#that broke the immersion and the impact a little but i still enjoyed it
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baeshijima · 8 months ago
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I FINALLY FINISHED ACT VI AKA THE FINAL ACT FOR 1.0 !! honestly? a lot better than i thought it was going to be.
i wont go into spoilers, but acts v and vi are definitely the best ones story and cutscene wise, and the immersion in act vi especially was super nice !! i do wish we got a bit more closure at the end bc it feels a bit rushed imo, but honestly it will probably be carried on when they do the next set of story quests (probs next patch)
but now i can do jiyans story quest 😭😭 ...but ill have to do it tmrw/later bc its gone 2 am and i unfortunately need sleep so the jiyan analysis will have to wait for when i wake up 😔
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demonprincezeldris · 11 months ago
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𝐀 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐅𝐢𝐭 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐊𝐢𝐧𝐠
Happy birthday Zeldris! This is also a gift for @north-sta, who has made the cutest OC, and I couldn't resist making an adorable, tooth-rotting fluffy oneshot of the family to celebrate.
Enjoy!
The scent of flour and vanilla wafted through the air in the large kitchen. Standing precariously on a stepstool, a young child stood over the counter, their face scrunched in concentration as they smeared brightly-colored frosting over a cake. The counter was a mess, with various baking ingredients covering the surface, and even spilling onto the floor. 
The child muttered under their breath as they grabbed another hefty scoop of the frosting before plastering it on. They had been working on this surprise for a few hours now, and it had to be perfect. As they continued to coat the cake, the side of their arm bumped into a nearby bowl. 
With a startled cry, they watched as it crashed to the ground beside them, instantly shattering upon impact and sending shards of ceramic everywhere. With a small curse, they climbed down from the stepstool, starting to carefully pick up the pieces as footsteps rapidly approached from down the hallway. 
“Ignis? Is that you?” the soft voice of their mother broke the silence, the child glancing up. Sure enough, their mother was in the doorway, her eyes blown wide as she surveyed the chaos their child had created. “Uh, hi mama,” Ignis said sheepishly, their hands full of broken ceramic. Gelda stepped further into the room, raising a suspicious eyebrow. “What is all this?” 
Ignis quickly threw away the ceramic in a nearby bin before turning to face Gelda. They gestured towards the counter, where the cake was still resting. “It’s papa’s birthday. I wanted to make him a cake.” Gelda glanced over at the said confection. A smile soon made its way onto her face as Ignis clambered back on the stool, pointing at the little decorations on top. “That’s very sweet of you, Ignis. And you did such a good job. Zel’s taught you well,” Gelda praised, running her hand through their flour-coated hair. 
Said child smiled brightly in response, their vampiric teeth flashing in the candlelight. They grabbed a handful of chopped chocolate in a nearby bowl and spread it over the top of the cake. The words ‘Happy Birthday Papa’ were sloppily written across the top, with a crude stick-figure rendition of the demon king himself in the center. “I’m almost done with it, I just have a few more decorations,” Ignis said, spreading the chocolate on the side of the stick figure, arranging it in a way that somewhat resembled their father’s hair. 
“How about we take it to him after you’re done?” Gelda offered, “I’m sure he’ll love it.” Spurred on by the thought, Ignis began hurrying, their face scrunched in concentration as they finalized the finishing touches. Gelda chuckled softly at the immense concentration her child was immersed in, continuing to run her fingers through their unruly hair. 
It wasn’t but a few moments later that Ignis stepped back to admire their handiwork, seemingly finished. “It’s done!” they exclaimed. “Not quite, it’s missing one final thing,” Gelda said. Ignis turned to her in confusion. “What’s it missing, mama?” Gelda wandered over to another cabinet, rifling through the drawers as she searched for the final decoration to make it perfect.
With a small cry of victory, Gelda pulled out a candle. “No birthday cake is complete without a candle to top it off,” she said as she walked back over to the cake. She gently pressed the bottom of the candle in the lopsided cake, making sure not to destroy her child’s hard work. “Are you going to put two hundred candles on it?” Ignis inquired as they watched Gelda light it. 
With a small laugh, Gelda shook her head, slipping the cake into her hands as they started towards the hallway. “Of course not sweetie. One candle is enough. Now, let’s go surprise your father. I’m sure he’s still in bed.” With an excited noise, Ignis clambered off the stepstool, bouncing down the hallway to where their parents’ room resided. Gelda followed along, careful not to drop the cake as she fondly watched her child.
Ignis carefully pushed the door open, stepping inside as they peeked at the large bed situated in the center of the room. “Papa?” they asked, stepping further inside. They heard a light groan, before Zeldris finally sat up in bed, yawning loudly. His eyes softened as Ignis climbed onto the bed, crawling into his waiting arms. “Good morning, Ignis. How’s my favorite child doing?” 
Said child laughed lightly, wrapping their arms around their papa tightly as they snuggled close to him. “I’m your only child, papa. I made you a surprise,” they said, looking at the door. “Oh?” Zeldris quirked an inquisitive brow, following Ignis’ gaze as Gelda finally stepped into the room. Zeldris’ eyes widened, his jaw becoming slack as Gelda walked in with the cake. “Happy birthday, papa! I made it myself!” they squealed, bouncing excitedly as Gelda placed it on the bedside table. 
Zeldris sniffled, feeling tears come to his eyes at the sweet gesture. He held a hand to his chest, clutching his shirt as an immense sensation flooded through him. “You made this yourself? For me?” he whispered, looking down at them with a teary gaze. Ignis nodded, flashing a bright smile as she looked up at him. “Mhm. I did the frosting too. Do you like it?” Zeldris cupped his child’s face gently, bringing their faces together as he kissed their forehead softly. 
“It’s perfect, Ignis. You did such a wonderful job. Thank you.” Gelda slipped into bed beside the two of them, Zeldris’ arms going around Ignis as the cake was brought into their lap. Gelda and Zeldris shared a soft look, before glancing down at their child. “Make a wish papa!” Ignis said impatiently, bouncing in his lap.  Zeldris hummed thoughtfully, before blowing out the flame. “What’d you wish for?” they asked. The demon shook his head, running his hands through Ignis’ hair. “If I told you it wouldn’t come true, now would it?” 
“Nothing like celebrating your lover’s birthday by having cake for breakfast, right Zel?” Gelda laughed as she passed them all forks. Zeldris nodded in agreement, chuckling as he jabbed his fork in the lopsided confection. As all three started eating the cake, Zeldris couldn’t help but smile as he surveyed his family.
Out of all the two hundred birthdays he had in his long lifespan, this one was by far the most special. 
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owlzer · 9 months ago
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An important thing to keep in mind when you are doing digital prototyping is to consider your reasons for each prototype that you make. - Fullerton (ch8, pg241)
Although there is an obvious main reason of why I am making this prototype being IGB120. However, I actually have very little experience with game design. So this rapid digital prototyping has served as a great learning experience. I have learned how to use GDevelop 5, make assets, use visual coding, and playtest. I have been able to develop a wide range of skills in a short amount of time. Although I still have a lot to learn, I can still feel my improvement with each prototype as I continue to grow as a developer.
Week 8 - Racer Development Progress 3
Playtesting
During the playtest I got some very eye opening feedback on how I can greatly improve this game. Although the playtester enjoyed the assets and theme, there were some major concerns that they wanted me to address. First of all, was that there was no gameplay loop. There is no way for the player to restart the game without reopening it which quickly became a problem when a playtester died very early on and the game played on without the player's ship. They enjoyed the cola powerup however, it didn't feel that impactful and wanted it to feel faster and not be so easy to get. Coins also seemed less impactful as they appeared in one straight line and there was no way for the player to miss collecting them. The game also broke some of the player' immersion as the background didn't move. This was a new problem that was created by changing a highway to an ocean as this is normally not required as the background looked like it was moving due to the moving trees on the sides. However, as I have moving clouds and birds, this no longer works and the Player ship feels static. Additionally, they also mentioned that the speed of certain objects felt wrong which also broke their immersion (e.g. the clouds moving too fast). Although there were a lot of things for my game to improve on, the playtester still had a fun experience with my game which let me know that I was still heading in the right direction.
Development update
Wow there is a lot to go through here. So for starters, I really needed to fix my loop code that I talked about in my first development post. Although it did work, it was very messy and as I wanted to create set patterns that would spawn, I needed to make it more optimised. Once that was done, I created a new spawning system that would either randomly spawn one random object in a random lane or a random set pattern. This created way more diversity and challenge, which my game was clearly lacking. Speeds of everything got adjusted to feel more immersive and the cola powerup now makes every go at 3 times the speed which feels way more impactful. The game also felt awkward at the start as there is a delay before anything spawns so I made my own workaround (as I couldn't find a way to set a timer to 2 seconds at the start of the game) to get rid of that initial delay. Creating the moving background wasn't easy but I managed to do it using duplicates of the background that move down and teleported back up to create the effect. This was one of my biggest challenges of making the game so far as I really had to think outside of the box to make it work. Finally, to finish the game off I made a title and game over screen. The game over screen displays the player's points for them to see.
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References:
Fullerton, T. (2018). Game Design Workshop: A Playcentric Approach to Creating
Innovative Games. ProQuest Ebook. Retrieved
from:  https://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/qut/reader.action?docID=5477698
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hurlumerlu · 1 year ago
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Okay so, Playboyy episode 1, the bad first :
the acting is so rough in parts. And in some scenes it's fine cause that cannot be easy to play, but in others I'm just like. what the fuck are you doing. As often in those cases I'm left wondering if it's a "we didn't have the money for enough takes" issue, an actors direction issue, or if I'm missing something.
the show flip-flops between visually intriguing and/or visually funny and absolute & total blandness in a way I cannot make sense of.
The good :
Love how deliberately not sexy most of the sex scenes/kinks are. The terrible "cop" outfit ? the cringy flirting ? the standard porn lines in japanese ? incredible. it's funny, it's an interesting change of pace from the usual BL sex scenes and getting rid of the glamour feels relevant in an episode which has for whole thesis that everyone has to contend with sex one way or another
Like i said, the show is really visually fun sometimes. Not beautiful, I wouldn't say beautiful, but I'm enjoying seeing sets that have had a lot of thoughts put into their design. The choice to go for the #aesthetic rather than realism is great imo, especially when you compare how "normally' the playboyys are filmed during their little get together with the lush, absurd environment the rich boys evolve in. it's fully two different worlds and I love that.
speaking of #aesthetics I want to kiss whoever was responsible for costume design on the mouth. Those characters are dressed the way you'd draw them if you wanted them to stand out in a reader's mind. Real manga charadesign vibes. I fucking love it.
Nont (or is it Nant ? why do they have such similar names T-T) was on screen for so little time and still managed to have real impact on me. I'm invested in him, I'm invested in his quest, and his smug "you wouldn't know, you don't have a mother" was so mean - I love him already.
Probably controversial but I really liked the tense music/almost scare chords over Zouey trying to masturbate like. the guy's complicated relationship with his own pleasure is interesting and i. idk, I'm sure it broke immersion for a lot of viewers but it worked on me, I felt real unease both times.
The "could go either way" :
I have no idea how they're going to deal with Zouey's reticence toward sex in the future and I'm a little wary. So far I have no complaints but. you know.
Listen I am fully team playboyy and I don't think we're meant to take their "scamming those poor, fragile men" scene completely at face value given that it's their ass on the line if things go wrong but at the same time i don't trust tvshows to be fair to sex workers so. we'll see. I have hopes though.
Random thoughts :
I went from "Zouey what are you hiding ?" to "oooh noooo sweety" real fast, only to go back to "what the fuck are you hiding" toward the end, so at least the show is commited to keeping me guessing, which I appreciate
wow, Zouey's friends are dicks. also I get hat guy's annoyance at rich client's antics but like. not Zouey's fault, and I'm pretty sure anyone would refuse a blowjob if they had to lie on that coffee table with their hand behind their back for it. that shit looked terribly uncomfy even for someone experienced and you already know Zouey isn't. I know I said I was team playboyys but give that guy a break
how many kinks does First have ? put some back on the shelf honey you can't carry them all.
Nont (Nant ?) recording his investigation seems risky as hell but given the number of time we see the boys filming stuff/recording stuff/watching vids (and to a lesser extent Zouey's painting and all the shots through windows/glassdoors etc) I don't mind. I assume they're going somewhere with it and if they don't it contributes to the Vibes (also known as themes, probably).
I don't even think I've met all the characters in the opening and I've already seen three blowjobs. Not complaining, I'm impressed.
speaking of that, who is that scholarship student with the camo pants and white tank top ? he said like one sentence but I've already imprited on him.
kinda wish i could take an "east asian gay porn 101" class because I know I'm missing stuff ! I can feel it !
OBSESSED with that "play with me" tattoo. it's in such poor taste i could cry of joy.
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kiribaku-queen · 4 years ago
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The Blood King and his Queen [10]
Pairing: Bakugou x reader
Romance, Angst, Drama
Word count: 3.6K
TIGGER WARNING: 18+ scene, first time, taking virginity, vanilla sex. If you are not comfortable reading smut or are NOT 18, please read up until the line!
Summary:  From being a mere servant girl to marrying the scariest prince in existence, your world changed right before your eyes. Exchanging places with the princess, you knew, wasn’t going to be easy. But could you have found love on the way? Or was it never meant to be?
A/N: Happy reading my loves!
Thank you for helping me reach 1000+ followers! I have a follower event posted, if you haven't seen it! Requests are still open if you are interested. Rules are posted after this chapter and you can see them if you scroll down my page. Will be reblogging soon!
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It all felt like a dream. When you woke up from the warm, sun rays, Bakugou’s dreamy face was the first thing you saw. Eyes closed without a care in the world. You finally felt a piece and that everything was turning right for you, that this was going to be your new life.
There was nothing you wanted more than for you to be in Bakugou’s arms, and that’s where you were this very instant. His arm wrapped around you in a tight, protective hold, his face just centimeters away from you, you could feel his breath tickle your skin. He looks so peaceful when he’s sleeping. So relaxed and calm. You wonder why he couldn’t look like that all the time.
But happiness and euphoria came to a halt when you both became a lot busier. Especially since the ball was right around the corner. You were lucky if you were able to even hear his voice. He would be in bed late at night and you would miss him in the mornings because of how much of an early riser he was. Sure it was disappointing now being able to see him nowadays, but after this ball, you were going to spend the rest of your life with him. So there was no need to fret over it now.
You were walking down the hallway with Mina as she was teaching you more about how this palace ran. You got an idea of how your palace ran since you were basically everywhere. Bakugou’s palace was sort of the same concept, only a few things were different. You had to learn where everything was and how to run as queen and what better way for someone to show you than Mina. She was close to the Blood Prince so she had a good idea of how the palace ran. She was telling the history of the royal family, their ups and downs and their legacy. Mina was deep into conversation when a hand covered your mouth and brought you to a secluded area nearby. You make a sound of shock, but because the hand muffled the sound of your voice, Mina didn’t notice and continued walking on.
You were expecting your back to be slammed against the wall, but you were surprised when a hand gently stopped the impact. You came face to face with the one and only Blood Prince who had a smirk on his face.
“Katsuki!” your eyes welled up with tears and you immediately pulled him in for a tight hug. God, you missed his touch, his warmth, his everything. Bakugou hugged you just as tightly. He pulled away to give you a chaste kiss upon your lips. You couldn’t help but melt into him, your knees falling weak. Thankfully, Bakugou still had a good grasp on you.
“I missed you,” he breathed, letting your foreheads rest together.
“You stole my line,” you joked, kissing him again. This time, Bakugou was smiling into the kiss.
“Shouldn’t you being your princely duties,” you reminded him, trying to pull away but Bakugou wasn’t done with you just yet. He kept trying to kiss you despite you physically pulling away to talk to him. When he started getting frustrated with your refusal to kiss him, he started attacking your jaw line and your neck.
“Katsuki~” you whined.
“Let’s just enjoy this moment. I don’t have much time before they notice I’m gone,” he said in between kisses.
“You missed me that much?” you teased and you expected Bakugou to give you some snarky remark but he admit it.
“I missed you so much. I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he came back up to your lips, claiming you as his. He pushed your bodies together, your lips never leaving each other at that point. You both craved each other. After getting that first kiss out of the way, you weren’t afraid to kiss each other all you want. It was almost an addiction. The flavour of his lips made you crave for more. You were too immersed in each other that you didn’t notice a pink haired soldier giving you the death stare. Obviously, you weren’t going to look at her direction any time soon, so she cleared her throat, making her presence known.
“Are you done yet?” she asks, startling the both of you. You were quick to pull away from embarrassment that you got caught. But Bakugou, on the other hand, just stared at her while still saying in his pose: one arm around your waist while the other was bracing the wall. Mina didn’t hesitate to grab you, pulling you to her side.
“If you’ll excuse me, your highness, but I’ll have to take my girl back. I was in the middle of a lesson and if she’s going to be your queen, she’s gonna need to know this stuff!” she scolded her future King. She took your hand and personally escorted you away so she could finish what she was saying.
“Tch,” Bakugou smirked, finally standing tall and watched as his most trusted soldier took you away. Mina was the only person, besides Kirishima, who was allowed to be that sassy with him. He took another moment to look at your retreating figure before joining the rest of his soldiers who were resting against the wall, waiting for his highness to be done with his business.
As Mina had her hand in yours and continued to talk your head off, you kept looking back behind you at Bakugou. Mina noticed that you still weren’t paying attention and stopped in her tracks. Her eyes traveled to where yours was and her eyes softened.
“Are you listening to me?” she playfully scolded, placing both of her hand on her hips as if she was mad.
“Yes, ma’am,” you said sadly, giving her your best puppy dog eyes. Mina knew those eyes but she wasn’t going to fall for them so easily. Bakugou’s figure was quickly disappearing, but Mina wasn’t budging. So you jutted your bottom lips out, adding to the effect and pleaded to her. Mina knew that she was going to let you go but just wanted to give you a hard time.
“Alright, just one!” she allowed and your face just brightened up. You dashed down the hall, as quickly as you could in that dress, straight into Bakugou’s arms.
Bakugou didn’t sense it at first. He thought your little makeout session was the last he was going to see you until after his work was done. He wasn’t expecting you to make a run for it down the hall to him. Bakugou only turned around when he heard running coming closer to him. As soon as he turned around, you jumped into his arms and gave him one last passionate kiss.
Mina smiled softly as the sight, her heart full of happiness and love for the both of you. Kirishima and the boys looked away respectfully to give you guys space. Sero had to slap Denki’s face away because he was just staring so obviously.
Before Bakugou could relax into the kiss, you already pulled away and returned to Mina’s side. For the first time in his life, he had no words to say. He could only stare at you in disbelief, but in the good way. He smiled, shaking his head and continued on his way in an incredibly good mood.
You returned to Mina’s side, feeling accomplished and you both giggled like little girls.
“Okay, okay. You’ve had your fun, your highness. But I really need to tell you about this war because I think it’s so interesting and I think you’d really like it. So…” Mina babbled on, getting really excited to talk about the history of the Kingdom. Of course you were listening but your mind still wandered to a particular blonde prince that had your heads in the clouds.
You were back in Bakugou’s room, getting ready for bed. You looked in the mirror, brushing your hair out and lost in thought. The date until you officially marry Bakugou was fast approaching and still, you hadn’t told him your biggest secret. Whether you tell him now or later, he was going to be angry. Nothing was happening yet. You don’t think the real princess knows. If she did, you were sure you’d be back at the palace by now. So were you safe? There is never going to be a right time to tell him. But was it best that you took this secret to your grave? Could you handle all the guilt? No. You had to tell him. Tonight, you decided.
You had just finished brushing out your hair when you saw Bakugou enter your room, making you gasp in surprise.
“You’re back already?” you asked, getting up to greet him at the door. He welcomed you with open arms, taking in your scent.
“I’ve got to get plenty of rest for tomorrow,” he said. Ah, that’s right. The ball to celebrate your engagement was tomorrow. Already?
“Oh, so you didn’t come back early because you missed me but because you were getting ready for tomorrow. I see,” you huffed playfully, crossing your arms and walked away. Bakugou grabbed your arm before you could walk completely away from him and pulled you in close.
“Stop. You know I missed you,” he said seriously. Your hand touched his bare chest, his warm radiating from his body made your heart race. No matter how many time you could see him shirtless or how many times you’ve touched him, it would still bring butterflies to your stomach.
The same thing could be said for Bakugou. It didn’t help that you were wearing a loose, fitting nightgown, leaving everything up for the imagination. Granted, he had already seen your naked body once, but it was only a glimpse. He didn’t get a good look before so he could only imagine what it would be like when you were under him, taking your naked form all in.
Bakugou scoops your face in his large palms, bringing you close to him until he places his lips on yours, the fluttering feeling in your stomach only intensifying. He broke the kiss for both of you to catch your breaths and claimed your lips as his again. His kisses felt different, like they had a purpose. His hands started roaming around your body, making you feel hot all over. It started on your back, then slowly caressed down to your waist and then over the curves of your ass. Your mind was filled with thoughts of him that it was driving you mad.
Bakugou wasn’t satisfied with just kissing you. He was craving more. Hungry for more, he moved on to kiss your neck but you tried to stop him.
“Wait, I need to tell you something first,” you grabbed onto his shoulders, but the way he moved his lips and how his tongue swiped against your skin was making you almost forget what you were about to say.
“Do you trust me?” he breathed, detaching from your neck momentarily.
“O-Of course I trust you. But it’s kind of important,” you said.
“Kind of. Surely it can wait till the morning,” Bakugou continued attacking you with kisses.
“But Katsuki-” Bakugou interrupted you by completely stopping his actions to look you dead in the eyes with the most serious expression.
“Do you trust me?” he asks again. You stared into those crimson orbs of his and sighed.
“I trust you. But-” you couldn’t finish your thought because Bakugou had turned you around so that you could see yourself in the mirror.
“Whatever it is you have to say, it can wait till morning. Right now, to me, there’s nothing more important than making sure you feel like a queen,” he declared, looking at you from the mirror.
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Bakugou starts kissing your neck again, his soft lips coming into contact with your bare skin sent chills down your spine. You allowed yourself to submit to his touch, closing your eyes to heighten your senses to his touch.
Gently and deliberately, his hands moved to the back of your gown, untying the bow. He fingers wrapped around the silk fabric, feeling every knot come undone. He goes slow, feeling the curvature of your waist, then your lips, then all the way back to your shoulders. He takes his time removing your gown, admiring your bare shoulders and back that were now exposed. Your gown falls with a soft swish to the floor. The cold air made you shiver but Bakugou made up for it by his roaming hands that were so warm to the touch.
He feels up on your naked body again, this time roaming up the front, groping your breasts in his hands and then caressing your neck. His mouth moved from your neck to your shoulders. You could feel his tongue swipe against your skin for a more tingling sensation. You didn’t want to waste another minute. You turn around and kissed him. He holds you tightly in his arms, kissing you back with the most love. You pull him closer to you, guiding him to the bed.
You fell onto the bed, his arms falling on both sides of your head. Bakugou climbs on top of you, removing his cape swiftly without disconnecting the kiss. He then scoops you up in his arms, you hands fall to rest on his cheeks and the back of his neck. Your tongues tangoed together in a lover’s dance.
God, what was happening right now? You were completely naked, Bakugou was half naked at the moment. The ambiance of the room was intense and clearly getting more heated by the second. You had no idea what you were doing nor did you know what was going to happen. Everything was happening so fast, you didn’t have time to think. All you knew is that you didn’t want to stop. Your lower region became numb and tingly. You’ve never felt this sensation before. Everything was so new. Your mind was all fuzzy with thoughts of him, it was driving you crazy.
One hand roamed down to your waist while the other hand was busy doing something else. You could hear him fiddling around with his pants and the sound of it coming off. Almost immediately you could feel something hard hit your inner thighs. You jumped in shock, only imagining what it was.
You didn’t know anything about sex. You were so coped up in the palace walls and you weren’t educated on anything. The only thing you remember growing up was that you shouldn’t show your body to anybody but your partner. And that was only if you were married. But what were you doing now? You weren’t not married yet Bakugou was devouring you all over. His touch was so addicting and he was touching you in all of the right places. An unfamiliar feeling started in the pit of your stomach and there was an aching feeling in between your legs.
Bakugou broke away from the breathless kiss, saliva connecting your tongues together. He takes this time to admire your bare body. He never noticed how curvaceous you were, you were just perfect. Your chest was heaving up and down, making his eyes move to the mounds of your breasts. Your nipples were erect from how turned on you were feeling. Bakugou couldn’t help but lick his lips at the sight. Then he ventured lower and he almost groaned when your legs were already spread, ready to take him in. It was making him even more hard.
“God, you’re fucking beautiful,” he whispers. He licks his hand and started pumping his cock. If he didn’t do something soon, his cock would explode for being neglected. He moves closer to your entrance but before he could put it in, you stop him by putting your hands on his chest.
“What are you doing?” you asked, panic starting to rise in you.
“You trust me, don’t you?” he asks. You nod your head. “I promise, I’ll make you feel so good. It’ll hurt for just a bit.” He warned. You take a deep breath, putting all your trust in him. He glances up at you. When you looked ready, he slid his dick inside you, all of it and fast. You take a sharp intake, surprised by his action and how much it hurt. So much so that you feel it in your throat. You grab onto his forearms for dear life. He leans down into you and whispers in your ear.
“Breathe, my princess. Just breath,” he tries to direct you. And so you do as you’re told. Bakugou doesn’t move and just stays still to let you adjust to his size. Slowly, you start to relax. You let your shoulders fall and allow your body to fully ease. The tightness around his cock eventually became looser. That indicated to Bakugou that that was a sign to move. Bakugou slowly thrusts into you. The feeling of pain was still there in the start, but the more you relaxed, the more you felt that pain turn into pleasure.
You started to moan, your eyes rolling in the back of your head. You’ve never felt like this before. It was all new, but making you crave more of his touch.
Bakugou groans loudly at the pleasure. He loved the sounds coming out of your mouth, the loved how your tits bounced up and down from each thrust. But he loved how you clenched around him more. Fuck, he wasn’t expecting you to be so tight. You felt so warm and despite not prepping you beforehand, you were so wet. The sounds of your slick folds meeting his cock were sinful. Suddenly, Bakugou snaps his hips into you, making him go deeper inside you. You moaned loudly and threw your head back.
“You like that?” Bakugou’s voice was raspy. You nod your head enthusiastically, almost impatiently.
“I love that,” you respond. “Do it again.” You begged. Bakugou smirks and does it again. He lets his cock be free from your clench before slamming back into you. You moan loudly again and clench around him even tighter.
“Fuck,” he curses, continuing to slam his hips into you.
Your servant girls were nosy, as all servants were. They wanted to know the gossip. The girls were right at your door, ears pressed against the giant wooden frame. They were listening in and giggling to each other. Two masculine figures appeared behind them, clearing their throats intentionally. The mighty soldiers, Kirishima and Denki, made their presence clear. They looked intimidating, arms crossed against their chest to look cool, or at least Denki was. The girls bowed their heads and scurried off. Some of them looked back to see both of them guarding the door to give you two privacy. Denki took notice of some of the girls and gave them a flirty wave. They giggled again before leaving their sight. Denki smirked and tried to give Kirishima fist, but Kiri denied it, smacking his hand away with an eye rolls and shake of the head. Denki shrugs his shoulder and put his hands on his belt.
Bakugou thrusts into you with more force and more power than before, moans are filling the air, both yours and his. You claw at his back trying to get something to grab but you’re just leaving markings on him, which he doesn’t mind. All of a sudden, Bakugou pulls out, panting and clear frustration painted all over his face.
“Fuck, not yet,” he panted, holding his cock in his hands. You didn’t know what he meant by that, but you whimpered at the loss of contact. Wanting to feel something, you grabbed his face and brought him in for a kiss. The prince groans into the kiss, that being his last straw. He pulled out wanting to last longer, but seeing that you were impatient and wanting more, he had to please his princess. He brought your legs around his shoulder and thrusted into you, not giving you time to breath.
“Mhm, ah!” you groaned, separating from the kiss. You felt excitement rapidly grow in your lower region, a feeling so pleasurable you had no idea how to take it.
“Wait, Katsuki. I feel too good,” you warned him in between moans.
“I’m almost there, too,” he said, going faster to chase his high.
“Ah! Fuck, wait! K-Katsuki! AH!” The pleasure was almost too much for you. The feeling was getting larger and larger until you couldn’t take it anymore and just let go. You threw your head back and clenched your eyes so hard you saw stars. Your pussy clenched around his cock so tightly that it was Bakugou’s turn to let go. With one last groan, your walls were coated in a thick, hot, white substance.
You both stood still, able to finally catch your breath. Bakugou leaned down to touch noses with you, his beath on yours. You were so high on cloud nine that you didn’t think before speaking.
“I lo-” you began but quickly realized what you were about to say. You put your hand over your mouth to prevent you from saying those three magical words. Don’t say it, you thought. If you said it, you’d never be able to take it back. Bakugou takes both of your hands and pinned them above your head.
“I love you, too,” he leans down to whisper in your ear. Tears brimmed in your eyes, threatening to spill out. Because you felt so happy. So happy that you didn’t want this dream to end.
A/N: Spoiler alert: enjoy this chapter. Enjoy every chapter so far. All that serotonin you’re feeling? Soak it all up. Because this is the last fluff chapter you will ever get 😊
If you’d like to be added to the tag list, just let me know! And I’d love to know your thoughts, what you think of the series so far and what your expectations are for upcoming chapters! Do you want a happy or sad ending? What angsty scenes are you anticipating? What do you not want to happen?
Don’t forget! My requests are open until May 9th!
1. Send in a request or headcannon of any Boku no Hero or Haikyuu characters
2. I prefer angsty requests! As for headcannons, I'm down with any genre. If you are sending in a request, please be as descriptive as possible! Its hard to write when the topic is so broad!
3. FYI if alot of the requests are the same, I will most likely combine them all or only do one or two of them since I dont want to repeat alot of the same topics. It'll get boring: not only for the reader but for me as well
4. ❌No NSFW! Not experienced enough but I can hint at some sexiness
It would be really cool if you could send in some requests! I’ll be doing all of them to the best of my ability, you won’t be disappointed!
Tagged: @superblyspeedydragon @melasnchz-things @animexholic @bkgwrites @sam-i-am-1025 @apexqueenie @katsukibabe @germfart3 @tspice283 @angie-1306 @bakugous-trauma @bakugousmrs @random-fandom-girl-24 @monetfatalia @triviajeongin @readingslumpfanfic @softredrobin @daddy-daichis @stardream14 @spicysherlock @cathwritestragediesnotsins @luvtaromilktea @aaannaabbanana @i-ameri-cant @shyonigirichan @aomi04 @anime-for-live @maggiecc @cloudsgathering @backoftheletter @moshi-moshi-angie015
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hopeshoodie · 4 years ago
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I’ve been thinking about Boat Party a lot lately. I really /really/ loved the ‘after the villa, after the sparkle of new relationships has faded’ dynamic with all the couples (including MC), and I liked that it was basically a mini-season instead of three episodes. LOVED the podcast framing the story instead of the narrative, and obviously all the characters were far more fleshed out than they were in the main season. But my issues with it are
 - It felt like they ran out of story and started rehashing the same thing (MC’s LI going from wanting to work on the relationship back to avoiding her) and using filler (the carnival is cute but doesn’t have any notable moments), so there were episodes where a bunch of things happened and episodes where nothing really changed
-The backsliding of the relationship issues really framed our primary LIs’ to be in the wrong. I loved most of the initial conflicts, how serious and mature MOST of them were. And I did really like the push and pull of trying to reconcile. But then around day 6 our LIs agree to work on it, then the next episode go back to saying they’re “not sure if it’s going to work”. That was super frustrating and unsatisfying because it felt like our progress was erased.
-The secondary LI being forced on us. I’m only here for Lily, but because the story FORCED me to take Yasmin on a walk now suddenly the narrative is insisting I’m cheating on Lily. I get why we have secondary LIs, but it felt kind of like it did in the main season- literally everyone is interested in MC and when you switch to a new person there’s no narrative tension or differentiation between the different people.
-the premise of a Boat Vacation kind of framed this very post-LITG story in a LITG way. LITG is formulaic because it’s a reality show- a bunch of people who don’t know each other are thrown together on vacation, and as they do Vacation Things they build different relationships. Boat Party was really unique from any other season because it wasn’t a reunion focused only on MC getting with new people or being happy with her LI. It was a story about people, post-production, in the real world navigating real issues. But them being on vacation innately framed it in a LITG way, with ‘outings on the mainland’ taking the place of challenges. This is the key idea that got me thinking about how I would re-write Boat Party.
 Because as much as I enjoyed Boat Party, I don’t think it really delivered on either its themes or the themes of the main season. Boat Party’s themes were realistic relationship conflict, it was about CHOOSING to love people, whereas the main series was about friendships and respecting platonic relationships. Maybe that’s just my interpretation because there was so very little nuance in the romantic stories of S3, BUT ANYWAYS. So if we wanted to better honor those two points (that platonic relationships are important to respect and irl relationships are hard), here’s how I would reframe the S3 reunion-
 It's a wedding episode, but not for MC. I feel like Seb and Genevieve are a better couple and were way more serious than Nicky and Elladine, so we’ll make it a Sebevieve wedding. We still do the same opening with conflicts that Boat Party does (but take out the personality test because that really didn’t impact the story very much and imo broke immersion), but instead of storming off your LI says “what, so you don’t want to go to the wedding together?” MC recoils in confusion, and they say “I brought it in from the mail last week, it’s been sitting on the counter for days. You didn’t read it?”. MC walks over, reads it (the player gets to see the ‘save the date’), and then there’s the first choice of the game. You can either tell your LI you want to go with them, or say you want to go alone.
 I think Boat Party proceeds much like as written after that, but now we have a huge emotional THING that all the characters can react to. We still learn that Elladine’s family is having issues, but we learn it in the context of them questioning their relationship with Nicky because ‘why won’t he commit? I thought we would be the first ones to get engaged’. Because we got that little teaser after stealing the money in S3 of Nicky being down, maybe we get some more noncommittal bs from him. From Seb we get genuine excitement about the wedding, but a little bit of concern about what’s going to happen to the podcast after he’s married to Viv. Viv is all excitement- school is ramping up and now she’s getting married. She definitely gives some good advice to MC about the LI situation. All the other little conflicts are happening in the background, but suddenly everyone’s questioning how legitimate their own relationships are.
 But at the heart of everything is MC and her LI struggling more intensely with presenting happiness to everyone else, while trying to figure out if their relationship is as serious as Seb and Viv’s, and if they even want it to be. Instead of not talking for major swaths of the game, they’re forced into situations like the rehearsal dinner and bachelor/ette party, where they have to pretend everything’s fine and devolve into tension and arguing. Maybe the different LIs like Bill, Lily, Camilo, Ciaran want to get married eventually, while LIs like AJ and Rafi want to pump the breaks and keep things more casual. Instead of backsliding, there’s this mounting tension of increasingly serious conflict which kicks off the night before the wedding. Maybe it’s the ‘I made you food but oops forgot you were vegan’ thing or it’s the LI going ‘I don’t know if I want to keep pretending we’re together’, but there’s a really intense argument scene and THEN the LI storms off for the first time.
You can choose to either go to a specific LI for comfort (which designates them the secondary LI) or sit alone (in which case Viv or Seb will come out to comfort you). There’s a sweet moment of debriefing from the fight, and you can choose to cheat on your partner or not. If you go to Elladine, Seb, or Viv and try to cheat, they’ll be shocked and reject you. We need consequences for feeling entitled to others romantically so bad, so here they are.
Then the entirety of the wedding, your LI is avoiding you. It comes to a head at the reception, when they approach you and ask you to dance. If you say yes, you can try to reconcile with them. Or you can reject them, in which case the secondary LI will ask you to dance. There’s a really sincere conversation on the dance floor, either apologizing for the fight and resolving to do better (MC’s worried that this is all happening because they’re at a wedding, is it going to get better in the real world?) or trying to comfort MC and feel out the new relationship. It culminates at the end of the reception, where the secondary LI asks MC to leave with them. MC’s original LI is there, and she can make eye contact with them and go with the secondary LI, or refuse.
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juniorgman187 · 4 years ago
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Lamaze (Spencer Reid Drabble)
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Summary: When Spencer walks into Reader’s Lamaze class, things heat up for a moment, just before the cool down at the true intentions of Spencer’s presence.
A/N: *MY OWN GIF AND YES IT LITERALLY BROKE MY HEART WATCHING THIS REPLAY OVER AND OVER AS I MADE IT LIKE THERE IS SO MUCH HAPPENING AND SO MANY MEANINGS AND TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS SINGLE GIF* Category: Drabble, One Shot, Fluff Couple: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid Word Count: 2k Content Warning: pregnancy, unrequited love, a lil bit of shade to miss Jennifer Jareau 
✧・゚: *✧・゚:* 
There was never a boring day working as a LCCE - Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator. Every week, I prepared pregnant women and their families for childbirth. When I’d tell people what I did for a living, they often didn’t know how to react, but that’s expected. The job is so unique and is one that people don’t realize exists until I tell them it’s my job. It was also one of the most rewarding jobs. Childbirth fascinated me. All the small and crucial elements that went into making a life was amazing. There was so much happening within a woman’s body to create a baby and for that reason, there wasn’t a lot I didn’t see. Not much could really surprise me after how long I’ve been working as an LCCE. Except today proved me wrong. 
I was in the middle of teaching one of my classes when I heard the door open behind me. When I turned around, a tall, handsome, very much not pregnant man stood in front of me. This wasn’t the shocking part, because husbands are always encouraged to come to Lamaze classes. The shocking part was that this man was missing his pregnant counterpart. 
“How may I help you?” I asked, stepping away from the couple I was assisting. 
He played with his fingers nervously and looked down at his feet before he finally answered me. 
“I, um, I have a friend. Her name’s Jennifer. And we work together and I just wanted to come to these classes to prepare for . . . for the birth.” He stumbled through his words, but I got the jist of it. 
“Oh that’s wonderful. Is she waiting outside now?” My question seemed to agitate him. He went back to twirling his fingers. 
“Actually, I came alone. I - I thought I could audit the class? AmImakinganysense?Sorry.” His words seemed to mesh into one at the end because of his anxiousness. I thought his choice of words was funny too. It was like I was a professor and he was a student just eager to learn. It was quite endearing to say the least.
To settle his nerves, I reached my hand out to gently squeeze his upper arm. His eyes darted to my hand and then to me. This allowed me to finally meet his eyes. They were this beautiful mess of brown, maybe even hazel, and a little green, possibly gold, too?
“Jennifer’s lucky to have you as a friend. Not many people are willing to go to these lengths for their pregnant loved ones. I admire what you’re doing -” I paused to allow him an opportunity to give his name.
“Spencer.” 
“I admire what you’re doing greatly, Spencer. Please, come join us.” 
As I led him to a free yoga mat, I helped him adjust to his surroundings. He ungracefully stumbled into a criss-cross applesauce position, which made me smile. His long legs stopped him from sitting comfortably. 
“I’m Y/N, by the way.” I told him, before getting back into the center of the room to instruct the whole class. 
People always told me that I had a quality about me that was calm and peaceful. They’d say that if all else failed with being an LCCE, I should be one of those people that work with crystals and spirits and burn sage. They would say my voice was soothing and serene. My friends even had this running joke that I had a “hippie soul.” Someone that radiated tranquility. I didn’t see what everyone else saw, but for the first time, I could actually see my effect on people in action. 
While I led the class, I couldn’t help but peer over at Spencer. I could see he felt out of place, so I simply smiled at him, to let him know that he was very much welcome here, and that smile did wonders. Throughout the duration of the class, Spencer became much less anxious and started immersing himself into the experience. 
At the time that Spencer walked in, we’d already completed two steps: 1. Discussing emotional and physical changes. 2. Preparing for childbirth with affirmations, progressive relaxation, and positive imagery. So now we were on the third step: Breathing and pushing techniques. 
When I announced this to the class, I could feel Spencer shift back to his high-strung behavior. 
“Everyone - I’d like you to turn your eyes to me and my friend Spencer here,” I chimed in. This made his eyes widen in confusion. “He and I will be demonstrating this first breathing technique.” I joined Spencer on the yoga mat, gesturing for him to open his legs to let me sit between them. He did so without any question or resistance. 
“First, get into any position that both you and your partner find comfortable,” I waited patiently for each couple to situate themselves. Once I saw everyone was ready, I spoke again. “Now, Mommies, I want you to lean into your partner.” I illustrated this to everyone by leaning back against Spencer. With my back on his chest, I swore I could feel his heart beating rapidly. The gap between us was no longer existent, and we were so close that I heard his breath hitch as he tensed up behind me. The back of my head was perched on the space between the crook of his neck and his shoulder, situated somewhere along his collarbone. I could feel his long curly hair brushing past mine. I could tell he was nervous so I lovingly put my hand on his knee. My touch must’ve been magic because Spencer relaxed instantaneously. 
“Now if the partners would please put their hands onto the mommy’s stomach. Mommy’s after your partner does this, you’ll put your hands on your tummy, too.” 
I looked a little behind me to address Spencer. “I have a fake pregnant belly that I can put on if you want to simulate a more realistic experience, or if you’re okay with it, we can just pretend I have it on.” I offered. He shook his head no. I nodded and returned to my position of leaning on him. 
“Alright, Spencer. Feel free to put your hands wherever you’re comfortable.” 
His left hand hesitantly snaked around me. He hovered his hand over my tummy, shaking with uncertainty. 
“Um,” He gulped. “Is this okay?” He placed his gentle touch on my upper obliques. I nodded, while helping guide his right hand. 
Before his hand was touching my tummy, I hadn’t realized just how big his hands were. This left us in sort of a predicament. When his left hand found a spot, I realized there wasn’t much room for his other hand, let alone both of ours. So I improvised. I placed his right hand just under his left. It rested comfortably on the rest of my abdominals that his left hand didn’t cover. To reiterate, I hadn’t known just how big his hands were, so I wasn’t anticipating that his ring and pinky finger would extend past my stomach and ghost over that small space just above my heat. Sincerely, it felt like butterflies fluttered in my core when I felt his touch. I shuddered and quickly sat up in shock. 
“I’msorrywhatdidIdo?” He rushed through his words again. 
“Nothing, nothing! You’re doing great.” I assured him, while settling back into my previous position. Spencer’s hands returned to my stomach and luckily, his finger didn’t graze over my center this time. 
Seeing as my own hands had nowhere else to go, I simply put my small hands on top of his. I could just feel Spencer smile at this. His energy felt different once i did this, like he was actually starting to enjoy himself. 
“Okay, so with the teeniest, tiniest amount of pressure, you’re gonna push down on my tummy, Spencer.” I instructed, pressing my palms harder into the back of his hands so he would know to follow suit. At first, he was being too gentle, so I told him to put a little more pressure, and once he got the right idea,  continued my instruction. 
“Okay, now we’re gonna try a breathing technique. So I’ll start - and you follow.” 
I inhaled, held it, and exhaled. The next time, I listened for his inhale, hold, and his exhale. He must’ve been a quick learner because after just hearing it once, he got the hang of it. 
“Yeah. That’s it there you go.” I encouraged him, taking another deep breath and then exhaling it. “Good job, Spencer!” I cheered, balling my hands into fists with his hands still in mine. My palm was on the back of his hand, whilst my fingers intertwined between the gaps of his own. 
It was a more intimate gesture than I intended it to be, but it surprisingly didn’t scare him. 
As I released myself from Spencer’s grasp, I decided it was time to conclude the class. “You all did wonderful today and I’m so glad we got through the first three steps together. I will look forward to seeing you all next session.” I trumpeted to the attendees. 
Something I always did was wait around by the door to say goodbye to all of the people in the class and answer any last minute questions they had before leaving. 
Just as the last person exited the class, I made a mental note that I hadn’t remembered saying goodbye to Spencer, but he couldn’t have left yet since there was no other exit besides the one I was standing by. Instinctively, I poked my head back into the room and saw Spencer sitting exactly where I left him. “Whatcha still doing here?” I walked back over to him. 
“I don’t know actually.” He seemed lost in his own thoughts, like he was a million miles away.
I silently took a seat in front of him. “So I know earlier you told me that you’re just Jennifer’s friend, but that doesn’t mean that her pregnancy hasn’t impacted you in some sort of way. Maybe we could do the first step you missed - discussing the emotional changes of her pregnancy.” 
He wordlessly nodded, refusing to meet my eyes. 
“So how has her pregnancy changed you emotionally?” 
No response. 
“Would you say Jennifer’s pregnancy has been easy?” After a while, he shook his head no. 
“And why is that?” My question wasn’t answered for a small period of time, but I didn’t mind waiting. I had the patience of a saint, or as people liked to say.
“I thought maybe if I knew how to help her or how to care for her, she’d,” He laughed at himself mirthlessly. “She might . . . fall in love with me,” He finally looked up to meet my eyes. “I’m still holding out hope that we’ll have a future together.” He sniffled.
“Oh, Spencer,” I sighed, pulling him into a hug. He gladly accepted, melting into my embrace. He nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck. “Waiting is a sign of true love because anyone can say I love you, but not everyone can wait and prove it . . . but I also think . . . sometimes we may love the wrong person. Wait for the wrong person. But the one thing I know for sure, our mistakes will help us find the right person. Just be patient and don’t rush things. Anything worth having is worth waiting for.” I meant every word I say. 
I wanted Spencer to have someone that wasn’t just proud to have him, but would also take every risk to be with him. (And maybe in that way, I was a better friend to him than Jennifer).
I just wish he believed that he deserved that, because truly, honestly, and wholeheartedly, he does.
✧・゚: *✧・゚:* 
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unknown--error-404 · 5 years ago
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See Me - Imaginary Friend! AU
Choi Yeonjun (TXT) X Gender Neutral! Reader
Word Count: 4,612
Warnings: violence, mentions of abuse
Genre: kinda yandere, a bit fluffy
Yeonjun was your bestest friend and sworn protector... Until you grew up. However, when things got hairy with your new lover, Yeonjun found that he simply couldn’t just stand to the side...
A/N: When I wrote this, it was entirely self-indulgent, so I apologize if the storyline is a bit strange 😅 “Can’t You See Me?” heavily inspired this, so...
Life was great.
All you ever needed was each other.
Ever since you were young, you and Yeonjun would always hang out. It was as if you were attached by the hip. He was always your playmate. He was there with you from daycare to high school. You two would always find places unpopulated by the other kids so you could enjoy each other’s company and do your own thing in peace.
You and Yeonjun made wonderful memories… The first snow? You experienced it together. Moving from grade school to junior high? You were together. Traveling out of town for vacation? He was there with you…
He was your only friend, and you were his only friend.
Yeonjun watched you grow up, and he never felt as close to anyone as he did with you. While you poked fun at him for dyeing his hair strange colors, he, instead, complimented you as you bloomed into beauty. To Yeonjun, you were the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.
To him, you were all that mattered.
It wouldn’t be a lie to say that he absolutely loved you.
He loved spending every minute of his waking day with you. To be your 24/7 comfort was a true dream. If the world was mean to you, he was waiting for you with an open heart — he was your escape. He was your protector.
And he loved being your protector.
A lot of times, in the dead of night, you and Yeonjun would talk for hours… Mainly just you talking about your day and what went right and what went wrong. He’d listen, and he knew he’d never get tired of listening. Sometimes, you’d ask him about himself, which would throw him off guard because he mainly wanted to focus on you, but, nonetheless, he was happy to tell you a little about himself too. Those nights often ended with him wishing you a good night and staying with you until you fell asleep.
Those were the nights he felt closest to you, and he wouldn’t have traded them for the world…
But then, you went to college.
Then, you grew up.
Then, you made friends.
You had less and less time for Yeonjun as the months went by. Yeonjun watched as he gradually got locked away in your mind. Sometimes, you would think about him, but it was never enough to bring him into full fruition. He watched helplessly from your mind’s eye as you hung out with your friends, finding joy in their company…
… The same joy that you felt before when you were only in his company.
It hurt Yeonjun as he watched your new life with your new friends from the depths of your mind. He grew increasingly jealous and felt increasingly helpless at how close your friends were to you, both mentally and physically… He envied their physical forms, being able to truly feel your presence and your touch… Sometimes, he’d hear you talk about him with your friends, but only in a passing matter. At this point, to you, Yeonjun was merely a conversation starter — a topic to bring up with your friends when there was nothing else to say.
The thought that you were each other’s worlds at one point in your lives hurt Yeonjun, especially now that you only saw him as a phase that you grew out of.
It hurt him that you now deemed him as truly imaginary.
It hurt Yeonjun even more when he found you catching feelings for some random person in your class…
He read the texts through your eyes… He felt your heart race whenever that person was near… He knew the feelings you held for that classmate…
It was clear to Yeonjun that he had been replaced.
The only solace Yeonjun could find while trapped in your mind was the reruns of the memories you had together. Sometimes, when you were dreaming, he’d run through your dreamworld just to find you… See you, talk to you, feel you…
It was always bittersweet when you woke up in the morning… Bittersweet to him, at least, as you’d always forget him once you left your dreamworld.
~ ~ ~
Yeonjun sniffled as he watched another memory of you and him together. Pushing his yellow hair up and out of his face, he briefly rubbed his sleeve over his eyes to dry his tears.
He found himself spending more time in your long term memory as of recent; it hurt less than living in your present and experiencing your daily life with the knowledge that he wasn’t at the forefront of your mind. Sometimes, he’d enter your dreamworlds, but he stopped doing that frequently as the pain of knowing you’d forget him in the morning was becoming too much for him to bear.
He came across another memory, one where you and him were fairly young. You were crying over a nasty bug that had crawled onto one of your toys. Emulating the role of your protector, Yeonjun knocked the bug off your toy and squashed it. With the horrid deed done, you cheered and praised Yeonjun for his bravery, calling him your hero.
A small smile came to Yeonjun’s face as he remembered his sole purpose of being your protector. He used to be able to do so much to protect you, like manifest a spectral form that could mess with any physical object except people… Now all he could do was just feed your mind some positive thoughts about yourself and your situations, protecting you from detrimental negative concepts. 
Suddenly, Yeonjun felt your heart rate pick up, and it wasn’t in the good “stomach-full-of-butterlies” way.
Genuinely concerned, Yeonjun left your long term memory and went to your present mind. His eyes widened when he connected with your senses, immersing himself in your situation.
“Stop that!” You screeched. Your lover, the classmate, had just forcefully shoved a handful of fragile sentimental objects off your top shelf, smashing them. You let out a scream as they broke all over the floor.
“Or what?!” Yelled your lover back. “You need to be taught a lesson! What makes you think you can just go around and hang out with other guys behind my back?!”
“Realize, I’m my own person?!” You shouted. You let out another scream as your lover threw your hairbrush at you. Thanks to your reflexes, you dodged it, but your brush broke on impact with the wall.
Your lover hadn’t acted like this before, although there was some red flags along the way… But they never seemed too major. Overall, to you, this situation was so strange — and scary…
“I can hang out with other people if I want to, you don’t own me!” You fearfully spat. Your lover glowered at you, marching closer to you. “I don’t understand why this is a problem… Don’t you trust me?! You hang out with hot people all the time, and I’m never worried that you might cheat! What makes this situation any different?!”
Anger radiated off of your lover. Fearfully, you backed yourself against the wall as your lover drew closer, ultimately getting up in your face. 
Danger signals were going off in your mind and in Yeonjun’s. His breath caught in his throat as he watched your classmate back you against the wall.
Yeonjun was supposed to be your protector. Now that you needed him, why was he still trapped in your mind?
Intense emotions began to swirl within the boy, so intense that he began to get a splitting headache. His hands gripped his head as he thought over and over: “I must protect my friend. I must protect my friend. I must protect my friend…”
Yeonjun began to see red as static filled his ears and his mind. However, he was brought out of the painful experience when your bickering with your classmate trickled back into his ears.
“You went out to a party with these strangers!” Yelled your lover.
“You went to parties with those hot people!”
Your lover snarled.
“Going to a party with those guys?! It’s like you’re ASKING for it! I thought I was dating someone who was innocent. NOT someone who wants ATTENTION!” You were absolutely flabbergasted at your lover’s claim.
“Excuse me?” You shouted, jaw to the floor and incredulous. There was no way your lover was getting out of that comment unscathed. “Well, at least I’m not the one who’s SO hypocritical and insecure about my lover’s whereabouts that I’d shout, make baseless claims, and destroy things all because of my weak and petty personality!” The glare in your lover’s eyes grew even more intense as your words hung in the air.
In an instant, your lover’s fist was raised.
Yeonjun’s eyes widened as he watched your classmate from your mind.
The fist came in and landed deathly close to your head. You flinched away and looked to where your lover’s fist landed. Eyes widening in fear, you regarded the new, large hole in your wall.
“Next time, that’s going to be your face,” spat your lover. You stiffened upon hearing those words. Instant fear filled your body, and something instinctual told you that your lover wasn’t done with this argument just yet.
Upon witnessing the alarming events, something snapped inside Yeonjun’s mind.
Someone outwardly threatening you…?
Pure anger and deadly emotion surged through Yeonjun as he glared daggers at your classmate from your mind. Clenching his fists and gritting his teeth, a feeling more intense and tangible than, but also akin to fiery determination filled his being. He felt the beginnings of a headache, and red began to blot his vision. Static began to rush into his ears and mind…
… But then, he blacked out.
~ ~
Yeonjun awoke to a start.
Shooting up from his laying position, he found himself hidden among trees.
He knew where he was… He was in the patch of trees deemed the “mini forest” on your campus…
Looking down at his hands, he was shocked to find a tangible human body. 
His body… 
Slowly, he got up. He took a few steps, but it took him a bit to become steady with his footing. He brushed off some stray leaves and dirt on his clothes from laying on the ground. Leaning against a tree, he shut his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows as he rode out the last of that splitting headache experience. Once it was gone, there was room for Yeonjun’s first thoughts in his human body.
His mind immediately snapped to the thought of you being in danger because of your crazy classmate.
Yeonjun found himself breaking into a sprint. Your college campus seemed so familiar as he ran, making his way to your greek life building. 
There was no time for him to ponder his situation: how he came to be… Not when you were in danger.
Panting, he found himself in front of the greek life group building you belonged to. He was about to march straight to the door when the thought occurred to him that he should probably arm himself. If this crazy classmate was dangerous enough to threaten punching you in the face, what more could that crazy classmate do? As your protector, Yeonjun didn’t want to take any chances. 
He knew your greek life building had a tool shed. Rounding the building to the side, he opened it up easily and grabbed the nearest thing: a crowbar.
Making his way back to the front of your greek life building, he hid the tool behind his back as he rung the doorbell. Yeonjun decided that it would be better to see if he could talk things out first. He valued diplomacy over violence, violence only being a last option — a value he learned from you. He was different than your crazy, violent classmate. 
Yeonjun thought that he was certainly better for you than your crazy classmate was.
He definitely would treat you better.
Your lover’s head whipped around to look toward your bedroom door upon hearing the doorbell ring. 
“You’re expecting someone?” your lover seethed. You shook your head rapidly, scared.
“No one! No one I swear!” You whimpered. Thankfully, your pitiful display was convincing enough as your lover just scoffed and walked away to answer the door.
“Stay here,” your lover forcefully commanded before leaving. Knees finally caving in, you felt yourself begin to cry over the events that just happened. However, you did your best to stifle your cries so as to not further fuel your lover’s anger.
Your lover opened the door to your greek life building to find a strange, yellow-haired, young adult boy standing there. They made eye contact, and your lover arched an eyebrow at him.
“What do you want?” questioned your lover.
“To see a friend,” replied Yeonjun simply.
“Why?”
“Just to check.”
“Who’s your friend?”
“You already know who,” Yeonjun replied, staring directly into your lover’s eyes with a hellfire burning brightly behind his own. At this, your lover’s anger broke through, eyebrows furrowing. 
“Fat chance, buddy!” spat your lover, attempting to slam the door shut. However, your lover wasn’t strong enough as Yeonjun shoved the door back open so he could enter. As he kicked it closed, your lover came at him and grabbed his jacket roughly. 
Hearing all this noise, you couldn’t keep in place, so you slowly crept out to peek at what was going on.
“What’s your deal, huh?! You have no business here!” Your lover growled. Yeonjun returned your lover’s animalistic look, the anger from witnessing your situation beginning to boil over within him.
“Get your hands off me!” Yeonjun shouted, wrenching your lover’s hands off his jacket. At this, your lover decided to come back at Yeonjun with a punch. With all diplomacy out the window (Yeonjun decided there was no negotiating with this man.), Yeonjun resorted to violence.
As your lover drew near with a punch at the ready, Yeonjun ducked out of the way. However, your lover, reacting quickly, turned the first punch into a feint, and struck Yeonjun in the face with a surprise blow with the other hand. Yeonjun stilled, straightening his posture from the hit as your lover backed up to a fighting position.
The sensation of physical pain was quite strange to Yeonjun, leaving his cheek stinging and himself a bit confused at first. However, that confusion soon turned to anger as a thought came to his mind:
You would’ve felt this awful pain had your lover actually punched you.
His glare intensifying, Yeonjun watched as your lover sprang forward to continue the fight. He moved to dodge again, but, this time, he was smart about his movements. 
In the midst of his dodging maneuver, Yeonjun turned and swung the crowbar he had been hiding behind him like a baseball bat, striking a harsh blow to your lover’s side. Your lover reeled in pain and doubled over.
Unable to take the hit standing, your lover flopped on the ground like a fish, curling up in pain. Yeonjun turned around to see the now fearful lover, gasping for air.
“See what it’s like? To feel powerless? To be in fear?” Yeonjun spat, his mind still angrily reeling over your emotions he felt while witnessing the argument you had with the brute on the floor. Your lover rolled over to look up at Yeonjun, having the audacity to smile despite being scared.
“And what was this all for?” Your lover questioned. “‘Your friend?’” Yeonjun just stared down at your lover who let out a pained, condescending laugh. “Should’ve known bae was up to something…” your lover muttered to no one, digressing. “What a harlot… Should’ve been more violent from the start-“ Yeonjun’s eyes widened as his grip tightened on the crowbar.
“What did you say?!” He snapped.
“-just like with my previous relationships.”
Yeonjun grit his teeth upon hearing your lover’s admittance to being abusive in the past. No innocent souls deserved to be treated like that. Your lover’s attention returned to Yeonjun as he grit a sentence through his teeth.
“What. Did. You. Say?” Yeonjun questioned again, tone murderous. Your crazy lover just smiled upon getting him even more riled up.
“I. Said,” began your lover, mocking Yeonjun’s speech. “I. Should’ve been. More abusive. To. ‘Your friend,’ the harlot.” Your lover smirked when Yeonjun’s lip twitched in ire. “Just as I had been in my-“
“Shut up! Yeonjun shouted in fury, swinging the crowbar to strike your lover across the face. Despite getting struck, your lover still had the nastiest grin on, mouthing the word “harlot” that didn’t go unnoticed by Yeonjun.
Anger turned into pure hatred and boiled over within Yeonjun’s being, him beginning to repetitively strike your lover’s face.
“People. Like. You. Don’t. Deserve. ANYTHING!” Viciously whispered Yeonjun, bringing down the crowbar on every word he spoke, more power behind every strike.
As Yeonjun kept going, your lover went from sickly grinning, to trying to block his strikes, to trying to shift out of the way, then to finally just twitching underneath him. Yeonjun was relentless with the crowbar. He didn’t stop when it began to get messy. He didn’t stop when he felt your lover’s attitude change mid-melee. He didn’t stop when his anger was satiated. And he didn’t even stop to when your lover was reduced to a twitching body mass.
He only stopped when your lover stopped moving.
There was a threat that would’ve harmed you, and, as your protector, Yeonjun had to eliminate that threat.
Panting, Yeonjun began to catch his breath as he stepped away from the red mess on the floor. Unconsciously, he wiped at the bottom corner of his lip, unknowingly rubbing off some red on his cheek. He regarded the crowbar covered in red at the end. He regarded his hands splattered with red. He regarded his clothes, but, due to his clothes being black, the red stains that splattered on them weren’t visible. He then took a few steps away from the mess, being careful to not step in any red.
Then, a shuffling sound off to the side caught his attention, and he turned his head to spot you on the top step of the staircase. Your eyes were wide, and you were breathing heavily, your hand covering your mouth as you shook.
You had seen it all.
From the moment your classmate punched that yellow-haired man to the moment the yellow-haired guy stopped smashing your classmate’s face in, you had seen it all. Honestly, you weren’t terrified that your classmate was sent to the next world’s judgement, but you were terrified of the chance that the yellow-haired guy was going to do the same thing to you.
You locked eyes with the yellow-haired guy, and you felt your breath catch in your throat. Despite knowing the dangerous situation, your “fight or flight” response broke, leaving you sitting there like a deer in headlights. He began to walk over to you, and you could only watch as he drew near. His angry look softened and a small smile spread across his face as he got closer. Still terrified, you put your arms out in defense as you looked away, your reflexes curling you into a ball.
“D-Don’t hurt me, please!” You babbled, bracing yourself for a hit…
… But it never came.
“Hey,” said an oddly familiar voice. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” You peaked through your arms to find the yellow-haired guy crouching in front of you. Bringing your arms down, you found him to be still smiling at you, his now soft look contrasting the angry one he held earlier. Upon closer examination of his face, you found him to be quite familiar…
His face…
The voice…
The… Yellow hair…
Crazy hair color…
Suddenly, a thought shot though your head like a bullet. You knew who this guy was! Your eyes widened upon the realization.
“Yeon… jun…?” You breathed out in question. His face immediately lit up upon hearing his name, further shocking you that your guess was right.
“You remember,” he sighed in relief. You were still flabbergasted at his human appearance…
How was this possible?? How did your imaginary friend come to life?? Why was he here right now??
Yeonjun got up and was moving like he was about to hug you.
“Wait, wait!” You said, putting your hands out to stop him. He stopped in confusion. “Your…” you began, finishing your sentence with gesturing at his black jacket, the crowbar, and his hands.
“Oh…” muttered Yeonjun in understanding, wiping his hands off on the sleeves of his black jacket. 
“… Here, let me take you to the bathroom,” you spoke warily, grabbing his free, newly cleaned hand. Feeling your hand intertwine with his made Yeonjun’s heart skip a beat, and you (strangely) couldn’t deny a small blush rising to your cheeks at the contact too.
Once in the bathroom, you dampened a few paper towels for Yeonjun in which he used to clean the crowbar, his shoes, and any red stains that got on his skin from removing his jacket. He then turned his jacket inside out and wrapped the crowbar within as you flushed the used paper towels down the toilet. After Yeonjun swaddled the crowbar, he then moved to wash his hands. As your attention returned to your somehow human imaginary friend, you noticed he still had red smeared on his face.
“Oh, Yeonjun, you…” you began again, getting his attention. Once again, you finished your sentence with gestures, the current situation too bizarre for you to find the proper words to string into a cohesive sentence. Fear in the back of your mind asking “What now?” also prevented you from thinking straight and speaking straight. Making a rubbing motion over your cheek, Yeonjun looked at the mirror and noticed the red smudge. He then moved to grab a paper towel, but you stopped him.
“Here, I’ll get it,” you offered, acting quick. Yeonjun watched as you grabbed a paper towel and dampened it. Turning to face him, you moved your hand up to his face, rubbing off the red fairly easily. Though you were concentrated on the red smudge, your eyes occasionally found their way to Yeonjun’s. 
As you cleaned his face, they watched you the whole time. The few times they met, you could see how soft they were as they gazed at you, a strong, deep feeling running behind their puppy brown color. 
It was hard to believe that those same eyes held enough anger to murder your lover-classmate.
Once you were done, you properly disposed of the paper towel by flushing it down the toilet, using your foot to push down the handle. Sighing, you tried your best not to freak out at the current situation. (At least the murder victim in this case was a scumbag that probably has past charges from being abusive.) Yeonjun’s mind, on the other hand, was still spinning from feeling your touch for the first time. Missing it already, Yeonjun moved to your side and took your hand in his. 
Feeling his touch caused you to snap out of your nervous thoughts and look at him again. You found him pressing your hand to his cheek, nestling into the palm of your hand. Under the moonlight, he looked so serene and relaxed in your touch. For some reason, the sight was enough to make you forget your current situation and cause your heart to melt.
He looked just like a cuddly puppy.
“I’ve often pondered about touch…” he whispered dreamily. “What it feels like… Why it’s so important… Why it’s so engaging…” He then opened his eyes, but only halfway. “Now I know why…”
“Yeonjun…” you sighed, touched and not knowing what to say, but also slightly panicked because of what just happened. Yeonjun could sense the panic in your voice and he straightened up, eyes fully opening.
“I swear I won’t do anything like this again,” he spoke quickly and clearly, not wanting to lose you to your panic. “I was just scared for your well-being! I just wanna protect you… I don’t wanna lose you again…” He trailed off. Yeonjun then looked down as he tried to find his words, taking in a breath. “I promise, I’ll be good to you… I’ll be good for you too! Whatever makes you happy…” His hold on your hand tightened slightly as he said this, wanting to show his conviction.
“You promise?” You repeated. He looked up to meet your eyes, nodding vehemently.
“Do you believe me?” He asked, tilting his head in question. You hesitated for a bit, unsure. But then, your mind shot forward multiple memories of Yeonjun and you in the past, him always being by your side and never leaving you when you needed him. Realizing his conviction, you sighed though your nose before you brought your other hand up to hold his other cheek.
“You were able to protect me before from so many things for so long, so, yes, I believe you,” you said, giving him a small smile.
Hearing you speak those words brought so much joy to Yeonjun. In an instant, he dropped the swaddled crowbar and brought you into a tight hug, pulling you into him. One arm wrapped around the small of your back while the other supported your mid and upper back. You were shocked at the action at first, but then you slowly wrapped your arms around him, returning the hug. His head was buried in the junction of your shoulder.
“I missed you…” he muttered into the crook of your neck, “so, so much…”
It was then something awakened in you, making you realize that you missed him deeply too. You missed the connection you had with him… You missed your protector, your number one hero, who was always there for you whenever you needed him. Sighing through your nose, you leaned your head on his affectionately, beginning to rub soothing circles on his back.
“I missed you too,” you told him, causing him to hug you tighter. You both stayed hugging under the moonlight from the bathroom window for a bit, you enjoying being held by someone who actually cares for you and Yeonjun becoming intoxicated by your touch. After a minute or so, Yeonjun pulled back so he could hold your face in his hands. Leaning forward, you and him shut your eyes simultaneously as you touched foreheads.
“It feels good to be by your side again…” whispered Yeonjun, holding you, his world, in his hands. You brought your hands up to gently layer on top of his. You were about to say something when the faint sound of sirens reached your ears.
Jolting away from you, Yeonjun looked toward the bathroom door before he looked back at you.
He knew what his job was. 
He knew what he had to do.
Turning around, Yeonjun snatched the swaddled crowbar off of the bathroom floor. He then took your hand in his, pulling you out of the room. Carefully and quickly walking through the hall, he came to your bedroom. He worked with speed as he covered his hands with his shirt, opening the window. Stepping out onto the low roof, Yeonjun turned around and offered you his hand.
“C’mon, we need to go,” he said. You took his hand, letting him guide you to the low roof. Yeonjun easily cleared the jump from the low roof to the grass of your greek life building’s lawn, but, to you, it was too high for jumping. He patiently waited as you climbed down, but, when you were close enough to him, he grabbed your waist and picked you up.
“Don’t look up,” he told you, placing you back down on the ground. You were thankful for that tip as it not only hid your face from the cameras, but also helped hide the red blush that bloomed on your cheeks upon feeling his hands on your waist. Yeonjun then took your hand in his once again.
“Now, run away with me,” he whispered into your ear. Before the words could register in your head, the sudden jolt of him sprinting lurched you forward to match his pace. Sirens went off in the background once again. Though distant… This time, they sounded closer.
“It’s okay. Don’t be afraid. We’ll get through this together,” he reassured. “I’ll protect you…”
“I won’t let anybody hurt you ever again.”
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youhadme-at-hella · 5 years ago
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I'd thought I'd tell a little story during this quarantine, one that people might relate to, especially black women and girls.
I remember the exact moment in my life where I began to feel self-conscious about my body.
I was in 3rd grade, standing in line in the cafeteria, next to my crush, who at the moment was shorter than me. He pointed to my arms, told me they were hairy.
And I didn't really think much of it at time, I probably laughed it off and attempted to change the subject, but here we are, over a decade later, and I still look at my arms and think about how abnormal they are.
I started to develop at an early age - by 4th grade, I needed trainers because my chest "caused a disturbance" for some.
In 5th grade however, that was truly the turning point. Aware of my hairy arms, my developing body, I was standing in line (again with the lines), going into the classroom for the morning, and I was not only taller, I was bigger. All the children surrounding me were visibly smaller. My mind started spinning in that moment. That's all I could think about.
The teacher was at the front of the classroom, and I was looking around, wondering if any of these kids had started shopping in the juniors section already.
I know there were many factors at this point that were weighing on me, but of course at the time I didn't know what that could be. I didn't know that every time I turned on the Disney Channel and aspired to be a Disney Channel star that I was using the actors on this platform as the example I'd set for myself. I didn't know that the fashion magazines in the check-out lines encouraging me to "lose fat fast" was impacting me as I tagged along with my pops to the grocery store. Some might say "societal pressures" but I know better to characterize it as colonial pressures. Not being able to afford the latest trends, not being able to be white with bone straight hair and that photographic thigh gap.
Entering middle school was an entirely different type of hell. My economic situation became more pronounced to me. My dad's girlfriend at the time (not to put him on blast) had offered me some hand-me downs, which I was really excited about because I thought she had style.
One day at her house, she was giving me the clothes to try on, and one article of clothing after the other wasn't fitting. I was absolutely mortified. This was an adult, albeit a "petite" adult, but that didn't matter to me. My understanding was the grown ups were older, therefore they were bigger (not the best logic, I know now). I broke down in her bathroom. I said things about my body that I had never uttered before. I may have thought about saying those things, but I finally made them real.
She tried to console me as best she could, but there was nothing she could do. I was leaving her house empty handed. That was the greatest reminder.
Clearly all of this did nothing for my self-esteem. Horrible things happened in my mind. I started equating my importance and worth to the amount of attention that boys would give me. I became incredibly fixated on my look, in a really unhealthy way, worried about how I appeared to others 24/7. I would cry sometimes in the bathroom if I couldn't get my hair just right. I would avoid eating lunch in the cafeteria because that meant people would stare as I walked up to the line or threw away my trash. I traveled in crowds to blend in, so no one could point me out. My whole personality was based on feeling "pretty" and starving for people to like me. Because the moment that wasn't the case, I absolutely fell apart.
7th grade was a bad year. I hated school and most places where I was required to be in public. I started having panic attacks, anxiety attacks, sometimes in the bathroom at school. I think I lost a lot of friends because I went into a shell. My family experienced more obvious economic hardships, my uncle was taken to prison, interrupting our entire family dynamic. All of these played roles.
I was very good at hiding a lot of this though. I was a cheerleader, I mostly tried to display a sunny disposition to avoid being questioned. And I'm not saying there weren't things I enjoyed about life. My family was (is) incredible, my core friends made me laugh, I loved cheerleading, in fact, I would get so lost in it. I was the happiest when all I was doing was training, hanging with cheer mates, it was the best distraction. But at this point my life took an extremely dark turn.
In 7th grade I started to starve myself. There was no other way to describe what was wrong with me other than depression. I wasn't even familiar with the concept, but that's what it was. I was so distraught, not just by my appearance, but with everything happening in my life. I ate as little as possible, most of the time just to entertain my parents, who had noticed a significant change in my behavior. I didn't see that I was losing weight. I couldn't see the changes happening to my body. My brain still saw this person at a size I despised, so I continued to torture myself. It wasn't until about three months later, standing in the lobby of McDonald's with my mom, that my charade was over. She turned to me to ask what I'd be having, and I told her I wasn't hungry.
She looked at me sternly and spoke so only I could hear. "Why aren't you eating?" I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm just not that hungry." "I see you. You haven't been eating and now you look sick. You need to eat."
I wanted to break down in the lobby, but I didn't want noses prying into our discussion, so I ordered, picked at my food, then hid bits and pieces inside the wrappers in which they were packaged.
I knew it was wrong of me, but my mom telling me that I was in fact losing weight, made me feel good about myself for the first time in a while.
I got through my first battle with depression and tried to become more positive. When 8th grade came, I vowed that things would be different for me. I started to invest more in fashion, immersing myself with coordinating quirky fun looks on a budget. I didn't realize then that this had all become a coping mechanism.
In my new outfits that I'd put together, I began to feel more confident, like myself, happy with me. It was a much better year by far and these feelings lasted up until about 10th grade.
I had just switched to a majority white school. So my out of the box fashion choices with respect to my developing curves was quickly shot down by the laid back, by the beach Hollister shorts, flip flops and tee.
I was surrounded by girls my age that we tinier than me, once again. I remember these really cute pair of shorts I had designed myself. They were once high rise jeans that I cut up to hot pants, giving it a bit of fringe and sewing some fabric behind the parts that I'd deliberately distressed. I loved these shorts partly because I had designed them myself.
One day I wore them to school and these white girls who sat behind me snickered and whispered, "she is way too big to wear those shorts."
I threw them away when I got home, staring in the garbage bin, fighting everything in me to not retrieve them.
And I started to look at my body intensely again. Fashion was no longer a safe haven because it was now being used as a weapon against me. I had nothing to hide behind. My insecurities would be forced to take center stage in my brain again.
I hated the way I looked, every year I would look at photos from the previous year and say, "man I wish I could go back to that size" not realizing at that time that I hated who I was then too.
This is a long story but I promise I'm getting to the point.
This is hard for me to say, but at this point in my life, I'm the biggest I've ever been. I've done fad diets, tried all kinds of workout regimens, weight fluctuating over the years, to no avail. I eventually grew demoralized, feeling like no matter how hard I try, I lack the patience and discipline to reach my fitness goals.
But it's taken all of this time for me to realize this struggle hasn't been about my health and fitness goals. Up to now I've only had aspirations to "look good to attract positive attention", and I've carried on up to now not being able to look at myself and love what I see at any point of my young life.
I can't recall a time I looked at myself and said, "I'm beautiful, I'm worth it, I love the person that I am, I am happy with what I've accomplished, I am a good person." All this time I've repeatedly called myself all of those things I did that day in the bathroom of by dad's ex-girlfriend. And many more insults that I've learned over the years.
No matter the positive or negative changes my body has gone through, I haven't been able to see them. So to that extent, my goals are impossible to reach. I've never been satisfied with myself, ever.
So what now?
This struggle isn't rooted merely in some superficial beauty standards. How did these standards even get here? And why have I tried all my life to reach them? That question is far more easier to answer.
I just long for the day that I look at myself and say, "I accept you for who you are" just as I have done for others. I long for the day that I can consider my reflection beautiful, just because I think so, and not because of anyone else. I don't know when that day will come. There are moments when things are good, I feel like I'm almost there, only to be crushed by my unresolved reality of dangerously low self-esteem.
This isn't something I wrote for an outpouring of sympathy, a bunch of "you're beautiful just the way you are"'s. It won't make a difference. It's not the antidote. I wrote this because I know there are black women and girls like me, still trying to answer this question, heartbroken by their own reflection.
I will say this, though. I was inspired to write this because today I completed day eleven of a fourteen day workout challenge. For some that's no big deal, for others it won't count until all fourteen days are completed. But for me, it's a huge accomplishment. I have never in my life worked out consecutively for this amount of time. I know it's not long, but for someone who is not physically active or athletic, this is a huge step. I'm doing this thing at my own pace, even though I'm still not quite sure I'm doing it for the right reasons.
I know I'm not, but I'm partly hoping that at some point it will click for me, and I'll work out beyond the fourteen days, because I should have more to live for than just the opinions of others.
Stay tuned.
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spnfanficpond · 6 years ago
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June Angel Fish Awards
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Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.
The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.
NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle or Mana to check and make sure we got your submission.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE JUNE’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!
Nominated by @wingedcatninja and @mrswhozeewhatsis and @manawhaat
The Song Remains the Same (oneshot) by @sammit-janet 
@wingedcatninja said -  This fic by @sammit-janet is the best case fic I have ever read. It has everything: drama, angst, a witch curse, perfect characterization. Reading it was like being inside an episode of Supernatural. And, without spoiling anything, the ending broke my heart. To quote my own comment when I reblogged it:
“I don’t even know where to start. The story is fantastic. The prose is beautiful. The characterization is on point. The angst is delightfully painful. It’s just overall amazing. Thank you for sharing this awesome piece of art.”
@mrswhozeewhatsis said -  The painful ingenuity of the spell in this case fic is genius. Pure freaking genius! Painful as hell, but genius. Characterization is wonderful, as always, and my heart is a little more broken, but I’m used to that with Sammit!! Brava!!!! *throws roses at you*
@manawhaat said-  WOW! That was fucking awesome! We see witch spells so often and (maybe it’s bc of the genre I’m reading but) they’re always like lust spells of some sort, so it was super refreshing to see this kind of spell. This whole thing was just really well done, super interesting, perfectly in character and the realm of spn. And that last little bit. UGH! SO PERFECT! So Dean! So spot on! So fitting and heartbreaking and such a perfect little add on. I swear, this whole thing legit felt like I watched an episode of the show. This case fic is a perfect example of how I want every fic to read. I want the drama, the suspense, the emotion, the subtleties, the Winchesters as they truly are, this kind of gentle care for detail and attention to creating a realistic feel. I can’t say it enough- this is fucking FANTASTIC!
Nominated by @wingedcatninja
Never Wanna Say Goodbye (oneshot) by @deanwinchesterswitch
This is deliciously painful angst that leaves you with tears in your eyes and a smile on your lips.
Nominated by @risingphoenix761
Salty Stockings (oneshot) by @slytherkins
Cute, hilarious, and just the right amount of crack. Also risque and suggestive. Did I mention this is hilarious? So much good stuff in a short fic, and imagine if anyone suggested Dean take this with him on a hunt!
Nominated by @manawhaat
True or False (oneshot) by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters
The way this starts instantly pulls you in. There’s so much pent up shit rattling through Dean and the way it’s reciprocated through Y/n is an amazing build. There’s so much emotion and vulnerability to this entire thing, and it’s done in a way that’s completely believable and realistic for Dean. Fuck. It’s smart and really just opens them both up in such a refreshing way that speaks of Dean’s bravery, even in the face of being raw and exposed to someone else. And the way the tables turn. *screeches and flaps on the floor* Be still my fucking heart! I fucking adore this and the way you approached this fic and premise. There are so many ways it could have gone wrong or lost its power and impact, but you fucking nailed it!
Covet (series) by @waywardjoy
Fucking Christ, this series stressed me the fuck out, but in the best way possible. The cliffhangers, the dark grittiness. The insanity! Fuck, I absolutely love it when stories are written in a way that completely immerse me in it. It’s dark, like, really dark. Fuck. It just hurts. 
The Beginning of The End (oneshot) by @deanwinchesterswitch
OW! There is a secret desperation in this that is absolutely brutal and tears your heart in two. The way Dean is written is eye-opening and really just drags you down into a depth of pain and grief that only a Winchester can feel. I feel like I should say something about the sex being hot, but I can’t. Because to me it’s just so rough, borderline too rough, and so emotional. Which might sound weird, but in this situation and with the way everything is presented that scene is honest as fuck, very believable, and powerful. At some point things become more about the emotional release than they do being sexy, and this is a gorgeous example of that kind of repressed emotion roaring to life in ‘bottle it up forever’ Dean Winchester. This fic hurts so good all the way through and in different ways. That in itself is a feat, so have so many layers in one story. It’s anger and hurt and guilt and worry and all of it is wrapped so delicately together in this fucking stunning piece of art. 
Born This Way (oneshot) by @evansrogerskitten
HAPPY PRIDE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!! This fuckin’ fic! Wow. This is the definition of the spn family. There’s so much love and support wrapped up in this story, in this fucking dream. I rarely get like, actually emotional reading fics (because I’m a heartless bitch) but this has me sitting here clutching my chest with my eyes closed just full body squeeing and smiling and my gut is clenching with all the emotion. There is something to be said of the spn family being allies. This song, this setting, this family, and the moment you’ve created here is so important and such a special thing! AND, as if the fic itself wasn’t enough to make me burst into happy tears, the tweets at the bottom sure the fuck were! Honestly, everything about this is so spot on and believable and just fucking pure and good.
Castiel Imagine (drabble) by @webcricket
Holy hell, that Cas fic was not only incredibly fucking sensual and well done but it was just so full of amazing language. Fantastic! I feel like a lot of writers who try to beef up their language tend to use words that feel out of place, but your consistency and the way you weave them together made me slow down to savor every line and that was such a beautiful thing.
Nominated by @sorenmarie87
Life for Rent (series) by @winchest09
The series has just started but I can’t wait to see where it goes.  I love a good mobster!au and the set up so far has me wondering what’s going to happen next. 
What Research? (oneshot) by @becs-bunker 
What do I say about this other than I loved it?  I mean Sam has been busy and the reader just wants some attention from him. Of course, they accomplish what they set out to do and it’s worth the read.  
Born This Way by @evansrogerskitten 
This was a fantastic fic. The reader has the casts approval and support, and the way they came out was fantastic. I almost cried, no lie. Ash’s fics are always fantastic but this hit me in an unsuspected way. 
Once Upon A Dream (oneshot) by @welldonebeca
I haven’t honestly seen that many Human!Gabe fics let alone Alpha!Gabe at that.  The story is so sweet.
Fallen Productions (series) by @welldonebeca  
I always admire authors who can write A/B/O but this mini series works its way through the original Team Free Will in a different way.  
He Is (series) by @coffee-obsessed-writer
This whole series is super sweet. Each chapter shows just what Dean means to you, and Jen nails it in each of them.
Make You Feel My Love (series) by @sofreddie 
This was such a sweet A/B/O series.  I love that Dean and the reader took their time, I mean Dean eased her through her earlier heats but I think it was sweet that it was just smut off the bat.  
Nominated by @iflostreturntosteverogers
Almond Milk Lies (series) by @fictionalabyss  
Mel is a fantastic writer 💕
Nominated by @shy-violet-soul 
The Girl Next Door (series) by @luci-in-trenchcoats 
An engaging AU, this writer keeps you hooked with well-paced timing & plot. Portrayal of characters is consistent with the show, which other fics struggle with when not in the SPN world. The story line is believable and genuine, and I enjoy the banter between the 2 main pairing-folks. Bravo!
Sunsets by @crispychrissy 
Damn. This work is so beautifully painful, or painfully beautiful, it’s hard to find words. I don’t want to comment on a favorite part to avoid giving away the plot. But this writer has captured a lesser-written character powerfully and consistently, and hooks you in with strong imagery and pacing. Hold on to your heartstrings for this one. 
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Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!
As with the BFAs, these are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D
THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!
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nekokoaa · 6 years ago
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Wolves Among Us - Bakugo x Reader (VI)
Wolves Among Us – Bakugo x Reader
Series Warnings: Fantasy AU, Fluff, NSFW
(Chapter VI/XX) 
I'm a little sleepy and in need for a nap so if the words are a little wonky sounding then that's why lol I'll come back to edit it of course! Enjoy, loves!
(Chapter I) (Chapter II) (Chapter III) (Chapter IV) (Chapter V) (Chapter VI) ((ALL CHAPTERS ARE IN MY MASTERLIST))
Taglist: (If you ever want to get added, just tell meh)
@freedom-for-bum @reallyfuckingangrylatina @risarisarisaa @ashherssss @mels-heart @xa-dia @shanty-lol
Inspired by The Company of Wolves by Angela Carter
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VI:
Their taunting laughs made your stomach turn. Men in all shapes and sizes, ranging in various colors from the fairest snow to the rich darkness of the night, surrounded you in a heartbeat. They beat their axes in their rough hands, the repeated impact of the wooden handle against their palms sounded like the ticking of a clock. You had thrown yourself over Katsuki’s limp body to shield him from their eyes, although it was quite useless because they were well aware of the wolf they had caught. As you looked through their faces, you had recognized some. You had seen their sadistic smirks and ugly mugs around the marketplace near the tavern where they would hang out in the front with a bottle of beer in their hands, loud in conversation as they talked about nothing but women and the latest kill they did of a wolf. Hunters were infamous around your village but was needed for whenever a wolf was spotted. Your people had no choice but to endure their presence and because of that hunters tended to be cocky and repulsive.
“Don’t touch him!” You screeched when one of them took a step forward, his smirk never fell and that same boot he used to step forward was thrusted into your side, the impact so immerse that it winded all the air out from your lungs and flung you until you landed in a pile of snow near a tree. The men laughed, one of them picking up Katsuki and throwing him over his shoulder.
“This the right wolf, ma’am?” He patted Katsuki on the back, turning slightly to the figure that walked out between the shrouded trees and into the flickering light of the torch. It brought the appearance of wrinkly eyes pronounced by the shadows, crowfeet that could be seen a mile away to where you could trace a map to it. That kind smile that you were often greeted with in the marketplace was nowhere to be found on her face. You couldn’t recognize her as there was nothing but pure anger emitting from her body.
“Yes, it is.” The shopkeeper that you usually went to buy meat from quickly scurried over to you, placing her hands on your shoulders to help you up. Once you found your balance you threw yourself away from her with your eyes gleaming with betrayal. You didn’t even bother to dust the snow off of your clothes.
“You did this…? Why?” You lost your voice for a moment due to the shock but slowly, you felt yourself getting consumed by anger. “Katsuki didn’t do anything! He means no harm!”
“Shush! Dear ____. We’re in the presence of the hunters. If you be quiet, maybe they’ll let your little affair go.” She held on to your forearms, and when she leaned closer, you tried to back away as you could slightly smell the decay coming from her teeth. “I saw your little fling in the forest last week. Izuku would be so upset if he hears about this.”
“If you saw us, then you know Katsuki is innocent!”
“Innocent or not… He’s still a monster. And that’s all he’ll ever be.” You ripped your arms away from her grip the second you had a chance. You rushed over to the man holding Katsuki, your hands into fists as you tried to beat on his chest. He laughed mockingly at you, using his free hand to shove you as hard as he could. You fell upon the snow again and instantly you were up, rushing at him.
“Stupid woman.” You heard one of them say, his face so full of amusement.
You couldn’t keep track of how many times the hunters had shoved you to the ground, but you knew you wouldn’t stop until Katsuki was safe in your arms again. You didn’t want to lose him, not when you just found out his feelings were mutual. You couldn’t logically think of a way out of this situation and somehow, you thought you have the strength of a million boars to handle these men.
“____, please!” The shopkeeper tried to restrain you, but you slipped from her and hurled towards the men. The desperate look in your eyes staring them down like prey.
“Put him down!!” You screamed. You could feel the tears start to blur your vision and the bitter cold immediately drying them and sticking to your eyelashes like glue. You ran at them with all you had, expecting to be pushed upon the snow again but surprisingly, the hunters froze as well as the shopkeeper. The sole sound of a howl had traveled through the dark skies…. But it wasn’t coming from the wolf that laid limply on the hunter’s shoulder but from the shadows.
The hunters instantly went on guard, clutching their axes and waving their torches around in order to reveal the lurking wolf. The whistling of the wind and the shallow breathing of men filled the silent spaces. The trees suddenly looked like they were caving in around you, their barks slightly bent as their branches shivered in the breeze. The shadows were crawling through the snow, not even the flickering torch in the hands of the hunter was spared from the darkness.
It ignited all at once. The flash of red, the torch falling upon the snow, the chilling screams of the man holding Katsuki, and the splattering sound of blood hitting ice. The thud of bodies that imprinted the ground of their figures made the tiny hairs of your skin stand. You stood there watching two hunters fall into a bloodied mess. The flame of the torch was miraculously still burning despite touching the snow but was steadily dying. The figure of the night was briefly shown by the faint light and revealed it to be a wolf with hair as red as the blood on his hands. Fangs were being bared and the skin between his nose were wrinkled. And he had eyes similar to Katsuki’s, steady and full of fire. You couldn’t lift your eyes from him.
“M-Monster!!” You heard the shopkeeper’s screech and the crunch of her footsteps as she fled from the scene. The rest of the hunters were alarmed by the sudden fall of their comrades and they scattered, leaving you to deal with the wolf.
The flame of the torch finally died out and the moon broke through the thick clouds as the pale lighting had returned to the forest. The foreign wolf paid you no mind and he walked past the dead to Katsuki’s body and kneeled beside him.
“Hey buddy, you okay?” He asked, shaking him slightly. Katsuki didn’t respond and you quickly joined him on the ground, your heart dropped to your stomach.
“They-They shot him in the neck with something!” You looked into Katsuki’s face and brought a hand to caress his cheek. The wolf finally looked at you as if he just noticed your presence. His eyebrows rose, and his eyes widened.
“Y-You’re…” He then burst out laughing, clutching his side. It was amazing how innocent he looked even when covered in blood. The smile that appeared on his face was bright and oddly enough, it had shaken your worries away in an instant.
“Don’t worry about Katsuki, they just knocked him out. I’ll get him home.” He informed you, lugging Katsuki’s heavy body over his shoulder. He did it without so much of a sweat. His smile remained when he stood up and he waved quickly before taking a step back. “You’ll be fine heading home, right? Later!”
“Um! Wait!” You took a step forward. “I don’t think I can, actually. After what I did…” You knew what waited for you at your village. Exile. You sided with the wolves and would be marked as a traitor. There was no mercy when it came to people who did. You couldn’t return. “Can I come with you…?”
The wolf looked you over silently, uneasiness crossed over his expression. “You’re very trusting for a human… but uh…”
“Please, I want to go with you. I’m a friend of Katsuki’s.”
“I mean—I know you are, but that alone can’t really protect you. Not many wolves are fond of humans and I don’t know how our pack will react to you. Let alone our leader…” He shot a glance at Katsuki.
“But…” His eyes returned to you and your head was slightly down. Your voice was full of worry and when you finally looked up at him, the wolf’s ears dropped at the sight of your face. You were looking at him with the biggest moist eyes he ever seen. You resembled a trembling rabbit underneath his gaze, afraid of being left in the dark alone. “Where will I go?”
Your words convinced him faster. He just couldn’t leave you here. It wasn’t right in his eyes. “Alright, I’ll try my best to protect you. How much of a man would I be if I left a woman like you alone in the forest? Maybe I can talk to our leader for you too.”
----------------
The wolf who had saved you and Katsuki from the hunters introduced himself as Eijirou. He was a friend of Katsuki but really a distant relative. Eijirou explained how their families come from one common ancestor, hence the famous crimson eyes past down from generation to generation. He didn’t go in depth about the common ancestor or the status of his and Katsuki’s family within the pack. You weren’t sure why he was talking so much, it could’ve been because he noticed how often you glanced at Katsuki’s body on his shoulder. The solemn look in your eyes caused his heart to pang. Eijirou had a soft spot for beautiful sad women, and you were not an exception.
The journey to Katsuki’s pack wasn’t a very long one. It resided in the mountains at the end of the forest. The elevation of the land started to rise and there was a pathway leading into the mountains. The higher you two got, the more the temperature dropped. There was a lot of snow on the mountain caps, but the weight couldn’t make the mountain bow no matter how heavy it became. The snow on ground was up to your calves but the boots you wore at least protected you from getting frostbite. You only wished that you weren’t wearing a long skirt so that you could scale the mountain easier but walking around with only your tights on wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do either.
“Almost there.” Said Eijirou, and he wasn’t wrong. You heard the distant howls of wolves echoing through the mountains and footprints could be seen in the snow leading up the path. A small obstacle was met, and you had to climb up a mountain wall as tall as you. Eijirou went over first and then he helped you over, he had to shift Katsuki onto his back to do so but it still impressed you how at some point he was able to support your and Katsuki’s weight. Truly, wolves were strong.
Over the wall, the pathway continued until you reached an opening of the land. It was like a large crater within the mountain and on the mountainside was littered with caves that were unnaturally formed, it was like the openings of beehives without the geometrical shape. Almost all of the caves had a dim light shining from within them and tall torches were planted along the edge of the area and some lanterns were even hung from cave entrance to entrance.
You didn’t miss the low growls that sounded from within them and you saw the wolves cautiously leaving their caves, their eyes were fixed to your figure. You saw a variety of wolves, from the stoic men to the strong women and their timid children, clutching at their legs with their tiny claws and snarling as best as they could with their juvenile fangs. These wolves were far from what you were told, cautious, yes, but far from the vicious monsters your village seemed to claim. They had a life and family and friends, everything that the people from your village could relate to.
And at the very top where the highest cave resided stood a woman at the landing with pale blonde hair and eyes more intense than the wolves slowly surrounding you. She stood with her head held high and the wind carrying her hair as if it belongs with the flurries around her. You were fearful of her presence yet still in awe by it. And then she jumped down from her height with such grace that you felt your heart stop the moment her feet flawlessly touch the ground. She stalked towards you and Kirishima, the crowd of wolves splitting a path for her to walk through. The closer she got, the more familiar she became. Not only was she gorgeous but her eyes were like Katsuki’s, blood-red, and beautiful like fire lilies.
“What is a human doing here?” She growled, stopping right in front of you. You could hear the wolves behind her mimicking her growls. Eijirou quickly cut an arm between you and the woman and moved in front of you.
“She’s a friend of Katsuki. I found them in the woods together when hunters tried to attack them. They knocked out Katsuki too.” Eijirou placed Katsuki on the ground in front of her and the woman instantly sucked her teeth and looked away.
“Take the weak brat to his cave.” She motioned to the wolves behind her and two men emerged from the crowd and carried Katsuki away into one of the caves.
“Also, she tried to help Katsuki and got exiled from her village because of that, I couldn’t leave her, so I brought her back here.”
The woman sighed. “You can leave us, Eijirou, and thank you for bringing him back.”
“No worries!” Eijirou nodded and then he turned to you and placed a hand on your shoulder. He gave you a small smile to assure you that everything would be okay before leaving you alone with her. You watched him as he retreated into the crowd and then was bombarded by three children throwing themselves at him before you could get a closer look, the woman had grabbed you by your arm and motioned for you to walk with her.
“Friend of Katsuki, huh? What’s your name, human?”
“It’s ____.” You answered wearily. Her eyes were so intense that you kept yours to the floor.
“You’re the one my son’s been sneaking off to see?”
You gasped and looked up to meet her eyes. The fear you felt before disappearing at her revelation. “S-Son?! You’re Katsuki’s mother? You look like you could be his sister!”
That intensity in her eyes softened at your words. A bright smile was on her face and it was like she was a completely different person.
“Really, you’re just playing with me.” She laughed shortly, followed by a scowl. Already, she was back to a usual Katsuki. “Besides, that ungrateful brat always calls me old. Just wait till he wakes up… what kind of a wolf falls that easily to hunters?”
“Well… there was a lot of them.”
“Making excuses for him?” She stopped walking and smirked at the blush that blossomed on your cheeks.
“I-I-I-Um…” You didn’t want to tell her he was too busy making out with you against the tree.
She gave a comforting hand to your shoulder. “Just relax, you seem like such a sweet girl, ____. A little too sweet for my son. I know how he can be, full of himself and aggressive. He has every right to be because of how strong he is. But I’ve noticed he’s changed not because he’s maturing but because… well, maybe because of you.” His mother’s eyes looked distant for a moment, like she had drifted off into memory of her own. She looked vulnerable which didn’t fit with the woman who was standing so proudly before. “I don’t know what your plans are with my son or what you plan to do now that you’re exiled but…” She paused, whatever weakness she had before was nonexistent and her gaze sharpened when you met with them. “I’ll trust you because Katsuki does too.”
“Th-Thank you.” You nodded, and her expression relaxed into a soft smile. She started to lead you closer to an entrance of a cave. “He’s in here, just follow the path, first room on the left.”
You gave the cave a glance, the path curved within, so you couldn’t see where it led to. You thanked her again and she pushed you softly on your back to encourage you. Before you stepped inside, you gave her another look and she was still smiling. Her eyes gentle like fire lilies in the wind.
“You can call me Mitsuki, by the way.”
-------------------
The silence from the flickering candles were deafening to anyone with normal hearing but to Katsuki, he could hear the gentle crackling of the burning strings and the wax trickling down as it slowly melts itself into a puddle. He could smell the musky scent of smoke filling the air and the slight warmth from the flame. He shifted softly because of it, and a groan had left him. His senses were waking up from their slumber.
“Katsuki…?” He then heard your sweet voice that sounded rather close to him. Immediately, his eyes opened, and his vision quickly adjusted to the sight of the dimmed ceilings of the cave. He recognized it to be the cave he usually spends his time in. He wouldn’t want to call it his room because technically his room was next to his mother’s, but he always tried his best to avoid staying in that room because of that very reason.
The next thing he saw was your face as you were leaning over him and then he felt your hand in his. Even with your face mostly casted by the shadows caused by the flames, you still looked beautiful.
“Where are those fuckers?” He spoke softly yet his words were none but venomous. He brought a hand to his forehead, but he kept the one you were holding still by his side. He realized his head was being propped up by a cushion stuffed with feathers and under him was a cloth made out of sheep’s wool.  
“Some dead. The others ran away.”
Katsuki snorted. He started to prop himself up on his elbows, “Good. I’ll make sure the others join them in hell,” but you pushed at his chest to settle him down.
“You should relax, Katsuki. Please…” You pleaded with him, sharing gazes for a moment. It must’ve been the glow from the flame because Katsuki’s face looked flushed before he laid back down on the cloth. He looked towards the candles to his left to avoid looking at you. They were twitching wildly in place on top of a table, desperate to cling on to anything to grow. He wanted to find amusement in it, but he couldn’t avoid the question that lingered in his mind after your statement.
“So, who killed them?”
“Eijirou. He saved us and brought me here. I sided with you so… I’m sure my village will exile me.” Katsuki didn’t like your tone, how matter-of-fact it was, like it didn’t matter to you. Did you not know how serious your statement was?
You saw his eyebrows knit together and his next words came out in a growl that rumbled the stone floor under your fingertips. “Why didn’t you run like I told you to?”
Your face almost mirrored his but was twisted with confusion about his words. “You think I could’ve left you there to die to the hunters?”
“And you think I would’ve died to them?” You knew how prideful Katsuki could get, but this was ridiculous. There was not a chance for Katsuki to survive if you had left him tonight. He would’ve been dead, or a trophy hanged above the fireplace of a hunter’s cabin labeled ‘best kill of the day’. Katsuki had sat up, completely turning to face you with a glare you were all too familiar with.
“Katsuki! They knocked you out! There was no chance in winning that!”
“It’s better than being fucking exiled from your village! Do you even know what that means?! You can never return home! You’re leaving everything behind! Your life, family, friends! What don’t you get?!”
“I couldn’t leave you there!” You screamed, throwing your fists down against your thighs. You heard your voice resonating throughout the cave and wouldn’t be surprised if some wolves had heard you. They already had fantastic hearing. “What don’t you get…? After all that happened, how could I even dream of leaving you there?” You knew there was a splitting decision you had to make in that moment. Your life or Katsuki’s life. Were you to betray your village for a wolf and abandon your lifestyle and friends for the enemy of mankind? It wasn’t exactly a hard decision to make. You couldn’t imagine your life without Katsuki anymore. Without Katsuki, there was no life for you.
But Katsuki couldn’t help but feel guilty of your decision. Why did such a sacrifice need to be made just for you and him to be together? He wasn’t angry at you but more of himself for crossing that boundary with you and being more than just friends. He couldn’t control himself from your words then in the forest and even now, as your tears slid down your cheeks after the outburst of your confession. You always shined no matter what emotion you were showing and Katsuki was drawn to it like a fly, repeatedly smacking his head upon the glass to reach the light that shone within you. Because, perhaps, any darkness that existed within him would fade at the slightest glimpse of it.
Katsuki kissed your lips to fill his soul of your light. A soft, feathery kiss that made you relax into him. A kiss of relief. Your hands rested on his shoulders and you felt Katsuki’s arms holding your waist. He supported your entire weight without any troubles and all at once, it felt as if your problems had melted away. It was such an innocent kiss, far from the one against the tree where you were held breathless and heated, passion oozing from each other’s tongues and filled with vigor. This time, it felt like you could read the emotion of Katsuki right off the page, word to word, reciting them together as one with your lips. He loved you and you loved him.
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joiedecombat · 5 years ago
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Screencap instead of reply again, this time because I FAIL AT TUMBLR. Sorry!
This one's pure fluff. I've been wanting to do something with the concept since “Hearts and Minds” dropped, and the prompt provided a perfect idea to pin it on. So thank you very much, @honekitteh! :D 
29: The smell of burning wood.
Maia broke the surface of the water with a gasp. "Stars, that's cold!"
Theron laughed. Blinking water from her eyes, she looked toward the sound and found him grinning at her across the beginnings of a flame he’d nursed to life in the firepit they’d dug out before they got... distracted. “Not sure what you were expecting,” he said, “jumping into a spring in the middle of the mountains.”
“All right, fair.” She grinned back at him, then ducked under again just long enough to sweep her hair back out of her face. The breath-stealing cold of the natural spring washed over her, carrying away sweat and fatigue and leaving just the lingering pleasant ache of exertion. “Are you sure you don’t want to join me?” she asked.
He responded with a snort and a quick shake of his head. “No thanks. Not that getting wet and naked with you isn’t always high on my list of priorities...” His eyes traced the refracted shape of her body through the crystal-clear water with a look that had Maia’s skin heating. “...but I’m really more of a hot tub kind of guy.”
It was about the answer she’d expected, but she let out an exaggerated sigh anyway. “Too bad.” Kicking off the bottom of the little pond, she tipped onto her back and let herself float. The Odessen sky overhead was darkening into twilight, a few scattered stars glimmering to life as sunset faded. Chilled as she was, Maia felt sensitized, tingling and hyperconscious of everything around her - the soft chorus of insects humming in the woods around them. The deep green fragrance of the mountain air mingling with the sharp woodsmoke from Theron’s campfire. The Force, flowing through all of it in a steady, inexorable current.
“You don’t know what you’re missing.”
“Oh, I’ve got a pretty good idea,” Theron said dryly. “I’ll pass on your whole adventure in hypothermia. You sure this isn’t some lingering Jedi asceticism thing?”
The word ‘Jedi’ landed like a rock dropped into a still pool, but Maia pushed the twinge of unease aside and rolled over in the water. She dipped under again for a moment, before balance reasserted itself and brought her bobbing back up. “It’s refreshing, that’s all.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
A couple of strokes carried her to the edge of the pond. She folded her arms over the smooth surface of a mostly-submerged boulder and, thus anchored, let the rest of her body float, watching Theron as he fed more sticks into the steadily-growing fire. Its shifting circle of light dyed him shades of red-gold, warm against the gathering shadows. Even from this distance, Maia could just feel its heat brush over her water-chilled face like a promise. 
“You’re really good at that,” she observed, tipping her head to indicate the campfire.
“You could sound a little less surprised.” Despite the complaint, his tone was easy. “That’d be good.”
“Sorry,” she said on an embarrassed laugh. “I didn’t mean… It’s just that I had it in my head that you were too much of an urbanite to enjoy this kind of thing. Getting lost in the woods, and all.” 
He hummed thoughtfully. “Well,” he said, “I’m not planning on building a house out here or anything. And I’d still prefer a hot tub. But since Manaan’s a little too far for a day trip...” 
“More’s the pity.”
“...if it gets us a few hours at a stretch guaranteed free from anyone showing up expecting you to personally fix the problems of the galaxy, I can’t think of a better reason to dust off my SIS wilderness survival training.”
Even immersed in the icy cold of the spring, Maia felt warmth bloom deep within her chest. “I’m glad,” she said. “This was a good idea.”
“I do have them.” 
Theron pushed himself to his feet, took a moment to brush his hands off against his thighs. “Speaking of which--” He snagged a blanket out of the pack of camping supplies they’d brought with them from the base, circling around the firepit towards the spring. “--you need to get out of there before you start turning blue.”
“I’m--” Fine, she’d meant to say, but as soon as she spoke Maia realized her lips were starting to tremble. “--okay, yes. You’re right.”
She took the hand he offered and let him pull her up onto dry ground. Out of the water, her body felt heavy, cleansed but quivering from the sudden bite of the breeze against her wet skin. Then Theron had the blanket around her, bundling her into the fire-warmed fabric. She leaned into it, and him, with a grateful sigh. “Oh, that’s nice.”
“You’re welcome.” He tried for deadpan, but he wasn’t trying very hard. 
Maia laughed quietly and tipped her head back to press a kiss to the angle of his jaw. “Thank you.”
By the time they were settled in at the fireside, she felt suffused with calm, more relaxed than she’d let herself feel in months. Nestled back against Theron’s chest, cocooned in the blanket with his arms around her waist and the heat and comfortable smoky scent of the fire washing over her, she’d temporarily shed the responsibilities and expectations of Alliance Commander. The problems of the galaxy seemed as distant as the stars overhead - more of them every moment as dusk gave way to night, but lightyears away, too far to have any impact.
Closing her eyes, she let the sense of well-being envelop her. “It’s too bad we didn’t think of doing this sooner,” she said, a little wistful. “Missed opportunities.”
Theron tugged her a little closer, lips glancing over her temple before he rested his head against hers. “We’ll just have to make up for lost time.”
“Hmm.” A sudden burst of inspiration had her twisting around, wriggling within his embrace until she could loop her arms around his neck. “I think…” She drew out the word, punctuated it with a playful kiss. “...One of us is wearing too many clothes for that.”
Laughter vibrated through him, low and husky. “Oh, really?” He bent his head to hers, eyes lambent with reflected firelight. “Pretty sure that’s a problem we can solve.”
The next kiss was long and lingering. Pulling him with her, Maia fell back into the bedroll, and the two of them lost themselves in each other again.
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throwness · 6 years ago
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Saeran/Ray Route. AKA THE UGLY CRY ROUTE. Spoilers Ahead!
Alright where do I begin. . . If you thought 707’s route hurt you, nope. Ray’s route I can almost guarantee will make you ugly cry.
Lets talk about rays route shall we?
So we’re not gonna ignore that Saeran kidnapped you from the very beginning but I mean MC what kind of basic lack of home training do you have that you legit iust followed a yolo text telling you to get into a car to be taken to an undisclosed location.
Oh yes enter Ray persona. “Test my game for me you beautiful creature that I’m already admittedly probably in love with because I have no reference for what it feels like to be loved or in love. But you make me feel less lonely so please don’t leave me.”
Ray is a princely figure throughout your first couple days with him. Only to later realize that Rika has utterly adopted his mothers tactics to manipulate him into doing what she wants out of what is essentially pure spite. Rika also adopts the persona of being Saeran’s true mother as she calls herself. Oddly enough, you actually get more insight on what type of person Rika is and how she perceived herself in Ray’s route than V’s.
Even in everyone’s else’s route before Saeran I never found myself actually attracted to Saeran. Rather, I found him to be someone that was grossly similar to Rika in the fact that he simply wanted to be accepted and loved by anyone. No matter what love meant to the other person. He was willing to devote his entire being simply for the other person to achknowledge him as a person. This becomes even more clear if you get Rays bad ending. It’s clear to see why even in past routes Rika was more than just Rika, she was a godly being for Saeran. Albeit through means of heavily drugging him and manipulative tactics but that’s how he saw Rika. Just as he named you his goddess, Rika was the all mighty savior.
Ray is already very upset that he has to take the elixir. It causes him to undergo pain beyond measure. Which is why he goes so out of his way to do everything he can so that the player doesn’t have to take the elixir. He even goes to make a fake exilir in case Rika asks for MC to drink it to prove herself.
This poor sweet child has been nothing but continuously abused and used as a tool.
He himself thinks he’s no good. BECAUSE LITERALLY HE HAS BEEN CONDITIONED LIKE THIS HIS ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. LIKE PLEASE I JUST WANT TO PROTECT YOU AND LET YOU BE HAPPY. LOOK AT HOW FRAGILE HE IS. YOU CAN STILL SEE THE OLD WOUNDS HIS MOTHER GAVE HIM ON HIS BODY
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Like this poor baby STOPPPPP. When they released Ray’s route I did not expect myself to cry as much as I did going through this route.
NOW let’s transition to Saeran persona. We’re also not going to ignore that Saeran abused MC for literally days. Both trying to manipulate her and physically starving her so she’s weakened. I think we all knew from the beginning that Saeran was projecting all his fears and feelings onto MC in hopes of personifying his perceived weaker self and dominating them. I’m not excusing any of this AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Someone being mentally ill does not give them any rights to abuse others around them because they are damaged. But this is also where I was very emotionally driven. This arc stirred an anger in me towards both Rika and V. As most of us know it has been about six months since Rika had disappeared. But thing is Saeran was taken in by Rika and V a LONG while before. Like Rika you literally killed his mom how has this not come up anywhere in conversation????? LIKE REALLY DID YOU LEGIT GET AWAY WITH MURDER??? I digress. What makes me so angry is that ONLY FKING RIGHT NOW does V actually realize “maybe....I waited too long and should have helped Saeran and protected him LIKE I PROMISED SAEYOUNG ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AND NOT LIED ABOUT IT UNTIL HE WAS SO TRAUMATIZED THAT HIS PERSONALITY SPLIT”. LIKE V???? YOU JUST SEE THAT NOW? RIGHT NOW????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDNT REALIZE WHAT RIKA HAS DONE TO HIM??? YOU BEEN FOLLOWING HER SINCE SHE FOUNDED MINT EYE SHE HAS A ENTIRE FOLLOWING OF PEOPLE???? YOU KNEW SHE WAS MENTALLY ILL LIKE??? HUH????? Okayyyyyy. . .
Back to Saeran. Even as MC is getting tortured by Saeran this is the scene that broke me in this route.
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His complete breakdown after being unable to cope with his feelings and being unable to break MC. This is the scene where he says something along the lines of “I’ll just kill you now so you can’t torment me; only I can torment you” and where he desperately tries to get a response from MC.
I’m not sure how everyone else responded but when it came to the choose I chose to say nothing. The following line of Saeran saying “why aren’t you saying anything? Tell me! TELL ME IT’S PAINFUL!” Completely broke me. I realized here he still just wants someone to accept him....in the form of him as their abuser...but accepting him nonetheless. Also props to Saeran’s VA. You screamed a lot in this my dude. It paided off. You made Saeran become really alive delivering all your lines the way you did. Honestly even above Rika’s VA, you did....amazing. You’re both amazing but DAMN YOU MADE ME TOO EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED.
Anyway,
The line is delivered so desperately. He just wants a response any response. Silence is just the same as death for him. What good is a toy that won’t respond to you? Validate me as a person that is strong and not useless. Only my toy makes me feel whole.
Saeran and Ray are entirely the same. “Please don’t leave me. I’m scared. ”. Of course Ray and Saeran are the same person. After this....his decision to tell V to take MC away from here seals the deal. That’s Saeran’s way of saying he loves you enough to let you go. That sounds cliche af but that’s what happen. The difference is the deliverance of how it went about is what made it worthwhile.
He spent 9 days trying to do one thing. And that was to get you to not leave. Now he just wants you to be okay even in his madness.
I wont lie. V did save redeem himself a little when he came clean. And the proceeded to of course OF COURSE sacrifice himself and be putty in Rika’s hands. Yes Rika is a monster. Granted I still stand by my opinion that she isn’t the monster that some people make her out to be, but she’s still a monster. When Ray/Saeran become one and shows Rika all the receipts I mean I was Z-snapping everywhere tbh.
Both Saeran and Rika became what they hated most. Their mothers. The difference is Rika believed it made her strong, Saeran realized that’s what made him weak.
Overall I think Ray’s route was the most impactful for several reasons. But I’ll just name two.
1. The entire story has VAs. The delivery of the lines make a difference in how we perceive the characters. A lot of the times we have to imagine how they said it. Here we actually get to hear how it was intended. It made it that more immersive to the point of sometimes I forget this is just a game.
2. The story was well driven and you don’t get the complete satisfaction of everyone’s happy ending. This was intentional of course. Someone has to lose their life. You spend most your life hiding with Saeran and Rika has V wrapped back in her fingers...Continuing the cycle of their toxic relationship. Until we get an after ending for both V and Ray. I have to say these reviews are incomplete.
You made it to the end. Thank you!
Enjoy happy pictures.
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Honestly I think Saeran has the best kiss out of all.
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semi-imaginary-place · 6 years ago
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KH3 is like half a game, it feels incomplete and clunky. It sets up events that never happen and tries to force moments without having the build up to support them. The game does some things really well and reaches some truly heartfelt emotional beats and solid character moments.
3:48 PM - 31 Jan 20191 reply0 retweets1 likeReply 1 Retweet  Like 1 View Tweet activity
The Disney (and Pixar) worlds were pretty well incorporated and mostly able to contribute thematically to the game unlike sometimes in past games were the worlds were kind of just dropped into the game.
The Toy Box much like Halloween Town brings up how dolls/toys/those who begin as inanimate objects can gain hearts. Monstropolis allows a plausible  entry point for Vanitas with the connection between fear induced scream  energy and the negative emotions of the unversed.
Of all the worlds, I enjoyed Sora's time with the Big Hero 6 gang the most. Their interactions felt genuine and I had a lot of fun watching them. It also had the most complete arc of the worlds with the continuation of the movie's theme of living after loss.
Most of the worlds' story arcs felt incomplete. Starting in Olympus we are left hanging with Pete finding Pandora's box and the city in ruins. The story just kind of ends. There also was not enough time and build up to give significance to Hercules' choice to rejoin the mortals.
In Twilight Town, with all the discussion surrounding hearts and data from Coded to KH2 to KH3, that a whole other Twilight Town exists was completely dropped. It felt like the game was leading the audience somewhere and then never followed through.
With the Toy Box, the Sora, Goofy, and Donald leave and don't come back with Woody, Buzz, and the others still stranded in another world just hoping to one day meet Andy again. The search for Andy and the other toys is the main arc for this world and its never resolved.
While some worlds aren't quite as obviously half a story arc, all of them could have used more time. Many of them assume you have already seen the source material. In Frozen, Hans being the villian is the big twist but with the first half of the movie cut, there's no impact.
Pirates of the Caribbean makes no sense to anyone who hasn't seen the movies. I wish there was a scene of Sora unlocking Tia Dalma given how it was setup to happen. There was good characterization for Sora here though on how both he and Jack are free spirits.
The Winnie the Poo part while sweet (because I love Winnie the Poo sections) doesn't go anywhere. Sora just loses his connection with Poo and disappears from the cover, and then a few mini games later he's back. Sora's comment on how their bond has weakened never goes anywhere.
In the other games you search for lost pages or help Poo regain his memories, here there is no story. It's a lost opportunity to do, well something,  but that can be said of much of the game. They could have used this part to talk about how relationships must be nurtured.
The ending also fell a bit flat because of the buildup-payoff problem. The game tries to show the characters despairing only for someone to swoop in and give them hope. The problem is that in the Keyblade Graveyard they do this so many times it loses its impact.
Given the amount of stuff this game should have resolved, not enough time was spent on that. Instead precious time was spent trying to create sequel hooks. In doing so, the cohesiveness of the game as a unit was compromised. The game was too short for all they tried to achieve.
At times the narrative would point "Look! its a  happy/sad/intense/etc. scene", but without a proper build up, these  scenes lacked emotional weight.
I'm conflicted on KHUX in KH3.  I liked Chirithy reuniting with Ven, Laurium possibly remembering, and Strelitzia's maybe cameo. The black box stuff could have been cut. Its to connect  KHUX with future games, but it does nothing for the Xehanort saga and bogs KH3 down.
Then there is the mysterious girl with connections to Lea, Isa, and Ansem that we are only hearing of now. Who is she? Is she Ava? I don't know but they should have saved it for another game.
I thought all the keyblades of the Union members coming to help was a nice touch, but why did Ephemer of all people show up? He was a Dandelion; the player was the one who chose to stay (except the player has no canon appearance in khux which makes them hard to depict).
On one hand I got really excited looking for my KHUX username but on the other hand it was a little too 4th wall breaking and took me out of the game. The other 4th wall leaning scenes with Axel didn't do it for me either.
I did like the definitely-not-instagram loading screens. They were just this side of absurd to be amusing. It was cute. Humor is a subjective thing but I didn't like the increase in jokes in this game. It broke immersion for me.
Some were funny like Verum Rex. Others though felt forced. KH3 had more Donald, Sora, and Goofy poking fun at each other. At first it was fun, but then they kept doing it and it got old.
Maybe its because of all the jokes and narrative problems broke my immersion in the game or maybe its because I'm older now, but KH3 wasn't as magical an experience for me as the other games.
I don't mean magic in how many spells Donald can cast but in that sense wonder, that the extraordinary is possible. That sense of magic is why the Roxas prologue of KH2 is one of my favorite parts of the franchise.
Part of it also is that the section where Sora goes saving everyone's hearts from the Lich after they "died" didn't reach me emotionally. Which is a shame since the part right before where Sora runs around in the Final World and talks with the stars is one of my favorite parts.
I was surprised we didn't see more Dives to the Heart and battles at the center of the heart given the Terranort, Ventus-Vanitas, Xion, etc. After Sora got the power of awakening I was expecting him and Riku to use that to free Xion and Terra.
And then we would get an epic battle where Terra finally kicks Xehanort out of his own body. I also wanted to see Aqua beat up Xehanort. Aqua's suppose to be super strong from spending 10 years in the Realm of Darkness.
Kairi deserved better. Kairi deserved more. 3 games (II, 3D, III) on how Kairi trains to become a keyblade wielder and she doesn't get to do anything. Why was she kidnapped anyways? The answer is to give an excuse for Sora at the end to have a "I must do this alone" moment.
Kairi was kidnapped just so Sora could angst over her and so he could go save her. She deserved better.
The developers really pushed the Sora-Kairi romance this game. I was disoriented since we since the last game we saw a lot of romantic indications was 17 years ago in KH1. Riku got third-wheeled this game.
Enough complaining, parts that worked pretty well/were well executed: Big Hero 6, Monsters Inc, Sora finding the Door to Darkness in Destiny Islands and Aqua returning to the Realm of Light, Sora's interaction with other characters(Rapunzel, BH6, Jack, etc), the Final World.
Visually the environments are amazing! I was so happy running around everywhere. Its pretty. (and the heartless are cute)
KH3 was on the low side for number of worlds visited. Again, I'm surprised how (comparatively) short the game is. There was a lack on Final Fantasy characters as well (or well videogame characters given how TWEWY was in 3D).
I would have loved to see a Moana world. Moana, Maui, and Sora interactions would have been great. Thematically it would have worked too since Moana's plot centers on how Te Fiti losing her heart changed her.
In every KH there's always been some wham moments and that didn't happen to me at all in KH3... until the every end with Luxu. Many of us have been suspicious of Xigbar for a very long time. His organization chair height is too high. He seems to know more than he should...
As much as I am complaining, I do like the Kingdom Hearts III. Its a good game.
I've said it before, but KH:coded is a thematic summary of the entire series and one of the important points in that game is how Data Sora understands hurt. Data Sora understood how to live through hurt and this is something we see Sora learn as well through the games.
In CoM Sora did not understand this. All the way to 3D he did not know how to deal with hurt so when Roxas shared all his pain, that contributed to Sora sinking into darkness. In KH3 though Sora has grown and can accept hurt.
I would have though liked to have seen a more overt conclusion to Sora's relationship to darkness. Sora has always had darkness in him, he's not a princess of heart (or Ven) and there were hints before KH3 that he was falling to darkness.
Anti/Rage form are a manifestations of that darkness. Maybe this was just sloppy character writing, but Sora is noticeably meaner during KH2 and at the end he says "maybe the darkness has gotten to me, too". In KH3, besides rage form Sora's darkness isn't directly addressed.
Back to UX. The devs connected the epilogue, the secret reports, and UX well. That's all that was needed really. From Backcover we already know the black box is important. KH3 shouldn't have wasted time focusing on it.
And about X girl )Shuld?? idk). It really is awkward how they bring her into KH3. If she's the reason Lea and Isa got into this mess they should have dropped a line in 358/2 or one of the other games something like "Don't forget we're doing this for her"
Another good scene was Aqua giving Ven head pats. This gave me life.
Scala ad Caelum was built inverse on top of Daybreak Town. I didn't notice! Never mind what I said earlier, there's the "oh shit... what" moment. I'm just going to sit here mind blown thinking of all the implications...
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lewnatic · 6 years ago
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For the D&D asks, 1-20
Oh gosh, okay. This is gonna be long so I’m gonna do it under a cut.
What was your favorite Nat 1 Experience?
I don’t think a lot of my characters have had really funny Nat1 moments, sadly. I will always remember the one when @zhixx​ made a goblin named Spook’em specifically designed to have the least survivability possible. The first time he was downed he rolled a Nat1 on his first death save. The feeling of comedic timing was just beautiful.
Favorite D&D Inside Joke?
“You are a privateer! BUT ON LAHND.”
Favorite Item Your Character received in D&D?
Phailyn was supposed to get a tome to increase his strength, but when his crush said she wanted it, he immediately fucking dropped it so she could have it. So the DM let me sneak off and get a scrying orb we’d passed up earlier. He hasn’t used it yet, but I just like the story behind it.
Ves probably considers Sikrikta to be the best item she’s received has a lot of really expensive shit she’s keeping just because she has bourgie taste. She got a bottle of wine as a gift that would have been 400g if she’d left it unopened. She’s drinking it gradually through the adventure. It’s good, but not quite as good as what she’s used to.
Teeki has a gaudy diamond crown that Bing bought for 300 gold. It does nothing. It is purely cosmetic. She loves it.
Basically I love frivolous shit.
Preferred Animal Companion (if you had any)?
Vesxlit has a familiar, if that counts. He’s a parrot named Brilliant. He talks like a normal human (in a setting where that is definitely not commonplace) and is a member of the Bardic College in the capital city of the nation we’re traveling in.
He’s a posh gentleman who helps Ves sew dresses. They spend 90% of their time arguing because, being a bird, his fashion sense is incredibly bright and garish.
Favorite D&D Battle Encounter?
Every boss fight Skaaren has done is goddamn awesome, tbh. My favorite is the first just because of how scary it was.
Keep in mind, we’re level 1 in Pathfinder, an Oracle (Ves) and a Barbarian (Cato.) We’ve just watched a big hole open up in the ground, and our characters don’t know why, but we’re looking for missing people (including the barbarian’s boyfriend Fabius, he’s important) so we figure hell, this is probably where they’re missing.
We find some of the missing people at the bottom of the hole, but we haven’t found Fabius, so we go deeper in. We find this creepy old woman doing some kinda ritual or something by a pool of water? Barbarian charges in to kill her and save his man, and… kills her very quickly.
Silence. We go to check on Fabius, and we’re not sure if we can safely move him. I’m running out of heals from earlier stuff and I pop my last one on him, and after a while of debating what to do a ton of undead start coming out of the water. Just a goddamn mob. Whatever the hell creepy-lady was doing, we were suddenly way in over our heads. Even if we picked up Fabius and ran, we don’t have a fast way out of this hole. And we start taking damage fast. Including Fabius.
I don’t remember the specifics of the fight. I think that’s a testament to how much we were panicking. I remember feeling the helplessness of being a mage completely out of spell slots frantically trying to hit things with my stupid mace.
And I remember when the fight was over, I stayed down there panicking for several more minutes, trying to determine if Fabius was even alive while the barbarian ran to get the local doctor in a town of which he didn’t even speak the language.
In the end, Fabius was okay, and we both got out of it alive. It was just that sense of dread and fear, that we didn’t know how the DM’s rolls were going or if anything we were trying had any impact. Skaaren has always done a stellar job since of bringing that sense of genuine fear into the game when he wants to, but that first unexpected taste of it was so damn cool.
Favorite D&D NPC Interaction?
Varis Vrynn was my favorite villain. Not because of his fight, or how he fit into the greater lore, but because of how @extravagantshoes�� played him. He was a slimy uppity elf in the city of Galthiel, a city with heavy class divides based on magic ability. Varis was a powerful diviner, and a lot of our party interactions involved everyone in the party trying to piss him off and Varis looking down his nose in disgust at all of us.
Then Cedlanna, our young sorcerer, got a conversation with him alone in his manor, where he wanted to make a deal with her. And she just ripped into him. Cut to the core of his insecurities and how with all of his riches on display, his manor still was incredibly empty–that for all the parties he hosted he was completely alone.
He was doing some really irredeemable things and later tried to kill us all but I still managed to feel kind of sad that we ended up gruesomely killing him.
Dumbest thing You & Your Party Did
Charging through multiple spinning saws comes to mind. Every time I try to sneak around in heavy plate armor also comes to mind.
I feel like I need to make a separate post to discuss just all the impulsive things Cato does. Turning an entire city upside down just for the chance to punch a specific guy in the face was one.
Most Epic thing You & Your Party Did
I might also make a separate post about this, but Cato and Ves convinced a bunch of lizard people that they were their gods.
Basically in this setting, the level 1 baddies generally fought are called Rapia. They’re kobold-esque in design, but they have a faith-based culture and… well, kind of a faith-based biology. Rapia need something to worship, they undergo gradual physiological changes based on the thing they follow. (Say it’s a sea creature, they might get gills.) And if they don’t have something to worship, they literally become sick and presumably die.
We’d fought a few before and looted crap from their caves, including a tiny hammer that we never could have used but the barbarian held onto cuz idk??
We later ran into some others by falling through the roof of their cave, but they didn’t attack us. They started to assume that we were the gods depicted on one of their cave walls. For the sake of brevity, a fight broke out later when we were trying to leave, and Cato gave the hammer to one of the rapia who was helping us escape. It turned out in the DM’s notes, this hammer had significance to the rapia, and was supposed to be given to the religious leader of a tribe. And so the entire tribe turned to our side and protected us. And… they started following us.
It was about this time that the DM broke character to tell us he had no plan of this happening, and I guess we just have a tribe of rapia now. And we’ve had the goddamn campaign balanced around having a tribe of rapia ever since.
What did you like about your Campaign’s World?
I’m gonna try to sum these up quickly cuz these stories have already gotten long.
The Ascension world has elements of what I affectionately like to call Pop Fantasy, there’s some genre-awareness while not being parody, and all the work on the pantheon Spi did has been goddamn amazing. I also cannot figure out the overarching mysteries and that is awesome.
Nejj puts a ton into immersing us into the world. I can always very clearly get a feel for the sort of setting he’s putting us in, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with the political intrigue he’s been setting up.
Skaaren’s got the weirdest goddamn races in his setting and I love every single one of them. He’s also packed the setting full of little cultural details, I swear to god he’s done extensive research into what we’re having for breakfast in the morning based on where we’re staying.
What was the most Interesting Lore you Found?
I seriously can’t pick a favorite here so I’m going to give a silly answer, and that’s that acolytes of Ves’s goddess commune with her by getting super high. 
Summarize Your Campaign(s) in a Single Sentence
One for each campaign:A group of weird rebels and one very ordinary guy dismantle the ruling government.Goblins discover crazy politics and necromancy, what happens next will warm your heart.Tourists getting intimate with the horrifying hidden truths of nature
Describe your whole Party Dynamic in a Sentence
The best bunch of weirdos and one stupid shady paladin.Loner rogue becomes Team Mom by sheer force of how much the other two hate each other.Bug Jesus and The Angriest Boy discover family in the form of lizards.
What Alignment do your characters lean towards?
I have a weird time choosing an alignment for characters cuz motivations change a lot for my nerds. Teeki was True Neutral but has become more Chaotic Good. Ves is Lawful Good I guess?? And Phai is a goddamn mess whose alignment has shifted at least thrice since his conception.
How do you tend to Take Notes (if you do)?
Badly! Next question.
Prefer Story/Plot Driven or No Plot/Character-Driven Campaigns?
I tend to prefer plot-driven, but I honestly think elements of both should be implemented in your narrative–occasionally giving breaks from the overarching plot to give the cast some time to dick around can give a breath of fresh air to roleplay.
Combat or Role Play?
Roleplay, of course. I actually used to think I hated D&D combat. It took a lot of great sessions to make me realize that the RP doesn’t stop for combat, and that’s when I started really getting into learning and enjoying mechanics elements.
Favorite D&D Monster/Creature?
Illithid. I would love to actually play as one someday.
Magic User or Fighter?
Magic is more engaging to me, personally, but I like both.
Preferred Weapon/Spell in D&D?
Tasha’s Hideous Laughter. In large part because of how it’s roleplayed in Critical Role tbh. I also have felt the high of Sneak Attack enough times to really love it now.
What was your Favorite Nat 20 Experience?
One time I rolled a Nat20 perception while we were on the road and it was literally just to find a coin on the ground. That might always be my favorite. 
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peacockbluey · 7 years ago
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Thoughts on Flowers, Series 2, Episode 3
Lots of things happening. Lots of things full of feels and terror and what can only be summarized as !!!!!!!!!! Do I have thoughts about it? Of course I do! Here we go.
Right from the very beginning, the tone set is an ominous one. The opening for this episode is something straight out of Amy's morbid, tragic romantic inclinations, with Amy flipping between two realities, walking out into the water. It's imagery that calls to mind Virginia Woolf's death by drowning, which is exactly the sort of allusion Amy would dig--but it also suggests how quickly she's becoming immersed in full-blown mania.
Donald's dream is at once pure Donald (who else would have a wet dream nightmare?), and yet also really interesting character insight that illuminates him a little more. It says a lot about how Donald sees himself, to imagine himself as a clown, wanking, hideously obvious and grotesque in his desire, being jeered at and laughed at by everyone he knows--including, significantly, Matilda. It's his worst nightmare: that everybody thinks he's a joke, that his desire is ridiculous, that he's making a fool of himself by even feeling it. But beyond all of that, the part that really strikes me is that the dream opens with him searching for Amy, trying to rescue her from... something. It really shows you how deeply that's ingrained in Donald, the desire to protect and defend Amy. This is his job, his duty, he has to look out for Amy; he always has... even if he can't stop being a dick to her, or being rabidly envious of her.
I love that Amy's nickname for Hylda is Monkey, but everything else about the berries scene is hard to watch, because Amy's mania is really, really escalating. It's shown throughout the episode, from the increasingly nonsensical, disorganized structure of the music (which her orchestra can't even play because they have no clue what she wants) to the lack of sleep to the pressured speech and temper tantrums because she's constantly accelerating and getting mad at the world for not being at the speed of sound with her. Her eye, naturally, is fucked up now with... pinkeye or something similarly awful, to make her more like Bertha than ever. Her ability to distinguish between herself and Bertha is diminishing.
Deborah knows. Just from the sound of the voicemail Any leaves her, you can see from her face that she knows something is seriously wrong. (Olivia Colman, seriously. She is so, so great.) She is thoroughly frustrated throughout the episode in trying to get through to Amy or get someone to check on her (THANKS MAURICE), but the worry is there.
A parallel between Series 1 and Series 2: proxy squabbling between Maurice and Deborah over inappropriately sized food. In series 1, it was Deborah snarking about Maurice's weirdly giant hospital coffee ("Enjoy your reservoir of coffee!"); in series 2, their roles are reversed and it's Maurice sniping about the size of Shun's breakfast pastry when he really is spoiling for a fight about all the other issues between him and Deborah.
Seriously, though, I was not prepared for them to have a ridiculous custody dispute over Shun! It clearly irritates Maurice that Shun sought comfort and understanding from Deborah instead of him, but it shouldn't; Deborah and Shun had reached a nice understanding at the end of series 2, and this is consistent with that. Shun needs somebody to be a mother to him and Deborah desperately misses having somebody to nurture, while she's struggling to connect with her children as adults; it makes sense that they'd connect that way. It's also notable that Shun is well over his hero worship of Maurice, not above sassing and calling him on his bullshit. While it's good for Shun to see Maurice realistically... his overall trajectory in terms of acting out is worrying.
It's also kind of fascinating to see different sides of everybody in that fight. It's definitely fascinating to be exploring some of Maurice's flaws, now that he's more himself. I love him, but his argument style here! Self-pitying, bitter, passive-aggressive, petty... these are parts of him, just as much as all the good things. It's also a sign of how much he's recovered that he has the ego to be wounded over being called "boring." When he was deep in his depression, he probably would have just absorbed that with a shrug. Now, he has the pettiness to spend the rest of the episode trying to spite Deborah by proving how wrong she is. He is not boring! He's a cool dude! A cool dude who wears sunglasses! And tiny blue pants. It's good for our ogling pleasure, but it's also super cringey. Being truthful, I was definitely annoyed by him being so self-absorbed by the ego wounding that he seems mostly oblivious to how bad Amy is getting.
Another parallel between Series 1 and Series 2: Donald being the voice of reason and the only one who can/will call Maurice on his shit. His blunt honesty can be unlikable and occasionally cruel, but sometimes it's exactly what's needed. In Series 1, he was able to deliver the (metaphorical) slap Maurice needed to realize the impact his behavior was having on everybody else. Here, he rightfully calls Maurice out for behaving like a huuuuuuuuge asshole in his phone conversation with Deborah, pointing out that if Maurice really loves her and wants her back, treating her that way definitely doesn't show it. Donald's ideas about how to treat the person you love are surprisingly good and emotionally healthy. (Too bad he doesn't know how to actually express any of his feelings as anything other than anger and annoyance!) He's also almost painfully transparent here when he talks about wanting a person who will love him most in the whole world. Oh, Donald. He's so obnoxious, but he's so, so desperate to come first for once, to be somebody's first choice. To feel special, because he secretly thinks he's the only one who isn't. Matilda... could actually be that person, as she seems able to seem to look past most of the tactlessness and awkwardness to the person inside. But only if Donald doesn't fuck it up.
On one level, it makes sense for Amy to draw inspiration from the Baumgartner book and have the whole orchestra in 18th century dress, but it also just highlights the degree to which her fantasies are bleeding into reality and she's increasingly failing to distinguish between the two.
DEBORAH. Her phone conversation with Donald broke my heart! She is so miserable and lonely, and she misses her family so much. You can just see her longing for connection, relishing the little bits of it, warming up to open up and talk longer... but then Donald's got a date, he has to go, and it's just crushingly sad. On the one hand, it's good that her kids are more independent, and she knows that, but... she misses them. She misses being important to them. She doesn't quite know how to relate to them now and is feeling very left behind.
AMY'S FIGHT WITH HYLDA, oh my god. It hurts, it's so painful, because Hylda can clearly see something going very wrong; she has the life experience to recognize these things when she sees them. And she loves Amy and wants her to be okay, but Amy is not having it, and she says some terribly cruel things here, because she can be. (As Cully observed, she clearly inherited her argument style from Maurice.) But Hylda's single shout ("I NEED TO BREATHE!") hits me harder than anything else, because Hylda is ordinarily defined by her calmness. The thing about Hylda is that that calm, her stillness, is so powerful because it is *intentional*. It is a choice. It's not naturally occurring; she has worked damned hard to get here, and it is a practice. So seeing that slip, a flash of the intensity beneath, of HOW hard she works to contain it... it's electrifying. Excruciating. Her outburst here is a reminder that, more than anything, Hylda does the work. Addiction doesn't ever, ever go away; her recovery and present contentment and peace are built on the fact that she is always, always working. Which leads to my next point.
Deborah's book signing is horrible and uncomfortable in many different ways, but obviously the most important one is the woman who confronts her about how Deborah doesn't get to tell her how to feel about depression or her late husband's experience with it, how there is no magic cure or correct method to solve the problem. It doesn't ever go away, mental illness; it can only be managed. Hylda is a success story, but her success is possible because she's made a religion of that discipline. (Not even a little surprising, really, that she was drawn to actual religion, as an extension of the discipline and ruthless self-examination.) It's a brutal, unromantic truth, and you see the way it hits Deborah like a ton of bricks.
BARRY SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD YOU GIVE AMY A BABY. This is SO STRESSFUL, god.
Spare thought: remember that in the last series, Amy could barely ride a regular bike. She had training wheels! And now she's zipping around on a motorbike. It's a clear symbol of her progress... but also of the fact that she needs to go faster faster faster and is rapidly getting to a place where that's dangerous. ESPECIALLY WITH A BABY OH MY GOD.
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