#sorry for the delay!! the spotify wrapped chaos dropped hahaha

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

hiii ella, i have a question which is kind of inspired by one of your reblogs from yesterday(i think), so do you believe in concept of wasted time? and if yes what does that mean to you?

I've been in this funk lately and im trying to figure out if I spent las

jesus, my ask about wasted time got sent before I finished it and I can't remember what I was typing so yeah you don't have to answer i just wanted to hear your thoughts :))

hope you have a nice daay<33

hello kind anon!! i did really go off in the tags of a post yesterday, didn't i? jshfkr

you were going somewhere with that last sentence, but i think i can already try to say some stuff that are true to me, and my experience, that might help? and you can always come back!

so this was that post and it basically said okay things about it being okay to grieve when you feel like life isn't going your way. i think the sentiment isn't wrong and op was trying to convey a nice message about hope, but i think the priorities and the bottom line were off. in the end, the focus was on "making up for lost time", and i don't agree with that. i don't agree with the overall sentiment that your life is only worthy if you manage you "build a new future".

it's tricky bc obviously the message is about not being hard on yourself when you're in a slump that you do want to get out of. i personally get depressed and then there really are times when the weeks and months become blurred and i don't really know what i've done with my time. and there is sometimes a sense of time that's been lost when you have to go through this struggle (again and again), bc it feels like you lost yourself. i think the real power lies in acknowledging that whatever state of mind you're in, or whatever you're going through, or whether or not you're productive or going places or achieving things, you're always still you, and especially: you're always still living.

after years and years of dealing with my depression, the way i have come most to terms with it is accepting it as part of me. i don't fight it, i don't deny it, i don't ignore it. when i go through funks and slumps, i remind myself that this is something my brain does, and that i always come out on the other side. if i made decisions during those times that 'set me back' in terms of my relationships, or perhaps things i'd been working on in life, then those can be seen as lost chances, things i can be sad about, but i will also do my very best to not fall into a spiral of self-chastising over a mental illness i can't control. this doesn't have to necessarily be about depression btw, this can apply to any life, bc we all experience our emotions in waves. to pretend like we always feel the same is a mistake, bc then we take away ourselves that freedom, and we deny what's naturally us. there's no reason to limit ourselves like that. you can't say "that's unlike me" about something you've done or felt.

i think the concept of "lost time" never made sense to me bc at a time when people kept saying it to me, it honestly felt like a slap in the face. i did a gap year after high school and academically it did nothing for me. i just spent a year abroad. so, people back home didn't see why i'd do that. and when i came back i was a different person. a year of not having to achieve things constantly, of taking away the pressure to prove myself so that i could finally get to know who i really am changed my entire perspective on life. if anything, i had won time, just because i was finally living a fuller life.

the time we spend in funks, is time our body asks of us to rest. it's a fog that sets, that can be incredibly frustrating and hard to get through, but eventually it lifts, and we feel better. think of it as a hibernation - when a bear reemerges after the winter, he's also ready to live a beautiful full life.

so, kind anon, i don't know if that helps you in any way, but apparently i had a lot to say about this lmao

and then i haven't even gotten started about the notion of lost potential bc i can write a book on that i think