#tbh i dont remember what for. it wasnt that serious just a couple day thing

[kalashtars]

I have never wanted to lay down on my back so badly in my life

[dykelibraries]

sup its me jack welcome to my vent palace heres my motherfucking sityaaation trigger warning for maybe everything under the sun this is genuinely gravely serious but ill try not to go in depth w anything.

yah tldr here my awesome backstory dads a pedophile i cut him off a few years ago he did some narsty stuff and my mom knew and didnt dooo anything. and she says she hates him now but my brother still visits him and im not allowed to say anything. my dad also severellllyyyy neglected me (he had sole custody for a whilee)

uhh my mom keeps making Choices in men. her last boyfriend tried to kill us and my mom had me lie to the cops about it. her current boyfie is a racist and has referred to meee and my brother and family with slurful wordage maybe a couple times. and he constantly threatens to kick us out if we ever say anything negative about him but then my mom gets on my ass about not liking him.

my mom straight up fakes my identity constantly soo she has control of my bank account and medical records and like. i dunno. everything that should be private. she comes in with me to doctors appointments and will lie to the doctors if she doesnt agree with a diagnosis. also she hid my social security card and birth certificate so thaaat suuuuucks

she refuses to let me learn how to drive, and. gestures. i have horrible chronic pain, i cant usually walk past my driveway in all honesty. soo i cant really GO anywhere.

uhh my mom kinda gaslit gatekeep girlboss Manipulated me out of reporting my dad when i had a chance to. and then kinda sorta told me i couldnt trust my therapist. who i havent seen in a while so idk. my mom also refuses to get my brother help with his eating disorder and kinda. encourages it a lot if im being honest.

uhh i recently figured out that i think my mom may have been posting child porn? of my brother and i growing up. which isnt superbly sick i dont think. idk maybe im being dramatic. i posted a couple comics on here about some stuff shes said/done in this context so i guess yall can decide if anyones even reading this.

i guess this is more petty teenage bullshit than a serious problem but shes really mean to me. and its not great i think. idk she does this thing where shell act like im an unstable and horrible person and i have been since like..i think three? is the number she usually uses. but she acts like im the devillll and shes calm and collected so Obviously im in the wrong. and shell say really mean things and act like i started an argument by standing wrong. like leaning on a wall or smth. i guess shes kinda mean at kinda. vulnerable times too. like i remembered. something my dad did. and she kept yelling at me for crying cuz it wasnt a big deal. sophie said it was a really big deal but i dunno. or another time when i had a really really bad ptsd episode at school and when i asked to go home early she made me stay Past the end of the school day bc she wanted to teach me i couldnt quit. or another time when i had a chronic pain flareup while at work and my boss straight up TOLD ME to go home (librarians arwe chill like that) and she came to my workplace and uhh. gestures. had me stay multiple hours past when my shift would end. while i was like. yk breaking down cuz of the pain. she was there the entire time and just refused to take me home or give me the painkillers she keeps in her purse for Her chronic pain. i dunno. shes really mean to me.

uhh she checks like. a decent. amoutn of my social media. she slipped up one time and told me. n shes had friends in the past tell her things behind my back so i get kinda nervous telling people anything tbh. and she listens in on verbal conversations.

this isnt her fault i guess but it makes things harder for sure. but i dont havee my high school diploma. long and complicated story i dont feel like telling. shrug. and i dont have literally. Any friends offline, nor family i can talk to outside of this house.

i dunno what to say after this bwomp. if you read all this heres a sticker ⭐

[rpfisfine]

(hi im back I got scared bc I worried I'd focused too much on myself in my last ask and the demons took over Help) idk why im shocked that there aren't any fics unique to wattpad I dont think the boyboy following is a wattpad bunch we're all old pretentious fucks (endearing). I rly hope they're cool with fics,,, i hope they Get It,,, that would be really sick. they've surprised me before, they can do it again!

you ARE being brave holy shit if I was in your position I think I'd shit myself to DEATH this tension is killing me but I agree your fics are so well written like they're rpf but more importantly they're really good??? truly moving?? literary even??? and i have hope that they'll appreciate that too

- 🌵

HIIIIIIIIIII noooooooo omg not at all!!! its just that ive genuinely sucked ass at answering asks in general since the dawn of time and in the past couple of weeks i have gotten more asks than ive ever received before in my entire life LOL plus my memory is shit so if i dont answer Immediately i forget ive even been sent anything in the first place and its just this whole thing but me not responding wasnt caused by anything you did in the slightest i LOVE getting asks from you!!!

god i literally know it makes complete sense but at the same time it surprised me as well maybe wattpad rly isnt what i remember it being anymore maybe it has fallen off in a pretty major way since 2014..... dude i literally cannot exaggerate how much i want that to be true LOL i rly rly rly hope they are too like i know logically they wouldnt be making the video if they werent but still...... tbh aleksa does strike me as someone who has legitimately written self insert fanfiction abt him & alex in the past so. i think there's some hope for us (joking obvs. unless..)

im gonna be real there hasnt been one moment in the past couple of days where i wasnt shitting and pissing and vomiting myself to death i literally wake up in cold sweat nowadays expecting my inbox to be flooded w anons being like DUDE THE VIDEO IS OUT FHFGNG.. like its BAD the tension is kiling me as well. ohhhhhmy god stop you guys are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo niceys to me i cant believe it..... god.....them apprer . them Complim , them ap- i cant even say it . is something i genuinely honestly cannot even begin to think abt like you guys r being so brave and normal abt this and r trying to comfort me constantly and i just feel like i havent made any mental progress at all since the day of the fateful discovery LOL like ever since i learned its not gonna be posted to their patreon w roughly 5000 subscibers like i hoped but instead to their yt channel with 800k+ subscibers i have been trying even Harder to gaslight myself into thinking my fics somehow wont make it into the video bc when i like sit down and make a serious attempt to entertain the possibility of 800k ppl potentially seeing my writing its just . Like my brain legitimately shuts down. i just cannot physically or mentally comprehend that number at all its not REAL!!!! to me!!!!!! get me out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sparklymilks]

nipped home earlier to put the ocado away while ana + ben got their boosters but ocado came so early that it was a wasted journey lol o well ... moving around is good

today’s miseryblogging (oh minor cw for mentions of historic, not current, self-harm)

im annoyed w/ myself bc i was really planning on using this few days to get back on top of work, but it was such a RELIEF to just not be battling constant terror that i just sort of sank into bed and didnt move unless absolutely necessary lol.

going home properly tomorrow and i wish i could say that i felt ready or rejuvenated or whatever but i just feel pure dread at the idea tbh and im embarrassed + ashamed of this bc like... imagine being ben rn like you literally throw up once (for non-contagious reasons) and your gf goes into a panic tailspin for like 3d and literally leaves the house and goes and stays elsewhere w/o saying one word to you LMFAO like... 🧍‍♂️ i think there might have been some improvement bc the last time he threw up in like, may 2016 (CRYING THAT I REMEMBER HTE DATES) i actually self-harmed so badly we had to go to the minor injuries unit LOOOOL (AND ANA’S DAD HAD TO DRIVE ME BC I COUDLNT BE IN A CAR W/ BEN. THE SHAME OF IT ALL??) like im laughing but genuinely like the amount of stress i must put him through for this is unfathomable to me bc ive never been in that position!!! anyway nothing of that nature happened this time at all and i do suspect if this month hadn’t left me flat on my back i might have been able to cope w/ it anyway bc i wasnt really recovered from the bludgeoning force of the OCD the past month (like he had a cold a month ago and we all know what happened then, and i dont think ive been able to get myself back on track enough in the interim to cope w/ this - my biggest trigger)

i asked him just now if it makes him want to leave me and he said no, not at all, and he loves me + isn’t going anywhere (and i mean we have been together for like, 9y at this point so none of this is a shock) but like - i can understand how this kind of shit would put a serious amount of weight on teh strongest couples and i do kinda live in fear of what is going to happen as we age? like what if he gets cancer? or like some kind of long-term illness? like genuinely what the fuck then?

i know that the answer is that i actually have to WORK ON IT, but it’s so god damn hard and awful lol

what would you guys do in my position bc i feel kind of at a lost end here - like as ive said before the OCD is the one diagnosis i have that really, really encompasses my experiences, but every single time ive reached out to the NHS they dont help, cant help, or wont help. and even if they wanted to help, it would be 12 sessions of CBT, after a year+ on a waiting list.

ben wants me to take the antidepressants again; i will, bc even tho i dont particularly believe in their efficacy, i have never felt bad on them either, so i think i may as well give them a go again. ben seems pretty convinced that i was a lot better on them but i think it’s just that whatever episode i was in was naturally time-limited bc it was based on real events (i.e. him getting ill - finite) and that coincided w/ going on the meds lol. but i dont begrudge him asking me this so whatever

my other plan is to get a private ocd specialist involved but its really hard to pick one bc none of them seem to do ERP (which i believe is the more up-to-date treatment for OCD) and there are no reviews for any of them, and i really fucking wish therapist reviews were a thing

[lnarizakis]

ranking haikyuu!! schools based on their school spirit

before you grill me with my rankings please know that i! love! all! of! these! schools! equally! i do not hate any particular school; i am simply ranking their school spirit. this is also lowkey crack because what everyone said made me laugh and honestly i came up with this idea for the laughs. so, like, don’t take this personally.

thanks everyone who helped participate by filling out the google form!! everything you’ve said i used in this. we will be going from last place to first place, so let’s start!! btw i ranked 11 schools into 10 places, so there are two 10th placers HAHAH anywayssss

10: ITACHIYAMA, NOHEBI

Alright, so let’s start with Itachiyama. I got one person who mentioned them in my last category, which was “any other school i didn’t mention? & why” and honestly we don’t know anything about them. But perhaps the mere fact that they were winners says something I guess?

❝ itachiyama bc the school are WINNER WINNERS i wanna see their hype ❞

❝ i’m sorry who ,,,, i deadass don’t know that team eye— are they from the last season ???? if so that’s why LMAOSNAKBS WAIT IS THIS GERMAPHOBES TEAM ??? THOSE NEON PISS PUKE LOOKING BOYS SOSNSJNSJDHS bro i’d drop tf out of that school if they gave me that ugly ass uniform OH MY GOD WHAT DOES THIER SCHOOL UNIFORM LOOK LIKE SKBAIABSJS BRO IMAGINE ❞ (about Nohebi but referring to Itachiyama)

Moving onto Nohebi: their tactics, as we’ve seen in the OVA, aren’t the most...... ethical. Though, they’re still supported by their cheering section so I guess it’s fine by their entire school?

❝ From what I recall, the schools pretty implicit in the teams techniques so at the very least they take pride or believe in the teams tactics enough to support them. ❞

❝ they be cheating >:( ❞

❝ nohebi scares me for no reason❞

Despite this, they’re still a team that shows solid support for one another.

❝ support all teams because all of them could trash me if it came down to it ❞

❝ they have fighting spirit alright but i just don't approve of their methods❞

❝ their stage play SLAPPED ❞

9: WAKUTANI

Okay, the team as a whole shows support for one another, especially their captain, Takeru. However, from what I recall, there’s not much... school spirit coming from their actual school. From Takeru’s family? Definitely, but they’re not the actual school.

❝ wasnt wakutani pretty good i don’t remembee ❞

❝ wakutani - a solid 8 ❞

❝ wakutani south because takeru’s family carried the cheer period ❞

8: JOHZENJI

Their whole team radiates spirit, but I don’t remember if they actually have a cheering section. Unlike Wakutani, where most of their spirit/support came directly from Takeru, each one of the members of the team had their own school spirit. Their school spirit isn’t that recognizable to be remembered by most people, though.

❝ a six cause i don’t really remember if their school was even there like ???? all i remember is baby teru and his fellow goofball second years that i absolutely adore, i am them. LMAO if i were to— fuck how do you spell realistic THERE SINSNSJ if i were to realistically join one of the haikyuu schools it would be johzenji cause i just vibe with those boys so much ksbsksj no brain cell squad ❞

❝ they ARE the spirit ❞

❝ not serious enough askdjsa ❞

❝ they appeared onc but even when they wanted to win, they just wanted to win to play around? there's that i guess ❞

❝ i don’t remember ❞

❝ I don’t remember much about them tbh ❞

❝ well... ❞

7: KARASUNO

Much apologies to the OG team. For one thing, their cheering squad, while I must admit is very impressive and loud, is not Karasuno High School itself. It’s literally coposed of a bunch of outside associations. And when their cheering section from the actual school does show up, they’re not even synchronized; they practiced for one day and called it “school spirit.” They showed up for one match and that was it.

❝ did you see them at the shiratorizawa match? they weren’t even synchronized ❞

❝ they mean to their vb team and they had a wack ass cheer team but character development ❞

❝ chaotic good but crows ❞

❝ mmmm we don't see too much of the school rlly apart from the vbc,, but what we do see is pretty supportive ❞

❝ LMAO remember during the first season when the school REUSED an old banner for the boys but not only was it a old banner but a banner for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT sport yea lmao that’s just fucked up jsjsj also i don’t really see that much school spirit like ???? no taste at all ❞

I guess their school spirit within the team, their fighting spirit, makes up for it. Again, my greatest apologies to Karasuno. You can do much better than that.

❝ The way the whole school came out to support the vbc before the shiratorizawa match,,, I love them so much!! Also Saeko coming in with a DRUM TEAM for the Inarizaki match,,, like they’re so so supportive and Karasuno’s not a rich school like Shiratorizawa, it doesn’t have a highly ranked band like Inarizaki but like the team itself they’re plucky and do the best they can with what they’ve got. ❞

❝ They have the most dedication to me ❞

❝ they're so supportive of each other and very chaotic, all of them ❞

❝ kageyama tobio could get some !! ❞

6: NEKOMA

Honestly, I had a hard time choosing whether to put Karasuno or Nekoma in sixth place. I went with Nekoma because of Kuroo’s “inspirational” pep talk, which really shows the bond between each of the members of the team, but they’re still ranked pretty low because I can’t get that one scene out of my head from the manga where it’s this one match (I won’t say which one) where students from Nekoma attend the match and a couple of them go, “Wow, this is my first volleyball match that I’ve been to!” Like, dude, seriously? Wow. They also take sixth since their cheering squad, also composed of students, is led by a Nekoma Junior High student. We love supportive sisters.

❝ stage play cheer stage play cheer stage play cheer stage play cheer ❞

❝ i just love nekoma ❞

❝ chaotic good but cats ❞

❝ kuroo tetsurou ❞

❝ deadass it’s 2 am and i have no idea what i’m doing but anyways 7/10 cause i like their stage song/cheer ya know NEKO NEKO NEKOMA like it’s cute ksjsjs besides that i have no idea LMAO ❞

❝ they're very subtle even tho they have chaotic moments, they're more focused on defense while playing ❞

❝ Some of them really care and some dont ❞

❝ they’re all so into it! Like, Akane with the megaphone, Alisa screaming Lev’s name, they’re all pretty devoted. ❞

5: FUKURŌDANI

I would have ranked them a little higher if it weren’t for other more spirited schools. The whole school knows how to hype up Bokuto, along with cheers of their own. The team itself knows each member so well that they’re able to adapt to whatever their ace is feeling.

❝ stage play was good but not as good as nekoma stage play ❞

❝ they have to hype up bokuto ❞

❝ CHAOTIC ENERGY + BOKUTO SUNSHINE BOY and i am bias + THEIR COLOURS + JERSEY OMG ❞

❝ owl boy & pretty setter ❞

❝ FUCK why can’t i think of any of the episodes where they show the student body like ??? school spirit is nonexistent in my eyes i can’t recall a thing— anywhore 9/10 for my owl babies because i believe bokuto hypes up the students ALOT and therefore they are more into ya know spirit woo ❞

❝ have u seen their dynamic? they're strong and so supportive of their ace, their captain, the family bokuto needed - i could go on but yes, i think u get the picture ❞

❝ They love Bokuto so much 🥺 they’re all v supportive of the team and it seems like they also know how to get him to perform better and Fukurodani’s a powerhouse so I feel like they get into it. ❞

4: AOBA JOHSAI

Their cheering squad is so synchronized and so well-performed. They know what they’re doing and when to do things. You can tell they’re devoted. School spirit within their team is pretty strong, and they have a good bond with each other.

❝ fangirls can do anything ❞

❝ oikawa kinnies ❞

❝ chaotic good but plants ❞

❝ i don’t know whether they have school spirit or they’re just fans of oikawa LMAOOO AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT KSBSKSJS like deadass it’s just his fan girls ya know what i’m saying ❞

❝ MANNN THEIR *CHEERS* I'M- ❞

❝ OAHAISOAOAHAHHA SEIJOHHHHHHH ❞

❝ i love them for the 3rd years but that's about it ❞

❝ From what I can recall there’s nothing super special about them? I do love how they say olé for all of Oikawa’s serves (but ppl do that for other schools, so) ❞

3: SHIRATORIZAWA

So much to say about them. From their entire cheering squad that consists of both cheerleaders and drummers, to the fact that when they feel like they’re being challenged with who can cheer louder they start singing their school anthem? Absolutely powerful.

❝ cheerleaders ❞

❝ i would not want to be in preppy school but i do love SHIIIRATORIZAWA ❞

❝ they are close like family uwu tho they seem to be SUPER STRESSED bc studies ❞

❝ 10/10 cause have you heard their cheer? god tier. that shit would distract me so much during a game like what’s the purpose of being so god damn loud and extra other than distracting the enemy ??? i rest my case ❞

❝ SHIIIIIRATORIZA (also ushiwaka has his own lil cheer so like yes i support) ❞

❝ i dont particularly like or dislike anyone from them and simple is best so ?? ❞

❝ The Shiratorizawa chant is so simple, so good,,, I think they were also the first team we saw with actual cheerleaders too! Nice big rich private school cheersquad money right? ❞

2: DATEKO

Need I say more?

1: INARIZAKI

There’s too much to say. They’re so extra it’s unbelievable. The entire cheering section knows how to adapt to each members’ likes and dislikes, and will call others out when they need to do so. For instance, when that one guy asked the two girls not to cheer while Atsumu is serving? Absolutely wild. And when they start booing or play a tempo to throw off the opponent whenever it’s the other team’s serve? Their practice and precision really shows. It’s crazy. And I’m pretty sure that they’re the only school that brings their entire orchestra to play during the matches.

❝ according to the wiki their marching band literally works to throw off the other team and if that’s not dedication idk what is ❞

❝ atsumu, shush me anytime ✨✨ ❞

❝ idk them asdas ❞

❝ deadass i’ve been on episode two of the latest season ( is it four or three?? i can’t fucking remember,,, 2 am is no brain cell hours ) for w e e k s because of second hand embarrassment. periodt. like hinata baby pls i’m begging. anyways suna is a god in my eyes, i deadass thought sakusa ( the germaphobe right?? ) was on the same team guess not i don’t know his uniform is ugly tho looking like a fucking germ himself ( THAT WAS GOLDEN SISJSJ IM PROUD OF MYSELF ), and lastly i have fallen in love with the man that is osamu, he can cook,... and he can do a whole lot of other things but my brain is malfunctioning so we’re gonna stop right there. #stanosamuforcleanskin ❞

❝ they have a fucking BAND ❞

❝ another chaotic team with their very own freak twins, i ranked them high because holy fuck that cheering band?? ❞

❝ Inarizaki’s cheer squad,,,, personally I lowkey hate them because deadass BOOING another player is tacky at best and kinda rude but my GOD do they put in the work. Cheerleaders, top ranked band, the timing and tempo thing? Insane. Oh, and the way they actually go silent for Atsumu like how the fuck did he pull that off?? ❞

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Thanks for reading! I’m glad you read this far. I hope this made you at least smile just a little bit because it definitely made me smile. And please don’t think that I don’t like any of the teams! I love each and every one of them; it’s just that some have more school spirit than others... anyways!

Whoever sent this, I just wanted to let you know that you made my entire day when I first read that. It was so unbelievably funny HAHAH

[gracedandelioninkmind]

Since it's pride month

For most of my time at school betweeb last september and febrary I had a crush on this girl. And you see Id been working through how feelings and sexuality work for me ever since the end of high school, because id been realizing that id never been actively interested in kissing or anything intimate with anyone. Id had plenty of what I call Sparks of Interests, where I just enjoyed looking at someone, talking to them, but more and in a different way than normally for friends. But all of those Interests were towards guys. I loved talling to my friends about guys and hypotheticals about them. I always envisioned myself in a man and woman couple and I loved that opposites pairing in every romance. But I wouldnt say that the ppssibility that I could be interested in girls hadnt crossed my mind. It didnt when I was little, and it didnt in middle school when I told girls that I didnt like boys, because they were stupid, and someoen asked if I was a lesbian. But in high school there was this awesome chick that transferred into our school. I woulsnt say I was overtly attracted to her, I certainly never had any fantasies about her, but I just thought she was so cool and I definitely wanted her to like me and to be friends eith her. Her twin brother was cool too. Oh oh and dont let me forget that one year I was apart of the schools journalism program and some of us were sitting around the classroom and I suddenly giggled at something I was reading, and this one nice tomboy girl was like omygod was that you that was the most adorable sound. I was so flustered, i will never forget that compliment.

But still i was straight. I fantasized about m/f relationships, not necessarily involving me because I cant often envision myself eith just anyone. I just think that romance is fascinating and enthralling and sometimes lots of things can be interesting.

And then I was reading a fanfic, and the girl was asexual, and Id been thinking about asexuality as an explanation for why I just didnt think i wanted to be sexual with anyone id ever met. But it didnt feel quite right because I know i mustve felt some attraction to some guys before, and definitely felt attraction to actors and such.

And then my friend gave me the term Gray Asexuality to research. Have you ever been putting together a puzzle and u put a piece in place, and it looks right and the picture doesnt seem to be wrong--but then you find another piece that looks so similar and you try it instead and it fits so much better, not loose or jammed. That was my feeling finding out that there was this complexity to sexuality and romance to explain why things just always feel so subtle for me. To explain why I can crave love but I really very often find that the very idea of kissing and sex is just awkward and weird to imagine for myself. It explained part of why my one week relationship fell through. Id had a crush on the guy since first meeting him at the start if the school year, and i had been so excited when he asked me out, and it was fun to hold hands and hug. But i hadnt wanted to kiss him, and it had bene so annoying when my friend told me i should kiss him, even just on the cheek. It just hadnt felt like there was a very big difference between my friendship with him and dating him.

So i got to thinking over all of my feelings towards all sorts of people. And if my sexuality and attraction was as rare and subdued as all that towards men, then I felt that maybe I hadnt wuite recognized any feelings id had towards girls.

And after discovering the asexual spectrum, i finally had some very interesting dreams, the likes of which id never had before turning 18 let me tell you. And they didnt only focus on men anymore.

And then i was in my second year at college, and i hadnt had many more dreams, and i hadnt found any real crushes my first year. But my second year i started working at the library, and one day this cute asian girl came through with a polite hello as she passed the front desk where i sat politely greeting everyone for my first week. I found myself memorizing her immediately. I would hope to catch her eye, catch a hello, a goodbye. I found myself glancing over to ehere she sat if she was in sight. And when she came to check out dvds i memorized her name immediately, all the more because id seen it on a study desk while doing rounds. See i hadnt knoem that if someone leaves something at their desk ee leave it alonenso id taken the open umbrella doem to the front desk and asked my coworkers and they said to put it back so i remembered the namr on the desk and returned it. So when i saw this cute girls name and recognized it from that desk, it almsot felt like fate. But that was silly. And i only thought she seemed nice and she was cute. That was all.

But then i was trying to capture her likeness on paper, ehich didnt go well those first few sketches because i hadnt gotten any good looks at her face. And after finding out her name I suddenly heard it cropping up elsewhere, and i was talking to my friends about her. My friends did not agree that i wasnt crushing. I insisted that i just wanted to get to know her was all. And then one day at lunch a new friend id made in class invited me to sit with her and her friends, and she mentioned an Eliza. Boy the anticipation, the excitement, the shy feelings, and the satisfaction when the very same girl sat with us.

Then that same friend invited me to a movie night at her dorm lounge with her friends, and when i asked who all would be there, anyone i know, she said maybe. I wondered to myself if She would be there. When i got into the dorm, lost and unfamiliar with the halls, waiting for my friend to come find me, I suddenly heard teo voices from upstairs. I knew one was my new friend, and with joy i recognized the other as Her. As it turned out She was the only other friend to join us. We 3 spent the night watching black panther and history of japan, getting to know each other, and I painted Her nails. It was different touching her hands then itd ever been with another girl. I found myself hoping for something. I hoped at least that she would like me as a person and wed be friends.

Every interaction after was a treasure for me. Moments we happened to be alone, when she offered to keep me company at lonely meals, when we had a big kdrama hangout and she did my hair, etc etc.

I had to acknowledge that it was crush of course. I told my closest friends about it.

And one day this crazy thing happened. I was sitting with Her and our friend and the two of us apart from Her were discussing dating apps and whatnot. And She asked why was i even concerned eith that stuff anyways. Id been thinking by then that she might be aspec because she never threw in her oen teo cents about interest in relationships whrn we discussed these things. I explained that i just wanted to try dating. I hadnt ever been on a real date.

While our friend was continuing with another topic, i heard Her say that She could take me on a date. My mind caught on it, but the topic had changed, and I felt that it couldnt have been serious. And so i gushed and whined about it to my friends. But the next day I brought it up as a joke with our group of friends, and she acknowledged that shed said it. Our friends supported it, because why not. Theres such a thing as a friendly joke date. I kind of messed it up i think though because when it was jsut us parting ways after brunch, she said she was going downtown, and i said That couldve been our date. And she agreed and invited me along. I wish id been dressed cuter. But it was fine, and it was a nice enough date, though i dont think she had any experience or interedt in how dates usually worked--it wasnt a serious date anyways, so i wouldnt get my hopes up. I wouldnt be invested. But wr passed a friend of hers, another cute girl maybe smaller than me, and She told her that we were on a date. That felt significant.

The next day i brought up that wed gone on the date to my group of friends, with Her sitting next to me. And she became so awkward, and after my friends congratulated us, she told me It wasnt a real date. On the outside i played it off casually saying Listen do you know how excited friends get about dates let me have this. On the inside i was so disappointed and heartbroken and a bit defensively angry with her. I announced to the table that she wasnt to make sure everyone knew it wasnt a real date. What i was really saying was hey friends she just crushed my heart.

But we were still friends. And after a while i got okay again. She hadnt even noticed anything had gone wrong.

At some point I told that first mutual friend about my crush on Her. Id been withholding eho my crush was on from her for a while and she hadnt even guessed Her. But when I told her she said everything made sense.

And then she set us up for a valentines day date. I couldnt believe it. She jsut randomly messaged me Would u want Her to be ur valentines date. And i was like Id appreciate any date tbh but yeah id like to go on a date with Her. And apparently She just agreed. I couldnt tell you why she did any of the things she did. But i can tell you that thru some conversations it became clear that my hypothesis was likely accurate. She didnt understand dates, she didnt see the difference beteren friend date and real date. This was just this nice outing with a friend. Part of me was okay with that, because i did simply enjoy Her. But another part of me felt unfulfilled and sad. But we had a nice date anyways. I learned even mroe about her and she made me this oittle clay blueberry because i would sometimes just pick out a blueberry at the dining hall and admire its beauty. It was a very nice date and i got to dress up cute for someone. I didnt let myself hope for much.

And then i was talking to more of our mutual friends about crushing on Her, and someone told me that shed asked Her out before and that her response had been something along the lines of not being interested like that. We all agreed that She likely just doesnt have any interest in romance or whatnot.

And so i began burying it away. My mourning period passed. She graduated, and its all over. My first ever crush on a non-man. It had been nice.

Btw her ringtone in my phone was Mindy Gledhill's I Do Adore.

[clarespace]

oh god, i just saw the official mv and my heart is screaming. it’s also 2am and im gonna gush about pete and ae with quick and dirty gifs, so watch out: 

ugh, i love these scenes so much. wait, i love every scene, but these first ones are so important. ae is presented as the typical confused guy but get this, he’s so soft and expressive with his feelings, and he’s. not. ashamed. of. it. quite a contrast with pete, whose been internalising his shame. the wonderful thing with ae is that he’s so honest and direct. he says what he feels and thinks. more importantly, his actions coincide with what he says. often, that just doesnt happen in bl stories. the guy feels something for another guy? he goes out with girls and avoids the guy, etc. not ae. the boy just dives right in after a few moments of self-reflection. what an awesome dude. 

and pete. our sweet, shy pete is saying, while looking into ae’s eyes, that he’s liked ae from the beginning. how cute is that? but more than cute, there’s the impression that he’s reached the point where he feels really safe and secure with ae that he can openly say this. wasnt it only a few episodes ago where he was still worried about bothering ae, and ae has done so many things to affirm pete’s trust in him that they’ve reached this point. which episode this will be, who knows, but they get here, hopefully with as little fuss as possible. 

look. at. THAT. that’s one of the cutest things i’ve ever seen and it just screams ‘couple in love’. i gotta say, the body direction in this drama has been SPOT ON by the director and the actors. they’re horribly in love and it should SHOW. they should have their own couple language, their sweet gestures. see how tender ae is, and how content pete looks, especially with the way he closes his eyes when he finally rests his head on ae’s shoulder. just...the way their bodies are positioned is so so so good. boys sit like that! and the way they are subtly turned towards each other shows openness and interest...hear me heave my biggest, happiest sigh. 

idk what happens in this moment except i want more of it. study date? sleep over? moving in together?? okay, the last one is too soon but i have a weakness when my otp spend time sleeping with each other and doing their nightly routines and just living life in love. also, ae, dont be extra. pete is really cute when he’s asleep but that’s no reason to look at him as if he’s literally doing cartwheels and you’re so proud of him...ugh, fine, i take it back. look at him with love ALL THE TIME.

ok it’s so hilarious to me that pete was smiling his dumb ‘ai ae’ smile and then the next frame he’s all serious as ae pushes him down slowly on the bed. also. fooling around in broad daylight? i approve because it’s so ridiculous when dramas only seem to portray that sex happens at night, in the dark. definitely not. also, they could just be cuddling here and i wont object to that either. ae just really dives into this whole thing, huh? 

once again, no context except that ae is so happy and pleased to see pete. get you a man who looks at pete the way ae does. look at the fondness in those eyes. he’s so expressive, i love it. kudos to the actor for his portrayal! also, pete looks...hesitant? surprised? that ae is waving at him? and like he’s leaving in a hurry? hmmmm also i love a guy in a football kit so much

wow guys, just show off your love, huh? like i said, one of my favourite things is watching a couple actually be a couple. what they do, how they act, their own gestures, their rituals and it looks like ae and pete are the kind of ridiculously soft, touchy feely, sweet af couple who love to spend as much time as possible...and that happens to be my all time weakness, my ultimate goal. it’s like, pete is either making a joke or telling him something funny and ae gives that little huff and everything is smothering me with joy. 

i am surprised, though, by the implication that they spend a lot of nights sleeping together. it’s something i dont come across often in asian dramas. western, yes, when they’re dating and spend days and nights in their own world, and this is what i see happening with ae and pete. it’s modern and new and accurate. or am i just surprised because in kdramas they dont even hold hands and they flinch whenever they look each other in the eye? maybe. 

they’re so freaking DOMESTIC and i am so here for that shit. who sleeps on what side of the bed? who wakes up first? do they sleep all cuddled up?(remembering ae sleeping on top of pete, that’s a big YES) who makes breakfast? who fixes the bed? I NEED TO KNOW

hands down my favourite moment. not only is it a great shot, it’s just so...normal. they’re just ordinary boys with an extraordinary love that they’re not afraid to show. look at that body language. the familiarity, the softness, the smoothness of the action. is this the end where they’ve fully accepted each other? told each other all of their stories? cleared away the misunderstandings and are now just basking in the joy of being together?

also, it’s quite telling that ae is being presented as the top. now, i do have my own preferences for top and bottom but i dont really care who does it, tbh, and it doesnt matter. you could have your own headcanons about it and that’s fine as long as you’re not being toxic. i’ve seen so many people refuse to read/watch something if this or that person is placed in a specific role. on that note, i like how they’re showing that the one who’s physically larger isn’t the top, as is the case most of the time. they’re going there. 

there are a few more moments but now it’s 3:30am as i type this, my eyelids are getting heavy (even though my heart is still going kyaa kyaa) and im gonna end this with the two biggest things that the drama is going right with pete and ae: 

1. you dont have to be a jerk and use tricks to make someone fall in love/pay attention to you. 

2. being soft and in love is nothing to be ashamed of. 

i hope that there wont be the usual misunderstandings with the girl, or unnecessary, or break ups. i’ve noticed some people say that pete and ae dont have a complex story and therefore their love isnt complex or strong, and i’d just like to correct that assumption. just because a love story isnt full of angst and bloodshed doesnt make it a lesser love, just like a love story full of hardship and pain makes it somehow more worthy. there is nothing romantic about pain or break ups or messy love triangles. yes, these things happen because the characters are idiots and make such choices that lead to these things, but ae and pete seem to make choices that are good and healthy for them and there is nothing wrong with that. there is nothing wrong with falling in love, getting that person, and living a happy life. it’s so rare to get this sweet, soft gem of a love story between two sweet, soft boys. let’s enjoy it and not wish them to break up or go through silly misunderstandings. if that happens, then it happens logically and not just to throw unnecessary angst in there. 

happiness is not boring. we’ve (or at least, i have) been waiting for so long for a main couple who gets that smooth-sailing love while the secondary ones go through all the mess and have that role model of good, healthy relationships as the focus. again, not saying they should be in a perfect, conflict free relationship but the meddling third parties? the miscommunication? nothing in their personalities makes those things possible long-term, tbh. ae would just be blunt about it and tell the truth. pete would probably agonise a little bit and then ask. if you find dark, angsty love stories as your thing, good for you, but dont wish for that to happen just for the sake of it. 

please let them be happy. look at these adorable children! they should only know happiness and cuddles and sweet kisses.

come talk to me about ae and pete! i am so down with talking about them!

(seeing as there are several volumes of the novel, it would seem that pete and ae do go through some stuff but they remain steadfast and true, as much as i can gather. just no avoidable bullshit, please.)

(also 4am. if you read all of this word regurgitation, thank you and im sorry lmao)

[captainderyn]

Em and Rish-- gotta keep my streak going

Thanks for the ask @spectrum270 @delavairesslegacy asked for them too so here you guys go :) the original otp! (I'm sorry i can't do a cut, I'm on mobile now!)

How did they they meet?

Emeldir and Corso wrestled the Phoenix back from Skavak and Em walked aboard to find Risha standing at the holoterminal, arms crossed demanding to know who the hell he was. He stopped dead, Corso ran into him, it's all a good time.

Who developed romantic feelings first?

Emeldir fell hard and fast for Risha, being entirely honest he was smitten within their first few weeks of working together. But she took a lot longer to warm up to him as she kept expecting him to turn out like every other smuggler she knew.

Who is their biggest “shipper?”

I mean tbh I think Corso is the only one on their crew who isnt actively exasperated by them being flirtatious and unabashedly in love in a sarcastic, bickering way so maybe him. Rielay likes to tease Emeldir affectionately about Risha but that's about it.

When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances?

Not however the game does it. Its after Emeldir is back to work after being put out for a week or three due to an injury sustained in an escalated conflict on Port Nowhere. Risha contemplated her thoughts while on forced leave, came back to talk to Em about them and one thing led to another and then they were kissing on the bridge with hyperspace whirling around them and--you get the point.

Who confessed their feelings first?

Emeldir did...and Risha brushed him off. So he gave her space. He's kind of the opposite of the male smuggler flirting in game. Then she came back to him after Nowhere with her feelings.

What was their first official date?

They were celebrating after a job well done, not sure what planter or when yet, and Emeldir invited her to join him for dinner somewhere less boisterous than where the rest of the crew was going. Then they got back to the ship before the others and ended up on the bridge, looking at the stars above them from the ground and talking, kissing, ect.

How do they feel about double dates/group dates?

They're fine with them, enjoy them even from time to time.

What do they do in their down time?

They tag team doing repairs and upgrades on the Phoenix and actually enjoy working on it together. On a rare day they dont mind just laying in bed together several hours past when they should be up and about. They like going out into whatever city they're docked in.

What was the first meeting of parents as an official couple like?

Chirdan and Adrianna Deryn LOVE Risha and the first meeting is actually really enjoyable and not awkward in the slightest; it was a nice dinner at Em's parents place and it was just an good time. Em meeting Nok Drayen...wellll we know that didnt go as well. Nok told Risha to kill Em if I remember correctly which makes things a LITTLE awkward.

What was their first fight over and how did they get past it?

Risha felt like Emeldir kept trying to make things serious between them (when he wasnt intending to) and that he wasnt getting the point that they probably weren't going to last and Emeldir got frustrated and angry in a hurt way. They ended up being rather distant and snappy with each other for a day before they couldn't take it and met each other halfway to actually sort out why they were getting pissy with each other.

Which one is more easily made jealous?

I think Risha is the one easier made jealous but just because she hates the way some the people they come across openly flirt with Em without any consideration that he might be taken.

What is their favourite thing to get to eat?

Depends on where they are. They like to try local foods but tbh Risha loves it when Em is able to stock the galley and makes homemade food, especially Coruscanti dishes.

Who’s the cuddly one? What their favourite cuddling position?

Em is. He loves it when they're just side by side on the couch or whatever doing their own thing but their shoulders are touching. Or if they're in bed he likes being the big spoon.

Are they hand holders?

Not really...not unless it's a quick squeeze to let the other know that they are right beside them.

How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time? What’s the circumstances?

Not as long as some of my other pairings but it wasnt early in their relationship. Circumstance? The tension between them just got to be too much and they acted on it, practically daring each other to make a move. I think Risha initiated it.

Who tops?

They're both flips. They'll go either way. Depends on the mood.

Who does the shopping and the cooking?

I think they tend to shop together because two people are faster than one but Emeldir does a lot of the cooking because he's better at it and enjoys it more.

Which one is more organized and prone to tidiness?

They're both pretty organized tbh.

Who proposes?

Technically Emeldir..indirectly. kind of in opposition to Rindeld. But officially with the Durbillion throne its Risha who proposes.

Do they have joined Bachelor/Bacheloette parties or separate?

Together. Their crew takes them out to celebrate and it's a great time. They're both smiling the entire night.

Who is the best man/maid of honour? Any other groomsmen or bridesmaids?

Hm...not really, Rie might be somewhere in there i just dont know where. It's a royal wedding, not really a private one. Their private one is words spoken only between them and such.

Big Ceremony or Small?

Their official wedding is a royal one on Dubrillion sonuys a big affair.

Do they have a honeymoon? If so, where?  

Not really, I think they jump right into working on Durbillion. Either that or they go out somewhere secluded for a day or two on Dubrillion

Do they have children? How many?  

Yes, eventually they do, I think one for now, and i think they have a son. Currently unnamed. Currently know nothing about him just that I have a guy feeling for him.

[thotvengers]

In these two days i decided to watch 4 Marvel movies I didnt remember that well from the others so I can refresh my mind, only Marvel movies I remember well are 2016+ (Except for Dr Strange IDC about that one)

So first I saw Avengers 2012 because I havent seen it in 6 years and for me that movie felt to me like if I havent seen it but know what happens in the movie so I saw it and like now I fucking know why 2012 stans were like that... now I know why I avoided yall in 2012.... that movie literally is just a fanfic but I really liked it, makes me wish how simple that time was, the dynamics were nice tbh I wish Tony would of stayed like that instead of the mess they created in Civil War. Bruce's outfit is my fave here yes queen and idk why everyone hated Thor's look his hair looked cute it was wavy. But funny movie, alot of nostalgia and that Steve outfit LMAO I got a headache staring at it

Then afterwards coincedently they JUST started airing Age Of Utlron..... so I saw it all in one sitting. Ive seen Age Of Utlron before but like in different occasions and different scenes so. But this movie... is fucking funny. Every cringy quip or joke made me laugh my ass off like its so stupid. Serious moments I probably wasnt supposed to be laughing at I laughed my whole ass off at, thank god this movie is an actual joke because laughing at it was fun, only thing that made me want to stop watching is that brucenat bs they were trying. Those scenes got funny when Bruce rejected Nat lmao, Joss Whedon tried to make it look like Bruce didnt want to get with Nat because of safety but it just ended up looking like he didnt want her at all and thats fucking funny. Its so awkward and onesided and cringy god

Then I saw one of my fave Marvel movies, The Winter Soldier, I fucking adore the living shit out of this movie, I havent seen it since 2016 so I felt it needed a rewatch and oh boy I love it more this time. Its just so iconic like damn.... And that Steve and Bucky fight scene up on the hellicarrier??? Fuck the Titanic, this is the most emotional fucking romance scene ever and idc if it isnt considered romantic, that scene was homorotic at best and Steve saying he'd literally die for him right there holy fuck Buckys face! That long ass stare oh my god.... well aside that I remember in 6th grade watching this movie and claiming Sam as my fave LMAO

Last one was Guardians Of The Galaxy, I saw the middle part to ending like a couple weeks ago but I dont remember too much about the beginning to jail scene so I watched for fun. Good movie, favorite shot ever in Marvel movies in the one with Quill slow mo grabbing the stone, god thats beautiful. But good movie

[envy-catwalk]

Ok but like, Im gonna be serious for .2 seconds

When I bought Yakuza 0 during mid June I was like eh whatever fuck it its on sale. But during June, I was in a restrictive episode and I was on the verge of a mental health relapse. I spent almost the entirety of my summer break in my room crying and it got to the point where I couldn’t even leave my house to walk my dog. I was starting to feel suicidal again and I was going to attempt suicide until I tore open the packaging an realized that the blade i was planning to use was too shitty to do any serious damage. 

I honestly felt like everything Id worked so hard for was pointless. Because like, whats the point in suffering every single fucking day. Things don’t get better. And I’m not even a real person anyways. When i wasnt crying or slamming doors onto my limbs or digging pins into my skin, I was spending all day on fph and punishing myself for eating and forcing myself to obsess over every single calorie I was putting into my body. I started doing old self destructive behaviors and doing bad things I hadnt done in a long time. And I was just like. Yeah man fuck it. Im going to fucking kill myself I dont care.

Some time in between all of this I mustve picked up my ps4 controller and started playing Yakuza 0. No idea when tbh because I didnt play it for weeks until after Id bought it. I think my reasoning was “maybe if i play video games all day Ill forget how hungry i am”. And I wasnt expecting anything from the game, and the first couple of chapters that were basically only tutorials really bored me.

But then as I progressed into the story, the exposition showed that the characters were traumatized. Makoto is a victim of human trafficking, for christs sake. And yknow what? Seeing all these characters that have been through such fucked up, messed up things in their life? I really needed that message during that time. Fuck, that wasnt even too long ago and I honestly cant remember anything I did or that happened during those past few months. But I know that I wouldnt have been able to get out of that if I hadnt played that game and if the story hadnt hit me so hard.

It’s like.. It’s one of the reasons why SU is so important to me. I admire Steven and what he embodies so so much. He’s the kind of person I want to be like, and he inspires me to keep moving forward so that I can become that person. The same applies for Kiryu. He’s been through so much fucked up fucking bullshit, and he’s still such a kind, good person that doesn’t give up. It really gave me hope. And not that bullshit <<weh weh, it gets better>> kind of garbage, but like tangible hope and proof that its possible to overcome trauma and still live a good life and be happy and be a good person.

And playing Yakuza 0 all day helped steer me away from all the horrible, self destructive behavior Id been partaking it and gave me something productive (well something *I* felt was productive) to do with my time. And like the game made me so happy. And I really needed that after spending weeks of nothing but crying and restricting and self harms and attempts to retraumatize myself. If I hadnt been able to pull out of that before the school semester would have started, I would currently be failing all my exams, and thatd only push me further into a mental health relapse.

So thank u Kiryu and your gorgeous bara tiddies for making my shitty garbage life brighter

[unproduciblesmackdown]

on FUCKING kissing. and other shit

i’m still just. as bowled over as i knew i’d be about getting to have the triumphant nice gay kiss of resolution. like, i dont think i’ve seen that in any movies ive watched. not that many of them like, have a gay mc in the first place. usually you maybe have a couple peripheral side cast gays w a lil subplot and they get to say “i love you” or something. idk. or for some reason whats up with dramas where like, the initial Gay Encounter w kissing is often also a sexual encounter which is fine but the point is its like “oh, wow drama” right. and then the bit where they maybe manage to actually come together is like, too solemn for kissing? its also fine to have other moments of physical intimacy besides kissing, thats fantastic tbh. and i can’t say “wow what a trend in Major Releases W Gay Love Stories At The Core” because there’s not enough fuckin data for any real trends. but anyways maybe the ol Finally They Kiss thing is more seen as a like, ~romance genre~ thing rather than serious movies. idk. anyways getting sidetracked

my point is i think thats the first movie Gay Kiss Of Resolution that i can remember seeing. and it gets me, man. it hits me hard. i’m like. electric. not just because its like “wow this is a new one for me” obvs but because i’m gay and i like things that are very gay and very sweet and cute and that was all of that. so much in that film was ferociously endearing. like, thank god for gay love getting to be charming and nice and lighthearted and even exuberant. yeah babye

and for the past couple months ive been thinking on twitter threads about ppl who were Gay Teens Coming Out years and years ago who went to see the film w a parent or other sort of relation and it prompted a discussion where the parent is like. when you came out, was it bad? was i very bad about it? and they said how the answer was well, kinda, yeah. and getting to have this whole talk about a decade or so after the fact, because the movie shows such earnest support, and the recognition of the failing of anything less than the fullest kind of support.

like honestly i liked a lot that like, the issue wasn’t that simon was particularly worried about rejection, or some terrible kind of abuse or violence like gay kids who had to keep it a secret because their parents might even have pulled shit like kicking out a gay kid, like implying they’d even kill them if they’re gay. and he wasn’t exactly worried about like, hate crimes or anything either. because its not like the Awful kind of homophobic reaction isnt a concern anymore, but it isnt to everyone, and it wasnt always to everyone. its not even accurate to say that noncishet people prior to like the late 20th century always were rejected, always were closeted, always were miserable. there’s all kinds of stories and it’s nice to hear all kinds of them. like, the Gay Tragedy was as we know the only way to get a gay story of any kind past the rigid catholic moral guide for Film back in the day, and not so shocking that thats the kind of gay story that tends to be most palatable to the heterosexuals. and they have, what, like atonement and shit or something? and yet also i’m not saying that tragic gay stories should be off limits, or dramas, or anything. just that of course movies are limited to Bury Your Gays, Kill The Trans Kid, Show The Tragedy Of Not Being Cishet Coz That’s What’s Gritty And Real And I’m Okay With Them If They Die. we deserve every genre and plot structure. it would improve all of them.

anyhow like i was sort of getting to. i really appreciate how simon like, isn’t ashamed of being gay, isn’t in denial about it, isn’t afraid of his parents or friends or community finding out, doesnt feel particularly endangered re the idea, but still feels like he can’t. i really liked the bit where he upsets his sister cuz he’s so fuckin stressed about having just been outed and his privacy invaded in front of his whole damn school but he’s like super conflicted about like, why would i be upset at being out, why would i be ashamed just because i didnt come out before, etc etc. and i liked that he felt his coming out to his parents went badly just b/c it was a bit awkward. because the small issues are just as big a deal, people wanna act like the defining part of being gay is a certain level of agony. and so you get ppl questioning if love, simon is “necessary,” like a gay protag has to be justified for the technical benefits it might afford, like if its not about suicide or self loathing or ostracization or violence or being disowned or etc etc, its not REALLY about being gay, and it can’t possibly help gay kids because its just unrealistic. because even if you have worse problems, seeing an overall happy gay love story where he gets the guy and has all the support of family and friends and community put out there will just be meaningless to you. and obviously its just as pointless to argue that this is the be all and end all of gay films, like we only needing ONE gay romcomdrom type film, we only need ONE gay y.a. movie, this is THE gay film for those categories now people, it’s over. like jesus we’re owed so many. give us the nondystopian y.a. movies back, and make em gay!!! GAY

anyways what is the point? i like that it was shown its difficult to come out even if you only expect “small” bad issues, because even having to have the smallest fear that the people in your life will think less of you, or love you less, or see you as any bit of a disappointment or flawed, is really fucked up and difficult. like i said, it was way too real when simon was just a bit uncomfortable when his dad made just a bit uncomfortable gay jokes. i like that he felt fucked up over being outed even though he wasn’t necessarily ashamed of being gay. and i mean i know part of it was that he was afraid that the other guy was gonna get scared off since that was being exposed too, but i liked that element also, because of the tension between the joy of getting to like...Be Gay with a guy you like and enjoy it, but also know that the whole thing is tenuous and uncertain and you’re both a bit afraid and the whole thing might crumble at any moment because it’s not easy to take “privately being gay” into it being everyones business and public knowledge. because even the little shit you have to deal with is a concern, and even in the most “it’s probably totally okay” situations, you don’t KNOW that its okay, because homophobia is still the default even amongst like. the libs who think they’re totally not homophobic.

and plus yknow the whole thinking you’ll be treated different thing. like coming out is going to HAVE to be some Big Deal and you’ll have to be imposing something on everyone who knows you when really you’re just being the fuck yourself. and the idea that suddenly everyone’s gonna be uncomfortable with you or think you’re someone else or just look at you different because they were cool with you when they thought you were straight. and anyways

also i seriously forget the dude’s real name but i love that it was the first guy simon thought might be blue. damn i know they said it like fifty times in that one scene lol...but anyways yknow i’m like “hmm walking in on him maybe messing around with a girl could just be Gay Crisis shit yknow” and it was and thats kinda fun lol. like, i’ve read some fics in my day!! that is not a nail in the coffin!!

anyways what i want to say is getting a sweet triumphant gay kiss scene is just. so fucking beautiful for the soul. i’m fuckin reveling in it. now that ive been writing about it for half an hour i should go ahead and try to get my rewatch in, right. yeah

[travellers-survivor-old-west]

Episode 4: “Just gotta try to wiggle myself in some where”- Austin

I kinda wish our tribe would lose just so I could see where the lines are tbh. Also I have a bad feeling that at a swap/merge our tribe is gonna be picked off because we’re going in with the most numbers and on a base level that’s dangerous; however, I do think it could be deeper than that because of the preconceived relationships and I’m looking forward to seeing who goes home tonight and where we go from here.

This round was a little wild for me. Austin has been my fave since the beginning and we finally created an alliance. We both liked eve so that was easy but we wanted one more person. This is where things got a little complicated. Him and eve both liked isaac but honestly i wasnt feeling isaac and love pat. But i didnt want to push too hard so we just went ahead with isaac. 

BUT we also talked to pat and will have ANOTHER alliance with him (so austin, pat and me). SO basically im working with everyone right now except keaton. Im glad our tribe has been killing it because that means no TC wooo 

We tribe swapped so that is fun. It's always interesting to have a switch up. I have still yet to be screwed by a tribe swap in my entire history of playing ORGs which is something I am happy with. This is one of the best iterations of a tribe I can think of actually. I can forge a closer bond with Xander and Dylan, because now if we lose I won't need to vote one of them out, they become my core 3. So, right after the swap I made an OG Malakoff chat with myself, Xander, and Dylan. I just wanted the immediacy to show that I was serious in wanting to stick to that, which I am. I have communicated several times that I want to work with Isaac, so ideally Austin will go in the event that we lose. I feel bad because he is a sweetheart, but he doesn't fit into my strategy, and if anyone understands game being game, he does.

I love my new tribe??? Not only is nick still here so that gives me a safety net, the sammy I like is here. Pat is here. No idea who eve is but that’s okay too. I’m loving this. Inb4 I get voted out next Bc they actually really fucking hate me :^). Byebye payton it was nice kinda knowing you? Hello ~hopefully~ friends <3

I forgot Austin has a date with Mary Jane daily so Im gonna have to cut him some slack.

Tribe swap....just what I didn't want to happen . I dont ha e my #1 ashley with me but at least I got issac here. Jared is on my tribe now too so that could go either way for me because he knows how I play the game. Gonna have to pull something out if my ass here .

This is for Alyssa you dumb ugly fat white bitch why you keep asking me for a confessional with trifling dirty white racist ass big fat bitch x Anyways. Made an alliance with Pat and Sammy! V excited to work with them but we’re snapping in immunity so, I don’t see why we would need to vote off Vi.... I mean someone at tribal! Hehe

Well....we got our last handed to us. I'm not happy going to tribal bc I feel I'll be the one going. I talk with jared and issac the most but I feel jared will stick with xander and dylan. Just gotta try to wiggle myself in some where.

I have been busy the past couple of days so this challenge being a endurance/speed comp was a struggle. And it looks like my team didn't do much. To help... It's fine we can get out one of these other two dead weights. Speaking of them. Im glad the swap merged me with two allies but the other two just suck to talk to... And that's coming from me .. Jess knows what I'm talking about. Anyways I don't want them here and want them gone. As for my allies. I like Jared a lot we are getting along and enjoying ourselves. He's definitely the one I trust most in this game and hopefully it gets me to merge where I can start phase 2 and hopefully get far. Dylan is fine .. he's offline a lot but he's from old tribe so like it helps. 

Just finished the challenge, OH MY GOD i suck at trivia but thankfully sammy snapped and we won, thank u sammy love u so much!!! Still dont believe he is straight tho x IM JOKING PLS DONT KILL MEDFHNSJFDH

I hate confessions. That’s my confession for the round... jkjk. Eh there isn’t much to talk about now that it’s tribal time. I hope whoever from our og tribe stays safe but I forgot who is there so oops. Sammy killed it. I still call bs on the centipede question but oh well. It wouldn’t have changed the result. It would have just made the gap close by 1. 

LOVE MY NEW TRIBE. So happy we swapped. I’m with actual love of my life ASHLEY!!! And Chloe is amazing too. Aidan popped off in the challenge. Keaton is Keaton. This is a good group and I’m glad they did rlly well in the challenge. I love this kind of thing but I wasn’t able to constantly be on my phone all weekend bc that’s rude :( so I’m glad it worked out. Hoping the tribe swap works out in our favor and Xander jared and Dylan stay together for the vote. Idk if Isaac and jared are friends??? I hope Isaac leaves because he knows I’m a ‘threat’ in games and because I think Ashley yelled at him once. Idk who Austin is but Ashley likes him. But idk how likely that is if Isaac and jared have a connection. As long as jared stays safe ifgaf who leaves.

Yowza. We got absolutely wrecked in the challlenge. I don't WANT to lose any challenges, but I believe in the long run I should be happy to take this L. As another way to show my loyalty, I decided to give my idol progress in the chat with Xander and Dylan. I noticed Dylan never reciprocated so that gives me 1 reason to be wary. Then, Dylan posted a very inappropriate joke in the tribe chat in reference to Survivor Thailand, and the word "rape" was used, so that was the 2nd thing to make me uneasy. At first, Dylan and Xander had no opinion on who to vote, so I voiced that I would like to vote Austin- then Dylan remembered who Isaac is and said "he can go." I eventually got things back on track to target Austin, but Dylan better be careful- it's 3 strikes and you're out with me. I have a good relationship with Isaac so I wouldn't be surprised to see Dylan go if we lose again.

Day 9 on the survivor tribe. My thoughts are about toes and only toes. They are consuming my entire day. I exist merely to think of toes. 

Also Chloe...

Okay so I’m just gonna throw down some of my thoughts right now since I’ve been very quiet in confessionals. I fucking hate these small ass fucking tribes. It makes the thought of going to tribal terrifying because your odds of going home are increased. Since the swap ive actually really been enjoying my time, I really like my new tribe and I feel I can actually connect with these people better than on my first tribe. I am glad to actually have Aidan with me because he’s like THE person I want to work with from my og tribe, along with Vi. I still have my reservations on Nick even though I think he’s nice I can’t trust him as far as I could throw him. I really feel that the trivia challenge brought us closer together as a tribe since what’s a better bonding experience than yelling at Jess that she’s wrong 50 times in one day. I think we’re all collectively quite strong and I really hope that means we can slide past for a while without going to tribal. 

Honestly i always forget what i confess from last time but i still think I’m in a good position in the game. However I really do not want to go to tribal because I don’t want to show my cards. Eve and Pat both want me to work with them so we have an alliance and then Vi and Nick approached me and want to work with me as well. This was completely surprising to me bc I felt as if I would just be an easy vote out if we were to go to tribal since I’m a lone wolf. However I’m in the middle and I feel somewhat powerful knowing that people want to keep me and want to work with me. Me and nick have had a rocky relationship in past games but i think he’s a great person. He’s just a wildcard. I love vi and i think she’s the sweetest person to have ever existed but my gut is telling me to work with pat and Eve atleast for the first vote. Hopefully I don’t have to make the decision but who knows. That’s all I have for now other than I think the idol system isn’t anything I keep getting zapped. I feel like a fly in a southern home...ZAP.

I couldn’t remember the day so I put 69. I hate this tribe with my whole heart and my whole bussy. Jared is the only one giving me any sort of shot at making it passed this round. Austin is a slime ball who will do anything to save his own skin, Xander is dead apparently, and Dylan has been tracking down places where famous people died. I feel like this is my own personal hell and while I’ve been assured that Austin is going home (which I wouldn’t be surprised was a lie) I still have to make a swap or a merge and with the clowns on this tribe being inactive and never talking about anything but Star Wars or not talking at all I don’t know how possible it is to win a goddamn challenge. 

*insert Da'vonne pretends to be shoocked gif at a swap* Since it didn't happen at 16 I wasn't surprised too see it at 15 but I'm glad because three tribes provides for much more buffer. My initial reaction to my tribe was positive as I saw that I had Chloe and three new people in the mix. I'm not gonna lie that I was getting bored on my old tribe but I do hope that Nick is doing alright. He's one ally that I'd love to connect with again... Vi is alright too but I don't know how strong of a connection we fostered. First impressions of my new tribemates: Keaton - I heard he was fucking with my friend in another game so my guard was up but I tried and he seems aloof and random with his contributions but it makes sense since he's playing 4 games at once. Will probably work off of the others who contribute in challenges? We'll see. Ashley - Sweet and seems like a hard worker. Not too much of a read on her yet Owen - He seems nice and genuine but not much of a read from a game perspective yet. It seems the split is 2-2-1 on my tribe from previous tribes but I don't know how strict to tribal lines people are going to play but I can feel some aloofness with Keaton and Ashley is traveling so... that's that on that. If we were going to tribal I have no idea what the fuck would happen but I want to strengthen connections. Honestly I think we can make it to the merge without hitting an elimination but who knows. THANKFULLLLLLLY my ass had a lucky night on the railroads and jumped to spot number fifty and apparently found a STEAL A VOTE. This is what I DESERVE. Thank you Old West Gods for blessing me, the star, with this iconic power. I'm glad I have it in my back pocket and I'm not telling a fucking soul. If it needs to be used, it will be flaunted and I will pop shit. Hopefully I can save it for after merge but if I need to control a pre-merge vote just to get my way, I'm going to do it. 

https://soundcloud.com/user-327042896/dylan-ep-2

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me. 

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me. 

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol 

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated. 

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me. 

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different. 

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah! 

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying! 

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!! 

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up! 

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here! 

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it. 

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess. 

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left.   So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean. 

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!! 

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can. 

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah. 

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times. 

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family.  --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me! 

A totally random post! 

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c: 

[skiasurveys]

Talk about...

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. - I cant remember that well since I was a little kid.. ( The lion king), um but I remember being so into it and I loved animals and it kind of started me wanting to draw. But i cant remember the first time i watched it. 

2: Talk about your first kiss.  We were really awkward, I liked him..but not enough, and so we went driving around, got starbucks, and then found this bench and we were talking/flirting, and then he just kissed me. But it was nasty asf, it was so gross. his spit was all over me, blehh. I hated it. I remember being like if this is kissing i do not want it. It wasnt tell i kissed another person that i was like Oh thats what its supposed to be like..

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for. He is my current boyfriend. We met on Okcupid in 2015 right after i had finished high school. It was like September. its funny because i wasnt rly serious on that site but then I started to talk to him and we hit it off really well.. we dated for  a week then broke up LMAOOO. But then in April 2016 we started to talk again and in May we dated. so its been a year so far, and i am really in love with him. He and I click very well, he’s  7 years older than me. we play video games together but sometimes i watch him play by himself cus its fun that way too. He likes anime tho and i hate it lol. hes very funny and he can be super sweet and romantic and sometimes hes jusr a fkn nerd. idk what else to say before i start going on forever about it.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.  Meeting the dude who assaulted me. we were just friends and i had a bad feeling about him but i shoved it off. and then he attacked and assaulted me. I wish i went with that gut feeling. Thank god hes gone.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.  My best birthday was either my 18th or 19th. My 20th was boring. But my 18th I got a wii U and i got drunk too, and i had fun. but yeah, like idk the best prob was when i was a child and had lotsa friends and cake.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.  My 16th because my dad was dying.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.  My biggest insecurity is my body shape.weight. I just hate it because I feel fucking ugly and fat and I really am not, but idk i just want to be skinny and tiny.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of. I am proud that i graduated and got my license, since I was struggling to graduate which was like 2 years ago but i was going through a lot.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my eyes, and I do like that i have small hands and feet. ( its easy to find shoes). But I also like my legs and that I have a bigger butt. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.  theres been a few. But i think with my ex friend who just said she hated me and it was random asf, but she ghosted on me after and so it wasnt really a fight. another one i had was when i started to date my current BF and he wasnt being the best and I was like maybe i should drop him so i tried too and then we fought and then we actually were adults and explained the situation and we sorted it all out. since then we have been so good. like we know how eachother works. Lol fuck.

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had. I cant think of one.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. i had a nightmare where this creepy ass creature was crawling up my walls and turned its head all around and had lifeless eyes and creepy sharp jagged teeth, and it was just terrifying. but then my mom killed it.. wtf

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The first time i had sex I was super nervous. ( It was with my current bf), and we tried and then i started to cry because I was nervous and also from my trauma, and then he was like okay thats fine. Then later that night he asked if we wanted to try again so I said sure. and so we started to make out and then before i knew it was actually inside me and I was like wtf that wasnt bad, and it felt really good. It wasnt overly romantic like they make in movies but it was super good and he was slow and good with me. ever since then i crave dick every minute LMAOOO.

14: Talk about a vacation.  I went to disneyland with my mom the year i was graduating high school. It was so much fun, I felt so safe and happy . I cant really explain what i felt just felt like everything was gonna be OK and the rides were just so awesome and the food was great lol

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.  It was when I was starting to date Connor again and we were hanging out and I was like wow, my life is going perfect right now and I felt so happy.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to. I never go to parties but the one i went to was at my boyfriends friends house and I just started to drink rum n coke and it was really good and made lots of friends but there wasnt that many people there but i felt really happy.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.  I cant think of anyone lol

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.   i got bullied alot for stupid shit.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.  I was in foods class and I was with my friend Jenna, Brittney, Shae and Julia. There was orientation for the kids from elementary that night, and so we asked if we could stay extra and make the cookies and so we were allowed. Then Julia and Shae left to use the washroom. Jenna and I had finished up and were heading to our other class, and as we walked in there was a alarm for a lock down and we were like holy shit. There was somekid with a knife walking around. they calmed him down, but it was really creepy. But our friend brittney was by herself in the foods room and she was crying and i felt so bad omg rip brittney

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.  I had math class one afternoon and the class before me apparently this girl had a seizure. But i didnt know, so when we walked in the classroom I was like wtf why are the desks all pushed around and so i thought they did some activity, but it turns out this girl had a seizure, and my friend told me about it and how it was super traumatizing our teacher even got bit. it was really weird..

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.  He is my friend still but he really liked me and he asked me out and I had to tell him No and i said that i wasnt looking for a relationship but it was super awkward but hes cool.

22: Talk about your worst fear.  choking.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. I really liked this one guy and we went on a first date and then he asked if  i wanted to chill the next week and so i said sure. But then that day he had texted me and said he was busy and that i couldnt come over and so I was like Oh ok, cool. and then he told me to make sure i wasnt looking for anything serious, and then so i never saw him again after the first date. But he was really boring so thank god i didn’t. and its funny cus a few months after he had some gf and i think he is still with her cus i would see them at the mall all the time. but yeah im glad it didnt work out!

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. One night ( this is cheesy ) It was like 4 am and Connor was watching TV and I was scrolling through tumblr lookin at funny memes/posts and he just turned and looked at me and said “Jen, youre my best friend” and it just made my night. It was super sweet and i felt great. 

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.  ho ho ho okay, so we were friends since grade 9 summer/beg of grade 10. we were close asf, we liked the same shit, we thought the same. she was great. she was the first best friend i ever had rly. so a couple times through out our friendship she would kind of vanisha nd not talk but it was her depression and it was annoying asf. anyways.. after grade 12 grad  (this is like oct 2015), i tried to message her but it wouldnt let me! so i soon realized she blocked me on everything. i texted her thanks for that and then feb 2016 we became friends again, then may 2016 she ghosted on me but she finally sent message saying how she hated me etc and really too this day it hurts but i still dont know what actually fucking happened.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.  if im really sick  i just sleep and watch youtube videos. or ill have a bath.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.  i really love my boyfriends arms. theyre so big and strong. mmmm.

28: Talk about your fetishes.  i dont rly have a fetish tbh.

29: Talk about what turns you on.  i like when my bf dominates me, but not too hardcore. I like neck kissing, facial hair, deep voices, motivation. I like being tackled like play fighting and i like when he touches my thighs etc. mm

30: Talk about what turns you off.  being an asshole, racist/sexiest, if youre super smelly. if youre really tall and skinny.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.  i dont know. its probably weird asf.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.  i remember this place called Moonwalkers and it was this crazyass jungle gym we had and it was the best shit ever.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.  i draw, listen to music, have a bath..etc

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. getting hit by a car.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.  i wish i would stop comparing myself to every fucking person i see.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.  some anime. 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. i thought i loved wade, but i really was just liking the idea of someone. this was in high school. lol it was really weird and i didnt like it.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. it depeds on the song and the person. pink floyd reminds me ofmy ex friend. Anime/kpop songs remind me of Kyra and super lovely songs and omam remind me of connor

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.  not everyone you lose is a loss.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school and teenage years was really weird. i remember feeling so out of place and not sure what t do with myself.

[deliriumxtrigger]

This is my most recent ex, before josh.

+ name: Xavier

+ age: 21.

+ location: Reading, PA

+ hair color: Black.

+ eye color: Brown.

+ glasses/braces: no&no.

+ freckles: No.

+ skin problems: Yes.

+ tanned or pale: Tan.

+ best physical quality: chest/abs.

+ worst physical quality: Probably just his acne tbh.

+ best personality trait: Amazing sense of humor.

+ worst personality trait: Could be cold, unfeeling at times.

+ family members: Mom, 2 sisters, dad in jail.

+ style: Sporty for the most part.

+ type of music: Hood rap, spanish, linkin park 

+ parents names: Dont even remember.

meeting each other

+ where did you meet him: Gym.

+ how old were you: 23.

+ how old was he: 20.

+ how long again did you meet: About 2 years ago now.

+ who did you meet him through: My best friend at the time Ricky.

+ was it at school: Nope.

+ if yes, were you in the same classes: N/A

+ was it love at first sight: Hah, no I wasnt really interested at first.

+ what were your first thoughts: Who are you and why are you so interested in me.

+ did you think he was boyfriend material: He had the potential to be but he was in an out of way too many relationships because he didnt want to change.

+ was he single: Yup.

getting together

+ could you tell he liked you: Oh yes.

+ did you flirt: HAHAH Omg of course.

+ did you talk a lot: Yes.

+ were you good friends before: No.

+ did you see each other every day: Almost.

+ did you hang out a lot: Yes.

+ who was the first person to share their feelings: Him.

+ who asked who out: Him.

early stages

+ how far into the relationship did you kiss: After the first couple dates.

+ hold hands: Like the first date lol.

+ make out: After that night we kissed the next time we met up we made out

+ who put more effort into the relationship: He did.

first date

+ where did you go: Grocery shopping and food LOL bodybuilding things.

+ when was it: Back in Jan of 16 I think.

+ was it a group date: Nope.

+ was it fun: Yes.

+ did you kiss or anything there: Nope. Completely G rated.

+ did he pay: Yes.

+ was it a good date: Yup.

+ rate it out of 10: 10 :]

random stuff

+ what did you guys argue about: Dumb things and some more serious things we could never get past 

+ did they use a pickup line when they asked you out: Nope not that I remember.

+ what did your friends think of him: They all thought he was awesome really cool and good guy.

+ what did your family think of him: Thought he was very sweet. my mom was the only one who met him.

+ did he ever meet your parents: Just my momma.

+ what kind of stuff did you guys do together: Gym, food, we traveled to Ohio together for a fitexpo too that was an awesome experience minus his bitching lol.

+ did any of your friend hate him: nope.

+ why: they didnt.

+ did you ever have sex: yes.

+ if yes, how did you feel about it: it was really good. he definitely wasnt the best I ever had but he was stil very good and intimate which I like.

+ if no, were you planning on it: we did the thing lol.

+ what was the longest you had gone without seeing each other: a week.

firsts together

+ thing shared: food, i gave him a piece of my protein cookie 

+ thing he bought for you: food LMAO.

+ kiss: on my fron porch.

+ secret: i told him i did steroids.

+ lie: i dont even know tbh. not sure if i ever lied to him.

+ inside joke: we had SO MANY. i cant even remember any of them now.

+ all night talk session: Christmas EVE :)

+ talk on the phone: I dont remember the date but it was right after we started dating.

+ time you said i love you: never got that far.

your friends and him

+ were they friends with him too: yes.

+ do they know him well: not anymore than i did.

+ did they like him: yes.

+ did they approve of the relationship: Yes.

+ were they jealous: no.

+ did you go on group dates with them: yes.

+ did they get along: yesss.

the love part

+ did you love him: no.

+ did he love you: not that i know of.

+ did he ever say he did: nope.

+ what did he do to prove he did: he didnt really we fought way too much we were both prideful.

+ did you ever think he was the one: yea i did actually.

+ did you put him before friends: not really. but i didnt really have to.

+ what about before family: didnt have to.

+ did you not love him at all: no.

+ did you tell him you loved him and not meant it: no.

fights & stuff

+ have you been through anything tough together (other than breaking up): eh, not particularly like not anything a normal coupe doesnt go through.

+ what was it: n/a

+ did you work things out: yes and then no.

+ were you happy that you did: yes.

+ have they seen you cry: yes.

+ have you seen him cry: yes.

+ did you make him cry: no i dont think so.

+ has he made you cry: yes.

+ what did you do to fix your relationship problems: tried to talk but it ended up not working.

breaking up

+ who broke up with who: it was mutual.

+ what was said: we had been fighting for days and i said to him if we cant get through this we need to break up..he fought me for a while but finally gave in.

+ did anyone cry: i did a little, i dont know if he did.

+ what was the reason: he didnt want to grow and I didnt want to deal with him. + did you do it in person: no we broke up over text but talked face to face after the fact.

+ if yes, was it alone or in front of people: alone.

+ if no, how did you do it: through text it was mutual

+ were you happy to do it: no i definitely was not happy i really did care about X.

+ was it hard to do: yes and no. i knew it was right.

right now

+ are you still friends: we are on good terms, yes.

+ is he going out with someone right now: dont think so.

+ does he still like you: who knows.

+ do you still like him: no.

+ are you shy around him: nahh.

+ do you still flirt: nope.

+ would you take him back: nope.

+ is there anything you would change: nope.

+ will you always love him: i will always care for him yes. he was my first actual relationship I gave a shot 2 years later after alex that took a lot and he was special.