#that said.. I still think the only reason they applied was because they lived abroad and wanted to move back | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tundrainafrica · 3 years ago

Note

hi do you accept fanfic requests? because imagine a love, rosie levihan au? the childhood friends to lovers slowburn? the angst in the middle but it gets resolved by the end?

Title: Lock and Key (1/2)

Summary:

"He thought back to the dingy small town, back to the dingy cage. Hange was just one canary who flew off. And Levi was the one left behind in the cage.

So he kept the lock in place. He held onto the key. Just in case, she did decide to come back."

Levi and Hange are childhood friends and Levi just can't bring himself to tell her how he feels.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Notes: I'm sorry anon I did not follow the whole prompt. I took some liberties with it but I hope you still enjoy <3. Quick warning, it's a little angstier (maybe?)

It all started with a party. Years later, Levi was sure, during his off days, he would go back it---to the flashes of strobe lights, the guitar riffs, the beat music, the strong taste of alcohol burning at his throat.

Not for any of those sensations though. He felt like he was dying. They were painful,o verwhelming and Levi was frozen on his seat, cocktail glass between his shaking fingertips, the unnatural heat grazing his cheeks.

He didn’t want to be there.

But he would only be a high school student once. Soon enough they would be sending applications for college and he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the party scene with the thrill of ‘illegality.’

Soon, Levi had to admit, it wasn’t just about the experience. Who cared if it was illegal or legall. It was never just about the experience. He lived his whole high school life not engaging with that type of crowd.

It was Hange who got him just breaking past that comfort bubble he set up for himself, for just that one night. And the experience came with a burning question.

When can we do it again?

Hange was submitting applications to colleges outside the country. Levi didn’t know the odds exactly, he had been too terrified to ask. Something was telling him though that Hange wouldn’t be going to college nearby. In a years time, she might not be next to him.

Hange. The Hange that had been such a constant in his life. And when he was counting down days while basking in uncertainties, he was just a little more open to very uncomfortable feelings.

Hange didn't seem so terrified."This might just be our last hurrah before entrance exams," she said, a cheeky smile on her face.

I know that. Levi said. And as he saw that intent look in her gaze, all for him he was sure. Did he look like he was enjoying? How could he be enjoying it though when the music was playing in time to his pounding head?

“Toilet,” Levi said.

“Okay, you want me to order something else?”

“Just order anything. It’s your birthday,” Levi said as he teetered just a little bit towards the bathroom stall. They had picked a corner table at least and fortunately, the walk to the bathroom didn’t feel like so much of a journey.

Levi stayed in the toilet for a while longer. There were two stalls but by some divine grace, the bathroom was empty and Levi had to act quickly if he wanted to get anything out.

He studied his features. He was bright pink under the white light. He was occasionally blurry. The bright lights that came with reflections got his head a little pounding. But he thought he was in a fairly decent position to at least try.

He had plans on how to do it. Subtly so it wouldn’t hurt. Smartly so he only elicited enough of a reaction to placate his own doubt. And smoothly, so it would end in a blink of an eye.

“Hange, there’s a post I found on Reddit…” Levi rehearsed. Well technically that part was true but he didn’t want her to think he actually rehearsed that.

“Hey Hange, with college exams coming up soon… and your plans…” Levi started. Did he seem just a little too stalkery then? Was he supposed to be thinking of her plans when she hadn’t even told him anything?”

Levi had rehearsed, but the answers came out a little too impromptu. “I have an idea…”

“An idea? That sounds interesting. Everytime we work together in groupworks you never have ideas…” Hange’s voice was slurring, she was a little too talkative and Levi was hesitating.

He cleared his throat. “An idea…” He tested it himself, just to make sure it wasn’t coming out faltered or stilted like Hange’s voice then. “A marriage pact?”

Hange’s eyes widened then. And for a second, there was a flash of sobriety in them. “A marriage pact? This sounds interesting…”

Levi was quick to amend it, scolding whatever hell ghost changed those words before he said it. “Dating pact. I meant a dating pact. We’re not gonna get married without dating of course... I saw this on Reddit but what if… When we’re twenty-eight, when you finish that PhD you’ve always wanted and we’re still single… What if we try dating? Don’t get me wrong… dating just feels weird but I think that I might be missing something here but maybe when I’m that old, that would be a good time to try it out.”

Hange hummed in thought. “That’s an idea. We’re probably still too young to be thinking about dating huh? And with college exams coming up…” The gears in her brain were moving, Levi was sure. “But, if let’s say you find someone… Or I find someone?”

If you find someone? Just imagining the phantom man had Levi catching something in his throat. He looked away as he felt the bile rise up his throat, a little shaken by that moment where his imagination went wild for just a second. But he wasn’t supposed to feel that way.

Or maybe he should be feeling that way. After all, how many drinks had he downed until that point. Hange was starting to be a little wild too. It wasn’t an all too uncharacteristic move. She had always been the loud one, the more extroverted one.

But she was always particularly studious too and just seeing Hange jumped out of her seat and navigate her way through the crowds and towards the dancefloor had Levi suspended in disbelief for a second.

But he followed suit.

The strobe lights were brighter. The music was louder and in a way, it had devolved into ringing in his ears. Those were only secondary.

The moment he caught up to Hange, he found himself holding her by the arm, navigating all the way until her hand, just for a better grip. She was an anchor to reality, an anchor to reasoning beyond the harrowing effects of the lights and sounds.

Her skin on his wasn’t an overwhelming outburst of sensations. It was warm, it was smooth. The pull as she danced to some rhythm was predictable.

He had known her for years. Hange had always embodied comfort for him.

Tipsy, overwhelmed and a little unhinged at that moment, Levi danced to her rhythm and he rode the dizzying trappings of his inebriated state.

Riding such feelings though had its own collection of surprises and soon Levi found himself on the rooftop of the bar, enjoying the feel of the concrete right below him and beneath it, the shaking from the bass of the music just on the floor below him. It was faint though and there were sounds and sensations more intimate at that moment.

Hange’s breaths and the laughs in between were shaky. Her grip on his hand was tighter, far from painless but he couldn’t complain. God forbid, it might just end.

“Levi, I thought about the dating pact. What happens if you find someone? Or I find someone?”

“Then we don’t push through with the pact. Simple as that,” Levi said.

“You’ll still be there right? Even if I find someone?”

Levi felt a wave relief rush through him and he let out a harsh breath, a product of his own tipsiness then and his own discomfort at their circumstances. “We’ve been best friends since before we could remember. What’s a few more decades?”

“We might lose touch… I dunno? Did I tell you? I applied for colleges abroad. This just isn’t the best environment for research.”

“Then I’ll visit you.”

“And if I find someone there?”

“Then I’ll be the cool uncle to your kids, if you ever have them.”

***

He didn’t have to think about it over the months. Or maybe he just chose not to think about it.

Work, responsibilities and life as a whole never gave him any breaks to think so much as the far future.

What was the point of thinking about a future when he wasn’t working on it? So Levi worked his part time job, he studied and he prepared for his own entrance exams. Even when entrance exams ended, Levi was at least able to focus on the hell weeks before graduation.

He didn’t expect at all to have to think about it again, in a coffee shop of all places after one of his own shifts. He was in the middle of organizing the tea bags at the front of the shop when the reminder presented itself.

The reminder of such musings came as a clang of wind chimes, some huffing and puffing and some rhythmically unhinged footsteps. Hange appeared out of the corner and into the empty cafe, letter in hand.

Her cheeks were flushed and Levi had to note that she was wearing too little layers.

Levi glanced at the clock. “Did you just run here from your house at nine in the evening?”

Hange nodded. “Yes, I did.” Her house wasn’t too far, a ten minute walk if they were taking a relaxing stroll. It was nine in the evening though and it didn’t look like Hange had even bothered to put on a coat. Excitement probably did those types of things to people. She waved the letter up in the air and her breaths were only getting quicker and more unpredictable.

As if she was struggling to speak. “Slow down,” Levi said.

He untied his apron, pulled it off and sat on one of the tables closest to the counter. He patted the table, just a simple gesture for her to sit. He could spare a few minutes, his shift was ending soon anyway and not many people would be entering a breakfast cafe an hour before closing.

Hange needed a few more minutes to gather herself but she at least had some courtesy to slip the letter in front of him. “Read.”

We are pleased to inform you…

Full scholarship. Research stipend.

“I passed!” Hange said. “I’m leaving this dingy town for college!”

Levi was happy. He was sure of it. Maybe he had spent just a little too much time thinking logistics that it hadn’t manifested so naturally as a smile. He had to force it. He had to widen his eyes and he had to nod his head to express any approval. But really Hange’s face then a mixture of surprise, joy, ecstasy had him excited too. It had him shaking.

But there were just some things he couldn't shake off even with the most natural movements. Hange seemed to notice. “It’s only a plane ride away.”

But to get to the plane, one would need to get through at least three local trains, then the airport express then the actual airport and just the idea of Hange standing behind the barriers of money, bureaucracy and time was overwhelming in itself. Since they were young, Hange had only ever been a few blocks away. That wasn’t something he would have wanted to tell her though. She might just think he was crazy. “You’re right… It isn’t too far.”

“Didn’t you apply too?”

“I wouldn’t be able to pay for the tuition but I tried for a scholarship. It’s a long shot but…”

“Well, I heard they consider grades, extracurriculars as well as part time jobs.”

Levi knew that. He had done the research way beforehand. But he averaged Bs and his own financial situation and the need for part time jobs meant he had little to no engagement with other extracurriculars.

Still, Levi found himself hoping. When the letter arrived, left on the counter by his mother. Levi was quick to open it, his heart was racing and maybe his fingers had faltered a bit as he ripped open the top of the envelope.

We regret to inform you…

At that moment, Levi almost regretted even applying for the scholarship. The school didn’t even consider him as a student.

“There are community colleges,” his mother had said.

Conditional Acceptance. Scholarship denied. He wasn’t the type to hide those things from Hange. And maybe Hange read the room, maybe it had her treading rough grounds, more than Levi would have liked.

Graduation loomed like a vulture ready to strike. The difference was he knew exactly when the vulture would strike. And sometimes it flew over them in moments where Levi could have sworn graduation was still a long time away.

Hange didn’t seem to notice. Or maybe she didn’t care. Hange though was something special. She prattled on about college plans, about her dormitory preparation and even about her thesis topics which were still five years away.

Then suddenly, she just stopped. Suddenly conversation topics shifted to studies, to research paper topics, to the most interesting customers Levi would run into at the tea shop.

Hange was still excited. Levi had known her long enough to figure it out. When Hange wasn’t holding anything, she was twiddling her thumbs. When she was watching her words, she tended to speak slower, she tended to stutter and she tended to pick the most professional words that most high school students wouldn’t even consider vernacular.

Levi brought it up again over team, a few months after the rejection letter, a few weeks after he noticed that subtle change in her demeanor. “Hange, how are your plans for college? You’re gonna have to leave in a month right?” Hange was leaving a few weeks after graduation, to give herself time to adjust to the new city.

Hange’s mouth dropped open. “I mean, yes… I will be leaving in a month.” She had been in the middle of mentioning words like ‘diction,’ and ‘sovereign’ when describing her writing style for her final paper and it looked like she was still trying to adjust.

Maybe Levi had introduced the topic a little too suddenly. It was too late to go back though. “So, we have a week or two after graduation right?”

“In between packing… Yes,” Hange said with a shrug. How Hange had mellowed into something hesitant, almost lifeless had been a mystery to Levi. For only that split second though. Hange cleared her throat. “How do you feel about it?”

It turned out, there had always been an elephant in the room. And it bared its fangs then, hidden right under the trunk. The air turned heavy, making it almost difficult to breathe.

He was the only one though capable of finding his own breath again. “What can I say? I didn’t pass.” Levi dropped his shoulders and let out a weak sigh, not loud enough to make himself seem pathetic. Rejection letters had already left him feeling pathetic for months.

Hange responded with a wry smile. “I’m sorry about that. I should have realized earlier. I should have been more sensitive.” She was kind. She was empathetic. She was always striving to be better. And she always had been.

At that moment, in the cafe, tapping her fingers on the porcelain cup, Levi saw it. She was a kettle, a pot ready to burst, only covered by a stubbornly heavy lid.

A lid she had put just for him. That was the moment Levi realized, he might just be pulling her back.

***

There was another elephant in the room. An elephant that followed with heavy steps that shook the whole room.

At least to Levi it seemed that way.

Uncertainty was a very heavy thing. When he could barely see what would be at the end of the tunnel---the end being the day Hange lugs a lifetime worth of belongings and takes a train to the airport--- Levi felt the pressure of his whole life in front of him crammed into the next two weeks.

A day after graduating, when the countdown just became a little too clearer, Hange wasn’t next to him and he had to make do. A day-long trip to the capital to get some student visa shit sorted out.

She wouldn’t have called it ‘student visa shit,’ she had said something nicer definitely, something that embodied her life long dreams of a living outside of their ‘dingy old town.’ That ‘student visa thing’ had Levi uncertain, twiddling his thumbs like she did many times before, the student visa thing had him feeling like ‘shit.’

So he called it ‘shit,’ and he enjoyed the bitter venom in his mouth, the sweet release and the comfortable exhale that followed.

“Sounds hectic,” Farlan said. He hadn’t been looking at Levi’s way the entire time, too busy aiming for a headshot at the screen.

It was hectic. But it wasn’t shit to Levi for that reason.

“I guess that’s one good thing about getting into community college.”

“Yeah, it does sound hectic.” Levi had been secretive about applying. He let the subtle fact that he had applied to similar colleges to Hange simmer in the room, ebb at the guilt inside him. He wasn’t telling anyone about community college being a fall back. That was a secret he’d keep to his heart, only known by his mother, his uncle and Hange. Fortunately, Hange never brought it up. “That’s why I didn’t wanna bother her today.”

“She’s busy.”

“When you get into a really good college I guess...” The silence was heavy again. The elephant in the room plopped down right next to him and their conversation wasn’t making too much sense and as Levi quickly analyzed the shooting game in front of him, he understood why Farlan wouldn’t have the headspace for some slight drama.

So Levi sat quietly, politely ignoring the tension, instead focusing on bending forward while cross legged, letting his back stretch behind him. Stretching his aching muscles, undoing knots, allowed some lightness to settle, taking the space of whatever heaviness there had been a second ago.

The game ended soon after with a taut swear from Farlan. Then a question Levi hadn’t been ready for. “Are you gonna tell her?”

Levi almost spat out his response. “Tell her what?”

Farlan put the controller down. “It’s your last chance right? Once she leaves for the city, she’ll find new people… And she’s not ugly you know. A lot of people--- men and women---will go after her. ”

She was frumpy, plain especially right after a shower. Worry and stress would line her face right after a long night. Levi had to admit though that she was far from ugly. Her notably bright personality, her intelligence that ‘came once every decade’ according to the many conversations he had heard among teachers were painful reminders, the impending goodbye was just turning out to be more and more terrifying.

“I know that.” Levi couldn’t bring himself to say anymore, not about his feelings, not about the marriage pact. Articulating what he was thinking would only serve to make it more real.

“How you feel about her leaving?”

“Well, of course I’m sad about it, she’s my best friend.”

“Yeah, but don’t you wanna lock it… If you know what I mean,” Farlan said slowly, as if he were talking to someone either oblivious or someone below the age of five.

Levi was neither five nor oblivious. Still, obliviousness was a convenient trait. “Lock what?”

Farlan let out a mix between a sigh and a laugh. “Never mind.” He clicked ‘start a new game.’ The loading screen flashed in front of him and Farlan used as an opening to turn back. “It’s up to you but--- I know she means a lot to you and I just think if she means that much to you… you should take the risk.”

Levi decided on it a few minutes later but he saw no convenient opportunity to tell Farlan, the latter having been engrossed in a more challenging campaign since a while ago. So any attempt to articulate his decision died there.

And he had two weeks to come up with a final plan.

***

Less than 24 hours ago, Levi was determined to tell Hange. His confidence was a littles stronger than usual. He was no writer but he had a script. He was no actor but he had allowed himself time in front of the mirror to balance his tones, to time his rests.

It was stupid. He had known Hange for years but circumstances, and maybe Levi’s own fastidious personality, had him realizing confessions were a nuanced thing. Emphasizing the wrong words could have Hange getting the wrong message.

And when he didn’t even know whether he wanted her to leave or stay, he wasn’t even sure what the right message was.

He had dedicated at least three hours to the whole preparation process when a speed bump appeared.

In the form of a shopping trip with his mother and the young daughter of the family friend. Isabel was only a few years younger, but her innocence, her blind optimism at the state of the world and the fate of relationships was closer to that of a five year old.

Having spent the past few hours dealing with his own skeletons, Levi was a little envious, particularly when she had walked ahead “ooh”-ing and “aah”ing at everyday things. The streets have always been cobblestoned. Although the trinkets at the front of the shops, although the food sold at the streetcars varied by season, the big picture always seemed the same to Levi.

If he walked until the end of the main street, he would find the town church. If he walked along the alleys, he would find a few pubs that opened too late in the day and too early in the evening. And if he kept walking until the end of the alleys, he would find greens. And lots and lots of mountains.

It is a dingy little town. Those were Hange’s words. But it’s our dingy little town. He hadn’t been to the center of town in so long and when all he could think about was Hange, he was noticing the smallest things. Everything Hange hated about the town.

“Levi, let’s check out the pet shop!”

Kuchel had been busy looking at the spices displayed at the front of one of the shops and Isabel was starting to get a little restless.

“I’ll take her,” Levi said.

Kuchel nodded, still occupied with spices. “Sure I’ll meet you there.”

It was a weekday, the beginning of summer yet the heat was enough to have Levi a little uncomfortable in a shirt with sleeves past his elbows. It was the crowd he had to navigate through definitely. Humans were warm creatures and the crowds trapped the warmth, the sun above only contributed its share of warmth.

Warmth and warmth mixed together became unbearably hot and under it all, Levi was uncomfortable, he was finding a distraction. And he was still thinking of Hange.

“Look, it’s a canary.” Isabel was supposed to have been a distraction. When Levi looked back to stare at it, he felt it, Hange was still a nagging thought in the back of his mind. And inadvertently, he was projecting her into anything remotely Hange.

“Can we buy it, Levi?”

His mind wasn’t in the conversation. He was focused just a little too much on the yellow bird, clamoring the sides of the cage, only grasping by the thinner metal bars. “You wanna buy the canary?” Levi asked.

“I read in a book. Canaries are high energy birds and they can’t be kept inside the cage. They said it’s not healthy."

"Not healthy?"

"I wanna set it free.”

Isabel was tugging at him but Levi was frozen in place. He had pulled out from the crowds and he was in a better position definitely. One discomfort had been replaced with another though.

The crowds came and left, soon replaced by thoughts of Hange once again. That had Levi stiffening up.

“Levi, let’s check the store!”

The poor poor canary.

“I wanna buy the canary!”

Kuchel wouldn’t allow it. Isabel’s parents wouldn’t allow it. Did they even have the money for it? They barely even made ends meet.

Levi was certain never before had he even given caged animals more than one glance but the canary had taken up more space in his mind, more than he was willing to have given from the start.

He stared longer. He stared deeper into those eyes. Then he figured it out, there was one bright eyed, high energy bird much closer to him. Before the thoughts could form into something else, Levi attempted to look away, surveying his surroundings instead.

The bright sweltering sun only served to magnify the black, rotting among the corners in the alleys and the houses. If he focused on the outdated grills and the peeling paint, he noticed it.. Hange was right, the small town was dingy.

When he looked beyond it, squinting just a little bit, he saw more. Just past the buildings and the alleys though were trees, greens, there were mountains. The next town was a good long train ride away. The next city was a much longer train ride away. The raw sensation of rejection letter on hand only served to build the bars for him.

The small town was a dingy cage. And two weeks later, he saw it in her. The bright yellow. The talons that clambered up, foraging for some opening in the cage.

And he saw it clearly completely at the gate to immigration, just a few minutes after check in.

Hange wasn’t crying. Hange didn’t curl her lips down into a grimace. In fact, everything was the other way around. It was as if she wasn’t leaving him and he wasn’t leaving her.

Levi spoke up. “Send a message before you take off.”

“Will do,” Hange replied.

“And when you arrive there,” Levi added.

“You know I will,” Hange said calmly. A big smile played at her lips. “You’ll visit right?”

“I’ll save up for it.” Levi had done the calculations. One year of saving, one year of cutting down on any luxuries and he could afford the plane ticket at least.

The train ticket. Then the plane ticket. The whole journey there. The weight of the effort seemed surreal and it would only become a reality when he lets her go, through the immigration doors.

Only passengers beyond this point. Levi stared at the sign for a little longer. Once Hange crossed that, the next time he would see her would be after he paid the ridiculous ticket prices, put in the long painstaking hours on the plane

“Hey, I’ll make sure to call, maybe every day, maybe once a week. Depending on how busy we both get,” Hange said gently.

Levi wondered what face he was making to receive such comforts. Hange’s voice wasn’t gentle by nature. She had only summoned it herself through careful thought, through some sustained effort for sure.

And he became more aware of the prickle at the back of his eyes and the inclination to just stand there for as long as he could. Maybe in another world that would have been enough to freeze time.

Then, suddenly he felt guilty for even hoping for some power over time. Hange had been calm, maybe wistful but she was also excited. “I might miss my flight if we stay here any longer.” Her tone was lighter than a while ago. She could have been making a joke.

Levi at least tried to adopt the same demeanor. HIs mind though had been elsewhere. Maybe he had managed a smile, a nod.

Hange turned her back slowly. With one wave of her hand, she went between the gates. She was still waving, past on the other side of the glass. She wasn’t looking at him anymore though.

Acceptance dawned on him more quickly than he expected. Maybe because Hange wasn’t just Hange anymore. Seeing her had been some catalyst to a quick recall.

To the canary long ago, stuck in the cage. The canary who had climbed to the top, in pursuit of some way out of that dingy metal cage.

Before Hange turned the corner towards the gates, she had looked at him one more time. Levi ran towards the glass wall, phone in hand. He held it in front of him and mouthed one word. “Text.”

Hange put one hand on the glass and nodded. She said something else, something he couldn’t tell. But it had fogged the glass just in front of them.

Dingy metal cage. Glass barriers. Two different materials but they did the same thing. They separated people. They kept some in. They kept others out.

Then Levi thought back to the cage, back to the canary and he thought back to the lock that blended too well to the cage. The canary would never have learned to open it alone.

Hange's own education. Her own wit had gotten her out of the cage.

And who was he to stop her? Hange had found the key. She had unlocked it herself.

“I love you. I wish you’d stay.” Would he have been able to call her back in with just one a few words? He said it as a whisper, enough to fog his side of the glass and the haze blended with hers.

By the time he said it the second time, then the third time, enough to cover Hange’s own fog, she had turned back already. She turned the corner, then towards the gate number.

Gate 23. Levi had been fixated enough to memorize the flight number and the gate number.

He stared for a few seconds longer, watching as the fog on the other side disappeared into nothing, leaving scratches and almost invisible specks of dust. For a second longer, he wondered if that had been anything Hange left behind.

He watched his own fog waste into nothing. He thought back to the dingy small town, then back to the dingy cage. Hange was just one canary who flew off.

And Levi was the one left behind in the cage. So he kept the lock in place. He held onto the key. Just in case, she decided to come back.

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

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vale-studies-ir · 4 years ago

Text

Hello lovely people!

It seems that life made me take a leave of absence from tumblr. Thanks to all of you who have continued to interact with my page! I'm sorry if I've missed any messages or questions in the time that I've been away. I'm back now and I'll continue to share my journey with you all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In order to be able to keep moving forward, I think it's important to accept the past and move on. Accept any of the difficulties that happened, and see them as moments you've gone through that have made you stronger. My way of accepting and turning over a new page will be through this post.

I haven't shared too much information about my studies and how they've been going. My studyblr was very new, and I was using it more as a means for motivation by seeing all the wonderful things people in the community were doing. Little by little, I started to make posts of my own.

So let me formally introduce myself and share my ongoing journey...

My name is Valentina, I go by Vale for short. I jumped from graduating from my BA in International Relations and Political Science in the Spring of 2018 to starting my PhD studies in International Relations the Fall semester of that same year. No break, very smart... I know. That's only just the beginning. I'm not sure how it works abroad, but here doctoral students usually go through most of their studies being funded by a graduate assistantship. This pays tuition and provides a stipend through working as a TA (graduate teaching assistant). Of course they vary across universities and departments. When I was applying to the PhD program, one of my professors advised me not to accept if I was not given funding. There are only a limited number of spots that are given to incoming students each year that will be accepted as a TA.

In March of 2018 I received notification that I was accepted into the PhD program in International Relations at my university, however, the department could not guarantee funding for me. This put me at a loss, and I spend months wondering where this was going and what I would do. Because I'm an immigrant in the US, though I've been living here practically my whole life, I didn't have too many options. My mobility is constrained.. my access to scholarships is constrained (even though I may qualify for them in terms of academics and merit, migration status trumps over all of it). I was lost, to say the least. My family can't afford to have paid for this program or a Master's program out of pocket, and I am not able to take out student loans even if I wanted to.

Regardless of this all, I still attended the incoming graduate student orientation; which surprised the outgoing graduate program director. She did not think I would show up, considering the whole funding predicament. She and the new GPD told me that they would try to find something for me. On the first day of class, I showed up, still not knowing what would become of this situation. Not knowing if I would actually get to start the semester or not. We are usually given a week to pay tuition - because of status, I am considered an international student so my tuition came out to nearly $10,000 for three courses. That day, out of nowhere, I was told that the dean of our school (School of International and Public Affairs) was looking for a graduate assistant for new projects that he wanted to work on. In the span of a few hours, I ended up interviewing with him, being told that they would let me know because there was another student they were considering, and later being called and told that I got the position. I was ecstatic. I called my parents in tears. This was actually happening; I was actually going to be able to start my PhD.

It all happened so fast. It all seemed so exciting. The dean seemed very enthusiastic and pleased that I would be working with him. Things eventually took a turn for the worst...

Transitioning into graduate school itself is extremely difficult. Many graduate students find themselves experiencing heightened stress and strain on their mental health. I did not give myself the space to transition into graduate school without the added stress of being a doctoral student, without the added expectations. On top of that, the dean had not had a graduate assistant before. This was new for him too. The expectations of me were blurred and my contract would only last for a year to be considered for possible renewal (the typical TA contract in my original department lasts 4 years), this led to disaster. I needed this position to continue to fund my studies, so I needed to make sure that I was on top of my work expectations. Because these expectations were unclear, the dean's secretary took advantage. It seems they were short staffed, and I was given administrative tasks that did not belong to me. I was made to come in to the office for strictly 20 hours a week. (Our contract states that we work up to 20 hours a week). If I was ever sick and missed a day, that would be added onto the hours for the next week. So if I missed a day where I was supposed to be in the office for 5 hours, I'd have to be there for 25 hours the following week. A breach in the contract, I know - but who was I, a lowly student, against the dean? This office (a shared space) was not a place where a person could focus on studying. There were students coming in and out, loud conversations occurring, and having to see if the actual student employee in charge of taking phone calls was at their desk - if not, I would have to man the phone. While I was doing administrative tasks for the dean's secretary, the dean was having me create themed presentations and CO-LECTURE with him. Me, a person who had been an undergraduate student only months earlier. I had to create these presentations from scratch and know all of the material. All of my focus had to be on this. My performance in my own classes and mental health declined quickly. I could not focus, I could not get my reading assignments done, I felt unprepared. I felt like a failure.

After a year, I realized that it was not worth to have my tuition paid for if I could not focus on my classes and was set up for failure. It took a lot, but ultimately I turned down the contract renewal. Here comes the fun part. My GPA dropped tremendously. I graduated Magna Cume Laude just a year before. I developed depression and didn't realize it; to the point where a friend practically made me go to counseling. The office manager at my actual department knew what I was going through. I had shared a lot of my experience with her. She advocated for me. Because of this, I was told that there was a student who had been awarded an assistantship for the incoming Fall 2019 semester, but had decided not to take it. The contract was going to be made for me instead, for not 4 but for 5 years since I had only come in with a BA degree. When they ran it through the associate dean's office... it was denied. My GPA was lower than the threshold. A LOT lower. I was told by the GPD - the same woman who had just started her position that said she would help me, the woman that had gone on maternity leave during that whole year after she started meaning she was not aware of the situation - that I should really take my studies more seriously. She received a very long email from me and apologized afterwards, to say the least. Nothing could be done.

I had no funding, only savings and ended up working Full Time in Fall of 2019 in order to try to pay for 1 course, that costed me a little over $3,000. Somehow, even though I strongly considered it, I managed not to drop out. By this time, the majority of the courses I had taken before had INs - incomplete grades. Two of them had automatically turned into Fs. Things were not okay.

I got a bit of a mental break during that Fall semester. I worked in a friendly environment. The office manager pulled some strings and let me work as an office assistant there... so I was still at my department, but working as staff. It was a little awkward. I'm eternally grateful to her, she became a close friend. And because of her, someone at another department got word that there was a graduate student who needed funding.

This office manager was good friends with a recently graduated phd student from our department who is now working for a different center in the university. Because she was part of my department, many of my current colleagues know her, and are good friends with her. We spoke, I rushed to get my GPA up to the 3.0 threshold and with the help of my professor's I was able to be awarded an assistantship with that center. I started in December of 2019.

Again, I was ecstatic. Things were looking up. When I went in for the first time, I immediately felt a huge difference. It was a smaller, more homey place; and a lovely environment to be in. The people there were sweet and caring. I've gotten along with the few professors I've had the chance of meeting and working with.

Where did it start going downhill? The professor that recommended me (graduate from my home department) continuously requested that I work with her. Her reason being that I got along better with her (something that I was not aware of). Because she considered herself as my friend, professional lines were horribly blurred. I found myself doing additional work for her as a "favor for a friend." She then started having us meet multiple times a week for hours - distracting from the time I needed to actually get work done. This center does not cap classes - I've had to grade for up to 400 students in one semester. The meetings she scheduled were incredibly unproductive, and I found myself having to take extra time to get the grading done. Again, my own studies were effected. The past academic year went on like this. I ended up assisting in creating a new course and new assignments from scratch.

Later I noticed that something was wrong. I was doing way more work than stipulated by my contract. She was giving me access to her courses that I was not assigned to grade for. Instead of assisting for one course in the semester (the one with the highest enrollment), I was assisting for three. This was constantly under the guise of 'friendship'. How was I supposed to reject my 'friend'? When I tried to draw professional boundaries, I was met with resistance.

My mental health declined again in the fall and I missed a few of her scheduled meetings (meetings which she said were NOT mandatory). Because of this, she decided to throw me under the bus with the director and making it seem as if I was not actually working - when I was addressing students' needs and getting grades in. This worsened in the Spring. With the help of my counselor I finally got the courage to communicate with her. Albeit through text, because she's the type of person that does not allow you to get a word in during conversation.

"On that note, there’s something I’ve wanted to talk about. I’ve been struggling with concentration and fatigue. This is something that I’ve been working on with my doctor to try to find solutions. I’ve noticed that being in Zoom meetings in general where there’s casual conversation makes it exceptionally difficult for me to focus on what I’m trying to get done. This has been problematic in the work zoom meetings. You probably have noticed I seem really quiet, that is because I’m trying my hardest to focus.

I need to be able to focus during the time I’m assigned to work as a GA. Otherwise, I must take more time to complete tasks that normally wouldn’t take up that long or just wait until the weekends to finish them. That is conflicting as I have set that time to work on class assignments and my own projects. So in the end I end up falling behind and not working well because my productivity levels are being affected."

She seemed to understand me and be supportive. Then I noticed coldness, and condescending passive aggressive texts from her part.

I realized that I could not do this any longer. I could not allow myself to continuously be taken advantage of. Both of the people I've worked for were aware of my vulnerable situation due to migration status. They both knew that it was not easy for me to pay for my studies through any other means. My studies depended on these people, and if they 'liked' me. They abused and absorbed my time to the extent that my studies suffered tremendously.

But I finally stood up for myself. I spoke with the director and she affirmed that my concerns were valid. Time and time again she assured me that my studies should always come first. She supported me. I will no longer be assigned to work with this person.

I finally feel heard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been 3 years since I started my program. A lot has happened in this time. I have a lot of catching up to do this summer if I want to stay on track and take my comprehensive exams by the end of the year. But someone finally heard me, acknowledged the wrongdoings and helped me.

Don't let people walk over you and take advantage of you. I'm learning this the hard way.

Speak your truth.

#my story #my phd story #experiences #struggles #growth #don't give up #don't silence yourself #share your story #speak your truth #long post #studyblr #phdblr #phd studyblr #phd student #gradblr #grad student #stand up for yourself #keep moving forward

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doctor-keaton · 3 years ago

Photo

(Additional about here)

Name: Mark Keaton

Age / D.O.B.: March 30, 1993 (28)

Gender, Pronouns & Sexuality: Cis Male, He/Him/His, Bisexual

Hometown: NYC - Brooklyn

Affiliation: Civilian

Job position: Doctor (General Surgeon Resident)

Education: B.S in Biochemistry from NYU, Dual MD and MPH in Global Health from NYU

Relationship status: Single

Children: N/A

Positive traits: Caring, Quick-Thinking, Charismatic, Empathetic, Adventurous

Negative traits: Reckless, Arrogant, Impulsive, Thrill-Seeking, Anxious

Biography:

Having a sister was cool for about a month before Mark started questioning how long she was staying and when she was going back to the hospital. It took a while to accept that he wasn’t going to be the only child anymore and even longer to start liking her. But pretty soon they were inseparable. In Mark’s eyes, he had the perfect family. Until Aaron and Corinne broke the news that they were getting a divorce.

There was no secret whose fault it was that the marriage had failed. Mark was only eleven at the time, but he was smart enough to read between his parents carefully worded lines. His mom was leaving because of his dad. The same dad that had spent so much time career building that he barely had time to be there for his kids. It was a trait that Mark had always admired in him, until he saw the damage it did on his family. After that though, Aaron tried his best to be there for the kids. He spent more time with them, let them get away with anything and almost always said yes. Mark was still unhappy, but he could take advantage of the freedom he now had.

As it turned out, for all that Mark had in common with his family (stubborn, intelligent and aspirational), Mark had also ended up being the black sheep of his family. They valued rules and structure and poise. Mark had never cared much for the rules, and hated structure even more. There was no fun in that, and Mark was all about having some fun.

Despite this, Mark still loved his family. They were the reason he only applied to local schools for college, and the reason he stayed local in medical school. Sure, he took time to travel the world, studying abroad and learning as much as he could wherever he went. But at the end of the day, he always knew where his home was.

Now, fresh out of medical school and starting his residency, Mark is living up to those expectations that his mom and dad had set all those years ago. But he’s doing it for himself, and he wasn’t going to let them run his entire life either.

Wanted Connections/Plot:

Medical - Probably the easiest plot openings would be the need for a doctor. Mark works at the hospital completing his residency so that opens up a lot of potential connections. An injury brings your character to the hospital, maybe out in public your character gets injured while Mark is coincidentally around. If the characters become closer, maybe Mark makes some house visits for some DL treatment.

Friends - Mark is a social person by nature and loves staying busy. He definitely needs some friends around town.

Romance - Mark has never been in a serious relationship or done much dating in general, always too focused on schooling. In a lot of ways, Mark is still figuring out exactly who/what he is into and what he’s looking for. It would be interesting to explore that.

Coworkers - Definitely needs some fellow hospital friends! He is a friendly guy, so maybe they’re friends? He also has a habit of bending the rules a bit, so maybe some people don’t like him.

Gang?? - Despite his father being adamantly anti-gang, the same does not go for Mark. Though he is not particularly supportive of any groups in particular, he holds no hatred for any members and I could definitely see him ending up involved on the side (perhaps as a doctor if needed?).

Misc. - I am pretty open to any plotting and would love to write with anyone! Please feel free to ping me on discord/message me with any ideas :)

#wb.intro #about #bio

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cutsandstears · 3 years ago

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My story (trigger warning)

I am 20 years old. I lived in a mental abusive family. I guess my father meant good but he is the reason i have traumas. I was not allowed to eat at home every time i gained weight. I got really toxic relationship with food. I felt guilty for everything i ate. I got really depressed because my low self esteem and i started to harm myself by cutting etc. I tried to commit suicide first time when i was fifteen. I went to therapy without telling my parents because they thought i was fine. I had a boyfriend back then who realized my vulnerability and used against to me. He said I am beautiful to him only in a sexual way. He raped me multiple times. I usually said i didn’t want to have sex but he kept going. I eventually broke up with him when he drugged me and raped me. I was fifteen.. a child. I tried to kill myself again after that and eventually went back to therapy, where my therapist didn’t believe my stories.

I went to high school and for a while everything was great. I had friends and I felt like the ghosts of my past had gone away. I used to party a lot. Drinking became a normal part of my everyday life and i started to get depressed again. I didn’t eat and i lost a lot of weight. Throughout my high school time I was just drunk all the time. I started a self harm again and relationship between and my father got worse and worse. Eventually I moved abroad. My life in a new country was the best time of my life. I was happy for the first time in my life.

I moved back to my home country to apply to university. First year I didn’t get in and I moved to a dorm with young people at my age. I was not depressed anymore, more bitter and angry. I kept drinking as a daily basics. I got myself in a lot of troubles. I had a fair with taken guy and i was ready to die again. I felt like I had no future. At the spring I found out I couldn’t stay at the dorm and I needed to find a new place to live. I had no home and no plans. I found a cheap apartment near to my home city and I moved there. I got a job and for a while everything was fine again. At work I met a really nice guy. We eventually started dating. We moved together pretty soon. Day by day he started to drink more and more. He had no job and I paid our living all by myself. He started to get more aggressive by drinking. I got a studying place at a university and we started to think about moving to the city where the university occupied. We went to see the apartment and it was just perfect. On the way home he just flipped. I didn’t know what happened. He was just yelling and throwing things all over. He blamed me for everything. He said I must be pregnant because no woman could gain that much weight I had gained. He claimed that he is not the father and i have cheated him.

Back at home I got him to get quiet by taking a pregnancy test at home. He still believed i had cheated him and kept yelling at me. I got so pissed of at this point i threw him out of the apartment. He slept the night at his friends’ place. In the morning he came back and he was very drunk. We hang out for a while until he just went crazy. He started to threw things at the apartment. He saw and heard things that didn’t exist. He was terrified. I called the ambulance and they took him to the mental hospital leaving me alone in the apartment. Later I heard he had gone to psychosis.

I moved to the new apartment alone and broke up with him. I started my studies and kept drinking all the time. Few months later he send me a message in the middle of the night. He was behind my door. Without saying, he had just came in the middle of the night behind my door. I slept at my friends’ that night. He kept harassing me for a while but now i haven’t heard of him. My life here is going better every day. I’m still depressed and i have a lot of anxiety. I drink a lot and i still do not eat but this is a progress i need to go trough.

If you read this trough, thank you.

#menthalhealth #lifestory #triggering stuff #harassment #depression #anxiety #eating problems #eating disorder #recovery #life #schizofrenia

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samwritesforyou · 4 years ago

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For me

fandom: yuri on ice!!!

pairing: viktor x yuuri

word count: 6.4k

genres: established relationship, hurt/comfort, fluff

description: our favourite couple for the first time since s1 makes it both to the tournament, both as ice skaters this time. yuuri is sent to rostelekom cup, whereas viktor was selected to skate on the china cup. how will they sort out their separation and what will happen on the grand prix? will they finally debut as lovers-opponents on ice?

“What?!” Yuri exclaimed, his eyes flushing open even more violently than they were before, his gaze shooting from Viktor and back at the tv in the living room.

“Well, you heard it, I got selected to participate in China Cup and you in Rostelekom Cup, Yuuri,” his husband shrugged with a light smile, leaning in for another kiss as they were laying both on the sofa, cuddling under the same blanket.

“Nononono, how can you be so calm about this?!” Yuuri pulled away from him, intensely continuing in watching ice-skating news.

“We still have Grand Prix to attend together, I doubt either of us won’t make it there, dumpling,” he mused, at least brushing his lover’s cheek with his fingers.

“Are you going away from each other for at least a week then?!” yelled Yuuri’s ballet teacher from the armchair behind them, quickly hopping to their side.

“I don’t know! Apparently!” yelped dark haired guy, now being violently shaken by Minako.

If you didn’t know, currently the worldwide famous couple Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov were on a short holiday from all the training and skating, residing at Katsuki family house, just enjoying their time together.

Because both of them were often abroad, they left Makkachin here, since Yuuri’s family takes an excellent care of him and a happy doggo has a lot of space to run around the place.

So now he was loved by these two over the moon, being kissed and patted all the time.

Ever since they returned they were always surrounded by Katsuki family, the only time when they were truly alone was when they got out of the house and went for a walk in nature or at night in their shared room.

It might seem like a lot, but they were doing just fine, everything was perfect.

Viktor was talking about “debuting” together both as ice-skaters at the tournament for the first time and Yuuri got fired up by the idea as well.

They foolishly believed that they would be able to do it even before Grand Prix.

But destiny has its own way and now they’ll have to wait.

So that’s why the younger man was so emotional about the news, while Viktor was just sure that their “debut” together will happen a bit later than they anticipated.

He was calm, when Yuuri was worried, he was angry when his partner was reassuring. They were really the perfect couple.

Soon enough it was time to part as they arrived at the airport.

“Babe, why did you go with me this early?” Viktor smiled tenderly at his partner, placing a light peck on his cheek, “Are you forgetting that I’m the one who’s accustomed to flights and not you?” he kept smiling sweetly, looking at his husband, eyes filled with love and affection.

Yuuri was hardly listening to any of the things that were being said to him, his eyelids basically glued together, blue-ish bags under them - clearly all this rolling around in bed wasn’t because he was dreaming about something, he simply wasn’t sleeping.

Viktor’s flight was at 4am, yet he looked like he was just freshly out of the spa salon, hair on fleek, light make-up made, outfit styled.

Yuuri’s flight was, on the contrary, at 9am, so he could easily still be sleeping in their cosy bed, but he really wanted to be with his love as long as he could.

“You’re adorable,” Nikiforov said, chuckling to himself and then hugged him tightly, only then letting his guard down and actually biting his lower lip, eyes filling with sadness, “I’m going to miss you, Yuuri,” he sighed near his ear.

The man in his arms got a bit more wide awake by that, clutching his coat and trying to get closer to him, even though their bodies were already pressed firmly together.

“Viktor.. best of luck. I love you so much,” he said quietly, breathing his familiar scent while being snuggled in the crook of his neck, eyes closed.

“I love you too, baby,” he answered and pulled away, encouraging smile already plastered on his face.

He wants to give all the strength to his husband so he doesn’t have to worry about him.

“You need to go already, come on..” Yuuri nodded at him, shooing him away, trying to fight tears.

It’s just a week, come on!.. he thought to himself, wobbly smile threatening to fall any second.

“Okay, okay. See you very soon,” he leaned in for the quick kiss and then pulled away, dragging his silver coloured luggage by the handle, waving and sending air-kisses, not letting their eye-contact fall until the very end.

Yuuri felt tears rolling down his cheeks and he let himself have this little cry in the middle of the airport at 4am, after a while just waddling towards the closest chair and collapsing there, falling asleep.

Both of the parties made it safely to their destinations, settling into hotels and making themselves comfortable.

As soon as Viktor was free, Yuuri felt his phone ring and immediately jumped to it from his bed, hitting answer with a camera.

“My love, how did Saint Petersburg welcome you?” Viktor asked excitedly, for some reason with a glass of champagne in his skinny hands.

The man on the other end was instantly reminded of the memory of numerous insisting taxi drivers offering him a ride to wherever he needed for a cheap price, then some older women bickering in the public transport, but most importantly one little girl that recognised him as a “famous ice skater who married our Vitya Nikiforov” and wanted to take a picture with him. To which he obliged happily, even though he was tired from the road.

“Wonderfully,” he answered with a warm smile, looking at his phone screen, wishing the man he’s seeing was right next to him right now.

“Amazing to hear that,” he sipped on the bubbly liquid and smiled, even though his eyes were clearly indicating how much he’s battling sadness.

“Viktor?..” Yuuri started, kinda nervous. He wasn’t the confrontational type, really.

But he felt like his other half was trying to put on a brave face just so he doesn’t have to worry, but Katsuki did feel all his sadness even miles away.

At that, Viktor’s blue eyes shifted to look at him directly.

“Look.. I’m sad that we can’t be together right now, especially during the tournament time,” Japanese said, rubbing his hands in front of himself, “but I feel like you’re trying to act that it doesn’t bother you that much, maybe.. for me not to worry about you?”

Nikiforov’s thin brows knitted together, glass being slowly put aside.

“But you don’t have to do that. We can be.. I don’t know, sad together? I still see your longing in the eyes, you can’t really hide that,” he concluded softly, smiling almost apologetically, that he had to make this into such a big deal.

It looked as if some weight was literally lifted from Viktor’s shoulders, as he just plumped himself onto the couch he’s been sitting on, phone firmly in hand, placed above his face.

Suddenly his brows started to go up and Yuuri saw first tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I just miss you,” he said quietly, wiping them off with the free hand.

“I miss you too,” Yuuri said, his own eyes watering as he laughed a bit at how ridiculous they were being.

It was less than a day without each other.

“You know what, Yuuri Katsuki,” said Viktor, laughing already as well, but not being able to stop crying just yet, “being in a relationship with you is the most wild thing that ever happened to me,” he finished, shaking his head with a wide smile on his face.

“I know right?” his partner answered, filling the audio with laughter.

When Yuuri’s phone rang, the whole room was still dark, the sun didn’t even think of getting up, so why the hell should he?..

It kept ringing, sending a lovely melody through the space.

Caller was a stubborn one, that’s for sure. And ice-skater was almost entirely sure of who that might be.

“Good morning, my not so early bird!” literally sang into the device Viktor, mood thousand times better than what Yuuri was experiencing in the current moment.

“Not so early?.. Did you forget about the timezones, because here it’s 6am!” Katsuki sighed in disbelief, making himself sit on the bed, rubbing his tired eyes.

“Oh.. that’s true! I completely forgot,” Viktor laughed, which made Yuuri involuntarily melt into the warm smile, despite his half-awake state.

“I was just wondering, Yuurochka, do you want me to guide you through St. Petersburg? Because our choreographies are well learned and I believe you can sometimes go into that lovely city!” Viktor smiled at the camera, blue eyes flicking from one side to another.

What was he looking at?..

“Uhh.. yeah, sure! Sad that we can’t be here together, but even through the phone it’ll be nice, I think,” Yuuri smiled sleepily, putting his phone on the stand on the bedside table and opened his luggage where he packed just some clothes, charger, earphones, costumes for the performance and figure skates.

They often did this with his husband, just video call together and each of them doing their own thing, kind of a simulation of their normal life when they’re next to each other in flesh.

“Darling?” black haired boy looked up at the camera, in hands with his picked outfit for the day - grey sweater and dark denim jeans.

When Viktor saw that he has his lover’s attention, he smiled sweetly, “I noticed you have two zits on your face, so apply some cream on it, will you?”

Yuuri blinked a few times comically and then yelped, running to the bathroom to see for himself. And he was right.

No, wait. He wasn’t.

Japanese skater had three zits, it’s just that Viktor probably couldn’t see the other one due to the camera quality.

“Thank god,” Katsuki sighed and then returned in front of his phone.

“I will,” he said and started doing it right away, pushing out some white cream out of the tube that his husband specifically bought him. Probably something expensive, as most things from him were.

Then he didn’t really give this any thought, but he started undressing right in front of his phone as well, putting glasses aside, stripping off the white tee and then pulling over his head some black shirt and then grey sweater.

Once he was also done with the bottom half of his body he heard a whistle from the other end of the line.

His hazel eyes immediately shot up to the screen where Viktor was watching him intensely, smug grin on his face.

“I was glad to witness your dressing up session, babe, such a shame I can’t be next to you right now,” he sighed theatrically loudly, putting slender hand to his forehead, making it seem as if he’s fainting from the longing.

Yuuri, on the other hand, was more and more turning violent crimson, mumbling something indecipherable and putting on his glasses, taking the phone in his hand so now ice skater Nikiforov could only see his husband’s flustered face.

“Shut up, Viktor, let’s head out,” he said, furrowing and making the man on the other end laugh heartily.

Then it was time for the handsome man with platinum hair to be surprised and blink comically.

“Uh... head out?” he asked, not really getting it.

“Well, it’s not gonna be fair if I’m the only one who’s going out to see your city when you’re sitting comfortably inside, is it?” now Yuuri was the owner of the mischievous smirk, looking at his partner with pleased face expression.

“Ah, you’re so smart sometimes, baby,” Viktor teased and then went to change his clothes as well, but as it turned out he didn’t have any clothes under his robe, so Yuuri had to quickly avert his gaze to prevent any undesired “excitement”.

After all, Viktor’s body was always such a treat, even thousand miles away.

“Aw, you weren’t looking?” said Russian in a pouty manner, when he turned back to face the camera.

“W-what?! Of course not, let’s go,” Yuuri mumbled, putting a scarf a bit higher to cover even bigger portion of his face.

He didn’t really experience winter in Russia yet, but he was prepared.

When Katsuki was out and about St. Petersburg’s streets, Viktor had absolutely no problem guiding him through all of the corners that he knew and that normal tourists don’t get to see, all of that while he himself was striding through completely unfamiliar Chinese neighbourhood, every once in a while being called by fans and had to stop to take a picture and give autographs.

Nobody noticed Yuuri outside, maybe it was because he wasn’t that popular yet, despite being Viktor’s husband, but most probably it was because his face was a literal mess.

His brownish scarf was covering half the face and his glasses were foggy most of the time because he kept breathing into the cloth and thus all the air was brought back onto the surface of his lenses.

Viktor made Yuuri go all the way to his most memorable café of all times and he also recommended him to order his favourite dessert there, leaving the beverage choice up to him.

Younger man of course trusted Viktor’s tastebuds and got himself a relatively small cupcake, decorated astonishingly with cream in form of leaves and a rose on top of that.

He bit right into it, tasting all the magical flavour of the dessert, making Viktor melt into a warm smile while watching him munch on it.

Nikiforov himself had to go into some Chinese café as well, to make it seem as a date, as if they’re really together. And it kinda worked, he was full of love for his partner, rarely thinking about how much he’d want to see him in real life instead of the phone screen.

As the days went on, both of them spend a lot of time training, sometimes even on the call when practicing, looking at each other’s progress and cheering one another.

Every once in a while their schedules met and they could go on a “virtual date” of sorts, Yuuri being navigated by his lover’s voice through the streets of St. Petersburg and Viktor finding himself some spot in the Chinese corners as well.

And on one of those walks Viktor led his husband to one of the prettiest parks, covered in snow, making Yuuri speechless from the beauty all around him.

“Hey, you!” he suddenly heard a voice that wasn’t coming from the phone, but rather somewhere behind him.

Japanese skater turned around and his eyes widened in light surprise as he saw a familiar figure in front of him.

“Baby? What’s up?” said Viktor from the device, being able to see now only Yuuri’s lower part of the face, because he put his phone instinctively closer to his body.

“Why aren’t you training, huh?” said younger lad, blonde hair covering half of his face.

There wasn’t a usual scowl planted on his features, rather just an arched brow in the question.

“I’m just.. taking a break! That’s healthy too,” Yuuri answered, smiling at his friend.

Ever since Nikiforov and Katsuki got officially married, Yurio lay off of his aggressive behaviour towards the latter one, accepting him as a part of his close friends circle now.

It was a nice change and Yuuri finally got the opportunity to get to know the teenager better, talking to him without bickering.

“Yurioooo, I can hear you all the way from China!” suddenly a loud statement was heard in a singing manner from the phone that Yuuri was holding near to his stomach and then he flipped the device in his hands so that both of the Russians could see each other through the camera.

Viktor was waving at his younger friend enthusiastically, apparently walking through some Chinese park as well.

“Yo,” blondie said, way less enthusiastically, just nodding into his direction, “kinda sucks that we didn’t meet on Rostelekom cup,” he added, adjusting his scarf so it’s less in his face.

Harsh Russian climate will make even Plisetsky wear something warm, huh.

“It’s okay, we’ll meet on the Grand Prix~” Viktor answered, not even for a second doubting any of their victories.

“That’s true,” Yurio smirked.

“Well, since you two met like this, why don’t you guys go and have lunch together? Would be a nice bonding time,” Nikiforov mused, his smile wide and pleased.

Yuuri was ready to start protesting, since he knew that the guy standing in front of him wasn’t a fan of companies, when his companion surprised him.

“Yeah, why not,” Yurio shrugged and then turned around, probably ready to guide him towards some restaurant.

“How splendid!” Viktor clapped his hands and when Yuuri finally turned the cellphone back to his face, he looked at his husband, “Have fun with Yurio, alright?” then he sent an air kiss to the camera and their hours-long call ended.

The week of the tournament was already at close, bringing the day of performances to light.

Both Yuuri and Yurio landed all their jumps, flips and quads, gaining best results, younger skater getting a bit more points for the artistic lifts of his hands, making the choreography difficulty higher.

Katsuki was trying to dial Viktor’s phone right away but the number was unavailable, so he sat in front of the tv in the changing rooms, watching intensely to see the results of the China Cup.

“And we can see here the winners,” said moderator’s enthusiastic voice as the camera zoomed in on the pedestal with three people standing on it, Viktor with a smile waving from the highest level, then taking his gold medal in hand, kissing it.

Yuuri melted into the warm smile, his eyes filling with tears.

Of course they’ll meet on Grand Prix. Of course. It’s Viktor Nikiforov we’re talking about, after all.

“Viktor Nikiforov standing proudly with a golden medal,” was the only thing Japanese skater registered from the tv before his phone rang.

“Darling,” he heard his lover’s voice, full of contentment, “I will see you on the Grand Prix, right?”

“Of course, Viktor..” he answered, smiling almost shyly, getting up from the bench and only then realising that he can still see him on the screen, “wait! how are you talking to me when—“

“You see me on the tv? Magic, my sticky bun, it’s not live, if you noticed,” Yuuri’s eyes immediately drifted to the corner of the screen, which indeed said ‘prerecorded’, “the ceremony was held like an hour ago and after that I was literally bombarded with interviews of all kinds. As soon as I got the chance I called you,” he concluded, Katsuki could practically feel his husband smiling into the device on the other end, all the way in China, “What’s your score, baby?” he asked in the end.

“I.. you’ll see it soon, we’re going for the broadcast in about ten minutes,” he said nervously, clutching the phone closer to his ear.

“Hey..” almost whispered Viktor gently, “even if it’s not gold, I’m so proud of you,” he then hung up, leaving Yuuri shaking from the tears he was trying to surpass.

I love you so much, Viktor... I want to show you so much more of what I can do...

And with these thoughts he wiped his watering eyes, making his way towards the ice ring, to the pedestal where he stood next to Yurio, on the second level, receiving a silver medal.

Next reunion of the loving husbands set place in Vancouver, Canada.

They welcomed each other with a warm hug and passionate embrace, Yuuri rushing towards Viktor from his flight that was slightly delayed, so the older one had to wait for him way longer than they first anticipated.

“I really missed you,” said Nikiforov, gently kissing the golden ring on his partner’s finger, making his other half blush.

“I m-missed you too,” he whispered back, kind of anxiously looking at the front seat of a car they were riding in, at a taxi driver who was just minding his own business.

The younger man still had quite a hard time in expressing their romantic affection in public, feeling almost ashamed for some reason and Viktor had countless talks with him about it, assuring him that everything is okay and that in comparison to him, Katsuki family supports him.

But he never got angry at him because of it and just didn’t push any actions further once he noticed that Yuuri was nervous in public again for any reason.

“Hey, babe, it’s okay,” Viktor just gently took his hand in his, squeezing reassuringly in a silent ‘i love you’ in his ocean eyes that Yuuri knew so well.

He replied with a wide grin, feeling the warmth of their connected palms.

The whole world seems complete when they’re together.

And in a few days the miracle couple started relentlessly training on the ice ring, alongside their friends and rivals like Yurio, JJ, Otabek, Chris and many others.

It was filled with a lot of different emotions, frustrations and happy moments, all mashing together in a big pile.

“Are you sure you want to do this flip?” said Viktor, gracefully doing a round slide on the ice, leaning towards the left side, making it look like what he was doing didn’t acquire any effort.

When these two were practising, all eyes were on Nikiforov. He was just brilliant on trainings and very rarely fell or did some kind of mistake, even in the absolutely new choreographies.

“Yes, I really do,” Yuuri confirmed, his gaze not shifting from his partner’s blue eyes, his own hazel ones filled with determination.

“Alright,” Viktor stopped practicing his own routine and skated closer towards his lover, once again showing him all the moves required for the action he wanted to try.

“Okay, I got it,” said Katsuki and then did the steps just like Viktor, after a moment spinning in the air like nobody dared before and when the landing came, he didn’t count with the speed and fell hard on the ice, feeling an instant crack somewhere in the leg.

“Yuuri!” Nikiforov slid towards him immediately, helping him to get up, but his husband only yelped in pain, “I told you it was too difficult for you yet!”

His tone was stern and soaked with worry as he helped him get up, Yuuri hissing in discomfort and putting his hand around Viktor’s shoulder, being dragged out of the ring.

One week later was the Grand Prix that they all trained so hard for.

Every corner was buzzing in the training wing. Figure skaters were talking together, some were watching tv that showed the judges that were discussing the whole event, having usual speeches, some people were listening to music and doing their regular stretches on the yoga mats, coaches were trying to hype their skaters as much as they could... It was lively.

It was everything that Viktor loved so dearly, his heart was beating for this atmosphere. He knew every participant and everyone in turn was awaiting his show. Everything was perfect.

Except next to him sat silent Yurio, angrily drinking from the water bottle, lion shirt on top of his beautiful costume.

“Don’t be so fucking sad,” he growled at him, finishing his drink and putting it on the floor with force, his green eyes piercing at the tv in front of them.

“Whatever,” Viktor answered quietly, standing up and slowly making his way towards the available yoga mat, stretching his muscles. His whole body hurt, he didn’t sleep well last night.

Of course, sleeping without Yuuri by his side was a new thing to get used to. Even Makkachin was all the way in Japan, not being able to keep him company.

It wasn’t unusual for Viktor that his emotional state went to the pits of hell, it was quite normal for him to experience burnout since he was present on the ice skating stage ever since he was 14 - just like Plisetsky, by the way, no wonder he’s so angry all the time - and the thing that kept him going was that burning passion for skating no matter what.

But ever since he took that break for one season to train Yuuri, his main motivation has become his partner, funnily enough. Even now, when they were supposed to be opponents, he still found himself demotivated by the fact that he is not participating due to suffering an injury and is now currently in the hospital.

“This was supposed to be our debut as opponents and lovers!” he clutched his fist and hit the wall, making everyone stare at him, room getting silent.

“What are you looking at?!” yelled Yurio at everyone, putting the attention on himself, stripping from the lion shirt, revealing his breathtaking costume for the show, “You all better look at me now, I’m going to skate first,” he said, making his way towards the ice.

Viktor mentally thanked his younger friend for drawing the attention away from him as he lost his control for a second, now retrieving to the staircase of the building, not wanting to be seen like this.

When you’re in love you really take all the good and the bad from the attachment to the person.

Katsuki just finished watching Yurio’s routine from the tv that was by request put into his hospital room where he was alone. Viktor paid for the more expensive service even though Yuuri said that it wouldn’t really matter to him where he was spending time if it’s not with him on the ice.

He felt incredibly sad, guilty and angry at himself for trying that reckless jump on the training, resulting in him injuring his left leg.

It wasn’t actually anything serious, but he needed to rest the muscle. So that meant no Grand Prix. No skating with Viktor for the first time.

He could only imagine what his husband was feeling. Trainings always got more intense right before the competition so the last time when they heard each other was about a week ago when he shortly called to simply ask about his well-being.

Just as he thought about it, though, his phone rang and Yuuri visibly flinched, not being used to receiving any calls lately.

He didn’t even look at the caller ID, automatically going with, “Viktor?!”

“You dumbass, it’s Yurio,” the agitated voice on the other end said, clearly still partially out of breath from the show that he just skated.

It was incredible.

“Oh!” he blinked a few times and then regained his composure, quickly saying, “I just saw your routine, it was amazing! Good job!”

“Yeah-yeah, whatever,” he said, gritting his teeth, continuing, “I’m calling because of Viktor. He’s.. in bad shape,” his voice grew quieter, “so you better cheer him the fuck up. Understood? I don’t know how, but do it quickly,” he was speaking seriously, probably clutching the phone in his hand with all his strength.

Then, before the Japanese had any time to reply, he hung up, leaving Yuuri to listen to the beeping on the other end.

Bad shape?..

His thoughts, everything in his mind speeding up and racing back and forth.

I need to fix that!..

During his time while he was in a relationship with Viktor, Yuuri has learned a lot of things. One of the more fundamental ones were.. being creative.

Sometimes they would have fights and he had to come up with a way to surprise him to both make him speechless and want to talk to him again, not being angry anymore.

So he really did master this skill of being creative and now he’s going to put this to use.

A plan came up to his mind almost immediately and he instantly pushed a red button for calling the nurse into the room.

A few skaters already had their go, Viktor was supposed to show himself right in the middle of the tournament but he felt like in this state he won’t reach even his usual score.

Is this it? Has love ruined Viktor Nikiforov’s incredible talent and years of grind with hard work?..

His eyes were wide open as he was watching young Otabek finishing up his routine flawlessly, getting a second place right after Yurio, who was currently sitting on the top.

He felt how someone patted him on the shoulder and looked behind himself, spotting Chris with a warm smile, extending a hand towards his friend with a phone.

“It’s your husband, Viktor,” he winked at him flirtatiously and Russian took it hesitantly, all thoughts mixed up together.

“Viktor!! I couldn’t reach you on your phone, so please turn on the tv on the channel two right now!” he almost yelled in the device, making his partner furrow his brows together.

“What?..” Nikiforov said, confusion written all over his expression.

“Please, I’m so sorry that I ended up with an injury but it should’ve never affected you, любимый*!” at the last Russian word Viktor just bit his lower lip, tears threatening to fall down his face.

“Don’t hang up, Yuuri, whatever you came up with, I want to be with you at least like this,” said the older man, putting Chris’ phone closer to his ear, as if shortening the distance between the two of them.

As the reply he just heard a hum in affirmation from his husband.

He quickly took the remote of the tv and changed the station from the official tournament broadcast, making the majority of the people in the room questioningly turntheir head towards the genius skater again, but he didn’t care.

On the tv he saw Yuuri in normal clothes, not a hospital robe, standing behind some white wall, clearly nervous and with a microphone in his hand.

Once Viktor saw this, he couldn’t control his emotions and just ran around the whole wing, turning every single screen to show channel two, now Yuuri looking at him from every corner.

“At first I would like to apologise for disturbing your preparations for the tournament, competitors, but as you all know I badly landed one of the jumps at practise and ended up with a moderate injury, resulting in me being unable to participate,” he took a deep breath before continuing, still looking somewhere at his feet, “and I suspect that Viktor Nikiforov, who once used to be my coach and who is now another one of my opponents in the competition.. I think he’s not doing well, because we promised each other that we would skate together on the Grand Prix no matter what,” he now lifted his hazel eyes, wobbly smile on his face, “Who knew, huh? Well.. I am here to lift your spirits, Viktor. Even if I’m not there,” he smiled broadly, cheeks heating up, becoming slightly pink.

Japanese cleared his throat and proceeded.

“Whatever I wouldn’t do, my life is always bringing me back. Back to you,” his eyes were now filled with determination and love, “Before I met you, I didn’t know what love was, I didn’t know what it meant when you couldn’t breathe in your normal tempo without the other person anymore. I didn’t know that this could ever mean so much to anyone,” he slowly lifted his engagement ring on his finger, fighting the stinging sensation in his eyes, “before you, I was just a lost boy, lost person, lost life. You made me find myself professionally and as a person. You made me whole. I know, I don’t say there things often and especially in public when we see each other, so hearing it like this is probably even more frustrating to you, but.. I want you to win. Don’t you let my absence discourage you,” he furrowed his brows together, not stopping “You were so open about me and your feelings, I think it’s time for me to finally pay you back. Viktor, you once captured my heart and it stays perfectly still in your hands, forever,” Yuuri put his hand with the golden ring on his chest, on his beating heart,

“Please, win. For me.”

The broadcast ended after this, everyone turning the screen back to the original channel as Viktor stayed in place, wide-eyed.

“Viktor?..” he heard Yuuri close to his ear now, gently bringing him back to reality.

He sighed deeply, a smile slowly appearing on his face, “Babe... Watch me,” he said, voice full of so well known hazard for skating the routine well.

From all his excitement he didn’t even notice all the commotion on the other end of Yuuri’s side as they exchanged a few more phrases and then hung up.

“That was a long ass call,” said with a pleased grin Chris as he got his phone back, “You guys are my favourite couple. I hate to encourage my opponent, but go get that win, Viktor!” he yelled at Nikiforov’s back already, as the Russian skater made his way towards the ring, ready to capture gold.

Metro at this hour was full with people and Yuuri did his best to spectate Viktor’s performance on live tv and to watch where he’s going.

Despite the recommendations of doctors at the hospital he said he needs to be there with him, so he was now rushing towards the skating ring, his stamina now being able to withstand longer distances, ever since he started training with his partner.

He’d have to push through the endless crowds of people, someone recognising him and immediately wanting an autograph or to talk, sometimes his leg would send a pang if pain right through his whole body, making him grunt on his journey.

But he was determined. Yuuri wanted to see his husband on ice as he’s winning a medal. Because he just knew, Viktor is winning one. There was not a single doubt about it in his heart that beat so much faster and more passionate for this particular Russian skater.

Finally, when he made it to the arena, he sprinted through the training area, making multiple coaches and participants look up at him in awe, fully realising what the fool came to do.

He was here for Viktor only, and everyone knew that. Their love towards each other was unstoppable.

As the skinny, incredibly beautiful and elegant skater gathered up strength and lifted his body off the ground like a feather in his signature flip, the whole world was watching. Everyone caught their breath, not daring to move, awaiting the landing and therefore the result.

Not a lot of people knew this, but the only thing that Viktor was thinking about at that moment was his husband, Yuuri. How he clutched his hand to his chest, where the heart is, golden ring shining into the camera.

So much emotion and genuine agitation over the fact that they can’t yet make their debut as partners on ice... all mixed up in a beautiful whirl of tears slowly falling down Yuuri’s face, and when Nikiforov landed, he did it perfectly.

The execution of his last move in the astonishingly difficult choreography was nailed perfectly, without a single error, his body bending in a curve for the last burst of the ending posture, before the music stopped.

When the top skater let himself breathe again, his cheeks and nose was red, throat and nostrils almost not catching up to the speed of his breathing.

“Viktor!!” suddenly he heard the desired voice so clear as if they were the only ones present for miles and whipped his head towards the source, ocean eyes wide, threatening to start getting filled with tears.

“Yuuri!” he yelled right back at him, forgetting all the gifts on ice behind him, with an incredible speed closing in to his husband.

And when their bodies touched in the sudden hug, chests tightly pressing to each other, Viktor let himself lose it. He started sobbing, clutching the back of his partner’s coat, trying to get even closer than they already were.

“You... how did you make it here?” the pair pulled away from each other only to look into their faces, eyes meeting and creating an entirely different reality between them, it seemed like.

“I’m so proud of you, Vitya.. Я люблю тебя,**” he said with a blush on his cheeks and a terrible accent, but the Russian skater’s eyes just watered even more at that, him jumping into his arms once again.

“Господи, а я тебя как люблю! Напугал меня со своим ушибом, а сам знаешь-ли пришёл всё-таки на муженька посмотреть!***” the word vomit from his husband in foreign language made absolutely no sense to Yuuri as he just confusedly nodded, caught off guard.

“Baby, I’m so glad you’re here..” Viktor finally said in the language that he could understand, with far less volume than everything that’s been said before.

“I just needed to see you live, not on the screen..” murmured Yuuri into his shoulder, “Doctors were against it, but.. here I am,” he laughed nervously, just snuggling in closer into the cloth with his nose.

“But I think if I remain resting at home and I’ll have someone taking care of me, then I wouldn’t need to stay at the hospital during the recovery,” he continued, pulling away to just smile at Viktor.

“Of course, jesus. You’re not staying there but since I’m pretty sure I just won another Grand Prix in my career, we can go anywhere to relax together for a bit,” he answered, getting quieter towards the end of his sentence, his fingers instinctively reaching up for Yuuri’s lower lip and opening his mouth a little, squeezing on the skin.

“Only you and me, honey.. You have to pay me off for not showing up to the competition, “ suddenly Yuuri felt a hand on his back, firm on his ass.

He started blushing, nervously chuckling and just nodding, accepting defeat. After all, he wouldn’t really mind anything that Viktor has probably planned for them to do.

And just like this, Viktor Nikiforov skated back to the ring, towards the pedestal with the winners, stepping onto the first place, soon enough already pressing his lips gently to the gold metal, then meeting brown eyes of his husband, looking at him with his azurites full of love.

*my love

**i love you

***jesus, and how much do i love you! you made me worry with your injury, but of course you came to see your lovely husband perform, right?

#viktuuri #victuuri #victuuri fic #viktor nikiforov #victor nikiforov #yuuri katsuki #yuri on ice #yoi #yuri on ice fanfic #original drabble

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xofanfics · 5 years ago

Text

String - Part III

Prologue | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

Genre: angst, fluff, suggestive themes

Pairing: Baekhyun x Female Reader

Word Count: 2.9k

Summary: You find yourself in a friends-with-benefits situation with your best friend. You have no business falling for him, but your heart begs to differ.

Eight months had gone by since Baekhyun had seen Kira last. They’d been seeing each other the previous semester but then she got accepted to study abroad, putting their short term situationship to an end. Baekhyun liked her and she liked him; that was clear back then. The timing wasn’t right and Baekhyun had had hopes that they’d start seeing each other again once she got back. While she was in Italy, they’d texted some until their communications were reduced to comments on each others’ social media stories.

Baekhyun had been a bit jealous when he noticed a recurring man in her photos. He kept the details to himself but he did complain about his love life to you. She’d forgotten all about him, clearly and it bummed him out. The two of you had been up late watching tv and complaining about your love lives. He said, “This dating thing sucks, Y/N…”

And you’d said, “It does but complaining at two in the morning isn’t going to help you.”

And he realized you were right. A few days later, he decided to take control of his love life. “I know we’re still a little drunk but I wanna make you feel good. What do you think?” He didn’t know what came over him at the time. Some of it was the liquor and the rest of it was because he was tired of thinking about the girl he couldn’t even have. He thought, Why not have sex with someone I actually have a chance with?

Kira returned to the table, two donuts stuffed with ice cream in her hands. Baekhyun smiled as she handed it to him. “I told you I’d buy you ice cream when I came back,” she said. “Do you still come here?”

Baekhyun shook his head and took a bite. “I haven’t been here since the last time we came.”

Kira took a bite out of hers. Baekhyun couldn’t believe he was looking at her. He took in her beautiful face. Kira was never one to wear much makeup. He noticed that for the most part, she only wore mascara on her long lashes and lipstick on her full, plump lips. She got a tan while she was in Italy he noticed, her skin a golden brown. He didn’t take his eyes off of her during that first bite. The feelings that he had before came rushing back to him the moment their eyes met.

They stayed in the ice cream shop for an hour or two, just catching up and filling each other in on their lives. Kira had a lot to talk about and Baekhyun never got bored. Around eight, they got hungry for real food and ended up eating Italian food at a place called San Marzano. It was one of Baekhyun’s favorite places in the city because it was cheap and because the staff filled people’s wine glasses to the point where they could actually get drunk off of wine.

They ended up waiting around forty minutes but it was a nice evening and Kira didn’t seem to mind it, so they walked around East Village until it was time to make their way back to the restaurant. He and Kira had been on a few dates before but this seemed different. For some reason things felt more raw, more authentic. He felt so alive and in the moment. All he saw and could focus on was Kira. He watched her as she talked. He watched the way her lips moved and the way the corners would turn up into a smile every so often. He listened to the sound of her voice and how it was sweet, honey wrapped around her pretty little vocal cords. He watched her as she drank from her wine glass and how the lipstick she just applied got all over the rim of the glass. He watched as she ate her pasta and the sound of pure pleasure she made at the taste.

Baekhyun was on his second glass of Chardonnay when he felt like his heart was going to burst. Suddenly, he said, “I missed you…”

Though Baekhyun didn’t expect to hear this, she said, “I missed you, too.”

Feeling a little bold, he said, “Is it too late to pick up where we left off?” * The week seemed to drag on. You hadn’t been able to get Baekhyun alone for the past week. The times you’d seen him was when you were with your friends but you wanted to get him alone so that you could talk about your relationship. On Friday, you decided to text him as your shift ended. No one had made any plans of going out tonight so you figured the chances of him being free were higher.

[3:04PM] Hey, can we talk?

Baekhyun [3:32PM] What’s up?

[3:35PM] Are you free tonight?

Baekhyun [3:41PM] I’m going to dinner tonight. You’re still coming to brunch tomorrow though, right?

[3:43 PM] Yeah

Baekhyun [3:45PM] Let’s talk tomorrow then

You weren’t quite satisfied with talking to him tomorrow, being that Evie’s words were still haunting you a week later. Hell, even Sehun’s words were making you feel insecure. You still heard his voice clearly in your head. Kind of? You don’t seem too sure.

You wanted to talk to Baekhyun about where you stood as soon as possible but tomorrow would have to do. Plus, you’d both get drunk and probably end up having sex before the day was over. The thought of having sex with Baekhyun put you in a better mood. It’d been about a week and a half since the last time but you found yourself craving it more than usual. You hadn’t seen him as much since he’d been back and that was understandable, with work and school and everything. * You made it a point to do your makeup and hair in the morning. You put on the black thong that you wore the first time you had sex. You recalled the memory, like it was yesterday. You thought about the way he held you, the way he called your name, and how wild and unexpected it had been. It had been a while since you’d had a spontaneous moment with him.

When you were finished, you looked at yourself in the mirror and were proud of your look. Your lips had a slight tint of pink and your winged eyeliner was something that even the gods couldn’t duplicate. Not to mention that your eyelashes went on without a fuss! You wore a floral dress that flowed with the wind. It showed just enough cleavage to get a man’s attention but not enough to get him hard at the dinner table. You covered up with a jean jacket and grabbed your shoulder bag before heading out.

As you waited for the L train, Sehun crossed your mind. You felt bad about not texting him but you’d explained your reason to him. He didn’t need more than that. Hell, he was a good looking guy; you were sure he’d find someone. It just wouldn’t be you. Your heart was set on Baekhyun and Baekhyun only.

By the time you got to the restaurant, Baekhyun hadn’t arrived yet. You couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed; you wanted him to watch as you made your entrance into the restaurant and toward your table. Maybe it was a bit dramatic. You made your way to the back of the restaurant and greeted your friends.

“God, you look so fucking gorgeous,” said Sadie.

You smiled. “Thanks Sadie.”

Daren winked. “Fine as fuck.”

“Thanks guys,” you said, nearly blushing.

The group ordered the first round of drinks, keeping Baekhyun’s arrival in mind. And like clockwork, Baekhyun showed up and headed toward the table. “Sorry I’m late,” he said, taking his seat across from you.

“Lucky for you we just ordered a pitcher to start us off,” you said.

He chuckled. “Do you have a fashion show to go to after this?”

“Maybe…”

Baekhyun was always so playful, so flirty. He’d always been like this: flirting, making dirty jokes, and so on. He’d been like this even before that night the two of you crossed the line and had sex. Not much had changed other than the fact that you and Baekhyun occasionally would end up in each other’s beds for reasons beyond cuddling.

During brunch, you kept checking the time and were starting to get a little impatient. You wanted to talk to Baekhyun and, to be honest, you felt like your friends were standing in the way of it all. After what seemed like a painful hour and a half, the six of you left and stood outside. You assumed that you’d all go your separate ways until a tipsy Evie said, “It’s only one. It’s too early to go home!”

Then, Baekhyun turned to you. “Didn’t you say your roommates weren’t here this weekend? What if we come over?”

You honestly didn’t want to but after thinking it over again, you realized that going about things this way would be easier since Baekhyun was going to be in your apartment anyway. After everyone else left, you’d be able to talk to him about things and get under him later.

“Um, sure,” you offered.

Evie clapped her hands together. “Yay!”

Drew said, “We can go to that liquor store by your place and get a bottle right? How drunk is everyone trying to get.”

Daren scoffed. “As drunk as humanely possible.” * In case anyone was wondering, Daren did get as drunk as humanely possible and he spent the last thirty minutes of his stay at your apartment throwing up in the toilet because, apparently, he’d overdone it. And a drunk Evie pat his back and sang “Pocketful of Sunshine” while he threw up. Baekhyun supervised, leaning on the door frame. When you approached your friends, you said, “How are they? Evie didn’t start throwing up, did she?”

Before Baekhyun could answer, Evie chimed in. “Hey! I’m not that drunk.”

You laughed and turned back to Baekhyun. He said, “By the way, I’ll clean the toilet after he’s done.”

“Thanks.”

Daren flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth before Evie started helping him at the sink and handing him mouthwash. While they did that, Baekhyun went to work with the toilet brush and toilet bowl cleaner. Within the next ten minutes or so, everyone had started cleaning up the cups and bottles in the kitchen. You appreciated the gesture. As everyone started heading toward the door, Baekhyun followed.

You said, “You’re not going to stay?”

He frowned. “I would but Daren’s in bad shape. Drew left earlier and I think Daren would be better off getting in an Uber with me back to my place to sleep this off. Let’s hangout another day, just us, okay?”

You nodded, knowing that it would be selfish of you to complain when your friend was drunk and suffering. You accepted defeat and said your goodbyes. As the door slammed shut, you let out a sigh. Life had one point and you, on the other hand, had zero—another loss on your end. * You swiped on Instagram after your shower and came across Baekhyun’s profile. Clicking on his profile, you saw that he was watching Euphoria. You felt a pang of hurt as you recalled him saying that you’d watch it together. It was just a show and it wasn’t a big deal but you still couldn’t help but feel annoyed that he’d started watching it without you. When it came out in June, he was the one who asked you to wait until he came back so that you could watch it together.

You decided to reply to his story: Watching without me, huh?

He wrote back, Damn, I forgot. I’ll rewatch the first episode with you. Are you busy tomorrow?

I’m free. Come over.

You messaged him feeling a little annoyed but you felt so much better knowing that you’d see him tomorrow. Sex aside, you missed him. Sex was great but you just craved sitting on the couch and stuffing your faces with takeout. You missed just being around him, doing nothing; just the two of you.

You got in bed, excited to be seeing Baekhyun tomorrow after classes. Finally, some time alone with him. * Butterflies sat in your stomach for hours, fluttering and pushing against the walls, threatening to burst from your bofy. You felt the ticklish feeling until six o’clock as you grabbed Baekhyun’s favorite ten dollar bottle of wine from the liquor store near your apartment. Baekhyun said he’d get to your place around six thirty and you couldn’t contain your excitement.

When you got back your roommate Mya was in the kitchen cooking something that smelled delicious. You’d let her know earlier that you’d be in the living room with Baekhyun, just so that there was no issue with using the TV. Mya smiled as you came in. “Hey Y/N. I’ll be done in a few,” she said.

“No rush,” you said, putting the wine in the fridge. You sat at the counter. “What are you making?”

“Just some beef stew. I don’t think the meat will be that tender to be honest,” Mya said. “I was thinking of getting an Instant Pot. That would make things like this so much easier.”

“You should get one. My mom got one on sale a few months ago.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely worth the investment. Plus I’ll have it for my future one bedroom apartment. I’m manifesting my dream life.”

You’d never given much thought about your future after college, other than getting a job. Mya was skipping over those things and fast forwarding to the things she wanted to get out of life. Thinking about it a little more deeply, by getting her dream apartment, she’d have her dream career and make lots of money.

“I need to get to that level of positivity…”

“You should make a vision board sometime. It helps and it can be your motivation.”

Before you could add anything else, there was a knock on the door. Looking through the peephole, you found the person you’d been expecting. You smiled and let him in.

“Hey,” he said, giving you one of those bear hugs you loved. He turned to the kitchen. “Hi Mya.”

She said, “Hey Baekhyun. Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I was in Korea for the summer,” he explained. “What are you making by the way? Smells good.”

The three of you made small talk for five more minutes before Mya finished up in the kitchen. Then, Baekhyun plopped on the couch and picked up his phone. You sat next to him. He said, “You hungry?”

“Not really, but I will be.”

“What do you wanna get?”

“How about some Thai food?”

Baekhyun nodded. “That’s a good idea.”

You leaned on Baekhyun’s shoulder as you both ordered the dishes you wanted. You ended up ordering basil fried rice and pad thai with some spring rolls. After ordering, you put on the TV. “You wanna wait to watch Euphoria and watch it while we eat?” He nodded and went to the kitchen to grab his backpack. He pulled out your favorite snack, handing it to you.

You smiled, taking the bag of honey snacks. “You remembered.”

“I found the big bag of them at h mart and thought I’d get it for you.”

As the food came and you watched a couple episodes of the show, you felt like things were returning to the way they used to be. You laughed and joked. He tickled you when you made slick-ass comments to roast him, sending you in a frenzy of giggles. He reminisced about old times and filled you in about his school year so far. He told you about how the gym doesn’t suit him and that he’s been swimming lately. He expressed his concerns about graduation and talked about one day how he wanted to start a business. The two of you danced like fools in the living room and you hugged him, tipsy off of the wine.

And you ended up passing out on the couch, Baekhyun falling asleep on a pillow in your lap. You weren’t sure what time you fell asleep or how you fell asleep in the first place, but you woke up and saw that the cable box let you know that it was almost midnight. Baekhyun was still fast asleep, his mouth slightly ajar.

“Hey,” you said, tapping his cheek. “Wake up babe…”

Baekhyun opened his eyes, a bit startled and sat up. “God, what time is it? How did we fall asleep?”

“No idea,” you said, laughing. “One minute we were dancing and then the next minute we weren’t. Let’s sleep in the bed.”

“I should actually head home,” he said. “I’m going to the pool in the morning for a workout.”

Disappointment washed over you. It wasn’t a big deal and you knew that he wasn’t lying but you couldn’t help but feel annoyed at the fact that he wasn’t going to sleep over. After all your efforts, your chance was shot down yet again. You didn’t want to come off as crazy or be insensitive or anything like that, so you kept your mouth shut.

“Oh,” you said. “Okay.”

“I wanted to go early in the morning,” he explained.

“Yeah that’s fine,” you said.

As Baekhyun stood up and grabbed his things, you couldn’t help but feel frustrated. Your chance had been blown away by a strong gust of wind that you couldn’t control. Things with Baekhyun were up in the air and you didn’t know if you could get a hold of the situation. A relationship with Baekhyun was beginning to seem like a faraway dream.

*********

Tag List: @shesdreaminginoverdose @multistania

Please DM me if you want to be added to the tag list! Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

#baekhyun #byun baekhyun #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun smut #baekhyun angst #exo angst #exo fluff #exo smut #exo fanfic #exo imagines #baekhyun imagines #exo reactions #kpop angst #kpop smut #kpop fluff #fwb!au #fwb!baekhyun #fwb! to lovers

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atlafan · 5 years ago

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Take it Slow - Part Thirty-Four

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff and Smut.

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

You woke up a groggy mess the next morning. You weren’t sure how you were supposed to walk around all day shopping when your legs still felt like jello. He said that was him going on easy on you. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t curious as to how Harry usually fucked someone. You also wondered if he ever fucked someone he was in love with before. The way he grabbed your hand last night as he went deeper inside suggested that maybe he hadn’t. You looked over to the bathroom. A shower would surely bring you back from the dead. Your mind raced to fucking Harry in the shower, like full on. He’d probably lift you up and press you against the tile. You smiled at the thought of doing it all over your apartment when you got back.

When you were in college, you fucked all the time. You were constantly hooking up. Sometimes with the same guys, or maybe you’d meet someone new at a party. You liked having sex, it always made you feel powerful. You enjoyed being on top and doing the majority of the work, with college guys that was the only way to get what you were really after. The boys didn’t know what to do to make you feel good. You imagine once you gain your full confidence back, you and Harry would probably fight for dominance quite a bit. You welcomed the challenge.

Harry rolls over, almost crushing you. He places light kisses on your cheek, making you giggle. His eyes flutter open, and he smiles big at you.

“How’s my ba-“ You push on his chest to roll on top of him. You hide your face in the crook of his neck. “Feelin’ a little shy?” You nod your head yes. He chuckles. He really does think you’re the cutest thing in the world. “How ‘bout a bath this mornin’, hm?” You look up at him and smile. “Stay here, I’ll go set it up.” He kisses your hairline, and gets up.

You engulf yourself in the blankets, taking in his full scent. Nothing smelled better than Harry, absolutely nothing. He comes back several minutes later to let you know the bath was all set. You walk in with him and see he’s lit some candles. You take a minute to brush your teeth before you get in. You give him a fresh, minty kiss. He gets in first, and then you. You lean right up against him and sit in a comfortable silence as he holds you.

“How are you feelin’ this mornin’?” Someone had to break the silence.

“Alright.” You yawn, and press your head further into his shoulder.

“Just alright?”

“I feel like I’m floating.” You feel his smirk against your head.

“What was your favorite part?”

“Being as close as we possibly could be.” You turn to look at him and grin. “On a less sappy note, I think you’re the only guy ever to hit me like that, it felt incredible.” He tilts your head up to kiss you. “What was your favorite part?”

“Same as you, just really liked bein’ so close to you.” You raise an eyebrow at him. “A less sappy thing would definitely be finally feelin’ how tight you are around me.” You cheeks flush.

“Maybe it’s not that I’m tight, maybe it’s just that your dick is big. Ever think of that?” You giggle.

“Let’s go with both.”

After your bath, Harry makes you both some coffee while you put on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. You opt for sneakers today to give your feat a rest. You put a braid in your hair and throw the rest of it up into a ponytail. Harry has a pair of loose fitting jeans on and a sweatshirt as well. He hands you the coffee.

“Mm, thank you.” You take a sip and smile at him. You think back to last night and blush.

“You excited to do some shoppin’?”

“Yes!”

“Your hair looks nice like that by the way. Don’t think I’ve ever seen ya braid it like that.”

“Thanks babe.” You get up and kiss him on the cheek.

“You really like the earrings?” He twists one between his fingers lightly.

“I love them. Never taking them out.”

You and Harry set out to the shops. You start out at a few clothing stores. He takes note of the things that catch your eyes. You talk about wanting to get small things for the girls since they’re watching your place. You end up buying a few things here and there, and Harry helps you carry the bags.

“How ‘bout this place?” You look up and see it’s a jewelry store. “I’ve gotten some of m’rings here, I’d like to see if they have anythin’ new.”

“Sounds good to me.”

You both walk in, a man greets the both of you. Harry walks around. His eyebrows are furrowed until his entire face lights up.

“Babe, look at this one.” He waves you over. “It would look good on m’pinky, don’t you think?”

“Try it on, let’s see.” A man takes the ring out of the case for Harry to try on. He slides it onto his finger, and holds his hand out for you. “Oh, I like that on you. You should definitely get it.”

“You don’t think it clashes too much with the others?”

“Since when do you care about things clashing? It would look odd if it didn’t.”

“True.” He looks at the man behind the counter. “Alright, I’d like to get this please.”

As Harry goes over the paperwork for the ring with the man, you continue to browse. Everything was so beautiful. Every single price tag made you want to vomit, but it was still nice to look. You find yourself looking at diamond rings. You scrunch your face at some of them, thinking a few of the diamond shapes were ugly. You hated the way large diamonds looked on thin bands. You much preferred a thick band with a modest stone. You also preferred a square shape to a round or oval. Harry turns around to see what you’re up to while he waits for the man to return with his ring. He desperately wants to know which ring has made your face light up the way it has. He walks over to you.

“See anythin’ ya like?” He startles you.

“Hm? No, just looking over everything.” He watches your eyes carefully, and follows them to the ring with a thick band and square diamond. He makes a mental note. “What’s the status on your ring?”

“They’re just polishin’ it up f’me.”

“Was it expensive?”

“Sort of, but he cut me a deal since I shop here a lot. If there’s anythin’ that catches your eye don’t be afraid to tell me.”

“You are not buying me anymore jewelry.” You walk away from him, moving on to look at some of the necklaces.

“This one’s cool.” You scrunch your face.

“Too out there for me. I’m a little plainer when it comes to jewelry, I don’t like things that stand out too much, on me of course.” You see one that would almost look good on Harry. “This would look nice on you.” You show it to him.

“You know I used to wear necklaces all the time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I have a cross I used to wear a lot, stopped for some reason. I was afraid of it gettin’ dirty on my shoots. Or worse, losing it while I was travelin’. Might start wearin’ it again though.” Harry’s eyes scan over the various pearl necklaces. “Had a pearl necklace I absolutely adored, but I had to sell it a while back to buy some equipment. Broke my heart.” You make a mental note to buy him pearls for his birthday in a couple of months. “Is that weird?”

“Not at all! You know I love your style baby.”

“Sir?” The man says to Harry. “Your ring is ready.”

Harry smiles big and takes it out of the box to put it on his pinky. He takes your hand in his, and you leave the store.

You duck in and out of a few more stores, and decide to take a break at a café for lunch. You get your food to go so you can sit in a park to eat. It was cold out, but you wanted to stay outside.

“Where are we going tonight, Harry?”

“Mitch and Sarah have this club they like to go to. It’s nice.”

“Do people do cocaine there too?” You giggle.

“Love, any party after two in the mornin’, there’s gonna be cocaine.” He laughs.

“I can’t get over the architecture out here, it’s so cool.”

“I used to feel the same way when I first started exploring Boston.”

“Can I ask why you chose such a small city to stay in? Why not New York, or Chicago, or even somewhere out in California?”

“Don’t know.” He shrugs. “It mostly had to do with how expensive the schools I was lookin’ at were.”

“There weren’t any colleges here you wanted to go to?”

“There a few I applied to. But the more I looked into the various international programs other schools had I figured it would be cool to go somewhere I had never been before. I remember my mum was pissed because the first summer after my freshman year I didn’t come home until the middle of July.”

“Why’s that?”

“Niall, Louis, and I took a cross country road trip. We wanted to see it all. It was so much fun.” He smiles at the memory. “We all just really enjoyed Boston. I honestly think New York would’ve been too busy for me. I like how easily you can get to the suburbs, and even when the traffic’s bad, the drive to where you’re goin’ isn’t long.”

“It really is a great city. When I was a kid I always wondered what people did to be able to live there.”

“How come you stayed in Massachusetts? You didn’t want to explore?”

“I actually spent a semester abroad in L.A., it was incredible. I drove out the beach every weekend.”

“What year did you do that?”

“It was my second semester sophomore year. Rachel and I got accepted into the same program, so we went together.”

“I imagine there were many shenanigans.” You scoff.

“God, you have no idea.” You take a bite of your sandwich. “Since we all lived relatively close, over most winter breaks we would try to get together for a weekend trip to New York, or something fun like that. See a show and all that.” You take a sip of your drink. “I think same as you, those larger cities are just too busy. Plus, even though my family drives me nuts, it would be hard to be so far away. I don’t know how you do it.”

“It just makes the visits better. We hardly ever argue about anythin’ cause we don’t wanna waste the little time we have.” Harry sips on his drink. “My mum gets it, she raised Gem and I to be pretty independent spirits. She was understanding about us wanting to fly the coop, so to speak.”

“I had lived with my dad after my parents split, when I was home on breaks from school.” Harry raises an eyebrow at you. “I know, super confusing. But honestly, it was the best option for me at the time. My mom moved out my senior year of high school, and with so much change going on, I needed something to stay constant. I didn’t want to pack up my room or leave my side of town. Bridget moved in with my mom. She was only supposed to stay for six months.” You roll your eyes. “Anyways, I was so grateful that I started applying for jobs early, because I got an interview with where I work now at like the end of April. There was an alum that worked there at the time that I had connected with. He helped coach me through the interview process. After like three rounds of interviews, they took me on. I actually started out in their social media department, that’s how I met Niall because he was there too.” Harry nods along. “That’s a story for a different time.” You giggle. “Anyways, my dad was happy I had gotten such a great job, but he couldn’t wrap his had around the fact that I’d rather go live with Rachel and Sarah and pay rent, then live for free at home and commute.”

“Commuting from your dad’s house would’ve been so stressful.”

“No kidding! I would’ve had to get up even earlier to catch the T. He yelled at me almost every day for two weeks, and I had finally had enough. I was like if you think this is what’s going to keep me here, you’re crazy. I tried not to get too mad at him because I understood at the end of the day his youngest kid was moving out. I thought I did pretty well for myself.”

“You certainly do. You should be proud of how fast you’ve been able to move up.”

“I know you like the benefits your work has, but do you think you’ll ever run your own business full time at any point?”

“I don’t know, honestly. I like the idea of continuing to build my own brand, maybe even lease my own photo studio…but it’s such a difficult business. You’re either busy all the time or not at all, there’s little in between. At lease with the magazine, there’s always a steady paycheck comin’ in.”

“Well, if you do ever lease your own space I know someone in marketing that can really help you build your brand.” You wink at him. He puts his arm around you, and pulls you close to him.

“I hate to say this, but I think I could use a nap.”

“Yeah, pretty tired myself. Let’s head back.”

After a quick power nap, you and Harry get ready to meet Mitch and Sarah. You all decided to have dinner together before heading to the club. You were all having fun, drinking and dancing a bit. You didn’t want to go too crazy because you didn’t want to be hungover for your flight tomorrow afternoon.

“Harry?! Is that you?!” Harry’s face as pale as a ghost. And you swear you heard Mitch say oh fuck. Some random girl attached herself to Harry’s body, almost pushing you out of the way. “I told you girls it was ‘im!” A few more girls gather around. “How ya been Styles?” Her accent was thicker than his.

“Um…good.” He takes a step back from the girl.

“It’s been ages! How long ya in town for?”

“I, we leave tomorrow.” He hooks his arm around your waist and the girl shoots daggers at you. “Just home for Christmas.”

“Oh, I see. And who’s this then?” You go to speak, but Harry speaks before you.

“My girlfriend, obviously.” His grip on you tightens.

“She can’t be your girlfriend, you don’t do girlfriends remember?” She says laughing. “At least that’s what yeh told me, and every other girl you’ve fucked in London.”

“Alright, Melissa, that’s enough.” Sarah says stepping in. “What did you do, stalk us? I know you saw my Instagram story. I’m about ready to block you.”

“A girl can’t come to the club with her friends anymore?”

“Interesting how you made sure to be here when you knew Harry would be here.” Mitch says. She looks back at you.

“Fine, I’ll leave yeh all alone. He’s gonna break yeh heart honey, trust me. This man is incapable of anythin’ other than a good fuck.”

Melissa and her friends walk away. He waits until she’s completely out of view before letting go of you.

“I am so sorry about that.” He says to you.

“I’m blockin’ her right now. Didn’t think she still followed me. Sorry ‘bout that, H.” There’s that nickname again.

“You couldn’t have known.”

“So was that just like an ex-girlfriend or something?”

“Sort of. She was just a summer fling, nothin’ more, and I made that clear. It was years ago, but she stayed hung up on me. She’s text me all the time when she knew I’d be home.”

“And stupid you would continue to hook up with her.” Mitch says.

“I was like twenty-years old, fuck off.” He looks back at you. “I really am sorry, I-“

“Harry, it’s okay. It was before we knew each other. Your past is your past.” You shrug.

You genuinely weren’t mad. You have zero control over who Harry used to date or hook up with. And you could tell he was embarrassed by having one of his skeletons come out of the closet, you weren’t going to make him feel bad.

“Let’s not let it ruin our good time, hm?” You hug him and kiss him on the cheek.

The four of you spend the rest of the night uninterrupted, which everyone greatly appreciated.

“What time’s our flight tomorrow again?” You ask in the cab back to Harry’s flat.

“It’s late, like 11PM, I did that so by the time we get home it’ll be like we’re just goin’ t’bed early. Less jetlag.”

“Oh, so we have a whole ‘nother day to like explore?”

“Yeah.” He smiles. “Anythin’ in particular you feel like doin’?”

“Gosh, I don’t know. We went to all the big touristy sites. I wouldn’t mind going back to the London Eye, the view was just so spectacular.”

“We can do whatever you want, angel.” He leans closer to you and giggle.

You get up inside the flat, and get ready for bed. You each do your nightly routines, and get into bed. You had never felt closer to Harry. You snuggle up close to him. He takes his book and his glasses out.

“Know it’s late, but do you mind if I read for a bit?”

“Not at all! Do you wanna read to me?” He chuckles.

“You’d be thoroughly confused, I’m already halfway.”

“Don’t care.” You yawn. “I’ll end up falling asleep anyways. Just wanna listen to your voice.”

“Alright love.”

Harry reads out loud from his romance novel, and the sound of his voice is quite soothing. Your eyes feel droopy, and you soon drift off. He stops reading when he hears your light snores. He turns the light off, and slouches a bit to get comfortable, careful not to wake you.

The next morning you wake up on your back with Harry’s face against your chest. Your body was feeling much better, inside and out. You run your hand through his soft curls, and watch as his eyes flutter awake. He nuzzles into you, not quite ready to face the morning sun.

“Mornin’, love.”

“Good morning.” You bite your bottom lip. You had honestly forgotten how much you enjoyed morning sex. It was lazy and sloppy, and a perfect way to wake up. You just weren’t sure how to initiate since Harry was usually the one to suggest something. “Um…how’d you sleep?”

“Good. You?”

“Good.” You have a thought to maybe turn over so he’d be forced to spoon you, but when he was like this, you were trapped. He hears your heart start to beat faster, and leans his head up to look at you.

“You okay?”

“Mhm, yeah.” You smile at him. You knew he’d love to just hear you say it. But you weren’t going to give him the satisfaction. “Do you…um, you know, feel like giving it another go?” Both of his eyebrows raise.

“Feelin’ a bit puckish this mornin’ are we?” You nod your head yes. “Right, well, let’s just go ahead and take care of that shall we?” You giggle as he fully gets on top of you.

Harry’s hand dips down between your legs to rub lightly on your slit, teasing you only slightly to get you wet. You reach between the two of you to grip his hardening cock. You pump him slowly as he groans into your neck.

“Harry?”

“Mm?”

“Could I…get on top of you this time?” He props himself up to look at you.

“You don’t think that’ll hurt?”

“Not if you let me do it.” He knows you mean it won’t hurt if he just lets you do all the work.

“Alright.”

He rolls over and waits for you to get on top of him. You grip him again, lining up your center with his tip. You slowly sink down on top of him. You both let out a moan. You sit there a moment, getting used to him.

“Mother of fuck.” You say under your breath. He was just so big.

You lean forward slightly to grip the headboard. Harry thought you looked heavenly from this angle. You slowly lift yourself up, and slide back down him. His hands grip your hips, fingers imprinting into your skin. You eventually find a rhythm, and bounce up and down slowly on his cock. It was killing him not to move, but he was so lost in the expression on your face; pure bliss. You were grinding against him in just the right spot. He takes one of his hands to rub your clit, causing you to throw your head back.

You continue to grind against him slowly, your hands drift down to his shoulders, and you sink your nails in. He could feel your body tensing up the way it always did when you were close. You were moaning, pretty loud. You wouldn’t tell him this, but an orgasm from this angle was like no other.

“Baby, can I please move a bit, you’re killin’ me.”

“Inna second, oh shiiiiiiiittt.” You have a tranquil release, and pause your movements to catch your breath. “Okay.” You lean down on him, and wrap your arms around his shoulders. His hands slide down to your ass to grip you. “Proceed, BUT be careful, please.”

“Don’t worry, I gotcha.”

Harry’s hips thrust up inside you, and it feels absolutely amazing. His pace isn’t quite as slow as the one you were taking, but it wasn’t crazy fast either. You could feel his nails digging into your butt, and just the intense need he has for you. You use your hands to push yourself up. A confidence takes over you since everything is feeling good. You bounce on him while he thrusts up into you, both getting in sync.

“Fuck, you’re so sexy like this.” One of his hands slides up your body, reaching your cheek. You turn your face to kiss his palm.

You take his hand in yours and raise his fingers to your mouth. You kiss his index and middle finger before taking them into your mouth. You close your eyes and suck on them. Harry’s eyes nearly pop out of his head and his jaw drops. Who were you right now? You take his fingers out of your mouth. He grips the back of your neck, and pulls you down to him. His tongue goes into your mouth as his hands grip your hips to rock you faster on him.

“Fuck, Harry.” His dick is hitting that special spot inside. You sink your teeth into his neck, causing a growl to come from his lips.

“M’gonna come babe.”

You both were panting. Your back arches as you feel his hot come shoot up inside you at the same time your release comes. You collapse on top of him, you were exhausted having not ridden a dick in quite some time. He moves the hair that’s plastered to your forehead away, and kisses your hairline. You slightly lift up so he slip out of you, and you feel his come leak out of you. You feel a slight embarrassment since you were resting on one of his thighs. He was bound to feel it.

“You’re incredible.” He says, almost breathless. You look up at him. “I mean, just watching you go to town like that…” He runs a hand through his hair and looks down at you. “And then when you su-“

“Harry.” You cover his mouth with your hand, and hide your face in his chest. “Please, it’s too embarrassing.” He chuckles and rubs your back.

“Nothin’ to be embarrassed about.”

“I don’t even know why I did that…” You groan.

“It really turned me on, so please don’t second guess yourself.” He kisses the top of your head. “Sometimes when you’re in the heat of the moment, you just do things. Happens to me too.” You lean up and kiss him. “You did really well, took all of me no problem.”

“Right.” You didn’t have the heart to tell him that your vagina was throbbing. It was going to take you a while to get used to his size. Length is one thing, but the girth Harry had was just so thick.

“Do you feel safer on top?”

“I don’t know exactly.”

“Well, you didn’t get triggered.”

“I think it’s sort of like when we were just touching each other. Some things trigger and others don’t. I just happened to be fine this morning, and I’m thankful. Felt so good.”

“I’d love to lay in bed with you all day, but I don’t wanna waste our last day…”

“Me either. Let’s go get cleaned up. Then we can pack up, and enjoy the rest of the day.”

You get off of Harry, and step to get off the bed. You catch the blankets the wrong way, and end up slipping, and falling to your hands and knees.

“Shit!” Harry starts laughing. “This isn’t because of you, I slipped.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, love.”

You and Harry did some more sightseeing, and took a ton more pictures. You were feeling really clingy to him, so your hand never left his. He liked that you were being so affectionate. You could be so reserved in public sometimes. He liked putting your relationship on display.

“Wanna drive us back to the flat?”

“Really?!”

“Promised ya didn’t I?”

Harry hands you the keys, and you get it in. You drive slowly at first and laugh as you start to get the hang of it. He takes a video of you driving on your phone because he knows you’ll want to show everyone later.

“Expertly done.” He says as you pull into his flat.

You both feel sort of sad to be packing everything else up. But it’ll be nice to get home, and have a few more days off together. You and Harry plan to get him all moved in.

The ride to the airport is quiet, but comfortable. It was late, and you were both tired. Right now you were thankful your tickets were first class. You couldn’t wait to get cozy with Harry in the large seats. You drape your blankets over the both of you, and snuggle into his chest. This trip was better than you both ever could’ve expected.

#take it slow #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles y/n #harry styles y/n fic #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #fluff #smut #harry styles smut fic #harry styles fluff fic #how's a little aftermath for ya?#yall still invested in the story?#hope so cause i've got a lot more to say

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dennou-translations · 5 years ago

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Violet Evergarden Gaiden: Chapter 5

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“The Military School of Leidenschaftlich’s Army does not inquire people’s social ranks. The gates are open to all youths, and anyone at least fourteen years old can devote themselves to it regardless of their gender. National defense means protecting everything you love.”

Where had I seen a bulletin with these contents again? If I was certain, it had been in front of our business partner wholesale store, when I entered and exited it on an errand for my family. One particular sheet had been standing out on a board where the townsfolk stuck anything they felt like, from job hunts to searches for people. While biting into an apple that I had received from the store’s owner as recompense for the errand, my thirteen-year-old self had gazed at it intently. It was a good-quality paper rendered perfectly straight, firmly nailed by thumbtacks in all four corners. Pushed into the paper at the end of the text was a gold screw, as well as red sealing wax, bearing the emblem of Leidenschaftlich’s army.

As a child, I had thought that was a pretty cool life choice. How stupid. Even I would want to laugh at myself for being so naïve. Back then, I had not yet come to know the meaning of granting and taking away lives. Truth be told, once I tried becoming a soldier, reality ended up crushing many delusions of mine, but that’s a tale for later.

Let’s go back to my current story.

There were many reasons why I had decided that “yeah, I’ll become a soldier”. One was that I’m the second son of a merchant household, and since my older brother was the one who would take over the inheritances, I wasn’t needed there. Another one was that, as I had been raised in a big family, I wanted to hurry and become independent so that I could have my own space. Yet another was that the name my parents had given me was “Claudia”, which had made me think of wishing to become manly. Lastly, well... my older brother’s fiancée was a beautiful woman just my type, so I had wanted to keep a distance from her. The most important was that I desired to protect the family I loved but wanted to depart from, I guess.

The war had been progressively intensifying back then. A resources conflict between North and South. It was that one messy Continental War of a few years ago, where a religious confrontation between the West and the East became involved.

Leidenschaftlich was the continent’s southernmost extremity. If we had been attacked at that point, our defeat would have been certain and my family would likely have lost their lives. Because I was fond of my town and my people, and because I was fond of Leidenschaftlich, enlisting had been an inclination from my spontaneous feelings. The many things that had happened to me at the time boosted them... and so, I decided to become a soldier. I applied without telling my parents, and as for the entrance exam, I took it after lying that I was going to hang out with friends.

When a letter of acceptance was suddenly delivered by a postman to my home, my Pops beat the hell out of me. I hit him back, though. Pops was surprised at that. So was I. Like, “Pops is surprisingly weak”. During childhood, people think that their guardians are damn huge existences...

Yup. My parents had probably been worried. Choosing soldier as profession earns you a higher mortality rate than from leading a normal life.

In the Military School, all officers living inside the dorms was something enforced, so no one had a choice but let go of their parents. Still, I was stubborn, so I took a photo of my family with me as I left.

Two years after that, I guess, was when it happened. I met Gilbert.

Gilbert Bougainvillea and Claudia Hodgins

Do you know the true meaning of that flowering tree’s name?

They bloom every year. They’re planted all over the country as roadside trees, and when spring comes, lovely white buds sprout on them. When the petals fall, they form a pure-white carpet that never melts away. During that time, the colors of the city disappear like in a snowy country. People who go abroad have their mouths agape when coming back. You don’t see that sight anywhere else. No matter where I go, I remember that scenery whenever spring comes about. It’s like an extraordinarily fine woman that you get to spend only a single night with. If you listened to the music playing while the two of you were sleeping together, you’d remember her. Just like that, I’d reminisce to it. Whenever spring arrives, my memories summon the past along with the white of those flowers.

Gem-like emerald-green eyes hidden under a deeply burrowed military cap. Lifeless fingertips from pale hands that would not move after reaching out to the person walking away on him. Whispered words not conveyed.

I’d recall over and over again the Gilbert Bougainvillea of that time.

Gilbert... Gilbert Bougainvillea. Right, I started this story in order to talk about him. I spoke too much about myself. Let’s discuss him.

Bougainvillea, Bougainvillea. A clan named after a flower. If you live in this country and ask about the Bougainvillea family name, you’d know that it’s a famous family of military descent.

Didn’t you know? Statues and things like that of his ancestors are all over the city. After all, Leidenschaftlich has a history of having fought other nations that attacked and invaded it since the distant past. It’s easy for brilliant soldiers to be treated like legendary existences. It went to the point where it could be said that a soldier come from the Bougainvillea family was someone sure to take up employment. Even at present, this hasn’t changed.

He’s the young master of a well-off house. Actually, his bloodline is a high-class one. It also had matrimonial ties with the royal family of the monarchy period from before the country was administered by the military. The royal family is used as a symbol nowadays, though.

If times were better, he’s a person who we would not be allowed to talk about so casually. Yup, right on. This is why you exist now. They have that much power. Why I became friends with Gilbert, you ask?

It all began in early spring at the Military Service School of Leidenschaftlich.

The Military School was located near the national border. So that it could become a shield at the very front in case something happened, you see. The way it started from an all-seeing tower surrounded by a sturdy fort was just like a fortress city. If you went inside, you’d be sandwiched by narrow stone walls in a pathway that went on for long, and after passing through it, you’d finally be able to get out at the square. The city of Leiden was made like that too, right? If there was an attack, we’d defend it at the entrance, and then engage in confront at an open space.

Did you know that there’s a height limit to the buildings of Leiden? Most buildings were erected to the same height. But public institutions built inside the country were pretty big. Yup, that’s right. High-rise buildings were intentionally constructed in fixed intervals. For the sake of long-distance snipers. That’s the kind of country we live in. Hearing it that way, you might imagine it as some ostentatious building, but it’d turn into a beautiful thing when spring came. The roadside trees in our country will bud with white flowers every year, right? Yes, that kind. Strangely enough, its name is “bougainvillea”.

I don’t know why his household has that surname, but surely it’s got something to do with the fact that those vines were planted all over the country.

The completely white carpet that can be made out of those tiny flowers falling little by little is a gentle beauty. That sight is enough to be sometimes praised as the “residence of angel feathers”. Those vines surrounded the Military School in rows.

A few years after having enrolled into it, my hobby was going on idle strolls during that time of the year, so I was taking a walk. I got greeted by a passing freshman. “The place you’re about to enter is hell~,” I thought to myself while greeting back with a smile.

It was warm and pleasant under the lively sunlight, and just as it was about to melt the insides of my head, I found an eye-opening person. What kind of person was it? He was a beauty. Yep, he was... the kind of beauty that you don’t see around so often.

It was about as lengthy as yours. His long black hair formed a lenient curve and his eyes were a deep green. He had handsome facial features that gave off an androgynous impression, but the long limbs that he was gifted with and his well-trained body looked pretty cool in the white naval uniform he was dressed in. That’s what people would say. He was the kind of man that other men would fall for on sight, so to speak. That was the kind of person he was.

He was arguing with someone. As the two were side-by-side, I could soon tell they were siblings. The big discrepancy was that the boy who was presumably the younger brother was the one with a more awe-inspiring look. The two had not noticed that a passerby like me was walking their way.

It was weird for a guy wearing a naval uniform to be in front of the army’s Military School in the first place. They piqued my interest, so I couldn’t help standing there to eavesdrop. I could hear what they were talking about in bits.

“Brother, you’re selfish.”

“It’s for your sake; understand it, Gil.”

“Why do you never tell me anything?”

“Then cut off our ties as brothers.”

“All I ever do is say yes.”

When the younger brother said so, I got sad and felt like siding with him. I was at loss, so I stayed as a spectator.

After a while, the two stopped yelling at each other, and the older brother deliberately took off the military cap that the younger one was wearing, reached a hand toward his head and patted it messily. The younger brother was making a face that seemed like he was frustrated from the bottom of his heart. As if to hide that face, the older brother buried the cap deep onto the other’s head, turned his back to him and left. He didn’t even turn to look at the younger brother, who was probably crying.

I felt bad for the boy and tried to go talk to him. But when I saw him raising his lowered head, I stopped. He wasn’t crying. As if none of the emotions that were there until just then had ever existed, his expression became cold and he went through the gates of the Military School.

That was the first instant I saw Gilbert. I had never seen a boy make a face like that before, so I just continued staring at his back as if I had grown senile.

It became the topic that a son of the family of national heroes had enrolled as the top student among the freshmen that year. I had skipped the freshmen’s entrance ceremony and didn’t see anything, so I had no idea, but thinking back about it now, that was him.

Despite all of us being fellow students, we didn’t get to interact with each other if our school years were different. Even if we had joined training, it was impossible to make a distinction since it was just men. What caused the occasion for us to properly meet face-to-face was a small incident.

The ratio of enrollment in the Army Service School of Leidenschaftlich was of seven men to every three women. The women’s duties were normally of telegraph soldiers or replenishment troops, so our curriculums were different, and of course, our dorms were separate too. Our curriculum? Running, running, running. Building muscle. Firing guns, firing, firing, running, running, running. A repetition of that. The rest was classroom lectures. We’d learn how to form strategies, set up camps and use communication equipment. There were also the subjects learned at ordinary schools like normal. The girls had it easier than us, but it didn’t change that it was hard for everyone.

Guys and girls who devoted themselves to national defense day and night getting into relationships away from the eyes of our demon-like instructors was something, well, natural. After all, we didn’t have any other form of amusement. Romance was an amusement.

I’d also played around with countless people myself, but I never had a love that went as far as making my body burn. In that point, I’m sure I might’ve never had a true love. I never stuck to only one person. I like all women, so loving just one feels weird.

No biggie for me. Romance was a diversion anyhow. But diversions can cause some pretty dangerous stuff to follow you around. There were times when it was just pleasure for me but the other person was betting their life on it.

Maybe due to that attitude of mine being the one to blame, one of the girls I had fooled around with pushed a letter of challenge onto me. A letter of challenge. Do you know them? Letters with contents like, “I hate you very much”, “I’ll send you flying”, “Be here on X day of X month”. That’s right. There are letters like those in the world too.

It seemed she was going out with me with the intention of getting married. I had no idea. No, really. I didn’t even lay a hand on her, y’know? Did we ever go as far as kissing? I’m serious, I tell you. Kissing is a greeting to me.

“I’ve got no choice but to apologize wholeheartedly for this in my own way.” Just as I thought so, when I went to the place I had been called over to, there he was. Who?

Gilbert Bougainvillea.

That boy I had seen on the day of the entrance ceremony, standing fleetingly in the middle of those white flowers with his head hanging down, was there. From the very start, he had been piercing me with a scornful emerald-green gaze as I walked over. He was fourteen, I was sixteen.

“Are you Claudia Hodgins?” was the first thing he said. Just like his face, his voice was gallant.

At fourteen years of age, Gilbert somewhat gave off the feeling of a small adult. His black hair was settled down in a way that not a single thread would dishevel. He had dignified facial traits even though he was young. From his voice tone to his gestures, the man named Gilbert Bougainvillea was already pre-made. He had come from a family of soldiers, so from his point of view, maybe the Military School was just an extension of his home.

Surrounded by trees under the shadow of the school building, those training barracks were a place that didn’t have any popularity, but other than Gilbert, the girl who had sent me the letter of challenge and quite a number of onlookers were there too.

“Don’t say ‘Claudia’ ever again. If I get called by this name, it’ll turn into a chronic toothache for me. And you are…?”

“I’m Gilbert Bougainvillea. I’m your junior, but in this situation, I’m in a position equal to yours as her representative in the duel that she requested. Therefore, I will be omitting honorifics and protect her dignity as just a man. I shall be your opponent in her stead.”

He was a kid with way of talking that quite reeked of seriousness, I thought. I was also a child with not too big a difference in age from him, but if a fourteen-year-old boy talked like that, you’d be surprised, right? More than anything, I was surprised at that fateful chance meeting. I had only seen him for a moment, but the Gilbert of that time and that scenery of white flowering trees had stayed seared into my heart, and he was a person remarkable enough to make you remember him unintentionally out of the blue.

I beckoned him with a, “C’mere, c’mere” and whispered into his ear, “Gilbert – can I call you Gilbert? Why’s an underclassman like you getting involved in the fight between me and that girl? Are you her new boyfriend and got mad after she told you about me?”

“I don’t mind being called Gilbert. You’re wrong about that. I’m not her lover. I just happened to come across her when she was crying by coincidence, and after I heard about her circumstances, I was put in charge of representing her in the duel. I’m also not willing to fight an upperclassman... one that I don’t hold a personal grudge against, to boot... but I have no choice. If she will be at ease with this, I mean. It seems you’re a pretty terrible man.”

I looked at the girl who was the source of that comedy-rather-than-tragedy over Gilbert’s shoulder. I didn’t have any memory of our relationship being anything other than drinking tea together a number of times.

“What’d she say I’ve done to her?”

“The kind of indecent things that I can’t say aloud at all.”

I was so embarrassed at being called “indecent” by that boy that I couldn’t bear it.

“I didn’t do it; I definitely didn’t do it. There’re girls who’ve slept by my side, but I haven’t slept with that one. We’ve dated. But I haven’t laid a hand on her. I guess I’ve so much as kissed her on the cheek. But relatives do that too, right?”

“Then, why would she lie to me?”

“‘Cause she wants to catch my attention, doesn’t she?”

“And probably yours too,” I added in my mind.

“If she tried to catch your attention with ill intent, it wouldn’t be effective, would it?”

At that statement, I felt the cleverness of the young Gilbert, but at the same time, I thought he was a child who still didn’t know what the crudeness of the world was like.

“Gilbert, you’ve never gone out with a woman before, have you? There’re two paths that guys and girls broken by love go through most of the times: to get attached or to hate each other. When one hates the other, they try to push the other down both social and materially.”

“Even though it’s someone they fell for?”

“It’s exactly because it’s someone they fell for.”

Gilbert furrowed his brows, looking troubled, and then turned his back to me, saying he was going to properly ask the girl once again about her story. He was a serious guy.

I grabbed his arm and prevented him from doing it. “Listen, Gilbert-boy, this is a fight that you got involved in because of some boring sense of justice. Act out your role until the end. If you don’t, you won’t get to protect her dignity, right?”

“It’s not ‘boy’. Are you... okay with this? If what you said is true, you’d be accusing yourself of a wrongdoing that you didn’t commit and fighting for no reason. And it’d mean that I’m being lied to and used by her. Seems so foolish...”

“With all due respect, Young Master, but there’s a limit to how much of a goody-two-shoes you can be to accept being someone’s duel representative in itself, and I think it’s also a foolish action, y’know?”

“It seems I’ll have to shoot your words back at you as well and I’m sorry for that, but there’s no way anyone could not listen to a lady’s story if they saw her crying along the way... even if the result of it weren’t something good.”

Gilbert had whispered coldly with a bitter expression, but I mostly got a positive impression from that reply. He was a young man with a will that you’d rarely see in recent years.

I took the hand of the arm that I had been holding and forcefully shook it. Perhaps because I swung it too broadly, his body rocked along with the swaying of the handshake.

“I agree with that. What, so you’re an appreciator too? A women praiser?”

“I was merely educated like that by my parents.”

He was just a high-pedigree dog. I felt let down.

“That so? Well, it’s fine. Anyway, from your words just now, the points that our interests have in common became clear. What’s important here isn’t the face-saving of guys who got rounded up for a fight, but the feelings of a girl broken by love. She wants to feel better by giving me a blow, right? Why don’t we do that?”

“You’re saying you’ll lose on purpose?”

“I committed the sin of making a girl cry. I can do as much as let my face lie on the ground and get some mud on it.”

The shade of disdain in his eyes of a rare emerald-green color disappeared and I could see a bit of admiration sprout in them. “By the looks of it, I’ve misunderstood you. My deepest apologies for speaking impolitely to you, my senior.”

“No problem at all. We’re the ones who got you involved in the conflict.”

“It’s my first time in a duel like this and I don’t know how it goes, so it’d be helpful if you could tell me.”

“We can hit each other however we see fit and I’ll fall down after they watch us roll over, so twist my arm or something and end it there. I’ll act in a way that the onlookers will know it’s your win.”

“Speaking of which, do you know who those spectators are?”

“Gambling customers I called over. I’ll get twenty percent of the earnings from the leader of the gamblers, so it’s half of that for you and me.”

“I take back everything I said before. I’ll knock you down.” I didn’t understand very well why, but Gilbert started referring rudely to me and clearly ruined the mood.

Then, the gong of the fight resounded with a “clang, clang, clang”. Having grown tired of waiting for us since we wouldn’t stop talking, the boss of the gamblers played a battle-start tune with a pot and ladle. My relationship with Gilbert began originally from that fistfight.

“You’d better regret starting this stupid wager,” Gilbert cursed upon me, letting go of the stand-up collar of his school uniform’s jacket onto the ground.

We both measured a chance for the first blow. In contrast to me, who firmly kept my arms glued to my sides and balled my fists, Gilbert shook his arms as if adapting them.

——What? I’ve never seen this stance before.

Since my older brother and Pops used to throw fists with me and I to throw back by way of playing around, and since there was also a time when I would do nothing but get into fights in the city, that type of fistfight was part of my lifework. I was totally thinking that my opponent would come at me with Leidenschaftlich army-style martial arts. After all, he was the son of a family of soldiers. If you were to talk about martial arts learned by men who lived in Leiden, that was it. But Gilbert’s stance was different.

My principle in fights was to first observe the other’s attitude with non-aggressive defense. Following that principle, I waited for my opponent’s move. Yet it seemed that the same applied to Gilbert, so we just sluggishly watched each other’s battle preparation. When the audience jeered at us to “hurry and start beating each other”, I clicked my tongue.

The performance was important for the gambling. Left without a choice, I struck him with a big kick after drawing my leg to behind my back as a test. He dodged once. I hit his tight the second time, but he acted as if nothing had happened. The third time, he grabbed my foot and knocked me down face-up just like that. He dealt me a series of consecutive straight punches to the stomach after dropping onto me. It wasn’t a heavy attack, given that he was a boy who still weighted light, but it could make even my eight-pack abs scream.

It’d be boring if I lost in that way, right?

Taking advantage of my flexibility, which had a favorable reputation with the girls, I squeezed his neck with my legs and twisted him upturned to the side. He was light, you see. Being light also means being astute. He escaped from my leg technique smooth and quickly. We both stood back up to readying ourselves once again.

“Hodgins, don’t play around! We’re betting on you!”

“You two, don’t get injured because of me!”

“That’s the spot! Do it, do it, do it!”

The spectators were loud, but even as I heard them, it all only came in from one ear and left from the other. That was because my senses of sight, smell and many others were directed at Gilbert Bougainvillea.

Maybe having finished studying my way of fighting, Gilbert started actively hitting me. Of course, I also counter-attacked and hit him back. Nothing to be proud of, but my fists are heavy and they hurt. An attack where I socked with all of the weight in my body, which was a congregation of muscles that I had polished, would usually cause my opponents to collapse after I hit them three times, but I didn’t manage to settle it on him straight away.

Gilbert had converted his battle style into one of simultaneous offense and defense. I hit him. While Gilbert covered with one hand, he at the same time shoved his other fist into my stomach. It wasn’t just that his movements were agile. His fighting method was something you couldn’t manage unless you had trained a lot. To top it off, even though that guy was getting hit, he had a face like he wasn’t feeling a thing.

“Gilbert, where’d you learn that stuff?”

Gilbert sleekly avoided both my kick and my question, “Well, where was it again?”

——You really fourteen?

Just as those words had come up to my throat, Gilbert said, “Let’s end this already.”

Gilbert’s fists suddenly became heavy. Annoyingly enough, it seemed he had been holding back until then. He came aiming accurately for my body’s vitals with a calm expression – so dirty of him. I became defensive-only and eventually fell on my ass. Gilbert looked down at me from above with a face that said, “Now, lose just like you wanted”.

“Gilbert, you’d better review your attitude towards your elders.”

By then, I’d forgotten that I had to lose on purpose. I surrendered my body to the blood going up my head, raised it from my position of having collapsed onto the ground, placed my hands on the soil, and rammed his beautiful face hard with a lateral kick using as much strength as possible. That was my favorite stunt. A tactic I didn’t use for just anything.

The one who had rolled onto the ground now was Gilbert. I merrily mounted him and punched his body. Enveloped in a swirl of excitement, the onlookers rose in whispers. It was also a pleasure for me to hold down the guy that had been scorning at me until just a few seconds before.

No, wait a minute. Stop judging me with those big eyes of yours! This is the past. A story about the past! Yep, yep, listen closely to the continuation, ‘kay?

While I became absorbed with self-satisfaction and beat the crap out of Gilbert, with no regard for appearances, Gilbert grabbed a handful of dirt from nearby and smacked it into my eyes. It also got in my mouth. Tasted of earth. I spat it together with saliva.

“Bastard, that was unfair!”

“Tell that to yourself.”

Unexpected, quite unexpected. Apparently, he’d do anything to win. I thought he had seemed like a more scrupulous guy.

He pushed me aside and made an escape, and after taking a large distance, he swiftly did an approach run and came back my way. What I could see with my field of vision clouded by the dirt were the shoe soles of his military boots.

First of all, his right foot sent a blow to my chest, and as my body rotated midair, his left leg kicked for the second and third times, then his right leg attacked me again after I had rotated once. Having received three kicks in a row in the span of an instant, I collapsed onto my back.

——What kinda attack is this?!

Above thinking of it as terrifying, irritating or anything like that, I honestly thought it was “cool”. Nowadays, I know there are people of superhuman fighting races such as you and Benedict, so I wouldn’t be too shocked if I were shown a feat like that. But back then, it was impactful for me. Yeah, it was impactful.

Gilbert Bougainvillea was to me a new type of human being who had suddenly revealed himself. His rotational kicks hadn’t overwhelmed just my body. He took my heart too.

What we did after that? Beat each other muddily without paying any mind to the observers. Tired of waiting for the outcome of the match, everyone gradually left.

It seemed the girl who was the center of the whirlpool at that time had attempted playing tragic heroine at the beginning, but one of the onlookers came to talk to her midway, and she hit it off with him and vanished. The only ones watching in the end were a friend of mine who the head of the gamblers had trusted with the task and people with too much free time.

“Hey, when are they gonna settle it?”

We didn’t settle it.

At last, it was decided that we were at a tie and both of us were sent to the infirmary. Our fight was found out too, so the two of us had to take penal regulations on cordial terms with each other from our group of instructors. As to prioritize the medical treatment of our injuries, the disciplinary measures were the light punishment of ordering us clean up the bathrooms of every facility.

I had done something bad to him. It would’ve been fine if I had just lost right away, yet I got serious... Well, he’d gotten serious too, so it wasn’t just my fault in that point. No, I’m sorry. It was my fault.

In a way, I apologized, but Gilbert said with a look of disdain that he never again wanted to be involved with me when we were cleaning the bathrooms. There was no helping that, since his brilliant school history, which had been about to start from there, ended up being tainted by the fight that he had with a senior as soon as he enrolled. We were of different ages and had different personalities too. The truth was that we were supposed to be alienated from each other.

You’re here now because this didn’t happen.

Ever since the fight had ended, I stalked Gilbert. Calling it “stalking” is heavy-handed, but thinking back about how I was at the time, no matter how you look at it, there’s no way of wording it other than that.

“Gilbert, I’ll treat you. See, as an apology for back then.”

“Not necessary.”

“You’re reserved with others, huh. We both took the same punishment, right? No need for formal language. You using that at this stage of the game makes me feel itchy. I’ll introduce you to a girl, then. What’s your type? And the breast size?”

“I’m begging you, don’t follow me.”

I’d invite him for meals despite his unwillingness, have him learn the taste of adulthood through alcohol that I had managed to get my hands on in secret, and occasionally bicker with him. I was also the one who taught him how to smoke. He didn’t know most of the general forms of amusement, so even when I taught him card games, the reactions he’d show were entertaining. Soon enough, the guys from my year that I hung out with started doting on him too.

Gilbert was the type that older people got attached to. But what I’m talking about is a different way of showing affection. I mean, he wasn’t affectionate. I guess the right way to put it is that he piqued my interest.

From the get-go, I had been so, so interested in him that I couldn’t help myself.

About that, the same could be said of you. I’m not hitting on you, though. Huhu, not hitting on you.

It was different from that... In retrospect, ours might’ve been a relationship where I did nothing but chase after him. He was kind of... a hard-to-figure person. Though he had a strong sense of justice, he was rather cold-blooded, and if he had a reason that compelled him to gain victory in a given situation even if through an unfair move, he’d do it just fine. He had a man-of-character side to him, but he was also self-interested and prideful. He had a charm that drew people to him, but he himself didn’t have much interest in others. He was a man who only ever thought about how he’d tread the pure-white path towards his own future that had been laid out to him.

I once asked what had been best out of the things that I taught him. “Smoking. It’s not bad as a means of exchanging information,” was what he said.

I found out why he had turned out like that later on. It feels awkward to tell you about this, but it’s an episode that can’t be left out if we’re talking about his past.

Gilbert Bougainvillea had a fiancée.

He told me that when I was about to graduate. At the time, we were in a state where the two of us hanging out with each other was something that looked extremely normal to the people around us.

What happened? Well, nothing. Just a repetition of the same stuff. I’d follow Gilbert around, tease him, give in most of the time, occasionally apologize to Gilbert... We became normal friends.

The instructions had told me severely, “Don’t pay mind to the Bougainvillea heir” and things like that, but I didn’t listen to them. Gilbert had also seemed to warn me with a “don’t get involved with me”, but I didn’t listen to him either. In that point, I wasn’t a good kid. I probably knew him better than his buddies of the same age as him did. That’s exactly why learning such new information when I was already going to graduate had been so shocking to me.

He came to talk to me during a recess day in the Military School. Said he had a favor to ask.

“I’m going to eat out with my fiancée right now... Can’t you come too? We’re in a slightly complicated situation, so I want to request the help of a third party.”

“I’ll go. Of course I’ll go. Hah? Speaking of which, you up and got a fiancée behind my back? Since when? ‘Since six years ago’? You—How old were you back then? ‘Ten’? Why didn’t you tell me?! Could it be you’ve been going on dates with her or something during the holidays without me knowing? You have? Gilbert, you bastard!” I followed him while saying stuff like that.

We properly took written permission to leave campus, making meticulous arrangements. Even though he had intended to take me along from the beginning, the part of earning consent was just like him.

The meeting spot was a small café located halfway the road from the Military School to Leiden. I’d also gone there sometimes to have tea. The shop had a nice feeling to it.

Well, we met her there. Skip. All right, next topic.

Eh? What kind of person was she, you ask? Hm~, I don’t wanna talk about that. If I were forced to say it, she gave off the feeling of a Young Mistress from a fine household. Didn’t seem like she went out... I really don’t want to talk about her. Why...? Because I feel Gilbert would definitely get mad at me.

As for why he had called me... just like he had said, they were in a slightly complicated situation.

At the beginning, the fiancée wasn’t Gilbert’s. There’s that older brother of his, and the brother was the one supposed to take over the family inheritances, but – who knows what he was thinking – he had enrolled into the navy’s Military School as practically a runaway. That even though the men of their family are set to join the army.

Since you’re an ex-soldier, you know about it, right? Though both are national defense organs, there’s this unseen ditch between the army and the navy. Like in the ratio of defense expenditures and stuff. It’s an adults’ problem.

Yeah. Looks like the Big Bro didn’t get along well with his family. I heard he had a spontaneous personality. With that, it was doubtlessly painful for him to have grown up in an authoritarian household. Thinking about it now, the man that had been with Gilbert when I first saw him had been that very brother. And the Big Bro had run away from home, so everything was pushed onto the ten-year-old Gilbert, because both his parents had decided he was going to be the family head and made Gilbert take over the fiancée too.

This is rude to both of them, but they gave off a feeling of keeping a distance from each other. Unlike his brother, Gilbert was the kind of guy who wouldn’t suffer if pressured to live as the role model of the Bougainvilleas... so everyone around him naturally chose to place their expectations on him instead of rectifying his brother. It seemed that Gilbert was also cherishing the fiancée, in his own Gilbert way. But the fiancée had a wish, and Gilbert decided to fulfill it.

Eloping. The thing that men and women would do to oppose the flow of the world and escape from their status in the social ladder to satisfy their love.

Not with Gilbert. You see, the fiancée... had tried to fall for Gilbert, but hadn’t managed to. And then she fell for another guy. A butler from her house, she had said. It was romance, after all.

Making him listen with ridiculous earnestness while his own fiancée confessed this to him and then going as far as requesting him to help her elope had been insensitive of her. But Gilbert had acknowledged it with a two-worded response and summoned me for an assistance plan.

When listening to the story, I wondered if he actually had the function called emotions running inside his body.

I wanted to scold his fiancée. Like, “You go do as you please on your own”, “Don’t get Gilbert involved”. But Gilbert started studying escape routes into other countries with shit-eating seriousness.

“The access from the border is monitored strictly. Hodgins, your home was a store that also deals with imported goods, right? Of course, it probably also has permission from the government to ship them. Couldn’t you have them mixed in and get them out of the country? If it’s possible, we could change the migration route to water transportation afterward... and avoid the conflict zones, no matter how much of a detour it is,” he said, dispassionate and business-like. “How much can you spend? It’s better for you to convert into money every possession that you can manage freely while there’s time. This or you can make wheat into products of your preference... That won’t be enough. It’s uncertain whether you’ll be able to set up a basis for your livelihood right away. I understand. I’ll provide aid too. No, this much is just... There’s the whole matter with my brother, after all.”

The more level-headed Gilbert remained, the more rage bubbled up and erupted inside me.

The conversation that had my help as prerequisite came to an end. On the way back, I asked Gilbert if he didn’t like her. If he didn’t feel even just a little bit of sadness or irritation at those circumstances – they had been engaged for several years, after all, no matter whether it was something that their parents had decided.

Gilbert, who had been walking silently, looked my way. The flowering trees that painted the roads white in early spring had lost their petals and were dyed green. Yet even though we were in a world with a different scenery, as expected, Gilbert was reflected in my eyes as a remarkably exceptional existence.

With the corners of his lips curling up just a little, Gilbert said, “The fact that there’s no meaning in chasing someone who’s departing has been drilled into my body with my brother’s case.” Again, he was aloof. His mouth moved as if being made to speak borrowed words. “I can’t say I don’t have empathy for her, but... if I were asked whether I have attachment, I don’t. That person wasn’t mine from the very start.”

“‘Yours’, you say... You...”

“Bad way of wording it, huh. It’s not like I’m referring to her as a property because she’s a woman or anything.”

“No, that’s not it... You...”

Aah, so this is it, I thought.

——Since it’s you, you’re always...

I felt for the first time right then that I’d come in contact with the essence of the person named Gilbert Bougainvillea.

——That’s why, even if you’re surrounded by a big number of people, you’re always...

That guy didn’t have a sense of attachment.

——No matter how much positivity you get or how praised you are...

It’s possible that his brother who had left was the one he had some sort of attachment towards. But even if it weren’t just that, he was surely...

——You look alone.

...a person who had gotten used to giving up on things. That’s why he treated all sorts of matters and people in a measured way. Even if his true intentions weren’t so.

“To begin with, we’ve caused trouble for their daughter thanks to my brother. Doing this much is nothing.”

——But where do your feelings go?

“Our parents will certainly have something to say about it, but mine will just match me with someone new to become my wife.”

——Aren’t you disturbed by having the person that will accompany you for the rest of your life decided for you like a board game piece?

“The eldest son of her household is the one who will take over the inheritances, so there’ll be no problem for them other than their reputation. If they can continue being related to us through my generation, it’ll be solved with that.”

No matter how much Gilbert talked in order to convince me, I never said, “That’s right”.

The one by my side was a young man still in his teens. He was a child who, as a result of being demanded reasonability, didn’t look for meaning in his own existence other than just as something “convenient” for people. He saw himself and others as nothing but assets.

“I was... happy that you had a fiancée, still. I did get pissed at you for hiding it from me, though.” For some reason, I was the one who’d gotten sad and my voice broke into falsetto because of suppressed tears. Gilbert asked what was wrong, but I deceived him by pretending to cough.

You know, I had... seen Gilbert’s future. No matter how much glory he achieved, or how long he walked through a brilliant path without deviating from it, there’d be hardly anything left in the palm of his hands. Throwing things and people away when he had no business with them and not caring if he himself were thrown away, he would merely continue treading the narrow, risky, pure-white path that had been laid out to him in a world of complete darkness. But he’d likely cross it in an extremely beautiful way, more skillfully than anyone.

What his hands were holding onto was already nothing but guns.

I’m a selfish person. Which is why I was simply sad at the truth that, even though I thought of Gilbert as my number one friend, it was probably not the same for him.

Yeah, the eloping was a success.

I have no idea where those two are or what they’re doing now, but they trampled over my friend’s dignity, so I hope they’re happy. The aftermath was full of trouble, but the problem with the Bougainvillea heir’s fiancée running away soon wiped out.

Gilbert’s Old Man had died all of a sudden.

Just as we pushed the rude lovebirds into my family’s business truck and the two of us came back with nonchalant faces like, “My, my, it’s over”, an instructor called Gilbert to stop him, his facial expression altered.

“Where have you been? What were you doing? We were looking for you. He passed away. You didn’t make it to his last moments.”

The instructor must’ve been panicking too. He bombarded the stunned Gilbert with a hail of words mayhem. Gilbert did get agitated, but not confused. He’s the kind of guy who can cut off his emotions and do what he’s supposed to do. He said he understood and immediately went back to his home.

I wasn’t allowed to accompany him, leaving the campus only with permission to go to the funeral. My relatives were mostly healthy people, so my first time attending someone’s burial was the one of Gilbert’s Old Man. As I nervously went to it, there he was before me, performing the role of chief mourner with a grounded appearance... Gilbert, who had become the head of the Bougainvilleas in both name and substance, was discreetly clearing his throat.

“Why, if I knew this would happen, they wouldn’t have had to elope... Now that their main obstacle is gone, I could have pulled out of it... I’ve done that person wrong,” he said.

He called his father an “obstacle”.

That was surely because of the way Gilbert had been raised, as a “tool” of the Bougainvillea family who would give continuation to the household. He had been treated in a way so that he’d live as a strategic arrangement for the prosperity of the clan. It had swerved him. People give back what others do to them.

The closer you are to him, the better you understand. He’s a kind-hearted but lonely guy. Even though he’s got a cute face when he laughs, he hardly does so. He knows it’s not something suitable of his role.

I thought that when I... when I... died... either this, or if I ever disappeared from before him... the only thing I didn’t want was for him to treat me like an object. I couldn’t take it.

Whenever the dices of fate rolled in his emerald-green eyes, he didn’t see anything other than a windingly stretched future. He’d just earnestly stare at a path that wasn’t the one of a human being.

Was there ever gonna come a day that a man like him would chase after someone? Somebody – anyone would do. Someone, someone. A person that he wouldn’t be able not to be affectionate with.

Would he ever get to have that?

Hodgins cut the words short at that point, reaching out his hand. His fingertips touched the hair of Violet, who was tucked in her bed. He slowly ripped off a thread that had become sticky due to sweat.

“Then, President Hodgins, after you graduated... when... did you reunite with that person?”

Upon being requested a continuation of the story with long wheezy breaths typical of those whose bronchi were suffering, Hodgins gave a strained smile. He stood up from the chair he had been sitting on, placing the blanked that stopped at Violet’s chest securely up to her neck. “Let’s continue this after you’re cured from your cold,” he whispered with utmost tenderness and a soft gaze. The ends of his statement overflowed with an affection similar to paternity.

They were inside a room large enough for two people to live in. It had light blue flowery wallpaper and a chandelier decorated with violas. On a round table sitting at the center of the room, there were boxes, bags and fruits baskets wrapped in ways that made clear they were get-well gifts. The interior of the bedroom was not too cold, yet wood burned in the fireplace, popping into sparks with a snap. The windows, which had its curtains closed, shook clatteringly due to the wind. The needles of the room’s clock pointed an hour just before evening.

“This surprises even me. I wonder if it is because I have distanced myself from the battlefields... To think I would grow this weak. My apologies for not managing to keep control of my health.”

“What’re you saying? The reason why you had a fever was that the difference in temperature got to you, right? The place you were commissioned to was a northernmost land, after all... Sorry for making you push yourself. Don’t mind it and go to sleep, ‘kay?” while speaking, he gently caressed the slightly dark circles under Violet’s blue eyes with his index finger. It was not as if they would disappear with that at all, but it was a display of his wish for them to do so. “We’re keeping in touch with the clients that booked you, and most of them want to rely on you even if you’re late, so there weren’t any cancellations to the requests. Don’t worry about anything and take your time, Little Violet. You look pretty tired.”

“I shall cure myself soon. By tomorrow even.”

“No can do, no can do. Take at least three days to rest from work counting with today. ‘Cause I’ll come over after these three days to decide whether or not you’ll be in condition to go back. Sorry for forbidding visits from the others.”

“No, it would be terrible if they caught this. President Hodgins, you too... My apologies for having you talk about so many things in addition to making you come here... I have caused you to stay too long.”

“I’m fine. If catching it would cure you, Little Violet, then I’d rather catch it. After all... I was something like your foster parent, though for a short while. Isn’t that right?”

“Yes.”

At that response, Hodgins smiled with his whole face. “The book that Little Lux asked me to give you is in the brown package. I ended up seeing the contents, and turns out it’s a popular romance novel. If your eyes get tired, make sure to stop reading immediately.”

“Yes.”

“The rest is from the members of the company. Benedict told me to say ‘take care’. Cattleya’s scheduled to be back tomorrow, but even if she comes here on her own accord, you shouldn’t keep her company.”

“Yes.”

“Tell the people here at home if there’s anything you want me to do. I’ll leave work and rush over.”

“No, Lux would cry, so please do your job.”

Hodgins bid his farewells and attempted giving her a kiss on the cheek, but his lips were blocked by the palm of a hand burning with heat. As he asked with a sad voice if she did not want it, Violet replied that he could catch her cold, so it was dangerous.

Intentionally making a noise, he kissed the palm covering his lips. “G’night, Little Violet.”

“Good night, President Hodgins.”

Silently leaving the room, Hodgins walked through the broad corridor with a quick pace. On the way, he informed a passing servant of his intention to take his leave. His aspect of haste also showed after that in the way he drove his car.

Perhaps because the residence he had visited was located away from the capital Leiden, the Sun was about to set when he arrived to the city. The madder red sky was gradually starting to envelop itself in dark colors.

By the looks of it, today was a day of strong winds. Hodgins’s classic car swayed unsteadily during the fear-inspiring journey.

The place Hodgins headed to was a lodging facilities district in a place a little out of the townscape of Leidenschaftlich’s capital, Leiden. Inside it, there were not only the types of inn that one could stop by unexpectedly without reservations but also inns that one could not pass through the gates into the site unless an inviter let them. The kind of inn that he rang the bell of was exactly the latter.

The first floor was the entrance for the residents, as well as the level of employees who carried out the administration of everything. There were five floors above it. Despite the single-storied buildings being tall and three-floor ones being mainstream, the building could be considered quite a high-rise amongst them. Only contractors could live in each floor. It was a high-class one-floor-rent inn, where the bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens, etc. had all been designed in a luxurious fashion. Even just a one-night stay required quite a sum. Incidentally, the residents were chosen ones.

As he rang the bell of the top floor’s apartment, there were footsteps from the inside.

“Who might it be?”

Hodgins grinned at the well-mannered words. “It’s me. The little fox who saved you on that day.”

“I don’t have a fox for acquaintance.” The voice of the residence’s owner suddenly grew lower as he recognized the other person.

“Then, the one who threw fists with you in our first meeting on that day, Hodgins.”

“Wait there. I’ll open now.”

The chosen resident who opened the oak door with a gun at hand was a man past his twenties at the prime of his working life, as well as the head of a family that no one knew not of within Leidenschaftlich’s army. Despite it being the middle of the night, he was dressed in his military uniform. Only his collar was loose, unbuttoned at the neck. Perhaps due to him having no time to rest, his hair, usually combed down flatly over his forehead, lay disheveled and he had grown a stubble. He had also removed his eyepatch, displaying his lacerated eye.

“How’s Violet?”

Hodgins shrugged at the words said to him the instant their gazes met. “‘Hodgins, you’ve worked hard late into the night. Good evening.’ – Can’t you ask after you tell me that?”

“Hodgins, you’ve worked hard late into the night. Good evening... I’m exhausted.”

Unable to bear the look that said, “Just tell me the situation already”, he answered, “It’s just a cold. I told you not to worry, didn’t I? If you’re gonna visit her tomorrow, isn’t it useless getting a report from me?”

“I was concerned...”

Maybe because he had been reminiscing to the past, he felt that the current Gilbert had become quite amicable. To think that he, who used to be so prickly during his boyhood, now loved somebody. Hodgins bit down a laughter that suddenly came out of him.

“Hey, what was that? Why did you laugh?”

“I didn’t. By the way, it seems so expensive here... Did you finish paying for the place you were living in a while ago?”

“I’m renting it for a cheap price thanks to my household’s connections. I’m in the middle of looking for an apartment... so this is a temporary residence. I was... moving houses periodically so that Violet wouldn’t find me before, but the need for that is gone...”

After the train hijacking incident, Gilbert apologized to Hodgins and the Evergarden family, stopped hiding himself and continued interacting with Violet. The two were working things out with each other.

As one was a colonel of the army and one was a demanded Auto-Memories Doll, they had little time to meet. The moments and places where they could be alone with each other were valuable.

“Aah, no wonder you wouldn’t want to go back to the main residence where your honorable mother and sisters are.”

Gilbert nodded. “I don’t want to call her over there... Hodgins, you telling me about her situation directly has helped me out. Come in.”

He probably was truly tired. The words he uttered had frequent pauses.

Hodgins was let into the largest room. Perhaps because the lights inside said room were not properly lit, it was dark. Only a lamp sitting on a chest in a corner of the room illuminated the area around it.

“Don’t open the window. The papers will fly.”

The desk in front of the chair that Hodgins silently sat on had an awl, binding rope and piled-up documents. There were also other things, such as sealing wax, a fountain pen and stationery left half-written. A heap of letters tied with rope lay next to the stationary.

Showing a face of surprise, Hodgins quietly reached a hand toward the stationary. Gilbert had left him and gone to the kitchen. While reading the stationary, Hodgins asked with a placid expression, “Were you sleeping?”

The sound of a clock’s corkscrew ensued.

“Yeah, until just a bit ago. Hodgins, I’m going to make dinner, but will you eat it?”

“Huun, you were pretty worn-out, huh. It’s gonna be a feast. Gilbert, you gonna be having a drink while you cook?”

A sweet scent had suddenly drifted towards him.

“I’m not you... I’ll put it in the food.”

“So you do stuff like cooking.”

“I do it when my friend comes over at least.”

The eyes that had been reading stopped completely and Hodgins turned his head to the direction of the kitchen. Gilbert was not visible from that room.

“Liar. You’re simply hungry ‘cause you just woke up, aren’t you?” Hodgins spoke with a smile in his voice, yet he was by no means smiling.

“Then I’ll eat all this by myself.”

“Y’know, you’ve been calling me ‘friend’ out of the blue lately. What kinda service is that?”

“‘Lately’...? Is that so? But what other definition should I use? We’ve had this relationship for over a decade. Why is calling you my friend a service?”

The words smoothly replied to him pierced his chest.

“No, I mean, you... treat nice people like tools. You don’t show respect for me even though I’m older than you.”

“About the matters regarding Violet, I’m sorry. About not showing respect for you, why would I have to show respect due to age difference at this point?”

Silence.

“Hodgins?”

Despite being called, Hodgins wordlessly returned his gaze to the letter for a moment. It was his first time reading one of those, but Hodgins knew about them. After all, whenever Hodgins visited his room, there would be a sealed letter with no addressee somewhere. Hodgins knew one more person who used to accumulate letters without sending them.

“You’re an idiot.”

Just as Gilbert said, they had had that relationship for over a decade. They had also had a period of breaking contact. Within the letter that he was finally seeing again after those years, the feelings towards a certain girl that Gilbert had been unable to back from writing down were registered. He probably intended to throw away the old ones and hand over new responses. Written in them were his repeated apologies for what he had done until that point, as well as his words of gratitude thanking her for sending him countless letters.

Hodgins twisted his neck, observing Gilbert’s back as he stood in the kitchen. The same was valid for him, but Hodgins thought that both of them had aged quite some.

——To think that those two who had parted ways would meet again.

It was a common love story, which seemed like it could happen anywhere. But that was precisely why...

——...I think I want them to be happy enough to make up for their detours.

He and she. Both of them were irreplaceable people for Hodgins.

“Gilbert.”

“What?”

“Back to the topic... Y’know, I believe that friendships can also be unrequited.”

“Yeah.” Gilbert did not negate the exorbitant statement.

Hodgins felt he was giving an empty answer without actually listening to the talk. His feeling of discontentment accidentally seeped into his manner of speaking. “You say ‘yeah’, but do you really get it? I think you don’t... I’ve felt that way with you for many years. Gilbert, you can definitely make do without friends. But I’m not like that. Yet I really didn’t want us to be like... like this, with me being the only one... who wishes for you to stay that way, doing fine. Or who wants to see you every now and then to talk about trivial stuff. Like, ‘Is it just me who likes you?’... You’re a cold one, after all. That’s why I’ve been surprised with you lately. You... You probably don’t get these feelings of mine, though.”

Both knew of each other’s temperament and comprehended that their friendship existed. They also certainly trusted one another. The proof of it was that Gilbert entrusted Hodgins with the person he was currently attempting to protect by putting his life at stake. However, Hodgins nevertheless thought that, to Gilbert, he was not in the position that he had in mind. He had not once voiced it, for such attachments seemed foolish in male friendships.

After having said that, Hodgins soon regretted it. He regretted it, and yet...

“No, I understand. I don’t have any friends except for you.”

Perhaps because he had been holding the paper in his hands with force, it wrinkled a little. Hodgins desperately placed it on the desk and carefully stretched it. Still, he heard Gilbert’s footsteps approaching while he was at it and returned the letter to its previous spot.

The two remained silent once they faced each other.

Maybe finally having noticed the half-written letter, he mixed it together with his documents and quickly cleared it away from Hodgins’s eyes. Hodgins followed the letter’s trajectory from the corners of his eyes.

Upon sorting them out thoroughly, Gilbert exhaled a long breath that sounded like a sigh. “You said I probably didn’t get it, but even I understand,” little by little, his voice trailed off into silence. “You were always surrounded by a large number of companions. But you’re my only friend.”

——That’s a lie.

Even without companions that he had a relationship of associating himself with in the way he did with Hodgins, Gilbert was already a person who attracted those around him. He was not the type to act like a lone wolf. He would attend the class reunions and socialization banquets during their days in the Military School. He could flawlessly hold a conversation with anyone.

But before Hodgins was able to deny it with words, Gilbert spoke, “I have many acquaintances but you’re my only true friend. After you graduated... I thought it would’ve been great if I’d been born two years earlier for my student days.” His way of speaking seemed sulky.

The illusion of a fourteen-year-old boy overlapped with the figure of a battered man in his thirties. Hodgins felt that he himself had returned to when he was sixteen as well. Back then, he was always chasing after Gilbert and fooling around with him.

——We were always together.

The pain that had pierced his chest gradually tinged with warmth. A smile crept in his egoistic heart, unable to help itself.

——Gilbert, you...

The man named Gilbert Bougainvillea was not the kind to say such things at all. Over a long time, he had become able to show a side of himself other than being an “asset” that served for smoothly administrating himself and his surroundings.

——That side of you is unfair.

And strangely enough, the girl who Gilbert loved had also been a “tool” for his sake. Yet that “tool” was becoming able to gently undo the ropes firmly tied around her and show a humane face. Just who had been the one responsible for the biggest part of those achievements?

Claudia Hodgins, indifferent to his own deeds, merely rejoiced and smiled broadly at his friend’s bashful face. “Hu—Ahah, ahahahaha!”

“Hey, don’t laugh. You made me say something embarrassing. As if I’ll ever say that again in my life.”

“Ahahah, no... you’ve got it wrong. It’s not like I’m making fun of... Ah, Gilbert. Is the stuff you left in the oven okay? It’s kinda making a weird noise.”

“It’s not okay.”

Hodgins stood up and followed Gilbert as he clatteringly returned to the kitchen. A familiar quarrel flowed comfortably throughout the apartment, turning into a nightly tune.

And the same applied to time, no matter how much of it flowed. For two people who had a relation called friendship, it would go back to their bosom days regardless of there being a period where they had not seen each other.

“Move over, I’m gonna sprinkle the seasoning.”

“Fool, you’re mistaken, that’s not salt.”

“You’ve got no spices at all. D’you live off just salt and sugar?”

“I’ve had a long-standing habit of eating out. Hodgins, let’s stop it already. This isn’t food.”

“Don’t spout nonsense. There’s nothing that can’t be recovered.”

“Is that so?”

“That’s so. Don’t give up.”

No matter how many hundreds, thousands of years they lived, the two would go back to the versions of themselves from that time.

To the fourteen-year-old Gilbert and the sixteen-year-old Hodgins.

#violet evergarden #fyeahvioletevergarden #violet evergarden gaiden #gilbert bougainvillea #claudia hogdins #kyoani #kyoto animation #novel #akatsuki kana #takase akiko #my translation

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