#that reply is still in my mind
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Naw, what you mean? Paul McCarthy himself told Joe Jackson to beat his kids into stardom
damn, I guess I missed that unit in my Negrology 102: Music of the Night People class 😔 I'm gonna fail the final. This is what I get for not learning my own history
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God, I'm (yet again) exhausted. What a show. I will say, flaws and all, it's still one of the best animated series I've watched. Ever. No, I don't think it deserves the vitriol it's getting on social media.
I have a LOT of emotions right now. I don't think I'm even thinking straight after watching through everything once. It definitely needs to be re-watched multiple times. No, I'm not offering any kind of insights or anything like that. I think I'm just too emotional seeing my favorite show end.
I really wanna thank the writers, directors, artists, animators, producers, and everyone else who worked on this show for this work of art. It was beautiful, and it's why I love making gifs of this show.
And just because this show has ended, doesn't mean I'll stop making things. There's two whole seasons to work with now. I hope I can have enough free time to post regularly. I still need to make some 8k wallpapers and a ton of gifs haha.
I'll take a break and sleep for now. I'll see what I can make when I wake up tomorrow. I have so many things I want to do, but I also feel like crap and I too, have a life LMAO.
Oh, and I'm still looking forward to the next stories that they tell us! Runeterra truly has amazing lore. Excited to see what's next!
Thank you for all the likes, reblogs, and support you guys give to my lil sideblog! I appreciate you guys so much <3
#personal tag#its arcane.... not everything will be happy fr but gah my heart hurts#ive also allowed replies for now in all gifsets and posts but piss me off and i will block you and close it again#i havent rlly processed everything bc ive been making gifs#but yeah im in fuckin shambles idk what to feel honestly#it rlly hurts to see ppl totally shit on the show you love but i suppose its a sign not to look at social media in general#criticisms are fine but some of them take it a bit too far#the first season was so good (and most ppl watched it with 0 expectations in mind) that the second season had too much to live up to#for what it's worth i still very much enjoyed it even with a few gripes#my grade is like 9.5/10 for s2 while s1 gets like a 11/10 haha#i have a feeling that when i rewatch the show i’ll appreciate it more since im less emotional haha the score will prolly go higher#thank you to everyone who was a part of this show <3#anyways its 2am goodnight my goal for the next coming days is a gifset or two a day#thank you everyone ily <3
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WHAT HAPPENED TO UR JJBA CONTENT 😭😭😭 /NM
Just been into FNAF as of late! I have currently more ideas for it, if the SBR anime is announced at all you can expect me to draw some JJBA again
So I haven’t totally abandoned JJBA! Promise, I’ve mostly been drawing it for my Patreon so head over there if you wanna see it 💗💗
#ask reply#SORRY I haven’t replied to many asks the past few days#currently sick so been mostly resting but I’m getting better#still love JJBA of course I’m just having fun with FNAF#people keep asking where JoJo art be but simply I just have no ideas for it rn#FNAF is my og interest technically JJBA is the new guy BAHA#I suggest subbing near the start of the month just so it’s less of a hassle#yall know how Patreon can be like lmao#BTW I’m currently reworking my patreon so that’s why I haven’t been advertising it much#but that’s where JJBA art is rn so just keep that in mind 👍
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anyone remember that pyro is a robot headcanon? yeah um erm i also remembered that and also sorta maybe mightve gotten carried away a little bit.. tee hee..
#fanart#art#doodle#tf2#tf2 fanart#team fortress 2#tf2 scout#comic#tf2 engineer#tf2 spy#tf2 soldier#its so funny because it didnt even cross my mind until i was drawing (GET READY FOR CRINGE)…#..scout with bunny ears.. ANYWAYS AHEM. i was like. hey. what if. what if those ears. were like. apart of a helmet.#and then i spiraled#hashtag real#hopefully this comic makes sense i stayed up to do this not realizing the time i am so eepy#this is probably also a blue headcanon i headcanon blu engie is medic levels of unhinged <3#to the person in the replies: YES!! you have full permission to draw him!! thank you for asking in the first place that’s so sweet of you!!#but anyways sorry for not replying! this is my side account that i’ve turned into a main account#and my main account still has the Mark of cringe past (old fanart) so i’m trying to keep them apart lol#scoutbot
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POV you embark on an odyssey of recollection
#iwtv#interview with the vampire#armand iwtv#the vampire armand#devil's minion#well it was made with devil's minion in mind#originally i meant to just put this into a reply to a comment on my ongoing armand/daniel fic#but then i thought it was too good to deprieve the larger fandom of#an important reminder for every single iwtv character (and maybe all of us fans too)#he never did anything wrong ever of course#but still
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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How did u feel with the age gap question was it pr or do u really think he meant it and this was the truth
This is referring to the question asked on The Assembly last night. I'll post the clip here, for those who haven't seen it yet:
A lot of what I felt while watching this was touched on in this incredibly thoughtful post from @body-face-words, so I encourage folks to give that a read. But I think for me, when it comes to Michael's answer, it's not a matter of whether he lied or told the truth. It's that his response was sweet, but it was also a version of the truth that sounded convincing because it needed to, because this was not a time or place where he could say what he actually felt.
I'm really not sure what people expected him to say, in all honesty, as he was never going to say anything that would make him or Anna look bad, and especially not anything that could potentially negatively impact the kids, so he instead gave a very perfect PR answer. This again does not come as a surprise because we know Michael has scripted his answers about AL/their relationship in the past, but I noticed how careful he was in his response, which seems to contrast with how off-the-cuff he normally is when discussing every other subject. Part of what so many of us love about Michael is how unfiltered he is and always has been, with the exception of how much he filters and edits himself when talking about Anna.
It also seemed like, at least from my perspective, that Michael answered the question without answering the question. What the girl asked wasn't so much about the age gap, but about AL being five years older than Michael's daughter Lily, and it would've been a perfect opportunity for him to mention her, or how the relationship with AL affected his and Lily's relationship. He could've talked about the falling out he had with her (and Kate) in 2019 once AL's existence/pregnancy came to light, and what has happened in the years since, or how Lily now gets along with Anna/her half-sisters. But instead Michael deflected from all of that and talked about everything while saying nothing at the same time.
It was also the things Michael didn't say that stood out as much as the things he did. In the entire answer to the question, Michael never once used the word "love." Prior to the show airing, I saw a lot of people online confident that he would say that he loves Anna, but he never did. He never praised her, never talked about the things he loves about her, or how glad he is to be with her. He never once mentioned her by name. The pivot and focus was on the kids, and there was a clear distinction made between how happy he is to have the family he does, rather than to be in the relationship that he is in. Michael's use of the phrase "very happy" was also identical to the wording of a comment AL wrote on Instagram the other day, which added to the whole "reinforcing a public narrative" feeling of his response.
I think what struck me most of all, though, was how somber and heavyhearted Michael sounded while saying how happy he is. It reminded me of the song "I Am a Rock" by Simon & Garfunkel, where the upbeat and cheerful music contrasts starkly with the fraught, angry lyrics. There was no sparkle in Michael's eyes when he said it, no enthusiasm for what he was saying (which is particularly jarring when we know Michael has the capacity for incredible enthusiasm), and his face never lit up while he was talking.
There was one specific moment (which is also highlighted in the body language post) where he seemed to visibly wince and the micro-expressions were in overdrive, and it immediately made me think of a moment from Good Omens:
Time and again, I have seen fans talk about Michael's micro-expressions as an actor and how he uses them to such devastating effect (especially in the role of Aziraphale). And while these two moments are not completely identical, the idea of ignoring how Michael uses those same micro-expressions in real life makes no sense to me at all. In this instance, what we're seeing could be either because he has put so much of himself into Aziraphale that we can now recognize those "Michael" moments...or it could be because in both clips he is performing, albeit for different reasons.
The difference between Michael when he is doing this vs. when he is being genuinely himself is made even more apparent by the question immediately following this one. Unprompted, he brings up David, and the change in his expression and demeanor is swift and dramatic:
Having the mention of David happen so soon after the AL question seemed to highlight so many things. I can't help but feel that David is a security blanket for Michael, something he hides behind when he is feeling anxious or sad or overwhelmed. I wondered if perhaps he was even already thinking of David while answering the AL question, which would explain why he named him so readily--as if his mind needed to drift to someplace else just to finish answering that question.
To me, this made it abundantly clear that David is Michael's safe place. Here was where we saw Michael's eyes sparkling. Here was where we saw him light up from the inside. And it was David he kept returning to and bringing up during the rest of the show in response to other questions. So if that doesn't speak volumes about where Michael's heart seems to be, I'm not sure what does.
So yes, those are my thoughts on Michael answering the age gap question on The Assembly. As always, this is just my interpretation, but I am glad to hear from my followers with your take as well. Thanks for writing in! x
#angel19924#reply post#michael sheen#welsh seduction machine#david tennant#soft scottish hipster gigolo#the assembly#michael is a talented actor#but he can't hide his true feelings as himself#the only other time AL came up as well was when one of the interviewers said his mother likes Michael#and Michael said 'Don't tell Anna' as mirthlessly as possible#also the way he talked about being afraid of being alone broke my heart#it made me think of how you can be with someone and still feel totally alone#but i will leave it to my followers to make up their own minds#i'm feeling a lot of feelings#and will soon answer another Ask I have waiting about the show#anna lundberg#relationships#discourse#gifs by me
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MASSIVE SPOILER for one of the endings.
it's been a while since i tried looking, but i did hear that something like this happens last year and over time started to think, "was it a fluke?" bc no one posted footage or caps of it then, and i aimed for a completionist run in my first playthrough. turns out it's real! and definitely shines a new light on a character that, for most other types of playthroughs, will not give this much emotion! EDIT: transcript now included, and some stillshots under the cut
[0:28] Marie: Henry, this is the man who kept you from doing the right thing tonight. Kill him. [0:15] Forrest: Henry, you don’t have to do this. If you’ve not killed anyone yet, there’s still time to make the right decision. [0:05] Out of shot: (Gunshots) Henderson Police! Freeze! Marie: No! Henry, get out of there!
#killer frequency#henry barrow#these hands………#so yes MORE spoilers and further commentary ahead here in the tags:#yes this is a fairly tragic ending if you already know how to get it. but again TERRIFIC VOICE ACTING BEFOREHAND AND AFTER.#feel free to reply in post if you want to ask about that part.#i didn't include that in the vid bc it's so visceral and raw but i love their performances. that shit hit hard dang.#but i want to ask anyone if their perspective on henry changes after seeing this? mine does tbh. i didn't expect a possible show of remorse#like at most hesitation! but bc of the context of forrest's dialogue- does it lean into remorse? a large definite shift in his mind!#even if he Has killed already then he's still taking forrest's words to heart and reconsidering everything which DAMN-#-my videogamey headcanon of forrest's character stats showing his Persuasion and Charm MAXED OUT is pulling tf through here!!#also can anyone reply re: would forrest's dialogue change but he still survives if henry kills maurice or murphy? or would forrest die?#and if the devs Actually gave henry other official kills in the game but didn't disclose them in the narrative- then is this the test?#like if henry kills AT ALL in game even though the player isn't privy to knowing which victims are his then is this ending unattainable?#also placing this scene/character moment behind THIS ENDING SPECIFICALLY heck that's cold. dang fellas.#going to eventually pull out a hc i've been holding back for a long time in a later post and i'll mention this scene again then-#-but this part in particular as well as another “easter egg” has really put more fuel to it
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Hi I saw in your pinned post that you've read over 1,000 TMNT fics. Do you have a few really good ones you would recommend?
(don't feel any pressure to respond if you don't want to)
Oh boy this is...quite an ask. Especially bc fanfic recs are so personal? What I think is a good fic will be vastly different from other people. I have a really high angst tolerance, so please double check tags with these. Also keep in mind that I mainly read donnie-centric fics.
Here are my personal favorites! My hand slipped and I have more than just a few to recommend...what can I say there are so many good fics.
CRACK BUT READS LIKE CANON
Back To School by Em_H | 10,965 [FINISHED]
Donnie enrolls in April’s school and tries to juggle his packed schedule. A shrek play is included. Do I need to say more?
☆ In Volvunt: a RotTMNT Fanfiction ☆ by kittylittersmoothie | 27,082 [FINISHED]
In which the rest of the bros continuously try and fail to rick roll donnie. A war is started, alliances are made, betrayals occur, this is a hilarious feel good fic. It’s very in line with the show tonal wise and the dialogue is very rise
Mikey's Jam-Packed, Guaranteed to Get Donnie's Memory Back, Friendship Tour! By Eyse | 92,972 [ON-GOING]
Donnie wakes up with no memory of anyone including himself. Que his brothers trying to find ways to get his memory back. Has some of the most wacky adventures and scenarios I’ve ever encountered in a rise fic. Feels like you’re reading the actual show
YOU WILL BE EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED
Quiet Your Mind by daedelweiss | 18,081 [FINISHED]
Fusion Au with the disaster twins set in the bad future timeline. I don’t cry. This one made me cry. Bittersweet ending.
Telepathy (of a Twin Variety) by vosian_nightmare | 24,423 [FINISHED]
My personal favorite twin telepathy fic. Character study on the disaster twins.
Something Borrowed, Something Blue by Cass_Phoenix | 31,963 [FINISHED]
A Donnie from an alternate reality kidnaps Leo. Or is he bringing him home? This one will fuck with your mind. One of my bookmark notes is “Reality existentialism”
Firefight by remrose | 94,480 [ON-GOING]
What if donnie gets trapped in the prison dimension with leo? I’m usually not a fan of changing plot points in the rise movie or suicidal leo, but this fic is the exception. It is VERY well written and has some of the best exchanges between the disaster twins. You WILL be scared for the characters and your heart WILL be crushed. Proud to say I was here for this fic since chapter 1 bc that NEVER happens with me
THE CROSSOVERS
Familiar Places, Foreign Faces by Petra4President | 36,434 [ON-GOING]
Rise/2012 Crossover Fic. The Rise Donnie & 2012 Raph fic I didn’t ask for (I read this before watching 2012) but didn’t realize I NEEDED. Donnie gets sent to the 2012 universe and must find a way home.
A Tale of Spirits by unorthodoxx | 168,344 [ON-GOING]
Rise/Avatar the Last Airbender AU. This one is pretty popular so I won't say anything else except its really good.
I WOULD BOOK BIND THESE
All I have to say about these fics is that they’re REALLY good and BOOK WORTHY
Monsters Among Us by DanzinoraSwitch | 86,136 [FINISHED]
Violet Hues and Holy Blue by SibillaScribbles08 | 115,752 [FINISHED]
I May Be Invisible, but I Still Look Good by Dandy | 124,862 [FINISHED]
MY PERSONAL COMFORT FICS
Things will never be the same (but that's okay) by Petra4President | 14,493 [FINISHED]
Post movie aftermath fic that focuses on the changes created by the events of the movie. Idk what specifically has me rereading this occasionally, but its really well written and a little different than most aftermath fics I've read.
Corrupted Upgrade by Dandy | 25,898 [FINISHED]
Donnie Villain AU with a twist. He really gives off megamind vibes. DO NOT BE FOOLED. THERE’S A REASON EVERYONE IS OUT OF CHARACTER IN THE BEGINNING. I almost slept on this fic and it became one of my favorites. It’s the type of fic that I can read over and over and over.
Turning Purple by Lizardstuff | 48,123 [ON-GOING]
Donnie slowly gets more and more sick post rise movie and the rest of the characters must find out what’s wrong and find a cure. THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, MEDICAL NERDS. Author has done research and any inaccuracies have gone over this EMT’s head. I reread this one every chapter update and every time I’m haunted by “the blueberry french toast paragraph” No I will not explain further, go read it.
MY TOP FIC RECOMMENDATION
Spider's Web with Strings Attached by CurlySwirly | 125,661 [ON-GOING]
Donnie and Leo get kidnapped and are forced to fight in the battle nexus. This is my pick for the most well written fanfic and most in canon characterization with ALL the characters. You will HEAR the characters not just through the dialogue but also through the writing itself. As the reader, you will be beaten down and have your heart crushed mercilessly which makes the pay off the most rewarding, satisfying experience that I've personally ever felt with a fanfic. This fic lives in my head rent free and I think about it at least once a day. It is my all time favorite rise fic and I highly recommend it.
#there's a fic im missing and its driving me crazy#i can't find the post movie fic where donnie and raph are still infected by the krang#and there's a scene where they nearly merge together and raph has to mind meld with donnie to save him from krang's control#idk why i didn't bookmark it its one of my favs#there are so many other amazing fics#if anyone needs any fic recs with specific tropes i got you#i started a google spread sheet categorizing good fics i read#this was like last year#but i couldn't keep up with how much i read#and stopped at around 145 fics#im laughing bc i have two modes#soul crushing angst#and crack#pixel replies#rise fanfic recs#fanfic recommendation#fanfic rec#rottmnt#rottmnt fanfic recs
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hiii uhh im not sure if you are take requests rn and I don’t wanna seem like rude or anything but could u draw kokichi and makoto like interacting??? idk but it would be cool to see them meet or something lol
(post v3 and they're somehow all alive in the real world or something idk au but imagine if Makoto's secret was actually legit and the whole Danganronpa obsessed world just knows about it now and it never really dawned on him? that'd be messed up.)
#itosh1teru#danganronpa#makoto naegi#kokichi ouma#naegi makoto#ouma kokichi#fala replies#req art#fun fact: i don't actually understand post v3 game aus that have all the characters alive including#sdr1 and 2 because it doesn't make sense in my mind but if im gonna use it then by god will#makoto be older because CMON v3 is the 53rd installment which if we assume there's at least#3 danganronpa installments in a year that'll still put the sdr1/2 cast 17 years older#''But Fala you could have just put them attending Hopes Peak together!''#i know i know that makes more sense and is usually the au i go with but look look#i wanted kokichi to tease makoto about his bladder problems like the lil asshole he is okay?#because you KNOW he would you KNOW.#30+ year old Makoto being bullied by an emo mime looking teenager is a very real threat that can happen#a e i o queue
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i NEED to see you draw more of the gen 2 cast 🙏
I offer you a very quick doodle of my strong daughter.
#i have a hard time picking favourites but jo's definitely up there for gen 2#also please don't mind me using this as an excuse to draw buff girls. i'm trying to practice anatomy and muscles are fun to draw.#still in my purple era 😖#total drama#td jo#ophe doodles#replies
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nine hours in the ER sure will bend ur mind into some kinda shape
#my mind sure is a shape#fox talks#ruled out the big bads with CT scan today#still no answers!!#but no deep dark evils lurking in my brain meats so that’s good#spouse is happy to know im not in terrible danger so this is good :)#so yeah no answers BUT we at least have a direction.#have had no chance to reply or speak to anyone except for exactly one email but#I hope I can get that to change this week#ok love u#make good choices ok love u bye
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crazy to think that people my age want to have sex… and that many of them have had sex before… and that they are actively seeking out people to have sex with….. and that they talk about sex with their other sex-having friends……. couldn’t be me but y’all have fun tho! stay safe out there and stuff
#idk i just don’t think about having sex with specific people. mostly i think about it as a concept i guess#i think it could be a very positive experience with the right person/people#and if someone trusted me enough to share that level of vulnerability with them i would be beyond honored#but y’all just met 8 hours ago!#how do you already trust each other that much!!#and that’s not slutshaming or whatever i just really do not understand#like i still don’t know exactly what i am but it’s definitely some flavor of#asexual#same goes for drinking/drugs tbh#like you wanna go ingest mind altering substances in a loud environment with flashing lights and strangers?#have fun or whatever ill be Literally Anywhere Else. call if you need a dd#this thought prompted by me finding a ‘fuck marry kill: actors edition’ card game on the shelf downstairs#and asking my mom why it was there#and her replying ‘well i got it cause it looked fun and i figured you could take it to (friend)’s birthday party’#and i was like why would i want to do that?? and then i remembered#ace chats
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omg waittt what's that game called im. asking for a friend, 👉🏽👈🏽
a date with death !
#usually i dont like dating sims at all but seeing the LGBTQIA+ tag and this pretty bbg was instant get#even bought the dlc just now bc honestly for a free game with such nice quality etc deserved akjcbk#its so hard to find games like these that are not just for ladies and if theres a way to customize ur gender u can tell the writing was#still with female players in mind in some (cough WHB cough)#so yea while theyre not my fav genre if you find some that are enjoyable for everyone and got men of my tastes feel free to rec#reply
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i love to hear your thoughts on minnie you're the only one who gets season 4 in the fullest
im so flattered you think so anon 😭
how it feels being in this fandom sometimes
i love analyzing narrative and themes and stuff and S4 has Way more going on than people will give it credit for (S1 + 4 combo my beloved)
#S2 and 3 have grown in appreciation for me but they still suffer from a lot of weak elements#S4 is a wonderful companion piece to S1. and wraps up the whole series solidly and satisfyingly#im just here hoping like-minded people find me...#i mostly just try to watch from the outside at this point and just curate my own little safe space 💀 its scary out there#twdg#incognito#replies with lexi
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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