#tbh survivor is getting me there

[azems-familiar]

🤡 and 👀 for the ask meme!

🤡 what's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

okay weirdly this is a really difficult question for me to answer. i don't generally write specifically humor; most of the funny stuff i've done is sort of in the background and a side effect of something else. hmm. there's this bit from the start of a fic i wrote for Illami, one of my agents:

Nar Shaddaa is, on the surface, a grimy, paper-mache version of Coruscant - all glitz and glamor and gilt neon hiding a seedy underbelly of crime, corruption, and poverty, just like the Republic’s capital planet. Unlike Coruscant, the moon’s political overlords don’t even bother to pretend they care about their lower-class citizens, or the levels crammed with refugees, or the horrific experiments performed here, outside the Treaty’s bounds; as long as they pay tribute to the Cartel, anything and everyone are allowed on the Glorious Jewel’s moon.

Glorious Jewel, ha. It sounds like a fucking euphemism. That’s one species she’d never put her mouth or fingers near, whether their jewels are glorious or not.

and then there's an exchange from the next chapter of my kotor novelization that i am still definitely working on i just hate Taris so much. i am very much enjoying writing Carth and Trask bantering like an old married couple (oh god please ignore that i wrote this like a year ago and haven't touched much of it since. i've been.... stuck)

Waking up feels like clawing her way out of a lake. Sleep clings to her eyelids as she yawns and stretches, the sharp blare of Carth’s alarm drilling through her skull until she forces her eyes open. “What time is it?” she asks, blearily, glancing over to the other bed, and- She rubs at her eyes, frowns, but no, the sight is still there. On the opposite side of the bed from where Carth is slowly sitting up and reaching to silence the alarm, Trask is blinking awake, face pinched and dark circles prominent under his eyes. He must’ve gotten back late; he looks exhausted, she finds herself thinking as he runs a hand over his forehead.

“Too damn early,” he mutters under his breath, and she snorts, pushing herself upright and shoving the blanket off her lap.

“It’s oh-eight-hundred,” Carth says, with far too much energy considering the hour, “and you’d have more energy if you hadn’t come back at oh-five-hundred last night… or this morning.”

Trask mumbles something that sounds utterly scathing too quietly for Shala to pick out before he says, more clearly, “Not even a thank you for the three sets of armor I brought back, captain?”

Shala bites back a laugh, not wanting Carth to turn his glare on her as well, and lets out a yawn before standing, tucking her braids back behind her shoulders. Carth reaches for his shirt, draped over the foot of the bed, and as he tugs it on he says, “Thank you, ensign,” in a voice as dry as the Tatooine desert must be.

“It’s agent, if we’re being pedantic,” Trask says, the exhaustion clear in his voice even around the humor in it, and sits up with a yawn of his own. “We all know how much the military loves its technicalities.”

“Really? You’re bringing the rivalry up right now?”

👀tell me about an up and coming WIP please!

oh god okay. so. i've got a few of these that i'm tossing around from different fandoms. for swtor, i have several different oneshots surrounding my sunlight canon cast planned (there are so many plans actually), but the ones i'm working on currently are a backstory/prologue fic for Ktis and Illitha confronting Vivicar at the end of act one. for dragon age, i really want to write an alternative end to the trespasser DLC for my Lavellan, and i also want to write a slightly different version of the here lies the abyss plotline featuring my Hawke, Anders, and my Lavellan. unknown if these ones will come to fruition or not. but i have thoughts.

mdzs fics wise, i've got a long oneshot that i'm 12k words into and have been stalled on for a while that is a fix-it for Qiongqi path by the power of "wei wuxian brings a-yuan along to the party and shit goes way differently with a child along".

and finally, playing jedi: survivor has gotten ideas stuck in my head, though i currently only have the vague shape of what i want to write, since i need to finish the game to see exactly where and how i want to go AU. but they involve Bode/Cal and dealing with the aftermath of betrayal and also trying to get Bode's daughter back from the Inquistiorius. (yes, i'm aware that's not really compliant with how the game ends, though i don't know exactly what happens. that's why we've got ~au~) and possibly like... redemption? everyone knows i'm a slut for redemption arcs and shit.

tbh lately i've been mostly working on an sw5e campaign and the westmarch server i DM in, but i have missed writing and i'd like to kick this block in the teeth so i can get shit done again

[stealingpotatoes]

hands you all this cal to announce i’ve FINALLY finished fallen order (by which i mean i finally picked it up again after those couple hours i played a few months ago and then finished the whole game in 2 days lol)

[meta-squash]

I think two of the most important things about Jack Harkness, two things that inform almost everything he does and the choices he makes, are this: that he is a soldier NOT a leader, and that his entire life since childhood has been awash in survivor's guilt (and his whole existence after becoming immortal is an even more extreme version of survivor's guilt).

Jack is not a natural leader. He can think on the fly and he's good at getting people to listen to him, but he's not good at control, or at being objective. He's a natural second in command, he's a soldier. He was brought up to do what other people told him to, and to improvise if he had to (Time Agency, etc). But I really don't think he wants to be the leader of Torchwood. Unfortunately, everything about him means that he has to be. He knows from experience that others having control over him is dangerous, others knowing about his immortality while he's a subordinate to them is dangerous, and he also knows that his own immortality gives him an advantage as a leader. But I don't think he's good at leading. He tries to be. But he's fumbling along, in a time period he's not native to and a planet he's not native to and an unfathomable lifespan, and as charming as he is I think he's often not good with people. He's detached where he should be personal and emotional where he should be detached (or at least more level-headed). He's often too extreme or not harsh enough when it comes to things like discipline or dealing with the problems/traumas/mistakes of his employees or even civilians. He can't handle his employees seeing him uncertain/vulnerable and it makes for huge problems over and over again.

But all of this does make sense because I think in the back of Jack's mind there's always this wheel spinning, these gears turning and turning and calculating the impact and trauma each of his actions or decisions or the events around him are going to have on his own emotions for far longer than normal humans tend to consider. Because the catalyst for any part of the life we see him leading is survivor's guilt. He lost his father and his brother on the same day, joined the military and lost his best friend, joined the Time Agency and lost his memories (and maybe thinks he did something terrible). Then he died, and when Rose brought him back, he was all alone on the satellite with nothing but the corpses of the people who had fought beside him and zero explanation as to why he survived, and he had lost Rose and the Doctor besides. And then all his life on earth since, he has lost coworkers and lovers and civilians he tried and failed to save and probably also aliens he tried and failed to save. And I think by the time he becomes reluctant leader of Torchwood, every action is, whether conscious or subconscious, taken with the intent of minimizing that kind of trauma and the impact of loss.

Except that I think that the survivor's guilt has another layer to it, which is that feeling of needing to sacrifice or absolve himself in some way. No one else is willing to make the difficult decisions, no one else will move forward with the painful and unpleasant actions, even if there's no other way, even though they will someday perish and no longer see the ripples of their actions. But Jack - who cannot die, who must live with the guilt or the pain or the trauma of those actions and decisions for the rest of his very very very long life - is the one who realizes that he must take on those painful responsibilities and must do certain things even though they're terrible, because it ends up being the sacrifice of one over the whole world. And every single time, he's guilty about it, and that makes him want even more to sacrifice his own hurt for the grief and loss of others.

So it's this strange cycle of wanting to protect himself from hurt and from loss and from the survivor's guilt, but being driven by guilt towards painful and/or self-sacrificing actions. Which then makes him fear being seen as vulnerable or uncertain, and he struggles to do things on a smaller scale or in a more level-headed way, because he's not supposed to be leading like this, it's not something that comes naturally, and if he makes emotional connections by being a leader, he'll end up trapped in survivor's guilt yet again each time one of his employees or friends or lovers dies.

It's just a terrible cycle and he's trapped in it for the rest of his existence. Although if he really is the Face Of Boe, then I imagine at some point he eventually finds peace with it all or something, but I think so long as he has a human-form he's stuck with this cycle of leadership and loss and sacrifice and mistakes.

I think it's really important that Jack is not good at his job as a leader. He makes a ton of mistakes, he fucks up so much and his employees or even civilians end up collateral damage, whether physically or just emotionally. He wants to be a good leader, I think, and he's trying, but he's fallible, and he's a stranger in literally every sense, and I think a really big part of his character is that he constantly is forced to live in this bizarre dichotomy where he has to be both very distant and cold and detached, and also very emotional and intense and personal. And any other person would collapse under the stress of repeating that over and over and over again for decades, but he has to figure out how to navigate this weight as an infinite existence that can't ever collapse or let it burn him up and kill him.

[fatedroses]

Chance encounters in Costa del Sol.

[sideprince]

One way to tell someone doesn't really care about abuse victims and is just posturing when they claim to is that when you point out to them that you are one and they're doing things that hurt abuse victims more than help them, they ignore you completely and run away from the conversation instead of owning up to their mistake. They don't care if they hurt people, even, and maybe especially, the ones they've been directly rude and dismissive to. They're more interested in the sound of their own voice than who it hurts, even if it's someone they claim to speak for.

[aho-dapa]

This fandom is honestly...

Like, there is something to be said about fandoms in general and how they've changed as a whole generally but

There's also something about how the acotar fandom is especially toxic like

The idea that a post is surprised a murder hasn't happened yet and I found myself agreeing??? Is honestly telling

Like, also. A massive part of this is shipping and maybe it's because I have my corner of this fandom, but even then shipping the "wrong" thing in general has become something I honestly have to take in consideration when thinking of my mental health and if I can personally be prepared for any backlash??

This fandom at large doesn't feel safe and that's majorly concerning tbh

Maybe instead of saying shippers as a group are doing harm, we should just disavow harmful actions in general and not be complicit in it idk???

[salemontrial]

Guyssssss hahaaaa tik tok is getting into I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream hahaaaa and they are having tumblr level reading comprehensionnnnnnnn aha theyre treating it like a fandom and not a genuine chilling social commentary ahaaha i saw an AM chat.gpt hahaaaa

[bluevillainess]

There is SO MUCH I wanna say

but it's all so deeply personal and I don't know if I'll ever have the right words for it...

[giantkillerjack]

ur post about queerbaiting and the dismissal of people in fandom to critical analysis is so incredibly true thank you. i feel like marcille's writing in the anime has been super misogynistic a lot of the time and every time i bring this up all anyone wants to say is "well maybe this isn't for you! and you shouldn't watch the show!" like. i don't think this is about taste lmao, i am analyzing the text in front of me and coming to conclusions about the craft of it.

[This is in reference to this post]

YES!!! THANK YOU!!!!!

It is so so frustrating!!!!

It's like being at a restaurant and being served a bunch of delicious appetizers, but then one of the bread appetizers is literally just a plate of crumbs; and then when you're like, "Hey, uhh, why are we being served literal crumbs?", a bunch of the other folks eating at the restaurant are like,

"WELL HOW ABOUT YOU JUST DON'T EAT HERE THEN??!? YOU MUST NOT BE THAT HUNGRY, SO JUST FIND ANOTHER RESTAURANT AND DON'T EAT WITH US!!"

And maybe they say it politely, but "Aw, sorry, maybe this restaurant just isn't for you 💖" is just trading out an aggressive dismissive tone for a patronizing dismissive tone. It's the same message.

And it's like! I was honestly happy to move on from the crumbs once my complaint was acknowledged because the meal overall is still delicious, but then all these folks got SUPER WEIRD AND DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT, so now I find myself double-checking all the other dishes -- and, actually, you know what those eggs DO look a Iittle misogynistic undercooked!!!!

[jils-things]

last night i read nort.ons lore entirely and i feel. so sad for him :[[[ (it's really good)

but i think im gonna ignore the whole manor section and just focus on the post mine explosion.... and make him heal from there ueee

i love rewriting canon lore 💚

[lauraisakilljoy]

obx spoilers ahead!!

I'm so conflicted about the season 4 ending because on one hand I get it. life is unfair, it's unrealistic to give all of your characters happy endings, especially if said characters are constantly putting themselves in danger. it makes sense that not everyone survives four seasons of near-death experiences like being held hostage, getting shot at, almost drowning etc. on the other hand I can't help but be bitter that the person who had been abused/mistreated their entire life and who was clearly suffering was the one who had to die. at the hands of his biological father, may I add. I’ve seen some people say JJ was annoying this season and I get where they’re coming from, but all of his impulsive decisions and everything that happened at/after the town meeting just made me sad. he was struggling so much that he didn’t care what happened to him or if he lived or died. all he wanted was a future where he could live with his friends in their own little paradise without a care in the world. with the money from the crown and shoupe’s promise, it seemed like he was so close to happiness and inner peace, but they didn’t let him have that. so yeah, I get why they did this, but that doesn’t make it less upsetting.

[pics-pizza-peace]

Mark Hoffman (MLP!AU) pinboard

[voidfragments]

donghua qr was a mistake actually bc now i have to see people's opinions about him more than i did before

[attractthecrows]

Ilithra my beloved. Ilithra my darling my doll

[eevyerndracaneon]

the funniest thing abt rain world being so difficult is that actually. i get to decide what parts are difficult. *turns dev tools on*

[itstimeforstarwars]

My mother is so funny because every time she sees us watching a playthrough she's like "why are you wasting your time watching someone else play video games. Play your own video games" as if watching someone else play video games is not the pastime of half the people in this household.