#ted lasso hcs

[fanficsandfluff]

would welcome any more tickle headcanons you’ve got about ted from ted lasso 🤭😁😁😁

here we go-go, mu-cha-cho!

Lee!Ted

Because of Ted's people-pleasing mentality, we all know he wants everyone around him as happy as possible at all times.

That means he can totally ler it up, but because I am so deeply in love with Jason Sudeikis and Ted Lasso equally.... I can't not let my cute man be on the receiving end of some tickles.

I can see Ted being all 'awwwhawhaw! you got me!' after he's jogged around with someone chasing him, letting them get close enough to actually get him, obv.

Ted isn't quite sure how to handle getting tickled for real, honestly.

He's been jostled and huddled and hugged so much in his life, what with his duties as a coach and having a close team around him at all times. And it always makes him smile and chuckle.

But getting tickled definitely takes some getting used to for him. And like anything new for Ted (minus the start of therapy, I suppose), he welcomes the experience with open arms and a willingness to try it out.

He's really jumpy at the start of it, when someone would give him pokes/jabs/quick wiggling fingers somewhere sensitive. But it always illicits a giggle.

I imagine Ted being really open to letting Rebecca try this out on him, what with the amazing close friendship they've developed.

And she's so teasy and so delicate with him that it drives him NUTS.

Literally Ted can melt into a puddle of whines and wheezes and giggles with ler!Rebecca coming after him.

He's a big safe word guy, even if it's literally 30 seconds of casual, playful tickling. Similar to the 'Oklahoma' safe word used in the show, I'm sure this one would be another state or perhaps a town in England to even up the playing field. Or honestly something utterly silly like a player's name (Bumbercatch! Tartt!).

Rebecca cracks up when her and Ted have gotten to the point where he'll just start yelling random words through his laughter to get her to ease up. And she always does. He chooses a new word every time a tickle attack happens and just repeats it over and over again. Rebecca knows all of Ted's signs by now so she knows when not to overstep.

Ted slowly finds some comfort in getting tickled. It sends shivers up his spine when he gets the itch for it, or when he knows it's heading his way.

Ler!Ted

Ted definitely has an easier time falling into the ler role.

He loves when he sees tickling used as a form of bonding between the players. It doesn't fluster him unless the tickling's aimed his way (sorry sorry I'll stop with lee!ted 😉).

He's playful and loving as all hell with his son so of course he's thrown tickles in there when Henry was younger.

Getting out of the in-character canonness of the show, and moving to the general xoc or xreader side of tickling, I have a few thoughts...

If Ted finds out you're ticklish, it'll be like you'd given him his Christmas gift early.

But he'll take things slow, again, not having tickling being a recurring part of his own personal life.

His first step would be to get more cuddly with you, more than he's ever been before. Like a warm up to prepare for what's coming.

He'll pepper in ticklish kisses in sensitive spots like the neck, collarbones, the inside of the wrist/palm of hand, on/behind the ear.

And from there depending on the mood he finds himself in, he'd either deliver the most loving ticklish gestures and kisses OR he'd be evil-ler-dad-mode and attack with tickles.

You bet your ass Ted uses his bristly mustache to his advantage and your demise. That poor belly...

Like Rebecca does with him, Ted absolutely respects any boundaries when it comes to tickling.

But he'll be a teaser while it's happening, of course. Saying his typical funny, naive, simple Ted things. I am clearly not up to par with the Ted Lasso writing staff, so I cannot come up with much of anything good he'd be saying. But you get the idea.

"Ooohwee I didn't know this was such a good spot!" "You've been holding out on me." "Geez! With all that kicking you're doing, I could put you to good use at Richmond!" "Who knew tickling someone could be so damn fun?"

Happy Ted makes brain go brrrr!

[its-a-show-stoppin-number]

More Ted Lasso hcs!!!

Colin watched Doctor Who and had the BIGGEST crush on David Tennant (the only episode he will not watch is Waters of Mars)

Jamie has watched Heartstopper and he cried when Nick came out to his mom (this prompted him to come out to his mom and Simon)

Will has seen Good Omens and he stayed up to watch season two (he cried)

Roy has also seen both seasons of Good Omens but he read the book first (he didn’t tell Will)

Jamie and Will are both huge Marvel fans and their favorite superhero is Spiderman (Will’s favorite is Tobey Maguire, Jamie’s is Andrew Garfield)

Phoebe (and Roy but he will never admit he helped) made Jamie the “I am Kenough” sweatshirt from the Barbie movie

Bumbercatch is on Wordle tiktok

Ted really likes the bad lip reading videos

Jamie can sing and play guitar

Isaac can play piano

I don’t know which one but, Will can play a woodwind instrument

Dani and Keeley are astrology girlies and have everyone’s star signs memorized

Keeley and Jamie dragged Roy to watch the Barbie movie and Oppenheimer

Jan drinks straight milk

Beard is Henry’s godfather

Beard sleepwalks and sleep talks

Jamie has night terrors

Beard and Ted taught the team the Cotton Eye Joe dance

Bumbercatch watched all of Corpse Husbands horror story videos

Isaac has three sisters (he’s the second oldest)

O’Brien watches the Great British Baking Show

the whole team plays Stardew Valley and regularly visit each other’s farms

Will needs glasses but wears contacts instead

Random Ted Lasso headcanons because…why not:

Roy is an absolutely PHENOMENAL cook

On the other hand, Isaac can’t cook for shit like my guy burns water EXCEPT for breakfast foods. Isaac makes the best pancakes, waffles, French toast, etc.

Ted and Higgins both go to pride every year and wear a “Free Dad Hugs” shirt

When Frozen came out, Phoebe forced Roy to watch it so many times that he could’ve probably quoted it word for word (he took her to see Frozen 2 and ended up running into Trent and his daughter)

Whenever Trent’s daughter plays pretend with him and hands him an imaginary phone, he always comes up with the WILDEST scenarios for their game

One time at team karaoke (which became a pretty regular thing after the Everton F.C. match), Jamie and Colin sang Agony from Into the Woods and Jamie did the choreography (he definitely didn’t learn it because he rewatched the musical so. many. times. because he had a crush on Chris Pine *wink* *wink*)

Ted made the mistake of showing Me Before You at a team movie night one time and the entire team was sobbing by the end

Bumbercatch is the jumpiest mf ever but LOVES horror movies

One of Jamie’s favorite movies is Dead Poets Society and his favorite character was Neil (he was inconsolable when he watched it the first time and Neil died)

Beard knew about Trent’s crush on Ted and teased him about it every time he got flustered around Ted

The only times Roy isn’t the princess when he plays Princess and Dragon with Phoebe is when Jamie plays with her (Roy has SO MANY pictures of Jamie dressed as the princess on his phone and one is his wallpaper)

We all know that Jamie’s bi awakening was Roy and Keeley but Will’s was Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher in the Star Wars movies

Will was raised by a single mom who he loves more than anything (I saw someone else hc this and it makes so much sense)

Bumbercatch LOVES Buzzfeed Unsolved True Crime/BU Supernatural and low key religiously listens to a true crime podcast

[izzyspussy]

so jamie insists he's not traumatized - and it's true he doesn't really remember - but he does have this list of things he can't do during sex "at least, if i want to have a good time anyway" and he tells roy all this (totally normal topic of conversation) and roy is like ...? do you... not have a good time sometimes? and jamie like shrugs or whatever, nonchalant, yeah sometimes he just does whatever and it's not fun but sometimes eating and bathing aren't fun too so same difference right? and roy is like no. no that's not- don't do that. don't do that anymore. and jamie laughs and says, "are you telling me what kind of sex to have, coach?" and roy's just like, "if i fucking have to, yeah." and jamie just accepts that because look at them, so now that's something roy's in charge of too. and they're still not fucking each other.

[schlattsdoll]

Can you do a poly'SchlattTed x reader? Where all of them are cuddling but schlatt and ted are all soft and lovey and the reader loves it🙏🙏

(Btw I absolutely ADORE you work💜)

tysm lovie!

the three of you rarely had time to cuddle, between living in separate states, their streaming and filming schedules not lining up, things like that. but when ted made plans to go to austin for chuckle week, you had to tag along.

schlatt picking you both up from the airport and taking you guys to the airbnb, where you headed for an IMMEDIATE cuddle puddle on the couch

schlatt was to your left, ted to your right, and you laid in their laps

they're so soft for you, saying such sweet things and giving you little kisses all over

schlatt giving you a lil head massage while ted rubs your legs nd thighs and you're jus so happy to be with your babies again

falling asleep together, waking up only when tucker arrives so they can start filming {they're both sad their snuggles got cut off}

[instantcaramel]

This is why AFC Richmond got banned from all Premier Inns

[matttheratkingart]

You are warmly invited to celebrate in the joyful union of Theodore Lasso jr. and Trent Crimm. RSVP at your earliest convenience. Black tie dress (dress shoes optional)

Detail:

[gaytedlasso]

no clever caption today I just missed drawing Ted SO much

[darrys-laundry]

i just feel like after roy and jamie’s heart-to-heart in amsterdam, jamie probably stops calling roy ‘grandad.’

i don’t think he stops with the elderly jokes at all, and i don’t think he was mature enough to stop calling roy ‘grandad’ back when roy put blankie in the bin in S1 — but i think that night in amsterdam changed how roy and jamie see and understand one another, and i just think that nickname in particular is something jamie would be more sensitive towards moving forward

[wilthing-rose13]

The autism in Jamie Tartt in todays episode was showing!

The stimming when he was upset. The flapping his hands. Not knowing how he’s feeling or why. The chewing on his hoodie strings. The need for comfort from people he trusts. All of it.

It’s just very clear this episode. And I kinda love it. It just furthers my head cannon.

[coachbeards]

pilot ep beardbecca (real, true, not clickbait)

[cloudynyims]

A story of a little borrower who has lived in AFC Richmond since Jamie joined the team(the first time). It takes place a little bit after he leaves and returns to AFC Richmond (yknow, once he’s had some character development). Please excuse how it begins abruptly. Also, the team knows about the borrower. Well, except Jamie. (Can you tell who’s asks I’ve been reading too many of?) about 2.4k words!

Things had been rough since Jamie returned to AFC Richmond. Their open lifestyle with the team abruptly halted. They still remembered the day he came back. 

They were waiting in the locker room for the team to finish training. If they weren’t watching the practice with Ted, they waited near Sam’s locker. Sam was always kind and respectful toward them, regardless of what happened on the pitch. However, this time he walked in, he seemed nervous about something. 

“Sam, what’s—“

“You need to get out of here. Now,” He interrupted. They froze, as Sam never acted like this. He immediately noticed the effect it had on them and sighed, lowering his tone. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lash out like that. But there isn’t much time. Jamie’s back; he’ll be in here any minute. We can talk tomorrow, okay? But you have to go.”

Sam, the team, and the borrower all knew that Jamie finding them would be a terrible idea. They nodded and promptly climbed down the bench to the floor. Wasting no time, they sprinted back into their hole in the walls. Once they were safe, they listened, waiting until they heard Jamie’s voice, confirming the unthinkable. So it was true.

Their mind swirled with conflicting emotions at that moment. Jamie, the one person on the team they thought was gone for good, was back. And probably no different than before, judging by what Isaac had told them about Jamie’s whereabouts since he left Richmond. Apparently, he was on some reality show that got him kicked off of Manchester City. And now he was back here.

A pit formed in their stomach thinking about the last few months. Not having to hide around, not being scared for their life, and not being worried about being vigilant 24/7 were luxuries they had come to enjoy under the care of the team. Now it felt like they were returning back to before. Before the team found them and while Jamie was still here. A life of fear, sleepless nights, and constant anxiety. 

That was about a month ago, and they still were petrified of him, just from everything they heard. From that day onward, they were usually on Roy’s person at all times. The team came to the consensus that they didn’t even want Jamie to know the borrower existed, which they were perfectly fine with. So, they spent a lot of time around Roy, because Roy only put up with Jamie when it was absolutely necessary. 

Getting used to Roy was a learning curve in itself, considering how protective he was. They were often in his pocket while he coached, just so he could ensure that they were safe. Not that they minded, they just missed their autonomy. Frankly, they hadn’t had much freedom or relaxation since Jamie came back. Everyone wanted to keep them out of his hands, so they weren’t roaming around like they used to do when they were bored. 

On another note, they had been in Roy’s pocket a few times when he and Jamie argued. It was unpleasant, to say the least, and the duo always were arguing over nothing. They both spoke way too loud, and the poor borrower's ears always rang for a little bit afterward. Roy usually deaded the conversation pretty quickly when he finally remembered they were with him. Even still, these were some of their only impressions of Jamie, which did not counteract their initial wariness around him.

They were already skeptical of Jamie, even before the team found them. So, after they got comfortable with players, the borrower asked what they all thought of Jamie. Sam had told them a little about what it was like having him as a teammate. Isaac and Colin filled them in on how he treated them, and even Dani had something to say about Jamie as a teammate. Roy, obviously, hated Jamie’s guts, but his criticisms were backed up (for the most part) by the team. None of the reviews were strikingly positive. All of these different and consistent stories solidified their opinion that Jamie was not someone to be found by.

The team only managed to keep them hidden from him for a month or two. One day after practice, Ted called the coaching staff in for a meeting in his office. Roy left them in his office, assuming they wanted some time out of his pocket. He was correct. “Stay right here, Ted wants me for a quick meeting in his office,” Roy said gruffly.

“I’m not a child, Roy. I can go where I like,” They stated, knowing that they wouldn’t leave of their own accord anyway. 

Roy rolled his eyes and started walking toward Ted’s office. “I mean it. I don’t want that prick to find you,” He said over his shoulder before closing the door to his office. And so, they sat contentedly on Roy’s desk, waiting for him to return from that meeting with Ted. 

With nothing better to do, they listened as the team filed into the locker room. The team were slightly more lively than usual, so it must’ve been a good day on the pitch. It made the borrower miss the times when they would watch the team practice from Ted’s shoulder. They saw a new side of the team that they never knew when they lived in the walls. They saw the one passion they all shared for football. 

The room suddenly became tense, and they could only imagine that Jamie walked in. The team still wasn’t very fond of him. Curiosity was testing them, and they wanted to peek out the window but remained on Roy’s desk. They were still curious, but they didn’t want Jamie to see them. Jamie would never willingly visit Roy, as far as they were concerned. So, being in Roy's office was the safest place for them. 

One could imagine their surprise when a few moments later, Jamie sauntered into the room.

“Roy? Where are you, mate? Just want to have a little chat with you, is all,” Jamie said as he leaned against the doorframe of the office. They froze. They weren’t exactly in his line of sight, but they were definitely visible. They watched, eyes wide, as Jamie waited for a response that didn’t come. 

“Fucking hell, I don’t have time to wait around for that bastard,” Jamie muttered under his breath before inviting himself into the room. He glanced around at the various shelves in the office as he slowly walked in. “Won’t even coach me, the ass.” Clearly, Jamie wasn’t in the best mood. Or, he could just be unhappy with Roy. Both were fair guesses. 

But it didn’t matter to them, because they were on the verge of being seen. By Jamie Tartt. Jamie wasn’t the tallest on the team, but his presence seemed so large at that moment. Thinking quickly, they ran behind Roy’s coffee cup and sat behind it, trying to catch their breath. They had never been this close to him before, and it was terrifying. 

Jamie looked around the office space. It was pretty barren of any decorations, so characteristic of Roy. If he was going to wait for Roy to come back from wherever he was, he might as well make himself comfortable. With a sigh, he plopped himself down on Roy’s desk chair. 

He aimlessly swiveled in the chair as he looked around. He leafed through a few of the papers on Roy’s desk before getting bored. He then started drawing on the whiteboard but quickly got tired of that as well and resigned to doing nothing.

Jamie was about to pull out his phone when he noticed the coffee cup on the desk. An idea came to his head. What better way to mess with Roy than to finish off his drink? Was it a good idea considering Jamie came to talk to Roy about coaching him? No, but it was too golden of an opportunity for him to pass up.

With a smirk, Jamie grabbed the cup, and they watched in dismay as their hiding spot was easily lifted away. They were rooted to the spot. They couldn’t move. Jamie was going to see them, and there was no avoiding it. Their mind was telling them to run, but their body wouldn’t listen. They could only watch.

Jamie, on the other hand, wasn’t paying attention. He took a long sip of the coffee only to nearly spit it back out. “Of course, he would drink straight black coffee,” Jamie scoffed. As he went to return the cup to its original position, he locked eyes with them. 

Their mind raced; their heart pounded. Time was at a standstill. They didn’t want to look up at him, but they also couldn’t tear their eyes away. Everything the players had ever told them about Jamie came rushing to the forefront of their brain. 

“No teammate has ever made me feel as bad about myself as Jamie did.”

Sam’s words specifically echoed in their head, along with their panicked thoughts. With all of these swirling in their head, they could barely pay attention to what was going on. He was just so huge. They had grown used to feeling small since being acquainted with the team, but the unease of it all resurfaced tenfold. They had deja vu from the day the team first found me. 

Jamie just… looked at them. His expression was one of confusion, then it morphed into disbelief, and finally curiosity. He blinked a few times as if he was trying to convince himself that they were real. Slowly, he set the cup on a different part of the desk without taking his eyes off them. Now they had his full attention. They shuddered involuntarily.

“What the fuck…” Jamie trailed off. As he gazed at them, he leaned a little closer. His lips were slightly parted in awe, and they could barely feel the breath of his exhales. “You’re just a tiny little thing, aren’t you?” He whispered. If they weren’t so terrified, they would’ve noticed how quiet his voice was. 

They caught sight of movement out of the corner of their eye but didn’t react quickly enough. They could only flinch back as Jamie moved his hand. They tensed up and squeezed their eyes shut, anticipating the unpleasant, sinking feeling of getting picked up against their will. They felt nothing. They peeked up to find that his hand stopped right next to them. “You’re smaller than me hand,” he marveled, still in awe of the fact that they existed.

Jamie frowned, seemingly confused as they shrunk away from his hand. Their reaction prompted him to really look at them, to take in all the emotions littered across their face. “You’re shaking. Are you alright?” In truth, They hadn’t even noticed when they began trembling. But Jamie was starting to see all of their anxious habits: from how they had barely moved since he saw them to how their eyes darted around, searching for an escape.

They couldn’t even form the words to respond; all that escaped was a sharp inhale. Their throat felt tight from the trepidation of the moment. Their body wouldn’t listen to them, even though they desperately wanted to run far, far away. Their silence seemed to perplex Jamie further. If he kept asking questions, there would be a point that they would have to respond. There was no other way out of this scenario. 

His voice dragged them out of their thoughts. “I’m sorry if I scared you,” he said, looking a little bashful. “You… you can understand me, yeah?” They barely nodded, finally giving him a semblance of an answer. He sighed with a gentle smile. “That’s good. If… if you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing here? In the club, I mean.”

There was a beat of silence. They knew they had to talk to him at some point. They took a deep breath, trying to calm their nerves. “I’m… waiting for Roy,” They mumbled, staring at their hands. Jamie couldn’t suppress a smile as he heard them speak for the first time. Such a tiny voice that fits them so perfectly. A part of him was still in disbelief that someone so small existed. Then he registered what they said. 

“You’re waiting for— You know Roy Kent?” His voice rose a bit, filled with disbelief. They nodded and backed up a few steps, growing a little more nervous. Jamie noticed and immediately softened his expression. Roy wasn’t his favorite person, but he knew had to curb his distaste for their sake. Clearly, it was making them nervous. Given how they were acting around him, he could rightfully assume that they were more comfortable with Roy.

“Does anyone else know that you’re here?” He asked, keeping his voice soft.

They nodded but hesitated before answering, wondering how he would take the answer. “Um… the rest of the team knows,” they said, purposefully avoiding his eyes that were trained on them. 

Jamie sat back in the chair, thinking for a moment. After a bit, he finally spoke. “So, everyone on the team knows about you, except me.” He stated, mostly to himself. “And you’ve been here for how long?”

“Three years, b-but the team only found me last season,” was their barely audible response. 

Jamie was sort of frustrated. He knew earning the team’s trust would be difficult, but for them to hide something like this from him was a low blow. To think that his teammates thought he’d possibly hurt them was the reason they never told him. Jamie knew he hadn’t been the best teammate in the past but, this hurt.

Then he looked back down at them again. They had not only spent the last season with the team but also lived in the club for two seasons before that. His heart twinged as he imagined how terrifying he must be to them. They had seen him at his best and worst. He could see that even though they were talking to him and being somewhat cooperative, they was beyond uncomfortable. 

Their hands were winding around each other in a nervous fray; their body and muscles were tense, ready to flee at a moment’s notice. Jamie ran his hands through his hair, contemplating his next words. 

“I’m gonna go,” Jamie began. He could tell that they perked up at those words, but swallowed his pride and continued. “I can talk to Roy later. I don’t want to make you any more uncomfortable than I have. But, I want you to know that I would never hurt you, yeah?”

They tilted their head and nodded warily. “Good.” True to his word, Jamie stood up and made his way to the door. “Cheers.” He walked out of the room, leaving them more confused than anything.

this is heavily unedited so if there are any typos plz let me know :) also, this will probably have a part 2 BUT don't expect it in a timely manner unfortunately. this took me way too long to write argh.

[fanficsandfluff]

your ted lasso headcanons are 1000/10... man... I just wanna be tickled by him

EEE THANK YOU!!! And boy oh boy I completely agree...

I've been requested to do Rebecca & Roy headcanons so they're sitting in my inbox. I'm just waiting for the spark before I write those out. So you can look forward to some more hcs!!!

[meatmensch]

Music I think Roy Kent likes and why

Madonna. In season 3, episode 3, Roy said, "[Pre-Madonna] means before Madonna, female vocalists didn't have to work that hard." This implies a great respect for Madonna and her craft. Also, it's an example of a very specific kind of queer guy misogyny that I find very humorous and implicative (of him being queer).

The Sex Pistols (and other punk rock). Two of their songs are in the Ted Lasso soundtrack. One of them specifically plays when Roy is about to do some pundit work for the first time. I think it's meant to be his hype up music. They're also, of course, anti-fascist and anti-monarchy, which I think Roy would vibe with. He's giving punk.

The music of the Muppets. Canonically (not that I necessarily consider this kind of thing canon, lol) a Muppets fan, I think he'd love the soundtracks to the movies, as well as the numbers they do on the original show.

Rap; Salt-n-Pepa, Queen Latifah, and Beyoncé. I just think he would like them. In season 1, episode 6, Keeley mentions that he has rapped, implying at least some interest in the genre.

Leonard Cohen. I think Roy's Jewish, and he's a broody, sensual bitch. It adds up perfectly. Sidenote: while "She's a Rainbow" by the Rolling Stones was a great choice for the song he runs home to football to, I think Cohen's "Ain't No Cure for Love" would've fucking slayyyed..."I loved you for a long, long time / I know this love is real / It don't matter how it all went wrong / That don't change the way I feel / And I can't believe that time is gonna heal / This wound that I'm speaking of" "I've got you like a habit / And I'll never get enough" "I don't need to be forgiven / For loving you so much"

Klezmer. Again, if Roy is Jewish, and we know he loves and misses his grandad...it's simple. He HAS a record player and a dope sound system, and on his shelves there ARE old klezmer records that he remembers dancing around to with his grandad in their old flat.

Amy Winehouse. Again, if Roy is Jewish, and we know he is broody and bitchy, it is a given. "Rehab" is his anthem when his knee gets bad and he is reluctant to treat it.

Disco; Donna Summer and Jessie Ware. It's just great workout music, and it slays, and if he's queer, well, yes, of course he likes disco.

Pop rock; Elton John and Queen. If he's queer...it's a given. I think he particularly likes "I Think I'm Going to Kill Myself" and "Rocket Man", as he is suicidal (I can't find the interview where Goldstein said this) (it's just Word of God anyway), and the most rocket man motherfucker ever.

The music of the people he loves; Led Zeppelin, Cream, Tina Turner, and Stevie Nicks. Phoebe, Keeley, and Jamie like these musicians. He's a caring uncle, boyfriend, and friend. He is listening and learning. Also, I think Phoebe would be into some weird stuff, like outsider music - maybe some Tiny Tim. I think Roy would also enjoy the music of other friends, from plenty of other genres.

[izzyspussy]

re: those fic ideas always going around about roy bidding on jamie at the next for the children gala

i like imagining sheryl is out for fucking blood this time. she lost jamie that year, then he wasn't there the next (two?) year(s), so now she's fucking determined. she's going to get him god damn it.

so sheryl bids like £6k or whatever, and then keeley as a sort of nostalgic thing bids £8k, and then sheryl bids £10k and there's no bex this year so it seems like maybe that's going to be that, but then roy bids. (he would have stayed out of it if keeley kept bidding, she is an acceptable winner.)

and roy. he's not lazy, obviously, but he hates tedium, he hates repeating himself, he hates attention except for what he wants attention for specifically lmao, and he's got plenty of money to burn. he has something to get done and he wants it done quickly and decisively. so instead of doing normal bids like a normal person, whatever sheryl bids he fucking doubles it.

so he bids £20k. she bids £25k. he bids £50k. she's getting frustrated, she's not into paying this much, but she's fucking determined!! she wants him!!! so she bids £51k. roy bids £102k. everyone's like.... bro omg.

jamie up on stage is like that's so much fucking money. hey, rebecca? hey? that's so much fucking money, actually. that's enough. call it. he gets it, he won. that's so much fucking money. (and like it's part genuine, that really is SO much fucking money, and jamie may be rich now but he grew up poor and that is a lot of fucking money!! but also it's a great excuse to wrap this up, to say okay roy won it's over! and get down.)

and rebecca - slightly shell shocked tbh, but also kind of reading how eager jamie is to get down - is like okay yeah he won that's it. a date with jamie tartt sold to roy kent for 102,000 fucking pounds. and she sends jamie on his way, and there's a lull between him and the next person because everyone is sort of stuck here.

because obviously, no one in this room knows why roy bid, nevermind why he would bid so fucking much. they don't know he didn't necessarily want to win so much as he wanted to make sure no one else did. they don't know he's been haunted by the joke he and keeley made back then ever since he figured out why it was so upsetting to jamie - even though, to be perfectly frank, jamie hasn't figured that out himself, and anyway it didn't make a lasting impression on him, like, it honestly was not that big of a deal in reality, but you know roy kent, any chance he gets to feel like a bad guy he's taking it. so to the outside point of view, roy wanted jamie so bad he was willing to spend £102k to get him. which is honestly a wild bid from anyone, nevermind a) a man and b) a man who could just ask jamie to hang out whenever he wants.

jamie goes right over to him as soon as he gets down from the stage, and he thanks him, and roy tells him he's just making up for last time, and jamie hardly even remembers what he's talking about but it's really fucking nice of him to even care, so he gives him a hug and he says thanks again, not just for this, and roy says he's been fucking honored, and jamie tears up and calls him a prick because they both know he knew that would happen if he said that, and roy does his sinister little laugh because he meant it but he did also do that on purpose, yeah.

and then jamie's like move i'm gay to whoever is sitting next to roy so he can take that seat, because roy just paid £102k (and made quite the grand gesture) so his date with jamie starts right now and goes for as long as roy fucking wants it to thank you very much.

[two-aces]

First headcanon from the archives:

I choose to believe that the entire time that Zava was at Richmond he operated under the belief that Ted and Beard were married. He was very confused when he saw Beards wedding announcement to Jane, and assumes that Ted must have left England because of his and Beards divorce. He mentions this exactly 1 time in the press and it becomes a football conspiracy theory for the ages. Ted and Beard do not refute it, and Trent Crimm doesn’t ever confirm or deny anything about what he knows about their relationship, but he very intentionally and strategically drops vague sound bites about the topic when he feels like trolling journalists he does not particularly like.

[instantcaramel]

Beard / Ted

@quinbi