#tell me why i suck so much at endings
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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ur supposed to get one period a month yea? not me. i'm periodmaxing. we're on the fourth month of the year and guess how many periods i've had. brother, we are solidly on no. 7
#fuck off lou#my post#i know this is bad and yes im trying to figure out why this is happening#if i wasnt anemic before i sure am now#losing more blood than a stabbing victim#how was there only four days between my last one ending#and this one starting#a damn mystery to me ill tell you that much#i want to rip my uterus out and replace it w a cd player#make better use of the space ya know#but i cant even get my tubes tied until im 23#like hell are they gonna let me throw the whole ute out#but guys. what if he sucks. like doc i kbow youre just doing your [patriarchal] job#fr. get real. he sucks. hes a bastard. he hates me and wants me dead#lemme kill him first it will be SO so funny#in other news. i may be in hell
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the disparity in kudos between a skk fic and a fic for literally any other bsd characters/ship :/
#like okay i get it skk is the most popular bsd ship by a longshot#but it does kinda suck that my skk fics will always end up being more popular than literally anything else i write for bsd#when i have way better fics tbh#okay i'm unleashing this from my drafts lol#like i get it kudos/hits/bookmarks counts aren't telling of how good a fic is#but out of my last five fics. my skk one has ONE HUNDRED kudos more than the next most kudos#and idk it also sucks that i know my skk is better than 90% of the fandom but. even my skk fics get significantly less kudos/etc#than big writers in the fandom who AREN'T EVEN GOOD#or are like. mid at best#i know in theory that the bsd fandom doesn't care about characterization but like. not only do they encourage bad characterization#it feels like sometimes they're actively against good characterization#even in j.jk and a.tla where there are major issues with bad characterization#more people seem to at least appreciate the good characterization. (even if they aren't good at it themselves.)#but i swear to god no one in the bsd fandom cares about anything besides whether dazai and chuuya are kissing. it begins and ends there.#it never ceases to amaze me (derogatory) how a fandom where the source media draws So Much inspiration from classic literature#can somehow have NEGATIVE media literacy skills#why don't you guys take a break from your edgy dazai x softboy chuuya fics and you fems.kk with dazai in skimpy clothes and your#beast chuuya sobbing and killing himself over dazai's death#and go read some of the books by the actual authors. and then write me an essay about the themes that has nothing to do with shipping.#and THEN you can come back to the fandom.#listen i love skk but oh my god sometimes the fandom makes me hate them.#anyway one of these days i'm going to get anon hate for complaining about the bsd fandom so much but that's fine#at least i know there are characters in the show besides dazai and chuuya. and when i do write skk AT LEAST I DO IT RIGHT.#hello grace here
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or alternatively dweeb meets other dweeb more news at 11
LIGHT. LIGHT IN HIS EYES. LOOK AT EM BIG OLE EYES. LOOK AT HIM TOUCH HIS JERSEY.
GLORY BE TO THE MIKKSY SIGNED JERSEY RAAAAAAAAA
CanesWear Signing | 7.1.24
#niko mikkola#florida panthers#the mortifying ordeal of being known#you can tell how bad i was shaking from how much the jersey moves in my hands oh it was so serious for me its not even funny#“youre my favourite player thats why” “thank you” girl i would eat concrete for you without any hesitation#“new jersey?” me sweating profusely because i have to admit i had this jersey for a while now in front of his face oh god oh FUCK#“where do you want it? here or here?” “anywhere choose where anywhere” “ill do this way”#behold decision paralysis plus the constitution of a doormat with an awful aim to please vs the assuredness of a bull romping through field#“i mean its your jersey at the end of the day”#he says without thinking because he lacks a brain to mouth filter and immediately wants to slam his head into the nearest hardest object#but its okay it got a little smile out of mikksy so maybe my motor mouth can be used for good#my voice is so hoarse because i stood under for 7 hours and also loudly cheered like never before all throughout those 7 hours yesterday#also a lot of people had tickets for both mikksy and lundy or just lundy so thats why the line was moving slowly#so at one point they went OKAY WHO HAS TICKETS FOR JUST NIKO and i raised my hand like oo oo mee ☝️ and got rushed to the front#also a lot of the stuff he was signing was nonspecific posters and hats or other players jerseys (that already had other signatures on em)#which is why the attendant was like oh sweet jersey! and mikksy was like new jersey? because there werent many people at all#comparatively his signing was priced the lowest at 39 out of all cats players. the highest currently is benny at 60#does it suck his line was shorter. there was surprise when someone toddles in with a mikksy jersey. and that his signing was priced low?#yes ofc but also i didnt have to stand in the heat for long got ushered in faster and my wallet didnt cry so lets not kid ourselves here#there are silver lining to everything but anyways first hockey jersey and first signature on it acquire call that a man on a mission 😎👉👉#long tags i love mikksy i lot you understand right <3#also im never wearing this jersey again so i might as well buy a frame and ANOTHER mikksy jersey#to bad it also has my 30th ani cats patch on it too </3
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hello... (and bye ig 👋)
#👋😭 hi...#i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone#i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭#i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh...#uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂#i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but#i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause#i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say...#i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu#it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media /#without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao#i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy#pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on#i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a#depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think#i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just#sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ????#i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become#even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it#i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it#like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi#i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda#makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd#not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what#they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling#anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀#i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say#this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel#like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭#who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡
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Ok so these designs are cute as hell, the Internet is just mean
I have too many thoughts about a game I still need to watch
#goodbye volcano high#i dont have the money to buy it but god i need to watch a playthrough when i have time it's so interesting to me#like; the theme of 'yeah we're going die but that doesn't mean we can enjoy what time we have left' sounds amazing to me love that#its so funny i was actually watching a review of it that was basically 'this game sucks and here's why'#and then it just started listing off shit like- 'the characters designs are pastel they're nonbinary you die no matter what'#and then my neurons just went off and went '👁️👁️ oh! sounds amazing i want to see more'#fuck yeah pastel nonbinary dinosaurs lets go#well i think its just fang thats nonbinary and then two other trans characters#i saw a cutscene! and it was about the experiences of being an apart of a family as sec-gen immigrant and trans-#and i thought that was cool as hell dont recall ever seeing that in any of thr arts ive seen before (but there's lots of art out there!)#heard it got some glitches tho (havent looked in depth of what those glitches are) hopefully it got patched out#also im so fucking pissed i saw the gator game before i saw this 😮💨 (context; apparently made by people who made a fangame where they#the mc of this game a datable side character and they only have a happy ending if they detransition? which fucking yikes😬)#i saw people say 'oh but they did it empathetically' like how the fuck is taking a canon nb character and making them only happy through#detransitioning empathetic that sounds super fucking shitty and gross#i think a character that detransitions can be done and would be interesting to see- but this just reeks of people being transphobic for real#oh also purple dino has a slug or worm or something apparently! seems cute! just a lil thing#apparently its a rhythm game; listened to some of the songs and it sounded good! sadly i suck at rhythm games#but apparently failing doesn't affect the story? kinda wish it would but honestly better for me lol-#pink one and fang end up dating i believe- from what i saw pink is like- soft spoken artist? dunno if accurate but she's cute#all the characters are cute just look at them!!! awesome#also they have to just continue school like normal before they die and honestly thats so real#also saw people dislike the fact you dont see the characters actual die or the meteor#which is ??? dunno i just think some things are better left implied than shown-#anyways man i keep trying to find neat stuff about the game and all i see is people bitchin about it or praising the shit fan on instead 😔#man if i had two nickles for a time i grew to become obsessed with a media only for loads of people to hate id have two nickles#first nickle is kat elliot she's such a cool character Internet wasn't ready for her#also yes i saw obsessed i can just tell this is something ill go bonkers for#i mean god look how much text is in my tags for this already! and i still need to see the game in it's fullness!#im sure there's other cool shit
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Anyway prohibitedwish dark medieval mystery drama au. The story is interjected every so often by prismo and scarab arguing over what should happen next
#random thoughts#adventure time#over time scarab learns to accept when things dont go his way (especially when prismo has a very good idea)#and prismo gets help working through his depression through the beauty of creating with another person (euphamism for gay sex lol)#hey prismo why do you want to collab with scarab hmm? to create life with another man? pretty gay it does seem#anyway in the beginning they argue because scarab wants stuff to go his way#and prismo keeps bringing up bad ideas and wanting to put jake-esque characters in everything#prismo is. not very creative#anyway their universe ends up following a sheriff and a self-declared wizard in the late-12th century (so around robin hood times)#as the sheriff hunts down a group of bandits#(prismo ends up really liking the bandits and thinking the sheriff sucks balls for hunting them down and scarab's like you just dont get it)#the self-declared wizard is very much a conman hawking snake oil (i do NOT sound like that is. very commonly interjected by prismo)#there is no magic. prismo keeps trying to put magic in there. scarab keeps shutting him down#scarab ends up trying to kill off the wizard for a dramatic moment and prismo gets upset about it#'it's a tragedy! it's supposed to be sad!' 'but WHAT IS THE POINT??? it's just tragedy for the sake of tragedy!'#'if your plan this whole time was to make me upset then congrats!!! you made everyone's friend prismo upset. im gonna do something else now'#prismo disappears and scarab feels. bad. it doesn't feel good.#eventually prismo comes back in to apologize for getting too into the story and leaving in a huff and shit and surprise!!!#the wizard is still alive! scarab LISTENED and he CONCEDED and CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT BABEY!!!#now the ending of the story they were trying to tell is more bittersweet instead of a full-on 'everyone's dead or sad' thing#btw the sheriff and the wizard end up kissing and prismo and scarab are both VERY awkward about it#scarab still likes dark edgy stuff but he recognizes the universe he created with prismo is a SHARED project and he's been kind of a pill
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i love how using duol*ngo takes forever to get me anywhere meaningful. 4 facking units of just saying. the man the woman. i am an apple. i drink juice. over and over and over again!!! and then i start another online course [FOR FREE!!] and i learn how to say please and thank you and hello and goodbye within the first 3 lessons. man
#i am NOT paying for the app either btw. and i dont want to!!! it sucks#TEACH ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT!!!!!#it doesn't explain grammar rules either which is so. SO stupid#dont tell me im wrong without explaining WHY im wrong. of course im gonna keep making the same mistake!!! BOOOOO#ofc learninf other important stuff in the course too. with so much more context. its so much more helpful#AND theres still quizzes at the end which is very fun and im Winning
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every few years im reminded that the war of the worlds stage show exists which is never good because i always find something new to hate about it
#missives#the war of the worlds#jeff wayne#watched a few clips of the latest tour and brooooo why does it suck so bad#it doesnt have to be this way. make me the single divine arbiter of what goes into the show and ill fix it i promise#lile obviously it is successful somehow but that doesnt make it good#rip it from jeff's clammy little hands and make it into a proper musical please please please. they were on the right track in 2016#with the dominion theatre production#its been downhill ever since#like. its just a bunch of decrepit old men way past their prime who desperately need to retire (looking at jeff and herbie flowers and JH)#and a stupid fucken hologram of an actor nobody likes. put a real actor there PLEASE#its soooo painful watching these genuinely talented performers being forced to rush their lines#anyway! my latest gripe#every new iteration of brave new world ive seen since 2018 keeps making the song worse#2018 is on thin fucking ice bevause i like the cast so much but thats where it all began im pretty sure#turning the end of the song into this weird combo love duet and whole cast ensemble song (life begins again) out of fucken nowhere#its the artilleryman's song holy shit get that out of here!#and i get that the latest tour is the 'post covid' life begins again tour or w/e but holy FUCK#can someone please explain to me why they now even have the other cast members on the screen saying lines at the same time#as the artilleryman#e.g. im not trying to tell you what to be#and its going to have to start with me and you etc etc etc#its annoying and even worse it doesnt make sense!!! why are they there!!! why are they saying the lines!! those lines have a very#specific meaning within the context of the song#idk it just seems like the song keeps being stripped of all its original meaning and i really like it so it's driving me bonkers#anywya. ANYWAY
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As a fellow Dovewing lover, it's frustrating how the fandom watered her down into a whiny brat who never cared about Ivypool. I mean, seriously? Not only did Dovewing care about her sister (reacting in horror when Lionblaze, her own mentor and Jayfeather are willing to potentially sacrifice Ivypool's safety by employing her as her spy instead of trying to get her out of the Dark Forest's clutches, hiding a thorn in her nest to cover for her scarring from her training).
Heck, even the scene where she tries to feed Ivypool her catch during a hunting patrol was demonized because 'she was trying to make Ivypool break the code like SHE does, as if it doesn't matter' and because she got upset when Ivypool started arguing with her! But you guys said she didn't care, right? Plus, people act like being forced into a prophecy is something you should be grateful for, as if it didn't irreparably change her close relationship with her sister? As if Lionblaze and Jayfeather didn't still keep her out of the loop (and for all the fussing they made about keeping it a secret, Lionblaze confesses his power to Cinderheart and Jayfeather doesn't even care).
Meanwhile Nightheart is angry he isn't orange and hates his mom for being exiled and the whole world has to stop for him. 🤪 And Bramblestar is simply so tortured by having an evil father, the only choice is to train with him and his evil half-brother and hide this from his wife! (But remember, it's bad when that witch Squirrelflight hides the parentage of the three from him, even when Blackstar and Leopardstar were still around after being complicit in the torture and killing of halfclan cats.) Why are these male characters sympathized with, even when they actively harm people (Nightheart forcing himself into Sunbeam's life by lying to everyone about being her mate without even asking her if she would be fine with that beforehand), Bramblestar (we all know what he does), but when Dovewing or any other female character is upset, people freak out and call them whiny brats or abusive for (checks notes) asking her partner if he loves her anymore after they argued multiple times in a book. Really makes you think! (Sorry this is so long, you just have based opinions!)
dovewing being characterized as this flighty airheaded vain popular girl stereotype in fanon is like. one of those biggest "we didnt actually read the books" things in the fandom. like theres so much fanart where shes grinning and giggling over the prophecy and shes besties with the trio and shes got preferential treatment, and then in the actual books shes basically the autistic kid no one actually likes. people really, REALLY overexaggerate that one scene where she snaps at ivypaw and brags. (and i dont wanna shit on amvs but i am forever side eying how the animation community handled dove back in the day. more than one person animated her getting murdered. normal.)
i do think its gotten better recently at least. but wow does it feel like at least one person on the writing team has a bone to pick
(also awww thank you <3 no need to be sorry i love getting stuff in my inbox)
#it does also feel so insidious to me just how long the bramblesquirrel conflict was painted as ''equally kind of wrong''#the ppl who put words in squilfs mouth sometimes which. btw ill get to that when i read the book#and tbf part of it is that sometimes abuse isnt as easy to spot if youre primed to the mainstream version of it#like. bramble isnt a born evil wifebeater everyone can see coming from a mile away. hes a complex guy with his own insecurities#and his own goals and people he openly cares about. and even in some fanon stuff i see ppl kinda erase that part of him#(which i wont pretend im above- ive been trying to walk that line myself)#and that doesnt match how abusers are usually percieved by the public. or in this very series.#like. the main excuse for clear sky is literally ''hes sad his sister died and tried to save her! no one changes THAT much''#anyone can be an abuser. you could be an abuser. i could be an abuser. that doesnt mean that we ARE but we are capable of it#and the thing that catches ppl off guard is that abusers are really good at hiding who they are and theyre often charming#i often hear this account of abuse that goes something like ''my parent abused me but no one believed me bc theyre nice in public''#you dont know whats going on behind closed doors. and ik this is about funny kitties at the end of the day but its quite telling#so... yeah bramble has his nice moments. hes got his GREAT moments even. i love his relationship with his mom for example#but those moments dont mean that hes not capable of being worse. of being a monster to his loved ones#its why squilf keeps getting sucked back in. hes not a one dimensional asshole. hes capable of being kind to her.#and thats what makes his disgusting moments hit so much harder#wow ok i got off topic in the tags but yknow. idk i got feelings abt this matter as someone who's experienced toxic relationships
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I agreed to meet up with someone for dinner and I just found out the whole polycule is coming.
#jeeeesuuuuuusssssssss. like I don’t even want to meet her let alone the throuple.#I didn’t know it was possible to come on too strongly platonically until now. chill please.#I’ve met her 1.5 times and get multiple daily messages and if I don’t answer I still get ‘HAI!!!’. I want to step in front of a bus this is#stressing me out so badly. I already said before I couldn’t meet. I said I couldn’t go to dinner. then I went to a local meet up and saw#her at the end of the table. I waved at sat at the other end but tried to not really engage. I feigned difficulty hearing over the din. she#started texting me. At the end she came up and was like ‘it’s too noisy here’ and I agreed and left then BEFORE I GET HOME I get a text#TELLING ME when she can go to dinner. I did not suggest we meet somewhere quieter.#she brought someone from the polycule with her to the event and they were just. so dejected and sullen and wouldn’t really acknowledge me#when she tried to introduce us at the start. why why why why. I don’t want to do this.#all because she asked about my sexuality and I got a little too open being glad to speak with another queer lady for like half an hour on#insta. if I could go back in time I would not have responded. this is just insane to me. I regret that so much this is going to suck ass.#my social anxiety is causing such a spiral right now.#it’ll be fine. it’ll be fine. maybe I’ll have fun. I just hate getting spammed messages online and I hate meeting up other strangers.
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would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol
i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki
#snap chats#haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant#anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much#i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do#fine lets get Real Talk about it#well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there#and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway#i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls#like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it#that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji//#like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence#smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on#its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP#i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode#especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much#i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught#aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up#and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful#his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry.#his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore#like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene#plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too....#idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL#i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀#maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO#thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever
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My The Honjin Murders review
I was enjoying it…until…I wasn’t 💀
#so interesting and then becomes so stupid and unearned!#useful i guess in terms of understanding closed room tricks#more than anything it just reminded me…of everything i fucking hate about detective novels and why I don’t read them…#maybe im just not the audience for these novels but like the emotional truth was so fucjking stupid and unearned! in my opinion!#all tricks..no heart…without a doubt…one to SKIP#in terms of potential dna that went into umi…the names of Kenzo and Ginzo stood out but maybe theres only a similarity to a non jp reader#in addition to the idea of an unusual number of fingers being a major identifying feature#but idk idk….much less than what I initially thought there would be. maybe even none#its very…tell instead of show with the emotions and it disappointed me so much#like idk its not that i dont like mystery in general or even detective stories. I love columbo! but like. it just. sigh.#not the dazzling emotional classic of famliy drama i was imagining#and i found the trick so stupid smhhhhh#removing it from my post about the podcast episode lol bc like this sucked bro i dont want anyone else to go in thinking itll slay#man the ending/solution reallly ruined my night smh. let me go eat and recuperate this letdown#it literally felt like when erika pulls all that shit out her ass at the end of ep5 to frame natsuhi. but like. thats the real ending…#umineko spoilers#for my tags
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silly little vent in the tags
#i really miss him and it's not fair how much i gave to him every day when i had to beg for attention back#i don't get why this always happens#it's every single person every single time#and they always tell me i was the best person they ever dated and i made them realize what being loved feels like or whatever#but i always end up more damaged#it feels like people think the way i love is like an apology from the universe that they can just take all of without reciprocating#instead of another traumatized person with feelings also trying to get what they give#it's so exhausting and frustrating i just want to love someone that loves me back#and they all say they do and tell me how great i am but they never listen when i communicate what i need and i have to beg#and they expect praise for the bare minimum#i asked him what he does for me and he said 'i was there to support you'#do you want a medal?? you SHOULD support your partners and your friends#and they all acknowledge that when the roles are reversed#what really fucks me up about it is when i see how they treated their exes#why not me?? what did i do wrong??#and they say i didn't do anything and that i was the best but no one acts like it#im so fucking tired of this it hurts so much#like i know for a fact my other ex legitimately saw me as his reward for persevering through rejection#when can people start seeing me as an equal to them that also wants to be loved and valued and needed?? it's not fair#people keep taking advantage of me and how caring i am towards them and it sucks#im losing hope once someone DOES treat me right i won't even trust it#personal posts 😌✨️✨️#tw vent
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i keep telling myself i don't care that my family isn't talking to me anymore bc i don't like my family
but it's christmas and my mom hasn't even texted me
and now i'm crying on a bus about it
#there's only been a few times i couldn't go home for christmas since i moved away#and every year my mom called me#and she hasn't yet#and maybe it's just because this is the first year they're doing stuff christmas day instead of christmas eve#but#idk i keep telling myself this is good#i've been wanting to go no contact with my family for years#and the only reason i didn't was bc of my cousin#who's been my best friend my entire life#and then she ended our friendship#and no one in my family has talked to me since#and i SHOULD be glad#bc this is what i wanted!!!#it just#it fucking sucks that i'm once again the problem#because i'm always the problem. everything is always my fault#im just so sick of this#why does my family hate me so much#what did i do wrong#i've tried harder than any of them#and im still not ever good enough#god this fucking sucks#my partner isn't even home#so im gonna cry alone tonight#merry christmas to me i guess#fuck#ignore this#personal rambles#my family sucks#not stargate
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sometimes I talk to my dad abt controversial things and/or literally give my opinion and he responds and I'm just like 'yeah no you're why people dont like me'
#me sayjng that I dont agree with his opinion but sure you can think his way but heres why i dont agree and him going 'yes no ofcourse you're#right because you're always right and never open for different opinions and not nuanced and and and' in the most sarcastic way and I'm just#standing there like '??? I ended my piece saying y ur opinion could also be right wtf' and he is like 'no im sure because i know these#kinda things' and me and my mom ask for evidence and he gets mad bc no he knows this obviously he just knows this#and then 5 minutes later he goes (non sarcastically) 'yea kyle can do anything' and then when i respond w 'ye sure' he gets mad#bc he sees it as me not being able to take a compliment#SIR I CAN IN FACT NOT DO ANYTHING U LIT TOLD ME I'M BLATENTLY WRONG AND MY OPINION IS WRONG 5 MINUTES AGO#stop telling me I'm perfect AT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME PLEASE#anyway slay i dont like him as a man and yet he makes me feel like im not allowed to#and shames me when i make it clear I dont like being around him as much#anyway hes a sucky sucky man a lot of the time and atp I'm like 90% sure hes a narcissist but idk enough abt it#anyway fat slay#I'm literally never coming out to him as trans bte bc when one of his closest friends came out as a women and said she was going to#transition he saw it as unfair to HIM because its hard for HIM to lose a friend and he didn't know how to deal with that so she was a bad#friend for doing that. also I'm his favourite little girl to this day like sir....im a 24 yr old whos not called themselves a woman in like#6 yrs please catch on#god so much to talk abt w/him thats to much I'm not gonna trauma dump#anyway he sucks#he just can't seem to grab onto me thinking he sucks
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