#now i wont be able to draw for weeks im exhausted lmao

[clockworkvampyre]

my favorite steamgoth icon

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[secretcircuit]

ok some work complaints under the cut, i just gotta type up some thoughts

i am so frustrated by / at my job this week... monday, tuesday, and wednesday were so relentlessly busy that i ended up working 12 hour days... thankfully i was able to leave earlier yesterday and today, but i still worked full days, so i worked too much this week. and then tonight at 6pm my coworker was like “hows this thing youve been doing” and i was like... bro... its not done and it wont be till next week. im struggling a lot... but this isnt even what i was gonna complain about

i know that its a legit thing (alienation under capitalism) but ive been so far away from my Art lately... over the summer i want to draw a comic, but lately ive spent so much time and energy on Working that its almost unfathomable to scrounge up the energy i would need to work on a comic for real. so im... just... really angry. like obviously this isnt a new development, nor is it unique to my situation. im just more used to being able to coast at work so i have energy for what i actually like to do, which is like... literally almost anything else lmao. like, tonight i was going to write (and i think i still am) but also, i was so exhausted after the day that i was like... seeping tears... like not crying but tears were coming out of my eyes u know ??? so i took a shower at like 6:30 and got in bed and slept for an hour and a half. and now i feel better but still extremely tired. so i might just sleep? (i might also do like 10 min of writing, which can get me a long way!!)

idk. i just want time to myself and despite being physically alone, i dont really have it...

[emperor-lover]

Hey I love your scenarios. Can I please request a guanlin college au? Thank you!!

Thank you for loving my writing!! ❤❤ Sorry this took so long, i’m in the midst of all my final assignments and midterms at uni right now, but here you go!! It’s a bit more friendship with a hint of potential future relationship so maybe i’ll do a part 2 sometime later on if you’d like? Enjoy! 

Kuanlin college!AU (that kinda wasnt a college au, idk i got a bit sidetracked by basketball lmao)  ALSO HAPPY BDAY KUANLIN BBY HOPE UR SWEET SIXTEENTH IS LOVELY LIKE U KIDDO

he’s well known around campus as THE international student 

like a guy who appeared from a manga/manhwa, he has godly features and proportions

just a very perfect looking human

He’s also the guy that still seems to be having a growth spurt because you swear he’s taller than he was a month ago

Has a keen interest in languages, so he’s doing a double degree in Korean and English

People’s first impression of him are always that he’s this really cool guy

He has this signature outfit of a bomber jacket and ripped jeans

and sunglasses

Everyone’s eyes are always drawn to him immediately

“he looks like a celebrity!”

as soon as he took off his sunglasses and sat down, he gave everyone this cute gummy smile and introduced himself 

Despite his fashionable attire, he’s rather introverted and sticks to the same group of friends

The first time you met was in class at the start of your first year

you were running late because you had gotten lost because there had been a mistake in the timetable

you had made it in the correct building but it was seriously like a maze

and there was like 2 minutes left until the lecture would start but you were still so lost

1 minute to go and you were about to give up

when Kuanlin strolls past you leisurely

He’s about to turn the corner when he glances back at you

“um…”

you glanced over at the sound of his voice

“…if you’re looking for the lecture room for korean, it’s over this way…”

You thanked him in relief and followed him around 2 more corners before making it to a seat just in time for the lecture begin

After the lecture was over you spotted him leaving and you had rushed over to him

“Hey, thank you so much for showing me where this room was, you’re a life saver!”

He had looked away and you saw a slight pink flush light up his cheeks

“Happy to help.”

Your resolution when you were beginning college was to make lots of new friends so you decided, hey why not start now

“I’m Y/N by the way, it’s nice to meet you!”

As you introduced yourself, the two of you walked in step with each other

Turns out you do almost all the same papers as he does

The two of you end up just having this sort of silent seating plan

Like it randomly started one day and since then the two of you have always sat next to each other

Round mid semester exam time, the two of you would study together in the library

You’d take turns buying each other coffees

Kuanlin has remembered your coffee order in one go, much to your surprise

He gives off a very innocent vibe despite his mature appearance

He also tends to be very focused, and will always keep his emotions in check

Unlike you, because during exam time, u were streeeeesssed out

A complete contrast to Kuanlin’s very calm soul

The only times he breaks free from the calm is when he finds something funny

Like he’ll break out into this cute breathy laughter that’s super adorable

Because he’s an international student, he struggled to settle in at first at college

but after joining a few clubs and being introduced and meeting lots of nice people, Kuanlin really thrives in the college life

There is this really prestigious basketball team at your college - “Wanna One” and every semester they participate in a tournament against other college teams

Wanna One’s biggest rival is a team called “Mnet” (lol mnet, what a punny bball team name)

It’s such an intense competition as the winning club gets a huge benefit

like helping funding for national and overseas tournaments, helping paying off college tuition fees, getting more exposure to professional basketball scouters etc 

It’s tough though because Mnet is a team that tends to play dirty and will try to dramatise anything so the other team will get fouled (can y’all tell im having way too much fun with this)

A few of your friends, and friends of friends are in Wanna One

So you went to the tournament to cheer them on

You noticed from the crowd that there’s a new but familiar face in the team

The arrival of the new maknae, the hidden ace, Lai Kuanlin

No one outside of W1, as well as yourself had ever seen him play basketball before

so everyone’s a bit worried because the stakes on the game are so high

but those worries were all put to rest as soon as Kuanlin stepped on the court

The star shooter of the match, he didn’t miss a single hoop and ended up being the player who raked in the most points helping W1 claim victory

After the game, you, Wanna One and all their friends went to a karaoke place to celebrate

You were sandwiched between Daehwi and Jisung who were singing their hearts out to some girl group songs

Everyone’s laughing and having a good time

But then you noticed Kuanlin surrounded by all these girls/new found admirers

And although he looked slightly flattered by the situation he also looked very uncomfortable due to the sudden attention on him

You weren’t too sure if you should intervene or not, and just as you decided you were going to say something, Jisung shoved the microphone into your face forcing you to sing with them

After many more songs, you decided this would be a good time to go outside to get some fresh air and a break from all the ruckus

“Y/N? what are you doing out here?”

Kuanlin was sitting on a bench outside the karaoke place

“I thought I’d take a break from the noise, it was getting stuffy in there…what about you, you’re the star of the night, you should be in there celebrating with the others!”

“Same as you, the craziness was getting to me”

You gave a light pat on the back, “Things wont be that normal for you anymore, you’re practically a celebrity!”

Kuanlin had just hmm-ed in response, getting lost in his thoughts again

After that day, you didn’t see Kuanlin as often anymore, which surprised you

it was weird and out of character of him to not have him showing up to classes

and there was always one empty seat next to you, which made your heart ache a bit?

you felt sad that you hadn’t been able to see him at all recently, and he had been extremely slow in replying to any of your messages

Turns out this applied to all your friends in W1 too

You found out eventually that they were preparing for the big national tournament in the coming month, so they were too exhausted to go to class

Videos were popping up on snapchat and facebook of them practising late into the night/morning

sometimes only getting 1 hour of sleep every night, maybe less

you were so shocked, your friends were being overworked like crazy by their coaches, but they just kept smiling and saying that they’re happy

Your birthday comes round, and you decided that you were just going to have a small gathering because all your friends were busy

You sat in the dorm corridor with a small group of your close friends

As you blew out the candles to your cake, you couldn’t help feel upset that none of the boys had been able to make it, or even respond to your invitation

You knew that they’re incredibly busy, so you’re annoyed at yourself for blaming them

You forced a smile onto your face and thanked your friends who had showed up, and after digging into the cake, you all retreated back into your rooms

The clock on your desk ticks away, and as it hits 11.59pm, you sigh

For some reason you had wished that at least Kuanlin could’ve turned up for your birthday

You had stopped denying that you missed him dearly

you missed his voice and his laugh

and his friendship

you also missed that warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach whenever he smiled at you

A few tears roll down your cheek and you wipe them away angrily

Why are you getting so worked up over a boy? 

A boy who is just a friend

Just a friend who bought you multiple coffees

and took notes for you in class that week when you were sick

and accompanied you on late night walks to McDonalds

A sharp knock on your door echoes through your room

Looking at the clock, it’s 3am, and you realise you fell asleep

who tf would be knocking at 3am tho

It’s saturday night, so you’re scared it’s some drunk person causing a scene so you stay in your room

Another knock, but this time a voice rings clearly with it

“Y/N? Are you awake?”

You go over to the door, and after a bit of hesitation you open it

Kuanlin is standing there, holding a present and looking apologetic

“Surprise! Happy Birthday Y/N!”

“You’re three hours late.” you turn your back on him and return to your room with him following behind

“Oh cmon, dont be like that, haven’t you missed me?? Me and the guys are sorry that we couldn’t make it earlier…”

silence

“Y/N? did you hear me?”

He turned on the light and looked at your face clearly

“oh…Y/N, are you crying??”

You shake your head angrily but there’s no denying the tears running down your face

Kuanlin is so concerned, and pulls you into a hug

“Hey, hey, hey it’s alright, what’s made you so upset?”

You hug him back, clinging to him, your anger evaporating at the close proximity

instead your heart is now pounding at an insane speed and you can feel the cheeks starting to heat up

“I just…I’ve just really missed you, you idiot”

you try to disengage yourself from the hug and hide your face but Kuanlin just wipes away your tears gently with his thumbs before pulling you closer and patting your hair

“I missed you too Y/N, a lot.”

He pulls away slightly and hands you the present

“The basketball season is drawing to a close, so we get to go on a break for a few weeks, I just thought I’d come let you know in person and give you this at the same time.”

His face is tinged with pink and he scratches the back of his neck in embarrassment.

After unwrapping it you see it’s a beautifully and intricately designed necklace

You marvel over it as it sits delicately in the palm of your hand

He’s still nervously looking at you trying to assess your reaction

“UH…if you don’t like it, there’s an exchange card in the gift box, so if you don’t want it you can change it to something nicer at the shop just in case you -”

“Kuanlin, it’s beautiful, i really love it”

“YOU DO?”

this boy had spent hours at that shop trying to find that freaking necklace

and every single member of W1 had seen it and reassured him that you’d like it

but he was still nervous af the poor kid

He took a deep breath to try calm himself down as he took the necklace from your hand and signalled for you to turn round

you did and he gently pushed your hair to the side

his fingertips brushed your neck as he put the necklace on you and you couldn’t help but shiver

Suddenly his arms wrapped round your waist and you were enveloped by his warm body

“Y/N…Happy belated Birthday.”

After Kuanlin left that night, you lay in bed replaying the scene over and over in your head

Something about your relationship with him was different now, but in a good way

Playing with the necklace still hanging round your neck, you smiled to yourself

Who knows how things will go from here, but right now all you can think about is the next time you’ll see Kuanlin and how much you liked being in his embrace

huhuhu i always struggle to end my AUs and they turn out extra mushy, im sorry! I’m going to try really hard to do at least one update a week, but because my final exams are coming up real quick I can’t promise anything! Remember, if you’ve sent in a request, I will put them up on my masterlist as soon as I’ve seen them, so you can check if I’ve received them/if i’m working on them there! Once again, thanks for reading!! xo