#that idk how to shave anything that’s not my legs properly

[a-small-writer-in-a-big-world]

The idea of real sex sounds terrifying when you realize that someone has to see you naked and you have to shave every part of you body including in places that seem impossible to do so

[whatididtday]

September 15/Fri:

Woke up around 11:30, was motivated to get something done today.

Looked into how to optimize LinkedIn and clicked some new photos (none of which I felt is as good) but I still added one of them to my LinkedIn profile

Got v anxious v fast as I saw I am not eligible to apply for any job as my skills are below subpar and had a breakdown

I did apply to some places and got rejection mails p soon

The whole afternoon I cried, it's like a routine now to cry in the afternoon

Again my partner reassured me that it's not the end of the world and I still have time, I'm v burnt out so doing such stressful things will make me have more meltdowns and that I should rest properly

After the encouragement and lots of love from them I felt lots better

I then hyperfixated on Yoongi for a while and had a mental monologue about how Yoongi 's songs are so deep despite him appearing so non chalant.

I ate lots of sweets yday, more than 5 pieces of thick milky sweets and that caused my head to spin real bad but I wasn't able to sleep and felt again v depressed

I've been taking medications properly, now that my mom makes me take it religiously and won't go till I have and it but the feelings of great despair and helplessness doesn't go away and I have to fight with myself to not feel that way.

My partner has been telling me to take therapy frequently ans it might help as they feel it helps them, so I should look forward to my next session.

I played Pogo the whole afternoon toll mom suggested I should go to swimming as it's been a while and my membership lasts till 12 October, which was a surprise.

I thought I've not been doing any physical exercise so I should go and also it's nice to swim and hopefully due to my exercise my periods will be regular.

I shaved my legs and got in my swimming costume, blasted *Crossed* while playing pogo on my way to swimming pool. Just when I was about to enter a bird pooped on my shirt, it was drizzling a bit so I help my hand out and that's exactly when the bird decided to poop

The poo didn't hit my hand but was on my chest area and there's a school beside the swimming pool place and all the kids were like ew and I felt v embarrassed by I think I handled it v v welln

I wiped the poo and didn't really react much and went on my way.

I reached ten mins early to the swimming pool but I took some time to fix my costume and wear my cap.

The goggles I have is really bad idk why, I'm unable to see anything when I wear it, yday I noticed some scratches, I'll investigate it more and see wtf is up with it.

Swimming after a whole month was hard, I had very less stamina, I could only do 12 laps, usually I go for 16-18.

There was a v sweet thing happened yday where two kids, one 4th grader called Di and 5th grader called Gi came up to me to talk while the swim sesh.

Gi and I have waved at each other and had skme tiny brief talks, she asked me if my septum piercing hurts and she said her nose hurts everytime she sees mine which was funny and told me back then that she was in 5th grade.

Gi and Di both came to me and asked whixh grade I am in xD, bless their heart tbh it's so sweet and I took some time to answer, I first said I'm not in any grade to which they got a bit confused and then as they are kids and won't understand I'm unemployed and all the follow questions if have if I told them this would be bad so I said I'm working in Amazon ( it's been 5 months since I resigned) and they were like ohhhh so you get Amazon things for free? Can you get us something and it was v sweet and funny.

Then these two started splashing water at ecah other while I did one lap and after I rested next to them one of the kiddos splashed lots of water on me and as they are kids it was funny that tiny kids splashing loads of water on an adult, so I allowed it and was joking around that oh no ill drown xD

And they were splashing more and more water to whuxh I splashed back some and they were having fun wuth this and whenever I splashed water they'd turn away so that they don't get splashed directly on face so I swam under water and popped up right next to Di and splashed lotsa water and she was Owo how? It was funny nice and funny

Then both the kids started asking me to play around with them instead of swimming as it's fun whne I'm there and it was really sweet so I obliged. They did their childish shenanigans and when the bell rang indicating it was 7 already we got up and the kids asked me to walk home with them

The younger one, Di asked me if I'll come tomorow and I jokingly said no I can't, because you splashed so much water on me I'll get cold and she got v scared and said no no I'm sure you'll not get cold, and seeing her distressed I said haha jo, But she wasn't like content so she held her tiny pinky out and asked me to pinky swear I'll come tomorow and I did and cuz I did this with Di, Gi also made me pinky swear with her and now I have to go to swimming today else they'll be upset

Idk why I think so much, I started thinking what will happen after I stop going to swimming, will they be sad cuz I don't want them to. Plus I just am a bit worried that I'll not get much exercise done now that I'm stuck with kids, let's see how it goes...

I was v v excited to tell my partner about all this, but not on text, I wanted to hear them laugh and giggle so I texted them I'll tell em all during the nightly video calls and they were excited but I was more excited to tell if to someone right then and it was not night yet, so I told mom ans she laughed but I have been trying not to talk to mom much as our relationship is v dysfunctional ans she's extremely controlling and when I confront she says hurting words and abandon me to deal with damage. It makes me realize it's the first time ever that I'm keeping things both happy and sad from her due to her reluctance to hear me out without dismissing and abandoning me when I need and then tell me leave trauma and past problems in the past lol.

I had tea whole telling her the least amount of retail about the kids shenanigans and mom got some dhoklas and a cashew sweet which I ate.

After that I studied for 48 mins, I realized how much more I need to study and do more projects to get a hang of the concepts, it took me so much time to replicate one simple web page and it kinda geared me to study regularly.

Was called for dinner just after that and dinner was a sensory night mare, weird texture veggies and fish and it was really overwhelming. But I had to eat so I can take my meds.

Took meds at 9:36

After coming to my room I tried studying for some more time till it was ten and then we videocalled and I told them the whole thing ans we laughed but it seemed they were very sleepy and I wanted so bad to hear things from them more, to spend more time but I wanted tu be a kind partner and ask them to go and sleep and I think they saw I'm being a bit upset and they were like nope I'm tired yes but I wanna talk to you now.

One tiny hurt in me starts branching spreading into a whole big disaster but I did my best to control it.

They said they wanted to send me another sleep story vn and I was like please don't bb, you sent me so many of them so I want to completely cherish it and then out of guilt I told them please don't put so much effort in sending the sleep recordings, it's so sweet that you do but I don't want you to exert yourself and it hurts me and to this they felt extreme guilt and said I send em so you relax and feel happy and not be upset, please don't think I'm putting lots of effort into it and hurting myself, I enjoy doing it for you and you deserve it. You deserve the best love and I'm giving you that and I was on the verge of tears from all the kindness and love but also vv upset with myself for not stringing the words correctly and yet we resolved that thing and they were so eepy, I asked them to sleep please and they agreed and we exchanged our kisses and love.

I love them so much, I really want to marry them, have the rest of my life with them and for that I need to heal and not cry a lot and also fix my thinking and work on my dreams.

I slept p soon after that

[in-tua-deep]

idk if you still do au ideas but what if delores was a real person in the apocalypse? how it woul dbe done i have no idea but i love all your aus and thought it would be cool

okay okay I don't tend to go for real!Dolores aus admittedly because I find her much more compelling as what she is: a reflection of five himself and a symptom of his crushing loneliness

but i started thinking about it and you know what?? i think five deserves a little socialization, as a treat

so say like, 0.5% of the population is resistant to abilities. Allison would really struggle to rumor them, Five wouldn't be able to jump with them, and, most importantly, whatever the fuck Vanya's ability does has like, reduced damage or something

and the og apocalypse isn't the moon apocalypse, so let's say that it was pure waves of Vanya's powers that fucked over the earth

so 0.5% of the population survives the apocalypse. though, let's be honestly, the real number is a lot smaller than that. People who might have survived Vanya's initial power wave (miraculously) did not survive buildings crushing them or survive the car/plane/bus/train/other transportation crashes or survive being left alone when they are too young to reliably look after themselves, or the variety of other problems that come with 99.5% of the population dying at once

So, Five arrives in the apocalypse and is met with ruin and fire and a whole lot of dead people. He finds his siblings, but it doesn't matter. They're dead. He doesn't even recognize them at first, these strange grown-ups who he identifies not by their faces but by the umbrellas on their wrists that match his own

As he realizes the full impact of his situation, he hears a voice that says, very succinctly, "holy shit!"

It's a girl a few years older than Five himself, maybe 15 or 16, and she is very excited to see another survivor.

And here's where I u-turn this au around bc i'm not all that interested in real!Dolores, but I would be down to talk about Five meeting survivors in the apocalypse, because if Dolores is real I don't buy no one else survived.

So Dolores shows up and see a Literal Child crying over the corpses of his family and assumes that Five is a fellow survivor, and she immediately grabs him up. Five is incoherent with grief at this point anyway, so he doesn't even protest when she basically hauls him away from the bodies. She's babbling at him, but he doesn't really hear anything she's saying

And then she takes him to her dad

(Why not, let's have the 1% potentially be a heritable thing)

and her dad, let's call him just some dad name. like Rick. it has been a fucking WEEK for him, okay. he had his daughter with him, his ex-wife is on the other coast for her work, and by some miracle he survived the apocalypse and so did his child, and he's been wracking his brains trying to figure out what the fuck to do next

and then his daughter shows up with a traumatized thirteen-year-old in tow

now rick is a good dude. he's a dad. they get out of five that his name is five ("what the fuck" dolores mouths to him over five's shoulder and rick can't help but agree) and the bodies he found were his siblings ("Dad and Ben and Vanya weren't there though," this child cries desperately and rick feels his own heart clench in response, "They might still be alive!")

"We can look for them." Rick assures his new adopted child, because he is an adult in a fresh apocalypse and this kid has presumably lost everything he's ever known (more than rick even knows at the time)

and they do. They each get wagons and they go out and find supplies and look for other survivors. Five is... surprisingly helpful and also surprisingly docile as he is able to rely on Someone Else to give orders while he attempts to (dissociate) process what the fuck has happened

and here's the thing: Five prides himself on being independent, sort of. He's independent for a child soldier, but he's used to taking orders from a male authority figure and Rick happens to be just that

The first time that Five does something dangerous and Rick yells is a revelation

(Rick isn't sure if he hopes that Five's dad is alive or not, because if they find that man alive then Rick might just kill the jackass himself. Also like, Five is bizarrely knowledgeable out survival skills, like way too knowledgeable about it, which is helpful for them but also very concerning)

they find a newspaper and Five finds the article that mentions his father's recent death ("Huh. Heart attack." Five says, and there is no emotion in his voice)

(Years later, years later, Five and Rick talk. "I don't think I wanted to find him, either." Five admits, softly because Dolores is asleep, "I think I was more scared of finding him alive than I was of finding his body. He would've been so mad at me, I think.")

this newspaper is how Rick and Dolores find out about Five being Number Five, Umbrella Academy Missing Person

"Dude, what the fuck." Dolores says, wide eyes, "You're like, thirty?"

"I'm thirteen." Five says, and then checks the date on the newspaper again, "Also I think I would technically be 29 if I lived through all of it, 'cause it's April and my birthday is in October."

"You... time travelled?" Rick asks, which is honestly the more relevant question, "Can you go back?"

And Five just,,, crumples on himself. Because he tried, he tried really hard. It didn't work. "I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna go back, I'm going to save them."

That, Rick thinks, is a lot of weight to put on one person's shoulders, but especially the shoulders of a child.

"Alright." Rick says, because what else can he say after finding out his new child has superpowers and is from like, 2004? "What do you need?"

("Oh my god I have so many memes to teach you." Dolores says later, reverently. Five blinks in confusion and Rick mentally prepares himself for the recitation of so many vines)

And it's easier, somehow. Five sometimes feels like it's a betrayal, but he settles into apocalypse life with an ease that surprises him.

He lets Rick fuss over him and help tie his scarf securely around his head every morning before he sets off on supply runs with Dolores. And they're kids! Five has never had a friend before, and Dolores is funny and smart and she's struggling just as much as he is.

"I don't know if my mom's alive." She says to him, in solidarity when he checks the face of every corpse to see if they're Vanya.

Five is practical in the way only a child soldier can be. He's economical with the room in their wagons, carefully examining what might and what might not be useful.

Dolores, on the other hand, constantly takes up space with what Five sees as useless shit.

"Excuse you," Dolores says, shoving a game of monopoly, the entire discworld series, and a pack of glitter gel pens into her wagon, "These are absolutely vital apocalypse supplies."

She challenges him, plays with him in a way no one ever has. "I bet you I can find more batteries today than you can," She grins at him, "Winner gets to pick dinner first?"

"You're on." Five says, directly before Dolores pulls two packs of 24 AA batteries from behind her back, like a cheat.

Dolores makes him take a ten minute break when they find a playground that has been mostly not-destroyed. They rummage around kids backpacks and mother's handbags for some good loot, too numb to corpses to even be bothered all that badly about the corpses they belong to.

"I'm getting on the swings." Dolores says when Five starts making noises about moving on, "I haven't been on a swingset in ages."

"What's the point?" Five grumps.

"Don't be sour because you can't swing as high as I can!" Dolores laughs, getting higher and higher as the swings creak ominously.

Five grumpily gets into the other swing and grudgingly kicks himself back and forth until Dolores takes pity on him and teaches him how to properly move his legs and body to get higher and higher.

Dolores jumps from the swing seat and lands with a flourish and smile. Five jumps out of his seat and then jumps, warping right in front of Dolores and making her yell and hit at him in outrage. Five smiles the widest he has all week.

This is how Five grows up in the apocalypse, with Dolores teasing him into taking breaks and leaning over his shoulder to look at his math and scandalizing him by stating that she'd only just started on matrices in her own high school math class.

Every night they huddle around Rick while he picks up whatever book Dolores picked out that day because it is a travesty that Five has never read hunger games or whatever, and then they read together because it would be a genuine blood bath if they all took turns. The first time Five accidentally mentioned a spoiler and Dolores genuinely considered murder was the birthday of this tradition

Some days the air is too smoky or there are dust storms or it's just plain too dangerous to go out, and they all stay in. Dolores regales Five with stories about public school, and Five tells them about his siblings.

Then they all cry

"I shouldn't be crying." Five sobs.

"Shut the fuck up," Dolores sobs back, "You literally watched me lose my shit over remembering my shitty eighth grade dance and listened to me sob-sing toxic for like four hours."

"In fairness I also wished you would shut up then."

"Let me hug you or I will start singing songs that I only remember the chorus for again you absolute fucker."

"I could always sing some -"

"No, Rick/Dad."

And Five grows up. Rick shows him how to shave very carefully in front of cracked mirrors. Dolores teases him every time his voice cracks. Rick tells Five in no uncertain terms that he loves and cares for him, and that Reginald was a little bitch. There are a lot of heartfelt conversations around that, honestly. Rick telling Five that he and the siblings deserved better, that they were children and deserved to have a childhood.

And that he has faith in Five. Rick and Dolores both do, they bring him back paper and pens and pencils and chalk and anything Five can use to write equations. They poke around any libraries for books on theoretical mathematics and quantum physics. Rick and Dolores go out scouting for food while Five stays home and can work longer.

They also make him take breaks, make sure that he's looking after himself.

They're a little better off than OG!Five when it comes to food, because some animals survive. Enough that Rick figures out how to hunt. Five is the first one to each bugs, and even though Dolores makes faces they all start eating bugs as well.

"Pretty sure there's loads of cultures that eat bugs." Rick says grudgingly, wondering if he should try stirfry the cockroaches and if that would improve the taste. "There's even, uh, cricket flour or whatever, right?"

"Plus you eat like, five spiders a year when you're asleep." Dolores says cheerfully, just to watch her dad's face scrunch up in displeasure.

"That doesn't sound true, but I don't know enough about spiders to dispute it." Five mutters, and Dolores gives him such a proud look that it makes him roll his eyes.

They're in their thirties when Rick dies. He's out foraging and hunting, and the rubble he's standing on gives way and he ends up with a gash in his leg. He manages to stop the bleeding, but the world is filthy and they don't have any antibiotics.

He gets an infection.

"It's okay." He tells both of his kids, "It's okay. I'm just so glad that you guys have each other, y'hear? I'm so glad."

"It's not okay." Five says, voice thick and choked, "It's not."

"Yeah, well, you're going to figure out how to go back, right? Go back in time and save everyone. Then I'll have never died, right?" Rick smiles, "And even if you don't, I'll be waiting for you on the other side and we'll see each other again anyway."

"I'm going to fix it."

"I know. I have faith in you, Five." Ricks says honestly, and that's more than Reginald ever said.

They sit quietly together while Dolores is out scavenging. They've been taking turns sitting with Rick.

"I won't remember you, in the past, will I?" Rick says rhetorically, but Five answers anyway.

"I don't think so."

Rick hums, "Well, doesn't matter. If you need help in the past, you come to me, y'hear?"

"You won't remember me."

"Doesn't matter. You come find me, and you tell me your crazy story until I believe you, and then I'll help you." Rick says firmly, "You're family. You're my son. Timelines? Don't matter. If you need help, with anything, even if it's just with - with filling out a bowling team or something -"

"I have never been bowling in my life and you know it." Five interrupts, but it makes him laugh just a little bit which was clearly Rick's intention.

"Well who knows what you'll get up to in the past! You'll be able to go bowling, you know. Get to wear those uncomfortable shoes. Hey, you go far enough back maybe you can go to Dolores's tenth birthday party and put me out of my misery."

"Was she bad at bowling?"

"Oh, she was wiping the floor with me. No contest."

"Honestly, that sounds absolutely accurate."

"Shut up, bowling just wasn't my sport. Regardless, the point was that I'm giving you a free pass to come and get me. Because I know you, I know how you think." Rick brings up his hand to tap his finger against Five's forehead, "You get it into your head that you need to go it alone, take it all on your shoulders. I'm telling you that if you do that I'll somehow manifest my memories and come smack you over the head for being stupid, you hear?"

"I'm not dragging you into anything." Five says firmly, "I'll have my siblings."

"Who were also children." Rick points out. "And dragging? Dragging is such a strong word for a volunteer."

"A volunteer who won't remember volunteering." Five shoots back.

Rick just shrugs, and then winces when the movement jolts his bad leg. "Five, I'm going to be honest with you here. And sappy. Can you handle a bit of sappiness for a minute?"

"No."

"Well too bad. Can't leave a dying man, you'd feel too bad. So you're stuck with me. But you listen good, okay? Because you aren't dragging me into anything. Whatever life you have, I want to have a part of that. Because you're my son. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I want to help because you're family. What you'd be doing by leaving me out of it is depriving me of someone I love, depriving me of knowing one of the best kids I've ever known."

"Shut up." Five says, choked.

"Nope, it's sappy time." Rick states, "Maybe asking you to come find me is selfish, but I don't care. No matter what version of me exists, I want to be in your life."

"My life is a walking joke, why would you want any part of that?"

"It has been my privilege to watch you grow up. To help you. To be here for you. Of course I'd want to be there to watch you grow up the rest of the way."

"But -"

"Shut up, just let me tell you that I am so proud of you. You never give up, and your heart is so big. You love so much and so loudly, and it's been the highest honor of my life to be included in your family."

Five pauses for a moment to collect himself before simply saying - "You're the best dad I've ever had."

Rick snorts, "Considering my competition, I'd sure hope so. That bar was so low old Reggie was practically limbo dancing with the devil. Now get over here and give an old man a hug."

They don't bury Rick, when he dies. They don't have time and the ground is too hard and they don't have the heart to move him. Instead the pack everything up and seal him in the shelter they'd lived in.

Dolores pulls out a bottle of ancient nail polish and painstakingly writes Rick's name on the wall with his birth year and an approximate current year. They aren't 100% sure though, since time blends together out in the apocalypse, but it's something.

They continue by themselves. They get older.

Dolores jokingly calls him her husband because the way his face scrunches up makes her cackle. They see other people very occasionally, usually passing through. Usually groups. Dolores and Five get to flex their hosting skills, though more than one group declines their cockroach stirfry.

("It's a family recipe." Five says with amusement in his eyes that usually manages to drown out old grief.)

"Jeeze, that kid couldn't have been older'n twenty-three." Dolores complains, "Makes me feels positively ancient."

"They wouldn't have known any world 'cept for the apocalypse." Five muses, pouring some boiled water into wine glasses because they might be living in the apocalypse but they can be fancy.

"Do you ever think about that?" Dolores asks, turning to him with no judgement, just curiosity. "When you go back, you'll be like, erasing them from existence."

Five shrugs, "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe this place will just split off into an alternate timeline."

"Maybe none of this is real." Dolores says, amusement coloring her voice. "Maybe you aren't talking to a real person at all. Maybe this is just a symbol of your insanity and cracked mind."

"Dolores, I literally have a scar where you stabbed me. Did I somehow manage to stab myself in the back?"

"Scraped you, I scraped you. By accident."

"So you maintain." Five says haughtily, swirling his water in his wine glass like a pretentious prick.

"I could totally be fake. You don't know my life."

"I know way too much about you, Dolores. Like, way way too much." Five scoffs, because Dolores and him have literally no secrets from one another at this point. Five even knows the truth behind what happened at Janet Scranton's thirteenth birthday party. Like, he said, way too much.

"Maybe you made it up. Maybe that's why you know so much."

"Dolores, I'm going to be honest with you right now." Five presses the tips of his fingers to his chin, "If you were a figment of my imagination, you would be so much better at math."

"Hey!" Dolores squawks indignantly, "I didn't even get to finish high school you pretentious prick!"

"Neither did I!"

"You didn't even go to high school, you brat."

"I'm fifty-two I think I've outgrown 'brat.'"

"Tell that to your attitude." Dolores says haughtily, "You're still younger than me."

"Won't be when I go back in time." Five says cheerfully, completely ignoring Dolores's venomous look.

"That's cheating."

"Sucks to suck." Five says loftily, taking another sip of his water.

Sometimes they talk about The Plan, with capital letters. What Five is going to do when he goes back in time, depending on when he pops out. Is he going to adopt his siblings? What about Reginald?

"You don't think I could kill Reginald?" Five says, holding a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"I think you should let me do it. I'll even give you control of tonight's music if you do."

"What are you doing to do? Bite his ankles? What if you're like, seven or something?"

"All the better to get away with it since I'll be too young to convict or whatever."

"Pretty sure that's not how the law works."

"How would you know? Just for that I'm playing Istanbul on repeat again."

"I don't know why you think that's a threat. That song slaps."

It takes a few more years before Five is close enough that the Commission comes to interfere. Because that's what I think happened - Five was getting too close and they stepped in because they might as well distract the man as much as they can with missions, right?

So the Handler shows up. And she offers Five a job, telling him that they have the ability to travel through time. And Five - hesitates.

"Give me some time?" Five asks, and the Handler graciously gives him 24 hours.

And he and Dolores talk it over, because now that his goal is more in sight than it has ever been and Five is scared.

"What are you waiting for? You have the chance to see your siblings again." Dolores says patiently.

"Yeah," Five says, and what he doesn't say is clear. But I won't see you.

"Five." Dolores says, and she cradles his face between her palms like he is something precious, "I have had so much time with you already. More than I would have ever. We have been so lucky, to have this time. How can I demand more than what we have already been given?"

"When have you ever not demanded the world, Dolores?" Five asks, his own hand coming up to cover Dolores's own.

"We've had decades together, Five. We're getting old. I was always going to lose you, one way or another. Nothing lasts forever."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I know. But if I had to choose a way, if I could decide where our story ends, this would be it. Letting you go, because this way you get to live. You get to see your family again. You get to save the world. I could ask for nothing more than for you to get your happy ending."

Five removes Dolores's hand from his cheek so that he can cradle it between them, "I'm happy here with you. I've never been happier. Isn't that silly? That I was happier in the apocalypse?"

"I bet killing Reggie would make you happy." Dolores laughs rustily.

"One day you're going to see the mysterious disappearance of a famous billionaire in the paper and feel a twinge of satisfaction and now have a clue why." Five laughs as well, shaking his head.

Dolores pats Five's hands, "Five, look at me. We've had our time. And you're going to give me even more of it. More time with my father. More time with my mother. I'll never know it, but you'll have saved me."

"What if this is - what if this is an alternate reality? What if I leave you here alone?"

"Then you'll be saving a 15-year-old girl from the same fate as me. Because as much as I love you, as much as I have loved this time we have had together, this is still an apocalypse. This should never have happened, and if you have a chance to go back and prevent it, then I want you to take that chance with both hands."

"Even if it means leaving you alone?"

Dolores smiles at him, "I'm not going to be alone. Far too many creepy crawlies in the apocalypse for that."

"Shut up, I'm being serious."

"Hmm." Dolores hums consideringly, "Maybe I'll head North, to that new settlement that last group said they'd heard word of. Sure they'd find some use for an old woman who's survived this long in the wilderness."

"You can have my half of the record collection." Five says, pulling her against him into a hug that she easily returns.

"As if I wouldn't have stolen them as soon as you left." She scoffs, but it's a little wet, and Five pretends his own eyes aren't leaking tears.

When The Handler comes back, Dolores gives him another hug. She also slips something into his pocket - some photos. They'd taken it a year into the apocalypse, when Dolores had found an ancient looking polaroid camera and towed it home despite Five's protests about practicality. The photos are worn and faded at the edges, but the smiles on Five's little apocalypse family's faces are undeniable.

"You'll have to see if they magically fade when you change the timeline." Dolores whispers to him with a grin, "Like in the movies."

"Okay." Five whispers back.

"You have the list of movies to watch, right?" Dolores says. Five rolls his eyes and nods because he wrote the list last night into his Vanya-book while Dolores hovered over his shoulder and critiqued his handwriting.

"And you promise to try a proper non-expired twinkie at some point?"

"That I do not promise. I think even looking at one would make me lose my lunch. I have twinkie-trauma."

"Shut up and get going." Dolores says, because the Handler is starting to tap her foot impatiently.

And off Five goes to become an assassin. Though - he's much more gentle this time. He's careful, he doesn't kill children and he usually takes jobs that don't require killing at all. He distracts and manipulates events as much as he can without killing.

He's actually much more well socialized, thanks to Rick and Dolores. Less feral child and more determined man on a mission.

Which is why he's so frustrated when he finally, finally manages to get the equations to work and falls through and falls - directly back into his stupid thirteen-year-old body.

"Shit." Five says, loudly, and revels in the surprised look on his siblings faces.

He strides into the kitchen, and they all follow him like ducklings. They look exactly the way they did when they died.

"Wow this is actually way harder than I thought it would be." Five muses, looking at their dead faces. But as Dolores would say, life is hard but you have to keep on trucking sometimes. "Whatever, what's the date?"

"Five, where have you been?" Diego demands, looking irritated. It makes Five snort in amusement.

"The future. The past. If you want like, an exact list of dates you'll have to hold your horses. I spent like, two weeks in Peru once. No souvenirs though, unfortunately."

They look taken aback, like they didn't expect Five to have quite this much sass. Oops. That is definitely Dolores's influence. Or maybe he was always a little asshole. In fairness, what teenagers aren't tiny assholes? He has an excuse.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Diego's eyebrows are furrowed in anger. It kind of takes Five aback for a second, because he remembers a Diego who stutters when he argued.

"When did you learn the fuck-word?" Five asks, raising an eyebrow before her can help it, "Grace ought to wash your mouth out with soap."

Diego immediately goes red, "Shut up!"

"Wow you're so easy to rile up. Aren't you like, twenty-something? Actually, I could figure out for myself how old you are if you gave me the date."

"I'm twenty-nine." Diego growls, like that was the point.

"Haunting!" Five says cheerfully, because that means there is way less time than he would like, narrowing his time down to a six month window.

It's extremely funny how his cheer makes all of them make faces.

It's Klaus who leans forward, "Why do you need to know?"

Klaus's face is open and curious and - (looks exactly like he did when Five found him all those years ago) - and Five can't help but answer him. "The world end on April 1st, 2019. No it isn't an April Fools joke, yes I have heard that joke like a million different times. I just want to know how close I landed so I can, you know, start working on how to fix that."

"Woah woah woah, roll it back." Allison says, holding a hand up, "What?"

"The apocalypse occurs on April 1st, 2019." Five says, slowly. "I have traveled from afar to prevent this from happening, because like, everyone dies."

"Everyone?" Vanya says weakly from the side.

She's clearly expecting to be ignored, so Five turns his head to address her directly by wiggling his hand back and forth a little. "Sort of. Like, not too many people survive at all. A handful of the human population, you know."

"But you survived?" Diego recovers admirably, if bitingly.

"Well, no." Five says rolling his eyes, "Wouldn't you just know it, Klaus here has managed to figure out a new ability!"

Everyone turns to look at Klaus, who immediately holds up his hands like he's being arrested or something, "I did not!"

"Wonderful! Now that we've established that I'm alive -"

"Why should we trust a word you say?" Luther says for the first time, looking pensive.

Five blinks, genuinely taken aback. "Because... I'm your brother? Because I can clearly and obviously time travel? Like, yeah, it would have been more convenient if I'd arrived in like, my old-body for proof-purposes, but like. I mean. Thirteen is still a pretty convincing age to be to prove time travel considering if I hadn't, I would be like, almost thirty."

"Roll it back again." Allison says firmly, "What do you mean by 'old body'?"

"Great question!" Five says pointing at Allison and smiling. Everyone looks at him weird again, and Five takes a moment to wonder if they've ever experienced positive reinforcement. Knowing Reginald, probably not. "Wait! Is Reggie alive? Wait, no, answer that in a second. Uh. When I time traveled I fucked up my body I guess, I was like, old. White hair and wrinkles-type old from spending decades in the apocalypse. But I fucked up the calculations and got booted back to my thirteen-year-old body, I guess. How, I have no idea."

"What?" Vanya says, still equally weakly.

"You have no idea how fucked up time travel is." Five whispers conspiratorially to Vanya, loud enough for the whole table to hear, "There are so many ways to die. Or permanently tear a hold in space time. But like, with life as we know if ending soon-ish, I figured I couldn't possibly fuck it up worse than it already was, y'know? Speaking of, anyone have the date again?"

"Wait, what was that about dad?" Luther asks, very focused.

"Oh, you still call him dad? Big oof." Five says automatically, because apparently his verbal filter is shot to hell after living with Dolores. It does make Klaus bark out a too-loud laugh.

"What does that mean?" Luther asks aggressively.

"It means Reginald sucks and doesn't deserve the title of 'dad,' what did you think I meant?" Five asks, and now both Diego and Vanya and both cracking smiles, though Vanya is covering hers with a hand.

"Have some respect for the dead." Luther growls, standing up and looking very large and threatening.

Five sways back, craning his head up, "Woah there big buy, sit down before I injure my poor growing spine looking up at you. Jeeze, did Reggie force feed you steroids or something? I wouldn't put it past him but like, I just want to know he at least went over the side effects of the drug with you. Also like, thanks for narrowing it down. Also terrifying! Seriously though, exact date please because if I have less than 24 hours I am going to break down crying and that is a threat."

"I love this Five." Klaus says reverently.

"March 21st." Vanya offers, finally.

"Wow! Terrifying!" Five says, clapping his hands together, "Hate that. Ten days, huh? Well, who wants to get on board the save-the-world express?"

Klaus immediately flings his hand in the air, Five points at his brother appreciatively. "Yes, excellent! I'll take the volunteer in the lovely skirt as my first team member. Any other volunteers?"

"Danke!" Klaus simpers, grinning widely like this is the vest entertainment he's had in weeks.

"I'm not just going to stand here and listen to you badmouth dad and boss us around." Luther slams his hands on the table.

"Well not with that attitude." Five snarks.

Diego raises his hand, "I would like to join team fuck dad as well."

"We can certainly debate team names later." Five says, nodding wisely as Luther gives some sort of scandalized gasp.

"Honestly, I just want to see where this is going." Klaus confesses.

Five shrugs, because he doesn't really care about the reason. "Don't you want to prove me wrong them? Prove what a well-adjusted young man Reginald Hargreeves raised?"

"Shut up." Luther grinds out, looking a moment away from throwing a punch.

"If this is all true, I have to get home." Allison cuts in, looking concerned, "I have - I have a daughter."

"I mean, if you want to give Claire a world to live in then I'd stick around, but that's just me." Five shrugs.

"You know her name?" Allison asks, obviously taken aback.

Five is almost offended, "Uh, yeah. I have her photo as well. Y'all get on like, a bizarre number of gossip magazine covers did you know that?"

Allison manages to outdo herself in terms of being taken aback once more.

There's a beat of silence, and then Five turns, "Vanya? You in?"

"Me?" Vanya blinks, looking shocked. "What can I do?"

"Yeah, what can she do?" Diego asks, crossing his arms and suddenly looking grumpy.

It baffles Five, who scrunches his nose, "Uh, like, a lot? I assume? I mean. I'm going to be honest here, just looking at y'all right now is a lot. In more ways than one! Hashtag trauma and all that, but like, name a single one of you that wouldn't be the most obvious person in the room as soon as you walked into it. Except Vanya, who somehow manages to look like a well adjusted adult, by some miracle."

"Did you just verbally say the word hashtag?" Allison asks, looking so deeply confused.

"More concerned about the trauma he tacked onto there, but y'know, to each their own." Klaus immediately cuts in.

"You think I'm well-adjusted?" Vanya asks, looking oddly touched.

"I would like to direct your attention to Diego's leather pants-scowl combo and Luther's general aura of daddy-issues." Five says pointedly, "I can practically smell the tragic comic book backstory in this room. If I'd jumped back a decade earlier this would have been Batman's wet dream of orphan selection."

"Alright! Game plan!" Five says, waving Diego's knife in his hand.

Diego's hands immediately go to his weird harness looking thing, "Hey!"

"Give me just one moment to get the tracker out." Five rolls his eyes, "Then I'll give it back, I promise. Also if someone could ask Grace for like, some antibiotics that would be good."

"What?" Allison asks, directly before Five stabs himself and there is suddenly panic at the table.

"Relax!" Five says, allowing Diego to remove the knife from his hands. He doesn't need it anyway and his hand immediately drops down to root in the wound.

"Five what the fuck!" Diego yells, but Five just pulls up bloody fingers and waves the tracker into Diego's stupefied face.

"What the fuck is that, Five?" Allison demands, looking very shaken.

"I literally just said it was a tracker." Five points out, "Now, I think our first team activity should be voting on whether we destroy it or take it out to bumfuck nowhere and ditch it to confuse the Commission."

"What the fuck is the Commission?" Diego barks.

"Man. Maybe I should just hit up Rick." Five muses, "This is going to take so much explaining."

"Who is Rick."

"So much explaining."

[h0rr0r-enthusiast]

would you consider rambling about asa or jesse? I'm interested in what you have in mind for them

alright i’ve been pushing this off for ages for no good reason so here’s that long awaited list of random hcs about jesse ,, i only have a couple hcs about asa so i think i’d rather rewatch his films or read more about him before i write about him,, until then enjoy this

(uh this will probably get a bit long)

Jesse Cromeans Headcanons

- first things first, the is mf is bi. i don’t make the rules. this guy swf doesn’t care about gender but if u ask him about his sexuality he will either refuse to answer (he probably feels he’s too old for labels) or start askin if ur interested

- idk why but im convinced he's half or a quarter puerto rican. i just feel like his mom was puerto rican and married his dad when she was really young. she died when he was young and primarily lived with his father's side of the family. after his mother's death he lost contact with her side of the family so he doesn't feel a strong connection with his puerto rican heritage. i doubt jesse cares much either. i dont think he's ever felt much of a connection or had much of an interest in learning about his own heritage or family history.

- jesse doesn’t rly like animals, especially ones that shed. he doesn’t like them and they don’t like him, it’s a mutual understanding. he also can’t be bothered to take care of any animal no matter how minimal their care is. he does not want to meet ur dog and i can promise u ur dog does not want to meet him.

- his eyes are a slightly orangey brown w warm undertones,, theyre light enough that you can see all the lil details of his iris w/o any sunlight,,

- a lil more about his eyes ! considering he was stabbed in the eye while on the “job”, he likely didn’t have any time to properly treat it or receive medical treatment for it until after his incident,, obviously that means the eye’s not of any use anymore but i also think it’s likely that the chemicals from the glue on his mask that melted his face off also damaged that bad eye beyond repair,, this leads me to believe he wears a glass eye ! typically when i draw his bad eye it’s a dull grey but that’s just an artistic preference,, tbh he probably has a whole collection of various colors ranging from natural to more fantastical,, i also think he used to have perfect 20/20 vision before but w those glue chemicals being near his eyes he was probably blind for a lil while as he healed from his injuries,, i wouldn’t be surprised if all the blunt force trauma he received from getting hit w a bat damaged his eyesight even more. he probably got laser eye surgery to correct it.

- man definitely has tattoos. im not sure if he'd have full sleeves but i can imagine him gettin em in the future if he doesn't already have em (especially to feel better about his appearance and feel some sense of control over the way he looks). what im absolutely sure of is that he has his whole back inked up. i wanna incorporate his tattoos into my drawings of him but i need to design em first.

- another thing about his appearance- he definitely has his own gym at home. before the incident he likely had his own trainer but i doubt he has one now,, probably trains on his own so he doesnt have to show his face.

- keeps his home neat and tidy, but has house maids do all the dirty work adn heavy lifting for him. all he has to do is keep everything the same until they come back the next week. he also has one special cleaner who gets rid of any blood stains and bloody bandages from wounds. the other maids don't know anything about his less legal activities.

- he never invites one night stands to his home and always throws parties at a separate location. he owns multiple properties and never reveals his home location for both privacy and safety reasons. this was especially true for when his wife was still alive.

- he has a special morning and night routine for his face and its time consuming

- jesse has alopecia and hes had it for as long as he can remember. it's spread more and more over the years so at a young age he just decided to start shaving and waxing his whole body. after he started participating in less than legal activities he found being hairless to be pretty useful. for this reason he got the hair on some parts of his body (primarily arms, hands, and legs) permanantly removed thru laser hair removal. it makes it harder to trace any evidence back to him thru hair.

this is already rly long so im not gonna go any further for now

[pocmuzings]

A GUIDE BARELY ANYBODY ASKED FOR: writing smut foreplay 101.

NOTE: every body is different. every person likes different things, and reacts different ways. i’m writing from my various personal experiences as a Self Assigned Hoe, also the self titled Smut Queen of the rpc. NONE OF THIS IS DEFINITIVE. if you’re unsure- ask your writing partner first. always.

pls be warned this is quite nsfw and straight up Filth. it also is written from my perspective as a cis-gender, pansexual woman.

IMPORTANT OOC STUFF:

always, always keep communication to your rp partner open. consent is sexy. especially with writing.

gauge the mood. if you suggest something to your writing partner and they just say ‘yeah’ or ‘ok’... don’t take it as 100% go ahead. sometimes people, especially in the rpc, will say yes just because they don’t know how to say no. an ENTHUSIASTIC YES is really really good and necessary!!!

vice versa, make sure you tell your partner if you’re not comfortable with something. if you said yes to begin with to writing a scene, but slowly u start feeling uncomfortable and weird... guess what? U CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND!!! I GUARANTEE U NOBODY WILL BE MAD! IF THEY ARE- DUMP THEM AS A WRITING PARTNER!  change your mind whenever u want, about whatever u want. writing is meant for u. its meant for u to be comfortable. ur lil safe kinky space, if u so wish it to be!

talk to ur partner. be their pal. be their fwend. writing smut can escalate v quickly, and if ur not an active talker to ur writing partner, then sometimes things can get misconstrued, or uncomfortable. even if it’s just a check in like ‘HEY HOW WAS UR DAY’ or ‘is what im writing ok????? i love when ur character does ___’ or idk. just be comfortable and friendly!!!

u don’t have to write paragraphs and paragraphs of smut. just.. give a lil detail though. give a lil smth to ur writing partner. like any other reply, just writing one sentence is not really enough for another writer to reply to.

GENERAL SEX TIPS THAT I’VE PICKED UP THAT HELP ME WITH WRITING:

anal is super popular and super wanted atm. i’m not going to say it’s a ‘trend’, bc it’s not really. but it’s definitely becoming more and more mainstream. this DOESN’T MEAN u have to do it / write it, but just know that most ppl atm are on the butt train (yahoo!). so.. yeah, expect anal to be a ~written abt thing or Wanted thing

other ‘popular’ kinks i’ve noticed atm (through fb groups im part of and just friends in general) are choking, and spanking. but this is NOT everybody’s kink. just bc it’s ‘popular’ doesn’t mean its right for ur character. kinky, rough sex is becoming more mainstream i’ve noticed.

a handjob is like.... not ever super wanted. it’s a handjob. it’s not the greatest thing in the world. as far as sexy things go, this is basic tier. a handjob is better than nothing, but i don’t rlly know anybody who actively wants a handjob.

same with fingering- look, fingering is fine, and it can get things in motion, but it’s really hard to orgasm from fingering. i’d say borderline impossible, but this is just from me (and, again, the gals in my lives) experience. fingering is GOOD as a beginning saucy movement, just like a handjob is good to begin with.. but climaxing from it is not Super Likely.

cum is messy and gets everywhere. everywhere. 

pre-cum is a thing. discharge is a thing. women getting wet is a thing. it’lll happen. it’s messy. it’s a lot sometimes, and it’s really.. slick (idk how else to explain it, but it helps with the MOVEMENT of things greatly). it’s good to write abt bc guess what? it means somebody is turned on! this is GOOD

look a ‘tight vagina’ or whatever u wanna call it, is not a Good Thing, bc it means a person isn’t turned on enough / wet enough

when writing basically anything about genitalia... use spit. oh my god use so much spit. be disgusting with how much spit is there, bc u need that as LUBE (unless ur writing ur characters using lube!!!)

write vocal characters. in my experience, nobody is ever 100% quiet during sexy times. if ur character is being touched in a way they like, trust me- they’ll be moaning. they’ll be rocking their hips. they’ll be whispering more, more, more, yeah, like that etc.

if writing rough sex, have a safe word for the characters ic. practice safe sex even with writing! safe words are rlly good bc they also actually help create a safe ooc environment too!! that way, if somebody doesnt want to say smth ooc, they can say it ic, and hopefully feel more comfortable 

write realistic sex. pls. write about the awkward noises. or the accidental wrong movement. or the laughing. sex isn’t always magnificent and beautiful. it’s clumsy and silly. and it’s fun to write it that way, bc.. look, smut is meant to be fun! so make it fun! write it as fun and silly and goofy as u want!!!!

yes cis-men have the prostate and its located in the butthole fdnjkfjkndf. but u can’t write ur character just shoving a finger in a butt. characters, just like people ooc, need to maintain communication before trying anything ‘new’ like that. safe sex everyone!!!

don’t go straight to what’s between the legs. neck kisses. nipples. breasts, back scratch, dirty talk... this is all VERY IMPORTANT to foreplay. don’t ever use write ur characters diving on in, especially not to female muses bc female bodies work v differently. we need waRMING UP! we need a lil teasing.

write hand movement! write where your characters hands are. are they carded through hair? are they gripping sheets? are they clawing at someone’s back? digging into scalps? hands are ALWAYS doing something.

writing about shaving / hair down there is not super necessary, but u do u.

involuntary noises / movements happen a lot when smth is GOOD during foreplay. gasps. moans. cries. hips jolting. mouth falling open. 

foreplay is so SO important before sex. in real life, and in smut. if i write with someone and they go STRAIGHT to writing sex, no foreplay, im like ... hewwo ?? this just isn’t realistic, and my coochie clenches. 

when writing... make ur characters ask the dumb qs u’d probably ask real life. ‘should i get a condom?’ ‘are you on anything?’ ‘did that hurt?’  ‘can i cum in you?’ ffjnkf u get what i mean? i hope.

cis men do cum pretty quickly, especially compared to women. 

showers are fine for sexy times, but WATER is NOT lubricant.

READ FAN FICTION. there’s some really really good fan fiction out there, and it actually does help with ur own writing 

if a character likes something and says ‘yeah’ or ‘like that’... that doesn’t mean necessarily to write another character ‘speeding up’ or getting rougher. if somebody likes something ‘like that’, then keep it ‘like that’, or pick up the pace a little as encouragement. 

WRITING HAND JOBS / FINGERING:

finger movement on the outside of a vagina is just as important as finger movement on the inside. sometimes it can be more important, bc some people are more sensitive on the outside. (i’m not using technical terms bc nothing abt this post is technical or medical lmao)

if u don’t use lube or spit on ur hand when giving a penis a handjob.. it’ll probably hurt the person a little and be rough and not very Easy on either party

a handjob can be pretty fuckin awkward (i’ve been told + found personally). it’s just two people lying / sitting there, with one hand uncomfortably angled to jack off another person. it’s probably the most silent of all foreplay things which is why every person i know (female, male, cis, non cis) hate handjobs. 

ur hand and fingers might cramp a little if ur fingering a female, and the movements might get a little clumsy, but thats OKAY TOO!!! 

the angle of ur hand when fingering is important. if ur just shoving it down some pants/  trousers, it doesn’t leave a lot of movement so it won’t be super Great. under a skirt, or better yet- naked, makes things a LOT easier bc u have more Room.

write about the fingers. write about them moving up and down. don’t just rub them over the clit, or have them inside a vagina. that’s not exactly how it works. we need some pressure. we need a little rub. mainly near the clitoris or on the actual clitoris itself

don’t ever start by writing fast movements. u gotta write about building a motion and speed. start slow, then speed it up. 

fingering: circular motions over near the clit slowly, then a liiiiittle faster. stroking motions up and down. moving up towards the clit properly, then back down and slowly inserting a finger. then pull the finger out. repeat. keep each movement slow and deliberate and teasing. fdjkndfbnjkdfjnk graphic, i know. but. i mean. that’s a good first foreplay move i’ve found ???

handjob: thumb over the tip first as a lil tease, then slowly roll your hand in a fist motion all the way down the length (keep ur arm in a ‘straight’ movement.) then back up. twist ur hand, especially near the tip. move a little faster if ur lubed up enough, and then u can even give a lil ball squeeze if ur feeling courageous. keep that movement going. the FASTER ur hand moves, the more close somebody will get to orgasm, bc for them it’s sometimes all abt friction. 

starting with fingering / a hand job is like the first step of a dance usually. start with hands and fingers, THEN rock on baby, to --

WRITING ORAL SEX:

as previously mentioned, use a LOT of spit or lube. slick that bitch up.

cis-women are never wet constantly. ever. in fact, u can get dry pretty quickly again, so it’s not uncommon to write abt somebody spitting ‘down there’, just like u’d spit on a penis when giving a blowjob. 

most cis-men like their balls being played with a lil. so.. dfjnknj write about balls. i know it can be awkward and weird and the word ‘BALLS’ is not sexy. just try mention some movement there. some playing, or squeezing, or whatever word u feel comfortable using. especially during blowjobs. it’s just a good thing to do if u don’t know what to do with ur hands. don’t go crazy and just grab balls really roughly. 

if ur writing about a blowjob on a penis, deepthroating is never gonna happen straight off the bat. u gotta warm up ur throat a little, get ur throat to relax inch by inch, and not gag a lot. i promise u can’t just shove a whole dick down ur throat, unless u have the gag reflex of a porn star.

BUT also. write gagging. gagging happens a lot with blowjobs. i’ve never blown a guy who hasn’t loved the sound of gagging / choking a little 

jaws ache from oral. it’s a lot of the same movements and exertion, and YEAH IT CAN HURT UR JAW

tongues are ur best friend. a tongue should definitely be mentioned when writing oral on ANYONE.

write about hands AND mouth when writing oral. (use fingers and tongue when writing about going down on a female, and use hand in a fist movement around penis, when writing a blowjob, bc gripping with ur hand what ur mouth can’t reach yet is a+)

when writing a blowjob, focus on balls, yes- but also mention the tip. it’s sensitive for most guys, so a lil swirl of the tongue, or a suck or whatever... that’s good usually!!!

when writing going down on a female- move the tongue a lot. over the clit. then back down. use ur whole damn mouth and get messy. some ppl have a sensitive clit and direct movement onto it can be a lil overwhelming / overstimulating / painful, so yes- clit is good, but it can also be a little too much for some ppl!

write about lips. when going down on someone, lips also create sensations. it’s not the same as TONGUE, obviously, but it’s still soft and warm and it’s definitely something u feel. 

if ur writing about eating a girl out: tongues can be soft and flat, or they can a little pointy when u tense them. alternating between these 2 movements can be rlly good and pleasurable. starting soft and flat near the clit is good, before moving down to stick ur tongue in a little, and move it / wiggle it. but trust me - most of the action should be SOFT especially near the clit, bc it’s sensitive.

if you’re writing about a blowjob: suction. and moving quickly. hollow out those cheeks, and write about the tongue moving as the mouth does. suck hard, but not like.... ur character isn’t a vaccuum cleaner. they should suck ‘eagerly’ or whatever, and use their hand and tongue to help them out. trust me ur jaw will lock / hurt, u cannot suck a dick for like an hour. 

if u deepthroat a penis enough, ur voice can get pretty fucked up sounding, but i’ve never had it last longer than the next day or so. it just sounds like u’ve got a cold / sore throat (and thats bc u do)

some people just don’t like oral. some people aren’t comfortable in their bodies and can’t get out of their minds when it comes to it- which is super understandable. it’s a very intimate, close thing, bc hello -somebody is staring at ur genitalia basically. so hey, if u don’t wanna write it / don’t like it, then that’s completely chill too!

you don’t have to write about ‘the taste’. in fact, it’s absolutely ok and i’d prefer if u don’t bc i personally think that gets a bit weird. u can mention there IS a taste, but u don’t have to get into particulars bc that can get kinda icky. like ... it’s genitalia. we all know it won’t taste like a peach or whatever.

cis-women orgasm from oral sex, i think sometimes more often than they orgasm from actual penetrative sex? this is based off things i’ve read, and again, my own experience. 

oral sex can take a loooong ass time to reach orgasm sometimes. it’s barely ever a two-reply-thread piece. it’s always gonna be longer then that, if ur writing it realistically. sometimes reaching climax during oral, for any gender, can take anywhere up to an hour ??? if we’re being generous ??? again, cis men are more likely to cum first, BUT good oral sex can be dragged on for a while, for anybody. 

WRITING ASS / ANAL STUFF:

im gonna say it straight up. yes. it kinda feels like pooping almost when somebody fingers ur butt. but in a weirdly.. good way. idk how to describe it. 

getting fingered in the ass is SLOW work.  a finger will NOT just go in, especially not DRY. u need saliva / lube. you need the other person to be relaxed, or breathing, and u need to coax them through it all.

u don’t really know whats going on back there if ur on the receiving end. like. u can’t TELL by feeling on what’s going on. real talk: a guy fingered me once and i thought it was two fingers, but it was 3, and then later- when he put his dick in it was fine as well bc he’d relaxed me and gotten me to feel rlly comfortable and Safe. so TRUST me thats important when writing butt stuff. i can’t stress it enough.

it feels Strained. like it isn’t necessarily painful the entire time, but u can FEEL very full. so yeah, nobody is gonna have a finger in their ass and then immediately be ready for another, or be bouncing back , knuckle deep. u need a lot of patience and time for this.

if ur a cis-female... butt stuff is Fine, but its not a way to achieve orgasm, bc honestly there’s nothing stimulating u. it feels nice and the Roughness can be a kink, but u probably won’t orgasm / cum from it

use a lot of spit and a LOT of lube

u can’t just shove a dick / multiple fingers in someones ass either. u gotta stretch it out. take ur time. it literally can take an hour + sometimes more to get someone relaxed and stretched out enough. the amount of spit / lube and fingering needed is ridiculous

when it comes to ass stuff- make sure ur character is BREATHING in order to relax their muscles. everytime they’re relaxed, everything moves easier (this just goes for sex stuff in general too!)

eating ass is a thing, and look- ur not meant to ‘douche’ regularly bc apparently it’s bad for u. so if ur writing abt anal / butt stuff, u do NOT need to write abt anything poopy related or any of the douching stuff. its a silent rule, just like in real life. we don’t talk abt it djknfgnkjd

honestly, the overall feeling of Butt Stuff is just one of being Full and a lil Stretched, and if ur into Pain / a very different feeling then it’s a Good Feeling bc it just is all abt trusting n putting ur body in someone else’s hands (and fingers)

getting ur ass eaten feels warmer / more pleasurable than fingers bc a tongue in general is just nicer and softer then fingers are. 

spread them cheeks, boys, girls and non gender conforming folk

if ur gonna touch a cis-girls ass with ur tongue or fingers or anything... pls make sure ur stimulating her clit at the same time. i promise that can make things speed up in terms of relaxation and pleasure v quickly.

always ask a cis-male before going near his ass (but also in general, always ask before doing anything), especially rlly Straight Dudes bc they get SUPER defensive abt their own ass being touched 

anal stuff can be GREAT for foreplay just bc it’s a bit risque and it’s a bit Rougher and Harder just bc it’s a tighter hole. so, honestly yeah a lil finger in the ass whilst being eaten out isn’t terrible, or being fingered there at the same time as being fingered elsewhere can  also feel pretty Spicy, depending on ur taste

for cis-men, butt stuff  can be a  VERY quick way to orgasm. especially if ur blowing them / stroking them at the same time

anal / ass stuff isn’t for everyone. don’t write it if ur not comfortable. don’t do it if ur not comfortable. 

WRITING AN ORGASM:

the body shakes, tenses, spasms and generally loses a little bit of control

ur grip turns very intense and Harsh

back arching is a Thing

hands yanking at hair is a Thing

for when a cis-man orgasms... it can happen quite suddenly, but it’ll be a little twitch, and u can FEEL them tense. fast movement is what usually gets them to orgasm Quicker, i’ve found. 

for everybody else, i feel like it can be harder to achieve orgasm, but when it happens- your legs get all tense and squeeze the SHIT out of the head between them, and u definitely make some noise. orgasm can just happen, and sometimes with women especially.. it’s kinda easier to fake orgasm bc there’s never truly a Way To Tell physically???? this could be entirely wrong, of course, but there’s SO MUCH discussion and research based on the female orgasm that i feel like i can’t write anything abt it here bc it’s SO different for everyone.

just follow the general rule: ‘you’ll know when it happens’. ‘you’ll know when you know’. 

orgasms won’t always happen. it can get CLOSE but not happen, and it’s not always some big disappointing, ‘blue-balls’ event. it happens, or it doesn’t. sometimes u can write amazing head, and the other character won’t cum, and u know what? that’s ok too.

[junosartsthetic]

Mista Headcanons

Did somebody say appx. nine pages of Mista Headcanons written at appx. 1 am? No? Well too bad, because that’s what I have to offer. These have not been read over so good luck deciphering some of them.

He do be hairy doe 

U know he’s got out of control curly hair that he doesn’t know what to do with

And I ain’t just talkin abt his head hair

Dis mans

Doesn’t understand how hygiene works

I lov him

But he smell

And the fact that he’s got a lot of hair doesn’t help that

But have no fear!

Just,,,, give him bath or shower. 

He will be fresH and make sure to shampoo and condition haiR!

Also get him some curl cream and blow dry that shit.

It’ll be stunNing!

And it’ll smell like vanilla or some shittttttt and it’ll be niceeeee

N u can run your hands through it and play with the curls n u know if u scratch behind his ear his gets all happy like a doggo

He’s a good boi!

He just needs someone to show him some love! And teach him how to properly take care of himself!

Also teach him how to properly shave because u know ya boi doesn’t know how to do that properly 

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

But it’s okey!

He learns!

Eventually….

After a lot of trial and error…

also u know with all that hair and sweat he’s got some acne

The poor boy doesn’t know what to do but you go out and buy him some skin care products and make sure he knows how to properly apply it!

Monthly spa time!

Give him a mani pedi and a nice deep condition and a face mask and put some cucumbers on his eyes!!!

He deserves it!!!

Also take away some of that greasy food he likes to eat

It’s not good for him

🥺 sorry mista but it’s for your health

But u can make up for it by giving him some smooches!

Tell him he’s a pretty boi!

Because he is!!!

He’s just a poor 18 year old that never learned how to take care of himself!

but u kiss his lil acne scars n u tell him he’s handsome n u play with his hair n give him the love he deserves!!!!

H-he babey. That all. 

N when u two finally ya know,,, get it on u make sure to let him know that u don’t care if he hairy everywhere!

U lov him!

It DONT matter!!!

U think he is stunning!

N of course let him know all the little scars he’s got from bein in the mafia DONT matter either!!!!

U kiss them!!!

And make them all okay!!!

Because it is okay!

Also idk if I mentioned this but u get him that nice old spice deodorant and it smells so good!!!

And it works so well!!!

So he’s no longer stinky!!!!

He’s fresh looking and smelling!!!

🥺🥺🥺

Also u help him pick out some clothes that let his skin and hair breathe so he doesn’t break out often and his hair stays nice n he’s hesitant because he’s worn the same clothes for sooo long but u convince him it’s for the best

N when he does he’s so happy!

He loves them!

What do they look like?

Idfk 

Gimme a sec

U get him a blue jean jacket that’s a button up in case he wants to have long sleeves

U find him a breathable shirt with the same pattern as his crop top sweater

U get him some shorts that make him look fashionable but also he can run n stuff in them

U get him some cool sneakers

U buy him a hat that’s loose and he can put his hair down or through the back of it in a lil pony tail n it’s nice

He looks so much better!!!

N u even bought him a holster!!!

It’s good.

n his stands like to chill in the pocket of the jean jacket or the shirt pocket n they’re happy too!

also in ur boobs but that’s not the point of this fic

anyway, he’s good!

And now that he’s all clean you cuddle with him more often n he loves it!

he likes to rest his head on your chest and close his eyes

U pet his hair

His stands also like to vibe inside whatever shirt or top you’re wearing n u honestly don’t mind

They just chill n rest their arms on the collar and wave at mista

Also they catch any food crumbs you drop so it’s amazing

it’s a win-win

But also awkward for Mista because he can feel anything his stands feel so the entire time he’s got a red face

Also the days you don’t wanna shave or even if u quit shaving all together, mista doesn’t give a fuck!

he’s like,,, have you seen me? Grow that leg hair out, grow out any other hair you want.

N ur like,,,, u sure?

N he’s like you put up with my hair so damn right imma love yours

So then you just vibe tbh

He makes you so confident in yourself because you did the same to him

Power couple!!!

Y’all both realize your strengths and appreciate the other for what they’ve done

It’s a good wholesome relationship 🥺🥺🥺

Oh he’s also probably self conscious about his eyebrows cause they r bushy n when he furrows them it looks like he has a unibrow 

N ur like, I can teach u to pluck ur eyebrows but also I love your bushy eyebrows?

Dem caterpillars on your face?

Stunning

You kiss his forehead right between his eyebrows n tell him you love every bit of him

He just 🥺🥺🥺

anything he ever mentions

Nose?

U smooch it.

It’s amazing.

His tummy?

Best pillow ever.

You give him a smooch on his tummy.

Literally anything— you make sure he knows that you love it because it’s a part of him and you love him!!!!

He’s also admitted that he wears his hat to hide his ears 

He’s got big ol’ ears and he’s self conscious about them

you give him a smooch on each ear

“What? Babe, you’re the only person I’ve been with that actually listens to me! Those ears are a plus!”

Soft boi need lov 

He was probably bullied when he was younger for how he looked and acted and so put up walls to ignore it

He likes to pretend nothing can get to him but he’s honestly really soft

He needs someone to confide in because he’s full of so many self doubts but he’s so good and doesn’t deserve to be!!!

he also likes being the little spoon sometimes

It’s nice to be held

He’s not used to affection and craves it

Give him all the snuggles

He deserves it more than life!!!!

He acts carefree and likes to live life peacefully but he probably has some sort of undiagnosed disorder like anxiety or ADHD that makes him hyper aware of bad things that could happen

When he was younger, he was less worrisome and such, but ever since joining the mafia he’s gotten more anxious

Who wouldn’t?

It’s the mafia!

He’s shown not to overthink things but I think he’s just telling himself that

A million scenarios are probably flying through his head

He’s a quick thinker!

That’s why people think he’s not too bright, because he chooses the direct route and chooses it fast

I think he’s aware of what he’s doing down to a T however.

He learns to drop his facade and actively talks with people without feeling anxious about it

he can now read and listen to music without horrible scenarios running through his head

Now, when he looks calm, he actually is

He obviously had a rather traumatic childhood whether he wants to admit it or not

When he says he wants a peaceful life he really just wants a break from his thoughts telling him that he’ll never get what he wants and that he’s not worth it

When he did things when he was younger and sort of just went wherever he wanted he thought that would help him get rid of these feelings

It didn’t

U help him to see that any life can be good if you make it so

He cracks jokes and makes others laugh and he likes to feel like he belongs

He sometimes regrets impulsively speaking all the time however, as he fears people find him annoying

He also gets really upset and angry easily

He learns to relax more though

You help him with this, of course, with all of your compliments and such

Also, this has been mentioned before, but cuddles!

Y’all love them

So nice

On the couch? Cuddles

On the bed? Cuddles

You love to be able to access his hair to mess with it and he loves to lay against your chest because free pillows

Usually he’s halfway on top of you, head against your chest as he tells u about his day

You’ll pet his head and play with his hair as he does so

He’ll have his arms around your waist and cling to you like a koala

When you want your hair messed with or just get suffocated from fluffy boi laying on you y’all will switch places

You’ll put a pillow on his chest tho

His stands will also mess with your hair

And probably walk on your back to attempt a back massage

But they’re too light so it doesn’t do much

You appreciate it anyway

[newobsessionweekly]

Confessions🌿

anon: helllooo your imagines are getting me through quarentine! can i request one with polo? literally anything he’s so adorable🥺

a/n: I’m sorry because I’m inactive, but I hope you are still here and you enjoy what I write. I honestly don’t know what was that, next time do not tell me “literally anything” because I’m not good at it. So next in line will be “Full of surprises part 2”, stay tuned. Though, it might take a while because I want to make it right. Ok, for now enjoy this one and stay safe!! ☺️🌿❤️

warnings: idk honestly but I NEED TO EDIT IT !!

word count: 1.316

Polo Benavent x Reader ��

School is busy as always, with teenagers walking around, looking at you, even staring to gossip better about you. This is high school, a bunch of idiots who can’t mind their own business and are jealous, because with the most popular students from Las Encinas can’t hangout everyone.

Polo rejected your call once again, and you sighed as you walked towards the entrance of Las Encinas. There are some spots that summer left behind; the sun still caress your skin with the same warmth as in the middle of July and an excruciating pain. You started your last year at Las Encinas alone, you didn’t know where is your boyfriend and you haven’t seen your best friend since the hearings. 

An arm landed on your shoulders and the owner was the unforgettable Guzmán, your best friend. His beautiful hair was replaced by a shaved head, and you knew that was a bad sign, he wasn’t able to manage his pain anymore.

You walked by the hallways silently and ignored all the glances given by the curious eyes. The death of Marina affected everyone, her and Guzmán were your closest friends and you understand his pain, you are somehow bonded. It’s feels strange as hell to walk pass those doors, those people without Marina’s laugh hearing beside you or her jumping step when something was exciting her. Marina was the other half of you, and now you are left with a broken, bleeding heart.

As you entered the classroom, you searched for Polo, but he wasn’t there. Carla was also missing so your mind made the connection immediately. You hugged Ander tight as you passed by and sat down next to Guzman before lessons began.

“How are you?” you asked and rested your head on his shoulder.

“Not that great, actually. But it is what it is.” he squeezed your hand, and forced a small smile .“What about you? How come you came alone this morning? Where’s Polo?”

“I don’t know. He seemed weird lately. Apparently Marina’s death affected him as well.”

Your worst fearing was not being good enough anymore for him. You feared he was still thinking about Carla, and he was still in love with her. And you feared losing him because you couldn’t bear losing another dear person from your life.

Your heart dropped at the sight of Polo walking into the room with Carla beside him. Guzmán tried to say something, but you returned to your sit, before allowing any word to step out of his mouth. Polo sat down next to you and kissed your cheek before your english teacher entered the classroom.

———

You’ve been silent all day, in classes you were barely paying attention and spent the lunch break with your thoughts. Everything from the past months circled around Marina’s death, everyone’s life was affected by that. Polo was changed, he hasn’t been the same energic boy you’ve fallen in love with, he hasn’t been present. He hasn’t been living his life like he had done before. 

You knew Polo wanted to be beside Guzmán on his worst days, that’s why most of the summer days you had spent alone, but somehow suspected he was with Carla.

The house is empty as always, your parents are traveling much with work and you are used to it, that’s why you and Polo are staying over at your place more than at his. He used to joke about it, telling you that his moms would start thinking you don’t like them. 

Your boyfriend came behind your back as you admired yourself in the mirror from your bathroom. This is one of the nights you prefer to cuddle up in bed, listening to the increasing storm outside. He placed his hands on your stomach and kissed your cheek, continuing on your neck. You turned to face him and tried to maintain a serious expression.

He caressed both of your arms with his “What’s wrong?”

His eyes were gently searching your face and his expression is a mixture between softness and concern. It’s not the first time he’s spending the night over, but it’s the first time it feels so distant. It feels like he doesn’t belong there anymore. You moved to your bedroom and sat down on a chair in front of the bed. 

“No, the question is asked wrongly. What’s wrong with you, Polo?” he looked at you without telling a word. “You can tell me anything; I won’t judge you.” 

“I can’t.” his expression changed immediately. He’s blank and is gazing absently at his reflection in the mirror behind you.

You landed towards him a little bit more and gabbed his hand, “Why not?”

“Because you would never forgive me.” he is serious, his beautiful blue eyes are now troubled by some unspoken pain.

“Polo, whatever it is, it won’t change anything between us.” your response ruched to get out of your mouth as your eyes were searching for his.

Your boyfriend stood on the edge of your bed, and he was absently staring at some point on the floor. His eyes are red and he was on the verge to burst into tears. You thought that was about Carla, you feared the words that will come out from his mouth. His breathing was tremulous and the hand the left leg started bouncing nervously. 

“I killed her.” he suddenly spoke, taking you by surprise. 

“What?” the question came up instantly, you didn’t realised his words.

“I killed Marina.” this time, he raised his voice and finally looked you in the eyes. 

He was terrified of your reaction. When he saw you backed off, he promptly grabbed your hand, thinking that maybe this way he could stop you from leaving. There were tears cascading down on your cheeks as you stood up, breaking his attempt to hold you. He killed her, he killed your best friend, he killed the only person that could light up your life no matter what. 

The air was far from enough, your chest burned more than you could endure. You wished your legs would not yield on your way through the door. You needed getting out of your room, of your own house, to get away from him. You were convinced he’s not a killer, there was a explication for everything, but now your mind isn’t thinking properly. 

“I killed Marina. I killed Marina. I killed Marina.”

Polo came right away and hugged you from behind. He hugged you tight, his arms holding you still and his head resting on your back. “(y/n), don’t leave! Please don’t leave!” 

You tried desperately to escape from his embrace, you tried to look him in the eyes and ask him why, how could him to that. And when he finally give up, your words sinked in the ocean of tears that formed into your eyes. 

“I did it for Carla, I wanted to help her. She was so desperate, I couldn’t let her that way, she’s my friend!” he responded to your unspoken question.

“No, Polo! Stop lying to yourself.” you raised your voice at him while running your hand through your hair. “You still love her. You killed someone for her, for fuck sake!”

“No, no. Baby, I love you. Please don’t tell anyone!” he begged as you rolled your eyes and wiped away the tears. 

At first you thought he was over her, you were happy together. But now you realised that jealousy wasn’t because of the things you made up in your head, they were based on something true. You grabbed your phone and under Polo’s attention and ran outside the house, with him following your every step. That was it, Polo killed someone. Polo killed your best friend for his ex, willingly or not, he still did it. He hid it from everyone and let one innocent man go behind the gates and did nothing about it.

[the-trans-diaries]

12.10.2020.

So yesterday I finally told my parents that I'll be taking my hijab off.

I wasn't planning on doing it just yet, but yesterday morning I was doing some thinking and I realized that I always put things off because I "don't feel ready" for them. Examples of this include not calling my dentist to book an appointment because I "wasn't prepared" to deal with the rude nurse who answers the phone, staying at a toxic workplace for 4 whole months longer than I wanted to because I "didn't feel ready" to tell my boss I wanted to quit, not telling my then best friend that I liked her romantically for a whole goddamn year because I "didn't think the moment was right". I have no idea where those thoughts came from since it was 8 in the goddamn morning and I was just sipping my coffee and watching dumb shit on youtube.

So after I (randomly) realized I tend to deny myself happiness and sometimes even my own health, I haphazardly decided to tell them I was taking the scarf off sooner than I planned. I initially wanted to wait until December, but I'm so happy I made the decision earlier.

So now we get to the bad part of the story. My mom and her constant guilt tripping, denial and downright childish behavior.

When I broke the news to her, she started rambling on about how she knew this wad going to happen, how I always make rash decisions, how I never listen to anyone's advice, how no one ever took the hijab off after putting it on et cetera et cetera. I made a point to try and not let that get to me, and to an extent I succeeded but I guess hearing about 10 000 implied insults per second gets to everyone and my lovely gut started cramping up almost like a menstrual cramp. Which was fun.

Then she starts throwing her hands around, first insulting me passively aggressively and then following it up "but it's your decision, you can do whatever you want". Classic.

"You don't respect my age. My heart can't handle this much stress." That really isn't my fault. How am I responsible for how you handle your own emotions, exactly? The answer is: I'm not. Just because you find it hard to adapt to changes doesn't mean you get to pin the blame on me.

"You're selfish and only ever make decisions without thinking about others" yada yada yada "but it's your decision". Yes. It is. But you don't have to try to play at my feelings and pity to get me to change my mind.

It hurt listening to that bullshit. Calling me selfish because I did one thing to help my dysphoria and completely ignoring everything that I've tried to spare her from in the past. All those times I woke up early and had to use the bathroom but didn't because I knew her insomnia was worsening and didn't want to wake her. All those times I made lunch and scrubbed the entire apartment down before she came back from work because I wanted her to have some time to herself. All those times I bit my tongue at being called out for the choices I made or the things I did that she disaproved of. All those times I didn't tell her how some of her actions and excuses hurt me just because I didn't want her to be upset. All those times i visited her on weekends because she said she misses me, despite the fact that I always leave that house with so much anxiety that I can't fall asleep that night.

All that, and for what? To be called selfish because I dared make a decision that she doesn't agree with? Fuck you, honestly.

I'm so done accomodating her and her inability to sort through her own personal feelings. Yes, she's my mother, yes I love her, but at the end of the day, it's not on me to make other people feel a certain way. How someone reacts to their emotions is on them, not on me.

My dad is a different story. He agreed with me taking it off, and at first I thought it was because je genuinely wants to support me but then he ruined it by telling me that now I need to "pay attention to what I present as" aka shave my legs, buy dresses, skirts and other feminine shit, follow fashiom trends etc BECAUSE it's about time I find a partner.

So there we go. He told me he wanted my hijab off anyway because I'm 22 (he thought I was 20, this dude doesn't even know my age) and single. He also told.me that he was willing to lock me up in a spa and have me get...whatever it is people in spas do, idk, never been to one but let's just say THAT did not help my dysphoria AT ALL.

I always thought my dad was a lot more laid back than my mom, but apparently I was wrong. He's hardly better. I now know that if I start dressing the way I want to aka wear my binder, hoodies and button ups and cut my hair short, that I would just get scrutinized, lectured, and possibly even threatened for not performing femininity. How nice. Great parenting.

My dad didn't throw a hissy fit and I was able to talk to him properly, so that's at least something. With mom it was a shitshow and by the time I was back home I nearly threw up from the stress they both caused me.

I don't kid myself into thinking that my life will be easier now. This was a huge step for me and I'm happy I made it, but now I'll have to find ways to compromise with what I wear in front of them. I can't dress in anything from the men's section, I'll probably have to wear makeup and do something with my hair, and all that sucks real fucking bad. I'm not sure how I'll cope mentally but I'll have to figure something out.

My next step is going to see a therapist. I need a formal diagnosis and I need to see if I can get one from a therapist that a friend recommended to me. I'm not sure how to start the conversation of me being trans with her but I hope I'll manage somehow. It's difficult when you don't have a support system.

And then after that.... after that will come the scariest and most dangerous part, which would be me coming out to my parents. I have no idea how I'm going to approach that, how I'll avoid getting beat up and shoved back into the closet, but I'll think of something. Maybe my therapist will be able to help too.

It's painful to me to respond to my parents' "i love you"s when I know that they don't truly love me. They love their daughter. Not perfectly, but they love her. Their son though? The real me? No. There is no chance, no alternate universe in which my parents accept me for being trans. And that fucking hurts. It hurts to tell them I love them and to read their "i love you too"s when I know that isn't true. They don't love me. They love who they think I am.

This was a long entry. I really needed to get a lot off my chest.

[toast-connoisseur]

ALL of the Ask Me Stuff questions

* 1: Full name: For safety purposes I’ll shorten it: Maria Barbara Gonzalez (yes, that’s the shortened version. I’m Mexican lol)

* 2: Age: 25

* 3: 3 Fears: Being buried alive, anything bad happening to a loved one, SPIDERS

* 4: 3 things I love: My family, my friends, movies

* 5: 4 turn ons: soft touches, kissing, making me food, a confident personality

* 6: 4 turn offs: Overly cocky people, racists, chewing with your mouth open

* 7: My best friend: I’m lucky to have several and I love them all with the individual pieces of my heart they each own

* 8: Sexual orientation: Queer/Gay

* 9: My best first date: I don’t think I’ve ever really gone on one tbh lol

* 10: How tall am I: 5’1 (barely make it to the 1)

* 11: What do I miss: Bars/clubs and Disneyland. Hugging people. Not losing so many people on a daily basis...

* 12: What time was I born: 3:38AM

* 13: Favourite color: Blood red (NOT maroon)

* 14: Do I have a crush: I always crush on random girls

* 15: Favourite quote: “Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I’m yours forever.”

* 16: Favourite place: It was once Disneyland now, I don’t really have a place lol

* 17: Favourite food: All of it. Of course Mexican food takes the top of the list though

* 18: Do I use sarcasm: Noooo, you think?!

* 19: What am I listening to right now: I’m watching Buffy

* 20: First thing I notice in new person: What vibes you’re giving off

* 21: Shoe size: 7 for the most part but sometimes I can fit into size 4 kid shoes

* 22: Eye color: Dark brown

* 23: Hair color: naturally: dark brown, right now: black

* 24: Favourite style of clothing: comfortable but more on the lines of retro/rockabilly

* 25: Ever done a prank call? Yes!

* 27: Meaning behind my URL: I love toast

* 28: Favourite movie: I have so many but one is Saved!

* 29: Favourite song: Lots, but Guilty Pleasure by Cobra Starship

* 30: Favourite band: Avenged Sevenfold

* 31: How I feel right now: Mellow

* 32: Someone I love: my nephew

* 33: My current relationship status: single

* 34: My relationship with my parents: could be better, but it’s there

* 35: Favourite holiday: Halloween

* 36: Tattoos and piercing i have: I have two piercings on each ear, my bellybutton pierced, and 6 tattoos (R foot, R ankle, L thigh, L wrist, L bicep, R bicep)

* 37: Tattoos and piercing i want: I want most of my body covered in tattoos so I have a long way to go. As for piercings, I want at least two more per ear.

* 38: The reason I joined Tumblr: my friends said it would be a good time

* 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I wouldn’t say hate, but we’re not friends anymore

* 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? Yes!

* 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? No

* 42: When did I last hold hands? It’s been too long :(

* 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? I work from home now so 0 minutes

* 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? Yes

* 45: Where am I right now? In my bed

* 46: If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? My best friends

* 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable usually. I have very sensitive hearing.

* 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? They actually live with me, but it’s temporary.

* 49: Am I excited for anything? My upcoming move

* 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Yes, two actually

* 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? -I work Monday-Friday

* 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? -OOF

* 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Hot

* 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? -Everyone has different trust levels tbh. My best friends hold top tier.

* 55: What is something I disliked about today? I had to work

* 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Beyoncé!

* 57: What do I think about most? The future I want

* 58: What’s my strangest talent? I honestly don’t think I have one? I guess being able to mimic certain voices/accents sometimes but I wouldn’t say I’m pro

* 59: Do I have any strange phobias? I don’t think they’re strange, I just hate feet

* 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

* 61: What was the last lie I told? “I’ll work on that”

* 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? It depends who I’m talking to, but phone tbh

* 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Both are very real

* 64: Do I believe in magic? Yes

* 65: Do I believe in luck? To an extent

* 66: What’s the weather like right now? Nice and cold

* 67: What was the last book I’ve read? I strictly read fanfiction lately

* 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Don’t love it, don’t hate it

* 69: Do I have any nicknames? Barbie, Barbs, whore, homo... you know, cute stuff

* 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I split my eyebrow open and had to get stitches

* 71: Do I spend money or save it? Por que no los dos?!

* 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? No, but my best friend can and it’s so cool!

* 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? My sweats are pink

* 74: Favourite animal? I love animals but wolves are pretty top tier

* 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Sleeping

* 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Sexy. Mr. Sexy.

* 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? -I Wanna Get Better by the Bleachers

* 78: How can you win my heart? Be nice to me and have good conversations to me and occasionally buy me chocolate

* 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? The entire lyrics to Act Up by City Girls

* 80: What is my favorite word? Motherfucker

* 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I honestly bounce to and from so many. There’s no way I can only pick 5. All the ones I reblog from are so great!

* 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? STOP GOING TO PARTIES

* 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? Not that I’m aware of

* 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? I can turn invisible

* 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? None really tbh

* 86: What is my current desktop picture? I made it into a winter wonderland for the holidays

* 87: Had sex? “It’s been 84 years...”

* 88: Bought condoms? I’m gay

* 89: Gotten pregnant? See above

* 90: Failed a class? I think in middle school maybe?

* 91: Kissed a boy? Yes

* 92: Kissed a girl? Yes

* 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Sadly, no

* 94: Had a job? Sadly (but also thankfully since I need money)

* 95: Left the house without my wallet? No

* 96: Bullied someone on the internet? No

* 97: Had sex in public? Yes

* 98: Played on a sports team? Yes

* 99: Smoked weed? Yes

* 100: Did drugs? Yes

* 101: Smoked cigarettes? Yes

* 102: Drank alcohol? Yes

* 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? No

* 104: Been overweight? No

* 105: Been underweight? Yes

* 106: Been to a wedding? Yes

* 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

* 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

* 109: Been outside my home country? Yes

* 110: Gotten my heart broken? Sorta but I bounced back pretty quick so idk if that counts

* 111: Been to a professional sports game? Long ago

* 112: Broken a bone? No

* 113: Cut myself? I’m very accident prone

* 114: Been to prom? Yes

* 115: Been in airplane? Yes

* 116: Fly by helicopter? No

* 117: What concerts have I been to? So so so many. I miss them.

* 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? I’m gaaaaaaaay

* 119: Learned another language? I’ve been bilingual since I was a child

* 120: Wore make up? Yes

* 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? No

* 122: Had oral sex? Yes

* 123: Dyed my hair? Yes

* 124: Voted in a presidential election? Yes

* 125: Rode in an ambulance? I worked for an ambulance company so just for fun

* 126: Had a surgery? Besides oral?

* 127: Met someone famous? I live in LA, so yes lol

* 128: Stalked someone on a social network? No

* 129: Peed outside? Yes

* 130: Been fishing? No, I’d like to!

* 131: Helped with charity? Yes

* 132: Been rejected by a crush? Fifth grade was a tough year for my love life...

* 133: Broken a mirror? No

* 134: What do I want for birthday? To be able to see all my friends in a safe environment

* 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? I’d like as many as I can comfortably afford. I’d have to discuss with the (future) wife about names

* 136: Was I named after anyone? The Virgin Mary (la Virgen Maria) and some Spanish actress named Barbara something...

* 137: Do I like my handwriting? No

* 138: What was my favourite toy as a child? I loved dolls

* 139: Favourite Tv Show? Bewitched

* 140: Where do I want to live when older? California forever unless properly convinced otherwise

* 141: Play any musical instrument? Used to play trumpet and alto sax. Can’t play anymore lol

* 142: One of my scars, how did I get it? See Q70

* 143: Favourite pizza toping? Pepperoni. I love all sorts of toppings but that’s my fav

* 144: Am I afraid of the dark? No

* 145: Am I afraid of heights? Yes

* 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Yes

* 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Daily

* 148: What I’m really bad at: Focusing. In my defense, I have ADHD

* 149: What my greatest achievments are: graduating college, getting promoted at work, buying my own car, purchasing a home

* 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I once got told “good luck on the short bus” by a guy that was upset I make more money than he does

* 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: take care of all my bills, invest, and then try to help as many of my loved ones as I could with theirs

* 152: What do I like about myself: my resilience

* 153: My closest Tumblr friend: @itssofragile

* 154: Something I fantasise about: My future

* 155: Any question you’d like? Nah, I think we’re good!

[365daysofmchart]

Reflecting on McHart: 3x01

Long time no see! But just thought I’d make some little (as it turns out) incredibly lengthy remarks about McHart-related things that stood out to me in the season 3 premiere of The Good Fight! May or may not do more of these throughout the season--let me know if you’re feelin’ it. Obviously 3x01 spoilers below!

1. Them holding hands, (and her leg slung over him which we couldn’t really see in the scene but did in the promo) and THAT CHIN GRAB, and him indulging her, oh my! (BUT WHY WOULD HE TEMPT FATE LIKE THAT SAYING “WHAT COULD GO WRONG?” DAMN IT, KURT!)

2. I had been planning to make a clever remark about how I had so been looking forward to seeing what a home/bedroom that was truly both of theirs would look like... and then (once seeing it in the promo/promo pics) that apparently it looks exactly like a Diane bedroom, lol (which is sweet in it’s own right too, I suppose, him just letting her run with it... or perhaps her insisting they do it together but then she vetos like 95% of his ideas so then he just gives up). But then I saw the gun case with more than a dozen firearms in it so actually a Diane/Kurt bedroom seems to be a Diane bedroom with an abundance of guns. ...Which honestly kind of surprises me, especially given that they’re not really locked away. Wondering how those negotiations went between the two of them. ...Are the guns in the bedroom going to become relevant in a later episode??? So many questions. 

But anyway, further on their bedroom, THAT THING IS FREAKING MASSIVE. I know that they want it to function as sort of a catch-all space for the season so that they can get away with shooting every single McHart home scene in that one space and so it has to serve a lot of functions, but good lord, I think an entire apartment could fit in there? And HOW MUCH SEATING DO THEY NEED? They’ve got enough for--no exaggeration--more than ten in there. That’s insane. Are they planning to have a freaking soiree in there??? HA! ...It is gorgeous though, props to Beth!

3. The domesticity of their morning! He’s shaving (with a shaving brush OF COURSE and probably a straight razor) in a towel in the bathroom and her unpacking his stuff as they talk (or holler, rather) back and forth, just kind of hanging out while doing their own things to get ready for the day. THEY’RE MARRIED. My heart! 4. Diane’s increased knowledge of his guns and his preferences despite the fact that he has probably like 50 of them. How much time does he spend talking about guns and she sits there and lets him and listens, probably mostly because she just loves watching him in his element... and also because THEY’RE MARRIED and idk, I guess you do stuff like listening to your spouse talk about things you’re maybe not totally into when you’re married?

5. He called her (at work vs. her cell) while she was on her way to work, after she had just left him, but we never find out why. WHY???

6.HER HELPING HIM PACK. Ans it’s because she “saw airplane tickets on our account.” On “OUR ACCOUNT.” Something tells me they hadn’t merged much of anything before (including their lives), but they have now and it warms my heart!

7. I actually love the way they handled the hairs/her suspicions.To start with, I think it’s natural that after everything, even if they have moved forward and are starting over, even if she has worked though everything and trusts him, I think it’s perfectly realistic that certain feelings might creep up given certain circumstances. Of course exploring this in the show could’ve easily gotten into “drama for the sake of drama” territory and been incredibly messy and destructive, but it wasn’t. 

She wasn’t looking for reasons to be jealous, wasn’t looking to catch him in a trap--they honestly were “just there.” She then handled it so well, asking him reasonable questions, went on with her day, then maturely confronted him about it at home that night. (And honestly, I don’t think she actually thought he cheated, just that he was hiding something perhaps a little less than seemly that had to do with one of his “Fox blonds.”)  And then when she does approach him about it, she starts by telling him she loves him! She’s diving into this situation knowing it could be messy/hurtful but wants to preface with an “I love you” cause they are so IN THIS. Oh, also, ya know, he was being dishonest with her/lying to her, so her suspicions were totally valid. ...And on that note, DID KURT REALLY NOT LEARN HIS LESSON ON BEING HONEST WITH HER?!?!? Like he’s the most honest guy with literally e-ver-y-one else... but his wife. I think it just comes from loving her and not wanting to upset/hurt/lose her, but COME ON, MAN.

8. “I’m being paid. I don’t have a job, I’m hiring myself out...” “They pay me, Diane; it’s money. I’m not doing it because I like them!” “I’m being paid! I’m working!” That. Job. Though. His excuses are such a cop out because they obviously don’t need the money by any means. But I think it really speaks to Kurt and his pride--he loves his wife dearly, loves her strength, will always support her and is genuinely okay with her being the primary breadwinner. ...But he also still feels the need to pull his weight--to have a purpose and to contribute something financially. To “be a man.” (But again, as much as he may feel the need to play a traditional male gender role, he also has zero expectations that Diane do the same!) Because he could always volunteer in some way, take on smaller jobs, wait for the right long-term, paying position... but he’s taken that one. Because pride (which apparently trumps integrity? LOL!). (Throwback to season 2 of TGW!) Oh, Kurt... BUT ALSO SHE SEEMS TO GET THAT, because yes, she’s definitely upset about it and judges him for it, but she doesn’t even begin to try to talk him out of it, just, “Nope, you’re right. You have to do what you have to do.” She knows it’s important to him and respects that it’s something he feels he has to do! (They’ve come so far from 5x06!) As he respects that she has to do what she has to do. Like she just walks out on some kind of vague mission and he just stands there, a little confused, but like, “...Okay? Well, you do you, I guess. I’ll be here.”

9. THEIR TEASING, I LOVE IT SO MUUUUUCH. Honestly it’s been so long since we’ve seen them relaxed and playful together that it almost felt out of character for Diane for a hot minute and then I thought back and was like, “oh yeah, never mind, this is just what they’re like together when they’re not being put through the wringer by the writers!” Gasp! ...But like oh my God, they’re so freaking cute and yes please I’ll take more wise-cracking-sarcastic-sasshole Diane EVERY EPISODE, PLEASE!!! And let’s be honest, Kurt loves it. He looks at her with heart eyes and that little smirk that he can’t quite master because he’s just so in love with her even especially when she teases him. But then “Come on, come on. A little hug, please.” Like it’s not even a kiss or sexual in any way, she’s just missed him and just wants to embrace him for a moment. And given their history in regards to physical intimacy and that we can be quite certain that their sex life is still plenty vibrant, I think that a hug actually means more than tearing into each other, you know? They’ve always had that physical draw, the hug is more a product of an emotional one. (THOUGH I WOULD HAVE ZERO COMPLAINTS ABOUT THEM TEARING INTO EACH OTHER) And then, from the slightest wince she knows something is wrong and presses him on it!

10. The entirety of the “They shot you!” scene was pure GOLD. Every line, every delivery. And then her concern followed by her frantic ire and demand to know who did it, and his trying to calm her but then getting riled himself... UGH. I love it. All of it. Every bit of it. But especially... (And some lines I’ve highlighted at the bottom!)

11. Idk, but I just really love when he shows her the ointment? It just feels SO [OLD?] MARRIED COUPLE. Like, “Yeah, I did go to the hospital and they gave me this stuff to put on it, see? Here it is. Do you want to look at it?”  (And her just automatically taking it from his hand!) Honestly I clearly can’t adequately put words to why this in particular stands out to me, but it just gets me every freaking time.

12. Moment of appreciation for their bathroom (the one room that’s actually lit properly, lol) and alllll of her products and their matching toothbrushes in the middle, then that lil red car on his side (’cause they have sides, guys!). Dying to see their bedroom reasonably well lit at some point during the season (we hope) to see more of these little details! (...Also why are their towels hanging in their washroom area where it would appear that there is only a toilet???)

13. “You’re not fit to kiss my husband’s feet--a truthful man, uncomplaining, never passing the buck, never punching unless he’s punched. When did he become the exception?” After everything, after it all, after the lies and the hurt, she still believes that this man is the greatest man to walk this earth. Perhaps she now knows that he’s not perfect... but I think she believes he’s the closest any man will get. She just loves him SO. DAMN. MUCH. And then just gently resting her arm over his waist while careful to keep her distance from his wound cause she just wants needs that connection... I CAN’T WITH THEMMMMM.

14. Also, ummm... can we please get shirtless Kurt in 3 scenes in every episode??? 15. Diane uttered like 2 “husband”s, 2 “wife”s, and one “married” in this single episode... clearly the writers are as committed to defining them as MARRIED AF as we are.

And just a few other lines that stood out to me:

“I’m happy. ...Am I ridiculous?” “You like narrating your life.”

“But mean it.”

“...And it reeked of cologne, or mousse, or something, and I know that you’d rather die than use girly products...”

“...Then which of you Fox blonds is it?” (”Fox” did not sound like “Fox” upon my first watch/listen, haha!)

“You call him Eric?” “Oh, God...”

“DIANE, you’re scaring me!”

“My God, my poor husband. What have they done to you?”

“That’s why they delayed the trip, they SHOT you!”

“I can do the ointment.” “No you can’t!”

“The most important person in my life...”

Alright, as per usual I got ENTIRELY carried away, but anyway there ya go. Hope at least one of you gets amusement out of it, lol! And feel free to comment/"Ask” your own thoughts!

Happy “More McHart is only 25 hours away!” -E

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #181

"wine is fine, but whiskey’s quicker. suicide is slow with liquor.”

What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? I mean I'm not a virgin? Have you ever said “I love you” to someone and didn’t mean it? I don't believe so. Do your parents usually agree with your partners-of-choice? Yeah. I really don't know how Dad feels about me being with a girl currently, but he likes her personally. How many people do you like right now? (even the slightest bit) Legitimately, just one. My "I don't actually know this celeb but I'd 10/10 marry them" thing is just a joke. Do you believe little kids can fall in love? My guess is not until you reach a certain level of maturity where you can grasp the seriousness of "falling in love." But who really knows. What was the last dream that you can remember? On the morning I'm answering this one, I swear I had like ten or something last night. As time goes on though, they're starting to blur together. The one that stands out most tho is my sis and I became the first Americans (yes, that was a detail) to fully infiltrate a Russian, secret government base without being killed. Look idk either. Have you ever been rickrolled? Maybe? Do you like balogna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Are you supersticious? No. What animals have you ridden? Horses and ponies off the top of my head. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done to someone you don’t know in public? I don't think I've done anything notable for this. Do you ever stick gum under seats? No, and my opinion of you greatly plummets if you do. Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? I don't think those exist anymore. Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? When Dustin pretty much lived in the apartment with us... jc. Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? Talk to animals. Does your kitchen have a pantry? No. Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? N/A Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? I don't shave them anymore unless I fear there's even a tiny chance someone might see them... Thanks, society. Are you high-maintenance? Definitely not. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? Being any kind of parent is off the list for me. What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? Idk, I'm a crybaby. Most sad songs don't, I guess. Are you a very detail-oriented person? Or are you better at seeing the big picture? Definitely the former. Do you have any upcoming plans with friends? lol What kinds of leisure activities did your family do together when you were growing up? Watch TV or sometimes play board games, probs. Occasionally all go in the pool together. Dragons or unicorns? I'm all 'bout dragons, man. Do you wish vampires existed? Um no. Do you sing in front of people you don’t know very well? How about dance? Nope. Have you ever sang/spoke/preformed in front of people on a stage? Sang in church choir and elementary chorus, read my D.A.R.E. report, and was in groups at dance recitals and competitions. Is it more fun or scary to do so? If you haven’t, then what would you think? Eh, it depends on your level of confidence in what you're performing. Like with dance, I was never that nervous as I knew what I was doing. Singing wasn't bad either because I was with others. Now reading aloud, alone, fuck that. I think anything alone would be scary. Would you rather slit your wrists than read Cosmo? I normally delete just plain stupid questions, but I'm leaving this here to hope and pray the author of this question sees me sincerely  and genuinely say fuck you, you goddamn fly-swarmed shitpile with a maturity level surpassed by an infant's. Did you ever like barbies? Do you currently like barbies? They weren't really my thing, but I'd play with them if my sisters or friends wanted me to. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what the hit songs are right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Out of the traditional four, fire. Have you ever been to a wild party? No. Have you gone through any drastic life-changing experiences? If so, what was the most drastic? Depression and anxiety manifesting was absolutely life-changing, and then when you consider it resulted in PTSD, obviously the break-up was incredibly serious, but it also led towards my gradual recovery. What traits from your father would you like to pass down to your children? Don't want kids, but I'll answer as if I did. If that were the case, I like how he's not one for grudges, is very openly himself, and is super goofy. What is your biggest fault? It probably all boils down to my anxiety and trust issues resulting in me jumping to conclusions. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Probably a snow leopard. Climate I love, super pretty, and I know I'd wanna be a feline anyway. What are the first three things you do when you wake up? Check the time, go to the bathroom, then it varies. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? Ha, sure do, both through text and Skype... I'm sure she remembers the basics at least, too. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yeah. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? Maybe? Does your significant other/crush know about your Tumblr? Does he/she look at it? Yeah, and we follow each other, so. Do you ever feel a desire for sex at inappropriate times? Define "inappropriate?" What was the last thing that one of your parents bought for you? Fast food. Think about your first boyfriend/girlfriend. Did that person make you happy? What went wrong in the relationship? Sure, but just as friends. If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want more colorful hair. Is there a TV show or movie in which you’re incredibly emotionally attached to the characters? I don't think so "incredibly" since Meerkat Manor. Would you rather arrive super early or super late to class? Early. What’s something really basic that worries or troubles you on a consistent basis? It's a wonder I'm blanking here considering I know there's a load of things. What do you use the internet for the most? YouTube. On a scale of one to ten, how good is your memory? A goddamn one. It's been exceptionally awful lately. Do you worry about money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH. Do you have any health problems that are unusual for your age? Well, the memory thing, though it's probably just a side effect of my meds or actual ADD. My knees are atrocious, though, and after many, many tests, we still can't figure out what's wrong with them. What’s the longest nap you’ve ever taken? When does it no longer qualify as a nap?  Maybe like... four hours at max? Are you more likely to expect the best or the worst of a situation? The worst. Always. Have you ever said or done something in public that resulted in a stranger’s response? Possibly. How many serious relationships have you been in? Two. Do you think you have a vivid imagination? Very, personally. What was the last song you listened to? "Sick Like Me" by In This Moment. How many hours a day do you spend on Facebook, if any? Not even one. Do you own your favorite film on DVD? Maybe? Idk if we replaced the VHS. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? On one occasion I basically screeched my lungs out on the porch. What’s your opinion on Nicki Minaj? I guess as a rapper she's good, she's indisputably quick as fuck, but I'm not a fan personally. Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? Oh fuck yes. Have you ever been on a boat? Yeah, when Dad would take me fishing and also on a 5th grade field trip to a horse-inhabited island near one of the lighthouses. We couldn't go to the lighthouse because the water was too rough. Have you ever been hopelessly in love with a celebrity? You can't be "in love" with someone you've never met and don't know personally. Generally speaking, do you like acoustic or original versions of songs better? Hm... tied, I think. What was the last band shirt you wore? Otep. Do you follow any celebrities on Twitter? I use Twitter only for Mark. That is all. What was the last flavor of pudding or yogurt you ate? Chocolate. What was the last thing you bought online, and how about in an actual store? With my own money, online it was Sara's ring I believe, and in a store was a snack. When was the last time you met someone who seemed very unpleasant? Hm. I honestly don't go out and meet people enough to answer this. Does anyone have a romantic interest in you, that you don’t return? Possibly, but it doesn't matter. Have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in? Yeah. What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Did you like it? Oh my fucking god, some kind of "fancy" vodka in a margarita. It was disgusting. Are your eyes the same color as your siblings’ eyes? Only my brother. What food(s) have you eaten a lot of recently? Nutrition/meal replacement shakes. Do you use the microwave a lot when it comes to cooking food? Yeah, 'cuz I can't cook. Are you currently trying to get over someone? No. Do you know anyone who’s been on TV? If so, which show? Not to my knowledge. Do you have any lockets with pictures inside? No. Have you ever liked a football player? No. What was the last thing you learned? Some snacks rats can eat. Do you like Chinese food, Mexican food, or American food better? American. I'm very picky with all foreign food, actually. What’s your favorite scent? Freshly-baked bread, coffee, honeydew, lilacs... If you could house any pet, what would it be? Out of all pet options, uh... I suppose a horse or Saint Bernard if I had the means to properly care for them, too. Do you pluck your eyebrows? No. Do you like to swing? YEAH. How about jumping on a trampoline? I would if my knees weren't shit. If you could have any car, what kind would it be? Idk. I'm not educated on cars enough. What’s your favorite fast-food restaurant? I'm a slut for Wendy's. How often do you like to have sex? I'm not in a position where that's ever a thing yet. It wasn't something I thought about with Jason either, but we were pretty regular with sexual affection so we never went very long without, anyway. What’s your definition of weird? I don't care to define it, honestly. "Weird" can be good, bad, neutral... It's too vast a term and super subjective. Do you use shaving cream? That or lotion when I shave my legs. Have you ever personally known any girl who shaved their head? Well, she's an online friend, but I'd count her. Have you ever coughed up blood? I don't believe so. Who was the last person you hugged? My niece or nephew. What’s some of the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Mental: heartbreak and abandonment (both without any obvious prologue), rejection from who I cared about most, as well as deep hopelessness. Physical: having a cyst drained, an internal hemorrhoid, fracturing my wrist, having my tongue piercing redone and more accurately, a severe case of constipation I had as a little kid, an ear infection that made me want to chop it off and all out, a concussion, menstrual cramps before I was put on the pill... What kind of mouse pad do you have? I use a trackpad. What color is your mouse? ^ What’s your favorite dessert food? Ice cream, donuts, or red velvet cake omlllll. What is the closest thing to you right now that is alive? My dog Teddy. Are you an outcast? By the actual definition, no, though I feel it occasionally. Do you exercise? Ugh, no. I'm working on building back up my motivation to do Wii Fit again. What’s your favorite carnival food? (cotton candy, corn dogs, funnel cake) I haven't been to enough and gotten food to know many at all. Are you a very open-minded person? I think I am, and I feel that improves further like, daily. Are you modest? Probably sounds immodest to say, but I know I am. What kind of guys/girls do you usually fall for? Above all else, my consistent weakness seems to be the "weirdos." The ones that really stand out in their uniqueness. Do you skate? No. I mean, I'm capable of rollerblading, but it's not something I do every weekend or something. If you were to make it big with your own band what would it’s name be? Hell if I know. HAHA WAIT. My old username in some places, BulletsxButterflies, was based off my Rock Band band "Bullets And Butterflies" and like can you say #myaesthetic so that'd be pretty cool I suppose. ... Although it was inspired by the song "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" and I don't wanna get sued so like- What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Just normal spaghetti with sauce and meatballs. Would you rather a friend come over to your house or you go over there? I GO OVER THERE. I am a SHIT host and there's nothing to do here anyway. What’s the perfect first date? Go to a sit-down restaurant (doesn't need to be expensive at all), just the two of you, and *talk*. Don't touch your phone, just talk and listen with honest interest in your partner. I think this is especially important if you started dating shortly after meeting, as now that you're together, you really need to get to know each other. If you were good friends prior, you should already be pretty familiar with the other, and then I think things are a bit more flexible. Have you ever had rabies? No. Do you know anyone who ever had to get a rabies shot? *shrugs* Ever eaten deer? Duck? Squirrel? How about lamb? No. Have you ever received a note in your locker? I believe I did in middle school from Aaron? What was the last birthday present you bought for someone? A personalized chameleon mug for my darling. Did you get grounded often as a child? No more than usual, I guess? If you have a car, how much does it take to fill up your gas tank? N/A What’s your favorite album from your favorite music artist? Ozzy's "Black Rain." Every song is absolutely amazing, replayed more times than I ever wanna count, and it was my introduction to metal. Was the last person you held hands with a significant other? No, Aubree took my hand as well as she could to take me to her brother's room. Do you remember the brand of your first cell phone? Uhhhh... Blueberry, maybe? What is your Facebook cover picture? A pink pastel background-type thing. Last video game you played? Shadow of the Colossus. I beat it all over again to start my Time Attack grind, but I'm thinking of waiting til I get the PS4 remake one day to do so. When did you last try a new restaurant? Back when I was up at Sara's again. Does “out of sight, out of mind” work for you? Usually no. Do you have any friends whose birthday is this month? MY BABY If you have a favorite actor/actress, which of their movies is your favorite? For Betty White, idk. Depp, Alice in Wonderland. Are you currently expecting anything to arrive in the mail? No. What is your favorite kind of salad? Just bring me a ship full of Olive Garden's salad and I'll be g. Do you own a tablet of any kind? No. How many minutes is the longest song in your music library? I'm not sure, but off the top of my head, probably "Call of Ktulu" by Metallica. What is a brand name you don’t really care for? Any?? Idc. Do you prefer sleeping in complete silence or with background noise? Not complete silence, but quiet, simple background noise. When was the last time you weighed yourself? Today. As I do almost everyday even tho you're not advised to. Oops. Would you convert to a different religion if your fiancé/fiancée was of a different faith? No. The world is ending, and you can save one group of five people: who would be the five people that you save? Just five ah screw you man. Considering both those I hold close to myself but also people I feel would help recover the world for the better, and also assuming you don't include animals: Sara, Mom, Mark Fischbach, my psychiatrist (he's so fucking knowledgeable on medication that the world does not need to lose all that information), and probably Jane Goodall. Well idk, she's up there in age and may not last very long, but. asjfapwuw this is a hard question, I'm trying to consider who I love personally but also who would be capable of properly rebuilding humanity, or at least give us last six (if I'm alive, too?) a happy end to our lives. What is one thing that you are proud of, that you think lacks praise/lacks appreciation from the people around you? It could be a simple thing; it could be a secret thing. Ummmm... idk. What is the funniest one-liner Tumblr text post you’ve ever read? THERE'S SO MANY What is the absolute hardest thing about staying alive? Staying in a mentally sound place. If you're not okay in your own head, that makes living so, so very hard, and too many people get there. What is a book that has been recognized as ‘great literature’ that you dislike? Why? *shrugs* I enjoyed those I recall reading. Except one I don't remember the name of. Do you believe in the supernatural? Absolutely, 110%. What was the last thing you cried about? Probably my current groundhog day cycle. Are you mad at yourself about anything? Always, sure, but in like, the back of my mind. It doesn't dominate my thoughts. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Eggs. What pharmacy do you use? Harris Teeter's. Are you proud of yourself or disappointed in yourself? Both. What do you consider the perfect temperature for winter? ~50 is my preferred temperature always. What does your umbrella look like? I think ours is black? What is something you wanted as a kid but never got? One of those little crane machines with stuffed animals in it. I had one for candy, I think... but apparently that wasn't enough for Young Brittany. What is something you were scared of as a kid? Porcelain dolls. Still make me uncomfortable. Do you like your current driver’s license picture? My permit one is HIDEOUS. What is your favorite Elvis song? "Devil In Disguise." Do you think you could be the next American Idol? Hell no. Do you prefer reading fiction or non-fiction? Fiction, easily. Do you prefer fruity candy canes or peppermint-flavored? I like both, but the former is my fave. Do you eat too much candy? No. If you ever took dance classes, what were your favorite classes? Jazz. Have you ever been bullied because of the things you like? I don't think so? Have you bullied others because they like things you do not? No. Were there any classes you enjoyed because of the teacher? Not "enjoyed," but made them better. Have you ever been a bad friend? I'm sure I have. Has a friend ever replaced you with somebody else? Yup. At least it really feels like it. Have you ever disliked something just because it was popular? Admittedly, I think there were some things when I was newly a teen and developing that "I'm not like others" mentality. Have you ever watched a movie just because it starred an actor you liked? Maybe? What about just because it starred an actor you thought was good-looking? ... I'm deadass tempted to see Aquaman because of this lmfao but I'm not going to. Are there actors/musicians you have met? No. Do you ever judge people based on the music they listen to? Nah. What would you say are your top five bands/artists? Gaaah... I'll try here. Ozzy, Metallica, Otep, Manson, and Korn, maybe? Has anyone ever told you that you were really pretty? Yeah. Do you listen to a wide variety of music? No. Most are some kind of metal and rock, but I do have some really random artists/bands I like, such as Melanie Martinez or Marina and the Diamonds. Did you ever go through a phase when you didn’t want to take medicine? No. Was the last book you read good? Yeah. Do you make grocery lists? I don't do the shopping, so no. Do you have stomach problems? It can be finicky every now and again, especially with "fancy" food. Do you enjoy editing photos? Yes! Peace signs or hearts? Hmmm, idk. I guess it depends on the style. What kind of pie is your favorite? None. Do you have a strong relationship with your parents? I feel very, very few parent-child relationships exist stronger than my mom's and mine. Dad and I are good, too. Do you know your best friend’s middle name? Yeah. Have you ever kissed someone that was high? No. Is your Facebook profile private? Yeah. How many true friends do you have? Like four? Who has your Facebook password? Me and Mom. Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? Pretty much never. Do you believe in aliens? I'm neutral. Do you like pineapple? Yessss. Is there anyone you dislike, that you have to see/speak to regularly? No. Are you living with anyone that isn’t related to you? No, if you don't include pets. How many people would you say you’ve been “in love” with? Two. Which one of your relatives are you most likely to argue/disagree with? MY GRANDMA. How much do you monthly pay for mortgage or rent? If you don’t, how much is your cell-phone bill? N/A What is your favorite grocery store to shop at, and how often do you shop for groceries? Sam's Club got them deals. But I don't do the grocery shopping. How many hours do you work a week? If you don’t work, do you plan on finding a job? If so, when? I'm getting help from vocational rehab now to find a job perfectly appropriate for me. Where did you have your first kiss? What about your last kiss? His bed; airport. When is the next time you will be going out of town? 18th for my therapy appointment. Hour away. What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? Phone bill. Where did you spend Christmas or any other winter holiday? My sister's house. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? Myself. Do you like shopping alone? I wouldn't know. Do you have any scratches on your cell phone? A small one. When was the last time you blushed? Idk. Who is one person you met and automatically didn’t like? Most of my sister's exes. Almost all, really. Do you have any video game systems in your room? Which one(s)? Well, the DS is in here. Have you ever done another person’s make-up? Jason's as just a joke. What is one thing you don’t like sharing? My drawings or writings if you're in my "real" life. Online is like... mostly np, but otherwise, don't fucking look. If I share a drink with you too, that means a loooot. Where on your body would you NEVER get a piercing? You know... ~the spot~ Which Adam Sandler movie do you like the most? Idk. Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? Yes. Would you be considered more of a teacher’s pet or a class clown? I was inadvertently the teacher’s pet like... always. Do you have any family members who are mean to you for no reason? No. Do you have to do any yard work? No. Do you have a nativity scene in your home? Mom will put it up eventually. If you’re a girl, what color is your favorite bra? Navy. Would you rather make a snow angel or snowman? Snowman. What is the best antique shop in your town? *shrugs* Does creating make you happy? YES YES YES YES!!!! Do you have abusive family members? No. What US city would you most like to visit? Idk. What country in the world would you most like to visit? Japan, probably. Or Scotland. Do you have your wedding all planned out in your head? No. Do you sell things online a lot? No. Is there anyone you secretly miss? No. What color are your Christmas lights? On our tree that isn't up yet? Rainbow. Owls or penguins? Owls.

[jungblue]

Lol I’m actually scared to have sex or even do any penetrative masturbation. Which is okay. Actual sex is not something that’s gonna happen for a long time. I’m 20 and haven’t had a first kiss too 😂😂 I’m also scared to get drunk.

that’s okay. sex can seem scary. you being completely bare in front of someone when you’ve never done that is understandably nerve wracking. just take everything at your own pace and do what you’re comfortable with. as for the penetrative masturbation that’s totally your decision. i would say that there’s nothing to be scared of, but if it’s not something that you want to do then that’s perfectly fine! and eh getting drunk isn’t for everyone. it’s very easy to lose a handle on yourself if your overdo it. so it’s not something you need to do if you don’t want to!

Anonymous said: I just want to say you are a HUGE help from all this sex talk you are giving and that helps a lot coming from a virgin who doesn’t know a lot about sex but I would like to ask if it’s true for your first time that you would probably bleed and hurts a lot? or there just exaggerating from saying that so you wouldn’t lose your virginity at a young age?

i’m glad it can be a bit helpful! but as for your question, no it’s not supposed to be like that. if you’re properly aroused and there’s foreplay involved beforehand it shouldn’t be this life-ending pain that movies and stuff like to describe it as. it might be uncomfortable certainly bc most won’t be used to the stretch that’s going to happen, it’s nothing awful. as for the blood, i won’t say that there won’t be bleeding. personally i’ve had one incident where i bled during sex (and this was years into me being sexually active). the thing was i wasn’t hurting at all. like it felt good and i didn’t even notice until the guy said something. i was freaked out obviously bc it wasn’t my period, so i went to the doctor and they said that everything was fine. it was just being stretched a bit further than i’d usually been that did it. so you might experience bleeding. but the pain is definitely something that shouldn’t be fought through just bc you think that it’s how it’s supposed to feel bc it isn’t 

Anonymous said: This is kind of a funny sex story that I actually oddly feel comfortable telling you. Well, I had sex with my boyfriend and was very tired afterwards and really just didnt want to do anything okay? And I look up at him and tell him I have to pee and he laughs and we start talking about something until he remembers what I told him and I completely forgot until he literally pushed me out of the bed and said "go pee you beautiful human you!" 😂😂 -mognut anon

aww that’s really cute though! uh i hate the fact that you have to pee after sex. like the human anatomy is really fucking up my cuddle time lol

Anonymous said: ive had girls come up to me and tell me they had a lot of sex with a guy but didnt cum and i ask them if they masturbate and they dont? I feel its important to let girls kno exploring their bodies and knowing what they like helps them communicate the things they like during sex with their partners. I used to also believe that penises would magically make me cum but you really have to let the other person know what you like for them to hit that good!

yeah i think that letting yourself relax is a big part of being able to orgasm regardless of if you’re doing it yourself or actually having sex. which masturbating is the perfect practice for this bc you’re alone and there’s no pressure. you can learn so much about your body by masturbating concerning what you enjoy, to which you can then convey to your partner. i do think that it would be difficult to achieve an orgasm during sex in front of another person when you haven’t learned to relax and let it happen while you’re alone. not impossible of course, but it would certainly be easier if you already knew what you enjoyed beforehand

Anonymous said: i honestly have no idea why im even saying this but i have like,, a super high sexual drive and am constantly masturbating (ik tmi) and i read a whole lot of smut,, but when ive been given the chance to actually have sex, which has happened a couple of times,, i kinda, shut down?? idk if that makes any sense. i basically stop everything and tell them that i can't have sex with them and that kinda scares me,, like, am i broken or smth?

oh no please don’t think that about yourself! i promise that’s actually very normal. porn, smut, ect are all very contained. you experience that in your own privacy, which is completely different than opening yourself up to a person during sex. i promise that what you’re experiencing is completely fine. you don’t have to force yourself to be intimate with someone just bc you feel as though that’s what you should do. take your time and wait until you’re comfortable with the idea!

Anonymous said: omg i read through all the “sex” questions and omg i feel so much better about myself. i had a question though, i tried to finger myself once but it didn’t do anything it literally just felt like a tampon or a diva cup. what do i do? bc i’ve never been able to finish other than with like clit simulation

well most girls don’t get off from penetration alone actually, so the fact that you’ve only ever been able to get off from clitoral stimulation is completely normal and actually more common. it’s perfectly plausible that you just don’t enjoy self-penetration. but as a tip i used to also be this way until i started stimulating my gspot and that was how i eventually started reaching orgasms via penetration. you just have to rub against the front of your vaginal wall against the spot that a lot of people describe as uneven or ridgy. just make sure you’re decently aroused beforehand and experiment with different motions until it’s you find one that works for you!

Anonymous said: Honestly can u explain to me what squirting really is ?? Like i read it and i kinda know it but also abit lost about it !! Help

i mean i personally have never squirted, so the only info i have is also just from what you read online and stuff. and from those sources it’s usually just described as a combo of female ejaculate (it comes from some gland or something but i can’t remember) and urine. it’s usually happens when you stimulate the gspot

Anonymous said: hey! you’re so sweet to answer all these questions! i wanted to ask how exactly to shave down there. bc it like grows everywhere and i’m so scared to go anywhere with my razor lol 

Anonymous said: I've tried every trick for shaving, but I get so many ingrown hairs. Like my hair, even just on my legs, doesn't seem to be meant to be shaved. I like the shaved feeling but it's almost not worth the tons of ingrown hairs. The only way I can avoid them is using an electric razor, but of course that doesnt do a completely clean, smooth shave.

shaving can be tricky bc sometimes it seems you can follow all the steps that anyone tells you and the razor burn still happens. there are tons of youtube videos on this actually if you want to go look those up. but as a general run though lots of them will tell you to get a good razor (one with lots of blades. the more blades the smoother the shave and the less it catches the skin), shave in the direction of the hair follicle. also this is just from personal experience, but after you shave you might itch really badly down there. i know it’s tempting but don’t do it. you’re gonna be covered in razor bumps right after if you itch it. so just try to fight through that lol

Anonymous said: Honestly I think I started getting sexual urges pretty late bc I didn't start getting turned on until I was 17 and even then it was super hard, but I just figured out what worked for me. I'm a virgin now and only one person from my group of friends isn't and they're not pressuring me or anything but I just feel kind of left out you know? It just feels like a right of passage that everyone (and that one person) is experiencing except me. I'm going to Uni in 2019 and I'm kinda worried about it lol

i understand that there’s definitely a pressure to experience sex, especially when everyone around you is, but i promise it isn’t something that you should feel the need to rush into. everyone is different and goes at their own pace. sex changes nothing about who you are as a person. just do what makes you comfortable!

[surveysonfleek]

321.

you ever played “call of duty”? did you like it? are you into those types of video games at all?   i think i have once. not my sorta game.

do you like to cook for people, or do you order to be cooked for? has anyone ever told you that you were a good cook? i like to cook but hardly have any time. so i just cook whatever’s at home or go out to eat.

do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? do those types of clocks annoy you?   no they’d annoy the hell out of me.

what is your usual hair style? do you tend to wear the same style every day, or do you switch it up a lot?   i usually wear my hair down either curly or straight.

have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor?   tbh i’ve had different doctors throughout my life but i’ve stuck to the same practice for years now. hmm i only go to the doctors if something feel wrong and most of the time i’m right.

are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into hot topic)? are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to?   no i don’t care at all. if i need to buy something in a certain store i’ll go in there however i’m dressed.

do you look in mirrors a lot, or do you try to avoid them? how many mirrors are in your house?   i don’t seek to look at mirrors but if one is around i’ll just check my face, teeth etc.

what do you think is the greatest invention of all time? why? are there any inventions you wish had never been made?   nearly everything in modern society. cars, planes, light, electricity, phones, the internet etc.

are you proud of yourself? do you feel that you’ve accomplished (or will accomplish) the things you want in your life? what other person are you the most proud of and why?   i’m not that proud of myself but i have to remind myself i’ve made quite a few achievements. i just know i can do better.

did you ever have a terrible roommate? what did they do that bothered you so much? no, i still live at home. when i move out it’ll be with my husband to be surely.

if someone has a problem with something you’ve done, do you prefer they confront you directly? why or why not? when you’re the one who needs to tell someone about a problem, what’s your method of doing so? yes i prefer they come to me directly. i would do the same too. it doesn’t have to be confrontational, we’re all adults so working things out in a professional manner is all that needs to be done.

do you like the color gray?   yes.

is it possible to love someone if you don’t love yourself? yes.

do you believe happiness can exist without sadness? not really.

what hospital in your area would you most recommend for good treatment?   the one closest to me? idk.

who is the best person you’ve ever “met” online? my boyfriend. technically i first made contact with him online even though most of my friends went to his school.

who is the most versatile actor ever?   idk, not much of a movie buff. 

do you ever nap and wake up and forget what day it is?   hell yeah.

what was your maternal grandmother’s first name? angelina.

what was the last video message you received on your phone?   probably a snap?

would you kiss someone you didn’t have feelings for? if i were single.

what would your dream engagement ring look like? no idea. i haven’t looked properly.

is someone hurting you mentally at the moment? nah.

do you feel like no one understands you?   sometimes.

have you ever attempted to drown yourself? nope.

would you rather deal with all your emotions at once, or none at all?   all at once but i need to be alone in my own space.

what’s the best sex scene in a movie you’ve ever seen?   no idea.

is pornography evil or are you neutral about it? i’m neutral. it’s not something i watch. i just don’t like how it creates an unrealistic expectation of sex.

do you prefer to be monogamous, or are you more a casual dater or swinger? monogamous.

does your pet wear a collar? yeah.

what is your favorite song in “the sound of music”?   16 going on 17. is that what it’s called?

what would you do if your mom/dad saw a hickey on you? idk if they’d say anything.

you’ve just had an argument with the guy you like, and you walk away. do you want them to leave you alone?   it depends what the argument is about. if i say ‘leave me alone’, it’s for real though.

have you ever read any self-help books?   nah.

do you thank the bus driver? yes.

have you ever had your heart broken?   no.

when was the last time you flirted? haha idk how to flirt anymore. but probably my boyfriend.

are good-byes easy or hard for you? depends how long until i’ll see them.

whatcha listening to? nothing.

what do you feel about our president? my country is run by a prime minister.

do you remember the song, blue (da ba dee) by eiffel 65? yep.

if you told someone how far have you have gone with the opposite sex, how would others view you? normal, i guess?

do you have a secret that you’ve never told ANYONE? yeah probably. nothing that’s actually a secret but there’s things about me no one knows. like how i fill out surveys here, for example.

would you care if your last ex fell in love with someone else? no.

what’s something you really want right now, be honest?   sleep.

were your parents married when they had you? yes.

are they married now? technically yes but they’re separated.

would you marry someone 30 years older than you if they had millions? nah. it’s too much of a hassle to be a gold digger.

how long were employed at your last job? my last job about 4 years.

if you found out you were pregnant who would you tell first? my boyfriend.

what did you do when you hung out with the last person you kissed?   had dinner, went out, went back to my place, hooked up.

do you prefer online classes or real classes?   real. i’d have no motivation to do online courses.

do you like documentaries? have you ever watched one and find it boring? i like them, i’m just picky on which ones to watch.

if you had to choose, would you rather be an alcoholic or pothead?   er... neither tbh. 

do you hate your ex?   no.

do you like kids?   not all kids. but yeah, sure.

are your eyes the same color as your mom’s or dad’s? yes.

do you think too much or too little?   too much.

does anyone know your facebook password? other than me, nah.

have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on?   yes.

…what about their pants? yes.

did you ever rip off a barbie doll head? no.

how many people have you slept with (sexually not actually sleeping)?   one.

do you have any sort of ongoing health problem? probably.

are you a teenager and yet want a baby?   i’m not a teen.

would you date a guy with a prince albert?   hahaha it’s not something i’d judge a guy on.

do you think you are a hick?   no.

have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? as a joke.

have you ever swallowed a watermelon seed?   most probably.

what would be worse - going out in public with no bra or no panties? for me, no panties.

would you ever let your child drop out of high school?   it depends on the reason. if they had a solid plan for their future and it’s the reason why they’re dropping out then i don’t mind.

honestly, do you think that inner beauty is as important as outer beauty? yes.

do you pronounce “aunt” like “awnt” or “ant”? awnt i think.

have you ever seen wayne’s world?   yeah but ages ago.

what was your favorite video game as a child? the sims.

list five things you’re currently thinking about:   how late it is, what i’m doing tomorrow, wtf i’m doing with my life, i need sleep, idk.

is the last person you kissed a virgin? no.

have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?   no.

what was the last video you added to your favorites on youtube? i forgot.

do you have any morbid interests? nah.

eat breakfast or skip it? i love breakfast but i always wake up too late to eat it.

favorite disney channel show? i never watched disney channel growing up.

do you believe in jesus?  well yeah, hasn’t it been proven he actually existed?

would you ever get a tattoo in a “naughty” place?   no.

are your ears gauged? no.

is there a band you like that many others dislike? which? idk. most likely idc.

do you play pokemon go?   i did when it came out last year.

are you a bad influence?   nah.

be honest. have you had any dirty thoughts today? yes.

honestly, have you ever danced naked?   no.

is smoking pot a turn off?   nah. 

have you ever scared yourself?   prob.

on facebook, do you have people listed as your siblings who aren’t really your siblings?   i think one of my friends are still listed as a sibling lol.

is it ever okay for a woman to ask out a man?   duh.

how important is it for a significant other to be good with kids? pretty important, especially if there’s potential to have kids together in the future.

when did your last relationship end? i’m still in it.

did your father go to college? yes.

do you plan on going to college?   i’ve already finished.

ever seen a burning building in person? no, just cars.

do you like gore? no.

do you own any choker/collar necklaces?   yes.

did you have a “scene” phase?   yeah but i never went all out. i’d just tease my hair during my own time and take stupid photos for myspace. never went out like that in public though.

how often do you shave your legs, if at all? why do/don’t you?   during winter hardly ever since you can’t see my leg hairs anyway. in summer maybe once a week, my leg hairs grow slowly.

are you dressing up for halloween this year?   idk yet.

were you ever obsessed with the jonas brothers? just during their camp rock phase.

do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? yes.

do you pay for your own things?   yes.

have you ever gotten in trouble on the internet?   once our internet provider sent us an email telling us to cease downloading torrents lmao. i forgot what movie it was for damn.

honestly, have you ever had lice? i don’t think so...

do you think it’s possible to be in a long relationship without having sex?   of course it’s possible.

where did you last bleed from and why?   a pimple lol.

has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? yes.

what do you like most about making out? what it eventually leads up to.

have you ever had a guy put his hand in your shirt? yes.

what is the last thing you stapled? 

 paper.

who was your first prom date?

   i didn’t have one. we weren’t allowed to bring people from other schools so i just went with my friends.

have you ever been slapped in the face?

   no.

have you ever touched a snake?

 yes.

are you lonely? no.

do you like condoms? personally no.

are you good at editing pictures? 

 i’m not good but i know how to do it.

are you any good at public speaking? 
   not good, not bad.

would you have kids with the last person you kissed? someday.

have you ever thought of making love in a dressing room? no, i think dressing rooms are dirty. some of them smell like feet.

do you know anyone who tries to steal everyone’s boyfriend?   no.

do you appreciate raunchy humor? sometimes.

have you ever looked up porn on the internet? yeah.

did you ever try cutting yourself? no.

do you like to tell people who you like? sure.

ever been institutionalized?   no.

ever hold a newborn animal? nope. well puppies but they were already a month old.

[tactical-sunglasses-blog]

Honestly I just wanted to do this

1: Name: Ivy

2: Age: 18

3: 3 Fears: The dark, abandonment, spiders

4: 3 things I love: Music, memes, Uncharted

5: 4 turn ons: Uhh I don’t really know, I guess (in a sense of imitating character voices or something) roleplaying, scratching, light hair pulling, dirty talk???? Idk man

6: 4 turn offs: Ego the size of Betelgeuse (the star), pushy attitudes, jealousy, too clingy

7: My best friend: The Internet

8: Sexual orientation: I don’t rightly know what to consider myself, can I put down “Undetermined”?

9: My best first date: I’ve never really been on a proper date

10: How tall am I: 5′ 10″ 

11: What do I miss: My cat

12: What time was I born: 4:02 pm

13: Favorite color: Black

14: Do I have a crush: Yeah kinda but we’ve only exchanged the phrases “I brought reusable bags” and “Have a nice day” rip

15: Favorite quote: “I won’t be able to enjoy a single one of these coins knowing you and your worthless brother are still sucking air”

16: Favorite place: Anywhere with food

17: Favorite food: Really any kind of red meat or potato

18: Do I use sarcasm: How do I properly answer this

19: What am I listening to right now: The Sound of Silence (there’s nothing on)

20: First thing I notice in new person: Their aura, like what kind of vibe they give off

21: Shoe size: Women’s 11, men’s 9

22: Eye color: Blue

23: Hair color: Brown, dyed blue/mint green undertone

24: Favorite style of clothing: Is black a style

25: Ever done a prank call?: Yeah but I forgot to *67 so it didn’t work lmao

27: Meaning behind my URL: Rafe is daddy af

28: Favorite movie: Idk man I guess Labyrinth

29: Favorite song: Midnight in Transylvania (Indoor Percussion show)

30: Favorite band: Rammstein or SOAD

31: How I feel right now: I’m pretty bored

32: Someone I love: Platonically or what? Platonically I’d go with like David Tennant cuz he’s my dude but like if it were like a legit love interest I’d have to say ya boi @marshythevamp

33: My current relationship status: Single :/

34: My relationship with my parents: Love my mom, dad is reaaaaaaally iffy

35: Favorite holiday: Halloween

36: Tattoos and piercing i have: None

37: Tattoos and piercing i want: Tattoo of something Uncharted related on my arm or something, like a quote

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I’m trash and I wanted easier access to fanfic

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: yES

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts? Yeeeeees <3

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: No

42: When did I last hold hands?: I don’t even remember

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: Like 10 minutes

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: I think so?

45: Where am I right now?: My room

46: If I were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: Why would I be drunk tho

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: Depends

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? Just mom

49: Am I excited for anything?: Yeah boi boutta send a birthday present to my best friend that isn’t the Internet

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: Yeah man

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: Yeah, at work

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: Yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: I wouldn’t really care much, but I’d warn the poor girl

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: I don’t think so

55: What is something I disliked about today?: I worked out for the first time in like ever

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: Nolan North

57: What do I think about most?: Food probably oops

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can bend just my fingertips and clover my tongue

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: Public restrooms ????? And black toilets honestly those things are scary, they look like a void

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: I like both

61: What was the last lie I told?: “Oh yeah working out was fun”

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Neither really

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: Ghosts, yes. Aliens, no.

64: Do I believe in magic?: What kind of magic? Tricks or like legit stuff--

65: Do I believe in luck?: In a sense

66: What's the weather like right now?: Gloomy, it just rained

67: What was the last book I've read?: Where The Wild Things Are

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: Not really

69: Do I have any nicknames?: Adler, Fern

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?: I broke my foot in sophomore year, broke my elbow in kindergarten. Not sure which was worse.

71: Do I spend money or save it?: A bit of both

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: Ew no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: This one Jesus candle I bought as a gag

74: Favorite animal?: Shark

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: Eating a quesadilla

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: Morningstar, duh.

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: Catgroove

78: How can you win my heart?: Be nice and respect who I am, it doesn’t really take a whole lot.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: “This user is Stefan Karl’s meme friend”

80: What is my favorite word?: Hinky

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: Comeonrafe, behold-the-goddamn-silver-fox, galaxycat-1459, unchartedwrites, mine-uc BUT LITERALLY I LOVE EVERYONE

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: “If Sonic is so fast why does Eggman keep catching up to him?”

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: I think so lmao

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?: Wait is this a Simpson’s reference--But I’d choose the ability to bring characters to life (Is that a superpower?)

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: Idk???

86: What is my current desktop picture?: I don’t own a computer man, but my lock screen is Sully

87: Had sex?: Nah

88: Bought condoms?: Nope

89: Gotten pregnant?: Unless I’m the Virgin Mary, no

90: Failed a class?: Yeah oops

91: Kissed a boy?: Ye

92: Kissed a girl?: Ye

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: I don’t rightly remember

94: Had a job?: Yeah

95: Left the house without my wallet?: Guilty

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: Only if they started shit with me

97: Had sex in public?: No ?????? Guys why

98: Played on a sports team?: Marching band counts, right? It better count.

99: Smoked weed?: Once or twice. I didn’t like it much.

100: Did drugs?: Other than Mary’s iguana (lmao) no

101: Smoked cigarettes?: One, didn’t like it. Sam, keep your ciggies.

102: Drank alcohol?: Yee don’t tell the cops

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: Nah

104: Been overweight?: I don’t think so

105: Been underweight?: Yeah :/

106: Been to a wedding?: Yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: Those are rookie numbers

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ROOKIE

109: Been outside my home country?: No :’)

110: Gotten my heart broken?: More than once

111: Been to a professional sports game?: Kinda? I don’t know if you’d call the Reading Phillies “professional”

112: Broken a bone?: Two or three

113: Cut myself?: By accident? Yeah. On purpose? No.

114: Been to prom?: Yeah

115: Been in an airplane: Ye

116: Fly by helicopter?: Nope

117: What concerts have I been to?: Only my own, unless you’d consider Blue Man Group a concert

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: Yes

119: Learned another language?: Yes kinda

120: Wore make up?: Only on occassion

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: No

122: Had oral sex?: No

123: Dyed my hair?: Yeah

124: Voted in a presidential election?: No

125: Rode in an ambulance?: No

126: Had a surgery?: No

127: Met someone famous?: Ye

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: Yes oops

129: Peed outside?: YEAH MAN

130: Been fishing?: Yeah

131: Helped with charity?: Yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?: Mmhm :(

133: Broken a mirror?: No

134: What do I want for birthday?: Meet a voice actor or meme dad himself, Stefan Karl

[princesofchina]

BTS: Reaction to their S/O not shaving down there.

I honestly didn't know how to do this. But I tried, y'all

– Member A

Rap Monster: Omg he'd get so shy so quick... 

"Babe, what's taking so long in there?" Namjoon was growing impatient, he was going to be late to practice because you took a shower first. "Um... giving myself a pep talk?" You said shyly. He was so confused until you mentioned what you were trying to shave. A nervous laugh escaped his lips. "Baby, I don't care what is going on down there but I don't think you should do it if you’re so freaked out.” You smiled at his words. . . Until he barged into the bathroom, accidentally ripping the shower curtain, complaining about how late he would be.

  J-Hope: He would have no problem with this.

"I thought you were gonna wear the dress today?" Hoseok said after seeing you come into the living room in jeans. "I can't wear that. I haven't shaved." You said, with a blush creeping onto your face. And sweet little Hobi omg. "What does shaving have to do with fashion? Don't shave if you’re scared, babe.” Kissing your cheek, he'd tell you he loved you no matter what. 

Suga: No fucks given. 

"Okay. Okay. I can do this," you would mutter to yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror. Wearing nothing but a oversized shirt and underwear, you had a razor in your hand, ready. Well, as ready as you could be. You didn't realize that Yoongi woke up and had quietly padded to the bathroom, watching you with sleepy eyes. "What are you doing?" His voice made you jump. After explaining to him about what you wanted to do, he would walk over to you while shaking his head. Taking the razor from you, he'd lift you onto the counter. "No,” was all he said at first, "if you're too paranoid to think you could hurt yourself, you're probably going to hurt yourself. I don't care what you look like down there." He'd kiss you, and then carry you back to the bedroom to sleep.

V: This cheeky bastard. 

You were so confused by all the razor choices. You honestly didn't know that there were razors just for that one area, and now you had no idea what to do. “Babe, where are you?” You heard Taehyung’s voice ring out. Looking at the end of the isle, you saw your boyfriend coming over to your basket with an armful of snacks. "What are you looking at?” Explaining how you wanted to shave but how you had your doubts caused you to cover your face the second you finished talking. "Love, you look good no matter what. A lot of hair. No hair. Little strips. No matter what, I love you. But if you want help, I think I could give it a whirl," he said, smirking at you.

Jin: The mother in him would come out so fast.

 "Don't let everyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do! I love you no matter what,” Jin calmly said while hugging you from behind. You couldn't help but giggle, you were sitting on the edge of the tub, looking up how to shave without harming yourself. Jin would always be so protective of you. Trying to make you forget the need to shave, he would pull you into the living room to watch a movie and give you compliments the whole time. ((Idk why I was feeling so fluffy towards Jin today, I'm sorry))

Jimin: Instantly turns red. Instantly.

He had left his watch in the bathroom. He snuck in just to grab it while you were in the shower, until he heard a few sniffles from behind the curtain. "Come on now, don't be a baby. You shave your legs all the time. You can do this," he heard your voice crack. He walked to the door and knocked on it as if he had just entered. "Sweetheart, I think I left my watch in here." He could hear you trying to stop your tears. Before you realized what had happened, the curtain was pulled back and you were pulled out of the shower. Jimin hugged you, not even caring that his clothes were getting drenched. "Don't you dare change a thing about yourself, especially if you are crying just thinking about it.” “I'm not crying because I don't want to do it. I'm just scared that I'll cut myself." Jimin turned red. He didn't realize that you didn't want to do it. I don't think either of expected him to grab the razor and say that he would help. And neither of you could tell who was more red in this situation.

Jungkook: Dead. That poor boy. 

He didn't mean to read your phone when he was trying to cuddle up after returning from practice. You had googled how to properly shave for the first time. You tried to close it, but it was too late. He started coughing, and you could basically feel the blush creeping up his face. Sitting up, you told him you weren't actually doing it because you were terrified. The boy couldn't even speak, but his face had confusion drawn on it. "I don't want to hurt myself while trying," you mumbled while turning to get up from the bed. He sat up, trying to build up his confidence. “Don't do anything you think you aren't comfortable. I love you no matter what, okay?" You smiled and pecked his lips, which caused him to laugh.

[fifty-shades-of-succ]

Questions 1-154 please?

Full name - Ebony M

Zodiac sign - Libra

3 Fears - Snakes, the ocean, rejection

3 things I love - ma lads, sport and video games

4 turns ons - beaming smile thats full of emotion and joy, eyes, being respectful and having manners, and being funny as fuck

4 turns offs - lack of hygeine, sexist, dull as a doorknob, racist

My best friend - I cant choose the closest out of them but Cal or Luke

Sexual orientation - its an utter mystery

My best first date - Cruise ship in hawaii with just Ally and Erich

How tall am I - 165cm

What do I miss
 - Year 10

What time were I born
 - 22:22

Favourite colour - Black purple and orange

Do I have a crush
 - YA

Favourite quote
 - The mask you wear serves its purpose well, but be careful not to lose yourself in it.

Favourite place
 - My house when I’m home alone. Or anywhere where my best friends are

Favourite food
 - Pasta

Do I use sarcasm
 - Yeah I do just not as much as I used to

What am I listening to right now
 - .....Lazy town ‘We are number one’ Dank version

First thing I notice in new person
 - Smile and eyes

Shoe size
 - Anywhere from a 6-8

Eye colour
 - Grey

Hair colour
 - Rn its a lil purple/red, but naturally its brown

Favourite style of clothing
 - uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk

Ever done a prank call?
 - Yeah, I think so

What colour of underwear I’m wearing now?
 BLACK

Meaning behind my URL
 - who fuckin knows

Favourite movie
 - Kingsman, or the breakfast club

Favourite song
 - Heartbeat, or Electric Love

Favourite band
 - I dont reeeaally have one but maybe Bastille?

How I feel right now
 - Great

Someone I love
 - my friends

My relationship with my parents
 - SHITTY AS ALL FUCk

Favourite holiday
 - Hawaii

Tattoos and piercings?
 - None, except a piercing in each ear lobe

Tattoos and piercing i want
 - None

The reason I joined Tumblr
 - Everyone said to

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
 Yea!!

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
 Nope

When did I last hold hands?
 Uh....cant remember

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
 Hmm..an hour and a bit usually, maybe an hour and a half

Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?
 I dont shave, I wax

Where am I right now?
 In bed

If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?
 Cal and Kenzie probably, they did a good job of it at the deb after party hahahaha

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
 Depends

Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
 Through the week, my father, but on the weekend both

Am I excited for anything?
 Running seshs with friends, a party with the meme friends and then a outing I have with my best friend

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
 Yea

How often do I wear a fake smile?
 Always when Im around people I dont trust :)

When was the last time I hugged someone?
 Today

What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?
 Never kissed really

Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?
 Yeah definitely.

What is something I disliked about today?
 One small thing went bad and everything I’ve been suppressing hit me at once

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
 My soulmate

What do I think about most?
 Love i guess

What’s my strangest talent?
 I can text extremely fast without looking at the screen

Do I have any strange phobias?
 Uh the ocean I guess

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Both are equal

What was the last lie I told?
 Nah I’m totally chill with my evening plans being ruined

Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
 Video chatting

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
 Both, yes

Do I believe in magic? Nah

Do I believe in luck?
 Yea

What’s the weather like right now?
 Uhhh cold

What was the last book I’ve read?
 The second CHERUB book

Do I like the smell of gasoline?
 What

Do I have any nicknames?
 Ebs, m9, fam, chocolat THUN-DA #catinthehat

What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?
 Smashed my head open on the playground in year 1

Do I spend money or save it?
 I save it

Can I touch my nose with a tongue?
 No

Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?
 Yeah, my toucan lamp!

Favourite animal?
 Owl! Or toucan!!

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
 Watching the avengers with a friend

What do I think is Satan’s last name is?
 Uh lol skip

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
 Electric love, out of my league

How can you win my heart?
 Being nice and complimenting me on everything and talking to me properly

What would I want to be written on my tombstone?
 ‘We are number one *DROP IT*’

What is my favourite word
 - Soup, vanilla, crunch

My top 5 blogs on tumblr
 - @dont-drop-your-ascots @u-wanna-go-m9 @you-was-only-for-yourself @setheverman and then any Danganronpa blogs

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
 BE FUCKIN NICE! AND MATURE!

Do I have any relatives in jail?
 No

I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?
 Teleportation or pretty much a glass or neon conduit

What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?
 

What is my current desktop picture?
 Lots of corny love quote shit

Had sex?
 No

Bought condoms?
 No

Gotten pregnant?
 No

Failed a class?
 No

Kissed a boy?
 No

Kissed a girl?
 No

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
 No

Had job?
 Hehehehe had job. No

Left the house without my wallet?
 Yea

Bullied someone on the internet?
 No

Had sex in public?
 No

Played on a sports team?
 Yea

Smoked weed?
 No

Did drugs?
 No

Smoked cigarettes?
 No

Drank alcohol?
 Like a sip

Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
 No

Been overweight?
 No

Been underweight?
 Yes

Been to a wedding?
 Yes

Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
 Every day

Watched TV for 5 hours straight?
 Yeah

Been outside my home country?
 Yes

Gotten my heart broken?
 Yes

Been to a professional sports game?
 Yes

Broken a bone?
 No

Cut myself?
 Yes

Been to prom?
 Well Deb is the equivalent so yea

Been in airplane?
 Yes

Fly by helicopter?
 Yes

What concerts have I been to?
 owl city!!

Had a crush on someone of the same sex?
 No

Learned another language?
 Yes

Wore make up?
 Yes

Lost my virginity before I was 18?
 No

Had oral sex?
 No

Dyed my hair?
 Yes

Voted in a presidential election?
 No

Rode in an ambulance?
 No

Had a surgery?
 No

Met someone famous?
 I dont think I have

Stalked someone on a social network?
 Heheheheh yes

Peed outside?
 Uhhhh hasnt everyone??

Been fishing?
 Yes

Helped with charity?
 Yes

Been rejected by a crush?
 Every time

Broken a mirror?
 Yes

What do I want for birthday?
 A vacation or a proper pc or a proper set of headphones

How many kids do I want and what will be their names?
 None

Was I named after anyone?
 No

Do I like my handwriting?
 No

What was my favourite toy as a child? Beanie kids

Favourite Tv Show?
 Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Where do I want to live when older?
 Melbourne

Play any musical instrument?
 No

One of my scars, how did I get it?
 I fell out of bed and smashed my eyebrow on the bedside table

Favourite pizza toping?
 Bacon

Am I afraid of the dark?
 Yes

Am I afraid of heights?
 A little

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
 Yea tot he second, no to the first

Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Every time

What I’m really bad at
 - Maths

What my greatest achievements are
 - IT games programming award and Cisco award (hehehehe)

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me
 - Essentially ‘you’re the reason everything is bad’, and ‘you will never be seen as pretty or acceptable for anyone’

What I’d do if I won in a lottery
 - bank half and give one quarter of it to my family and then the other quarter to charity

What do I like about myself
 - I can sometimes be funny

My closest Tumblr friend
 - @dont-drop-your-ascots

Something I fantasise about my ex - idk

Thanks for the ask! I CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO BOLD IT ALL thanks lads