#that hasn't anything to do with the drawing

[burntheedges]

Falling For You - Part 2

Joel Miller x f!reader | 10k | 18+ | masterlist | fic masterlist | ao3

fic summary: Joel Miller gave up on the idea of a soulmate at least 20 years and one apocalypse ago. But it turns out the universe hasn't given up on him quite yet.

Part 2: Joel was pretty sure he couldn't do this.

a/n: hellooo it's time for part 2! where did Joel run off to? let's find out! see tags/warnings below and check the fic masterlist for the full tags. Thank you again @katareyoudrilling for being the best beta!! 🧡

tags/warnings for part 2: fluff, angst, panic attack (Joel), more family fluff, some pretty negative inner monologue (Joel), more soulmate lore, pregnancy mention (Maria), stop reading here if you like surprises, hand holding, a bit of other (PG) touching, reader has a brother who died, hand kiss, cheek kiss

Part 2

Joel was on the other side of Jackson before he registered his surroundings.

He came back to himself leaning against one of the houses they were working on, clear across town, chest heaving. He was covered in sweat but he felt ice cold all over.

He couldn’t breathe.

His chest felt tight, like it couldn’t expand far enough to let in any air, like he was trapped in a vice. He pushed back and leaned harder against the wall until his feet started to slip out from under him on the grass. He slid and stumbled his way to sitting against the wall in the dirt.

Joel knocked his head back against the wall and groaned.

Fuck. 

“Fuck,” he muttered aloud. He couldn’t breathe.

And that was how Tommy found him. 

“Whoa, shit,” he heard from his right and grimaced. “Joel? What the fuck–”

Tommy cut himself off as he dropped on his knees next to him. “Shit,” he repeated, reaching forward to grasp Joel’s shoulder.

Joel shuddered. “Can’t–” he tried to suck in a breath and failed. “Can’t breathe.”

“Alright, hey, big brother,” Tommy said, sounding a bit winded himself. He grabbed one of Joel’s hands and put it against his chest, and then flattened his own over Joel’s heart. Joel reached up and grasped it. Tommy pushed on his chest, just a bit, and Joel felt like his lungs opened up with the pressure. “Breathe with me, Joel. Just try and do what I’m doin’.”

He tried, and he couldn’t for a while. But Tommy was patient and after a long while of no sounds in their little corner but Joel’s breathing and Tommy’s voice, low and encouraging, he felt his breath begin to slow.

When Joel could finally draw in a deep breath again, he realized his hands were shaking.

“Shit,” he said, the first words he’d said in god knows how long. “Fuck.”

Tommy huffed a laugh and collapsed next to him against the wall. “You got that right. Shit and fuck, Joel.”

He clasped his hands together and focused on his breathing. “Yeah.” He shook his head. “Yeah, I know.”

“That happen often?” Tommy asked, looking over at him. 

Joel closed his eyes, avoiding his brother’s gaze. “Not so much lately. That’s what… I told you about it. Before.”

Tommy let out a long breath. “Yeah, I remember.” For a moment neither of them said anything, their breathing the only sound aside from the light breeze rusting the grass and the leaves of the tree that was shielding them from the road.

It turned out that out-of-his-mind-with-panic Joel was good at finding hiding spots. Huh, he thought, looking around.

“What…” Tommy sighed, cleared his throat. “What set it off?”

Joel could tell by his tone he was worried Joel wouldn’t answer. He definitely didn’t want to answer but he had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to hide this. Not in a town this small. “She–” he coughed. Took a long, slow breath. “Tommy.”

“Joel.” His brother nudged his arm with his elbow and Joel sighed again.

“It’s… fuck. Ok.” He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. “Bolts.”

There was a pause, and then Tommy said, in a slow, confused voice, “what about her?”

“She’s– Tommy, she’s my–” He couldn’t say it. How could he say it? He didn’t know how to say it. 

Tommy turned towards him on the grass, eyebrows raised. “Wait. No. No fucking way.”

Joel groaned. 

“No, you’re shitting me.” Tommy was starting to smile, then, and Joel closed his eyes again. “She’s what, Joel? Say it.”

Joel sighed what felt like the heaviest, longest sigh of his life. “She’s my…” he shook his head and he swore he could feel Tommy roll his eyes.

“She’s your one, ain’t she?” Tommy was outright grinning now, Joel could hear it. That little shit. “Holy fucking shit, Joel. Goddamn. Bolts is your soulmate?” Joel gave in and looked at his brother and the excitement on his face almost made him want to hide again.

“Yeah,” he muttered, looking down.

“Shit, Joel.” Tommy nudged him with hand. “What are you doin’ all the way over here?” He gestured at the yard around them.

Joel shook his head, brow furrowed. “I panicked,” he said, voice low. “Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak. Just… panicked. And ran.”

“You what?” 

“I fucking ran, Tommy. What do you think I was doin’ over here, meditatin’? I ran and I couldn’t fuckin’ breathe and I don’t even know how I got here.” Joel was pissed at the universe for doing this to him, but most of all at himself. He felt his chest start to heave again until Tommy reached out and squeezed his upper arm.

“Hey,” he said, “ain’t no way you’re the first person to panic at meetin’ their soulmate.” Joel side-eyed him. “What, it’s probably true! Just– just go back and talk to her, it’ll be–”

Joel was shaking his head. “No,” he said, voice as firm as he could make it. “No way. I’m not goin’ back.”

“Joel–”

“No, Tommy. I won’t.” He didn’t know how to say what he was thinking, that she deserved better and he was broken, anyone could see it, why would he inflict that on anyone else and this? all this was…  god she was so fucking beautiful. What would she think of him?

“Joel.” He could hear the exasperation coming back in Tommy’s voice. “You can’t–”

“I can.” He said and struggled to his feet. “And I will.”

He could hear Tommy’s sigh all the way down the block.

…

Joel spent the next two days hiding. There wasn’t a better word for it. He couldn’t pretend, not in his own head.

At one of their construction projects he managed to find and swap with someone who had patrol assigned the next day. He let Ellie know at dinner, and she grumbled again about not getting to go but didn’t seem to notice that Joel was very carefully not looking around the dining hall. Ellie was going to have a longer day again anyway, with some sort of special project at school in the afternoon.

Patrol kept him outside of Jackson for a while, and he felt his shoulders release the moment he rode through the gates. It was a boring route but just interesting enough to keep him from thinking.

Perfect.

That night he convinced Ellie to have dinner in, at home. He’d thought about it on patrol – now that he knew what Bolts looked like, he was certain he’d seen her around. He was certain he’d see her at the dining hall, too.

He squashed his brain’s attempts to linger on how perfectly he could picture her, after such a short time seeing her.

On the second day he went and dug into one of their projects on the outskirts of town, losing himself in the mindless tasks of ripping up carpet and sanding wood floors.

It was mid-afternoon before he realized he’d forgotten something important.

He froze when he heard Tommy stomp inside the building with Darren, knowing that meant it was well after 2 o’clock. It was Thursday, and therefore a day Ellie didn’t have school in the afternoon.

A day when she would go pick up supplies from Nuts ‘n Bolts. And he could ignore Tommy – he had years of practice, after all – but he wasn’t going to ignore Ellie.

Fuck. 

…

That night Joel walked to the dining hall full of dread. He’d wracked his brain all afternoon and failed to come up with another excuse to eat at home. Besides, Ellie was a smart kid – she’d see through him sooner or later. And he had a feeling it would be sooner if she’d talked to Bolts.

Not that he thought she’d say anything. Not that he knew her, but from the way Ellie talked about her…

Joel very purposefully stopped thinking about it.

He stopped outside of the doors and took a deep, slow breath.

“Hey, brother,” he heard from behind him, and stifled a groan.

“Tommy,” he greeted, turning to look.

Tommy was squinting at him. “Showing your face today, hmm?”

“Shut up.” Joel walked inside without looking back.

At dinner, Joel used his Ellie and Maria buffer from Tommy to the best of his abilities. He kept Ellie talking about school and found himself asking Maria questions like he never had before.

Tommy eyed him the whole time.

“Hey Maria,” Ellie asked towards the end of the meal, looking thoughtful. “How many soulmates are there in Jackson? Tommy made it sound like a lot.”

Tommy laughed. “I didn’t say a lot, I just said it had happened at the gate before.”

Maria raised an eyebrow at her husband. “I’m not sure, Ellie,” she smiled. “According to George it’s more than the general population, Before. Percentage-wise. He was a sociologist.”

“What’s that?” Ellie asked, leaning forward.

“Like a scientist who studies societies and human behavior.”

Ellie sat up straight. “Cool! George from the stables?” Maria nodded and Ellie grinned. “Nice. I’ll ask him tomorrow.”

Joel looked over at her. “You goin’ to the stables tomorrow?”

Ellie nodded, looking smug. “I’ve got a delivery and a pick-up to do for Bolts.”

Joel coughed and clung to his neutral expression with every ounce of willpower he had.

“What?” Ellie said, eyeing him.

“Nothin’,” he wheezed and took a sip of water. “Went down the wrong pipe.”

Ellie rolled her eyes and patted him on the back. “What, are you too old to eat unsupervised now?” Tommy laughed and Joel scowled at him.

“You know, we’ve had a few more new people,” Tommy said, tone way too innocent. Joel narrowed his eyes. “Maybe we’ll be hearing about some new soulmates soon.”

Ellie perked up while Joel glowered, trying to transmit stop hinting into Tommy’s annoying little mind. “Ooh, yeah! Maybe I’ll get to see it next time.” 

A few minutes passed without Joel realizing he’d stopped listening, until Ellie elbowed him in the ribs. He grunted and raised an eyebrow at her. “What?”

“What’s with you?”

“Nothin’.” Joel knew the moment the word let his lips it was the wrong move – she’d never believe him, and now she was insulted. 

Ellie narrowed her eyes at him and he sighed. “No,” she said, tone suspicious. “Something is up with you.” Joel felt Maria’s gaze land on him too and stifled a groan. He was certain Tommy was grinning. “I’m going to figure it out, you know.”

Joel shrugged. “Nothin’ to figure out.” His tone was mild but he knew it probably sounded as forced as it felt. He needed to get out of there, out from under the too-knowing gazes of his brother and his kid. Not to mention Maria, who didn’t know him that well but was probably the smartest person in this damn town.

Not that he was going to tell her that.

Ellie glared at him for a minute and then allowed Tommy to change the subject. Joel didn’t trust it for a second.

…

She didn’t ask him about it when they got home, which put Joel even more on edge. She didn’t ask about it before she went to bed, either, or in the morning before school. 

Joel was rusty but he recognized the paranoia that settled over him, the paranoia of knowing his kid was plotting something. Even if he didn’t know what.

Sarah, too smart for her own good, had done this to him more than once. There was the year she became determined to find her Christmas presents early. She’d launched an investigation in their house like nothing he’d ever seen, but still never found them. (They’d been at Tommy’s apartment the whole time.) And then there was the time she’d tried to set him up with her soccer coach (who was happily married, though Sarah hadn’t known that, and who had thankfully thought it was hilarious).

So when Joel found himself looking over his shoulder for a small, too smart menace all day, at least it felt familiar.

Somehow she still managed to catch him completely unawares when she pounced.

“You’re frowning even more than usual, so it must be bad,” she said, appearing from absolutely nowhere inside the house he was working on. Joel did not jump a foot in the air. He certainly didn’t make any noise. And he definitely didn’t launch his screwdriver 10 feet across the room.

“Jesus Christ, Ellie, make some goddamn noise,” he said, heart racing. He leaned against the wall next to him and turned to look at her. She was leaning against the doorway looking far too smug. He grimaced.

“You know your face is gonna get stuck like that.” She grinned at him. He’d said that to her on the road and now she said it to him every time he frowned. He didn’t think she’d noticed yet that he frowned more now because it made him feel warm inside every time she said it, when she picked up stuff like that from him.

Joel sighed. “I’m fine.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Sure. You’re not being weird at all, just like this morning when you left your coffee on the counter and didn’t drink it, or two days ago when you insisted we had to eat dinner at home and miss that weird chicken you like, or when you suddenly swapped patrol shifts with Pete rather than do whatever you’re doing in here. Totally normal Joel behavior. Nothing to see here, folks!”

Joel was a bit taken aback. “Ellie–”

Her face fell and he felt it like a fist around his heart. She seemed unsure of what she wanted to say but frowned. “We’re supposed to be honest with each other, Joel. If you don’t– if–”

“Hey,” he said, and held out a hand. Ellie came over and sat next to him as he slid down onto the floor. “I’m alright. I… It’s nothin’ like that. I’m just— I’m thinking through something’. Gettin’ my mind around it..” He winced internally, knowing he’d promised her already that he’d talk about soulmates, if and when it happened. Maybe he could put that off indefinitely. “It’s nothin’ bad. I promise. Just…” he sighed. “I need to think a bit. Let me figure it out, ok?”

She squinted at him again and nodded. “Ok. I can’t believe you didn’t drink your coffee, though.”

Joel groaned. “Me neither.” No wonder he felt like shit.

“And you have to tell me eventually.”

He sighed and shook his head. “I know, kiddo. I know.”

…

After all that, he couldn't muster the effort to even be surprised when Tommy was waiting on their front porch when they got home. Time’s up, Joel thought to himself, sighing. Just three days and he was already being cornered.

“Evening, folks,” Tommy said, smiling. Ellie doffed an imaginary cowboy hat at him before she scooted inside and Joel smiled against his will.

“Tommy,” he said, voice wary. 

Tommy eyed him. “We need to chat.”

“Tommy–”

“Joel.” Tommy raised his eyebrows. For a moment they just looked at each other, and then Joel sighed.

“Get inside, then.”

Tommy followed him in and took a seat at the kitchen table. Joel heard the back door shut as Ellie went into the backyard. He sighed. “Well?”

Tommy leaned forward and didn’t waste time. “When are you going to talk to her?”

“I’m not.” Joel crossed his arms and frowned, looking away from his brother.

Tommy scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Joel, you live in the same very small, rural, post-apocalyptic commune. You’re renovatin’ the damn town and she’s in charge of our supply inventory. How exactly do you plan to manage that?”

Joel frowned down at the table. 

“Don’t answer that, I know you don’t have a plan. You’re just hidin’.”

Joel looked up at his brother, scowling. “I am not–”

“You are,” Tommy said, pointing at him, “and we both know it. You’ve done it before, Joel. When you met Sarah’s mama? When our mama found out you quit football and didn’t tell her?” Tommy counted each item off his fingers. “It’s not the first time you’ve run off to think about somethin’. Sure it won’t be the last.” Tommy tapped on the table. “But there ain’t no other way this ends, big brother. You have to talk to her.”

“Tommy, I don’t…” he trailed off. He took a deep breath and finally let out the question that had sent him running, that had been crowding behind his teeth for 3 days no matter how he tried to choke it back. “Did you ever think about what it meant, that you found Maria here? Here and now, in Jackson.”

Tommy sighed. His face fell, and Joel knew that his brother understood what he was asking. Of course he did, Joel never should have doubted him. “You mean, this whole business is supposed to be fate, right?”

“Right,” Joel said, wincing. He wanted to get up and walk away from the conversation but he knew Tommy wouldn’t let him. Wouldn’t put it past him to sit on him and make him have it. It wouldn’t be the first time, and even if he never said it out loud, Joel knew he was getting old. Older than the last time he’d wrestled his brother, for sure. He curled his hands into fists and pressed them into the table. 

“And if fate brought you here, what’s that mean about everything else that happened?” Tommy’s voice was soft and knowing and the words hit Joel like blows.

He blinked and dropped his face into his hands. His hands were shaking. “Tommy–”

“Joel, I been thinkin’ about that for years, now.” Joel looked up to find Tommy frowning, shaking his head slowly back and forth. “And I don’t think it works like that. No, hear me out,” he said, raising a hand when Joel started to protest. “Maria and I have talked about everything at this point, everywhere we’ve been since, you know, and even before that. And Joel, wouldn’t you know it, but we almost met twice before this.” Tommy raised his eyebrows.

Joel blinked. “What? How–”

Tommy nodded. “Once in Austin. Once when I took that trip, Before, out to California.” Joel’s jaw dropped. “We were even in the same room once.” He laughed, and Joel couldn’t help but huff a startled laugh in response. “It was a big room — well, a mall, technically, at the food court — but still.”

“No kiddin’?”

Tommy laughed again. “No kiddin’. So, way I see it, the universe is bringing us together, somehow, but it wasn’t necessarily meant to happen now.” He shrugged. “I won’t pretend I’m some genius. But it feels right. And George told me it’s not uncommon for that to be true, for people to have near misses like that. Even more common now after everything.”

Joel sat back in his chair heavily. Could it be? He wanted to believe and wanted to run away from it, all at once. He couldn’t bear the thought that any of this – Sarah, Tess, Bill, Frank – he cut himself off. He couldn’t bear the thought of any of that being fated. It made him want to scream, made him want to tear things apart. Tear himself apart. 

But if Tommy was right… for a long moment he just closed his eyes and breathed. 

“Shit,” he said finally, and Tommy smiled. “I can’t… I need to think.” 

But of course Tommy wasn’t going to let him. “So,” Tommy said, leaning forward again. “When are you going to talk to her? You gotta, Joel.”

Joel’s heart was racing as he came down from the rush at what Tommy had just told him. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and groaned. “What do I even say, Tommy? ‘Hey, sorry for the massive fuckin’ disappointment I’m sure it is to be my soulmate, nice to meet you.” He shook his head, waving a hand at Tommy when he opened his mouth. “Don’t even start. We both know–”

“Soulmate?!” Joel whipped his head to the right and found Ellie standing in the doorway, hand pressed against each side of the door frame. She was leaning forward into the kitchen, face and tone incredulous. “Joel, what the fuck–”

“Ellie,” he groaned and then glared at Tommy, who raised his hands in front of his chest. 

“No, Joel, what the fuck,” she repeated, stepping inside. “You found your soulmate?! When?!” She slapped both palms down on the table. “Who is it?”

Tommy looked between the two of them and then opened his mouth. Joel leaned forward. “It’s–” Tommy started.

“Tommy,” Joel growled, cutting him off.

Ellie and Tommy both started talking at once.

“Joel, you can’t–” Ellie said, crossing her arms.

Tommy rolled his eyes. “It’s not like you can keep it a secret forever, brother,” he said.

“I know that,” he said, voice tense. “Let me tell her.”

Tommy nodded, leaning back in his chair.

“Ellie, it’s–”

“Is this what you were hiding?” She interrupted, frowning.

He nodded. “I just… needed some time.”

She looked at him for a moment and then looked down and set her jaw. “Joel, we said we’d live. That was the deal.”

“I know it was.” He leaned towards her.

“You said you’d tell me, because it seems like getting to know your soulmate might be part of living.” She looked up at him and then back at the floor as she recited his words back to him. “Because FEDRA was full of shit, right? About pretty much everything.” Her tone said she wanted him to tell her that was true. It was something they’d talked about on the road, a bit, an idea she was still getting used to after growing up in their care.

“Right,” he said, voice firm. He didn’t want her to doubt that for a second. 

She nodded. “And soulmates must be something good, then. If they didn’t like ‘em.” She sounded like she was reminding herself as well as him.

Joel nodded, watching her. “Yeah.”

“Who is it?” Ellie asked again, finally, and Joel leaned back.

“It’s Bolts,” he said, and her head flew upwards, mouth dropping. “When we met the other day. We heard it.”

Her mouth made a little ‘o’ of surprise and he felt himself smile. “Really?!”

He nodded. “Really. I, uh. I wasn’t… I just needed some time,” he repeated again, grasping for the certainty he’d felt for the last three days, that staying away was for the best. It was slipping away from him and he knew he wasn’t ready for what he might find in its place.

Ellie moved forward and leaned against the table next to him. She poked him in the shoulder. “Maybe you can take your time and talk to her at the same time. Or something. Bolts is cool, man, you’ll see.”

“She is,” Tommy agreed.

Joel looked between his brother and his kid and he knew he was outnumbered.

“Ok,” he said, and they both smiled. “Ok, look, if I promise to talk to her, will you lay off?” He looked between them. “Both of you. I can’t…” He scrubbed one of his hands through his hair. Ellie reached out and ruffled it up some more and he smiled. “I’ll talk to her but let me take my time, alright?”

They nodded. Tommy stood up. “Alright, Joel. Let me know if you want to talk about it. I’ll see y’all at dinner,” he said, and squeezed Joel’s shoulder on the way out. 

When the door shut behind him, Ellie started to move away, but Joel caught her arm. “Hey,” he said, voice soft. “You know… you know you come first, right?”

She furrowed her brow but met his eyes. “What?”

Joel sighed. “I’m not… I’m not rushin’. But you know, no matter what. Soulmate or not. You come first for me. It’s you and me, Ellie. Before everythin’ else. Ok?”

Ellie wavered for a second, looking a bit like she had no idea what to do with that information. “Joel–”

“Just need you to know that, is all,” he murmured, poking her in the arm.

She grimaced and then grinned as she poked him back. “I do know that, Joel.” She looked shy and he smiled.

“Good.”

“Yeah, ok, enough feelings.” She pretended to puke and backed away from him. He laughed, feeling lighter than he had since he’d heard the music.

“Yeah, yeah, let’s go find dinner, kiddo.”

…

Promise made, Joel knew his time had run out. Still, he managed to push it three more days, until Monday. He drifted through those three days and tried not to think too hard about what he was going to do.

Ellie kept giving him looks, though, so he knew he couldn’t get away with going any longer than that. But she kept her word and she and Tommy both laid off of him.

When Joel stood up from his desk on Monday afternoon, though, Tommy grinned. “Where ya headed?”

“Mind your business, you old busybody,” Joel said, and stalked out of the office before Tommy could tell him he sounded like their mother, who used to say that often. 

“Ok, mom!” Tommy yelled after him, and Joel sighed as he headed out the front door.

The walk to Nuts ‘n Bolts was quicker than he would have liked, and Joel grimaced when he stood outside the door. He tugged at his shirt sleeves and then sighed. Not like it’s gettin’ any better than this, he thought. 

“Alright, Miller,” he muttered to himself. “Buck up.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and stepped forward to open the door.

He’d barely taken three steps inside when he heard her voice and froze in his tracks. “I’ll be right there,” she called, and he closed his eyes. Had her voice sounded like that last time? Or the time before?

So warm?

He clenched his fists and cleared his throat. “It’s me,” he said, and it came out garbled. He cleared his throat again. “It’s me,” he repeated, clearer that time. “Um, Joel. Joel Miller.” He winced.

The room suddenly felt still and he realized she’d stopped whatever she was doing. 

“Oh,” she said, voice light, so low he almost didn’t hear it. He took a step forward. “I… let me–”

“I’m sorry,” he called. He hated the hesitance he could hear in her voice. “I… can we talk? I won’t run away this time.” He winced again and took another step forward and to the side so he could peer around the shelf. He still didn’t see her.

“You promise?” her voice sounded closer and he felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Promise?” he asked, overwhelmed. He could hear her footsteps and he knew she was nearby.

Bolts turned the corner at the end of the row, and Joel felt his breath catch in his throat. She was somehow more beautiful than he’d remembered, just more in general. He traced his eyes over the lines of her body and felt himself start to turn red.

“That you won’t run?” she repeated, and took a single step forward. He nodded and met her, step for step. They were so close now, only a few feet away from each other.

“I promise.”

…

You weren’t sure he was going to come back.

You’d heard all about Joel Miller before you met him. The whole town was full of gossips who loved to talk about anything new. Add in the fact that you were usually supplying the people he worked with on a daily basis and, well…

Safe to say you’d heard all about him.

He was tall, he was strong, he was scary, he was tough, he was only soft with his kid, he was grumpy, he had a great laugh, he never laughed, he was patient. He frowned all the time, but no, when he smiled he was so handsome, and did you see him lift that pillar into place? Did you see his arms? Did you see how careful he was with his big hands when he showed the new kid how to strip a wire?

You might have been eavesdropping at dinner for that last bit. 

But for a while that was all he was to you – rumors. Until Ellie started dropping by to pick up their orders. That’s when you really started to learn about the man behind the stories, because he was all Ellie wanted to talk about.

“Joel says everyone Before wanted to be a contractor when they grew up. Is that true?”

“Joel told me about paintball, did you ever play? Sounds sick. Bet I would’ve destroyed that old man in paintball.”

“Joel said parents used to ‘ground’ their kids as punishment. Were you ever grounded? Was it really just staying home and doing nothing? It sounds like it should mean you have to, like, lay on the ground or something.”

“Ok, we were talking about the Olympics and Joel told me about water polo and luge and ski jumping and I need a second opinion. What? Like, what?”

Ellie was hilarious – every time she visited, Bolts found herself grinning and laughing. Especially at the puns.

You saw her with a man you presumed was Joel a couple of times, but they were always busy. And so for a while that’s who Joel Miller was to you – that broad-shouldered guy who ate dinner with Ellie, a good dad who clearly doted on his daughter.

And then, finally, you met him.

One of the patrols had brought you back some new supplies to sort, and you were waist deep in it (literally) when Joel finally stopped by the shop again. You could hear him moving towards you through the store, and found yourself grinning at the box you were leaning into, amused at the easy banter flowing between you.

When you turned and looked at him, still smiling, you froze.

He was gorgeous – brown hair, warm brown eyes, easy smile. You’d been right about his shoulders – so broad, so sturdy. He looked strong.

Somehow you managed to notice all of that despite the music blaring in your head.

You could barely wrap your mind around it. This man, this incredibly attractive man, was your soulmate? This man that you knew to be smart and capable and a great dad? 

Your soulmate was still alive?

The music started to fade and you felt yourself shiver, breaking whatever spell had held you in place. You stepped forward, and said his name…

And felt your stomach drop when he turned and ran.

…

You might have avoided the dining hall for a few days after that. 

To be honest, at least with yourself – and you’d gotten pretty good at that over the last two decades of apocalypse – you avoided pretty much everything that wasn’t work or your little house nearby. 

You didn’t want to see anyone. You couldn’t get the look on his face when he ran out of your head and by the next day you’d pinpointed it. 

Joel had looked panicked. 

You wavered between worry that you had caused his panic and worry that he really did not seem to be interested in the idea of having a soulmate.

And it’s not like you were on the edge of your seat, waiting for yours. You’d given up on that years ago, as nice as it sounded. There had been a lot going on after all. 

But the idea of finally finding them? Finding him?

Well. You might have been excited, until you saw his reaction. Now you weren’t sure what to think.

Maybe he just needs time, you told yourself, wincing. 

When Ellie came in as normal, like nothing was wrong, you knew he hadn’t told her. You knew it hadn’t really been that long, and he’d clearly been upset, but you also felt a pinch of hurt at that.

You shoved it down somewhere deep.

By the weekend, though, you felt like your secret was bouncing around inside your chest trying to get out. After you closed up the shop on Friday you sighed.

You needed your best friend.

…

Thankfully, when you stepped inside their house, Tommy seemed to be out.

“Maria?” you called, looking around the corner into the kitchen.

“Upstairs!” you heard her call, and turned towards the stairs. “Come on up!”

You found her sitting in the baby’s room sorting little onesies. You knew she’d been collecting them for a while, both from others in town and Tommy on the lookout on the patrol.

“Think you got enough?” you asked, smiling. She rolled her eyes at you and laughed.

“More than,” she said, leaning back in her chair and placing a hand on her belly. “Got about half the hand-me-downs this town has to offer – Isabela has the other half.” She took a deep breath and settled back. “What’s up? Did we have plans?”

You shook your head and sat on the floor by the pile of clean clothes. “Want me to help fold?” you asked, and she nodded. “I, uh, need to talk to you about something.” you reached for the tiny t-shirt on the top of the pile – it said “taco time!” with a cartoon taco that appeared to be dancing – and snorted. “Where’d you get this one?”

Maria smiled. “Donation from someone. I have it written down somewhere.”

“Course you do,” you said, starting to move through the pile. The shirts felt almost too small to fold, which made you smile.

“Talk about what?” she asked, reaching for another onesie to fold.

You sighed. “So, um. I might have…” you put the shirt you were holding down – this one said “donut worry, be happy” with a picture of a donut with sprinkles – and covered your face with your hands. Maybe it would be easier to talk about if you didn’t have to look at anything. “I might have found my… my soulmate.” You coughed.

There was a moment of silence, and you peeked through your fingers.

Maria was frozen, staring at you, jaw dropped, onesie hanging from her fingers unfolded. As you made eye contact she started to grin. “No fucking way.”

“Way,” you said, and let yourself fall backwards onto the floor. Staring at the ceiling, you said, “on Tuesday.”

“Tuesday?!” she said, incredulous. You felt something hit your chin and lifted your head – she’d thrown the onesie at you. 

“Seriously?” you asked, holding up the onesie.

“Tuesday?” she said again, holding her hands out.

You sighed and dropped your head back onto the floor. “Tuesday,” you confirmed. “I… he ran away.”

There was another silence, but this time you counted down in your head. 3… 2… 1… 

“WHAT?” 

You smiled at the ceiling. Maria sounded pissed. 

“He did what? Who is it?”

You shook your head. “I think… well. He looked pretty panicked. I think he wasn’t expecting it.”

“Has he been back, talked to you again?” she asked and you shook your head, rolling it back and forth on the floor. 

“Nope.” 

“Who. Is. It.” Her voice was implacable and you knew you’d run out of ways to avoid the question.

“Don’t freak out, ok?” You lifted your head and glanced at her, and found she was staring at you, arms crossed, eyebrows raised. “Don’t freak out.”

She sighed. “That doesn’t sound promising.”

You fell back again and covered your face with your hands. “It’s Joel,” you said, voice muffled. There was a long pause.

“Did you just say,” she said, and her voice was carefully even, “Joel?”

You nodded.

“Joel Miller?”

You nodded again, hands still covering your face.

“Tommy’s brother Joel Miller?”

The evenness of her voice was starting to freak you out, so you peeked out from behind your hands. Maria’s face was carefully blank, and you winced.

“Yeah,” you said, heaving yourself into a sitting position. “That Joel.”

Maria stared at you. You wondered if you were about to hear another Joel freaking Miller rant from Jackson’s Number One Joel Skeptic, but after a moment the tension seemed to leech from her shoulders. She sighed again and rubbed her eyes.

“Ok, well clearly I must be at least a little bit wrong about him, if he’s your soulmate.”

You raised your eyebrows, shocked. “What?”

Maria groaned as she leaned forward, but waved you off when you moved to help. “I know you. I hope I know what kind of person would be your match.” She sighed, and it sounded like she’d rather step on legos that say what she said next. “If he’s yours, there must be parts of him I haven’t seen yet.” She grumbled something under her breath that sounded like “all the good parts, probably.”

You smiled. Maria may be stubborn at times, but she was the best friend you’d ever had, and it showed. “From the way Ellie tells it, he’s the best person in the world.”

Maria snorted. “Let’s leave that for another day.” You laughed. “Ok, perception-of-the-world-altering news aside, did you really just meet Joel on Tuesday?” 

“Yep.”

“How is that possible?” She looked stunned. “You’ve met Ellie. Hasn’t he even been to the shop? Isn’t he constantly ordering supplies?”

You shrugged. “He left quickly that one time, never saw his face. Ellie picks up all of their orders now and she loves it.”

Maria hummed. “You know, you might have set the record in Jackson for the longest time in town before realizing you’re soulmates.”

You rolled your eyes. “It wasn’t that long.”

She eyed you. “Sure.”

“But anyway. He freaking ran. Not sure what I’m supposed to do with that.”

Maria shook her head. “Now that I know it’s Joel?” She shook her head again and sighed. “Makes more sense. Probably couldn’t handle his feelings.”

“I mean, maybe. He looked so panicked, though.” You bit your lip and looked down at your hands. “And from what I’ve heard from Ellie, he’s plenty up front about his feelings when he needs to be. She’s a good kid, you know? You can just tell he’s pretty open with her. And you can see his parenting in things she says.”

Maria sighed. “Yeah, I know he’s a good dad. Just surprised to learn he’s got room for anything else.”

You frowned, thinking of the look on his face before he’d turned away. “Well, he might not.”

Maria shook her head slowly, looking thoughtful. “I assume you don’t want me to talk to Tommy about this.”

You winced. “Not yet. I need… a little more time.” 

“Alright,” she said, and picked up a new onesie to fold. “But hey,” when you looked up, she was smirking. Uh oh. “You know, now that I think about it,” she grinned, “not sure I’ve ever met anyone more your type than Joel Miller.”

“No,” you said, but she kept going.

“Tall, messy hair, broad shoulders? Those arms?” She waggled her eyebrows at you. “I’ve seen those hands. They must be genetic, because you know how I feel about Tommy’s.” 

You couldn’t help it, you laughed. “Maria–”

“Shoulda guessed the moment I saw him.”

You rolled your eyes. “It’s not that bad,” you said, shaking your head.

She hummed. “Sure,” she said, and you knew she was mocking you.

You sighed. “That was my first thought, when I heard it,” you admitted. “Oh shit, he’s hot, basically.”

Maria laughed. “You know it was the same for me, with Tommy. From the first moment I couldn’t help but think, well damn, just look at him.”

You both laughed. “Guess those Millers have good genes.”

She shook her head, still laughing. “They really do. Bet this baby will be so cute they get whatever they want forever.” You both smiled at the thought. She sighed. “Jesus. What are the odds, us and them?”

“I wondered about that.” You smiled a bit wistfully. “Maybe George would be able to tell us.”

You both laughed again, and for a moment you let yourself feel the warmth of it – that you’d found your soulmate, and he was your best friend’s brother-in-law. What were the odds, really? 

It was hard to feel very hopeful about it, but for a moment, you tried.

…

By the time Monday rolled around, you were wondering if you might need to be the one to seek Joel out. It felt like the ball was in his court, though, and you really didn't want to chase after someone who didn’t want to be chased. You figured eventually you could call in the cavalry, anyway.

The cavalry being Tommy, of course. You wondered if Joel had told him.

You lost yourself in your work, sorting supplies and filling orders, and before you knew it it was almost time for lunch. You’d just started sorting through your last order, eager to take a break, when the bell over the door tinkled.

“Be right there,” you called absently, frowning down at the pile of metal hooks in front of you that seemed to be tangled. How did these get so bad?

You heard whoever it was clear their throat. “It’s me. Um, Joel. Joel Miller.”

You froze, staring down at the tangled hooks in your hands.

Joel.

You needed to say something back. You shook yourself and dropped the hooks. The clank of their impact on the countertop made you wince. Your voice came out strangled. “O..oh. I… let me–”

But he interrupted whatever you were going to say. You weren’t even sure, yourself.

“I”m sorry,” he said, and you felt your stomach swoop. You had no idea what your face was doing, and you were suddenly glad he couldn’t see you. “I…” he trailed off and you had no idea if you should say something. 

What would you even say? 

“Can we talk?” he continued. “I won’t run away this time.”

You heard him take a step and it startled you into motion. You turned towards the door and took a step towards the shelf you knew was probably hiding you from view. You took a deep breath. He won’t run. “You promise?” You stood just around the corner from where you knew you’d probably find Joel and froze.

“Promise?” He sounded confused and you wondered if he was just as overwhelmed as you suddenly felt. 

You can do this. You nodded to yourself and, after nervously straightening your shirt, stepped around the corner. 

He was just as tall and broad as you remembered, even though he was leaning a bit like he was trying to make himself smaller. He was repeatedly tightening one of his hands into a fist and then releasing it, a nervous movement that caught your eye before you met his gaze.

He was looking right into your eyes, and he was so handsome.

“Um,” you said, shaking yourself. “That you won’t run?” You took a step forward and Joel nodded. He took a step forward, too, and you found yourself only a few feet away from him. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from his.

“I promise,” he said, voice low. You could see the sincerity in his eyes, along with a lot of worry.

You smiled, and it grew when his gaze dropped down to trace over it. “Ok then.” You reached forward and lightly brushed your fingertips over the back of the hand he had strained in a fist. “C’mere,” you said, wrapping your fingers around his hand and tugging. His fist finally relaxed and he let you slide your hand into his. You felt a tingle slide down your spine.

You turned and led him through the maze of your shop to the back area with its little green couch. Tommy had helped you drag it back here when you’d first decided to use this space for inventory. It was just big enough for you to nap on, or for you to sit on with Joel without touching. You sat and turned so that you leaned slightly against the arm. He sat next to you.

For a moment, neither of you said anything. 

You looked down and saw his hand resting next to his leg. Now that you’d touched him, you couldn’t help but want to touch him again. You reached out, slowly crossing the distance between you, and brushed your fingertips over the back of his hand. His hand twitched and you started to pull away, but he followed you – he slid his hand slowly along the couch between you, palm rasping over the worn fabric, before flipping it and taking your hand in his. He squeezed it lightly and you felt the corner of your mouth lift in a smile as you looked back up at him.

“I–”

“I’m–” 

Joel started talking at the same time you did, and you both smiled. He ducked his head but lightly squeezed your hand again. “Go ahead,” he said.

You shook your head. “No, you first.”

He raised his head and met your eyes again. He gave you a half smile that made your heart start to pound in your chest. Handsome. 

“Had the sudden urge to say ‘ladies first.’ Don’t think I’ve said that to anyone in years.”

You snorted a laugh. “I don’t think anyone has said that to me in years. I’m not exactly a lady. And there’s not a lot of time for pretence in an apocalypse.”

Joel shook his head, still smiling. “Being here, it’s so…” he looked around your little shop. “Normal? Not exactly like it was Before, but…”

You nodded. “It was never going to be like Before. But it is weirdly normal. Still gets me sometimes.”

He looked back at you, eyebrows raised. “Still gets you?” He huffed a laugh. “Haven’t you been here for years? Guess it might be a long while before I get used to it, then.”

You shrugged. “I think it still gets all of us, sometimes. Makes it easier not to take it for granted.” You turned towards him a bit more, lifting your knee onto the couch between you. Your hands came to rest next to it and you tried not to notice the heat of his hand against the side of your thigh. 

Joel looked down and took a deep breath. “What were you going to say, before?” 

You smiled again and let your eyes trace over the shape of him on your couch – his tousled hair, the line of his neck, his broad shoulders. His hand in yours. “I was just going to say, I’m glad you came back.”

He raised his head and met your eyes. “Me too.”

“I, uh…” you trailed off, glancing over his face. “I wasn’t sure you were going to. Come back.”

Joel grimaced, but when you started to pull your hand away he held on. “I’m sorry. Again. I’d…” he sat up straighter and turned a bit towards you. The side of his thigh came to rest against your knee and you felt your awareness begin to narrow to all of the places you were touching. You felt it like a tingle over your skin. It was so easy to touch him, you realized, and you wondered if that was part of being soulmates. His voice startled you when he continued, “I’d like to explain. Or, try to. If that’s alright with you.” 

He looked at you, and for a moment you simply looked at each other. It hit you, suddenly, that you were looking at your soulmate. Your soulmate. You smiled again. “Have to admit, I’ve been curious.”

“I don’t blame you,” he said, and you noticed he seemed to be tracing you with his eyes the same way you’d done to him a moment ago. You felt your face start to get hot. “Must’ve been disappointin’... hearin’, um. Hearin’ it. And then me–” he cut himself off, shaking his head.

“I won’t pretend I wasn’t upset,” you said, but squeezed his hand. He was there now, after all. He came back. “But I might have been a bit distracted, you know, in the moment. The upset settled in after.”

“Distracted?” he asked, raising a single eyebrow. 

Your face burned. “Um,” you said, looking down. You peeked up at him through your eyelashes. “You’re, well. You know.”

Joel started to smile and you knew he knew exactly what you weren’t saying. “I know?” His tone was teasing, and something inside your chest came alight. Your soulmate. 

“Joel Miller, you know. Don’t make me say it.”

He leaned closer, just a bit, and his full smile took your breath away. “Would it help if I said I think you’re beautiful? Thought it last week and again today.” 

You grinned. “Well, that does make it easier for me to tell you I think you’re handsome.” You bit your lip. “‘S those shoulders.”

“My shoulders?” he said on a laugh.

You nodded. He had a great laugh, but you noticed it seemed to surprise him every time he did it. “Definitely. And, well.” You hid your face. “I’m getting ahead of myself.”

He flushed, suddenly, and your eyes narrowed.

“Joel?” you asked, and he started to lean back. You reached out and tugged on his sleeve with your free hand. “What?” 

“I, uhh…” he trailed off. “Nothin’.”

“Thought you were going to explain.” When he looked up you smiled, trying to make it clear you were teasing. 

He shook his head, face serious. “I’ll… let me do that. Explain.”

“Alright,” you said, softly, squeezing his hand to encourage him. When you did, you realized your tangled hands were now resting on your thigh, you’d moved them sometime in the last few minutes without noticing. You bit your lip. “Go ahead.”

Joel sighed and dropped his head back to rest against the couch. “Well, I’m sure it was obvious that I panicked.” He peeked at you and you nodded. “I figured my soulmate had died. Long time ago.” He shrugged. “Never thought I’d find you here.” As he said that he let his head fall to the side so he could meet your eyes. “Never expected it.”

You nodded. You knew the feeling.

“But, um.” He took a deep breath. “Alright. Let me get this out, not sure if I’ll be able to. But I want to try.” You squeezed his hand. He shut his eyes. “I had a d– a daughter. Before.” He cleared his throat and you could hear how difficult it was for him to say this. You leaned forward.

“Joel–”

He shook his head and squeezed your hand. You squeezed back. “Sarah.” Saying her name seemed to leave him breathless and you wished you’d known him long enough to pull him into a hug. You figured holding hands was already pushing it. “And T–” he stumbled over his words. “Well, I’m sure we’ve both lost people. Important people.” His free hand, resting on his left thigh, was shaking. You reached across his body and slipped your hand into his. He let you tug it towards you, turning his body so that both of your joined hands were resting in your lap. His eyes were still closed. “And I couldn’t–” he sucked in a sharp breath and squeezed both of your hands. “I couldn’t bear the idea that any of that was m– meant,” he took another deep breath. “Meant to be.” He almost whispered the last few words and you felt it like a vice grip around your heart.

“No,” you said, voice firm. It startled him, and his eyes flew open. You could see the emotions swirling in them. “I don’t believe that. Never have.”

“No?” he repeated, leaning towards you. You could feel his full attention on you and you swallowed roughly.

“Never have,” you repeated. “I don’t believe in fate.”

He looked taken aback. You weren’t surprised, it wasn’t the first time you’d gotten this reaction. “You don’t? What about–”

You shook your head. “My parents weren’t soulmates,” you said. You still felt a pang, all these years later, just thinking about them. You shook it off. “And they were happy. And there are so many people out there who never find them.” You smiled, wryly. “Could be more now.” He nodded. “Way I see it, there’s someone out there who just fits you,” you squeezed his hands, “but that doesn’t mean everything’ll be sunshine and roses when you find them. You still have to work at it, to choose them. And…” it was your turn to trail off, emotions clogging your throat.

Joel leaned forward, seeming to realize you were suddenly having trouble. “Hey, you don’t have to–”

You shook your head, and he squeezed your hands. You realized he had turned more and your knee was now resting on top of his. Somehow it grounded you. You cleared your throat. “My brother. He– Outbreak day.” You took a slow breath in and out. “He met his soulmate young. They weren’t ready. They were just starting to…” you shook your head. “Anyway. It’s not always easy, even if you fit. You might meet at the wrong time. And you still have to try, to want it.” You looked at Joel again and found a look on his face that told you he knew exactly what you meant. 

“I should be honest,” he said, and something about how he said it sent ice down your spine. You almost started to pull away but he wouldn’t let you. “No, listen, darlin’. I want you to hear it from me. I spent years scoffin’ at the idea of findin’ my soulmate. Tommy’s heard me say it, wouldn’t be surprised if he talked about it. But it wasn’t really because I didn’t want one.” He slipped his right hand free from yours for the first time since you’d sat down and your breath caught when his fingertips brushed against your cheek. His hand dropped back into his lap and you missed its warmth. “I think I always did. Want one. I just…” he grimaced. “Was pretty sure no one would want me. No one should, anyway.”

Your eyebrows flew upwards in surprise. “What?” 

Joel tilted his head. “What?” he repeated.

“Joel.” you said, leaning forward. “Why wouldn’t someone want you?”

He blinked, taken aback. “I… well. Tommy’d say I’m a stubborn asshole. And I’ve done…” he shook his head. “Things that weren’t…I wasn’t… there’s not a lot of me left.” He struggled to put whatever he was thinking into words, but you were pretty sure you knew what he was getting at.

“Joel,” you said again, and he looked at you, eyes wide. “We’ve all done things we didn’t want to do, or things we regret. And more things we don’t, plenty of terrible things we’d do again if we had the chance.” You lifted your free hand, wondering if you could touch him the way he’d touched you, but you chickened out and dropped it on top of your hands that were still tangled together. “Seems like there’s plenty of you left, Miller.”

“How d’you know?” He sounded like he wanted to believe you but wasn’t sure if he did.

You smiled at him. “I’ve heard all about you from Ellie, you know. You’re a good dad, Joel.” You watched as he took a deep, shuddering breath.

“Ellie, she… I was different. Before her.” 

“I think I get that,” you said softly, squeezing his hand. “I was a different person before I came here.”

You both took a moment to just breathe. You were starting to feel a bit runover from all the emotions you’d just spilled and Joel looked like he might feel the same. You decided to take a chance.

“Besides,” you said, smirking, “I’d say there’s exactly the right amount of you, Joel.” You watched as he started to blush, again, and grinned. 

“Really?” he said, tone wry.

“I already told you I think you’re handsome,” you said. “I meant it.” You let your eyes trail over him again and bit your lip.

Joel coughed. “Earlier, when I said it was nothin’.” You nodded – you did want to know what he’d been thinking when he’d blushed that first time. “The first time I saw you, you were, ah…” he trailed off and turned even more red. 

You thought back, trying to remember… and oh. Oh shit. 

“The box?” you said, feeling yourself get hot. “Oh no.”

He nodded, and suddenly his gaze was different. It was deeper, somehow. “Oh yes. The box.” He smiled and leaned forward. “I was already thinkin’ how funny you were, and how much I was enjoyin’ talkin’ to you.” Was his voice deeper? You shivered. “And then I turned the corner and, well. Shit.” He laughed and shook his head. “Might’ve been my first thought when I saw you. Those jeans looked real nice on you, darlin’.” You shivered. You realized you’d shivered every time he’d called you that. You wanted to hear him say it again.

“Maria said she wasn’t surprised when I told her,” you said, grinning, “because you’re exactly my type.”

Joel looked surprised. “You told Maria?”

“Oh,” you said, but well, of course you had. “She’s my best friend.”

He nodded. “It’s– that’s fine. I told Tommy and Ellie. I’m just surprised you still want to talk to me.” He grimaced. “Maria ain’t my biggest fan.”

You laughed, and laughed a bit more when he sighed. “Oh believe me, Joel, I know. But I think she’ll come around.”

He looked skeptical. “Not sure I agree with you but you know her better’n me.”

His words finally registered with you and you couldn’t help but ask, “what did, ah… What did Ellie say?”

Joel smiled. “She likes you a lot. And me and her, we made each other a promise. About livin’ here.”

You tilted your head, studying him. “A promise?”

He nodded. “That we’d try. Try and live, I guess. Try and make it work. So… I would have talked to you either way, I want you to know that. But like I said, I’m stubborn. I might’ve been a bit slower about it without her remindin’ me.”

You laughed again. “She’s a force, that girl.” You knew he could hear how much you admired her in your tone because he grinned.

“She is,” he said, and you could hear how much he loved her. “I also promised her I wasn’t in a rush. And, well. Is that alright with you? If we take it slow. I want to get to know you, I do, just–”

“Of course, Joel.” You squeezed his hand again. “Of course. I… it was a surprise for me, too, you know. I’ve been on my own a long time. Even if you are way too handsome.”

He blushed. You grinned.

“Well then, darlin’,” he said, and you shivered again. He must’ve noticed that time because he smirked. “How do you feel about havin’ lunch together? Maybe tomorrow?”

“I’d like that, Joel.” You were feeling warm, now, and much more settled than you had in days. You figured Joel had the right idea, getting all of this out in the open early. “Here? Away from the peanut gallery.”

He smiled. “Sounds perfect. I’ll bring somethin’.”

As you fell into an easier silence you both seemed to realize that you were sitting with your knee propped on his and both of your hands tangled with one of his. You both sat back and gently disentangled. 

“Alright, then,” he said, and made to stand. 

You leaned forward before he could. “Joel?” He nodded, looking at you. You leaned forward even farther, into his space, until you could feel the warmth of him. You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and tried not to think about how much you liked the way his beard felt against your lips. “Thank you for coming back,” you murmured, close to his ear. 

Joel turned his head slightly, and suddenly your faces were only an inch or so away from each other. “I was always comin’ back. Promise.” He leaned forward nudged his forehead against yours. “Thank you for waitin’.” As he leaned back he took your hand and lifted it to his lips. He kissed your knuckles softly and you gasped.

You nodded. “Of course.”

Joel stood, finally, and you let him. “I’ll see you tomorrow, darlin’.”

“Tomorrow,” you agreed, and you watched him walk back towards the front of the store. When he was out of sight you fell back against the couch and sighed, head swimming from the way he’d just kissed you. And you’d kissed him.

Holy shit.

...

a/n: !!!

[idkplzhalp]

Hi I love your post, it's worded so poetically. I agree with all of it, so I now feel compelled to write my idea of CEO Caroline with how she could've acted, along with a lot of my headcanons.

Idk if it's in character for her but I think Caroline would've been really depressed as CEO. Like you said- she's doing just enough to keep the company afloat. She's not as erratic and forceful as Cave, she definitely knows how to not get into as quick a trouble- or knows how to keep troubles hidden -from having to deal with fixing Cave's legal messes over the years (such as in PotatOS cut lines about the missing astronauts, and among other weird random jobs that Cave tells her to do in his own cut lines):

GLaDOS is very theatrical but that's more circumstancially shown with Chell (I'm thinking about her boss battle lines in Portal 1 here). Caroline would likely be distressed/angry but it hasn't reached GLaDOS' point of aggression and revenge after her activation. While I don't think Caroline would have her same light heartedness from the 50s, I do think she could have the same conformity from that time, to assist with what she's told to and not do anything irrational. Though I feel she'd be more short tempered with the lab boys.

In scrapped lines, PotatOS is definitely more bitter and judgemental. So that could be Caroline as CEO, too. GLaDOS could be reverting to Caroline's feelings from when she was last alive.

During Cave's lemon rant, PotatOS says "Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!" Maybe Caroline was more like Cave on the inside? She seems very kind and patient in her voice lines on intercom but she could have very different ways of acting off mic (ie, the astronaut lines).

Back to how she ran the facility, LabRats announcements are prerecorded messages from Cave, so maybe she chose to do something like that? Though these were after GLaDOS was initially activated so Caroline was already gone. Either she didn't record any or the employees didn't like her enough to keep her voice playing on the announcements. Maybe keeping Cave's voice on the intercom left an illusion of Aperture still being alive and just as well off as they were in the 50s.

It makes me headcanon that Caroline didn't record any messages at all so that's why we don't hear her in game (and nooot just that she was added as a smaller part really late in development & it wouldve dragged on too long because Cave's speech closed that part of the story).

Like they probably didn't give Caroline a section of testing since she was written as a small role, thus why Ellen Mclain was used in the first place and not Greg. Having a full section of tests run by Caroline may have been too much for the slow and tragic reveal of the GLaDOS twist & how GLaDOS would've reacted to hearing her voice consistently (though maybe someone can email the Portal writers/devs and see if they ever thought about including something like that?)

I headcanon Caroline would stick to herself more and be seen by staff as ominous (if they didn't know her in the early years), or weak (if they did know her in the early years, considering Aperture hired mainly men in the 50s-60s and period typical misogyny). But she doesn't have the energy to actually argue with any of them, they don't matter in the end goal.

I sometimes go between thinking she would try to act like Cave while CEO or just a really deflated version of herself. Maybe she'd have his same anger and reactions at stupidity. Over time I'd like think she took his mannerisms and became more "boyish". I always draw CEO Caroline in one of Cave's suits, like as if that could help her channel him, I guess.

Cave did have a bit cut from his final speech that Caroline should be taken care of and treated just like him, so I assume the employees didn't respect her as much as they respected Cave, and as much as Cave respected Caroline.

"..Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her. Treat her just like you'd treat me. Hell, put her in my computer, I don't care. Just make sure she's taken care of.."

We also know she argued against GLaDOS but couldn't get out of it as CEO, therefore the employees may not have listened to her (if she actually tried to stop it after being appointed).

"Mr Johnson, I don't want this."

"No, listen to me! Sir, I do not want this!"

Maybe it's like Aperture Desk Job? Where no one checks on her and she's left alone in her office forever until GLaDOS is done. She's leaving the facility to be self sufficient or maybe has someone helping to keep things running behind the scenes like Cave had with her (I headcanon Greg. Bring him back).

Idk if this needs to or even can be factored in but we know from the Portal co-op that there was a prototype chassis. Would Caroline have been attempted to be uploaded to that?? It does control parts of the facility when messed with, ie the birds, so maybe there was an alternative where Caroline could've controlled the facility through this chassis instead of being uploaded? This could have been the prototype for Cave, using his computer like he mentioned in his speech. Maybe this is what she used to keep up with such a massive facility by herself until she was uploaded.

I mean she was appointed as CEO for at least 10 years, earliest from 1982/late 1980s when Cave died to 1996/2003, whenever they uploaded her. So her time was significant enough to make a difference and shift over into the modern era. It does make me sad at the lack of decoration and warmth of old Aperture. There is no facade, what you see is what it is. Caroline is TIRED, give her a break.

It's sort of curious how Caroline's (probably quite brief) tenure as Aperture's CEO is never explored or really brought up save for Cave's dying wish for her to take on his mantle. Its likely that Aperture took on the form we see in Portal 1 specifically under her jurisdiction. While she was in charge the building took on this rusted jagged shape, burning with hellish red light. The building at what is probably its most inhospitable state until GLaDOS has a go at rearranging its innards.

The fact that her management of Aperture is so understated makes me think that, unlike her predecessor, Caroline operated quietly and in the background. Didn't bother with the same theatrics that Cave did. Aperture seems to operate in a manner a little more insidious than usual after he's gone. Test subject acquisitions are all hush-hush. Chell's generation of test subjects probably don't even know any of the employees that well, let alone whoever runs the place. No more "Welcome to Aperture! I'm Cave Johnson - I own the place." - you simply wake up in a concrete box with warped faces observing you behind the glass. Clearly, she seems to have figured out a way to keep the company afloat, but the place is still a slowly decaying carcass of its former self. She's just managed to slow, stall the rot that started staining the place ever since the astronauts went missing. Funny it took a piece of her to build the machine that would force this decay into retreat. The place was a slowly settling corpse until life was forced straight into its wires, giving it self-devouring immortality.

[royharperwifey]

~♡~Roy Harper~♡~

–♡—>>Drabble<<-—♡–

Summary: Youre patching up Roy for the first time after patrol after just having found out he was a vigilante.

"Dumbass." You grumble as you clean a large scrape your boyfriend he has on his back. His muscles flex and tense as you dab it with alcohol swabs.

"Son of a– can you please be gentler?" Roy asks.

"No. Bitch. You come home at 2am in the damn morning with bruises and cuts. And you only tell me you're vigilante now?? When were you gonna tell me? The honeymoon?" You ask.

"Maybe." Roy says and you can hear the smirk without even seeing his face. You clean his scrape a little extra roughly.

"Ow! Bitch." He hisses, breath shaky.

"What did you just call me?"

"The best girlfriend ever. Thank you for cleaning my wounds, baby." He forces a smile.

Your gaze softens a little and you lean forward to peck his chapped lips. You'd tease him about having sandpaper for lips, but he immediately pulls the bottom one into his mouth and bites down when you pull away. Clearly the cleaning is painful.

"Why didn't you tell me?" You say instead.

"I didnt want you getting hurt. The more people know, the more in danger those people are. I mean I would never forgive myself if something happened to you or Lian on account of me having told you too soon." Roy says, his voice genuine.

You dont say anything as you continue nursing his cuts and scrapes. You do his face last and you press your lips in a supple kiss on his forehead once he's all done. Your hands rub up and down his shoulders and upper arms as the kiss lingers.

You can feel the tension leaving his body and the fatigue of the night of patrol setting in. You guide the taller man to the bathroom and draw him a bath. Once you've helped him in, you turn to leave, but he grabs your finger like a child.

"Can you stay?" He asks. "Will you join me?" He adds, with no gleam of mischief in his eyes. You nod and get undressed.

His eyes take in your form with no trace of lust but only pure adoration.

"Youre so beautiful, baby." He whispers once you get in. Your back is to his chest and he pulled you to sit between his legs, arms around your middle and his chin on your shoulder.

His lips press chaste, lazy kisses over the bare skin of your shoulders, neck and back and your cheeks and the top of your head. His hands stay planted around your waist, but one comes up to grab a boob and you laugh a little.

"Perv."

"Your perv." He whispers in between kisses.

After a nice relaxing bath, the two of you get out and you climb into bed while Roy looks at a photo of you, him and Lian at the park that's been frames outside of Lian's bedroom. He remembers how sick Lian had gotten that night with a flu and she had called you 'mommy' for the first time ever and you didn't hear it. Lian hasn't said it since but the memory makes Roy smile.

He softly walks into Lian's pink room and kisses his little girl's forehead. She stirs, but doesn't wake. When Roy gets back to the room, you're already tucked in and exhausted. He climbs into bed, careful of his cuts and bruises and the massive scrape on his back. He pulls you to his chest and kisses your neck softly, murmuring a soft good night before falling asleep.

[equill]

Reuniting with a distorted past.

Extra:(New personality tested gone wrong)

wanted to play with rin living in the aftermath aus aswell and had these drawings laying around to share so yay

Panel 1: Was buried alive.

Comic 1: Who are you supposed to be?

new friends

Comic 2: Misguided protection.

obito still sensing the warning signs of rin losing her temper. anyways they proceeded to be dragged into the ocean by rin like some sea monster

Comic 3: Finding out (Now what will you do?)

obito is harshly brought back from his delusions because now its not just kushina but rin too who he needs to ripped out the tail beast from

[plasma-studios]

an excuse to yap? Don't mind if I do! spoilers ahead up till episode 118 on the off chance someone else comes across this post

Calla and Hugo are such good examples of what love is and what love isn't. In-universe Calla draws a connection between her love for Deitasterra/Lapis and Hugo's love for Zephyros; both have 'lost' the person they loved, their love running so deep that they would do anything to see them again.

But the key difference? Calla would never put her own desires above Deitasterra’s/Lapis'. She desperately wants her master back, but she still places Lapis’ will above her own. Does she neglect Lapis' identity several times and treat her as if she were still Deitasterra? Yes! And let's not pretend that hasn't upset Lapis. But Calla is learning. When Lapis told her to stop saying she loved Lapis, because she doesn't love Lapis, she loves Deitasterra, she immediately tries to correct that behaviour. Despite her desire for Deitasterra, to not hurt the person she loves (Lapis), she acts accordingly.

If all goes according to plan, Lapis will eventually become Deitasterra. That’s the tragedy written into both their paths. Calla knows this. And still, she chooses to love Lapis as she is now, even knowing that the self she’s come to care for (the ego of 'Lapis') will one day dissolve. But concurrently, she fears that her master will never return. That at the end, 'Lapis' will remain, and her master be so irreversibly changed that the master she remembers will disappear forever even at the best outcome. There's a part where she questions what if Deitasterra never truly returns, and that what she truly fears is losing her. It's that fear that makes her love so raw. She’s walking a knife’s edge, basically: loving Lapis fully while grieving Deitasterra, and bracing for a future that may give her neither. And yet, she doesn't act on that fear. She lets Lapis choose her path, even if it means Calla ends up alone, having nothing but the memory of the past.

Because love, for Calla, isn't about getting what she wants. It's about making sure the one she loves is free to do what they want to. While she aches for Deitasterra’s return, she refuses to sacrifice Lapis’ agency to get there. Even as she grieves the past, and the future.

And Lapis does the same. She’s willingly gathering the pieces of heart, fully aware that in the end, she’ll lose the ego known as "Lapis" and become Deitasterra once more. There's a frame where she says she'll be returning Deitasterra to Calla and thereafter disappear, no? Of course she breaks down several times knowing that following this, 'Lapis' will die. She will die. But in spite of her fear, she loves Calla; and Calla desires her master, so though she's terrified of dying, she's committing to becoming Deitasterra once more. That is undeniably love.

Then there's Hugo having lost Zephyros. Hugo, who also lost someone he loved. Hugo, who also stands before a void where his loved one used to be. Hugo, whose love turned to grief, then bitterness, then violence. Hugo’s 'love' for Zephyros is strong, but it is also ultimately self-centered. Even up till death Zephyros had faith in Deitasterra. And she died after the blessing had been darkened into a curse, so she was well aware that what their master did had led to the suffering of many, many people. But her last words are literally "have faith in our master!" In other words, have hope. Zephyros chose to believe in Deitasterra.

And what does Hugo do? He throws that faith away. He looks at the final words of the woman he claims to love, not just her last breath, but her last choice, and discards them entirely. He's not acting on Zephyros' will. She clearly doesn't blame Deitasterra, and definitely doesn't want vengeance against her. And yet what does Hugo do? Go out of his way to make Lapis suffer to appease his own hatred. Hatred that was bourn when Deitasterra did not save Zephyros, someone he loved. But hatred is not love. He thinks his actions are out of love for Zephyros, but his actions reveal it to be about him: his loss, his pain, his refusal to accept a choice she made that he didn’t agree with.

Let's go back to the parallel that Calla draws: the first scene is where she tells Dimitry no matter what her master's wish is, no matter how destructive, she only hopes it will come to completion. This isn't because she wants destruction. It's because she places Deitasterra’s/Lapis’ will above her own.

The other scene is Hugo confessing he doesn't care if it means the world will break, so long as he can have just one more moment with Zephyros, he is willing to do anything (even the most heinous things). When he says he doesn't care if the world breaks as long as he can have one more moment with Zephyros, he is pursuing his own desire, not Zephyros’ will. His love overrides the agency of the one he loves. He is willing to destroy everything for his own sake, even if it's not what Zephyros would have wanted.

Even if we argue that at its core, his destructive actions were a means to end to see Zephyros again he still did things undeniably rooted in his own hatred and contrary to Zephyros' will. Let's be fr. Cursing Martin, slaughtering the Han family, none of this has to do with reviving Arverna and getting his wish to get Zephyros back granted by her. This was all done to make Lapis suffer and satisfy his hatred. To prioritise your own desires over that of the person you claim to love, and to have your own desires be rooted in hate, is antithetical to love. In that sense, Hugo is being selfish.

now i could talk about how Calla had every reason to grow bitter; she was trapped alone for a thousand years. she had no one by her side, and you bet she was grieving Deitasterra for all 1000 years. that kind of solitude could have easily twisted her heart into bitterness or despair. Hugo, on the other hand… well, he was also a disciple so he definitely suffered, but he at the very least had a close friend by his side (Dimitry) and a far greater degree of freedom compared to Calla’s confinement. But this post is getting long so that's all I'll say about it.

That's the thing, no? Calla's love endured a thousand years of grief and came out still willing to listen. Hugo made the choice to indulge in his own hatred. That is what love is, and what love isn't.

Man it's been forever since I've been so Not Normal about a piece of media tldr: The Dark Lord's Confession webcomic is extremely good please read it

It's about love. It's about loving your friends. It's about loving them when they leave. It's about leaving because you love them. It's about loving them enough to stay. It's about loving your god when she doesn't remember being a god. It's about loving her even when it's clear she is not your god. It's about trusting her implicitly because of who she was. About trusting her because of who she is now. It's about hating someone in power who hurt you. About learning that person was you. About committing to make things right for others who were hurt. About remembering the pain and sadness of another life to make this life less painful and sad for others. It's about changing because you love your god. It's about changing because you love your friends more. It's about leading with hate. Leading with love. About generosity and what happens when you are too generous and about continuing to give despite that hurt. It's about asking for something and then enabling the other person to do whatever they like.

It's about so much and love of all kinds is at the center of everything. I freaking *clenches fist* I can't not think about it.

[pfc-nagi]

@bazpango here is the promised shitpost doodle dump. hockey sure is a sport

click for better quality | refs below the cut!!

x / x / x

[thathilomgirl]

This guy is like Sabro and Azz combined, but with Iruma's hair color and magic ring added into the mix

Truly a Nishi-coded character, indeed

[illusorysinger]

reposting this from twitter since i never put it here apparently. i drew it for the initial bunny outfit events but there's yet another bunny cafe event so here it is again, with original caption:

"POV you heard the Lords of Hell were wearing bunny ears at the club, and find out that tryhard human exchange student in your class is there too

+bonus post-shift snapshot

(THEY/THEM)"

[princema-k]

me n @nikolutke talked abt a hunter and leon outfit swap at one point and, well,

[ectocreature]

this is gonna be the first time i maintag art in like a week but hiiii everybody how you doing. werewolf au art be upon ye

To explain what's going on here:

Sometime after the accident in college, Jack ends up using an artifact that his parents used to watch over to lock away his werewolf half and render himself (mostly) "human".

(This is, of course, not obtained without some difficulty. Especially since the artifacts his parents once watched were taken by various museums, none of which were exactly public about what was in their storage. He's got that scar for a reason)

Then, during Bitter Reunions, Vlad tries to make Jack transform, to reveal the "monster" he is.

The artifact, which Jack is still wearing, cracks just enough that it's been slowly, painfully letting Jack's werewolf nature leak through as it continues to break. Turns out, 14 years using an artifact meant to weaken a werewolf to a mostly human state has consequences.

[chiropteracupola]

steadfast sailor, paper captain...

[sskk-manifesto]

(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

[docnukes]

Just wanted to clarify Vlad isn't a dsaf oc anymore (hasn't been for a while) and just a general oc... I did kinda rip off fnaf/dsaf's design elements of drawing humans but that's because it's easier to draw that way. Hashtag awkward!!!

[brionysea]

I have been reminded that s3 is one big sigh. my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined

[todayisafridaynight]

Religiously i think about one of my twitter mutuals pointing out how aoki's design is subtly asymmetrical while ichiban is more symmetrical

when i think of it, masato's design is fairly symmetrical as well isnt it.....

[technologyvoid]

Aha

Hi anxiety (?)