#soul crushing angst

[ireblogmyhyperfixes]

💊 ¦ melt through the layers, a searing iron to dormant emotions

now boiling and raging like wax to skin, leaving welts and sweat

i am sorry.

i am so sorry.

[purplepixel]

Hi I saw in your pinned post that you've read over 1,000 TMNT fics. Do you have a few really good ones you would recommend?

(don't feel any pressure to respond if you don't want to)

Oh boy this is...quite an ask. Especially bc fanfic recs are so personal? What I think is a good fic will be vastly different from other people. I have a really high angst tolerance, so please double check tags with these. Also keep in mind that I mainly read donnie-centric fics.

Here are my personal favorites! My hand slipped and I have more than just a few to recommend...what can I say there are so many good fics.

CRACK BUT READS LIKE CANON

Back To School by Em_H | 10,965 [FINISHED]

Donnie enrolls in April’s school and tries to juggle his packed schedule. A shrek play is included. Do I need to say more?

☆ In Volvunt: a RotTMNT Fanfiction ☆ by kittylittersmoothie | 27,082 [FINISHED]

In which the rest of the bros continuously try and fail to rick roll donnie. A war is started, alliances are made, betrayals occur, this is a hilarious feel good fic. It’s very in line with the show tonal wise and the dialogue is very rise

Mikey's Jam-Packed, Guaranteed to Get Donnie's Memory Back, Friendship Tour! By Eyse | 92,972 [ON-GOING]

Donnie wakes up with no memory of anyone including himself. Que his brothers trying to find ways to get his memory back. Has some of the most wacky adventures and scenarios I’ve ever encountered in a rise fic. Feels like you’re reading the actual show

YOU WILL BE EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED

Quiet Your Mind by daedelweiss | 18,081 [FINISHED]

Fusion Au with the disaster twins set in the bad future timeline. I don’t cry. This one made me cry. Bittersweet ending.

Telepathy (of a Twin Variety) by vosian_nightmare | 24,423 [FINISHED] 

My personal favorite twin telepathy fic. Character study on the disaster twins.

Something Borrowed, Something Blue by Cass_Phoenix | 31,963 [FINISHED]

A Donnie from an alternate reality kidnaps Leo. Or is he bringing him home? This one will fuck with your mind. One of my bookmark notes is “Reality existentialism” 

Firefight by remrose | 94,480 [ON-GOING]

What if donnie gets trapped in the prison dimension with leo? I’m usually not a fan of changing plot points in the rise movie or suicidal leo, but this fic is the exception. It is VERY well written and has some of the best exchanges between the disaster twins. You WILL be scared for the characters and your heart WILL be crushed. Proud to say I was here for this fic since chapter 1 bc that NEVER happens with me

THE CROSSOVERS

Familiar Places, Foreign Faces by Petra4President | 36,434 [ON-GOING]

Rise/2012 Crossover Fic. The Rise Donnie & 2012 Raph fic I didn’t ask for (I read this before watching 2012) but didn’t realize I NEEDED. Donnie gets sent to the 2012 universe and must find a way home. 

A Tale of Spirits by unorthodoxx | 168,344 [ON-GOING]

Rise/Avatar the Last Airbender AU. This one is pretty popular so I won't say anything else except its really good.

I WOULD BOOK BIND THESE

All I have to say about these fics is that they’re REALLY good and BOOK WORTHY

Monsters Among Us by DanzinoraSwitch | 86,136 [FINISHED]

Violet Hues and Holy Blue by SibillaScribbles08 | 115,752 [FINISHED]

I May Be Invisible, but I Still Look Good by Dandy | 124,862 [FINISHED]

MY PERSONAL COMFORT FICS

Things will never be the same (but that's okay) by Petra4President | 14,493 [FINISHED]

Post movie aftermath fic that focuses on the changes created by the events of the movie. Idk what specifically has me rereading this occasionally, but its really well written and a little different than most aftermath fics I've read.

Corrupted Upgrade by Dandy | 25,898 [FINISHED]

Donnie Villain AU with a twist. He really gives off megamind vibes. DO NOT BE FOOLED. THERE’S A REASON EVERYONE IS OUT OF CHARACTER IN THE BEGINNING. I almost slept on this fic and it became one of my favorites. It’s the type of fic that I can read over and over and over.

Turning Purple by Lizardstuff | 48,123 [ON-GOING]

Donnie slowly gets more and more sick post rise movie and the rest of the characters must find out what’s wrong and find a cure. THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, MEDICAL NERDS. Author has done research and any inaccuracies have gone over this EMT’s head. I reread this one every chapter update and every time I’m haunted by “the blueberry french toast paragraph” No I will not explain further, go read it.

MY TOP FIC RECOMMENDATION

Spider's Web with Strings Attached by CurlySwirly | 125,661 [ON-GOING]

Donnie and Leo get kidnapped and are forced to fight in the battle nexus. This is my pick for the most well written fanfic and most in canon characterization with ALL the characters. You will HEAR the characters not just through the dialogue but also through the writing itself. As the reader, you will be beaten down and have your heart crushed mercilessly which makes the pay off the most rewarding, satisfying experience that I've personally ever felt with a fanfic. This fic lives in my head rent free and I think about it at least once a day. It is my all time favorite rise fic and I highly recommend it.

[ynyaan]

Pink in the Night - Mitski |

SatoSugu Angst Animation

-

Yuup, this took so long so please show some love!

Instagram for Art: _ynyaan (yanyan)

Link to reel: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1qWL2TRYhb/?igsh=anJkZGVjbGZjNXEw

-

Edited and animated by me :)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by yanyan (@_ynyaan)

[builtlikeastickofcelery]

i have no comic or art for you guys at all have this picture of my cat instead

[claiireluv]

everyone moved on but I’m still here.

[savesavva]

There was a time when Mind didn't have his mask either

PART 1

PART 2 (you're here!)

PART 3

[iridescenttttttt]

I’m tired of pretending I don’t want my favs to suffer.

I hope sun wukong cries MORE in s6.

Obligatory sun wukong photo dump because I have way too many photos of him (I was originally just going to use like 4 photos) (I didn’t know when to stop I just have so many images of him that I need to share)

[amee-racle-ofmyown]

duality of my favourite ships :)

[jay72664]

Crush 1/2

TW: Depictions of self-harm, not in detail.

Also, fair warning, normally I write where Soukoku is already together, they are not in this.

Also, thank you @fyodors-dusty-ass-hat for the suggestion, it’s not exactly what you said, but I wanted to write it from Dazai’s perspective.

Thank you

Old feelings had started to resurface as of late.

Feelings I’d long since buried.

Feelings I assumed would never be requited.

And maybe it was just a false hope.

Maybe it was just me being blinded by my own lo-

Crush, just a crush.

It sounds less serious when you say it like that.

But the truth was; I was down bad.

For his smile, his laugh, his unfairly gorgeous eyes.

But I was scared of that feeling, just as I had been when we were teenagers.

So sitting down and watching a movie with him, that was pretty good.

Even though I wasn’t watching the movie.

I was watching him every smile, laugh, and grimace, every tiny reaction, I was watching it.

He looks over at me noticing my staring. “What?” Chuuya asks suspiciously.

Which was fair.

I smile teasingly, and shrug. “Nothing, you just look pretty.” I hadn’t meant to say that.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I stop that train of thought because he’s blushing, and it’s cute.

“Shut up asshole.” He grumbles, turning to face the movie, and I follow suit, but I keep shooting glances over at him.

“I love you.”

“What?” He looks at me, in question.

I hadn’t meant to say that out loud either, I must have had a bit too much to drink.

Still, I can’t help but double down.

“I… I love you Chuuya, I have for awhile…” I trail off as the look on his face transforms into guilt and sympathy.

“Dazai.” He starts, I don’t want him to say it.

“Don’t, please don’t.” I beg, tearing my gaze away from him.

“I’m sorry.” I hate that tone of voice on him, it sounds like pity, and Chuuya is the last person on the planet who should pity me.

I push myself off the couch. “I’m going home.” I mumble, unable to stay in this room with his guilty gaze.

Chuuya didn’t try to stop me, which I was very glad about, I couldn’t handle it if he did.

I felt like crying.

I did that when I got home.

It had been a long time since I cried.

Six years to be exact.

It wasn’t really fair of me to fall in love with Chuuya after I left him.

But I still did.

And this was my karma.

Because of course Chuuya didn’t love me.

Who would?

The tears eventually stopped and I was left feeling empty.

So I did what I always did when I felt empty.

I cut myself.

As selfish as it was.

I did it.

It didn’t really help at all.

But it was good enough.

I went to sleep afterwards.

Not looking at all forward to work tomorrow.

I’d have to pretend that I didn’t just have my heart ripped out of my chest?

Was that melodramatic?

It wasn’t like Chuuya was trying to hurt me.

It wasn’t his fault I’m unlovable.

I wasn’t actually able to go to sleep until like, five in the morning.

[builtlikeastickofcelery]

I pinky promise im still working on the comic I just need to figure out how to write even more emotional emotional angst :)

[void-occupation]

Some Lee!Alastor Headcanons to Fuel My Brain

The lee!alastor tag has been painfully empty for the last few days, so I've decided to contribute a few headcanons of mine for you all to see and consider as you wish. Feel free to add on to this post with headcanons/rants/fics/whatever of your own if you want, I was just personally experiencing withdrawal symptoms and needed to fuel my addiction lol

(These are tickle headcanons for those unfamiliar with the terminology. If that isn't your thing, just scroll right on by)

First thing's first. Something I think everyone is sleeping on? Scalp massagers. Specifically the wire ones. I personally think those things are ticklish as fuck, and I'm far from the only one. The majority of us have come to the agreement that Alastor's ears are also ticklish as fuck. Just take a moment with me and imagine the potential:

Someone (probably Angel, or Lucifer) gets a scalp massager and is going around trying it on other hotel residents when they aren't paying attention. It's just for fun, and they're getting the typical reactions (jumping away, super startled, or just completely Unphased). Then, they manage to catch Alastor by surprise and do it to him, but instead of the typical reaction, Alastor startles before bursting out into staticky giggles. Alastor has no clue WHY it tickles so much, but it does, and he's practically paralyzed in a weird half-curled position as whoever has the massager just keeps running it over is head over and over. He can't try to escape, he can only giggle and babble out nonsense words, especially when the ends rub up against his ears which only makes it MORE ticklish, which he didn't think was possible. After the other demon shows mercy (and somehow isn't immediately slaughtered) Alastor develops a healthy fear of the massager, and grows incredibly anxious with anticipation and adorably flustered any time someone brings one out

Speaking of massagers brings me to my second headcanon. This man CANNOT get a massage or he will absolutely die. People who are tense can be more ticklish as a result, and since Alastor is already incredibly ticklish, having tense muscles makes this 100x worse. I have really tense shoulders, and any massage there immediately makes me hysterical, and I imagine Alastor would be the same. If he was comfortable enough to do so, he would be the kind of person to absolutely die if he were to get a full-body massage because it would tickle so damn much - even through the pain that comes with massages. Rosie likes to pretend to massage his shoulders and neck just so she can tell him to stop squirming and giggling so much because she's trying to help him

Another quick headcanon. I like to imagine that he's mostly covered in fur, and while it isn't terribly long in most places, it can still get tangled after a shower, or after being smothered by his clothes all day, so he has to brush it regularly. This is an absolute nightmare for him. Even when he's brushing his own fur, he has to stop every few seconds because he starts laughing too much in certain areas, like over his sides or belly for example. No matter how often he does it, he never gets used to the feeling, and it only gets worse if someone else (usually Rosie) does it for him. At least if he does it himself, he can stop once he starts laughing. It makes it take a long time, but it's less flustering. If Rosie (or Satan forbid someone else for whatever reason) brushes his fur, she usually tries to get a much done at once as she can, so she usually keeps going until he's begging for a break. Also, she thinks it's absolutely adorable, so she'll keep brushing areas that make him squeal long after all the tangles have been removed

Last one for now is that he can feel the static from people's phones. If he's close to someone when their phone rings, he can usually feel the static of it crawling teasingly over his skin. It usually isn't a big deal, but if someone is being bombarded by calls that they keep ignoring (let's say Valentino obsessively calling Angel Dust), the static quickly becomes overwhelming and he'll beg the person to answer their phone or turn it off, if straight up bashing it against the nearest wall isn't an option. It doesn't tickle a particular area, more of an all-encompassing tickle over his entire body. If he gets to the point of begging them to answer, it's usually because he can't hold his laughter and squirming anymore and is trying not to make a fool of himself. He feigns annoyance so people don't find out the real reason he wants the calls to stop. The secret comes out when Angel absolutely refused to answer Valentino one day, but didn't want to turn off his phone because he was in the middle of doing something on it, and Alastor finally broke and curled up where he sat, giggling hysterically and begging Angel to turn his phone off

That's all I have for now, I hope you enjoyed these headcanons. If you decide you like them enough to incorporate them into anything you write/draw, tag me!!! I'd move to see it. Also, as mentioned earlier, feel free to add onto this as you wish, I'd love to see how you all make these headcanons your own

[witch--btch]

Tokyo Revengers Manga spoilers that everyone needs to see

(if u are can handle it)

Why did someone have to point out that Sanzu has been present for both Sano brothers’ sui*ides….

[xhollowfaerie]

silverv (sadness hours) drabbles #2

warnings: angst, character death, mourning, big big sadness :( a/n: I haven't even finished the game, I just vaguely know some of the endings, so idk if this even counts as spoilers? it's more of a what-if I imagined bc I don't even know if it really makes sense but this isn't super canon compliant, I just really missed my partner while they were at work and ended up depressing myself more lol I cried sm writing it and they cried reading it so idk if there's typos or inconsistencies or weird syntax, neither of us can reread it well enough to fix them bc we're saps

- End of Beginning.

“Hell of a ride, huh, Johnny?” Blood spurted out of her mouth onto his clothes as he held her. Johnny had never trembled before in his life. Not when he performed in front of thousands. Not when he raced through Arasaka Tower. Not when Adam Smasher blew him in half. 

“Don’t do this to me, V” was all he could say through the lump in his throat, feeling the drips down his face before seeing them roll off her cheeks.

Fuck. He’d thought it over and over, but he never fucking told her. And now, he’d fucked up. They were out of time.

She was so beautiful. V laughed, clinging to his hand and squeezing it reassuringly. He squeezed it back before cupping her face, running his thumb over the mix of his tears and her blood.

Both of their visions glitched and a rapidly climbing percentage aggressively flashed at them.

“Fuck, FUCK! It wasn’t supposed to go like this, I was- I was gonna fix it, V, I- FUCK!” Johnny broke down and buried his face into his hand, holding V closer to him as he looked away and clenched his teeth, bumping his balled up fist into his forehead.

“This isn’t happenin’. Tell me this is just one of our nightmares. We’ll wake up and blow these fuckin’ ‘saka bastards off the map.”

All she could do was smile up at him, reaching her hand to softly brush some hair out of his eyes.

“I know you’ve heard me thinkin’ it, but I’d never admit it. Your fangirls were right... You are a hunk.” Her own eyes filled to the brim with tears. She held his face lovingly.

“V, listen, this isn’t how this ends, I won’t fuckin’ let it-”

“Johnny.” “Damn this fuckin’ cesspool of a world, fucked full to the brim with greed, I’ll burn it ALL TO THE FUCKIN’ GROUND IF IT MEANS!-” “Johnny.”

His miserable expression lingered on her smile. He touched the warm hand over his face, and both of their expressions flickered with the faintest relief, followed by the deepest sorrow.

One last time, they get to feel each other’s touch. 

And this time, they both knew. It was as real as it could get.

“We both suck at this, don't we?” Her voice. No, he couldn’t fucking imagine living in a world without her voice, without their bickering, without hearing her scream her heart out and play his old songs on her guitar…

“I’m sorry, Valerie.” Her eyes widened as he apologized, before leaning down to rest his forehead against hers. “I’m so fucking sorry.” She took in his scent for one last time. Her favourite mixture of cigarettes, whiskey and chilli peppers, that stupid mac and cheese he always had her make…

He would never forget how sweet her voice sounded.

“It’s okay.”

With the last of her strength, she held her necklace, the fateful bullet Vik had plucked out of her skull, the day her and Johnny first met. The day she died.

“Take care of Nibbles, alright?”

She held it to his chest, taking his dog tags between her fingers and tangling their necklaces together with a sly grin.

“Go. And promise me… you’ll really live this time. For yourself. For…” Johnny didn’t want to hear it. He inched in closer, their lips barely apart. 

He didn’t wanna hear it.

Their kiss was short and sweet. Johnny didn’t want to let go, so she whispered against his lips.

“I forgive you, Johnny. I’d do it all over again, and there’s no other rockerboy I’d rather cuss out  in my head until the end of my days.”

With shaky hands, Johnny took off his dog tags and placed them around her neck. His sobs worsened, and he tried to hold her tighter, squeeze her harder; as he did, she began dissipating into ones and zeroes, melting into him until he caught one last glimpse of her before she was completely gone.

“See you in the next one, John. Don’t miss me too much.”

Johnny collapsed onto the bare floor of code, feeling the agony of the Relic inside their head. 

Feeling the thing he’d feared the most.

He couldn’t feel her anymore. At all. All that was left in her wake was her necklace. He held it so tightly his knuckles turned white. The last thing he remembered was the sensation of his palms going numb.

- Sailor Song.

Johnny flicked the cigarette into the dirt, taking a sip of the pomegranate soda. V’s tastebuds relished at the familiar drink, making a laugh bubble in his chest.

“Fuck, V. Your body really likes this shit. It don’t even taste like mudwater no more.”

Her bullet necklace dangled from her- his neck.

He glared at the view of the city off the cliffside, resting against the hood of their Impala.

His shaky hand squeezed the paper it was holding onto before catching himself and loosening his grip, lest he wrinkled his most prized possession. Wordlessly, he tucked his wallet out of his back pocket, opening it up to a small picture of V’s smile he had taken one time she got drunk and he used her lack of sobriety to take a selfie of her grinning like an idiot with messy hair and no makeup. He thought he did it to fuck with her at the time. Now he knew he did it because he was aware, in the back of his mind, of how much he’d miss her.

He stared at the picture for a moment before stripping his gaze from it, catching his reflection in a nearby puddle. The way the face staring back was as much him as it was V both destroyed him and helped sew back together the irreparable gush inside his heart. He struggled to settle into her body, to claim it as his - it felt wrong - but he could no longer recall struggling to call her home. So he did his best to keep bits and pieces of both and carefully stitch them together. He let her natural roots grow out and dyed them black, the rest of her hair staying pink. Johnny used her muscle memory to redye it from time to time, remembering the countless nights he’d try to explain to her, time and time again, that he couldn’t see the damn back of her head, woman, I can’t see any more than you do, you-

“...drive me insane” their gravelly  voice rang out of his throat. “You’re a dick, you know that?” he replied to himself, before returning to the lower, rougher tone his voice had settled in her vocal chords at. He had found himself replaying many of their conversations out loud, lately.

“And you’re a cunt. We might just fit together after all.”

He cleared his throat after a moment of silence and slid the aviators back over his watering eyes. “Christ, Johnny. Talkin’ to yourself? Who’s a senile old man now?” The words took him by surprise, so much so that his eyes widened and, for a moment, darted around as if to catch a glimpse of her. The gust of wind howled past him, leaving nothing in its wake.

He took one last fugitive glance at his arm, Johnny + V permanently inked into them. He broke into a grin before grimacing and grinding his teeth, hopping off the hood to kick an empty beer can and grab his head, letting out a howl.

The words scribbled in V’s handwriting resided within the letter in his wallet, the same words he had taken the liberty to tattoo on V’s other arm, opposite of their stupid tattoo he got when he took over her body one time. The note she had left him the day she knew was their last together, taken out of a poetry anthology they had been reading over cigarettes and bourbon for weeks, whenever they woke up from a nightmare.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ― Edna St. Vincent Millay"

[thenamesapollo]

can u watch my grampa real quick he's being weird again

[bl00dh0unds]

dew likes to watch the rain.

he sits by the big window in the ghoul common room, hands in his lap, eyes wandering over the courtyard outside.

everyone else knows not to bother him during this time. whenever they hear the pitter patter of the rain on the windows, they know not to go looking for Dew. it’s his time.

why does he do this?

it reminds him of who he used to be. before the Clergy took his element away. he doesn’t feel right in his own skin anymore. he’s too warm for his own liking. he changed, and he doesn’t like it.

everyone else tries to help him. they feel terrible, almost guilty for letting the Clergy take him away from them — take their dewdrop away. it wasn’t a matter of his element, it was a matter of his happiness. dew hates what he became.

everyone else tries to help him. mountain, the most. he hates seeing his mate like this, practically a shell. he’s not like he was, he’s distant. it’s almost like he’s a memory for mountain. he tries to break the walls that the transformation put around his beloved, but nothing he tries ever works.

mountain tries everything. taking him swimming in the lake — ending up with dew sitting on the dock and mountain trying to gently coax him into the lake.

he wants his dew back.

dew hates the emotional turmoil he’s putting on his packmates. his brain calls him a burden. he tries to fake being how he was, but it hurts him to keep it up. nobody ever believes him, anyway. they can see right through him, and it almost hurts him to see how easily they know their dewdrop.

dew feels wrong every time mountain calls him ‘honeybee.’ it was all because of his purring. his gills made it sound like the buzz of a honeybee. it was the most adorable nickname, and he was mountain’s honeybee.

his purring is more like growling now. gravelly and scratchy. he wants to be mountain’s honeybee again, even if mountain never stopped calling him that.

he looks in the mirror and sees how he changed. he hates it.

the way his hair went from a silvery blonde to an orangey blonde. the way his eyes went from a beautiful dark blue to dark grey. his scarred gills.

mountain would admit it a thousand times; he was still beautiful as ever, but it didn’t feel right. because dew didn’t feel right in his own body.

the thing about dew’s transformation that messed mountain up the most was his scent. fresh rain, the morning dew, dry sand on the beach.

it was a scent that mountain looked forward to when he entered dew’s vicinity. it still lingered on some of dew’s things, on the bedsheets in mountain’s room, on mountain himself.

after that day, the scent was gone. replaced by the scent of a blown out candle.

one that lost its flame.

he wants his dew back.

[frenchfriedgiraffe]

not feeling great currently, so heres more brotzly for the soul