#that is now so im just like...very pissed off and upset and not feeling great

[pcktknife]

Had the worst rest of my life last night

[natjennie]

does anyone out here have a dad that isnt an asshole all the fucking time. like is it even possible.

[shapeofallcosmos]

time to get stupid about the king again

seeing this guy on my friend's brother's ps2 right before i moved out of my hometown at age 9 was insane, like it caused such a delayed reaction that took ten years to finally kick in. i'm desensitized now, but this changed 9 year old me in a way that i can only articulate now or something. not my favorite design, but its so classic. so original. so tastefully off putting to normal people. so...katamari. In my humble opinion, his tight clothing exudes subtle yet awesome confidance. no fear, nothing to hide, he wants all of it shown off. it's really cool. And his HEAD. I want a pillow with that pattern. Purple is by far my favorite color (and i think it's his too?) and its so soothing to look at. staring at him on my tv with my already fuzzy eyesight makes it downright hypnotic.

He's stupid, your honor. EDIT:Forgot to mention they took away his chest hair. Let the man be hairy. ok ok, on to we love. (reroll version)

oh yeah baby. oh YEAH. this is the stuff of dreams. so casual. so laid back. so lovely. he's comfy. at least physically. that stupid throne we only see again in touch my katamari. what's that lever for? sorry. tangent. the blue. the flowiness of it. his neck ruff not being sharp but instead soft and gentle. A more gentle King. I love it a lot. I actually bought some pants i saw in a thrift store because it reminded me of this king. It's such a good design. oh my god i love this king. He just looks so gentle. Like he's 20% more father now. Not "king", but "father. I don't know how to describe it. I want this fit so bad. The head is also soothing to look at too! Very nice, yet again a lot more gentle feeling, especially on the eyes. I'm probably just biased because this was the first game i started with. oh well. great design 10/10 i just wish they'd slow down on using it so much in other games (reused in forever as a model, and in touch as a model. im VERY pissed about how it was used in touch.)

ew

this was funny though. though it's kind of terrifying having him smiling when he's that close to you and when you're that small. please dont eat me.

i deeply enjoy when they are shown happy together. this design kind of smells. i actually think it's worse than touch.

I. LOVE. THIS. FIT. It's SO stupid. the stupidest fit he'll ever have. I just need to see how he even walks in it.

as i have said before, this design looks very much like my bed i used to sleep in at my grandma's house. I wanna lay on him and fall asleep. Looks so comfy. i also generally love beautiful katamari and i love how he's written as sort of like a father-friend, at least in how he talks. It reminds me of how my mom talks to me. I know, that's bias, but whatever. Beautiful King is a good dad friend to me. I love him.

man. man why'd they ruin you. i weep for this design. it's over the top in a way i dont really think fits him but it's still super pretty. I'm so mad they wrote him like that in forver. sometimes its funny but most of the time its just upsetting. he's mean yeah, but not THAT mean. (Some dialogue from RoboKing implies that when the King is off doing his own thing and that thing doesn't wind up going how he wanted it to, he'd come back and take his anger out on Robo. We never see it and again, it's just text and Robo could be lying for pity points but JESUS CHRIST. It upsets me so much! How could they do that to King?!

why. why would they do this. I cant enjoy Forever's design when it's attached to that kind of writing. all i can think of is how much of a jerk he is. i hate it. it's so pretty. im mad. on to touch...

I hate you and everything you stand for. And I am also sorry for what they did to you. You didn't deserve this. Or maybe you did.

[weareweirdpeople]

not a vent but diabetic shit because why not I want to share my experience

I have diabetes. I've had diabetes sense i was an elementary schooler on the way to middle school. Diabetes fucking sucks and it runs in my family. Because of this, and the fact that my family refuses to call it a disability despite it literally being a chronic illness, it has taken me a while to realize I do infact have a disability.

in hindsight, I am "lucky" that my mom raised me restricting lots of "unhealthy snacks" (non health foods. My mom viewed fucking cheezits as unhealthy and she came from a family that was even stricter with 'healthy' foods.) This meant that when I got diagnosed with diabetes, I would be prepared for the fact that now they weren't just rare treats my mom was learning to be ok with. Now they were aparently dangerous to my health and I could almost never eat them again.

My uncle has severe type 1 diabetes and my mom used to try to help him manage it, but he's a grown man whos never taken good care of it and does what he wants. So now that I had diabetes she was going to are sure I definitely didn't end up like that. This means that even if he himself brought all the kids a sweet treat, depending on my blood sugar I wouldn't even be allowed to have it. Most of the time she didn't want me to have it. This all went down with covid and I got to live with my diabetic father. The plus side was that the restrictions where pretty much gone, and I just needed to manage my sugar. The bad part is that I was fucking terrified of pricking my finger. It would take me hours to pick my finger, and my dad would be pissed. It slowly became very normal. I also had to learn how to take pills and open a pill bottle.

A while later now that I'm living with my whole family, I still have great care over my diabetes. I say great care as in how my family views it. I have the best a1c, I have the most consistent blood sugars. Personally I'm happy I can do that while having major depression but it makes me sad at the same time. It just pisses me off. Anytime my sugar is high I'm asked "what did you eat? What did you eat today? What was your sugar this morning?" I have an anxiety disorder. The doctors and google have told us that stress and anxiety can heighten blood sugar. Every time its about what I at. If im super sleepy? What did I eat? Whats my blood sugar? If im super anxious? Whats my blood sugar? Is it low? What have you eaten today?

My mom has always been focused on my diabetes. I low key hate it.

But in hindsight some of her ideas and things she let me do were so bad that its actually funny. Like holy shit mom, that was wild.

She at first wanted me to count all of my carbs. Every time I ate. All the carbs. She wanted me to check my sugar everytime I ate and then based on that it would determine what I was allowed to eat.

Then there was the point in time where she let me run around outside all day without eating lunch and sometimes even breakfast or any water until my sugar dropped crazy low and I was dizzy and shaking, and then id go outside again right after it went up. She doesn't like me reminding her of this because she says it makes her feel like a bad mother and that she was distracted. Im pretty sure the only constant meal was eating was dinner.

one time during Easter when we did an egg hunt my siblings got eggs fully of candy like normal. But my mom was running late on candy shopping so instead of giving me candy eggs, she made me get the special eggs she made, thinking they had zero sugar candy. They were fuckkng almonds. Unsalted Almonds. What. The. Fuck. I have never let her live that shit down, because who gives their kid fucking almonds as a treat??? Diabetic or not, unsalted almonds???

I was very very upset that year to say the least. My mom has always been stingy with any candy of any sorts. Even before we knew I was diabetic I was only really allowed 1-3 prices of candy from a holiday at most, and only after dinner. My Halloween candy especially would either go bad or she would eat it as well and I would not get much of it.

And after diabetes? Keto everything. My mom wanted to find as much keto stuff as possible, and I get it. We have a diabetic household, but she didn't do that shit until I got diagnosed with diabetes. I am happy that by now shes pretty much stopped all her restrictions and the keto stuff, she's still really diabetes focused when it comes to my mood and doesn't consider it a disability but that's okish.

Hilariously j don't have type 1 diabetes. Or type 2. I have a genetic mutation, and have had to convince multiple people that no I don't just have type 2, no I didn't not get diabetes because of my eating habits have you fucking seen me I am a god damm stick and even if I was fat that doesn't mean shit, no I cannot just eat fruit instead of candy that's not how diabetes works you peice of shit.

Long story short, i don't get a CGM or an Insulin pump. I actually make too much insulin, and dont really absorb it all and a CGM is to expensive... that means I just have to watch my sugar and take my pills indefinitely and I can't check my sugar too much because then I'd have to wait for my refills to get done because American health care fucking sucks ass.

lol diabetes sucks, stop being assholes to people with diabetes.

[calpalsworld]

I just realized Im over 6 months on T...!!!

My genuine review of T for others who may be considering or just interested in the topic.

Keep in mind that everyone will have different results on T. For me I am on a small dose because my T levels were already high to begin with.

Reasons why I went on T:

Was living out publicly as non binary but I would still feel upset when strangers would misgender me.

Had been wishing that I was more masc body wise and voice wise since at least high school.

Didn't have intense dysphoria but I felt very neutral about my body. It felt strange and like it wasn't progressing how I imagined it would. I had certain features that pissed me off, which I knew T would change.

Dysphoria was triggered in public interactions and when I had to acknowledge my body by myself. I felt like strangers weren't seeing me as me, and felt that I wasn't experiencing my body in the way I wanted to.

Pros:

Everything!!!

Voice that surprises me with how deep it is sometimes. When I lean back against a chair and speak I can feel my diaphragm rumble.

Menstruation stopped almost immediately.

(May be TMI but this is a major thing yet the only thing that I did not know was going to happen before starting). Rapid and significant genital changes. Psychologically helpful for me.

Hairier arms, stomach, and thighs.

Stomach fat and face fat increase. (potentially boob and thigh fat decrease but it may be placebo or just in contrast).

More facial fuzz.

Slightly veinier hands.

Slightly thicker/more muscular arms.

Looking at myself and seeing someone who looks good and confident and masc/butch and feeling great about it. Sometimes I look at myself in the reflections of building windows and get excited.

Being able to discuss T with other friends who are on T.

People misgender me as he/him and a man (Im non binary and go by they/them) more often than misgendering me as she/her and a woman now. This is still not ideal but it bugs me less.

Random queer strangers asking "are you on T!?" and being excited.

Knowing I dont have to live my life as a lie.

Cons:

My pre existing erotophobia (I'm triggered and obsessive over certain things relating to sex) has been activated as I experience new things.

My pre existing paranoia being rebranded into a trans related experience (I worry sometimes people are stalking me and planning to kill me for the slightest things I do wrong, now I worry that its because Im trans). This will go away once I work through my mental illness and internalized bigotry.

Voice hurt when the changes started (like a sore throat for a few weeks as if I was sick).

I cant do a lot of funny voices that I liked doing anymore, but I can do new voices.

New and strange sensations in genital area, during the first few weeks it was very painful (I have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Vaginismus so this may not be a universal experience).

Became slightly stinkier and oilier when I started, but it seems to have gone away.

I'm non binary and I still feel connected to women and I get anxious that people won't be able to comprehend that. (examples: others might not like me calling myself "butch" or sharing my experiences with womanhood). But this is internal rather than reflective of anything I've experienced. This may be entirely in my head.

Family awkwardness. Family members assuming crazy stories about how I feel. (generic things like: thinking i hate myself and am scared of men so i want to turn myself into a man?!?!😭😭😭). But friends and others do not assume these things.

(TMI but true) Thick buttcrack hair is annoying.

Future thoughts:

I feel very fortunate that my experience with T is going very well.

I know the best parts of T takes time and patience to become apparent so I am excited that I started at 21.

I am proud of achieving what I thought might only be a fantasy, and I hope I can have access to T for the rest of my life.

[giyuulatte]

alright i finally finished the uncanny counter 2 and…

hmm

my thots and spoilers below

THIS IS ALL MY OPINION AND IM BLABBING AND IT IS YAP TIME

it’s 1am so i’m a lil coocoo

once again all MY OPINION if anyone sees this

honestly speaking this season was alright. it def did not compare to season one, which i was expecting. yet it wasn’t up to par with it either. it felt like too much and not enough at the same time so it kinda fell flat to me

in season one everything was connected and there were very clear motives. from the bullying, so mun’s parents, the evil spirits, ji chung shin himself, and the corrupt government. and chung shin’s backstory made me feel for him which is what made him a great antagonist imo. like i loved him

but hwang pil gwang (slick back), gelly (hongjoong variant LMFAOO), and wong (just wong tbh)….mmph

i can’t really remember the beginning it took me 2 months to finish it but, dude and his crew showed up outta nowhere and just started creating chaos for funsies???? now don’t get me wrong, i’m all for villainy for fun but i just couldn’t get into for some reason with them. it just feels like their characters weren’t fleshed out enough for me to actually like them no matter how fine they are bc the whole crew could get it

and then we move to ma ju seok my adoring and loving husband. now this was something i could get behind. him going on a rampage trying to get revenge for his wife and baby, having enough rage to summon an evil spirit on his own??? like that’s what i’m talking about!!! i felt for him and wanted him to succeed bc that con man was also annoying as shit. i really and truly wanted him dead bc he was the absolute worst jfc

if the story only focused on him, and getting his revenge and having to take him down. and only him. seeing how far his rage could take him and what would happen ON HIS OWN without any outside manipulation pil hwang *coughs* would have been a lil more interesting to me and i think i would have enjoyed it more. ik pil gwang wanted his power n shit BUT WHY. like give me a reason.

TO ME hwang pil gwang and his crew added absolutely nothing to this for me. and gelly betraying slick back and all that other stuff just felt unnecessary to me. gelly not being able to do anything and literally almost every single time the crew showed up, and bc pil gwang wouldn’t help her. GIRLY STAND UP AND HAVE SOME RESPECT YOU ARE A BADASS TF YOU DOIN???? GET OFF YA KNEES

AND ms chu’s newest child lim jae yeol….why was he there??? and be honest. what did he do for the plot other than give ms chu another child and show her backstory

and then do hwi, lawd my sweet piano man. WE WENT THROUGH ALL THAT JUST FOR HIM TO FORGET HA NA IN THE END I WAS SO PISSED bc once again. what tf did he add. i feel like he could have been good to ha na, genuinely. imagine getting dumped by ya not girlfriend after y’all done hung out together and have each other hiccup remedies, and then getting attacked by someone who finna rap they verse in bouncy i am so dead

i understand they were trying to idk, give their characters more depth but pls

mo tak punching so mun was NAWT on my 2023 kdrama bingo card. and he didn’t even apologize for it!!!! i understand he was angry and upset bc he thought lost his partner and so mun was doing a bit too much but i just feel like that was outta character for him to do…. and for him to not apologize for it was just, what???

and don’t get me started on jeok beong. i was um, expecting a lil bit more. yoo in soo is a FANTASTIC actor. if you told me he was gwi nam from aouad before hand i would have passed out. THAT MF RANGE IS INSANE!! but, but, jeok bong could have been more. i love him to death but he stayed the same person the entire time. granted towards the end he did start meshing with the group a bit better and throwing ideas out and stuff but i dunno bruh. i was feeling him and not feeling him at the same time.

the same goes for kang ki young. baby if you say that was myung seok from attorney woo i would have passed out pt2. like he did his thang bc i deadass hated his character even tho he was looking good as hell

the lack of so mun’s friends also bummed me out bc i really like them and they are an important part of his life. wanted to see more of those three together as well. my found family was not found with them this season

but the counters dynamic was still a++ like that’s real family. teasing ha na and do hwi, ha na having to save so mun while he was in a coma, then going to yung to ask why so mun leaving, jeok bong calling mun his brother just *wipes tear* magnificent

and why tf did mun have to lose his powers again. we did that shit in season one there was no need for that tbh

nothing to say about ms chu god bless.

nothing to say about jang mool god bless.

mun going over seas and seeing wi gen’s daughter like ENOUGH.

just…. too much, and yet not enough at the same time.

but i still very much enjoyed 8.5/10 BAYBEE

[tv-gh0st]

Wtf is the deal with these bananas!

So having a banana shoved in his face was not what Legend  expected to start that day with, but that was what happened, and it pissed him off, I mean hell he thinks he has the very right to be pissed off he was littarly just sleeping, they all were also the last day just wasn’t good, getting shifted to a new Hyrule that looked like its been devoid of life for a century and all they’ve been doing is walking, just walking! So m getting woken up before the sun has even properly risen by a fucking dude with a banana isnt exactly on his list of fun things. 

What didn’t help was when everyone wad actually getting up the dude(who was crouching down like a fucking animal or something) jumped back and threw a banana and hit Legend Right. On. The. Fucking. Nose. And ran before Legend could get a good look at his banana assaulter. 

"you okay legend?"

Okay so what if there was a random group of 8 travelers who had seemed to be extremely prepared with weapons and armor, of course he has never seen any of there gear its fine. But they also seemed very unprepared asking for directions to Kakariko town? From random strangers like littarly just a random person not selling anything just standing there, like hello 99% chance that’s a yiga they may not be the hero of courage but yiga aint above attacking travelers. So yeah he was confused and worried. 

And sure he may have been following them all day after telling Zelda he was just going around towns getting supplies, but this was important, did Link mentioned he knew almost everyone in Hyrule, like EVERYONE. Yeah so having almost 10 strangers who don’t know how to get to Kakariko but are geared up definitely set of some alarms in his head. They finally settled down, the small multi colored one was cooking while Link was up in the tree, he was this close to shooting them all just to get them away from the pot out of disgust after seeing what he cooked, maybe after figuring out what there deal is He'd be able to make them a good meal because it looks like they haven't had a good one in a while. 

 after that disgusting dinner they finally fell asleep, armor off, except that one stupid familiar one, he had quite… interesting markings on his face, they kept calling him rancher and Twilight but he disregarded there names and called him face guy(even though he wasn’t the only one with face paint on) it seemed three separate people had watch and he waited till the third one was getting tired to sneak up to the one who had- questionable fashion choices and in true Link fashion crouched down, and shoved a fucking banana in his face, he also threw banana's at the others to wake them up and get there reactions threw another one at blue hat just for good measures and ran, climbed a tree and waited.  

And god was blue hat pissed, hes glad he did this early in the morning cas hes sure blue hat would have tan after him if he wasn't so out of it. Everyone was waking up though now, watch guy currently being the short one came rushing back as everyone inspects the bananas confused. "you okay legend?"

"oh yeah Sky im just peachy getting woken up at the crack of dawn by some stranger throwing fucking bananas at me! Feeling great!" oh god Link is really glad be didn’t do this any other time he would have gotten a good run in. the tall armor guy, one of the more intimidating ones spoke up, he seemed to be the leader. "Legend I know your upset but lets move on with it, we can atlest get on the road faster now, hopefully get yo Kakariko today or early tomorrow." Did they know anything? It would be a day and a half walk to dual peeks stable a day if they didn’t take any breaks and were quick on there feet, aswell as  another half a day to kakariko, and that’s if they arent stupid and take the wrong trail(he cut down the sign when he was starting his journey and no one bothered to put it back up) either way they were heading to the stable it seems like so link might wanna go ahead a bit and warn the stable staff.

He telaported to the stable trusting that everyone seems to wake up slowly and they'd be there for a bit. the stable staff were happy to see him, he knew them all and honestly hes 90% certain he alone is keeping all the stables in business. He walked up to the front desk. "Link! Welcome to dueling peeks stable how are you doin? Need a horse, want horsly, or Aurora" 

'not today sorry, I came to warn you about maybe 8 strangers' Links rapid signing and the word stranger emiditly set of the stable master. "have you tried bananas?" 

'threw them at them this morning, they just seemed

Confused and pissed off, no happiness or excitement definitely no eating of bananas' that was blue hat, he was pissed off. Honestly Links happy he did it to wake them up or else blur hat would have seen him and run after him he swears. 'they are suited up with weapons and armor, but they also don’t know shit for traveling, don't even know the way to kakariko' 

The stable master nodded along with him.

"those weirdos, we'll keep an eye out for them tha ks Link, you following them?" he quickly nods "ah Link just like you, thanks again for warning us" Link nods then teleports back to them, and they were still packing, almost done to be fair, bjt still packing just ad Link thought. 

It was a pretty uneventful day, no one caught him although blue hat was grumpy all day and surprisingly white cap dude, but still nothing happened, I mean they were intresting at the shrines and tower but didn’t really touch anything at the comand of the one they called captain.(even though he didn’t seem like he was the leader at all) They made it to the stable which none of them seemed to recognize it yet again setting alarms off in his brain and he notices everyone at the stable avoided them and the stable master was snappy with the leader who seemed to do all the talking. 

Link decided to teleport to just the other side of dueling peeks so he could walk in and  bring no extra attention to him, luckily the stable master seemed to get the drift, even asked the usual banana question he asked to everyone. although it seemed even the normal treatment he caught the attention of the 8 even though they tried there hardest to be desecrate they were horrible at it. It was most noticble though when he was cooking a whole bunch of food, he was low on supplies and holy shit did they stare. 

"I cant take It anymore, what are you making it smells really good!" surprisingly nicer then he originally  "Wind!" blue scarf grabbed the kid from the back of his shirt like a little puppy, harsh. "sorry bout my little brother, we've been traveling all day and haven't ate yet." and he has no idea what comes over him but for Hylia knows why he offers it up, his fucking food. 'do you guys want some' he was half suspecting them to not even know sign, even though it’s very common to speak or atlest understand it in Hyrule hes 80% certin there not from here.(god this is how everyone must have felt when he just kinda showed up randomly) they did infact know Hylian sign, which confirms they seem to all be Hylian.

Blue scarf looks over to the leader who has finished getting bed for all of them, god this is going to be an interesting night. He answers "Were all good thank yo-" with the protest of the smallest one, blue hat, and explorer guy(he wonders off a lot) the leader sighs. "actually if you wouldn’t mind, I know were a big group so if you don’t want to we really would be okay" 

"no we wouldn’t old man none of us know how to fucking cook" another inexperience point for them, who travels, and with how geared up they are it seems like they've been traveling for a while. Link decided to just get to cooking, he already probably has enough for everyone but that would end up making a dent in his supply so he just makes a quick soup instead, pumpkin soup because he bought, a fucking lot of pumpkins from kakariko last time he was there. 

who would've fucking known pumpkin soup was a favorite, or atlest he hoped that was what it was. They reacted like they’ve never had food ever in there life, but hell who is he to judge. All he wanted to do was figure out if there a threat or not. 

After they devoured the food(some had two rounds) they seemed to be getting ready to sleep, Link would have ignored it completely if he didn’t hear his very own name in the midst of there hushed conversation, at this point he was itching to just pull a sword out and demand they tell him who they are but they all seem to be seasoned fighters and as skilled as link is against a hord of monsters the only people he's ever fought are the yiga with at most 3 at a time, which are in no way equivalent to 8 mostly older looking skilled fighters.

 So he kept an eye on them, he "slept" outside so if they were to wake up he'd be able to still hear inside but also could follow them outside. Therfore another sleepless night full of cooking and organizing the slate passed by with no shenanigans. The odd group were getting ready to leave to kakariko asking the stable master directions, he could tell he was unhappy to point them to one of the few remaining towns but did it anyways as to not seem suspicious. Link decided It would be best to go teleport to kakariko and warn Impa instead of follow them for the short way up. So he payed the stable master handsomely thanking him for keeping his identity quite and teleported away befor he   refuse. 

And he was off.

[retrogradedmeowcury]

you know what i am here for 😎 give me a sweet jujutsu kaisen match 🙈 i am kylee, she/her 22. you know what i look like but for the plot im a thick short bitch with a ton of piercings and bleached blonde hair. appalachian to my core, i love cooking and baking home made meals, singing, writing, smoking 🐸, reading fantasy books, etc etc. i dislike boring lameos. i dislike ride customers and liars. but im a sag ENTP and i would say you’d know me very well :))

an; omfg hey girl HEYY!! u prob saw who i pick coming from a mile away but idc ‪♡

Mercury is currently retrograding! What do the spirits have to say? Listen closely, listen to yourself, and listen up! ‧₊⋅ ˚✮ I match you with...

Choso! ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ

Girl i have told u so many times that this man would be so obsessed with you!!

I mean he has so many questions! Did that piercing hurt? What about that one? Oh.. Well, how about this one?

Takes him a second to realize that your hair isn't your natural hair color, so when he does come across old photos of you he's a little confused at first!

He isn't one for reading, but what he is one for is using your lap as a pillow while you read! Doesn't matter what you're reading on, just use his head or arm as a rest! Bonus points if you can read and play with his hair.

Since Choso is half human, I would think he has favorite meals? And since I have had your cooking, it would be a hard choice for him to settle on just one favorite!

Choso would die and come back to life for a home cooked meal for you, even brags about it to Yuji so often the poor kid is starting to get jealous.

Choso loves your voice, even when you're just talking but especially when you sing! His favorite is when you don't notice him listening, those moments are his favorite.

I don't know why but the idea of you introducing him to smoking is so funny in my pea brain, he probably doesn't indulge much in the hobby but he will gladly listen to you ramble, giggle, and talk your butt off during your highs!

LOVES listening about your day! He will be mad with you about situations that piss you off and be happy when you're happy. He feels your emotions strong with himself.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ Rephrase; Choso would 110% and then some be so obsessed with you! He has questions about everything when it comes to you, how did you choose your hair color? Did those piercing hurt? How did you discover your favorite hobby? He just loves learning about you! He adores being your arm rest when you're reading, even more in love with it when you play with his hair while you're reading. Choso's favorite meals are whatever the hell you cook in the kitchen, tells people about your cooking and how great it is to as many people as he can! Poor Yuji is his victim most the time and has become quite jealous Choso gets your cooking most nights. Choso loves the way your voice sounds, both talking and singing- he could listen to it for days on end. He isn't a huge smoker, but will join in your session's now and then. He would much rather be your victim that your ramble to. He is very passionate about hearing about your day and gets just as (or more) upset or excited as you when you talk about it.

Song; Mary On A Cross - Ghost

[sixoclocker]

A CEROBA AND MARTLET SWITCH IS SOOOO INTERESTING and not one i see very often 👀

would youuu talk about them a little?? how would their roles and stories change in your swap… heart emoji…

YEASS of course i can!!!

martlet first <3

martlet is clovers adopted parent :) she kinda just found them wandering and it was like “oh no!! where are your parents ?? :(“ and clover had lost their parents and so martlet took them in to help them find them! and so the search extended from a couple days to weeks to months to years and uhhh yeah they never found clovers parents.

(btw since it is kinda relevant starlo takes chujins place but him and martlet are just good pals who raised clover with her. ended up moving in together for convenience. starlo is dead whoopsies!)

so starlo is dead or something and martlets upset bc her good buddy just died. so she’s trying to figure things out in a not so great manner (i.e. trying to build something to extract human souls (alphys lookin ass) bc she believes that humans are evil. it’s like if zenith beliefs came early) and testing it with the previous fallen human souls but it keeps on failing!! but she also doesn’t have a viable test subject :).

so clover (still with a strong sense of justice despite not having a human soul or anything) offers themself up to test bc they believe it’s what’s right. martlet. isn’t sure what to do about that. because this thing is supposed to be dangerous…… but it’s been failing thus far, right?? so it won’t kill them and it’ll satisfy their whole need for needing to help right!! :D

….. it shatters their soul really really badly and they fall down.

so that’s a panic. and then uhhhh a call from the royal scientist for the fallen down and so clover gets sent off and yeah.

meanwhile, martlet isn’t sure how to deal with all that. she feels like she failed clover for not helping them out more and everything sucks honestly :( but her and chujin are buds and chujin likes to build even tho he’s a bit wack so she hangs out with him to try and get better (coping mechanism except she isn’t building things to kill now) ! and once kanako (human, kindness) comes around, hey…. maybe she can find clover and give them their soul to save them?? after all that’s a human and humans are evil right????? right??????? so that’s fantastic.

she’s still herself of course. but she’s really trying her best…. she ends up really not wanting to kill kanako but she thinks abt clover and its. she has to make a really tough choice. and it’s so so upsetting. she’s so incredibly torn but eventually it hits some point of no return and she attacks kanako :) in the no mercy route she just kinda gets really pissed after chujin is killed and she attacks ofc

ceroba is in snowdin because she’s a royal guard and that’s where her station is :) she doesn’t manage puzzles or anything but she does guard areas in snowdin! she’s a lot more firm on the rules for the royal guard handbook but she gets mighty confused when kanako isn’t really…. fighting (at all or not at the strength she expected, either or) and she’s like ‘yk what. whatever. come on i’m taking you to the queen or something we can figure out what to do from there.’ bc she knows they’re taking human souls and stuff but all she’s heard is that humans are violent and evil (which is emphasized with integritys swap having been attacking monsters n stuff) and kanako isn’t like that?? so she isn’t really sure what to do.

gradually as time goes on she gets a more friendly with kanako (prolly says something about how she’s always wanted a daughter or something and how kanako especially makes her feel that way :))))))) and is like ‘well. maybe taking you to the queen isn’t the best idea…. but i mean she’s nice so like whatever’ and wants to get kanako home !

as for that one part where martlet and clover get separated bc martlet flies off when the boat crashes, ceroba just does one of those fox jumps that foxes do LMAO. i hope you know what im talking about because i think thats such a funny idea

her and chujin aren’t married or dating or anything but they DO know eachother. and the MINUTE he pops up with his whole bit she’s like “oh my god :|.” or something. she doesn’t get thrown in the jail but she’s kind of confined to the saloon bc they’re keeping an eye on her so she can’t ruin the fun or anything :P

in pacifist when the tapes stuff is found and stuff she’s AFTUALLY horrified. her and starlo were childhood friends and all but she hadn’t heard from him for a while especially after moving away from the dunes due to her position so to find out everything she did?? that’s horrifying. and it really makes her worried about kanako (a mothers love through every universe, you know?) because what would martlet plan on doing? and so now her mind is set on ‘i have to protect kanako no matter what’ and so they go and uhh tries to reason with her but martlet knocks her out cold. y’ouch. also she’s much quicker to come to terms with kanako giving up her soul than martlet is in true pacifist. this is getting long i’ll have to talk abt all the endings in a different post

now in the no mercy route…… she is PISSED. and she str8 up breaks into the lab (which is easy because evacuation and all but she does have to get past undyne or something, which is easy! because she’s super strong as we already know) and gets the determination. she goes to the rooftop and uhhh monologues at kanako. i imagine in her dialogue in the fight (after injecting herself) she brings up something about all the sudden awareness and how she KNOWS kanako could’ve been better. how she could’ve been kind. but wasn’t. and she knows she’s doomed to die but she’ll try to bring her down with her in hopes of making her change her mind. but she’s incredibly focused on taking her down but she does wind up dying (instead of being scared and stuff like martlet, she accepts it and tells kanako something like ‘next time you see me, you better hope i don’t remember. if i do, i’ll never stop trying to kill you.’ or something)

aughhh i need to flesh out this au some more but this is what i got so far i think :) some stuff might change but ykkk!!

[sailorgundam308]

okay but you're right about the petite tav thing (also idk if you know but someone's lame ass "callout" post about you being a bully and how you'll never get commissions is circulating)

like in a game where you can create nearly anything with a tav it's boring as fuck to make them look copy pasted of every conventional girl irl. ive always thought that, it's why I can't read certain super popular fics in this fandom because the tav absolutely rips me out of any enjoyment (cough, the arrangement)

but it's not fair for people to be harassing you over your opinion, it's your blog if they don't wanna make themselves upset maybe they shouldn't be lurking on your page

It's what I think. I have no interest, never had, in any media, when a protagonist is the pretty standard petite girl. It doesn't resonate with me at all and, therefore, they come across as very boring to me.

About the post circulating about me, I know about it. It was made by 2 girls who didn't like when I said I don't like pairing Astarion with the aforementioned pretty petite tav type. They then devolved into, apparently, some sort of Alex Jones, calling into question my values as a person, made up what I said and whatnot. They've been flooding me with hate messages for a while, stopping short only of telling me to kill myself. But then, of course, I'm the bully in the story. lol

It's very much their problem. Anyone following me, reading what I say, knows what I stand for - and what I don't, cause I tend to say it pretty clearly.

And I agree with you, too: tumblr is a collection of personal blogs of people with differing opinions. Unless someone is attacking or harming a real person, or being an actual bigot, it's all a matter of thinking differently about things. And that's not an issue.

You'd think people who claim to be so inclusive would understand that not everyone has to agree on things - and that you shouldn't dig the internet for content that will piss you off because you feel like going on a moral rampage for the sake of feeling superior. You WILL find content to make you angry. Thing is, some of that will be justified. Some, apparently, will just be me saying im not into X type of pairing.

Sound's pretty easy to do, but some folks are actually pretty incredible in regards to the amount of effort they'll put to go after someone they (don't know) but decided they dislike.

One of the girls saying she "took a screenshot" of what I said is from a discord I'm also a member of, and I think she got jealous cause I only posted Karlach x Astarion art and they shipped him with a different character. The other one is just a hardcore harasser. I got all their hate messages saved. Maybe one day I'll post it so people can see what kind low level stuff they said to me. It was WILD.

In any case. I never deleted the post where I said I think Astarion doesn't look good with pretty cutesy girly tavs cause I DO think that, and there's nothing wrong with me saying it. I'm not talking about any real person, nor even any tav in particular. But people like to distort shit to make waves then feel morally superior.

Thankfully, my commissions are doing great! I don't beg anyone to hire me, and as with everything else online, no one is forced to anything - commission me or even interact with my blog. There is a block function here and I use it often - it works wonders.

Anyway, thanks for saying that. Truly. This whole thing was pretty upsetting at first, but I soon realized there was no conversation to be had with thesef people - they don't want to talk. They want to tear someone they don't know apart to feel superior and "win".

It's nice to know not everyone bought into the gaslighting shit these two (and probably now more ppl) are spouting.

:)

[turtlecleric]

assumption - others have said in need of a hug (yes true) but also,

may not have been praised in the way that you deserved growing up and instead others tried to dim your light because they were envious or wanted to see you fail (->im here to tell you they suck ass. you're everything and more; skilled; determined; worthy; and i love you so so much and i am so so proud of you)

Did you know that I would die for you? Did you know that I love you so goddamn much? Did you?

This is way too much personal info that no one actually cares to know, probably, but. I'm sort of avoiding work on purpose at the moment and I'm having a really rough day. Who needs therapy when you have asks on Tumblr to rant in? (I'm joking, to be clear. Actual therapy is so valuable and important if you manage to find a competent professional who clicks well with you. The only reason I stopped going is because of Covid, time, and money.)

Warning: VERY long vent ahead, please do not feel obligated to read or respond

My dad was really good about praising me in ways that felt genuine, actually, though that made the times he /was/ upset with me all that much worse. My dad isn't perfect, and he's done some things and said some things that I'll never forgive, that I'll never be able to forget, but I would also do anything for him. I know he's there for me when I need it, I know he'll answer when I call, I know that he actually cares about me. He and maybe like two cousins are the only family I would never be able to cut off.

My mom... I guess it was just sort of the baseline bare minimum expectation that I would do things well, so when I /was/ praised it was just like... oh, good job sweetie! Proud of you! But it didn't feel... I don't know how to describe why but... I don't know. Now, when people tell me I do things well I always have that voice in my head that's like "they're just being nice, they don't actually think it's all that great, they expected you to do a much better job than this, actually, why did you even bother sharing? Why did you think this was something to be proud of?" I read way too far into things, interpreting neutral reactions, or even positive reactions that aren't as enthusiastic as I might have hoped for, as proof that people are simply being nice and don't really like what I do or make or say all that much. I always get stuck in this mindset that I'm not allowed to create mediocre content, like it all has to be Excellent or else it's Terrible.

I also remember in high school, posting some drawings on Facebook that I was really proud of. Two drawings, one with hands in chains and cut up and the other with healed hands glowing with holy light and cradling a cross. It was supposed to show the difference between life without God and life with God (I was... VERY religious as a teenager. I am now agnostic.), but she saw the first picture and freaked out, super pissed, yelling at me to take it down, to not embarrass her like that, because people were going to see that and think I was abused or depressed or something (haha... me? Depressed? Nahhhhh). And that was the moment when I knew I could never ever ever share anything even remotely dark with her, that if I ever were to express something that indicated I was anything other than good and happy and perfect then she would react similarly. She's also very judgemental regarding mental health, often made comments about how "people who are/do x are sick, there's just something wrong with them, make sure you stay away from people like that" while I'm sitting on the couch like... oof. That's me. So all my venting went to Tumblr where she couldn't see, and even now I mostly only vent on Tumblr and through writing. I have many wonderful friends that would gladly allow me to vent to them (I love you all so much I love you I love you I love you, thank you for being so kind), but I simply Cannot. I've had a friend before where it felt like all they did was complain, they were always so goddamn negative, and it became a chore to talk to them. I started to get angry every time they said or did something defeatist, I stopped enjoying talking or hanging out with them, and I refuse to be that person. Even if I'm told over and over that I don't come across that way, I'm so terrified of it that when I think about reaching out I start to think of that friend and about how I shouldn't bother people and I panic. Unless I've gotten to the point where I truly believe that nothing I do or say will ruin the friendship, then it's really hard to push through that fear. But that's so much harder than it used to be because I /did/ lose a friend that I thought I would have literally for the rest of my life, I was so 100% confident that we would be 80 years old still hanging out with each other and goofing around, so sure we could go through anything together and stay friends, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be friends until we died, and I was wrong. I was wrong. I also had a different friend who was always there for me, always praised me, always listened to me when I needed it and told me kind things and made sure I felt welcome and loved and viewed positively, and then he fucking assaulted me one night when he thought I was asleep.

Anyway. When I /did/ fail at things growing up, it was either punished more severely than necessary or straight up laughed at. Mom was very hot and cold, too, you could never tell what kind of mood she was going to be in that day. (She is still like this. It's well known in my family that you never know which version of her you're going to get.) Things are fine one moment and then suddenly I'm in trouble for something I didn't even realize I did wrong (like with the drawings), so I'm just. Terrified of not doing well enough at things, of disappointing people, of people being annoyed with me or upset with me over something I didn't even realize was rude or mean or wrong to begin with.

"Don't overstay your welcome; don't bother people" was pounded into my head. I can't express how often I start to say or type something and then think, "No one cares. Stop bothering people. You're being too much, you're being annoying, they're tired of you, just keep it to yourself." I'm working on it but. Yeah. Half the time I still just stop talking or backspace and stay quiet. Even typing this, I'm like... you should delete this. You're basically just begging for attention, and if anyone says anything about this to you then it'll only be because they felt obligated to and they're going to start seeing you as a whiny, pathetic, manipulative person, and they're going to get tired of you and roll their eyes every time you say anything, even if it's not you venting, or they'll see this and think about how stupid or weird it is for you to put this information out on the internet, and even this sentence right here is proof that they'd be right because you're aware of all these thoughts and you're still doing it.

But then another part of me thinks that if I can't even vent on my own blog on a post that literally no one is required to read that is also hidden under a readmore and clearly states that it's a vent post, then where /can/ I vent? And if someone else posted this, would I be this harsh on them? And what's so wrong with seeking attention and comfort? Why is that unforgivable in yourself but admirable in others? Why are you crying at work? Why aren't you doing your job? Why aren't you better? Why aren't you better?

[etherealspacejelly]

i've sent an ask before about self-diagnosed autism and whether or not it's valid (i would link it but i can't because i'm anon and i'm too socially anxious to reveal myself grrr). first of all thank you so much. i quite often reread it to remind myself im valid. <3

i have a follow-up question/kind of a rant. i have a friend who's diagnosed audhd, and she's the only neurodivergent person in my life who seems to think i'm not autistic (she thinks i'm neurodivergent though, but nothing applies well to me other than anxiety which idk if that's generally considered a mental illness or a neurodiversity??). it's so weird how she expresses this too, for example, saying i "have a lot of autism symptoms, but don't seem autistic" (i mask a LOT). and every time i vent about my autism symptoms and how they affect me, i literally swear i can see it click for her that i'm likely on the spectrum and she STILL chooses to invalidate me.

what makes it worse is that another person in my friend group self-diagnosed with autism and dx friend is so validating of him. which is good for self-dx, but it makes me upset that we receive different treatment from her despite both having the same symptoms and diagnosing with the same thing (which may be a selfish thought, i have no idea but i don't intend it to be). self-dx doesn't ever point this out, then dx and him act like they're the only autistic people in our friend group, and it gives very much a "you can't sit with us" vibe. therefore there's only two people in my friend group who i'm fully comfortable with talking to about my neurodiversity (and are now aware of this issue but don't really know how to help).

ig it's just starting to piss me off. every time i post about or even mention autism i hear dx's voice in the back of my mind telling me i'm not really autistic. do you have any ideas on how to handle this? i've been friends with this person since we were in kindergarten and she's a great friend besides this, so i don't wanna cut her out of my life or anything, but i really wanna call her out on this bs without making her feel bad or making her too upset.

i'm so sorry if this is bothersome at all ghjfks feel free to ignore if thats better. thank you again for your past help, your posts have been so nice and comforting to see <33

hey anon! i remember you. im glad that post helped!

sounds like your friend has some internalised ableism going on. thats a real shame.

its absolutely not selfish of you to be upset that you're being treated differently than your other friend, thats really unfair.

also her arguments dont make any sense??? if you have enough autism symptoms then. you're autistic. thats how that works? you wouldn't be like "well. you have a cough and a runny nose but you just dont seem like you have a cold." like thats. a fucking weird thing to say?

idk what to suggest honestly. i know it really sucks but, maybe its time to start to pull away from this friend a little? it sounds like she doesnt really respect you.

if you're going to call her out on it, shes probably going to feel bad. you're going to have to reconcile that im afraid. its the consequences of her own actions that will cause it though, its not your fault that she has upset you and invalidated you. you deserve to assert your feelings and boundaries.

at the end of the day, you know yourself best, and if you think you have autism (after doing your research and a lot of self reflection) then you probably are. self diagnosis is absolutely valid, no matter what anyone says.

[starry-blue-echoes]

So this is my first time asking someone something on their blog BUT I REALLY WANTED TO KNOW

How would Jolyne come into play with you Vampiric Joot au?

Does he never meet his wife? Or if he does would she know? Would this be a reason for Jotaro leaving Her and Jolyne behind?

PLEASE I NEED ANSWERS 🙏

OKAY SO

ILL ADMIT IM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT TOO

Currently the best working idea I have is something like this:

So it’s been a couple years at this point since he’d been turned, and maybe Holly gets into a minor accident. Nothing life threatening, but definitely a “oh this injury usually comes with older age” type thing and it’s enough for the full meaning of his agelessness to finally hit. Sure, normally this wouldn’t have meant much, its expected that kids outlive their parents, but knowing that the outliving is because of something unnatural, something monstrous…… well, that changes things

And this puts Jotaro in a not great mental place for a bit. After all, currently the sole reason he’s still able to live his life one day at a time is for her. And he…… genuinely doesn’t know what he would do with his life after she’s gone. Is it even worth living if she’s just going to die anyways? Should he even try??? He’s not even supposed to be alive after all, he should’ve died in Egypt

For weeks he ponders these things, walking for hours every night, leaving the house as soon as the sun is out of sight and just barely making it back when its deadly rays light the Earth once more

Sometimes he wonders what would happen if he stayed out for a bit longer

He never does, stopped only by the thought of his mother’s grief

He never really has anywhere in particular he travels to either. Anywhere he can reach and return from by the time the sun rises is fair game, and with super speed, stamina, and the ability to stop time that is very far

He finds himself drawn to tall places though. Bridges, towers, buildings, taller than average trees, you name it, he’s probably climbed it. Sometimes, when it’s abandoned and unnoticeable enough, he’ll even jump off instead of climbing down for those fleeting moments of weightlessness and freedom. Besides, it’s not like the fall’s going to kill him. At worst it’s a minor inconvenience

and what if during one of these times, he met someone.

A woman, an exchange student from America to be specific, who naturally had no idea he was immortal and thus was naturally very concerned.

Perhaps they meet a few more times. They talk, they grow closer, meet more and more and as the months pass by they even begin to fall in love

But it’s still so, so early into Jotaro’s life as a vampire. He still fears himself, still hates himself, and most importantly he fears loosing the people he loves. And that spark he began to feel for Jolyne’s mom? It terrified him

He stopped showing up after that.

Naturally and understandably, Jolyne’s mom gets pretty upset about this. Unfortunately for her though…… there isn’t really a whole lot she can do about it. She never got Jotaro’s last name, and he didn’t actually live in the area so she couldn’t just accidentally meet him again. She still tries to do some research to find him, but comes up completely empty. Eventually she gives up her search, returns to America and it’s like the whole thing never even happened

…….except for the fact that upon her return she learns that she’s now pregnant

However, unlike Giorno’s mother, she actually pays attention to and cares for her child, and thus ends up noticing Jolyne’s…… differences. The sun sensitivity, the preference for meats, sharp teeth, the slightly enhanced physical abilities, the regeneration, the list goes on and on and after a few years she is able to put together the facts and realizes her daughter is a vampire….. or at least something similar

On one hand, she’s VERY pissed that Jotaro never said anything about this and just up and disappeared on her without even a note or goodbye. However on the other, this explains so much about him and she does understand why he wouldn’t just say it, plus she doubted he knew she was pregnant(this one was technically hopeful thinking since she had no real was of knowing, and if she was proved wrong then she’d be even more pissed(dw she’s right, Jotaro has no idea))

So now she’s doing her best to raise a super natural daughter as a single mother while also doing everything in her power to keep said daughter secret and safe

Jolyne naturally knew she wasn’t “normal,” and while her mom didn’t talk about her father much(partially out of genuinely not knowing much) she was able to piece together that it mostly likely came from him. This time around she’s less bitter about him not being around enough and more about the fact that he just. Straight up doesn’t exist. Her mom admittedly does try to mitigate this, but only because of the fact that as far as she knew Jotaro had no idea Jolyne existed despite her best efforts to find him one more(again, also true Jotaro has no idea)

As for Part 6……

When Jolyne had been told she’d been sent something by her father, she’d been incredibly confused. She didn’t have a father. She still accepts the locket and it’s strange metal shard, accidentally pricking herself in the process (and minor note, unlike canon this locket doesn’t have a picture inside of it)

And then a few days when he VISITS...... she's even more surprised. She expected an older man, not someone who looked young enough to be her brother. Naturally she doesn’t trust him, she’s never even seen this man before, and technically she doesn’t even know if they’re even actually related.

The escape would go mostly the same I’d imagine, just this time with Jotaro’s gunshot wounds mostly being a distraction. He still gets his memory and Stand yoinked because of the distraction, but at least he’d not bleeding out so...... yay?

Jolyne also gets to see her comatose father begin to crumble to dust in the sun which Was Definitely An Experience

As for why Jotaro showed up and knew Jolyne existed....... honestly the best thing I got is the Foundation starting to look into Strange Possible Stand Phenomena of the past and also more of what Dio did in his spare, discovering Pucci, and somewhere in all that research learning “oh shit, Jotaro has a kid”

Why did Pucci target her? .........idk, maybe Fate did some fuckery which led to him learning before anyone else

[sadlonelywaifu]

I don’t love you.. I love you less

So yesterday a big red flag came out of my fiancé and I am trying so hard to be understanding but what he did was just super fucked up, I went to my friends house for a few hours to try to emotionally get over it but now I’m back home and I still am upset. He basically called me names for a while, and disrespected my mom in front of his brother who I don’t have a good relationship with right now and his brother gave me a pitiful/disgusted look. He was also throwing things at me and stuff. I shut down as soon as he started calling me names because he was saying it so loudly I knew his family upstairs could hear it. As a Libra Venus or just a person in general I don’t know why im like this but when my relationship is viewed poorly by other people. It makes me have less faith that it will work out long term. Like we have all these goals and plans and that’s great, but so many people on my family side and his families side views our relationship very poorly and that’s my fault and his fault as well so… but the whole situation is fucked. To be honest I kinda just want to end things now but I don’t have anywhere to go, he made sure of that and that pisses me off a bunch because at my moms house he helped my little brother move into my room and that was my only space. If I were to leave I would have to find my own apartment and also I recently left my job and so I have to find a new job, on top of that I got into an accident recently with our car so we don’t have a car. I’ve been stuck in the house a lot and that’s making things harder because I hate living in this hostile situation( that I caused) I feel trapped again but this time it’s worst.

[despite-everything]

im

just going to write this out because i need to get it out somewhere and dont know where my little audio recorder is. i know its hard to live with parents for a lot of people, and i knew it'd be hard for me but thats really hitting right now.

today wasnt the worst, but it also kinda sucked. some geriatric asshole stopped his working vehicle in the middle of the street for no reason, and nearly got me t-boned because of it, then i got an energy bill for a place i dont live despite cancelling the policy in july, then i got a message from my insurance agent saying my policy would be cancelled if i didnt pay (but nothing was due?) and then when i tried to call i learned that this house often doesnt have cell signal in the afternoon. i eventually managed to talk to the insurance people and got that sorted, but i couldnt get through to the energy people, so that's still unresolved. im still rattled from the car thing - i was almost killed in a car last year, so im very sensitive around crashes and near-crashes (no flashbacks today, though, so thats better than the last near-incident i dealt with). tomorrow my dad and i fly out to visit his aging parents - his dad is basically wasting away and his mom is losing her mind, so its a bit of a lets-visit-one-last-time thing. i havent seen them since 2018 and rarely talk to them, but i know theyve fallen down this horrible fox-news-christian-conservative hole lately, and before that they werent great, so i have a horrible feeling this trip is just going to be painful and sad. i know that best-case-scenario, we talk about nothing meaningful at all, and they dont comment on my appearance. but they're going to hate it. and if they actually knew me, they'd hate me, too. and i feel bad leaving my cat behind to live in the basement for 3 days - my stepmom will look after her, but she's going to be very lonely. so there's that, too.

but honestly i needed to write this out because my dad and i were driving our dog to the park to let her run around and we were listening to the radio. he asked me why i dont always use my radio voice, and i told him its because it takes extra effort to stay low and smooth for the persona and the microphones, and that after a few hours its tiring. he said he knew that, but then basically asked again - i tried to get him to clarify, but he didnt have the vocabulary to explain it, so he tried to mimic my voice (i guess?) and it was fucking mean. like i felt my heart drop and almost teared up immediately. i said something like "haha i don't sound like that" and he doubled down and said i did. and the thing is like... i know my natural voice is a bit nasal. im from texas and was raised with a mother and an aunt with nasally, high-pitched southern accents, and i inherited some of that. i HATE my natural voice. for years, any video taken where i spoke at all, i hated rewatching it. i thought i sounded annoying and could barely fathom people wanting to be around me. i hear any recording of my self earlier than 2021 and i want to turn it off and erase it completely. i don't think i'll ever get over that hatred. but as i've gotten older, my voice has dropped a bit. and i make a conscious effort to have much less of a texan accent (some words still trip me up - aisle, line, fire, wild... "i" is hard to not sound texan on), and i try to sound "smoother" and more pleasant. but i know i don't always succeed, especially if im excited. and the thing is, my excitement is always too much for my family. it's annoying and immature and overwhelming, apparently. so my entire life i've tried to tone myself down, but sometimes i fail, and sometimes i'm so wound up and anxious i fail then, too. and i know it's annoying, but jesus christ that imitation hurt.

when i tried to express that, my dad got pissed and was like "thats just what you sound like" and i said something along the lines of "you don't have to mean about it" and he got more upset and was like "im not being mean you just sound like that. but fine. i just wont bring it up ever again" and im sitting in the passenger seat thinking... what am i supposed to do? what am i supposed to say? if i cry, he'll get even more upset and think im overreacting and being immature, but todays already been hard (to self-regulate earlier, i bit my arm so hard i accidentally drew blood, and screamed so loud in my car my hearing was temporarily dampened, but while that helped, it didn't fix anything), and i could cry any moment. and my mind just loops back to the impression of me, which was startlingly similar to his "whiny voice" he uses to mock assholes. it just felt fucking awful and yet i felt kinda crazy because he keeps saying he didnt mean it in a bad way, and he isnt the type to play mind games but my mother did that sort of thing all the time, and i was tired and upset and wanted to go back home. after the park, i tried to continue the conversation, but never really understood what part of my voice or cadence he was referring to,but i think i smoothed things over enough. but it just sucks so much.

im living with him and my stepmom right now as i look for a job, and im more than an hour away from any of my friends. while i could drive to see them, it doesnt make sense to waste that gas when im unemployed and heading for the airport in the morning tomorrow. and i dont really call my friends. i could, but its not a thing we do, and i honestly would just want to say what this post said and then move on. i just wish i had company. but im outside trying not to be eaten alive by mosquitoes but theyre getting me through me jeans, so i just have to suck it up and go inside to wash the dishes.

[cryptidcanid19]

never felt so lonely in my life until now. bit of a rant under the cut but i am. very pissed off right now

ive been having issues with my roomate at college for a while now. when i thought things were going really great, i get a text around four weeks ago at 10 at night asking to have a "serious talk". i hate doing shit like that over the phone, but i agreed anyways.

turns out they were upset with me for not taking care of myself and not leaving the dorm very much. its understandable, given my current bout of depression makes such things very difficult. i promised i'd work on it and we left it at that.

i HAVE been working on it. recently ive felt a lot better and i've been actually getting things done. we seemed to be getting along just fine. my only issues with them were that they were/are always arguing on the phone with their boyfriend or mom or someone else, plus they just brought their boyfriend over to spend the weekend last week without asking me first. i let it slide bc i said on our initial agreement paper that it was fine if they had visitors. what i didnt expect was for their boyfriend to be an absolute dickhead and loud pain in the ass.

they make me uncomfortable, all things considered. but ive been as nice and quiet and lenient and understanding as possible. i hate conflict and i was just hoping that ive we coexisted enough we could get through the rest of the semester without many issues.

this morning when i had just woken up they dropped a "we have a meeting with the RA tomorrow to talk about the dorm" on me out of nowhere. to which i told them if they had a problem they could talk to me (real nicely, might i add. i was sincere.) and their response to that was that if we talked about it theyd get angry. then they promptly left.

i honestly don't know what they want from me. i really dont. ive spent the entire morning packing my shit instead of doing my homework like i was planning to and i'm currently waiting for the RA to become available to discuss moving dorms. i'm not open to reason right now. i just need to relocate.

i hate feeling like a burden and a problem for everyone around me. every time i feel like im doing better something happens to pull me back to ground zero. it feels like i'm not allowed to be happy or make friends or any of that. i've been doing all i can to improve. but apparently my best isn't enough.

college was a huge mistake for me. i'm failing almost all of my classes. i have no friends. i don't have a study group. my mom isn't letting me come home at all even just to visit. in fact, she said things were going so much better without me there. i don't have anywhere i belong right now. my cat might be dying. i might go into debt. i can barely pay to feed myself as it is and im always fucking hungry. i want to go home but i dont really have one to go to to begin with.

i dont know what to do. i really dont.