#that im so exhausted it hurts
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it really is going to be like this forever isn’t it. i’m just going to be exhausted for the rest of my life
#im so tired#and im always tired#its almost lost meaning now#people ask how i am and i tell them im tired and it sounds so little#oh your main thing is that youre tired well thats not too bad#at least its not pain#at least people understand pain#they dont understand fatigue#dont understand that its a battle every time i have to make myself get out of bed#that im so exhausted it hurts#that my limbs are weak and my ribs ache and there is no end because i fall asleep just to wake up again#and i wake up tired#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#pots#cfs#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#chronic illness#chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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Something cheerful
#Wuk Lamat#ff14#animation#animeeffects#tried to do something a little cheerful because ive been so poor off#i liked the art but not the animation#but it was mostly a test of animeeffects. for a free program its not bad#not super great for a lot of moving parts and complicated movements tho#but free so hey#this took me like two weeks jsut because im crashing hella hard rn#everything hurts and i can't think to save my life and im marrow deep exhausted#i just hope it isn't permanent
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#wip#lon lon ranch#tloz#the legend of zelda#malon#link#malink#i love malink#theyre so cute#crochet#work in progress!#my hand hurts!#im exhausted!#i will post the finish product once its completed
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my favorite steamgoth icon
#good morning drebber nation (its almost 3 am)#rip enoch you would have loved cinema strange and creature feature#god he is so me it hurts#honestly i can never get sick of drawing him he just translates into my style so well#now i wont be able to draw for weeks im exhausted lmao#the great ace attorney#dai gyakuten saiban#ace attorney#enoch drebber#i love posting in the dead of night and not when everyone is presumably awake at a reasonable hour#aa#tgaa#dgs#dgs2#shit i draw#please bring him back in dgs3 i bailed him out of jail myself so get to work crapcom#edit: oh my god this guy is a fucking BRAIN PARASITE#HE IS SO ME. IT ACHES.#enochposting
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Zoro at Dara Kebab in Poland????
Today Zoro is: picking up some food for lunch, gotta keep his strength up while wandering!
#one piece#roronoa zoro#this isnt relevant to anything#but man im exhausted rn#u ever get so tired your heart hurts?
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Interactive - Favorite Burp Scenario
I need something to take my mind off the fact that we are home to the dumbest, most bigoted fucking assholes on this planet, and I feel like a lot of you probably feel the same way right now. So, how about another interactive game? Send me character requests via my askbox here and I will respond with my favorite burp scenario to imagine for them. (Note, ideally, keep it to characters I know or that you think I may know)
#interactive post#community game#burping#burp kink#belly kink#i think back on all the movies where the president hides a horrible crime they committed years back#and how they carry out these horrid conspiracies to cover up the truth of their misdeeds#oh how fucking quaint that all feels right now#here in america?#you can incite an insurrection and get your freakass cult to storm the capitol on live television while erecting (lol) a gallows#the whole world can watch in horror#you can get indicted on 88 felony charges#convicted on 34 of them#your generals came come out and admit that you like hitler#and in a few years the people will just happily send you back#don't worry the media will treat you like a completely normal candidate and sane wash whatever crazy bullshit you say too!#because gat dammit groceries are just way too expensive#sure your own party and awful policies CAUSED prices to soar but it's not like the media will ever point that out when they conduct polls#also the same fucking idiots crowing about grocery prices hear trump's tariffs will cost them thousands more yearly and they're fine with i#im so fucking tired and i know you are too#just look out for your lgbtqia+ friends right now#they're gonna be hurting right now especially if they don't live in cali#and even cali's not some liberal fucking haven either#we just voted NOT to end slavery in this state!#like what the actual fuck?!#no seriously...what the actual fuck?#anyway look out for each other and try to keep your own corner of the world safe from maga's stink#and don't tune out either because they want to exhaust and beat you
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it's so damn sad that i have 500+ of you and no one gives a shit that i am curled up on the floor crying holding my old stuffed cat because it's the only thing that hasn't left me and trying not to have a full on break down and jump out a window, but you will just at the chances to correct my shitty behaviors the moment i even momentarily fuck up. suck my dick/not a threat. jesus christ
i am tired. take what i say tonight with a grain of salt. i can't type due to the fact every ounce of liquid in my body is pouring out through my eyes while i try to convince myself life is worth living.
#kairying in here#im so tired#im so exhausted#i feel like im gonna pass out but my body keeps shaking#i feel like everything i do gets criticized and im so sick of it#let me be a person. let me say shit and regret it on my own god damn terms#do not point it out yes i know what i said what fucked up but i do not care#i am angry. i am tired. i am hurt. and if i hurt you well then maybe you deserve it#because you probably hurt me#you people hurt me so damn much#not all of you#but the ones who know who they are know who they are#of course they're all pussys and have me blocked#dumb fucks#deciding to ghost me and leave me for dead after multiple exhausted work nights telling them how much they matter#bullshit. absolute bullshit. you can't care about anyone without them giving you the finger and leaving you#why do i always need to be left behind?#why am i so undesirable that everyone fucking leaves me?#fuck you. fuck all of this shit#fuck this fuck you tumblr#i give up#im done#i quit. i give up. you win. i am a bad person#i am egotistical and rude and i do not take accountability for my actions#are for you fucking happy?#are you glad that ill be dead by tomorrow? that you'll never need to see my fucking face again?#you win. congrats. you get the honor of seeing me bitch for no one to hear#im sick of this. of all of it#my friends are gone. im “too negative”. fuck that#fuck that and fuck you. go eat shit
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Oh what to Paint.. Hmm..
This is very messy!!! But.. I think I like it like that! I have realised that its fun to mess around a lot more with my style! Even if that does mean I'm switching between styles day to day.. AH!
Remember, friends! Have fun with your doodling and take Good care of yourselves! Now I'm going to get a nice long rest.. Sleep well or have a very Nice day!
(Ooh! Also! In future I may have my signature as my regular one, with my Name! Rather than catliker49! So.. beware of that! haha :o))
#my art#ufff my fingers hurt too much to ramble....#I do want to go on about the Film I watched the other day with my Friends#I will do that in the morning!#and by that I most likely mean#1PM!#or whenever I wake up..#and if I remember...#AAH!#I want to sleep so I'll wrap this up super quickly!!!#take care!#welcome home#wally darling#welcome home arg#welcome home fanart#wally darling fanart#wally welcome home#eye strain#(I love this outfit so much by the way..#yelling a lot!!#if I wasnt exhausted#haha!!)#last last thing#BACKGROUNDS PLEASE COOPERATE WITH ME#IM TRYING SO HARD#PLEEEAAAAASE#ooh! and I have a clown horn now!#honk honk!#my friends are already fed up#and NOW I'm done rambling...
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Swingset finished designs (these apply from chapter 14 onward)
#omori fanart#omori au#omori#swingset au#omori mari#mari omori#sunny omori#omori sunny#omori kel#kel omori#omori basil#basil omori#omori hero#hero omori#aubrey omori#omori aubrey#idk if you can tell but i am completely exhausted#at least im out of design hell now!#yawns ahhh that was a good day whats tomorrow? writing and another dentist? hooray#can't wait for my head to go boom (not foreshadowing to anything swingset related! i PROMISE!)#official designs!!!!!!!!!! for good!!!! yay!!!#swingset is jusz a 'slice of life' fic but instead of fluff its angst so its a 'slice of death' fic.#do you get me. do you get me. guys. please. i swear my brain is braining.#lore moment!!!!!! ow my head hurts what is this sorcery
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#cw vent#im too much#borderline thoughts#actually bpd#borderline blog#actually mentally ill#bpd mood#mood swings#bpd thoughts#bpd shit#bpd feels#borderline personality traits#borderline personality disorder#being borderline#borderline life#living with borderline#quiet borderline#it hurts so much#mental illness#mentally exhausted
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one of the things i'm most disappointed about is that da:tv will sell well. it's been designed to bring as much new players in as possible, and apparently a lot of people disappointed in it will still buy it on launch day. and ea will keep producing absolute steaming garbage with some ip slapped onto it just because it sells. theyre treating the series with as much respect as netflix originals with their medias.
#dragon age critical#like yeah sure whatever i get buying it on launch if youre a dragon age fan and starving for content#but i was there when andromeda was released#and while i think its a good game but a bad mass effect game. it was complete shit at launch.#but its ea so they can make anything and people will still buy it#im sorry im just. very exhausted by all this.#it hurts to see the game closest to my heart go to this#you guys know ive always been very ''inquisition is a good game but a bad dragon age game'' and going off about#this and that that i dont like about it bc it doesnt feel like a dragon age game anymore#with how you have little choice over many things and no character flavor and it frames things like cullens past and#well a fucking inquisition and claiming land in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable#well. i didnt think ea could disappoint me more with any dragom age thing anymore#im still thinking about ppl behing veilguard not knowing who zevran is#idk im just heartbroken even though this is exactly what i expected#leevi liveblogs
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I wish i could take everyones pain away, and my own too
#i feel so numb#everything hruts so much but i feel this warmth within me still#this wretched exhaustion#i want to be by your side#but i feel so fragile myself#a handful of people i.care about are hurting#i wish just my presence was powerful enough to wisk it all away#but it never is#and im so mad when i dont have the words nor the energy to express#ronkey posts#venting#i wish i wish the skies clear for us soo#soon
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Made another spindle. It's very small. Also very irregular and lumpy due to the wood (I wanted the raised brown lines to stay and erred on the side of caution in how much I cut away...but that did lead to a very irregular spindle).
It also wanted to crumble as I carved, so pretty much all the fine tuning I just did by sanding it, which helps to compress the fibers down as well as remove material without crumbling or splintering.
It really came to life when I oiled it. Probably will be best after a few good coats and some time. My woodburning kit seems to be totally gone, which is a bummer. So I'm not woodburning anymore.
Spins well. Obviously being so tiny and light it was always going to be a fine spinning spindle, but effortless thread from an unprepped piece of fleece is pretty indicative as well. I seem to find myself carving mostly thread spindles at the moment. They're always so small and light in the hand, they remind me of holding baby birds.
#hurt a lot and its the only physical task ive managed today in any capacity#and it exhausted me and im falling over frequently#just from walking the 20 steps to my lawn chair outside the gate and whittling a small spindle#my sister was suggesting activities we could do but they all require holding things really#can barely even hold my phone to type rn#i also cant stop wondering if each spindle is the last i will ever be able to carve because they are so difficult#and take a pretty heavy toll on me. really upsetting to think about because i love whittling#and in an ideal world i would spend a significant amount of time in pursuit of making spindles#but i can't and each one is more difficult and painful#this one i was wondering at what point it becomes unsafe because i lose precision with the knife#when the pain is so bad im dissociating#which i was#switched to sanding instead then#idk man. could i have a shred of certainty about my body ? is that so much to ask for ?#things change and get worse so rapidly i never even have time to adjust to my new norm#there is no norm just rapid decline#i wouldnt have pushed thru the hell that was my teens and childhood if i knew this was what was next#oh well. here i am. whittling spindles thru the blinding pain anyway#what else can you fucking do#spindle making#whittling#supported spindle#vent in tags
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Day 7 of begging for your boyfriend, broken colors, my dear hatchet man ect. Smut🥱
I don’t even really know why I’m even asking anymore…shits making my chest hurt so this will probably be the last one.
#please#delivery guy#fanfic#feed me#my dear hatchet man#your boyfriend peter#y’all hurt my feelings#my chest aches#im bored#anxious#im so annoyed#i give up#angel broken colors#delivery guy broken colors#rasmus br0ken colors#damon broken colors#broken colors#y’all are exhausting#Spotify
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see I need ghost clothes to have properties more or less like regular clothes because wearing someone else’s jacket or shirt is one of the most important expressions of affection in existence and yes basically what I’m saying is i wanna see charles give edwin his jacket for one reason or another and see edwin get all flustered and giddy about it
#the staple of all my high school romances (all like. two or three of them)#but on a more domestic level too….i love the trope of one partner wearing the other’s ill-fitting t-shirt around the house because#it’s comfy and they like feeling embraced in a way by the perosn they love#grahhhhhh I’m weak and cliche i know i know#but yeah the jacket thing…….im imagining like. something happens that leaves edwin hurt and exhausted on the ground and charles rushes over#to check if he’s okay and to help him up. and in doing so he drapes his signature jacket over edwin’s shoulders#and yeah ghosts can’t get cold. but edwin doesn’t say that out loud because he’s too busy being all 💕��💕. similarly he forgets about being#hurt and can only think about how charles’ jacket feels on him and how everyone can see this mark of affection on him and. and.#yeah#i remember one of my favorite things about (stealing) wearing my ex crushes and boyfriend’s jackets was feeling like. everyone can see#that I’m his. and he likes me. and that we’re Something. I’m Special to him#which is so teenager of me but I’m gonna be honest i doubt anything’s changed and I’m almost 24#I just haven’t felt like that in a long time. man i miss that feeling#but yeah edwin. being as jealous as he is and as up front about people knowing that charles comes first and they’re ‘Best Friends’ and all#i imagine he’d be the type to be a bit (not negatively) possessive and to love that little assertion of. yes. look. I’m his favorite.#we have something special. he loves me. specifically.#same reason i think he’d ACT annoyed at getting hickeys he can’t totally hide but really would kind of love the feeling of being marked#like that. it’s Evidence. he likes everyone knowing charles is his and vice versa.#I think i broke myself#rambling#payneland#dead boy detectives
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