#ted wheeler can go fuck himself

[etakeh]

Portlandeers!

There have been programs like this in other cities for years, and there's no reason it wouldn't work in PDX - if properly funded and given the opportunity.

It doesn't seem to have a location restriction on this petition, so hey, why not?

[shushmal]

steddie request! pre steddie during a pool day eddie feels cute aggression and bites the back of steve's shoulder and surprises him

It should be ILLEGAL, Eddie thinks, for Steve Harrington to allowed out into polite company, much less in a community pool where innocent eyes could gaze upon him. Objectively, sure, Eddie knows that those little pink swim shorts aren't any more scandalous that what anyone else is wearing today. Ted Wheeler is knocked out on a lounge chair with only a speedo. But it's Steve. And Eddie's doing his best to rehab his image in Hawkins, so drooling after the local Harrington prince wasn't going to help.

Never mind that it was Steve who drug Eddie out into Satan's crack that is Indiana summer in August. He'd made a good case about it, too—something, something, being seen doing good in front of all the moms at the community pool, something, something, Holly's birthday party, yada yada. Honestly, Eddie didn't hear most of it, lost in Steve's stupid, beautiful brown eyes.

What was Eddie going to say? No?? Be for real.

That was how Eddie found himself sat on a deck chair (thankfully one with an umbrella), in his jeans next to a cooler, handing little girls juice boxes and snacks when demanded of him.

Holly Wheeler must befriends with the entire elementary school, Jesus Christ.

Steve himself, in his aforementioned pink swim trunks, was playing as pool jungle gym and had kids crawling all over him. It helped a lot to keep Eddie from drooling after him, but didn't do a lot for Eddie's heart.

Worse than Steve being hot, was Steve being cute. Eddie couldn't take it. He was going to die.

Steve had one of the smaller kids perched on his hip, held safely up out of the splash zone, while the rest of the hoard took turns climbing up onto his shoulders and using him like a diving board, his free hand guiding them safely into the water as they jumped. It looked like hell to Eddie, but Steve was grinning ear to ear, rating each jump with a booming cheer that had all the kids screaming around him with each splash.

"Um, excuse me," snaps a little girl in front of Eddie. He glances down and feels like he's looking at a mini Erica Sinclair, her hands on her hips and scowling. A chilling sight.

"Whatcha need, shrimp?" Eddie sighs, flipping the cooler lid up to take another order. "We're out of red barrels, and our stock of blue is going fast."

She eyes him skeptically for a moment before her little shoulders slump. "Fine, I guess I'll take the blue."

"Here you go," he says, pulling the foil off for her since little wrinkled baby fingers have yet to manage it all day. "Now be gone with ye."

Treating him with another incredibly bitchy look for a third grader, she bounds off just as a shadow appears over Eddie. A wet arm hooks over Eddie's shoulders, just as Steve crashes into the deck chair beside him, too small for two nearly full grown men, the plastic creaking ominously. Steve is practically in Eddie's lap.

"Harrington, what the fuck," Eddie squawks, cold pool water soaking into his clothes because Steve is dripping wet.

"What the language, Munson," Steve says, still grinning, looking at Eddie with those brown eyes. His face is round and a little pink, and he's so close that Eddie can see the faint trail of summer freckles across his nose. He's so beautiful, and he looks so happy and excited to have Eddie's attention. "There's little ears—OW WHAT THE FUCK!"

Eddie opens his jaw and yanks his head back, almost as shocked with himself as Steve. He can taste pool water in his mouth. There's a line of pink teeth-marks on Steve tanned shoulder.

"Uh," Eddie says.

"Did..." Steve starts. He leans back a little, still half in Eddie's lap, to gape down at him. "Did you just... bite me?"

"Y-Yeah," Eddie breathes. "Whoops."

"Whoops?" Steve repeats, brows high on his forehead. "Why the hell did you bite me?"

"You're very bitable." Eddie's going to drown himself in the pool at this rate. "You're too cute. I had to bite you."

He watches as Steve's eyes narrow, watches as Steve begins to suss him out. Eddie's still too shocked with himself to do anything, can't even panic, because he's that much of an idiot and his brain has gone completely offline. Because Eddie bit Steve Harrington and then called him cute, Jesus Humphrey Christ.

Then Steve leans down, slowly, until his face is right in Eddie's, and an insane thought goes through Eddie's brain. I bit Steve Harrington, told him he was cute, and now he's going to kiss me.

Except Steve bypasses Eddie's face and lands his lips against Eddie's neck, where he then tries to take his own pound of flesh.

Eddie screeches.

Distantly, he recognizes what a weird blessing it is that they're at the community pool, surrounded half the elementary school, all of them screeching and screaming and splashing. Everyone is completely oblivious to whatever homosexual nightmare is happening to Eddie right now.

"You're pretty cute yourself, Ed," Steve says into the small space next to his ear. And then he's up and standing between one breath and the next. "We really gotta teach you some manners though," he says, grinning, before he turns and dives into the pool.

"Y-Yeah," Eddie says weakly in his absence. He can feel Steve's spit on his neck, rapidly drying the summer heat, the bite mark aching with promise.

[tartarusknight]

Eddie Joins the Family

Eddie didn’t think that he would get a big family when he pulled Dustin, Mike, and Lucas into Hellfire. He didn’t think it would happen but it did. One day, after school he’s stopped short at the sound of his name. He stopped and glanced back to see a redheaded girl. She looked familiar but he couldn’t place her. She had a skateboard under her arm and a determined look on her face. “You’re Eddie Munson right?”

Eddie frowned, “I don’t sell to kids.”

Her nose wrinkled, “ew. I’m Max, Lucas’s girl- we’re friends.” She stumbles a little and his eyebrow raised. 

She rolled her shoulders back, “can you give me a ride home? I missed the bus and we’re neighbors. I can give you embarrassing stories of any of the boys,” she waves her hand but he can see her nerves. 

“Sure,” he shrugged and she brightened. However, she was definitely trying to hide her emotions. “Our chariot awaits, milady.” He opened the door for her a swept his hand towards his shitty van. However, it didn’t stop there. Suddenly he was driving her more and more. Even though she didn’t even join his club! Okay, but she was quickly becoming one of his favorite freshman anyways. 

But Max wasn’t the only one. One day he ran into Nancy Wheeler and she actually stopped him. “Eddie, right?” Her eyes were hard and he shifted nervously. He gave her a small nod and she cleared her throat. “Mike’s really looking up to you lately.”

Eddie grimaced, “he could’ve picked someone better.”

She nods in agreement which stings only a little. He knew it was true. “You’re going to meet me twice a week. Give me your schedule.” She ordered and he stood there dumbfounded. “It wasn’t an option, come on.” She waved her hand. 

So he took a moment and wrote it all down before handing it over. She frowned, maybe at his shitty hand writing or the way it was kind of jumbled. “We have study hall the same hour. I’ll get a pass and I’ll meet you.”

“Uh, why?”

Her glare was terrifying, “because if he’s going to look up to you than you can give him a good example. I’m not going to let you keep failing all your classes and show him what it’s okay.” She snapped and Eddie wasn’t sure if he’s ever been this shocked before. “Understand?”

“Aye, aye, captain.” He gave her a weak salute before she turned and walked off. 

Then suddenly he and Nancy were working together often and in the few classes they shared she offered to be paired with him. It was freaky and his friends were just as weirded out as he was. But he had to admit that as they met after school a few times, that maybe, just maybe they were becoming friends. It wasn’t confirmed until one day she was painting his nails as he rambled about an idea he had for a campaign. Except she wasn’t just listening, she was giving him tips and helping him develop it even better. 

And with Nancy came Karen Wheeler. The woman would give him baked goods and thank him for all he was doing with Mike. It was weird but she made amazing cookies so he dealt with it and fucking Ted who didn’t deserve Karen. However, it got even worse when he made a comment that he mostly cooked for himself and his uncle since Wayne worked the worst hours. That had him in the kitchen with Sue Sinclair, Claudia Henderson, and you guessed it, Karen Wheeler. 

The three moms taught him all their tips and tricks, telling him he could impress any girl with his new skills. He didn’t say he wasn’t interested in any girls. Instead, he grinned and took all the information he could. It became a weekly thing and he got all the good gossip that wasn’t high school bullshit. And he gave them all the high school bullshit they wanted. 

And suddenly he became a babysitter for his younger friends. The freshman were annoyed at the development and Eddie got paid to hang out with them so he was fine with it. It didn’t happen often, since apparently Eddie was the back up babysitter. He didn’t care... that much, he was just curious. But being the back up babysitter gave him Erica Sinclair who quickly became his arch enemy and favorite. They didn’t do much but when he was in charge of her they would argue back and forth before retiring to painting mini figures with music playing in the background. 

However, that wasn’t even the end of it. Because suddenly Dustin was introducing him to Robin Buckley. Apparently Dustin had been trying to get her and their friend together but since they didn’t seem to get their act together, Dustin believed him and Robin would work together. Eddie and Robin took one look at each other and saw the fruitiness of the other. Which gave him a friend to talk about all the shit he dealt with that no one else did. No one else but Robin. 

Robin was a beauty and became one of his closest friends. They often spent time at his trailer and she started eating lunch with him and Hellfire. Of course Dustin was being a little bitch about it but Eddie and Robin claimed their were completely platonic. Which had the young members echoing, “with a capital P.” 

That one comment brought in the last of the party that remained in Hawkins, Steve Harrington. Steve was someone he knew from school but this Steve wasn’t what he expected. The first interaction after all the bragging the rest of the party did for him didn’t match up with his old vision. Eddie was leaving Hellfire and noticed Robin standing next to the man, waiting for the kids. “Eddie!” Robin waved like he wasn’t walking towards her already. 

He grinned, “hey Buckley, fancy meeting you here.” Then he glanced over at Steve and god dammit, he was still as pretty as he had been back in high school. 

“Harrington,” he drawled and watched Steve’s face grow pink. Which was curious...

Steve smiled and it wasn’t a smile Eddie had seen on him before, not really. This looked completely real and a little dopey. “Hey, Munson, I heard I’m missing out on the Munson friendship train.” He tilted his head a little and his hair flopped. The kids were already getting into Steve’s car but neither Steve nor Robin looked to be in a rush to leave. 

Eddie laughed a little awkwardly, “Yeah man. You don’t know what you’re missing.” He waved at himself and watched Steve’s eyes drop to follow his hands up and down his body. Which was... it was... Eddie didn’t really understand what he was feeling. 

He cleared his throat, “welp, enjoy driving these gremlins home.” He waved at the back seat. However, when he looked at Steve the dude look upset at the idea. Which was weird because he’s been told over and over how much Steve loved the kids. He waved and jogged off to avoid anymore of that. 

But that wasn’t the last he saw Steve. No, in fact, suddenly Steve always picked them up. Nancy no longer took time out of her schedule nor did any of the parents. And when Eddie went to his weekly dinner session with the moms they all laughed and said Steve was a good babysitter, always so caring about their time and kids. 

And well... Eddie didn’t hate it. Not one bit as Steve got there about 30 minutes early each time and watched the end of the session. Then he’d help Eddie clean up and they’d talk until they parted ways. Some times Robin was with him and most of those nights they’d meet him at the trailer after dropping the kids off with a movie for the three of them. Except soon, Steve would stop with or without Robin. 

Eddie loved and hated his time with Steve. Because the more time they saw each other, the more Eddie fell for the straight boy. He was done falling for straight boys so it pissed him off. But it didn’t stop him from putting his legs in Steve’s lap during a movie. Or letting Steve play with his hair. Or letting Steve kiss-

Okay the kissing was knew. And Eddie wasn’t sure of anything anymore. Not when during Grease Steve got up from the couch to sing and dance along. Eddie had laughed and when he was pulled to his feet, he stumbled into Steve’s chest. It was just the two of them but even if they had been in a crowded room, Eddie was sure the only thing he would’ve seen would’ve been Steve. 

Steve had cupped his face and smiled, “You’re the one that I want, o o oo honey. The one I need,” Steve had sung so soft and Eddie blinked at him, shocked. “Eddie,” Steve whispered as he leaned in closer. “Can I kiss you?” Eddie had made some noise that he’ll never claim and nodded frantically. Steve kissed like it was a sport that he never got less than gold in. Eddie pressed in and they moved in sync. 

And when they dropped next to each other in Eddie’s bed. Eddie didn’t think Steve might be as straight as he previously thought. “You know,” Steve started after they both regained their breath. “All I heard for weeks was Eddie this, Eddie that. Suddenly even the moms were in love with you. And it was so god damn annoying. Cause I knew they were all right. I remembered you from school, how free and open you were. When Dustin and the others mentioned you befriending them I knew they’d be okay. But I was jealous.”

Eddie looked over at him, “You were jealous? Of me?”

Steve snorted and Eddie didn’t think it was fair that even that was endearing. “Of you, of them. I don’t know... but I saw my shot and I took it.” He shrugged and Eddie raised an eyebrow. “Dude, you were like my gay awakening! I serious!” Steve had a big smile on his face and Eddie grinned back. 

“Really? Little ol’ Eddie Munson was King Steve’s awakening?”

Steve smacked him and rolled so he leaned over Eddie, “yeah. You were.”

They grinned at each other, “so you were checking me out when you first picked up the kids.”

“Hell yeah I was,” Steve winked and it was so dorky. He was flushed pink but still trying to stay confident. “To be honest, I lied when we started talking.” Eddie raised an eyebrow, insincerity rising up in him. But then Steve flushed more, “I didn’t want to join the Munson friendship train. I wanted to see what you’d be like as my boyfriend.” Steve wiggled his eyebrows and Eddie couldn’t stop the laugh.

“Yeah?” He flipped them so he was on top of Steve. Steve looked pleased as he did so. “Get ready, big boy. I’ll show you what you’re missing.” He promised and kissed him just because he could. 

Steve broke it though, “so, you, Eddie Munson agree to go on a date with me?”

Eddie rolled his eyes, “yes. I Eddie Munson, will date you, Steve Harrington. You can pick me up tomorrow at 7.”

And Eddie would swear that Steve’s eyes fucking twinkled. “It’s a date.”

So, yeah bringing Dustin, Lucas, and Mike into Hellfire was one of the best decisions he’s ever made. Maybe one day he’ll thank them for giving him the best year he’s ever had. 

[queenie-ofthe-void]

A Desperate Fool - Part 4

Part 3

Eddie gets settled on his usual kitchen barstool and watches Nancy make a pot of coffee, which is great considering he showed up at the ass crack of dawn, too anxious to wait. Well, and a day early, but sue him, he missed her. 

Nancy and Jonathan’s house is just as cozy as he remembers, while also serving as a solid reminder he’s not the only successful Wheeler. Original hardwood floors complimented with arched entryways and wainscoting. Cream and sage fill the living space, dotted with drops of gold accents. Low, soft lighting illuminates every room with warmth. It’s clean and modern, yet comforting in a way The Harrington’s eggshell minimalism estate and his own dark industrial penthouse have always lacked. 

It’s quiet and domestic and everything he’s missed about having a home. The glow in his chest doesn’t outweigh the thread of tension thrumming through him, but it does ease slightly when she hands him coffee in his favorite Garfield mug.

They catch up for hours as she fills him in on everything he’s missed. Mom and Ted finally retired down to Clearwater after Holly moved out for college. Mike and Will’s adoption went through, after working on it for years– and jesus christ, he’s an uncle now. Will’s still publishing his YA fantasy graphic novels. Mike’s a happy house-husband now stay at home dad. 

El finally quit her shitty government research job and decided she’d rather work full-time at Argyle’s pizza shop learning the ins and outs of the business. She’s better suited for it, he thinks, she’s always loved being around people and working with her hands.

She tells him about her and Jon settling into their new posts at The Chicago Times. Nancy’s managed to make friends with people outside of the Politics department. Jon’s moved from photographing for tabloids to local events like concerts and festivals, currently out of town for the weekend at a festival in Rockford. She says he’s happier now, with a job more his speed, and Eddie has to agree. Although they apparently just missed each other last fall when he’d started the job only a month after Corroded Coffin’s concert at Wrigley.

As Nancy goes on, talking about the rest of the kids while they lounge around the house, moving from the kitchen, to the living room, to the snow covered balcony so he can smoke, he tries to listen– he does. But he’s close to snapping, forced to wait so long for answers. He needs to know everything that’s happened, and why she’s the one who has to tell him. Her and Steve dated in high-school almost ten years ago, and granted they stayed close, but she’s not Robin or Max. She’s one of the few people Eddie’s closest to, except for Dustin, who could easily give him more answers than Nancy probably could.

He’s spiralling. He’s biting his nails, picking his lips raw. His leg is bouncing erratically and the only thing that helps is pacing whatever room they’re in. Nancy’s still talking about Argyle’s newest pizza recipe when he finally breaks.

“Nancy, for fuck’s sake please just tell me what’s going on with Steve.” He reaches down for his smokes but his hand’s shaking, the pack gets caught on his pocket and falls to the ground. When he bends to pick them up, the lighter follows suit and bounces under the couch Nancy’s perched on. 

A manic laugh bubbles from the pit of his stomach as he drops to his knees. Eddie briefly wonders if he even wants answers or if he’s just punishing himself. He bends forward, letting his forehead rest against the hardwood floor, cool and grounding. 

Grabbing the smokes and lighter, he looks up to find Nancy’s eyebrows and nose all scrunched up, lips pursed. She’s looking at him exactly how he knew she would, full of pity and disappointment.

There’s something underneath the expression though that Eddie can’t quite pick out– anxiety, maybe. He wouldn’t have such a hard time reading her if he hadn’t been gone for almost a year. Another reminder added to the long list of his life-altering mistakes.

Eddie stands on unsteady legs, moving to the balcony for another smoke, with Nancy hot on his heels when there’s a knock on the front door. She shoots him an apologetic look, but he waves her off. He’s waited this long for answers, what’s another minute in misery.

When Eddie’s finished his smoke, he does his best to sneak back inside without being noticed. An unfamiliar voice calls him out.

“Oh, Nancy I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had company!”

Eddie pokes his head around the corner to find Nancy standing next to a petite woman with dirty brown hair and thick platinum highlights, who’s dressed in an uncoordinated riot of colors and textures. Knee-high navy blue socks, tucked into tan polka dot flats, end just below the hem of her corduroy skirt. It’s a deep brown, matching the polka dots on her shoes, and the material’s so stiff it moves around her like a hoop skirt. She’s layered a puffy-sleeved periwinkle button up underneath a teal sweater vest.

It’s an odd assortment of colors, patterns, and textures that’s not quite artistic enough to be considered eclectic or interesting. Just bizarre and– if he’s being bitchy about it– a little boring. Eddie’s worn enough dramatic getups in his life, but beige isn’t doing this girl any favors.

The petite woman is blushing, eyebrow cocked in question, and Eddie realizes she’s been holding out her hand to him in greeting while he’s standing her silently judging her, like an asshole.

“Hi, you must be Nancy’s brother Eddie,” she says. Her voice is a light soprano, tonally off in an overly polite, customer service way. “I’m Becky.”

“Nice to meet you.” He finally manages to shake her hand, noticing they’re both wearing rings on each finger topped with chipped nail polish: his black and hers a sparkly baby blue. But while his rings are chunky and silver, hers are delicate gold bands stacked to varying thicknesses. “Umm how do you know Nance?”

“Oh, we met at work,” Becky says, smile widening. “Nancy’s told me all about you.”

“Hopefully just the good stuff.” Eddie tries for a joke, but her eyes tighten for the briefest moment.

“Yeah, she told me you were going to be back in town for a little while, I just thought you were coming tomorrow, otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered you.” She glances toward Nancy, her smile straining further.

“No it’s alright, Nance and I were just catching up.” Nancy’s shuffling her feet, eyes darting between Becky, the floor, then Eddie, and back again. Becky is staring at her too, and Eddie’s not sure he’s ever seen Nancy this anxious. She looks completely checked out of the conversation.

He’s always suspected she’s been a bit embarrassed by him. Throughout school, he was the loud obnoxious troublemaker, and Nancy the wholesome straight A student. Every new school year, Nancy spent the first few weeks convincing her teachers that no, she’s not like her brother at all, thank you. Eddie played it off when he could, and has most of his life. But to see it now, so plainly written on her face, hurts more than he expected.

“She said you’re in a rock band?” Becky asks, attempting to fill the silence left in the wake of Nancy’s awkwardness. “Very glamorous.”

It sounds slightly sarcastic, but Eddie’s not sure if he’s just feeling overly defensive. “Playing and songwriting are by far the best part. The rest is just missing out on what’s waiting at home.”

“Mmm, so that’s why you’re in town then? Missing Chicago?” She seems genuinely sympathetic, but he can’t help puffing up like an angry cat at the drip of pity hanging from her lips.

“More like the people,” Eddie snaps. He takes a deep breath to steady himself. God forbid he has a panic attack in front of the first person Nancy introduces him to when he comes home. He’d really be living up to the nightmare older brother stereotype Nancy’s dealt with her entire life.

“Well then,” Nancy interrupts, clapping her hands together loudly causing both Becky and Eddie to flinch. “Thanks for dropping off my laptop, Becky, I really appreciate it.”

“Umm, no problem, Nance.” Becky eyes her warily, but takes the cue. She turns to Eddie to say their goodbyes as Nancy sees her out.

He heads towards the kitchen to get dinner started for the two of them. It’s almost ten minutes by the time Nancy makes her way back and her entire demeanor’s changed. Her spine’s straight with shoulders back, head held high, eyes steeled with resolve. A classic Nancy Wheeler I’m going to tackle this problem head on attitude, except it’s directed at him. Which is seriously not great.

But instead of saying anything, she pulls out the same kitchen stool Eddie had been perched on earlier and plops herself down, all without breaking eye contact. He assumes she’s got something to say, he can spot a Nancy lecture coming a mile away.

Once again, anxiety’s filling out space in his chest as he finishes cooking. They sit in relative silence on the living room couch while they eat, and all he can do is wait. Eddie wants to hear what she has to say, he wants answers, but he’s dreading it all the same. She’s upset with him, which he can’t hold against her. He deserves all of his family’s rage. That doesn’t mean he’s necessarily looking forward to it.

“Ok, ask me,” she states, setting the empty bowl down on the coffee table, turning fully face him. Leaning against the the armrest, she pulls one knee up to her chest while sticking her other foot right in Eddie’s lap. He matches her position, grabbing her ankle and plopping his own foot down beside her, hoping the small amount of contact will keep him grounded.

“Ask you, what?”

“Don’t play dumb, Eddie,” she says, “the entire reason you’re in Chicago isn’t to catch up with Jonathan or Mike or me.” Nancy’s chest deflates with a sigh, and Eddie’s heart breaks at the fact that she’s right. He hates himself for it, one more way he’s disappointed her. “He’s completely offline, the kids don’t post about him even though half of them have you blocked anyways. I know you probably did as much digging as you could and even though you hired a fucking private investigator– jesus christ Eddie–”

“That was only to find out where he lived, I swear.”

She scoffs, “Like that makes it any better.”

“I know, I know,” he sighs, lifting one hand from her ankle to rub his eyes. “I’m sorry, keep going. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s ok,” she says, squeezing his leg. The small gesture loosens some of the building tension, and he relaxes his shoulders.

“The point is, you probably don’t know anything about what’s happened with over the thirteen months you’ve been gone. But, I just thought, if you’re going around looking for answers, it’s probably best for everyone if they come from me.”

She looks away from him then to stare out the window next to them, and Eddie can’t help but follow her gaze. The sun has long since set, the only light coming from the end table lamps on either side of them, and the street light across the way. Dark winter nights always left Eddie feeling a little hollow, a chill even the warmest blankets couldn’t chase away. A feeling only Steve could ease out of him. 

When he looks back at Nancy, she’s already looking back like she can read his mind. Except she’s chewing on her bottom lip, and when he meets her eyes, she can’t hold his gaze.

“Nance,” he says, confused at the sinking of his stomach, “why is it best if it comes from you? No offense, but you’re not necessarily as close to him as Max or Lucas, and they seemed pretty clammed up when they came around. Especially when they mentioned the fiance.” Eddie chokes around the word. Swallows around the dry bitterness coating his throat.

She squeezes his ankle again, except this time it’s too tight, her nails digging little moons into his skin. Like whatever she has to say will send him running, because everyone knows he’s a coward, will disappear exactly the same as before. It’s how he knows he’s still the same person as before– undeserving of the people he loves most– when her next words send a small shock through his system.

“Because I’m the one who set them up, Eddie. And I’m not sorry.”

~~~

Part 5

Tag List: @5ammi90

[oh-stars]

Icicles

Love is letting him put his cold hands under your shirt and only complaining a little bit

a @steddielovemonth prompt | 616 words | CW: N/A | Rating: G

--

“I’m freezing,” Eddie whines as they walk through the fairgrounds. 

Steve rolls his eyes. He knows this game. It happens every time they go out and do an outside activity for once, no matter if they’re in the thick of summer or dead winter. He spends ages trying to get Eddie to wear proper layers, keeps a blanket and a spare jacket in his car just in case, and yet still finds himself listening to Eddie whine and cry about the chill. “You said you’d be fine,” Steve reminds him, letting out a deep breath. 

Eddie huffs and grabs Steve’s arm. “I didn’t think it’d be this cold.” 

They’re in the back half of the Fall Festival, where most of the attendants have drifted over to the food and heaters or the rides rather than the mostly closed stalls of the harvest exhibits from earlier in the day. They had just gone to the car for a quick smoke (read: making out in Eddie’s van while the kids made themselves sick on the Gravitron) since Steve’s head can’t take some of the rides and Eddie’s the biggest scaredy cat (but only with fair rides, he argues every time, because apparently there’s a difference). (There is.)   

Steve glances around to check the empty fairground and tugs Eddie in close, rubbing his arm. “We could go sit by the heaters?” 

“And listen to Ted Wheeler’s take on the midterms?” Eddie scoffs. “I’d rather rot.” 

“There are other seats than near Ted Wheeler,” Steve points out. 

Eddie’s teeth chatter as he rolls his eyes. “You can never be too far away from Ted Wheeler.” 

“Why are we saying his name like he’s the boogeyman?” Steve laughs, leaning in close to kiss Eddie’s cheek. “Would hot apple cider warm you up?” 

“Only if I can add a little spice to it,” Eddie says, patting his jacket pocket. 

Steve grins, his own cheeks straining with the cold. “You’re on.” 

They’re not quick to make their way toward the food stalls, even with the chill in the air. Steve will be the first to admit it’s colder than he anticipated, despite checking the temperature forecast at least three times before they left. Even he’s cold, bundled up in his sweatshirt and jacket as he is. He keeps his hands in his pockets, letting Eddie hang from his arm even though they could probably get away with holding hands right now. 

“Fuck,” Eddie says, fully shivering. “How much longer are we here for, anyway?” 

“Till the kids run out of money or Mike loses the bet he made with Max about puking,” Steve says. “Whichever comes first.” 

They’re near the bustle of fairgoers when Eddie stops and pulls Steve behind an empty stall. “I can’t take it anymore,” he grumbles as he tugs at the hem of Steve’s sweatshirt and shoves his hands onto Steve’s bare stomach. 

Steve hisses, a shiver running through him as Eddie melts against him. “Are you serious right now?”

“Shut up, you love me,” Eddie mumbles from where he’s hidden away against Steve’s shoulder and behind the curtain of hair. 

“Really reconsidering that right now,” he huffs. “You do realize I’m cold too, right? And your icicle fingers aren’t helping.” 

“But you’re my personal furnace,” Eddie says, shifting to kiss the corner of Steve’s mouth. He’s got the biggest puppy eyes and pout on, a dagger to Steve’s chest. 

Steve wraps his arms around Eddie and pulls him deeper into the shadows, curling into him just as much. “You’re an asshole,” he mumbles, but it sounds a hell of a lot like I love you. 

Eddie just laughs, cold nose pressing against Steve’s skin. I love you, too. 

--

Thank you for beta reading @lady-lostmind!

Ao3 Link

[kennahjune]

Some Platonic Stancy + Mike for The Heart

Nancy Wheeler, who cuts her hair short for the first time in 1984 and keeps the short hair going for the next three years until Ted Wheeler makes some bitchy comment on women with shirt hair.

Nancy, not usually the one to people please, ignores the comment. She and Mike both get them often from Ted, shit about Mikes hair being long and hers being short. So she ignores them.

Until their mom joins in with the comments, however subtle they may be.

So, Nancy starts growing her hair out. Mike, however, goes about his life with his hair. He’s never home long enough to really care about the comments— always at the cabin or with the Party somewhere.

Enter the year 1988, and Nancy has successfully grown her hair well below her shoulders. It’s pretty. She gets compliments on her curls and beautiful brown color all the time.

But she hates it.

She fucking hates it.

Three years of having her hair shirt had gotten her used to having it off of her neck. And now that it’s so long, well…

Nancy Wheeler has never had a problem with sensory issues. That was more Mike’s thing— always having to cut the tags off his clothes and downright refusing to eat certain foods— but her hair on her neck makes her want to vomit.

And sure— she can simply put it up, keep it in a high bun and off her neck.

But just the knowledge of it being there makes her sweat. Makes her want to itch the skin off of her neck.

She feels bad for making fun of Mikes hate for tags.

Now, enter year 1989 pursued by Steve Harrington, fresh out of cosmetology school.

Steve had been doing his own hair since he was little and sat with his mom and grandpa at the vanity in their dressing room (because of course the Harrington’s have a dressing room). He’d sit and watch as his mom curled her hair�� or straightened, depending on her mood. He’d sit in his grandpa’s lap as he showed little Steve all the different products and tools, letting Steve chip in and help style his hair.

It was a passion handed down from Steve’s moms side, the love for hair. And he planned on finally doing something with it— even if it wasn’t exactly what his parents wanted. (Though they learned to live with it— he did start his own hair salon, after all.)

Now, where does Steve play into this scene?

Well— it starts on a Tuesday afternoon in late July.

Steve Harrington had been cleaning the house while listening to his dads old records on the dingy record player in the living room. The knocking was barely heard over the volume, even with how frantic it was. The only reason Steve— who had lost most of his hearing in his left ear— heard the knocking was because whoever it was nearly knocked a picture off the wall.

So he opened the door to Mike and Nancy Wheeler on his front porch.

Mike looked almost bored, but he gave Steve a smile and a ‘hello’ before dragging his sister in by the arm.

Nancy looked worse-for-wear; her eyes seemed sunken and the eye-bags were darker than he’d seen them in years. He hoped it wasn’t new nightmares.

“Come on in, I guess,” Steve grumbled while Mike made himself comfortable in the living room. He wasn’t actually mad, just playing into a running bit he’d had going on with the mini Wheeler for nearly two years now.

“Watch it, Harrington.” Mike pointed at him. “You’ll loose a paying customer.” But the kid was smiling wide.

Steve scoffed. “‘Paying customer’ my ass, Wheeler! You barge into my home, make me trim your hair, call me an asshole and leave!” Steve himself was grinning wide.

Mike waved him off but Steve heard the giggle he failed to hide.

Nancy stood awkwardly on the living room carpet in the button up she’d stolen from Robin, white tank top, and cut-off jean shorts. She’d been taking a bit of fashion tips from Eddie recently. She found she liked the denim a lot more than skirts in the summer.

Steve finally gave her his attention.

“Hey Nance! What’s up?”

Nancy felt herself relax with the easy smile Steve gave her. She cleared her throat.

“Um— well, Mike said you trim his hair for him every once in a while and I know you just finished school and everything so—“

“You want a haircut?” he cut off her ramble. He and her both have picked up the rambling habit from Robin. “It’s about time, Wheeler. The long hairs cute and all but… so… not you, oddly enough.” He stood with his hip cocked and a thoughtful hand on his chin supported by the arm wrapped around his middle.

Nancy sighed roughly through her mouth and dragged a hand down her face.

“Oh my god, you don’t even know! I can’t stand having it so long— it’s so itchy and scratchy and annoying and not to mention high maintenance! Like yeah it looks good but seriously what is the point other than pain?”

Steve snickered and Mike threw his shoe at her to get her to stop.

“Come on you two, the dressing rooms upstairs.”

In the dressing room, Mike was sat at the vanity first. Steve had gotten Nancy a glass of water and told her to sit on the couch at the back wall and relax.

She tried her best, sipping the water and enjoying the view of the woods in the backyard from the window next to her (even if those woods held darker memories than they should).

She examined the room closely while Steve scolded Mike for using Ted’s shampoo/conditioner (because of course the bastard uses a two-in-one) while Mike pleaded he was desperate after running out of his own stuff.

The floor was tiled for easy clean up, the only carpet being the one under the couch Nancy sat on. The couch was plush leather, the cool touch a welcomed change from the July heat. The walls were a baby pink so light it almost looks white, covered in well-placed posters and photos and even stickers that were stuck on.

The vanity and the couch weren’t the only furniture in the room; a coffee table in front of the couch, a small two-drawer dresser next to the vanity, and nice, tall dresser back by the door. There were plants on the windowsill, flowers in pots on the dressers.

The windowsill was one of those fancy ones that Nancy liked so much; the ones that were like seats with drawers/cabinets underneath. The seat was decorated in an abundance of pillows and blankets.

It was a cozy room, and Nancy found herself zoning out and finally being able to ignore the invading bun on the back of her head. She tuned out the boys’ bickering and just stared at the window. Not through it. Not in it. At it. Examining each speck of dust on the glass and staring her reflection in the eyes.

Until a hair fell loose from bun and tickled her neck. And she almost threw her water at Mike who had sat next to her in her haste to get it off.

“Hey, hey! Nance!” Steve grabbed the water and Mike placed his hands around her neck, effectively stilling her and calming her.

“Hey, yeah, over here.”

Nancy looked at Steve. She kind of wanted to throw up.

“How about we finally get ride of all that length, yeah?”

She’d never heard a better question in her life.

Nancy told Steve to do whatever the hell he thought needed to be done. Steve told her he’d go to just above the shoulders and she agreed.

Mike took a spot on the windowsill, reaching into the cabinet underneath and grabbing a very worn book. Nancy hadn’t realized how much Mike came over to Steve’s before.

“Mike you’re seriously reading that again?” Nancy heard Steve ask. Watching him in the mirror, she saw him never look away from her hair once as Mike replied with a bitchy,

“It’s a good book! I thought you liked The Outsiders!”

Nancy snorted. Of course it was The Outsiders. Nancy remembered watching it with Mike, Will, Dustin and Lucas in the basement of their house when it first came out in March of ‘83.

“I didn’t know you liked The Outsiders, Steve,” she remarked. Nancy saw a red blush ride to his cheek in the mirror.

“It’s a good movie,” he muttered defensively.

Mike snickered. “Yeah— he watched it for the plot. The plot meaning shirtless Darry and half-naked Soda—“

Nancy thought Steve was going to chop her ear off and with how fast he turned around to yell at Mike.

Nancy herself sat cackling in the chair, watching Steve get defensive over his junior year fictional crushes.

.

When all was said and done, Steve gave Nancy a new shirt from the closet in the dressing room (that she failed to notice earlier). It was a simple yellow dress shirt. Steve said it was one of his moms. She was sent to shower and told to use the shampoo and conditioner on the third shelf in the bathroom.

When she had finished and walked back downstairs to meet the boys, Mike had already changed from his simple t-shirt to a black tank top with a dark blue buttoned flannel. Everyone kept clothes at Steve’s except Nancy, it seemed.

She made her way to Steve and sat her old shirts on the couch. With her hands free she pulled Steve into a bone-crushing hug. Steve was quick to reciprocate, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist.

“Thanks so much,”Nancy whispered into his ear. “This helped me so so much, Steve.”

“Anytime, Nance. You know that.”

And she did.

When Nancy and Mike left the Harrington house with a wave to Steve and a promise of letting him know what everyone thought, Nancy had never felt lighter— both physically and mentally.

.

That night, Nancy slept like she hadn’t in years.

Her hair wasn’t to bad on her neck with the new length. It wasn’t making it itchy or scratching at her cheeks wrong.

She didn’t have to have her mom braid it before bed to keep it away, ultimately ending up with a headache the next day because she could never sleep with her hair up.

No. When Nancy Wheeler went to bed, she woke up feeling refreshed and energized. No rash on her neck from scratching at it in her sleep.

When Steve heard about this later that same day, he pulled her into a hug and promised he’d cut her hair as much as she needed him to.

Nancy felt much better than she had in years.

And if she got Mike that sparkly, purple D-20 he’d been eyeing in the shop? Well— consider it a thank you.

[eskawrites]

sports anon got me thinking about a ronance volleyball au so headcanon list let’s go

Nancy is a fiercely clever setter, she can take in the whole court and make a decision in a split second and her precision never falters

she has a rough first couple of years dealing with hitters who can’t keep up with her--and jealous hitters who just want every set to go to them (looking at you, Carol). but once she and Robin start working together she really shines

Robin is an opposite hitter (she’d be a great outside too but i lowkey hc her as a leftie so she’d do great as an opposite, plus the backwards set-spike combo is so fucking beautiful)

a setter who consistently sets to her opposite over her outside would also probably throw people off, at least in shitty midwestern public school leagues (yes this is from personal experience), so Nancy and Robin get a few easy points that way

Robin takes a while to find her confidence on the court. they place her front row because she’s taller than most other girls, but she’s clumsy and nervous during her first year or so. no one hits the net more often than her and yes Nancy yells at her about it at some point

she figures it out eventually though. gets her form down, learns to place herself better, gets better at spatial awareness. and once she starts actually trusting herself to do it right? damn is she powerful on the court

even after Robin and Nancy start getting along more, no one actually thinks they’re that close until Robin rolls her ankle during a hitting drill. she’s coming down from absolutely nailing a back row attack and lands directly on a loose ball. it’s actually really harrowing, watching her go from a perfectly controlled jump to a crumbled heap on the gym floor. but no one reacts more than Nancy, who rushes to her side, already snapping at the freshmen who let the ball roll loose, then turns so gentle as she tries to help Robin. she doesn’t leave her alone until they get Robin off the court and their coach forces Nancy to get back to work

it’s not a serious injury, but Robin does have to sit out for a few games. she does her best to play it down so she can keep playing, but Nancy is the one who calls her out on her bullshit and forces her to rest (this is incredibly hypocritical of her and everyone on the team points it out. Nancy tells them all (except for Robin) to shut up)

Max is libero btw. and she’s constantly covered in scuffs and bruises from diving to get the ball, but damn if she isn’t the best passer they’ve ever had

Nancy only paints her nails before a big game. the color doesn’t matter, but the feeling of the polish itself is just enough to make her more aware of her finger placement, so she makes no mistakes while setting (like she makes mistakes anyway

once they get closer, Robin starts painting her nails for her as a way to help her de-stress before a game

Karen Wheeler is volleyball mom. Ted hasn’t been to a game since Nancy was in middle school but Karen has never missed one. she coordinates meals for the team before away games and follows their summer league with plenty of sunscreen and a cooler full of gatorade

Mike is reluctantly dragged along to a lot of Nancy’s middle school games, and once he gets older he fully intends on never going to one again, but once Max joins the team Lucas makes everyone go to support her and him, Dustin, Will, and El are immediately so into it, so Mike finds himself dragged to all of Nancy’s high school games, too

Robin and Nancy both help run the elementary school volleyball camp in the spring. Holly always goes because her big sister is there, of course she does. but the year Robin and Nancy start dating, Holly chooses Robin as her pepper partner every single day. Nancy tries so hard to be jealous, but she can only barely manage to hide how fond she is

Max and Robin pepper whenever they need to have a serious conversation. it gives them both something to focus on that isn’t the heart-to-heart and makes it easier for both of them to open up

Nancy and Robin practice serving together and they’re super competitive about it. Robin has the best jump serve on the team and she can put so much power into it--she’s great at nailing those back corners. but Nancy has this gorgeous topspin to her serve and she can get the ball to drop almost as soon as it clears the net, so she’s great at putting the opponent setter out of commission. every other team in their district hates both of them

Nancy is so damn hard on herself and takes every loss and even some of their victories really personally. after hard games she’ll sit alone at the front of the bus, curled up against the window, going over every little detail of the game and all the things she could’ve done better

she tries to push Robin away when she tries to sit with her, but Robin just stays quietly by her side. eventually, Nancy will uncurl and lean against Robin a little bit, or they’ll talk softly about it

other times, after better games, Nancy will fall asleep with her head in Robin’s lap, and Robin will play with her hair and hold her in place on windy roads so Nancy can sleep peacefully

[upsidedownlurker]

The most beautiful, awful Byler crackfic you'll ever read (11,253 words)

Karen Wheeler’s son sits in front of the mirror, dressed in the one black suit he wears to every formal event. His long, curly hair reaches down to his shoulders now that he’s eighteen, all gangly limbs and sharp features. So young and already getting married to his sweetie-pie; Mike reminded Karen of herself. 

Thankfully, the sexual repression seemed to have skipped a generation. Karen’s son, getting married to a woman! A woman!��She never thought this day would come. 

Karen loomed over him, hand welded to his shoulder, brandishing her hair-straightener in her other hand like a pair of tongs. “Your hair’s all curly, Michael!” she lamented. “Here, let me straighten it out for you.”

“Seriously, Mom?” 

“What? ” she exclaimed, “It has to be straight for your wedding, Michael!”

“But it’s naturally curly.”

Click-clack went the straightener. Karen smiled, her eyes concerningly wide and her lips shining blood-red. “That can be fixed…” 

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!” 

“Ugh! Fine,” Karen said, placing the straightener down carefully and looking to her right. “Now, Ted–”

Ted didn’t look up from the 3-piece chicken combo he was gobbling down. 

“Ted!”

Ted smacked his fingers, happily enjoying his chicken. In response, Karen snatched his last remaining chicken leg and threw it to her right. It hit the mirror, exploding into bits of chicken-y shrapnel and leaving a trail of greasy slime over Mike’s reflection. Mike put his head in his hands. 

Karen continued. “Ted!” 

“What? My damn chicken, Karen–”

“Put your son’s tie on. Family tradition.”

“Fine.”

Ted meandered over to Mike. “Where’s your tie, son?” he grumbled, sticking his hands forward like some kind of greasy-fingered, chicken-chomping zombie.

Mike pulled his head from his hands, and upon witnessing the horrific sight, he immediately flinched away. “No…”

Meanwhile, Ted gazed longingly at his fallen chicken leg. “What is it now?”

“Just no!”

Mike pulled a tie from his pocket. It was hand-painted, covered in shields and hearts. He started to tie it himself, glaring up at Ted as he did so. “Dad, this tie is too precious for you to touch with your greasy chicken fingers.”

“They are not greasy chicken fingers, Michael.”

Karen sighed. “They are greasy chicken fingers, Ted.”

“Eh, whatever.” Ted grumbled, exasperated. After searching unsuccessfully for a place to wipe his greasy chicken fingers, he gave up and rubbed them all over his hair. 

“Better?”

“No!” Mike and Karen shrieked in tandem. Mike rolled his eyes and hastily finished tying his tie. He stroked a single finger over one of the hand-painted hearts and smiled softly. No wedding gift would ever top this. Meanwhile, Karen was reaching for her most precious hair-styling tool. 

“I’m proud of you, Michael,” Ted began, “and I’m still shocked my twink son is going to have a wife.”

Brandishing her beloved hair-straightener, Karen walked calmly towards Ted, unblinking. “Are you now, Theodore?”

“Woah, woah!” Ted started backing away, scared. “What’s this?”

“Theodore, your hair’s covered in chicken grease. It’s not straight anymore. I have to fix you.”

Ted sighed, and let his wife straighten him out again like usual. If only he had another 3-piece chicken combo to distract him. He turned to Mike.

“See what happens?” Ted grumbled. 

“What happens when what?” 

“When you deprive a man of his chicken.”

“What?”

Hair now completely straightened, Ted walked out of the room, mumbling something about crispy chicken skins and eleven secret herbs and spices. Karen put her hand on Mike’s shoulder. She smiled.

“I think it’s time for a photo, Mikey-Wikey.”

“OH FUCK!” Mike screamed as he bolted right out of the room.

Karen rolled her eyes. At least she had her hair straightener to keep her company. 

-

“Are you ready, El?” Will asked for the third time in the last twenty minutes. 

He had been pacing around the room for twelve minutes now. Meanwhile, Eleven was snuggled comfortably between Lucas and Max, the three of them sharing a blanket. El was already in her wedding gown, with her usual plaid shirt underneath. She saw no need to fuss over her appearance any more than necessary– hence, the snuggling. 

“Yeah,” El replied, very content with her current situation. Her brother, on the other hand, looked ready to pass out. “Are you ready, Will?”

“God, no. This could all go so horribly wrong.” He continued pacing. As he did so, the lights began to flicker and objects started floating around the room. Will groaned as the radio buzzed to life, playing a very familiar song by The Cure. “El, could you stop? This prank is getting old.”

Lucas, Max and El groaned. “Will,” lamented El, “I’ve been telling you this isn’t a prank for the past year.”

“Uh-huh,” said Will sceptically. “And I haven’t believed you for the past year. What is it, then, if it’s not a prank?”

“Will, I keep telling you, you have powers .”

“Which makes no sense.”

“Yes it obviously does!” 

“Yeah, sure,” Will said sarcastically, “Sure it does. And my ex-father has a big, gay crush on Ted Wh–”

Suddenly, Will gasped, reaching for the back of his ice-cold neck as all the objects in the room spun wildly out of control, then dropped to the floor. 

Just as they did, Ted Wheeler burst into the room, sweating and panting like a dog. He was followed closely by Mike, who slammed the door behind him, sliding all the way down and falling face-first onto the floor in a crumpled heap. Lucas and Max immediately covered El with the blanket, screeching, “Protect the bride! Protect the bride!”

Mike waved them away, still on the floor and too tired to care. Meanwhile, Ted was surveying the room. There were flowers, makeup, decorations and– food – lying all over the carpet, along with one Mike Wheeler. 

“Why’s all this stuff on the floor?” Ted questioned.

Will sighed, looking pointedly at El. “I have no idea, Mr. Wheeler.” The blanket started to float off of El’s head while he stared at her. “Probably a stupid prank.” As soon as Will looked away, the blanket plonked right back onto her head. 

“Oh my fucking God,” said Max into her hands. Lucas patted her shoulder while sending Will a withering look– but Ted wasn’t even paying attention. Instead, he was kneeling on the carpet, salivating over a KFC Go Bucket that had fallen over. 

“I’ll take this,” he said, hugging it to his chest like a baby and gleefully skipping out of the room. Meanwhile, Mike was still lying in the foetal position. He kept quietly repeating, “Chicken… straightener… tie… why?”

Will crouched next to him. “You okay?”

“No, Will, I’m not okay. I’m never gonna be okay!” Mike cried. “Why do they do this to me? Why do they want to see me suffer?” 

“I don’t know,” Will murmured soothingly, rubbing Mike’s back. 

“What did I do to deserve this batshit insanity, Will? What did I do?”

“I don’t know,” Will continued.

“Mother will never understand why I have to leave.” said Mike. 

“Mhm.”

“The answers I seek will never be found at home.” 

“Yeah.”

“I’ll leave in the morning with everything I own in a little black case–”

“Well, you’ve gotta marry El first.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Speaking of which–” Mike finally sat up to look in his soon-to-be wife’s direction. “You okay under there, El?”

El gave a cheerful thumbs up from beneath the blanket. “I am well.”

“Cool,” Mike said, looking directly at Will. 

-

The wedding officiant stepped up onto the stage, gazing into a very unique sea of faces. Teenagers, adults, an intense young woman with a sawed-off shotgun. She announced, “Welcome everybody, to the wedding of Michael Wheeler and Jane Eleanor Byers.” 

Scattered applause rang out from the crowd, as well as a single cheer from one curly-haired boy. Curiously, quite a few people were either smirking or making very interesting faces. Perhaps the marriage was controversial among the guests– understandable, given the two were so young. 

Really– they would soon be newlyweds, and they were both eighteen! From the officiant’s experience, the couples who got married early fell into two groups: 

Those who had truly found the love of their lives.

Those with very poor decision-making abilities. 

The officiant wondered which group Jane and Mike fell into. The latter was much more common than the former, although… there were always the lucky few. Perhaps she shouldn’t be so cynical. Nevertheless, she continued her introductory speech. “I must ask that everybody acts respectfully during the ceremony. This is a very special day for these young newlyweds.”

Snorting and muffled laughing erupted from the tables nearest to the front. The officiant was going to tell them off, until she saw who the main culprits were. It was Mike and Jane themselves. Jane leaned into Mike’s shoulder while she giggled, and Mike used his hands to muffle both of their laughter. After a moment, Jane was elbowed by a red-headed girl, and a boy with a bowl cut rolled his eyes. 

Finally, they shut up. 

The officiant continued her speech– the same introductory speech she’d given at practically every wedding she’d officiated over the past few years. Her lips moved on autopilot, on pure muscle memory. She wasn’t thinking about her words, because one question plagued her mind: 

What was so funny? All she said was that it was a special day. 

She wondered how long the giggling couple would last. Only time would tell. One thing the officiant knew for sure, was that she’d need a lot of alcohol to get through this night.

“Michael Wheeler, do you take Jane Eleanor Hopper to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

He froze. 

What was he supposed to say? 

Mike instinctively looked to his lifelong friend behind him. Will would certainly know what to do– and wow, he looked so dashing – his suit was fitted to reveal his muscles, golden rays of sunlight beamed across his face, and his gorgeous bowl-cut was lightly tousled by the breeze. His pretty lips opened, and Mike’s lovely view was unceremoniously shattered. 

“Mike! You’re the groom, remember? You’re the groom!” 

Mike looked to his expectant ‘sweetiepie’, then to Will again. Will mouthed, “I do,” gesturing wildly in El’s direction. 

Mike took a deep breath, and turned back around to El, putting on his sunglasses. He cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said, accompanied by two thumbs-up. 

The officiant looked mortified. Still, she valiantly continued on.

“Do you, Jane Eleanor Hopper, take Michael Wheeler to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Jane made eye contact with Max and immediately snorted, hiding a giggle behind her palm. “Yes,” she said eventually. 

After a lengthy silence and an awkward cough from Dustin, scattered applause burst from the crowd. Except for Ted Wheeler, who was making heart-eyes at the large box of popcorn chicken in his lap. 

“Great!” said the officiant enthusiastically, like a Kindergarten teacher who had just been informed that her student had finally learned to use the potty. “You may now kiss the bride.”

“Great,” said Mike unenthusiastically, staring at Eleven. 

“Great,” Eleven said with an equal lack of enthusiasm. She looked back at Max and Lucas, who motioned frantically for her to lean forward. 

Eleven leaned forward. 

Mike leaned back. 

Eleven leaned forward. 

Mike leaned back. 

Eleven leaned forward. 

Mike leaned back too quickly this time, and he would’ve fallen over if Will hadn’t caught him in his big, strong arms. Wrapping his own arms around Will’s neck, Mike felt a flurry of butterflies erupt from his chest and a blush form on his face– Man, Will truly was a man’s best Best Man best friend. Man. 

“Wow,” Mike breathed, before darting forward to briefly smooch Eleven on the lips. 

Eleven tried to put a hand on Mike’s face, but he shook it off. 

“Mm, no.” He said. 

There was a pause. The room was silent. Then, Eleven smiled. “That was sufficient,” she said, “Goodbye.” 

Eleven pushed Mike away and walked nonchalantly off the altar.

The officiant looked like she’d just witnessed her house get sucked up by a tornado. “Congratulations!” she said with every last shred of enthusiasm left in her tired body. 

As scattered, half-hearted applause erupted again, Will addressed Mike. “Do you want me to put you down now?”

“No,” Mike said, taking off his sunglasses to look him in his pretty eyes. 

Shrugging, Will carried Mike away. Meanwhile, El linked arms with Max and Lucas and they stepped down the altar together, away from any prying eyes. “Do you think they bought it?”

“Oh, absolutely,” said Max, “You said the kiss was ‘sufficient’, Mike let you put your hands on his face for a fraction of a second… No-one suspects a thing!”

Eleven couldn’t tell whether Max was being sarcastic or not. “Bitchin’,” she said, not a care in the world. 

Lucas snorted. “Toooootally tubular,” he said loudly in a Valleygirl accent. 

The three walked away together. 

Still left standing on the stage, the officiant was dumbfounded. How could she even begin to question what was going on here? She hadn’t even told them to leave the stage yet. They didn’t even leave the stage together. They were escorted off by the best man, the maid of honour and the flower-boy. 

What the actual fuck?

The officiant sighed. She needed a drink. To the open bar!

-

After everything was said and done, Ted Wheeler immediately made a beeline for the all-you-can-eat buffet. One section in particular: the fried chicken.

He was grabbing handfuls of chicken and shoving them onto his plate, when he met another person’s hand in the middle. It was soaking wet, stained with fried chicken crumbs, dripping car grease and beer. Ted looked up, and was awestruck by the familiar face he saw. 

“Lonnie? Lonnie Byers?”

Lonnie chuckled. “The one and only.”

“What are you doing at the buffet?”

“Same as you, of course. I’ve been craving some–”

“Fried chicken?” Ted interrupted. 

Lonnie gasped, mesmerised by the magical man in front of him. “How’d you know?”

Ted pointed to the colossal pile of fried chicken sticking out of Lonnie’s pants. “Is that fried chicken in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Why not both?” Lonnie winked. 

The two chuckled. While Lonnie was distracted, Ted reached his hand into his pants and pulled out a piece of fried chicken. 

Lonnie continued. “Hey, there’s only one guy I know who likes fried chicken as much as I do. You’re Ted Wheeler, aren’t you?”

“The one and only.”

“What do you say we take all this chicken somewhere… private?”

Ted Wheeler smirked. 

-

The officiant wanted to cry as she watched two middle-aged men in stained white singlets shove fried chicken down their pants. What happened to society? What had the world come to? She speedwalked past them, just wanting to get to the bar. 

She had never wanted a drink this desperately in her life. Not when she witnessed a little girl steal five boxes of Eggos from the grocery store. Not when she lost her jazzercise studio to a freak mall fire. Not even when her lying ex-husband Todd claimed his sports car was stolen by a strange man in a Hawaiian shirt and his slushie-loving, child-murdering Russian hostage. 

She divorced him, naturally, although she always regretted it. 

She had rebuilt her life over the course of a few years. The officiant had taken her job in order to move past her strange traumas, to help people find love and happiness, to reinvigorate her hope in humanity. 

Now she was wondering whether humanity was really worth it anymore. 

She collapsed onto a bar stool, banging her head repeatedly on the counter. The bartender, a balding man with funky glasses, long hair and a beard, looked at her expectantly. 

“What’s the strongest thing ya got?” She asked. 

“Well,” the bartender said slowly, “We have rubbing alcohol and bleach in the back–”

“PLEASE. I’LL TAKE ANYTHING.”

“...I was joking. You know that would kill you, right?” There was a silence as the officiant stared at him blankly, her head still resting on the counter. He continued, “You know that would kill you, right?” 

The officiant lifted her head off the counter and stared directly and unblinkingly into his eyes, as though she could project all her pain and desperation into his soul via telepathy. It’s a shame superpowers weren’t real. Distantly, she heard laughter and the sound of a bowl clattering to the floor. 

“Okay,” the bartender said shortly. “I am going to pour us some vodka, and you are going to tell me your troubles so I can read you like the intelligent, sane psychoanalyst bartender I am. Sound good?”

“Mhm.”

A moment later, the bartender reappeared with several very generous shots of vodka in hand. The officiant took two and downed them. “I’m Liz, by the way,” she said.

“Okay, Liz,” replied the barman. “So a series of strange traumas led up to you and your ex-husband’s divorce, you became a wedding officiant all because you believed it would finally reawaken the love in your soul again, only for you to be blindsided by the insanity you witnessed during this very ceremony. Now you don’t know what to believe anymore, you’re questioning every decision you’ve ever made that has led you to this point, and you’re seriously regretting your divorce.” 

“How– how–? ” 

But Liz received no answer. Instead, Liz took three more shots of vodka and promptly fell face-first into the bar. 

“Another successful analysis,” said the bartender to himself. “Nice job, Murray Bauman, you’ve really outdone yourself this time!”

Then he ninja-jumped over the counter and skipped away.  

“BY THE WAY,” he shouted over his shoulder, “I’M NOT A BARTENDER!”

Liz wanted to cry. Instead, she fell off her stool. Lying on the ground, she groaned, “Todd…” Then she passed out.

Murray cackled. 

-

“Will, let me go!”

Will’s chuckling turned to hearty laughter, “No! You said you didn’t want me to put you down!”

“Well I’m saying it now!” Mike exclaimed through his hands. 

“And I’m saying no!” 

Will began to spin them both around, unknowingly drifting them right into the buffet table. They were both laughing, but not for long– they hit the empty fried chicken platter first, and as Will spun Mike again, a bowl of fruit clattered to the floor. Shocked, Will let go and Mike dropped to the ground. 

“Ow,” Mike groaned, placing a hand tenderly to his tailbone where he fell onto it, “Oh, I’m gonna destroy you, Byers.”

Fruit surrounds him, strewn about the floor like a juicy massacre. Mike gathered the fruit in his hands and Will started backing away, but he was too late, because Mike was throwing it at him. It hit him right in the face, making a glorious splatter as bits of fruit land all over the place. There was strawberry in his hair, banana slices on his suit, and grapes tumbling to the ground. 

Will’s mouth hung open in shock as fruit dripped down his face. He flicked most of the moisture off his hands and wiped them on his suit. Then, he looked right at Mike. “You. Will. Pay.”

Soon, Will was chasing Mike across the hall. Platters of food floated into the air as he ran past them, before clattering down onto the floor. If anyone noticed, they didn’t seem to give a shit.

Karen Wheeler stared at Mike and Will as they chased each other through the hall. She wasn’t paying attention to the surrounding area, just watching the boys dart and weave and dodge each other. 

She wanted to say something, but to whom? Ted was gone, Joyce was occupied with Hopper, and Nancy was occupied with her gun. Karen reached into her handbag and pulled out her hair straightener. She walked to the most desolate corner of the room, ensuring nobody could see her. 

“Hair straightener,” she asked quietly, “I can tell you anything, right?”

She twitched her hand, and the straightener nodded.

“Mm. You remember Michael, my son?”

“It’s been years,” said the straightener as Karen’s hand twitched again. “But I remember the boy. Such curly hair.” 

“Yes, he takes after me. It’s a shame he won’t let me straighten it anymore.”

“A real shame,” said the straightener.

“Yes,” said Karen. She looked behind her, where the boys were done running, now standing against the wall chatting idly. “That Byers boy has such lovely, straight hair. What a shame it’s covered in… fruit .”

“Fruity indeed.” 

“What do you say, H.S.? Shall I take you for one last ride?”

“Karen, I’d be honoured.” 

“Perfect, time to–”

“Karen,” said a grouchy voice behind her, “I’m going to… is that your hair straightener?”

Karen startled then spun around, clutching H.S. to her chest like a precious gem. Breathing hard, Karen replied, “Yep.”

“Me and Lonnie are gonna get some more food,” he said, nodding towards the buffet table. All the food seemed to have inexplicably been flung everywhere, as though it had floated around for a few seconds before dropping unceremoniously onto the floor. Picky eaters, probably.

“Have fun,” said Karen, but Ted was already walking away. 

“Oh, we will,” said the straightener. 

“Yes, H.S. We will.” Lightning struck outside, and the lights flickered. Karen cackled with glee.

-

Dustin, Lucas, Max, El, Jonathan and Nancy were standing together by the buffet table, chilling out. They each had a fruity cocktail in their hands, which they were sipping periodically - besides Dustin, Lucas and El, who were drinking straight whiskey.  

Mike and Will ran across the hall, platters clattering around them. As they slowed down and walked towards the door of the venue, they all watched, indifferent. Except Dustin of course, who looked like he had just seen Vecna voguing on the dance floor. 

Eleven chugged the last of her whiskey. “I am going to get a better drink. Perhaps one of those cocktails with fruit. Goodbye.”

After she left, Dustin looked around to check if anyone else was listening. “So…” he began, “Anyone else think it’s weird that the bride and groom are just… not hanging out at all on their wedding night?”

Immediately there was a chorus of No’s and Obviously Not’s . 

“WHAT?” He shrieked, voice cracking. “So… so you’re telling me everything that happened here today is an example of a completely normal, healthy relationship? You don’t see anything strange about…” Dustin gestured wildly across the room, “ALL OF THIS?” 

Now the others looked confused.

“We didn’t say that,” added Nancy. 

“Obviously it’s weird and abnormal,” Max said. “But Mike and El are, you know…”

Dustin squinted, his upper lip curling as he tried to figure out what he was apparently supposed to know. 

Max’s eyes widened. “YOU KNOW.” She gesticulated wildly to emphasise her point.

“No, I don’t know.”

“...What?” Max’s voice had dropped to the quietest whisper Dustin had ever heard come from her mouth. 

“I don’t know.”

Max looked at everyone else in the group, clearly panicked. They were too. Dustin was getting more confused by the second. He asked, “What was I supposed to know?”

Dead. 

Silence. 

Jonathan shook his head, loudly asking, “You didn’t tell Dustin?!”

Max turned to him, “No that was your job!”

Nancy said, “No, no, we never agreed to that. You and Lucas were gonna do it, remember?”

“Shit, shit, shit…”

Lucas sighed, “Yeah, we were gonna do it, but we couldn’t find the right time, and you said if we didn’t tell him, you would!”

“Okay, but you had to tell us you didn’t tell him before we would–”

Dustin groaned. “Oh my God, stop! What was I supposed to know?”

-

Mike and Will had exited the venue, giggling and snorting the whole way. They needed a private place to hang out, just the two of them. They looked through the car park, until one particular vehicle caught Will’s eye. 

As Mike and Will broke into Lonnie’s car, cackling gleefully, they both heard a noise from far away. It was a loud, long, voice-cracking, shrieking, “WHAT?!” But just as abruptly as it had started, it was suddenly cut off, as though someone had put a hand over whatever was making that blood-curdling noise.

“What the hell was that?” Mike asked through the cackling.

“It sounded like Dustin.”

“Huh. You think something’s wrong?”

“Nah. I’m sure it’s fine. Quick, let’s get in.”

“Cool.”

-

Jonathan and Nancy chatted idly by the buffet table, watching Lucas, Max, and El, and Dustin where they were seated on the floor. Dustin was in the middle of them, looking harrowed, as El patted his back. He took a tentative sip of her cocktail. 

“Hey, that’s pretty good.”

El grinned. “Right?”

“I’m never drinking straight whiskey again.”

“Did you not like the whiskey? You do not have to give it up if you enjoy it.”

“It tasted like ass, El…” Dustin bemoaned, “But like… good ass.” Then he burst into tears. 

Lucas patted his back. “There, there. It’s ok, buddy.”

“You still like whiskey, right, Lucas?”

“Clearly,” Lucas replied, holding up the full glass in his hand.

“Ok,” Dustin panted, wiping his eyes. “So I’m not the only one. Cool. That’s fine. Everything is fine.”

Max patted his back. “I like whiskey too, you know.”

“Ok… that’s… also fine. Everything is absolutely 100% okay and I’m totally fine.” Then he burst into tears again. “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL MEEEEE?!”

-

Jonathan turned to Nancy. “So, the fruity cocktails are a metaphor for homosexuality, right?”

“Definitely,” she replied. 

“Cool.”

-

“Let’s go eat our delectable chicken carcasses in my car, Ted,” Lonnie had said. “No-one will bother us there.”

But when Lonnie and Ted arrived at the spot where Lonnie’s car was supposed to be parked… it was floating. The fucking car was floating in the fucking air like fucking magic, what the fuck?

“My fucking car–” said Lonnie.

“It’s floating in the fucking air–” said Ted.

“Like fucking magic– said Lonnie.

“What the fuuuuuuck–?” They said at the exact same time. 

Ted smirked. “Welp, I guess we’ll have to find a different vehicle to perform our depraved acts of chicken consumption in.”

“I guess so,” replied Lonnie. “Hey! Look at that car over there!”

Lonnie was pointing in the direction of a cream-coloured sports car with its roof up and a number-plate which read ‘TODFTHR2’. 

“You think Todd will mind if we borrow his car for a bit?” said Ted. 

“He never has to know,” replied Lonnie. 

The two middle-aged men high-fived, then linked arms and skipped towards the vehicle, giggling the whole way. 

-

Meanwhile, seven metres above the ground of the parking lot, Mike and Will broke away from their makeout session. Mike lifted his hands from where they had been tangled in his boyfriend’s glorious, fruity bowlcut. 

“That giggle,” whispered Mike, “Did you hear that?”

“Ew, yeah, it sounded like Lonnie,” Will whispered back, grimacing.

“No, no, no,” said Mike, “it sounded like my Dad .”

Mike and Will shared a confused look, and the car wobbled in the air for a second, but stayed floating. Hearing no more giggling, they went back to making out. 

-

Now in Todd’s car, they shared the KFC Go Bucket that Ted had saved hours earlier. Lonnie and Ted reached for the same piece of chicken, and their hands touched, sending warm tingling sensations down each of their fingertips. Instead of moving away, they both tentatively grasped onto the chicken tighter, their fingers linking together. Ted moved his hand up. Lonnie moved his hand up. Soon, the last piece of fried chicken was level with both of their mouths. 

Ted and Lonnie looked each other in the eyes. Ted raised an eyebrow, Lonnie winked, and soon they were biting the chicken leg decadently from both sides. 

“Mm,” said Lonnie, his mouth full of greasy white meat.

“Mm-mm,” said Ted, words muffled by what he was swallowing down.

They chomped into the chicken like it was their last meal (and who knows, it might have been). Soon, they were both licking the bones clean. 

Lonnie looked up from the chicken leg. “You know, this is the first time I’ve eaten chicken with another man before…”

Ted raised his eyebrows, shocked. “I had no clue.”

“Well, I used to eat it with the ol’ ex-wife, but it was never…”

“Enough?”

“Yeah…” Lonnie gazed into the empty KFC bucket in thought. “How’d you know?”

“When my wife would cook chicken for me, I’d eat it. Savour it, even. But it was never enough for me, Lonnie. I was always thinking about eating it with…”

“With…”

“Do you remember back in high school, when we–”

“When we shared that KFC family meal?” Ted nodded enthusiastically, grinning from ear to ear. Lonnie continued, “God, I’ll never forget it, Ted. A day hasn’t gone by when I haven’t thought about it at least once. It was the best thing I’ve ever done.”

Ted gasped. “Me too! Vacations, promotions, getting married, having three kids… none of it compared to the fried chicken we shared together, Lonnie. None of it.”

“You mean that?”

“I really do.”

Lonnie shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe it. All this time, I was eating chicken with woman after woman– when I could’ve been eating fried chicken with you. We could have been eating it–”

“Together,” finished Ted, gazing longingly at the empty bucket between them. 

“TOGETHER!” The two men yelled. 

In the distance, a car crashed seven metres to the ground. 

-

Lonnie’s car was flaming, but Mike and Will paid no mind; they were too busy dying inside. 

“Holy shit,” Mike panicked, “Holy shit.”

“Together,” Will blurted out, “they yelled ‘together’, Mike.”

“Oh my God, Will. That’s my actual Dad. And your actual ex-Dad.”

“They said it together !”

“I bet they’re together–”

“Are they together?”

“What, like, togethe-together?”

“...Would that make us step-brothers?”

“NO.” Mike shook Will’s shoulders. “NO, WILL, NO. NO! NO! FUCK NO. FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU.”

“Gladly.”

Mike snorted. “Fuck off.”

The boys stepped out of the now-flaming car wreckage and watched their fathers from a distance. Whatever was happening in that cream-coloured sports car had the potential to scar them for life. And yet, they persisted on: they had to see what their fathers were up to. 

-

Suddenly, Lonnie brought his hand to Ted’s chin and their eyes locked together. “Ted, I have a stupid idea. One of the craziest ideas I’ve ever had, besides planning to cover up my psychic son’s kidnapping for cash using a fake body designed by the lab I was in cahoots with.”

“Tell me,” said Ted.

“Do you wanna run away together?”

Ted put his hand on Lonnie’s shoulder. “We could go to every KFC in the state.”

Lonnie grinned and put his other hand on Ted’s. “Every KFC in the country.”

“And we could move to a farm, raise chickens of our own–”

“And kill them ruthlessly with no remorse–”

“Then slather them in grease and breadcrumbs–”

“And eleven secret herbs and spices.”

Ted laughed, “Yes, I’ll go with you! In fact, why don’t we go right now?”

Lonnie reluctantly took his hands off of Ted and turned his keys in the ignition, moving his hands to the steering wheel. “But won’t your wife and kids notice?”

“Ah, fuck ‘em. They’ll survive without me, I’ve barely talked to them in years.”

Lonnie cackled. “My man!”

“No,” Ted whispered tenderly, “My man.”

After a second’s pause, the two men touched hand-to-hand, nose-to-nose, and both Lonnie and Ted spoke. “Our man.”

Lonnie reluctantly moved away, ready to accelerate him and Ted into their crispy, chickeny destiny, but before he could, there was a knock at his window.

He looked, and the first thing he noticed was the bowl cut. 

Ah, shit. It was his gay, gay son. 

There was a knock on Ted’s window, too. Ted looked, and saw–

Ah, shit. It was his gay, gay son.

Both boys started speaking, but they were completely inaudible through Todd’s thick, glass windows. Ted leaned to Lonnie. “Mind rolling down the windows, my man?”

Lonnie sighed. “Fine, my manly man-man. I’ll roll down the windows so we can find out what our gay, gay, homosexual, gay, homosexual sons are blabbing about now.”

He rolled the windows down, terribly slowly, Mike and Will’s expressions withering more and more until it was done.

Mike and Will spoke at the same time, “Dad… you guys are together, aren’t you?”

Lonnie and Ted replied at the same time, “We’re in this car together, yes.”

“No,” Mike and Will continued at the same time, “Are you together together?”

Lonnie and Ted both went pale, gasped, and said, “TOGETHER? WHAT, LIKE SOME KIND OF HOMO? LIKE SOME KIND OF HOMOSEXUAL GAY HOMO?”

“Like a couple.”

“A COUPLE OF GAYS????!??!?!?!?!?”

Mike and Will rolled their eyes and sighed, exasperated. “YES, DAD, A COUPLE OF GAYS. ARE YOU A COUPLE OF GAYS.”

“No,” the chicken-loving buddies replied together, “We simply have a deep, soul-reaching bond that we have developed through a mutual love of KFC fried chicken. Any latent homoeroticism is purely coincidental.”

“Right. Keep telling yourself that, I’m sure it’ll come true eventually.”

There was silence for a moment. Nobody quite knew what to say. Then, Ted and Lonnie both spoke at the same time–

“What about you boys?”

Mike and Will’s eyes widened, “What?”

“That’s why you came out here, isn’t it? To eat crispy fried chicken together in a beautiful, purely coincidentally homoerotic expression of love?”

“No… we came out here to make out with each other in a beautiful, incredibly purposeful homosexual expression of love. That’s why we thought you two were out here.”

“EWWWW!” Ted and Lonnie yelled, “YOU BOYS LIKE BOYS ? GROSS! YUCKY! EWWWWWW! NO-NO-NO! ME NO LIKEY–”

Will willed a brick to fly through the driver’s side window frame and hit Lonnie on the head, knocking him out. 

“Huh, I guess I do have powers. Alright then.”

“I’m just glad he shut up for once,” Mike said, “Annoying shit.”

There was another silence. Ted furrowed his eyebrows, thinking more than he had thought in decades. “Wait,” he began, “So you’re telling me… my mega-gay homo twink son… was an actual homo this whole time?”

“Yep,” Mike replied.

“I see”, said Ted. Then, he clicked his tongue. “You’re a disappointment, son… just like your father. Well done.”

“Wait,” Mike exclaimed, “So you are gay!”

“No, just a disappointment like you.”

“But you and Lonnie?”

“We’re chicken-loving gal pals, son, that’s all.”

“Hoy fucking shit. Okay. Great. I’m so glad you and your gal pal LONNIE BYERS can eat your CHICKEN TOGETHER. Just drive away, please.”

“I’m proud of you, son,” said Ted, a single tear rolling down his face– wait, no, it was just grease from the chicken.

“Don’t be proud of me, Dad. That’s the worst thing you could’ve said to me.”

“Good, I was lying.”

“Thank fuck.”

Suddenly, Lonnie woke up. 

“Hey, Willy.”

Will turned his back to Lonnie, screamed in frustration, making every window in a 50 kilometre radius explode, then turned back, a strained smile on his face. “Yes, father dearest?”

“You’re straight, right? This was just another one of those funny little dungeon stories of yours, right?”

“No, Dad, I’m gay.”

“You’re… gay as in happy? Happy to be straight?”

“No Dad, gay as in gay.”

“Not even a little bit straight?”

“NO, DAD. I AM GAY. G-A-Y. I LIKE MEN. HOMOSEXUALLY.”

“Oh…” he thought for a moment, then looked at Mike, “And you’re one of those homosexuals too?”

“Um. Yes. I am also a homosexual.”

“Okay. Right.”

A smile slowly started to spread across Lonnie’s face. Will’s eyes widened. Could it be? He was… happy? His father, who had spent years tormenting him for the way he perceived his sexuality… this man was… happy? He was grinning, a wide-eyed, crazy grin that stretched across his face. Lonnie opened his mouth–

“See you in hell, homos!” He slammed his foot on the accelerator, and they were off, leaving only the smoky smell of KFC in their wake. 

Mike walked over to Will and tapped him on the shoulder as they watched their former fathers drive off into the sunset. “Hey,” said Mike, “Does Lonnie know he’s headed straight for that flaming, bottomless wormhole from our final battle with the Upside Down?”

“Nope,” said Will, smiling serenely.

“Ah, fuck ‘em.”

“Yeah, they can burn in hell.”

Then they made out again, ignoring the distant screaming and the smell of burnt chicken. 

-

“Liz?” Todd yelled as he ran straight into the wedding hall. 

Oh God, this was such a horrible idea. Liz was nowhere to be found, the wedding patrons were staring at him, there was a vicious-looking young woman with a sawed-off shotgun pointed right in his direction, and worst of all: there was no more fried chicken left. 

If he was Liz, where would he be?

Judging by the crowd gathered here tonight, that woman would be trying to drown her existential sorrows in alcohol by now… 

Of course!

Todd headed straight for the open bar, but when he got there it was empty. No-one to be found. Another dud– what kind of bar doesn’t have a bartender? He was about to walk away when a strange man came running up to him. He was balding, with groovy glasses, long, dark hair and a beard. 

“I’M HERE! I’M HERE, JUST YOUR USUAL BARTENDER READY TO TEND SOME BARS.”

Todd grinned and sat down on the barstool. The table in front of him was covered in shot glasses, vodka and drool– but that didn’t matter, the bartender was here!

“What can I getcha?” said the bartender. 

“Have you seen a woman named Liz around? She’s the wedding officiant here, always smiling, loves vodka…”

“Two of those things were definitely true. Yes, I’ve seen her… but let’s talk about you.”

“What’s there to talk about? I’ve really gotta find Liz–”

“Here, have some vodka. Helps you think, maybe you’ll even figure out where your Lizzy is. In the meantime, I must do some Murraying.”

“Murraying? What is that?”

“Nothing, just a little psychoanalysis. Now, let’s see here…”

The bartender leaned forward, squinting. He took his glasses off, rubbed his eyes, and put them back on again. There was a pause. “Oh.”

“What?” 

“That’s strange. I’ve got nothing.” The bartender looked completely thrown off. “No struggles, no ulterior motives or deep-seated sexual repression… Just a regular guy. All you want is to find Liz and drive out of here in your beige sports car.”

“How do you know I have a sports car?”

“You tell me, Toddfather.”

“Just tell me where to find my ex-wife, man.”

“Alright, fine, you wanna know where Liz is? Last I saw her, she was passed out at this very bar. So I dragged her unconscious body onto that bench outside. With a blanket. For safety.”

“WHAT THE FUCK? OKAY, THANK YOU, BYE!”

“Goodbye, Toddfather. Goodbye,” Murray whispered, a single tear streaming down his face. “My Murraying is finally complete.”

Todd ran as fast as he could, faster than he’d ever run before. He needed to get to Liz, needed to find her again and explain everything–

He burst through the back doors of the wedding venue, and right there on the bench, wrapped in a blanket was Liz. She blinked groggily, turning her head in his direction, before doing a triple-take and falling right onto the ground, like some kind of pathetic caterpillar woman.

That was the Liz he knew and loved. 

“Liz!” Todd shouted, hastily kneeling on the ground beside her and cradling her blanket-wrapped body in his arms. “Are you okay?”

“Todd? I thought… I thought I’d never see you again,” she hiccuped. 

“Well, you did tell me that you never want me to see you again.”

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I? I’m so sowwy, pwease fowgive me?”

“Liz, of course I forgive you. Everybody’s car gets hijacked now and again, and everybody gets called a liar by their wife of ten years, divorced, then kicked out onto the street every once in a while. It wasn’t your fault.” 

Liz smiles and hugs him. “You’re welcome to come back anytime, Todd. If you want to, that is.”

Todd chuckles. “I want to do more than just live with you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I want to have babies with you, Liz. I wanna be a Toddfather.”

“Yes, a million times yes!”

“Great! We’ll have those six little nuggets we always wanted…”

“Of course Todd, that’s–”

“The best part of the Happy Meal,” they said together. 

Liz smiled, a single tear dripping down her face. “I love you.”

Todd grinned, a single tear dripping down his face. “I love you more.”

And like two magnets propelled together, Todd and Liz embraced for the first time in too long. Liz’s tired, jaded exterior wore away immediately, and Todd didn’t even care that his second cream-coloured sports car was being driven straight into some kind of hell-void by two chicken-obsessed men. He had his Liz back, and that’s all that mattered. 

The screaming was pretty annoying, though. 

Murray looked behind him, checking that he hadn’t been followed. As he slipped into the storage closet, he noticed that the man he had locked inside hours ago was still screaming. Or, trying to; the duct tape took care of most of his efforts. 

“Jeez, shut up already!” Murray rolled his eyes, “I told you I was going to let you go. Just had to take your place as bartender to do some Murraying, you know how it goes.”

The man shook his head frantically, a single tear streaming down his face and onto his neat all-black suit; an odd contrast to his curly, dirty-blond mullet. 

“Fine, I’ll take the duct-tape off,” Murray said. “I’m done now, anyways.”

Just as he said, Murray ripped the duct tape off (and a few barely-there moustache hairs). But something was wrong. The man, who had seemingly just been screaming for his life now had a blank expression on his face. 

“You shouldn’t have done that, Murray.” A small smile edged at the corners of the bartender’s mouth. 

Murray rolled his eyes. “Get out of here with that cryptic crap. I am a black belt in karate. I have taken down countless Russians. I will not hesitate to take you down as well, now get out of this closet.”

He opened up the door and the man stepped out immediately, practically running away from Murray and in the direction of the main hall. Suddenly, the bartender turned around. “Oh yeah,” he called out, grinning. “I was never the bartender. Check the fuckin’ freezer, detective !”

With that sinister remark, he was off, and Murray was beginning to regret his cool dismissal. 

Should he run after the curly-haired impostor, or check the freezer? Option one was long gone, but option two was just a few feet away. Freezer it was. Murray strode over to the freezer, opened up the heavy sliding door, and blinked hard. 

Inside was a terrified-looking young man with his wrists and ankles tied, shivering violently in the cold of the freezer. His hair was neatly combed, and Murray realised that all-black suit wouldn’t have looked out of place on him; given that everything but his underclothes seemed to have been missing, that wasn’t much of a stretch. 

Murray quickly helped the actual bartender out of the freezer, and as he took one last look before shutting the door, he saw something. Lying on the ground was a white tank top, covered in dried blood and meat. 

Now that he thought about it, the guy had looked kind of familiar. Curly, dirty-blonde mullet. Barely-there moustache. Bloody tank top. Meat monster. 

That red-headed girl, Max. Didn’t she have a brother? 

Shiiit. 

-

Karen was alone. Well– except for her beloved H.S. 

Her hair straightener had never let her down, not like everybody else at this wretched wedding. She couldn’t even find it in herself to be happy that her clearly homosexual son was getting married to a woman. Normally she’d be overjoyed that her boy was following in his mother’s footsteps, but today she was furious. 

She had half a mind to chat up the wedding officiant and get married to her hair straightener instead– but she had a better idea. 

Karen had been married to Ted for years, but it was clear neither had feelings for the other. From the moment they met in high school, when Karen plonked herself down on top of the pile of KFC between him and Lonnie, and asked Ted to go out with her… from that moment, she knew their heterosexual union was merely a homosexual disguise. 

They had kids together, they had a life, but that didn’t stop Karen’s true feelings. That didn’t stop the urges. Karen knew what she had to do, once and for all. 

Her heels click-clacked against the floor of the room as she made a beeline for Joyce Byers, who was talking to Jim Hopper. Joyce Byers, her old companion. The reason she sought out Ted in the first place. 

Karen was right on the verge of every scourging urge she surged to purge.  

She hesitated for a second– Was she really going to risk everything for a chance to revive a pitiful lesbian romance that had been dead for decades?

“Oh, fuck it,” Karen whispered to herself. Judging by the screams and the smell of burning chicken that wafted in from outside, Ted had clearly left to revive his own homoerotic relationship with Lonnie; it was either this, or nothing. 

“Joyce Byers,” she proclaimed, tapping the woman on her shoulder.

Joyce turned around, her lovely, wavy hair spinning with her, a polite expression on her lovely face. “Oh, Karen! It’s been a while. How are you?”

“Joyce Byers,” Karen repeated. Then she laughed, a long laugh, a laugh so long it was starting to make Joyce and Hopper visibly uncomfortable.

“Are you okay?” Classic Joyce, ever so lovely, ever so caring.

“Joyce Byers, I want you to be my wife.”

Joyce’s eyes grew wide, then softened as a quaint, queer expression quirked across her face. “Oh… I’m sorry Karen, I can’t.”

Karen’s stomach dropped to the floor, and she started hyperventilating. “But– but you’re a godless homosexual, like me! I’m your only hope for happiness!”

“No, Karen. I’m not a godless homosexual– I’m a godless bisexual , and I’m with Hop now. I’ve already found happiness with my beautiful bisexual hubby-wubby. You should’ve asked me a decade ago. I’m sorry, I really am.”

Karen’s eyes flashed red with murderous intent. A smile crept across her face, disguising her rage and torment behind bleached-white, perfect teeth. “Oh, that’s okay. Hey, what’s that over there?”

“What’s what?” Joyce said, as she and Hopper’s gaze followed where Karen’s finger was pointed. 

Karen immediately grabbed Joyce by the back of the head at lightning speed, pulled her hair down and straightened it in a flash. 

“Holy shit! My hair!” Joyce shrieked, “Karen, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, KAREN??? KAREN?!?!??!?!!?”

But Karen didn’t reply. Her rage, torment and fractured hope had been brewing into a toxic mixture inside her for some time now, and now it was bubbling up– in the form of laughter. 

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” Karen cackled with glee, “GET STRAIGHTENED, BITCH!”

“Get my ex-husband’s name out your fucking mouth!” Joyce bellowed in reply. Then she slapped Karen in the face, knocking her to the ground. Karen was soon scampering off into the crowd of clueless wedding patrons. 

“Hop!” Joyce elbowed him lightly in the ribs, “Why didn’t you do anything?”

Hopper turned around to face his wife, eyebrows furrowed. “I couldn’t see what Karen was pointing at… Wait, did you do something different with your hair?”

Joyce sighed, just happy Karen had left. “Nothing much, Hop.”

Then Joyce and Hopper kissed, hehehehehe. Kissy-kissy. Mwah. Mmmmmmmmm. Kiss. KISS. KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. 

Karen was about to run outside and cry, until she spied Dustin’s mother by herself, picking up what was left from the buffet table. She speedwalked towards her, only one mission on her mind– but she was too slow. 

Dustin’s mother screamed, ran towards her son (who was still being patted on the back by Lucas, Max and El) and hid behind him, shivering. “Never again,” she whispered, memories of click-clacking hair straighteners echoing in her mind.

“Goddammnit!” Karen yelled, click-clacking her hair straightener in fury. She then scampered outside on all-fours, leaving a room full of weary wedding patrons in her wake. They all seemed to make the decision together; this whole wedding was the most confusing mess they’d ever attended, and they wanted to witness every last bit of this horrific trainwreck. 

So, they followed. Every last patron. Including a certain undead curly-haired bastard, who hadn’t been invited. 

Karen sat on the steps of the venue, sighing wistfully every ten seconds. A few metres away, the wedding officiant was wrapped in a blanket and snogging some guy in a beige suit. Just ahead of her, Karen’s clearly gay son was making out with Joyce’s clearly gay son next to The Fiery Wormhole, in which her now ex-husband was finally burning into a crisp along with his sweet, lovable friend Lonnie. 

Everyone had someone, it seemed. Everyone except Karen. 

Karen flashed back to the time she had been the most happy. At the pool, with the gals, trying to impress the lifeguards. One in particular. She never did get to go on that date…

Karen sighed for the forty-second time in seven minutes. She really did miss him. “Golly gee, H.S.” she lamented. “Where’s an eighteen-year-old lifeguard with a mullet when you need him?”

“RIGHT HERE MRS. WHEELER!” said Billy, rising from the ground, covered in dirt, with half the flesh on his face melted off and chunks of his torso missing. Eek!!! So dreamy and cute!!! 

“Actually, I’m not Mrs. Wheeler anymore. I’m just Karen now,” she corrects. “Karen Creel.” 

Billy laughed as a centipede crawled out of his mouth and into his missing eye. “Woah, like that crazy murder family? That’s hot, Mrs. Creeler.” 

“Totally,” she said, standing up. Karen ripped her dress off to reveal a blue and pink bathing suit. “You know, I never stopped wearing it, Billy… not for–” 

“353 days?” said Billy. 

Karen nodded, tears welling in her eyes. 

“I know,” he replied. “I’ve been watching you from the mind of your dead, telekinetic brother, Henry.” 

“That’s hot,” she replied. “Wanna marry me, eighteen-year-old undead lifeguard?”

“I really do, Mrs. Creely-Weely. I really, really do.”

“Ok,” said Karen, shrugging. She and Billy walked off into the sunset, holding hands. Suddenly, they were both knocked to the floor by something– or someone– who had just burst from the ground. 

“PICK ME, KAREN!” Yelled Bob Newby, holding up a sign that said, “Pick me, Joyce!”

Will finally stopped making out with Mike for long enough to whisper, “Bob?” 

Bob looked towards Will and paled. “Aw rats,” he growled. “No, I’m not Bob.” Not-Bob’s face shifted violently, and he rose from the ground further, revealing a horrific yet familiar body. 

“Vecna?” Will whispered.

“Wait, what?” Mike exclaimed, finally looking away from Will. “VECNA?”

“Yeahhhhhhh. Sorry, kid,” Not-Bob-Actually-Vecna admitted sheepishly. “Ya got me. I survived the fiery bottomless pit, and… I had to take my chances with your Mum.”

Mike nodded, just happy that Vecna had apparently stopped wanting to destroy the world, and not wanting to get into any more epic battles.

Meanwhile, Will was flabbergasted. 

“BUT HOW DID YOU SURVIVE THE FIERY BOTTOMLESS PIT? IT’S BOTTOMLESS!”

“Well…” Vecna began. But before he could continue, Karen spoke. “Billy… Not-Bob-Actually-Vecna… I have made my decision.” 

She sighed, a new record for most amount of sighing in one fanfiction. “I’ve looked at all my options and I’ve decided… My hair straightener is my one true love. She’s always been there for me, through thick and thin hair… and she’s beautiful. I’M GOING TO MARRY MY HAIR STRAIGHTENER.”

Karen walked confidently over to Todd and Liz, and ripped them apart. “HEY, LIZARD McWEDDINGOFFICIANT!”

Liz gasped, “How did you know my full, legal name?”

“I need you to pronounce us wife and wife,” she said, gesturing to her and H.S.

“Okay, fuck. Uh, Karen and hair straightener, you’re now wife and wife. Go kiss or whatever.”

Karen took Liz’s words seriously, because she and H.S. began to perform something that can only be described as a burning, passionate, kiss-adjacent war crime.

Vecna watched on, sad but intrigued by the display. Billy watched on. Smirking, he said, “That’s hot… really hot… OH GOD I’M BURNING ALIVE!!!!!!!!”  

The wedding patrons had all stepped outside by now, including Murray, who had just smashed a molotov cocktail over Billy’s head. As Billy ran around screaming, Will took the opportunity to break away from Mike and telekinetically throw Vecna into the sun. Damn, having superpowers would’ve made defeating that guy a whole lot easier. 

As Billy continued to run around, everyone began to realise that he wasn’t the only one screaming. There were multiple screams emanating from the fiery bottomless pit… and they were growing louder. 

“Will,” whispered Mike, “Doesn’t that sound like…?”

“I hope not, but I think it is…” Will muttered gravely. 

The crowd watched on as the screams grew louder, and the smell of crispy, smoky, horrifically burnt chicken emanated from the bottomless pit. 

It couldn’t be. 

A crackling, sloshing sound filled the air– a familiar sound that hadn’t been heard since the Starcourt mall fire of 1985. 

It couldn’t be.

The screaming turned to groaning, a painful, horrible groan. “CHHHHHHHHKNNNNNNNN…” the pit-monster bellowed.

It was. 

Every wedding patron in that room had been scarred by years of disaster and torment, but nothing prepared them for what they were about to see. 

Crawling out of the fiery pit of hell was none other than Ted Wheeler and Lonnie Byers. But it wasn’t just the two of them. They had formed a meaty, chickeny, amorphous blob of flesh and fire. The stench was horrific.

-

Meanwhile, on the surface of the Sun, with a pair of indestructible binoculars, Vecna giggled as he watched the whole thing with glee. He knew it was possible for a meat monster to be made without his control… but nobody else was controlling this thing, either. It was sentient; its own beautifully horrific creature. The Meat Monster 2.0.

-

“CHICKENNNNNNN…” The Meat Monster 2.0 growled, low, pained and bellowing. 

The monster quickly made its way to a discarded KFC bucket that had fallen close to the pit. It instantly scarfed down all the crumbs and bones that were once inside. 

“Yum,” said the Ted half of the monster. “Alright Lonnie, should we get going again?”

“Yep,” said the Lonnie half of the monster. “Now that little detour’s out of the way.”

“Okay,” said Will. “Okay. Alright. What the hell is going on here?” 

“Oh, hi again kid,” said the Meat Monster 2.0. “Don’t mind us, we’re gonna go ransack every KFC in the state. See ya.”

“HOLD ON.” Said Will, the last fragments of his sanity about to wither into dust. “HOW THE HELL DID YOU CLIMB OUT OF THAT THING?”

The Meat Monster 2.0 chuckled. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“NO, IT’S NOT, THAT’S WHY I’M ASKING YOU. HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET OUT OF THE BOTTOMLESS WORMHOLE?”

“Because it’s a bottomless wormhole… and we’re both bottoms.”

Will was not okay. 

“DOG FUCKINIG DAMMNNITN!!!!!! ASDJHFGAKSFG!!!!!! FUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!”

Meanwhile, Mike was intrigued. “Wait, does that mean Vecna’s a bottom?”

Will was too stunned to speak.

-

Billy stared at the beautifully horrific, strangely familiar creature that was standing in front of him. He was no longer screaming, despite the flames that were still sizzling over his body. The flames didn’t matter, because this thing was wayyy hotter. 

“Hey gorgeous,” he smirked, “Wanna go out?”

“Ooh,” the Meat Monster 2.0 said, “Sure thing, pretty lady.”

“I’m not a lady.”

“What? But you have long hair… Sorry pretty not-lady, we can’t go out with you.”

“What do you mean?” Billy was puzzled. “Aren’t you, y’know… a couple of meat-loving meat-men?”

“Only when it comes to chicken.”

“But aren’t you together?” Exclaimed Billy, thoroughly confused. 

Ted and Lonnie shook their horrific, meaty heads. “Ummm, we’re both straight. We’re just straight… together .”

“Hey, kid,” said Billy, looking directly towards Will, who had finally stopped screaming and started crying.

“WHATTTTTTT?” Will wailed woefully.

“Mind flinging me into the sun?”

“Fine, whatever.”

-

Will half-heartedly flung Billy into the sun, where he landed directly on top of Vecna. “Hello, handsome,” he said. 

“Uhh…” Vecna looked sheepish as he pushed Billy off his slimy body. A trail of heavy, sizzling footsteps made their way to the pair. Billy looked up, to see an oddly familiar face standing above him. 

“Sorry, sir,” the man said. “He’s taken.”

“Aw, rats. Sorry about that, Eddie,” Billy apologised. “Hey Vecna, mind flinging me back down?”

“Sure thing, Billiam. Have fun down there!”

-

Billy landed directly on top of Karen, squashing her. She immediately died. Oops.

“NO!” Billy screamed, “NOOOO!” He sobbed, hugging her flattened body. “THE ONLY REASON I CAME BACK TO LIFE WAS TO GO ON THAT DATE WITH YOU… AND NOW… IT SHALL NEVER BE! I’D RATHER DIEEEEEEE.”

So, he died, exploding flesh and centipedes everywhere. The wedding guests were covered in it. They kept watching, though, eyes glued to whatever the fuck was happening.

Billy was dead.

Then, Karen woke up. 

“Oh, hey Billy. Sorry, you killed me for a second there. I’m back though.”

She looked down. In her hand was H.S., completely smashed to pieces. Her beloved, illegally newlywed wife was dead. Splatted onto her lap were the bloody remnants of Billy’s clothes. 

For some reason, she felt the urge to reach into his pocket. 

She did, and found…

“Oh my God. A date.” Karen began to sob, tears streaming down her still-squashed face as she cupped the withered, sun-dried fruit in her withered, blood-moistened hands. “We finally did it Billy… we got our date…”

Her life was complete; there was nothing left to live for. 

Karen Creel was dead. 

A pause. 

One second. 

Two seconds. 

Three seconds. 

The gobsmacked crowd burst into a round of applause, cheering and crying. Never before had they experienced something so raw. So beautiful. So centipede-infested. A few of them had dropped dead as well, a combination of the shock and the stench proving too much for their brains to comprehend. The rest of them would be forever scarred, never able to sleep again, lest the images of burning flesh explode and cascade across their vision in a fiery orange rain of tragedy. 

“Look, Will, they’re cheering,” said Mike.

“Huh. I mean, if they’re fine with watching flesh, blood and hellfire rain from the skies and splatter them with unforgettable horrors beyond comprehension… then I guess they won’t mind if we kiss a little.”

“Yeah, it’s only logical.”

So, Mike and Will made out for a bit… until they realised that the cheers had grown oddly silent.

The bartender was the first to speak. “Wait…” he said, still shivering and blue from being locked in the freezer for four hours. “THOSE TWINKS ARE FUCKIN’ HOMOS???????”

“Ah, shit,” muttered Mike.

“THAT’S GREAT!” The bartender continued. 

“Phew,” breathed Will. 

“BECAUSE NOW,” said the bartender, “WE KNOW WHO TO BLAME FOR THIS!”

“Goddamnit”, groaned Mike.

“THIS INCREDIBLE, LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE!”

“Aww,” said Will.

“AN EXPERIENCE THAT HAS BRUTALLY SCARRED THE MINDS OF EVERY PERSON IN THIS CROWD AND RUINED US FOREVER.”

“FUCKING HELL,” yelled Mike, “DO YOU ACCEPT US OR NOT?”

The bartender jumped, eyebrows raised. “I thought I made myself clear.”

Mike replied, “You absolutely didn’t.”

“Well,” continued the bartender, “I think that’s for the audience to decide for themselves.”

“WHAT AUDIENCE?!” Mike yelled. “WHAT?!”

The bartender just laughed, before announcing, “ROLL CREDITS!”

“No,” muttered Mike, “No no no no no.”

But before he could do anything else, Murray produced another molotov cocktail from his pocket and smashed it over the bartender’s head. Combined with the man’s already freezing body temperature, this created a small explosion that further covered the guests of the wedding in bits of flesh. They didn’t mind at that point.

“Good riddance,” said Murray. “Anyway, you kids are alright by me.”

Usually when Murray liked something, it was very, very concerning. But Mike and Will were touched by this; both had expected to be immediately outcast for their relationship. For one person– just one person – to accept them… it meant the world. Even if he was a strange bastard who had literally just killed a man.

Mike and Will looked to the crowd, who seemed unsure. Suddenly, Liz and Todd stood up, still hugging. Todd cleared his throat. “These two homosexual harlots may have lied to us all, but… Murray likes them. And Murray is the wonderful man who saved my relationship with Lizard McWeddingOfficiant, the woman who kicked me out of my house and destroyed my life a second time after several of the guests at this godforsaken wedding already destroyed it the first time.”

Mike sighed. “Is that good or bad?”

“I dunno”, said Todd. “This whole day has been screwed up, just like the rest of my life. So… I guess that means being gay is normal.”

“Yeah!” Said Liz enthusiastically. “They reawakened my desire for love, indirectly, through their weird, balding friend!” Then Liz and Todd started making out again. 

“Greaaat,” said Murray unenthusiastically. “Excellent points, folks. Very well done.”

The crowd, still covered in meaty, fleshy gunk, was still unsure. 

“But wait…” said one guest, “This Byers/Wheeler relationship… Byler, if you will… it’s just not realistic for this time period. I mean, I know we’re all covered in crawling centipedes and the flesh of the people we just watched die in front of our eyes, and I know we’ve just witnessed horrors beyond our comprehension, but… I dunno. Something about these gay, gay, gay boys just doesn’t sit right with me.”

“Yeah,” said a few people in the crowd, tentative to express their opinions. 

“I see,” said Murray. “Who else feels this way?”

“Me,” said one person in the crowd. “I mean, Mike and Eleven have been together since they were kids! They just got married and expressed their love to each other in a beautiful way… sure, it was a little awkward, and they didn’t seem to want to kiss each other, and when I was watching them from the bushes with my binoculars, I noticed they were a lot happier when they were broken up… but that doesn’t matter. They’re Mike and Eleven! They’re meant to be!”

“Yeah!” exclaimed another person. “Plus, Michelangelo and William are two boys. Two manly, manly boys who like girls. Boys just don’t belong together.”

The crowd looked to Murray, anxiously awaiting his response. 

“Okay, then. How about this; everyone who hates the idea of Mike and Will’s relationship, raise your hands.”

The few people who spoke did, as well as a few confused-looking guests. 

“Wait, who are you?” asked Will. “I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

“Oh, I just stopped by. I didn’t pay attention to the wedding or anything. Actually, I don’t even know who you are. I just don’t like you.”

“Cool, sick, great.”

Murray looked at the crowd. “Alright, everyone with your hands up, walk forward…” he gestured to a spot in the carpark, separate from the others. “I’m disappointed in you,” he told them, “I really am. However, I’m out of molotov cocktails, so you all got lucky; I’m not gonna set you on fire today.”

They all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“But I know someone who can.” He quickly pulled out his walkie-talkie, yelling “BOYS, COME ON DOWN!”

Distantly, barely audible, someone screeched, “YOUR ASS IS GRASS, HOMESLICE!” 

There was no time to escape; no time to move; no time to blink. In an instant, two figures came rocketing in from the sky, hand-in-hand, both on fire, and they landed directly on top of the crowd in a massive crater. 

Smoke billowed through the air. Through the thick, grey fumes, two men stood up. The only ones who survived the crash; Vecna and Eddie. 

Eddie stepped forward. “Now that’s what I call a flaming homosexual.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” said Mike. “Okay Will, wanna go?”

“Yep. Let’s go.”

“TO THE CITY!”

“RUN AWAYYYYYYY!”

Will used his newfound telekinetic powers to blast him and Mike across the country at infinite speed. Vecna and Eddie looked at each other, nodded, and blasted back into the sun. 

Meanwhile, behind the crowd of guests, Lucas, Max and El were comfortably seated together, on a couch, asleep. Dustin was sitting contently beside them, chatting on the phone with Suzie, whiskey in hand once more. Joyce and Hop looked at each other and said, “That’s our son. Our gay, telekinetic son.” Jonathan stared at Nancy with a concerned look on his face, as his girlfriend bit a chunk out of her shotgun. “I made it out of charcoal chicken”, she said. “In case I got hungry”. 

“Mind if I have a bite?” said Jonathan, drooling.

“Why not?” Nancy said. “Chicken is meant to be shared… just like our love. Now at KFC for only $4.99, you can get yourself a delicious Family Bucket of juicy fried chicken; just $4.99 for fifteen pieces of succulent, delectable fried chicken– I’m lovin’ it!”

“Nancy,” Jonathan whispered. “That’s the McDonald’s slogan.”

“What?” She whispered, true fear clearly visible behind her eyes.

Click.  

Murray was standing behind them, a real sawed-off shotgun in his hands. 

“Say that again. I dare you.”

“It’s… it’s…”

“IT’S FINGER LICKING GOOD!” Shouted Jonathan. Tears streamed from his eyes as he grabbed Nancy’s chicken-shotgun and took a mouth-watering, scrumptious bite. “It’s… finger-licking… good,” he sobbed. 

“Good,” said Murray. “Good… then my work here is done.”

He started to leave, and everyone in the crowd breathed a sigh of relief. Until he suddenly stopped, turning around again. 

“Oh yeah,” he grinned, “I almost forgot.” Murray took a bite out of his shotgun. “You’re not the only chicken-obsessed freaks in Hawkins.”

“Now, for $4.99,” said Murray, “You can get yourself a delicious Family Bucket of juicy fried chick–”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!” Will shrieked, flying into Murray at the speed of light, shattering him into pieces and splattering the crowd with even more flesh. “If ANY of you mention KFC to me EVER AGAIN, you’ll be next. Got it?”

Everyone nodded.

“Good.”

Will flew away, and Hawkins kept their word; they never uttered those dreaded three letters to one another ever again, lest they relive the worst day of their lives; the day of reckoning; the darkest wedding in Hawkins history; the day Will Byers snapped. 

Legend goes, if you stand in front of the mirror in the old, abandoned Byers house, and whisper, “KFC… KFC… KFC…” Will Byers will appear in your reflection, and when you’re finally found, they’ll never fully scrub you off the walls. 

Such is the legend of Hawkins, in which the strangest things are bound to happen. It’s finger-licking goasdkuvgjhSADJFHGABKSADHFGXABFYWGBXINWKFGXNKAEJWFGXABEKFGNXAKEUVYGFUCKINgFwkrjc3fgnejUCKWHATTHEFUCKNXEVUENXRUVYGNEKVUGXNEFGNEASUwefjhbcqknbfj3hYFXGNEAKFXYGNEKSFYGXNEKsfdmnbSRUHVXNEKSURHVGNSEKUHFGXNEKSURHFXGNESKUFHGXNEKUHFGNSKURFGXNEKSURFHXGNKEUFHGXNEKSUFGNXKERSUHGFKHafkwqh...................,,,,,,,,,///////////////////////////////////////////////oops

-

Hey guys, it’s me again, your narrator. I got splattered into a fleshy pile of meat for a second there. Sorry about that. Don’t worry, though; turns out KFC isn’t chicken at all. It’s just the batter, eleven secret herbs and spices, and the body parts of the unfortunate cretins who dared utter its name. I found that out when the colonel himself broke into my house to make me into KFC. I’m a ghost now. TOODLES. 

-

Yoooooo. If you made it to the end, I love you, please comment so I can congratulate you for surviving lol

[th3-r4t-k1ng]

Mike Wheeler Power AU

this has been on my mind for a while; i might try and write it myself-

Mike Wheeler who cant die, Mike Wheeler who can see and talk and interact with ghosts.

(Think like Klaus from the umbrella academy.)

Mike Wheeler who is #13 from Hawkins lab but never showed any powers outwardly so the lab gets rid of him via adoption, they figure he's too young to remember anything from the lab anyway, and if he's living in Hawkins they can monitor him just in case powers do pop up.

Except no powers pop up and at 13 they figure 'He's a normal kid with a very active imagination and no powers' and so they drop the surveillance and focus on El (self explanatory), and Will once back from the upside down and has more promise power wise the Mike ever did in their eyes.

Mike grows up adopted by the Wheelers who thought Karen, who was having fertility problems, wouldn't ever be able to give them a second child like they wanted (Holly was their miracle baby after Mike) They 'Love' him, provide for him, try to connect with him; but its hard; He's hard to connect with.

Mike has an 'overactive imagination' and new imaginary friends pop up each week, The Wheelers think he's being rude when he tells them his newest imaginary friend is a older man named Mr. Charlie; Karen tells him to stop making fun of their old neighbour's death. Mike was never aware he passed.

Mike always seems to know things he shouldn't, like how the late Mrs. Johnson had a drug problem or that Miss Read had passed away in her sleep before the general populace knew she was dead.

Ted tells Karen something is wrong with Mike; that maybe they were wrong to adopt. When Mike brings up his dead grandmother who Karen never talks about she agrees, They take him to a exorcist, they take him to church regularly and slowly Mike gets 'fixed'

Mike is 13 when he first figures out something about him isnt quite right.

When he jumps from the quarry El can't catch him and he falls. He finds himself in a barren white space with a tall women who takes him in her arms and promises everything will be alright. He wakes up on edge of the quarry, El and Dustin looming over him, Dustin crying and yelling and El giving him a look he cant quite decipher.

El 'saved' him, at least thats what Dustin thinks; in reality El brought what should have been his corpse back atop the quarry, and she is very confused as to how Mike survived.

El still disappears, and Mike is left alone with no one to help him figure out what's going on. He cant ask his parents, he doesn't trust or know how to contact Owens so he acts normal and focuses on Will. The quarry death incident is pushed to the back of his mind once he realizes something is wrong with Will and from there things progress like canon until he finds El with Hopper.

Mike still breaks down and gets mad at Hopper, then he's reunited with El.

(in my mind El and Mike don't really get involved romantically, when he's with her he's more focused on trying to figure out how the fuck he didn't die and who the lady in white space is.)

(I suppose you could imagine this with whatever romantic pairing for Mike you want, I prefer Byler; however you can imagine mileven if you want, you do you)

S2&3 progress similar to canon; Max & Billy show up, however Mike still plays D&D with Will and doesn't brush if off like he did in the show, its a good distraction from everything else.

Then things start going sideways with the mindflayer, Mike gets overwhelmed with how many people are being possessed; the mindflayer basically pushes the soul out of its body and suddenly Mike is seeing tons of souls that shouldn't be souls, He realizes something is really wrong when he sees double of Will & Billy (possessed body and wandering soul)

Mike can't really talk to the souls of the mindflayers victims till they die, thats kinda of when he realizes that the people he sees are ghosts.

Will & El move, Mike sends letters to El about his maybe powers, he doesn't send letters to Will trying to call daily instead, Joyces job holds up the line, he wont send letters to Will though, focused on trying to figure himself out, and he can never figure out how to write letters to Will well, they always end up too intimate (insert lettergate here lol)

Will & Mikes family assume he's dating El, He still joins hellfire and still plans to go to california. Max still pulls away, deals with Vecnas curse, Lucas & her are still broken up, Chrissy still dies in Eddies trailer starting the manhunt and Vecna arc.

However Vecna targets Mike first; noesbleeds, hallucinations, the whole nine yards. Mike flouts, his bones break and he dies.

Instead of the tall woman in whitespace Mike ends up having a flashback to the lab; he sees himself with El and 01 and the other numbers; #13 tattooed on pale white skin. He sees his adoption after the scientists determined he had no powers. He sees one of them burn the tattoo off him before he's adopted by the Wheelers.

He wakes up in a pool of his own blood knowing more about himself then he ever has, he understands himself better now.

Then he gets shipped off to California.

(This is a rough draft, this has also been eating away at my brain for the past few days. I will be writing more, and refining it. If you wanna use this to write something please do, then tag me, i wanna read it. Also expect more little bits from this AU. I have gotten very attached)

Theres a second part now

[etakeh]

A simulation of "teargas tuesday" in downtown Portland, June 2, 2020.

This is a 12 minute video, but there are brief bits of it used in this Guardian article if you want the most important bits. Rolling Stone also did a bit on it.

So if you hear about how activists burned down Portland, you can show them: it wasn't fire from activists, it was chemical warfare from the police that made things so bad down there.

Police who then did nothing to clean it up, even from nearby schools. The activists did, though. Yes, the activists did.

Anyway knowledge is power.

[arachpool]

Lucas and Dustin have pretty solid home lives, sure Dustin is, as far as we know, without a father, but his mom seems to be pretty damn great.

So what if one day, they’re all at the Wheeler house, and Mike’s ranting. Ranting about how his dad doesn’t give a fuck about him and how negligent of emotions his dad can be and how he pretty much hates his fucking father and he hates how his mom just lets him be a dick to him and he hates it. And Dustin and Lucas are just confused. Like “what do you mean you hate him? He’s your dad, you can’t hate him, he loves you” and Mike just gets pissed off because of course they don’t understand, Dustin doesn’t even have a father to compare this behavior to, his mom dotes on him more than anything in the world, and of course Lucas doesn’t understand because he has a family who clearly shows affection and has parents who clearly love each other. He kicks them out, saying that he wants to nod off in a bit because, sure, it’s late, great excuse.

Then, he just hesitates at Will. Because Will doesn’t denounce Mike’s anger, or say that Ted is a great dad. No. He just listened, hearing what Mike was saying and not arguing with him, because Will knows. Will has seen how Ted treats Mike and Nancy, he’s heard Mike’s tangents about the bullshit that Ted has said, he’s heard Mike rant and cry over Ted calling him a queer, even if Mike just overheard it. Will knows. Mike knows that Will knows.

So instead of snapping at him to get out, he just lets his anger go, tears welling in his eyes as it finally peaks. He catches the way Will’s eyebrows twitch with worry, and he decides to forget it, a sob crawling up his throat as he collapses onto the couch right next to Will. They stay like that, sitting next to each other as if unsure if they were allowed to be closer. Slowly, Mike’s attempts at being stoic crumble to the ground, and he digs his face into his hands, sobs finally breaking through. Will gently nudged Mike to fall into him, and soon enough, Mike’s hidden in Will’s chest, clinging to Will’s sweater as Will holds him, a frown pulling at the brunet’s lips.

Will plays his hand into Mike’s hair, knowing deep in his conscious that he’s crossing a boundary he set himself, but he’s forgotten to care. Gently, he scratches at Mike’s scalp, wishing the latter didn’t have this issue to cry about. Wishing he could protect Mike from the harsh words and odd stares from his father. Wishing Mike would let him do even a sliver of what he dreamed of.

He knew, though, deep in his soul, that he couldn’t have what he craved. So he kept his mouth shut, continuing to dream of things he knew were way too far out of reach.

[h3artstar]

In This Corner of The World

Stranger things AU - Deaf! Mike x Lucas

"Chocolate?" Lucas took out the piece of candy in his pocket, showing it to Mike, who was entertaining himself by skipping the cracks in the cement of the sidewalk.

Mike took the piece wordlessly, popping it in his mouth before signing thank you to Lucas. He smiled and returned the gesture.

He hadn't realized just how life changing being friends with Mike was. If he were any younger, he would've laughed at the thought of becoming friends with the local deaf kid, who was pretty well known around town. Everyone knew who Mike was, and sometimes it wasn't for good reason.

Lucas used to be one of those who made fun of Mike. But that was back in elementary school, when he had absolutely no sense of right and wrong and even encouraged others to outcast the deaf kid. It wasn't until he actually hurt Mike while trying to do a harmless prank that he realized just how intense bullying could be. 

Then he Mike left school for good. And everyone hated him for a short while after that. Dustin was the only one he had back then. Even Will and El avoided him like the plague because of what he did. In those few months of being avoided and outcast by everyone, he felt intense anger. He wasn't the only one who took it upon themselves to torment Mike. Everyone fucking did that.

Will and El had a reason to be angry at him. They , re the only ones who could hold that grudge, becaue they were the only ones who learned sign language and talked to Mike, and not of pity but out of genuine interest of learinng.

He was forgiven, but Lucas knew that his actions would forever impact their friendship.

After that, Lucas went on a long road to redeem himself.

And now he was friends with Mike Wheeler. Which was surprising considering he used to bully the kid. But Mike was compassionate and forgiving, although he was a bit skeptical of Lucas and his intentions.

Mike grabbed his jacket, forcing him to stop in his tracks. Lucas gave Mike a confused look. "What?" He signed. Mike just pointed over at the bench near the playground.

"Let's Eat." He signed with his fingers, gesturing to the bag of takeout Lucas had bought earlier.

Lucas let himself be dragged over to the wooden bench, smiling at Mike's eagerness as he sat down next to him. "Okay, calm down. But don't blame me if it gets cold out here." He muttered, but Mike didn't seem to mind. 

He realized, after hanging out with Mike a few times, that the boy liked takeout a lot. And it made him wonder if he was even allowed to eat takeout at home. Everytime Lucas bought a burger from the diner, Mike would stare at him with pleading eyes, even going as far as verbally speaking. When Mike spoke to him, he couldn't resist. Mike realized this after a few times, which made Lucas laugh at his cunning actions.

Mike ate the burger like he was starving, making small noises of approval. Lucas let out a chuckle and mocked the noise as he ate.

The time they spent together in the afternoons felt short-lived. But Lucas knew otherwise. The sun was setting by the time they finished their burgers. He wouldn't have cared much that the sun was setting if he were hanging out with Dustin or Max. But Karen Wheeler was a very strange woman who thought that her teenage son was kidnapped or lost if he wasn't home before seven.

Lucas took Mike's hand into his. "I have to take you home before the sun sets." He signed as he spoke, although it was a bit choppy and probably not correct. Mike didn't have his hearing aids in at the moment, which made it a bit harder to communicate with him, considering that Lucas still needed to learn a bit more about sign language.

Mike, however, frowned, squeezing Lucas' hand, and shook his head at that. "Can we wait a bit longer? I don't want to leave yet." He said, his eyes shining and pleading up at Lucas. He almost felt himself give in, but Karen already didn't like him that much as it was, and neither did Ted. He was on thin ice if he brought Mike home after his curfew.

Lucas shook his head. "We can't. Your mom told me to have you home before the sunsets, and she would hate me if I brought you back late." As gently as he tried to say it, Mike started to look desperate and.... and almost like he was afraid to go home. Why would he be afraid?  

Mike knew he wouldn't win this time, and he got up from the bench without any more explanations or reasons. But what he said next formed a lump in Lucas' throat. "Mom is scary." He signed. He paused before continuing. "I don't want to go home."

Lucas tried really hard not to dig deeper into the abusive implications of that. But Mike made it really hard not to.

[voidwritesstuff]

LUCAS COLE HEADCANNONS

Fandom: in sound mind

♡Sorry for the long post! Im on Mobile and I cant add a read more :( also sorry for any military inacuracies! (Spelling???)

CW:Alusions to PTSD,talk about food, nightmares, war, war related trauma. Food poisoning, Lucas literally shot himself in the foot. Suggestiveness. Talk about religion (catholic/christian)

->reblogs and comments over likes!

♡Has some old records with music from the sixties, plays them when he misses his buddies or wakes up from a nightmare.(helps him relax)

♡knows how to Cook but he has no actual kitchen, this lead to him experimenting a bit too much and getting food poisoning.

♡still has the whole set of drums, sometimes he plays when he needs to let out his feelings. and he plays very loudly. The perks of living in a cabin in the Woods!

♡coffee addict, a microwave and a coffee machine are all the commodities he has.

♡cant sleep in a normal bed, hes too used to sleep on a cot,even pillows that are too comfortable prevent him from sleep. Though I Belive that he could get used to it again with time (his back needs It)

♡Back issues aside hes pretty well physically, Strong inmune system, very strong (can Haul all his groceries in one go), toned muscles (which have earnt him some bedroom eyes), has a shit ton of resistance and endurance. His knees tend to crack a little but thats about It.

♡likes to limber up and excersice outside, shirtless (people who have gone for a walk on Elysium park at early hours of the morning got some eye candy for breakfast)

♡he wakes up at the ass crack of dawn, even the birds are telling him to go back to sleep. Always makes breakfast in time to watch the sunrise.

♡hes a sucker for an all american breakfast,he sometimes Cooks it when he feels like treating himself (which is not often, mind you).

♡has picked up some books that talk about ww2, some that he was recommended (some from desmond or other people hes talked to). The one that hes read the most was a book recommended to him by Wheeler.

♡Every night he prays, at first when he was younger he was your run of the Mill, "born in a catholic family" Beliver, but after the war he Turned to religion as a way to cope. Hes not going to Mass every sunday but every once in a while he pays a visit to the old church of milton haven

♡Father Ted Krill has invited him over for some tea, Lucas has done some repairs here and there too.

♡When he feels particularly lost or in dispair he carries around a small rosary, plays with it absentmindedly (it was alphonso's).

♡when I tell you this Man can SING. HE HAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL VOICE (if we consider his vynil cannon. He can sing). Sings in the shower and on the road if a song he likes plays on the radio.

♡humms while doing things

♡has a habit of poking his tongue out when hes concentrated.

♡hes very good at fixing cars and other engines. Hes lived in his van for a long time so he figured he might as well learn how to fix the van himself.

♡latino-native (this hc is originally from birdsandcake on Instagram). His dad is Native american and his mom is mexican (this addition is mine tho).

♡when I tell you he can dance! hE CAN DANCE HIS ASS OFF. He hasnt danced in a while but hes a bit self conscious about it. But he still dances every once in a while (latín blood baby!)

♡likes rock music the best. Has learnt to play some on the drums.

♡when his Friends and him were talking about band names, one that stood out to Lucas was "The Ragtags". For him, it described his friend Group very well.

♡on particular bad nights he only eats MREs and cheap beer, since that what his Friends used to do when they were stationed in their camp.

♡showers in the army were SHORT. So now he takes long ass showers that have his water Bill Sky high. He doesnt care, he has the money to afford it.

♡he washes his Plate in the sink of his bathroom (cannon) and Desmond has been begging him to get a dishwasher or a proper kitchen. It drives desmond wild for some reason.

♡When he feels like fucking with people he talks in the NATO phonetic alphabet. Desmond is sick of his shit

"Ive been craving some Papa Alpha November Charlie Alpha Kilo Echo Sierra"

"You can just say that you want pancakes"

"This is more fun"

"Fun for you"

♡desmond has learnt the NATO alphabet by heart. And once he replied in it and now its a competition to see who can spell the longest words (hey they gotta kill time somehow)

♡Lucas cares for desmond as if he was part of his military buddies. Fiercely protective. In return,Desmond offers his psicologist insight when Lucas asks for it or Des feels like he needs it.

♡Lucas recently adopted a dog called Radio (this hc was originally made by birdsandcake in some doodles they made). After the game, desmond is Open to this New pet, and cares for it when Lucas is out.

♡lucas has found Radio and Desmond asleep on the one person couch. He found it endearing.

♡Lucas uses hearing aids (this hc is also made by birdsandcake)

♡for his birthday, Desmond gave Lucas his old vinyl player. Lucas was overjoyed.

♡his relationshipp with desmond is purely platonic, and truth be told he missed having Friends. They have a stupid ammount of inside jokes.

Ex:

•the time Lucas tried to do one of those cakes in a cup and almost burnt down the house because he left the thing in the microwave for a long time. Known as "the microwave cup-cake incident"

•the time Desmond told him something in spanish which was far from what it actually meant, Lucas laughed his ass off for weeks. They call it "Lost in translation"

• Lucas told him about the time he literally shot himself in the foot (he was young and Alphonso let him out of his sight for five minutes). Now every time he goes to practice his aim on his makeshift shooting range desmond says "dont shoot yourself in the foot" to which Lucas replies "too late"

♡Lucas defenetly still remembers VIVIDLY the scold Alphonso gave him when he shot himself in the foot. Lucas had to do 200 pushups with Alphonso sitting on his back to make sure he didnt "do anything stupid". He slept for 12 hours afterwards.

[bylerisc4non]

Do you have any predictions for how Stranger Things will end?

EXCELLENT QUESTION! I have many predictions but they're more like random blurry ideas than full on theories. For the most part, I've theorized about each individual's end needs and development:

El - She'll contribute to killing Vecna and closing/destroying the Upside Down. She'll move on from Mike. She will start to find her own identity. She starts to live a normal life, healing from her past wounds. I personally would be very happy if she lost her powers just so that'd be easier for her.

2. Will - He's a big key to defeating Vecna and ending the Upside Down. His connection to that world will be broken and he'll be able to start to move on. I personally hope we see him starting to heal from the trauma all of that caused him. Obviously breaking his connection and ending the UD will be a big part of him getting closure. Hopefully he'll have closure with all the miscommunications with Mike. (Byler Endgame :)) I just want him to be happy. 😭 Please let him smile. Let him be happy!!!! He better get a fucking boyfriend and it better be Mike. (if it's not Mike I'll be really disappointed/confused because wut but anyway. as long as he's happy, i'm happy.)

3. Mike - He's gonna die. Or almost die. I just know it. I may be delusional, but Idc. Mike will be dying and I'll be sobbing. But Gay Love heals so he'll come back to life. Anyway, Mike will get very close to death, but survives. Maybe that prompts him to want to hold onto Will and what's important in life. He'll learn to accept and love himself. He'll be honest with Will and honest with El. I'm still a firm believer that he's going to crack a bit in the UD or from Vecna. We're going to see those bottled up emotions. (At least, we better, or I will start a riot.)

4. Max - She will live and have her much deserved happily ever after with Lucas.

5. Lucas - He will live and have his much deserved happily ever after with Max. Movie date :)

6. Dustin - Dustin cannot die omg. If they so much as touch him I will be pressing charges. I will put the duffers in an early grave.

7. Nancy & Jonathan - End up together. I'm not sure how the whole college thing will work out... But they're endgame so.

8. Robin & Vickie - The will start dating and have their super power lesbian moment 💅

9. Steve - No longer the babysitter, he'll most likely move away. He'll meet someone new, someone he can actually drive around and have six kids with. (not nancy lol)

10. Bonus: I really want Karen Wheeler to leave Ted lol But I'm not sure if it will happen.

11. Another bonus: I want to see Holly growing up 😭

[mizufae]

Different hooks for the sundry stranger things fics I want to write but probably never will unless I find a partner in crime because apparently writing is a fully collaborative activity for me:

Speculative season five action adventure wherein Hopper has brought that big sword back from Russia and Mike steals it and fucking tromps around slicing monsters in half like a real life paladin and Will faints because it’s 2 hot 2 handle but then a second later Mike trips over nothing at all and they both end up on the ground embarrassed

Meandering post-climax ponderings on hair symbolism that starts with Mike realizing Eddie is truly dead and chopping off his hair in a dramatic fit of teen mourning, eleven and hop growing their hair back together, will also chopping off his hair in sibling solidarity and it transforming from Mike’s grief to the three of them processing their traumas together via hair growth, Steve tutting at everyone as they all complain while it grows back through awkward stages, and Robin going through a very long manic panic phase. (Would need to do historical hair dye research)

The Sinclair parents being the only competent married people in town, helping out Max’s mom, who doesn’t want to accept because she is kinda racist, scenes about blackness and class status in a small town and the intersectionality of stigma

A whole thing where Karen Wheeler sends Ted off with Holly out of town asap and thinks she is going to go confront wtf is going on only she gets trapped or otherwise goes missing and Nancy and Mike think she is dead and fucking go off to rescue their mom and have sibling power duo scenes and they have fun bickering chemistry and rescue their mom who is alive and doing okay all things considered. Meanwhile Ted is like, inventing the internet so he can ask yahoo how to legally divest himself of a small child

A Labyrinth inspired plot wherein Holly gets kidnapped by Vecna and Mike has to embark on a scary journey to get her back and on the way discovers he is so super gay, at some point Henry shows up in tight pants

Dustin and Steve convince Joyce and Hop to read Claudia into all the secrets so they all pick their way over to Dustin’s house to find Claudia with a rifle and dozens of knives and also a meatloaf in the oven and she is like “Do you honestly think I don’t listen in on every walkie talkie conversation you boys have ever had???” because Dustin has to get his brains from somewhere

A Barb Lives AU where she gets away from the upsidedown pool in the nick of time and defends baby Will in season 1, who she knows because they are both constantly at the Wheeler’s house. And after they are both rescued they process their trauma together and Jonathan is like “how DARE you take my spot as older sibling” and Barb is like, “why don’t we kiss about it”

Joyce and Nancy 80s makeover montage

The party all go see Star Trek: The Voyage Home in theaters (1986) and they endure a friendship cataclysm as nobody can agree if it was amazing or if it sucked immensely

Steve and Eleven attending college together in their early thirties / late twenties to study childhood psychology

[upsidedownlurker]

My Very Accurate Predictions for ST5 (take these very seriously)

These theories have been painstakingly researched, rewritten and peer-reviewed to ensure they will ABSOLUTELY happen in Season 5. If any of these theories are proven incorrect, it's the Duffers' faults for creating a poorly-written show.

Spoiler warning! My theories will definitely come true, so this is basically just a run-down of every plot point in Season 5.

Mike and Will have their first kiss in the Upside Down. This happens in Mike's garage. Argyle, who has been tripping on magic mushrooms for the past five hours, shoves himself in between the kissing boys and does a thumbs-up. He yells, "NICE ONE BROCHACHOS!" Will is so angry at the ruined moment that he punches a wall, which is what causes the garage light to flicker in the real world.

The gang find out that Max Mayfield is alive! This happens when Vecna is revealed to not only be Henry Creel and One, but also Lonnie, Murray, Eleven, Max, and Jamie Campbell-Bower. Vecna (whose real name is Brad, btw) possessed all those characters before the show even started. That's why Lonnie left Joyce, Murray is all cuckoo-bananas, Eleven has powers, Max can skateboard (she has powers too), and why Vecna is played by Jamie Campbell-Bower (for continuity). Vecna made it look like Max would never wake up, but actually she was just chillin'. She is completely healed by episode one.

Karen Wheeler is actually Alice Creel! Alice never died, she just faked it for the lols. That's just the kind of wacky, goofy gal she is. She faked her own death by stabbing herself in the eyes with a dinner fork and breaking all her limbs from sheer force of will. Then she recovered after a few decades and had a family with Ted.

Eddie comes back from the Upside Down! He never died, he just faked it for the lols. That's just the kind of wacky, goofy guy he is. We find out he's alive when Mike and Will are kissing in the Upside Down. After Will punches a wall, the garage collapses. Eddie is revealed on the other side, barely alive and covered in blood. He pulls Mike, Will and Argyle into a group hug and whispers, "Those bats didn't kill me... but forced conformity is killing the youth. Be gay, boys. Be very gay." Argyle cries, Mike applauds, and Will is angry. After that, Eddie dies for real this time.

Will's forgotten birthday is a HUGE plot point!!! Everyone was going to throw him a surprise birthday party where Vecna popped out of a cake, but since Will was in Lenora, Vecna couldn't make it (he gets carsick on long drives). Everyone was so bummed that their favourite spider-loving murderer wasn't there, that they pretended Will didn't have a birthday instead. Will was the only one who knew the truth– Vecna was in Lenora, after all. He possessed Angela in order to wish Will a very happy birthday. Then he realised that bullying Eleven was really funny and wacky and goofy, so he kept doing it. Will was fine with this.

Eleven loses her powers forever... when Eleven finds out that she's been Vecna this whole time, and that she's been bullying herself at school for months, she starts to hate herself. She develops internalised vecnaphobia and destroys every part of herself that reminds her of Vecna. This includes her powers... when Mike finds out, he breaks down and cries, "YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERHERO ANYMORE!!!" Then he faints into Will's beefy arms.

Robin dies... it's very tragic and sad and heroic and also tragic. This doesn't happen in the middle of the season, but at the 53 minute 5 second mark of the final episode. Vecna is dead, Hawkins is saved and everyone survived. She and Vicky are girlfriends by this point, and everyone in Hawkins accept them. Robin, overcome with emotion, hands Vicky a letter and immediately drowns herself in Lovers Lake. The letter simply reads, "THEY DIDN'T BURY THEIR GAYS! WHAT THE FUCK, DUFFER BROTHERS????!?!?!? NOW I HAVE TO BURY MYSELF." Everyone solemnly nods, chanting "Bury the gays. Bury the gays." Vicky eats half a peanut butter sandwich and tosses the rest into the water.

Vecna is defeated by Will, who has actually had powers this whole time but was just too nice to point them out to anyone. He uses his powers (he has powers) to destroy Vecna in episode three, but when he does, he also destroys Lonnie, Eleven, Murray, Max Mayfield, and Jamie Campbell-Bower. The remaining five episodes consist of the rest of the characters slowly struggling through the five stages of grief. They all miss Lonnie so much. They'll never see him in his crusty white tank top ever again. They'll never hear Lonnie tell another one of his classic Lonnie zingers... until the Stranger Things spin-off anime comes out, which is fifty episodes of Lonnie telling the same hilarious stand-up routine to the same crowd of people, which is 90% insults he used to say to Will, Jonathan and Joyce. Everyone laughs and claps. Oh, Lonnie!

Barb came back from the Upside Down in season 3, but nobody noticed because they didn't give a shit.

If you have any additional theories, please leave them in the comments. I'd be happy to use them for the show (I'm a stranger things writer btw, definitely and totally and absolutely yes I am).