#tfw you get kissed so good you Realise things

[lenreli]

Day 25 - Spin the Bottle [Human AU]

[AO3]

Dream resists rolling his eyes, watching as Matthew and Johanna share a kiss, courtesy of the bottle they’re sitting around. Sadly, Matthew is next to him, so Dream knows he’s up next on the chopping block, and Dream thinks about just getting up and leaving. “Since sourpuss here won’t do it, can I?” Matthew asks loudly next to him, and everyone else shrugs and agrees. Dream scowls even more as he watches the empty wine bottle spin, and spin and― 

Land on Hob, across from him. Which, as far as people go, isn’t bad. Even though Dream is straight and Hob isn’t, but. Sighing, he gets up as Matthew shoves him over to Hob. “Still time to flee if you want,” Hob says once he’s closer. “I’m sure you could take the ribbing after.” 

“Let’s just get this over and done with,” he scowls, leaning hesitantly in. Hob’s eyes are sparkling, lips pursed as Dream puts his lips over Hob’s, warm and faintly scratchy from stubble and Dream starts to move away― 

“That’s not a kiss,” Hob mutters, affronted. Dream’s heart rate spikes as Hob’s hands cup his face, hands going into his hair and pull him down to another kiss, tongue licking against his lip as one of Hob’s hands goes to his hips and he’s pulled onto Hob’s lap. Gasping, his heart rate spikes even more as Hob kisses him, devouring and deep as a thumb strokes his cheek. Shivering, he melts onto Hob’s lap, grabbing onto the other man’s waist as he succumbs to the racing heart, to a kiss he’s never had before, full-body and consuming. 

The sounds fade as Hob hums, stubble pressing around his mouth and Dream’s mind struggles to take in the way Hob’s kissing him, tongue and teeth licking and nipping, sucking on his tongue, and Dream can feel his cock ― get interested in the proceeding. Whining into the other’s mouth, he shivers as the hand on his face goes down his neck, the extra sensation making him moan.

Dream moans a fuck into Hob’s mouth, feeling Hob’s other hand go up and under his shirt, nails scratching up it and he shivers, clutching desperately at Hob as they start to ground against each other, heart racing as he feels Hob’s hardness against his stomach, mind only going yes yes yes yes more as he moans, his hands going up to Hob’s jaw to touch the stubble, pleasant against his skin as Hob bites at his lip, changing the angle, and he whines as Hob’s other hand goes down to cup his arse and oh gods yes please―

Abruptly, he’s pulled away from Hob, and they both whine, other sounds coming back as―looking up, he sees Lucienne sigh, a hand on the scruff of his shirt as he’s pulled back to his seat, reality trickling in slowly as he stares back at Hob, whose lips are red, lap open and inviting―and there’s another sigh as he placed back onto the floor next to Matthew in confusion, Lucienne keeping a hold on his arm.

Eyes still stuck on Hob’s, who smiles as the others speak, admonishments for how explicit their kiss was becoming and other complaints. “Matthew,” he croaks, licking his lips and Dream’s pulse jumps as Hob’s eyes zero in on them, brown turned a deep black. “I’m gay,” he confesses, suddenly very sure that yes, definitely gay.

“But are you really gay, or is he just a good kisser?” Matthew asks.

“Both,” he replies immediately, touching his sensitive lips, insides squirming at Hob’s dark eyes on him still, not having left him at all, and Dream’s only stopped from going back over there by the iron grip Lucienne has on his arm.

[ryttu3k]

Part 2 of my season 12 reaction posts! Find part 1 (Resolution of the Daleks to Fugitive of the Judoon) here!

Praxeus

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Praxeus!

OKAY FIRST. THANK YOU, SHOW, FOR FIXING A BIG ISSUE I HAD WITH THE FIRST SEASON. So they were doing a thing where they’d introduce incidentally queer characters, have a female character mention her wife, stuff like that, only for them to die. This episode had Jake and Adam, married/separated/it’s complicated couple, who face huge amounts of danger, who both come close to dying, but who survive! And have a Big Damn Kiss! And walk off together holding hands! They survived!!

Plotwise, I enjoyed it a ton while watching, although in retrospect it did feel a bit free of danger. The companions were never in true peril because the Doctor can home in on them automatically, and we never got the true scale of the risk of infection, since the only people we saw get infected were in isolated areas. I would have liked to see, for instance, the threat of Praxeus spreading beyond just the very Hitchcockian birds; all of the peril was on an individual level.

Good message, if unsubtle. Mind you, that’s kind of Doctor Who’s thing, and it pisses off conservatives, so all for it, really XD (They must have loved the core relationship in this episode, too!) Like. Subtle doesn’t work. There are literally climate change deniers that exist. Sometimes you actually do have to tell a message with all the finesse of a sledgehammer because .

(Side note, I was deeply concerned when I saw the cowriter was the guy who did the hot mess that was Kerblam!, so at least this was just an unsubtle and kind of questionably written story instead of an actively harmful one.)

The companions: Ryan seems a fair bit more confident on his own? His initial scenes with Gabriela showed that he’s starting to work well even without backup, and picking up the bird proved to be a damn good call. Yaz and Graham were a fun pair, and Yaz got a lot to do when she and Gabriela (again!) got to explore, and I can definitely understand the conflict between curiosity/doing what’s right and safety when it came to the teleport scene. She does seem to be bordering on the reckless. Intriguing!

Minor plot snag - Graham knows how to set up an IV, presumably because of the shitload of time he spent in hospital! …And yet he doesn’t know what a pathogen is?

Friend note!

“fun fact about graham seemingly not knowing what a pathogen is! in my reading of the scene, i saw it as graham knowing what one was. with "Well, I’m glad you asked that…!” he seems like he’s actually sort of pleased with himself, like he’s about to launch into an explanation, and then IIRC there’s a very brief shot at Ryan giving him a Look and Graham immediately changes tone to “…cause I didn’t want to look stupid.” he immediately changes from boosting his own ego to bolstering ryans and im love"

In which case, good shit gooood shit.

SFX - the infection was creepy as shit. The very obviously puppet bird near the lab was hilariously bad.

Apparently the filming was tricky because it was super windy so all the shorts of Thirteen with her hair Like That weren’t planned, it just kind of happened. Love a fluffy ruffled Thirteen.

So anyway. People calling for more plot focus - literally this is the Doctor trying to distract herself and not focus on the plot! This is her avoidance tactic! Emotional honesty? Who’s she? She’ll get back to it eventually, but for now she needs a distraction after being punched in the emotions. Give her that for one episode, c'mon.

Ryan: “…I do a lot of running.”

Graham: “Whatever is giving off those weird readings… is on the other side of that wall!” Yaz: *silently turns scanner around* Graham, not skipping a beat: “…is on the other side of that door!”

Yaz: “I don’t want you to panic, but… we followed one of those things through a teleport and now I think we’re on an alien planet.” Thirteen: “…well, you don’t do things by halves!”

Thirteen: “That’s why you smell of dead bird! I thought you’d changed your shower gel.”

Thirteen: “I’m having half a thought. Ooh, this one tickles!”

Thirteen: “What can I say? I’m a romantic~”

In conclusion, Doctor Who said gay rights.

-

Can You Hear Me?

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Can You Hear Me?

Trigger warning for discussion of depression and suicide.

You know you're in for a wild ride when iView warns for horror themes instead of science fiction themes.

Overall: at first impression, it felt sort of mashed together? There's 14th century Aleppo, and there's 21st century Sheffield, and there's a deep space station, and there's creepy monsters and dream villains; I do kind of wonder why Zellin targeted a random girl in Aleppo as source for his pet monster, although targeting people like Ryan's best friend makes sense if he's deliberately trying to lure the Doctor to him.

The theme, on the other hand, of mental health resiliance and reaching out, was done incredibly well. Oh yeah there'll be more comments about it - the Guardian described it as 'adventures in Wokeness' - but damn, sometimes you need to hear it. I loved getting more of Yaz' backstory, about being a desperate teenage runaway at the point of being suicidal, and her reunion with the older woman legitimately made me tear up.

But like, goddamn. Her nightmare - she's still hearing that. She's still hearing her sister saying that she should "do it right this time" and that this time she won't call and that no one is coming and holy fuck. God this makes so many of Yaz' scenes incredibly painful in retrospect, knowing that she was at that point only three years before and that she's still dreaming that shit! It makes her recklessness terrifying!

Ryan's nightmare, and his experience with Tibo - it's quite reflective of the Doctor, too. She wasn't there, and Gallifrey burnt. And Ryan is realising this now, and really thinking about the potential future in Orphan 55. I think this is absolutely foreshadowing Ryan leaving at the end of the season (there's been a lot of speculation given Tosin's new TV role), and I think Ryan and Yaz' discussion at the end of the episode was a definite hint in the direction of Ryan choosing to going back to Earth.

Would have really liked Graham, during his talk with the Doctor, to gently remind her that she can talk about her own problems, although I can understand the narrative choice on why she didn't (although, yeah, would have been good for Graham to ask). Because, yeah, if anyone needs a sympathetic ear (...sans fingers) or a shoulder to lean on, it's her!! The entire theme of this episode was like... reaching out. Conquering your fears with the help of others. Sharing your fears to lessen them. Getting help. And the Doctor deliberately... not doing that makes it into an actual Thing that I think is going to seriously be addressed by the end of the season.

It's been such an ongoing theme. A bunch of episodes have started with an obviously depressed Doctor. The Fam has tried to raise the issue multiple times and have discussed it amongst themselves even more. Scenes like Yaz' reaction after being abducted in Spyfall (...which makes her, "I thought I was dead" part even more worrying) and being comforted by Ryan, not the Doctor... her whole reaction to Graham being like, "I'm glad you talked to me but I literally can't do the same in return" - if it's not addressed by the end of this season, it's at least going to have to be an ongoing theme, because it's becoming very deliberate now.

An interesting note: the actor who played Zellin (an immortal manipulator of nightmares) also voiced the Remnants (who were the first to mention the Timeless Child in The Ghost Monument). Coincidence or deliberate?

Assorted thoughts:

"I'm still quite socially awkward." There's socially awkward and there's emotionally repressed... (I saw a description of it on Tumblr as 'weaponised dissociation' and... yeah. And also yikes.) Also the way she was so closed in on herself, basically hugging her arms to her body! On a semi-related note, talking to herself in Aleppo was a bit depressing. Like it's continuing the theme of The Doctor Does Not Like Being Alone.

The finger thing - ew ew ew ew it's in their EARS ewww D:

Stylistic comment: the traditionally-styled animation for the Immortals' game was gorgeous.

"Try not freak out, yeah, but you're on a floating space platform trapped in a gravitational pull between two colliding planets."

"Thanks for lending a helping hand!" Companions just being, "...Doctor p l s."

On an old lore note, loved the callback to Eternals, Guardians, and the Toymaker! On a concerning note, man, the Doctor has so many issues with immortals. They abandoned Jack, there was the punishment they gave the Family of Blood, they had those Issues with Ashildr (from what I've read), now this, an eternal punishment with no chance of redemption, perhaps because she knows what immortality does? Parallels with the Doctor as quasi-immortal too, which Zellin even pointed out.

"You're wrong about humans. They're not pathetic. They're magnificent. They live with their fears, doubts, guilt. They face them down everyday and they prevail. That's not weakness. That's strength. That's what humanity is."

(Contrast: "That's what humanity is." The Doctor isn't human. She's not prevailing against her fears, doubts, and guilt.)

In conclusion, literally everyone but the creepy immortals needs a hug.

-

The Haunting of Villa Diodati

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Haunting Of Villa Diodati!

tfw you think you're just going to get a nice spoopy historical and instead get major plot?

Overall impression: Well, Jack is going to be pretty miffed, given that the Doctor had to do precisely what he didn't want to happen - giving the Lone Cyberman what it wanted. To save Shelley, and also to save the future, although that does bring up the question on if the death of one person can rewrite the future, why doesn't that apply to literally everyone? Fletcher the valet and Elise the nurse died too, do their deaths have the same impact? Either way, the Doctor takes the Cyberium for herself - then realises that the Cybermen are inevitable, and returns it. And now she's trying to go and stop them. So... a bit conflicting in the message there, I think.

Yeah. Bit of a Trolley Problem there.

The characters were really fun. I did enjoy seeing Mary's sense of morbidness, but also her kindness and sympathy towards the Cyberman; you can see the foundations of Frankenstein there. I'm seeing some criticism of how Byron was portrayed as a coward, but eh. Nice little callback to Ada. Also I love how one of the rules was 'no one snog Byron'. Put that dirty boy back, you don't know where he's been! Glad Claire realised that too, although historically, she was already pregnant with his daughter at that point (and that didn't go well at all)... Either way. Good display of all these bright young reckless things.

(And yes, they were young. Byron was the eldest at 28. Shelley was 23, Polidori was 20, Mary and Claire were just 18. And while Claire lived to 80 and Mary to her 50s, the three men all died young, too - Byron at 36, Shelley at 29 - yes, from drowning, Polidori at just 25. Also wasn't mentioned that Polidori also created something on that Dark And Stormy Night along with Mary's Frankenstein - he wrote The Vampyre, the first modern vampire story!)

The Lone Cyberman (and I am deliberately using that instead of 'Ashad') - creepy as shit. Not just the whole Frankenstein look, but the way he acted! Not emotionless and blank, but actively manipulative and sadistic! Mary showed empathy and he actively threw it back in her face! I mean, yikes.

House was terrific and also spooky as hell. (Am lowkey miffed that no one went "VIBE CHECK!") The jumbled layout was quite Castrovalva, and I actually really dig that Graham got to see some actual ghosts. Ghostly sandwiches!

I think we got actual confirmation here that Yaz does have feelings for the Doctor? (Bleeding Cool News is pretty sure that it was for Ryan, but... lmao no.) BBCA twitter certainly thinks so!

Claire: "His answers only increase the enigma." Yaz: "I know someone like that." Claire: "This enigmatic person of yours... would you trade them for reliable and dull?" Yaz: "My person's a bit different..."

I MEAN.

(It got deleted. So. There is that.)

Thirteen: "Hmm. Fourteenth... no. Fifteenth century... touch more umami." (Doctor, have you been playing Detroit: Become Human again?)

Mary: "I don't think they're really from the colonies!" Byron: "No, she... is from somewhere much, much stranger." Polidori: "The North."

Thirteen: "YOU HAD ONE JOB."

Cyberman: "You appear courageous. But your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety." Thirteen: "Or as I like to call it... Tuesday."

Thirteen: "Yeah, 'cause sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit, in the stratosphere, alone. Left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now, or tomorrow. Sometimes even I can't win."

Claire: "You pursued Mrs Doctor without a care for my presence, belittled my thoughts and opinions... and then proceeded to use my person as a human shield." Byron: "...And?" Claire: "And the spell is broken... my lord." Polidori's face: "haha you fucked up dude"

Next week: Shit Hits The Fan.

-

Ascension of the Cybermen

In lieu of a proper post for Ascension of the Cybermen, here are a list of questions we need an answer for.

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

What is the Boundary?

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Are there any other large human populations left?

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

What's up with Yaz?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

-

The Timeless Children

WELL THEN.

While I gather proper thoughts on The Timeless Children, here are the questions I had from Ascension of the Cybermen, now with answers!

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Yup! Disguises for the win!

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

Brendan is a filtered overlay memory of one of the Doctor's former lives.

What is the Boundary?

An anomaly, as far as I can tell.

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

No idea!

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

No idea!

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

A big damn hero.

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

We're still not actually sure. Either way, he's an action figure now.

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

Yeah, sort of.

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Because Time Lords.

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

It's probably related technology! If the chameleon arch rewrites memories, this one just wipes them.

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Just warzone familiarity. Poor li'l bean.

Are there any other large human populations left?

Possibly! If the Boundary really did send them to random places, there still could be surviving pockets elsewhere in the universe.

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

Maybe a bit XD And now they're all on Earth, who knows?

What's up with Yaz?

Who knows?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Ko Sharmus sent it. Didn't send it far enough.

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

Same organisation Ko Sharmus is part of. Also, young!Ko Sharmus/Jack please.

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

In so many ways.

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

The Doctor!

More thoughts later!

-

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Timeless Children.

...Actually, first thought is the title. Timeless Children? Hmm.

Anyway. That is... sure a literally mind-blowing revelation for the Doctor, yes! Like, damn, the discovery that you're not even the species you thought you were, that your adoptive parent spent lifetimes abusing and experimenting on you, that your memories were routinely erased by people you thought you could trust (including your adoptive parent), that you're literally the progenitor for your entire species, that you've lost who knows how much time and who knows how many memories... yeah. Damn.

What's an appropriate birthday present for someone turning ten million?

Also, huh. Amidst all the old lore and casual mentions (like Borusa!) that got mentioned - were they taking hints from the Cartmel master plan? About the Doctor being some kind of founding figure for Gallifrey? Not exactly written as Cartmel had it, but that big main concept of the Doctor as a sort of... foundation piece of Time Lord culture was still actually there.

Brain of Morbius Doctors confirmed, I guess. I guess even Four was going, "...the fuck?"

Cybermen = still scary. Regenerating Cybermen = felt somehow obscene. Like, no, that's just fundamentally not right. Like the TARDIS responding to Jack by noping the fuck out kind of not right. God. And the Master was completely and utterly magnificently batshit, like, more than usual, come on, dude, you know they'd kill or convert you the second you turned your back.

Still. Deeply, deeply entertaining to watch just from a villain perspective, completely Chaotic, and like... I do understand where he was coming from? His entire life is a lie. His entire life is because of the Doctor, who, I think it's fair to say, he has Complicated Feelings regarding. (Their entire interaction this episode was a giant power play. Like damn guys just get into BDSM and leave the would-be genocide and universal takeover.)

Tecteun = Rassilon, I'm assuming. Goddamn. Like they were a pompous abusive asshole from the outset, this just kind of makes it worse. I also wonder if Rassilon chose the Master specifically to get the drums because he was friends with the Doctor? That actually may have been something the Master worked out himself, too. I mean, I'd be pissed off as well :-\

Also, how many people know about this? I assume Gat knew, since she was implied to be responsible for the mind wipes, but was it like... a super tightly-held secret or was it something a lot of higher-ups knew? Because that's fucked up tbh

Thought on the Master. Okay, he's hugely furious that he's been lied to, that the entire origin of his people is based on a lie, that his greatest friendrivalloveenemy is incredibly special and that a part of her is in him and not in the fun way, but like... I'm also wondering if he's looking at the Time Lords, the way they turned him into their puppet, how they drove him insane for their own purposes, then looked at the Doctor - someone who has also been used, abused, experimented on, manipulated, controlled, and went, "No. This is an injustice and the Time Lords need to be punished for it."

Oh, saw a nice theory regarding the TARDISes - Ruth!Doctor had the original busted police box TARDIS. When she was eventually taken in to be mind-erased, they sent the TARDIS off to storage to be eventually repaired. The Doctor manages to steal that one, goes to Earth, and it immediately gets stuck again because it's still broken. Explains how Ruth!Doctor can have the police box while also being pre-everything.

I really want the Doctor and Jack to sit down and have a nice chat about being timeless undying constants of the universe. Also for Jack to get one of the spare TARDISes around. Be kinda funny if he got the Master's old one, given the Year That Never Was, but it really is just sitting there. (Poor TARDIS stuck as a tree on a random wartorn planet in the far future, though!)

Also, Jodie was fucking magnificent in this episode. The hurt, the absolute fury, the almost glee when she's telling the Master he can't break her, her refusal to press the button at the end (so much like Nine's "coward or killer?" moment!)... just... so good.

Beautiful post I saw here on Tumblr - the Doctor as the Timeless Child, making the choice to help.

Amazing post here on Tumblr about abuse and repressed memories. Even if the Doctor doesn't remember it all, the abuse they underwent at the hands of a beloved parent figure still informs a hell of a lot of their behaviour, but it doesn't define them. The Doctor's need to run = informed by abuse. The Doctor's desire to help crying children = informed by abuse. The Doctor being an inherently good person = being their own person, no matter what their upbringing, no matter what their past was. They made the choice to be the Doctor, and that's a hell of an important thing.

Extremely painful post I saw on Tumblr about the Doctor being 'hip with the kids' by calling her companions her Fam but hell if they're not more family to her than her actual adoptive mother ow my heart.

Also, the scene between Yaz and Graham was so sweet <3 I do want to see Yaz, at some point, admit that sometimes she's so terrified she can barely move, and to tell him what she came so close to doing when she was sixteen, and Graham to just go, "Yeah, but you keep going." Also I'm trying not to think about how Yaz would respond to the Doctor going off on a suicide mission when Yaz was suicidal just three years earlier because ow my heart. She knows that Ko Sharmus went after her, she knows the Doctor might be alive, but either way, she's just seen someone she loves leave with the intention of dying (and Ko Sharmus too, actually). Someone please give her a hug. Actually please just let the Fam have a big group hug in general.

"Have you ever been limited by who you were before?" "Huh. Now that does sound like me talking."

So, remaining questions to be answered next season!

What actually is the Doctor? Since they were found near the Boundary, they could be from anywhere. It's fair to say they now are recognised genetically as a Time Lord, but what were they originally, why were they abandoned in the first place, and are there any more of their original people out there?

How do the Remnants know about the Timeless Child, or were they just picking up on that unconscious knowledge from the Doctor's own mind?

Like... we're generally under agreement that the Master, the eternal cockroach, survived, right? Despite definitely being lowkey suicidal like oh, was hoping the Death Particle would kill me? Like the Death Particle was made by the Cyberium, it could have gone, "Nah, keeping this one."

What's going on with the Kasaavin? Remember them? Still out there, stationed all through time and space? And are we going to see Daniel Barton again?

Is something going on with Yaz?

Will the Fam stay on? (I personally think Ryan will elect to stay on Earth to account for Tosin Cole's new TV role, and if Graham and Ravio enter a relationship, he might too.)

When will we see Jack again? If he was connected to the Lone Cyberman arc, that seems... pretty conclusively finished, unless we're going to learn more about it?

Is it Christmas yet?

............so the Christmas/NY special is going to start with Jack using his vortex manipulator to bust the Doctor out of prison and get back to the Fam and it'll never be mentioned again, right.

"At least buy me diNNER!!"

[ayyponine]

personal on like idk body stuff

hm idk you know tfw yr like down w sex in theory but the second u realise someone is making a move in how they deliberately look at/touch you or things seem to shift into a diff mood yr like oh fuck no. thanks but sorry i need to leave like right now.

eg when someone close to me who was 1. quite a bit older and 2. into women referred to me regularly as a woman the implication of being sexually mature made me really uncomfortable like hm no im in my mid twenties but i am a Girl. do not consider me a Woman, ever, thanks

which is frustrating bc also i do care abt my appearance being good and approved by others and being like wanted bc what am i worth otherwise but then im too chicken to follow thru on anything like some malicious tease switching frm wanting to be perceived as hot to not wanting anyone to signal that they do indeed think i am appealing and try to mb pursue smth related to that impression im v clearly giving off

also i do not like the way i look but simultaneously know this is as good as it’s gonna get for me and i’m only gettting older so i should be living life and enjoying this body (on my own and by letting other ppl have some share of it, appreciating it and giving that back to me) bc its youthfulness is going to waste so my feeling of dislike is only gonna get worse w the years to come and hm idk. idk.

th elast few months ive been thinking a lot abt sugaring or other kinda objectifying things bc mb then i can at least get the validation and gain smth positive out of this body while it’s as young as it’s ever gonna be but also would that be personally empowering or just pathetically exploiting myself begging fr scraps of attention and reassurance that i am desirable without having to submit to physical contact and being Seen like that before i turn too ugly fr myself to be at least profitable and i lose all (physical) value altogether

idk if i want to call it sex repulsion bc its mostly self repulsion but ngl being the only virgin in my friend group especially at this point in life is kinda like oh fuck. whats like Wrong w me. like i can understand not having reached that Milestone due to 1. personal feelings twrds my own form since my teens and possibly before and 2. shit thats happened which has kept me preoccupied and unable to commit to getting into a relationship, opening up and all that but its also like oh my god. i dont think this is gonna improve there is so much to unpack and meanwhile i just keep aging on top of the issues thatre already firmly there

as someone w experience in teaching high schoolers i 100% wouldve told my pupils like please for the love of god WAIT - kissing and holding hands is fine rn but dont do anything sexual until yr like in yr twenties and Know more abt yrself and yr relationship with your self becase atm you are mere children experiencing and going thru a Lot. but also i had an Experienced boyfriend when i was 15 and remember another friend asking if i wanted to join her and her bf when i was like 16 or 17 and im just thinking like fuck. mb if id just not turned down some offers in my late teens/early twenties i wouldnt be so fucking uptight abt it rn and i wouldnt be so disappointed in myself wasting my golden years in many, many ways

[amwritingmeta]

14x13: Holding Hands...

Wow with a side of whoopee, that was a wonderful episode. An episode full of wondrous moments, is what that was. I latched onto this final sequence we got, because to me the entire episode is very... reflective of what love looks like, or can look like, or should look like. 

And they’re visually tied together through the characters holding hands, imagine that beauty!

There’s the very gentle thread through the ep of love and longing, with the local teens immediately establishing that these things will be ingredients of this episode’s narrative. 

Max and girl who has no name so I’ll call her Flowery Top Girl (notice the flowers are yellow) (and Max is wearing Dean’s red PLUS lumberjack trademark, if you wanna call it that) are sweet, and hesitant, and it’s very, very, very brand new, but the way there’s encouragement and quiet flirtation there makes the heart sing high notes of joy.

Then we get John and Mary, who gives us a love that’s full of familiarity and history and zero hesitation. That kiss as they’re reunited... Yeah, that’s what a no-nonsense reunion between people deeply in love looks like. (yeah I’m so not eyeballing you Dean) (not at all)

This rooted love is then subtly juxtaposed through the episode, but most notably this is brought to a head in the final sequence.

Cue: hand holding -->

(I get emotional) So, John has to go, and he knows he does, or else everyone else will fade away, because Mary won't have been brought back, and Dean and Sam won’t be themselves anymore. Neither will Cas be, and, of course, Jack doesn’t exist at all. High stakes that make it understandable that this is the right choice to make. They got to have one family dinner together. That’s more than they ever would’ve thought they’d get to have. (still blowing my mind a bit)

So, Mary takes John’s hand before he fades away, back into 2003.

Now, the fact that Cas is incredibly important to this narrative is established through dialogue, when Sam saying they don’t know what else has changed leading right into the discovering exactly what else - or who else - has changed: Cas. 

In this final sequence we get John and Mary holding hands and as John returns back to his time, we get a reminder of the fight scene with Cas -->

--> being righted. Cas is back and all is well with the world. (or so it’s implied)

Aw, Dean, you can’t seriously equate being “cool” with being wanted for assault, murder and theft, can you? Also, you look like a wannabe douche in that mugshot, trying so hard to be something you’re truly not. 

Thank goodness that mugshot is exchanged for this ^^^, where community, health and family is the focus.

And now we get the mirrored hand holding, via Max and Flowery Top Girl -->

--> it is such a wonderful moment and I love these girls. Max’s reaction is brilliant! Interesting that Max steals a car to try and impress Flowery Top Girl and is doing lots of things to show she’s interested, but it’s Flowery Top Girl (wearing a little heart on a chain around her neck no less) who makes the first move... And look at that very, very tall friend walking alongside them. :) #mini-tfw

Anyway, look what the above image fades into! 

Yup. It fades directly into Cas returning to the bunker. As himself. Our Cas. 

And here are the faces of those who hear him arrive back -->

Oh, darling Dean. 

There he is. Had to add him because oh, darling Cas. You’ve no clue what Dean just went through. Sam, too, yes, but please do note how Sam is never in focus throughout Dean’s entire exchange with Cas. That’s Dean’s moment. Of terror.

Wanna know what really gets to me with all this? The symbology that I see in these final images.

Because the love between the parents willingly gives way for the budding love between, well, who do we think Max and Flowery Top Girl echo, if we’re getting deep into it? Yes, Dean and Cas.

John and Mary’s hands clasp as John’s hand fades, while the episode ends on the mirror image of Flowery Top Girl taking Max’s hand and in so doing saying, yes, I like you too, this is a thing, I want to be with you.

There’s another possible foreshadowing here in how Mary lets John go, because it’s necessary, and the right thing to do.

See, I was speculating as the season began that Dean would need to let Cas go, but it seems it might actually be the opposite, which, essentially, means Dean letting Cas go at the same time, but Cas being the one having to truly accept Dean’s choice and the necessity of Dean following through on it.

My speculation was based in my feeling a need for these two men to go through this phase in how they relate themselves to one another, because so much of their story has been about the other, not exactly in a codependent way, but in a blinding way, where the absence of one means lack of an internal compass in the other. This is unhealthy. 

And what they need - what they’ve essentially always needed - is to engage in what Jung would call individuation - answering the questions who am I? and who do I want to be? for themselves - in order to be able to live, you know, a long and happy life together. 

So for Cas - and Sam, too, though coming at it from the codependency angle - to actually come to a point where they’ve shown Dean how they’ll fight for him only to, ultimately, getting to show him how they’ll stand by him, because they love him, respect him and support his choice in the moment of absolute necessity, then this will pave way for what I do hope will happen: 

Dean appearing to have to surrender to fate by putting himself in that box, but having gained so much self-knowledge during his journey from building the box to now getting ready to surrender, that he realises it’s so far from what he wants for himself that what he’s going to do is face Michael and cast him out.

And possibly trap Michael’s essence in that box, because hell, we got a full minute of welding!Dean and I can’t imagine they’d spend a whole episode on the construction of that box if it’s not actually going to prove useful somehow...

Anyway, sorry for attaching speculation to my meta, but it feels quite fitting, looking at the possible foreshadowing here of letting go of the person you love, but as the narrative hints, letting go in order to get to start fresh.

With old dynamics giving way for new ones. *fingers crossed*

[vvivacious101]

Re-rewatching S06E10 - Caged Heat

Okay, this was a surprisingly good episode. It serves as the midseason finale for this season so I was definitely expecting the action but it exceeded my expectations on other fronts.

We have Crowley who was sassy as ever and the first few minutes of him torturing the Alpha Shapeshifter were amazing!

So, we finally find out what Crowley has over Samuel and it is Mary. No points for guessing.

It’s time for Operation Get Sam’s Soul Back! Anyhow, after apparently months of working for Crowley, Sam and Dean finally decide to take matters in their own hands when Meg coerces them to give her Crowley’s location.

Sam tricks Cas into helping them and TFW gets Crowley’s location from Samuel. So TFW along with Meg and her three two henchmen (who get killed before the adventure can really get started) meet up at a warehouse Crowley is using as his office for Project Purgatory. They get in but they get cornered by hell hounds when Meg decides to stay back and fight the hell hounds off so TFW can get to Crowley. They are on their way when Cas gets blasted away as they realise Samuel double-crossed them.

Sam and Dean get imprisoned but they escape, rescue Meg and corner Crowley. Sam asks Crowley to give him his soul back and Crowley admits he can’t do it. Just as Meg is moving in for the kill, Crowley gets the upper hand, breaks the devil’s trap, and pushes Sam and Dean against the walls. Only for Cas to appear with Crowley’s bones and after Crowley admits he can’t put Sam’s soul back, Cas burns Crowley’s bones, apparently killing Crowley.

That is the basic plot of the episode which was very well executed, turns out Samuel is going to live to see soulful Sam. Samuel has a messed up relationship with his grandsons. He decides to hand them over to Crowley for the possibility of Mary and I like how Dean puts it, it isn’t Samuel choosing Mary over Sam and Dean, it’s him siding with a demon over his own grandsons. He’s blinded and it’s good to see Dean recognise these patterns as harmful even if only in Samuel.

Samuel: Tell me, what exactly are you supposed to be to me?

Dean: I'll tell you who I am. I'm the guy you never wanna see again. 'Cause I'll make it out of here, trust me. The next time you see me, I'll be there to kill you.

Samuel: Don't think there's gonna be a next time.

Dean: Whatever gets you through the night.

Well, now I guess I have my answer about why they never told Mary they knew her father.

Okay, I think we can all agree Cas and Crowley orchestrated this entire thing. Cas conveniently gets blasted away before they even get to Crowley and only appears at the very end with Crowley’s bones to boot. Of course, this is a fake out and a turning point, Cas has finally implicated himself.

Dean and Cas in this episode are definitely better off than the awfulness of 6x07 - “Family Matters”. This episode is all about supportive Dean because the moment Cas mentions that he might me in trouble with what’s happening in Heaven, Dean immediately offers help. Even the scene in which Cas explains that putting back Sam’s soul could be less than ideal, Dean’s listening and instead of demanding stuff from Cas he asks for help, he assumes repsonsibilty. He doesn’t use “you”, he says “we” and that’s a hell of a tonal shift from their last conversation together. The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end actually starts with Dean saying “Thank You” and Cas immediately parts with a piece of the truth but the moment Dean offers help, Cas shuts that down. After all, the whole point of what Cas is doing is to ensure Dean can have the life he wants. But, all in all, it’s good to see Dean move on from the pain and frustration he’s been feeling and truly realise he isn’t alone and that he has friends and family.

Of course, that doesn’t last long as this is followed by Sam admitting he thinks he is better off without his soul.

Well, but Dean’s not giving him a choice for his own good but it does bring into light how bad the codependency has gotten thanks to soulless Sam.

I wanted to avoid talking about this but I guess I have to.

Megstiel.

Okay, I got why the kiss happened but personally for me it just felt like a distraction like the lovely assistants in a magic trick. They pull your attention away from the real deal and that’s what this is. Meg and Cas seem to have a lot of implied sexual tension between them, I mean all their scenes are practically caged heat but it doesn’t feel like anything more than a diversion. Their relationship however is not over and it is going to undergo further developments in the coming seasons.

For now, I can’t wait for the next episode. It’s time Sam got his soul back.

[bae-leth]

... what am I supposed to do with all these Fraldarddyds, then? Leave them on the floor???

Jokes aside, hm I don't really know who to ship Bylad with other than the teachers? The Blue Lions screenshot showed him having no S ranks with the guys (rip lmao) so I'm stuck there. Seteth would be nice, but I'm not getting my hopes up :(

I'm just uhhh going to turn this into a general shippy post.

Caspar/Linhardt: IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THESE TWO FOR SO LONG AND IT'S KILLING ME!!! Best friends to lovers?? Caspar being shorter than Lin pre timeskip, and then getting big swole and getting taller than him? Opposites attract??? Ikesoren vibes??? I'm so SOFT for these two I'm actually going to break my own kneecaps... They're so good... I saw this art today and I genuinely sobbed for a good few minutes.... I'm so soft for them.... pls I'm begging you all. If you have anything casperhardt just send it in. I don't care if it's a stick figure drawing just SEND it IN. I can't WAIT to do headcanons of my SONS whom I LOVE with ALL MY HEART

Bylass/Manuela: Bylass being a disaster lesbian is a headcanon you will pry from my cold, dead hands. Imagine Manuela lamenting about not having a husband and Bylass is just like 'well, you might not have a husband, but SOON you will have a LOVELY WIFE. AKA ME.' Manuela is swooning

Bylass/Catherine: You know that one painting where a woman is gazing lovingly up at another woman with a sword? That's them. That's definitely them.

Dimitri/Claude: So much potential with this one! The light/dark parallels... sun/moon..... Claude watching as Dimitri transforms from the cheerful prince pre timeskip to the broken man afterwards and wanting to save him..... even a howl's moving castle au honestly.... wow I'm soft for them. Wow

Edelgard/Petra: they look good together! and what better way to unite two nations than through... Love....

Edelgard/Dorothea: this probably stems from that one Edelthea fic I read ages ago, but the thought of these two being good friends and wanting more, yet having no clue about how to go about it? Edel being flustered when Dorothea sings to her?? *chef's kiss* wonderful

Ingrid/Dorothea: tfw you see a girl being pursued by a man whom you Know is disgusting, and you do everything in your power to protect her from him.... maybe ... feelings.... again I'm just Soft

I'm a gigantic multishipper, so I'm game for lots of things, really. (e.g. today I had a blast reading a couple of claurenz fics, before realising that... claurenz..... I was actually considering claurenz..... hhhhhhh my gooo)

[tinkdw]

How do you see the jack storyline differentiate from tje amara

Jack’s story is a mirror for Sam and going to be mostly revolving around him (and Cas, as Cas’s arc had been low key in the background too through Dean’s arcs in s11-12 and still is open). Whereas Amara’s storyline was based around Dean and revolved around his character arc, being a romantic mirror for Cas from the moment she kissed him (seriously, her story then immediately starts revolving around Cas, it’s great) and revealing Dean’s feelings both for Cas and about himself - see all my Amara meta for that, just search #amara on my blog.

I wrote a couple of long posts about how Chuck and Amara were expositions to Cas and Dean’s feelings respectively and how Amara and by proxy Mary after she resurrected her were going to be the catalyst for the deconstruction of performing!dean which they were.

Dean’s self acceptance arc is nearly at a close, he had his confrontation and closure on his past with Mary, there will no doubt be remnants left but overall he is kind of sorted.

Therefore Jack and Lucifer should now be the catalysts for Sam’s self forgiveness arc and Cas’s self worth arc.

Sam needs to face the mistakes of his past, his wrongly placed self assurance around Ruby, the demon blood, Lucifer etc in order to then forgive himself. Mary started this path for him through Ramiel and the textual example of her saying in direct terms that it is HER fault that all this happened to Sam in the first place. Now Sam has to accept his own mistakes too but also accept where the things that happened were not his fault and he can move forwards as the leader and good person he truly is without the baggage.

Jacks storyline, as a direct mirror to Sam will enable this and also help with Sam addressing the fact that Jack doesn’t have to do what is expected of him by Lucifer and can make his own choices - clear parallels with himself there.

With Cas, well, hopefully Jack will be his hero arc- enabling Cas to have the win he so desperately needs. OR he won’t be and will prove the Cas that he doesn’t need this in order to be worthy of family, love etc. But honestly right now I’m more in the positive hero mind frame, unless they say that they are going to really drag this out for many more seasons… Jack was Cas’s personal redemption arc for what he believes he did wrong since season 6, this will continue forwards, whichever way it goes Jack will be central to what I believe will be Cas’s happy endgame of self worth, belonging with the Winchesters and being Human.

Jack and his rejection of Lucifer (and hopefully working alongside TFW to definitively defeat him) will help Cas with his own arc of self worth and belonging with the Winchesters, the found family and rejection of Angels theme. His story will blatantly also further all the Destiel as, well, clearly there will be loads more Destiel in s13 and Jack will be central to that whole season’s plot so… yeah he will be very relevant to this.

I mean, the biggest give away so far is the romantic trope of the separation at this point, right after Dean has just realised big *things* about himself, and how Jack’s birth led to the amazing culmination of this trope with Cas’s death. I mean you can’t get much more of a separation and “black moment” than that!

Jack’s storyline will also probably lead to all this and eventually for me Cas choosing to be Human.

So yeah - in my opinion Amara was all about Dean’s character arc and Jack will be all about Sam and Cas’s…

[aximili]

everything with a seven in it. and then 82.

omfg jesus 

7. Do you have any pets?

my baby girl my angel moxie. shes not my dads cat really. shes mine in my heart 

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

uhhhhh godrey gao. nah lmao honestly i dont know... tfw ive never been in a serious relationship. partially because i just have trouble seeing myself being coupley with anyone, so i guess... someone who didnt feel the need to be coupley. yeah, i guess, someone who doesn’t have a set of expectations they require for a relationship? whos just chill. and good at communicating 

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

i would like to be a well known writer because i love validation? but certainly not the level of celebrity where people watch your every move, that seems terrifying. just like, it would be cool for my work to have a fandom, i guess, is my biggest dream 

37. Favorite swear word? 

its not really a swearword but “wank” is a good one isn’t it. you can apply lots of things to it. its not too gross of a word but it has enough like, disdain and expletiveness to it 

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

i bought some fancyboy shoes for work that cost £80 i think, so that must be it 

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

normally a long time because i loll about doing nothing. but if i’m late for work i’ve gotten from bed to door in 10 minutes before 

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? 

definitely not. im gonna try. 

... i got to 27 and my mind went blank. there were definitely a few in there that im not sure if they’re states or cities. im gonna look it up and see if i forgot any notable ones. ...i forgot washington, lol. but the other ones i forgot were kinda places that i dont know anything about 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no, i don’t think i’d be able to because asthma. being underwater makes me quite nervous, so i don’t rly think i’d enjoy it

71. What makes you nervous?

fffucking, everything omg

72. Are you scared of the dark?

sometimes? i’ve kinda grown out of it but if im in a freaked out mood i haaaaate it 

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

it depends. like if someone makes a spelling mistake in an irrelevant circumstance, why would i, that would just be a douchebag move. if i’m sure someone’s wrong about a fact in a debate, then yeah, i generally can’t resist 

74. Are you ticklish?

yes i hate it

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

ok so when i was in year 4 or 5 i stayed back in a classroom and 2 teachers didn’t notice me and started chatting, not in like, a salacious way, but they were like laughing and talking like actual adults and not like in teacher mode. and i had never encountered such a thing and to impress my friend afterwards, i inexplicably decided to bump things up and said they had been kissing. then my friend like IMMEDIATELY ran to one of the TAs and told her about it, and the TA took it very seriously and said oh they shouldn’t have done that in front of you in the workplace,  i’m going to have a word, and i freaked the fuck out and immediately told her i’d been lying. and that was the last time i started a rumour. 

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

i was going to answer with some joke about being the captain of some school team or something but i literally don’t think i’ve ever even done that

77. Have you ever drank underage?

other than like sips, i actually never did! i was a very good kid. me and my school best friend did that pretty typical thing where at like 13 we vowed we would never drink and do drugs like the other kids at school, and then she of course actually turned into someone with a life, and had parties with drinking, and i didn’t and felt very resentful. so i very purposefully only drank for the first time on my 18th birthday 

78. Have you ever done drugs?

nope 

79. Who was your first real crush?

lgbt solidarity is looking back at your childhood and realising that person who you were fervently obsessed with was actually a crush. i had a friend in y6 who i really admired and she was cleverer, more athletic, and prettier than anyone else in our class and i used to obsess over impressing her and fantasised about rescuing her from danger LMAOOO 

82. How fast can you type?

pretty fast. lets do a test. i got 82 wpm 

87. Do you keep a journal?

no, but i’ve been meaning to start one up again! i have a diary from my childhood that i used to just fill in every few months or years, and i’d always be talking to my past and future selves. idk where it is but i hope i still have it. 

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

i mean like we probably all are descended from royalty in some way arent we? lmao but no as far back as i know, my ancestors were farmers 

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 12x12 “Stuck In The Middle (With You)”

well THIS is some delightfully interesting bullshit right here

06:43

frankly i am not ready and i don’t think i will ever be ready

i saw some shit on instagram and i went from being “scared but interested” to HYPED and now i’m scared again

i just want cas to come out of this okay

like that’s what i’m here for, just cas being alive and loved (by dean. but also sam and mary)

-

06:48

*DEEP BREATHS*

-

06:50

mr ketch is definitely cute, in a murderous stephen fry kind of way

-

06:52

cas: “cheese isn’t a carbohydrate”

i guess cas read up on the ketchup vs vegetables debate

give me a nutritionist!cas au stat

-

06:54

cas: “sunrise special please”

CAS IS SUNSHINE

also flustered under mandy’s attention BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS A BOYFRIEND

RIGHT

RIGHT???

-

06:55

guess sam’s magic wifi hair doesn’t work any more

-

06:56

what i have learned here is that dean is turned on by the smell of food

give me cas bathing himself in strawberry syrup before bed

-

06:57

obviously there’s something else going on but right now it kind of looks like mary’s uncomfortable with either a) using mandy as part of a plan, or b) dean instructing his boyfriend to go flirt with someone else

edit: probably more like uncomfortable that they’re trying to make cas flirt and not focusing on the issue at hand

-

06:59

CAS SNIFFING PEOPLE

OH GOD CAS YOU’RE SO INAPPROPRIATE AND SO UNAWARE OF IT

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

sidenote, cas was the only one who didn’t get screentime when mary asked if everyone understood the plan

-

07:01

DEAN: “MY SHY BUT DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME FRIEND”

OKAY THAT’S CANON

GUYS THAT JUST HAPPENED DEAN JUST DESCRIBED CAS AS DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME

CONTEXT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THOSE WORDS CAME OUT OF DEAN’S MOUTH

-

07:03

dean: “when do you get off?”

mandy: “whenever i can”

woooowwwww go mandy

also i’m so concerned for cas right now DID HE CONSENT TO BEING USED AS A HONEY TRAP I DON’T THINK SO

HE HASN’T SAID A WORD ON THIS

edit: mandy wasn’t even part of the plan ?? i’m ????

-

07:05

DID I JUST SEE A BLACK GUY DIE FIRST

///SQUINTS REALLY HARD

-

07:06

and then a white guy BUT THEN THE (asian? native american?) LADY

AAAND WE’RE BACK TO ZERO REPRESENTATION

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

ARE THEY ACTUALLY KIDDING LIKE

DO THEY EVEN SEE THE ISSUE

DOES ANYONE MAKING THIS SHOW EVEN REALISE WHAT THEY’RE DOING

fuck 

y’know i’m just gonna have to let this go right now because i can’t even comprehend how ferociously problematic this show is

i just wanna enjoy it for my fave characters and i can’t do that unless i bundle the problems into a box and forget about them for now

-

07:09

still thinking about it though

this is trump’s america, where problematic bad things happen so often and with zero time to process that you just get to the point where it’s like “oh great another social apocalypse, must be thursday”

-

07:12

“the wounded angel” // “earlier”

i feel like i’ve watched a movie like this (certainly a lot of tv show episodes clearly all based on the same source material)

pulp fiction or something idk

something bizarre and character-action-driven that doesn’t make a lot of sense until the end

-

07:14

AW MAN THAT SLOW MOTION WALKING SHOT IS GONNA MAKE A REALLY GOOD GIF

THANK YOU GABRIEL RICHARD SPEIGHT JR

-

07:20

IS THAT YELLOW EYES

WHAT

WHAT WHAT WHAT

-

07:21

nOOOOOO CAS 

NOBODY HARPOONS MY BABY AND LIVES

except dean, who stabbed him first, married him later

-

07:21

YYYEEEEEEE MARY SAVING CAS WITH THE CAR

-

07:23

and while mary and sam are talking about yellow-eyes, dean is smothering cas in kisses and magic healing tears, yes? yes

-

07:26

WOW WAS THAT FLIRTY LOOK DEAN GAVE DIRECTED AT CAS

I THINK SO

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE THO

-

07:26

i watched that bit again I THINK DEAN WAS SIGNALLING TO CAS THAT MANDY’S RESPONSE WAS A POSITIVE THING

aaaah the people who subtly and automatically support autistic friends are the best

also why is dean so determined to get cas to like other people?? CAN’T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT CAS IS ALL YOURS AND WILL FOREVER BE YOURS

-

07:30

is this glowing yellow thing from the safe gonna be a hand of god or whatever

-

07:32

the men of letters are labelled as “hobbits” in mary’s phone

-

07:34

crowley arrives. “you idiots. you’re all going to die.”

@ people who voted for trump

-

07:35

mary: “touch me and i’ll kill you”

things everyone ought to say to crowley (and trump)

-

07:35

CROWLEY CALLED CAS FEATHERS

(quietly laughing bc bobby called cas that in my fic Lucid Nightmare which i posted yesterday cough cough shameless plug go read it if you haven’t already)

-

07:39

“name’s crowley, king of the crossroads”

DJFJGF THE CUCKOO IN THE BACKGROUND

(ba dum tiss)

-

07:43

ramiel (sp?) gives crowley the throne of hell

OH HEY LOOK AT THAT they just filled in a narrative gap that’s been empty for years

-

07:47

crowley: “hey, i was growing fond of the choirboy too”

was that a lowkey “cas is gay” joke??

-

mmmm yes give me dean so concerned about cas his voice goes all breathy

-

07:52

“three humans with one good liver between them, and a busted up angel”

:/

that team free will season 12 aesthetic

-

07:53

WHEN WILL THE WINCHESTERS STOP THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION

THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW

-

07:55

okay but cas grunting in pain is kind of sexy in a way god help me

my faves being sick and dying is okay so long as they pull through and someone Cares About Them a lot

-

07:57

“the things we’ve shared together, they’ve changed me”

cas looks at dean when he says “they’ve changed me”

;a;

-

07:58

“i love you”

i cry

i CRY

CAS

and THE FACT THE REACTION SHOT IS ONLY DEAN

WOW

thanks richard speight jr that decision was an a++ decision

-

the slow zoom in on dean

i’m sweating

and shaking

help

-

08:00

............i just realised i’m watching this under the assumption that cas is getting out of this alive

DEAR GOD IF HE DOESN’T MAKE IT

OH NO

OH NO WHAT IF HE DOESN’T

IS THIS GOOD STORYWRITING AND DIRECTING MAKING ME WORRY OR IS THERE ACTUALLY A DANGER THAT HE MIGHT NOT MAKE IT

SHIT I SHOULD’VE CHECKED TUMBLR FIRST

NOW I DON’T WANT TO

HE’D BETTER FUCKING MAKE IT

MY HEART IS POUNDING I’M SO SCARED

-

08:10

THERE’S 10 MINUTES OF THE EPISODE LEFT, THAT’S ENOUGH TIME TO SAVE HIM RIGHT

-

08:03

“LIKE YOU SAID, YOU’RE FAMILY. AND WE DON’T LEAVE FAMILY BEHIND”

that look dean and cas share, cas’ eyes are wet

THAT WAS DEAN SAYING “I LOVE YOU TOO”

OH GOD

-

08:03

THEY ALL LOVE CAS SO MUCH THIS IS SO SATISFYING

SO MANY YEARS WE’VE ALL BEEN SO FRUSTRATED WITH HOW THEY TREAT CAS 

THIS IS GOOD

BUT HE’D BETTER NOT FREAKING DIE

-

08:09

black goop again

SOMEONE’S GONNA HELP CAS RIGHT

LIKE HE’S GONNA BE FINE RIGHT

PLEASE

PLEASE

-

08:10

C

R

O

W

L

E

Y

-

like i never thought i’d say this but

thank you crowley

thank you so, so much

oh 

god

i’m

dying

thank

-

08:11

I DEMAND THAT DEAN SMOTHERS CAS IN KISSES RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

-

08:12

i just

i want dean to go up behind cas and softly press his cheek between cas’ shoulder blades and wrap his arms around cas’ waist and breathe in deeply

oh god i’m so relieved

i can’t imagine what dean’s feeling

soMEONE CUDDLE CAS OH GOD HE NEEDS SO MANY CUDDLES

-

08:14

OKAY BUT

I JUST REALISED

what the fuck was all the stuff with cas flirting with mandy about

dean saying he was looking for “teachable moments”

DEAN YOU CAN’T TEACH CAS TO LIKE GIRLS

HE LIKES YOU, YOU HOPELESS LITTLE SHIT

i guess maybe that was the point of this narrative, cas will always choose team free will, dean pretends cas isn’t in love but GODDAMN HE IS

edit: or maybe dean’s not actually trying to make cas interested, he’s legit just trying to teach cas how flirting works, and what a positive response is?? and mandy just happened to be there and flirty. i mean, sure, i’ll go with that. quick question though, why didn’t dean just flirt with cas himself, like in all the fanfics, that would be better

-

08:16

mr ketch is kinda crosseyed

cute

-

08:17

CAS IS ONE OF MARY’S BOYS

HALLELUJAH

-

08:18

mr ketch is so fluffy-haired and cute i don’t know what to do

i hate him

but he’s smol

idk idk idk

-

08:19

wait wait it’s the colt

where was the colt supposed to be

heck

-

08:19

(real life interrupts)

ooh there’s lightning outside!! eee

the power may go out at any moment though, that’s the downside

IT’S MEANT TO BE SUMMER and all we’ve had is rain

(okay back to the show)

-

08:21

is that pellegrino!lucifer, i recognise the voice

-

08:22

yes it is

WELL THEN

-

08:22

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOY

where to start

that was.... a lot of stuff

firsTLY CAS MADE IT OUT ALIVE AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM AND HE LOVES HIS FAMILY I’M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA (actually no you probably know exactly how happy i am. if you’re reading this, you probably agree)

BUT LIKE

WOW THIS SHOW NEEDS A SELF-REVIEW ON NOT KILLING CHARACTERS OF COLOUR

mandy made it out alive, and she had a name, a speaking part, and a character, so that’s +1 for everything

BUT... look i don’t think i even need to say it again, it’s a Problem

(my thoughts: here, and here)

i’ve never watched any other show with such a huge fucking issue with this

that aside, i think i just need to mostly ignore that specific problem until they fix it, because if i just focus on the bad shit i’m never gonna wanna watch the show again, and the characters are really important to me so i’ll come back anyway

LET’S FOCUS ON HOW INTERESTING THIS EPISODE WAS

and how well-formed and well-paced it was

AND HOW CAS DIDN’T FUCKING DIE HORRIBLY

and how i was actually legit terrified for a couple minutes

physically sweating with heart pounding

that was cool

9/10 probably

still confused about mandy and cas, that wasn’t necessary. same with dean and the lady in the bar last episode. as much as i’d love to see the “i love yous” in this episode as romantic between dean and cas, they clearly were only meant to be 50% romantic, interpreted whichever way the viewer prefers. so the showrunners are maybe adding in sidenote heterosexual elements that objectively mean nothing, but for those who like to see tfw as HetroStraight (TM), the info is just... there. but it’s not possible eradicate the bisexual/demi-asexual loVEFEST THAT’S BEEN BREWING FOR 9 YEARS THAT’S DEFINITELY THERE AND IS DEFINITELY ROMANTIC AND HAS BEEN ALL ALONG AND WILL ALWAYS BE, DESPITE SNEAKY HALF/HALF MAKE-UP-YOUR-OWN-MIND DIRECTING AND SCRIPTING

to be fair though, i’m learning a lot about how creators get the best of both worlds. this is the Bipartisan TV Show. this is the same way donald fucking trump and kellyanne fucking conway and all the other politics snake people manage to fuck everyone over and not answer questions. they present both sides of the argument, each “fact” contradicting the other, and the viewer picks the one they agree with, and explain away the other argument however they like.

which, admittedly, i’m currently doing when it comes to seeing romantic destiel as ever-present, because it’s the only way this show doesn’t make me lose my shit all the time

but I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING, YOU PRIME BULLSHITTERS, YOU

I SEE YOU

I’M NOT HAPPY BUT I’M GONNA KEEP TORTURING MYSELF REGARDLESS BECAUSE YOU’RE PRETTY GOOD AT THIS ~ENTERTAINMENT~ BULLSHIT

BUT I’M TAKING NOTES

[xqr]

LLSIF Things 26: Rate Up?

I don’t know them

JP

Cheers, klab

oh shit ok yeah. Wait, 5 gems? Where do I line up to kiss ur ass

This Honoka is so autumnal 

Is this the best set of rewards I’ve ever received? Probably

I need the G bc I spent so much trying to roll this line up

I didn’t even try to tier for You? But I got her with ease. NICE. 

SHE’S HERE. Smile Aqours? Check. 9% bonus? Check. Years bonus? Check. Scorer? Check. Waifu? Check. What a blessed card. I prefer the unidolised tho. 

Since when did I have 8 STs? Not complaining. Was a nice surprise.

I welcome more Halloween cards

Um? My rate up where? Like cool I can idolise Ruby. New SSR is cool. Is scorer. 

Ah, there’s my rate up. I hate Kanan’s outfit. Those colours...

Blessed image

;n; I hate sacrificing beautiful Panas.

This was alright. There was that one part that I had to train my left finger to hit the centre rather than the right, but yeah, nice easy break.

Bc Pure Girls Project is giving me hell atm. 

Quite a fun beat map. Felt very right.

EN

jesus

byeee. Actually her side story was quite cute

5 DAYS IN. FIVE. I only got a few china dress bonuses up to this point.

And in the CF after they’re trying to make it up to me

bless u, silver reward

tfw u get 1 silver in the whole thing :(

do u ever use a gem and not realise u were about to rank up and then have to get rid of 225 LP? Sometimes it’s tough being rank 200+

smashed it lads. I hit T1 p early on with Super Love=Super Live (the highest note song for cool) and managed to stay there. Rip Helix who was just pushed out of T1 (and who got there with Nico Puri, the highest note song of the ChaFest). So kids, let this be a lesson that having an extra 51 notes in ur song means nothing if you don’t have a lv4 scorer UR in ur team. 

Interestingly this is the highest I’ve scored on a single song in any CF or Token event across servers. So, suck EN’s cool dick, JP. Feels good to have EN beat JP in something for once. 

...she’s a smile UR with a 3rd years bonus. She would do just fine...

rate up where??? And I can’t even idolise this Kanan bc she’s spread out across accounts. :( 

You-chan, I love u. You’re so, like...me.

No messing around this time. I cracked out the PL team to make sure this got done.

Helix

oooh

Was it the cheerleader bonus that gave the ST? We will never know.

Now that’s a proper round 5 set of rewards.

PROPER.

CAN U BELIEVE I RAN OUT OF G??

I sold around 300 Kiss skills. Now we loaded again

If I had a love gem for every time I got RinPana, RinMaki, or MakiPana I would be a rich man. This was the only 1st yrs bonus on either account. AND I COULDN’T EVEN MAKE USE OF IT BC I HAD TO SLEEP

Me: why is this scorer lv1 still? Change that

This whole time I was debating whether I should use 500 R seals to idolise a UR. But then I noticed I had more than enough in SR seals. And in my excitement I forgot that I’d agreed to idolise Dia...

Stunning. One of the best URs out there

when u hit 50 gems and any scouting plans u might have had Angel Mari go out the window and u hit the button

Ah, now there’s a rate up SSR! 

Not to name names, but the previous owner of Helix idolised this Ruby and didn’t even max bond her for the gem. Finally, I am able to rectify this properly.

I was looking up who gets to be sacrificed on Helix (there are some ‘rules’ as such about who has to stay) and I was like I fuckin forgot I had this Maki?? Like I never made the connection I could skill up?

I didn’t even mean to pick these two gays from the same set to sacrifice together.

Join us next time when another UR will be....idolised! That’s all. We can’t be promising good scouts.  Helix’s most recent UR - May JP’s most recent UR - Nozomi’s birthday less than 10 days ago EN’s most recent UR - January

Will it be time for EN to get a smile UR???

[xqr]

LLSIF Things 15: New Direction Edition

Can’t be disappointed when u don’t get best girl’s new UR if you don’t scout for it

JP

Not too bad

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOO. But Klab why didnt u use her UR?

tfw u can only afford 1

As I have Hanayo already, and Maki on EN there were only 3 to choose from. As pretty as Kotori is, I prefer Eli overall. I also like to pretend I have Pool Eli eue”

New month, new skill ups in the shop

HOO +1160

Swap Mirai Ticket for Hand in Hand and I would have had the optimal line up. This was the first time I used the reroll option and it paid off. It got me back into T3 for the song score.

5 gems. Standard. As for the MF ranks; I smashed all my friends on the song ranks again (T2) but fell out of points T2 rip. Literally 120 points and I would have had idolised Kanan too. Just a few more FC’d MFs and I’d have her rip.

Guessed the new Mari would be pure. I’m not a fan of this set but I have new scouting rules (rambling about that at the end). This was a great pull tho. Got all the new cards apart from the UR. I GOT YOUUUUU!! I love her.

And enough for a BT! I don’t have this Honk so that’s cool. Shame she’s a healer.

looooooool wtf was that. I knew the SIFAC songs would be hard but boy I wasn’t sure I’d survive. And with no gems as incentive I’ll only be playing the others out of pride.

christ those numbers lel. never again

After FC’ing the new Masters and bonding Maru I had enough to pull again! I wanted to idolised something and it’s You!!! YESSS GOOD. Also woo Mijuku Dreamer Mari gets to idolise too :D

And with those pulls I could afford another promo. Kotori is clearly the prettiest so there we go.

EN

smashed it

good enough

When the Kill Bill sirens go off when the pure Nico R flies out but then u realise it’s the wrong server. Pls turn up on JP

Helix

Been trying to get all those Rs I managed to get back down to exactly 0 friend points.

What was this? The only full combo for the Helix account during the whole MF? Probably.

Me: dark Klab give me any R that I haven’t max levelled or bonded Klab: here’s a Hanayo we know u like them Me: fair enough

Eventually I scouted enough Umi Rs to get her seal (Y).

Excuse me i have over 100LP why can’t I used the 100LP one??

EN vs Helix: Guilty Night, Guilty Kiss

Having become a lot better at the game on a small screen combined with an easier event song I knew that this time I wouldn’t get away with EN’s team beating out the Helix. The only reason EN won last time was bc I couldn’t consistently FC Kururin on the phone and as I was friend-point hungry I wasn’t fussing around with picking a matching friend centre skill each time.

So, I’m sure it will be evident as to why EN gets buttblasted. Here is EN’s team:

Lots of Hanayos make me happy but that lack of UR centre.

Here’s the Helix team:

5 URs?? Absolutely rekt m8. I mean last time I hadn’t levelled Xmas Eli so EN managed to beat a 4 UR team that couldn’t FC. But this time... rip. (Edit: I should also mention that during Kururin Helix was deficient in SIS like some cards didn’t even have all their slots full)

I SS’d all the results from Easy up to EX so if u’ve read this far might as well just show all

I didn’t keep track of which guest centres I used for each one, but it’s evident that Helix trumps all. Even that 1 good on Normal didn’t drop the score. But you know there was always a chance I wouldn’t FC the EX on a phone.

hmu with those 300 tokens each time. I’d like to congratulate EN on getting 16 greats on both versions. On the regular EX I used optimised guest centres and non-optimised for the EXR. Tiers for the songs have changed as of this event (I literally just remembered) and I’d say EN T3/Helix T2:

Other

Basically my scouting plans have changed. The Helix plans are pretty simple: SHINY!! Any card I love aesthetically. So currently Christmas You is the next scout.

As for EN and JP, I made some ‘tables’ to help me:

These are the cards I’d like to run as my centres. Turns out my rampant Hanayo scouting on both servers have meant I should run similar teams on both servers. But EN is a bit more flexible atm.

However, my main priority for JP atm is getting tricolour Aqours URs. I already have a cool Riko, so I’m scouting for any Smile/Pure Aqours URs that turn up. But if any of the 4 URs above are in limited boxes then I’ll go for them too (but only if Honoka is in a Printemps box and Hanayo & Maki are in a 1st years box preferably).

On EN my priority before moving onto Aqours is to secure any Muse Smile UR. I’d love to get the ugly Ani2 Honk, but as EN doesn’t appear to have moved onto rate up limited boxes I doubt I’ll be going for it.

So we have this other handy chart:

All the scorers that would go nicely with my chosen centres. Very similar once again. Which means EN will be scouting for Pool2 Honk in the next event. Sadly this probably means I won’t be able to scout for Hanamaru. :( But the smile team needs a UR. I have a Pure You on EN so Hanamaru’s not even necessary to kickstart the Aqours team.

And now for some more purchases:

This swap was completely forgotten last time. They both look p good. Honoka reminds me of someone?

I bought this Eli off someone on fb. P sure it’s a bootleg tho. She’s not meant to come with a stage? The paint job’s a bit off in places too. She still cute tho

And to end:

don’t talk to me or my wife or my wife or my wife or my wife or my wife again