#that means I am perfect & can do no wrong & ignore all the issues in it & how it's just like the rest but I like it so it's “different”

[sunnys-sonnets]

What really sold the idea of modern au to you since you have always been far away from that trope, would you have seen your past self ever modernizing GOW 😆

Nothing. I still don't like it.

But Listen, hear me out... It's different with my child, my baby, my fic, because my fic is the perfect smart baby that can do no wrong and yes that does mean you need to ignore that it may be as snotty-nosed as the rest.

But fleshing out a fun concept with a friend on the server did make it more interesting. I typically hate reading boring modern-day problems because why in the Pillbury Dough Boy fuck would I want to read fiction like that when I live it. But fleshing out this weird relationship and finding a way to make it Modern-day Heimtreus has been interesting to force it to work since Mordenizing Heimdall can either mean making him someone that commits hate crimes or watering him down to be a regular day asshole.

There's also that I get to put funny anecdotes into this fic. Some of them are mine or a family member's or a friend's or completely made up but they have been so much fun to write. I hope it's fun for others to read it like it is for me to write it

[b00kdiary]

Okay I've been debating about requesting this. However, I think you would do this lovely.

Reader is shopping for her wedding dress and is really excited only for the workers. They treat her terribly for her size and make her feel uncomfortable, so she leaves trying on only like 2 dresses and feels icky and when her mate (Cassian) wants to cuddle he can sense somethings off especially when he evades his touch.

Take some liberties with it. But I had this experience recently with my bridesmaids, and we didn't feel insecure, but we all left feeling really angry and upset

Full disclosure I did write something similar to this with Rhys, but I would honestly love your take with Cassian because I think you write him beautifully 😍

Mine | Cassian

Cassian X Plus Size reader

Y/N goes wedding dress shopping and is confronted with females who make it clear that they think she’s unworthy of being Cassian’s mate, that she shouldn’t be his wife. Cassian shows her just how fucking wrong they are.

Warning: Mature themes (18+), swearing, body image issues and mean comments, fluff, angst and Mild Smut. (A/N to the lovely person who requested this I am sorry this happened to you, and I hope this work is how you'd like!)

MASTERLIST - 1 and 2

"A size 18?"

The female before me asked again – for the third fucking time.

And just like the first and second, her beautiful face twisted, lips curling in a cruel smirk, blue eyes widening and her tone – I could hear the condescension in it. But what really took the cake was how her eyes raked down my figure, from head to toe looking at me like I was dirt on her shoe.

"Yes," Mor breathed, speaking sharply through her clenched teeth. I glanced sidelong at her, nervous at the anger simmering in her golden eyes. "She said that already. Thrice."

The female's eyes slid from me to Mor, and she had the good sense to look uneasy at the blonde's wrathful expression. I kept my face neutral when she met my gaze, a faux-innocent smile on her pink lips before she dipped her head in a bare nod and scurried away.

I glared as her long, slender legs carried her, shapely hips and slim waist swaying with every graceful movement. No wonder why she was looking at me like I was the fucking elephant in the room. She was tiny, as was every other worker in this stupid shop.

"I am going to pluck her eyes from her head," Mor seethed quietly from beside me. I turned to her, bracing my hands on my soft hips as I met her furious frown. "And tear her tongue from her mouth. She is awful."

"Yes, she is," I chuckled, pushing down the ache in my chest as I met Mor’s stare. I wouldn’t let her meanness affect me. Nor would I let Mor try and defend my honour. “But we’re here for a wedding dress, this is meant to be fun. Just ignore her.”

Mor sighed, tucking the strands of her long blonde hair from her face. I gave her a hopeful smile and I could see her physically forcing down her anger for my sake. A second later her golden eyes met mine and she beamed.

“You’re right, this is meant to be fun,” Mor grabbed my hand, smirking as she tugged me along the shop floor to the dressing room, passing the dozens and dozens of gorgeous gowns. “And you're going to marry your mate. Cassian is one lucky male.”

We passed a group of female workers, re-organising the rack – and it was almost comical how they all halted at Mor’s words, eyes widening. Mor’s smirk broadened and she shot them a cruel, amused look.

“Mate and soon-to-be wife of General Cassian of the Night Court,” Mor continued, feigning ignorance to the group of females now listening. Their faces ashen as they flickered their gaze to and from me. “You really do need the perfect dress.”

I rolled my eyes at her gloating tone, slapping her hand in mild scolding as we stopped before the dressing room doors. I tried to ignore how the workers watched me, but I could feel their deadly stares boring holes into my back, all over my body – I could feel the awful judgement.

“I think the one we chose will be perfect,” Mor continued, oblivious to the stares I was getting and the whispers behind my back. I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing an easy smile onto my lips as she gushed. “The neckline, the bodice, the skirt – Cassian won’t know what hit him.”

“Let’s wait and see if they have my size first,” I muttered, drumming my fingers impatiently as we waited. Mor shot me a look, frowning but I just stared ahead. I didn’t want her to feel bad for me.

“If this store doesn’t another will,” Mor said, her tone a shade softer now. “Besides, we have the best tailors in Velaris, we could have a gown fit for a queen made for you if you wanted. I know Cassian would want nothing less than the best for you. So do the rest of us.”

A gown fit for a queen. Something fit for the mate of the General. The thought made me feel nauseous for some reason. Still, I gave Mor another smile, nodding along as if I liked the idea.

Mercifully, the female worker arrived before Mor could press me anymore about what I thought. Or unmercifully if the fake smile she wore as she approached was any indication. Or how she held that size 18 dress like the largeness of it might rub off on her.

Mor was right. She is fucking awful.

“Here we are,” She chirped, draping the bag over my arm with more force than necessary. She eyed the dress, disdain in them. “Size 18. Sadly, that is the largest we do. So, hopefully, it fits.”

Hopefully sounded more like I hope it doesn’t – sounded like she wanted to laugh at me when it didn’t.

“Hopefully,” I gritted out, shooting her a bland smile before walking away without another word.

Mor chuckled quietly as she followed after me, leaving that awful female standing there – dismissed. Perhaps it was mean, I was not someone who was ever rude to staff and yet this woman had brought that side out of me.

She’d also brought out the side of me that felt sick with nerves at the idea of trying this dress on.

***

Mor began crying the second I stepped out of the changing rooms wearing the dress.

“Oh Cauldron,” She laughed, red-painted nails coming to her face, wiping the endless tears away. I smiled as I descended the steps moving toward the mirrors. “You look beautiful, Y/N. Truly, you’re a dream.”

I smiled at my friend; throat too tight to voice how much her words meant to me. My legs shook a little as I moved toward the mirrors. The dress had fit, and she was right – I did look like a dream.

“Gods, it’s beautiful,” I whispered, voice shaking. I ran my trembling hands along the tight-laced bodice, down the soft silk material as it draped along my curved hips and fell in soft, elegant weaves down my thighs and to the floor.

It fit me like a glove. The simple, sweetheart neckline accentuated my chest, the bodice moulded perfectly against my waist and hips and the material looked rich, looked like it was made for a queen.

“You’re beautiful,” Mor said softly, coming to stand behind me in the mirror, tears glistening in her eyes as she ran her hands through my hair, “I think this might be the dress.”

“I think so too,” I laughed, my eyes burning with emotion as I stared at myself. Beautiful – it was a feeling I rarely experienced and yet, right now I did. I felt beautiful. “This is my dress.”

Mor shrieked, and I flinched at the shrill sound as she laughed, hugging me so tight I could scarcely breathe. I giggled, sniffing as I wrapped my arms around her slender frame, and I was beaming just as broad as she was.

Until the door cracked open.

And that female stood in the doorway. Frowning at me.

“You’ve found your dress then?” She said tightly, interrupting Mor’s elated nonsensical muttering about Cassian and the wedding and something about drinking. “It fits.”

I straightened as Mor pulled away from me, all remnants of a smile gone from her lovely face, and she was as stiff as me as we turned to that female. I swallowed as her blue eyes racked across my figure, something akin to disgust rippling like waves through her gaze.

“Yes,” I said tightly, my arms unconsciously folding over my chest. As if to shield myself from her judgment. “It fits.”

“Excellent,” She replied, sounding anything but thrilled. But still, she smiled, an ugly sight, before she beckoned Mor to follow her. “We can figure out the details while she gets out of the dress. I imagine it might take a while.”

Mor’s canines flashed and the female took a step back in surprise when Mor looked as if she might lunge for her – and rip out her throat with her teeth. But I clamped my hand down around her wrist before she could. Her golden eyes turned to me, incredulous, but I merely shook my head with a warning in my eyes.

“That’s fine,” I said sharply, meeting her blue eyes and raising my chin, “I’ll see you both in a few minutes then.”

“Fine,” Mor muttered, sighing as my fingers uncurled from her wrist. I could see the anger on her face as she followed after the female. And rightfully so, the female kept a good distance between them as they exited the room.

I released a tight breath as I moved back to the changing room, locking the door and slumping back against it once I was inside. And just like that, I felt awful again. I felt big like I was taking up too much space. I felt ugly like this dress wasn’t for me. And most of all I felt unworthy.

A mixture of anger and sorrow washed over me as I slipped out of the dress and back into my usual leggings and top. I tried to not dwell on how that female had looked at me, how swiftly she had yanked me back to reality with something as simple as her words.

It shouldn’t have mattered and yet, for some reason it did.

“Did you hear-“

I heard the soft giggling voice as I yanked my shoes on, two pairs of footsteps and rustling clothes sounding in the main part of the dressing room. Admittedly, I might have softened my movements to hear them. I had a horrible feeling I knew what they were talking about.

“The female who came in before asking for a size 18,” She whispered, spitting the size like it was acid on her tongue. My chest tightened. “She’s mated to and marrying General Cassian. Cassian who looks like a God is tied to her.”

“Cauldron spare him,” The other female choked on a laugh, and they both sounded almost sorry for him – like they pitied Cassian for having me as a mate. “The least she could have done is lose some weight for the wedding. I’m a size 2 and I would have tried to get down to a 0, never mind being her size.”

Her size.

Hot, searing embarrassment spread over me like a fire. But I forced down the humiliation and the bile twisting in my gut as I rose to my feet grabbing my purse and unlocking the door as loudly as I could. They stopped speaking and moving, instantly.

And my face was like steel as I stepped out into the main room. And watched their eyes widen, faces turning ashen. It would have been amusing if they hadn’t just torn my sense of self to shreds.

“Oh-“ One of the females gasped upon seeing me. Dumb struck. I saw them both glancing at each other, faces reddening and scrambling to find the words to explain what I had overheard.

I said nothing as I began stalking away, but I kept my face hard and my back straight as I exited the room and moved back through the shop floor. They were scurrying after me, like the rodents they were, likely to beg me not to say anything.

“Y/N!” Mor grinned as she stood at the counter, the first female and another, older female by her side, sorting through some paperwork. Mor’s smile dimmed when she saw my stormy expression. “What-“

“We’re not buying that dress,” I said simply as I stopped at the desk. All eyes latched onto me in surprise. “I won’t be buying anything from this store.”

Mor blinked at me. But upon seeing the severity on my face, the way my hands were clenched around my purse until my knuckles turned white, she didn’t push it.

“All right,” Mor nodded, dropping the papers in her hand, and slipping her bag around her shoulder. She looked at me and smiled, “Let’s go.”

“Wait. Wait-“

I glanced at the older female, seeing the confusion and panic on her face. But it was nothing compared to the panic of the female worker beside her. She looked like she might pass out.

“I’m the manager here, ladies,” The elder female said, and her eyes were kind. She seemed kind. “If you have any issues, please I will do whatever I can to remedy it.”

“You’re the manager?” I asked, and she nodded. I smiled - it was not a kind sight. “Then you should know that I intended to buy that dress, it was lovely. But I won’t.”

“Because of her,” I looked at the first female at her side, my tone as sharp as a blade. She stiffened, like a doe caught by a predator as all eyes fell to her.

“And them,” I turned back to where the two other females stood. Just as stiff, just as caught off guard. Still holding the garments, they had been fixing when they were discussing my body in the dressing room.

“I’d re-think the kind of people you employ here, how they speak and treat your customers,” I said, turning back to the eldest female. She had anger in her eyes now – like this wasn’t the first time. “Because I won’t pay to be ridiculed. And I will ensure that no female I know will come here either, not with the likes of them working here.”

“I apologise for whatever offence they caused, my dear,” She frowned, shaking her head at me. She genuinely looked upset. “I will deal with this accordingly.”

I turned my attention to the workers, to the anger and tears in their eyes. They glared at me as if this were my fault. I shot them a saccharine smile before turning, Mor on my heel as we walked away.

“Are you all right?” Mor asked me softly when we left the shop and walked back into the bustle of the main street.

“I’m fine,” I lied, keeping my eyes straight ahead. “I just want to go home. It’s been a long day.”

***

I hear Cassian and Azriel’s laughter the second Mor and I step into the house. And Cassian must sense my presence because I feel a soft brush down the bond, adoring and needy as if trying to coax me to come to him faster.

“Sweetheart,” Cassian grins the second I walk into the room, his handsome face lighting in the most breathtaking way as he rushes over to me. His arms are around me in a second, enveloping me in a great, crushing hug.

It would be sweet. Except his hands dig into the flesh at my back. I can feel my stomach pressing into his hard, carved chest. And he’s lifting me, Gods, I cringe as my feet lift off the ground and he’s bearing all my weight.

“Hey, Cass,” I mutter, trying to force an easy smile onto my lips as he drops me gently to my feet. I push at his chest, pulling free from his hold as I step back, and I don’t miss the small, confused frown he gives me. “Hey, Az.”

Azriel smiles at me, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes as I stiffly move around my mate, every inch of me hard and wilting from his loving touch.

“You don’t have any bags with you?” Cassian noted from beside me, his hazel eyes moving from Mor, who was shoving her several bags onto the counter and then to me, with none. “I thought you were going wedding shopping?”

“I didn’t find anything,” I said simply, moving on stiff legs to the dining table. I brush off Cassian’s hand on my back as I do so, and Azriel’s eyes narrow. But again, I ignore it all as I pour myself a glass of water, staring at the clear water as if fills my cup.

“That’s not true, she found a beautiful dress, the dress,” Mor said, her voice exasperated. And my fingers tightened around the glass as I brought it to my mouth and sipped. “She was going to buy it, but the workers were such assholes to her-“

“Workers?” Cassian cut in, voice sharpening. I sighed when he marched to me, towering height peering down at me with anger and concern in his eyes. “What shop? What did they say-“

“Nothing, Cass,” I kiss my teeth, brushing away the hand he brought to my face, annoyance flaring in my eyes. His frown deepened, and so did the tension in the room. “Nothing happened, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine,” Mor argued, and my jaw clenched, as I looked away from my mate to the glass in my hand. “They were mean, Y/N and the way they spoke to you and looked at you, the way they treated you-“

“Mor!” I slammed the glass onto the table, so hard the wood shook from the impact. My sharp yell echoed through the silence as everyone stared at me – shocked. “I said it was fine. Just stop.”

Mor blinks at me, her face falling. I regret yelling at her immediately.

“I’m sorry,” She mutters, guilt in her eyes. I feel Cassian and Azriel’s attention unwavering on me and it’s too much. “I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s fine,” I whisper, voice shaking. My entire body is shaking as I step away from them, unable to meet anyone’s eyes. “I’m- I’m going to go get some rest.”

“Y/N,” Cassian called my name as I turned, but I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. So, I kept walking, and walking, and walking.

***

I’m sitting on the chaise in one of Cassian’s old shirts, reading and re-reading the same line in my book when he comes in.

I don’t lift my eyes from that one page, even as my heart thunders in my chest as he silently stalks over to me. I know he can hear my heavy breathing and erratic pulse; I know he can feel my sorrow in waves down the bond.

His footsteps are nearly silent as he moves toward me, and I feel his eyes like a brand on my skin. I suck in a harsh breath when he stops and drops to kneel before me. His large hands brace on my thighs, his face levels with mine and I’m shaking as I keep my eyes down.

I hear his throat work and I clamp my eyes shut when his hand comes forward, gently taking the book I wasn’t reading from my hands and discarding it on the floor beside him. So gentle, so tender, I could feel it just in the way he watched me.

“Look at me, my love,” Cassian whispers, fingers curling around my thighs. I cringe as he kneads my flesh, but his touch is adoring. “Please, look at me.”

I took in a stabilising breath before I fluttered my eyes open and lifted them to meet his. My heart broke at the pain in his eyes, that lovely face twisted with hurt as he beheld me.

“I’m fine,” I muttered. My voice broke. But still, I shook my head, trying to smile. “I’m fine Cass.”

“No, you’re not baby,” Cassian frowned, and a tear slid down from my eyes when his hand lifted and cupped my cheek, darkness in his eyes as he tracked that tear. And the next. And the next. “What happened? What did they say? I can’t fix it if I don’t know.”

My bottom lip trembled as more tears fell from my face, and Cassian released a broken, desperate groan as I tried to fight back my sobs. I curled one hand around his strong wrist, just needing to hold him, to anchor myself to his strength.

“They were looking at me like I was disgusting Cass,” I whispered, unable to say the words any louder. I kept my eyes closed as I spoke - I couldn’t face him. “Like just for existing in my body I should be ashamed.”

He shook with rage. I felt it down the bond, that primal, deadly anger that he rarely ever exhibited but when he did it was catastrophic.

“And when they heard, I was mated to you, that I would be marrying you,” Another sob broke free from me and his hand tightened at my jaw. He leaned forward, trembling as he pressed his forehead to mine. “I overheard them talking about how gorgeous you were and how fucking awful it was that you were mated to me.”

Pain danced through the bond, his pain not mine.

“And I just felt so guilty,” I breathed, sniffing as the tears leaked into my nose and mouth, as Cassian let them soak him too. “You should have a female walking down that aisle who is beautiful and thin, I didn’t even try and lose weight for the wedding, I’m sorry Cass-“

“Stop.” He snarled. And my eyes blinked open latching onto the searing, furious rage in his gaze. “Stop.”

“Cassian – “ I gasped as he grabbed me, fingers curling around my waist and hips and before I knew it, he was lifting me, spinning us so that he sat on the chaise, and I was straddling him. So fast. So easy. Like I didn’t weigh a damn thing.

“Listen to me, Y/N,” Cassian said severely, hand cupping my cheek and forcing my eyes to stay on his. I had never seen him so serious. “I’m going to speak and you’re going to listen, okay?”

I nodded slowly, blinking away the tears as I stared at him.

His hand stayed on my jaw, the other curling around my thigh and keeping my body flush with him. Every inch of me felt every inch of him. I tried not to cringe at what he could feel.

“Do not ever let anyone, male or female, make you question your worth and beauty,” He said, his voice steady and firm. So were his eyes. “Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you are not enough. You are worthy of the world and more, do you hear me?”

I swallowed, my throat painfully tight but at the command in his gaze, I nodded again.

“I should kill those females for speaking about you like that, for making you think that any inch of you is ugly,” He snarled softly, canines baring, and I hated how he frowned, wanting to rub away the crease between his brows. “You are beautiful. You are the most beautiful female I have ever seen in my life. And I thank the Mother every fucking day that she made you mine. That she made me yours.”

A tear trickled down my face. Cassian’s eyes softened and he rubbed that tear and the next away with a tender brush of his thumb.

“Don’t ever think I don’t love your body, I do, I love every curve baby, I can’t resist them,” He sighed, and my eyes fluttered as his hand began to languish across my thighs, moving over my fleshy hips and the rolls at my back with need. “I don’t want you to change anything about yourself, not for me, or a wedding, or to fit into a dress. I want you just as you are.”

“Are you sure?” I whisper, my voice so weak. And Cassian’s face falls at it, at the doubt and vulnerability in my words. “I don’t want to embarrass you Cassian.”

“You could never embarrass me,” He scoffs, and my body melts into his as his hand curves around to cup my ass, dragging me forward so that not even an inch of space remains between us. “I am nothing but a brute. A bastard. But with you? I am the luckiest male in the world, I get to have your heart, your smile, and your body to love and worship and comfort for the rest of my life. I pity other males who don’t have you.”

“You’re not a brute or a bastard or anything else of the sort,” I frown, denial sparking like embers in my eyes. Cassian laughs, his throat thick with emotion, but he laughs at the immediate anger in me. “I love you Cassian. Just like you love me.”

I knew he did. I never should have questioned it.

“And I love you, baby,” He smiles, that kind of smile that knocks the air from my lungs. “I love you so fucking much. I don’t want you to forget it but if you do, I will always be there to remind you.”

My eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips to mine, and the feeling is just like home. It’s like finding the other half of my soul and feeling it slot into place the second we meet. It’s perfect.

Cassian grins as I moan, my lips parting to let his tongue sweep in, hot and exploring, tracing against my teeth and tongue like he wants to devour me. His hands ravish along my body, palming my ass, cupping, and toying with my aching breasts, rubbing that deliciously thick length up into me.

“So responsive,” Cassian praises, running his tongue along my lips teasingly and I whimper as he rolls his hips against my wet, swollen clit, so hard I can feel him through his slacks and my underwear. “So beautiful when you’re rubbing against me, my love.”

“Cass,” I moan, eyes fluttering as presses wet kisses against my jaw, his hands cupping my ass and dragging me back and forth over his cock. He groans a rough, lewd sound, one that goes straight down to the heat between my thighs.

“I think you should forgo a dress on our wedding day,” Cassian grumbles against my cheek, hazel eyes flashing mischievously as I grind down against him, faster and harder. “I couldn’t imagine a better sight than you walking down that aisle completely naked, looking like the goddess you are.”

“Cassian,” My back arched, the slickness between my thighs growing more and more, especially as he growled those filthy words into my ears. His hands do not stop for a second, exploring and touching every inch of me.

“Whatever dress you wear will be on the floor anyway,” He chuckles darkly, and I clench around nothing when he shifts me back, his hand slipping between our bodies to untie his slacks. I groan when he pulls his cock free, eager as I push my underwear to the side and line him up to my entrance.

“I plan to make love to this perfect cunt from the second you’re tied to me,” He snarls softly and I’m a moaning mess as I sink, taking inch after inch into my wet core, loving how good he stretches me. “A dress would just be an unnecessary obstacle.”

His teeth nip and bite against my throat as he maxes out inside me and I have to brace my hands on his chest to calm myself, stretched so wide, feeling him so deep. He grins at how breathless and desperate I am, seated inside me like this was his home.

“You want me to walk down naked on our wedding day?” I lift my eyes to him, clenching around him and watching his eyes flutter at the feeling. I smirk, cupping his jaw as I slowly roll my hips. “With so many males present?”

His eyes darken. Like death.

“Rhysand, Azriel, Helion, Varian,” I roll my hips again, moaning at the spark of pleasure that runs through me. Cassian’s hands tighten on my hips, hard enough to bruise and my smirk broadens. “Lucien, Jurian, Eris-“

“I will kill them all before letting them see you naked,” Cassian bucks his hips up violently, slamming his cock to the hilt. I choke on a gasp, slumping into his awaiting embrace.

“Every-“ Thrust. “Last-“ Thrust. “Fucking-“ Thrust. “One.”

I cry out as he drives his cock into me, the sound of my arousal dancing through the air, mixing with my moans. Cassian groans, and I can feel that primitive Fae instinct in him as he fucks me as if he wants to imprint himself onto my very skin.

“You’re mine, baby,” His canines bite against the junction of my throat, just as his cock hits a deep, spongey spot inside me. “All fucking mine.”

“I’m yours, Cass,” I whimper, panting as he slides in and out of me at a brutal pace, every shift of his hips rubbing against my swollen clit. “I’m all yours, yours, yours – “

He smiles.

And fucks me for hours like I was his.

And he was mine. 

_________________________________________

@mis-lil-red @hyemishii @assaultsofthought @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @loveareum @infintyfandoms @sarawritestories @eerievixen @nyotamalfoy @lewsnumerounofan @dreaming-about-fanfictions @sarawritestories @nottyourlover @bbycowboi @morganwdarius @marvelsmylife @justasillylittlegoofyguy @allyjoe755 @just-a-social-casualty-1 @eleventhboi @sfhsgrad-blog @glam-targaryen @firebreathingbishqueen @sindulgent666

Comment to be added to the tag list!

Taking requests for all SJM men x plus size reader!

[sweatervest-obsessed]

hello !! rn i'm in the mood for some angst with a happy ending so can i request something where reader's got really bad abandonment issues? 🥹 maybe they fight over something which makes r leave ++ spence is confused bc it's so sudden n unlike them but it's all bc theyre scared he'll leave first n then it's just lots n lots of reassurance🥹🥹 thank you!!

Obsessed.

Thank you for the ask!!

So I wrote you this gorgeous 1k fic. I was so fucking proud of it. And then my computer deleted the WHOLE THING (which is why I am so behind on responding to this lmao). But. I rewrote as much of it as possible, and then changed and added a few things. So now it's better than before.

I really enjoy this version ,and I hope you do too!! so please enjoy!!!!!

WC: 1.5k

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

TW: Anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, self-destructive tendencies, swearing, abandonment issues lmao

“What do you mean….”

You couldn’t look at him. How could you? I mean, leaving the love of your life because you know he could never love you back in the way you love him. He’d just leave anyways.

They all do.

You’re just trying to minimize the pain.

But why did it hurt so fucking much.

Which was why you kept your gaze anywhere but him.

“I-I-I—“ You kept your gaze on the ground. “I can’t do t-this anymore Spencer.”

“Can’t do what. Y/n you aren’t making any sense. What’s going on?”

You should you head. “It’s over. Spencer.”

"Y/n what are you..."

Looking at the ground, you began to fidget, something about his gaze on you was making he whole situation worse. Originally you were going to just send him a text and disappear for the rest of your life, but he came home early. He wasn't supposed to be home for another day.

"Spencer I-I." You flexed your hands, trying to find the right words. "It's done Spence. I can't.."

"You can't what?" His voice was a whisper. You could hear the heartbreak in his voice, but you wouldn't dare look at him. If you looked at him, you would cave and stay and he would take your heart in his hands and crush it to dust.

But why did this hurt so much?

"What is going on Y/n. Talk to me."

You couldn't understand why he was being so caring. Why was he so fucking perfect. It felt like a sick joke that the universe gave you this perfect man, and then put the sinking feeling in your gut when it got too good. Like something was going to go wrong.

And you wanted to be ahead of it. Start the grieving process now before you got too deep.

It's too late for that anyways.

His voice was soft. He didn't move towards you. He didn't want to 'spook' you---he knew you so well.

You know him so well.

Clearly, whatever tactic you had tried to employ when he came home, wasn't working, so you decided to shift. You shifted to the anger resting in your gut. The hot and heavy coals that burned through your skin and made you seeth with anger.

"Y/n, please, look at me."

You couldn't. And he fucking knew that too. You stormed past him and towards the bedroom.

Spencer was speechless, completely unsure as to what was going on.

When he arrived home you had been shoving things into your suitcase, but then when you saw him you froze up and started to try and break up with him.

"Talk to me. What is going on?"

You ignored him and started to pull clothes out of their respective drawers and onto the bed you two shared. It was hectic, and aggressive. You were slamming things, stomping--anything to hide the slight tremor in your hands, and make you seem bigger than you were.

"Y/n!"

His voice made you jump but it didn't stop you. You took the pang of guilt in your stomach and tried to twist it into the anger you so desperately tried to justify.

Spencer slowly moved over to you and tried to take you hand.

"NO." You threw the small pile of clothes you had just taken from the closet on to the ground and pulled away quickly. "No Spencer god. Wh-what don't you fucking get. We're done. It's over."

Spencer rarely heard you raise your voice, let alone yell, and definitely never at him. But you weren't even looking at him.

You fucking hated it when he profiled you. It made your skin crawl when you felt his eyes roaming over you. "Look at me."

His voice wasn't hateful. It wasn't angry. It was soft, understanding.

God why did he have to make this so fucking hard.

"Y/n..."

"Spencer. Stop."

You felt the moment he realized what was happening in your brain., You weren't the easiest to read, but you weren't exactly a closed book either.

"Look at me."

You looked up and made eye contact with him, hoping that the last part of your will would hold strong, and get you through this.

Spencer's eyes were filled with worry and disbelief. You saw the swarm of emotions as he locked eyes with you. But behind all of the disbelief and concern and love and pain was fear. You could see the pain he was so desperately trying to hide from you.

You know him so well.

Spencer could see the straight fire in yours. They were lit with a facade of anger and pain and hatred. But you could never hate Spencer. Never. And he saw right through it. He could see the panic in your eyes. The pure terror and pain.

You hated that he knew you so well.

"Y/n..."

He took one step forward, not trying to corner you, but trying to get closer to you. You took one step back.

"No." You shook your head.

"Please just talk to me."

Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid wonderful voice and his kind eyes and his love and the way he knows exactly how you take your tea in the morning and all of your favorite books and why you love the 2005 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice so much and what animals you wanted to have one day and why you hated spiders and the ocean so much and which museums and monuments you had on your bucket list. Fuck this man for loving you so hard, and making you want to spend every single moment of your life with him.

"I-I--" and fuck him for making your voice crack. You took another small step backwards.

"Please." Another step forward.

This time, all you could do was shake your head and break eye contact. You were tensing up the closer he got to you.

"Y/n."

"N-No" You chooked on your own voice. A single tear broke through and slide down your cheek.

"Baby please..." Another step. "Just talk to me. What's going on?"

That was the final straw for you.

The dam broke, and tears poured down your face. You let out the most heartbreaking sob that Spencer could have never imagined.

His arms were quickly around you, catching you and bringing you both down to the floor, where he held you against his chest.

You shook your head and tried to escape from his grasp, but he just held on tighter to you, not letting you go. Spencer could never let you go, he just didn't know how to tell you that.

Through your tears, you started to hyper ventilate. Spencer wouldn't let you leave his arms. It felt like a boa constrictor. You couldn't breathe.

You started to panic, not taking in as much air as you should, causing your head to get dizzy. You tugged on Spencer's arms as he tightened his grip on you, determined to keep you safe in his arms while you got whatever it was out of your system.

You screamed at him to let you go. He didn't respond, only holding you against his chest and you angrily slammed your hands against it.

Why was he so fucking perfect. Why couldn't he just let you leave and walk away.

Fuck.

Once your breathing had started to even out a bit, Spencer adjusted the two of you, still on the ground, so that you were straddling his lap with your arms around his neck.

Surrounding you was all of your clothes thrown about, and your suit case barely filled with anything.

He didn't say anything, just continued to rub his thumb against your hip, letting you come down from whatever sort of panic you just went through.

He held you close to his body, deciding in that moment to never let you go, ever.

You felt the world slow down. Time melted beneath you as the sun rose and set, the moon waxed and waned, The leaves browned and fell of the trees, and the earth stopped spinning at the end of time and all of the stars had died out. The world had stopped but you were still in Spencer's arms.

"I don't know..." He whispered in your ear, and the world started to turn again. "What just happened in your head--"

You tried to speak up but he just shushed you gently. "But we don't have to talk about it until you're ready."

You nodded.

What did you do in this world to deserve this man?

"Why don't we make some tea?" He whispered, and you just nodded again, holding onto Spencer as if the floor was going to give out and cause you to fall through the pits of hell and judgment, away from one another.

Neither of you went to move, finding peace in one another's arms.

While Spencer truly had no idea what just occurred, or why it occurred, he was still sitting here with you. And while you owed Spencer an apology and an explanation, he was still sitting here with his arms wrapped around you, kissing your shoulders.

Spencer Reid was going to stay with you for as long as you'd let him, and he would do anything to get you to see that, even if it meant sitting on the floor of your shared bedroom, holding you until the stars burned out and the world stopped spinning.

[no-face-no-shame]

A quick vent but this really bothered me

Why do people like All Might bashing so much? Like, what's the point? Especially since most of it is so out of character that it's just painful to read. Like, he's not flawless (that's kinda the point of his character - breaking the illusion of perfection.) But writing him as abusive/mean is just ridiculous, taking into consideration that his big *thing* is wanting good for others.

Today I saw a fic where the whole plot was basically "Aizawa is a good dad to Izuku who's diagnosed with autism, while All Might is horrible and ableist." Excuse me, but WHAT?? Ah yes, that man who's famously DISABLED, would totally be ableist and think that accommodation for a disabled student is "too much" and "unnecessary." That man who needs constant medical assist, who had to change his whole life to accommodate to his disability. Yeaaaaah, right.

Also, why are so many of AM bashing fics at the same time putting other teachers on pedestal. Aizawa was pretty awful to Izuku at the beginning, because he's a very judgemental person who needed to learn that he's sometimes wrong about others and that Izuku had a lot to offer. He certainly wasn't a perfect teacher, none of the UA teachers were. Aizawa got a great character development and later on was a good, dedicated teacher who sacrificed a lot for his kids. But treating him like he's a total angel who would never do anything wrong is just incorrect, especially considering that he's rough on students that are different from the rest in the way he considers "bad".

It really rubs me the wrong way when people literally ignore canon personalities of characters, break and reshape them into something those characters never were. You want a bad mentor for Izuku? Write an AU where his mentor is AFO. Write a villain AU where All Might is the bad guy and he's using Izuku as a tool. Or literally make an OC at this point. Just work with a different character that actually matches what you want to portray. Make Endeavour Izuku's mentor. Literally anything works better than trying to make All Might into a bad, cruel and abusive person. That's exactly the thing he'd never do.

I'm all for interpretations that focus more on the negative side of various characters - it can be very interesting. But some of y'all really just decided that you don't like AM for some reason and decided to rewrite the whole character, turning him inside out, to fit your personal issues with him. Issues that simply aren't there

[doraambrose]

I see this alot in fanon and I think jason Todd's parents are completely misunderstood.

Disclaimer: I am not a victim of parents with drug abuse nor have a I ever done drugs. I sympathize and emphasize with people who struggle with drug abuse as there are many reasons to get into it and it's very hard on your body to get clean, I will link help organizations below. This does mean that I can be a little ignorant to the struggles so if I say anything offensive or wrong, please call me out and educate me so I don't make the same mistake

Jason's family has been retconned so many times, it's hard to keep it straight. But this is my headcannon based on what I've seen:

1. I feel like a lot of people write Willis Todd to be this awful abusive scumbag who hated his kid and his wife. If you are talking about young justice or arkhamverse, this canonically true, but I think that's far from the truth in the main universe, prime or whatever it's called. In batman 411, jason is clearly distraught by Willis' death and does try to avenge him by lashing out at Two face. We also can't forget about the incident with the penguin that led to the worst Bruce and jason characterization before gotham war. And that's because of one rhato issue where jason finally reads willis' letters (a truly heartbreaking issue: rhato rebirth 23)

I believe that Willis wasn't a bad dad. Not a good dad, but not an awful abusive one. I 100% believe he has never abused his family in this universe. And you know what, he wasn't a great person. He was a drug dealer and then a henchmen. But he CARED. He cared about his family. He tried so hard to provide for Catherine and Jason for their medical bills, food, shelter. He just had a poor upbringing and some real shit luck, trying to survive in poverty in Gotham city.

2. Catherine has been written in fanon to be a perfect caring mother who was nothing but a victim. I believe that she wasn't as good of a mother and a person as people make her out to be. And we haven't seen everything, but I believe this because she seems selfish. She seems to put herself and her drug addiction before her family, doesn't seem to even try to get clean or take care of jason or provide. Look at these panels:

She neglected Jason. He had to go out and put his life on the line day after day when it should've been the other way around. Jason was a kid. And don't get me wrong, she probably loved jason and had good intentions, no, she definitely loved him, or else jason wouldn't canonically think as highly of her and take care of her the way he did, but she wasn't perfect and I don't think she was as good of a mother as she's made out to be.

3. Canonically, jason seems to really care for Catherine, but not Willis. I have a theory about that. For why he thinks so highly of catherine: I've never had a parent who suffered from drug abuse, but I do have a parent who suffered from a lot of mental health issues like depression, diagnosed, and I feel like bpd, though it was never diagnosed. When things were bad, they were BAD. I witnessed a lot. But when things were good, things were REALLY GOOD. I feel like when Catherine would come off the drug haze, things were like that. She probably took care of him during those times and was loving and all that. Catherine is the one parent figure Jason has to hold onto (because of all the shit with Bruce, Sheila, etc.). He forcibly removes the bad shit she's done and hangs onto the good things she's done because she really did care about him and in life, it seems harder to hate your mom than your dad (from what i have heard when i did research on this from friends). I've done that for years, and idk if I'm explaining it right, but I think that's the best way I can. For why he doesn't love willis: I think up until he read the notes, he didn't have the full picture. From his perspective, willis leaves to do crime and then eventually gets caught and left forever. I think he blamed willis for making jason become "the man of the house" and have all this extra responsibility. Willis also strikes me as the type of parent who has trouble expressing feelings, so jason probably rarely, if ever, heard "I love you" from his dad. Willis also strikes me as the person who would believe that he needs to make his son stronger in order to survive, and there are a lot of parents like that, especially parents from a low income household or a history of poverty.

In conclusion, both parents were FAR from perfect parents, but they're not as evil or as innocent as people write them in fanon. They're just...people. fanon likes to write comic people as black or white, innocent or abusive, but in reality, It's a gray area. Willis had his flaws, I hc him as one of those old fashioned kind of dads who wants his son to be tough and strong and isn't good with sharing his feelings, but does truly care about his family and NEVER was abusive. Catherine was a mother who definitely cared about her family, but wasn't an innocent victim and had her own flaws.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my Ted talk

[kimbappykidding]

Hot things about Exo that drive you crazy

Xiumin - How he handles people who under-estimate him

Your boyfriend was the king of surprising people. He had a youthful face but was nearly 33. He was chill and quiet but a world-famous kpop idol. He looked sweet and innocent but was cheeky and incredibly powerful...which one jackass found out.

You and Xiumin went to the gym together often because he didn't always have a lot of free time and every minute counted. Lately, a new guy had started coming to your gym and he was so annoying. He'd take up more space than necessary, thought he knew better than anyone and always liked to give the female gym goers in particular tips about what they were doing wrong. Xiumin hadn't seen him before as he'd been touring recently but you pointed him out to him the second you walked in together. Xiumin kept an eye on him but had no problems...until the guy appeared at his machine and started watching him. Xiumin could tell the guy had something to say but purposefully ignored him, not wanting to give him any attention...however that didn't stop him.

"Are you are you should be using this machine?" the guy asked and Xiumin looked at him "what makes you ask that?". "Just it's for proper body bulders not softer guys". Xiumin bit back his comment and smiled "I'm fine thanks" but the guys didn't let it go. "No but if you hurt yourself I'm the one who will have to save you". "Is there an issue here?" you asked coming over and Xiumin shook his head "don't worry it's all good" and put some more weights on his machine. "Come on little guy, you don't want to load too much on just to try and look good in front of a girl" the man said. Xiumin looked at you and nodded "you're right I do want to look good in front of her" and he put more on. The guy kept telling Xiumin he wouldn't be able to do it all the way up until Xiumin lifted the bar effortlessly above his head. The man's jaw dropped as he did 15 perfect reps and then set the bar down. "Hey Y/n can you hold my jumper?" he called taking it off and revealing his huge arms. "Sure thing babe" you called back and smirked as the guy's jaw dropped again.

He watched Xiumin do 30 more sets, just to be sure of course, and then interrupted. "Hey I'm so sorry, you just look so cute and tiny. I never thought you'd be able to lift that or have a girl like that" he admitted. Xiumin laughed "hey it's cool man, I mean it's not like you can control your thought rights?". "Yeah exactly!" the guy said but Xiumin shook his head "wrong. You can control your thoughts with enough will power and now I know what's going on in that head if I ever see you looking at my girlfriend again I'll show you just how not cute I am". "Hey there's no need to get testy" the guy said but Xiumin wasn't done. "Actually there is, let's say you are too weak-brained to control your thoughts that doesn't mean you say them out loud. You keep them to yourself instead of forcing all of us to listen to you. You seem to think we all want to hear you but we don't!" Xiumin said "so why don't you do everyone here a favour and find another gym huh?". The guy saw a member of staff just watching and looked at him "are you going to let me talk to him like that?". The member of staff remembered how just earlier today the man had knocked over a row of yoga blocks without picking them up, never rolled up his mat and ignored all the signs asking gymgoers to tidy up after themselves. "Yeah I am" he replied and the guy stormed out.  

You rushed over to Xiumin and hugged him. Xiumin assured you he was okay but that wasn't why you were wrapped around him.  "Okay that was hot" you whispered in Xiumin's ear and you felt his tension go from anger to something else. "It was?" he asked and you nodded "Incredibly hot, I love it when you tell assholes off. It always puts me in the mood...but you have another 30 minutes of your workout regime to do so guess I'll just have to wait" you said sighing dramatically and went to move away before Xiumin caught your hand "I think I can cut it short today". "Really?" you asked "but I know how important getting a good workout is for you". "Yeah well don't worry, I'll be getting a good workout, we both will" and you couldn't even pretend to fight it anymore.

So the two of you left hand in hand with huge smiles on your faces. Very keen to get home and start the home workout you had planned.  

Suho - How he doesn't care what people think

Suho would do anything for you and you meant anything. He did not care what the task was or how it made him look, if you wanted it, he'd do it. Once when your dog lost her toy in a fountain Suho just dove right in and retrreied it for her. He didn't care he was wearing expensive clothing or surrounded by people all watching him. You needed something and he got it. Then another time he got photographed while on a tampon run for you. You worried he'd be mad but he couldn't have cared less and when you pressed him on it he simply said "why would I care about what people other than you, my family and the guys think?" and you felt like the most special person in the world to be included in that group.

You still had no idea how far Suho was willing to go for you though until one night...

You and Suho were at a nice fancy restaurant for your 2 years anniversary and everything was going great...until you realised there had been some food on your chair before you sat down. It was brown-coloured too and had a strong resemblance to something you really didn't want on the back of your dress. Of course, you noticed right after you'd paid and were about to leave the restaurant. Neither you nor Suho had jackets because it was summer and to get to the exit you had to pass rows and rows of tables all pointed at you. You knew a few people here too and really didn't want them seeing you like this. Suho suggested shielding you with his body as you walked but you knew that would look so odd. Suho could see you were getting really stressed and came up with a solution.

"Okay here are the car keys, wait for my signal and go" he told and he hurried off before you could ask what the signal was. So you sat wondering what on earth to go when you heard an almighty crash. You, and everyone in the restaurant, turned and you gasped to see Suho covered in some spaghetti and red sauce, surrounded by a ton of broken plates and a very pink waiter. The waiter was apologising profoundly while Suho told them it was okay. You were staring in shock before Suho saw you and motioned to the door. "It's fine really!" Suho said and pretended to slip on some sauce and fall back into the trolley, spilling more food. You couldn't believe Suho would go this far for you and hurried from the restaurant. Nobody even batted an eyelid at you and you made it to the car still in shock.

10 minutes later Suho appeared wearing a t-shirt and shorts that weren't his with a white bag which you assumed contained his clothes. He got in and sighed "phew I'm ready for home!". "I'll say" you replied "what was that?". "What was what?" he asked before nodding "oh that? Well you needed a distraction and I was more than happy to give it". "But you hate breaking social conventions and embarrassing people". "Yeah but I hate you being upset more" he replied and you blinked. Suho the most polite, kind soul in the world would cause a scene in a nice restaurant just so you didn't feel bad.

You kissed him and Suho blinked "what was that for?". "For doing that for me, it was really sweet and I honestly very hot. Not a lot of guys would be willing to utterly embarrass themselves for their girl". "Well I'll always do it for you" Suho said and he leaned in to kiss you again before wincing as his arm brushed the seat. "Suho what's wrong?" you asked looking at his arm before gasping when you saw a cut.  "Your poor arm!" you cried inspecting it and Suho shook his head "it's fine..." but you weren't having it. "No it's not! We're getting you home where I can clean your arm and then we're taking a shower" you said putting the car into gear. Suho nodded happily before one thing stood out to him "you said we're taking a shower". You nodded "that kiss got cut off a bit prematurely right? Figured we could make up for it in the shower if you wanted?". Suho sat up straighter and nodded "yep! And feel free to skip any red lights you want to get home". You laughed shaking your head "slow down, what's the rush. I said you'd get a reward and you will, just sit back and relax". Suho looked at you with a smile and did as you said.

You'd never seen him tenser in your life...but you more than made up for it.

Lay - His innocent face when he's doing something bad.

Lay had a very chilled personality and a very beautiful innocent face to match...but Lay was far from innocent and he caused a lot of trouble for you with that combination.

Lay loved to tease you, especially when other people were around. His favourite trick was to rest his hand on your thigh or lower back when you were talking to someone. He'd tap his fingers against your skin or rub circles and just drive you crazy. He'd always shoot you an innocent confused look when you stared at him but you knew he knew what he was doing and that made him even hotter.

As he got more confident he started doing it around his members. You were eating with Exo one night when you noticed Lay watching you. You weren't sure why until you felt someone's foot budging yours. You soon realised it was Lays as he was sat across from you and kicked it away playfully but it just came back and started making it's way up your leg. Your eyes widened and you stared at Lay sure he wouldn't be doing something like this but he just smiled slightly and carried on eating like nothing was happening. Then when his leg got to a certain height you couldn't take it. You jumped, kicking the table and nearly gave Baekhyun a heart attack as he fumbled with his drink. "Jesus Y/n don't do that!" Baekhyun said and you gasped "I'm sorry!". "What's wrong?" D.O. asked and you shook your head "nothing my leg just fell asleep" and Baekhyun shook his head at you but Lay was softly smirking.

After that you decided to pout and not speak to him but when you all moved to the living room to watch a movie Lay actually got Sehun to swap seats so he could sit next to you. When you still didn't respond to him he hovered over your shoulder "are you mad at me?" he asked softly and you nodded "yes". "But I didn't do anything wrong" he said shaking a hand around the back of you where the boys couldn't see. "Yes you did" you sayd and elbowed his hand away. Lay sat back but wasn't done that easily. He could see how tense you were and knew you wanted him.

So he waited for the movie to start and then asked Suho for a blanket which he spread over the two of you. Lay had purposefully left his hands out so that when he touched you, his hands were cold making you jump. The guys noticed you move and Baekhyun laughed "leg fell asleep again?". "Something like that" you nodded and put your hand over Lay's to stop him from moving it. All he did instead was move closer to you, pulling you onto his knee. You tried to ignore the feeling of him pressed up behind you and focus on the movie but it was so difficult. You released Lay's arms and he wrapped them around you burying his head in your neck. "Lay!" you whispered and he looked at you "what? The movie's scary Y/n and you're my comfort person" and buried his head kissing your neck. You were torn between wanting Lay to continue and not wanting the guys to see anything.

Finally, 30 minutes later Kai paused the film for a bathroom break and you sprang up to go get a drink from the kitchen. Lay of course followed you and you ambushed him as soon as he walked through the door. You pushed him against the door and kissed him hard. You got all your pent-up tension out and let your hand wander over Lay the way he'd been doing it to you. Lay loved it and was soon panting and gripping you tightly. When you could feel him getting desperate you pulled away and he blinked his eyes open. "Want to go upstairs?" Lay asked and you smiled pretending to consider it before shaking your head "nahhh you're getting punished not rewarded. I hear the movie's 3 hours long so have fun thinking about what you did" and you strode back into the living room and purposefully took a seat sandwiched between Suho and Chen.

Two could play this game and Lay's pouty lips were your best reward.

Baekhyun - How everyone wants him...but he only wants you.

Baekhyun was hot and everyone knew it. He also wasn't shy and that meant he attracted a lot of attention from everyone within a 50-mile radius who was attracted to men. You knew Baekhyun was a flirt and didn't mind him flirting back with other idols for one important reason...he was yours.

So part of you loved to see the effect Baekhyun had on other people. Watching people stare after him and get giddy when he spoke to them made you realise how in-demand your boyfriend was. You knew it was petty but you just couldn't resist it. It also had an added layer as the two of you weren't out as a couple and couldn't be together in public. So nobody but you and Baekhyun knew what this was all about and it made you feel so special to have him as your precious secret and because Baekhyun knew you liked it he did it even more.

It was almost like a game and you watched as Baekhyun entered the party with his Exo members and noted who was watching him. A few people called out to him as he passed and he waved to them before heading to the bar. Baekhyun smiled as he passed you and you tried not to react. It took 5 minutes after Exo sat down for some people to join them at the table. The girl in question purposefully sat on Baekhyun's right and you saw her trying to get his attention. He eventually humoured her and started chatting to her. She blushed as he said something and then burst out laughing patting his arm. Some of the people were so obvious in their attraction to Baekhyun but you couldn't blame them, your boyfriend was sexy as hell.

Then the Exo boys got up to dance and Baekhyun managed to lose the girl but two more appeared on the other side of him. "Aren't you going to go out there and compete for him?" your member, who knew you were dating Baekhyun, asked. You smiled "why compete when you've already won?" but did join in the dancing a little later and caught Baekhyun staring at you, past some girls dancing in front of him. His gaze always reassured you and made you feel like the most desirable person in the world. Baekhyun just had that effect on you.

Baekhyun loved seeing the glint in your eye and the pride on your face and when he couldn't take it anymore he came over to you. "How it's going ladies?" he asked addressing all your members and they all gave him responses before his eyes fell to you "Y/n?" he asked sinking into a seat next to you. "How are you?". "I'm good" you said "I enjoyed watching you having fun. Seems like you're quite popular". "I am" Baekhyun admitted "women like me but I already have a gorgeous one I'm crazy for". "Yeah but they're all gorgeous girls too" you replied "she can't be that special". "She's the hottest, funniest, smartest woman I've ever met so yeah she's that special" he said and you smiled. "Speaking of, I miss her so I'm gonna go head home to her". You all said goodbye to Baekhyun and 10 minutes later your member passed you your coat.

The second you got outside you were swept into someone's arms and Baekhyun's lips were on yours. You kissed him back happily and when you separated kept your foreheads pressed together. "Hi" Baekhyun said and you giggled "hi". Baekhyun saw your flushed cheeks and smiled "I can't believe this works for you every time". You shrugged "I like to feel special and you make me feel special, is that so bad?". "No not at all" Baekhyun said kissing you again before pulling you towards a taxi so he could get you home. "Plus it's funny to see how far you're going to push it...sometimes I think you like to push it so I'll punish you", Baehyun smirked widely telling you, you were correct. "What on earth gave you that idea?" he asked and you laughed. "I can see right through you" you whispered "and I know you're mine". "I am" Baekhyun said with a huge smile on his face "so what are going to do with me?". His timing was perfect as always as his apartment came into view. "Why don't we go find out?" you replied.  

Chanyeol - How quickly he can change from cute to hot

Chanyeol knew pretty much everyone in the idol business and being a likeable boy, he had lots of friends. So whenever you went anywhere bubbly idol Chanyeol made an appearance but your Chanyeol was never far away.

Your car pulled up to the event and Chanyeol hesitated, searching his phone for the ticket. Chanyeol didn't need the ticket to get in, he'd get in because he was Chanyeol, but you thought it was sweet how he never assumed and still got his invite up. "You ready?" he asked turning to you when you'd found it and you nodded but Chanyeol could see you were unsure. "You look beautiful Y/n" he told you and you paused sighing. You were a stunt-woman and had gotten bruised on a stun slightly so were worried you didn't look your best. "Are you sure?" you asked "because I can always go home if people will ask about my appearance". In response Chanyeol kissed you "the only thing people will be talking about is how fucking hot you look in red and how lucky I am" he said and together you stepped out of the car. You were still blushing from Chanyeol's comment but he was now waving at fans and beaming at the staff. He had his cute face on but when he looked at you, you saw that falter slightly and he shot you a smirk and a wink before waving to the crowd once more. Only you got to see the way he looked at you and you loved that.

Once you got inside the party Chanyeol was in his element, surrounded by all his friends and colleagues. He chatted to them all and of course included you in all the conversations. Even when the conversation was about something work-related, he'd hook an arm around you or play with the texture of your dress just to let you know he was thinking about you. Chanyeol lived to make you feel special and it was so sexy.

The party passed in a blur and before you knew it you had to leave to do some quick errands. The two of you were waiting for your ride but everyone that passed said something to Chanyeol and he knew them all. You were amazed he could actually be friends with so many people but your boyfriend was just that friendly! "I can't wait to get home" Chanyeol said and you nodded "yeah I need out of this dress and into something comfy instead". Chanyeol smiled "I can help you get out of that dress" and you paused taken aback by how quickly his voice changed. He could say something like that and make you tense up with anticipation in seconds.

Before you could response a couple came over to say goodbye. They knew each other from school and the guy couldn't believe Chanyeol actually remembered him but that was Chanyeol's charm. "Have a great night, say hi to your parents for me!" Chanyeol called waving to them as they walked away before moving back in "how about we skip the dry cleaners and just go home?". You paused "but don't you need that for tomorrow?". "I do but I need you more" he replied and the whiney note in his voice made you nod "okay yeah let's go" and you tugged him towards the exit. Chanyeol laughed but didn't move "easy tiger we've got to wait for our car remember?" he asked showing you the screen of his phone with the taxi. You groaned "this is why we should always bring a car". "To be fair the driver's 2 minutes away, we wouldn't have got home much quicker". "Yes but we could've used the car!" you said "you have blackout windows" and Chanyeol froze "I never thought of that". You could practically see the plans forming in his head. "I've got an idea" he said whispering in your ear again and you were desperate to hear what he was going to say when Red Velvet appeared and Chanyeol turned into big brother mode.

He insisted on picking up Yeri tomorrow because she had no ride to av event they had and Yeri turned to you "is he always like this Y/n? So sweet and kind?". You smirked looking at him "he is but he also has a darker side" and all the girls "ohhhed" while Irene frowned "as in bad boy side?". You paused "more sexy side" and Chanyeol went bright red as all the girls laughed. As luck would have it, your taxi had just pulled up outside and so Chanyeol separated you from the girls and got you in the car. "Can't believe you told them about my sexy side" he whispered to you and you laughed "why was it a secret? All I'm saying is your company needs you to star in a kdrama yesterday!". The taxi driver asked directions and Chanyeol told him before turning back to you with his sexy mode on. "The only person I want to perform for is you" he said and you smiled "good point, you still haven't given me a show of your latest comeback song". "Sir are we heading to the dry cleaners or home?" the taxi driver and this time Chanyeol didn't turn his mode off. "Straight home" he said never taking his eyes off you "I've got the show of my life to star in".

D.O. - How he commands respect without even raising his voice

Now you were only human, so you did find it quite hot how none of the Exo members messed with your boyfriend. Even Baekhyun fled after causing any trouble and you quite enjoyed the power he held. He might not be the tallest or strongest but he was the scariest and that was so goddamn attractive!

This thought occurred to you anytime you were around the guys and on this occasion, you were on holiday together. The guys did have some filming to do first though and you were relaxing in the sun while they worked and found yourself watching them. They were debating where would be best to film and Kai suggested somewhere but the manager said they shouldn't in case they got a tan. D.O. immediately objected to the idea of dark being bad (because it's not) and argued until the shot the video in the sun. Then in between takes Baekhyun found a water gun and began squirting the other members. He wasn't even aiming at D.O. but when your boyfriend turned around Baekhyun flinched and you smiled at D.O's confused face.

You could see the guys scheming though as Baekhyun whispered to Chanyeol and Sehun and knew he was planning something but so did D.O. When the director called cut Baekhyun turned to squirt D.O. but he was ready and he simply picked Baekhyun up and dumped him kicking and squirming into the pool. It was hilarious and you laughed along with the others then D.O. also pushed Sehun in who dragged Chanyeol and it was even better! The guys were all slightly in awe as were you but D.O. just shrugged it off, giving his mic to the staff and walking over to you. "Want to go on that walk?" he asked you and you nodded "yeah let's go" and walked away feeling like a very proud girlfriend.

It wasn't even his members who reacted this way to D.O. As you walked down the street vendors called out to you but not with the typical cheesy lines. Instead, they greeted you both professionally and addressed him as sir and gentleman. You stopped off at a jewellery stand because D.O. saw you looking at it and once again the man deferred to D.O. and treated both of you with the upmost respect. You got a good deal for the bracelet you liked and a beautiful bag to put it in and you suspected it was because the man didn't dare try anything with D.O.

As you left you wandered to the beach and you curled up next to D.O. You were affectionate but this was more than usual and D.O. smiled "if I knew it would make you this happy I'd have bought you 5 bracelets" he said. You smiled shaking your head "it's not the bracelet it's you". "Me?" he asked "why what have I done" and you explained everything you'd witnessed. "You're just so strong and have such a presence, it's so hot! You don't even realise either and that makes it even hotter you're a natural-born commander". D.O. was impervious to most things but your compliments always broke him and he smiled at you happily. "Really?" he asked "you like that about me?". "A lot" you agreed staring at him and D.O. smiled "well how about we go back to the hotel and I intimidate the guys a little more and then we disappear somewhere together". You jumped to your feet and held out your hand for D.O.'s "let's go!".

It was an incredibly fun business trip/holiday.  

Kai - The way he looks at you

Now when most people think of Exo Kai's best feature probably don't think of his eyes. The go-to is probably his hips which move like butter, his chiselled abs, golden tan or his pouty lips. All things which people imagine they could get a lot of use out of but your favourite feature about your boyfriend was his eyes and they could drive you as crazy as any other body part.

Kai wasn't a rookie idol, he'd learned to perfectly shape his face into a mask no matter his inner feelings and so he had to be subtle when he teased you in public...for that he used his eyes. You could be across the room at an award show and you'd feel his gaze on you and blush. Or you'd be at a dinner with friends and he'd catch your eye across the table. He'd smile and tilt his head to the side and you'd know what he meant. His eyes conveyed it all and when they asked if anyone wanted dessert you both said no. Kai also used his eyes to make sure you were okay whenever you were at public events. It was just a slight softening of them and a small nod and you'd know what he was asking and feel so reassured by him.

So you adored Kai's eyes but he had no idea about this. One day you were with the Exo members and somehow Kai's body had come up as a topic. It was lighthearted and they were just debating which body part of his they would take if they could. You were leaning against Kai, his arm around your holding you close when they turned the topic to you. "Y/n what do you think Kai's best feature is?" they asked. You'd just gotten back in the country today so were a little sleepy and replied "his eyes" before yawning. "His ass?" Baekhyun asked and you laughed "no his eyes!". "His eyes?" Chanyeol asked confused and you nodded "yeah I think it's his most beautiful feature. They're such a beautiful colour and they're very expressive. He can tell so many stories with his eyes alone". The guys all made noises and you found yourself blushing because you'd admitted an intimate detail of your life.

At the next opportunity, Kai got you alone and asked you about it. "Do you really go weak for my eyes?" he asked and you went bright red. "You do!" he cried "how did I never notice this before? I'm totally using this". "That's why I didn't tell you! I didn't want you thinking you could just bat your pretty eyes at me and I'd do whatever you wanted" you said. Kai smiled "but you will though...or at least will do somethings when I bat my eyes at you" he said his hands snaking around your waist and finding their way under your top. "Kai!" you scolded him "your friends are all in the next room" but he just smiled "so?" and that made his eyes smile too which made you sigh. "How can you say no to them Y/n?" he asked batting his eyes at you and moving so you could see them at different angles. "You know you want me" Kai whispered and you were jus about to give in when Chen walked in. "Sorry didn't mean to interrupt I just need some water" he said and awkwardly made his way to the sink and filled a glass. That interruption though was enough to give you a breath of non-Kai air and when he turned back to you, you were ready. "Nope" you said as he reached out to you "I'm not going to be yours anytime just because your eyes are amazing. So we're going to sit in there, I'm not going to look at you and then I will punish you later for what you've done". "Yes please!" Kai said and you sighed "you're not meant to like your punishment!". "Oh but I know I will" Kai grinned and you shook your head "you're unbelievable!". "Just wait until later when you punish me" he replied and you shook your head "I'm leaving now". Kai called after you but you couldn't look back...because you knew you'd see what those beautiful eyes were doing and crumble.

Sehun - How he stand-up for you

You knew Sehun wasn't a fan of confrontation and always wanted people to get along, so when his friend Sanghoon took a disliking to you after a misunderstanding, you were unsure how he'd respond but Sehun handled it perfectly. 

Sehun tried to play nice at first, he was polite and explained the misunderstanding before encouraging the two of you to try and move past it. However, when his friend made it clear on numerous occasions he had no interest in getting to know you and rudely rebuked all your attempts to be friends, Sehun called it. He took him to one side at a party and told his friend he could either speak to you respectfully or leave. Which Sanghoon did not like.

"We've been friends for 4 years! You're going to ditch me for some girl?". "Her name's Y/n" Sehun replied sternly but calmly. "I don't give a shit what her name is!" his friend replied and Sehun took a breath, looked at you to make sure you were all right and then carried on. "Don't disrespect her or be rude to Y/n in front of me ever again. I know we've been friends for 4 years but that doesn't mean you get a pass for behaving badly. Y/n is my girlfriend but even if she wasn't she doesn't deserve to be spoken of like that and I won't bring someone into her life who treats her that way. If your behaviour changes then we can talk but until then, please get out" Sehun said gesturing to the door. "You're not even going to hear me out?" his friend asked and Sehun shook his head "not unless there's an apology for Y/n". "but I've done nothing wrong!" he cried and started ranting but Sehun held up his hand "I've said all I wanted to, please leave. Now". 

You'd never considered Sehun and intimidating person before but the way he stood tall and stared at his friend, daring him to disagree or argue was very impressive and hot. You watched as Sehun's friend backed down and left without another word. Sehun made sure you were okay and then made sure all his other guests were okay. He was an excellent host so you didn't get to thank him until later when everyone had gone. 

"Thank you" you said "for standing up to Sanghoon like that". Sehun shook his head "you don't need to thank me". "Yes I do" you smiled grabbing his hand so he couldn't turn away from you. "Some guys care more about what other guys think of them than their partners and you can never be 100% sure what is said behind your back...if you can trust a guy but with you, I now know I have no need to worry. You've got my back". "Of course!" Sehun said his hands coming to your waist so he could hold onto you "Y/n I'll always defend and support you. You're my everything and if anyone had a problem with that, well they can follow Sanghoon right out the door". 

You smiled "it was really hot too you know, how you acted all alpha and told him to leave". "It was?" Sehun asked and you nodded blushing "I've never seen that side to you but I liked it". "Hmmm" Sehun said, his glorious eyebrows creasing in thought "would you maybe like me to bring this, and I'm using your words here, alpha-likeness to the bedroom sometime?". "Yeah sometimes and by some time I mean tonight". Sehun grinned "of course" and he swiftly picked you up over his shoulder and raced up the stairs. You were squealing with laughter as he carried you like you weighed nothing but all that stopped when he laid you down with a serious look on his face. Only then did you stop to think what you'd done...you turned your already hot boyfriend into an even hotter boyfriend.

_____

To celebrate their comback here’s some sexy Exo! I adore Hear Me Out sooo much and wasn’t planning on posting this now but knew I had to bump it up! 

[queerian]

in response to the call for discussion on stone identities

prompted by last week's stream with @drdemonprince and @testdevice

this post is about sex and it's very personal! feel free to ignore if very personal essays about sex from your internet friends or strangers is not your idea of a good time

What does sex look like for you, and what brings you the most pleasure or gratification from it?

It starts with a sensory warmup. My partner touches me gently and slowly in a way that wakes my body up to pleasure. I do not get aroused without either being touched this way or thinking about some extremely specific niche freak kink shit. I tend to be nonverbal during sex, unless I need to break "scene" and communicate something specific purposefully, but sometimes it's hard for me to find my words again. Even without speaking I am very expressive. My partner can tell from my reactions when an escalation would be enjoyable. They use their hands and toys. They are very good with their hands, and we have a LOT of toys and other paraphernalia. I had never had an orgasm, at all, in my life, til we did things this way. It is an intense physical pleasure extended to far longer than I can manage by myself during solo activities, sometimes for hours. It allows me to stop my over-analytical thinking brain for a while and sink into sensation and feeling and being in my body, which most of the time I feel disconnected from (thanks alexithymia!) or troubled by. I do think of it as a somewhat meditative state. This kind of sex is also extremely collaborative and intimate. There is a huge amount of trust and being "in tune" with each other.

Is your stone identity related to sensory issues, neurodivergence, or trauma?

All three! I was never coerced into sex by individual partners, but "sex positive" culture (if you were with me you'd see the face I make while doing the scare quotes) has been coercive enough to traumatize me into believing that I am a bad person if I don't "give as good as I get" and that I'm a terrible person if I don't want to reciprocate stimulation in sex. I've been working on this one for years. It still has its claws in me.

Sensory issues make certain sex activities unpleasant or not enjoyable for me, and I appreciate now being able to choose to not do them. For example open mouth kissing. I like kissing skin in some body places, I like having some of my body parts kissed, but I do not like sharing saliva or breath. I've always been very picky about what goes in my mouth for sensory reasons, and that's not just a sex thing. On the other hand, other kinds of sensory stimulation in sex can be extremely pleasurable for me. I also tend to keep my eyes closed the entire time (I avoid eye contact at the best of times but in sex it's uhhhhhh even more Too Intense) and this lets me sink into other sensory experiences more intensely.

The neurodivergence bit I think is pretty clear from everything else I've said in this piece of writing.

How did you figure out you were stone?

I once turned to aceness as a way of trying to validate myself at the same time as problematizing my own lack of "appropriate" desire. "It is it wrong of me to not want to touch someone's genitals, whatever they may be, to not want to get them off, to not even let them get themselves off using my body, and it's wrong of me to not desire them carnally, to not be obsessed with and fulfilled by them romantically. Thus, I must be ace and aro, because that means it's okay to not want all that sometimes or all the time."

I've come to call myself a "stone bottom" in a deliberate effort of self-acceptance and self-validation. I was long aware of the idea of a stone top, a touch-me-not, someone who derives pleasure and gratification from getting her/their partners off but does not want to be fucked or gotten off. I don't recall seeing anyone else identify as a stone bottom, but as a mirror image of a stone top it makes perfect sense to me: someone who derives pleasure and gratification from being gotten off, from being touched or fucked, but does not want to get their partners off. I think I've only ever seen that called "selfish" unless it was in a power exchange scenario and part of dominance and submission.

Are you a gay man who identifies as stone, or a stone bottom, or some other identity that's less often talked about?

I'm non-binary/agender and generally perceived by society as a woman. I have a vagina. I've only ever had sex with people who have penises. I feel like it's pretty unusual for me to be a person with a vagina having sex with a person who has a penis and the penis is not involved at all in the sex. With previous partners, it's not just that it was expected that at some point they would be sticking it in me, it's that I never got to opt out of someone else using me, even gently, lovingly, and with attention to my pleasure. See aforementioned cultural trauma, lol. Reciprocation simply was not something I could abstain from without being a Grade A Asshole. Back then, I didn't even "actively want to not reciprocate". I wanted to be "good, giving, and game", like Dan Savage wrote you should be in his column that I read in my hunger to know more about sex and be having it a "correct, right" way. I wasn't yearning to be a stone bottom. I didn't know that was even an option. I didn't know it was possible to be a pillow princess and to have a partner that enjoyed this kind of sex, for it not to be a chore or imposition on them, and for this kind of sex to be a mutual sharing of intimacy.

Plenty of people buck the stereotypical straight cis sex scenario of "man (penis haver) does a little "foreplay" for the woman (vagina haver) to get her ready for the main event (penis in vagina), which they do til he ejaculates, and if she's lucky he'll eat her out or rub her clit and she might also get an orgasm." There's a thriving counter-culture where "reciprocal sexual gratification" is emphasized, all sorts of books and guides and tips and porn showing how important it is that "she comes first" or whatever, but most of it still centres around the point that "reciprocity is essential to not being an asshole". If he's an asshole for not appropriately tending to her pleasure, surely she would be, too, for ignoring his. And I really, really strongly internalized the belief that if I am not reciprocating, I am an unforgivable asshole. There's something, too, about the lack of "balance" that has long made me feel morally incorrect. (Points again at the neurodivergence.)

Is it a struggle to get partners to respect it?

I have not dated much, and I have not fucked much, mostly because I did not want to do either of those things enough to do less interesting or more tiresome things in order to achieve sex or dating. I also rarely experience what I'll call "sufficiently motivating attraction". I currently identify as nebulously "somewhere" on the asexual and aromantic spectra, and this is inseparable from the stone bottom/pillow princess situation. All of this is also wrapped up in my one ongoing relationship with my partner. I honestly don't know how differently things would be with another partner. I suspect I have facets that come out in different contexts, in response to different people and my feelings about them. What I do know with confidence is that my partner respects me, understands me quite well, and we communicate openly and frequently about things. I trust that if they have an issue with the current situation, they'll bring it up and we can talk about it and work on things. I trust that every time we have sex, they're initiating because they want to just as I can decline if and when I want to. I particularly appreciate the fact that I don't have to be an object of desire. That they can enjoy making me feel good, and it's not about "having" me. The very fact that someone just wants to make me feel good, over and over again, is pretty mind-blowing.

[eamour]

don't rush the process.

this is a post that goes out to all the people who currently have this "i need to have it now!! what‘s the fastest way??" mindset. i am telling you now that you do don’t need to rush the process. yes, you will get all of your desires. no "what if's", no "but's" — you have the ability to make your life beautiful and you will do that, regardless of how much time it might take you.

feel free to take your time.

actually, time doesn’t exist. hence the concept of the multiverse and parallel realities happening in this moment where you experience time very differently (in one reality you are a 13 year old, in one you are 45, in the other a day is 75 hours long, or in one reality an hour is 30 minutes long, and so on), time isn’t linear. it really pretty much is relative (einstein, our lord and saviour).

step by step.

take in the information, one by one. reorganize your thoughts and spend some time maybe facing and analyzing them. why do you have these thoughts? what makes you feel that way? try to get down to the roots of the issue.

you can organize thoughts by maybe writing them down. by maybe talking to someone about it. or maybe even talking to yourself. the main point of this is that you stop keeping negative thoughts to yourself. you might not be aware of it, but trying to not think of bad things doesn’t necessarily mean that you stop persisting in them. that’s not how a mental diet works. you face the issue, you comprehend it, and then you go against it. after you have witnessed a possible undesirable outcome, you can choose to declare it as false. — as in "it will simply not happen!", "nah, not true" or "this is so wrong". that’s when you start to persist in the outcome that you want to manifest or at least stop persisting in an assumption that you dislike, fear or hate.

take a break, if you want.

if you ever feel overwhelmed by all the information you think you might have overconsumed, take a step back and let yourself breathe. let your thoughts flow through your mind and just calm down, take a break. sometimes we need to slow down before we can continue again. sometimes you really just need to collect yourself and become aware of the intrusive thoughts you are having that just become louder and louder the more you try to force manifesting. it’s up to you to recognize that and to decide to give yourself some rest. there is nothing wrong with mentally resting and it’s definitely not something to be ashamed of. on the other hand, i think it might be very necessary at times. people who have a goal and who want to achieve it no matter what within the shortest amount of time often refuse to take breaks and just become entirely unavailable for a pause. and i understand that very well. but a break doesn’t have to be tiring. it doesn’t mean that you don’t get to do anything and force yourself even more to not think of anything unfavourable. taking a break means to allow thoughts, even negative ones, instead of forcefully pushing them away and trying to ignore them although you can’t seem to stop persisting in them. sometimes we encounter undesirable thoughts and they keep reappearing and sometimes we just need to let it happen. trust me, you aren’t taking steps backwards or erasing your progress. you are simply observing your thoughts instead of reacting to them right immediately.

you are already doing just fine.

there is simply no reason to rush all of this. no one expects you to have your desires and be a perfect runway model with a penthouse by next week. you are the only person in your life that can dictate yourself what to do, that can grant you your wishes, that can console and understand you… be empathetic with yourself. some people put such immense pressure on themselves, it’s really not doing you any good. yes, i totally get it. you want to have your desires as soon as possible, you might wanna show off, just break out of this cycle and show the world what you got. i know you want to prove it to yourself and maybe even the people around you as well. but you are perfect no matter what. you are a winner no matter what. you don’t need to manifest all of your desires right away and be a genius at persisting. you already manifest at all times, no one is going to judge your progress. and the same way you don’t need to "earn" the title "master manifestor". the fact that you are you, the main character, the only person in your reality that can manifest, makes you a master already. you have no one to compare yourself to other than yourself.

with love, ella.

[elysianymph]

🔥 anything about sirius because i am being a little hater towards some characterisations too

i've already talked your ears off about this on discord but i'm happy to talk to about it again bc i fucking HATE new sirius black with a burning passion. i hate him as much as i love my sirius black that marauderstok can pry from my cold dead hands bc i'm not letting him go. i don't know when it happened and why but marauders fans are particularly persistent on taking away any interesting traits sirius had and leaving behind a whimpering pathetic twink that cries when someone looks at him the wrong way. sirius has been scrubbed clean of any morally grey traits he might've had (he's not allowed to care for his family (unless it's regulus) or long for them bc they are bad, he's not allowed to have any prejudices even though he was literally raised with pureblood mentality and taught he was superior to everyone else from the day he was born, he's not allowed to be an asshole bc he's not like his family guys!! and when he is an asshole it's always used to victimize the character he's being an asshole to and sirius is painted as the villain with mommy issues that can only be fixed by getting dicked down apparently)

i cannot stress this enough: LET THIS MAN BE A COMPLEX CHARACTER!! and no, giving him mental illnesses that miraculously disappear when he gets together with remus and making him attempt to kill himself post prank because he feels bad is NOT making him complex! you're just weird. you're just romanticizing mental illnesses and i can't believe you don't see anything wrong with it. giving him bipolar to justify his actions is?? not??? representation??? it's offensive to people who actually have to deal with these issues in their day to day lives and yet here you are using something that will impact their life forever as a plot device for your uwu sadboy mlm fanfic.

and that's what new sirius boils down to. he's a plot device, an accessory to everyone else's story that's never given much depth other than "oh his mom used the cruciatus on him and now he's traumatized". no hate to jegulus but hate to specific jegulus fics that turn sirius into an overdramatic caricature of his former self for the sake of drama and angst.

also, some of these wolfstar shippers... wtf are you guys on?? idk when and why (that's a lie i do but i'm not gonna say it) remus became sirius black in a werewolf costume but here we are. oh sirius was cool and effortlessly smart and handsome and girls wanted him? well guess what? snatches all of those character traits and throws them onto remus they're his character traits now. ignore how it doesn't make any sense for the werewolf child who was isolated from the rest of the world to be a smooth talking alpha casanova who plays basketball actually. while we're at it, ignore how unrealistic it is for a boy who was raised in a family that believed they were superior to everyone else based on blood status, who was raised to be the perfect heir and checked off all the traits needed to be one to be insecure?? and unsure of himself?? and stupid??? and a loser??? i don't understand what the point of flipping the wolfstar dynamic was when you're left with a shallow copy of the original but ok. you do you ig.

to summarize, my sirius is cool and effortlessly smart and egotistical and a complete asshole who thinks he's the best thing ever. is it an act to cover up how damaged he thinks he is because of his family? possibly. but i also fully believe sirius thought he was a god amongst men and everyone should be glad to be in his presence. he talked down to other people because he considered himself smarter, he rolled his eyes when students asked stupid questions and made fun of them when they got an answer wrong. he's a teenage boy let him be a dick with no excuses.

(also i find it funny when people write about sirius getting into a fight with james or remus and crying because they said something mean. as if sirius wouldn't throw hands the moment someone started criticizing him. he's toxic and that's what makes him interesting. that's his purpose! characters exist to make stories interesting, to start drama, not to be your moral guide on how to act. stories become so much more fun once you let go of the need to make every character a good person. also liking a character doesn't equal liking them as a person. i love sirius but i would hate his guts irl)

[twohappyboys]

i don’t think i’ve fully gone into depth on how hard Oldies station hits

as someone who didn’t plan to live past 13, hearing and seeing Oldies station live has been a roller coaster for me.

heres some examples of how to song pertains to me

tw: slight mention on SH and general struggle of mental health. Please be safe

Starting of on the first damn verse

“Only consistency in your periphery is fear and the bridge of your nose”

“and as you move about, you learn to tune them out but they say they continue to grow”

the way i’ve interpreted these first two lines is knowing the issues and fears you hold but learning to ignore the irrationality and live through life.

During middle school i was majorly depressed and filled with anxiety, but through out the years i have learned and found ways to control(not sure if that’s the word i want) my anxiety. I now know what makes me anxious and i know how to avoid those situations, and (vaguely)what to do during episodes. Finding Twenty One Pilots and hearing/seeing others were going through and feeling what i was feeling was so refreshing, and definitely helped me get here.

“Make and oath, and make mistakes start a streak you’re bound to break

when darkness rolls on you, push on through”

this feels very reminiscent of getting sober(in any way shape and form) making the decision to get clean, relapsing and starting again even when you know you’ll only relapse again but you should keep going.

I was a SHer, (nearly a year and a half clean) that’s something i cannot hide. it’s a big part of who i am now. and even though i’ve relapsed more times than i could count, i kept going. the longer i was able to keep myself clean the better i felt. there where many times that i’ve wanted to SH but i’ve pushed through.

“Then before you know, you lose some people close

Forcing you to manage you pace”

I think this could mean many things and can be applied to many situations but for me, it means there will be people who leave. there will be people who do not want to be there through your hardships, but you will find the people who do.

i’ve had many friends, many who have left during the hardest times in my life but the ones who truly love me unconditionally have stayed. i’m still friends with those friends today. and for them i am grateful, i wouldn’t be here without them.

“You don’t quite mind how long red lights are taking

your favorite song was on the oldies station”

in a metaphorical sense: you are taking the time to enjoy life, the things that used to occupy your mind are no longer a forefront. there’s something new to occupy you.

in a more literal sense: you’ve grown up, the things you used to love and hold dear are old. no longer relevant to the newer generation, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less valuable.

I’m young, don’t get me wrong. but i do still experience the things i once loved becoming “old”. most of those things are barely a decade old, but in the sense of pop culture they’re old. seeing the toys i used to love in a vintage shop or hearing the songs i used to listen to all the time on throwback stations only remind me that i am getting older.

“you have it down, that old fight for survival

you’re in the crowd at her first dance recital”

and yet again, you’ve grown up. you now know kinda how to handle life, maybe not perfectly but you know how to survive.

like stated before, i never planned to live past 13. i’m 19(soon to be 20) and i’ve experienced and seen so many things i never thought id be able to. I’ve graduated high school, soon ill be moving into my own apartment, i’ve seen my favorite band live, i’ve gone on road trips with my friends, i have a pet, i’m living life. everything may not be perfect and i do still struggle with things, but i know im not alone. i have support, in my friends, the music i love, and my family.

in conclusion, Oldies station has become the song that shows growth and strength. You are never alone, there is always someone or something that can help you keep going. and Twenty One Pilots may just be that thing.

[iheartzgenya]

Enough for you.

Sanemi x F! Reader / Genya x F! Reader

TW: Violence, cheating on partner, suggestive themes, hurt reader. The reader (you) can read aura's, Happy ending.

Genya has grown a bit from his shyness of girls. He can speak to them now. It's just when they like hug him or touch him he gets a little nervous.

.

.

In this AU Genya is 20, Sanemi is 24 and you are 21 or 22 which ever one you prefer.

It was the week of our anniversary, I had already prepared the charade of gifts hidden inside a spare closet in our home.

Recently, Sanemi had been acting really off, distant. Well maybe not so recently.. it had been going on for weeks now! Maybe it was a mission that he had gone through that pissed him off.. but his last mission was a long time ago and he asked for a break to train his new tsugoku.. I met her, she seemed really nice! We had even planned a time to go out for a girls day, she had me invite Mitsuri and Shinobu, though.. Don't get me wrong I love them! But I know Shinobu wants to know who the girl is at first, Mitsuri too.

I carried the golden band of jewelry I bought Sanemi, I had been away on many missions so I could save up for this gift, it was pure gold and polished to perfection I knew it had caught his eye while we were out on mission one time. We had walked passed the store with the band of jewelry shining brightly in the side of there window.

His eyes beamed when he looked at it. I wondered why, but I got it regardless.

.

As I slide open the door to our home I saw Sanemi sitting quietly on a mat near the porch outside, I smiled. I'm finally home,

"I'm home Nemi!" I spoke but no reply.. did he not hear me?

I ignored it and went to our room and hid the last part of his gift inside the closet, now finally his present was fulfilled.. I walked back out.

"Sanemi?" No response. I started to get a bit angry.

I walked closer "Sanemi can you hea-"

"Where have you been." I paused at his harsh voice but answered anyway,

"Out. I've been out on missions you know this.."

He grit his teeth and stood up, his aura was dark.. I couldn't read it like I normally could.. What's wrong with him? I was normally used to his rudeness but it was different this time, something was wrong.

"Your always out, you have been for the past weeks! Why are you distancing yourself, What the hell did I do?" He started to yell, as did I.

"You didn't do anything, What are you on about this time.. I'm not trying to distance myself!"

As the yelling went on I could see what he was getting at, see. Sanemi had attachment issues all though he would never ever say it aloud he has problems when he gets closer with people he grows attached, said me.

He thought I was cheating on him..

.

.

"Quit the corps." I paused, excuse me?

"No. I don't get why your getting like this but I am not quitting the corps. Sanemi you should trust me, were dating after all?"

"Exactly, were dating! That doesn't mean anything! You could still use your place of work as an excuse to go on ahead and cheat on me! That's why you should quit! You know I can support both of us.."

I can't believe he would say that, discarding our relationship as it was nothing! Even if I was Cheating I could still cheat with or without work so what was the point! To keep me safe? I can handle myself, I'm not weak.

"I'm not quitting, my decision is final! Y'know what I'm going out I need air," I paused "away from you." I started to walk away from him, I could hear his heavy breathing even as I was walking away. He turned around and sat back down, I could tell he was annoyed.

.

.

I walked down the trail, looking up into the dark night. The stars were out and it was a beautiful full moon. Usually you couldn't see this from where Sanemi and me lived because of all the lights surrounding our home..

Sanemi.

I thought, maybe I should go back now. I think he just needed some time? I started to get a bad feeling pooling in my stomach, he still probably doesn't want to talk when we get back.

I thought back to the argument, that was the most we interacted in months.. he's been so distance, why the sudden change? The more I got consumed in my thoughts, the more I forgot about the trail Infront of me, the more I forgot about my surroundings.

Before I knew it I had collided right into someone. I almost fell to the ground before I felt there hands sturdy me. I shook my head and looked at the face that stared back into mine, great.. His brother. Genya's face dusted pink, he looked shock to see me out here this late. He placed his hands off of me and spoke,

"Y/n why are you out here so late? Is Nemi here too?" Genya looked around, but no sight of Sanemi.

"you shouldn't be out here. It's late and you don't even have your sword.." Genya stared at my waistband, noting I wasn't dressed in my uniform which explains that I didn't come from work.

Genya was roughly taller than his brother, he had scars as well maybe not as many as Sanemi but they still adorned his body. His hair was in a mohawk and was a dark jet black.

Completely opposite from Sanemi. Although their eyes were the same saying it was inevitable that they were brothers. Both had rough exteriors.

I dusted myself off, "Sorry for bumping into ya Gen. I wasn't watching where I was going. But I'm okay, no need to worry." I smiled slightly.

"Okay.. uhm, where's Sanemi shouldn't he be with you?"

Oh.. I looked up at him and rubbed my neck sheepishly. Should I tell him about the fight? I know he was his brother but Sanemi barely ever talked to him.. Whatever.

"Oh, uhm we had gotten into a fight.. I just needed some fresh air."

Genya frowned at that. He sighed, "I'm sorry about that.. is there anything I can do?" No there wasn't, it was already said and done..

"Not really.." I paused "But it's fine it was just a little fight, he'll get over it." Is what I told him. I was telling it to myself too. It didn't seem 'little'.

This was probably the longest conversation I've ever had with Genya.. We've never really talked that much, only a couple "Hello"(s) or "How was your day?"

Genya stood there but then he perked his head up at an idea.

"It's impolite to leave you here out in the dark.." he cleared his throat, "So how about I walked you home?.. I mean Nemi probably wouldn't like it if I left you here.." Genya rambled on trying to justify his statement to walk me home, I let out a chuckle. Genya paused.

"Wait, are you laughing at me?" He blushed embarrassed..

I smiled, "Genya, it would be my honor for you to walk me home.." I teased.

"oh shut up." Genya shoed me away but I just kept teasing him. Eventually I stopped and we started to walk to my place talking along the way. We both rambled and listened. It was actually an eventful day.. or night. Genya turned out to be a lot nicer than I expected him to be. Being born from a naturally hot headed family and all.

.

We made it too my door, I looked back at Genya.. it was super late. I knew Sanemi wouldn't like Genya here but I don't want him to be walking back this late.

"Hey, how about you spend the night?.. We have a guest room!" Genya's eyes widened,

"are you sure it wouldn't cause any problems?.. I wouldn't want to cause anything between you and my brother."

I smiled, "Of course not. I'm sure Sanemi wouldn't mind." Genya nodded at that and we entered my house.

It was dark inside, and absolutely silent, expect for the music booming from Sanemi and mines room. What was he on about? Maybe he's just taking a shower he usually booms music during that.

"Hey, I'm gonna go see Sanemi and talk it out.. uhm the guest room is that way" I pointed towards the hallway besides our kitchen. Genya nodded.

"let me know if you need anything."

Genya nodded, "Goodnight, y/n"

I smiled, "Goodnight, Gen."

I walked towards our room the music growing louder and louder, then I started to hear werid noises it sounded like someone was struggling.. What the hell? Is Sanemi ok?! I burst into the room only too see a scene that made me freeze.. it all happened so fast..

Sanemi was on top of his Tsugoku, kissing her I watched at his tongue explored her mouth as he humped himself against her.. she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him back like I used too..

"What.. what the Fuck?" My fists grew into balls.

Sanemi freezes and he quickly pushes himself off his Tsugoku. He wipes his mouth that was eagerly stained with lipstick. His Tsugoku layed against the wall panting.. he surely took her breath away.. jealously bubbled inside me, is this why he had been distancing himself? Of course it was.. I was just to stupid to even notice anything.

"Babe.. it's not what-" my eyes well up, how could he do this. He swore he would never become like his old man, getting into fights with me, cheating on his partner.

His Tsugoku licks her lips, her face red with blush. I can feel my stomach practically rolling at the scene unfolding before me.

"I was only gone for a few hours!! And I see you all pent up against your Tsugoku! God knows what the hell her name is?! What is wrong with you!" I screamed at him.

"Rin." His Tsugoku spoke.. "my name is Rin." That's right, I forgot her name was Rin, Rin Gamaki. But I don't even give a fuck. I could care less.

I turned to her, "I could care less what your fucking name is. You knew, but you still went for my boyfriend like he was yours all along. Your just another tramp. Shinobu was right -"

"Don't. Don't fucking pull that shit." Sanemi says sternly. His gaze fixated on me, his face was hard and gave me a look of hatred.

"Couldn't you have taken a fucking hint. I didn't need you. I don't fucking need you. I haven't been talking to you, to let you down slowly.. but it seems your still so fucking oblivious to even notice!"

I shouted back at him, he didn't just stop there and before I knew it I was crying, a lot. Sanemi always made this stupid promise to never hurt me. Some empty oath that was to him. It didn't mean anything anymore.

Sanemi continued to spew insults like it was just words bouncing off his tongue, it wasn't even like he knew me. Like I was just a stranger to him.

I felt someone step Infront of me, there aura felt warm, inviting.. I looked up to see Genya. His hand faltered Infront of me, he stood in a protective stance. Sanemi suddenly went quiet..

"That's enough.." Genya paused.. "You don't speak to her like that, like she was nothing too you. That's horrible and honestly your acting just like..-" Genya stopped himself from going any further.

"just like what?" Sanemi sounded weak just for a second. He knew what Genya ment. As did I.

Genya didn't let the words fall from his tongue like I had, 'our father' is what he was thinking, what we were all thinking. He spoke again,

"Who even are you. The Sanemi I knew wouldn't do this shit. The Sanemi I knew swore he wouldn't even think of this."

"Don't act like you Fucking know me. You were barely even there. Where did you even come from, Or did y/n invite you in because she was bored of me too?"

..

That's when I spoke up too,

"you wanna know where I've fucking been. I'll tell you where I've fucking been." I walked over to the spare closet in our bedroom and slammed it open and with one swift move I used my arm and slid all the gifts out. Sanemi watched,

"I've been out working. Working so we could have a good anniversary. Working so you could have some new things because you always are breaking them while fighting. Or fucking because obviously that's why you've been gone. Or what your doing while I'm gone."

Sanemi stood in place, his eyes landed on the Golden band on the ground. The band that reminded him of his mother's golden earrings. His lip trembled. That jewelry was the exact brand his mother used as well..

Genya's face showed a feeling of sympathy. He knew I was working hard, I told him on the way here.

Genya frowned and walked towards me pulling me away from the scene, I walked solemnly next to him, tears still flowing from my eyes.

As I walked away I saw Sanemi's act falter staring at the gifts on the ground. It means nothing now, so why does he even care their meaningless if the person who gave them to you doesn't mean anything to you. I'm just another woman after all. That's all I meant to him.

.

.

.

A few months later.. (5 months)

.

.

I had started to live with Genya, he didn't mind at all, at least that's what he told me. I hope he doesn't mind. I take care of the place though, I clean, cook and take care of everything. I might as well show my gratitude..

But everything felt so, werid. He was Sanemi's brother after all.. the man whom cheated on me. Genya said that he didn't care if he was related to him I still deserved someone's help, whether that be him or someone else.

I actually haven't seen Genya talk to Sanemi at all. I have been ignoring him since the incident and from what I've heard, he's falling apart.. Good. I felt bad of course but a little part of me knew he deserved it. He was falling behind in work and his Tsugoku was still as needy as ever. God, I hate her so much she's such a pain in my ass.

I mean you would think that she would at least be a decent person and leave you alone. But no, she was always bitter and acted like she was better because Sanemi chose her. I didn't care, it's what I'll always tell myself. It's been months since then, I wanted to be over it. But no matter how hard I try I always circle back to the same memory.. At least Genya was there, he always was..

Everytime I came home sad or upset he'll somehow always be there, even when he was on missions! I would get letters,

"Are you alright Y/n?"

"Just checking in"

"I'll be home soon don't worry."

He always looked out for me since then, he was a very sweet man. Opposite from his brother, he hasn't touched a girl in his life, it was a bit comical but I wouldn't mind being that first girl for him.

Maybe 3 months after that incident.. I started to have feelings for him, he was always there.. like I said. He was a sweet person after all. I wished he had feelings for me but I just have never seen it, it hurt. But I think I could live with being just friends with him, it was enough.

Currently, I had just gotten home from a mission. Genya and I were sending letter's back and forth no wonder this mission took forever I was just so distracted. My face heated up thinking about him. God what kind of person am I falling for my ex boyfriends brother.. is that bad? It sounds bad.

I sighed, walking through the door I quickly take my shoes off. I'm so tired, and dirty.. I definitely need a bath.. I ran my hands through my hair,

"Y/n? Your home?" I heard that sweet voice I quickly walked in the direction of it.

"Genya?.. You're off your mission too? I thought you said in your letter that it would take a few more days.."

Genya smiled, noting that I had remembered that detail.

"Ah, well my mission came to an end quickly actually.. I thought it would take longer.. that demon was rather hard to catch." He chuckled lightly.

I smiled and mended my hands together in front of me, "Well I'm glad it's over. I heard it was a higher ranked mission. I was a bit worried.. Are you hurt at all?"

He perked his head up at that and shook his head, "No, just a little bit on my shoulder.. I kinda got thrown into a wall.." he spoke a bit embarrassed.

I laughed, "well.. I'm glad your alright hm?"

"Yea!.."

Slience lingered a bit, of course it wasn't that awkward type of slience it was that type that was oddly comforting in a way.. I started to walk to the bedroom when I heard his voice.

"And what about you?" He paused. "Are you hurt?.." I watched as his hand rubbed his neck nervously.

I smiled again, "I'm alright, thanks for asking Gen." I walked into the bedroom and shut the door behind me.

.

.

I changed into more comfortable clothes, I took a deep breath. I am so glad to be out of those dirty clothes. I felt so gross.. that battle practically drenched me in sweat. I'm glad that bath was enjoyable at least..

I got ready to approach the door and open it but I stopped when I heard someone humming.. Genya was still up? I thought he would be asleep by now.. He's always up early in the morning..

I smiled faintly when I heard the melody he was humming. I hummed a bit too, just in a different room.. it was the melody I used to always hum when I was concentrated or doing something.. I can't believe he memorized it.. I let out a quiet laugh. Before I walked out I thought for a few minutes.. during these passed months he was always so sweet to me unlike his brother and he never once tried to start a fight with me before talking it out.. Why do things have to be so one sided? Maybe he did like me and I was just oblivious.. I blushed lightly and shook my head trying to rid of those thoughts and act naturally.

I walked out of the room and saw Genya sitting in the outside porch.. he was gazing up at the night sky.. looking at the stars..

It was pretty outside.. he looked so lost in thought that he didn't even realize I sat next to him.. The sky was faded into dark purple and blue hues as the stars and the crescent moon was the only source of light..

"Whatcha thinking about?"

Genya snapped out of thought as he heard me speak..

"Oh! Nothing.. just things.."

"That was very descriptive.." I joked lightly.

He let out a laugh and smiled, "Do you remember when we first met?" There was a period of silence before I spoke,

"Yes. It was a night just like this wasn't it? Now that I'm thinking about it.. a lot of the days or nights I've talked to you it always looked the same.." I paused "I guess things never change."

"Yea.." he seemed nervous.. he fumbled with his hands as he thought about what to say next..

"I have to tell you something Y/n.." he sighed softly as he built up some courage.. He sat up and looked at me his eyes showing a hint of bravery, just as he opened his mouth to speak, we heard banging on the door.

I jumped at the sound, it was 11PM at night who could possibly be banging on the door at this time of night.. Genya was startled too,

"Hold on let me get that.." Genya gets up and approached the door. Just as he was about to open it I heard the voice that I never wanted to really hear ever again..

"Genya?.. Can we talk please..?" It was a gruffy, deep voice that belonged to Sanemi.. Never in a thousand years would I believe that Sanemi came to Genya for help..

Genya froze at that voice, it seems he didn't think that Sanemi would talk to him ever again either.. he looked back at me and I quickly went into another room.. Nobody knew that I lived with Genya, especially Sanemi because we didn't know what reaction we would get out of him.. I heard the door open.. I leaned against the closed door of the room I was in silently listening in.

"Nemi? What are you doing here?.." Genya asked. I could tell from his tone that he was nervous..

"Didn't you hear what I said outside the door? I just want to talk.." he sighed.

"Right.." there was a pause.. "about what?.."

I could almost sense the frown that was inflicted upon Sanemi's face. I heard another deep exhale,

"Shit, I don't know what's wrong for wanting to talk to someone. I can't talk to Rin because it's like she doesn't give a shit about my problems."

Another pause of slience occured..

"and whose fault is that.. you did leave Y/n for her y'know.." Genya said barely above a whisper..

"I know! I know that.. Listen I didn't come here to hear your bitch attitude, I came here because your one of the only people that knows what happened that day and y/n won't talk to me.."

Oh I wonder why, asshole. I rolled my eyes.

"Well you did cheat on her.. if someone cheated on me I wouldn't want to talk to them either.. you need to take in her point of view too."

I heard rough steps roam throughout the home,

"weren't you going to marry her or something? What even happened to that.."

I looked down at the ground a bit in shock and sadness.. he was going to marry me? My fists clenched together..

"it's not like it even fucking matters now.. she hates me"

"No shit." Genya joked with some bitterness in his tone. I could tell he was still mad at Sanemi for doing such a thing in the first place.

Suddenly I felt the atmosphere change.. and the tension become almost suffocating.. I could hear clattering in the kitchen almost in a hurry,

"Wait!" Genya yelled.

I heard stomps collect to the porch and that's when I realized the most vital thing that I left out there.

My blade. My nichirin blade.. That's what Genya yelled about.. he yelled so he wouldn't see it.. but he did.

Slience in the air lingered like a band of tension waiting to snap. Until it did,

"What the fuck is this?" Sanemi paused, "This is Y/n's blade. Is.. is she here right now?"

Genya didn't speak I just heard his breathing..

"Listen she just needed somewhere to stay and-" Genya tried to finish before Sanemi interrupted him..

"She has money you idiot! Is this what she wanted? To stay with my brother so she could get back at me?" His tone was aggressive and rough

"No, no you have it all wrong-"

"I don't want to fucking hear it where is she?"

I stayed quiet in the bedroom.. I didn't want their relationship ruined more than it already has been.. it meant a lot to Genya to have his brother back.. sure he cared for me but I think his family matters more he shouldn't throw it all away for me.

I grabbed my things from the drawers and closet.. stuffing them into one big duffle bag that was under I heard footsteps storming towards this room.. I tried to pack faster that was until the door barged open.. hoping it was Genya I turned around..

But if course it was Sanemi.. he stared at me. Frozen in place, looking at the things I had stuffed in a duffle bag.. my messy attire consisting of the pajamas I usually only wore around Sanemi but now I was wearing around Genya..

I stared back at him, I stared at the vein that was twisting out of his forehead.. I stared at the veins trailing up his neck.. his hand fell from the door as he matched towards me.. Genya came in the room,

"Nemi Listen!" Genya yelled. But it was too late Sanemi was staring directly in my eyes our noses almost touching.. his eyes wider than before twitching with blind rage..

His voice was cold and stern, it felt like I was being filled with anxiety..

"Is this what you wanted? To make me mad? To get with my brother so you can have your revenge or whatever the hell you wanted from him or me?" I backed up and shook my head.

"You have it all wrong, Genya and I are just-"

"Friends? Yea okay like I'll believe that shit. Genya done ratted you out as soon as I saw your blade.."

Genya took his shoulder trying to get him to back away from me, Sanemi pushed him away into a nearby wall..

"Get off me. This is between me and her you have no right in this." Sanemi stared back at Genya..

Genya clutched his fists and looked at Sanemi back,

"I think I have a right to know what's gonna happen. I was there the night you cheated on her and I've been with her ever since."

Sanemi's eyes widened and he quickly turned towards Genya,

"You what? Has she been living with you this entire time?!" Sanemi Yelled. Genya looked at me and I nodded I took my chance and grabbed my things quickly making my way to the living room until Sanemi left Genya and stepped in front of me as soon as I made it close to the porch.

"Sanemi we have been broken up for months why do you still care?" I asked.. it's true why did he still care? Even if he thinks he still loves me I don't think I love him. Not anymore.. him coming after me like this was not like him at all.. I thought he was over this.

Genya walked out to the two of us, rubbing his shoulder tenderly I guess Sanemi pushed him into the wall pretty hard..

"She's Right. Why do you still want her? You have Rin.." Genya muttered..

"Because I regret what I did. Jesus fucking Christ I was sorry okay? I didn't realize what I had lost before I had lost it." Sanemi's voice shook as he stepped back.. He sighed and rubbed his face.

"But you getting with Genya was a whole different level of selfishness.. I know I'm a dick. But at least I wouldn't consider doing that."

"oh but it's fine to consider cheating on me after one argument right?" I talked back.

"Because like that wasn't selfish." Sanemi stared at me and furrowed his brow.

"Shut your damn mouth."

Genya walked next to me to ask if I was alright but Sanemi got even more furious after that,

"So your gonna choose her? Over your own fucking blood?" Sanemi clutched his fists..

Slience lingered.. Genya ignored him trying to focus on me.. I could tell it hurt him what Sanemi said.. He froze up for a second before trying to aid to me..

I looked at Sanemi,

"Listen leave Genya out of this you said he shouldn't be in an-" I was cut off by Sanemi throwing a vase at the wall.. I saw it shatter against the wall and shards fly everywhere.. my body covered Genya's and I had a large shard of glass slide against my skin.. cutting it open, blood leaked from my wound.

Genya's eyes widened.. and Sanemi stayed in place shocked that he hurt me.

I could see the anger in his eyes quickly dial down but he still said nothing...

Genya looked over at him, "Get out." Sanemi looked at Genya and spoke, "I didn't mean to I thought-"

"Get out right now Sanemi." Sanemi just looked down disappointed in himself and barged out the door slamming it behind him.

Genya quickly put his attention towards me.. "Fuck.. are you okay Y/n?" He stared at the wound his face twisting a bit in discomfort.

I winced feeling the sharp sting of the cut and Genya sighed he took my hand, blushing lightly to himself,

"Come with me I'll help.." I nodded also blushing a bit too..

Genya brought me to his bathroom making me sit in the edge of the toilet.. he quickly grabbed first aid and disinfectant..

"Hey, this is gonna sting a bit but I need to clean it.." Genya looked at me reassuringly "it'll be over in a second" he took a rag and gently wiped the blood that seeped from my cut and bit my lip..

"I'm sorry that happened.. I can't believe he did that."

Genya poured some disinfectant on the rag and lightly cleaned my wound, I winced. He looked up at me his eyes showing worry and concern as he continued to ramble,

"You alright?" He took the rag off after cleaning it and I nodded lightly.

He continued to take care of my wound carefully and gently as if he touched me too roughly I'd break.

"Don't think about what happened too much okay? I don't uhm need you worrying."

"And I know you still wonder sometimes if you were enough and, you are."

"it's Sanemi and y'know how he is.." Genya looked up at me for a response but I seemed zoned out.. I saw him blush and I raised my brow.. wondering what was making him so flustered.

"Y'know.." he started, I looked at him staring at his jet black mohawk.. and his eyes..

He bit his lip but he continued anyway..

"You deserve someone better Like.." he paused again..

I tilted my head.. I had a feeling what he was going to say and I wanted him to say It.. I started to develop feelings for him too and I was really hoping I wasn't wrong about what he wanted to say.. he finished wrapping my arm in white bandages,

"Like who?"

.

"Like me." He muttered.. His cheeks faded into a deep red as well as mine.. Oh my god so it wasn't one sided.. I was just oblivious! I smiled happily and spoke,

"Was that a confession?"

He looked down shyly..

"Uh, I guess so? Yea I uhm I like you." He looked like a shy child at that moment and I giggled lightly..

"I like you too." Genya looked up at me and his face was now a tomato "Say what? Wait can you say that again?.." he scratched the back of his head looking into my eyes anticipating hoping I would say it again..

"I like you too."

.

.

.

Idk this might've been a bit rushed but this was my first angst Imagine anyway I hope you guys like it!

[electric-friend]

listen i know the whole “ed did nothing wrong”/“killing and maiming his his coping mechanism uwu” thing is a super silly joke lol and even i found it funny but it’s kinda just pissing me off.

i just hate that they never really properly resolved ed resorting to violence when he’s upset and that he never really takes accountability for his actions onscreen. and when the side of the fandom that takes no issue at all with the way seeason two was presented makes jokes that show they’re like aware of the vibes they just don’t care bc they hold characters they don’t like and characters they do like to entirely different standards. it’s just annoying lol.

like listen. yeah. ed’s my special little babygirl princess haha i love him. but like. i feel like it’s also ignoring the fact that the violence is actually bad for ed’s mental health and we know this and it’s canonically established.

the same people who make “ed did nothing wrong” jokes literally call people who do the same to izzy bad people. not all of them but like the people aligned with that Side of the fandom.

like first of all we know that canonically though ed’s capable of violence it’s not good for him. that’s a huge part of his character, that he doesn’t want to be Blackbeard. so the jokes ur making leave your favourite character unhappy anyway? and if you’re going to talk like that about ed then why is it a CRIME to do the same about izzy?

i think i’m just kinda annoyed bc people act like if you’re critical of the way the writing failed to give ed a great redemption arc it’s because you’re a racist idiot blind with love for izzy, but in fact, you can remove izzy from the equation entirely and it still sucks because it sucks for ed’s character that his arc was so confusing and we left him in such an uncertain place as a character.

listen, i don’t exactly advertise this bc i feel like people won’t understand, but i’ve been through a lot of trauma, and at times in my life when that’s been a lot fresher for me, i’ve had really serious issues with anger and aggression and lashing out. i think that’s why i connected with izzy and i think it’s why i connected with ed so strongly but also found it so hard to watch the first couple episodes of the second season.

and coming from that place, with that perspective, when i talk about ed being abusive towards izzy and the narrative not being resolved, i am NOT hating on ed and cancelling ed and saying ed is an evil person. what i’m saying is that ofmd s2 took on a really, really complex and serious and intense subject matter, and then the writing failed to carry the weight of that. i love ed, and i feel like his character was let down by us not seeing him clearly express that he’s holding himself accountable for his actions on-screen, or even seeing him healing in relation to his violent impulses that come from his trauma. his killing spree in the finale was really odd in terms of his overall arc and is honestly what threw it all off the most for me. like it’s obvious that scenes regarding ed’s apologies and forgiveness from the crew are supposed to have happened and we maybe just didn’t see all of it, because the season was rushed due to the screen time. but a lot of it is also just poor decisions in the writing and the way ed’s storyline is laid out in the final cut.

to me, saying that ed’s arc was beautiful and perfect and it’s wrong to criticise it or to acknowledge the severity of his mistakes and actions isn’t a form of loving ed. it’s a way of saying you’d rather ed actually not take steps towards healing, just because you want to pretend he didn’t do anything wrong in the first place so you can feel like the better person in the conversation. to me, the people who say ed did no wrong are expressing that they actually don’t love ed.

i mean it’s not that deep, it’s all fictional, but i wish people would look beyond their predisposition to condemning criticism of something they like, and see that there’s a lot of heart, and a lot of really personal experience and real-world context behind the arguments people are making, and that other opinions about the writing in s2 are worth listening to even if they make you uncomfortable at first.

[fairyqueentitana]

Let's talk about Marinette

Marinette Dupain Cheng is the main character of The Miraculous Adventures of Ladybug and Chat Noir. As my cousin has recently found this fandom, I rewatched it. I have several issues that I need to address, but we shall start with Marinette's first.

The obsessive behaviour linked to her crush, Adrien Agreste - not many understand how creepy this is. Still, Marinette believes she is so in love with Adrien that she resorts to highly obsessive and stalker-like behaviours. A key example is that she keeps a large copy of his personal schedule, then she has multiple photos of him. Luckily, all these photos seem to be from his modelling or group hangouts. Then there was that sniffing the clothing scene. It was frankly very disturbing. If this is indeed what the creators think is normal behaviour for a girl with a crush, I am worried for the boys their girl's crush on. Then I worry about the young girls who said they relate to her behaviour. Her crush is obsessive and creepy luckily as time goes on I see her following more normal behaviours.

How she deals with the Lila Rossi Problem - What concerns me about her situation with Lila is that she does not inform her parents at all. I understand not telling Ms.Bustier as the woman is an enabler and push-over. However, it seems to indicate that Marinette's relationship with her parents is not as perfect as once portrayed. Hiding her status as Ladybug and the guardian might be the reason, but in a way it isolates her. The high-road advice from Adrien that she follows is also infuriating and how her friends basically ignore her telling them the truth due to their belief she is jealous. Marinette has no clear support, and it shows how hard it is for her. Her friends believing Lila over her is the first true introduction to betrayal. Yet she does not grow much from it, showing that Marinette herself is holding on with a lot of hope in them but not vice versa.

Her relationship with Luka - We get a chance to see her in a proper relationship. However, it's coloured by her acceptance of Adrien being with Kagami and the fact she is growing as a person. Luka seems to be a great person for her and she acknowledges this,however, is ruined by her responsibilities as Ladybug. She eventually has to say goodbye to Luka when he leaves Paris for both her and Chat Noir's sake. Marinette is always going to be tied to Adrien even when she moves on, which is annoying. It allows her no growth.

Her relationship with Chat Noir - I understand they are teens and occasionally will make decisions using only their emotions and later regret it. However, I find Chat Noir/Adrien's assistance to be with Ladybug even when she turns him down a bit uncomfortable. He has not crossed any boundaries, but he seems to have no concept of well understanding that he needs to stop. Marinette often does keep up the banter, but she is very clear that she and Chat are not a couple. Even when he is with Kagami, he still hits on her and I'm uncomfortable with that. Marinette has a problem actually saying no and I'm starting to notice it.

Just because you like someone does not mean you do everything they say - Adrien tells her not to expose Lila, and she holds back. He tells her he is disappointed about the farewell Chloe party and she immediately wilts. She changes herself and her opinions to cater to him. It is something a lot of us can relate to but also realise was wrong. How many of you can say that she should have explained to him why his advice and lecture were wrong?

Why tell Alya her identity? - I get she was stressed and felt like she was drowning but Alya was one of the persons that encouraged her obsessive crush, runs a blog hoping to reveal her superhero identity and who so easily believed Lila over Marinette. Best friend or not, she had other options like her parents or even Luka (before he found out and left) An anon recently assumed that I disliked the show based on my criticisms of Marinette but I don't. All good characters need flaws without flaws a perfect character is boring. However, there are some things I feel compelled to comment on. Marinette is a teenager going through it, but every time she shows growth and takes several steps forward, the creators pull her eight steps back. Marinette deserves true growth that shows aka take a hint from the fandom we are screaming at this point.

[yuyu1024]

Midnight rain

Pairings: S.coups × y/n

Genre/tags: idol dating, confession, hidden feelings

Warning: insecurity, unsureness, relationship issue, cursing, [lmk if i miss anything]

Words: 0.7k

Disclaimer:

- this story is just made up

- english is not my first language, please be nice 😊

Note: repost. Check pinned post ♥️

*******

"What did you say?" You ask. "I didn't... I didn't hear you properly..." you stutter.

But that was a lie. You did hear him. You heard him loud and clear that each word echoed and still ringing in your ears

"I said... I'm going to ask Shanie to be my girlfriend... officially."

That fucking hurts. You wanted to scream and walk away. You wanted to ask him why. You wanted him to say that it was all a joke.

But looking at his smile, his eyes it is true.

"Oh..." You force a smile and smacks his shoulder, "Congrats! Y-you.. finally have the courage to ask her... that's awesome!"

Then there was a moment of silent that stretched between the two of you. You tried to ignore it. You went on to look up to the sky and watch the fireworks fill up the night with beautiful colors. You kept your smile even though your hands are literally shaking. Your so good at hiding it.

Or that's what you thought.

"Y/n..."

"Hmm?"

"Are you really happy? I mean... me asking Shanie to be my girlfriend..."

"Ahm, of course! Why would I not be?"

"Stop it." He adjusted his position. He's facing you more. "Stop pretending... I'm not blind..."

"What are you talking about?" You were trying so hard to brush it off.

You can face it. You can't talk about it.

The feelings you and Seungcheol have for each other. The feelings that the both of you kept on pushing back, acting like it does not exist even though both of you feel the vibrations in your hearts.

"Cheolie..." you closed your eyes and took a deep breathe first. "Please..."

"Please what? I don't get it! I like you. You like me. But you keep on choosing to avoid it. Why? What's wrong with choosing me? What's wrong with... allowing yourself to love me?"

"You know, we can't be together." You look away. "It's complicated..."

"Is it because of my work? Being an idol? You know I don't care what the media says. You know I can handle it! My fans... they will understand it. If not everyone... or immidately but they will someday so... It's fine."

"But I do care." You sighed. "I can't handle it... people talking shit about you. Saying mean things... your career... I... it matters to me..."

"So... you're willing to sacrifice your own feelings... and mine for my career? You think thats more important than you?"

You try to calm yourself so you would not cry. You are in public and with his family. Yes, his family. You two have been friends for a while and his family have treated you like theirs. They invited you in this family outing because its been a while since Seungcheol had a break at work.

"Y/n... please..."

"I know how much your work means to you... your members... your fans... making music, singing and performing...is your life."

"But you are part of my life too!"

"Cheolie..." you stood up and about to walk away but he pulls you back down again.

"Why are you like this? You've always told me to follow my heart and dreams... and I did with music and now I'm following it for you . I am in love with you y/n."

"People will hear." You hiss at him. "Cheolie... please..."

"Do you want us to stay like this? As friends?"

You paused and looked at him. "Yes."

"You... really are okay with me to date other women?"

"No... but... it's safer for you..."

"What's the difference of me dating them to you dating me?"

"They are better than me. People would accept them..."

"What?" His brows furrowed. He can't believe what she's saying. Her insecurities. Because for him, she's perfect just the way she is. "Is my love not enough... to make you feel... loved... content... secure...?"

You started to tear up and sob. "No... And you don't deserve to be with someone who needs constant reaffirmation... someone who haven't started the process of loving herself..."

"But... Y/n... I love you... I fucking love you..."

"I know... I do to... but... I'm not the right person for you... you deserve someone better."

[edenfenixblogs]

What are you doing to help black people?

Several things! (A Note on My Personal Limitations: I am not black. I am unable to protest for health reasons. I do not have much money at all)

I elevate black voices whenever I can

I joined an anti-racism book club where I can learn how to be a better ally and unlearn as much systemic prejudice as I can

I do not tolerate anti-black racism from anyone in my life for any reason. I call it out every time, publicly.

I donate (when financially possible) to several causes devoted to both long term and immediate aid to to black people including: various bail funds in my current state and my home state, the southern poverty law center, the Homeless Black Trans Women gofundme, the ACLU, and others.

I consistently educate people in my life about the goals of BLM — including defunding the police — in order to reduce their knee jerk reactions and foster better understanding.

I shut the eff up unless I can help. I’m no savior; I know this. I don’t break into conversations that don’t involve me. I just listen. Most of my public advocacy is amplifying black voices on issues that affect the black community without adding my irrelevant opinions as white-passing person.

Privately, I have and continue to reach out to the several black people in my life to let them know I support them and that I am listening. I listen to them vent to me about their pain and suffering. I let them tell me if I’ve fucked up somehow without getting defensive. Then I apologize sincerely and onboard the new information and don’t do whatever the offending action was again. I have not had anyone tell me I’ve fucked up in that way in over a decade, though. I did, however, realize (during my continuing journey of learning how to be anti-racist) that I’d held problematic opinions as a teenager (nothing crazy. Just ignorant teen bullshit borne from growing up as a liberal in a red state and thinking I was more progressive than I actually was at the time) and proactively reached out to the black friend I’ve known since my teenage years to say that I know I was an idiot back then and I’ve learned a lot since then and I will continue to learn and to apologize.

My work involves public communications. In my role, I continually advocate for anti-racist, black-affirming language in our company guidelines and publicly disseminated materials, even when that means confronting my boss—who is a white man.

I vote in every election in which I am able, researching every politician and bill thoroughly from multiple sources and voting as leftist as possible and educating people in my life about these bills details and the politicians platforms and records.

I am not perfect and don’t claim to be. I only claim to try my best to continually improve.

I don’t make a habit of sharing private communique and am only doing so now because this post asks for receipts. Here are some excerpts from conversations had during 2020 when tensions were a little higher. I decline to share receipts from more recently, as those conversations include more private and more identifying information. The pictured conversations involve friends I’ve had since pre-school, high school, and college. Again, this is not something I would normally share, because saying “I have black friends” is tacky and gross. But I am trying to respect your request for my commitment to the black community, which does of course include my friends. It feels wrong not to mention them in this context, even though I feel awkward saying it at all. Im also sharing only the start of longer conversations, as my friends’ pain and concerns are not for public consumption.

Idk if replying to your question alerts you, so tagging you just in case. @phantomdiebe

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hi Dani,

It's me the asexual anon from a while back. I am so excited about your book. It's gojng to be great, all who've read your work know it.

I'm writing to say that I figured out I'm ace but not aro. Anyways, my parents have fixed my wedding. Yeah, they did ask my opinion after the whole shebang about society, being a woman, my age, that I shouldn't compare myself to the lifestyle my sister has, and the fact that I am currently in between jobs. Basically it wasn't a willing yes.

I can't tell them that I'm an Ace because the concept is beyond their understanding and their conclusions will be that I'm one of the people with whom something is wrong or it's the effect of westernization. Take your pick. It's a can of worms just waiting to devour me.

And everytime I don't act excited about the wedding or that I don't want to constantly talk with my future husband the victim blaming starts from my father and my mother pointing out that my father's sisters and their families just want her daughters' lives to be less than perfect so, I've got to do this. It's a constant stream of but we went to Goa for vacation, you're getting driving and swimming lessons what more do you want and if I say that I don't want to marry ever the whole drama starts again. It's an endless cycle.

We went to a psychiatrist to figure out if there could be something done about me, and she asked me if I'm into women or was sexually harassed when I was young but I can't tell her truth too or she'll tell my parents who'll raise hell over the news.

When I told them that I don't ever want to marry and I'm unsure about children they just seem convinced that I'm wary after all they know better they're my parents.

And now there's been some issue at my mother's workplace so she's home too for some time which basically means I've got no solitude and it's driving me crazy. If I even tell her I want to go out (since they always wnt to know where we are and apparently I'm a huge risk since my refusal) out a bookstore she keeps telling me what am I going to do with so many books? It's inconceivable to them that I feel calm when I'm surrounded by books.

I know I seem like a coward but at this point there is nothing I can do other than scouring for jobs hoping I'll get one good enough to escape this madness before the hangman's noose tightnes around my neck.

Sorry for unloading on you but the only quote I can relate now is 'My tongue will tell the anger of my heart Or else my heart concealing it will break.' By Katherine, The Taming of the Shrew

Thank you

P. S. I read Ace by Angela Chen and I think everyone regardless of their sexuality should read it.

Hello my love,

First things first, you don't HAVE to do anything (and yes, I say this while being aware of the lack of choice women and girls have many women have in their personal lives).

The questions the psychiatrist asked you were ABSOLUTELY unethical and unprofessional. Regardless of whether it's true for a client or not, asking someone if they are gay or have been abused a child just because someone wants to marry is such an ignorant take. It shows what she knows 🙄. Please do not take ANYTHING this person said into account or base any decisions on it.

I hope you won't be offended by this or that you will see this as someone else telling you what to do - but you DON'T have to get married. Not to appease your parents. Or anyone. You can tell them you don't have to and you don't have to give them a reason other than 'I don't want to'. Your sexuality is your concern and yours alone.

I hope you are in a place where you can tell them you don't want to get married or at least temporarily postpone it until you have more options to escape this. I really hope you get the job you're looking for.

Also, please keep reading! Casually quoting Shakespeare is an incredibly cool talent to have.

I am here if you want to talk more or need support. Sending you a lot of strength.

And thanks so much for the book rec 💙