#that underpins the whole thing. even if i now know what it means to give someone face it doesn't mean i could identify it happening

[media-thots]

Finished season 3 of The Bear. This season felt harder, and I don’t mean that as a criticism, but I think that was a feeling the showrunner wanted the audience to be left with and it was achieved, at least for me. 

Carm blew up his life at the end of season 2 and this season is the repercussions of that, how it affects him personally and how it affects his team around him. This is the most tense Carm’s and Syd’s relationship has ever been, he and Richie can’t speak to each other without actual hurt underpinning it, and Carm has barely been a mentor to the rest of the chefs like he has been in the past. The whole season we’ve been shown how Carm’s past is on his mind and how what was sown in his past is growing now, how his experience at the Empire with that asshole chef is dragging him down now, how he is unfortunately emulating that horrible chef with his own team. For Carm, it has been a season of reflection on his past and a slow reconsidering of what he wants, what he dreams of. Cooking is his thing, it’s something that let him connect to Michael and it's something that helped Carm distinguish himself as someone truly skilled and talented, but as noticed last season, he also seems to seek these high-level kitchens because it gives him a rush of stress that feels normal to him because of what his childhood was like. But also last season Carm got to discover peace and love with Claire, he got to see a calmer life outside of that high-level stress and he liked it. When Claire understandably left, Carm couldn’t deal with it so he went back to what he knew, intense perfection that causes high stress. He can’t think about anything else because he has to think about getting that star and the only way he knows how to get a star is to replicate the environment at the Empire, under that asshole. By the end of the season, with the Ever shutting down and his old mentor readjusting her priorities, Carm has reached the point of his reflection where I think he’s reached an inner crossroads; does he choose a path of peace, represented by Claire, or does he choose a path of intense perfectionist stress, represented by the asshole. And in a way, I think whichever path he picks also represents the type of person Carm would evolve into. 

However, Carm has spent so much time inward, that he’s been blind to his business partner and friend, Sydney. She’s fully aware that he’s going through it, and she’s not his therapist so she’s not opening that Pandora's box of trauma, especially considering she’s got her own shit to deal with, but Carm isn’t seeing how this affects her. Last season, they had a set menu that was both of theirs but now the menu belongs to Carm only and it changes daily, if Sydney tries to set it even within his bounds Carm ignores it. The restaurant was supposed to be both of theirs, but from the initial reviews that Syd was looking at, even she can tell everyone is considering this project as purely Carm’s, and that hurts because it’s like she’s invisible to the larger cooking world when this was supposed to be her introduction. And she doesn't even get the work environment she wanted. It seems like most nights, Carm isn’t speaking to his team respectfully (often being an asshole) and Syd can occasionally reign him back in but she’s not his babysitter, he’s putting more work on her plate by losing control of his emotions. We saw how during the party at her place, Syd has a panic attack similar to how the asshole caused panic attacks for Carm, being at The Bear isn’t good for her. Carm is so focused on his trauma, that he can’t see that he’s making an unfulfilling if not outright awful working environment for her, it’s not even on his radar that Syd might want to leave, and it’s going to bite him in the ass no matter what Syd decides to do. 

I think this season was so hard because they actually took their time to depict what stress, depression, and trauma can do to a person and their relationships after a blow-up-your-life moment like Carm had. And even with all that, Carm had to go through that this season, I don’t think he’s going to be a perfect person at the start of next season, but he imploded in on himself and exploded at everyone else that opening night, it was going to take time to recover back to a semblance of the person he was and try to heal toward becoming a better one. It would be nice if Carm had paid more attention to Syd and tried to mend his relationship to Richie, but if he’d done that in the first couple episodes then that night would have had no impact. Carm needed to be awful, and sour, and a general asshole or it would’ve meant nothing, and now the growth he will hopefully be on will mean something. As hard as it was, this season was good.

[checkoutmybookshelf]

I'm Sorry, What The WHAT Was That Twist?

Ok, so I know I said I bogged down with the witches last book and that the pacing was a little off. Those were NOT problems with this book! The pacing was good, the twists were interesting, and honestly Aelin has sheer chaos energy married to extreme competence in a combination that I am just enjoying the hell out of. I have...thoughts about how the witches are being handled and some of the underpinning themes in their storylines, but we'll get there. Overall, this was a fun read, so let's talk Queen of Shadows.

This is both your SPOILER WARNING and CONTENT WARNING. I'm going to spoil this book. A lot. I'm also going to discuss topics including forced pregnancy, stillbirth, gender essentialism, and abuse of mothers who have stillbirths.

So...the big twist. The thing with the King of Adarlan and Perrington. Perrington, who has been largely absent for two books now. I'm fine with Erawan being secretly in play with whole time, but for the King of Adarlan to have gone full anti-magic fascist out of an attempt to protect Dorian and Rifthold because he is the only one who knows about Erawan...I was not amused. This is likely a "your mileage may vary" thing, but after four books of the King of Adarlan being the big baddie, I was legitimately irked that he went out like a punk trying to tell Aelin that he was a secret good guy.

Now the "destroy the glass castle" setpeice was overall EXCELLENT and I appreciated the teamwork and sheer badassery. I also appreciated how protective Aelin is of Dorian in the aftermath, because our poor boy spent a rough book being possessed by a Valg prince. She gave him cover, time, and at least a tenuous amount of order in Rifthold. And the heartbreaker is that she has some idea of what he's going through on multiple levels. She knows what it's like to be possessed by a Valg Prince, she knows what it is to have her home and parent killed, and she knows what it is to have responsibility thrust upon her. She's so, so soft with Dorian. Real big sister vibes that I adore. Especially since she has spent most of the book going "murdering him is a kindness."

All of that was wonderful, and I even like the reveal that our heroes are behind the curve with the bad guys in play. But the whole "Duke Perrington is Erawan" felt...like SJM wrote herself into a corner with the King of Adarlan and had to pivot and Perrington made the most sense. And it just didn't land for me. But let's talk about our protagonists for a while.

I don't have much beyond sitting with a delighted smile on my face as Aelin Chaos Energies her way through rescuing Aedion, setting up and murdering Arrobyn, getting herself funding for an army for Terrasen, and rescuing Dorian/bringing down the King of Adarlan. Literally I never do not enjoy Aelin being herself and kicking unreal amounts of ass. I also enjoyed her taking moments out of all of those jobs to absolutely rattle Rowan. Mostly because it's very fun to watch Mr. Cool as a Fae Cucumber absolutely lose his shit mid-mission because Aelin isn't wearing any underwear.

Also really interesting to watch are Aelin's dynamics with Chaol and Aedion. She and Aedion squabble like siblings in the best way possible, and she and Chaol have a lot of bitterness that colors their interactions in ways that neither necessarily MEANS, but are nonetheless there. It really makes their relationship prickly despite their best efforts and adds a level of difficulty to their relationship that feels really natural. I'm...perhaps not thrilled with Chaol getting pseudo paralyzed and having to go off on a healing mission, but I'm willing to give that the benefit of the doubt because I haven't read that book yet and maybe we don't slide hard into bad disability tropes.

Aelin getting some closure on the Arrobyn stuff was also excellent, and it introduced us to Lysandra, who is an absolute TREAT and I adore her. I'm also fairly sure she and Aedion are going to be an item at some point, and I am HELLA here for that. Those two are adorable.

Now, as for our witches. I'm going to start with Dorian and Manon because as an internet denizen, I had seen "I'll bleed whatever color you want me to" in memes before, but I kind of assumed it would be more romantic in context. While yes, it did happen in the context of some tentative, exploratory flirting, I...would not call it romantic. Dorian isn't even sure how to exist as himself at the moment, so he's falling back on the flirty thing he's been doing forever. Now, he and Manon had undeniable sparks. I was here for it. But that was the weirdest, most tense flirting I have ever seen. And I wanted to see more without the Valg Prince getting involved and hissing at the witch like an angry cat. Because Manon unlearning the "no feelings" thing that her matron and the rest of the witches have going on is an interesting arc.

What I was absolutely disappointed in was Asterin's backstory. When the witches went hard in on "Witchlings are the next best thing to sacred and must be protected at all costs," I was here for it. We protect kids and ensure they get the chance to grow up. And then they absolutely went full on psycho about it. The way the Blackbeak Matron treated Asterin after what reads like a no-fault stillbirth is absolutely hideous and it stops being "we protect kids and the people who can have them" and becomes weirdly gender essentialist in that "we must punish the useless non-breeders" way that is so toxic and weirdly prevalent in American conservatism. And y'know...I get that that's an easy way to go "Look, Grandma Blackbeak is evil!" but I am so tired of being able to successfully give birth being the measure of a "successful" woman. And I don't think we necessarily needed Asterin to have a traumatic birth backstory to hammer home to Manon that letting Perrington and whosehisface Elide's uncle forcibly impregnate witches--even Yellowlegs--was deeply deeply uncool. Especially when OF COURSE it was never going to be just as simple as "let us put pebbles under your skin" and Elide herself finds out how bad it actually is.

Manon absolutely needed to be called on the carpet for letting that fly, but it could have been about empathy and autonomy, not about forced pregnancy and gender essentialism. Which like...it's an easy way to go "Grandma Blackbeak and Perrington BAD," but we could have gone another way and still gotten there.

That said, I did really love Manon losing control over her 13 because they were all on the same page about Manon not turning into her grandmother. And I loved that Asterin and Sorrel were negotiating their roles and relationships with Manon to get her to a place where she could hear "Girl, this is wildly uncool and we can't stand behind you on this" without getting too murdery. Those dynamics were a lot of fun to watch.

Manon and Elide was...a weird dynamic though. Elide felt a little underwritten and underused this book, and I hope in the next few we develop that a bit, especially given Aelin's relationship with her mother.

I also want to just...take a sec to talk about Kaltain. Because DAMN she got a raw deal for basically just being a petty bitch and gold digger. The self-immolating to destroy the base was a weird combination of badass and tragic. It was a good way to keep the wyrdkey in play and away from Perawan. However, in a context where the bad guys are treating women as annoyingly autonomous reproductive machines, blowing it up instead of trying to liberate it irked me because we didn't have confirmation that the Yellowlegs witches were beyond saving. Or anyone else in there who might be a victim. There's a "better off dead vibe" with that that I don't love.

I know I seem to be taking a lot of issues with this, but I really did enjoy the book. The character dynamics are largely well done, and the plot stuff was FUN. I'm psyched for the next book, and I can't wait to see what Aelin and Manon get up to next.

[argentnoelle]

Joker 2 was really well done (kind of reminded me of bicycle thieves) and I liked it without liking it? if that makes sense? It was really glum the whole way through & I thought the songs—except for the last song—could be better. (the last song, where he sang to Harley through the phone, but she didn't pick up, absolutely awesome). I did hope there would be more dancing than there was and am not a huge courtroom drama fan. But it was a really tightly-written movie that knew exactly what it was doing the whole time & did it well, + continued his character arc in a way that made sense, + he finally got to "speak for himself" at the end after spending the entire first part of the movie caught between people who are insisting either that he wasn't responsible for his own actions/completely making up issues he doesn't have or trying to paint him as "Joker (the concept)" which is actually not something a real person can be, because it was a collective fantasy made up by the public after they saw what he did on the Murray show.

Ironically enough not only a good take on Arthur Fleck, but a good, nuanced take on Joker (the comic book character) that gets into his relationship with his stage persona + sense of guilt (reminds me of the comic where, after killing Robin, Joker spends an unspecified amount of time holed up in a dingy apartment having nightmares and only decides to "play" Joker again when he sees another guy being a copycat and "stealing his act"). (other notable Joker comics it brings to mind: Going Sane; also, It's Joker Time! [premise of It's Joker Time is Joker horrifically treated in Arkham, ends up getting kidnapped to a reality TV show, gives clues so Batman can save him, and Batman finds the clues/saves him while *still not realizing* that Joker isn't there of his free will/isn't plotting/isn't in control.) that's the entire thing with Joker! Even for comic book Joker, he has a stage persona! He constantly tries to convince everyone else that he's far more one-note/cohesive/pure ideology than he actually is! He'd rather be a story full of fear, a monster, than face up to his own humanity. So yeah, once Arthur faces up to himself, he *can't be* Joker anymore. By definition. Even for (comic book) Joker, The Joker is a coping mechanism & an act he's selling. So yeah, while Joker 1 didn't have much "Joker" in it, I felt like Joker 2 actually had *so much* Joker in it.

Also really respect the portrayal of Harley! It called back to her original BTAS origin and took a distinct look at how she relates to him/why she fell love with him (there's literally a comic where Joker is "cured" and Harley hates the un-Joker him so much she comes up with supervillain plans to trick him into becoming Joker again.)

The saddest part is that [spoiler] since Arthur is now dead I can't see what kind of Batman & Joker movie the director would've made. I mean, it wouldn't have worked anyway with the realist direction of this universe, no "Batman"/Batman comics-verse so you don't get the cyclical nature that underpins Batman & Joker. But. If somehow there *could've* been a Batman & Joker movie in this 'verse, I am super interested to know what it would've been like. Because I came away from the movie thinking that it actually spent a lot of time looking at the comics, at the nature of the characters and their relationships to each other, and boiling that down... it knew what it was doing! it didn't just "use the names" (which was the impression I had a bit after watching Joker 1) but actually dug into the medium, the conceit, and the idea of the characters and how we as readers/watchers relate to them. + the animated sequences! the BTAS skyline!

So I don't think I'd watch it again but I'm glad I watched it. Beautiful acting as usual, beautiful cinematography and it's always a pleasure to watch a well-made film even if it made me feel bad, you know?

[wildcards1407]

Travel Documents 129: Bang Bang Bodhisattva

by Aubrey Wood

Genre:  sci-fi, near-future, cyberpunk, bio-punk

Publication Date: May 9 Pre-Order At This Link

The Dust Cover Copy

Someone wants trans girl hacker-for-hire Kiera Umehara in prison or dead—but for what? Failing to fix their smart toilet?

It’s 2032 and we live in the worst cyberpunk future. Kiera is gigging her ass off to keep the lights on, but her polycule’s social score is so dismal they’re about to lose their crib. That’s why she's out here chasing cheaters with Angel Herrera, a luddite P.I. who thinks this is The Big Sleep. Then the latest job cuts too deep—hired to locate Herrera’s ex-best friend (who’s also Kiera’s pro bono attorney), they find him murdered instead. Their only lead: a stick of Nag Champa incense dropped at the scene.

Next thing Kiera knows, her new crush turns up missing—sans a hand (the real one, not the cybernetic), and there’s the familiar stink of sandalwood across the apartment. Two crimes, two sticks of incense, Kiera framed for both. She told Herrera to lose her number, but now the old man might be her only way out of this bullshit...

A fast-talker with a heart of gold, Bang Bang Bodhisattva is both an odd-couple buddy comedy that never knows when to shut up, and an exploration of finding yourself and your people in an ever-mutable world.

Quick heads up: this book is in pre-release, so this is a spoiler-free review. There’s more depth I’d love to dig into, but I’m hands-off until more folks have read it!

The Scene

Worldbuilding

Hooooo BOY. Buckle up. Here we go.

A high-octane story in the cultural tradition of Snow Crash, Minority Report and Blade Runner, Bang Bang gives folks in the queer community what they’ve been waiting for: a look at the cyberpunk world through their eyes.

In worldbuilding, Wood has taken cues from all your favorite wouldn’t-live-there-if-you-paid-me futures: the tech that argues with you has shades of The Fifth Element, the use of bionics and implants is reminiscent of Repo Man. And the harsh reality of gigging for a living and running on ice? Well that, we’re living right now. Mixed together, they make for a world I really enjoyed reading, but definitely don’t want to visit.

The Crowd

Characterization

Wisecracking, fast-moving Kiera is the POV character we’ve been waiting for. She’s clever, quick-tongued, a little bit of a spaz and an absolute sweetheart. She’s the type of quick-thinking trans girl who’ll yell ‘I got a dick!’ when a skeez wolf-whistles, just to watch him walk into a wall. She’s thirty years old, sick of the grind, and sweet-natured under the armor her world impels her to wear. Her foil is Angel Hererra. No wait, sorry, he changed that name, and that face, to get the world to give him a bit less of a hard time. It sort of worked…sort of. But it cut him off from part of himself too. And that’s never a good thing. On their side are a clever assortment of allies: the android studying law, the classy dame with all the threads to the underworld in her hand, and the indentured servant who really just wanted a better life. Underpinning the story is the sweet support of Kiera’s polycule, waiting at home with snuggles and bingeable TV. Cueing up the ominous music for this piece are Detective Flynn, who gives new meaning to being a dick, and several other impressive baddies. The characters, even those who aren’t fleshed out, are well-written and interesting. The ones who get more time on the page are rounded into wonderfully whole people. Most of them don’t fit society’s definition of ‘people’ for some reason. And with every move, they prove why they should.

Writing Style

Fast paced and sometimes brutal, this work is full of bright one-liners and witty zings. Like it says on the dust cover, it definitely has echoes of The Big Sleep going on, along with Snow Crash and similar zany takes on a dark future. But the author pulls on this setting like a favorite coat and wears it with style, making it fresh. I particularly enjoyed the showcasing of authority using legalism as a weapon against people who don’t fit: it’s a nasty part of the LGBT and minority experience that needs to be addressed. But I enjoyed watching our characters find their way around it even more!

The Moves

Plot

I’ll say this up front: I was not expecting these twists and turns. And I bet you won’t see what’s coming either, not until it’s right on top of you! Or, in most cases, right on top of Kiera. Poor kid.

(cue Kiera shouting ‘I’m thirty, dammit!’ in the background) In the classic neo-noir style, you have your crime, you have your slueth, and you have your unknown criminal. But the twists and turns that take us from ‘oh crap a dead body’ to the last page are nothing like you expect, and everything you want to read.

Overall Rating

A high-octane race through Cyberpunk City, with pit stops for queer love and solidarity.

[landofwindandskyscrapers]

32/52 We live in a world of Magic!

Half a moment ago, I was perusing a cursed grimoire that will let me use an obscure language to cast spells and summon half-sentient demons to do my bidding. The title of that grimoire is “Excel VBA Programming for dummies” It’s certainly cursed – anything to do with Excel is, really – and VBA is an obscure language, one that leaves my colleagues with their mouths open whenever I cast spells with it (sorry, I meant “running a macro”). My point is that nobody knows everything about how the modern world works – and more importantly, nobody feels like they know everything. I consider myself a scientist – one of those ivory tower sorcerers who have an idea about what’s underpinning the forces of the universe – but I’m not yet arrogant enough to think I can plan out a marketing strategy. Just like a marketer might have no idea how to design a building, and an architect might now nothing about basic macro economics, etc. etc. In a sense, we’re all wizards to each other. We ask the plumber to fix our toilet, he performs the right rituals, and then the toilet is magically unclogged. Hells, I’ve actually spoken about this concept to a programmer friend of mine, and she said that “magic” is an actual industry term in computer programming: it means whenever you’re using something you don’t understand. (Hence the memorable phrase “we’re using too much magic, dammit!) None of this is particularly new, although I do want one day to explore the plot bunny of “what if computer wizards became actual wizards” one day. But it does make me think. One of the guiding stars of how I act and think is that I can always learn how something works even if I don’t know it at the time1. But for so many people this isn’t the case! So, so many people look at technical things, and just….give up! Why? WHY? HOW? This is something I consciously choose to be offended by: we’re humans, learning things is how we became the dominant lifeform on this planet, and what feels like the majority of the population just...throws that away! What the fuck?!? I’ve had others express admiration of me for this conviction of mine, but...it really does feel like being the whole person with eyes sometimes. And THAT is why I like learning magic. Subscribe now 1 Ask me about how I’m doing at learning programming! It’s a blast, learning what the internal logic of laptops and cell phones is like! via https://ift.tt/VfUkOFe

[elisaenglish]

For All This Dark, Prey Tell

                                   “Many a spear Dawn-cold to the touch will be taken down And waved on high; the swept harp Won’t waken warriors, but the raven winging Darkly over the doomed will have news, Tidings of the eagle of how he hoked and ate, How the wolf and he made short work of the dead.”

-Unknown, Beowulf-

According to legend, there’s a wild elegy that rocks itself to sleep in a remote corner of the archaic world. It sobs, searches, searches, searches for solace in all the wrong places—the clean lines of moral delineation, of tropes and strains and archetypes, the consummate delusion that eats itself for sport. But of course, this loss of perspectival balance is no surprise if we consider the dire consequence of leaning into fictive mindsets in the absence of either awareness of self or the narrative processes that underpin the vast majority of human ideas.

You’ve see one monster, you’ve seen them all? You’ve dabbled a little bit in the meta-literary pool? You think you know what you don’t?

Interesting... and common... and tragic... and all the heartbreaking grief of a backslide untethered from reason. Suspend your disbelief, by all means; but watch your biases before casting the imagined as real. And that’s not to say that most forces of violence aren’t colossal in comparison to us as individuals nor does it dismiss our capacity as a species for genuine evil. It does, however, steer our judgement towards the fraught immediacy of suffering in our intimate lives, in people just like you and I, in scenarios found in mirrors and discomfort, in daily horrors and where we lie in relation to them.

Not romantic. Not heroic, even. Because life’s not a fucking fairytale, or an orgiastic myth to light up those synapses. And I’ll admit that it’s a psychological necessity to catharsis the shit out of the worst of it; story’s a great healer in that sense. But flooding the brain with dopamine and riding a puritan high? Not so meaningful—and absolutely designed to absolve a weak stance of accountability.

Because you know what? We’re in it, we own it. There’s a level of responsibility that extends beyond the tiny air-pockets we inhabit. I accept that, even as I vent this overwhelming rage that emerges nonetheless in coherent steps. As for the violence I do to myself? I grind my teeth and dream of other people’s trauma, of which there is a lot, and I don’t always know whether the love makes a difference anymore.

Maybe the enduring thing is that I just keep going. It doesn’t matter that this is why no one will ever love me—and it doesn’t, I suppose. Solitary girl fulfils her hermitic dreams? It’s not the worst arc, and sometimes I do want to go live in the woods with the animals. And yet...

It’s not like I’m predisposed to giving up. Oh, and what’s that? It’s not a fucking fairytale? No, it fucking isn’t.

And what am I doing really? Talking myself back to the headspace I need. Theoretically, this was going to be a “startling” analysis of old English poetry—don’t worry Beowulf, you’ll have your day. Instead, I think the catharsis is me, a little raw admission, room to exorcise some doubt, all the stuff of nightmares. Not that I sleep very well these days, although that’s another story entirely. And no, it isn’t folklore.

So the real, the concrete bliss of all this vulnerability, what is your sum? My fears? My absolute destruction? And you think I speak in hyperbole. Meanwhile the woman I was is now just a ghost, and I wonder if you know. I mean, really know that I hold all this crisis inside me. Crisis that isn’t even mine but as conduit, I bear.

According to research, it takes four generations of peace for a whole population to recover from war. I think about that, again a lot. Do we call that a hundred years hence? A hundred years back? Do we call it not of our time? Or not of any time in history’s name? What of all these monsters? The insufferable vanity, the insufferable ignorance, the insufferable vapidity.

The pain. The noise. The utter fucking shambles of too many minds.

Then somewhere from that screaming mess, there is love. Love that is mine—and I hope, better than we were.

[kafkaoftherubble]

Yo, other than the intrigue and the enthusiasm for Sukuna (mine is much, much lower than yours 😝) you spoke the words outta me mouth!

Sukuna? To me, he's an interesting villain, but not the most interesting character I care about. I am shamelessly pro-Yuta pro-Gojo (welp this one's gone) and lowkey pro-Hakari and pro-Yuji and pro-Higgy (oops another one gone). Yuta's eyebags supremacy!

Him as a source of philosophical tension was rather surprising to me, not gonna lie, but when I really think about it... It actually is in line with Gege's (also surprising) penchant to sneak philosophy in under the flashy stuff.

However, I think Sukuna's waxing philosophy is only more... substantive if he has actual philosophical foils or counters to play off with. Him v. Jogo and him v Gojo, to me, were great showcases. Due to my personal interest, Sukuna v. Gojo back then had been really meaty because I could draw it to Buddhist philosophy, particularly on the doctrine of "the self" and "non-self." I'm quite infamous for being rather into this whole shebang, heh! Two or three of my friends have already suffered impromptu lectures regarding Buddhism.

Don't ask me for that ramble though! First off, the best person to spout it was the Lyns of Last Year, because they were the ones who had the most thoughts and cohesive points for it. The me now? My head's currently dominated by Ajin: Demi-human and... Astral Chain, which isn't even that deep, haha! I can't cook a good ramble regarding this at the moment!!!

----

I did save (screenshot) some exchanges I had on the YouTube comment section back when Sukuna V. Gojo was at its peak. The gentleman I was speaking to was pretty learned in Buddhism too, so we had a really great conversation interpreting the philosophical underpinning of that fight. I intended to transfer it here to make it part of my rambles, but I hadn't gotten the time, and now I'm a bit lacking on the will, heh heh 😅/scratches head. Nonetheless, I do wanna revisit that conversation and at least toss it out here someday for people who snort meta essays like coke. I just... need time... and the willingness... and the intent... and the impetus... and the... Gojo... I mean maybe I'm just waiting for more info about Sukuna and his thought process? Oh, yea. That's gotta be the excuse reason!

----

I wasn't too impressed with the conversation between Sukuna and Hajime "Twinkachu" Kashimo, though. I think it's because I find Kashimo's characterization kinda... off when you compare it to his throwdown with Hakari. It was quite the whiplash for me.

Sukuna made his own life philosophy much clearer in that conversation, I'll give you that—personally, it harkens to the Daoist idea of 无为 (Wuwei, "effortless effort"). But the concept of 无为 is so flexible and malleable that it encompasses many different interpretations, ranging from morality and ethics, to statecraft and politics, to strategy and tactics, to supernatural pursuits and metaphysics. Personally, I don't think Sukuna's way of practicing 无为 (if we would even call it that!) is actually as noble and enlightened as some others in r/Jujutsushi made it sound; eating other humans, for example, is hardly concise with the sort of natural order Daoism stresses.

And yea, I was no fan of how the fight between Kashimo and Sukuna ended. Maybe it covered the beats Gege wanted, I don't know. I just didn't feel rewarded.

The one good thing about that fight, though, is that it sets up for Sukuna's midlife crisis moment in c248! I laughed when I saw its glory unfold! I have never thought of him as the type to do a whole-ass monologue, but man, his hate game for Yuji is so strong it sends him into an internal debate because "fucking brat learned RCT?! Fucking brat... has that cursed shonen superpower called INDOMITABLE WILL?! What am I here for?! I hate the fact that I almost praise him! Aaarghhhhhh"

---

Yea, I really did not like the way the Courtroom fight ended! Worse, we seemed to have traded that Legal Battle for old-fashioned throwing hands, and yet even that was unsatisfactory. Higgy just died like that after taking away Sukuna's baby rattle. The Executioner Sword was a dud (we expected that, but I really had hoped it was a dud in a more... creative way). The whole sequence was, to me, as big of a waste as Kashimo v. Sukuna. And it really made me even sicker of this four-armed son of a Gege.

Also, hear-hear on Kenjaku bowing out of the story! Nowhere did any of us in the past ever think that was the last of Kenny because of how unceremonious it was; I just thought it was a fake-out! Dude is the other tether to the Heian Era! He's... Yuji and Choso's parent! There is so much more to be learned about, come on! Even if Sukuna ended up becoming the link to Heian past (through flashbacks or something), it still wouldn't necessarily tell us more about Kenny's relationship with Tengen. I get that we have learned enough about Kenny as a person, but he's also a really good device for us to learn about the period he was from.

I really hope that's not the end of Kenny. I really, really do. I commend the protagonists for finally scoring a win by outsmarting a talking brain, but can it not be at the cost of exploring a wee bit more about JJK lore? Or even more about Yuji himself? Come on!

---

Finally, of course. I'm a (begrudging, do-not-want-to-admit-it) Gojo fan. I do get excited thinking about him possibly making a comeback, preferably in a genius, nani-the-fuck-is-this way par Shibuya Incident's ingenuity. Or just... him coming back, period. But well, part of me is rather worried about its execution (if it happens). It will definitely be hyped as fuck—internet-breaking, even, just like c236 was—but will it come at a cost of the story's philosophy and themes?

Ah, I'm so torn.

I hope I didn't mistake you for someone else, but I think you're the other mutual I have who's into JJK, right? I only have two mutuals who reads JJK ahahahha. So it should be you...

Have ya read the (albeit terribly-translated) leaks for C248 yet? Thoughts?

Yes I am the other JJK mutual lol, you weren’t mistaken! I have read the leaks, but I usually wait till TCB scanlations and then official translations (although I hate official translations, John Werry really needs to be replaced) so I can compare them and come to a conclusion about my thoughts.

I’m a bit more ready to negatively criticize JJK than most, but I do so because I know Gege is capable of really good writing. Shibuya is one of the best written arcs I’ve seen, and the philosophy and themes aren’t new but they are written in ways that are intriguing to me.

Sukuna is one of my favorite characters, but the mass Sukuna v. Everyone fight has steadily become more and more boring to me. There’s only so many times I can be “off the edge of my seat” with constant deaths and death scares and “Sukuna defeat” close calls before I just become blasé to it. I was expecting there to be many deaths (it is a war after all), I was expecting Sukuna to be difficult (He is known as the most powerful sorcerer for a reason), but it feels less like a battle of tension and cunning and more close to levels of “last season of Game of Thrones” writing (although not nearly as egregious, Gege is still a competent writer and he clearly is trying to tie this up as best as he can).

The Kenjaku v Takaba fight is, no joke, one of my favorite fights in the series. I think it’s a wonderful display of how cunning Sorcerers need to be whilst showing the creativity of the power system Gege has made. And I think that’s what I feel is missing from the Sukuna fight, or is steadily disappearing. Sukuna is meant to be cunning, he’s meant to be smart, but it feels less like he’s winning because he’s cunning and more because he’s winning because well…Gege needs him to for tension reasons.

The court room fight is a good example of this. Lord I would’ve loved to see Sukuna utilize his intelligence to overcome Higuruma’s domain, it would’ve been much more satisfying than Sukuna getting that one weapon confiscated and the whole fight just ending in like 4 panels and that’s that.

I also will be majorly rankled if Kenjaku is actually dead and gone. There is no reason they should be as Kenjaku, the person that prepared for this whole debacle for over 800 years, is much more cunning than to just be killed by a decapitation. I think it’s fair to say that Kenjaku is the main overarching villain, none of this would be happening if it wasn’t for them, nor would Sukuna be here either. To kill then off as if they were some dumb goon obstacle boss would be an insult to their character. Kenjaku’s connections to the Heian era, to Tengen, to Yuuji and Choso, is too valuable for them to just be gone.

Anyways, I’m intrigued to see where this will go and what Sukuna will do know that he has the ability to go forward with the Merger. Although I’m confused on why he would even bother doing that or what interest he would have in that.

I’m also interested to see where Gege is trying to go when it comes to themes of love, power, and loneliness when it comes to Sukuna. The theme of “it is lonely to be at the top” is budding into something intriguing, which is why I think Sukuna is fascinating to me. I don’t care to much about his fights, and more of him as a philosophical figure, because he his quite philosophical in and outside of fights. His ending conversation with Kashimo was quite cool. He also can’t stop being very homoerotic towards the enemies he fights and defeats. It’s funny to see hm having fun and being satisfied by an opponent and then being sent into a philosophical crisis over human emotion.

Also I am always fascinated by Gojo fans absolute hope in Gojo coming back. I think this chapter sent them into more of a fervor, I am rooting for them it would be funny to see honestly.

[coquelicoq]

Glad to be of help. Talking to you helps me examine things more closely too! To me at least, a strong undercurrent in mdzs/untamed is the concept of 'face' - basically how you are viewed and treated in society. There is a Viet idiom that goes like 'a piece shared to you in the village festival is more valuable than a whole basket of it you receive in the back door' - the fact that you look like you are respected (and hence gets shared food) in public matters more than the quantity

I believe the ‘face’ is part of the conflict between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian. Like, they’re dear to each other, but at the same time, Jiang Cheng is clan leader and Wuxian is son of a servant, and in public, Wuxian is implicitly expected to 'behave his place’, such as, you know, avoiding loudly passing his judgment on the leader of another clan while his clan leader is still there (that banquet scene is all kinds of social violations).

And, like, we have mdzs society, a place where people are obsessed with merits and achievements, but at the same time, bloodlines and being born in the 'right’ place matter, arguably even more than your abilities, and your status decides what you get, and what you can and can’t do. And yeah, it creates all kinds of wrongs in people. You have Jiang Cheng, who loves his family but at the same time feels the pressure to maintain his/his clan’s social position in the face of a genius adoptee

So, like, I think actually Su She and Jiang Cheng have a lot in common i.e. anxious about how people view them, and for Su She, he craves recognition. In the novel, it’s stated that he strikes out from the Lan Clan and forms a clan/sect of his own, so that he can be called a clan leader. And, like, his tragedy, to me, is that for mere, arguably superficial in the end, act of Yao remembering his name in public, he is willing to die for Yao (I disagree with hamliet that there is a connection

between them, because it feels super exploitative on Yao’s end). As a side note, I think fandom hates Su She not just for being mean to Lan Wangji, but, in the novel, besides the inferiority complex, he also hates Wangji for chastising him in the Murder Turtle Cave. When Wen Chao wants to make Mianmian monster’s bait and Wangji tries to protect her and Wen Chao gets frustrated and threatens to murder them all, Su She drags her forward and is basically prepared to let her die. Wangji hits him.

(I just remember that bit haha, because Su She isn’t in the cave scene in Untamed. Basically in the novel, Su She thinks Wangji has humiliated him several times - with good reason or not). But yeah, I’m too lazy to explore it properly, but mdzs is fascinating in the variety of ways people act and react to social status and 'face’.

what a fantastic idiom, thanks for sharing it with me!! face is one of those things where like i know generally what it is but am also aware that it’s a rich concept that i don’t have enough context to fully understand sometimes. so it’s always nice to learn more about it!

it sounds like cql changed a lot of things about su she, with the end result of making him more sympathetic and maybe a bit more impressive, idk. i don’t remember all of this totally but it seems to me that cql!su she’s main motivation for starting his own sect was that the lans showed him that his life meant nothing to them, and not so much that the lans showed him that his status meant nothing to them, which maybe was more of novel!su she’s motivation? (but since status is so important in this universe, maybe these two things aren’t as far apart as they seem to me?)

(as an aside, i find it interesting how cql avoided making him too sympathetic. even though the show gives him a valid reason to betray the lans to the wens, at the same time it really hammers home what a coward he is for doing it. maybe this was cql’s parallel for the murder turtle cave scene - his life is threatened by the wens, so he offers up someone else’s life in exchange for his own. but idk, the cql version is more sympathetic to me, because the lans wronged him first by leaving him to die, and i’m guessing mianmian didn’t do anything similar.)

i wonder. other than for plot reasons, why is there a need for both jin guangyao and su she in the story? do they serve different purposes from a thematic perspective? aren’t they both people who became villains when society ridiculed them and shut out many of their other options, all because of the circumstances of their birth? not that you can’t have more than one character doing the same thing for the story, and i realize su she was necessary to cql’s plot especially with the whole second flute thing (not sure how important he is for the novel’s plot), but cql goes to such pains to make jgy’s tragic origins and completely over-the-top villainy super explicit. so it just seems like su she is kind of redundant thematically, unless i’m missing something.

oooh, i really love this jiang cheng/su she comparison though. you have given me a lot to think about!

[writingwithcolor]

What Does Our "Motivations” PSA Mean?

@luminalalumini said:

I've been on your blog a lot and it has a lot of really insightful information, but I notice a theme with some of your answers where you ask the writer reaching out what their 'motivation for making a character a certain [race/religion/ethnicity/nationality] is' and it's discouraging to see, because it seems like you're automatically assigning the writer some sort of ulterior motive that must be sniffed out and identified before the writer can get any tips or guidance for their question. Can't the 'motive' simply be having/wanting to have diversity in one's work? Must there be an 'ulterior motive'? I can understand that there's a lot of stigma and stereotypes and bad influence that might lead to someone trynna add marginalized groups into their stories for wrong reasons, but people that have those bad intentions certainly won't be asking for advice on how to write good representation in the first place. Idk its just been something that seemed really discouraging to me to reach out myself, knowing i'll automatically be assigned ulterior motives that i don't have and will probably have to justify why i want to add diversity to my story as if i'm comitting some sort of crime. I don't expect you guys to change your blog or respond to this or even care all that much, I'm probably just ranting into a void. I'm just curious if theres any reason to this that I haven't realized exists I suppose. I don't want y'all to take this the wrong way because I do actually love and enjoy your blog's advice in spite of my dumb griping. Cheers :))

We assume this is in reference to the following PSA:

PSA to all of our users - Motivation Matters: This lack of clarity w/r to intent has been a general issue with many recent questions. Please remember that if you don’t explain your motivations and what you intend to communicate to your audience with your plot choices, character attributes, world-building etc., we cannot effectively advise you beyond the information you provide. We Are Not Mind Readers. If, when drafting these questions, you realize you can’t explain your motivations, that is likely a hint that you need to think more on the rationales for your narrative decisions. My recommendation is to read our archives and articles on similar topics for inspiration while you think. I will be attaching this PSA to all asks with similar issues until the volume of such questions declines. 

We have answered this in three parts.

1. Of Paved Roads and Good Intentions

Allow me to give you a personal story, in solidarity towards your feelings:

When I began writing in South Asia as an outsider, specifically in the Kashmir and Lahore areas, I was doing it out of respect for the cultures I had grown up around. I did kathak dance, I grew up on immigrant-cooked North Indian food, my babysitters were Indian. I loved Mughal society, and every detail of learning about it just made me want more. The minute you told me fantasy could be outside of Europe, I hopped into the Mughal world with two feet. I was 13. I am now 28.

And had you asked me, as a teenager, what my motives were in giving my characters’ love interests blue or green eyes, one of them blond hair, my MC having red-tinted brown hair that was very emphasized, and a whole bunch of paler skinned people, I would have told you my motives were “to represent the diversity of the region.” 

I’m sure readers of the blog will spot the really, really toxic and colourist tropes present in my choices. If you’re new here, then the summary is: giving brown people “unique” coloured eyes and hair that lines up with Eurocentric beauty standards is an orientalist trope that needs to be interrogated in your writing. And favouring pale skinned people is colourist, full stop.

Did that make me a bad person with super sneaky ulterior motives who wanted to write bad representation? No.

It made me an ignorant kid from the mostly-white suburbs who grew up with media that said brown people had to “look unique” (read: look as European as possible) to be considered valuable.

And this is where it is important to remember that motives can be pure as you want, but you were still taught all of the terrible stuff that is present in society. Which means you’re going to perpetuate it unless you stop and actually question what is under your conscious motive, and work to unlearn it. Work that will never be complete.

I know it sounds scary and judgemental (and it’s one of the reasons we allow people to ask to be anonymous, for people who are afraid). Honestly, I would’ve reacted much the same as a younger writer, had you told me I was perpetuating bad things. I was trying to do good and my motives were pure, after all! But after a few years, I realized that I had fallen short, and I had a lot more to learn in order for my motives to match my impact. Part of our job at WWC is to attempt to close that gap.

We aren’t giving judgement, when we ask questions about why you want to do certain things. We are asking you to look at the structural underpinnings of your mind and question why those traits felt natural together, and, more specifically, why those traits felt natural to give to a protagonist or other major character.

I still have blond, blue-eyed characters with sandy coloured skin. I still have green-eyed characters. Because teenage me was right, that is part of the region. But by interrogating my motive, I was able to devalue those traits within the narrative, and I stopped making those traits shorthand for “this is the person you should root for.” 

It opened up room for me to be messier with my characters of colour, even the ones who my teenage self would have deemed “extra special.” Because the European-associated traits (pale hair, not-brown-eyes) stopped being special. After years of questioning, they started lining up with my motive of just being part of the diversity of the region.

Motive is important, both in the conscious and the subconscious. It’s not a judgement and it’s not assumed to be evil. It’s simply assumed to be unquestioned, so we ask that you question it and really examine your own biases.

~Mod Lesya

2. Motivations Aren't Always "Ulterior"

You can have a positive motivation or a neutral one or a negative one. Just wanting to have diversity only means your characters aren't all white and straight and cis and able-bodied -- it doesn't explain why you decided to make this specific character specifically bi and specifically Jewish (it me). Yes, sometimes it might be completely random! But it also might be "well, my crush is Costa Rican, so I gave the love interest the same background", or "I set it in X City where the predominant marginalized ethnicity is Y, so they are Y". Neither of these count as ulterior motives. But let's say for a second that you did accidentally catch yourself doing an "ulterior." Isn't that the point of the blog, to help you find those spots and clean them up?

Try thinking of it as “finding things that need adjusting” rather than “things that are bad” and it might get less scary to realize that we all do them, subconsciously. Representation that could use some work is often the product of subconscious bias, not deliberate misrepresentation, so there's every possibility that someone who wants to improve and do better didn't do it perfectly the first time. 

--Shira

3. Dress-Making as a Metaphor

I want to echo Lesya’s sentiments here but also provide a more logistical perspective. If you check the rubber stamp guide here and the “Motivation matters” PSA above, you’ll notice that concerns with respect to asker motivation are for the purposes of providing the most relevant answer possible.

It is a lot like if someone walks into a dressmaker’s shop and asks for a blue dress/ suit (Back when getting custom-made clothes was more of a thing) . The seamstress/ tailor is likely to ask a wide variety of questions:

What material do you want the outfit to be made of?

Where do you plan to wear it?

What do you want to highlight?

How do you want to feel when you wear it?

Let’s say our theoretical customer is in England during the 1920s. A tartan walking dress/ flannel suit for the winter is not the same as a periwinkle, beaded, organza ensemble/ navy pinstripe for formal dress in the summer. When we ask for motivations, we are often asking for exactly that: the specific reasons for your inquiry so we may pinpoint the most pertinent information.

The consistent problem for many of the askers who receive the PSA is they haven’t even done the level of research necessary to know what they want to ask of us. It would be like if our English customer in the 1920s responded, “IDK, some kind of blue thing.” Even worse,  WWC doesn’t have the luxury of the back-and-forth between a dressmaker and their clientele. If our asker doesn’t communicate all the information they need in mind at the time of submission, we can only say, “Well, I’m not sure if this is right, but here’s something. I hope it works, but if you had told us more, we could have done a more thorough job.”

Answering questions without context is hard, and asking for motivations, by which I mean the narratives, themes, character arcs and other literary devices that you are looking to incorporate, is the best way for us to help you, while also helping you to determine if your understanding of the problem will benefit from outside input. Because these asks are published with the goal of helping individuals with similar questions, the PSA also serves to prompt other users.

I note that asking questions is a skill, and we all start by asking the most basic questions (Not stupid questions, because to quote a dear professor, “There are no stupid questions.”). Unfortunately, WWC is not suited for the most basic questions. To this effect, we have a very helpful FAQ and archive as a starting point. Once you have used our website to answer the more basic questions, you are more ready to approach writing with diversity and decide when we can actually be of service. This is why we are so adamant that people read the FAQ. Yes, it helps us, but it also is there to save you time and spare you the ambiguity of not even knowing where to start.

The anxiety in your ask conveys to me a fear of being judged for asking questions. That fear is not something we can help you with, other than to wholeheartedly reassure you that we do not spend our unpaid, free time answering these questions in order to assume motives we can’t confirm or sit in judgment of our users who, as you say, are just trying to do better.

Yes, I am often frustrated when an asker’s question makes it clear they haven’t read the FAQ or archives. I’ve also been upset when uncivil commenters have indicated that my efforts and contributions are not worth their consideration. However, even the most tactless question has never made me think, “Ooh this person is such a naughty racist. Let me laugh at them for being a naughty racist. Let me shame them for being a naughty racist. Mwahaha.”

What kind of sad person has time for that?*

Racism is structural. It takes time to unlearn, especially if you’re in an environment that doesn’t facilitate that process to begin with. Our first priority is to help while also preserving our own boundaries and well-being. Though I am well aware of the levels of toxic gas-lighting and virtue signaling that can be found in various corners of online writing communities in the name of “progressivism*”, WWC is not that kind of space. This space is for discussions held in good faith: for us to understand each other better, rather than for one of us to “win” and another to “lose.”

Just as we have good faith that you are doing your best, we ask that you have faith that we are trying to do our best by you and the BIPOC communities we represent.

- Marika.

*If you are in any writing or social media circles that feed these anxieties or demonstrate these behaviors, I advise you to curtail your time with them and focus on your own growth. You will find, over time, that it is easier to think clearly when you are worrying less about trying to appease people who set the bar of approval so high just for the enjoyment of watching you jump. “Internet hygiene”, as I like to call it, begins with you and the boundaries you set with those you interact with online.

[viperbarnes]

The Tie That Binds – [Five of Eight]

[B. Barnes, Soulmate AU]

Summary: HYDRA took everything from you, your life, your future, they even burned off your soulmark to make sure nobody would go looking for you. Now the man they forced you to fix reappears in your life, to make amends and to be ‘of service’.

You know that they made him do all those things, that James ‘Bucky’ Barnes is not The Winter Soldier, that he’s innocent. You don’t blame him.

But that doesn’t make seeing him again any easier.

Warnings: Panic attacks, language, talk and depiction of home invasion and abduction, canon level violence, HYDRA levels of torture, angst, fluff, slow-ish burn, friends to lovers.

Note: I hope you enjoy!!!

<- Prev / Next ->

“What time is it there?”

“Same as New York, only it’s day time here.”

You hum softly and try to shuffle over onto your side, phone still pressed to your ear as you settle again. On the other end of the line, you can hear muffled street sounds, the hum of conversation in a language you don’t understand, and the occasional car horn. You remind yourself that Bucky hadn’t been gone all that long, barely three days now, and try not to feel foolish.

“Honey?” His voice is clear through the phone, like you could hear him for real in the room with you.

“Yeah, I’m still here. Was just moving.” You tell him. You can imagine him ducked into a nook of a brightly lit street, phone to his ear, his brow pinched in that worried way it often was.

“Is it helping?” He asks, but you let out a small sigh.

“No.”

Silence follows for a few seconds, and you listen closer to the sounds on the other end, trying to make a guess at where in the world he might be.

“I’m sorry, honey…” There’s more guilt in his voice than you like, and you can’t stop yourself from frowning deeply, despite the fact he can’t see you.

“It’s not your fault. You can’t just stop helping people because your girlfriend doesn’t like being alone…” You huff, rolling your eyes. You hear Bucky chuckle softly, and it makes your own lips quirk.

“I know, but I’m still sorry that you had a bad dream and that I’m not able to be there… I don’t like leaving anymore than you do.” He assures you, and you know he’s speaking the truth. Ever since your relationship had taken a turn for the romantic you’d been inseparable. Rarely did a day go by that you weren’t with one another, and contrary to what you might have thought before, being so used to your isolated existence, it didn’t feel suffocating.

Nothing felt as though it had changed all that much, it wasn’t as if the nature of your time together had really changed. You weren’t suddenly all over each other all the time, but there was a closeness, a tenderness now that underpinned everything.

You moved slow in some aspects, physicality mostly, and fast in others. Since Bucky had first kissed you over a month ago now, you’d started staying with one another through the night. You’d sleep beside one another, and truthfully, you hadn’t had such restful sleep since before HYDRA had kidnapped you. You’d been surprised when Bucky had told you of his initial hesitation, that he hadn’t wanted to wake you up with his own nightmares, but the nighttime company seemed to lend him a sense of calm as well.

Your stomach stirs at the thought of him not sleeping well while he was away either.

“I’ll be okay. I promise.” You assure him, pausing briefly before continuing.

“I just wanted to talk to you… hear your voice.” You confess, feeling rather silly, like a high schooler with a crush. Bucky hums down the line again, but this time, you imagine his sweet and bashful smile.

“I don’t think we’ll be here much longer, but just in case, why don’t you stay at mine until I get home?” He suggests. Bucky’s apartment was in a slightly nicer part of town, the building itself a little more secure and modern than yours.

You smile against the side of your phone, and nod.

“Okay. But you’ll try to let me know when you’re on your way home, right?” You both check and remind him, but you hardly need to. He meant it when he said he didn’t like going away as much as you didn’t.

“You’ll know the second I do, honey… If my phone still works.”

You chortle at the wince you hear in his voice, memories of a mission before last, when he’d used the device as parts in a makeshift bomb.

Reluctantly you bid goodnight, waiting until the very last second to hang up before you feel alone again in your far too empty bed. Unable to stare at the vacant spot next to you any longer, you decide to put Bucky’s advice into action sooner than the morning, gathering together a small bag of essentials before calling a ride service and making your way to Bucky’s apartment.

It’s still lonely without him, but between his sheets you’re able to slip back into sleep, dreaming of far more pleasant things this time.

---

Two days later you arrive home at Bucky’s apartment, cold, tired, and ready to crawl onto his couch and watch some mindless TV.

You’re still halfway through hanging up your coat and scarf when a noise makes you freeze. It was unidentifiable at first, just a sound that wasn’t supposed to be, but as you stop and listen closer, you can make out what you think is a very soft whisper, and some kind of scratching.

Your heartbeat hiccups, but it’s then, as you finish hanging your scarf on a hook, that you notice the dark black duffle bag kicked against the wall, right in front of your feet. This time your heart jumps for a different reason, and you swallow thickly.

“Bucky?!” You call out, hopeful and already moving quickly through the entryway.

“Living room!” His voice calls back, and you can’t help but smile widely as you step out of the hallway and spy the top of his head over the half wall that divided the kitchen and living space.

He’s sat on the floor, for some reason, between the couch and the TV, and at first you don’t think to question him, only freezing again when you move further into the home, and the whole scene is revealed to you fully.

“Hey baby,” Bucky beams at you, still in his uniform. You stare at him, mouth slightly ajar as you attempt to process what you were seeing.

“This is George.” He tells you, nodding down at the space between his crossed legs, where a seemingly very excited pitbull puppy struggles against Bucky’s arm to try and get to you. You blink at the dog, and then at Bucky, whose eyes have turned back to the dog as he softly calms him.

“Come and say hello before he wears a hole in me.” Bucky chortles, and you finally snap out of your surprise enough to inch closer to the pair, eventually kneeling down in front of them, and holding your hand out for the puppy to sniff.

“Hi George…!” You greet, unable to hold back a smile as the puppy immediately begins sniffing and licking your hand. You chuckle as you settle more comfortably on your knees, and lift both hands to give the dog some ear scratches.

“Why do you have a dog, Buck…?” You ask, laughter rolling over your words as the man releases his hold on the pup and lets him bound into your lap, where he promptly tries to climb you to lick your face.

“Woah now, Georgie, that’s my job…” Bucky teases, gently pulling the dog back just a little.

“He’s so happy!” You exclaim, shifting again so that you mirrored Bucky’s crossed-legs, and allowing George to settle between them, calming some as you pet behind his ears again.

“That’s just ‘cause I was tellin’ him all about you on the way home.” Bucky grins, leaning forward enough to press a brief kiss to your forehead in proper greeting. You shake your head and focus back on the puppy, running your finger from the tip of his nose to the top of his head.

“You gonna answer my question?” You prompt, and Bucky eyes you with a shrug.

“Saw a box of them on the street as Sam and I were getting ready to leave. He was the only one left.” He tells you with a little frown, watching George as the pup play with his hand. You get the feeling his story is heavily censored, if not wholly untrue, but you don’t ask.

You don’t want to know.

“So… you decided all of a sudden you were going to get a dog?” You prompt again, and his frown disappears as he fixes his gaze back on you.

“No, I decided to get a second.” He grins, only clarifying when you frown in confusion.

“… A second in command, I mean. Not a second dog.”

You still stare at him confused, though only a little less than before. It’s then that Bucky reaches out, scooping George up in his arms and holding him up to his chest like a baby.

“George is gonna keep you safe when I’m away,” Bucky explains, making your heart skip a beat.

“We’re gonna train him up real good, make sure he gets big and strong,” He looks up from the puppy then, and at you, his eyes softening.

“And maybe we can avoid more sleepless nights…”

You struggle to stop your lip from trembling at the sheer thoughtfulness of it all, but settle for shooting Bucky a watery smile before you lean in to brush your hand over George’s head lovingly.

“Thank you.” You say, leaning even further to press your lips to Bucky’s cheek. He smiles softly back at you as you pull away, and begin fussing with the puppy again.

“Why ‘George’?” You ask a small while later, finishing up a list you’d made of puppy things you had to buy, all the while Bucky played with your new little friend. He’d donated an old glove to the toy fund already, and you watch as the pair play a gentle game of tug-of-war.

“When I was a kid there was this local boxer, the best in Brooklyn, I reckon,” Bucky begins, but doesn’t look up from his game.

“They used to call him ‘The Pitbull’, but his real name was George.” He shrugs then, and throws you a small smile.

“Just thought it suited.”

---

The morning breeze whips against your cheeks, the tip of your nose bearing the brunt as well. It had been a while since you’d not only been awake so early, but ready and willing to leave the house too.

You had a good reason though, a reason you follow closely with your eyes as he darts across the dewy-wet grass, kicking up flecks of dirt as he goes, and you remind yourself you’ll need to give his feet a wipe down before you let him back into the apartment. The pitbull pup had filled out over the past three months, though he’d still get bigger the vet had told you. His grey-black coat had turned more grey than black, and his floppy little ears had become a little less floppy as he’d grown into them.

You grin as you watch Bucky play with him, running back and forth across a small area of the dog park, a large rope toy in his hand. Every so often he stops to let Georgie catch up to him, wrestling the toy from him, and then the chase swaps.

It was so nice to see Bucky completely and unabashedly carefree. Even before Georgie came along, as you’d settled into your relationship, you’d still catch him with a sad look on his face every so often. You would both speak candidly about your pasts, and no matter how your relationship had developed, neither of you would ever be able to change what had happened.

You still wondered if being with Bucky was the right thing. Choice or not, the universe had already dictated his soulmate, and someday that fact would rear its head again. You mostly tried to ignore it, to relish in what you had while you had it, but there was a part of you that knew deep down, it wasn’t forever.

“Brave choice,” A voice speaks up from nearby you, and you turn to find a woman around your age, her own dog sat patiently by her feet. She tosses a brightly coloured ball, and the dog takes off after it.

“Excuse me?” you ask, and the woman focuses back on you. She nods in the direction of Georgie and Bucky, with a not-unfriendly smile.

“A pitbull. It’s a brave choice you know. Lotta work.”

You can tell she wasn’t trying to be rude or condescending, but her opinions rub you the wrong way despite that.

“Not really,” you reply with a tight smile and a shrug.

“Just like any dog. You have to put in the work to get the results.”

“But Pitbulls are naturally more dangerous. That’s just a fact.” The woman’s dog returns to her, dropping the ball which she then tosses again.

“I disagree,” you try to refrain from displaying your own ‘natural’ danger, but your voice still holds a sharpness.

“It’s their environment that determines that.”

The woman hums in a decidedly condescending way.

You’re glad that she decides to run after her dog a fews seconds later, ending the short, but annoying conversation.

You look back at your two boys, your stomach churning, though you aren’t really sure why. Newly being a pitbull owner, you’d seen and heard plenty of shitty opinions online and in person during your research and finding a puppy-preschool course. None of these had really bothered you that much before, you’d usually just dismiss the arguments. Now though, you feel properly upset in a way that makes your hands shake, your coffee wobbling precariously in the cup you hold.

You aren’t even aware that you’re frowning deeply until Bucky pauses, sitting on the grass with Georgie draped over his legs, both seemingly out of breath. He looks around before he spots you, his smile dropping a few seconds later when he spies your sour expression. You look away briefly, trying to rid it from your features, but it’s too late.

Bucky scoops Georgie up, the puppy happy to be held, and collects the rope toy before he begins making his way back to you, concern creasing his brow. You greet you dog first when he’s close, cupping his face and scratching behind his ears, but it’s only a thinly veiled tactic not to look at your boyfriend. It fails anyway, as he sweeps down to peck your lips chastly.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky asks, kneeling down to place Georgie back on the ground, and connecting his lead back to his collar again.

“Nothing,” you lie, receiving a frown in response.

“Really, it’s nothing. I’ll tell you later.” you brush it off more convincingly this time, and tuck yourself into Bucky’s side as you begin walking. He seems to accept this with a flat hum, but wraps his free arm around your back and presses a kiss to the side of your head.

You walk home sharing quiet conversation, and Bucky seemingly forgets about your glare and change in mood at the park, but you don’t.

It stays with you over the next couple of days, an unsettling and building upset. You aren’t sure if it makes you angry, or sad, or guilty even. It just makes you feel bad, and every time your mind is brought back to it, the weight of the emotions hit you heavily.

You’re standing at your stove, stirring the pasta sauce for dinner when it happens again. Bucky had gone to clean up some time ago, but last you’d checked he’d been lounging on your bed, Georgie cuddled up with him.

It was wrong for people to assume off the bat that your beautiful little puppy was somehow inherently worse, more aggressive or dangerous than other dogs. He’d never hurt a fly, and as long as he was brought up well and lived in a loving household, there was no reason that would suddenly change.

Pitbulls who were abused, or existed in places where aggression was rewarded and therefore exhibiting dangerous behaviours were made that way by human involvement, not by nature. Even then, the amount of stories of rehabilitated rescue pitbulls were more than abundant!

It hits you then, like a sack of bricks.

Bucky was the pitbull.

Not literally, of course, the woman had been explicitly referring to your dog, but internally, your anger and sadness and guilt had been about something else entirely.

It makes you feel even worse all of a sudden, because it wasn’t as if you hadn’t known this. You knew Bucky’s prior life and behaviour was entirely not of his own choosing, you know that HYDRA had forged him into what he’d been, and that with his freedom he’d chosen to change, to do and be better. To make amends.

You knew this, so why did this stupid anaology hit you so differently?

Your initial reaction to Bucky showing up again in your life wasn’t unfounded, you know you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. So where did the guilt come from? Was it only because now you knew him? Because of how things had changed and what you’d become to one another?

No, you realise, again rather suddenly, a second sack of bricks.

With Georgie around now, you got to see Bucky interacting with somebody else he adored, and the differences were stark. With Georgie, he wasn’t hesitance, there was no sense of cautiousness or reproach, but with you, there was.

Bucky was always so careful with you, always soft and gentle and aware. As if he himself wasn’t entirely sure you weren’t afraid.

You swallow thickly and shakily move to turn off the stove.

He almost never touched you with his left hand, if he could help it. The physicality between the two of you only extended to the occasional kiss and the closeness you’d share when you slept most nights. He never pressed beyond that, and while that was fine with you, you see it now in a different light. You don’t want to be in a relationship where one of you always felt like you were penitent.

You wonder if he thinks he doesn’t deserve more.

Slowly your feet carry you towards your bedroom, where you stop in the doorway to take in your view.

Bucky lay against your pillows, one arm tucked behind his head, and the other resting gently on Georgie’s, softly petting. The pup perks when he hears you though, sitting up and drawing Bucky’s attention too, before he gets up altogether and darts towards you.

“Probably thinks it’s dinner time.” Bucky remarks, and you shoot him a small smile, nodding.

“I’ll do it.” You tell him quietly. You quickly go about feeding your puppy, deciding it would be better to have him aside for the time being.

When you return, Bucky is sat up more, his phone in his hand, but he shuts it off and sets it aside when you enter the room. You aren’t sure how to say what you want to say, or even if Bucky would be honest in hearing it.

You don’t say anything as you join him on your bed, quickly curling up into his side.

“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly, and you realise he hadn’t forgotten about the day at the dog park. You draw yourself even closer, hiding your face in his shoulder as he shuffles so that he can wrap you up with both arms.

“You still feel guilty,” You murmur, unsure of if that will even make sense, but you don’t know how else to order your thoughts. Bucky pauses, and in your mind you can picture his brow furrowing and his lips turning down in the corners.

“Of course I do,” he says then, and you’re both a little surprised and relieved that you don’t have to explain yourself further.

Lifting your head, you find him staring up at the ceiling, though his eyes turn to you when you raise a hand to his cheek, forcing him to look at you.

“I really don’t want you to,” you tell him, earning you a small smile.

“I don’t think it works like that,” Bucky says, shifting again so that he can face you better.

“It does a little bit… if you think I’m still…” You fetter off, unsure of the word.

“Afraid?” Bucky supplies, and his choice of word confirms your suspicions.

“Buck… if I were even a little bit afraid, you wouldn’t be here right now,” You tell him firmly, needing him to hear you.

“I wouldn’t have let you come back to my home, or invited you inside. Trust me.”

His eyes dart away from yours, and he purses his lips.

“I don’t ever want to hurt you again,” Bucky’s voice is quiet, and you’re glad at least that he was engaging with you.

“I get it,” you tell him.

“But this isn’t going to work if you can’t trust me when I tell you something… and vice versa.”

His eyes snap to yours, and his frown deepens. You see a flash of worry in his eyes.

“If you’re always feeling like you’re walking on glass or that you need to tread carefully, that’s not really respecting my decision to be with you,” you say slowly. Bucky’s frown deepens again, and he swallows, but he nods hesitantly.

“I– I’m not saying that either of us can just forget– but at some point we have to forgive, right?”

Bucky stares at you for a moment, but slowly you see his frown lessen, and he nods again.

“I–” he cuts himself off and clears his throat.

“I never thought about it like that. I’m sorry.”

You shake your head.

“It’s okay. I understand… but Buck, you don’t have to make amends with me anymore,”

Bucky blinks, his face morphing into confusion.

“The past ten years I spent thinking I was gonna die alone, at least now I’ve got a fifty-fifty either way,” you play it off as a joke, and Bucky chortles, but he sobers quickly too, frown reappearing briefly as he cups your cheek.

“That’s a hard thing for me to come to terms with, honey… I don’t know if I’ll ever feel as though I can make up for everything. Not in a way that feels like it’s enough.” His thumb swipes gently back and forth over your cheek, and truly, you haven’t felt so safe or cherished in your entire life.

“Just start thinking about it. If it’s something you’ve never considered before, of course it’s hard to come to terms with.”

You lean up and press a soft kiss to his lips, intending to be chaste, but his hand at your cheek holds you there, and even now your heart flutters. He kisses you no more passionately than usual, but there’s a depth to it now that makes it feel brand new. It fetters off sweetly into shorter kisses, until he pecks you once more finally on the lips, before tugging you closer and kissing the top of your head.

“You may also need to come to terms with the fact I burnt dinner…” you scrunch up your nose as you admit the failure sitting on the stove, and Bucky’s whole body shakes as he laughs. He kisses your head again before his arms tighten around you.

“That ones a little bit easier, honey.”

If you like or enjoy, a comment or reblog is always highly appreciated! Thank you for reading!!!

[lucysweatslove]

My interpretation-

The heart of the challenge lies in how I’ve been feeling uncertain of myself in the clinic in general, and what I’ve started to think longer term about it: do I continue? Should I continue? Do I think I CAN continue? For transparency, I still love medicine, I enjoy the diagnostics and patient care, I love learning and even though I’m not expected to “learn” anything or have any clinical skills yet, I’m taking the opportunities presented to me. But I’m not feeling that sense of belonging or like I’m even good enougg. I feel awkward around the clinic, unsure what I’m doing on the general social side of things. I’ll be scheduled to meet with somebody, and they’ll have no clue im supposed to meet up / shadow them. I never know if this is how it’s “supposed” to be or an artifact of a busy, understaffed clinic and new coordinator who has never coordinated this before. It’s lead me to question if this whole thing was just a big mistake- if I should have applied regular instead of rural, if I should have accepted admission at another school. At times, even questioning if I should just quit now before I pay hundreds of thousands for a medical degree. Usually it’s not that bad and I just question what specialty I want since I usually feel most out of place around primary care. I don’t really know what I even WANT for sure at this point.

Which brings us to the ramifications of the challenge, what really has me feeling so negative about all of this. Disillusionment, stagnation, feelings of tension- maybe that I’m imagining but I can’t know for sure. I thought my rural experience would be more rural- its rural but also kinda not as one of the larger cities in the state is close by. The clinic has docs from other specialties come in specifically for the rural site- which is FANTASTIC for patients but also leaves me feeling like maybe I’m not getting the same rural experience I might get somewhere else. I thought it would be better organized for me- not that I expect that throughout med school, but I had no way to organize it myself, so I assumed it was supposed to be organized by other people. I did have my two weeks pre-planned, but I’ll find the doc I’m shadowing and they will be totally blindsided by it. Accommodating and kind, but without a clue I was supposed to be there or what I was even supposed to do. I feel more like a burden, which I end up interpreting as tension and hard feelings from the doc, even if I have none for them. Honestly? The excitement I had for this specific rural program (even to start school at all) feels really minimized at this point.

I’m honestly a little wishywashy on the “path to overcome” here, and my intuition is pulling it in two directions (which I find particularly humorous given the card itself). It’s a card about difficult decisions, being at a crossroads- which is also kind of the underpinning of the issue in general. I’m not sure if the two of swords here is telling me that the way to move forward is to make and commit to a decision OR that for right now, I don’t NEED to decide, and I can just decide to deal with the uncertainty (which historically I’m terrified of). I think most likely it’s saying, don’t make a decision yet- I’m too emotionally overloaded and need to give it time and NOT make some kind of rash decision.

Looking into shadow self vs higher self, it seems my shadow self is probably driving me to “act before I think.” I feel a lot a bit powerless in this situation, which I already know is impacting my eating (this isn’t intentional, I know I have to be mindful, but stress and powerlessness often means I start to slip a little into unhelpful thoughts and actions towards my own self). I think maybe this also is saying that the negative self-talk, where I’m over-analyzing my days and somehow convincing myself of how much I suck, is coming from my shadow self’s stress response and isn’t really the truth. My higher self, on the other hand, knows I can use this experience to better myself. Didn’t have a great experience? Motivates me to make the next experience better. Got some imposter syndrome? Learn more- practice my skills, read up on what I’ve seen and dedicate time to really understanding what I’m being exposed to. I know this new adventure is an adjustment and will come with a host of new challenges, not just this one, and the best way to prepare is to get myself organized, temper my expectations (especially of myself) so I can consistently show up to learn how to be a good doc.

Which I think is kind of the point, too. Although I think queen of pentacles is generally seen more on the fiscal side, like a businesswoman, or on the practical side of nurturing like a gardener or homesteader, to me I also think she represents some of the “self” or way of being I want to achieve in life and as a doctor too. Reliable, successful, resourceful, and practical, but nurturing and giving and service-minded too. She’s not the cerebral and logical but maybe a bit cold and out of touch doctor that I think of as some kind of stereotype. She’s like, the frontier doc who is always there for whatever her patients need, whether that’s delivering a baby, setting a bone, or listening to a grieving widow. Her profession and success don’t get in the way of her service- her profession and success are proof of it. Anyway, those are all traits I think I need to develop and balance, and maybe this whole rural thing right now is just helping me along the way. Not that making it through these two weeks means I’ve “gotten there” but that making it through these two weeks are a needed step in the journey.

The final card- three of pentacles to represent the change I’ll experience from overcoming this challenge- is highly focused on teamwork/collaboration and learning and qualification building. Yes, it’s often the reward/recognition/achievement card, but it’s got more nuances here aI think. Although in this deck, it’s represented by 3 bats and it’s a bit unclear, traditionally the artwork suggests some form of apprenticeship, and I can see that in the bats too. The two “higher” bats seem to have some magical something coming out of their mouths- feeding the “lower” bat with this magic. Ultimately what I’m doing for the next 7-8 years or more is apprenticeship; I’m learning from the mouths of my preceptors. It’s not necessarily a “completed goal” kind of card, more so one telling me that I’m on the right track to learning. IMO it’s not saying that overcoming means I will necessarily feel like I’ve learned so much and have integrated and feel like I belong and am respected for my own contributions, but more so that overcoming this little hurdle means I’ll be able to focus more and truly be committed to the learning, taking in all I can from those above me.

I haven’t done any tarot in a long while but I brought a card set with me to this rural thing and decided today, after feeling like crying for some reason I can’t place, to finally do a spread on a current challenge.

Not that it’s super informative. But honestly doing it again feels good, too.

[onlydylanobrien]

Dylan O'Brien - NME Magazine Interview

Dylan O’Brien: “I was in this transitional phase – close to a quarter-life crisis”

From YA heartthrob to legitimate leading man – how the 'Maze Runner' star hit his stride after a whirlwind decade

Definitely!” hoots Dylan O’Brien when NME asks if he still has to audition. “I’m not Tom fucking Hanks, bro.” He’s clearly amused by our question, but forgive us for thinking the 29-year-old actor gets cast on reputation alone. A decade into his career, and he’s making an impressive transition from teen TV star and YA franchise hero to charismatic leading man.

New York-born O’Brien cut his teeth on MTV’s hit Teen Wolf series, before landing the lead in the Maze Runner film trilogy based on James Dashner’s hugely popular novels. Leading a band of bright young things that included ex-Skins tearaway Kaya Scodelario, Game Of Thrones’ Thomas Brodie-Sangster and Will Poulter, he honed his craft while racking up nearly a billion dollars at the box office. “My career is a constant acting class,” says O’Brien. “To be able to do the Maze Runner movies simultaneously with Teen Wolf was amazing in terms of getting in reps and working my [acting] muscle.”

Now for the sometimes tricky bit. Many actors struggle with the post-breakout period, but O’Brien is making it look easy so far. This year’s Netflix hit Love and Monsters proved he can carry an old-school family adventure, and new film Flashback (out next week) reveals an appetite for weirder, more cerebral work. He stars as Fred Fitzell, a young man reluctant to buckle down to life as a nine-to-fiver with a boring corporate job and a long-term girlfriend (Mindhunter‘s Hannah Gross). When he runs into a freaky-looking acquaintance from his teenage years, Fred becomes obsessed with finding an old high-school friend he used to drop a mind-bending experimental drug called Mercury with. It’s difficult to say any more without entering spoiler territory, but Flashback is a wild ride underpinned by the idea that we can exist in several realities at once. Even if you follow every plot twist, you might not fully understand the end. “Oh, it’s definitely a headfuck,” O’Brien agrees. “There’s not totally an answer to figure out. There’s a lot of different things that people can take from it.”

Speaking over Zoom from his LA home, O’Brien is bright, thoughtful and really good fun to talk to, especially when he relaxes into the interview, but he clearly knows where his line between public and private lies. When he first read the Flashback script, written by the film’s director Christopher MacBride, his “mind was blown” by just how much he related to Fred. “I felt like I was in this transitional phase of my life that was, you know, sort of close to a quarter-life crisis type thing,” he says. “For whatever reason, it was like me and this script were meant to be. I remember reading it and thinking: ‘I am this guy right now.'”

“There were a lot of things in my personal life that were neglected for a while”

When we ask why O’Brien felt as though he had reached a “transitional phase”, he gives an answer that’s vague but not exactly evasive. For understandable reasons, he doesn’t mention the incredibly traumatic motorcycle accident he sustained while shooting the final Maze Runner film in March 2016. O’Brien suffered severe trauma to the brain and said in 2017 that he underwent extensive facial reconstructive surgery after the accident “broke most of the right side of my face”. Tellingly, he’s never really revealed what happened on set or how it affected him.

Today, O’Brien dances around the details of the accident and other issues he was dealing with at the time, but doesn’t shy away from discussing his inner conflict. “You know, it was a lot of personal things combined with at-a-point-in-my-career things,” he says after a brief pause. He says he’d have been going through some of this stuff anyway, simply because of his age, but it sounds as though success intensified it all. “It was like this whole fucking storm of shit,” he continues. “I was simultaneously so fulfilled and happy about these, like, otherworldly and surreal things that I had experienced in terms of where my career had brought me. I had all this confidence and fulfilment and beautiful people [in my life] – such amazing things to experience at a young age. But at the same time, there were a lot of things in my personal life that were unchecked and sort of neglected for a while.”

O’Brien says that in time, he realised he had to “stop for a second” and “re-explore how I wanted my life to look going forward”. In fairness, you can see why he needed a breather: his career took off while he was still a teenager. After his family moved from New Jersey to Los Angeles County when he was 12, O’Brien contemplated a career as a sports broadcaster – his Twitter bio still bills him as a “no longer suffering Mets fan” – then began posting YouTube videos as moviekidd826. A funny, slickly edited skit titled ‘How to Prepare for the SAT in 45 seconds’, shared when he was just 17, shows he was a born performer and storyteller. YouTube success led to him getting a manager, but his breakthrough role in Teen Wolf still came out of the blue. At the time, he was treading water at a local community college and taking auditions on the side.

Still, he has since taken a rather fatalistic view of this career-making moment. “It’s totally weird because, when I think about it now, I don’t see how it could have happened any other way. I can’t picture myself doing anything else now,” he told Collider in 2011. “It was really sudden and a little random, and not provoked by anything. It was just out of nowhere. It wasn’t my intentional doing.” Today, O’Brien summarises his skyscraper career trajectory succinctly. “I guess I just graduated high school and started acting,” he says. “And then I felt like I was just flying by the seat of my pants and never got a chance to stop.” Thankfully, straight-out-the-blocks Hollywood success hasn’t taken away his sense of perspective. When I say how easy social media makes it to compare yourself unfavourably to others, O’Brien jumps in: “Yeah, that’s very true. I was watching the Billie Eilish doc the other day, and I was like, I’ve done nothing. I’m not an artist at all!”

“No one thought ‘Love and Monsters’ was going to be good!”

O’Brien is also self-deprecating when he talks about being cast in Flashback, suggesting it happened because he had such an intense connection with Fred. “I was honestly like, ‘Who is watching me right now?’ That is the best way I can describe how I was feeling when I came across this script,” he says. “Chris [MacBride, director] and I had this conversation that went so well in terms of [my] understanding this script that I think he’d sent around a lot and [that] very commonly wasn’t understood. I think Chris has even said that the night before shooting, he suddenly had this thought, like, ‘Wait, do I even think he’s a good actor?'”

Though O’Brien has firmly ring-fenced elements of his private life, he’s actually pretty frank about his acting vehicles. He readily admits he was expecting a snobbish response to Love and Monsters, a CGI-heavy hybrid of post-apocalyptic action and romcom that dropped on Netflix in April and topped the streamer’s daily most-watched list. “It means so much that Love and Monsters has gotten the response that it’s gotten,” O’Brien says. “No one thought this movie was going to be good.” His blunt honesty makes me laugh out loud. “No one did though!” he says in response. “And so, fuck that. You know, most of the people who say something to me about the movie, they’re like: ‘I watched Love and Monsters, and it was… good?’ And honestly, that just cracks me up.” For obvious reasons, we hastily decide not to share our response to the film – namely, that it was a whole lot better than expected.

In Love and Monsters, O’Brien plays Joel, a survivor of a so-called “monsterpocalypse” that has bumped humans to the bottom of the food chain. Though he’s known in his colony as a bit of a coward, Joel sets off on a treacherous 80-mile journey to find his high school sweetheart Aimee (Iron Fist‘s Jessica Henwick), which means evading the hungry clutches of various supersize grizzlies including a giant monster-frog hiding in a suburban pond. It’s a simple but pretty out-there premise that wouldn’t work if O’Brien’s performance was even slightly condescending. Instead, his unselfconscious sincerity really sells a film that has as much in common with the family-oriented Robin Williams movie Night at the Museum as darker fare like The Walking Dead.

His obvious affection for the project really comes across during our interview today. “When I read the script, I just thought it was so sweet and funny and smart and unique, but at the same time reminiscent of all these movies that don’t really get made any more,” he says. That’s a fair point: Love and Monsters is neither a fail-safe superhero movie nor a slice of classy Oscar bait. “And when they were talking about how to market this movie, it was so funny hearing all these conversations like, ‘How do we actually get people to watch it?'” he adds. “But that’s a big part of the reason I wanted to do this movie: because it felt like something I missed seeing.”

“I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who want to make something out of love”

So in a way, Love and Monsters was a risk for an actor seeking to establish himself outside of a bankable movie franchise and a hit TV show. O’Brien has only made four films since his final Maze Runner outing in 2018, and insists he hasn’t been tactical with his choices. “I don’t have anyone saying, ‘We need to get you in an Oscar vehicle’, or any of that kind of shit,” he says. “I’m really lucky to be surrounded by people who think like me: that you should do what you’re drawn to, and make something out of love.”

He’s recently finished shooting a mysterious crime thriller called The Outfit in London with Mark Rylance. Directed and co-written by Graham Moore, who won an Oscar for his screenplay to Alan Turing biopic The Imitation Game, O’Brien calls it “quite possibly one of the most special pieces of writing I’ve ever experienced”. He first read the script on a plane and says he “actually stood up and clapped” when he got to the end. Considering O’Brien probably wasn’t flying Ryanair, this reaction presumably attracted a few baffled glances.

Anyway, it must be pretty intimidating walking onto set with Rylance, a multi-award-winning actor revered by his peers – Al Pacino once said he “speaks Shakespeare as if it was written for him the night before” – but it sounds as though O’Brien took it all in stride. He says he’s confident in his abilities, but admits to having a slight wobble whenever he begins a new project. “I’m always sort of re-questioning everything – like, ‘Can I even act?'” he says. “But I think there’s something very natural about that. I think even Rylance could relate to that feeling. Acting is like starting a new year at school every single time.”

At this point in his career, O’Brien has made peace with the fact that some people will have preconceptions about him based on what he’s known for: Maze Runner and Teen Wolf. “People will put you in a box no matter what,” he says. “There was definitely a time when that would get to me, especially when it felt like somebody had a perspective on me that in my soul, I just felt wasn’t accurate.” Still, there’s no doubt he wants to show us what’s really in his soul with more films like Flashback. “If anything,” he adds bullishly, “it just makes me think: ‘Right, I’m really gonna show them now’.”

‘Flashback’ is out on digital platforms from June 4

[spaceorphan18]

99 Perspectives on a Single Love Story #47

A/N: The Story of Kurt and Blaine told through the eyes of everyone else but them. Each chapter is a different perspective in the ongoing tale of their love story.

I started something like this a while back - and now I’m taking the idea and really running with it. Each chapter is a ficlet of a different character at a different point in Kurt and Blaine’s life - documenting their love story. This starts in Audition, and each chapter will be paired with a different episode until reaching Dreams Come True.

[Ao3]

***

Chase Madison (Makeover) 

Chase Madison takes a moment to look the new kid, Kurt Hummel, up and down. He’s busy sketching something on a big pad of paper, unaware that Chase is taking a moment to check him out. He has nice taste even if he does look a little green. Nothing that Chase can’t help with.

“Don’t,” his boss, Isabelle, says as she breezes by him.

“What?” Chase asks, feigning innocence.

“I know that look, Chase Madison,” she points a finger at him as she walks backwards. “You don’t need to sleep with every one of my interns.”

“Yes, but is it really me if I don’t try?” Chase asks with a laugh.

She wiggles a finger at him, silently warning him not to. When has Isabelle ever really stopped him though?

He walks over, a little swagger in his step, as he tries to play it casual, and leans against the partition separating Kurt’s cubicle from everyone else’s. Kurt, however, doesn't look up. Chase stands there, a little awkwardly, for a moment before he clears his throat - finally gaining Kurt’s attention.

“Hey.” Chase gives his most debonair smile.

“Oh, hi.” Kurt’s eyes widened with surprise.

“Just wanted to see how you were doing,” Chase says, a little playfulness in his voice. “Not easy being the new guy here.”

Kurt gives a little shrug, hardly containing a grin. “I’m loving it actually.”

“Ah,” Chase nods. “So...whatcha working on?”

“Well, after that whole meeting debacle, I thought I’d try to come up with a few new ideas,” Kurt says look down to his work. “I don’t think leather is the most inspired thing to do, but there are some things you can do with it. I’m working around a couple of things. The idea being that leather shouldn’t be a focal point - more of an accentuating highlight. Maybe a denim with a leather stripe, or a leather underside to a suit or, oh! Maybe a vest that has dark leather underpinning to it, or a black leather crisscross pattern… There are a lot of possibilities though I’m not so sure how many are practical…”

Chase nods. Wow this kid is super into this job. “Sounds like you’re really passionate about all of this.”

“I am,” Kurt says proudly. “I mean, I know it sounds crazy but working here… it’s like a dream come true.”

“Well then,” Chase gives him the most flirtatious of grins. “Maybe you can express more of your passion over a drink.” “Oh, is this like an office thing?” Kurt asks. “Do you guys all go out for coffee and ruminate ideas after work, too? I would love to pick Isabelle’s brain over Fall 2010’s catalogue. Her innovative work with glitter on polyester was the most amazing and unique thing I’ve ever seen on a man.”

He cannot seriously be this naïve. “Um, true, Isabelle is rather a genius,” Chase chokes out. “But I was thinking maybe it’d be just you and I.”

“Oh! Oh…” Kurt deflates in his chair as Chase’s intentions sink in. “No, thank you, I’m not interested.”

The bluntness catches Chase off guard. “Really? New York’s a big city. Maybe you’d like someone to show you around a bit?”

Kurt almost coldly goes back to sketching. “I’m fine figuring the city out on my own.”

“Okay, then…”

Well, at least Chase knows when to take the hint. The kid is probably frigid in bed, too. On his way back to his desk, Isabelle shoots him a look with a tilted head and an eyebrow raise - as if to say ‘I told you so.’ Whatever. There will always be another new intern.

[snackhobi]

22 - things you said after it was over

prompt sent in by @55west81st​ (ty queen 💖); I tried saving the original ask as a draft and it disappeared. thanks tumblr. prompts are currently shut, I’m just trying to work through the ones in my inbox, sorry for the wait on this. unbeta’ed so please excuse any mistakes 🤧

pairing: jungkook x reader (kind of) / word count: 1.6k / genre: angst  / warnings: none

You don’t exactly remember when you met Jungkook. Lost to time and the past, the smear of childhood memories gone hazy as years have gone by—kids the same age, neighbours, basically destined to become best friends. He’s always been a fixture in your life. Underpinning everything, a constant presence at your side; it doesn’t matter that you don’t remember when and how you met. Doesn’t matter that you don’t remember exactly how you became best friends, because you just are. 

A fact is a fact and it doesn’t need dissection. Doesn’t need questioning. It’s not like Jungkook is your other half, really—you’re a full and whole person by yourself, thank you very much—but when he’s there it’s like you’re more of a person. More of yourself. Two different people who are so intertwined it’s hard to separate all those spiralling threads, a tapestry, weft and warp, spun and tightened, growing longer and longer as the years tumble by. 

It feels like you’ve both been woven together so perfectly, by Arachne’s skilled hands, more adept and adroit than a goddess, even. You and Jungkook, Jungkook and you; you just… work. It’s easy. You fall into his rhythm, and he falls into yours, even as you grow and change and mature, life shaping you into people who are so different to those kids who first met, all those years ago.

You think it’ll never end. Why should it, after all? You’ve come this far. Why can’t you go further? Why can’t you be with each other till the very end, years and decades, a lifetime—with a friendship this good, how could it ever go sour? How could this flawless bolt of cloth unravel?

You’re there for him the first time he gets his heart broken, letting him cry his feelings into your shirt, holding him close. He’s always been so big hearted, has Jungkook, a romantic through and through, hoping and yearning and aching for Big Love, desperate to grasp it with both hands. But that’s okay. You’re still young; you have time to fall in love and fall out of love and to learn what you’re really looking for. Even if there’s that flicker in you, that tiny voice that murmurs, maybe it could be you? You’ll ignore it, be there for Jungkook, like you always have been, always will be.

It keeps happening.

It keeps happening. Jungkook falls hard and fast and deep, goes all in, throws himself entirely into love like he does with everything else, and his heart gets broken over, and over, and over. You watch for years and years, try to guide him away from the wrong people, saying your piece or staying silent, trying everything in your power to make him see, and yet, he keeps doing it. 

It’s exhausting. It gets bigger and bigger, Jungkook trapped in a maze that he seems to willingly step deeper into day by day. This time, they’re the one, he says. I know it. I can feel it.

It’s exhausting. Trying to be there for him, to support him when he doesn’t support himself. He leans on you and you try to stand tall, but it’s hard, so hard, all this giving, without getting anything in return. Not any more.

It's exhausting. It’s not a sudden realisation. There’s no bolt of lightning, no sudden spark bursting to life in your skull, no. It’s more like the inevitable rise of the tide, the shifting of tectonic plates, slow and implacable and unstoppable, undeniable. With a low and slow sadness, the realisation is this: you’re not Jungkook’s priority any more. You haven’t been, not for a long time. Even if he’s still your shining star, the thing in your life that you’ve placed on a pedestal and taken care of with delicate hands; that loyalty isn’t returned, any more. You can’t remember the last time it was. Can’t remember that feeling of being full of the knowledge that, at the end of the day, yours are the arms that Jungkook returns to.

He takes you for granted. Doesn’t return your love the way he used to, because he knows it’ll always be there for him. He doesn’t even seem to realise how far you drifted, and maybe, that’s what hurts the most. The fact that your growing absence in his life isn’t one that he even notices, so intent on these other people—people who take his heart and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze, a soft little plum that bursts in their hands, messy and painful.

Day by day, you draw back. See if he’ll follow. Watch as he doesn’t. Feel hollow and cold even when you return, reach out your hand, only to have Jungkook’s eyes focused somewhere else. He says he misses you, wants to spend more time with you, but then he’s always distracted, never putting you first.

Not any more.

That’s the thing people don’t really talk about. There’s always talk of big arguments, blow outs, blow ups, bubbling emotions, frothing and hot like lava, a volcanic explosion that leaves nothing but ash and devastation in its wake. Like love is there one moment and shattered the next.

They don’t talk about the erosion of sea against rocks, the lapping waves that pull away layer after layer, over decades and centuries and millennia, slowly destroying something that once stood so strong. They don’t talk about how love leaves. How it fades, a solar flare that grows and grows, impossibly strong and bright—before it ebbs away.

You never realised love could be like that. You thought that it would just continue to grow the more you learned about someone. You thought that you and Jungkook would be friends forever; that your daily talks would never end, that the sound of his laughter would always echo in the chambers of your head and heart, that the overwhelming love you had would always be that. Overwhelming. Endless. Unstoppable.

You grow up, and grow apart. You give, and give up. 

But you think, for all that you’ve come apart, you can always come back together. That connection is still there, layered experiences and memories that time can’t pull apart, written in stone. You’ll be able to bridge that gap in due time. You might not be the right people for each other right now, but you were in the past, and you can be in the future. You have faith. There’s no way this level of love can ever truly fade.

Surely.

It’s strange, seeing Jungkook again. Strange, to see how his face is still the same but so different, familiar and unfamiliar all at once. Strange to see how he carries himself, how he moves and walks and breathes, echoes of your Jungkook etched into every part of him, even if he’s someone you don’t recognise any more.

But you’ve changed, too.

And you can see that he sees that. You can see the way his eyes widen, just a little, small flickers of surprise around his eyes and mouth. You can still read him so well after all this time, in a way you know no one else will be able to.

Your heart aches.

It aches for what happened. What could have happened. What could have been. But you’re here now, in this moment, and you can start anew. You can start weaving that tapestry again, take those loose, moth-eaten threads and spin them into something as beautiful as before. You’ve always held onto that hope, and you know it shines from your face now.

Then Jungkook opens his mouth.

And it… doesn’t… click.

You don’t click. Jungkook’s rhythm is off-beat, and when you try to match it, sync up the way you used to, so effortlessly—it doesn’t work. You try to follow his metronome’s beat, but you just can’t. Even as Jungkook’s eyes light up, and you can see how excited he is to see you again, how he talks and talks, words stumbling over themselves—he’s ignoring this gap that’s grown. Tries to talk like you used to, like all the silence between you can be swept away like it never happened. Like everything’s just like it used to be. Him and you, you and him. So desperate to make up for lost time, to pretend like everything is just like it used to be.

It’s exhausting, trying to match this manic pace of his, when it never used to be. Never should be.

And Jungkook—Jungkook doesn’t even realise.

(And, like that, you know it’s gone.)

(Your heart will always be soft for Jungkook. Your first friend, first best friend, first love, first heartbreak. But the Jungkook you hold in your heart is one that doesn’t exist, not any more. He’s a memory of the past, a shadow, eclipsing the real Jungkook that stands in front of you. A stranger.)

(Not your Jungkook. Not any more.)

“I’ll see you around?” His eyes, shining.

And even as you open your mouth, line the words up on your tongue, settling the lie behind your teeth—because you know it’s a lie, even if it’s something you wish you could make true—you know it’s over.

“Of course,” you say.

And there’s a moment. A flicker. Jungkook looks at you, and you look at him, and you realise—he can’t read this part of you. This new part that’s grown apart from him. When before he could so easily flit his eyes between the lines of the things you said, pull the true meaning out—he can’t, any more.

“I really missed you,” he says, quiet and soft.

And this is the truth you speak, even as you watch everything splinter apart in front of you, all your hope finally gone, everything finally over—

“I missed you, too.”

(And you always will.)

[rhapsodyinprogress]

I’ve been brewing a ramble on why I think Josh and Donna are my ultimate number one OTP ever, but I was having trouble articulating it, but now I’ve got it so here we go.

My favourite thing about Josh and Donna is that it takes them seven and a half seasons to kiss. YES I SAID IT. Bear with me here. Do I think we maybe could have sped this up a bit? Had the first kiss in season 5 sometime like I suspect might have happened if Sorkin had stuck around? Yes, but that not actually what I mean. 

What I mean is, my favourite thing about Josh and Donna is that we spend basically every scene they share together, from the Pilot right up until The Cold establishing how much they care about each other. Every. Single. Scene. Like yeah, sometimes it’s just a scene where one of them is making fun of the other one, or Josh is explaining something to Donna who’s being the audience proxy that day, but, because of the gift that is Janel Maloney and Bradley Whitford’s chemistry and acting choices, even those scene are always underpinned by that same thing: these people deeply, deeply care about each other.

I remember very distinctly watching the scene where Donna finds out that Josh has been shot for the first time. I mean, obviously I was already two hundred feet down the shipper rabbit hole by that point, so I was basically a disaster. But what I remember is my mother, who only gets casually involved in show relationships gasping “Oh no Donna!” when she walked on screen.

That’s the first episode of season TWO y’all. We hadn’t had Noel, or 17 People, the Diary or Jack Reese or really any of the major shippy moments we know and love. We’d had.... The skiing book and “gather ye rosebuds” and...like... yeah. Joey Lucas wouldn’t even lay out the whole misdirection thing until episode 2.14 and yet, my casual viewer of a mother was like OH YES THIS IS GOING TO HURT MY HEART.

And yes, it’s torture and yes they’re ridiculous and yes “it’s not slow burn they’re just idiots” is like the Josh and Donna shipper slogan but I just. LOVE. IT. I love that it is so clearly established that they are so completely done for each other that Donna tying Josh’s bowtie is enough to have us all lying facedown on the floor weeping. There is something just... unspeakably tender about their relationship because it goes sooooo slooooow.

And the slowness makes every major thing that happens like 20 times more devastating. Like yes, the Gaza arc would have ruined us even if Josh had told Donna he loved her sometime back around Holy Night.  But instead we watch Josh wrestle with the fact that the person we’ve spent 5 seasons establishing as his heart and soul might die, while wrestling with the fact that he’s realizing in real time that she is, in fact, his heart and soul, while wrestling with the fact that HE STILL CAN’T TELL HER THAT (because Colin, and he’s her boss, and the White House is in crisis and, and, and). It’s just a special type of pain.

Also, sidebar - as a person still attempting (at 30-something years of age) to figure out where she falls on the ace spectrum, who has a very weird, confusing, nebulous relationship with sexual attraction, the fact that their relationship takes 145 episodes to veer into the physical is really very special to me. It’s not that I don’t think they have sexual tension all the way through the show (because I do) it’s that their friendship and emotional connection is treated as the vastly more important aspect and that does many many things to my heart. 

Like - y’all know the little hand wave scene I’m obsessed with in “Evidence of Things Not Seen”? Donna knocks on the glass and waves and Josh gives a tiny wave back and then he turns to Joe and says “that’s my assistant, Donna,” and they way Brad delivers that line is like he’s saying “That��s my very best friend in the entire world, Donna,”. I love watching our two dumb children make out just as much as the next person, but these are the scenes that ruin my life.

It’s like delayed gratification to the max. By the time they finally moosh their faces together, it’s such a rush you feel like you can climb the walls from sheer joy, howling into the night like a feral wolf child; “FINALLY IT HAS COME TO PASS. THE PROMISE WRITTEN IN RED LIGHTS AND BOW TIES AND SNOWBALLS AT THE WINDOW. BEHOLD THE SHIP THAT COMES TO FRUITION AFTER 145 EPISODES AND SEVEN SEASONS. ALL SHALL BOW DOWN IN WORSHIP,”

Or maybe that last part was just me.

(Anyway Tl;Dr - Josh and Donna are the greatest slow burn ship ever and I will love them from now until I, I dunno, die probably.)

[outbythehighwind]

Tifa’s Fighting Style

One of the things that impressed me most about FF7R is Tifa Lockhart’s combat. Her mechanics were dazzling. Her combos left me awed. Her style was so realistic, but... what was it? Naturally, I did some digging, and happened to stumble across a blog where most of the work had already been done. So this post is courtesy of Flowerslightning, with thoughts and elaboration on my part. THANKS AND CREDIT TO THIS WONDERFULLY INSIGHTFUL BLOGGER (do check out her tumblr for more fantastic content).

First, let’s note that Tifa’s combat design is very much in the field of fighting games. To some degree at least, developers take inspiration from real-life arts. The style of Tekken’s Lei Wulong, for instance, is based on the Drunken First. Street Fighter’s Chun Li uses the model of Chinese Kenpo.

The FFVII devs - to my knowledge - have revealed nothing on Tifa’s inspired martial arts background. She adopted the monk style (the fisticuffs of FF-verse) from a traveler named Zangan. That’s all we know. She trained (obviously very hard) as his pupil for the 2 years between Cloud leaving Nibelheim and Sephiroth burning the town. Zangan then brought her to Midgar and continued his travels. The only path for discerning real-arts inspiration is through observing Tifa’s fights - though even such attempt is limited. Her style is not as straightforward as Lei’s or Chun Li’s. She seems to employ a mix of martial arts, specializing in the offense and using speed and dexterity to her advantage.

Here are the main styles that Flowerslightning deduced, supported by some of Tifa’s abilities.

1. Muay Thai [demonstrated by Somersault].

This is the known as the “Art of Eight Limbs” and is commonly referred to as “Thai boxing”. It differs from traditional kickboxing (which has its roots in Japan) most notably in being an 8-point instead of 4-point striking system. In other words, Muay Thai employs elbow and shin strikes in addition to kicks and punches. Tifa’s kicks, I would say, are actually more akin to kickboxing, for Muay Thai places emphasis on heavy kicks involving the shin bone. Yet her acrobatic style is very akin to the latter.

In addition to the key boxing techniques of both the Thai and Japanese art, Tifa’s elbow maneuvers provide further evidence for the former. This is most evident during her fight with Loz, where she uses her elbows for offense and defense. One could say she expanded her Thai-based skills during in the 2 years that followed saving the world.

Running a new bar and raising two under-10-year-olds would have left at least a... smidgen of free time, right?

2. Muay Thai [demonstrated by Refocus].

Some may suggest this move of Tifa’s is a Taekwondo technique (we’ll get to that lovable sport soon, don’t you worry), but I agree with Flowerslightning in that her jumping style is more Muay Thai. Almost all Muay Thai techniques use movement of the entire body, rotating the hip with each kick, punch, elbow and block. This to me is the obvious discerning factor. Tifa exquisitely throws her whole body into the majority of her combos and limit breaks, ground and aerial alike. Specifically through that neat hip rotation. Refocus is but one example of many.

PS. Don’t you just love her boots? The gloves are really something but, those red boots... Just look at them.

3. Taekwondo [shown in Overpower].

Literally the “Way of the Hand and Foot”, this is a Korean martial art set apart by its emphasis on kicks. Head-height kicks, jump spin kicks, swift kicks, the list goes on. (But of course, there’s plenty of hand blocking and take-downs too.) Did you know that Taekwondo is part of South Korea’s military training program as well as their national sport? Its skillset is heavy in self-defense.

Tifa is mostly an offensive attacker (and wow, do her strikes deal devastating damage). Yet her aerial maneuvers and acrobatic footwork certainly have elements of Taekwondo. What makes the Taekwondo kick-style unique is its elaborate, advanced forms. Xtreme 720s, for instance, are underpinned by precise technical soundness and accuracy.

Yes, these are literal 720° mid-air turns with a SERIES of kicks timed in utmost precision. They require extraordinary strength. Something Tifa deceptively pulls off with ease, no?

4. Hēi-Hǔ-Quán [displayed in Starshower].

Flowerslightning deduces this ATB ability to be a Boxing combo. Though to me it looks more like Hēi-Hǔ-Quán (lit. ‘Black Tiger Fist’, a Shaolin striking art from China). Watch her hands closely: the thumbs are curled like the fingers rather than wrapped around them to form a fist. Tifa’s wide stances and acrostic kicks are a little less tiger-esque than Hēi-Hǔ-Quán, but there is definitely resemblance of the style there too.

All in all, she seems to employ a mixture of Shaolin arts and Boxing. Her finger-positions for fast jabs (as in Starshower and the Loz fight) are predominantly of the Tiger Fist. Her more powerful strikes, meanwhile, include Boxing crosses, hooks and uppercuts. The sewer cutscene demonstrates this clearly, when Tifa & Cloud encounter the Sahagin.

And damn, do we love the back-to-back Cloti in that scene. Surely I’m not just speaking for myself here.

5. Boxing [displayed in Unbridled Strength].

Tifa’s aforementioned fist moves and powerful finishing punches are no doubt reminiscent of boxing. Also, she always enters a fight with her fists closed in a boxing stance (whether she will employ Shaolin or other hand techniques is irrelevant). Take her cutscene against the Whispers where she, Cloud and Aerith arrive at Sector 7. She begins with a cross and follows with a rotated hook - one of the most basic boxing combos.

BONUS FACT: Rather than orthodox, Tifa always employs a southpaw stance (right hand and right foot forward). This is the preferred stance of a left-hand fighter. Is Tifa left-handed? Considering her fighting alone, yes is the plausible assumption. Here are a few examples:

     - Unbridled Strength has her delivering a finishing blow with her left hand. We would expect such a move to be done with the power hand.

     - Her single strike that hurls Loz across the church is also with the left hand. This punch is not part of a combo; she could have used either hand.

     - In guard position, her left is the rear hand, to both attack and protect herself.

     - And of course, in southpaw stance, she always begins with a left-hand strike.

However, all of Tifa’s general actions (to my observance) - like bartending, catching Aerith in the sewer, carrying the Buster Sword into Corneo’s quarters, etc. - suggest that she is right-handed. So why use the left, the weaker, as her dominant hand in fighting? Could she actually be ambidextrous? That is a possibility. But weighing up the evidence in addition to Tifa's ingenuity, this could well be out of fighting strategy.

Southpaw can give Tifa a strategic advantage, you see, because of the tactical and cognitive difficulties her enemies would have of coping with a fighter who moves in a mirror-reverse of the norm. In other words, she takes advantage of the fact that most fighters lack experience against lefties. Doing this:

     - opens up chance for a variety of surprise combos;

     - puts her human enemies in danger of KOs by what would otherwise be ordinary strikes; and

     - enables her to trick her opponents should she unexpectedly convert to orthodox during fights.

Pretty damn awesome, huh?

6. Gymnastics [dodging maneuvers].

Gymnastics, like fighting arts, enhances balance, strength, flexibility and agility - the four areas Tifa excels at. Now, we’ve talked a lot about her strong points. But what of her weaknesses? Players will have noticed immediately that Tifa has a major setback. She can accurately be described as a glass cannon, due to her low HP and defenses that counter-balance her speed and dexterity. That is precisely what makes playing as her so compelling; you get that sense of life or death intensity. The fight feels REAL. She is the least OP character in the party, in addition to by far being the most difficult to master. Utilized properly, she can be the strongest of them all. And wow, is that rewarding or what?

Because of her weak defenses, Tifa must constantly remain on the move, and gymnastics is the quintessential means in doing so. Hand springs, aerial cartwheels - you name it, she’s got it. As if those kicks and uppercuts don’t scream epic enough already. Doesn’t it just make her even MORE amazing?

So I’ve added Hēi-Hǔ-Quán to Flowerslightning’s conclusion: that Tifa’s combat is Mixed Martial Arts, with her dominant skills as Kickboxing, Taekwondo and Muay Thai. And of course, the interweaving of Gymnastics, which adds an elegance to her epic kickassery.

Tifa lost her teacher after just two years, and spent the last five managing & running a bar, serving as AVALANCHE’s funder & treasurer, and effectively solo-raising Barret’s little daughter. Add two more years, and we have a completely absent Barret, a very sick child in addition to the one she is (now permanently) raising, and a depressed, distant Cloud who has left her to struggle as a solo barkeep, full-time nurse and single mother. How on earth did she find the time and will to master her fighting techniques?

Yes, we are talking about fiction, but this woman is nothing short of incredible. Not simply as a fighter - that isn’t even the start of it. Tifa is, to me, the character who has had it the hardest. Yet she perseveres. And not only that, but she gives. She gives and gives, and doesn’t give up, even when everyone else around her has. In addition, she is the only ‘ordinary’ member of the party: Cloud, on top of military training, had his senses enhanced with Mako & Jenova cells; Barret literally has a gun for an arm; and Aerith as the last Cetra possesses exceedingly strong magic. Tifa, like with everything she does, worked hard to hone her skills. And that, to me, is incontestably admirable.

As Flowerslightning put it, she was “ready to go through hell and yet still remain soft”. And those virtues she held to, where most people would have quit. Compassion and perseverance to the end, the two traits that uphold her - to me - as the most inspiring hero of fiction.