#that episode meant so much to me I can’t cope

[thasminlove]

Having the doctor being allowed to rest, being allowed to heal, being allowed to be part of their best friend’s family, be an aunt/uncle* to Rose, and have joy and peace in their life without being as afraid of losing it, after all they’ve been through, is everything to me. It also allows Ncuti’s Doctor to heal and have more joy and love in their life, whilst still recognising and carrying that loss.

*I can’t remember the gender neutral term atm sorry. Yes I am nonbinary lmao.

[shorthaltsjester]

the thing is that the “laudna or delilah” debate i think actually misses the complexity of laudna as a character — which i think actually gets magnificently illustrated when marisha talks about and chooses her actions as laudna. like in the game, she tends to act comfortably as laudna even in those delilah filled moments once the initial indication has been made by matt that laudna feels that presence particularly in a given way. but the vehicle of a ttrpg as the medium in which laudna exists and interacts means that there is intractable ambiguity in the “did laudna do this or did delilah?” because the answer is always at the same time that both of them chose it as it is that laudna did, because matt always brings in delilah as a reaction to the choices made, either by laudna in the narrative or by marisha as the creator orienting laudna’s choices. like tonight, marisha certainly didn’t say I’m Looking At This Sword Appealing to Delilah, but she did have laudna who was traumatized by that sword engage with it while also engaged with an action she has pointedly and continuously accounted as a coping mechanism from years of solitude with nothing but the voice in her head. laudna didn’t choose to have delilah in her mind, but she did choose to ask for more power, she did choose to act without orym’s input, she did choose to use her form of dread, whether or not she chose the form which it took. especially with the the indicators that this is a storyline alluding to addiction (something i’ve long suspected but has now been affirmed by marisha in the cooldown), it is extremely compelling that laudna is both insistent of her own responsibility when it comes to intentions but is absolutely avoidant to the point of absolute denial when it comes to consequences. this was especially apparent when imogen asked if laudna’s choices and actions were all her own and laudna insisted they were, but then ended the episode with a form of dread the image of delilah briarwood fading from around her as she repeated “i didn’t mean it.”

it is particularly interesting when she is alongside imogen because i think the thing that is the most compelling to me about them right now si something that laura (iirc) alluded to in the cooldown about how imogen has chosen a significant turn away from predathos at the same time laudna has leaned in hard to delilah. in a lot of ways imogen has been very like laudna when it comes to the importance of intentions vs. consequences, at least insofar as her experience with her powers led to a different kind of isolation than laudna’s but still led imogen to experience situations in which she was confronted by the cruelty of thoughts much more expediently than she was with the cruelty of actions. and while laudna has experienced the cruelty of actions, she ties those intensely to bad intentions as well — cruel actions come from cruel thoughts. i mean, that’s what fun scary refers to — in that first interaction with those kids, we get a clear though undoubtedly unintentional insight into the perspectives that laudna and imogen both have on the cruelty that the world contains. laudna sees no harm in the fear she instills in those children because she loves kids, her intention was fun, her actions can’t be truly harmful if she never intended it. and interestingly, imogen disagrees that laudna is fun scary at all, she actually points out that laudna is scary scary, but in a good way.

and so we have this dynamic between two characters who have been the balms to one another’s solitude — which, as has been expressed in other posts, in both cases emerged from their commitments to their outlooks: laudna continued to appear as a witch on the outskirts of town, likely engaging in haunting behaviour if her actions throughout the campaign have been any indicator, and continued to run until, interestingly, someone who could read her mind was the first person to truly realize she meant no harm. imogen isolated because she was inundated with thoughts and turned misanthropic because of how often those thoughts were negative and cruel, until someone (who partakes in actions that can very easily be considered at least appearing to be negative or scary) had thoughts that were good. and they fell in love — with a confession scene where laudna raised concern that she might be a bad person, because she herself had ill intentions in reaction to bor’dor (absolutely mediated by deliliah, but her own emotional reaction that prompted that mediation). and imogen’s rebuttal isn’t a reference to laudna’s choices or her actions but to the thoughts she’s had that imogen has been witness to.

except. except it’s been months and imogen has a mother who had the best of intentions to start with . intentions that look a lot like imogen’s own, but now she stands at the side of a man willing to risk the entire world so that he can (ostensibly) no longer have to deal with divinity. imogen’s mother who allows the murder of countless people, of every member of the hells themselves except imogen, of oryms family, to get the answers and the solution that imogen herself is looking for. and as imogen has gotten further in the journey, the role of thoughts and intention has become apparent in its limits. because it’s true that they are important, it marks a difference between ludinus and liliana absolutely when it comes to likelihood that they might have a path for redemption, but it doesn’t mark much of a difference for the lives lost. and imogen has become much more concerned with this, i think maybe most clearly in her decisions around her last few predathos diving dreams because her hesitation hasn’t been that they need to consider the sides more, it’s been that, regardless of her intent to come back to the hells, to get information for their mission, her will might still lose the fight against the pull of predathos and if she’s forced to be this vessel which might allow it free, it might not matter as much what her intentions are when she dreams.

and at the same time. laudna has been confronted with the same evidence that her worldview might not paint a complete picture, but she’s still looking at that incomplete image as the whole. as is clear in her reaction to liliana, where she sets up her position to imogen by referring to her own love for her — for laudna, liliana must not actually love imogen, couldn’t possibly if the outcome of her actions is imogen growing up without her mother and liliana aiding and abetting (even if occasionally Maybe limiting) exandrias mage criminal of the decade. except, as imogen who has started to be checked on her flawed thoughts > actions perspective points out, that inconsistency isn’t one that laudna is immune to — laudna loves imogen and the hells and undoubtedly wants to see them live in a world they can thrive in, but she’ll also give up pieces of herself and make decisions without their input that have implications for those she chooses to exclude as evident in her choice with the sword,

and so tonight’s everything was delicious . when marisha’s interparty conflict beam hits it hits and it did tonight but the conversation between laudna and imogen was truly truly fantastic and so compelling because you get both laudna so locked into the familiar comforting behaviour that thinking that her intentions are all that matters is and being confronted by the fact that right now the consequences seem so enormous that the comfort is cold and imogen realizing that the thing that she’s been struggling through with her mother — and don’t get me started about imogen’s response to her mother saying she’s made her choices for imogen and the fact that laudna’s first explanation of why she chose this was a similar appeal to protecting imogen — is the same thing that has a hold of the woman she loves, though in different forms. and god, not to add another unnecessary sidebar, but laura is truly so good at coming up with heartwrenching prompts? dialogue? i dunno what to call it but the way that taliesin is insane with one liners, laura is like that with setting up conversations and then eventually spiking them into my heart because jesus the “i just watch. [as she plunges a dagger into her heart]” “i’ll always love you, i just don’t know what to do with it” “i didn’t mean it” “i know” because that’s the thing, that’s the struggle . ethel cain voice directed at laudna and liliana. imogen temult loves you but not enough to save you. because it doesn’t matter how much anyone loves laudna if she still believes in the necessity of delilah, it doesn’t matter how much anyone loves liliana if she still believes her presence at ludinus’ side is a requirement. and that’s not to reduce the degree to which they both have undoubtedly been trained to believe those things, but it is to say that both in the text and in the real world situations to which people love to refer when reducing agency to make characters more girlboss or whatever — it’s actually explicitly the role that laudna ascribes to her own emotions and choices and value that will lead her to a life where delilah does not have full reign.

the ambiguity and complexity is that as long as laudna wants (which translates to a need for her) her power, she wants delilah and whatever words that delilah will feed her to validate the need for and/or increase that power, which means that her actions are always her own, and the consequences are always hers to bear. the messiness is her continued insistence on separating intention from consequence — because laudna never means harm, for her it’s about protection, even power doesn’t seem to be power for its own sake. even with orym tonight it was about protecting orym from the sword, but also of course about finding power for delilah so that deliliah might also grant her more power so that she can help save imogen and the hells and the world. but that means when she explains to others she can make claims like i didn’t mean to, or that the choice was all her own because as incorrect to anyone else, laudna has completely committed to her founded belief that intentions matter more than anything else when it comes to the judgement of someone and their actions.

[dreamerdrop]

your posts on julian bashir get me so much ... can you say more on how you see him as already behaving like someone with sexual trauma as a foundation for his worldview 👀👀👀

OKAY. HI. FAVOURITE QUESTION EVER YES.

Alright, just going to preface this with “a lot of this is projecting and speculative and very much headcanon-y” so grain of salt, please.

Julian Bashir reads to me as someone with sexual trauma. Specifically, he often shows a murky concept of consent, both his own and for others.

TL;DR: Julian Bashir shows a consistent pattern of brushing off violations to his self (physically, mentally, etc.) as embarassing or not a big deal, almost like he’s just accepted that these things are inevitable, and when combined with his hypersexual behaviour, his general refusal to acknlowedge trauma or his personal issues, and his own issues with consent when pursuing others, it all comes together VERY easily to paint the picture of a person who has experienced some form of sexual trauma and has just internalised this as both his own fault and not a big deal.

Earliest obvious example is his pursuit of Jadzia, including a fairly notorious moment in the early episode “Dax” where she outright says “no” and Julian decides she really means “try harder”. Obviously, the doylist explanation is that it was the 90’s and we’re meant to find this dogged persistence cute. (And, obviously, Jadzia is apparently into this herself, go figure.)

There’s also “If Wishes Were Horses”, in which Julian is… well, he’s effectively woken up to be assaulted by a fake Jadzia in his own quarters. He reacts, initially, anyway, in a pretty rational manner, trying to work out what the hell is going on and tries to get her to stop.

Of course, she doesn’t, and Julian eventually just sort of. Gives in. Subsequently, he assumes that this was some sort of joke, and he’s… honestly a lot less angry or upset by that than he really should be.

Again, I KNOW the doylist reasoning is that this was the 90’s and we’re supposed to find his obvious reluctance to make out with an attractive woman to be something funny because ~men are always eager~ and ~women can’t be predatory~ or something, right.

But then there’s all this other stuff to throw into the mix on top of it. Julian’s augmentation, for one, is treated as a traumatic violation of his bodily autonomy by his parents. (Comparable to conversion therapy, ABA abuse… etc. etc.) (I mean, it’s treated as traumatic inconsistently, mind you, but it’s still worth taking into account.)

Julian exhibits hypersexual behaviours (and I haaaaaaate that this gets written off as just ~young men are always just eager for sex~ in the show itself, because like, Julian is, imo, clearly *much more* preoccupied with sex than most people ever are, and I say this as someone with an unhealthy preoccupation on sex MYSELF) as well as a repeated longing for relationships as some kind of balm to cope with his issues. (Sarina is a particularly painful example where his issues end up harming someone else, but his relationship with Ezri absolutely SCREAMS “I’m stressed and miserable and think nothing good will ever happen again and I need something to make me feel like I’m normal”.)

We also have several examples of Julian reacting to traumatic incidents like they’re… nowhere near as big a deal as they actually are. He has his body snatched in one early episode, and considers the whole thing to have been “humiliating” rather than, y’know, a horrifying violation of his bodily autonomy.

Anyway, there’s probably plenty of extra stuff I’m missing here, but my point is: Julian Bashir shows a consistent pattern of brushing off violations to his self as embarassing or not a big deal, almost like he’s just accepted that these things are inevitable, and when combined with his hypersexual behaviour, his general refusal to acknlowedge trauma or his personal issues, and his own issues with consent when pursuing others, it all comes together VERY easily to paint the picture of a person who has experienced some form of sexual trauma and has just internalised this as both his own fault and not a big deal.

… Ahem, I also have a fic on this topic if you want some whump.

[lcvejoy]

i want you to stay

wilbur soot x gn!reader

tw: crying? breakups? angst? hurt/comfort maybe ig kinda? very abrupt ending.

word count: 1,068

a/n: this is my first fic so be very gentle with me lmao. it’s angsty tho! we love angsty! angsty is so fun! sorry in advance this prolly isn’t the grandest, but it’s a start!

it’s been 4 months. it’s meant to be easier by now.

the breakup had been mutual. you thought that mutual breakups were supposed to be easier to cope with but these 4 months have proven otherwise.

you wish it had been messy. that there was a catastrophic argument, a slammed door and car headlights.

instead, it was mutually agreed upon that you and wil were just at two very different stages of life. with his music and your studies, you both ran out of time for eachother.

at first, you and wil spoke often. you texted daily, he called weekly, each conversation still ended with a rushed “i love you”.

but that faded out. it got quiet. it got still.

and now it’s been 4 months, and you’re sitting on your couch watching a re-run episode of a comedy show that hasn’t aired in 7 years while eating leftover take-out.

there’s a quick knock at the door. you rush to answer. you’re met with a mop of brown hair, eyes that hold so much glimmer you’d mistake it for a galaxy, and an all too familiar khaki coat.

“wil?”

he’s out of breath, leaning slightly against the doorframe with one hand while puffing out his cheeks as he takes in dramatic breaths.

“i leave tomorrow… f-for america” he takes a breath in, standing upright now, “i just wanted to say goodbye. i’ll be gone a couple months” he finishes, waiting.

“oh” you splutter, “okay”.

“okay” he agrees. he’s searching your eyes as he pauses. the pause feels too long. there’s a feeling of wariness, both of you are unsure exactly what to say.

“well… b-bye” you finally mutter, looking down at your feet.

he lets out a breath. “bye” he whispers, and begins turning around to walk off your front porch step. you stay planted where you are, refusing to watch him walk away but listening to each step he takes.

he stops abruptly. you can hear his shoes plant themselves under pebbles, can hear him taking long inhales and shaky exhales. you wait.

“ask me to stay.” his voice comes out shaky. you look up, he’s facing away from you, looking down at his feet as he plays with the hem of his coat.

“what?” you ask, though it sounds more like a plea coming from your lips. “please” he mutters, turning around to face you. you lock eyes for the first time in months. you realize you can no longer read his expression. you can’t tell what he’s feeling just by looking at his eyes. it breaks you a little more.

“a-ask me to stay. please, just ask me to stay” he whispers just loud enough for you to hear it, like it’s a secret he’s been keeping. his eyes are glossed over. you feel your own begin to well-up with tears.

“i’ll stay if you ask” he shakes his head, looking back down at his feet. “i-i’ll do anything you ask. i’ll call off the whole tour. i-“ his voice breaks, he looks back up at you, both of your cheeks wet with tears. “please” he begs.

you shake your head, closing your eyes to force yourself not to look at him. he waits for you to answer, to think, to feel. he’s always been patient with you.

you open your eyes to meet his - “i cant” you whisper, “you want this too badly, wil”.

“i want you more” he responds quickly, with a firm but wavering voice, “i want you more” he repeats, as if convincing himself it’s true. you shake your head again, squeezing your eyes shut as you let out a sob. the tears are pouring now.

“i-i cant ask you to drop your whole tour just for me, wil. even if you want me to, i couldn’t-i cant do that” you pause to take a shuddered breath, looking at him once again. he stands there, staring, tears streaming down his cheek like a waterfall. “i would never do that” you finish. you stare at one another, both of your tears never falter.

finally, he breaks.

his knees buckle from underneath him as he falls to the ground. sobs wrack his whole body. he brings his hand up to his eyes to shield you from seeing his face as it crumples.

“wil?” you start, edging toward him slowly.

“wil?” you try again, slowly lowering yourself in front of him to match his height.

his breathing is sporadic as he tries to calm down his sobs, desperately wiping his tears on his sleeve.

“im sorry” he chokes out, as he continues to fall apart in front of you. you place a hand on his shoulder in a desperate attempt to comfort him. “i just-“ he continues “i just really fucking miss you” he looks up now, his face red and splotchy from the tears, his nose running, his hair messier than ever. “i miss you and i-i would do anything you asked of me if it meant i get to come home” he whimpers.

your chest hurts - as if your already shattered heart has just been smashed into a million unfixable pieces. you look at him desperately, like you’re asking him how do i fix this? tell me how to fix it. how can i take your pain away?

“you can come home” you whisper, new tears gather in your eyes, “i-“ you take a deep breath “c-can you stay the night? i haven’t been sleeping well”.

his eyes widen with an almost childlike astonishment.

“just for tonight” you state “and tomorrow you’ll go on tour as planned. and we’ll call everyday until you come back home. y-you can tell me about how awful america is through each city”

he laughs wetly, wiping his remaining tears on his sleeve once more. you do the same.

he grabs both of your hands in his and begins to stand, causing you to follow his actions. he grips tightly, almost hugging your hands into his chest. “okay” he whispers.

you smile lightly at him and begin leading him into the front door, where you both have countless memories and you both hope to make countless more.

you lead him to the bed that never quite felt like yours without him in it, and, like muscle memory, you lay together like you had once done every night.

you don’t have much trouble sleeping that night.

[thatgenderfluidmonstrosity]

Guys I can’t take this

Omg

Loved Act 3

Spoilers ahead for Season 2 as a whole

Cried

Cried so hard

Vi x Caitlyn forever

Caitlyn looks sick with her eye patch (positive)

I hope Vi is able to cope with Jinx’s absence. I also hope Vi and Ekko start to try and hang out more. After all, of the original Undercity crew, they are all they have left.

Jayce x Viktor forever

I’d like to think that they are in their own universe together. Just them, forever connected.

I love that Viktor didn’t end up being forever evil. He fixed what he caused and he did it with his partner. I will forever love Viktor

Miss Sky. I loved her.

Miss Jinx

(Idk if it’s widespread but there is the idea that Jinx is still alive, because there is a spark of pink after the explosion with Warwick, maybe signaling that Jinx escaped, then there is the scene where Caitlyn is looking at the tunnels that lead out of where Vi, Jinx, and Warwick were stuck, then there is the big blimp airship that is shown flying away at the very end of the last episode, which we are meant to assume is Jinx because of how she mentioned in season 1, episode 1 that she wanted to ride in one someday, and finally there is the “the end” screen which is in her art style)

Long live Vander

I loved him so much, and I knew there was little chance of us getting him back, but still. I had some hope. Just a little.

Love Ekko

I hope my boy is doing okay. He deserves so much. Just like everyone else.

Where is Heimerdinger, btw??

Love Mel

She’s so freaking amazing. I love her glowing eyes and her powers and stuff. She’s just so gorgeous and awesome.

Long live Isha

I hate that the only thing that we can really infer about her death is just the fact that Jinx is really hurt by it. I hate that there was no show of a memorial, even just a small one. No mention of her by name. It makes me really sad. I know she wasn’t forgotten, but I still would’ve liked to see something.

Screw you Ambessa

I knew you had some good intentions for the “betterment of your family” but girl… come on. Bloodshed cannot save or fix anything. Maybe temporarily, but it will never be stable enough.

Sad that Maddie was evil

I wish that we would’ve gotten a few more hints. I knew from certain theory videos that she would end up being bad, but it just didn’t seem like a possibility for a while. But it was still a great betrayal scene.

[piniatafullofblood]

disclaimer: these are just my raw feelings and immediate reaction because I’m feeling really hurt and sad about this and I can’t talk to anyone irl about it. this is a vent post, not me genuinely trying to psychoanalyze this ending in good faith.

mha 430 leak spoilers and the uncut unfiltered feelings of a physically disabled teenager about it

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god okay.

so I’m fifteen, right. I’ve been caring about this show for 1/3rd of my life. I’ve been caring about these characters sometimes more than I care about irl people for. 1/3rd of my life.

and I’m physically disabled. I’ve been physically disabled my entire life, it wasn’t like an accident or anything. (minorly, but it’s obvious when you look at me and I was raised in military/christian spaces during childhood so it ended up affecting me a lot.) and I’ve always seen quirklessness as an allegory for disability. that’s always been what it meant to me.

and from the beginning I was ready for it to be about conformism, right? like if you only conform and work hard enough and bend over backwards to meet the expectations of society you can succeed. that’s what I’ve known that this show was about ever since the training montage in episode one. I had made myself content with the fact that the narrative is sort of pro system, pro police, pro stfu and cope. and the first time I watched it, I recognized the ‘greatest hero’ vs ‘number one hero’ line in episode one. I knew that that would probably be how it ended. but I really, really, wasn’t prepared for this.

he.. failed.

his stint with a quirk, in the limelight, was for a year and a half while he was in highschool. he never got to be a hero. he’ll spend the rest of his life thinking about ‘that time when I got so fucking close’. people will stop remembering him for the sports festival and by the time he’s a teacher he’ll have to show them old clips from it to explain why he’s teaching at a hero school.

and he did it all perfectly. he did it all perfectly. as soon as he was given a chance he trained hard and fought harder, and put in all the work to become a great hero. he analyzed and trained and thought and worked and he did everything right.

and then in the end he wasn’t able to keep it.

I was ready for the ending to be about conformism. I wasn’t ready for ‘you will never be fucking good enough, and if you weren’t born with an advantage, you won’t suceeed.’

although, maybe I should’ve been, with the ‘all men are not created equal’ talk in the beginning. I wasn’t ready for him to fail. out of all the anime’s I’ve watched, Izuku midoriya was the protagonist that deserved to win the most. he deserved to be happy. he did everything right. this is all he ever wanted out of his life.

and now he becomes a teacher, and has to watch from the sidelines as Bakugo succeeds without him. which is never what anyone wanted, much less Bakugo. we’re back at the beginning, back where we started. Katsuki succeeding and being great and Izuku watching from the sidelines and cheering him on. and maybe it’s much less contentious now, and maybe they will both know that Izuku is more of a hero, but that doesn’t fucking matter. from someone who had the consolation prize of moral dignity their entire life- it really, really, doesn’t change anything. it doesn’t matter. that doesn’t change the reality that he’ll spend his days watching all their fights on TV and he hasn’t seen the rest of the class for eight fucking years. I know that there are alternative ways to see the ending. I know this is probably not the intention horikoshi had with this ending. but this is how it impacted me and I’m not gonna stop saying it. once a fucking cripple always a fucking cripple, or whatever.

I always knew it would probably have an unsatisfying ending. that it might hurt me. that the cultural differences would probably only lead to my over sensitive ass being hurt and sad. but I wasn’t ready. he deserved better. izuku deserved better.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

What are your opinions on each of the songs? (you can answer with as much or as little detail as you'd like)

Big shocker that the songs from the 2 good episodes are in S and the only one that isn’t is still B tier/sar

The first 2 songs in S made me either tear up/shake violently or cry, and therefore they deserve to be up there IMO. Out for love is also just genuinely catchy and had actual build up to it. Also God “Ready for This” just. OOUGGGHHH IT SCRATCHES MY BRAIN SO GOOD LIKE A WARRIOR CATS MAP. I like it a lot. You cant have multiple characters sing about working together and expect me to NOT cry.

“Stayed Gone” isn’t one I listen to often but it’s so peppy and fast and full of hatred I can’t help but enjoy it. Also everytime the song starts my brain does this

I dont know anything about Welcome Home

I have. Issues. With “Loser, Baby” but aside from those the song holds a lot more weight to it than I usually give it credit for. And for as cheesy as the start if it is, the line before of Angel talking about self destructing resonates with me a lot. Also Husk lays down in a puddle of vomit and no one talks about that ever.

I think the first song in B is “Happy Day in Hell” and I’m adding it there 1. Because it is the first song 2. It gets a reprise thing 3. Charlie almost gets hit by a truck. Other than that it’s not really my favourite but I respect the impact it has.

“Hell is Forever” just fucks. End of story. Alex Brightman killed it.

“Respectless” is good I love Velvette’s VA, but the sudden start of the song and the ending are so out of left field the first time me and my friends watched this show we had to pause cause we lost our fucking minds. Could’ve been better but I’d listen to it again, yeah.

“Hell’s Greatest Dad” is silly and funny and maybe I’m biased as a violin player and jazz enjoyer but a lot of the instrumental tickles my brain so nicely. I will say though it confuses me so much because why does Alastor care about being seen as a father figure?? My mom said it could just be him wanting to show up Lucifer and that’s it but I dunno.

“More than Anything (Reprise)” AKA “Charlie and Veggie Kiss Scene - Hazbin Hotel”

This song sounds like it’s straight out of Barbie & Th Diamond Castle and I’m honestly pissed the girls in the movie didn’t kiss so I’m coping with this. ALSO THE FACT ITS A REPRISED SONG ABOUT LOVE MAKES ME A BIT CRAZY. I never noticed this was the same song Lucifer sang to Charlie SOMEHOW but that’s actually really cute.

“It Starts With Sorry” Has a big part in Sir Pentious’s character growth and just his character in general. I’ve been working on this in my Pentious rant but I never see people mention how much this song probably meant to him. Yeah it’s super corny, but he was fully expecting to be killed and had just been told to kill himself. This was definitely huge for him and I’m not gonna be convinced otherwise.

“You Didn’t Know” is really good but Lute’s part is by far the best and I pray to GOD she gets her own song in S2 her voice actor can SING. GODDAMN! I am very interested in Lute’s character development and I love seeing what people do with close-minded characters like that and hopefully Vivzie doesn’t condemn her to Vivziepop Woman Syndrome. If she isn’t important in S2 I’m going to be pissed but I dunno maybe S3 if we get one.

“More Than Anything” Wish my dad was like this! This song is incredibly sweet and I appreciate it a lot. Honestly might go way higher on the list if I keep thinking about it.

“Whatever It Takes” Sorry you will never be Imagine Dragons. Vaggie doesn’t sound anything like herself cause her VA is making her voice so much more gruff for her character, which is fine! I like her voice (the voice direction is not very good but I digress) it’s just her voice is so high in this I can’t even tell it’s Vaggie.

“Welcome to Heaven” is boring, but we got a Molly cameo!

“Poison”. Read this and this and this. -10/10. I’d rather make out violently with Elon Musk.

[savagewildnerness]

I am not ready!

I’m so curious how Armand will portray Lestat & Nicki in this episode. I’ve just been relistening to Nicki’s death in TVL audiobook & when Lestat first meets Marius today & it struck me how much Eleni must withold from Lestat in terms of Nicolas’ madness & the sorrow & difficulty of it for him & for them. I kept thinking upon the closeness of genius & mental fragility as I listened to Eleni recount Nicki’s racing mind, wild invention & inability to cope with his overwhelming vampiric powers & his unconsumed urges, emotions & shattered belief systems.

It also struck me how like a continuation of Lestat & Nicki’s conversation Lestat’s first conversation with Marius is - everything echoing back to Nicki. Though Marius of course is very different.

Marius calls Lestat a true innocent, defining innocence as an absence of the need of preconceptions & Lestat wonders whether this is what Nicki meant when he talked of the light.

Lestat’s core “innocence” as Marius deems is is one of my favourite things about The Vampire Lestat. Obviously Lestat doesn’t fully retain the purity he has in this era, going on to have crises of faith. But here his stance is pure. He questions & analyses every thought from the purity of his own emotions & experience. And I always related so much to this.

Interesting, Gabrielle’s talk of toppling humanity - redolent of what Akasha will try… and Lestat here saying he would fight it…

Nicolas’ death is so sad in the book. And the way Eleni describes it: the inevitability & the silence of speech & closing down of soul with which Nicolas seems to sign off from life.

And the whole thing infused with this impending end; allegory to our own grieving & depressive eras, and the overwhelming sensuality of Marius’ arrival & Lestat drinking his blood. It’s strange how I don’t love Marius as much as many other vampires, and yet in many ways I find him personality-wise the most similar to Lestat, so it’s curious….

I wonder how the TV show will tell Lestat’s Father story? It’ll have to be different! Even Nicolas & Lestat’s story will have to be different- given the time changes. I’m curious.

Anyway, I reread the book only a month or so ago, but I’m listening to the audiobook again already now & oh this part is just so sad. I basically just want to live in TVL.

I can’t believe Lestat is so relieved he still has Nicki’s violin at Marius’…… but he’s literally about to let Akasha crush the thing! Crushing a Stradivarius- unforgivable!!!!!

[vestaclinicpod]

Audio Drama Sunday - 24th March ✨

Here’s what I listened to in order to cope with my shitshow of a week!!

👻 @tellnotalespod (S2E6) GOD it’s going to be so satisfying when Leo finds out what they’re meant to be doing and can state their role with confidence. I loved the ghost in this story, she really was living her best life before she started slipping 🥲 I’m so glad Leo could help! It was CRUEL to end the episode there!!! I hope Leo is remembering what the ghost just told them - it is better to talk to people!!!!!

🌲 @hellofromthehallowoods (144) I’ve said this before, but I wish people could see my face while I listen to these eps!! I was AGAPE at the end of the first section but definitely finished the episode determined to kill Marolmar myself with my own tiny fists. Also!! Mr Silver?! Who is this self-assured, suave detective? (I still love him). Then the whiplash of the Pig scene… yikes. A different kind of horror but I’m here for it - unless Marolmar is going to change the genre in his ‘starting over’.

🧳 Travelling Light by @monstrousproductions (16) oh, wow, I love the gortisay so much!!! what an inventive species and I loved the exploration of feeding as a central part of their culture! and oooooh we do love a secret! I’m so excited for what’s to unfold! The Traveller was chill but omg how is Óli going to react?!

🤴InCo by @itmeblog (S3E17-19) I can feel myself becoming more and more like Nova every day, except without the balls to tell people to actually fuck off.

🌨️ @thewhitevault (10) oh my godddd!!!! what an amazing season finale! I’m so, so glad that there is more to come from Goshawk because I’m so hooked! I feel like Lauren Tucker deserves some kind of AD Oscar for her performance this season, she’s an incredible actor and I want to hear her in everything!

I plan to finish off today with my classic Sunday evening Not Quite Dead listen while I clean the flat and mentally steady myself for the week ahead. The Sunday scaries can’t hurt me while there is vampiric chaos in my ears, right? Right.

[eruanee]

Kiryuu Touga and the cyclical narrative

TW : Discussions of misogyny, emotional manipulation and abuse, sexual abuse and (sexual) child abuse. (Very vague) mention of incest.

First of all, not really as a disclaimer but more as a recommendation, a lot of my thoughts about Touga are shaped by this essay, which is definitely easily one of my favorite pieces of Utena meta. I think I'm going to implicitly or more explicitly reference it sometimes, but you don't need to read it to understand this post.

I have a complex relationship with Touga. He is despicable, yet the more I watch the series, the more I find myself... fascinated by him. This post is a pretty much a synthesis of all these thoughts.

On a purely narrative level, Touga's role is a bit special. He's the antagonist of the first arc. The three duels involving him are all turning points in the series. He's a core character in the development of several other characters (Saionji, Nanami, Utena and Miki on a different level).

Yet, turns out he's only a puppet, just as everyone else is. How surprising. And when it comes down to it, what do we know about Touga ?

He's the Student Council's president. He seemingly can't have a relationship with anyone without manipulating them to his advantage. He sleeps with any girl (and maybe not only girls) who breathe around him in a 1 ft radius. His way of coping with depression is to seal himself in a wide and totally empty room to listen to his own voice on repeat to ponder heavily on his broken hopes and ideals. (Hmm. Hardcore.)

And more importantly, he wants power. A power that would be absolute. But why so ?

And this is the point where it gets complicated.

Touga is barely the main topic of episodes focused on him. He is the center of many obsessions and interests, but it seems we never touch upon him as a person. He can be seen being vaguely vulnerable in eps 11 and 12 and then there's the whole Black Rose arc thing. But where does all this mess steam from ?

Victim status

Eps 35 and 36 are the one going deeper into Touga’s character and yet... we’re barely sure of what’s actually going on in his brain. These episodes always give me a weird feeling because we don’t really get to see Touga express his feelings very clearly or freely... We barely get to hear his thoughts. 

Just like Anthy.

Don’t make me say what I didn’t say, though. Touga gets to have way more agency than ever does Anthy, and he certainly doesn't endure the same dehumanization as she does. Anthy does have agency in a way. But she expresses it in hidden, implicit ways : playing tricks, hitting people in their sore spots, sarcasm, empty eyes and fake smiles. She’s manipulative and Touga is, too. These two share many similarities, though they can’t completely blend with each other, of course. 

We don’t know much about Touga’s childhood. We know he and Nanami were adopted (or “sold”) to the Kiryuu family at a young age. That’s basically it in the canon of the series. Though, Touga’s backstory in the movie, showing him being sexually abused by his adoptive father, was apparently meant to be included in the series as well :

Although the TV series touched upon Touga’s younger days, the film goes into more details – the wound of Touga that was never directly depicted. In his younger days, Touga was a normal kid who enjoyed happy times with his friend Saionji Kyouichi and his younger sister Nanami. However, he came to know his unfortunate fate from the time he was ordered by his parents to wear his hair long. His parents sold him to the Kiryuu family. Although he was an adopted son on the surface, the instinctive Touga knew what that meant. And in order to protect his younger sister, he accepted his lot. Being sold. We did not go into depicting what Touga’s parents obtained by going as far as selling their son. We would like you to think of it as a kind of metaphor. 

And Touga accepted in silence the sexual abuse from his new parents. His personality changed while he made a magnanimous show of enjoying the abuses in order to prevent his personality from splitting. The change took place in a spot so deep in his mind, that even those closest to him did not notice. Saionji and Nanami never noticed out of their innocence. And Touga never told his secret to anyone. It is said that a human being gains whatever he lost in exchange. So what did Touga gain in exchange at that point in time? It was the sense of alienation from being abused every night and seeing his innocent friend and sister during the day. The alienated self.

(Extract of a comment Enokido, one of the writers who worked on Utena, wrote about Touga’s role in the Utena movie.)

Of course, you could argue whether or not the sexual abuse is canon or not in the series. After all, the series and the movie don’t seem to take place in the same canon (even though it is hard to completely disconnect the two). Whatever you choose to believe, I personally think it all makes so much sense. 

It makes sense regarding Touga’s general behavior in the series (but this is more touched upon in the essay I linked above) and it makes his goal and his narrative role much clearer.

Being sold like a mere object, knowing a much harsher truth about life Saionji and Nanami don’t know about, showing everyone a stronger facade in order to not completely lose your mind and keep protecting your friend and your sister from this reality and eventually... letting them know in a painfully gendered way, perpetuating everything this system has forced on you. 

It has all become part of you. 

Keeping the cycle of violence going became part of your blood and flesh. Making clear who is supposed to inflict pain and who is supposed to receive it. Who is supposed to protect and who is supposed to be protected. Who is supposed to act and who is supposed to wait. 

And you ? No, you’re never supposed to hurt anymore. You want a way out of this. For you, the easiest way is to simply reclaim the place that was always prepared for you to take. 

When Touga and Saionji found Utena in her coffin, it feels like Touga knew something Saionji didn’t. Saionji felt it too, but he wasn’t able to recognize what it was. After all, he was still a child. Touga knew about the same thing Utena learned with her parents’ death : they both had a glimpse of what the “adult world” (Akio’s world) actually looks like, shattering their juvenile knowledge of the world. 

A world where people die. A world where the weak lose. A world where the prince should protect the princess. 

Touga already had a coffin. Utena just found hers and was about to find a new one. Saionji was just finding his. 

It all makes sense regarding how obedient Touga is to Akio and why he seeks his validation, his desire to go up in the hierarchy aside. It makes sense because he is “alienated”. Touga got deprived of everything, he knows the burden of being alive and he’s learned, from his early childhood, to be compliant. 

He seems independent during the Student Council arc and a majority of the series, but eps 35 and 36 show he is not the mastermind of it all. He has a privileged position but unlike some other characters, Touga never uses his agency to try to break out of the system ─ he follows its rules and tries to reinforce his dominance. 

Why would you break out from a system serving you so well ?

“I want to become like him. I want power like his.”

Touga is alienated to the system and his only goal is to become what it expects of him. After all, why wouldn’t he ? Being a prince is the best position offered by the system. Being a prince means acquiring an absolute power. With such power, one doesn’t die and is forever out of reach and harm and pain. Who wouldn’t want such a thing ? 

The prince never saves the princess out of selflessness. He saves her because it gives him a reward in exchange. He saves her because it gives him power and control over her and ultimately, everyone else. And so, the princess becomes a "toy" wannabe princes has to win, to conquer.

Does Touga, even during what seems to be his most “sincere” moment in ep 36, ever wish to protect Utena for something else than possessing her ? When could have he learned to know and appreciate her as a person, rather than a princess ? A reward to conquer ?

When did he stop wishing he could’ve saved Utena just like Akio did ? I believe he might be genuine, yet he acts toward Utena exactly like she acts toward Anthy. He wants to save her for his own sake, regardless of her personal hopes and desires. 

It’s truly sad, though. Because all of it is nothing but a childish dream. There was never once a prince in this world. Only boring and abusive adults. 

“Are you really happy with that?”

Well, when it comes down to it, probably not. But was it ever about happiness ? Probably not either. The pursuit of power only ever leads to isolation, to a complete lack of meaning ─ after all, friendship is a fool’s thing. No one can reach what’s behind the facade. 

Saionji was able to confront Touga with his own lies and paradoxes, get as close to his real self anyone probably could. But it wasn’t enough. Saionji himself didn’t go as far as leaving the system entirely, even when it seemed he had cracked it all. Touga sort of did, too. 

As far as I’m concerned, we only heard his own, deep thoughts once.

“Kiryuu Touga, the playboy Student Council President... Is it? "Playboy" sounds old-fashioned.”

Touga weaponized himself. He weaponized his body (sex is only a tool to aim for power). He weaponized his heart (relationships only matter if you use them to your advantage. Those who believe in love and friendship are fools and will be ultimately be used to someone else’s advantage). And for what ? 

I really like the symbolism of the poppy flower in ep 35. I feel like it symbolizes Akio’s power, in a way. I’m incredibly bad when it comes to the language of flowers (so everyone is free to correct me) but please bear with me. In the East, red poppy flowers apparently symbolize romantic love and success (what it probably means for the girl confessing to Touga, as well as Akio when he “eats” it in this scene, since Touga and him are talking about Utena) but it can also symbolize “luxurious pleasures and fantastic extravagance”. In the Japanese language of flowers, red poppies can also symbolize someone “fun-loving”. I feel like both of these work with Akio and I believe that for Touga, they are a symbol of luxury and extravagance. 

Yet another girl confessed to him. Without even thinking about it, he kissed her. He will never read her confession letter, he probably didn’t even notice it. He will probably simply leave it on the floor, without a care. This pursuit of power isn’t even fulfilling to him, there’s absolutely no thought behind it. Only automatic actions, behaviors working in favor of someone else’s greater scheme. He won’t even get to actually possess Utena. 

He will never get what he truly wants. Is there even anything that he truly wants ? Saionji, maybe. In the meantime, he’s just a tool for a system. A system made up by boring adults, based on lies, illusions and unachievable dreams. 

Touga is condemned to go in cycles. He’s given everything to overcome what keeps him stuck and trapped, but it doesn’t do anything. He can only revolve around his own coffin, completing the same circle, again and again. 

He doesn’t know how to do anything else. 

It will never make anything he’s done forgivable. But at least, maybe one day, he’ll realize. Or maybe never. 

We can always create new roads, leading to worlds completely unknown to us, where everything needs to be built. Anthy and Utena are here to show the way, who deserves to follow these new roads is only up to you. 

On a purely personal standpoint... I was never really able to answer this question. 

“No. It's not over until we see it through the very end.”

[rahuratna]

I finished watching JJK Season 2 Ep. 18, and it is literally not okay. I take foreverrrr when I watch a new series because I *have to* savor every moment of it. Anyways, I finished Ep. 17 on July 2, so I purposely prolonged the next episode until after Nanami’s birthday since I knew what was going to happen but ended up procrastinating longer than intended…

I’m in literal tears right now and won’t sleep well for the next three nights. This is like the hardest I’ve ever cried for a character in forever 😭 😭

Can we discuss everything Nanami talked about on that episode? I’m sorry if I’m not clear in explaining my thoughts, the enormity of the loss of a fictional man feels incredibly real. I need more closure, and I am going to be rereading your fics too after for some much needed comfort ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Nanami expressed his exhaustion. He was so tired. He wanted to go to Malaysia and read the books he meant to read but never had the time for. Instead he chose to “[come] back over some vague reason like a job worth doing.” Here he was confiding to Haibara about his purpose, one of the biggest motifs in JJK. It feels so raw and human, how Nanami has such simple and peaceful desires but he chose to give them up without a clear reason. Did he regret it? Did Nanami have a fulfilling life? Did he sacrifice too much?

(Speaking of regrets, have you watched Attack on Titan? It’s such a big theme in that show and I can’t help but draw parallels.)

Even though he said that he did enough (more than enough I believe), he followed this up with wondering how Fushiguro and Maki and Naobito were doing. It’s like an oxymoron. The implications here… I’m actually not okay 🥹. I think this means he had fulfilled his role as a jujutsu sorcerer, but it wasn’t enough to save all of his friends. He’d always continue to look out for them. Nanami cares so much and wants to protect them, and I think this answers my first question: he didn’t regret it in the end because he did the best he could. I don’t want to come off as overlooking all of Nanami’s losses and setbacks… I just want to know if Nanami’s fulfillment, his search for his enough, outweighed all of his sacrifices. That’s the closure I’m looking for.

Rest in peace, Nanami. I wish I could tell him that he was more than enough and beyond everything we could ever ask for. I learned so much from his character, and without him, I wouldn’t have such wonderful discussions with wonderful people. 💙💙🕊️🏝️

Oh my God, that episode destroyed me. I also had to take some time to process what had happened to a character who I genuinely loved and admired so much.

I think what hurts the most is that Nanami had such simple desires. He wanted to live his simple life and enjoy little pleasures, but his desire to protect and serve others, the way his heart was all-encompassing of these few people he cared about, really led him down a different path. He cared about the world. He cared about the younger generation. He cared about his colleagues and friends and he was such a kind and genuine person. This is what makes his death all the harder to cope with.

I also wondered, for so long, why the reasons surrounding his return to being a sorcerer were so vague. The part where he expresses how 'exhausted' he was was very significant to me. The flashbacks to his time as a salaryman, and also the way he deals with Haibara's death, show a common theme. He was always tired. Tired of having to live in a world where selfishness and greed is rewarded, tired of having to run in a meaningless rat race to achieve the small peace he so desired, exhausted by all the burdens placed on the shoulders of jujutsu sorcerers, on HIS shoulders.

What you mentioned really is the answer. He was exhausted, but for a much longer time than just in the scene leading up to his death. In that scene, he asks 'haven't I done enough?' in a way that's heartbreakingly plaintive, and to me, almost childlike in its simplicity. Yes, he'd done more than enough. He knew it. And yet, his own conscience, his own body, would not let him run from duty, from the people who he felt needed him.

If the timing has been slightly different, maybe Yuuji arriving earlier, or Nanami missing Mahito, then we could speculate on what may have occurred. Maybe he would have survived, if badly injured. Maybe he would have retired and found the life he always wanted. But his duty to the world of sorcery, since his life was empty of true purpose, would probably always have sucked him back in.

On the question of regret, I know exactly what you mean. There's too much for me to put in one post, but I will say this. The only occasions when Nanami appeared truly at peace, or when he actually smiled, were occasions when he was in mortal danger (like being trapped in Mahito's domain in their second fight at the school). When he takes his glasses off and remains so cool, looks so peaceful even, he says that he has no regrets, because he chose to live a life where he could use his skills to help people. He says that their gratitude is all he needs, implying that he defines himself by how much he can help others.

I think, at the end, that Nanami's exhausted plea was the cry of a human being, as if to a parent or deity. Why me? Why do I have to suffer like this? Everyone asks that question at some point. In his case, he answers that immediately by wondering about the safety of the others. I do think that Nanami would have wanted, desperately, that peaceful life for himself. I think he would have, as an ordinary man, harbored resentment and questioned why he had to give up so much for a corrupt and greed-driven world. What he didn't regret was saving the people who he cared about, the people who inhabit that world, and that thought gives me some peace. 🧡🧡💛💛

I have watched AoT, so let me know your thoughts about sacrifice, too, and the parallels you draw. I'd love to hear them!

[cielles-random-vault]

a lonely night (miguel ohara x gn!reader)

‼️ consider this as the second part of the series‼️

disclaimer: it's still an ongoing series and i'll organize it when i will have written more episodes though i don't like the idea of a timeline bc it's like one shots and 🧍🏻‍♀️ idfk bro i js specified for clarity

this is the very first part of my lonely series! idk if i will make this series a miguel x reader only but :> even made my own tag 🦦

part two/one here !

also you don't need to read all the stories to like understand the plot they're js one shots and a good way to cope w my crippling loneliness (this is actually a call for help /srs

Warning: implied suicide (not really because it’s a cliffhanger but it may be triggering to some people idk so I’m still putting a warning.)

Also I’m not really sure abt the “don’t put words in my mouth” bc I’m not a native speaker but in case it isn’t clear I meant that reader basically said “don’t make me say what I didn’t say”

Also 2 there is no mention of gender bc I’m trying my best to like write for my fellow enby pals but jk reader will be fem bodied.

Also 3 I’m asking this once again but please reblog this if you liked it it helps small writers a lot please and fank yew

Also 4 BIG THANKS TO DEEPL WRITE FOR PROOFREADING THIS WHEN I WAS LAZY TO IT MYSELF some AIs need their ass ate fr

(ignore the random ass banner lmao)

You were chilling on a rooftop before you felt a familiar presence.

-What are you doing up this late, carino? Asked the voice.

You didn’t know why neither how, but somehow you instantly knew it was him.

The one who was known to save every universe despite everything.

He sure was a good leader, sometimes he was mean, but it was all for the sake of the many universes he had to protect.

He was a good leader for sure, but a good lover? There’s no way you could count on that.

You loved him very much and you know how painful it was for him to show any kind of affection, but tonight you had too much of holding everything inside.

He put his hands on your waist, sneaking a kiss on your lips before sitting next to you, both your legs dangling in the shining lights of the city.

The weather was cold for a beginning of summer, but it was nothing compared to the cold residing in your heart.

Your relationship was bound to come to an end, and you were here for this end to come.

-Is something wrong my love? Miguel hastened to ask when he noticed your expression was off.

-Do you truly love me? You asked, ignoring his question.

He stiffened at the hearing of your question.

-Of course, why wouldn’t I? he asked worried.

-Listen. I’m going to be straightforward with you. I’m pregnant. And I want the baby to have both parents when they grow up. And I think, with both of us being heroes, this won’t work. Don’t put words in my mouth, I do love you with all my heart and you know it. But I can’t do it anymore. (tears start falling on your cheeks but you continue anyway:)  I am grateful for all the things we lived but I think our relationship is meant to end anyway. I’m sorry but I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

You stood at the edge of the building and disappeared in a snap.

-Goodbye, Miguel.

~~~~

You woke up in a hurry, instinctively looking for your husband.

-Is everything ok, my love? Miguel was quick to ask. (he put a hand on your forehead) did you catch a cold or something? You seem to have a fever.

-I’m okay don’t worry! You say with a frank smile. I just had a nightmare but nothing to worry about I promise.

-Mm. If you say so, he said with a tint of doubt in his voice. I’ll stay in bed with you just in case something happens, ok?

Without waiting for your response, he forcefully got into your bed, which made you move.

You inevitably fell into your husband’s arms as he put his arm on your shoulder with your head on his chest, feeling his soft breathing and hearing his heartbeat.

Despite everything, the work he had, the countless nights you spent waiting for him to return home, even wondering if he ever would, the arguments, you were in love with him. And it even if it was hard, he and him only was the one you decided to love.

And that was beautiful.

[unabashegirl]

Enticing 25 (HS)

Summary: Harry is a young billionaire and CEO of his own company. He mostly keeps to himself, he is stern and very meticulous when it comes to business. He also likes to keep his personal life very private for the sake of his newly born son Oliver Styles. It isn't until he meets Y/N Y/L/N that everything changes. She becomes his new nanny after his previous one quits due to personal reasons. She is young, caring, and sweet. Will they ignore their feelings? Will Harry's girlfriend accept their love and leave them? Will she be able to cope with his busy agenda? What about Oliver's mother? Where is she? Who is she?

— all enticing episodes

Click below and join our community to continue reading Different or Enticing. Check our different tiers one for $3.00 USD or get access to both series for $5.00 USD!

Author’s note: Ugh! I can’t wait for all of you to read what I have planned for this series. It’s all I think about lately. I’ve even gotten my boyfriend involved. A boyfriend that I have turned into a Harry lover with my own obsession. I confess that I’ve just recently let him into my little secret world. He had been suspicious of it but hadn’t said anything. Last week, I confessed everything to him, and it was such a relief especially because he is now a big supporter of it all. He even gives me ideas. Anyway, enough about me! Let’s get started. Happy Reading everyone!

A robust silence settled in the room. The only sound came from the turbines of the jet. Her comment had just hurt him more than she expected but accusing her of cheating had been the ultimate betrayal for her.

“I’ve loved you. For a long time now” she cried, “but do you think you’ve realized? That I have been completely devoted to you? You’ve been so busy, thinking that I am cheating on you. That you’ve forgotten everything else happening around you.” The tone of her voice had toned down, and her muscles had relaxed even though her throat had tightened, and her heart was still having palpitations.

He didn’t say anything but just stared back at her. Harry had nothing to say. He was in utter shock. He was speechless.

“And even though it pains me, I can’t.” Y/N sniffed, “You’ve hurt me, and I’ve trusted you until now, and we are just not meant to be” Y/N was inconsolable, she never thought that their relationship would come to an end as quickly as it had. “This is it then” She wiped her tears. “We are done”. She looked at him one last time before leaving the bedroom and locking herself up in the bathroom. Y/N just needed privacy. Her heart had just been ripped out.

She sat on the toilet after putting the top down and held herself and covered her mouth not wanting to make a sound. Y/N just wished that Harry would have said something to her. She never expected him to remain silent. She always thought that he would fight for her until the very last moment. Unfortunately, it only meant for her that he never liked her as much as he said and that broke her.

Y/N stayed in the bathroom for almost two hours and only left when she heard that the coast was clear. She quietly left the bathroom, and from where she stood, she could see the back of Harry’s head. Therefore, she locked herself in the bedroom and prayed that that jet landed soon rather than later. She lay on the bed and cried until she fell asleep.

Y/N was woken up by knocks on the door.

“Y/N?” It was Violet. “We have landed. We are just waiting for you. Are you all right?” She kept asking as she looked back at Michael, who impatiently waited with her outside. They had landed almost twenty minutes ago, and when they hadn’t seen Y/N they had worried. Michael and Violet had no idea what had happened between the couple, but they knew it was serious.

“I am fine. Must have fallen asleep” Y/N yelled back as she got up from the bed and opened the door.

Violet smiled at her; she could tell that she had been crying.

“Come on. Let’s get you home” Michael said to her, leading her out of the jet and to the car where Harry was waiting for. “We’ll see you soon” Michael smiled at the troubled couple and waved as he wrapped an arm around Violet.

“Where were you?” Harry asked her, as he looked through his phone.

“Sleeping,” she said coldly, sitting as far as possible from him.

Y/N tried her best not to cry in front of him, but it was impossible. The tears just kept coming, so she faced the window and tried her best to distract herself from what was happening inside.

Harry kept looking over at her but never said a word. She could feel his heavy stare on her, but she tried to ignore it. If he wanted to say something, he needed to say it aloud and on his own. Y/N was tired of forcing feelings and words out of him.

The car arrived at the apartment lobby and Y/N was the first out of the car. She knew what she needed to do, and she dreaded it. Breaking up with Harry wasn’t the hardest thing she had to do, saying goodbye to Oliver topped the list.

“We need to talk,” Harry said as soon as the doors of the elevator closed.

“There is nothing left to be said, Harry” Y/N said sharply.

“There is lots to say” He turned to her. “You haven’t let me speak”.

“I have, and you didn’t say anything” She swallowed back her tears and watched the floor numbers change, “I am going to pack my things and move out,”. Y/N stated as the elevator doors opened, and they stepped into the penthouse.

“You can’t just leave like this Y/N” Harry called out at her as he followed her up the stairs and into her bedroom.

“This is no longer healthy for either of us. You think I am cheating on you, and you keep lying to me. How do you expect us to move on and build a good relationship when there is no trust?” She pulled the suitcases out of the closet, the same ones that she had once arrived with.

“I never lied to you. I just chose to tell you when the moment was right. You were keeping things from me and having private conversations with your ex”.  Y/N looked up at him and shook her head in disbelief. “You can never accept that you are in the wrong, can you?”

She started taking her clothes off the hangers and throwing them in the suitcase.

“But I am not wrong! You still haven’t explained anything to me!”

“Because you made your own assumptions before asking me and let’s not forget that you violated my privacy” She made sure to leave everything that he had ever bought for her. The necklaces, the dresses, and the shoes. “Here” She threw him her phone which he caught swiftly. “Go ahead and look for the cheating texts that you so desire to read”.

“I am not going to look through your phone, are you mad?”

“Didn’t stop you before, did it?” Y/N finished packing her shoes and threw some of her other things in some bags.

“Just stop,” Harry said, “please stop, Y/N,” he asked her again as he watched her zip up her suitcase with determination. “STOP IT!” he yelled. “I can’t think” he exhaled when she finally stopped moving, but not before putting her suitcase on the floor. “Don’t go. Please let’s talk”.

The arguing was interrupted by a loud cry. Y/N instantly stopped everything that she was doing and practically ran into his bedroom. Harry’s yelling had woken him up.

“There he is” She cried as she picked him up from the crib. “I’ve missed you” Y/N mumbled as she pressed his cheek against hers. She settled down on the breastfeeding, rocking chair.

Oliver was still sleepy, so she placed him against her chest and rubbed little circles on his back, trying to soothe him back into a deep sleep.

“You are getting so big” she whispered to him, “I am going to leave, but it’s very important for you to know that I love you” Y/N’s heart shattered with every word. “We might not be together ever again, but I will always be thinking of you and wishing for you to grow into an incredible man” she sniffed as the words kept getting harder and harder to say out loud. “And when you are of age, you could always reach out to me, and I hope your father tells you how much I cared for you and the story of us. That’s the least he can do for me” She added looking up at Harry with tears in her eyes. “I love you Oli” Y/N whispered, kissing his head and rocking one last time. She placed him back in his crib and fought with every fiber in her not to take everything back and forgive Harry. This was something that she needed to do for her and her mental health.

“Please remember to follow the schedule and change it as he grows up,” Y/N said to Harry as soon as she shut the door. “It is important to keep his life structured”.

“If it’s so important, why are you leaving us?” Harry asked as he grabbed her hand and pulled him towards him. “Don’t go. Your place is here with us”.

There it was what she had needed to hear on the plane, but it was too late, and she had already made up her mind.

“It’s too late” She closed her eyes, savoring the last time that she would be in his arms. “Thank you for everything”.

And so, Y/N pulled her suitcases down the stairs and that's when she realized that the living room furniture was packed and covered. Harry had planned to move as soon as they returned from Italy to the new apartment where he knew that they would be safe. Seeing the future that Harry had already planned out for them, made her chest hurt.

However, that didn’t stop her from loading the elevator with her bags and waving goodbye to a teary Harry.

“Goodbye. Take care of Oli for me” and the doors closed...

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[teiasviago]

hey I'm the previous anon!

I kinda logged off for a while but seeing your answer made me want to ask so really, I'd love to hear about it from a screenwriter pov.

hope you don't mind all these questions!

as per the hot takes of this season, how do you feel about them? so fa the ones I've seen are:

pen not deserving forgiveness and being the villain of the show

the queen and the ton being too easy on pen

colin needing to grovel more

eloise having to be kinder to cressida and have her become besties with penelope by saving cressida together

eloise and cressida having to be endgame and eloise being the queer bridgerton instead of francesca

benedict having to be w a man or w a crossdressing sophie because he's bi

and, what do you think of the choices made by the team this season?

what do you think of franchaela? was it a fun twist or should they have avoided giving francesca the gay storyline?

what about benedict? his gay storyline this season and why just this season?

why do you think the mondrich are so important? could it be (like some people speculate) because lord kent is gonna be hyacinths gareth?

how you feel about the very modern twist on makeup and style this season?

what do you think of penelope continuing as lw and using her name and potentially putting herself in danger?

I've tried to ask as much as possible but if there's anything else you want to elaborate on feel free!

I don’t mind the stack of questions at all! It’s very exciting to dissect it all and answer them. Honestly, I have a whole document dedicated to unpacking and debunking lots of the hot takes I’ve seen because it’s so annoying to see people type with their brains off. Like, no shame if you don’t think while watching stuff—lord knows I watch something for the first time without much in the way of higher thought happening. But I also recognize that and take the time to organize my thoughts before I speak on anything. (Although that might just be a bit of a coping mechanism I developed because of my anxiety disorder that serves a good purpose generally.) This post will also be spoilery because I reference events from the books a lot.

Pen doesn’t deserve forgiveness/Pen’s the real villain of the show/QC & the ton were too easy on her.

There is no “actual” villain of the show. It’s fucking Bridgerton, like, be honest! That claim just makes me laugh because it’s like... You can’t fool me. I know a lot of people who say that are just indulging their internalized fatphobia. And in the instances when they’re not, it’s still plain old misogyny. On the topic of forgiveness, I personally did not read what happened as anybody forgiving Pen for what she wrote in Whistledown. I think, just like when Colin said he would never court Pen, though he had a change of heart, he never did forgive her.

The people that matter to Pen—the Bridgertons and the Featheringtons, her family—accept what she did and understand that Pen recognizes that she was wrong, would do things differently if she could, and not only resolves to do better but already in season three has demonstrated that effort to do better numerous times. Pen never asked for forgiveness, she requested clemency from the queen.

She gave her speech in front of the ton because hiding that she’s Whistledown implied that some of her best qualities—her cleverness, her passion for writing, her humor—were things to be ashamed of. But they’re not and in embracing her full potential, Pen defied the misogynistic idea pervasive in the ton—which her mother repeats throughout the show but especially in season three—that all women are meant for is bearing children. No, women don’t just have to be mothers and gossips, they’re full human beings.

Pen continuing the column is a good outcome for the ton because they eat her writing up. I remember how, at the beginning of episode six, everyone’s upset that she hasn’t published! They love her writing so damn much. And as Genevieve explains to Alice in “How Bright the Moon,” they all “feed off the nouveau.” They love having new information to gossip about, and what is better than the reveal of who Lady Whistledown is? They probably talked about that reveal all the way through Pen’s maternity leave (or as they called it: confinement) until she published her next issue of Whistledown as Penelope Bridgerton.

Some people just hate to see a woman succeeding. “I don’t care that your spouse worships the ground you walk upon and that the job you love is very lucrative, that should’ve happened to me instead,” sorta attitude is what I’m getting from Pen’s haters, lol. Anyways, all that to get to the screenwriting part of this: Pen becomes Whistledown as an outlet for her frustrations with society. All of her mistakes are reflections of the terrible treatment she gets because she doesn’t fit the ton’s ideal. As Colin said, it makes sense that Whistledown would reflect, at times, the cruelty around Pen.

It’s part of the mirror motif of the season because Pen as a character is a mirror for society. She reflects people’s best and worst qualities. She wants to be more than a wife and mother like Eloise, she shares Colin’s loyalty and kindness (someone has to specifically do her dirty for her to not be kind to them), and she is also deeply critical of herself like her mother, sisters, mamas, and debutantes. She also amplifies all those qualities; for example, when she writes about Colin adopting his rake persona, she’s taking the cruelty of him declaring that he’d never court Pen and turning it back on him but with a megaphone.

I mean, I completely understand why (and I can’t remember where exactly I learned this but I think it was in a live interview she gave during season three promo but I could be wrong) Shonda Rhimes wanted to adapt the Bridgerton books because of Penelope. Obviously she saw something in the other aspects of the series, but Whistledown/Pen is a captivating way of conveying information and examining the ton. Putting Colin and Pen’s season before Benedict and Sophie’s (and, of course, all the other siblings) allows the writers to even more thoroughly use Whistledown to examine and criticize the ton, which will go hand in hand with Benedict marrying Sophie in spite of her being a bastard.

Colin needed to grovel more.

I completely understand where this idea comes from but at the same time... Please give it some actual thought if you believe this. 😭 Not knocking Kate and Anthony, as an oldest sibling I have no choice but to stan them, but it is greatly to Colin’s credit that he approaches Pen the the very first episode of the season with an apology. Anthony isn’t able to do that until the last episode of season two because he’s spent every day since Edmund died repressing his feelings in order to effectively carry out his duties as viscount.

Colin never had any of that sort of pressure and because he’s also significantly younger than both Anthony and Benedict, he’s one of what I call the “sibling-kids.” They’re Ant and Ben’s siblings, yes, but in many ways they are also Anthony and Benedict’s children. It’s kind of like a teen parent relationship with C through H. Anthony, Benedict, and Violet are very much the parents: Anthony nurtures their minds, Benedict nurtures their souls, and Violet nurtures their hearts. Anthony preaches logic (advising Colin to straight up tell Pen he loves her, going on a second honeymoon with Kate since the estate is in good hands and love is important), Benedict preaches freedom (encouraging El’s rebellious pursuits and trying Colin’s drug tea), and Violet preaches wisdom (advising her children to follow their hearts).

Kind of a tangent but as a screenwriter I greatly appreciate the careful construction of the interplaying relationships in this show. With all that, Colin has the benefit of having three advisors in his life and is able to be a very sensitive person, so he doesn’t completely freak out and not know how to approach the situation. Therefore, he doesn’t go overboard with the groveling, which would end up making it Pen’s responsibility to lift him up and set him straight. Instead, he calmly approaches Pen and offers a very thought out apology. The onus is entirely on him and earning Pen’s forgiveness requires no emotional labor on her part. (And this is forgiveness because Colin doesn’t stand by what he said, whereas Pen does, she simply regrets the way she said things.)

It’s such a beautiful scene when he apologizes, partly because it shows the true nature of their relationship: when Colin’s hero complex, his rake persona, Pen’s wallflower persona, and her Whistledown persona are set aside, they are complete equals. They are their truest selves around each other with no need for duplicity or grandstanding. Colin doesn’t need to grovel before Pen for her forgiveness because he takes a mature route where he says his piece and gives her the space to accept his apology or reject it. He truly listens to Pen when she speaks and, as proof of his regret and dedication to their friendship, he offers to help her catch a husband—something she obviously seeks to do but which he didn’t previously know about her.

Honestly, if Colin had just done a bunch of groveling, it would’ve been boring because it means we wouldn’t have the Colin who took Pen’s silence to mean that even the person who was most interested in his travels no longer found them—and therefore him—interesting or worthy of her time. Because he came to that conclusion, he changed everything about himself in the hopes that both Pen and the ton would like the new him better and would take him seriously. The ton certainly does but Pen, who matters more than anybody else, doesn’t.

Colin has always been the type of person who thinks before he acts. The times when he doesn’t are in opposition and that’s on purpose. When Marina seduces him into proposing and agreeing to run off to Gretna Green, she’s manipulating him by using his hero complex to override his thoughtful nature. But we see Colin in his natural state with Pen a lot in season two, especially “The Choice” when they have their conversations about purpose.

Colin and Penelope have also known each other since they were kids, which is why they’re able to be their truest selves around each other. It’s why Colin picks up on Pen’s melancholy and probes her on it, and it’s why Pen immediately understands that Colin isn’t simply growing up when he returns in season three but is putting on a persona. They bypass needing Colin to grovel over his comment in season two because they don’t need grand gestures between them to convey that they’re being earnest.

Eloise should’ve been kinder to Cressida and should’ve worked with Pen to get Cressida a better ending.

If Eloise actually developed the maturity to recognize that Cressida simply wanted to escape her unhappy and tragically doomed life and went about achieving that with unsavory efforts, El wouldn’t have much of a character arc left for her season. As for Pen, she doesn’t owe Cressida shit after all that bullying, and she still didn’t decide to be vengeful. She didn’t disparage Cressida in her column, despite very clearly wanting to. Cressida not getting an HEA serves the same purpose as the Mondriches having to sell their club: only Bridgertons get happy endings. We see this concept even more in Queen Charlotte where there are no Bridgertons and none of the main characters’ situations are happy endings. We know how Charlotte and George’s story turns out, Lady Danbury and Lord Ledger cannot be together, and Violet’s home life is a far cry from the abundance of love she nurtures amongst her children.

Creloise should be endgame and Eloise should be the queer Bridgerton instead of Francesca.

All this nonsense about “the queer Bridgerton” is annoying at this point and I’m so glad that I haven’t had to see it personally surrounding season three. Now, aside from Phillip already being in the show, Creloise was never going to be endgame because neither of them are mature enough for that. Eloise is too focused on how different she feels from everyone else and trying to reconcile that with the idea of everyone having interiority and not being automatically lesser for wanting to get married and have kids. Cressida is too focused on finding a solid marriage and then escaping society for good. Eloise may not like society, but she loves her family and could never leave them behind. However, I do very much read their friendship as queer and think it was probably on purpose that it read that way to us. It’s just that it could never work out in this universe. (There’s always Creloise fics on AO3, it’s fine.)

Frannie’s story is perfect for a sapphic romance, which I’ll talk more about later, and Benedict is obviously also queer, which I will also talk about later. Additionally, from season one, both Benedict and Eloise have been thought of as queer, so I honestly have no idea where people are getting this idea of El being the only queer Bridgerton from. As if we don’t have multiple!

Benedict needs to end up with a man/Sophie should cross dress.

Every person I see saying that Ben needed to end up with a man gets blocked. I don’t need that in my life, especially not when Benedict is representation for me. I don’t think Sophie needs to cross dress in season four because the show has already dedicated a lot of time to Benedict going to little parties and experimenting. Benedict meets Sophie as the Lady in Silver at the masquerade ball at the beginning of An Offer from a Gentleman, yes, but he meets Sophie the maid while he’s leaving a house party. I imagine that he’ll start off the season having a pretty grand time hooking up with people, embracing his sexuality, and then he’ll be hit with the Bridgerton lovesick-itis where he won’t be able to stop thinking about his Lady in Silver. Sophie doesn’t need to dress up as a man to incorporate Benedict’s queerness into the season; he’s queer regardless, and there are much more tasteful—and likely—ways we’ll see that in the show.

Is Franchaela a good change?

I’m so excited for Franchaela I don’t even know how to express it. Like, yes, Polin is my favorite ship and they’ll never be topped for me, but Franchaela is a very close second. I was on board with the gender swap from the get-go because after the first two seasons and Queen Charlotte, it was clear to me that the people making these shows know what they’re doing and aren’t in danger of fucking up the stories they’re telling (despite what some may think). But it was reading When He Was Wicked that I really got excited for Frannie’s season. It’s the perfect book to genderswap because Michael and Francesca spend most of the book dealing with their grief for John and their guilt for falling in love with each other; they perceive that as a slight against John. Using all that guilt in the book and adding in all the emotions that come with discovering that you’re queer—for Francesca, because I assume that Michaela already knows and embraces that about herself. In the book, Michael accepts his feelings for Frannie a lot earlier than she accepts her feelings for him, and I think that translates well into a sapphic version of the story—then Michaela has to deal with Frannie not accepting her queer feelings for her. It’s delicious and we’re not even there yet!

I will say, though, that I understand the worry some people have that the writers may be mishandling Fran and John’s relationship by having Fran immediately have feelings for Michaela and seemingly display some doubts when she kisses John at their wedding. Personally, I think it’s too early to go around decrying the way Fran, Michaela, and John’s story is going. I don’t think Fran and John’s dynamic will be ruined, I think it’s simply a matter of taste when it comes to the book. Francesca and Michael are at the park together in London when Frannie very suddenly starts to view Michael in a sexual light and she gets very flustered, which is obviously brought to the show. But I felt that it was very random and not constructed very well; there was no reason given as to why specifically at this point in their lives, at this moment, Francesca started to view Michael differently. I’ll be happy with how it turns out in the show as long as Francesca isn’t secretly pining for Michaela. I think it’s for the best if she’s immediately attracted to Michaela, so then it doesn’t feel sudden later, but that she doesn’t actually fall in love with Michaela until after John dies and we get to their season.

What is the point of the Mondriches?

I talked earlier about how the Mondriches serve as contrasts to the Bridgertons, where the leads get HEAs but no one else does. In season one, while Daphne and Simon have their issues within their relationship, they ultimately solve their issues without completely compromising their morals. Meanwhile, Will has to completely compromise his morals in order to provide for his family. In season two, Kate and Anthony are struggling to meet their expectations for themselves, just as Will is struggling with expectations vs reality for his club’s success. Where Kate and Anthony are able to step back, accept that they were going about everything wrong, and have their HEA together, it’s only through Colin’s kindness that the club is successful. Although, in both cases, those outcomes are dependent on spokespeople using their influence to rectify the situation: the queen for Kate and Anthony, and Colin for Will and Alice. In season three, while Colin and Penelope don’t have to give up their literary pursuits to have success as the parents of a titled son, Will and Alice have to give up the club.

How do you feel about the very modern twist on makeup and style this season?

I don’t mind it at all. Some of the costumes are irksome (mostly when it comes to minor characters) but for the most part I liked them or at least understood their purpose. I mean, Cressida and her mother’s looks were insane but it fits the fact that they’re trying really hard. I heard somewhere that it’s not so much trying to find the perfect look for Bridgerton but that each season purposefully has a different look that fits with the story being told through the lead romance. So for season three, they take a page out of Portia’s lookbook and the ton goes a little OTT—even Charlotte goes for it (I don’t think she should have but my opinion doesn’t much matter lol).

What do you think of Penelope continuing as LW and using her name, potentially putting herself in danger?

I went into the season expecting Pen to continue writing the column and that’s the outcome I wanted. In Romancing Mister Bridgerton, she simply retires it, but I think it means way too much in the show and also has too many uses as a screenwriter for her to stop writing it. But it’s important that she starts writing it using her real name instead of the moniker. She’s claiming her writings and not hiding from herself anymore. In terms of danger, I think people are very much going overboard. Firstly, nobody is in danger of being beheaded, because in Queen Charlotte, Charlotte melodramatically wishes that she could still behead people because a servant had her woken up in the middle of the night. Secondly, the worst punishment would be imprisonment, but this is Bridgerton, and the queen’s rivalry with Whistledown is a fun game of wits, not a game of “how fast can Charlotte unearth this treasonous snake?”

As for everyone else, they don’t have enough power to actually threaten Pen. She hasn’t written about anyone in a way that would make them want to put her in physical danger, just efforts to stain her reputation, which is why she offers Colin an annulment. What Pen doesn’t know—and what we do know, alongside Lady Danbury—is that the queen wasn’t just in a good mood when she went to the Butterfly Ball, she went with a plan. She wanted to display her power in front of everyone to keep the ton in line but also preserve her rivalry with Pen so that she has something to occupy her time with.

It’s Bridgerton. The romantic leads aren’t actually at risk of death.

I hope I answered all of your questions satisfactorily! I had so much fun dissecting everything!!!

[vanderwoodlings]

I really am fucking obsessed with 2.07 tho. Like

S: When it's just the three of us, it's fine, but anytime she gets a new guy, she stepfords out and lets him make all the decisions.

E: I don't think that's what's happening.

S: Remember when we had to move to Chamonix because German Klaus wanted to ski all year round?

E: That wasn't so bad.

S: But what about Paolo—the raw food diet? Family colonics? Or Sameer? I know I enjoyed our—

E: I see what you mean.

See that. That would’ve been enough—Serena didn’t spend her entire childhood in the Upper East Side. That tiny fragment alone is fascinating! But the overall point that Lily repeatedly changes herself for men and that affects her parenting style, meaning that Serena and Eric’s home life was even more unstable than previously thought? That’s something to chew on. But wait—there’s more:

B: Oh, your mother. Remember how she always used to just jet off to Mustique or Ibiza without warning while you and Eric were still in school?

S: Eleanor always knew when we showed up with our overnight bags. Lily had a new boyfriend. We tried alternating between you and the archibalds so you guys never knew how bad it really was.

B: We knew.

Like, this is in-text neglect. This is “Lily was in no way ready or able to be a parent” level stuff. (And then you think about the Scott of it all and you have to wonder if Serena was in any way planned or if Lily just couldn’t do that again. You have to wonder.)

And there’s the idea of Blair and Nate and the first time that they ever really added how much time Eric and Serena had been spending at their houses, and the idea of these tiny kids doing their best to make it okay as much as possible, and Serena is trying really hard to parent Eric and make it seem as okay as possible, but Eric is entirely aware even if he can’t say anything because that would make Serena’s life hard, and so everyone’s lying to everyone else and they’re all trying very hard not to talk about how not okay it is.

Someone write the fic.

Still, we continue:

S: I remember this one time, um, when I was eleven. Eric and I wanted a white christmas. Luckily, mom's husband was a raging cokehead, so he left blow everywhere.

L: Oh my god.

E: It wasn't everywhere—just on the smooth, shiny surfaces.

S: Was that, um, German Klaus with a "k," or was it Danish Claus with a "c"? I can't ever remember which ones she actually married or which she just decided were more important than her children.

Like, wow. And you wonder why your kids have issues.

(And I focus a lot on how Lily is bringing unsafe people into her kids’ lives, but she’s also bringing them into her life. Just makes me wanna grab the gossip girl writers by the lapels and shake them until all the explorations of trauma fall out.)

L: Eric, my darling, you are always honest with me. It isn't true, is it?

E: I know Serena’s timing sucked, but she did pretty much raise me all those years. You just weren't here, you know?

L: I wasn't that bad.

E: Our ringtone for you was "Since U Been Gone.” Vanya the doorman used to sign our permission slips from school.

When I put that last bit into i won’t cross these streets, I got several comments re: ow. Because it is, in fact, painful.

But it’s also canon, and it’s one of the multitude of anecdotes that Eric and Serena give us about the pre-series era in this episode—like, the “Since U Been Gone” thing? That’s a whole dark joke coping mechanism shared between them, which means that Eric and Serena chose it together. Maybe it was as simple as Eric getting his first phone and being excited to give reverting custom ringtones, or maybe one of them straight up had a breakdown and the joke was part of a way to calm down. It’s not just saying Lily wasn’t there, it’s giving us all the little parts of what that meant—in anecdotes, in Serena’s stress response focusing so much on Protect Eric, in Eric talking Serena down at the start of the episode and coolly backing her up when she finally loses it

It’s a fucking gift that just keeps giving

[who-the-fuck-knows-blog]

edit: i wrote this like an hour or two after the episode. was in a really dark place. am only in a slightly LESS dark place. just want to emphasize that i dont actually. blame. djenkins or like. idk. i cant tell how i feel because i don’t want to blame creatives for the effect their narratives have on me personally. i dont want to make a bigger deal than is necessary i just dont know what is right and wrong in this scenario. sorry. ive seen people saying blaming him or talking about this is bad. and im just in The Horrors with my mental illnesses so i’m paranoid i’m doing something wrong here. I’m not saying djenkins meant for this to be the result. i dont think he would at all believe that. i think he meant for the best to happen. its not his fault or responsibility that i feel this way and that others feel this way. i’m mentally ill. i am not the arbiter of truth or sanity. i don’t want to delete this because its a marker of a vent/emotion/situation i went through. but it does not reflect my current beliefs entirely.

christ alive maybe think about shit for a minute like. to be like “i like when mentor figures die so i wanted izzy to die for eds growth bc he was like a mentor to ed”. ed spent the entirety of the first two episodes abusing the fuck out of izzy, izzy nearly killed himself. izzy got his leg cut off.

and then we think “okay. well clearly, izzy isnt coping well because theres no way that was his actual fault” yk. like sane rational people who have been victims of abuse in the past and used similar coping mechanisms to protect ourselves and our images of our abusers because we loved them.

we think “the show can’t possibly be telling us that izzy deserved it.” and then. he says “i provoked you. its my fault you attacked me.” and its not criticized or shot down or retaliated against. he deserved to get abused because he was harsh and wanted blackbeard to exist because without him he felt unimportant to ed. because he needed that closeness with ed but was denied because of their lifestyle.

what you end up with isn’t a mentor figure who went through the horrors and then died after a fruitful life. you end up with a man who was severely traumatized, suicidal, drinking to cope, telling the other man that serially abused him that it was okay because he was asking for it. a man who was just discovering he could be safe now dying immediately after.

i dont care if thats how redemption arcs or character arcs are supposed to go, if you are supposed to give this character everything and then kill him because his purpose was served. that message will cause so much harm to a lot of people. it already has.

please can someone talk to me or something. engage with me. i dont feel good. im feeling really really bad.