#telling myself that i wont date anyone every again that wont show interest in me and my interests

[kings-highway]

pre-relationship bullshit haikyuu teams probably had to put up with before various ships managed to get their shit together

daisuga probably was really annoying with like small/petty jealousy, like a girl would hit on one of them and the other would be standing behind their back making faces about it and mocking it and everyone else on the team just has to put up with it. and then theyre all overly sweet to each other to make up for the petty jealousy or some odd version of "winning them back" after the flirting event and the team is rolling their eyes *so hard*

i think asanoya is so annoying bc nobody can convince Asahi that Noya likes him. Like full stop. Eventually someone pulls him aside and is point blank like "Noya said he has a crush on you ask him out" and Asahi is just like: "Haha he was probably joking" and just leaves the scene. Like the absolute refusal to believe it from Asahi combined with Noya's classic teen boy inability to be sincere means that even after theyve both been told they somehow still havent gotten together??? how long is this going to take???

tsukkiyama probably ruins everyone's week the week before they get together bc one of them *saw* a confession letter stuck into the other's bag and absolutely went (emotionally) off the rails for the days leading up to them discovering it was for them.

I am fully of the camp that iwaoi start dating before they label it/make it official so the whole team is screaming like "PLEASE HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT" meanwhile Oikawa is saying "we just went on a few dates and kissed a few times it doesnt mean anything" and Iwa is in the background shouting "yeah I dont wanna be anyone's boyfriend that's lame" and then they wander off to go eat dinner together holding hands and the team is left in frustration because ALL they talk about is how theyre *not* in a relationship.

for bokuaka its mostly just Bokuto pestering every goddamn person he knows for like 4 months asking "do you think Akaashi likes me?" or "do you think he'd say yes if I asked him out?" and then one day making Konoha *snap* when he says "I need to tell you a secret" and the secret is that he has a crush on Akaashi as if nobody had known that

with ushiten I imagine Tendou was probably really obvious with his crush/interest but in like a very casual "not taking myself too seriously" kind of way so he's comfortable openly flirting, and Ushijima, against everyone's expectations, doesnt seem to mind the attention but is still who he is, so the whole team just has to put up with the most INSANE interactions. Like Tendou walks into the locker room and cat calls him and Ushijima just replies with a formal "thank you" and Semi is contemplating slamming his head in a locker. There's like 12 months of this.

okay okay but I think arankita is *very classic* in that Aran compensates for his crush by over-supporting Kita. so like the whole team gets super annoyed bc Aran wont risk disagreeing with him, is always offering to do extra work, is generally just sucking-up really badly and the twins suffer the most for this bc Aran used to just ignore their antics but now he's super annoyingly on them all the time to try and impress Kita

kuroken is a little different. Yaku asks Kuroo every single day if he's asked Kenma out yet. Lev asks Kenma if he has a crush on Kuroo every chance he gets. Fukunaga gives them a wink when they leave practice to walk home together. This is the only pairing in which the team is the irritant pre-relationship and then post-relationship everyone loses interest and moves on.

I'd include kagehina but once again the entire goddamn show is everyone putting up with them flirting so whats the point.

[acidremnants]

Im being emo in the tags ignore ignore ignore

[azurlily]

Hello! May I ask for stalker/pervert yumeko x fem!reader (sfw And nsfw)

OH HO HO!! YES Y E S YESSSS!!! Sorry I haven't been active, mental health and all, but I'm doing somewhat better and this is one of the first I'm working on to get a good bit of stuff outta my drafts. This isn't all that dark, but I'm still giving a warning. Also(to anyone that actually reads these) this started stalkerish and developed into yandere territory. I apologize, but I couldn't help myself. CNC is briefly mentioned but not gone over.

Stalker!Yumeko Jabami x Fem!reader

Now, this is a somewhat unlikely situation. Yet, somehow, it still happened. So how did this even start, why is Yumeko following you home, why does she get all antsy when she cant be around you?

So many questions, so few answers. The only way to truly get Yumekos attention is to stand out. Not in a way she has already seen before, so there are few ways to do that.

You could have beaten her in a gamble, the higher the stakes the more interested she is. You could have possibly been a kind, and genuinely good person. People like that aren't seen as much at Hyakkaou, so it be someone she is very much interested in. Maybe you're a masochist and you lost to Yumeko, seeing you happy to lose would definitely turn her on and interest her...as long as you're not creepy like Midari.

Anyway, despite whatever peaked her interest about you...yeah you're hers now. So have fun. Yumeko is the last person you'd want to defy, I mean...have you met the girl? At first she isn't obvious about her recognition of you. No, she watches you, she even has others watch you for her. You, wether you're oblivious or not, will still notice odd behavior from those around you.

Maybe some of those ruder to you are nicer, maybe vice versa. It doesn't matter, you're going to realise at some point you're being tailed. When you do, that's when the icy hot hell that is Yumeko Jabami makes me debute to you. Or well second debute.

Before you learn all about her "nefarious" plans and she's still watching you creepily. She goes after you, in more ways than one. She watches you leave ethe bathroom, and go in. Yumeko just wants to make sure you're not being privately bullied...that's all.

She also follows you home, maybe she'll buy(just a reminder Yumeko is rich as hell) a car. One that looks like an everyday car, or an exact copy of one that lives near your house. You wouldn't suspect seeing your neighbors car right behind you...right?

Yumeko is fucking crazy, let's put that out there. I've more than likely said it once, but I'll say it again if needed. She. is. crazy. So after she's is caught stalking you, she wont lie. She'll tell you straight up, she's in love, well her idea of love. Her fucked up, disgusting idea of love. Yumeko is very blunt, she explains her intentions and what she wants. At least what she things she wants.

Whether you choose to date her or not essentially decides the outcome of your little interaction. Saying yes, immediately fucks you over, she no longer has to hide her stalker tendencies. Saying no, well she'll pretend she didn't hear it and the next day at school Yumeko announces your relationship.

She's also very touchy(yes, she's a pervert too) she likes putting her hand up your skirt and will smile. Yumeko likes to hig you from behind, why? Because that means she can touch your tits. Big or small, nonexistent or very obviously existant. She loves your chest, she love you, and therefore any and every part of you.

She likes to show you off, by that I mean she'll kiss and love on you while she's gambling. You just look so cute to her, shaking and looking away in embarrassment.

I feel like Yumeko as a stalker is giving her yandere tendencies, but toned down. She goes from stalker to the well known term: crazy girlfriend. She needs you round all the time, she cant gamble without you. She can't walk home without you, she hates leaving you.

You're her lucky charm, you make things better. She can talk about her sister, how she really feels. She doesn't always need to smile and act dopey. She can be anything without worry...and if you dislike something she cant just tie you up and have you miss a few school days...

Now, Yumeko is a less than savory person when you think about it. While she does her best to love you in every way she knows. It takes her a while, especially if you said no to dating her at first. She really cant help herself, she wants to show you things...but how can she trust you?

I'd say it takes months before she finally tells you everything, well everything that you didn't know. She trusts you to tell you hoe she really feels, hoe her fucked up mind decided you were her chosen protector.

Even if she was stalking you a lot to begin with. It was all in good faith, I mean look now. You two are inseparable, not that she let's you leave her, but that doesn't matter.

In her eyes, you're perfect, no matter the horrible things she's done. No matter how much she touches you in odd and somewhat disturbing ways. You don't leave, she'd die if you did. Yumeko Jabami, current heiress to the Jabami clan.

She has put so much effort into you, into helping you gamble, helping you with debt, helping you with class work. She cant leave you...and if she has to strike a deal for a student life plan. All to keep your with her. She will.

NSFW CONTENT AHEAD

Sex is something else with her. Yumeko being the person she is, I highly doubt she's a virgin. No, she's had her fair share of men and women. Learning that she was particularly interested in girls help in her decided what to do with her interest in you.

Yumeko knows how to work your body. She puts on the cutesy loving girlfriend act...then eats you until you're trying(and failing) to pull her head away. Yumeko loves oral so this just makes things all the more fun for her.

Now of course just because she favors orla doesn't mean she doesn't like other things. When you two start dating she no longer needs to watch you as you go home...no she can drive you home herself. And she can also make you ride a vibrator the entire ride.

Yumeko loves humiliation(especially the stalker/pervert version of her) the idea of you crying and shaking after you been riding a toy for hours. She's been laughing at the faces you make, the whines, she'll pull on your hair and call you a slut.

Maybe take a few pictures, she loves to look through them during class when she's bored.

Oh, but seeing you all needy in public riles her up too. You're horny in public, maybe at school? Bathroom. She'll fuck you in the stall and then take a picture so she can create and album of you in the future. She likes to write the exact date and time of your little game.

Going back to the humiliation thing, if you end up doing it in a school or public bathroom. Prepare yourself, she taunt and belittle you.

You'll be so shaken up from her fucking you though, you hear very little of what she's saying. Whether that is a blessing or a curse is entirely up to you.

If it wasn't already obvious, one of Yumekos universally favorite things to do is overstimulation. Seeing you beg for mercy(that you will not be getting) after 5 orgasms is the best thing to ever grace her ears. It's an intoxicating sound, keep making it. The more you beg for mercy the longer it'll take for her to even want to stop.

Yumeko is a dominant and sadistic person in general. That goes over to the bedroom too. We see Yumeko get horny off of gambling, so she most definitely does a small coin flip or some form of small gamble.

It could decided whose on top(even though in the end you'll be bent over her knee crying her name), maybe it decides what toys you use, maybe if you win the gamble Yumeko wont punish as hard...

"So good for me, my good girl! Aww, are those tears for me? Thank you, I'm glad you know you place, sweet girl!"

She likes to mix praise in with her degradation. Calling you a mixture of darling, baby, good girl, sweetie, sweet girl, my love, sweetheart, princess(her favorite), ect. She has an extremely large variety of words for you. In and out of bed.

Stalker!Yumeko most definitely has a consent non-consent kink. I am not interested in getting into that unless specifics asked. Do with that information what you will.

Anyway, Yumeko and cat ears are like the ocean and salt. You can't really have one without the other. While Yumeko uses her money to buy you expensive lingerie sets, she also buys you cute costumes.

Maid, puppy, kitty, ect. She will dress you up with dog ears and an anal plug tail, or cat ears and an anal plug cat tail. Maybe even a bunny suit...definitely a bunny suit. Yumeko will also dress up if you ask, anything you want.

If you like the idea of a cute bunny girl dominating you until you (s)cream... Yumeko can and will do everything to set that fantasy up.

Now aftercare with Yumeko is an interesting situation. At first she doesn't know what it is, no matter if she's been with men or women. Top or bottom. She's never understood why she needed to care for someone. Mainly because she never cared for the others like she does you.

Yumeko loves you, therefore she does research into aftercare. Mainly out of fear that you'll slip into sub drop. She does her best with food and comfortable clothes, a warm bath and good television. She knows that isn't all that's required though, she reminds herself that you need to reminded you're loved.

All in all(and I do genuinely believe this) Yumeko is a good lover. Stalker!ver or not. She does love you, Yumeko shows her love to those she cares about. It's different and sometimes weird, and sometimes it's completely stupid and makes her look dumb. She does understand things better than you'd think.

Hi I'm updating again. This is one of the many in my inbox, after I get down to a decent and not so overwhelming number I will begin to open my inbox(commissions will stayed closed. You can request like normal when I open requests again, I'd like to build a bigger platform before I do commissions.

If you want to be told exactly when this comes out I'm now willing to @ you. So just ask in the comments and I will add you for every post after this one.

[the-tiniest-one]

Hello! I saw you asking for requests to be sent in. I was wondering if you could do headcanons for kakashi and gai (separately) with a plus size civilian s/o? Or one or the other? Thank you in advance ❤

MIGHT GUY

SO we all know Guy is ALL about 3 things. Youth. Passion. Protecting Precious People….and guess what? When you happen to cross paths with the Leaf Village’s Blue Beast, he trips over himself to let you know just how PRESH you are.

I don't see your status as a civilian as much of a road block for him. He needs someone grounded and with soft hands to hold.

Someone who will think he’s the strongest man in the world, a superhero.

He protects the ones he loves with his life and once you're in that circle there is no way out of this man’s giant heart.

You somehow enter Guy’s line of sight, maybe on a walk to class or work too early in the morning…. and from that moment you pass by and he catches sight of your pretty face, he is out for the count.

Now. Lets remember….Guy is CONFIDENT (sometimes more in spirit than in actual ability, he is the fake-it-till-you-make-it KING).

Also important to note: Guy is NOT the same as Rock Lee in his pursuit of women. He’s not about to blow every kiss at you from the jump or shamelessly confess everything out right. Don't get me wrong, he’s shameless….but Guy wants to be seen as someone cool, sexy, a real macho/mighty man... He wants to be slick Kakashi his eternal rival. He’s going to try to be velvety smooth….without success.

He would find any excuse to be in your eye line while flexing or saving a poor disguised student he employed for his contrived scheme, in this case... Neji or Lee in a dress from falling off a building LOL. (“They would be asking him to please explain again how this is training?”)------You might be a civilian. But Genjutsu of that level does NOT work on you LOL.

You are the one to finally introduce yourself to a slumped and defeated Guy after about a week of his adorable attempts at trying to bate you in with his goober acts.

“Hello, my name is (y/n). I was hoping maybe you would like to get a drink sometime?” you say with a half smile.

He would raise his head, teeth BEAMING….the power of youth always prevails!

Best. Decision. Ever. Guy charming and not to mention SHREDDED.

When he accepts your date offer, He would stand and grin, maybe saying something a little cocky like; “A handsome, war hardened devilish shinobi such as myself will always find time to satiate the voracious desires of such a heavenly woman so bursting with the essence springtime.”

He would be so so so respectful.

That being said, you're HIGH AF if you think you aren't making a B-line to walk by Kakashi on the way so Guy can tactfully walk by loudly so that his rival notices he’s with a cute girl.

He’s going to be the chivalrous type. The kind of man who makes sure your hands are around his giant bicep whenever he escorts you anywhere….which from this point on is almost anytime he is home from missions or not training.

Guy is perfect. He’s tall, JACKED, and such a sweet loving man.

He is obsessed with your shampoo. His nose is always in your hair.

Lets face it. Guy is 100% the most physical man that has ever walked the streets of Konoha. If you aren't big on touching, then his is not the man for you.

One hand will always be around your waist, holding your hand, arm around your neck, locked on your curves or anywhere else….respeeeectfully of course.

He will always be up on you and in your face so get ready for that LOL.

He will be proud of you. He will be boisterous to an exhausting level about your achievements.

He will be exhilarating in every way.

One of Guy’s greatest strengths is also one of his most unfortunate downfalls. He is wildly protective. Never underestimate his ferocity when it comes to you. You may have to communicate more than once where the line is when it comes to him watching over you. Even though you aren’t skilled in combat as he is, you also are not a child and he will take some time to learn what you require and what you don’t.

He always means well.

You have some faults and things to work on as well. Guy is tender as hell, an emotional, hot blooded, love sick fool who can and WILL take things you say to heart so be sure if you notice him freaking out or trying too hard to make you happy, to hold him and let me know often that he is perfect the way he his.

In the end all of the passions and butterflies that Guy provokes from your heart are entirely justified.

He will ask you to marry him after a date, probably at sunset, one knee, giant ring he spent way too much on.

He claims you deserve the world and you tell him that instead of the world “you would settle for just having his hands, his lips, and his heart.”

Do your best to return his love to the best of your ability because not everyone gets the chance to be loved by the Hidden Leafs Handsome Blue Beast.

KAKASHI

I’ve never seen Kakashi as someone who would end up with another shinobi bombshell.

Instead I think he would find himself interested in someone who is a total badass in another line of work.

Example; You first encounter him one day while advising Lady Tsunade on the information the Hidden Leaf Village (and a few others) pay’s your company large sums of money to collect, aggregate, and report.

Kakashi stands guard during the meeting, watching you speak with an eloquent grace and authority he finds captivating and maybe a little seductive.

By then end of the meeting he is curious about you...wondering what you thought of him, what you think about everything.... You never even look his way.

He falls in line with you as we escorts you out of the building, walking beside you in the otherwise empty stairwell.

You smirk and take the liberty of speaking first. “Did you enjoy the show Scarecrow?”

From that moment on he’s hooked.

Now I also don’t find the idea of him falling for someone with some FULL curves to be all that outlandish….He has never given .00000001% of a shit what other people think.

He also shares the famous Pervy Sage’s taste in “women he describes from research” and romantic books about women shaped like gourds so with that logic in mind….dude likes thicc, full, curvaceous women for sure. It's basically cannon at this point ;)

Kakashi is someone who has learned emotional detachment through pain. You are the first person who shows promise in tearing down those defenses.

Your relationship not necessarily a slow burn. Kashi isn’t a kid, just because he hasn’t fallen head over heals with anyone before, doesn’t mean he is a mystery to himself or oblivious to his feelings.

That being said, I do think he will protect you by keeping a relationship with you under wraps for the first year or so.

If anything EVER happened to you….he wont let that happen.

The secrecy could be hard on you at first.

Watching more than a few women flirt shamelessly with your Kashi is beyond ROUGH.

Especially considering most of them are tough as nails ninja women with perfect bodies. You aren't used to feeling threatened by other people men or women, so you have a hard time learning how to deal with it.

Kakashi is always quick to remind you that he is serious about your relationship though.

He looks at you with a ferocity only seen by people who are no longer alive. His voice is low and serious when he gets close and tells you, “(Y/N) You are my entire life. I will never leave you. I promise I am yours until the day I die.”

After a few times of him promising you that he really is in love with you, you believe him and can be secure in his word.

As his girlfriend, you take his breath away.

The way you speak, move, sleep….

Even the way you casually conduct yourself at home and in public makes him more than proud to know who you are. Let alone get to go home to you.

Guy is the first one to catch on believe it or not. He notices Kakashi peaking over the top of his book at you as you walk down the opposite side of the street. He’s known Kakashi since they were kids, he puts a reassuring hand on your boyfriends shoulder and vows without spoken words to protect you when Kakashi can’t be there….and Kakashi understands. It helps him sleep just a little better knowing he has help.

Stargazing on a rooftop one chilly autumn night, Kakashi grabs your hand and proposes to you with a small silver ring, slightly ashamed for it’s lack of a stone.

“I want you to be my wife.” is all he says and you wrap your arms around him whispering in his ear “You have had my heart since the first day I met you…. And you always will.”

His heart melts into a puddle at the sound of you telling him he will have a wife. Finally have family that loves him this much.

[ohheyitsokay]

slowly

Pairing: Jack Daniels (Agent Whiskey) x  (f) ace!reader

Wordcount: 2.2k

Warnings: discussions of sex and related topics, maybe some angst? a lot more analogies than actual descriptions 

Summary: a drive in theatre, a budding relationship, and a whole lot of mutual support

Notes: okay obviously this is a wildly personal topic - I fully understand that asexuality looks different for everyone. For full disclosure, in this story, the reader knows they are somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, but is not aromantic. They are also are on a path of self discovery and are open to learning about themselves. This IS NOT saying asexuals who are like this are growing "better" than those who are not interested. Asexuals who do know what they do and dont want are perfect and do not need to change or compromise as part of their personal growth.

There will be an optional part 2 where they have more conversations about intimacy and explore together what works for them, but again, this is not everyone's story, or the "right" way, it's just... one story.

That being said, I genuinely hope yall enjoy!

>>

You stared at the bashful man in front of you openly, your hands stilling on the groceries you were halfway done unloading.

Even the slightest rustle of the cloth bags was painfully loud in the silence that stretched between you.

Jack had burst through your door, confident as always, but it was a thin layer over his anxious heart. With two long strides, he was pulling you into his arms, almost crushing you against his chest.

Arms winding around his middle, you held him just as tightly before you found your voice again.

“You’re back,” you said, simply amazed that he was a whole week early from the long mission. “When did you get back?”

You hadn’t realized he had picked you up until your feet were on solid ground again, and he was pulling away.

“Just a few hours ago, I had to make it back in time for opening night, right?” he grinned winningly.

You tried not to overthink, feeling a jolt of excitement that he remembered – tonight. The drive-in theatre in town was opening for the season and you had been more than excited. As one of your most consistent movie night friends, Jack had promised to take you, full of butterflies and subtext.

For as close as you’d gotten over the past few months, you weren’t sure what to make of his expression.

“If that’s okay? I should’ve double checked,” you hadn’t responded and it was apparently making him nervous.

“Yeah, Jack, that sounds great,” you reassured him, turning back to your groceries, equally nervous.

If you were being honest, you hadn’t expected him to remember because it had almost felt like an off-hand comment at the time, and you hadn’t wanted to get your hope up to much.

Something was welling in your stomach as you turned away from him fully, putting each item in its respective home in your kitchen. You liked him, of course you liked him. He was bold and kind and passionate, and more handsome than seemed reasonable for a single person. And… and when he was nearby, there was a feeling of safety, just out of reach, like water lapping at your feet at the beach.

It was more than tempting but, same as the ocean, there was also an uneasiness in the unknown. The same uneasiness was present in every relationship you’d ever had – because you had a secret.

Well, it was less of a secret and more… something you were figuring out that you hadn’t talked about much. Despite long late night talks and months of growing close and even slowly falling for each other, you hadn’t quite found the courage to talk to Jack about it yet. The more real the soft, sweet moments between you got, the more the unease filled your bones. You knew how he was with other women, and each time his hand lingered on your hip, your shoulder, your cheek, a quiet voice whispered that he deserved better.

Jack was staring at you, lost in your thoughts as you mechanically worked your way through the bags. His heart ached for you, and he wished more than anything that you trusted him with whatever you were holding back. But he was a determined man – he would do whatever he could to show you that no matter what, he wasn’t going anywhere.

 -

After awhile, Jack coaxed you back to your normal self, telling you as much of his mission as he could and helping you cook dinner. Moving around your kitchen was wonderfully peaceful, a little bubble of intimacy. Food was great for neutralizing anxious thoughts.

The feeling continued into his truck as you excitedly packed blankets and he fought the urge to kiss your adorable face when you found the snacks he’d picked up. Even before he left, in anticipation for tonight, he cleaned the front seat thoroughly, and made sure his radio was in good condition.

The movie went well too, but as much as he wanted to pull you into his arms, press you into his side, be the warmth against the cool night air, there was a hesitation that held him at bay.

Every time he’d reach for you, cautious and gentle, your skin would twitch, almost jumping away before you’d smile at him and lean into it. You seemed happy, but part of your mind was holding you back. As friends, you two were relatively physically affectionate, so he made a mental note to tread light and watch for more cues. Jack never wanted to impose himself on anyone but with you, even less.

So he waited. He had no doubt you’d talk to him when you were ready, and heavens knows that he had plenty of things he had kept buried. It was still nice, hearing you laugh next to him - just him – and seeing the light reflecting off the movie dance across your skin. Talking with you was always easy, even more so without friends or family around and it made Jack ache with eagerness.

As he pulled up to your home, he gently took your hand.

“Darlin, it was plum delightful to take you out tonight,” he said, cursing himself internally for how nervous he sounded. You looked his, eyes catching the streetlight like magic and your gentle squeeze gave him courage.

“I really would like to take you out again, on a proper date,” he couldn’t look away from your eyes, trying to read them through the murkiness. “I really like you,” Jack added, quieter, “but you don’t have to respond right now.”

You nodded, your eyes closing tight as though you were at war with yourself.

You think you like me, but I’m not the type of girl you want to date.

“You don’t have to… tell me, if you’re not ready, but,” he offered after a long moment, his free hand flexing on the steering wheel as he forced himself to examine the bushes on the side of the parking lot. “But I’m listening.”

You felt both hot and cold at the same time. All evening you could feel it coming, knew it was going to happen, knew it had to. He deserved this conversation, and honestly, if there was anyone who made you feel like you did, too, it was Jack.

Inhale, exhale. 

Inhale -

“Okay,” - exhale. 

Remembering that neither of you had work the next day helped. Slowly you let go of your hand and unbuckled your seatbelt, shifting to get comfortable again, the actions thick with significance. He returned it, unbuckling too, and killing the engine.

Jack was so respectful you could cry, his obvious anxiety under control enough not to jump to conclusions – to wait for you.

“I like you, too, Jack, but I don’t think we can ever date,” you forced the words out and his heart nearly shattered, confusion barely holding it together.

Eyebrows so drawn in they almost looked like a solid line, he waited, unable to stop a small shake of his head.

Why not? His entire being screamed. With each second that passed, more and more determination seeped into the cracks of his heart, sticking it together. If you liked him as he liked you, it seemed impossible there was anything between you that couldn’t be overcome.

You saw the question in his eyes and the explanation tumbled out.

“It’s just, I know you – I know the girls you go after and the type of relationships most men want. And,” you were sucking in air, the vulnerability raking through your lungs. “And I don’t know if I can ever give you that.”

He started to protest before his hand covered his mouth, irritated movements over his mustache, his jaw working. What he wanted was you. But he needed to let you keep talking. If he interrupted you now, he might never understand what you meant.

You watched his movements, desperation to give him the explanation he deserved growing in you.

“I’ve had people break up with me because I wont sleep with them,” you shoved the words into the space, the most honest you’d maybe ever been.

Whatever he had been expecting, it wasn’t that. Your voice was trembling and so quiet only your moving lips confirmed the words as you continued.

“For me, it’s not something I need, or am particularly comfortable with. You,” you swallowed hard, unable to look at the man beside you. “You deserve someone you can be with, however you want.”

You took another deep breath, feeling light and surprisingly at peace with your honesty. Even the impending rejection felt less scary, now that you had said it all out loud. The trembles settled as you concluded, “I’m still figuring myself out and I just cant guarantee I’ll ever give you what you deserve.”

Of all the conversations with all the others before this, this moment felt the most freeing. It was wild to have such an intimate conversation before you even kissed, but… the foundation of trust that Jack had given you had not been lost on you. You found yourself smiling, looking at him, finally.

His expression had loosened, processing and connecting the dots, his deep eyes unfocused before they slid closed.

Now it was your turn to wait, to be patient, and listen.

Part of him wanted to yell that he wasn’t like the others, that he didn’t care and even that he would wait and work until you were ready. But that wasn’t right, and he knew it.

Inside him, deep, deep down, there was a small light. A candle of flame underneath a glacier: a touch of hope slowly warming its way through layers and layers and centuries of expectations, fear, confusion, and chaos. It was going strong, it just need more time.

“Darlin,” he looked at you, finally, meeting your eyes and feeling for the first time that they were a clear window into your soul. “You are… everything, to me. So… so let’s just take some time to process this. Would that be okay, sweetheart?”

That was the first time anyone had ever responded that way. It was the scariest thing, but it was perfect. You were overwhelmed with the rawness and a glance at the radio told you it was 2 am. Not a time to be making life altering decisions, anyway. Nodding, you pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. The movement was intimate and confident – something that shouldn’t have been possible, but it was.

Jack’s large hand grasped at your neck and jaw, pulling you into him, pressing his forehead on yours. The hairs of his mustache just ticked your lip, but he made no move, respecting one final boundary for the night.

With a squeeze, he let you go, watching with longing eyes as you hopped out of his truck and ran to your front door. The smile you gave him before you slipped inside was the seal, engraving tonight into his memories forever.

And he drove home, his thoughts louder than the wind and the crickets and his pounding heart.

-

Jack invited you over a few days later, a Sunday afternoon. It would be the first time you’d talked, and you were surprisingly calm. For some reason, you felt like you’d be closer to him no matter what happened.

He heard your car on the long gravel driveway and greeted you with an all-encompassing hug. You held each other, like lifelines, for long moments before he pulled you inside.

“My mama sent cookies,” he said, motioning for you to sit at the tall table he had as he set down the plate. You couldn’t help but smile, knowing their Sunday lunches and her beloved baking well. He remained standing across from you, aware of the awkwardness, but eager to get his words right.

“This is all new to me,” he said, wishing suddenly that he’d made tea so his throat wouldn’t feel so dry. “If you really don’t wanna be with me, that’s your choice,” he said, knowing it was right and hating the option, “but I really – you’re just so – I can’t let you go,” his thoughts were jumbling together on his tongue.

It was grounding, when your hands found his, reaching across the table as you sat forward on your stool.

“What if we just took it slow?” you said, and his heart stopped.

“Please,” he managed, and your own chest felt like it would burst. “Would it be alright, darlin?” Jack’s hands held yours, his expression eager.

“Could – could we figure out what works for us? Figure this all out together?” You were close to crying, you wanted that so bad.

“I can’t promise I’ll change or… or what direction I’ll grow,” you said, needing to say it again, needing to be sure.

“I can’t, either, darlin,” he said, and you realized he was right and you would support each other, no matter what.

“But all I need is you. Whatever and however much you’ll give me. That’s more than enough.”

He didn’t say for now.

And you believed him.

Since he was still standing, it made it easy for you to tug him around the table, and you leaned into his chest. It felt safe, safer than you had ever thought was possible for you.

“Okay,” you told the flannel he was wearing, “Let’s figure it out together.” And even though you couldn’t see him, you knew he was smiling, too.

<<

Taglist:

@fangirl-316 @0celestialbitch0 @scribbledghost

[eroticintestines]

Heyo! I love your Brawl Stars x Reader oneshots//headcanons!! May you do Barley x Reader HCs? :D Idk if you need to specify gender for the readers, but Gender Neutral would be cool ^^

Of course! :)) And all of my stories are gender neutral, so don't worry about that!

( 💚Barley/Reader headcanons💚 )

• This man is so damn innocent it's adorable. Every robot in brawltown has their own little unique personality, and Barley takes the cake for being the most adorable one (right next to 8-bit and a slightly angry Sprout),

• Barley gained a crush on you pretty much instantly. He couldn't quite put a finger on what he was after, but he knew that the reason why his engine revved whenever you stepped into his bar was a serious thing,

• He simply refused to let you pay for your drinks. He'd always shake his head, chuckle a bit and hit you with a "it's on the house."

• He's a genuinely nice guy, he wouldn't harm a fly unless provoked, and he always makes sure you stay safe during matches. With that being said, if an oblivious Bull charges towards you, Barley won't hesitate to go ape shit on him. He may be able to send him back to the spawn point in a single shot, but this guy will not continue throwing bottles at his much larger opponent until he either storms off angrily to heal or dies on the spot,

• You eventually figured out he liked you. Not that it was a challenge, but his nice demeanor and benevolent nature often confused you. I mean, was he flirting, or was he just in general a polite person?

• You took advantage of his obliviousness and decided to tease him.

• You'd occasionally bump into him, sending you both into the bushes or a nearby wall, having him suddenly pinned under you. You'd watch his eye turn pink and steam come out him, then he'd try to stutter out an apology. You couldn't help but smile, pull him up and tell him it's okay, hesitating to pull your hand out of his. He'd watch this with great interest, his eye going half lidded and his knees becoming jelly.

• It was really hard to not mess with him, he was just so adorable. But eventually he couldn't take it anymore.

• He approached you at your table one day, looking down at the floor, both of his arms behind him. You stared at him as his eye became pink again.

• "Y/N...m-may we speak for a moment..."

• You nodded in agreement and watched him sit down on the chair facing you. He still had his eye focused on everything but you, twirling his thumbs on the table. He cleared his throat, looking up at you to speak, but before he could do that, a hand was placed on top of his.

•"Barley, darling,"

• He melted at the sound of his name escaping your lips. The nickname sent him in a daze.

• "Do you think I don't know what you're about to say?"

• You bit your lip, making something inside Barley shift at the sight.

• "You're going to confess your feelings for me."

• He felt anxiety build up inside him, thinking you might reject him. He couldn't go on like that. He couldn't possibly live with the thought of not having you in his arms.

• "...and I'll gladly accept those feelings."

• 'Oh?'

• "I love you, Barley."

• [insert Barley overheating here]

• Every since that day you two have been together, enjoying eachothers presence and acting like your usual couple.

• He's just so sweet towards you. He's always the one to wake up first, so except breakfast and coffee/tea/an energy drink in the morning. He'll do anything to spoil you.

• He prefers to be the small spoon when cuddling, unless he's had somewhat of a stressful day. He wont hesitate to spend every moment he can with his cold metal arms wrapped around you. It relaxes him and lets him know he's got someone in his life to help him with his problems.

• As much as he loves dates, he'd rather just hang out with you at his bar, bringing you anything you'd like and occasionally stirring up some funny scenarios.

• "My my, and who might you be?" he'll say, leaning on the counter towards you and winking. You'll simply chuckle and play along.

• "Oh I'm just a lost soul, looking for a nice quiet place to find myself in," you'd reply. "Now do you wanna makeout or what."

• [insert a caught off guard Barley]

• He'll blush in his own way, letting you drag him into the back of the bar and let you take control of the situation ;),

• Needless to say, your displays of affection are rather steamy. Yeah, he may be acting all innocent, but once you get him in the mood he's a different man. He'll tug at your shirt, run his fingers through your hair and feel your skin on his metallic fingers.

• The thing that excites him the most is you just simply toying with him. Tugging at his bowtie, tracing your fingers on his arm, touching his leg with your own under the table... you name it.

• He's a gentleman after all, keeping his partner excited like that would not be very polite of him.

• You two work great in matches as well. He's finally got someone to cover him, as he's always getting straight up nerfed. He's a thrower after all, you need to protect those if you want anything out of the match(throwers protection gang, where we droppin),

• One of the best things about dating him though is having the bathroom all to yourself. He's a robot after all, he doesn't have those kind of needs. No more waiting for someone to waste all the hot water in the morning or any time of the day.

• Though he does enjoy it when you walk out of the bathroom wrapped in nothing but your towel, the water still dripping down your shoulders,

• If you can't sleep during the night, Barley will wake up and stay awake with you. Not like he needs to sleep anyways, he just likes laying down next to you. Your favourite moments of staying awake with him are getting absolutely destroyed at UNO by the clever bastard or simply watching those weird shows that play after midnight with him.

• "Y/N, w-what kind of a question is that?!"

• "Dude chill, I just wanna know if you're packing or not, since you're a robot. Don't act like you haven't been asked that before."

• "...I-I can neither deny nor c-confirm that."

• "Well it's a good thing I'm about to find out!"

•To wrap it all up, he's a total sweetheart, 11/10, would date. Just don't leave any rings on the table with your glass.

🐁hope you enjoyed this! It's a bit short, considering it was written at about 3 am. But nevermind that, if there's any other requests you or anyone else has, please send them in!

[zeynepbal]

Started cleaning home like 3.30 in the morning, after I woke up to a continuing talk with a friend on whatsapp at 3 am.

While tidying and cleaning the house I was thinking may be I was a bit harsh on him because after all he did not say anything bad and all he thinks is my good will - yet now after thinking an hour while tidying the house I am pretty sure it is not good for me

Society is a strange concept. You can never stay all free unless you go and start a life by yourself in the jungle. Otherwise you always have to be a part of it - even when you dont think so. My dad my mom always and still making me erase some posts which I think they are mostly right about their criticism because they are the only people may be who truely knows my way of thinking yet there is one more thing they know : how others may think and can understand my thoughts in a different way.I can clearly and confidently say that being a parent of mine should be really tiring. Dealing with a “child” for 37 years who mostly has a different point of view than the society.

Same is valid for my friends. I do think that it should be really haed to deal with me. When you make a dirty joke to your friend and when she does not get it constantly should be annoying. And think that when she gets it she just scolds you for being childish.

I dont understand how people connect certain images with certain situations. Kissing a cat video might be found “sexy” by people or wearing a short skirt can be thought as trying to be alluring. Throwing a birthday party for a friend could be understood as trying to steal him from his wife for example. Or I dont know how but being good friends with a male friend and telling here and there that you missed him can be seen as you two have something special. Or hugging a person can be misread as having something between.

I find these thoughts always so “not understandable”. I do like implies and I use them a lot only when I am broken or only when I have to tell some one to do sth or only when I need to reject someone. Because I dont like to hurt anyone yet I dont understand how people can think you imply something when you say you miss some one or love some one or like someone. These words are good words. These are full of emotion words. However howcome in the end all are connected to romantic relations I don get - even while writing here as “romantic relations” I struggled because a person can love a tree and it may be romantic in a way yet it is not the way generally people understands. I remember one certain memory: my mom telling my ex fiancée that I might write a poem for a freaking chair as if it is a person which does not mean that I am in love with anyone.

And now yeah we are there.. Lets return the beginning of this page. Yeah I was harsh on a friend and thought a lot during cleaning the home. Why I was harsh was because he thinks that I need someone in my life - which I surely dont think so , decided this morning. As I wrote him “ I do make talks about relationships, I do behave as if I am interested but I am not. I do have these “fake” standing because of my age. Because when I behave as if true myself people find it fake because up to society a 37 year old woman should be interested in the stuff like this. So they do not accept I dont give a damn heck about these talks.” And this is why I always act as if. Today I just though how unhappy I was when I was about to get married at the age of 26-27, was waking up in the middle of the night and thinking how I truely did not wanna get married : and it was the society in the first place making me say “yes” to a person that I did not wanna get married because up to society a woman should do this do that etc etc etc.

And now it is an another phase: the phase that in order not to be misunderstood or labelled I have to act as if I am interested in some men otherwise people or their girlfriends see you as a threat as if their husbands or boy friends are made up of gold and you are hitting on them. Hello! I am not interested. So first in order to stop these gossips about you you should behave as if you are interested in someone otherwise people dont get you may not be interested in anyone. I dont understand why it should be black and white in every situation and dont get why people are so blind to gray. Another point is in order people not to misunderstand your gender you have to show your interest to men. I dont care if they think I am not straight or so but they talk. They talk a lot. And in year 2021 people still think being a gay is something funny and not normal. I pity these people yet I am straight and it is the same rudeness calling a gay as straight when you call a straight person as a gay. So in order not to be misunderstood I do have to make “men” talk on social media or in my life because people dont get “how come you dont?! At a 37 person howcome you cant have any specific point on men you find sexy?! How come you cant have a type?! Oh come on you are lying!!” I actually dont lie yet in order to deal with these situations I learnt to lie. As I told my friend this morning “I seriously do some talks because otherwise is impossible for people and I just dont wanna deal with them”

And this is actually how society puts a pressure on you without knowing. Lots of friends trying to make me up with some one: and my honest opinion this is so “waste of time” meeting with someone for a date. I mean isnt it? You both know that you meet on a specific purpose to understand if you are compatible or not and to me being compatible doesnt mean “love”. They find me rude when I say “no” to these date offers or imply that I am not interested because to them we would be very good or they are wanting my goodness which I reject. And what they dont understand within all these years is, ME. How I see the things. I like things being in their natural way. If I ll have a relationship it should happen in a natural way. I should fall in love for example. But no! For the society as a 37 year old (up to them beautiful) woman should not be alone or if she is alone there should be something wrong with her. And may be something wrong with me because I do care about emotions rather than “shoulds”

So as a result today I decided that I wont be making the same mistake as I did years ago : letting the society shape me and letting myself go with the flow and I was about to get married with a man I did not love just because it was expected by my friends or the people around me. Today I remembered how down I was feeling on those days and I dont wanna feel like that again. I do want a child yes. And there are other ways to “get” one like stealing some other people’ child (lol jk ofc).

Oh just an another point. I am never the kind of person who is able to show her feelings to the guy she likes (became a big problem in one of my relationships because he was always questioning that I am very physical and touchy to everyone yet not to him. And yeah! If I am hugging you or touching you this means my flirting probabilty with you is 0%) yet I found something I find irritating is “although I like the man doing the first second third…10th move until I understand he is interested, I seriously turn off when he gets harsh on me and openly shows his interest” this is the thing I can say “weird” about myself,for example because this is “weird”.

But the other stuff, I dont think that the way of thinking I have is weird. I dont think having no interest in speaking about relationships, not wanting to listen your “bed time sexual problems or stories” with your husbands/wives or lovers is weird. Because it is not my business but when I say this you call me either rude or weird. So I tried to act in a way you wanted and faked a lot which made me exhausted and today I just bursted as “E NOUGH!”. Because the more I try to fake in a way society wants me to, the more weird my behaviors become.

So I wont be doing any more. This is me. I wont act as the society wants me to act. Do think I have issues because I am not interested in the “make up” dates you arranged? Then I have issues, your opinion. Do you think I am in love with someone just because I told I love him? Then I am in love, your opinion. Do you think I am hitting on you because I asked to meet for a drink? Then I am hitting on you, your opinion. None are the thoughts or feelings of mine. I remember a talk with marcos. He asked me “you use the word love for everything. It is open to misunderstandings” and I told him “for you. You k ow me now and you know I dont use that word as many people may understand”. Same here. When I say I miss a friend and wish him or her here with me etc doesnt mean that I love/loved him or her in a way you think.

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

Trust | Doctor Who

Pairing: Doctor x Reader (readers choice as to which regeneration this is, I personally had a mix of ten and eleven in mind when writing)

Word Count: 4383

Warning: gets super angsty at points, very tiny mention of blood, possible death? and some very cheesy fluff

A/N: okay so this has been sitting in my drafts for months and I’ve been reluctant to post it but then I thought what the hell I’m just gonna do it. I thought about splitting it into parts but decided to just stick it up as a oneshot. And as always spelling and grammar is not my strongest skill so please be kind :)

- - - - -

“Finally, you’re here! I’ve been waiting for hours, you really need a more comfortable sofa you know..” The Doctor says lounging on your sofa, staring you excitedly waiting for an answer. 

“What did I tell you about letting yourself into my apartment?” You say, dropping your bag to the floor.

“I know” he continues, ignoring your question “I could have just jumped in the TARDIS, travelled to the moment just before you got home and spared myself the agony but I didn’t know exactly how long you would be out and quite frankly that feels like more effort than I feel like taking part in today. But anyway enough about me..” he takes a deep breath ”how did it go?”

“How did what go?” You respond blankly

“Your date”

You take a sharp intake of breath, trying to keep your expression blank to hide any emotion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” 

“Oh come on y/n, this is me you’re talking to. You know you can’t keep secrets from me”

“I’m not keeping any... what makes you think I’ve been on a date?”

“It’s obvious. Your hairs down, you never wear your hair down unless its a special event or you’re trying to impress someone. Your clothes are far too fancy for work, too risqué for a family occasion. And your face, there’s a glow to your face like you’ve been blushing. Soooo, how was it? I want to hear everything” he leans forward, resting his chin in his hands staring up at you with hope.

He reminded you of an overexcited puppy. Ever since your last boyfriend had dumped you via text while you were off on a TARDIS adventure, the Doctor had been trying to set you up with every potential candidate he found. You, on the other hand, had just wanted to forget about boys all together and focus on having fun with the Doctor. That was until you met Jack. 

“look, I just... we don’t have time for this right now. Isn’t there some planet that needs saving or something?”

“Ah, they can save themselves” batting his hand away like he was trying to hit a fly ”this is more important. You had a date!”

“Just leave it, please”

“No I will not, until you tell me everything”

“There’s nothing to tell”

“Sure there is, why wont you talk to me?”

“BECAUSE HE STOOD ME UP, OKAY?” You suddenly explode and the Doctor just watches you silently. “He didn’t come. I waited in that cafe for two and a half hours and he didn’t come. No phone call, not even a text. Two and a half hours I sat on my own, watching the door, trying to ignore the pitiful looks from everyone else. ‘Oh look at that poor sad girl, cant even get a date.. pathetic...’” you start to break down before you can finish your sentence. The Doctor jumps up and pulls you into a tight hug. “What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?” You cry.

“Hey no, shhhhh, nothing is wrong with you” the Doctor reassures, stroking your hair “you are perfect”  

“Why didn’t he show? Am I that dull to talk to? Did he spot me in window, take one look and run the other way? Or maybe he had no intention of ever coming, he just set me up as a joke. And i fell for it like the fool that i am?”

“NO” the Doctor says firmly, taking your face in his hands and staring into your eyes “look at me. You are NOT a fool. Okay? You are one of the smartest, bravest, funniest, kindest, most interesting people I’ve ever had the pleasure of travelling with. Honestly. You amaze me every single day. Don’t you ever speak about yourself like that”

He kissed you on the forehead and you show him a weak smile. 

“I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t come. When we spoke on the ohine this morning he kept saying he was so excited to meet.”

“Ah” The doctor suddenly remembers,  taking a step back and looking to the ground like something was bothering him. 

“What is it?” 

“I think that maybe this might have slightly been my fault..”

You don’t say anything, you just look at him with confusion. 

“I may have accidentally on purpose bumped into Jack on his way to meeting you and accidentally scared him off... accidentally...”

Your mouth drops open as the realisation of what the Doctor has done sinks in. Your face switches through confusion, to disbelief, to anger. 

“You did WHAT?!”

“I just wanted to check him out, ask him about his intentions. You know how I feel about people called Jack! Look I just needed to make sure he wasn’t, you know, some sort of insane axe murderer type”

“YOU’RE the one who’s insane!” You shout back, now pacing around the room, hands up in your hair “I cant even look at you right now... you know not all men are like Captain Jack Hark- wait..” suddenly you stop pacing, turning to look at him “how do you know his name? Come to think of it, how did you even know I was going to meet anyone?”

“You, you left your phone on the TARDIS console the other day while you ‘popped to the loo’” he says, making air quotes with his fingers as he quoted you, trying to make a joke lighter but actually just pissing you off even more. “It kept doing the buzzy buzzy thing so i picked it up to shush it and saw all these messages from Jack talking about looking forward to meeting you and I thought-“

“What? You thought anyone who would want to go on a date with me must be insane?!”

“No, no no no of course not no I-“

“Then why? Doctor, why would you do this to me?”

“Because I love you” he blurts out. You fall silent, eyes fixed on his face. “I love you y/n, and I couldn’t stand the thought of you being hurt again” he pauses “and I think that maybe, deep down, I was terrified of the thought that you could fall in love with someone who isn’t me”

You just stand there, silently staring at his face. You’d never seen him this vulnerable, this honest about his feelings. 

“No..” you say and he looks at you confused “no, NO. You can’t do this to me. You can’t spend the last few months trying to set me up with other people, make me think that you don’t think of me at all in that way and then turn around and tell me you LOVE me?! What the HELL Doctor? You can’t just play with people emotions like that!”

“I never intended to hurt you, y/n, that’s the last thing I wanted and I hate myself for hurting you. But bad things seem to happy to the people I love, and I think I thought that if you were with someone else then, you’d be safe? I, I don’t know. Just, please y/n I need you to know that I am so sorry.” 

You just look at him. It’s hard to see the man who is usually so cool and calm actually starting to panic. 

“Please say something.” He pleads but you continue to look at him silently, your thoughts racing a million miles an hour in your head. 

“Y/N?” He says again, stepping forward and reaching out to you but you take a step back and look down at your feet. 

“I trusted you...” you voice comes out quiet and full of hurt “...with everything. I put my life in your hands.” You pause, look up at the doctor and take a deep breath “I don’t think I can do that anymore”

“You can-“ he steps towards you again but you turn away and close your eyes.

“I need to be on my own” 

The Doctor takes a step back and nods silently. 

“well, you know how to find me when you're ready” he sighs sadly. 

He turns and walks to your bedroom where the TARDIS is parked. As he reaches for the door he stops to take one last look at you, willing you to turn around and run into his arms. But you don’t. He leaves. 

You hear the sound of the TARDIS leaving and you drop to the floor, finally letting out all the emotion you had been trying to keep in. 

The Doctor watches you from the screen in his TARDIS as tears fall from his eyes.

- - - 6 months later - - - 

“RUN!” The Doctor shouts as he turns and starts sprinting. You immediately follow as you hear guns firing behind you and the Daleks shouting “EXTERMINATE!” 

Together you run down winding corridor until finally the TARDIS is in sight. The Doctor gets there before you, opening the TARDIS door and holding his hand out to you 

“almost there y/n, keep running” he encourages but suddenly a Dalek appears infront of you. Before you can do anything a laser shoots from the end of the Daleks gun and hits you. 

- - - - -

Your eyes shoot open as you sit upright in bed breathing heavily. Just another nightmare. 

You leave your house and head towards the bus stop as you do every morning to get to work since you went back to your mundane TARDIS free life. It’s been six months since the Doctor told you he loved you and you hadn’t seen or even spoken to him since. But you couldn’t help but think about him every day. Part of you wanted to pick up the phone and call him to come back, but the other part of you was still hurting and confused. 

After the Doctor had left Jack had messaged you apologising for not showing up to your date and told you about the man who had scared him. You made up a story about him being an overprotective family member of yours and that he wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. You and Jack dated for a couple of months but when you discovered he was still seeing other girls you called it off. Maybe the Doctor was right to scare him away.

You reach the bus stop just as your bus is puling away. You tried running to catch up with it but you were too late. You slump down on the bench to wait for the next one and again your thoughts drift to the Doctor. Wondering where he is now, what planet he’s saving or what new aliens he’s meeting. You wonder if he’s found anyone else to travel with and your heart sinks at the thought. You take out your phone and scroll down the contact list till you reach ‘Doc’. Your finger hovers over the call button. What if he has moved on? What if he doesn’t care about you at all anymore? He told you he loved you and you turned him away. 

You pushed your anxiety aside and hit the call button but just as it stared to ring you heard screams coming from the park over the road. You hung up the phone and crossed the road toward the park. People were running towards you, presumably away from whatever was cause the screams but you ran towards it. Your time with the Doctor had definitely made you brave. 

You continued to run through the park until you heard a noise that stopped you dead in your tracks. A noise you hadn’t heard since your days of travelling. A noise you hoped you would never hear again. 

“EXTERMINATE!”

You felt your body freeze in panic. This is just another dream right? You pinch yourself but you don't wake up. Okay so this is real. But how could the Daleks be here on earth? The Doctor banished them last time-

“EXTERMINATE!”

The sound pulled your attention back to earth and you looked up just in time to see a Dalek shooting straight at you. You dived out the way and ran as fast as your legs could carry you towards a woodland area over one side of the park. You ran through the woods, mind racing as fast as your feet until you tripped on a root sticking out the ground and skidded across the floor cutting your knees pretty bad.  You get up, hobble over to lean against a tree and pull out your phone. You need the Doctor. 

But before you can press call you hear another familiar voice behind you that sent chills down your spine. Another one of the Doctor’s rivals you had unfortunately met on your travels, probably the most dangerous of them all. 

“Hello y/n” he says and you turn around slowly to see the Master standing behind you grinning maniacally. 

“Long time no see” he chuckles but then his face turns dead serious “give me the phone”

You stare at time, full of panic.

“GIVE ME THE PHONE!” He shouts which makes you jump. You immediately hand your phone over and he grabs your wrist tightly, pulling you in so your face is close enough to whisper  “see, that wasn’t so hard was it?” Before smiling again and letting you go. You take a step back, holding your wrist in your hand. The Master starts walking slowly around you, making you feel like a dying animal being watched by a vulture.

“Where is the Doctor? Why are you alone, I thought you were his new pet?”

You look down at the ground. 

“Not anymore” you reply but your voice is barely audible

“Speak up little pet!” He says in your ear from behind you before continuing the circle around you

“Not anymore” you say slightly louder and the Master stops in front of you again.

“Oh? What happened? Lover’s tiff?” 

“It’s complicated” you shake your head dismissively.

“Complicated huh? Well let’s see what if we can clear things up shall we?” He takes your phone from his pocket and puts it on speaker you can hear the ringing tone and then the voice you’d missed so much...

“Y/N?” He sounds worried

“Guess again lover boy” the Master laughs changing the call to a video call so the Doctor can see him grinning. 

“What have you done?! If you’ve hurt her-“

“She’s safe” he interrupts, walking over and putting his arm around you to pull you into the Doctor’s view “for now.. You see, I’ve invited some old friends of yours to this planet you seem to care so much about and well, they’re making quite a mess.”

“Master!” The Doctor tries to speak.

“DON’T INTERRUPT ME!” He shouts and you flinch. “As I was saying. The Daleks are having a field day with your humans, they are extra trigger happy today I tell you.” He laughs as he let’s go of you and reaches into his pocket “but so I am”

He pulls a gun and his face changes again to be completely serious. 

“So it seems Doctor you have a choice to make. You can stop the Daleks...” he puts the gun to your head and moves the camera so the Doctor can see the fear in your eyes “or you can stop me.”

“Master please, please don’t do this-“ he begins pleading.

“Oh I love to hear you beg! So what will it be? The girl or the earth, its your choice Doctor” the Master hangs up the phone, dropping it to the floor and stamping on it. 

You close your eyes and try to steady your breath but you’re shaking so much that you can’t focus on anything else. You feel the gun move away from your head and you open your eyes cautiously. The Master sits on the floor, back leaning against a tree. He gestures for you to come sit by him, but you don’t move. 

“Oh come on, I’m not gonna shoot you yet. Relax”

You slowly move to sit near him, but not too close, and cross your legs. You stare at the ground, twiddling your thumbs nervously as you work up the courage to speak. 

“Why are you doing this?” You ask, tears in your eyes.

“Because I’m BORED-UH!” He replies, emphasising the ‘D’ at the end like an impatient child. 

“Because you’re bored?” You ask in disbelief, feeling rage build up inside you “you’re killing people, innocent good people who don’t deserve any of this because you’re bored? You’re insane!” You shake your head. 

“Thank you” he smiles and does a little bow from where he’s sat and you roll your eyes. 

“so tell me, what happened with you and the Doc huh? Why’d he leave you behind?” The Master asks and you pull your knees up in your chest, hugging your arms around your legs.

“its complicated” you say, really not wanting to get into this conversation with him. 

“so you keep saying, tell me anyway”

“why do you care?” You look at him getting fed up. 

“I don't really, just being nosey” he says dismissively putting his arms behind his head and leaning back against the tree.

Thinking the conversation is over you decide to also lean your head back against the tree so you can look up and the leaves and sky above you. 

“did he run over your cat?”

You look at him in confusion.

“what? No he-“

“did he kiss your mom?

“no-“

“did he break your phone?”

“you just did!” You point to your broken phone lying on the floor a few feet in front of you.

“ah yeah, oops” he shrugs “did he-“

“he told me he loved me!” you interrupt, fed up of all the questions. The Master looks disappointed, and then confused.

“I don't get it. Why’s that a bad thing? what, you don't love him back?”

“no I do.. I did.. I, its compli-“

“if you say it's complicated one more time I'm just gonna shoot you now” he glares at you and you bite your lip. For a moment you had forgotten you were talking to one of the most dangerously unpredictable beings in the universe. “if he loves you, and you love him then what’s complicated?” 

“yeah well, you're not capable of love so you just, you wouldn’t understand” you sigh

The Master brings his hand to his chest and fakes hurt at your comment

“no need to be so mean, I'm sure lover boy will be here soon” 

You shake your head “he might not. I was horrible to him. He told me he loved me and I told him to leave me alone. And that was 6 months ago. He owes me nothing”

“thats not true y/n” you hear and turn to see the Doctor standing there. Your heart feels like it skips a beat as you let out a small sigh of relief. You go to stand up but the Master beats you to it, suddenly holding the gun and pointing it at you again

“you stay! Down!” you kneel down, wincing at the pain from where you cut them earlier “thats a good little pet” he lowers the gun but still has that crazed look in his eyes which fills you with fear. 

“are you okay?” The Doctor asks and you give him a small nod.

“well isn’t this sweet, the lovers reunited once more” he put his hands to his heart “I could almost cry.. shame I'm not capable of love eh y/n?” He drops the act glaring at you and you gulp. 

“leave her out of this Master, this is between you and me. And call off the Daleks too, this planet doesn’t deserve this”

“this planet, Doctor, deserve everything thats coming to it” he’s getting angrier by the second “now I gave you a choice. The earth, or the girl?” 

The Master points the gun back in your direction and you feel the panic rising, your heart pounding. You look to the Doctor and he gives you a reassuring glance. 

“you chose wrong” the Master pulls the trigger and time seems to slow down.

Through the ringing in your ears you just about hear the Doctor shout NO and you feel pain right in the middle of your chest. You clutch your hands to your chest and look down to see them covered in deep red. As you fall onto your side you look back up at the Doctor who goes to run at the Master but is stopped when points the gun at him. The Master says something you don't hear then turns and calmly walks away. The Doctor stands for a second watching him, thinking about following but looks down at you and runs over to put pressure on your wound. 

“no… you have to… go after him” you say breathlessly 

The Doctor shakes his head “i’m not leaving you-”

“you have to.. the Daleks-“

“we’ll stop them together y/n, look at me” he puts one hand on your face, thumb rubbing on your cheek trying to keep you awake “stay with me”

“i’m sorry” you cry

“you have nothing to apologise for” you can see tears forming in the Doctors eyes and you know this is the end

“I love you” and one last breath leaves your body as everything goes dark. 

The Doctor remains crouched on the floor cradling your body as finally the tears stream down his face. He takes a deep breath and his face changes from sorrow to determination. 

- - - - -   

Your eyes shoot open as you sit up straight taking frantic breaths. The Doctor runs over, crouching down next to you. He takes your hand in one of his and uses the other to hold the back of you neck, trying to focus your attention on him. 

“y/n, its okay. y/n, you’re safe. Look at me, you’re safe. Just breathe with me okay. in, out, in, out..”

You take deep breaths with him and slowly feel yourself start to calm down a bit. Thats when you realise you’re on the floor of the TARDIS control room. The Doctor presses his forehead against your own and you close your eyes still taking deep breathes. Once the Doctor is satisfied that you’re calm enough he moves his head away, takes off his jacket and puts it around your shoulders. You pull in tightly around you, finding it comforting. 

“how are you feeling?” The Doctor asks cautiously, watching you closely. 

You think for a moment before responding. The Doctor moves over to look at one of the screens on the central console. 

“confused. Ive been having really weird dreams lately, I don't know what’s real anymore.” You look up at the Doctor hoping for answers.

“What do you dream about?” He asks, still studying the screen. 

“You” you respond shyly, embarrassed of your answer. The Doctor looks surprised as he looks at you “travelling with you” you clarify. 

“And what happens in the dreams?”

“Well, we’re running. Always running” you laugh and he smiles “usually away from something terrifying. Then every time we’re almost safe, whatever it is that’s chasing us finally catches me. And then I wake up in my own bed-” you stop suddenly, realising something. The Doctor watches you. 

“Doctor, how did I get back here? Back in the TARDIS? I don’t remember...” you trail off. The Doctor crouches back down in front of you.

“y/n tell me about your last dream” you sit, staring at the floor shaking your head. Why can’t you remember coming back to the TARDIS

“Y/N look at me” he places a hand on your shoulder “tell me what you just dreamed”

“Um, I was, I was in the park and the Daleks were there. Shooting at people, killing.. and uh, I ran just like I always do. And then the Master was there, and he caught me. And he, uh...” you place your hand on your chest “he shot me”

You look up at the Doctor who just looks back at you, studying your every move and facial expression. “And then I woke up. You must think I’m mad” 

The Doctor moves his hand to hold the hand which is still covering your chest. You look down at his hand and watch as he gently squeezes it affectionally. 

“You’re not mad y/n. All of that... it really happened.” You look up at him. “The Master shot you” he pauses, finding the next part hard to say “and you died. I was there, I held you.” He takes a deep breath “I brought you back.”

“How?”

“I did something I’m really not allowed to do.” You look at him confused “I transferred some regeneration energy into you. I wasn’t even sure it would work but it did. You started breathing again, but you've been unconscious for 3 days.”

“3 days?!” 

“That’s why your memories a bit... fuzzy. But I can fix that, if you want me to. And I can stop those nightmare too.”

“Thank you!” You throw your arms around the Doctor and squeeze him tight. He smiles, he’d missed this. 

“Oh..” he pulls away but keeps hold of your arms “sorry, about you know, leaving you on the floor. I needed you close to the console so I could monitor your heart rate.”

“Look, you brought me back to life. You could have left me asleep in a bin and I still couldn’t be angry with you” You laugh and he looks relieved. “Wait, what about the Daleks?”

“Oh they’re gone, don’t worry about them. Now, how about I sort out those memories for you?” He asks and you nod. He goes to put his fingers on your temples, but you move your head back slightly stopping him. 

“BUT, there’s something I really need to do first?” You say, taking his face in your hands and kissing him. You pull away and smile shyly. 

“I should have done that 6 months ago” you say, he smiles. “Right, now I’m ready”

He puts his hand up to your face. 

“Remember, you can close any doors to me if there’s things to don’t want me to see” he says.

You look him in the eyes. 

“I trust you”

[halfemptygirlrps-archive]

Feelings about the most recent episode of Siren and the SS Polymarine update:

So I am late on this but I had a lot of feelings to articulate and sort through. These posts are not important to anyone but me but they make me feel good so I will keep making them.

Maddie. 

SIGH. I know Fola has no say in the writers room but she’s really feeling more and more ooc. It’s not about not listening to Ben it’s about not thinking about the secret she is meant to protect. Even Xander has risked a lot to keep it safe and for Maddie to bring Robb to the warehouse was really careless. People are gonna be like HOBOY MORE MADDIE HATE I BET SHE’S A RYN/BEN SHIPPER and not that I need to justify myself to anyone but I care so much because since episode one Maddie and her amazing smile that makes my heart explode and her melodious laugh has been my favorite character and they opened up more of her personality and history in season two only to kinda undo it now. You wanna see a new guy? Fine, explore even though it breaks my effing heart and my ship but dont trust him so easily. Also a few episodes you said you still love Ben and Ryn but now you’re acting like she’s just your friend which I hate cause those idiots who have been saying they’re like sisters are getting what they want now. I hate seeing just Ben and Ryn together and it’s like... I know you kissed her on the lips but are we going to see Ryn spending the night with just you at your place any time soon or are they really legit phasing you out? They’ve always given Ryn equal time with Maddie but now it’s like they hired the writers from Supergirl and much like Kara “forgot” she told James she loved him and fought for him so hard and was like lol we’re better as friends and I wanna date a white slave owner they’re making Maddie act really strange considering she outed them as in love. I also don’t like that she’s yet to tell Robb that she kinda has a gf which is unfair to him. Even if I dont care about him it’s just the rules of being poly to disclose that. It’s not “private information”if you’re getting involved with someone because that this point they’re dating and she knows he likes her and is setting up shop to be closer to her so she owes it to him to say something about Ryn unless she really is ending with Ryn too and only being her friend which again MAKES ME SO ANGRY. I said it from the beginning that Ben didn’t need to have a gf if the goal was Ryn , and they also didn’t need to do a while season about them being in love and making people get attached and feel seen and heard only to rip it away from us. I wish they wouldn’t be so cheap about drama like this but I hope the three of them find their way back to each other as a unit and not whatever the hell they are now because it was the core of the show.

Ben. 

Boo if you can’t see that you have a problem idk what. He’s acting like a straight up junkie and people are like noooo but you clearly haven’t seen junkies in movies cause this is it. Shoot up mermaid cells and running tests on yourself alone? Are you insane? You don’t know the side effects and you already experimented on your own mother and yet none of this is setting off any alarms. We already see that Ben has obsessive tendencies and rather than seek help he’s doing whatever to himself instead of trying to focus on Ryn and Maddie and his father about to start a massacre. I get that he’s a scientist but there’s a time and a way for that and he should no better. Maddie’s been helping Ryn 10 times more lately while he’s turning himself into the merman Mr. Hyde and he’s the one getting all of Ryn to himself while side eyeing Maddie when he should be trying to help them deal with this crisis called Tiamat and not trying to become a hybrid. I’m just so over him at this point and it’s just like in season 2 where he jumped to try to save Ryn in the tank while she fought Katrina. She’s a powerful creature who doesn’t need you to save her like she’s a dainty princess, she needs you to be a rock and emotional support which you cannot do sitting in a bathtub. Everything that the people in your life need you to be, you aren’t being. You aren’t helping your mom like you think you are, you aren’t helping your dad cope and understand and not become a murderer, you aren’t helping Maddie understand why you did what you did and you aren’t helping Ryn by taking the corpse of her family and treating it like an animal the way Kyle did. Just because you didn’t know *that one* doesn’t mean it’s okay. It wasn’t okay for Donna and if Ryn died and the military excavated her body to run tests and used the “well, wel didn’t know her personally and it’s for science” excuse you’re using would you go “oh damn you right “? No you’d lose what little of your mind you had left. Boy if you don’t get your shit together...

Xander. 

Ugh I hated him the first 2 seasons and he’s redeeming himself. I get that he was upset his dad died and had every right to be but to come back from that and not only forgive and befriend Levi but help the mermaids and lie for them and cover up bodies? He’s a better man than Ben is right now. I also love(d) that he made a new lady friend and didn’t pounce on her like a douche. Honestly for a moment I thought “damn a new love interest already?” even though my gaydar was like WEEWOO WEEWOO THERE’S ONE WE GOT ANOTHER ONE, GIRLS and she’s cute af like top me you soft butch stud you  but the moment she saw Katrina I was like I WAS RIGHT AGAIN JUST LIKE I WAS ABOUT MADDIE’S SIDE SHAVE IN SEASON 1 so I was like this is great, another black queer girl and Xander is being chill af with her and them broing out was gold, I loved it but I didn’t see her seeing Levi coming, which shook me cause I didn’t know what was gonna happen and Xander really stepped up and I loved that he risked his future career and a friendship for this as well as her career. When he saw Ryn in the library (and that was such a pretty library) I honestly wish she leaned up to kiss him even if it was just on the cheek cause he did so much for Ryn and the rest and really deserves more credit. Plus I lowkey live for the little moment between them like her holding his hand at Donna’s grave or when she sat with him at the wake because it just shows so much character growth for both of them and I love the trust that they built and that he treasures even though they have had so little interactions. It’s one of those moments that shows bad actions can be redeemed and restores faith in humanity while so many people are out to harm them.

Helen.

Honorable mention for you being the coolest lady. You should have been treated better with Sarge but the fact that you know so much in spite being 1/8 and not in that hybrid colony just makes you so cool. And now you’re out here trying to edumacate daddy Pownall even though he’s crazy as shit and probably gonna try to kill you. You a real one, Helen. 

Ryn.

You poor thing, having to give up your baby. It’s been a rough go for you lately or....the whole series, I guess, and now your colony was attacked and shit. Again she’s done no wrong and is trying so hard to learn and can’t catch a break. The one thing I do fault her for is not knowing that she shouldn’t have said the bit about her baby being eaten and whatnot because she’s been on land a year and change no and should know human habits better LOL. It was still classic Siren humor tho.

This post is long enough so I wont address anyone else and doubt anyone got to the end but UGH.... I just want Polymarine back. I miss them watching movies in bed and being secure and cute and fluffy and I just need that so much right now.

[car-karaoke]

Popcorn

This is an idea that I haven't been able to get out of my head for the last few months, so I decided to finally put pen to paper (metaphorically speaking). This wasn't a request, and I try to finish those first, so this one has kind of been on the back burner for awhile. Hopefully you guys enjoy it as much as I did!

Warnings: s m u t, fluffy Alex, language

Pairings: Alex H x Reader

--------------------------------------

I really need to get myself a floor length mirror so I can just sit on the floor to do this...you thought to yourself as you sat precariously on top of your cramped bathroom counter trying to apply your makeup. You were trying to do a simple cat eye look and, as usual, one eye looked perfect and the other looked like you applied it drunk and half blind. "Fuck" you muttered to yourself as it smudged yet again. Why did this have to be so difficult tonight of all nights? You were meeting up with Alex and Ida for a movie. You had met them on the set of Vikings. You were merely an extra with no acting experience, your character was so non-important that her name was literally 'Extra 54'. They just needed bodies for a battle scene. But you had bumped into Ida by chance and made quick friends with her and she introduced you to the rest of the cast

Ida was so unbelievably sweet it was hard not to love her. Your adoration for her just barely outweighed the secondary feeling of immense jealousy of wanting to look like her. I mean, she was gorgeous. Anyone with eyes could see that. It would be easy to hate her if she was a bitch, but she's not in the slightest. You tried very hard not to be envious of her, but a decade worth of self loathing was working against you. Still, she was one of your closest friends and she had introduced you to Alex and Marco, who ended up being your other really good friends

For the first few times hanging out with Alex, you tried denying the inevitable feelings you had for him. Like Ida, he was crazy handsome and super charismatic; causing basically everyone to fall in love with him. At this point, you hard to literally swallow your feelings for him every time you saw him. You had to physically stop yourself from touching him. It had become so much of a nuisance that lately, you had tried avoiding him. Things were never going to happen between you two, so why torture yourself? When Alex sent a group text to you, Marco and Ida about going to a movie, you decided it would probably be safe since you wouldn't be alone with him. Marco had plans, but you and Ida said yes

You finally (after much more cursing and a few shots of whiskey) managed to make your eye makeup nearly match. You hopped off the counter and checked your phone for the time. You had about 10 minutes before Alex was supposed to pick you up. You put on some shorts and one of your favorite blouses. It was very flattering of your figure and showed some cleavage, but not a ton. It was a top that made you feel the rare feeling of confidence. You spritzed yourself with perfume and then your phone buzzed. He was here. Alright, you got this Y/N. Just have fun, it is just a fun time at the movies with your friends

You walked down the stairs of your apartment building and went outside to see Alex's car. You walked over to it and opened the passenger side door. You senses were immediately intrigued by the scent of his amazing cologne hitting your nose. "You smell nice!" You pointed out, reaching over and giving him a quick half hug. He grinned at you, blushing lightly

"Thank you! You look nice" he said, looking at your outfit. You shuffled a little in your seat, fidgeting with your shorts before buckling

"So..." you started, looking straight forward and trying not to concentrate on how fucking delicious he looked and smelled. "Are we swinging by Ida's place? I figured you would've picked her up first"

Alex looked slightly embarassed you noticed. "Uhh yeah about that...she cancelled on us..." he glanced over at you to gauge your reaction. You looked confusedly at him. "Yeah she called like half an hour ago and said she was throwing up but that she wanted us to 'go have fun'" he said with air quotations. Your cheeks immediately felt hot. FUCK. Just you and him alone at a movie? Like a date? Oh god damn it. You weren't sure you could get through this in one piece

"I totally understand if you dont want to go now that Ida isn't coming" you blurted out. Alex furrowed his eyebrows at you

"Why would I not want to go just because she's not coming?" He asked seriously. Oh god, did you just give yourself away?

"Well...I just know you're closer with her than you are with me probably and...I dont know..." you stammered, not even looking at him

"You don't know?" He repeated, looking at you with a clenched jaw

"I just...I dunno....I kind of figured you guys like...I dont know...had a thing for each other" you admitted while blushing madly. Alex let out a sharp breath followed by an amused laugh

"Me and Ida?" He laughed again, rubbing his face with both hands. You nodded sheepishly. "No. We're not. Aren't you close with her? I would think she would tell you if she had a thing for me"

"She said there's nothing between you guys yeah. But I didnt know if maybe she was just saying that because she knows how I feel about--" you cut yourself off, mortified that you almost said it. Alex's face, on the other hand, lit up with interest

"Knows how you feel about what??" He pressed excitedly

"No! I'm not telling you Alex! No fucking way!!" You groaned, desperate for him to let it go. But he wouldn't, you knew that

"How you feel about me?" He questioned quietly, his face soft. Your could tell your cheeks were getting redder by the second. You just groaned and buried your face in your hands as Alex started laughing lightly, reaching out a hand to put on your shoulder. "Did I guess right?"

You peeked up between your fingers like a little kid and started laughing at his expression. "Yes, asshole you did" his smile grew even bigger until he bit his bottom lip. "I totally get it if you dont feel the same, we dont have to go to this movie or anything. If you want, I can stop hanging around you guys..." you were interrupted by his lips pressing against yours suddenly. You gasped when his lips hit yours. Holy shit, were you imagining this? He pulled his head back to look at you

"I want to go to this movie with you Y/N. Not as just a friend. I want to take you as my date. I've been sitting over here crushing on you since the first day Ida introduced us" he admitted, hand still cupping your face sweetly. You shook your head in disbelief. No way this was actually happening. "When she said she wasn't coming, I got so fucking excited" he giggled. "I knew immediately that I was going to make my move on you" he said as he stroked your skin

You leaned forward to kiss him again, which he accepted gladly, using both hands this time. You broke apart for air eventually, both of you breathing heavy. "Alright anyways!! Let's go to this movie!" You laughed

"You got it dear" he grinned, putting the car in drive and heading out.

You arrived at the theater with a little time to spare. Alex got out of the car first and walked over to you and immediately grabbed your hand before walking towards the entrance. You looked down at your intertwined hands and smiled. He noticed that and squeezed your hand smiling along with you. "Get used to it, I'm not afraid to show some PDA" he laughed

"I'm not either" you squeezed his hand back as he made a satisfied face before holding the door open for you. You led him inside and made your way to the ticket booth. Before you could even say anything, he pulled out his wallet and bought two tickets before returning to you with a smirk and handing you one

"I got us seats in one of those suite things!" He said excitedly. You knew what he was talking about since you'd done that a few times. They were separate areas where the customers got to be separated from the rest of the theater. Your mind immediately raced to the dirty thoughts that had been trying to escape since you met him. You could probably get away with some of that in there....you wondered if he was thinking the same thing...

Alex asked if you wanted some popcorn to which you agreed. He led you to the food counter, still holding your hand. "Ooo! We need these!" He said enthusiastically as he grabbed two boxes of candy. You giggled. What an adorable little man child you thought to yourself. He purchased the food and drinks and you guys headed to your little secluded area in the theater. You were thankful to see that the chairs in there were like the others, connected with armrests that you could move out of the way. Alex sat down in one of the chairs, situating the drinks, candy and popcorn strategically around you both

"Wont be needing this thing" Alex gestured to the armrest. "We've been waiting too long to cuddle each other" he moved it out of the way as you silently agreed, nodding your head quickly with eager eyes. "C'mere lovely" he gestured to you, arm out waiting to put it around you. You happily leaned in, snuggling against his side and inhaling his scent again

"You smell so fucking good" you giggled, nuzzling your head into his chest. He laughed heartily, his hand immediately sliding under your shirt to rub your back

"Thanks baby, you do too" he smiled, then you felt his body tense up. "Are you okay if I call you stuff like that?" He asked suddenly. "I can stop, I didnt even think about that, it just sort of slipped out...I'm just really fucking excited this is happening" he stuttered. You immediately looked up at him reassuringly

"I am too! I'm completely fine with you calling me things like that, it's fucking adorable" you smiled pushing your head up to kiss his cheek. He smiled lovingly at you before pulling your head back to kiss your lips. Both of you were smiling into the kiss, little satisfied noises escaping your lips. You carefully let your tongue poke out slightly to trace his bottom lip. Alex responded immediately by moaning quietly and letting his tongue slip into your mouth. Alex's hands were already hungrily roaming around your body, while yours were doing the same. You still couldn't believe this was happening, so you wanted to touch as much of him as you possibly could before you woke up from this dream

You felt his hand tentatively brush along your ass, as if he was waiting to see what your reaction was. When you bit down on his lip softly in response, he all but growled and squeezed your cheeks hard. You had to stop yourself from straight up straddling him right there and instead let your hand drift under his shirt and started tracing patterns along his hips with your nails softly. He moaned very audibly. You smirked in the darkness, knowing you had this affect on him. Just as you were about to plunge your hand deeper down his jeans, the movie started with an extremely loud intro, causing both of you to jump in your seats and snap out of the little world you were in

Your heart was racing from being startled in such a moment, you had instinctively squeezed your arms around Alex's torso and hid your face when the noise hit your ears. Alex just so happened to straighten up immediately and shield your body with his, wrapping his arms around you protectively. When he realized it was just the movie, he burst out laughing. You loosened your grip around him and peeked out, looking at the movie screen in betrayal

"What the HELL?!" you half yelled half laughed. Alex continued laughing as he mumbled something in Danish

"Scared the shit out of me" he laughed, rubbing your back soothingly. "I was prepared to beat some guy down!"

You laughed along with him, relaxing your body and leaning back into him, just more innocently this time. "So protective, I like it" you giggled. Alex smirked down at you, grabbing your hand and bringing it to his lips for a kiss

"M'lady" he said in a sultry voice. You pressed your lips together in a smile and thanked him. The movie actually was pretty interesting, both you and Alex were pretty into it. He kept his arm around you the entire time, snacking on the popcorn and candy with his free hand. He liked to feed you little bits of popcorn playfully while making a comment on the movie. Everything was going wonderfully and you were both managing to keep things fairly innocent until the female lead in the movie started making out with the male lead in the shower. Your mind immediately went straight to the gutter as you pictured that being the both of you. Please don't show them having sex, I'm gunna freak the fuck out you thought to yourself. As if on cue, the couple started doing exactly that. You had been mindlessly tracing Alex's arm with your hand before this scene, and you just now realized you had stopped

Alex was trying to hide the smirk on his face. He had certainly noticed. He leaned down to your ear and whispered lowly to you. "Is something distracting you love?"

You tried to feign innocence and looked up at him with your most convincing 'normal' face. "Shower sex can be such a hassle sometimes" you blurted out. He grinned at you and nodded his head in agreement

"It can be yeah, but not if you're with someone who knows what they're doing. And if you've got a big enough shower" he added. Your cheeks grew hot. The actors were moaning and had just made their way over to a bed and just continued on from there. Your eyes were glued to the screen. Alex's eyes were glued to you. You crossed your legs to try and relieve some of the tension growing there. The movie was insinuating that the guy had just started going down on his woman. You felt your core literally tighten as you took a shaky breath in. Alex didnt miss a beat

"I fucking love doing that" he whispered in your ear, causing you to whimper ever so softly. He hummed in your ear and gently bit your earlobe. "I wanna do that to you so fucking bad..." he trailed on, a smirk plastered on his face. His hand trailed down to your crossed legs, letting it wander painfully slow in between your legs that you just uncrossed for him. You felt his breath on your ear again. "If I were to stick my hand down your shorts right now, how wet would you be smukke?"

"Soooo unbelievably wet" you moaned, unable to help yourself. Alex hummed pleasantly

"Good" he said simply before plunging his hand down there without warning. You weren't lying, you were already so wet for him. His fingers slid up and down your slick folds with ease before he circled around your clit with angel-like softness. "Fuck..." he muttered darkly, pushing your head to the side with his nose and immediately biting down on your neck. You groaned in pleasure, hand instinctively going to his crotch. You could feel his massive erection through his jeans

"Seems I'm not the only one excit--" you gasped as he plunged two fingers inside of you. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head. His fingers felt so impossibly good inside of you

"What were you saying?" He asked cheekily. You just laughed in response, eyes closed as you unzipped his pants and freed his cock. You tilted you head to the side and opened your eyes. God that thing was going to fill you to the brim. You started stroking it, earning another moan from Alex, who had temporarily stopped finger fucking you to roll his head back in pleasure. You quickly glanced around to check if anyone was looking. Nope, you guys were clear. You continued pumping him as he got closer and closer to the edge. He had continued fingering you as well, causing you to nearly climax before pulling his fingers out of you

"Hey!" You huffed in frustration as he shifted in his seat. He just smirked and propped himself up, leaning over to kiss you

"Hush my sweet one, I need to do something" he looked at you with mischievous eyes. God he looked and sounded EXACTLY like Ivar at that moment, turning you on even more. But what the hell was he doing? Oh god...

Alex glanced around him quickly then kneeled down in front of your lap. He wasn't going to....yup. He was. He slowly pulled your shorts and panties down while looking directly at you. He gently pushed your legs open with his calloused hands. You swear you could see his eyes turning darker as he took you in. "Gods you're beautiful..." he murmured before kissing your inner thigh. You couldn't form words, all you could do was stare at him hungrily. His long fingers reached towards your core, sliding so easily into your entrance. He looked up at you for your permission, mouth pulling closer to where you wanted him most. "Say it" he ordered softly. You moaned at his voice, biting your lip hard. "No no my love SAY it. I'm not going to do it unless you give me permission" he said slyly, kissing directly above your clit

"Fuck" you breathed out, reaching down to yank on his hair. He groaned happily but didn't close the gap yet. "I want you so bad Alex god damn it. Pleeease" you whispered. That's all he needed. With a satisfied smile, he dove into your pussy, licking a long strip up your folds before circling his tongue around your clit and sucking it into his mouth, fingers slowly moving inside of you. It took everything in you not to cry out in pleasure. That man KNEW what he was doing. Your grip on his hair tightened as you pushed his head closer to you. He moaned against your wet folds, voice vibrating through your skin, causing you to shiver

"You taste...fucking...amazing" he moaned as he kissed all around it. Your legs were already shaking

"Shiiiit Aleeeex" you whimpered, making him speed up his pumps as he went back to sucking your clit. Your vision was cloudy as the pleasure built inside of you. You were so incredibly overstimulated by everything happening right now. The act itself of getting eaten out was usually enough to make you swoon. The fact that it was Alex doing it to you skyrocketed that feeling. The fact that you were getting eaten out by Alex in a fucking theater where anyone could catch you? Altogether almost too much. You felt like you were going to explode. And you did, all over Alex's fingers with an orgasm that was quickly swallowed by his lips

"Ohhh smukke" Alex groaned against your lips as he knelt in front of you. He was holding your head in place by the back of your neck as he kissed you fiercely. You were suddenly very thankful that you were sitting down, because your legs were shaking so bad that if you were standing up, you would've surely fallen over. Alex's other hand slid down your leg and felt the rapid movement, he looked up at you with concern in his eyes. "Baby, are you okay?" He whispered as he rubbed your leg soothingly

You managed a small laugh and nodded quickly. "More than okay" you reassured him. "Alex...that was...amazing" you pulled his head towards yours again and rested your forehead against his. Alex's smile was from ear to ear, looking at you with such adoration

"Wanna get out of here?" He asked you huskily, kissing your cheek, then nose, then forehead then other cheek. You giggled and nodded excitedly. You started getting up before realizing that you were still naked from the waist down and immediately cursed, stumbling back into your seat. Your arm got caught in between the chairs and you both bursted out laughing. Alex, even though he was laughing hysterically, immediately reached out to help you get unstuck. He helped slide your panties back on with an added kiss to each thigh. Then came your shorts. Finally dressed, you got up and snuck out hand in hand with Alex, leaving your popcorn and soda behind. The only evidence to be found was the little wet dab of cum on the seat left behind and your combined giddy laughter as you hurriedly left the theater

------------------------------------------------------

GUYS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!! It was a long time coming and I am very proud of this one! Let me know what you all think and like/reblog if you enjoyed it!! I appreciate you guys so much ❤

@odinsravendutchess @peaceisadirtyword @ivaraddict @ivarlcthbrok @honestsycrets @meleedamage @lisinfleur @grungyblonde @laketaj24 @headedforvalhalla @forvalhallaandodin @dangerousvikings @thevikingsheaux @kissme-hs @ivarthebonelessvk @ivar-theboneless @ivarslittlebadgirl @ivarsshieldmadien @ivarswickedqueen @ivars-heathen-army @therealcalicali @nikky-the-writer @oddsnendsfanfics @angryschnauzer @vikingsbifrost @vikingsstories @vikingdrabbles @ravens-of-kattegat @lisinfleur @ivarsrideordie @justacripple @normatural @tephi101 @whisperer-of-freya

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Happier (Taehyung x You ONESHOT)

A/N: This is one of the first requests in my inbox and im sorry it took this long to write this. I just got inspired last mightt. sorryy love youuu

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here. if anyone here like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

MASTERLIST

Walking down 29th and Park I saw you in another’s arms You look happier

“Hey, woah slow down Tae. How many glass have you drank?” Jimin snatched his glass away and Taehyung smirked.

“Oh come on Chim. Its a party. A happy occassion! Shouldnt we be happy too? Let me drink!” He growls and tries to get his glass back but Jimin pull his hand away.

“How long are you going to be this way? Are you going to get drunk everytime you remember her? Everytime theres a couple? A wedding? An engagement? Anything thats reeks happiness or reminds you of love?!”

“Yeah. I am! So what?!” Taehyung growls and sneered at his friend, trying to find another glass.

“Get over her already Kim Taehyung!” Jimin yelled. “Get over Y/N!”

“I cant. Not when she looks so happy in another man’s arm. No one should be able to make her happy like that except for me Chim! No one!” Taehyung sighed and slumped down on the chair.

“But you are the one wbo blew it Tae. Its your own damn fault and you got no one to blame,” Jimim rubs his friend’s back. He knows how heart broken Taehyung is but theres realy no one else to blame but himself. “Now man up. Its a party and you wont ruined it just because you cant see anyone else happy and in love!” Jimin growls and shakes Taehyung’s shoulder. “Shes happier now and you should be happy for her, and thats that,”

Saw you walk inside a bar He said something to make you laugh I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours Yeah, you look happier, you do

Its only been a few months after their fateful breakup that Taehyung saw Y/N again. He saw her in her favorite scarf and beanie, fighting the cold weather, her nose and the tip of her ears slightly pink. Taehyung loves that look on her. He always teased her about it when they were together. Without realizing, his legs has taken him into her direction, wanting nothing more than to tap her shoulder and tell her how much he misses her, but Taehyung never get the opportunity when clumsy as she is, she bumped into someone the moment she walked into the bar, spilling the glasses of beer the man is holding. And before he knows it, the two of them are talking and laughing to the wee hours, the man’s friends forgotten and Taehyung sat alone by the corner, just staring at them.

His last memory of hers… her crying face, her eyes thats filled with pain.. now is replaced by the wide smile on her face, laughing at something the man said. If only Taehyund had walked faster. If only Taehyung grabbed her hand first before she enters the bar, if only she wasnt clumsy. So many ifs but everything is too late when all he can see now is Y/N’s big grin that matches the man as they exchanged phone numbers.

If only he could turn back time and treat her right.

Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you But ain’t nobody love you like I do

Y/N and Taehyung has been together for almost 10 years. Well, they will be 10 in a few months and Y/N loves him like no other. Dating an idol was never easy. Especially if the said idol is extremely well known and good looking and she is just a normal girl. Its fate they met and fall in love. Y/N had refused his invitation for drinks multiple times when they first met, but Taehyung was relentless. He keeps showing up and asking her out, and who in the world could resist Kim Taehyung’s charms when he decides to put it to good use on someone. So, after months of persuading and convincing, Y/N finally said yes to a coffee date.

A simple coffee date turns to talking all day long. They laugh, they share their interests, they shared stories, and they even continued their coffee date to a night walk by the Han river which they ended up sitting and talking until the break of dawn. As Taehyung walks Y/N home, he finally finds the courage to ask for her phone number and one simple coffee date turns to lunches, movies, walk in the parks, dinners and on their 10th date, Taehyung finally asks her to officially become his, which Y/N said yes to without hesitation.

Taehyung and Y/N are madly in love, and eventhough they were not allowed to date in public, that didnt seem to stop them as their love for each other burns quite strongly. Y/N believes that no matter what happen, they can take it, just as long as Taehyung continues to love her.

Nine years they have been together. They are in love and happy and Taehyung couldnt have asked for more. Y/N is understanding, beautiful, smart, sweet and everything else he ever wanted in a girl, but Yerin came like a summer breeze in his comfortable winter with Y/N. Hr met when Yerin, a rookie idol, was casted as one of the model for their music video. She is fresh, young, charming and new and for some odd reason, out of the sevem boys, she seemed to be interested in him. Yerin didnt know at first, to the world Taehyung is a single man, and by the time she found out that Taehyung is in a long term serious relationship, she has already fallen too deep in love with him,amd a girlfriend wont stop her efforts in persuing Kim Taehyung.

Relentless and determined to make Taehyung hers, she become his dream girl, his one place to vent about work stress… or when he has fight with Y/N. Tiny unimportant arguments turns into bigger fights led Taehyung to not coming home for days. And Yerin swoop in to take the opportunity and on one drunken night at a bar listening to Taehyung vent about the fights led to sleepless night in her bed, doing things he shouldnt have. One night turns to many, once a week turns to almost everyday and soon enough Taehyung is convinced that he is in love with Yerin too.

So Y/N becomes a punch bag. A person to release his anger on when he got into a fight with Yerin. When he is jealous about Yerin’s intinate closeness with her co star. Smiles and sweet nothings are only whispered in Yerin’s ears and only harsh words of insults and yelling are left for Y/N.

Nine years theu have been together. Ten in a few months, and Y/N knkws something has changed in her relationship Taehyung. Is it her? Did she do something? Did she changed? Is that why Taehyung hates her so much?

Tears dripped down on the cold floor as she kneeled down to pick up the remains of the food that she worked so hard to cook as a surprise for him and scattered pieces of the broken plate that Taehyung threw on the floor earlier before storming out. Just because she asks him where he had been when she calls the dorm and the boys said he were not there. Just because of that one question, Taehyung pushed down everything on the table to the floor in rage before storming off, not coming home for the next three days. Dont even get her started on the harsh words Taehyung said to her every day, cancelling on date nights for no reason at all even when she is already fully dressed and pushing her away when she tries to kiss him. Y/N starts to keep to herself, crying herself to sleep whenever Taehyung stormed off or didnt make it home for the night, keeping quiet when he is around, afraid anything she said will set him off, all the while trying to think of the mistake she did that seems to make Taehyung to stop loving her.

But no matter how she tried, she doesnt know why. Y/N was almost convinced that maybe Taehyung’s love for her has expired. Maybe love does have an expired date after all. After all, they have been together for nearly 10 years, maybe he is bored of her already.

Then one fateful day, when she decides to come home early from work, she finally found out why.

The red stilletos placed neatly in front of the door is definitely not hers. But even with a panic rising in her chest, Y/N tries to reason with herself. Maybe one of the boys comes over to visit Taehyung and brought their girlfriend with them. Yes, that could be it. But the dim lighted house when she entered and the trail of clothes leading to their bedroom are making it hard to believe the reason she just came out with.

The noise she heard as she neared the room is making her thoughts came true and the sight she sees when she pushed open the door slightly confirmed everything.

Y/N covered her mouth with both of her hand as she stood there watching her boyfriend thrusting in and out of a woman she has never seen before. Their loud moans and being lost in pleasure distract them from seeing her there, and with tears running down her face, Y/N turned around and went out from the house, eliminating all traces that she has been there and witness the whole thing.

Maybe its a one time thing. She can forgive a one time thing right? Everyone make mistakes and Taehyung is only human. He loves her. Taehyung still loves her.

Atleast that is what she keeps tellimg herself as she comes home hours later, pretending like nothing happened.

Y/N’s hope and trust that its a one time thing broke into pieces when she starts to caught them multiple times, everywhere. Even worse when she caught Taehyung talking to the girl on the phone, and texting her. Her heart shattered into pieces when she finally heard it. Taehyung’s hush voice, under the blanket.

“I love you Yerin, goodnight angel,”

All this time Y/N pretended not to know that her boyfriend is sleeping with someone else, in her own house too. She pretended not to know, hoping its just a fling, something Taehyung needed to get out from his system. She knows she can forgive him, just as long as he tells her he still loves her.

But telling the other girl he loves her? Y/N knew then that their relationship is over. And she knows just the perfect gift she could give to the man she loves, one last time.

Sat on the corner of the room Everything’s reminding me of you Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you’re happier Aren’t you?

Why didnt he notice her smile that just didnt reached her eyes anymore? Or the way she goes to bed early? Or how she always refuses date night saying shes too exhausted? And her puffy and red eyes like she has been crying all night when she wakes him up for breakfast? Why didnt he see all that?

Taehyung took a swig from the already half empty bottle as he thinks about all the things he should have noticed. Things that showed Y/N already knows about his infidelity. Knows how he already broke her heart.Things he should have done. This is his usual routine whenever they dont have a schedule now, crawled into a corner at a nameless bar where no one would recognize him and drinks up one whole bottle or whatever bottle that he is sober enough to order next, thinking about his memories with Y/N. The good memories, the bad memories, and just memories of her. The way she walks, talks, laugh and smile. The way she always smell, of roses and vanilla, the way she needs to drink a cup of milk before she can fall asleep, the way she loves to dance in the rain. Every single thing reminds Taehyung of Y/N. So he drinks. He keeps on drinking until all theres left are hazy memories of her, and yet, when he wakes up after passing out at some alleyway the next morning, her face is always the first thing that appeared in his mind.

Taehyung shouldnt be this way. He shouldnt even feel this way. He shouldnt even be thinking about Y/N at all. Y/N has found someone new. Someone who can make her laugh better, smile wider, happier even, and she dont need him anymore. But why is it Taehyung needs her more than ever now?

Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you But ain’t nobody need you like I do I know that there’s others that deserve you But my darling, I am still in love with you

“T-Taehyung?” Y/N’s sleepy eyes popped wide open when she realized who is at her door at 4 am in the morning, looking drunk as hell and disheveled.

“Baybeeeee,” Taehyung slurred as he stumbled into the door, trying to kiss her but Y/N avoided him.

“Tae go home. Its 4 am and you are drunk,”

“I-Im not drunkkk. I want to see my babybeee,” he giggles and stumbled into the couch.

“Tae…” Y/N sighed. “Just stay there. Ill make some coffee to help you sober up and then maybe you can go home,” Y/N make sure he is safe and comfortable on the couch before heading to the kitchen to make him the coffee and some snacks. By the time she came back, Taehyung is already fast asleep, drooling on her couch. She stood there in front of him, a steaming cup of coffee in one hand, looking at him sadly.

“I guess… we just have to talk tomorrow then. Sleep well Taehyung,”

/////

“Hey… how are you feeling?” Taehyung feels like he has woken up in heaven when the first thing he sees is Y/N’s face smiling in front of him if its not for the killer headache attacking his head right at that moment.

“Like dying,” he groans out. Y/N giggles at his answer and even then he feels his heart skipped a beat from the sound.

“I know. You are hangover. Drink this. It will help,” she pushes a glass of hot beverage in front of him and some pills. “And I made breakfast too. Eat up before you go okay,” the thought of Y/N making him breakfast sends his heart into a frenzy but then he remembers her next words, ‘before you go’ . Right. They are no longer together. He can no longer lounge and watch TV with her, legs tangling together after breakfast or his favorite, making sweet sweet love to her. Y/N belongs to someone else now. And he needs to go after he eats breakfast.

“Yeah.. thanks,” he takes a sip of the drink and swallow his pills. “I take it I was drunk and showed up at your house at late hours last night?”

“4 am to be exact,” she smiles.

“I’m really sorry Y/N,”

“Its okay Tae. It happens. I understand. Eat up and sober up okay? Your brothers must be worried about you,” she smiles again and start to get up but Taehyung stop her by pulling her hand.

“No. Theres no possible way that you can understand Y/N,” he looks at her straight in the eye. “You wont be able to understand how much I miss you, need you,”

“Taehyung, dont,” Y/N tries to shake her hand loose but to no avail.

“Please Y/N…”

“I-I dont know what you are asking from me. Taehyung we are over. I have met someone new now,” Y/N tries to shake her hand off again. “Tae… I’m happy with him,” Her words were like a blade to Taehyung’s heart. “You know I’m happy with him,”

“Y/N… I know you deserve to be happy. I know theres someone out there that deserves you more than me, that can treat you better, love you better…” he trailed off, hoping for a reaction.

Y/N just kept quiet, finally able to take her hand back after Taehyung let it go.

“But Y/N… give me a chance. You have loved me before. You can love me again. I will treat you the way you really deserve Y/N. Please…,” Taehyung begged, his eyes wide. “Y/N… I still love you. I am still so in love with you. I cant forget you. I cant move on from you,”

“Tae… please dont do this,” Y/N sniffles, tears threatening to fall down. “You know I love you before Tae. You are everything to me,” she cups his face. “But its over. You didnt choose me. So I chooses someone new Tae. And this breakup is the only gift I could give you,”

I could try to smile to hide the truth I know I was happier with you

“Happy anniversary Kim Taehyung. I cant believe its our 10th year together now,” Y/N smiles at him and Taehyung smiles back. God, he misses that smile. So beautiful. A smile that never fails to make all his bad days turns good again. That smile that never leave her face no matter how bad Taehyung treated her all this years. Abandoned her, keeping her a secret, yells at her, making her a punching bag, push her around, hurt her… everything bad he did, she only replied with that smile.

Why am I so stupid? Taehyung thought to himself. He already have the perfect angel bestowed upon him and all he do is take her for granted and hurt her. I’m never going to make her cry out of sadness ever again. Ever. I’m going to make it right this time. Who am I kidding? No one will ever be able to make as happy as she is. Y/N is the only one for me. Forever and always. I’m at my happiest only when I’m with her, and I’ll keep it that way.

Yerin was a mistake. He never loved her. He realized that now. Everything he did with her is out of lust, and blinded feelings. Y/N deserves better. Y/N is the only girl for him and he knows that now. Taehyung just hopes that he is not too late.

“Happy anniversary baby,” Taehyung closes the gap between them and hold her hand. He leans in to give her a kiss but Y/N titlted her head, avoiding it, making Taehyung confused. “Baby? Everything okay?”

“Everything is more than okay. Its great even,” Y/N smiles again, but her smile is sad this time. Taehyung furrowed her brows. Whats happening? He starts to panics when tears starts falling down her cheeks softly, but the smile still etched across her face.

“T-then why are you crying baby?”

“N-nothing. I’m just going to give you your present okay?”

“Okay. But wait!” Taehyung reached on the table and take the gift box that he had wrapped so carefully. “Open mine first. Its not much baby but I promise everything is changing starting now. That present is just the beginning,” he grins, knowing Y/N couldnt possibly understand what he is talking about.

“I…” Y/N looks down, not moving to take the box. “Just… I want to give you my present first okay Taehyung?”

“O-okay then baby. What is it?”

“I’m afraid its not something material,” she smiles. “But I know you will love it,”

“Really? What is it baby?” Taehyung smiles warmly at her. “Whatever it is you are giving me, I will like it anyway. Because it came from you,”

Y/N smiles and didnt say anything, moving closer to him and take his hand, her thumb carresing the back of his hand before the other carressed his cheeks. Her eyes look into his deeply, as if trying to remember his face one last time. Taehyung feels panic rising in his chest but keeps on smiling.

“My gift for you Taehyung, is a bit special. Since its our 10 years anniversary,” she looks down for a moment before lifting her eyes to look back into his, glazed with tears. “I’m giving you your freedom,”

“What do you mean? What freedom?”

“I’m breaking up with you Tae,” Y/N smiles softly, tears are again cascading down her cheeks.

“Breaking up?! What?! Baby no! I-”

“Listen to me!” Y/N raised her hand to stop him from talking. “I’m breaking up with you Tae, so you dont have to. I know about you and Yerin and I also know about how long it has been going on,” Taehyung felt all the blood is gone from his face as he tries to grab Y/N’s hand but she flinched away. “I’m giving you freedom from me Tae. So you dont have to cheat anymore. Go to her,”

“Baby no! I’m sorry!” Taehyung is also crying now. “Baby, I swear. Its a mistake. I-”

“Its not a mistake when it has been going on for more than a year Tae,” Y/N gave him a small smile. “I can see your face Tae. Your exhaustion whenever you are with me. How forced you feel when you have to come back to me when all you want is to be with her, right? Its alright. This is my final gift to you. You dont have to feel bad anymore. And I wont put this against you,” Y/N nods and pulls out something from behind the couch, her luggage that Taehyung recognized so well. He recognized because they bought it together. The stickers on it a reminder of all the places they have been together, creating memories, but now all torned up, leaving the surface if the luggage empty. Is she throwimg all their memories away?

“No. No! I’m not letting you go! Y/N, I’m sorry. I know. I know my mistake is too huge to be forgiven, but give me a chance to redeem myself. Just dont leave me, plesse baby,” he pleaded, begging desperately.

“I cant do that Tae. Every night when you didnt come home I cried in my bed, my head spinning, thinking if you are with her tonight. Thinking if you are doing the things you used to do with me. Are you happy with her? Are you sleeping soundly in her arms? I cant do that anymore Tae. I’m sorry but I cant,”

“I swear Y/N. Its over. Its really is over! Its you. You are the one I want. The one I love!” Taehyung tries to pull her back when she tries to wheel her luggage out the door.

“Tae.. I keep on thinking, wondering. Is there anything else that I could have done, that I should have do to prevented you from doing it… but I cant think of anything. I have given you my everything Tae bur its not enough,” Y/N sobs. “I realized it now. Im not enough. A-and this is the last thing I can give you to proof how much I love you,”

“If you love me, please dont go Y/N. Please dont. I will change. Ill do anything you want, please Y/N. I love you, I love you,” Taehyung is already on his knees, hugging her waist but she peeled off his hands that di wrapped around her.

“You dont love me Tae. If you do you wouldnt have done it. There must be something about her that makes you keep coming back… and I’m giving you the freedom to enjoy that with her. That is my last gift to you,” Y/N pushed his hands away and with tear stricken face turn to him one last time. “Happy anniversary Tae, you know I love you, but my love alone is not enough. You will be happier without me. Goodbye my love,”

And with that, Y/N walks out, never looking back.

Baby, you look happier, you do I knew one day you’d fall for someone new But if he breaks your heart like lovers do Just know that I’ll be waiting here for you

“Its been years Tae… you need to accept the fact that Y/N is happy and she is getting married okay?” Jimin sympathetically looks at his friend. “You want her to be happy dont you? And look at her Tae,” Jimin points to the front, where the main couple of the engagement party stood. “She looks so happy. Jungkook makes her happy, and you know that. He treats her right. She has been happy ever since she met Kookie at the bar,”

Taehyung look at the newly engaged couple in front of the room, Jungkook pulling Y/N, his now fiancee, in for a kiss as she blushes shyly and gave a weak smile towards Jimin.

“She doesnt just look happy Chim,” Taehyung said, making Jimin turned to him,curious as to what his friend is going to say. “She looks extremely happier. Happier than she ever did with me… and thats a good thing right?” Taehyung finishes off his glass in one gulp. “But I’ll be here Chim. I’ll be waiting for her here, forever. And if I ever be given the chance again, then I’ll make her even happier than that,”

[yellowsounds124-blog]

----

I have something I need to share. Not with you, with someone else but that'll never happen, its simply not possible, but I need this off my chest and dont have a safe place for it. With your stance on abortion, I figured you would be a good place, sense you wont see the fetus in this story as a "clump of cells" Growing up, my dad was not okay. He was abusive. It took me years and years to say this because through all the running away and calling the police, not going home- I was told over and over that it was fine because he wasnt raping me or punching me in the face. The pushing, screaming inches from my face, tearing apart my stuff, throwing things at me, making me change in front of him, refusing to be by me in public if I didnt look good enough...didnt matter. I was told I was being ridiculous and should be greatful. My friends.. I would beg them please dont leave me alone with him if he ask you to leave the room. But they always would what were they suppose to do? I wouldnt be allowed to talk to anyone to go out for months at a time. So there was a huge foundation of fear, and protecting myself. At some point, i met this guy (brother of my friend), and I just loved him, and he loved me to. He was a POC, once we started with each other his sister hated me for some reason, which made his mom hate me. And my parents hated him (I later figured this was a race and class thing for my father) so being together involved a lot of sneaking around, a lot of giving up, a lot of trying again, the sneaking around would get me in more trouble, especially if it was known it was with him. At this point, I didnt tell anyone how bad it was, I started self mutation. If I wasnt with him (we will call him Kay for the sake of thevstory) I would do any drug I could get and have sex or mess with whoever showed interest (well almost). It was how I would cope as I didnt think I could tell anyone. How could I say anything about what I was going through when I had a friend being raped by her brother, a friend who's dad just up and left, a friend whos mom called her fat and made her diet? I was literally a wreck and the worst part of the cycle was being this wreck made him more angry, he'd treat me worse, and I'd further wreck myself. So about Kay, we went on and off for years, then he moved in with a friend who was only a street away, I wasnt at a 8-3 school anymore and he graduated do it was really easy to be together. I immediately broke up with this other guy I was seeing (we will call him Colin) that my dad liked so I would use him to be able to leave the house ect so I could be with Kay. It was only a month and a half of perfection before it started falling apart. Kay wanted to talk to my father, he didnt know what things were like except that he didnt like him. He thought he could talk to him about how much he loved me and make things better, and I freaked out. He knew I was hurting myself, a few months before my father** had saw the marks and yelled at me asking if I was crazy, asking what the hell was wrong with me, telling me it was disgusting and I stayed in a padded room for a night before being released sense I wasnt suicidal, and Kay saw on my body that I had found a new more hidden place after that incident. He thought he could save me, and we would get married and be happy, but I knew if he went to talk to my father that my father would send him off and I would pay for trying such a thing. * That's when I made multiple huge mistakes that I havent shared with people, 9 years later. First, i broke up with him and told him i didnt even like him and needed time to discover myself,stuff like that. I never stopped loving him. To this day, I'm sure I'd still fall apart at his touch. *Within that same week, I missed my period, I again wasnt able to leave the house, I bought a tested while at the store with my mom, was caught and ordered to take it as soon as we were back. This was bad because if it was negative, I was going to be in trouble for basically no reason. And again this "trouble" wasnt normal. It meant my things wouldbe torn apart. I would be held down and screamed at, spit on not allowed to talk. But it wasnt negative, it was positive. And my mom was waiting downstairs, and I knew this only had a small handful of outcomes. Either they would send me off and have me give the baby up for adoption while being under close watch the whole time, or they would make me get rid of the baby. Abortion. So I did the first thing that came to mind, I called Colin. I told him I was pregnant and it was his. And that I couldnt talk right now. Then I told my mom, and immediately told her that Colin knew. To me, this was security. If he knew, someone would be checking in on me, he would tell his parents, another adult would he involved, if I disappeared there would be questions. And I knew I was right because I told my mom he knew and immediately she was upset I did that. I went in for an ultrasound, found out how far I was, quickly gave Colin a photo and shut the door on him. And the problems started. The dates dont match up, Colin said. I told him hes wrong. His parents wanted a paternity test, I said that's not possible itll hurt the baby. They claimed it wouldnt. I convinced Colin it was his and I just knew. He knew i had been seeing Kay but took my word.Then i heard from Kay, he heard I was pregnant. If he even thought it was his he would be at my door, trying to figure things out, trying to talk to my parents. But my father would not respect him the way he would Colin, so if anyone knew it was Kay's, I would be hurt, punished, sent away. I was terrified, I cant even explain the level of panic I had for my safety. I told Kay it wasnt his, there was no single way, and to leave me alone forever. It hurt so much to tell him that, it felt so wrong and I hated it and I knew it hurt him and I was so broken over it. After that, i was still stuck. The dates didnt match, Colin's parents wanted a paternity test, *the baby was partly a POC and might not come out white, so I wouldnt be able to pass them off as Colin's. I couldnt sleep. My father wasmt speaking to me and wasnt even around, really. I stayed in my room. My parents were pushing for me to get an abortion. "Were just going to the clinic so you can see what its like" my mom said when she took me to the abortion clinic. It was down a stair case, there were no protesters. They took my blood, they walked me through everything and asked when they could set up an appointment. They asked me one time if I wanted to do this, in front of my mom who stared me down. When she brought me back, she paid extra for them to put me to sleep. While I waited with the IV and the last ultra sound pictures I'd have done, I started crying. My mom wasnt there for this part, a nurse asked me why I was crying, she was so angry about it. I said sorry and tried to stop. She didnt ask if i wanted to do this, no one told me that i was at the point where the baby was like a small miniature looking baby, only slightly misshapen. No one told me it had tiny hands and feet, or what they would do with it afterward. And no one made sure i wanted this. When I went in the room I was alone with a Male doctor, and I remember how unusual that was as I had always been asked if I wanted someone else in the room if left with a Male doctor. And I laid on the doctor bed, and I remember think I should say something, this is my last chance, and then I was asleep. When I woke up I was given pads, they told my mom, not me, even though I was 17, that I would bleed for a few days. I never went to the check up appointment. I stayed in my room, I scanned every blood clot for a piece of the baby. I slept and cried, when I heard from Colin I told him that I lost the baby. That's all. I lost the baby. People spread rumors it wasnt ever real. I didn't care. I didnt leave my room. I didnt shower, I barely ate. I gave up Kay, and all my friends connected to him, Colin started dating my bestfriend and they talked shit about me, I lost everyone connected to them. I was just alone. My father came back and was around more. They never talked to me about it, never asked if I was okay. I was like that for months, before finding friends online, forcing myself to listen to happy music, go out, pretending. Fake it till you make it. I met two people, we will call Slw and Ice- who helped me in that time more than they will ever know because they didnt know about it. Slw once asked why we didnt hang out with my friends and I got really upset with him but they both helped me so much. Ice reminded me it was okay to hurt and not be okay, he just didnt know what about. I made more friends, I am so greatful for every single one because they are the only reason I dudnt take my own life in those following years. Things got bad again. I got bad. I am better now, I have kids. People say I am a good mom. But ever sense "getting better" I think about that baby everyday. I worry life will take one of my babies that are here because I let that one die. How can I be a good mom when I let that happen? And I dont deserve them. And I am so sorry to that child. I could have found another way. I could have spoke more. That childs dad would have loved them and had no choice. I hate myself for this, every day. And again, have no where to go to talk about it. Like I said I just needed to get it off my chest because it eats me alive, everyday. Regardless of if people think abortion is right or wrong. To me, I know I got rid of a baby with a future, and its minimalized.

[clearrx7]

Hicsqueak fic I wish I(or anyone, I’m not picky!) could write: So there’s a lot of discussion about what would happen if in the finale, Hecate sacrificed her magic to the founding stone and had to deal with the aftermath (and I love this idea because it’s SO PAINFUL but like... the thought of the Hubbles + Pippa helping her learn to deal with it is also just SO GOOD). 

I am here to propose an alternative! What if.... Pippa was the one who made that sacrifice? (Kay I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself, this idea kind of got away from me and I realllllly wish I could turn it into the long, well written, fully fleshed out fic that I want it to be instead of like a badly put together outline of an idea BUT THIS IS ALL I AM CAPABLE OF). I hope it’s not TOO cringey, but I can never tell with stuff that I put out : ]

What if Julie didn’t show up to Cackle’s because the magic ran out before mini-Julie reached her? Mildred isn’t unfrozen, and Mould’s change of heart comes too late. The school freezes over, and everyone left inside is a popsicle. The other teachers (Drill, Bat, Algernon) wait at the town for them to show up, and keep trying to reassure the students with placating words like “oh I’m sure they’ll be fine, let’s sing another song”, but getting less and less convincing every minute. 

Clarice and Bea are guilty/angry/beating themselves up about not going back for Sybil. After a certain amount of time, Dimity loses the last bit of hope she’s holding onto, and knows it’s time to tell the Great Wizard. She manages to contact him, and the two of them inform the parents of the children that there’s been an incident at Cackle’s. However, he’s trying to do damage control, worried about how it would look if the public knew the truth and orders the remaining Cackle’s staff to keep it vague and not reveal anything about the founding stone or what exactly happened to cause the mass evacuation. 

He sends magical missives to the heads of other schools in the area, since there are now a couple hundred schooless witches that need a place to go. So now Pippa and Julie know that something bad’s happened, but neither of them know everything. The message to Pippa simply said an accident has occurred at Cackle’s and that the school is now shut down and in quarantine, and for Pippa to reply with the number of student refugees her school can accommodate. 

Julie is told even less than that, only that something happened at school involving Mildred, and she won’t be able to see her for a while, but that they’ll let her know if anything changes. She’s obviously not satisfied with this and demands to know what’s going on, the people on the Great Wizard’s side just refuses to give anymore details and shut her out. She’s kind of desperate for information, so she calls her only magical friend, Pippa (I’ve kind of borrowed @always-la-belle-epoque​’s headcanon that Pippa reached out and they became friends after spelling bee, I hope you don’t mind!) to ask for help. Pippa has been trying to find out what exactly happened at Cackle’s, and most importantly if Hecate is okay. When Julie makes contact she adds Mildred to her queries, but she’s given the same brush-off by the Great Wizard. 

She’s really worried now because she can’t reach Hecate, through mirror or maglet or a discovery spell(it can’t sense Hecate’s magic since she no longer has any), so she tries Ada, with the same results. At this point it’s full on internal panic, she’s just barely holding herself together on the outside. She tries Dimity, and almost collapses in relief when the mirror call goes through, and just asks, are Hecate and Mildred okay?. Dimity takes one look at her face/expression and knows better than to try to bullshit her regardless of the great wizard’s orders. Dimity tells her what actually went down, and her face just drains of colour as her vision fades a little at the edges as she just sits in a shocked daze. Julie doesn’t fully understand all that stuff about the founding stone, but she knows that Mildred is in a lot of trouble and needs help. She gives Pippa a little pep talk and gets her to snap out of it. 

The two of them decide that they need to go to Cackle’s to see for themselves. Dimity tries to tell them that’s not a good idea, that Pippa will just get herself frozen too, but the two of them ignore her warnings and go off to Cackle’s together. When they get there, they find Mildred first. Julie is horrified, but somehow miraculously gets her out the same way she did on the show (super-powered magic hugs :D). Now that Mildred is unfrozen, she tells Pippa how to reignite the founding stone. They go up to the tower with the founding stone together, and see the hallows + hecate + mould + Agatha & Gullet all frozen around the stone (I’m imagining that after the magic weakened enough to let them out, A&G wanted to gloat and maybe use the magic sucking powers of the founding stone for some nefarious purpose, but spent too long sniping at each other not realizing how weak their powers were since they spent so long in the photograph, and ended up frozen). 

Pippa is devastated seeing Hecate trapped in the ice, how fragile she looks, her expression a mixture of fear and pain. She resolves to do what needs to be done to reignite the founding stone. Just as Pippa’s about to head over to the stone, she sees Mildred step up to it, ready to give away her own powers. That’s the moment her heart just melts/breaks and she knows that she would protect Mildred with her life (She already thought Mildred was a great kid before this, but it’s like... the turning point between -yeah Millie’s a sweet kid, I’ll help her out a bit at school- and -MUST NEVER LET ANY HARM COME TO HER AND DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO KEEP HER SAFE-). 

Anyways, she stops Mildred and tells her that she can’t let Mildred sacrifice herself, that she has to be the one to do this. Mildred protests, but Pippa puts her foot down and starts the spell. Julie and Pippa’s eyes meet while she’s performing the spell, and Julie’s overwhelmed with gratitude and just silently mouths a thank you to Pippa and all three of them are tearing up. 

The spell works and everyone unfreezes, and as soon as Hecate realizes what’s going on she just lets out this agonized sound of protest and screams for Pippa to stop, “Pippa, you mustn’t!” and tries to redirect the spell to take her powers instead (like what Mould did for Mildred). Hecate is an emotional wreck when she realizes that It’s too late because Pippa’s already completed the spell. But there’s no time to process anything now because Gullet, Agatha and Mould are all unfrozen too. 

So now they’re in a witch stand off where it’s pretty much Mildred, Hecate, Esme, Sybil and Ethel vs Mould, Agatha and Gullet (since Pippa and Julie are magicless). Agatha wants the founding stone, and obviously Hecate can’t let her take it. She realizes that she probably wont’ be able to hold off 3 adult witches by herself, so she reluctantly asks Esme if she’s able to help (she doesn’t want to put Esme in harm’s way, but this situation doesn’t give them much choice), and tells Mildred, Ethel and Sybil + nonmagical people to stand back. Well, she phrases it like, “Ethel, Sybil, Mildred...Keep Ms. Pentangle and Ms. Hubble safe.” 

And now there’s spells flying everywhere and it’s pretty evenly matched even 3 v 2 (since Hecate and Esme are both two of the most talented witches of their respective generations, + Esme absorbed the power of the founding stone which I imagine would be much stronger than what she had before, and Agatha only has Esme’s 16 or 17 year old magic? I actually have no idea how old Esme is supposed to be). 

Meanwhile, Mildred keeps on trying to talk to Ms. Mould to get her to change sides. Agatha sees that it’s making Mould doubt her choices, and tries to shut Mildred up by sending a powerful spell at her that would have seriously hurt her. Hecate and Esme were occupied with Gullet and didn’t expect Agatha to target Mildred so suddenly, and they can’t react in time to protect Millie. Pippa and Julie both try to step in front of her, but surprisingly, it’s Mould who takes the blow for Mildred. Now Mould’s gravely wounded, Gullet and Agatha have one less witch on their side, and Ada shows up with Enid, Maud and Felicity. The two of them decide its in their best interests to gtfo and they transfer out to escape before anyone can stop them. 

Mildred is crying by Ms. Mould, who’s struggling to breathe. Mildred begs Esme, Ada or HB to heal her. The three of them together manage to save her. The great wizard is informed again of these new events. He takes Mould away to be put on trial at a later date and says that her actions to save Mildred will be taken into consideration. The rest of the Cackle’s students don’t have to spread out to different schools after all, and they all come back. 

Clarice + Bea have a tearful reunion with Sybil. Ethel isn’t expelled because officially, the incident with the founding stone didn’t happen, but there are still consequences, e.g. they put some kind of spell tracker on her and she’s only allowed to cast authorized spells in class for the rest of the year). After they sort all of that out, there’s an awkward moment where the great wizard turns to Pippa and just says, “your sacrifice will forever be honoured and remembered by those in this room, but unfortunately, someone with no magic cannot run a magical school. You can no longer be headmistress of Pentangle’s.” And Pippa just nods and says sadly, “I know.” Hecate, Mildred and Felicity are all devastated and protest even though the all know the reality of the situation.

Later that night, Hecate and Pippa are in Hecate’s room, and Hecate is still trying to understand WHY Pippa did this, and Pippa just says “I had to save you. I don’t regret my choice.” And Hecate just cannot comprehend it, feels so terribly guilty, expects Pippa to hate her. Her voice is full of shame, barely louder than a whisper as she forces out the words. “I cost you everything. Your school, your life, your magic...12 generations wasted. You must despise me. I am so, so very sorry.” And Pippa just smiles wistfully and says, “You didn’t cost me anything Hecate. I gave it willingly, and I would do it again. Of course I don’t despise you. I could never despise you...because I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I think I always will.” Hecate just breaks down, and just hugs Pippa to her so tightly when she says “I love you too.”

The next week is pretty rough, Pippa’s struggling with not having magic anymore,and also not having her school anymore, and both of those things are equally painful. Sometimes she can’t help it and just has to cry and feel sorry for herself for an hour, usually in Hecate’s arms. That’s one good thing that came out of all this, she and Hecate are finally together, a bright light in a dark time. She has a lot of talks with Esme about how to cope, since Esme’s the only other person who can understand what she’s going through. Mildred comes around a lot too to help her out with non-magical stuff, and because Mildred is Mildred, she refuses to give up and is working together with Felicity to find a way to get Pippa’s powers back. 

Millie and Felicity come up with the idea of getting all the girls at Cackle’s donating a little of their own power(like, 1%) to make up what Pippa had to give away. And the two of them give an inspiring speech to the student body, and everyone volunteers, including the teachers. They perform the mass spell and Pippa gets her magic back. HB and Pippa tearfully thank everyone, and especially Mildred + Felicity. Pippa gets her school back, and she and HB live happily ever after forever THE END. THIS IS JUST SHAMELESS WISH FULFILLMENT AND SELF-GRATIFICATION ON MY PART. (I’m not sorry :DDD) 

[untoldtruths]

Lifting me up , tearing me down , I take responsibility for everything I have done.

I was so infatuated , every move, every word I was so consumed in wanting to be everything and anything you wanted. I wanted to be where you were . Time & Time again I fell short. I was never good enough then ( and it is clear I am not good enough now ). 

The world really has its fucked ways of working . I spent years trying to convince you I was worthy of your time you dated Cain& Clau....only for you to then spend years doing the same watching on the side lines of my life ... which is what you would portray as a tragedy and train wreck ( also known as MY LIFE ) . It is no surprise if today you feel you wasted years of your life , I would say those thoughts are justified but wouldn't be fully accurate. At least not for me . 

Fear : It consumed us , jealously it ruined us, Anger it killed us. 

Where I went wrong is literally the moment in your life when you try what you believe is last HOPE the last straw ,you stoop to levels to get a reaction because you fear he has lost all interest .... yes I am talking about seeing if something you would do if your actions would get a reaction (THE worst idea don’t ever do this people ) if something you’d do would make him mad or jealous ( i had this notion that if it does anger him he still cares ) I wanted anything any reaction , of jealousy of anger.... but when I walked into your friends house (you were still seeing one of the girls or maybe just ending things with them ) and you stood there to only find out it’s all good he gave me permission to “ sleep with you “ .... PERMISSION.... WHAATTTT . I didn’t like being weak I didn’t like being controlled or to show anyone I cared about anything I didn’t want anyone to have power over me .... do even know thé feeling the rage NO You dont because NONE of my friends are or ever will be able to fuck you because I would kill them never would i never have i allowed anyone to know how amazing you are in bed I don’t speak on these things for a reason ... but to be told YOU gave someone .. PERMISSION . do you know what type of anger that ignites in a person when you hear “ I was given permission to bang you “ that isnt bro code fellas .....thats a straight loan from the bank like a rent to buy ...It didn’t matter that I knew and loved every inch of you it didnt matter that i could pick you out blindfolded from a line of people just by the smell of your clothes ... it didn’t matter NONE of it matters because I was SO hurt SO angry (your probably saying but isn’t this what you wanted .a reaction to see if he cared well he clearly didn’t care )because the way I seen it is you could care fucking less about me standing there giving permission like you owned me . Fuck At least take me to dinner and pretend to be interested before RENTING me out to your friends. Which in hindsite was a very bad fucking idea because it fucked everything Up when I went through with it

Anger , sadness PAIN, all the things I felt a long with very broken this combo of things is atomic , disastrous ... the thing is you could trash me and you did and in the same breath tell the world you loved me while simultaneously giving permission to your friend to rail me. But somehow I was horrible for following through with it NOT  HIM HE ASKED PERMISSION .... so when years later it happened again I guess my letter to ask you if I could fuck you friend to piss you off to see if you cared HOPING YOU DID AND WOULD SAY FUCK NO OFF LIMITS CLEARLY got lost in that snail mail .... , it wouldn’t be totally false to say I did it to fucking piss you off. I mean we aren’t here to speak on those humans . But if you asked your friend they would say my work could use a little work because of how uninterested I was in truly banging them . I was bitch about anything or anyone trying to control me I just knew the reason I was there was because you said I should be you gave the man your blessing ..  Sounds ironic doesn’t it ... I didnt want you telling me what I should do who i should do but here I was , But as the days months went on it didnt phase you me sleeping with him was like a transaction so it seemed , I would cry for you like a bitch baby call you up you would continue to allow me to reach out like a sick dog when i was in need youd come get me .. youd care for me ... you’d try to comment on what I wore in pictures the negative attention I craved but NEVER once explained yourself. YOU fucking OWNED me every single inch of me. Don’t worry people this isn’t all his fault I hold myself accountable I mean I didnt have to fuck his friend... or his other friend but I was the only one who told him he was my best fucking friend of course I was going to tell him like fuck life was wild ) 

Realizing what I did it fucking hurt man , so bad I cry to this day even thinking about how much you controlled my every breath without EVEN fully realizing it ....the firs 4 years you'd text me I would drive to you... I would drop my life It didn’t matter I was there.

 I can still  smell you. I can still feel the warmth of your body on mine. The way you would run your hand through my hair as you kissed me the way you stared at me. The way you’d trace my tattoo knowing I only got it because you had it too . 

The fucking stubborness of us both .

and here I am with the AUDACITY to write about it all .

Well folks judge me all you want . People have been doing it all my life even when I was good so why not express yourself.

I am leaving out so many details like the ones that make me look like the shittiest human but in my version of How ROS met Me it started with me who was obssed with him to the point of trying to convince myself i wasn’t .... so in that moment of my life loving him wasn’t allowed .. you know when you try to do everything or truly ANYONE really to try and get over someone and prove to yourself that the love of your life isn’t a douche bag who just told his friend he could bang your psycho ass ......that is what got me.. I wanted so bad to be KARMA to be like OH YOU WANT TO GIVE SOMEONE PERMISSION TO SLEEP WITH ME PFFT this wont be the best sex your friends had because only YOU GET THAT duh, but I wasnt letting this go quietly .. I was now angry and on a mission to prove to myself you meant nothing , I tried so hard. 

Funny thing is every year without a shadow of a doubt we seen each other with until something happened I ended up at the hospital alone dealing with something.... i had to make a decision that I knew would kill you and so I did it alone I got scared to face the reality of my horrible choices (did you know that they keep medical records of when these things happen ... yup so becareful who comes with you to your check ups because I never wanted anyone to know what I did ) but after that I needed to get away and I got a job with an jazz airline to go move to AB I was running away to leave the town and I had a goodbye party and everything and right before it happened I latched on to a broken man from my work a man whos life was so far from being connected with anyone here I literally abandoned everyone moved literally just to a city over and never seen anyone, it was a growing experience. ( It didn’t do much because here the fuck I am writting about you 13 years later ) 

I don’t know at what point you’ll be at in your life when you ever get the chance to read this but I’m sorry for what I did. I know it’ll add to your hate towards me but I think we’re past that . Not sure you could dislike me More than you already do .

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

[anislandintime]

I think to quit and exit is the only way left, the only way out.

Life has let me down again and each time when I have told myself it cant be worse than this, life has taken it up as a challenge and proven me wrong. Things have been just getting worse and worse. It feels like life is just laughing at me. I feel ridiculed by life.

When GF came to meet SB, it felt so nice. She had taken a bus during the pandemic travelling for 15-16 hrs just to meet him. They were meeting for the first time. Her plan was to stay for a week but ended up staying for three weeks. They had a good time. When she arrived SB told her that he decided to give their relationship a chance only after I suggested him to give it a chance and let his guards down. Both thanked me greatly. Well, while I am happy for them, I dont understand why things had to just go wrong for me in the relationship I pursued in a similar fashion?

UB came to stay with us for a night when K’s roommate’s parents were in town. That night over a long conversation he mentioned of how J’s toxic friendship had affected him deeply and its impact was seen in eroded ability to trust and connect with people. All of this, he said, changed only when K came into his life.

Life, please tell me why do you give solution and liberation to all except me? I am unable to tell how the narcissistic abuse of ND has crippled me from within. I neither get a healing touch nor do I find a shoulder to cry on. Worse, I dont even find words to explain what is happening to me. I continue to suffer in silence with absolutely no hope of recovering ever.

UB also got the job, that I too had applied for. I was instrumental in him finally getting into this stream. Now he has gotten the job I am desperately in need of. He too was aiming for it. But given his cultural capital he could have opted for another job and he had the luxury to stretch his hand and leg in those directions, which I clearly dont have. But he wants a life of comfort. Hence he is seeking this one. It is isnt crime to seek comfort. But what is a life of comfort and ease for him is my hope for a sustainable life for I do not have the cultural capital to reach out to anything else. I think I am going to be bankrupt soon, with no job in hand and no projects coming my way.

SG texted saying she and ID are getting married next month. When I saw the text, I literally jumped off my seat and gave a punch in the air. I can never forget how SG had wept uncontrollably by the sea one evening recollecting how her extended family had beaten her, her parents and her sisters when they found out that her eldest sister was dating a Christian. The memories of it haunted her every time she thought of telling her parents about ID. But now, she says her parents and sister are fully supportive of her and she doesnt care what the extended family thinks. She sounded very happy and I am happy for her.

Such news make me unbelievably happy. But at night when I finally switch off all the lights and try going to sleep... There is only one question which comes down like a lightening and strikes me hard. WHY DOESNT ANYTHING GOOD HAPPEN TO ME EVER? WHY LOVE IS SO ELUSIVE? WHY PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS OR SUCCESS IN RELATIONSHIP PERPETUALLY ABSENT IN MY LIFE?

Mother is unwell. Father is unwell. The times when Mother was hospitalized drained me out completely. I dont know how will I manage all this, with no support- physically and even emotionally- and also with no income. To add to these, my own mental health is collapsing. The severe damage caused by ND’s narcissistic abuse has made me perpetually nervous, anxious and also feel perpetually threatened. By what, from whom- no clarity. But I constantly feel I am under threat and I am about to be attacked. I feel severely insecure and unsafe. The abuse has left me in a state where I am unable to trust anyone and I feel disconnect from everything and everyone. All of these has made it difficult for me to even speak of what I am going through, to friends or even to strangers. I cant trust anyone anymore. I feel uneasy throughout. Is this what they call as PTSD? I dont know. What did I do to deserve all these? All I did was love this girl and see only goodness in her. And it turns out that she only abused me, manipulated me, exploited me and even without me realizing it, fractured my soul and destroyed me. She even had the audacity to repeatedly text me asking how my mother is doing. Wonder where she got to know about it from. I wouldnt be surprised if AN was the source of news for her. That idiot of a friend who took pleasure in turning my pain, my suffering into a spectacle- something to derive entertainment from! How foolish of me to have trusted him for so long as a friend! Was it him or was it AG? I dont know. I dont know who to trust anymore. Why did ND repeatedly text me? Even call me! She also sent a mail. I did not bother replying to the texts or even the mail. Did not answer the calls. I did not want to have any form of communication with her, especially after that accusatory mail she sent when I shared with her a paper, which I thought would be useful to her. She made it sound like I was being intrusive and pushy and also unwelcome. Later she doesnt mind repeatedly texting me, calling me. Had I called or even texted her, she would have brought down the sky screaming and shouting and unleashing violence on me. But when she does it, it is to be perceived as an act of kindness and concern. Even if it is done just so that she can convince herself that she is kind and concerned and not because she actually has any concern. What a performative life she leads; where she lies to herself and believes in her own lies! She is more interested in coming across as  a good human than becoming a good human. When I did not reply to her texts or mails and when I did not answer her calls, she made AS- her friend- call me, text me. When his father was unwell earlier in the year, I used to check up on his father’s health condition often and also extend my moral support to him. And he chooses to become a ‘flying monkey’ to a narcissist? Or may be he doesnt know of the ways in which his friend caused hurt and wound to me and the core of my being. I abruptly ended the conversation when he called me from an unknown number. I did not return the call as I promised. He texted me later on. I replied to it after a day or two. He doesnt bother replying to that. But then ND calls me. I dont know why after some days I felt I was holding grudge like ND does and in order to be not like ND, I decided to reply to her mail and I did. She doesnt bother to reply to that. Probably she was satisfied knowing that the person who she wronged and damaged, doesnt mind replying to her; which helps her showcase the world and make herself believe that she isnt a bad person and more importantly she has control over the people she has abused also. So no reply. She persistently called and texted to make herself believe that she is not ignored, not neglected. Once she gets to know that the other person, though wronged and hurt by her, still writes back to her, she is more than happy; her ego is boosted and she goes back to her silence, her way of showing her power and her control. She constantly says how abusive her father is. I dont know him but from whatever I know of him through her, I must say that if at all he endorses his way of being, then he must be super proud of her daughter for she has outsmarted him in becoming abusive, toxic, exploitative and harmful. If at all ND rejects her father’s ways of being, then she must also be disgusted by herself and must not forgive herself ever because she has been no less to her father in being abusive, toxic and exploitative. I replied to her mail not because I wanted to strike a conversation but because I did not want to become like her. So, I also wrote her a mail after few days when TV news spoke of floods in her ancestral town.  Immediately she texted me on WhatsApp, in an extremely friendly tone. I replied to that in a cold tone because I did not know how she would react. When I replied in a friendly manner to her query about my mother’s health, she went silent. When I had earlier replied elaborately to her mail spelling out how SN had plagiarized her thoughts, my long mail expressing solidarity and offering understanding was responded to with silence and later an accusatory mail! Even when in July she called wanting to clear things and sort things, when I spelled out what hurt me, she not just swung sword of words at me but also made it sound like I was the one causing hurt and told me that her therapist had advised her to stay away from me, as if I was the one hurting her! Any way, after telling me that she wants to disconnect from me, she texted me within an hour asking if she can check on me once in a while. When I responded to that in a friendly manner, saying we should probably together meet a therapist as suggested by her, she replied in an extremely hurtful way and arrogant way saying her ONLY problem in life was me! After that she blocked me on WhatsApp. Every time I have tried to be friendly with her she only attacks and accuses. Her constant flips and backflips are mindfucking and toxic. I dont know how to deal with her, nor do I know how to heal from the aftereffects of the trauma she caused... and also, I dont know how to deal with the love and compassion I still have for her somewhere deep inside of me. I hate myself for this.

Life, please be kind to me and end your relation with me this very night. I do not wish to wake up tomorrow morning. Please leave me. I wont hold you accountable at the door of death. But I beg you, please let me die and leave me. I am done. I am tired. All I sought in my entire life was some genuine love and some real deep connections. Even that was not made available to me, even if in a small percentage. I certainly deserved a better life. But it is okay, I wont complain. Now, I want to take the exit door and leave. I am tired. This pain, this loneliness, this suffering... all are just unbearable now. Death, please do not be like life. Please embrace me. Hold me in your arms and take me with you. Tonight.