#thanks yall for all the support this year <3 its been a really good one for sure

[startistdoodles]

I posted 1,133 times in 2022

That's 502 more posts than 2021!

1,021 posts created (90%)

112 posts reblogged (10%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@startistdoodles

@xxtc-96xx

@junebird24

@ferahntics

@aceofintuition

I tagged 1,132 of my posts in 2022

#ask - 880 posts

#not art - 675 posts

#anon - 473 posts

#pokemon - 415 posts

#my art - 309 posts

#kirby - 117 posts

#arceus - 115 posts

#descendant au - 105 posts

#prisma knight - 99 posts

#giratina - 91 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#there are still timelines where the twins are still together though!! just boot up your copy of bw/bw2 and all will be right with the world

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Have you seen the AU of Emmet being stuck in the Distortion World? If it’s alright, I’d like your take on it.

See the full post

6,328 notes - Posted March 21, 2022

#4

Have you seen the meme where the cat knock over onions and get grabbed in the next picture and they say; it was you!!!

That's how I imagine Emmet finding out Ingo got sent to the past by Volo.

GIVE IT TO HIM

6,677 notes - Posted April 12, 2022

#3

So it's pretty well known that Ingo is one of the very few NPC's that doesn't acknowledge your presence, but apparently he will react to your Pokémon's presence, lol

8,315 notes - Posted February 25, 2022

#2

See the full post

8,659 notes - Posted March 17, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

weird stinky kitten

15,081 notes - Posted March 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[spideysbruh]

defender

liked by y/n and 5,166,266 others

tchalamet babygirl

view all 96,777 comments

timmysgf eughh brother eughhh

florencepugh you guys are the besttt

laurieslaurence mis padres

fxckyn do you think she forces him to post this stuff

tchalamet do you think you can shut up and log out forever ?

leexyn AHHH GOT YOUR ASS YOU MAD

liked by rachelzegler, chappellroan and 3,277,222 others

y/n no one knows about the words that we whisper

view all 91,266 comments

ynsblanket I'm so happy that she's surrounded by ppl that really love and care for her

busyyn fr she gets so much hate for no reason

sweetyn omg taylor and y/n crossover slayy

tchalamet 🥰🥰🥰

fuxkyn she always has to post him for likes so embarrassing

tchalamet and what do you post for your 3 followers? constant bullshit? does anyone even see it???

goodyyn ate her up LMAOOO

rachelzegler we've gotta sit around a campfire like once a month forever now

y/n liked

y/n no like let's make it a tradition fr

tsgf bro she needs a job

tchalamet she has one. unlike you

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- my one and only

@timandynupdates just tweeted- NEW photos from this past week of Timothée and Y/n on vacation. They appeared to be having a deep conversation, as Y/n was crying at a certain point, with Chalamet consoling her.

@yoursongyn replied- ITS CAUSE OF ALL THESE ASSHOLES WHO THINK THEYRE TIMOTHÉES GIRLFRIEND ISTG

@ynsucks replied- THEY BROKE UP OMG

@lauriesrings replied to @ynsucks- bitch they're literally kissing after stfu are you dumb

@pinksyn replied- yall need to behave before they both turn off their comments. or worse and get off social media completely

@kylesgf replied- oh my goddd she's so overdramatic

y/n just posted a story!

caption- nothing and no one makes me happier than you do. @tchalamet 💕

liked by y/n, tayrussell and 4,166,266 others

tchalamet I love feeling like nothing else matters when im with you.

view all 101,166 comments

y/n i love you

fuxkyn ughhhh

florencepugh I miss you both!!

tsgf I've had enough of this bitch

tchalamet that's crazy cause I was just thinking the same thing about you!

tsgf wtf. i'm not supporting you anymore.

tchalamet thank god

zendaya yall disgust me every time we hang out

tchalamet and y/n liked

directyn TIMMY SHUT THEM UPPPP FINALLY

liked by sabrinacarpenter, tchalamet and 4,717,223 others

y/n is it new years yet?

view all 81,177 comments

rachelzegler jesus was seen.

liked by y/n

laurieslaurence MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLDDD

tchalamet goddess.

liked by y/n

paulsgf why are all the comments nice😭 why we lyinggg

tchalamet the only lying going on is your parents when they said they were proud of you

spideyyn oh my g- 💀💀💀 LMAOOOO

paulsarrakis bro he hates these ppl LMAOOO

tchalamet yup

tchalamet like seriously babe, what the fuuuuck😩

liked by y/n

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- golden globes 😳😳

@celebnews just tweeted- Y/n and Timothée Chalamet seen at a golden globes after party

@carpenyn replied- the hand placement in his story is killinggg me omgg hottest couple ever

@paulslauries replied- I rly admire y/n, she's shown so much resilience with the way she's been treated online, and she doesn't seem to let it affect her. mad respect 🙏🏽

@bluesyn replied- oh to be a fly on the wall for their convos

@mistleyn replied- THEYRE SO CUTE BRO WTFFFF😭😭😭😭😭💕💕💕🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

@timmylaurie replied- I love how he constantly defends her, even though he shouldn't have to but people are fucking weirdos

@fuxkyn replied to @timmylaurie- we're not weird, we just know that he can do better and she's no good for him!!

@badideayn replied to @fuxkyn- yk you're just proving their point 💀

y/n just posted a story!

liked by y/n, oliviarodrigo, rachelzegler and 11,543,555 others

tchalamet why is it so hard to let people live their lives? I don't know you, you definitely don't know me, and you never will. you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and the things that we talk about because people don't know how to act. that ends now, please stop. enough is enough. thank you

comments on this post have been limited

rachelzegler it had to be said! people can be cruel, I know firsthand how it can be

tchalamet liked

florencepugh well said!

sabrinacarpenter !!!!!

justinbieber some people will never get it. you guys got this!!

y/n JUSTIN BIEBER?!??!!

liked by oliviarodrigo, tchalamet and 6,266,277 others

y/n all mine

view all 121,555 comments

laurieslaurence TELL THEMMMMM

tchalamet my favorite person

logicalyn cryinggg they're so cute 🥺😭💕

kylesballs okay she's actually so cool wtf

curlyyn he'll choose her every time 🥺😭😭😭 I love them

liked by y/n, zendaya and 12,188,332 others

tchalamet my forever

view all 142,277 comments

jowegottahaveitout crying. he won't let them win!!

stayyn I KNOW THATS RIGHTTTT

y/n we're cute or whateverrrr

tchalamet liked

*

[goatpaste]

Alrighty, this has been something I'v been putting off for awhile because I really just wanted to save all the money myself but I just dont think its gonna be able to happen anytime soon and I'm tired of putting it off for Daisy's sake

but this is officially the Donation Post for us to start pooling together money to move daisy up from Texas to Pennsylvania. I'll bore you with the details under the cut but in the mean time here is links and info on the ways you can support the move!

[My commissions are Open] [My Etsy is Open]

[My Kofi were i offer PWYW commissions as low at 3$]

[My Toyhouse has designs for sale on it]

[You can Donate here and all the saving made toward this will be going directly into savings]

These are all the ways you can directly support us and help us work toward the goal of getting Daisy into a safe and better environment! I know not everyone is going to be able to chip in but anything helps even reblogs and sharing around! We've been talking about this move for over a year and I want to try and move her by the end of this year at the latest.

For more info on our specific situation and bit more details, please read under the cut

Daisy has been my friend since we were 6 years old, she is like a sister to me! We've been at each others side through thick and thin and I care about her so much.

Daisy's home life has never been the best and her parents are nightmare people who are a blight on the general public but as well as Daisy's home life.

Daisy doesnt have the ability to drive, work or save her own money even when she did work as her mother would take the money she earned constantly, and was ultimately the reason Daisy was unable to keep her job.

So for Daisy's end she has no ability to save and moving funds, it will primarily be on me to round up the money.

We are not 100% sure how much we are going to need at this moment in time but have a rough estiment.

Were hoping to get Daisy's mother on a good mood and have her pay for Daisy's plane ticket. We are going to be unable to move all her stuff and will just have to pack as much as she can into a large suitcase and fly up. So we will not have to pay for the plane, but will have to pay for bedding, and everything else she will need once up here. we have some temporary arrangements Via my bed and couch and potentially picking up a blow up mattress. But my current apartment is extremely small and not much room for two people let alone just me. Not sure how long I will be in this space while Daisy is up here if at all.

I may potentially reach out to my step father and ask him to dip into the savings he has kept for me to get Daisy furniture and necessities. But im avoiding that for as much as i can as im not on the best terms with my dad.

I will start looking for a bigger place for us to live together once we start getting in a comfortable area on savings. As the only money maker currently i will be needing savings to afford a place for us to share that will of course be much more expensive than where i am right now. Daisy will start looking for a job once she is/has moved up here and hopefully we will be able to support ourselves at that point, it will just be the first little bit of time we will need a cushion.

this is one of the areas im not 100% sure how much were going to need but certain in the thousands area knowing rent for a place big enough for two individuals.

after that its just gonna be us figuring it out.

but this is the situation as it stands right now, we are trying to help a trans woman out of her shitty living situation and across the country where her friends who love and care and want to support her are. We dont know exactly how much its going to be, but its going to be a lot and were really just looking for a bit of support!

thank yall so much!

[lovebvni]

holaaa!! (dr rant + just an appreciation post)

(TW SLIGHT HINT TO GROOMING)

soo i’m shifting soon and i decided that im going to make my first album when i get there (LIKE START JT, DUDE. START IT. IM SO EXCITED) there’s going to b an ep i’m going to finalize when i get there and it will be released on the 26th of the month i get there (as it is kinda a diss on a MAN who was 26 when we dated… i was a minor still.)

i’m also gonna make a family tree because i’m really bored (and i also kinda js wanna see all my siblings yk? im gonna draw them all soon bc like AUGH AJAJDKDJ I MISS THEM!!!)

omgz i’m so excited dude!!

(appreciation below!!)

also i saw billie eilish in my dream last night. one of the funniest and sweetest people i know 😭 SHARK WAS ALSO IN THAT DREAM HES SO SWEET ‼️‼️ god i wish i could hug them today, just right now. yall don’t understand how much billie and finneas have been through together, and im so proud of how far they made it. i love you both, and although you won’t see this post in this reality, i know you will when we r together :DDD u guys make me so happy, so inspired, and just a better person overall. also huge thank you to billie in helping me with directing my music videos and being featured in one of my favorite songs — ripple effect. thank you finneas for just 😭 for keeping her alive, giving her a passion, and being so protective and supportive of her.

i’m so excited to b friends w both of them n js talk to them daily — it’s so fun.

i’m also super duper excited to meet one of my closest friends — nile — in person finally!!!! it’s been like 3 years of shifting together, and i know she’s excited too. i know she’s reading this, btw so i love u sm nile and thank u for being such a great and perfect friend throughout this whole journey. i truly don’t think i would still be kicking without you. i owe you the world, and i know you’re going to be blessed with many MANY things in the coming months, and the years following will be some of your best, but that’s only a taste of what is truly to come.

i’m so proud of you, and i’m also so round of everyone that has been clinging onto shifting even though it hurts. i’m always here for you. i love you all so so much. i want the best for you, and i know you’re going to get it. i’m always here to help in ANY way i can. ask me anything, i promise you i will answer with the wisdom God and the universe has given me!!

i cannot express my gratitude to my father, loki, enough. i don’t know how to even put it into words. he’s been there at my hardest, he’s been there at my best. i don’t think i would actually even be this far without him either. he’s one of the silliest and sweetest people ive ever met. i can’t believe he’s my FATHER you guys!! ITS SO COOL AUGHH

i also have so many people here i need to thank, there’s more that i can think of right now but just know i love and appreciate every one of you guys.

staring with @smellofemale!! you were such a sign when i met you. i don’t think i’ve met a christian shifter — you’re the only one i still talk to if i have! im just so so sooo blessed to have met you. i don’t know what to say, dude! i love you so much. you’re so sweet, so kind, and so inspiring. i love you!

@eneablack although you’re one of my newest friends, you’re another really really inspirational one. you’re so open about your struggles with shifting, even though you’ve had success time and time again. it shows me and many others how shifting sometimes is a hard thing to get used too, even with successes under your belt!

@daisys-reality! if you don’t know them, FOLLOW IMMEDIATELY PLEASE OMGGJAJSN she gives some of the best and most accurate readings i could ever ask for. also her drs (specifically her mermaid one) have inspired me so much!!

@kanachaka UR AO COOL BRO I JS LOVE SEEING UR POSTS AJSJDKDJD

@kazylynn i love u sm!! u rlly show me i can be an inspiration to others, and that’s something i’ve hoped for all my life. i want to be a good, helpful person — and i love you for showing me i can be.

@babybearthepsychic a few months ago you gave me a free reading that was just so accurate and so real. i don’t know if i would still be on this spiritual journey without it, because i was at one of my hardest points then. i cannot believe how just truly accurate and kind you are. i love you so much, you’re doing amazing. i wish i could give you the biggest hug, and i could donate like a million dollars to u rn but i literally don’t have a job 😭

@zipperrants i don’t think i rlly need to explain this… dude i thought u we’re so cool even when u we’re js interacting with @maddies-chronicles and i rlly wanted to interact w u so bad but i was so so scared bro!! and thank u hale for giving me the opportunity to meet them!!

@accidentalshifter YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MANY PEOPLE U REPRESENT IN THIS RESLITY — YOURE ONE OF THE FIRSR ADULT SHIFTERS I SAW ON HERR AND IM SO SO SO SO SOOO FUCKING HQPPY YOURE SO OPEN ABOUT IT! you’re just so free and it’s beautiful. i love you so much

and there are so many more but i just.. im gonna cry i love you all tooo much.. please know u all mean so much to me and i can’t wait to tell u so many stories when i get back, and help u guys shift. i am working so hard to post more, and i pray this post can help me become more active.

so so so much love, to everyone in this community, you’re so wonderful. may the gods bless you.

so much love, peace and joy

the abyss

[ambrosialdesire]

Idk what type of drugs you put into your yandere Reiner series but it has been on my mind 24/7/365 I need tiny crumbs 🤲 anything, I need anything 😞

AAAAA TYYY i've seen you all the time in my activity and i wanna thank you so much for your constant support! <3

you want more cacoëthes reiner so here’s some more cacoëthes reiner crumbs!!! (also bc i want to write something else rn so i can keep writing the thing i was supposed to post a few weeks ago LOL) and on my kinktober list, there was an epilogue that i was supposed to write (AND I WILL I STG IM TRYING YALL BUT IM JUST BEING BOMBARDED WITH THIS FAST AF PACED PROGRAM 😭) and that was supposed to be a peek inside their relationship during her the first couple months into her pregnancy.

anyways, both the reader (or you lol) and reiner could not keep each other's hands off each other after that night, even though you swear on your entire family's dead souls that you hated him. his big fat cock was too irresistible to continue abstaining from and it's reiner, bro's a little too insatiable for only one round. he ain’t complaining though and he loves to fuck out those endearing i love you’s out of you, so two wins for him ig 😭

and of course, from a previous ask from an anon, reader does indeed get pregnant from the constant action lmfao

but ambro, couldn't the reader have done something to get rid of the child? yeah she/you could've, if not for the fact that you had began to develop feelings towards him (although its mostly bc of the amount of trauma you went through, extreme stockholm syndrome, and heavy coping you had to do in the aotverse, reiner’s the only stable thing in your life so you’re going to cling onto the closest thing of security you have, which is your captor unfortunately 💀) and you're kinda not opposed to it anymore. cacoëthes reader had always wanted to have a family but never thought it could be possible since giving life to a child in a world full of titans wasn't really ideal for starting one. lucky for you, you now live in a world where there's no titans (kinda)!

you were completely alone when you were going through the beginning symptoms of pregnancy, unaware of why you kept vomiting so often or why you had to go to the bathroom even more than before or why you were so fatigued after barely doing anything. when you went to the doctor, that’s when you finally found out that you were already 2 months pregnant. getting out of the office, you kinda snapped out of the housewife-sona you’ve developed in order to cope and become extremely aware of what was happening to you. you cried a lot, absolutely terrified that this was actually happening to you. you barely had your mom most of your life so you didn't know what you were going to do next, all you sorta knew what to do was to make sure that both you and the baby were going to be healthy for the rest of pregnancy.

reiner didn't know about it since he had to leave to go fight some more after a two month absence of him "taking care" of you and your injuries. he sorta did know that he had already gotten you pregnant from all those nights and afternoons fucking on every single surface of the home nonstop, but you never know. so when he came back about a month-ish later, his jaw dropped to the floor when you turned around with a slight bump in your stomach (around this time, you’re like maybe 3-4.5 months pregnant now).

he’s absolutely over the moon but you start crying in front of him, admitting that you’re so scared of the unknown future and what if he actually leaves for good (the abandonment issues are at an all time high bc of hormones and bc he did tell you that he’s going to eventually die in a couple of years 💀). reiner merely hushes you and tells you that you'll be a great mom and he'll be there for you for as long as he lives. it doesn't really make you feel better but the reassuring look in his eyes makes you feel some sort of dull comfort, it's better than nothing ig lol

reiner asks to be sent less often to the wars just so he won't miss the birth of his child or let you get injured again since you're alone most of the time. they grant this for him but they did dock his pay bc of it and it's not that bad of a cut, just more budgeting is going to be more involved in y'alls lives.

yea this is pretty mid snippet-wise sorry 😭

the epilogue i'm going to write covers even more in-depth with their relationship so stayed tuned for that eventually! i might post it on the year anniversary of cacoëthes pt 1 but we'll see lol

[romanarose]

Life update if anyone cares.

I only post this bc i was posting my depressing shit for months and a lot of people were reaching out in concern <3

cw sever depression, self harm, suicide, csa, SA, all the bad. but also lots of good <3

TLDR: Despite a god-awful semester, i got all a's and b's

Everyone thats been following me the last few months has seem my personal posts about how fucking awful things have been for me.

I've dealt with fact I can no longer deny that what happened to me was CSA, despite being on a milder side of things. That sparked an absolutely spiral. I didnt sleep for months which made things worse. School, I got an F on a midterm and i NEVER get F's on writing assignments.

Work had its complications and i quit and then rescinded that quit two days later. I was so constantly depressed in my dorm my roommate literally told me i needed to go to the basketball game with them bc i was sitting in a depression hovel none stop. I only went to services twice this whole time, one shabbat and once for Rosh Hoshannah.

I burned the ever living fuck out of my fingers, yall remember that one? lol.

In novemeber i had relapsed so severely on self harm i thought i had accidentally killed myself. I should've called 911. I thought I was bleeding out and/or going into shock. I then worked myself up more by going down pages of the internet about medical shook and people dying from it. that did not help my heart rate. I couldn't stand, I couldnt see straight for a while.

I could not afford an ambulance or a hospital stay as i am uninsured and only ork 25 hours a week. not a lot of money.

All this happened and I didn't miss work. This is not a brag, this is me not being able to makegood choices for myself.

Finally, thanksgiving break hit. Thank fucking god. I WANTED to use those 4 days of absolutely nothing to get to my TWO BIG RESEARCH PAPERS I HADNT STRTED YET but alas, I was SICK. I was so sick, in fact, and so hoped up on cough medicine for 3 days i was incomprehensible.

I was so physically ill, i couldnt even think about how mentally ill i was. I slept and slept and slept. And by the time sunday hit, I felt so recharged.

My failed midterm was so bad and so not me my professsor reached out to me. Im close with him (in a v appropriate way lol, hes a bruce springsteen fan too) and i felt comfortable telling him essentially that for a few months there things were severe, and I really should've gone in for a 72 hour hold multiple times and i was not safe. through a few lines of resources, I ended up back in therapy bc my school added a new therapist that is a woman (i stopped going last year bc i didnt like seeing a man)

I like my new therapist.

Anway, in about 2 weeks I wrote 2 12 page research papers, 2 book report papers, 1 science paper did 2 presentations, took 2 finals, wrote 2 more finals with essay questions, and at the end of it all, not only did I not fail any classes...

I GOT ALL A'S AND B'S! Which means my gpa is still high enough to renew my scholarship for my last year

I am so fucking proud of myself for accomplishing all this despite suffering so fucking badly. I havnt felt pain like that in years, just agony.

I had a down turn again over christmas bc my siblings were literally ass, upto and including making fun of me for not ating (i am multiple accounts of sexual trauma from several people, so im scared of dating), making fun of my eating, and my sister slapping me and my older brother hitting me. Was a bad time. But for right now, im in the place im staying for break (all january) im back at my old day care and they love me, and olive garden at this store has been going great

Im hoping next semester to be better, im hopful at least

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has supported my writing has supported me through these times. It makes me happy that i came her to share my silly little moon knight x reader series, not really intending on writing a whole lot, but next thing i know, i have friends and a lil community. so thank you <3

[crowhyun]

hi! i hope you're doing well <33

ive never sent an ask but ive been reading your works for a year now and i just wanted to write you a lil love letter (if this sounds selfless, i assure you it's not, i just need more level infinity chapters /j)

Dear Crow,

You're an exceptional writer. You're a bit younger than me but have a way with words and flow that suggests you're older than you are and it's always a joy to read your works. Your mind???? You create the funniest stuff. No one else could write your fics like you do. If level infinity was in anyone else's hands it wouldn't hit the same. I've read a good number of your personal rant posts and I just wanna tell you that you are strong and worthy of love and time 💞. You're in those late teen years where you're trying hard to build yourself up for your future and are doing so well despite what life throws at you. Get out there and show them what a black girl with fam issues can do (friendly quip, i was once that girl 😙).

Now onto your fics.....whooo weeee buckle in. First, since I've mentioned it many times, Level Infinity. Those round, dynamic characters?? You go girl. After reading a new chapter I'm probably thinking about LI!soobin for days (i have such a crush on him and how you've written him lmfaooo). You're doing so well so far and I can't wait to see what happens next!!

I'm actually gonna dedicate a new paragraph to one of my top 5 soobin fics of all time... *drumroll* "My Pet Bloodsucker". Ask me to describe how much I love this fic and you'll get: "hbsdhjbjhdsbjhsHE'SCUTEsjhbjhsdbjANDPOUTYsbjhsbdj, Witches and vampires hello??? lez goooo, so good" Like gen. One of my fav soobin characterizations (also sub soobin >>>>>>>>>) And their relationship turns so cute. How he starts to care (a lot) about what y/n thinks and when he forgets to drink the blood bags even after his time is up. He's so cute in that fic I love it and the plot is fun and engaging.

-

So anyways, I'm trying to be what I wish someone said to me when I wrote kpop fics (opposed to just silent reading/liking) and getting to motivation back to write! Because Crow? Pick up Level Infinity I BEG.

anywho stay hydrated girlie mwah <3

HIIIIIIII! Seeing this message in my inbox made me so happy I swear to you I literally cried. It really surprises me that there are many people who really like level infinity! Like, I guess it's different bcs with my other fics, I get likes, reblogs, and maybe a few comments, but with lvl infinity, yall are REALLY supportive and yall actually talk about it, it just makes me so happy bcs I really like writing it!

I've also noticed that My Pet Bloodsucker is my first fic to reach 1000 notes and AHHHHH i've never felt this accomplished ehehhehe

I'm working on lvl infinity right now, and you can expect the next chapter to be out soon! i can't wait to see yalls reactions to the rest of the chapters lmao its gonna be so happy and fun :D

anyways, thank you so much for sending this! you're allowed to demand for me to post lvl infinity btw i really dont mind its what i need tbh lol

your wish will come true very soonnnnn <3

[gongedtornado]

updated introduction cuz i’m cool like that.

hiii welcome to my little hidey hole where i post art and scream all the time :3

be sure to scroll to the bottom or at least read the DNI + things i need tagged. thankssss

you can call me any of the following: silas / yarida / goose / kazzy

i use he / it / any + neos. though please try to refrain from using exclusively they/them on me. not that i really mind but i like a bit of variation :3.

20 and mixed filipino babeyyy !!

artist and professional shitposter . you can count on me to start a silly little doodle as a joke and put in wayyy too much effort into it lol. you can usually find these posts under the tag #shartposting

BE WARNED - I MAY POST BODY HORROR FROM TIME TO TIME.

I YELL AND SCREAM AND SWEAR A LOT. ALSO I’M NOT WELL IN THE HEAD. my textposts for when i scream is #kazzy caws. my more vent related tags will be under #kazzy complains. (feel free 2 mute that. no hard feelings)

PRETTY PLEEEEAAASE use tone indicators when talking to me. i can’t read tones past text for the life of me

i’m incredibly socially awkward and typically busy, overwhelmed, or generally burnt out. i promise i’m not ignoring you or hate you or any of that- i’m just trying to get by lol.

IF YOU NEED SOMETHING TAGGED DON’T BE SCARED TO ASK . i’ll obvs tag things like eye contact, g0re, etc.

this is a big one BUT IF I DO SOMETHING WRONG PLEASE TELL ME AND DON’T BE VAGUE ABOUT IT THANKSS. /srs

here’s more of my tags and whatever

#kazzy caws - text posts where i scream my thoughts into the void

#kazzy complains - text posts where i complain about shit

#kazzy scribbles - art posts

#shartposting - shitposts

I LIKE PATAPON A NORMAL AMOUNT. (<- HAS BEEN FIXATED ON THE SERIES FOR OVER 2 YEARS.)

little shop of horrors

paper mario

plant related characters (ie: audrey ii, petey piranha, potbelly from msm, etc)

stone story rpg (PLEASE PLAY IT ITS SO GOOD)

all tomorrows

DND (I FUCKIMG LOVE DND BRO)

just some things i would prefer of they were tagged for the sake of my sanity. just use “silas don’t look.” or “sdl” work fine lmao

roblox doors game (more specifically the visuals pleeeeaase)

generally upsetting or uncanny images. especially ones with heavy eye contact.

knack (playstation game)

posts with transphobia in them

h*zbin/h*lluva content + anything v*vziepop related

i don’t feel like making a specific section for this one but here’s some other things i’d advise you to avoid doing around/to me. thaaanks

do NOT refer to me as “smol”, “smol bean”, a “cinnamon roll”. anything of that at all. (if it’s for a joke go for it, but dont make it repetitive or a habit.)

do not refer to me as a child either- especially if you’re younger than me. i might sound a little whiny here but it genuinely rubs me the wrong way and i actually just hate it all around. 😃 don’t treat me like a child- in fact just avoid infantilizing me. please

please don’t call me “sister” or “mom”. i’m being so serious.

don’t come into my dms if i don’t know you- asking for art requests and such. i’ll just straight up block you.

(trigger warning for s/a mentions here.) if you joke about s/a or find it funny to make fun of such- just block me. i don’t want you here and you disgust me and so many others. thanks

i’ll also include the ask to follow below the dni stuff. dni/dnf will be red while ask to follow will be orange

basic DNI criteria

pr*ship/zo*philes

dream supporters

fetishizes trans/nonbinary people

ai ‘artists’ (lmao imagine not being able to pick up a pencil)

those who continuously use the excuses “it’s just fiction”, “it’s just a drawing”, and “erm it’s the internet. things happen” yall are annoying as fuck

She Who Will Not Be Named (you know who you are.)

He who will not be named (I don’t care if you want to make ammends. I don’t want to waste my time on your stupid loser baby ass.)

YTTD (Your Turn to Die) fandom

those with the intentions of befriending for free art

v*vziepop dickriders.

under 15.

if i generally just get bad vibes from you, i’ll just block. lol

applying this to the he/she who will not be named- if you’re thinking “is it me?” then it’s likely not you. /srs

ASK TO FOLLOW

irls. how and why did you find my tumblr huh? huh? do you wanna fight. do you wanna go to the dennys parking lot and fight there? huh? weenie (/JOKE)

h*zbin/h*lluva enjoyers. current mutuals are fine- i would REALLY REALLY prefer if y’all asked before following first?? i know not everyone in the fandom isn’t awful, but it’s just for my own sake. 🙏🙏

people that primarily go by the names “clyde”, “nadia”, “aspen”, “azzy”, or “marcel”. im sure yall are nice people or whatever but its moreso for the sake of my sanity :3. i also likely wont interact with you much but its whatever

dms are usually open unless i specify not to dm me.

commissions are closed off for now

i don’t do art requests. LOL sorry

art trades are always good! i take a long while on them though. srry

tagging/mentioning in a post is fine. kinda the same rules with the dms.

rp is kinda ehhh. i kinda only do it with closer friends tyyyy

okay cool you made it to the bottom thanksss enjoy ur stay lol

[thecontumacious]

uwaaa omg your writing skills are good! god bless i found another one writing for njsj's luxiem ; w ;

if it's not too much of a bother, may i request an artist/graphic designer reader x ike?

i haven't really thought much about it, but it's along the lines of them being a duo (like ike mixes and reader provides the graphics for the project usually).

thank you so so much! (i really loved your bf hcs hahaha)

- cookie anon

Of Songs and Bravery

pairing: Ike Eveland x Artist!GN!Reader

a/n: hi cookie anon!! let me be real with u for a good minute here. i had a bit too much fun with this fic bcs this turned more like a slow burn that it should've been fluff in the initial plan :DD i hope u enjoy it as much as i had fun writing it! i'm in tears rn

i wanna dedicate this to both cookie anon for the lovely idea and my proofreader best friend who is down bad for ike and an artist herself. props to yall for providing so much support!! <3

disclaimer: everything i wrote in here is 100% mine btw! you'll see why i said that after u read it all :3

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: hey y/n!

y/n l/n: hey, ikee what’s up?

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: remember that new song i’ve been telling u about?

y/n l/n: yeah?

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: it’s completely done now

y/n l/n: oh cool!! great work!! do you plan on publishing it like u did with ‘this nightmare of a tale?’

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: that’s what i wanted to talk to u about

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: can i commission u again to make the music video?

y/n l/n: ofc!! i’d be happy to work with u again, ike!

you and ike have actually been friends for a while, a little before he debuted even

the one most important thing that drew him to you was your impeccable art skills

your ability to weave together lines and colors so harmoniously, all to produce a single piece of art that can covet so many different emotions

and we all know how big of an appreciation ike has for good art

in fact, your natural artistic talents is what made him fall in love with you in the first place

ike was sure when he first met you, it was just mere admiration for your work

however, the more he frequently met up with you, seeing past your beautiful artwork, he begins to realize the artisan behind it was even more beautiful

your gentle nature, your firey passion, your determination and dedication to your craft, your attitude towards the world, your mutual interest in the art field

there was nothing about you ike would ever change

and there he was, what started as a simple admiration, to a silly crush, to an uncontrollable amount of affection he couldn't hold back

he was gonna burst if he didn’t do anything about it rly

but as ike sat there, half listening to you ramble about an annoying commissioner, he is being eaten alive by the thought of losing you

the thought not being able to listen to you complain about your early stage of kyphosis (relatable asf), a wonderful and supportive fan, the difficulty of one particular commission

your smiles, your laughs, your messages asking about his day

was relaying his feelings for you worth it?

he could very well lose you and there will never be another you to fall in love with

yeah… no

but it became harder for him to deal with you always dropping by his house, either to simply hang out or talk about collaborating on a new project

“it’s inevitable, i suppose,” ike thinks to himself, rubbing away at his face as he once again caught himself daydreaming about you

continuation utc!

y/n l/n: omfg

y/n l/n: this song is so good tskr??????

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: awe thank you y/n you’re so sweet

y/n l/n: i can totally work with this its soooo good

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: that’s good to hear! good luck!

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: like before, u can ask me anything about the song or anything else about the project

y/n l/n: ofc! let’s start with what meaning you want to tell here

y/n l/n: then i can start from there^^

hoo boy

here’s the thing, y/n

with the recent years, ike’s tendency to just think about you every waking moment getting worse, it becomes a bit too much

he had to word it out

not to you of course, that’d be disastrous

so what does he do?

he writes

he pours his heart out, about the nights where he stayed awake thinking, and about the times where he manages to sleep and only dreams of you instead

about the moments where he can hold you freely, where he can place a chaste kiss on your forehead to just express how precious you are to him

and even before ike could realize it, the clock shows him the numbers of the late hour

and the notes before him, his feelings sprawled out in his handwriting in a form of a poem

well, it was a poem that early morning of 1 am, it slowly became a song over the next few days though

“i’m doomed, i swear,” ike sighs, looking at his sheet notes and the lyrics above it

but he was glad

he was somewhat proud of himself for having able to finally word and sort his feelings out like this

although he couldn’t exactly send these words to you, perhaps he didn’t have to directly

so, ike decides to make it his new project

and he plans to post it to his youtube as a another original song of his

one, for the growth of his channel but most importantly, to get that indirect closure

in a way, he would be saying to the world how much he loved you

much like sending a letter to no one, without ever knowing who the recipient may be

it was slightly pathetic, yes, but… ike was okay

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: it’s about… well, it’s rly straight forward isn’t it?

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: it’s about a boy who wants to confess his feelings to the one he loves, but never rly had the courage to do so

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: he’s scared he’s going to lose them if he says the truth so he just stays quiet

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: he stays in the shadows and keeps wondering what could be

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: and there he is with his unrequited love

y/n l/n: god fuck ike that’s too sad you’re tearing me apart T-T

you’re tearing him apart goddammit

“don’t you ever notice?” ike whispers to himself. “just… how much happy i am when i’m around you? how i wish i can just stay with you all the time without worrying you’d slip away?”

he’s both angry and sad

he’s so irritated by the fact you just don’t give him what he wants, that you poison him with such uncertainty

but he had no right to lash out on you either

ike would kill himself before he ever made himself do that

yet there you were, continuing to ask questions about the songs and the meanings he wants to portray so you could integrate it into your work

of course, like any good artist would! it was only natural that you asked as many questions as possible right?

ike understood that and now that he’s thinking about it, enlisting your help might’ve been a mistake

“oh dear me,” ike groans as he finally logs off discord from the mental torture

but he simply couldn’t resist

he loved what you did with his first video and with every artwork you release, be it of your own accord or the collaboration with other people, ike craved to see more

art was the amalgamation of one’s self, wasn’t it? looking at yours made him feel closer to you

how ridiculous it truly was

you were creating art unknowingly about yourself as well

y/n l/n has sent a file.

y/n l/n: okay ike, here’s my initial character designs and drafting for the entire video

y/n l/n: it’s super rough so it can be vague, so feel free to ask anything

ike opens said file, and like other works he’s seen, he’s once again baffled

even though they’re very simple and even messy lines of vague shapes, he can see the flow of the story

he can read how the characters will move about and narrate his song

ike falls again with every swipe of a new frame draft

one of the characters you designed he noticed was meant to be him it seems and the other…

in his mind, it was supposed to be you obviously

but why had you drawn it so very ambiguously unlike his own avatar?

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: hey y/n is the other character not done yet?

y/n l/n: oh yeah

y/n l/n: i couldn’t think of a design straight up so i just went with a very simple shape, then i’ll just go along if i get any ideas

y/n l/n: are u okay with being the mc btw? i can always think of another design

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: no no it’s absolutely alright! u can keep it

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: and as for the drafting, it looks wonderful so far. i love it

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: i can still see the fluidity between scenes and even tho it’s very vague and i might be biased

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: i can see the story very clearly, great work!

y/n l/n: aweee thanks ike!!

of course, art can’t be rushed

but how will you interpret the other person ike wonders?

will you purposely draw it very vaguely?

will you design it in a very specific manner? meant to hint at a person?

would you ever draw the other character as yourself?

ike shakes his head

“no, no way,” he sighs. “but… i can always ask them to do that? it’s my project after all…”

but then you’d find out

“yeah, never mind.”

it had been a few weeks since, with great progress every time you or him mentioned the project

during calls, ike can tell how much of your passion is overflowing as you spoke about the designs or the illustration making so far

and it hurts him to know how you have yet to notice

it might just be him, but he’s been losing more and more sleep the more he thinks about the project and you altogether

ike might as well be digging a hole for his own grave

even the quilldren has started to notice with his shorter streams

“hey, ike?” you called out as you laid sprawled out on his couch

“hm?” ike hums, raising his head and stopping in the middle of his work to pay attention to you

it was another regular day of you dropping by his house, resting for the week before it began again

“have i ever told you that your song is what i’m going through too?”

what?

ike places down his quill, now properly looking at you as his heart continued to sink. “no, you haven’t.”

you laugh, not out of amusement but… bitterness. “well, i am. i’ve been listening to it so much because of the project. i’m not getting bored of it, of course not. but… i’ve come to realize just how much the main character reminds me of myself.”

you raise your hand up out of spite, wiggling your fingers around in the air

“i’m scared. i’m scared of losing them. i wanna tell them how i feel, but… yeah, i’m so worried that i’ll only scare them away,” you drop your hand again and look at ike

them? ike thought

in the slight glimmer of the room’s light, he can see your eyes glossing over and a great pain tugs at his heart upon sensing your distress

and despite the raising questions in his head, he gets up, a little too quickly as he approached you

he sits on the floor facing where you lay on his couch with the most hurt frown on his face upon seeing your sorrow

“hey, are you okay?” he gently asked you

“i wish i could tell them, ike,” the tears finally spill from your ears as you hiccup. “how much i love them. it’s killing me inside.”

i wish i could too

but there you were, pining over someone else that wasn’t him

as much as you were hurting, ike was torn apart inside as well

how he could aid someone who was hurting when he himself was broken?

what should he say???

“h-hey, i’m sorry you’re going through this right now. and i hate knowing my song triggered these feelings,” ike reached for your hand as he rubbed them softly. “do you want to take a break from the project? you don’t have to rush anything, i promise.”

you sniffled, wiping away a tear. “no, i’ll be fine. i just got carried away there. i can still work.”

but the pain was still evident in your eyes and no matter what you said, ike wasn’t going to let it go

“y/n,” he grips your hands tighter, making you stop to look at him. “i don’t want to see you hurt yourself like this. if you really are tired, tell me. i absolutely don’t mind. i value your health and happiness over everything else.”

i just value you as a whole person. you’re so important to me, y/n. why can’t you see that?

silence clouds over the two of you and all ike could hear was the wild beating of his heart

… had he said too much?

“mm,” you nod your head, spilling a few more tears with a tired smile. “maybe you’re right.”

okay he was in the clear.

“see? it never hurts to rest a bit. don’t push yourself, okay?”

“can i have a hug?” you mumble shyly

ike chuckles, opening his arms. “of course you can.”

you giggle and collapse into him

ike lets you nuzzle into his chest and his heart, though still uncertain, is at peace. because here you were, in his arms and well protected by him

and that smile he never wants to see disappear

“it’ll be okay,” ike tells both you and himself as he pats your head down

but it doesn’t

with your break, ike understood as to why you had to be quiet and been contacting him less and less

the project was a relatively long term assignment so it must’ve taken some toll on you

but how is it with you being silent, not asking questions about the song making him feel worse?

during streams, he’d often get lose in his own thoughts

were you okay? were you avoiding him really because of the break? were you still in a bad place?

who was this other person you wished you could confess to?

was there a chance it could be him?

he’d be gaming and continuously lose, always because of lack of focus

at first, chat thought he was just super bad at the game he was doing or if he’s just not feeling it today

but as he continues to randomly be quiet in free chat streams and other games throughout the week

chat was beginning to suspect something was terribly wrong

most times, the only way to bring him back would be to send him a super chat that could alert ike

“o-oh, sorry guys,” he’d apologize, shaking his head and continuing what was meant to happen that stream

it gets so bad that the quilldren resorts to calling other nijisanji members

“mysta, ike needs your help? what’s wrong with ike, chat?”

“milord, ike is in danger. oh no what’s going on?”

or whoever it was that was live with him at the same time

they’d notice after ike didn’t read their messages and have to alternatively call him on discord

“ike, buddy are you okay?”

“i-i’m fine! sorry to have bothered you guys…”

and ike never fails to feel bad for having his co workers and own audience snap him out of it when he should be doing his job

“ike, maybe you should take a break from streaming for a bit,” vox advises him one day on a discord call they had

at that time, it had gotten pretty bad with the streams being worryingly too short and him zoning out every ten minutes

“no, i’ll be fine. i just… haven’t been focusing enough.”

“is something wrong? bothering you?”

yeah

“lack of sleep i guess,” ike smiles through his teeth

vox on the other line merely sighs, “then you should get a few days off to get that sleep in. so long as you stream 3 times, you can rest until the end of the week.”

remembering the exact same conversation he had with you a week back, maybe it was for the best

else, he was gonna go insane

“alright, fine,” ike lets out an exhausted sigh, thanking vox for his company before shutting off his devices for the night

but there he goes, opening his phone and replaying his own song over and over again as if he hadn’t been bothered already

it was because of this damn thing he’s like this

it was because of you he’s messing up like this

ike then suddenly hears the doorbell to his apartment ring

begrudgingly, he gets out of bed and gets ready to curse whoever dares disturb him in his depressed state—

“hey ike”

“y-y/n?”

okay okay backtrack all those plans to ask shu for curse spells

“what’s up?” ike asks, scratching the back of his head rather embarrassedly

“i’m starting to notice how off you’ve been this past week,” you say, crossing your arms. “not much like the ike i know. so i wanted to make sure you’re not overdosing on red bull again and eating real meals. move over, buddy.”

despite everything, despite you being the cause of it all, ike still can’t help but laugh. he moves aside to let you charge in

“alright,” you say, plopping down on the couch. “for real, do you wanna start telling me what’s going on?”

and just like that, the mood changes over swiftly

ike isn’t sure whether to tell you what’s been going on

he’s so afraid of the rejection

he’s so afraid he was gonna lose you entirely, scared by his feelings

but all of this is killing and tearing him apart. he’s messing up his job, he’s worrying his friends and worrying you, the last person he doesn’t want to burden

was this it?

was this the moment he had to tell you?

“ike?”

it’s now or never

“y/n, can i ask you something?” ike inquires, his heart thrumming much too fast against his chest

you tilt your head, “hm?”

“what do you think of ‘unrequited’?”

“well, it’s a very beautiful song. the meaning behind it, every single word written like a story. it evokes so much emotion. hell, it made me cry,” you laugh, but ike fails to see how you being in pain amusing. “your voice too, it just helps bring out the story and feelings more. it… brings me comfort, despite the sad story. it’s like having you there with me when i listen to it.”

just go ike eveland

“that… that’s how you make me feel too.”

“huh?”

no turning back now

ike takes a very long breath in, one he wished could summon all the courage in the world before he faces you

“this song, y/n. you make me so happy. when i’m around you, i just want you to stay by my side.”

“i know it sounds selfish, but i just want to make you smile all the time. i want to be able to protect you. i want to be there for you when you’re sad. i want to be the first person you come to when you’re having troubles.”

“this song is about my feelings about you. how i’ve always loved you but never had the courage to tell you.”

hadn’t he originally planned to get the closure he wants from posting the song to youtube?

commissioning you for this project rly was a bad idea huh?

ike sits stiffly, his hands sweating from the anxiety as no one spared a word. not him or you

especially you

confession aside, it all starts coming back to ike

how will you react?

“i-“

but you close your mouth again and ike wonders if he’s made a mistake

you want to say something but once more, you don’t speak it

“y/n?” ike calls out

like walking straight into a nightmare, he sees you stand back up with your things. you frantically pace before turning to ike, clearly avoiding eye contact

“i gotta go! u-uh, rest up well okay? i’ll see you!”

and that was the last thing ike ever heard from you

you never spoke a word to him for the next week, not even about the project and not even to say hi

you could’ve pretended he didn’t say all those things to you and he would’ve been okay with it

“just please, say something, y/n,” ike watches the screen of his phone, his heart pining to see your name in a form of a message or a phone call

but that moment never came

he scared you off, didn’t he? he had lost you for good now

perhaps, it was for the best…?

ike cried that night, you know

sobbing in despair as he tried to deal with the loss of the one person he cared so much about, one he can share his passion and worries with

all because he decided to be brave

“it’ll pass, right?” he hiccuped, wiping away a tear. but he can’t imagine picking himself back up in the next few days

god, he was going to lose his job if he wasn’t professional about it

then, his phone lit up

y/n l/n has sent a file.

y/n l/n: hey!

y/n l/n: so, there’s the final video!

y/n l/n: tell me what u think about it ike

at the speed of light, ike’s tears dry up and he hastily clicks on the file

and there it was

his song

him as the main character

wait

was that you?

in turn with the song, he intensely watches the illustrations flash by, switching in coordination between him and you

were the tears blinding him?

no, that was your signature hair style, your skin color, your choice of outfits!

wait, what did this mean?

ike was so busy being mesmerized by your sudden cameo in the video that he didn’t even pay attention to the music video as a whole

“w-what?”

and the video finally comes to an end

and there’s this gaping hole in his chest, slowly being filled to the brim with something he can’t quite decipher

what the fuck is going on

well yeah ike thinks it’s absolutely amazing! the final illustrations, the typography, the animations, the effects, the storyboarding—EVERYTHING

BUT WHY THE FUCK DID U PUT YOURSELF THERE

y/n l/n: um, u there ike?

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: sorry sorry! i’m here

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: i’m just… very enchanted by what u did

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI]: it’s so beautiful and gorgeous, y/n… thank you so much

y/n l/n: i’m just doing my work, ike. it’s rly no problem! you made such a beautiful song so i wanted to do it justice u kno?

like a true artist…

ugh, why did you have to give him a reason to fall in love even after everything that’s happened?

shouldn't he be letting you go?

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: no rly it’s so beautiful, the art direction is amazing here

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: i might post this in a few days

y/n l/n: oh yeah sure that’s cool! so that’s it then? is that all? do i need to add or reduce anything?

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: no, y/n, it’s perfect

y/n l/n: well, if u say so then ike

y/n l/n: im glad i was able to work with you again ike, it’s always such an experience

y/n l/n: thanks for coming to me ^-^

Ike Eveland [NIJISANJI EN]: i only come to professionals, what can i say?

y/n l/n: hehe stop that

and just like that, even in the midst of his cries in the dead of night, he laughs

all because of you

you really were something, huh?

at first, ike thought you just messaged him to send the file

but you were asking about his day and asking if he’s eaten all over again

were things going back to normal? like before he confessed to you?

have you decided to just pretend nothing happened?

whatever the case

ike was glad he hadn’t lost you completely

Unrequited / Ike Eveland [original song]

Premiering now

just like usual, you drop by ike’s house to sit through the premiere together

yes, ike was nervous at first but you were right there next to him

interacting with him normally

though he was a little heartbroken

“there it is y/n it’s going to be live soon!” ike says, grinning

“yeah i’m so excited!! there are like 20k ppl waiting, ike, omg,” you exclaim in return

ike chuckles, “i know right? this is so insane. how do u think it’s gonna go?”

“it’s gonna go amazing ofc!! you did such a good job with the song,” your excited smile sends ike unnecessary butterflies but he tries not to mind it

“aren’t you going to credit urself a bit more? you did a beautiful job with the art!” he smiles. “and everyone loved the work you did on the last original song too. they’re gonna like it more now knowing you did the art, y/n.”

you turn away, evidently flustered, “oh, shut up ike you’re too sweet.”

ike can only smile, simply glad you’re here

you face the screen again and enthusiasm decorates your face, “OH SHIT IT’S LIVE NOW AHHHHHHHHH”

ike turns to the screen of his desktop once more, the first notes of his song coming into play as the title of the song appears, along with all the cast involved

the chat of the premiere rolls wildly with glowstick emotes, blue hearts and an emoji strongly related to you

whatever happened, it’s in the past

what you and ike have may not be what he wanted, but he still has you

and that’s okay

Unrequited

lyrics / arrangement / vocals

Ike Eveland

illust / movie

y/n l/n

~~

his love sealed in letters

his letters hidden away under his bed

when will i ever send it? he wonders

will the words inside ever be read?

he thinks what could be

what he could grasp and what he could lose

the truth he truly wants to set free

but the answer he’s afraid will bruise

~~

he looks up at the sky, tears in his eyes

he asks the world why and to you he cries

~~

love, when will you finally smile at me?

like i’m yours as you are mine?

why is it that your beautiful eyes can’t see?

just how much i want our hearts to intertwine?

i want nothing else than for us to dance together

lost in the music, swallowed by the night

our steps forever unchanged by the weather

and your smile remains eternally bright

~~

he sits with you, smiling at what you say

and he wishes to protect it with his life

but the uncertainty eats him away

his cowardice he curses with strife

“why can’t i just say it?” he screams

“why can’t i look at you and tell you”

“how many times you’ve appeared in my dreams”

but he sighs, crying again, “how i love you?”

~~

once again, he gazes up at universe above

and he confesses to his unrequited love

~~

love, when will you finally smile at me?

like i’m yours as you are mine?

why is it that your beautiful eyes can’t see?

just how much i want our hearts to intertwine?

i want nothing else than to hold your hand

braving storms and fires with each other

even through angry waters and dry land

i’d never imagine doing it with any other

~~

the letters under his bed stay sealed

never to be opened and read aloud

his aching, wounded heart never to be healed

the love in him perpetually under a shroud

he’s still afraid

he’s still a coward

in the shadows he stayed

forever to be overpowered

~~

he wonders if he’ll ever escape it

this darkness a black ever true

he sobs, “my love, i want to quit”

“but how can i stop loving an angel like you?”

~~

love, when will you finally smile at me?

like i’m yours as you are mine?

why is it that your beautiful eyes can’t see?

just how much i want our hearts to intertwine?

i want nothing else than for us to dance together

lost in the music, swallowed by the night

our steps forever unchanged by the weather

and your smile remains eternally bright

love, when will you finally smile at me?

like i’m yours as you are mine?

why is it that your beautiful eyes can’t see?

just how much i want our hearts to intertwine?

i want nothing else than to hold your hand

braving storms and fires with each other

even through angry waters and dry land

i’d never imagine doing it with any other

the end credits roll once more, displaying ike’s and your name as the producers for the music video

by the end of it, ike received a huge amount of support from the fans

piling up in thousands of likes and views on the first day of premiering

but most importantly, he felt like he could finally be at peace with himself

and frankly with you too

“hey, ike?” you call out to him gently

“hm?”

ike turns to face you and he sees you fiddling with your fingers

“about what happened a while back…”

oh, so you haven’t decided to pretend it was nothing

ike takes a deep breath, “yeah, what about it?”

then ike hears an unexpected sniffle from you

“y-y/n?”

“you’re way braver than i am, you know that?” you look up and ike wasn’t mistaken when he thought you were crying

“you made a fucking song about me and then you confessed to me,” you smile. “yet here i am, too much of a coward to confess to you too.”

so

your cameo in the video

that was… meant to respond to him?

“y/n…”

“ike, i’m sorry i ran away that day. i ran away without telling you how i felt. i was too scared by my own feelings and by the time i got home, i thought i was so stupid.”

you inhaled, “but… i’m here to finally tell you. that your love isn’t unrequited. that the person i’ve been wanting to tell i love you to has been you this entire time.”

your hand reaches for ike’s as you look up at him, tears still in your eyes

“you were brave. so… i wanted to do the same.”

ike doesn’t know what to say nor feel

so all that pain and fighting through the dark

it wasn’t for nothing after all?

does that mean that all his dreams would finally come true?

was being brave truly the right choice?

“ike, say something.”

“oh, i—“ ike then laughs, lifting up your hands and up against his lips. he smiles, his own tears finally spilling

this time, it wasn’t out of heartbreak. for the first time, it was of happiness

“ike?”

“i want nothing else than for us to dance together. lost in the music, swallowed by the night,” ike sings in a broken voice, but to you, it sounded beautiful all the same

he continues, “our steps forever unchanged by the weather and your smile remains eternally bright.”

ike’s hands cup your face and everything finally, finally felt alright

for real this time

“i love you.”

DISCLAIMER YES THE SONG IS WRITTEN BY ME

Masterlist!

[ppersonna]

swipe right - jjk | m

“ i wanna ruin our friendship. we should be lovers instead. i don't know how to say this, cause you're really my dearest friend “ - jenny, studio killers

♡ summary-  after a horrible breakup, you sign back up for tinder and ironically match with your best friend, jungkook. a date for fun is harmless, right?

♡ genre- best friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, jk is a minecraft streamer, brother namjoon, brother-in-law jimin, namjoon is kind of a himbo stay at home dad ngl, ex-boyfriend seokjin (mentioned but doesnt show up)

♡ word count- 9k

♡ warnings- mentions of a bad breakup (smh seokjin wtf??), penetrative sex, unprotected sex (u know the business folx), oral sex (m receiving), teasing, SO MUCH BODY WORSHIP, jk is a simp, slight dirty talk, lots of just talking during sex yall it happens, creampie, cum play, praise praise body worship praise, did i mention body worship, tit-fucking, cum eating, i think thats all.

♡ a/n - helloooo and thank you for your wait for this fic! i’m so happy its done and i loved writing it! it’s a little bit different feel for my usual style of writing (smut-wise) so please tell me your thoughts! i didn’t use dom/sub themes OR a daddy kink LMAOOOO praise me please. i hope you enjoy!! pls feel free to comment, chat, message, carrier pigeon, email, mail, WHATEVER U WANT, me. i love u babies. thank you to @kimtaehyunq​ for the sexy banner. and for @xjoonchildx @ladyartemesia​ @untaemedqueen​ for the writing support and idea generation. i would be nothing without my council. and thank you to my beta editors @hobi-gif and @ughseoks​ and @hongism​ for the perusal and help in writing this!

Jungkook is the person you call when your world falls apart.

He answers, voice raspy from the late hour, and the second he asks you what’s wrong, the downpour of torrential tears you’ve been holding back finally escapes and you’re sobbing through the phone that you just lost the love of your life—that he left and with little effort on his part, and a lot on yours.

Jungkook listens to you—his heart aching deep in his chest at hearing the utter heartbreak that’s clear in your voice. You’ve never been hurt like this, and he’s desperate to hold you, to make it go away. He wants to drive over to Seokjin’s house and throw a left hook into his stupid, handsome face for making you feel you weren’t worth it.

Because if there’s anything in the world that Jungkook knows, it’s that you’re worth it. You’re worth everything. Add up all the money and all the gold in the entire world, and it still doesn’t meet a fraction of what you’re worth to him.

“Where are you?” He asks as he cradles the phone against one arm and pulls on his jeans.  

You sniffle. “Jungkook, it’s 3 am.”

“So? I was up playing Minecraft,” He lies. “Where are you?”

You can’t help but laugh the tiniest bit, a sliver of warmth wrapping itself around your raw and exposed heart. Like a balm to a flesh wound. It doesn’t heal it, not yet.

“I’m at our park.”

Jungkook smiles as he grips the phone back in his hand. The park. The place you and Jungkook spent your childhood playing make-believe games, and formative teenage years loitering around smoking clove cigarettes to look cool.

“Give me five minutes, okay?”

You nod, even though he can’t see you. 

“Okay.”

Jungkook arrives with two minutes to spare. His beat up Nissan that he insists is “vintage” and “priceless” idles next to you.

He can see you through the darkened glass of your car—your mascara is running down your face, tears streaked through your flawlessly applied makeup.

You still look so beautiful.

And it angers Jungkook that all that time you spent looking good for Seokjin meant nothing to him.

He motions for you to come over, pats the passenger seat next to him and smiles as he watches you open the door and slide into the security of his familiar car.

“You cleaned your car,” you murmur as you notice a severe lack of McDonald’s trash.

He sniffs haughtily. 

“The trash added character.”

Jungkook doesn’t give you a chance to respond. Instead, he’s unbuckling his seatbelt and pulling you as close to him as he can get you. The instant his arms wrap around your body, the floodgates open again and your once-quieted tears turn back into full-fledged sobs.

“I loved him,” you gasp through the pain in your throat.

He rubs your back, pats your hair gently, soothing you the way he has for years now. Through every breakup, through every family fight with your older brother Namjoon, through all the mean girls in high school. Jungkook is the north star—always consistent, always guiding you back to safety.

“I know, babe,” he sighs. “You deserve someone who’s going to treat you right, who’s not just going to give up when things get hard.”

You choke back a cry against his Patagonia hoodie and bury your face further into the crook of his neck. He smells like Old Spice and the shampoo he uses, along with the smell of laundry soap you buy for him—he uses dish soap when he runs out and nearly broke his washing machine last time.

“I thought he was the one. I’m so stupid.”

Jungkook swallows hard. Tonight is about comforting you, not about feeling sorry for himself that you’re his best friend and not his girlfriend. He can’t help but think of what kind of life he would give you. He knows it’s one that wouldn’t end with you crying in a parking lot at 3 AM.

“You’re not stupid, you just loved him. And there’s nothing stupid about loving someone, even if it doesn’t work out,” he sighs as he cradles your head against him. It feels right having you there, pressed up against him and seeking comfort from the solace of his arms.

“Let’s go get a milkshake, yeah?” He asks as you pull your head up and look at him with sad, glassy eyes.

“Yeah,” you nod after a moment of staring.

Jungkook’s eyes sparkle with love, with hope. It makes the desperate, alone feeling inside you—disappear. Jungkook presses a soft kiss to your forehead and then starts the shaky ignition of his car, that takes three cranks of the key before it turns over.

He sends you a look, a laugh evident on your face.

“Don’t even start,” he warns. “The engine is fine.”

“Whatever you say,” you snort as you wipe an errant tear from your face.  

“It’s a certified classic car! I could get millions for this baby!”

As the weeks pass, the pain of losing Seokjin becomes further and further from your mind. You can get through the day without crying anytime you see something that reminds you of him and even start flirting with others without feeling like you’re cheating.

You just still haven’t reached the point where dating someone else even feels possible. You’re terrified of allowing someone close to you, letting them into a place where you’re inviting them to possibly hurt you. You’re not sure your heart is ready for it. 

“I think you’re just scared,” your older brother Namjoon states as he warms up a bottle of milk in boiling water. 

He cradles his new baby in one arm while the other works at the bottle of milk. 

“I’m not scared,” you huff. “I just don’t think it’s the right time.” 

Namjoon sighs and hands the gurgling newborn baby off to you and readies the bottle for you to feed your new niece, Jisoo. 

“Look, Seokjin sucks, okay? I know you two were together for some time, but in the end, he wasn’t the right one for you. There’s someone out there who is the right one for you. You know how many shit frogs I had to kiss before I got my prince?” 

You make a face as you feed Jisoo, who happily sucks and gazes at the lights above. 

“You call Jimin a prince?” 

Namjoon sighs dreamily as he watches the baby and thinks of his husband. 

“The dreamiest prince,” he breathes, eyes closed in bliss. “But back to your problems. I think you should get back out there. Go on some dates, meet some people. No one is telling you to fall in love and get married tomorrow. Just go have some fun.” 

You allow Namjoon’s words to mull through your mind. What could be the harm in joining a few dating sites, perhaps spending some time at the gym or grocery store flirting with someone cute?

“Fine,” you say. “I’ll think about it.” 

“Good. I can’t be the only one giving our parents grand-babies. Soo needs a cousin.” 

You smile down at the tiny bundle in your arms and imagine a future where you have a baby of your own. 

“Okay, I’m not trying to get knocked up, Joon.” 

“Whatever,” he sighs. “Help me choose a wall color for me and Jimin’s new master bathroom.” 

Tinder’s changed since the last time you used it, years ago. It’s gone from any semblance of dating to strictly an app used to get laid. 

It’s discouraging swiping through all the obvious fuckboys. Sure, a quick and easy lay sounds great, but you’re also trying to go out and enjoy real, traditional dates, and it seems none of these guys want to step foot outside of a bedroom. 

The swiping left becomes almost monotonous. You’re sitting on your couch, watching some documentary about serial killers, when a startling profile pops up on your Tinder feed. 

The picture that pops up is... Jungkook. You can’t stop the bubble of laughter that leaps from your chest. His profile is so authentically Jungkook that you’re swiping right before you even know it. 

Your brain doesn’t even comprehend what a match with Jungkook means, really. You’re still laughing as you click on the bubble to message him and send him as many laugh emojis as you can. 

“Hey guys, what’s up, Kookie here with another Let’s Play Minecraft video for ya. Be sure to like and subscribe if you enjoy this kind of content.”

Jungkook’s headset is firmly wrapped around his head, mic next to his mouth and hands at the ready on his mouse and keyboard. He’s set and in the zone. 

The game is well into play when the familiar chime of his phone goes off. It’s a Tinder notification—he can tell by the sound. He can’t help but roll his eyes, wondering what sort of boring conversation he’s meant to have with a girl who will probably ghost him, anyway. 

He lazily lifts his phone and glances at the notification, before dropping it back to the desk. 

His hand freezes on his mouse as he finally comprehends what he just read. 

He just matched with YOU. 

His best friend. 

His secret, lifelong crush. 

He sputters something into the microphone and stops recording his game, wildly grasping for the phone and unlocking it. 

YN: 😂😂😂😂 is your bio a Minecraft pickup line?!

He pauses, attempts to collect his thoughts, before desperately typing on his screen. 

JUNGKOOK: Why? 😉😏 did it work?

You spend the rest of your night jokingly flirting with Jungkook, sending GIFs and emojis in between the silly lines you’re using on each other. 

Right before you’re about to head to sleep, Jungkook sends one last message. 

JUNGKOOK: What if we went on a date lolol. Haha jk. Unless?? 👀👀👀

Your thumbs hover over the keys to your phone. 

A date with Jungkook? Even though you matched with him, you’ve never thought of a date with your childhood best friend. 

YN: alright, it’s only fair since we matched 😝 show me how you treat these tinder ladies

“I have a date with Jungkook tonight,” you tell your brother, Namjoon, over the phone. 

Over the crying of your newborn niece, you hear Namjoon splutter in confusion. 

“You what!?” He nearly screams. “Jeon Jungkook? Like... the annoying kid you’ve been friends with since fourth grade?”

You huff. 

“He’s not annoying! He’s my best friend. We ironically matched on Tinder and… Well, why the fuck not? Nothing serious is going to happen. We’ll go out and have a story to tell about how incompatible we are.”

Namjoon doesn’t reply. Instead, you hear him speak to his husband. 

“She’s going on a date with Jungkook,” he says over the muffle of his hand on the receiver.

There’s a shuffle, and the dulcet voice of your brother-in-law, Jimin, comes over the line. 

“Girl,” he starts. “What the fuck?”

You chuckle as you move about your closet, trying to decide what’s appropriate to wear on a date with your best friend. 

“It’s nothing!” 

“Mm-hmm,” Jimin tuts. “You know the boy is in love with you.” 

“Okay, Chim, you’ve been spending too much time cooped up with my brother. It’s affecting your grip on reality.”

“Sure, honey. I just tell it like it is. Don’t break his heart.” 

You roll your eyes. 

“I won’t break his heart because there’s nothing there, Jimin.”

“I’ll be expecting your call later.”

“Yes, dad. Love you guys.”

“We love you too, sweetheart. But really, don’t break that poor boy’s heart.”

You open your mouth to retort yet another reassurance that there’s nothing to break, but the line goes dead.

“Fucking Jimin,” you mutter as you throw your phone to the bed.

You can’t allow yourself to think that Jungkook might have feelings for you. It’s totally out of the questions. He’s your best friend. The guy who shoves Cheetos up his nose to make you laugh and falls asleep during every movie night with his face in the popcorn bowl. He’s just Jungkook. This date is just a funny way to hang out.

So, why do you care so much about what you wear?

You’re still standing in front of your closet, attempting to find something respectable to wear. It doesn’t matter that the last time Jungkook saw you; it was with mascara streaming down your face and a hoodie from Namjoon’s college swimming days and ripped leggings. Jungkook has seen you in nearly everything you wear, so your indecisiveness gives you pause.

Do you want Jungkook to be attracted to you? Do you want to do your best to look as presentable as you would for a normal date?

The thudding of your heart tells you that maybe you’re more interested in this being a date than you’re allowing yourself to believe.

You shake all thoughts off. 

No, you won’t allow yourself to overthink a night that should just be fun.

You settle for a fitted and simple summer dress, tights and heels. Simple, easy, respectable but also showing enough cleavage and sculpt of your ass to ensure you look more dressed up than not.

Perfect.

With one last look in the mirror, you’re ready.

JUNGKOOK: I’m outside!

ME: See you soon!

Jungkook taps his foot anxiously as he sits on the bench outside your apartment. His tight black jeans feel like a second skin on his legs, and the black button-down shirt he’s tucked in makes him rethink his choice of outfit.

Is he too casual?

He’s never really worn something like this around you. This is what Jungkook wears when he wants to seduce. This is what every girl he’s desperately wished was you got to see. The girls who swooned over his messy hair, the way his jeans display his toned thighs, the peek of skin at his throat.

Maybe it’s too much.

Maybe he’s afraid he’ll scare you away.

Maybe he’s afraid you won’t like it.

He’s given no chance to ruminate anymore because you’re exiting the building and walking straight towards him.

He doesn’t think he remembers how to breathe.

It’s as if you walk towards him in slow motion. Angels chorus around him and the setting sun sparkles on your face like a spotlight. There’s nothing in the world anymore, nothing but you.

You’re the most beautiful human he’s ever seen in his life.

“Hi,” you smile as you approach him.

He continues to stare, eyes traveling over the soft curves of your cheeks and jaw, trailing down to the way your dress clings just right to each dip of your body. His throat goes dry.

You are without a doubt the girl of his dreams. 

“Jungkook?”

It pushes him out of his reverie, eyes widening as he realizes he’s been staring at you for maybe a few minutes too long to play off as normal.

“Hey!” He coughs, attempting to right himself.

“You okay?” You ask, eyebrow lifted in concern.

“Yeah! Yup! Totally! I’m okay—a-okay, absolutely great.” He internally slaps himself.

“You clean up nice,” you smile as your eyes elevate up and down the lean form of his body.

“Oh?” He asks, taken aback. 

In his daze, he never even realized what you’re thinking about him, rather only how intensely he was thinking about you.

“This must be the Jungkook that all the girls in college couldn’t stop begging me to hook them up with.”

His cheeks flame with sudden embarrassment, hand moving to the back of his neck to rub it awkwardly. 

“Ha, yeah,” he swallows. “You look r-really nice too. I don’t think I’ve seen you in a dress since your brother’s wedding.”

The smile that he’s rewarded with nearly knocks him on his ass. “Thanks! It’s fun to dress up cute again. Jin hated this dress.”

A stab of pain eeks its way into Jungkook’s heart. Seokjin. God, how he hates that man.

“Well, uh, you can wear whatever you want with me!” He assures. 

You loop your arm around Jungkook’s, saddling up to his side as you look at him expectantly.

“Well, are we going?”

Jungkook can’t help but smile at the sparkle in your eye, the way you peer up at him with those soft, cherry lips. He wants to capture them with his own, kiss you until you don’t remember Seokjin’s name ever again.

But he resists.

“Let’s go!”

You never thought you’d admit it to yourself. You never even thought it could happen. 

But the date is everything you’ve ever wanted, and more. 

Jungkook is still Jungkook, still just as silly and easy to talk to as he always is. 

But he’s also charming. Flirtatious, even. He holds doors open for you; he rests his hand on the small of your back as he guides you towards your table at dinner. He feeds you bites of his dessert and lets his eyes linger on the way your lips look wrapped around his fork. 

Jungkook treats you the way you’ve always wanted to be treated. Like someone he wants to cherish for the rest of your combined lives. Someone he wants to take care of, build a future with, enjoy life with.

And as much as it thrills you, it absolutely frightens you. 

It’s when you’re walking down the small river trail together that Jungkook slips his hand into yours and laces your fingers together. The once-steady beat of your heart becomes erratic. He continues chatting—as if holding your hand was a subconscious act for him. He’s knee deep in a story of his Minecraft server when you stop walking, causing him to pause. 

“What’s up?” He asks curiously. 

Your eyes glitter with anticipation, with fear, as you stare at the gorgeous man before you. He looks like a full course meal in his tight jeans and he makes you feel like a princess. You can suddenly see doing life by his side—no longer his platonic best friend, but as his lover and lifelong partner. 

You say nothing. Instead, you simply close the space between you two by grabbing the buttons of his shirt and tugging his lips onto yours. 

“Wha—oh, mmmmmm.”

Jungkook is still for a second as he battles the surprise, but jumps into action and cups your face with his hands, deepening the kiss by pushing his tongue past your lips and swirling it around your own. 

Your bodies press close together. He can feel your breasts against his chest and he desperately wants to rip the dress off your body and worship you like he’s always wanted to. 

As soon as the kiss started, it’s over. You’re pulling away with eyes wide with fear.

“I’m sorry, I—I need to go,” you stammer awkwardly.

Jungkook’s heart drops to his stomach.

“What? We were going to get ice cream?”

You can feel tears building in the corners of your eyes. You’re so confused, so unsure of what you’re feeling. You want to stay and kiss Jungkook until you’re clawing at the clothing on his body, pressing kisses to the firm column of his neck. You want to run far away, too scared to admit it to him you’re sure you could love him for the rest of his life.

You can’t lose that friendship. You can’t risk everything you love about Jungkook. He’ll only hurt you the way every boyfriend ever has.

“I don’t really feel well,” you swallow hard as you lie. Jungkook always knows when you’re lying.

His body stiffens.

“Okay, let me walk you home.”

You shake your head, already moving away from the man.

“It’s fine. We’re nearby. I’ll just run or something.”

He opens his mouth to protest, but you’ve already turned face and started running the direction away from him.

Jungkook watches, misty-eyed, as the girl of his dreams runs further and further away from him.

You’re sobbing as you finally reach home, out of breath and confused. The phone call to Namjoon is quick.

“Yo,” he says cooly as he answers the phone. His tone changes when he hears your whimpering sobs on the other end.

“Joonie,” you whisper. “I fucked up.”

“Oh god,” Namjoon quickly shuffles and calls his husband over, before putting the phone on speaker.

“What’s happened, baby?” Jimin’s sweet voice asks.

“I—I kissed him,” you sob, holding yourself close in the comfort of the elevator. 

Namjoon and Jimin look at each other with knowing looks.

“We’re on our way over.”

Jimin knows the first order of business is to stop the crying. He places sleeping baby Jisoo in your arms, which quiets your whimpers enough as you cling to the tiny baby. He knows your weakness is sleeping babies.

Namjoon looks on anxiously, hates seeing his little sister upset and with no way to make it better.

Jimin’s been asked to take the lead on this, because he knows his husband's response is to cry as well—he gets emotional anytime he sees her cry. Namjoon agreed, knowing Jimin was better suited for the conversation.

“Tell us what happened,” Jimin asks quietly. You’re rocking the baby gently, sobs turned to sniffles. “Did something go wrong on the date?”

Your eyes peer up at your brother-in-law’s, a wounded look that makes Jimin feel sad. Namjoon clenches beside him, and Jimin lays a hand on his lap to soothe the protective brother.

“No,” you whisper. “That’s the thing. It was an amazing date.”

Jimin watches you curiously, but remains silent to let you continue.

“We had dinner, and we played arcade games and we walked around. And he was so… fuck, he was perfect. It was like dating the guy of my dreams.”

Jimin nods knowingly.

“And it surprised you how much you liked him.”

“Yeah,” you sniffle. “At the end, he was holding my hand and just talking about normal, stupid Jungkook shit, but this time it felt like more. Like, I felt in my heart that I wanted to be the one he always talked to about it. I wanted to be the one he came home to at night.”

Jimin pats your cheek lovingly, the care for his sister-in-law clear in his gaze. 

“You don’t just like him, honey. I think you might even love him.”  

You pull baby Jisoo tighter into your grasp and nod, pathetic tears slipping down your face. 

“I just left him. Like, I ran away from him like an asshole.”

Namjoon grunts and takes a spot next to Jimin. “If he loves you, which I’m sure he does, he’ll still be waiting for you.”

Jimin nods and rests a hand on his husband's back. “But you better have one hell of an apology.”

Jungkook doesn’t answer your phone calls. He doesn’t respond to your texts, snapchats or Instagram DM’s. He doesn’t even look at the TikToks you sent him! It’s becoming infuriating to get in touch with him.

You take matters into your own hands and storm to his apartment after work, the rising tension in your shoulders and stomach full of rocks an indicator of your anxiety about the future of this relationship.

Jungkook opens the door wearing nothing but a pair of grey sweats. All the carefully crafted words exit your mind at light 

speed and you’re left gasping, wide-eyed at the chiseled body of your best friend.

“Can I help you?” He asks, tone flat.

Ouch.

You push past him into the apartment you know so well. “Yeah, you could start by answering your phone.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes and closes the door, then heads back towards the large gaming setup in the living room.

“My apologies for not responding to the girl who literally ran away from me on a date.”

Your cheeks heat uncomfortably as you stand in the center of his living room, arms crossed over your chest. 

“Jungkook, listen. I’m—”

“Please,” he shakes his head as he sits down at the impressive gaming chair. “Save the apologies. I get it.”

“You don’t get it!” You say, exasperated. “You don’t get any of it! That’s why I’m here.”

Jungkook narrows a look at you then stands from his chair. Slowly, he makes his way towards you and stands inches from your face. The proximity of his bare, toned chest to your body makes your throat dry.

“No, you don’t get it.” His voice is threateningly quiet, completely different from his usual chipper tone. 

“Jungkook, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” He quirks his head sarcastically, and you’re struck by the sharp lines of his jaw. “Sorry for running away from the date? Sorry for going on a date? Sorry for making me feel like I had a fucking chance when you kissed me?”

You swallow hard and open your mouth to reply, but he cuts you off.

“I’m sorry too. For giving myself way too much hope that this could ever be something. I’m sorry for myself for thinking you’d at least respect me enough to reject me politely.”

“You always had a chance!” You can feel tears building in your eyes and Jungkook feels his heart pound in his chest like a drum.

He scoffs, a harsh and mirthless laugh. “Clearly not.”

“I just—,” you start. “I never saw you like that before and suddenly you became everything I’ve ever dreamed of. It was like getting hit by a train, Kook! Suddenly my best friend turned into the man of my dreams.”

He shakes his head, stepping back away from you.

“I really find it hard to believe you,” he whispers. “I can’t let myself hope.”

“Jungkook, please,” you beg as tears start slipping down your face. “Please believe me.”

“Just leave,” he sighs. “I hate making you cry.”

You want so badly to wrap yourself in his arms, cry into his chest like you always do when you’re hurt. But you stand still, frozen in your shame and embarrassment of hurting your best friend so badly.

“I’m sorry,” you murmur, before you spin around as quickly as you can and leave Jungkook’s apartment in a flurry.

He watches as the door slams behind you, eyes full of sadness and regret. As much as he wants to believe you, have faith in every word you said, he can’t allow himself to get his hopes up again.

He can’t watch you run away from him again.

“Welcome back to Kookie’s Wild Weekly Walkthrough!” Jungkook cheers as enthusiastically as he can through his microphone. “The weekly segment where I react to your Minecraft worlds!”

Jungkook needed to dive back into streaming to take his mind off of you. He hasn’t left his apartment in days, only subsisting on takeout and coffee. At least he was making more money and his subscribers didn’t seem to mind the up-tick in content.

“Tonight I’ll be walking through a creation sent by,” he squints at the username. “‘Kookiesgal95’ Aww that’s cute.”  

He readies the content and starts his camera as he watches the YouTube link. His subscribers love his reaction videos—it’s a highly requested segment.

The video starts off easily, a generic Minecraft world that looks like a park.

“Hi Kook.”

The voice that reverberates through his headphones makes him pause the video quickly, wide-eyed with recognition.

It’s you. He’d know that voice from a million others. 

Shit. He’s going to have to edit so much of this clip. He’s staring at the screen as if he’s just seen a ghost.

Unsteadily, he clicks play again and watches as you lead him through your Minecraft creation.

“I wanted to recreate something for someone very special in my life.”

Jungkook doesn’t even bother to react to this anymore. This entire video is going to be worthless—there’s nothing he can say.

The video pans around the Minecraft setup and he can see what looks like handmade swings and merry go rounds.

“It took me a really long time to do this and an embarrassing amount of help from some twelve-year-olds on the internet.”

He laughs and is stunned by the wet tears rolling down his cheeks. He hadn’t realized he was crying.

“I re-created a park that is really special to my best friend and I.”

He feels his chest tighten and relax. The park. 

“This is the spot where he held me when my dog died when I was nine. I still miss that dog.”

The view is on a spot next to a blocky oak tree. Jungkook remembers that day, remembers your heartbroken sobs as he whispered words of comfort to you. He misses that dog, too. 

“This is where he and my brother got in a fight when we were eleven, because my brother called me a stupid-head. My best friend has always been protective of me, even from my own big brother.”

He can still remember pushing Namjoon around after hearing him call you names. He pushed Namjoon over and threatened to use his “big muscles” if he did it again.

The camera pans to an enormous structure, rather sloppily made, of a slide and monkey bars.

“This is where we first shared a joint in high school. I coughed a lung up and he ran down the street to a gas station at ten pm to get me a bottle of water even though I told him I was okay,”

The memory of the bewildered 7-11 employee plays through his mind. The man watched as a very stoned, very out of breath, Jungkook paid for a bottle of water in coins.

The video continues playing, moves towards what appears to be a parking lot made of cobblestone blocks.

“This is where he held me when my world fell apart.”

The break-up. The way you cried and cried and cried in his arms and he held you as if you were the only thing left on Earth. 

“This is where he reminded me I’m worthy of love, that I’m not broken. This is where he held me like I was delicate, but treated me like I was unbreakable.”

His tears don’t stop. Jungkook feels his heart thundering in his chest like a summer storm. 

He can hear your sniffles through the recording of the video—you were crying too. It pans around to the swing set.

“And this is where I’ll tell him everything, tonight. Where I’ll tell him how deeply I love him and how I want to make him the happiest guy in the world. In all of Minecraft and beyond. I hope he comes.”

Jungkook doesn’t even bother turning his camera off.

Instead, he’s running to change out of his three-day-old clothes and bolt out the door.

The creaky, rusty metal of the swing set is deafeningly loud in the silence of your park.

It’s dark, just a few street lights around to illuminate the perimeter, but it’s otherwise only lit by the moon.

It’s getting cold. You shiver in your hoodie and kick at the dirt under your swing. 

Maybe he didn’t see the video. Maybe he wasn’t going to show.

Maybe it was too late.

You spent hours working on the Minecraft world, staying up at all hours of the night to build and craft a poor re-creation of this park. The twelve-year-olds on Reddit had been invaluable and Namjoon definitely made fun of you for your creative assistants. But it had all been worth it. 

“Fuck,” you speak out loud to no one, as you try to warm your hands in the pockets of your sweater. “It’s cold.”

“You should have brought a jacket.”

The sudden voice from behind startles you. You hop off the swing and whip around to face  down the intruder.

Jungkook.

He looks so good. He’s wearing a thick coat and tight jeans. Your eyes take a delicious journey from head to toe.

He can’t help but preen at your blatant appreciation. He enjoys knowing you’re attracted to him, at least physically.

“You came.”

He nods and takes a nervous step towards you. He’s still far away, more than an arm's-reach away. You’re desperate to bring him closer, to pull him tight against your body and wrap yourself around him. You never want to be without his gentle touch again.

“I felt pretty compelled to come after you made all this in Minecraft for me.” He cracks a wry smile, a boy-ish grin that makes your heart flutter.

“It took me twenty-five hours and some teenagers to help.”

He laughs, a beautiful sound that warms you. “I’m sure they were ecstatic to help.”

You chew at the inside of your cheek, nervous at what he thinks about your in-game confession.

“Did you mean it?” He asks. He steps closer—one more step.

“Every word.”

His eyes are searching yours for the truth, desperately diving into the depths for validity.

“Why did you run away?” Another step.

You swallow hard, heavy tears brimming in your eyes.

“You went from being the silly best friend to being the person I could spend the rest of my life with. It all hit me. It’s always been you.”

One more step and now he’s just within your reach. If you stuck your hand out, your fingers would graze the soft puff of his coat, the delicate skin of his neck. 

“I’ve always felt that way about you. I never thought you’d feel the same.”

You smile softly, timidly. “It just took me a little while longer to realize it.”

All at once, Jungkook closes the gap and holds you gently by your cheeks. His thumbs wipe at the moisture under your eyes. 

“I promise to never make you cry again,” he whispers reverently. 

“And I promise to never run away from you again.” 

Jungkook smiles at that, cradling your face like you’re the most expensive and precious jewel. 

“Can I kiss you again?” He asks, somewhat unsure of himself. 

“I would like it if you would.”

As Jungkook presses his cold, plush lips to your own, you make a promise to yourself to never go a day without kissing him again. 

“I can’t believe you’re in my bedroom,” Jungkook murmurs as he kisses at your face. After the park, Jungkook loaded you into his priceless Nissan and scurried home. You could hardly keep your hands off him as he drove you back to his place—reaching and caressing the spots on his body you’re dying to become familiar with. 

“I’ve been in your bedroom before,” you remind him as he tugs up the hoodie you’re wearing. 

“God, don’t be so semantic when I’m trying to fuck you,” he says before throwing the hoodie to a corner of the room. “You know what I mean.”

Jungkook kisses you again, all lips and teeth and tongue. He kisses you like you’re the last breath of air, and he’s greedy for every bit. He grips your hips, not too tight, and brings your body against his. You can feel him grow in hardness in his too tight, and it feels like bliss. 

Teasingly, you grind your hips against his, making him shudder with desire.

“I want you,” he whines as he nibbles at your lip. 

“Really? I couldn’t tell.”

He opens his eyes to level a look at you, pulling his mouth away from yours. 

“You’re such a little smartass.”

His hands become feverish on your jeans, tugging apart the button and flicking down the fly. He pushes them down quickly, and you kick them off carelessly. 

He can’t stop looking at you in your bra and panties, standing at the foot of his bed. 

“Holy shit, okay, this is happening, right? Like, this is real?” 

You smirk, pleased with Jungkook’s obvious excitement. 

“Let me prove it’s not just a dream.” 

Softly, you spin Jungkook around and push him down to sit on his bed. He complies easily, eyes wide and excited. 

“If this is a dream, would you be able to feel this?” You ask as you unbuckle  his belt and open his jeans. He doesn’t reply, simply watches you as you tug his jeans down to his thighs. 

His cock strains hard against his tight boxers, and you run a teasing finger over the obvious bulge. 

“Oh fuck,” he breathes. 

“Feels pretty real, huh?”

“Y-yeah.” 

Your delicate hands gently tug at the waistband of his boxers and easily work them down enough to free the length of his cock. It springs out easily and your eyes widen at the impressive size. You assumed he would be at least average, but you’re looking at something definitely more. 

“Oh wow,” you whisper. “You’re fucking huge.” 

Jungkook grins. “All for you, baby.” The cockiness is palpable. 

One solid grip around him wipes the presumptuous smile off his face, replaced with a gasping, shuddering moan. 

“How about this? Not a dream?”

He struggles to find his voice, instead he’s gulping for air like a fish out of water. 

“That’s what I thought,” you whisper before settling into a position on your knees. “I’ll admit, I’ve dreamt about this too. I always felt so ashamed for dreaming about sucking my best friend's cock.”

You press soft kisses to the head of his length, teasing the sensitive areas at the tip before kissing up and down the length. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

His evident desire for you encourages you, and your tongue swipes at the crown of his tip and swirls around it gently. 

“Oh my god.” His eyes shutter closed and you trace the veins in his dick with your tongue. 

“This h-has to be a dreeeaaaaam,” he whines as you make an exceptionally long stripe with the flat of your tongue. 

You pull off for a moment, humming. He springs his eyes open and watches as you reach behind your back and unsnap your bra. Your breasts escape with a bounce and his eyes widen, nearly bulging out of their sockets. 

“What the fuck,” he whines. “You have the most amazing tits.”

He reaches out to grasp them and you slap them away playfully. 

“Not yet,” you smirk. “Still trying to convince you you’re not asleep.” 

He sucks in his breath and puts his hands back to the bed to steady himself, eyes never leaving yours (except to stare at the luscious curves of your body). 

Grasping your breasts in both hands, you smash them together lightly in an elaborate show of what Jungkook wants most. You lean over his body and place the throbbing thickness of his cock in between your tits, allowing him to feel just how soft and warm they are. 

“Shit!” He yelps, grabbing his sheets in a tight fist. “Are you really tit-fucking me right now?!”

Slowly, you lift your body up and down, allowing his cock to feel each stroke of your breasts. You nod at his question and continue to pump up and down. 

“Still dreaming?” 

He whines and shakes his head, already feeling so close to the edge. His cock is slick from your teasing licks and the pressure of your tits surrounding him had his mind spinning with desire. 

“Ahhh, I’m so fucking close,” he warns.

You continue, speeding up the friction and pressure of your strokes. 

“I want you to cum on me, Kook,” you whisper encouragingly. “Cum on my tits, please?”

Jungkook feels like he’s a wire about to snap, and your thick, sultry voice and incredibly perfect breasts are the snips that breaks him apart. 

“Oh, shit,” he grunts. “Gonna paint your titties white, baby.”

His moans echo around the walls of his bedroom, small gasps of pleasure and your name escaping his perfectly plump pout. 

His hot load splatters on your chest, and you stroke him through each pulse of his cock. You’re slippery with his seed now, and when you pull away from his spent length, you make a show of rubbing in his cum over your chest.

“Okay, definitely not dreaming,” he says in a daze as he watches you lift a wet finger to your mouth, popping it in to clean it off. “Who knew you were so fucking kinky?” 

His confidence grows as he catches his breath. He can’t believe he’s sitting on his bed with you on your knees, breasts covered in his load. You’re suckling the cum off your finger like it’s his cock, and he’s desperate for more.

“There are lots of things you don’t know about me,” you shrug. 

Swiftly, he grabs you gently by your bicep and pulls you close, sucking at your lips until you’re both standing. 

“I plan to find out everything.” 

Suddenly, you’re switching positions and Jungkook is pushing you down into the bed. You lay flat in the center, body relaxed and eager for your best friend.

“What are you doing?” You ask. He’s still standing at the end of the bed, watching you get comfortable. Once he’s satisfied that you’re lying exactly how you want, he settles himself by your feet.

“Worshipping you,” he says as he lifts an ankle and presses gentle kisses to your calf. “Showing you how much I adore you.” More kisses, soft and sweet. “Showing you how I plan on treating you for the rest of your life.” 

He takes his time, lavishing your legs with his mouth. He kisses and sucks at any spot, sexual or not. He mouths at the roundness of your knees, your firm hamstrings. He presses his love into the skin of your thighs, mouthing his praises with each kiss. 

He reaches the dip of your hips and he gently kisses your exposed skin as he tugs your cotton panties off you. 

“I have loved every inch of you since before I can remember,” he praises as his lips skim over the mound of your cunt. “And I don’t plan on stopping soon.” 

Your body feels like it’s on fire, as if Jungkook lights a match at every spot his lips press against. Your eyes close, and you allow Jungkook to continue his pious worship of your body. 

He teases around your folds, kissing your labia ever so gently—making you gasp. He doesn’t linger long, only kisses you enough to stir the licking flames of heat in your belly.  

He kisses at your stomach, gently nibbling and laving at the softness there. You try to hide from him, try to hide your insecurities of your body in his thorough exploration, but he moves your hands. 

“I know you don’t like this part of your body,” he murmurs. His voice is so soft, so pure and sincere. “But I do. I love everything about you.” 

His tongue swirls around your belly button, making you gasp at the ticklish sensation. 

“You’re so pretty. So perfect.” 

He continues upwards, lips now trailing to your full breasts. He takes his time there, licking and kissing and flicking at your nipples with his tongue. It feels exhilarating—Jungkook’s mouth feels like everything you want it to feel like. His tongue is warm, and he bites with just enough pressure to make your back arch off the bed into his embrace.

His hands explore, taking stock of every millimeter of skin he can find. He wants to memorize every freckle, every bump, every scar and line. Your body is his paradise, and all he can think of is you, you, you.

One hand travels down your body as he moves his lips up your neck. It snakes down your stomach and deftly slides over your soaked core. You whine as you feel his fingers part your folds and dip into the wetness.

“So wet,” he says out loud, verbalizing every tantalizing detail of your body. “So perfect.”

His lips are finally at your own and you kiss him passionately, tongue swirling around his as he slides his two fingers past your clit and into your drenched hole. You gasp against his mouth, eyes widening as he slowly scissors his fingers into you and pumps slowly. It’s almost teasing, the way he fucks his fingers in you. Slow, firm movements with his powerful hands.

“Jungkook!” You gasp. He doesn’t reply, instead he bites at your lip and tugs, then trails his hot mouth back down to your nipples. He can’t get enough of your breasts and the slightly salty taste of him still lingering.

“You feel so good,” he says as he speeds his fingers up minutely. “So tight and wet for me.”

Your hips writhe in need. He’s giving you what you need, but not enough. You need more, more. You want to feel him, all of him, spearing you open.

“Please, Kook,” you groan. “I need you.”

He laughs softly against your nipple and sucks extra hard, letting it pop out of his mouth audibly.

“And I need you, my love.”

“Fuck me, please.” You’re desperate, thighs quaking from the slow teasing. “I want you to fuck me, Jungkook.”

Chills shudder down Jungkook’s spine and he’s powerless to say no, not when you demand it so well.

“With pleasure,” he agrees. He pulls his fingers from within you and copies your move, sliding them into his mouth to suck your essence off. 

He’s never looked sexier. His eyes are dark chocolate pools of burning intensity, and you feel your breath become shaky as you watch him clean his fingers with precision.

After he’s deemed his fingers sufficiently clean, he settles himself between your legs. Easily, he lifts your hips and shoves a pillow underneath, elevating you to a more comfortable position. He grabs your legs and tosses each over his shoulders so they’re higher in the air. 

“I’m going to fuck you so good, baby,” he promises as he rubs the tip of his cock on your soppy slit. “Condom?”

You shake your head, appreciative of his question but desperate to feel him completely.

“Birth control. Regularly tested. Haven’t had sex in a while,” you blurt out. “You good?”

He nods in agreement. “Same. Well, except the birth control. But, I’d take it if they made it for men.”

“Jungkook!” You whine. Your best friend is so easily sidetracked. “Please, can you fuck me?”

He grins. “Tsk, someone is impatient.”

A low moan is rumbling in your chest as he continues to rub his thick cock at your entrance.

“I swear to god, you’re the biggest tease.”

“Oh, I’m definitely the biggest.”

Before you can react, he’s pushing past your entrance and sliding deep in your walls. Your position makes his cock feel deep, and he bottoms out and stills there, eyes closed in bliss.

“Holy shit,” he gasps. “This is absolutely the best pussy I’ve ever felt.”

You wiggle your hips as you get used to the sensation of the delicious stretch.

“Please don’t tell me how many pussies you’ve felt when you’re balls deep inside of me.”

Jungkook turns his head and kisses at your legs resting on his shoulders, lavishing them with his praise once more as he keeps his cock buried inside your tight heat.

“Yours is the only one that matters. The only pussy I’ll ever be in for the rest of my life.”

“That’s a good answer,” you smile. “Now, fuck me, lover boy.”

Jungkook winks and grips your hips with his hands. He swiftly pulls out, enamored with the way his cock is already covered in your creamy essence, then eagerly pushes back in. He sets a pace and soon the sound of skin clapping on skin echoes around the room.

“Oh god!” You’re moaning loudly, unabashedly. You’re thankful that Jungkook’s old roommate, Yoongi, moved out to live with his boyfriend Hoseok months ago. He’d definitely complain about the noise for months. “Fuck, Jungkook, you feel so good.”

Jungkook fucks into you with ferocity, speed and power gradually rising as he feels his core tighten with the coming anticipation of release.

“Mmm, you look so fucking sexy like this,” he murmurs. “Getting fucked by your best friend’s fat cock.”

He moves a hand from your hip, trails it up your body to squeeze at your breast, before he’s cupping your face once again. His hips snap against yours and he loves the way your mouth utters little squeaks and gasps with each deep thrust into you.

“God, my beautiful girl,” he groans. “Can’t wait to cum in this pussy, shit, you got me so fucking close.”

You open your mouth desperately and Jungkook easily slips his thumb in. You latch on quickly and suck, tongue swirling around the tip like you’re sucking another cock. It nearly sends him over the edge and the speed of his hips matches his desperate need for more.

“Fucking hell,” he bites back. He can feel his belly tighten, driven further and further to the edge by the constricting wetness of your cunt. 

He pulls his thumb out and moves it down to where his cock spears into you, allowing your spit to swirl with his thumb around your clit. Your core tightens around him at the added stimulation and your back arches up in ecstasy.

“I’m so c-close, Kook,” you plead, as if begging for mercy. “Please, I want to cum so bad.”

The speed of his thumb increases, and he watches as your face twists in pleasure and desperation. 

“Cum on my cock, baby, let me see you fall apart. Show me what I’ve dreamt of for so long.”

A high and wanton cry ripples out of your body as he savagely increases his speed, both his cock and thumb working overtime to drive you towards your end. The butterflies that erupt in your lower stomach make your moans louder, higher. You’re so close, closer than ever. It’s building to an incredible crescendo.

He can tell you’re close—he sees it on your face as your back arches and your fists grip his sheets.

“You look like a fucking angel, baby,” he whines as he soaks in the vision of you writhing underneath him. “I bet you cum like an angel, too. Let me see it, let me see.”

With just a few more swirls of his thumb and his deep, hard strokes, you’re soaring over the edge into a pool of nothingness. Your cunt pulsates wildly around his length, milking and stroking it with your tight walls. You throw your head back, moaning out his name at the top of his lungs, letting his neighbors know just who fucks you so well.

“Holy shit,” he gasps, hips stuttering as he fucks into your juicy hole. “That was so fucking sexy.”

You grip his forearms, holding onto him tight and encourage him to go harder. “Cum inside me, Kookie, please. I’m all yours, make me yours.”

His heart feels like it might burst in his chest. He’s always wanted you to say it to him, to hand over your love to him like he does so easily to you. It’s all so much, so overwhelming, and the feeling of your hot cunt still fluttering around him sends him reeling into his own completion. 

He spills into you, warm seed coating your walls and pooling inside your womb. He fucks himself through each throb of his cock until he’s sure he’s drained every ounce of himself into you.

Your legs slip off his shoulders easily, and he gently pulls himself out of you. He falls beside you, panting with exertion, and wraps an arm around you.

After a few silent moments of catching your breath, Jungkook pulls you in close to him until he can koala-cling to you, arms and legs both wrapped around your body.

“Mine,” he whispers as he kisses your head. “All mine.”

You return the favor, clinging to your best friend—boyfriend—like he’s your only lifeline.

“All yours.”

“So, you’re telling me, you got together because of Minecraft?” Jimin asks, pointing a fork in your direction. It’s been months now since your grand virtual declaration of love for Jungkook. Months of bliss and romance, laughter and companionship. 

You were right all along. Jungkook is everything you’ve wanted in a man and more.

You’re sitting at your brother’s expensive dinner table, enjoying a meal with his family with your boyfriend at your side.

“Yeah, Jimin, I guess that’s what I’m saying,” you retort as you roll your eyes. “Minecraft and Tinder.”

Baby Jisoo is awake and in your brother’s arms, but she’s whining and wiggling to leave him.

“What’s wrong, Soo?” Namjoon asks with a pout on his lips. “Why don’t you want daddy anymore?”

Jimin snorts at his husband and you hold out your arms for your baby niece. “Come here, baby, I know you want auntie.”

Namjoon dutifully hands over his daughter, sulking that he’s been picked over for his sister. 

You cradle the baby in your arms, expecting her to calm once she’s there, but she continues to fuss. She’s thrusting her arms out and nearly crying, reaching towards Jungkook who’s busy chowing down on Jimin’s homemade ramen.

“I think she wants you, Kook,” you murmur. He looks at you, then to the baby, then back to you, before he wipes his hands and face clean with a napkin.

“Oh, okay,” he whispers, slowly taking the baby from your arms with your help. “Hello, ma’am.”

Namjoon and Jimin laugh. “She’s a baby, Jungkook, not an elderly woman,” your brother teases.

Jungkook doesn’t listen. He’s too busy cooing at the baby in his arms and playing with her tiny hands. Namjoon turns his attention away and looks at you.

“Guess I won’t be the only provider of grandchildren for much longer.”

You playfully glare at him and turn away to watch your boyfriend. Watching Jungkook interact with your niece makes your heart swell, your soul sing. He’d be a perfect father.

“I swear, if he teaches her how to play Minecraft, he’s banned from the household,” Jimin grumbles. “This is a No-Nerd-Zone.”

Jungkook cradles the child and rocks back and forth, singing her a soft, made-up song, before he looks over at you.

“Hey, I want one of these,” he smiles. “Can we have one?”

You lay a hand on your stomach, a soft bump not quite visible yet. It’s only been one test, the lines faintly indicating ‘positive’ on the stick. You wanted to make sure, get confirmation before you spill the beans.

“Sure, Kookie.”

He grins and leans over to kiss you, before turning his attention back to the baby. “Okay, Jisoo, now let me tell you all about the Endermen.”

Jimin groans. “Oh my god, do not give Minecraft facts to my infant!”

tag list - @giadalin @nohayarcoirissintormenta @pjmislovely @xhazmania @marcoazam2 @eggbutnotyolk @feel-the-sunset @unicornbabylover @aretha170 @jeonmisha @hordanhearsawhooo 

© ppersonna - 2021 - do not repost on any site, or translate without express permission from author.

[helliontherapscallion]

Hello! Um hopefully this is ok but can you do a platonic poly relationship with tech reader and philza? And one day the reader comes over to there abode with a basket full of sweets and pastries (muffins bread ect-) also cottagecore quiet reader please she/they pronouns

Thank you! :D

(A/N): I’m back yall! Sorry I’ve been gone (in terms of writing/request doing) for so long, I just kinda lost motivation to write for a bit

Ok so you’re childhood best friends with Technoblade

You two met when you accidentally bumped into each other in the village by the sbi fam’s house

You were calmly along the cobblestone path when a cute dress in a store window caught your eye. You kept walking, but you were eyeing the dress as you walked by it. It was just your aesthetic: a vintage ruby red dress with laces tying the two sides together, a floused opening to the bottom of the dress, and puffy white sleeves. It looked like it was in your size too. It was absolutely perfect.

Just as you were about to walk into the store to check out the price, you bumped into someone and fell to the ground behind you. Looking up, you saw that the person that you bumped into was also on the ground looking at you. You saw that the boy was about your age with fair skin and long pastel pink hair tied into a messy ponytail. Peculiarly, he had small tusks poking out from his bottom lip, floppy pig ears on the top of his head, and crimson eyes. A piglin hybrid perhaps?

Feeling a small blush work it’s way onto your face, you quickly got up and held out a hand to the boy. “I am so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going! Are you okay? Here, let me help you up.” 

He looked at your hand for a bit before he grabbed it with his own and allowed you to haul him up to his feet. You looked him up and down scanning him for any injuries he might’ve gotten from the fall. Luckily, it didn’t look like he got hurt. The boy looked down at his feet and bent over to pick up the picnic basket and the few muffins that dropped out of it. Putting the muffins back in, he handed the basket back to you with a small smile and a blush of his own.

“It’s really no problem, I’m fine so it’s no harm done. Actually,” he chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck, “I wasn’t looking where I was going either. I got distracted by that sword in the window.” He pointed with a thumb over his shoulder at the armory shop next to the dress shop. In the window was a shining golden sword glimmering in the bright sunlight. If you squinted, you could see a sign that said that it had a high level fire aspect and looting enchantments. 

“Well, it looks really pretty. I don’t know much about swords, so maybe you could tell me about them? I’m (y/n),” you gave him a small smile and stuck out your hand once more. He shook it with a grin, “Technoblade.”

That was the start of a beautiful friendship with him and his family

You met Philza, his father

The avian was extremely excited and happy that his quietest son finally made a new friend

He treated you like you were his own daughter

You might as well be a part of the family with how much you came over to babysit Tommy or to just relax with Techno

You always bring over a basket of baked treats/pastries whenever you came over

Lemme just say, the family feasted and always fought over the last one

When you started to come over at least once a day for a bit with a basket full of sweets, Philza had to pull you aside and ask you to slow down a bit with the treats

“Hey (y/n) could I actually talk to you for a second?”

“Sure! Tech, I’ll be out in a sec.” The piglin hybrid curtly nodded and walked out the back door to the backyard. You smiled at Philza before you set the basket down onto the table and started to put the rolls onto a plate.

“I know it’s not much today, I didn’t have much time yesterday to bake.”

“That’s fine, but it’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?” Internally, you began to panic slightly. Oh Ender, you didn’t do anything bad did you? You couldn’t think of anything you did wrong. In fact, you actively avoided any wrongdoing or talking to strangers. Oh no, were you accidentally rude to someone?

“You aren’t in trouble,” he smiled lightly when he saw you slump in relief, “I was just wondering why you always bring over baked things. Don’t get me wrong, they’re delicious and we really appreciate that you take the time to make us things, but we kinda have a little too much. Maybe slow down a bit with bringing them over?”

You felt an embarrassed blush spread across your face as you nodded and put all your focus into transferring the bread rolls over to the plate. “Sorry Phil, I just bake whenever I’m stressed or bored and I just have a lot left over after I give some to my family.”

“And that’s completely valid! Just maybe don’t bring over so much, breaking up the fights with Tommy, Wil, and Tech just gets a bit much at times,” he grinned and clapped a hand over your shoulder.

As the years passed, you and Techno only grew closer

You taught Techno how to do meticulous neat braids in his hair while in turn he taught you some self defense

Mans makes sure you can properly and efficiently wield a sword and shoot a bow and arrow 

Poor guy can’t lose another friend

When he moves to the tundra, he invites you to live with him but you reluctantly refuse

You had Tommy and Wilbur to look after in L’manberg

Being pissed at Schlatt when he exiles them

Following them into exile leaving behind shocked Manbergians 

They didn’t think you were capable of the screaming, let alone such profanity

Practically launching yourself at Techno when he agrees to helping Pogtopia

Him making sure that the withers don’t harm you, even going as far as hitting them and luring them away from you

Staying with Techno after L’manberg is reinstated under Tubbo’s rule

Starting to dislike leadership and governments in general after Tommy gets exiled (again)

Convincing Technoblade to let Tommy stay with you two

Absolutely hating governments when the Butcher Army places Philza under house arrest and rolls up to your guys’ house and takes Techno and Carl

They lock you in the house, but you pick the lock with the bobby pin you kept the bandana pinned to your hair with 

You follow them to L’manberg and break down when you see the anvils crashing down onto Techno

Screaming profanities at the Butcher Army and taking out your sword to attack them not noticing when Techno runs away safely

Philza watching everything from the balcony and cheering you on

You almost take away one of Fundy’s (whom you considered to be your nephew until the whole Butcher Army incident) lives before you feel a sword slice your arm and an arrow shooting its way through your thigh

Turning, you gave Tubbo and Ranboo the fiercest glare you could as you were standing over a half-dead Fundy with a sword dripping blood hanging at your side

You, the soft spoken and sweet one that gave everybody baked goods wherever you went, screaming profanities at the festival and the execution was scary enough, but this?

Absolute nightmare fuel, gonna stick in their minds for a long time

You attempt to fight them but you lose and end up with injuries too severe for you to continue fighting

Philza being the one to yell at you to go home to the tundra telling you that Techno’s alive bc of a totem of undying 

You felt kinda stupid after that, Technoblade never dies (you often half joked that he was immortal like Philza)

You limp home and get met with a bone crushing uncharacteristic hug from Techno

He patches you up after reassuring you that the blood on him wasn’t his (he tells you about the duel in great detail)

In turn you tell him about your 3 v 1 duel, feeling a bit dejected bc you ended up losing

Him being literally so proud of you for facing 3 people at once, but also scolding you slightly for going into it blindly

When Philza moves in, everything feels complete and fulfilled (at least to you)

You help Philza clean and dress his damaged wing

Also helping him do some physical therapy so that he could at least move it

Comforting him whenever he felt down about not being able to fly again

You invite him and Techno to cook with you and it surprisingly ends up better than you expected it to be

When Tommy betrays Techno, you and Philza end up being the only ones he could fully trust (later slowly adding Niki and Ranboo to the mix when The Syndicate is formed)

You are Harpocrates when The Syndicate is formed due to your quiet nature

Philza and Techno fully 100% supporting your decision of not wanting to reveal your identity

At the second meeting you show up with a full mask covering your face and the opposite of what you normally wore (more of a grunge type beat)

Only communicating in nods and writing at meetings, living up to your nickname

You never reveal your identity to Niki or Ranboo

Pleasant late night conversations around the fire with hot chocolate and your baked goods

Techno still lets you braid his hair (sometimes you even put flowers in it) from time to time

You braid Philza’s hair when it gets too long

Braid chains when yall get too bored? Hell yeah 

Ultimately, you three become a strong family unit (goals)

General taglist (comment if you want to be added):

@crybabyjabby  @izzybobizzy13  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @bunnyz-pxstel  @averytiredfanfictionwriter  @dcml04  @sparkling-gayyyy  @bbigbbrainn  @thaticecreambish  @kiinokochii  @satansphatass  @bxkubitch  @bxmentchildxx  @roxy3457  @montygator17  @feverish-dove  @the-fictionwriters-hairdo  @jichuuchaeng  @404rynnotfound  @luluwinchester  @laura--444  @the-cult-classic-bitch  @youngstarfishdinosaur

[technowoah]

if you're taking asks for the prompts, can you do 11 and 17 from the angst list with george but have a fluffy ending? she/her pronouns pls

I Can Make It Right

SHSJS I HAVE SO MUCH ANGST IN MY INBOX YALL!

Thanks for the request babe! The way it came out was gender neutral i dont think I user she/her, but it still works trust me!

George x reader imagine (established)

11) "It's not important apparently"

17) "You already made me feel like shit so might as well finish me off"

⚠︎ angst with happy ending, unresolved issue but they're gonna fix it dont worry 😌, angry George, swearing

*** = flashback

Masterlist

You had stood infront of your bathroom mirror finishing up your makeup for the night. Your hair was already done and you had a nice outfit on, not to fancy and not too comfortable. While listening to a playlist George had made for you, you had put down the brushes you were using. It didnt really matter if you cleaned up your makeup that was littered all over the sink right now, but right now you were feeling good.

Today was your and George's 3rd year anniversary and you couldn't be happier about it. Today you two were going to dinner and doing something else which was supposed to be a surprise for you. It was a night on the town.

George and you met 4 years ago actually. You two started out as acquaintances, the slowly grew into friends and then one day he asked you to join him to dinner. At first you were oblivious to his actions, thinking he was just being a good friend, but turns out the more dates you two went on the more you caught on. He officially asked you to be his girlfriend 3 years ago today.

His friends keep on pressuring George to propose already, they think it's been long enough. The only thing close to marriage is a promise ring. He put the ring on your finger as a promise that one day he would marry you, everytime you doubt that he will propose you turn your attention to the cute ring on your finger.

You had turned off the bedroom lights and sat on your bed finally relaxing after struggling to find a decent enough outfit for tonight. George said that he was going to pick you up around 6:00 and now it is 5:47 so you had some time to spare.

You had found yourself scrolling through tiktok because you had nothing else better to do at this moment. It was a guilty pleasure of yours even though you and george both joked around about hating tiktok.

Time began to tick away so you had checked the clock on your phone which said 5:57 pm. You had grabbed shoes that you set up against your bed, slipped them on and grabbed all of your belongings for the night. You stationed yourself in the living room waiting till George came to the door.

Nervousness always came up before a date, it was the anticipation actually. You were excited and nervous about the date as you always were, but today for you was special. It was three years worth of beautiful love. You remembered the time he first said I love you too, it was just like it was yesterday.

***

"Hey y/n." George looked towards you. You both were sitting on a plaid, plush blanket with a brown woven basket ontop in between you two. It was just like the movies and that why you cringed because of how cheesy it was when George led you to it.

It was sweet, it was extremely sweet and you loved these dates that George always brung you too. You always felt special when you are sitting next to him.

You responded to George. "Yeah Gogy?" You laughed at the use of his nickname.

"Im trying to be serious right now and you call me Gogy." George smiled and shook his head. "Anyways, you know I love you, right?"

"Of course I do-"

"No I love you. I mean. I'm in love with you." George reached to rest his hand ontop of yours and repeated himself. "I'm in live with you y/n."

You wasted no time answering. "Im in love with you too."

***

6:03

George didnt show up yet, but there was no sweat. He was only 3 minutes late, maybe he ran into traffick. Your stomach was rumbling, but you didnt want to eat yet since you two we're planning to go to dinner. Patience is key, and it wasnt like he wasn't late before.

6:10

You started to get worried, it's been 10 minutes and still no sign of your boyfriend. You had gotton up several times to check outside of your door only to be met with no one. Your mind was jumping to conclusions about if he forgot your anniversary, but you shut those thoughts out for the time being.

6:19

Okay this is getting out of hand. You brung out our phone and began to text George, you couldn't believe that you had waited this long before texting the man.

Where are you? Ive been waiting for 29 minutes?!

[Sent: 6:20pm]

George what are you doing?

[Sent: 6:20pm]

You awaited his text message with your phone faced up on the coffee table infront of you. You didn't want to believe that George woukd forget, or overslept, but that was becoming truth the more minutes passed by with no call or text.

6:30

Calling him was useless, because he didn't answer. He didn't hang up on you he just wasn't picking up the phone, like he turned it off. You started to get worried if something happened to him, if he was in a situation where he couldn't call or text you. You wondered if he was safe at home and not out in the middle of the street.

In a flash all your worries subsided when your phone lit up with a notification.

ThisIsNotGeorgeNotFound is live:

Im Playing golf with my friends

That son of a bitch. Pissed off was an understatement, you were fuming. How could he end up streaming at home when you had constantly reminded him about this day, he knew damn well about this day too. How could he?

You ended up grabbing a jacket and your purse and ended up driving to George's place. It seemed like he was mocking you in a way, he knew you had notifications on for Twitch. You loved to support him and his career, but this was making a fool out of yourself.

Your hand tightly gripped the steering wheel as you tried not to run every red light you cane across. You finally came across George's home, you found a place to park and quickly got out of your car and sped walked your way to George's residence. Finally making up to George's door you knocked harshly on the door probably making more noise than what you intended too. You continuously banged on his door until you got fed up.

Remembering that George had given you a key to his house you dig through your purse to get your set of keys out anr unlock his door. You stomped inside his house and closed the door behind you.

"GEORGE! GEORGE!" You yelled through the house. You were being reckless and annoying, but you didnt care at this point you were fuming and needed to tell George how you feel.

You had made your way to George's recording room where he was talking to his friends on discord. George looked towards you in shock clearly not hearing the sounds you were making throughout his house.

"Y/N?!" George yelled and muted his microphone.

"What the hell are you doing?" You exclaimed back.

"Im streaming thats what Im doing!" George sassed back at you, not paying attention to his screen and the chat.

"Dont get smart with me. End the stream."

"What?! No!"

"You heard me, we need to talk." You crossed your arms across your chest. Your heart was beating too fast for your liking and you tried to calm yourself down, but George's comments were getting to you.

George was about to unmute himself and get back to the game. "No we dont-"

"GEORGE END THE FUCKING STREAM! This is embarrassing! Talk to me cause you have some explaining to do." You snapped at him.

A silence tell upon you two and he glared at you before turning to his stream and closing it out.

"Okay guys! Go watch the other boys streams I need to go now! Bye!" George quickly ended and turned off everything.

He turned around to you still sitting in his chair. "What? What do you want?"

"Do you know what today is?" You asked.

"April 30th." George answered bluntly.

"Thats all you have to say?" You asked in shock. "It's our anniversary dickhead!"

"I fucking know that." George said.

"You do? So why did you start streaming and we had dinner plans?!"

"I told you we were streaming! You weren't listening to me!" George stood up from his chair when he said that.

"When the fuck did you tell me this?!"

"A couple days ago! You didn't listen!"

"But you knew that was our anniversary! And we made dinnerr plans-"

George yelled over you. "A month ago! We made those plans a month ago so excuse me for forgetting!"

"So all these other years you remembered our anniversary and went out of your fucking way to cancel other plans around that date, but today you didnt because why?!" Tears were threatening to fall down you cheeks, but you wouldnt let him see you like that.

"Because I planned this already with the boys! And AGAIN you werent listening to me when I said that-"

"There were several other times that you could've told me too! But you didn't!" You sniffed trying to keep the frustrated tears inside.

"I already planned this and I cant go back on my promise-"

"But you can with me?!" You yelled and George stopped talking. He's just studying your face at this point and you hated this silence.

"Its not important apparently." You said while walking out of the recording room.

"You're being a bitch." He mumbled.

"Excuse me?! That is so disrespectful!" You spun around yelled at him.

"You already made me feel like shit so might as well finish me off." George said in a annoying tone.

"Yeah you should feel like shit! I feel like shit too so-!" You threw your hands up in exasperation and stormed out the room. You had made it to the door before George called out to you again.

"Y/n! Y/n! Please!"

"No! Just..." You paused before opening the door and ushering your way out. "Call me when you get your shit together.

You were currently curled up on your couch eating leftovers that you had in the refrigerator. That had satisfied your hunger for the night because the dinner was canceled that night. Your anger and sadness had subsided and you were only left with an unusual feeling in your heart. Your relationship felt incomplete, this fight felt incomplete. You didnt break up with him, but you were waiting for closure.

The TV was the only light in the room. It illuminated what it wanted to, you didnt care if it was too dark. Usually you would be cuddled up with George at this ungoldy hour, but you weren't and that made you tear up.

Your sadness was still there, your anger towards George turned into pity. You were sad about the actions he took, but somewhere in your heart you could forgive him. You could forgive and move on if he would come to you.

Speaking of, you had a knock on your door. You didn't have the strength to get up, but you did. Shuffling your way to the door you sluggishly opened it to find George standing there with his hands in his hoodie. The person you wanted to see, but at the same time you wanted to slam that door in his face.

"Hey." George spoke and you gave him a small smile, nothing more.

You turned around to find your seat back on the couch where you were comfortable, but also giving him a silent invitation to come inside. You had sat down on the couch not paying attention to George, but you knew he closed the door, took off his shoes by yours, and put his keys on the table by the door like he always did. It was like a routine to him.

George ended up awkwardly standing beside the couch as you ignored him.

"You know, if you didnt open the door I would've used my keys like you did." George tried to spark up a conversation, but you only hummed in response. You were scared that if you spoke, you would cry.

George ended up making his way to the couch sitting beside you and pulling you into his embrace. Your head was on his chest and you began to sob. You missed this it's only been a few hours, but you had felt that in those few hours you had lost everything. You continued to sob into his hoodie as he rubbed your back and shushed you, whispering sweet nothings into the air only for you to hear.

"Im here, and Im sorry. Im so fucking sorry that I did this to you and I only hope that you can forgive me." George said, his voice cracking a little when he said that. You kept crying.

That's what you wanted to hear all along, that's what you needed. You could forgive him in due time, you always will because you love him, you will always love him. You both can always make it right.

[twstedtales]

Athy's Year End Appreciation Post!

Hello, everyone! First of all, happy new year to all of you! I know I'm not very much active in Tumblr nowadays because of personal stuff at home but rest assured that I will pick up whatever writing I had left off, haha 😅😂 the previous year I spent with everyone was a total blast! And I love interacting and spending time with everyone else, including my anons (I DIDN'T FORGET YALL I PROMISE, YOU ALL ARE SO SWEET 💖), my moots and my lovely followers. 

I know I'm not the best with interacting and that is on me lol, but I wanted you to know that everything you do in my blog (whether it was liking, reblogging, commenting, asking or whatever!) are always appreciated! Even those who goes to my dms and talk to me (i love it when you talk to me i swear!) were all makes me smol heart goes uwu uwu 😭😂 

individual comments and appreciation utc bc its too long 😭😂💦

For my lovely @chervill whom I really consider as my online best friend and wifey, I can't thank you enough with how much you put up with my shit and clownery 😭 be it on discord or here, rest assured that you are most appreciated to me and all of your support and love! 💞 you were the first one to approach me when i said i needed friends in this community and you were extra special because of that xD and I can still remember the first time we talk LMAO that was so freaking awkward HELP 💀💀 but in all honesty, ilysm friend 💞

For my lovely grandma (/j) @eirasummers I know were both awkward beans but I am always happy whenever we talk💖💖 like, you were so supportive and great person how tf are u real 😭😭😭 you were that one responsible and caring adult that look out for the smol potats and whenever you remind us to take care of ourselves, it always makes my heart warm and fuzzy 😫😭😳 ilysm i hope you continue to prosper more in the future! 💖

For the cute and funny @pancaketachi who always been there to greet me whenever i went to a sudden hiatus, bb you were always loved by us, don't forget! 💖 we always appreciate your support, hornii (ehe), and your art are always great! Don't mind what other people says, but to us, you are a great artist and a friend 💞 ilysm i wished you the best and happy new year ahead!

For the talented and nice @rozengrotto who was the biggest azul kinnie I know, you are most talented and your art always uplift my spirits! 💓 I still haven't talk to you about the date I promise /j but...uh, soon? 😂😭 anyhow, you were always so nice and a pleasant to talk to! I hope we can be more friends (is that even a word?!) in the future and hope you more azul to come ehehe!

For the lovely @anise05 who always rebblogged and support my works omg, I can't put into words how much it warms my heart whenever you appear in my notifs and I always appreciate the asks you sent and it makes me happy and my stay here worthwile 💞 I hope we can talk more in the future 💖

For the talented @missbonekitty andreaaaa i admire your art so please don't stop doing what you love (including torturing ur children?!) please remember that you are always appreciated and loved by many people, presence and all! I hope you a happy year ahead of you <3

For the cute @tisafinedayforsimping the biggest jade simp i know?! I'm entrusting that shady eel to you since he doesnt like me at all 😭 but i know that he was always in the good hands with you ehehehe 💞 ilysm and please continue what you loved to do the most! (aka simping and drawing jade) you were doing great sweetie! 💞💞

For @kirayamidemon kiraaa i love how energetic and hyper you were in discord and you were not the one to shy away in doing what you want and for that, i had admire you and love u 😭💞💞 please dont sat that ur art is not enough, bc i assure you, your art is always god-like! And your support too, we appreciate you keysmashing and all 😌😂💖

For the nicest and lovely @thewitchofbooks nadia chaaaannnn i know im so stupid bc im not that active on our discord anymore 😭😭 but really, i appreciate how understanding you are and tolerating me (???) ilysm and thank you for being there for me and supporting me all the way until now! I don't know whats up anymore but know that I'm always be here for you whenever you need me <3

For the talented @chibichibisha shaaaaa i love all your ocs (esp nahal!!! i havent forgot him aha 😭😂😂) and keep up the great work! We all love you and i hope you the best new year ahead!

For the talented Kokone (HELP I DONT KNOW UR TUMBLR??? 😭😭😭) i know we dont talk much but I always appreciate and admire your art and our little talks in the server 💞 i hope you know you are loved ehehehe.

And for the lovely @hanafubukki i know i haven't replied to your message (im sorry i swear im gonna go online soon! 😭😭) and we just met like...a month ago but know that your posts, tags to me, messages and all are making me happy! You were always so supportive and fun to talk to, so please continue to do what you loved! 💖

For the mature and lovely @bakujho who was prolly the biggest floyd haver i know 🤔🤭 I always enjoyed talking to you (tho i admit im slightly intimidated aksksks) and holy shit yess ofc, your art are always greaaat! I still remember how we bond together with our salt over halloween jade and for me, thats prolly the biggest turn in our relationship(?) hahahahaha it was just so funny how the mfker dodged the two of us yet in the end, we manage to drag him by the ankles at least! ily and i hope you continue what you loved to do the most! 💞💞

For my most talented moots/friends(?) i think @nanamisflowerfield @honeytreydepressopresso @hettyoon @corvus-mellorii @drac0nia @halloweenismyfav (HELP LMK IF I FORGOT SOMEONE I SWEAR I HAVE A SNAIL BRAIN AND DIDNT MEANT TO LEAVE YOU OUT SSHWJWJ) and to all my anons and followers, ILY ALL SM AND DONT FORGOT THAT I ALWAYS APPRECIATE YOU ALL (pls come talk to me if u want hahaha i dont bite really ejshw) AND CARE FOR YOU. ILL ALWAYS BE HERE IF U WANT ANYONE TO LISTEN AND VENT TO HEHEHE.

iLYSM AND I HOPE THIS YEAR WILL BE MORE PROSPEROUS AND HAPPY TO YOU ALL 💞💞💞

the milestone event i talked about a week ago will be posted next week (finally?!)

- Athy <3

[samanthadalton]

Star Crossed Lovers (part 14)

Do my eyes deceive me???? part 14???? we did it. im so sorry its taken forever, i will try my best to be more consistent with my writing. love yall for being patient with me it means the most. thank you, thank you. 

warnings: throughout this fic there will be mentions of substance abuse, homophobia, sexual abuse, violence, NSFW, mentions of abandonment, depression and death including suicide

reader discretion is advised

warnings: angst, swearing (lots of it) 

taglist: @drmmyrs @cloud9in @somewillwin @save-me-the-last-dance @baexpoppy @stanzoeywade @ognenniyvolk @thepotatobleh @crazzyplays @fall3ngods @helpconfusedpersonhere @clowneryme @dopeyouth @boys-girls-i-cant-help-it-baby @vonda-b-real @uselesslesbianfr @veenast @cloakanddaggerthings @somethindarker (sorry again if ive missed anyone, if you wanna be added on this taglist or my general one just let me know 😊) 

word count: 4k (i feel like its short considering how long it took me to write but i still hope you guys enjoy) (also i didnt check for grammatical errors properly so sorry if you find any) 

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8 part 9 part 10 part 11 part 12 part 13

The first steps to moving on 

“Bea please,” Poppy whispers, a repentant look creeping up to her face as she looks away from her girlfriend. “It can’t wait.” 

Bea sighs, her shoulders slumping as the last remains of her anger disseminates from her body. “Okay fine, lead the way babe.” 

Poppy stiffens that the pet name but she doesn’t let her awkwardness slip as she leads Bea to a secluded classroom, far away from prying eyes. Both her and Bea turn to look at each other, and both simultaneously open their mouths to talk. 

“I know you wanted to tell-” 

“We need to talk-” 

Both clamp their lips shut, a mutual smile playing on their lips as they look at one another. 

“You go first,” Poppy gestures towards Bea, as she moves to sit on the edge of a desk. 

Bea inhales softly, her tongue darts out licking her lips as she looks down at the ground, her face calculating. “Why does Chloe hate me?” She looks up to Poppy, her eyes boring into the strawberry blonde’s, sadness swimming inside of them, “I just don’t get what I’ve done for her to hate me.” 

Poppy sighs heavily, her eyes awkwardly darting away from Bea’s. “It’s complicated Bea.” 

“Complicated?” Bea lets out a humourless laugh, “I almost just went off on Chloe after she gave her condolences for my mom dying because I just felt she wasn’t genuine and you wanna tell me it's complicated?” 

Poppy sharply inhales, contemplating for a few moments before saying, “it’s because of your mom.” 

Bea scrunches her brows up in confusion, “my mom? What the hell does she have to do with this?” 

Poppy ineptly plays with her hands, not being able to look Bea in her eyes, “at first it was just a classist thing. When you first came to Belvoire, she just wanted to make herself feel superior over you, but in the last year you’ve noticed her getting more mean right?” 

“Right.” Bea stares at Poppy, her expression emotionless. 

“Chloe’s parents have been fighting non stop recently, and it’s been affecting her a lot.” 

Bea’s brows furrow in confusion, “what does that have to do with me or my mom?” 

“Just let me explain first before you react, please.” Bea’s eyes bore into Poppy’s for a few seconds before she nods understandingly. “Her dad cheated on her mom. A lot of times actually. But he was blackmailed by one of the women he slept with.” Poppy pauses for a few seconds, “your mom.” 

Bea lets out a shaky breath, her eyes blinking in disbelief, “no, you’re lying.” 

Poppy nervously bites her bottom lip, “look Bea-” 

“How long have you known?”

Poppy’s face scrunches up in anger, “this isn’t my fault Bea. I only found out that day I went to talk to Chloe about us. Chloe made me promise not to say anything to you-” 

“Poppy! My mom OD and I don’t even know why. And now you’re telling me she was blackmailing the St James family and it doesn’t occur to you that might have had something to do with her death?” 

“They’re not the fucking mafia Bea, jesus. They were trying to settle it quietly by giving your mom some money and make her sign some stuff so she couldn't threaten them anymore.” 

The devastating ramification of Poppy’s admission hangs in the air as the two girls let the words settle into them. “Chloe really is sorry about your mom Bea, we all are.” 

Bea sighs, staring off into space, as a few tears begin to fill up in her eyes. “I just don’t know what to do.” Bea begins sniffling, but Poppy makes no movement to console her girlfriend. Bea notices and her expression sobers, “so, uh what did you wanna tell me?” Bea sniffs a few more times, before looking up at Poppy, giving her a small encouraging smile. 

Poppy looks away, guilt creeping up on her face, as she tries her damndest not to catch Bea’s small smile on her face. “Bea…”. Bea carefully assesses her girlfriend’s demeanour, noticing the similar body language during when they first asked to take a break, she thinks back to the last couple of days, she had barely heard from her girlfriend, and now she’s not affectionate, even after she almost had a mental breakdown in the middle of the hallway and her smile drops. “We have to break up,” Poppy says, her tone so monotone and dry as if she didn’t mean the words she was saying at all. 

“I don’t understand,” is all Bea can muster, evidently hurt by Poppy’s admission. Poppy winces slightly at Bea’s tone, finally breaking her robotic demeanour as she lets out a few sniffles. “So is that it? We have to break up,” Bea retorts mockingly, “is that all I get after all these years?” 

“Bea..” Poppy reaches out but Bea immediately takes a step back, tears flooding in her eyes. 

“No,” she holds her hands up, “I don’t get it, things are going good, or at least whatever twisted definition of good we’ve made up. Where the hell did this come from?” 

“Bea my dad-” 

“Of course! Hayden Min fucking Sinclair had something to do with this. Why do you still live under his shadow? You talk all this shit about breaking out of your father’s prison and wanting to achieve your own goals but he sucks you back in.” 

“That’s not fair Bea,” Poppy interjects, balling her hands up into fists in an attempt to subdue her trembling, “my dad has given me so much and he’s threatening to take it all away.” 

“Yeah, all you have to do is get rid of me. Me or the Min Sinclair name.” 

“Bea this is the life I have, okay I’m not like you, I’m not built like you.” 

“So what? I can grow up without a dad and now without a mom but it’s okay because I’m used to pain and disappointment?” 

“I didn’t mean it like that, you have a plan, things you can achieve, I need the Min Sinclair name, I’m nothing without it.” 

“Wow.” Bea shakes her head, “So I just meant nothing?” Bea wildy throws her arms in the air, anger bubbling under the surface of her demeanour. “We’ve practically been together since we were kids. And you’re just gonna fucking throw that away? And for what? Fuck you Poppy.” 

Poppy takes half a step back, dumbfounded by Bea’s outburst. She scrunches her brows, evidently hurt, “you don’t get it Bea. Even though your mom wasn’t the best, she still supported you, even if you didn’t know about it. My dad he- my mom what would she think?” 

“Your mom? Poppy what kind of shit is your dad brainwashing you with? Your mom is dead! You have no idea how she would react to having a gay daughter, but I know she’s probably disappointed in you.” 

“Fuck you Bea.”Poppy runs out of the classroom, tears streaming down her face, leaving Bea on her own. 

“Shit,” Bea whispers to herself before throwing a bunch of punches at the wall, each more cathartic than the last until she can’t physically hold herself up anymore. Bea defeatedly slides into a chair, cradling her head in between her hands, letting the tears free fall, as reality begins setting in that she lost the one thing in the world that was her everything. Poppy Min Sinclair was her rock, the girl who she gave her heart to, the love of her life and just in a matter of moments it was over. Maybe it was too good to be true. The beautiful, perky popular rich girl and the girl who had almost nothing, complete polar opposites, it never should’ve worked. But time and time again when faced against the world they persevered so why was this time different? Poppy had chosen her namesake over the love of her life. She chose the life of glitz and glamour over the girl who gave her her entire heart. Bea feels her entire world crashing down, how much more heartbreak could she take? Was her life always going to be so hard? So full of hurt? Full of pain? She winces at the thought, her head hammering as she comes to the realisation that she understood her mother’s pain more than she thought. 

…. 

Bea hops off her bike, parking it in front of her house, as she pulls her phone out to look at the time. ‘It’s lunch time,’ she thinks to herself. After the day she had today, school wasn’t the best option for her right now. She makes her way to her front door but stops in her tracks when she realises her front door is slightly ajar. Her survival instincts kick in as she effortlessly pulls out her pocket knife, carefully pushing the door fully open. As she steps into the living room, her eyes dart to the closed door of her mother’s room, but when she hears a creaking sound coming towards her bedroom, she cautiously moves towards the source of the noise, the grip on her knife tightening. As she creeps up, she sees the door of her room half opened, a hooded figure standing by her bed with their back facing her. 

Bea stealthily sneaks up to the figure placing the knife a few inches from their throat before lowering her voice to a threatening tone, “who are you and what the fuck are you doing?” The figure gasps, dropping a bag that’s in their hands with a deafening thud before raising their hands in a sign of surrender. 

“It’s me, it’s me,” the voice whimpers out. 

“AJ?” Bea raises her eyebrows, retracting the knife from his throat while pulling down his hood with her other hand. “What the fuck are you doing?” Bea takes a step back while AJ scrambles grabbing the bag he just dropped moments before. When he turns to face Bea, his eyes are wide, filled with fear as he clutches the bag closely to his chest. 

“I have to go,” he says as he attempts to run out of the room, but Bea pulls him back, her face crumpled in suspicion. 

“No we’re not doing this, give me the bag now,” Bea snatches the bag out of his hands before he can protest and opens the zipper to find it filled with cash. She grits her teeth, anger settling into her features as she whips her head up to AJ, “is this my fucking money?” 

“Bea, I- I can explain-” 

“What the fuck AJ!” Bea throws the bag onto the bed, the cash spilling out as she jabs an accusing finger at AJ’s chest. “You’re stealing from me now? I haven’t seen you in god knows how long, you don’t call, text nothing. Even after everything that’s been happening in the last few weeks but you have the audacity to fucking steal from me? Money that I’ve spent years saving? Money that I’ve bussed my fucking ass off for, are you serious right now?” Bea’s voice is filled with rage as she’s practically screaming, her voice now thundering. AJ winces, guiltily averting his gaze to the ground, unable to meet Bea’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry about your mom Bea, I wanted to visit-” AJ croaks out.

“But you didn’t,” Bea interjects, her voice lowered but filled with hurt. “And now you’re taking money- I mean what is so important you had to steal from me.” 

AJ paces towards the bed, hanging his head in shame, when he speaks his voice is quiet, full of fear, “I’m in some bad shit Bea. These guys aren’t playing around.” 

“I told you not to fall into the wrong crowd, I warned you this shit would happen.” 

“Bea please, I’ll pay you back I just need it.” 

“No! What the fuck, when will you pay me back huh? This is my college money, I’m not letting you give that away to your crackhead friends.” 

“Bea please,” AJ clasps his hands together, his tone pleading, “I don’t know what to do.” 

“AJ I have too much shit on my plate right now, I can’t deal with this. You need to find something else, I can’t help you.” 

AJ’s face pales but he stands up, and makes his way towards the door, before leaving he turns to look back at Bea, “I’m sorry about everything.” 

Bea keeps her eyes trained on her bed where the money is sprawled all over the mattress, “yeah me too,” she replies quietly. Bea hears the front door close and she collapses to the ground, letting the tears flow. 

……

A few days later, Bea sits in her dark living room, curtains shut and lights completely off as she wallows in her sadness, drinking from a bottle of cheap beer, as she stares absentmindedly at the ceiling, so drowned in her thoughts she doesn’t hear the resounding knocks on her door until she hears a voice call out, “Bea! Are you there?” 

Bea crumples her brows, forcing herself to stand as she makes her way to the door, she wearily makes her way to her front door only slightly opening the door before poking her head out. “Veronica?” Veronica gives the girl a wide smile before pushing the door more open, ushering the figure behind her into the house too, “Carter? What are you guys doing here?’ 

Veronica looks around the dark room, noticing the pile of empty beer bottles on the floor, “yikes, drinking on your own on a friday night Hughes? That’s really sad.” Carter stands near the edge of the living room, as if he’s an explorer, his eyes darting all over the living room as he assesses this new environment. 

Bea on the other hand scowls at Veronica, “what the hell do you want Veronica, I’m not in the mood.” 

Veronica frowns slightly, pouting her lips together, “we heard about you and Poppy.” 

Bea rolls her eyes, “yeah well I’m trying to forget about her.” Bea picks up her beer bottle from the ground and makes a show by exaggeratingly drinking from the bottle until it's empty. She discards the empty bottle along with the other ones before turning to look at Veronica and Carter, “so if you’ll excuse me.” 

Veronica steps towards Bea, wrapping her hand around the brunette’s arm, “we’re not here for Poppy stupid, we’re here for you.” 

Bea raises an eyebrow, “for me?” 

Veronica turns to look at Carter, beckoning him forward, Carter breaks out of reverie and clears his throat, “yeah uh, we wanted to take you to a party.” 

“A party?” Bea looks between them confused, “I’m not that interested guys.”

“Wait, wait, wait Bea,” Veronica pleads, pulling Bea closer to her, “you’ve never been to a Belvoire party and the year is almost over, we thought we should take you to at least.” 

“I don’t know guys,” Bea says skeptically, “a lot of people don’t like me.” 

“Who gives a shit? You just had your heart broken and you need to let loose.” 

Bea sighs, pulling away from Veronica, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

“Come on, it beats drinking in the dark on your own.” 

Bea sighs, dropping her shoulders, “what about uh Poppy?” 

“Poppy?” Veronica arches a brow, “her and Chloe are staying in tonight, she said she needed to catch up on homework or something.” 

Bea purses her lips together in thought before sighing,  “fine.” Veronica cheers, “but,” Bea over enunciates, “only for a few hours and if I don’t like it I’m going home.” 

“Okay, deal,” Veronica squeals, wrapping Bea in a big hug. Carter chuckles as Veronica gestures for him to join the hug, he awkwardly wraps his arms around the two girls, before pulling away. 

“Okay, I’ll wait in the car while you girls get ready. Just uh don’t take too long.”

Veronica playfully rolls her eyes as she Bea towards her bedroom, yelling back “thanks Carter.” Giddy, she rushes to Bea’s closest, assessing her clothes until she finds a short red dress hidden in the back. “This!” 

“No, no, no,” Bea shakes her head, pulling the dress out of the ombre-haired girl’s hands. 

“Why not? It would look so hot on you,” Veronica’s eyes trail down Bea’s body, as she sharply inhales. “Bea, you’re single and sexy, stop holding yourself back okay?” 

“I’m not,” Bea pushes back defensively, “I just-” she sighs heavily, “no one at Belvoire has ever seen me dressed up, I’m just- I’m nervous I guess.” 

“Then we have to show them what they’ve been missing for the last three years,” Veronica gives Bea a devilish smile as she takes the dress from Bea’s hands, sliding the dress off the hanger before handing it over to Bea. 

“Uh you gonna stay in the room?” Bea nervously wrings her hands together. 

“Why, are you offering a show?” Veronica lifts a teasing brow, noticing Bea’s cheeks redden slightly, which prompts her to let out a small laugh, “I’m kidding, don’t worry I won’t look.” Veronica makes a show of raising her hands to cover her eyes. Bea laughs as she slips out of her clothes and into the dress, she awkwardly clears her throat, grabbing Veronica’s attention. 

“Hey, uh help a girl out with her zipper?” 

“Sure,” Veronica moves to stand behind Bea, her hands ghosting around Bea’s exposed back, her breath momentarily taken away. She sturdies herself and places one of her hands on the small of the brunette’s back while the other moves towards the zipper, zipping the girl up. Bea smooths the dress down with her hands appreciating herself in the mirror, “you look gorgeous,” Veronica whispers into the shell of her ear. 

Bea’s face completely flushes red and slightly jerks at Veronica’s admission, “uhh thanks.” 

Veronica notices the awkward shift in the atmosphere, and promptly changes the subject, “so where’s your sister?” 

Bea sits in front of her mirror, a comb in her hand as she brushes her long locks, “she’s staying at a friend’s tonight.” 

“Cool,” Veronica answers back but her tone falls flat. The girls bask in the awkward silence as Bea continues to get ready but when Veronica notices Bea struggling to do her winged eyeliner she breaks the silence. “Hey do you need help?” 

Bea smiles bashfully, “yeah.” She rubs the back of her head with her hand, “sorry Poppy used to help me with my makeup.” 

“Right,” Veronica’s face slightly falls but she quickly covers it up, ushering Bea to come and sit on the bed. “Come on, I don’t bite,” Veronica bites the bottom of her lip, “unless you want me too.” Bea laughs but obliges sitting on the edge of the bed. Veronica clambers onto her lap, her thighs settling on the sides of Bea’s legs, and in response, Bea’s eyes widen in surprise but she remains glued in her spot, too shocked to move. 

“V, what are you doing?” Bea whispers, her voice attempting to come across as reprimanding but it comes out as breathy. 

“Relax, I’m just doing your eyeliner.” Veronica plucks the wand from Bea’s hand and angles herself close to the brunette’s face, as she begins drawing on the wings on Bea’s eyelids. Bea steadies herself, as she feels the heat of Veronica’s body so close to hers and when Veronica is finished with putting the finishing touches on her eyelids, she hops off Bea’s lap, making her way towards the desk, scuffling through Bea’s makeup bag before taking up her place on Bea’s lap once again. “Now I think this colour would look good on you,” 

“You don’t think it’s too much red?” 

“Oh babe, red means power, dominance, you don’t wanna be thinking about Poppy the entire night, you wanna have all eyes on you Bea Hughes.” Veronica uncaps the lipstick, her eyes burning into Bea’s lips as she carefully applies the red colour to her lips. “Perfect.” 

Bea smacks her lips together, evenly spreading the red on her lips. “Thanks V.” 

Veronica’s eyes dart to Bea’s lips, her tongue slightly running along her bottom lips before she breaks out of her reverie flashing Bea a smirk, “don’t thank me yet, thank me when you’re having the time of your life at the party.” Veronica slides off Bea’s lap, holding her hand out, “come on let’s finish up because Carter’s been waiting for a while.” Bea smiles up at Veronica, taking her hand as she lets the ombre-haired girl pull her off the bed, as they continue getting ready. 

………

Once they arrive at the party, Carter drops the girls off at the front of the huge house before telling them he will park the car. Veronica’s gaze darts to Bea, who’s nervously toying with her hands, looking up at the intimidating house, the lights blaring and as the music echoes throughout, the bass thumping in their ears. Noticing the nerves settling into her, Veronica slips into Bea's, giving her a reassuring squeeze, “hey, it’s okay, it’s just a bunch of drunk, preppy uptight teenagers, nothing you don't usually face everyday.” 

Bea lets out a small laugh, “just in a big ass house,” she jests. 

“Yeah, just in a big ass house,” she gives Bea a light squeeze as she starts pulling Bea into the house with her. Automatically, they’re met with stares and whispers, as the students look astonished at Bea, some appraising her outfit, while others are confused about her presence. “Hey, just stay with me okay?” Veronica whispers over to Bea. Bea nods, her eyes roaming the room. “I’ll get us drinks.” The ombre-haired girl gives Bea a reassuring pat on her arm and leaves her side and Bea walks into the living room, observing the difference between the vibes of the party between the north and the south. Her thoughts then move to think about Poppy, how Poppy would love going to parties in the north but Bea couldn’t find the appeal in it. Poppy. Poppy, who broke up with her. She’s interrupted from her thoughts by a tap of her shoulder, and Bea turns around to see Veronica offering her a red solo cup, Bea takes a sip and winces. 

“What the hell is this crap?” 

“Yeah for a bunch of rich kids, their taste in beer isn’t the best,” Veronica jokes, slightly nudging Bea. 

“We have way better beer in the south side.” 

“That I can agree with.” Veronica looks over to Bea who looks lost in thought, “hey what are you thinking about?” 

Bea sighs heavily, “Poppy,” she mutters. 

Veronica nods once, “right, yeah.” 

“Poppy would’ve loved a party like this, big fancy house an-” 

“Bea,” Veronica says, her tone slightly agitated, “this,” she gestures around the room, “is a no Poppy zone. That means we don’t think about Poppy, only about fun.” 

Bea nods, “fun. I can do that.” Veronica lifts her cup in the air, “what are we cheering to?” 

Veronica gives Bea a smile, “here’s to the first steps in moving on.” The girls tap their cups together before downing their drinks. “Now if we wanna get drunk, we’re gonna need a lot more of these.” 

The party is still ongoing, and Bea sits in a circle with a few girls from the volleyball team and a few of the football team and other people she doesn’t recognise while Veronica sits beside her. 

“Bea you look so pretty,” one of her teammates says. 

“Yeah Bea your makeup is literally gorgeous,” another chimes in. 

“Who knew strip tease can clean up well,” Ford jests, but Bea slumps her shoulders a little, remembering that these people are not her friends. 

Carter enters the circle slapping Ford on the head as he goes, “shut up, Hughes is cool.” Bea gives Carter a nod of appreciation before looking down at the drink in her hands. Her thoughts move a million miles a minute, but there’s a constant one stuck in her brain, Poppy.

Veronica looks over at Bea, frowning. “Hey come with me.” She stands, excusing herself from the group and Bea follows her close behind. 

“Where are we going?” 

“We’re gonna play a private game of truth or drink.” 

[wherethewordsare]

A Place to Rest: Jay’s 400 Follower Celebration Bingo

This is it!!! This fills my bingo card!!! Thank you everyone for the follows! Since I started, I’m already well on my way to my next milestone. <3 <3 <3 I’ll be posting up a master post by Monday for this. Thank you all again, I am so so blown away by the love and support in this fandom!!! 

And a really special thank you to @jaskierswolf and @writinglizards for putting up with my screaming, doubts, and begging for beta readers. yall the real mvps <3

-Jay

For all their traveling together over the first five years, Geralt was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. When he had opened the door to their rented room and found that there was only one bed, he contemplated leaving it to the bard and setting up camp on the edge of the small town. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Geralt. It’s not a small bed and it’s not like we haven’t shared sleeping space before. Remember that barn loft outside of Toussaint? Where that chicken got really particular and you had to move over?” Jaskier teased, already stripping out of his boots. 

“Hmm,” Geralt scowled, looking away. There was enough room that he could easily just meditate by the hearth if it came down to it. 

“Oh have it your way, honestly,” Jaskier huffed as though he had translated Geralt’s noncommittal sounds. He had been getting better at that as of late and Geralt wasn’t sure what to do with that new development. How long had it been since someone had simply… understood? 

Jaskier peeled out of his shirt, tossing it across the bed so it hit Geralt in the chest, Jaskier making a rude noise as he slipped into the bed. “Stubborn witcher, I don’t bite you know.” He propped himself up on his elbow, his eyes hooded and his hair already disheveled from the road as he smirked, “Unless you ask very nicely.” 

“Good night, Jaskier,” Geralt snapped, turning and taking up his meditation stance near the fire. He had made sure to face the door as he took his first steadying breaths. He was almost into his meditation when he realized that it wasn’t his own breathing or heartbeat he had been focusing on, but Jaskier’s, even and strong and familiar. 

He shifted his shoulders, trying to find his own breathing to focus on but then Jaskier was muttering in his sleep, nonsense words that tugged at the corners of Geralt’s mouth. 

Fuck. 

There was no way he was going to get any meditation done and the bed had looked to be big enough. He sighed in defeat as he finally stood and made his way to the bed. Stripping off his boots and shirt as he went. 

In the time that he had fallen asleep, Jaskier had spread out across the bed, his limbs reaching out to every corner and his mouth hanging open. It didn’t help the fondness that had been growing in Geralt’s chest for a while now. It felt like a trap he was purposely walking in to. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to look back at the bard, warring with a need he hadn’t known existed until there was no longer a way to ignore it. 

He was just about to stand and walk away again when warm fingers slid over the space between his ribs, making him jump. 

“Sorry,” Jaskier murmured when Geralt turned around sharply. “I never get to see them this close. There’s so many,” his eyes were barely open and he had only raised his head slightly from the pillow. His fingers traced over another scar, delicate and nearly reverent. 

To his own surprise, Geralt leaned into the touch, twisting slightly to allow Jaskier to trace the scar in its totality. It had been a difficult fight with a Burxa that had left his side in tatters. Jaskier only hummed sleepily, before he pulled his hand away but he moved over in the bed, and lifted the blanket in invitation. 

“Come to bed, stubborn witcher. There’s no battles to be fought here,” his face was open and sleep soft, his hair rumpled around his ears. 

Geralt took a deep breath and let himself slide between the sheets. For a little while, he held himself perfectly still, not risking leaning into Jaskier’s warmth and softness. He could accept the pretty words and the soft looks but to think that there could be anything else would have been madness. 

Geralt found himself focusing back on the same even breathing and the heartbeat that had distracted him earlier from his meditations, but laying so close to Jaskier now, it felt like a lullabye. He found that he had drifted into an easy sleep beside the bard. 

He woke more rested than he had felt in near decades. The same heartbeat he had fallen asleep was just under his ear, warm breath brushing against the top of his head. When he opened his eyes, he found himself pressed against Jaskier’s chest and his arms wrapped around the bard’s middle. Jaskier’s arms were wrapped around his shoulders and he held him like he was something to protect. 

He wanted to pull away. He wanted to slip out from the embrace, dress as quietly as he could and be well away from this inn, from this bed, from this man as he could before he woke. 

The chest under his head shifted slightly and those same warm fingers brushed along his shoulder blade, not tracing scars, only skin. Geralt found it surprising how easy it was to let his tension melt away and relax back down into the mattress. He would know when Jaskier was bound to wake up again and it did no harm to anyone to allow himself this small moment. 

The moment had turned into an hour and finally he felt Jaskier begin to stir under him. He almost regretted how he pulled away, feeling a terrible coward for not letting Jaskier decide for himself whether or not Geralt was welcome in his arms that way. But it was easier to tell himself that of course he wouldn’t be. 

He made quick work of getting dressed as Jaskier finally sat up in bed, squinting at him still half asleep. For a moment, Geralt thought that there would have to be a talk, a conversation about what had passed between them but instead Jaskier simply accepted that there was another contract waiting for them and that they had to get a move on. 

It had been surprising that it hadn’t happened sooner, that they found themselves in an inn in some little backwater that could only offer them one bed between them. But Geralt had suddenly found himself looking forward to the next time it happened.

[ivyglow]

psa + deactiv for a bit

I had some time to read what some people were saying out there and it really saddens me how many “I’m lgbtqia+ and I don’t see anything wrong with the tweets” or “at his age I used to say the same things”, this shows us two things 1) some of you were/are really privileged for not understanding that this is systemic violence, therefore, the person who said the slur doesn’t need to mean it in a bad way because it’s a slur no matter the context and 2) some of you think that just because something happened in the past you don’t need to apologize or recognize your mistakes, which is awful, I’m sorry. 

Being a black girl and having a white mother taught me a lot about acknowledgment, just a couple years ago I started calling my mom out in some of her actions and she made me a lot of questions, we discussed a series of topics and her view on racism has been amplified, just a couple months ago she came to me and she apologized for something she did when I was a five years old kid, she said she was sorry if she ever made me feel bad about my skin, or my nose or anything regarding my blackness, she apologize for things she realizes were wrong to my sister too (and my sister is white, so this isn’t only about the “woke” subject as some people try to make it seem). I’ve never asked my mom to apologize, she also never asked me to forgive her, but I’m sure if she was a public person and something came out about her hurting someone (intently or not) she would apologize, because this is how we grow and this is how we acknowledge our mistakes. We understand that we’re inserted into a bigger space and this space influences how we react to some things, but when we have the opportunity to do better: we do better. 

Systemic violence such as racism and homophobia don’t necessarily need the other part to mean harm, because again: it's systemic. Slurs were wrong back then and they still wrong nowadays. It doesn’t mean that because you used it back then you’re a homophobe now, but it means that you hurt someone at the time and how you react and respond to this situation now says something about who you are in the present. I’m so so sad with people saying they used to say it therefore it's not a problem or that he was a kid. Yes, it was something “common” to SOME of you at the time, but it doesn’t mean it was right and if any of you ever get the opportunity to apologize to someone that was around you at the time: please, do. Yes, nols was a teenager at the time, but as a white, rich boy he gets to have the “space to grow” and make mistakes that bipoc and some lgbtqia+ never had. My brother has the same age as Nolan, and he wasn’t excused for his mistakes -no matter how small they were- because he was a black kid.

When I say publicly talking and apologizing, addressing the issue, I mean it so people can see that no matter if for some it seemed ok back then, it wasn’t. Some of you didn’t felt personally attacked by the slurs, which is fine but to say that it wasn’t harmful reduces the feeling of a whole group to your own feelings, it makes exactly what those acts of violence do: it treats us as homogenous. 

I’m completely fine with people supporting him, I really am, it wasn’t my intention to make everyone angry with my first post, I was addressing an issue that was brought to me in my ask box, saying how hockey culture is not something that starts on the nhl or isn’t influenced by the majority there (white, rich, cis, etc). Whoever took the time to read the whole thing saw that I said everything people are repeating there: he was a teenager, probably space, where he grew up, didn’t really introduce him on social issues, people probably never called him out on that at the time and so on, but this doesn’t change the fact that slurs aren’t ok. It strikes me as some of you still live in a fairytale where we get to have bad guys and good guys, but we're human beings and we need to start understanding that someone can do something bad in the past without necessarily being a bad person (that goes from problem to problem, of course). You say you want to change hockey culture and that you want to do better but when a bipoc/lgbtqia+ points an issue and wants to debate it y’all are quick to choose the one who has the same view as you and use it (@someone is gay and didn’t felt affected by it, therefore, it isn’t a big deal!!!), and it's just curious, honestly.

You also feel as if you have the right to come to my inbox and say hateful stuff, question my views and point a finger at me. I’m not perfect nor I expect any player to be, I’m well aware they are mostly white rich men, and the environment they grew up in is completely different from what we would expect as the ideal, but it doesn’t mean that we’re gonna simply ignore issues. That being said I’m not answering about this topic anymore, its tiring and stressful especially when people already have everything out there, and what I keep doing is basically repeating myself in different ways just so yall get your message. I’m not here to educate, this is supposed to be a safe space for me, yet I do talk about these topics because I know we need it more around here. The fact that some of you choose to block me (when we never really talked!!!), point me as a problematic blog, or diminish the topic, shows a lot about hockey culture (that is very present between the fans, not only in the league).

When you start to realize that part of the discomfort we feel while dealing with these issues is the key to changing the situation we’re gonna start going somewhere, while you keep diminishing it and trying to make excuses we’ll be stuck.

I recommend you to read mia’s rant about it here. Also, take some time to read about the nwhl situation here.

I’m leaving for a while, maybe a day or two or maybe a week, I’m not sure, I just need some time to get my energy back, I deal with this shit every day irl, I shouldn’t have to feel bad in here. I’m really thankful for all the supportive people and I’m really sorry for the hateful anons or the people who felt like I was attacking them or their fave, that wasn’t my intention (especially because nols was my fav too, but I personally felt kinda off, maybe in a different time I wouldn’t feel off and that's ok too). Anyway, I hope I see y’all soon in a better vibe than that (those last lb’s were really good for me btw! you guys are amazing) and if you miss me that much (jk) you can ask for my discord acc to my tito ( @barbienoturbby ). love yall <3 mel 

I’m turning my anons back because of all the named anons I had and I know some of them don’t have a tumblr acc but please: don’t send in shitty things/hate, just go live your life the way you want and leave me in peace. 

sorry for the long rant, I just felt like clarifying things because besides the asks there are people blocking me and unf me like crazy which is ?????