#tbf this topic was very much my choice

[defectivegembrain]

To give you a snapshot of what im doing for uni, earlier I was just sitting with the OED entries open for corpse, carcass and carrion. Having a genuinely great time with it.

[courtmartialme]

friend i know it's Riza time but you typed out the words "alpha Olivier" and now i think i hauve covid... anyway do you think Riza's annoyed about being an omega for the most part or does she enjoy it?

ALPHA OLIVIER... ofc it's the obvious choice, and my preferred one since i want her doing things to riza <3 but tbf if i cared more about the politics of it i would make her beta or maybe even omega because someone with her personality and who got to achieve this much power be a non alpha would be something fun to explore i think!! but i only care about riza's harem so i leave it up to someone else........!

and yes riza hates being an omega :] when she had her first heat she barely knew anything about it because it's a taboo topic she wouldn't hear much about at school, and of course berthold never bothered to talk to her about it so it was a scary experience for her. it's very frustrating for riza who was always independent to be an omega, struggling with an outdated idea that omega are submissive and built to serve... as someone who already has issues with bodily autonomy it is really frustrating. so she starts taking suppressants when she joins the military and presents as a beta for years. very few people know shes actually an omega...! of course suppressants aren't perfect and prone to failing if you abuse them ... ! riza has a strong shame complex about it and a lot to unlearn emotionally physically sexually etc because she's insanely repressed _(:3 」∠)_

[imaginespazzi]

Bestie bestie bestie!

Hello :) Where to even begin after so much time.. I guess first I'll note that my last anon to you is starred below just so we can follow the thread of last convo somewhat (and honestly just wanted to ensure you knew I at one point wrote in over you hiatuses)..

Ok on to more new stuff: Biggest news is Im off to the wifeys motherland (ironic a bit as I believe shes currently playing in my fatherland). I'll report back on food a day drink 😋 ca va?

Yay Liberty, they did it! 🗽Plenty of kudos to the Lynx as well. Was a great series all around. Even if my nerves barely withstood those overtimes & dramatic endings.

Coaching movement in the W continues to make my head spin. OMG the Thibaults are gone, didnt see that coming tbh! I remain seated for all the hirings/happenings to come. And cant believe we're almost to the lottery selection w still so much upheaval in place 🤯

Hope all is well w you despite lifes busyness. Take care

** Hi hi hi bestie! Yes that anon was me ha. I realized after sending that I left of my emoji signature, but was pretty sure youd connect things, given some hyper specific topics ha. Hope life is treating you alright apart from just being busy!

Im personally just relieved that the Libs managed to even things up last night, while still trying to process the 2nd half & OT of game 1 lol. That one was all just absolutely bonkers. Crazy entertaining, even if it hurt my NY supporting heart at the time.

When it comes to the coaching moves, def in agreement that Indy doesnt deserve good things. What do you make of who the Valks named HC? Seems a good hire to me at a quick glance, but Im also leery of anyone who might be involved w the Aces lawsuit ordeal (tbf Im not super well informed on that, but dont believe Ive ever seen her referenced w that stuff). Yeah objectively I dont feel that a (random) late winning run/playoff push, external circumstances w the standings aside, was worth dropping your odds of getting #1/Paige from like 30 to 10 %. Still struggle to understand why they ended up trying to fight the path that established itself early on. Granted kind of unexpected and extreme circumstances, but still, lemons to lemonade if you will. Im not feeling eager for the draw next month..

Honestly it will be interesting now to see/follow any Liz activity while she hits the offseason as college ball starts up soon. Curious to see if any crumbs or reactions come up at all. W those two seeming to be at an avoidance phase, another college wbb couple needs to step up and provide us w some (non toxic) drama to follow over the season ha! Not you tho Pazzi, you stay lovely/wholesome/stable/healthy

One additional GH note - I obvi live for snark, so wanted to share my fav lines from Ch 10

“Won’t somebody please think about the complications” Jana in full menace mode and so funny. "I mean other than the woman you married as well that is" The fact that Azzi will not ever say her name I just love. I also have this idea that Stephie, when older and knows pretty much everything re her parents history, will continue the she who shall not be named thing in support of her mama. (And Im not entirely discounting the possibility of a bit of real time drama w Olivia that wont help w this whole Azzi grudge).

Wishing you a good start to the week!! -☕️ **

Hi hi lovely I missed you <3

Ah babes that must have gotten lost in my sea of asks because I've been so bad about answering them. It's funny how much has change since whenever you sent that thought because the W has become a revolving door of coaching changes.

I really like the Valks HC choice. She's been very effective with the LVAces and I expect that to continue. Same with the recent news we go today of Tyler Marsh with the Sky. I think LVAces coaching staff in general is so strong and them branching off is good for the league and both the Valks and the Sky with these coaches and a little bit of time for player development should eventually be really good. Ultimately the lawsuit is a front office issue and I don't think these two had much to do with it and so until I see issues in their new respective teams, I don't think we can hold it against them.

LIBERTYYYYYYY. So happy for them and of course props to the Lynx. And honestly thank you to both teams for giving us what I think, despite that one foul, is the greatest W finals we've ever had.

THE THIBAULTS ARE GONE. You were one of the first people I thought of when I saw that news. Honestly I have no idea what to think. I really didn't see it coming and as much as I've done a lot of nepo baby this nepo baby that, I don't necessarily know if this is the right choice but I'll wait to see who they appoint as the head coach to really figure out my thoughts.

Lottery in 2 weeks?? What the actual hell? Like y'all we're likely gonna know where Paige is going before we even see Azzi on the court and that's insane to me.

OOOOH I have some CWBB drama if anyone wants it. Did y'all peep Last-Tear's Poa's shady insta caption she deleted? Her and Sam'yah Smith were a thing and streets are saying maybe she cheated?

Pazzi are being wholesome as always. "Silly girl" - what if I jump off a cliff :)

[tathrin]

3, 19 and 28 for the fic writer asks!

Questions taken from this ask game.

3. how you feel about your current WIP

Oh my stars I'm freaking obsessed with it, I love it so much. I have deliberately pushed everything else to the back-burner or further in order to keep focused on it, and I've never been able to (or interested in) maintaining that level of focus for so long before.

It's extremely difficult (and genuinely exhausting) to write in a lot of ways, in part because it requires a very specific Tone that can be hard to maintain, but mostly because even I've never tried to juggle THAT MANY details before, but it's also so damn much fun.

I have to constantly resist the urge to just post everything I have at once immediately because I so desperately want to share it all right away, but I know that with the amount of logistical STUFF going on in this story, I absolutely need to leave myself a buffer for adjusting things—so I can't. But it's very very tempting!

19. the most interesting topic you’ve researched for a fic

Okay I honestly can't come up with one that sticks out particularly (I've been writing for a long time, you kind of get inured to the idea of looking-up weird stuff lol) but the results of said searches that amuse me the most are the time that google-ads started showing me nothing but ads for a dragon-dildos website as a result of whatever I had been researching at the time for like three weeks...

Said research, btw? might have involved googling dragons once or twice, but definitely have nothing to do with sex toys. Or sex at all, actually. So that was quite the leap to make.

Also, I learned that there was at least one website that specialized EXCLUSIVELY in dragon-themed dildos (which in the early 2000s was more surprising than it would be today, tbf).

28. your least favorite part of the writing process

Hmm honestly probably coming up with the titles tbh! It's sooooo hard, because you can't just slap any title on a story, right? It has to FEEL RIGHT. Sometimes (on extremely rare occasion) a perfect title or chapter title will just pop into my head—but more often than not, this part of the writing-process involves grumbling around for a long time trying to scrape something half-decent out of the ether.

Also waiting to see what people think of the results but that's more a part of the post-writing process shh.

Thank you for asking! Those were very fun choices.

[gossipgirloff1]

On the Lily Z thing. Tbf, there’s plenty of Jewish people who are anti zionist with relatives that are very much zionists. I remember my professor in college as an example. His dad was raised in a zionist household but was able to unlearn it when he was sent to college. He married and built his family, So my professor and his sisters grew up antizionist. But their larger family (their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) are zionists. I remember my professor said that Zionism breaks jewish families apart. They dont have a strong relationship with the rest of their family because they have been “shunned.” Sometimes they’d interact but never in a meaningful way. Always through third parties or just very formal/civil way. All because my prof’s dad questioned the zionists ideas he grew up learning in hebrew school.

Anyways, my family is from Iran and we moved to New York when I was a baby. We join protests for Palestine regularly and there’s plenty of Jewish people with us. I even met an Orthodox Jew who walked literal MILES on Saturday to join the protest. He walked for hours to join the protest and not break Shabbat. Brought No snacks. No water. Just himself. Orthodox Jews in New York especially have been a proud and staunch ally of Free Palestine even before Oct 7.

I dont know Lily Z personally. I dont know this Andy Zneimer guy. I dont know how they are related or affiliated with each other. I dont know these people who have the same last name as her. I dont know their level of relationship. We dont know. But I do know we do not get to choose the families we were born in. I know we dont choose those who share the same last name as ours. I did not choose my uncle is a r*pist. Or that my grandpa is misogynistic and supports the oppression of Muslim women. But it’s my choice to think with my own mind and make judgments based on what I think is right. And I hope that when people learn of my family members’ beliefs/actions, that they’d give me the benefit of the doubt and not just assume I share the same thoughts as them.

We all have family members we dont agree with. Let’s give her that benefit of the doubt. Not judging until I see her personally agreeing or more concrete evidence of her position in this matter.

You are so right on this topic anon our family’s opinions don’t represent our opinions ❤️

I grew up with parents and great parents who weren’t believe LGBTQ+ people existed and they believed that those people had a psychological problems

But me and my sister are complete opposite and we got in arguments(not violently but gently with explaining) with our parents and grandparents about this most of time now my parent’s view have changed and it’s good I’m happy that they are not like my grandparents and they listened to us

This topic anon is talking about is so sensitive like the topic I was talking about and we should educate people about it rather than acting violently towards people I believe that if we act gently towards this people maybe some of them are not like my grandparents and they understand and change their view (I’m not talking about people who act violently I’m talking about the people who just like lily’s relative likes and comments this stuff on social media)

[booksandabeer]

People I Want To Know Better tag game

Tagged by the wonderful @voylitscope! Thank you so much, I love getting the chance to ramble on about stuff! 💙💙💙

Book you’re currently reading:

Still making my way through the MCU book and I think I'll have to make a separate post once I finish it. Because I have Thoughts! Many of them. Quick version: There are some structural/editorial choices that I find questionable, the authors clearly have their darlings among the Marvel personnel—in front of and behind the camera—and at times you can really tell that certain topics are only very lightly touched upon for what can pretty obviously only be legal reasons. There are also some wild disparities when it comes to the level of detail of the information presented: In one chapter they will throw an almost overwhelming amount of names, dates, and numbers around, really getting into the minutiae of the behind-the-scenes financing and licensing deals (which, tbf, is also the part that I find least compelling to begin with), and then in the next chapter they will explain to you who Tony Stark is like you're an eight-year-old and/or have been living under a rock. Still, I wouldn't call this a bad book. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last song you listened to:

Maybe Sparrow by Neko Case

Currently watching:

Loki. And like a fool, I'm hoping that they don't fuck it all up in the finale today. Also just started Slow Horses. And I have been doing a rewatch of Nolan's The Dark Knight Trilogy, and while it's overall still solid-to-great, some parts (especially in the first movie) have really not aged well. Like, yikes. 😬

Fic you’re currently reading:

Till there were no more wolves in the West by dharmashark. I'm only two chapters in, but so far, it's even better than I hoped it would be!

Next on your to watch list:

Fellow Travelers!!!

Current obsession:

SteveandBuckySteveandBuckySteveandBu...always. Also, I'm currently on a mission to find a non-acoholic beer that doesn't taste like someone dissolved something metallic in soda water and then carried it past a hop cone "for flavor". If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know!

Tagging oh-so very gently: @tessabennet, @carladuquette, @burninblood, and @maplefiasco (sorry if any of you were already tagged) and also PLEASE, anybody else who wants to do this!

[deweyduck]

Hello I'm so sorry this took 5 days I'm officially the world's worst secret santa 😭 to make up for it pls end your response with an info dump on a topic of ur choice <3

Anyway I adore your cat!!! So cute ❤❤❤

To be honest I think I would have chosen the opposite to you for all 3 tgw bonus track questions 🙈 but tbf I love them all, honestly tgw is already one of my fav albums of all time (unfortunately this means im also disagreeing with you on the album question ahaha) ysuft is definitely the superior song tho. Tbh idk about the closers I think I prefer history of man as a song but it's hard to choose as a closer, I think I'd still pick history of man though it very much feels like a contemplative epilogue to the story 🤔 there it goes still wouldve been the closer to end all closers tho I said what I said 💁‍♀️ as for the EPs, honestly I can't choose 😅 the first half of iybbiyf are 3 of my fav maisie songs but I find the second half relatively meh (no maisie songs are meh, just compared to her other songs lol) whereas dtnfaj is pretty solidly good the whole way through but there's no stand out favs for me 🤔 so 🤷‍♀️ they can be tied

I feel like I talked way too much there im sorry anyway today's question have you seen maisie live? If yes how many times, did any songs make you emotional, which song(s) was/were the best to hear live? If no which songs do you most want to hear live, would you rather see her on her own tour or at a festival and would you go with someone or on your own?

Bye for now don't forget to infodump about whatever (if you want to ofc) happy Mid December vibesss <3

- MPNSS 🎅🎄��

no go off!!!

i loved the good witch but ysuft has such a special place in my heart it would be very hard for maisie to beat it for me. there genuinely isn't a single song on it that i don't LOVE.

the first 3 iybbiyf songs are 3 of my faves too!! taste!!!

i saw maisie live when she toured australia in march! i was so scared i'd have to go to an ed sh**ran concert just to see her since she was opening for him but thankfully she did her own shows too i'm sorry maisie i just don't like his music at all it all sounds the same

i got most emotional when she played brooklyn bc i was there with my sister who is my best friend so i was all 🥺 she didn't really know that much about maisie she just went bc i asked her to but still it made me v emo. also when she played john hughes movie bc it's my favourite maisie song and the little bit of glowing review during the medley

i've never been to a festival before but unless it was all acts that i like i think i'd prefer solo shows. and i'm all for doing things on your own but something like a concert is too scary for me to go to by myself 😭 maybe if it was daytime and 5 minutes from my house isuhdcuishfuihf

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Someone gift me baby karasu with a bow that’s the only thing I’ll ever reply with when people ask me what I want LMAOO

I def wanna see them pro but something about seeing the pro would also feel bittersweet to me somehow?? Idk like now that they’re pro we KNOW it’s over but errrr idk I don’t have a better solution HAHA im ngl I was into kuroko no basket for awhile but it was way after it ended and I almost died with how the fandom was kinda inactive and lack of content im just glad that since BLLK is ongoing now it won’t be as barren lolol

I would tell you to search it up but you’re gonna wanna burn your eyes after…I only heard of it via booktok (Idek how I landed there because I don’t rlly read that much now either nor do I interact or follow any book accs? Thank god I’m out now I wonder if maybe some ppl just went viral) but oh my god why would you think of writing such a thing??? I honestly don’t have an issue with dark content either since I think it allows more exploration of deeper topics sometimes but idek the door and pillow thing wasn’t even dark topic it’s just..??? ???????? ????? I don’t know what to say but you’re on the dot with weird smut

Im hopeful that s2 will def get things going again!!! Like pls fill up Ao3 too like why’s there nothing there.

You’re so right….a very good choice on your end LMAO he def doesn’t fit the arranged marriage trope as well and his canon ninja background was the perfect set up for this!!!

OOOO IM EXCITED LMAOAOA can’t wait to see tabieitaken hollyhock au style…

OOOOOO WAIT THATS SO COOL?!?! On my toes waiting for the next installment o7 (also for whatever reason I think it’s so funny when people go [redacted] I laughed so hard maybe my humors broken)

Oops I meant the cursed child trope in the sense that everyone (or those around them) believe in it LMAOAO I think it’s more interesting when people around them buy into that myth and make their life hard as opposed to just flat out actual misfortune whoopsie

KARASU APPEARANCE no because I was thinking too like…is Mira gonna add Karasu…or are we omitting for the sake of keeping karasu a main lead type of thing…LMAO can’t wait though!!!

-Karasu anon

BABY KARASU W A BOW all i want for christmas is HIM!! he’s just a princess fr i love him sm

watching a fandom slowly die after the source material ends is the WORST at least the anime/epinagi are much further behind from the main manga so it’ll be a while before it’s over!! some series do stay generally popular even afterwards so hopefully bllk is one of those 👆🏻

HELP I JUST LOOKED UP THE PILLOW ONE WTF 😭 that’s not even dark that’s just bizarre…where are these people getting their ideas from 😔

i feel like jjk also blew up heavily with season 2 coming out (although tbf it was already hugely popular) so i think (hope) bllk will be the same!! obv not to the same extent as jjk because whatever is going on there is like unprecedented levels of popularity but for sure i do think more people will get into it now that more characters will be there and there’ll be more content

YES like otoya being a lord or highborn just doesn’t have the right ring to it!! he’s too unserious i could not see him being dignified or dutiful esp not in an arranged marriage scenario where he doesn’t even care abt his wife that much. karasu or yukimiya 100% (more so yuki but karasu could make it work i think). ninjas tended to be lowborn/peasants too so it’ll be interesting to juxtapose him and y/n + show him interacting with a lot of the characters who ARE more noble (y/n, yuki, etc).

TABIEITAKEN HOLLYHOCK AU MY FAVORITE MORALLY GREY ASSHOLES 💖 there is not one good person in that fic (except maybe anri) just some characters you do root for and some you don’t HAHA i’m excited for all of the reveals and character development i think it’s going to be sooo fun

YESS it’ll be clearer once i finish the story where i got my inspiration from. i love drawing from history as an inspiration!! like ofc i’m not going to go word for word but it’s nice to have something that i can reference if needed and build my own plot off of. i def think it makes hollyhock unique…like a) it’s a fic w OTOYA as the main love interest (not the usual suspects itoshi bros) and also it’s set in a relatively unusual setting + is engaging with a generally overlooked aspect of that time period. like forget being a weak lady who falls in love w her arranged marriage husband 🥱 y/n is scheming plotting killing etc etc (or at least she will be eventually). i love mcs who are just a little Not Normal and i really think this y/n is like that!! as shown when she was completely willing to sacrifice her half brother if it meant living. like yes 100% he’s an ass but also girl that’s still an entire life you do NOT gaf abt 😭 omg and otoya when he heard her say that…bro realized he had finally found someone to match his 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 💖 truly the otp we all never needed

ooh yes i do think y/n is a victim of that trope while she’s staying w the hiiragis!! although as much of it is just them hating on her because they hate that she’s such an embarrassment to them…i’m excited to show how other characters (otoya and co) react to the circumstances that make the hiiragis hate her!! it’ll def be interesting (and also a lot of it is based in actual japanese mythology/tradition…despite my disclaimer i actually do enjoy researching and sprinkling in details like that!! i just had that in there in case some historian type of person came to my comments freaking out abt how something or another isn’t accurate 😭)

i feel like karasu HAS to be there HAHAHA it truly wouldn’t be otoya if his bestie isn’t present especially since yuki exists in-universe too!! he’s also going to be super important to the story but it will break my heart knowing that things w him will never be romantic 😔 though honestly “romantic” is a stretch even for y/n’s eventual relationship w eita 😰 it will be intense and passionate and pining and many other such things but unfortunately with all of the political nonsense they’re up to (unifying the warring states and whatnot) there won’t be too much time for a healthy proper relationship. long story short expect a slow burn 😈

ALSO BTW I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE INVESTED IN THE STORY writing fics for random characters is sooo hard sometimes because there’s usually not a lot of engagement/feedback 🤒 as long as i have even one reader who likes to yap w me i can usually manage it though so i am very grateful for you bae 🫶🏻 doing the otoya nation a great service

[black-rose-writings]

Tbf, I think having the twins say ableist and racist things were very conscious choices of the writers. They knew is was bad optics to have the Crows invade a place that is supposed to be a safe haven for a persecuted minority to kidnap one of them and sell them into slavery. Everyone would rightfully see this as an evil thing to do, and we're not suppose to see the Crows as evil. But that's where the manipulation comes in, because racism and ableism are very sensitive topics in our current society, so they have the twins spout racist and ableist insults in order to make the audience cheer for Kaz and Inej when they murder the twins for defending a place that was supposed to be safe for their kind.

I'm not gonna argue with you on that. They toned down Kaz for the same reason, I'd bet.

However, I also think that it didn't work.

It was too little, too late.

The Crows in the show rely heavily on their book fanbase and cool action scenes and funny one-liners.

They lost much of their complexity and with it, much of my sympathy.

[dahlia-coccinea]

Are the second generation really meant to mirror the first? I'm helping my sister revise for her end of unit test on it and it's mentioned quiet a bit in her notes but from what I've read (though tbf though- I'm reading certain parts for revision) I'm not really getting the vibe of that tbh. Can you help me understand why people may think this. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I'm certainly not an expert on the book and the criticisms about it - I read about it purely for my own enjoyment and there are many interpretations I’m probably not aware of. 

First, I would say they aren’t exact replicas or mirrors but are more like echos or perhaps extensions of the first generation. Certainly all the baggage of the previous generation is placed on them. Catherine Linton and Hareton Earnshaw are much easier to connect to the first generation then Linton is, in my opinion, but some critics have tried to do so - mostly in asserting that there is a love triangle between them similar to Heathcliff/Catherine/Edgar. There are a number of connections that critics make between Hareton/Cathy and Heathcliff/Catherine and some have been told a million times but I’ll try to cover the ones I remember. Let me see if I can keep this organized and not get too off topic. 

The similarity of their characters: At first glance you have the repetition of names - “C” and “H” appear repeatedly. Most apparent is that Catherine Linton is named for her mother. Hareton, although obviously an old family name since its been carved above the threshold of the Heights, it does feel intentional in furthering the connection between “C” and “H.” I’ve always found it interesting we have this scene from Cathy II and Linton in Chapter 14, that seems to directly call out the C & H connection:

“We found two in a cupboard, among a heap of old toys, tops, and hoops, and battledores and shuttlecocks. One was marked C., and the other H.; I wished to have the C., because that stood for Catherine, and the H. might be for Heathcliff, his name; but the bran came out of H., and Linton didn’t like it.”

Funnily I don’t think the H is for Heathcliff, I think its more likely meant for Hindley, but of course Heathcliff has been semi-assimilated into the Earnshaw family by being given the name Heathcliff, which was the name of a deceased child. To me at least, none of these feel unintentional, it feels fated since we have these repetitions noted by the characters themselves.

Cathy doesn’t only share a name with her mother, she lives in her shadow. We know from Nelly that, “On the anniversary of her birth we never manifested any signs of rejoicing, because it was also the anniversary of my late mistress’s death.” Edgar seems to cherish her in part because she is a remnant of her mother, even displaying many similar characteristics, although Nelly is quick to note Cathy is softer and more genteel - which makes sense considering she grows up with a loving father in a calm environment that lets her do as she pleases. She doesn't grow up with the harshness of the Earnshaw family, and Joseph's ranting, and it also seems that Nelly may have softened and become more maternal as years have gone by. I’d say she does become more and more like her mother after living at Wuthering Heights though. 

Some really great parallels between the two Catherine’s dialog have been made by Ann Dobyns - I’ve posted a few excerpts from her essay here if anyone is interested, it’s a bit more in-depth than this needs to be though.

Hareton has many parallels to Heathcliff as well - this is intentionally done by Heathcliff who, upon Hindley’s death, speaking of his plotting says, “And we’ll see if one tree won’t grow as crooked as another, with the same wind to twist it!” Heathcliff and Hareton have such an odd fated destiny, from the moment Heathcliff saves his life by catching him as his father dropped him over the bannister of second floor. Hareton from the start fears his natural father, “squalling and kicking in his father’s arms,” Nelly even fears Hindley will “frighten the child into fits.” Worlds different the description of a scene of very typical father/son affection described by Nelly during Hindley’s funeral when she says little Hareton, “played with Heathcliff’s whiskers, and stroked his cheek.” Or earlier when she had asked Hareton if he liked Heathcliff and he says:

“Ay!” he answered again. Desiring to have his reasons for liking him, I could only gather the sentences—“I known’t: he pays dad back what he gies to me—he curses daddy for cursing me.

In Hareton’s mind Heathcliff is more a protector than his father, and I suppose in many ways he is better than Hindley’s random obscene violence. As wrong as it is that Heathcliff denies Hareton his inheritance and an education, I think it does say something (not entirely sure what) that he is never physically abusive to Hareton in the way Hindley was with him. Hareton doesn’t ever show any real fear of Heathcliff. 

Heathcliff has his own complex feelings towards Hareton, definitely preferring him to his own son - he tells Nelly, “Do you know that, twenty times a day, I covet Hareton, with all his degradation? I’d have loved the lad had he been some one else.” So it seems we have the daughter of Catherine and the wished for son of Heathcliff. Lockwood even mistakes Hareton to be Heathcliff’s son momentarily in Chapter 2.

Some other parallels - Heathcliff notes the similarities between them later on in a discussion with Nelly:

“He’ll not venture a single syllable all the time! Nelly, you recollect me at his age—nay, some years younger. Did I ever look so stupid: so ‘gaumless,’ as Joseph calls it?”

“Worse,” I replied, “because more sullen with it.”

On other occasions Nelly talks about how Heathcliff liked to induce horror from those around him and “he contrived to convey an impression of inward and outward repulsiveness.” Hareton behaves similarly - in one scene after being taunted by Linton and Cathy, he throws Linton from the room to the disgust and fear of Cathy in Chapter 23:

...Earnshaw burst the door open: having gathered venom with reflection. He advanced direct to us, seized Linton by the arm, and swung him off the seat.

“‘Get to thy own room!’ he said, in a voice almost inarticulate with passion; and his face looked swelled and furious. ‘Take her there if she comes to see thee: thou shalln’t keep me out of this. Begone wi’ ye both!’

“He swore at us, and left Linton no time to answer, nearly throwing him into the kitchen; and he clenched his fist as I followed, seemingly longing to knock me down. I was afraid for a moment, and I let one volume fall; he kicked it after me, and shut us out.”

Similarly, when sitting next to him, Lockwood says, “My neighbour struck me as bordering on repulsive.” Even Nelly, who I’d say is typically biased towards Hareton, upon seeing him says he “seemed as awkward and rough as ever.”  Lockwood also describes him as being “almost haughty,” similar to Nelly’s repeated references to Heathcliff’s ego and “proud heart.” 

Heathcliff further casts light on their parallels when he says he sees Hareton as the “personification of my youth,” adding that, “Hareton's aspect was the ghost of my immortal love, of my wild endeavours to hold my right, my degradation, my pride, my happiness, and my anguish.” 

The love triangle:  I know some critics have said the dynamic between the Linton/Catherine/Hareton is similar to Edgar/Catherine/Heathcliff - I don't particularly see this. Cathy II is forced into marriage with Linton and at that point doesn't have notable feelings towards Hareton, compared to her mother who knows she loves Heathcliff more and still does have a choice to make even if it isn’t an easy one. 

Still, there are similarities in their relationship in that both men (Heathcliff and Hareton) end up feeling the need to better themselves because for their respective Catherine. Nelly says of Hareton, “He had been content with daily labour and rough animal enjoyments, till Catherine crossed his path. Shame at her scorn, and hope of her approval were his first prompters to higher pursuits.” I think this is similar to Heathcliff deciding to run away after years of abuse and to risk everything, including his life, after hearing Catherine says it would “degrade” her to marry him. Hareton does seem to show some jealously over Cathy’s attention and regard of Linton, and again with the presence of Lockwood so I suppose it is sort of love triangle-y? 

I also think Hareton shows signs of a growing devotion, similar to what Heathcliff felt towards Catherine. He certainly seems to be enamored by Cathy from the very first time they meet - Nelly says he, “stared at her with considerable curiosity and astonishment” and was, “too awkward to speak; though he looked as if he did not relish my intrusion.”

Something I’ve mentioned before is that Lockwood says about Hareton and Cathy, “Together, they would brave Satan and all his legions,” which feels like a direct parallel to Heathcliff’s assertion to Catherine that, “misery and degradation, and death, and nothing that God or Satan could inflict would have parted us.” 

Also Heathcliff seemingly attempts to play the role Hindley played in his youth when he tells Cathy, “Your love will make him an outcast and a beggar.” It seems both Catherine and Heathcliff knew their love would result in the same situation as Catherine relays this to Nelly when she says, “did it never strike you that if Heathcliff and I married, we should be beggars?” 

There is also, of course, the similarity of social stature - when Cathy first meets Hareton, he has nothing to his name and lives almost as a servant at Wuthering Heights, similar to Heathcliff’s position while Hindley was master. Cathy, similar to her mother, is better educated and has more opportunities - there is no socially accepted reason that she would choose Hareton, seeing as he can’t give her money, status, or respectability. 

The circle of events and “The Butterfly:” It does feel, in my opinion at least, that it is no accident that our happy ending is the union of Hareton and Cathy. It couldn’t happen with just any couple or in any other way. It does feel that they are made into the semi-proteges of Heathcliff and Catherine, and the elements of the Linton’s allows for there to be peace between the two families. There is a kind of resolution and unification of their energies. 

This is probably the most common narrative of the connection between Hareton/Cathy and Heathcliff/Catherine, and that is rather than just a parallel, critics have noted that the story of Catherine comes full circle with their marriage. The first Catherine wrote out her possible futures on her window sill in the names: Catherine Earnshaw, Catherine Heathcliff and Catherine Linton. Her daughter ends up reversing these different identities being born a Linton, marrying a Heathcliff, and finally an Earnshaw. That can’t be merely a coincidence.

Critic Dorothy Van Ghent deemed Catherine and Heathcliff the “original two” and she said that with the civilizing of Cathy and Hareton, "the great magic, the wild power, of the original two has been lost.” Others say that while poetically it makes sense within the repetition, Catherine and Hareton’s relationship is “improbable” but I disagree. I really liked Carol Ramsden’s take on this that incorporates Emily’s essay “The Butterfly,” and makes the parallel between the 1st and 2nd generation - I have posted this before but to save myself the time of rephrasing it I’ll just post the quote:

In Wuthering Heights, we encounter a destructive principle at work in the love between Catherine and Heathcliff. The principle is manifested fully in Catherine’s mental collapse and Heathcliff’s vindictiveness. However, the love between Cathy and Hareton is allowed to flower and they are both, in their own ways, products of the first lovers. The principle of destruction, as in “The Butterfly”, is transformed into a creative energy. Ultimately, Catherine and Heathcliff are also not deprived of this creative energy. Instead of representing a pessimistic view of life, their love, too, comes to suggest that all things work together towards good.

I think that’s an interesting take, besides just a happy ending for Hareton and Cathy it almost feels like a happy ending for Catherine and Heathcliff? In some ways they burned up only to transform into something better. Not saying that is how it is meant to be read, but I do like it (probably because I like a happy ending). 

I feel like there are other points that I’ve forgotten? But these are what I remember at least. 

[seravphs]

I caught a moment to catch up with DDAO :)

"You leave a piece of yourself behind every time a child cries." rip mc...my beloved...I need Yaga to get on introducing therapy to Jujutsu High ASAP 😭

"It’s reaching that time of year you feel the most lethargic, where people and time pass by you in a blur. In the spring you’ll wake up fully, and it’ll the cold will have faded like a bad dream." Off-topic but I'm so sad summer is ending! Also rip mc please google seasonal depression for me thanks babe

Rip mc makes me so so sad with her willingness to prioritize others but not herself. She got up instantly when she was worried that Shoko was cold but she wouldn't do the same for herself and it's so heartbreaking to see.

I hate to see rip mc isolate herself even further from the world. I think this year of my life in particular has taught me about how quickly time runs - and runs out, in particular. Entire weeks disappearing of her life...where she's alone...I'm deeply worried. So often throughout DDAO I want to reach into that universe and wrap my arm around rip mc.

This is a HUGE tangent lmao skip the next paragraph to ignore me talking to myself

Rip mc isn't even catholic (afaik) 😭 but she's so self flagellating. I think part of the reason rip mc makes me so sad is she reminds me a lot of high school. It's such a deeply (often specifically teenage) girl mindset to punish yourself for your desires. This is not that relevant to DDAO but there's something painfully resonant about the way rip mc is going about this. Tbf rip mc is (in her own opinion because stsg are morons and terrible at communicating) a homewrecker so it isn't THAT applicable BUT in general it just feels like looking into my own past to see rip mc take on the weight of a literal apocalypse, her world collapsing, and blame herself for it. I read something once which I wish I could find again about how Jesus could never be a woman because female suffering isn't subversive, it's expected. Suguru was there! Suguru was very much in control of his own actions in that moment! But rip mc is laying the price of destruction at the feet of her greed and it makes me so miserable :( I feel like so often women are socially conditioned to want less, to be less greedy. Bitter over this forever.

Back to DDAO

LMAO SHOKO she's so real I love her. I'm also very pragmatic so I feel like that's how I would react. I think Shoko is my self-insert in DDAO haha: takes care of rip mc and is the voice of reason.

We know so little about Mimiko and Nanako, it's nice to imagine a world where they get to grow up as normally as they can. With friends, teachers, a social life etc. God. Life gets better, don't read JJK lmaooo not a single person (worth caring about) in this damned series is happy.

Something I really like about DDAO is how it's like JJK, since it's canon-adjacent, but also how much I feel like I'm talking with my friends about her toxic situationships like I really am watching rip mc interact with stsg with the fond horror of two girls sitting across from each other in a restaurant booth recounting what happened last week in their lives.

Megumi is such a good kid.

I can't seem to remember rip mc liking sweets. Maybe it was just a random choice but since she just saw Gojo, I also can't help but wonder if she bought one because of him.

HE'S SUCH A GOOD KID.

I think I've talked about this before, but I feel so strange about aging. I don't mean this in the conventional spoon fed aging propaganda sense because I'm not afraid of wrinkles/etc. It's more that recently, I've become so aware of the concept of 'youth' - and the fact that I'm losing it. At some point last year, I turned eighteen, and this year, nineteen, then the year after that, I'll turn twenty - how did I get so far from four and six and eight? What happened? It's terribly beautiful and beautifully terrible because change is inevitable and yet so scary. I'm evolving with the world, or perhaps it's evolving with me, but I'm at a loss for how to react to that.

Rip mc's monologue about returning to a place she knew with the sudden awareness of her lack of being a child really hit home. Many things I've loved are memories now. I loved stars, too. I miss my mom and dad, too. And no matter how much I miss them (my parents are alive I just spent my first year away from them at college lol), I can't go back to the past! I can scream and cry and beg but I can never, ever go back.

Both rip mc and I are going to have to learn to be okay with that. Somehow. Wow. If I keep relating to rip mc I will consider seeking professional help. Thanks Morgan!

Megumi's such a good kid, it makes me endlessly sad and happy. Nothing like Fushiguro Toji made me laugh, though. I think that would've made Toji happy too.

I can't stand stsg. They're so evil 😭. Stsg and rip mc really are such a dynamic because she's weak to their advances specifically. Like who else are they trying this on that it would work? Just her. Poor baby.

stsg being shocked by how easy it was to get rip mc to agree made me laugh.

One day I will see rip mc develop some sense of self worth. One day. I know it'll happen. DDAO chapter 289. I'll be there and I'll be celebrating with champagne.

The realization that the mission that traumatized rip mc so badly was just a grade 2 mission made me physically flinch. I'm really bouncing between jjk canon and 'girl he said WHAT' and it's so good. Whiplash between stsg being assholes per usual and fuck, I forgot that these are child soldiers who somehow made it to adulthood - with all the baggage of being child soldiers.

I should get used to rip mc pulling away from people who want to take care of her but I never do. JJK never goes into detail with how horribly traumatic the lives of sorcerers actually are. Gojo didn't blink in reaction to some of his oldest friends dying. It feels so good, even if it's so horribly sad, to get that experience with rip mc and see how this life of blood and curses has affected her.

Sorry I actually DO love that Gojo is feeding rip mc lmaooo. I got so excited to read that scene. He's terrible and it's so fun! Kiss tax hahaha. Love him. I actually think Gojo wouldn't like my personality irl because he's a terrible bully but I would play along too well and he wouldn't get the reactions he wanted. I think I’d actually get along better with literally anyone else haha

This one made me really introspective and moody. It might be the end of a season affecting me. Either way, it was incredible per usual. Hope you're enjoying Japan and having lots of fun!

dog days are over | chapter five

pairing: gojo satoru x fem!reader x geto suguru warnings/tags (for this chapter): mentions of virginity loss, threesomes, depression (the holy trinity lmfao), birth control, full on dissociative panic attack but not in detail, obligatory stsg warning. also cheating mention (but not really gojo is just jealous and geto likes the attention. they gaslight each other for fun btw) word count: ~9.2k

fic masterlist read on ao3

The nightmares start after Nagoya.

You wake up bleary eyed and distinctly worn out, with a heaviness in your chest that you carry with you. It only gets heavier.

The auxiliary manager you worked with promised to share any more relevant information with you about the case. You should have left it at that.

It becomes harder to stay uninvolved in your assignments, you're beginning to find, especially when innocent lives are taken.

You leave a piece of yourself behind every time a child cries.

You sit up from your bed and glance at the clock above the doorway. 11:54 AM. Light streams in from your windows, and you close your eyes in the temporary warmth before it fades, leaving your room cold. Outside, the trees are barren and the overcast is gray in preparation for the upcoming winter. It’s reaching that time of year you feel the most lethargic, where people and time pass by you in a blur. In the spring you’ll wake up fully, and it’ll the cold will have faded like a bad dream. 

It's almost Satoru's birthday.

It’s cold. You feel goosebumps form on your arms. It occurs to you that you may have forgotten to turn on the heat in your apartment. Central heat. A rare luxury in these types of apartments. But you don’t want to leave the warmth of your bed, so you lie back down and curl into your bed.

Just as you’re about to succumb back to temporary emptiness, the door to your bedroom is thrown open. You wince as the door slams into the wall, raising your head.

“Something happened,” Shoko says plainly, crossing her arms. “I hope you haven’t been hiding from me on purpose.” 

You don’t recall giving Shoko a key. But you must have, if she’s inside of your apartment. Guilt churns in your stomach. You’ve been avoiding not just her, but Satoru and Suguru. You’re unsure of how to act around them anymore. You don’t know how much you can tell her. How much you should.

Then she lightly frowns. “Why is it so cold in here?”

You sit up, worried the cold might be bothering her. “Let me turn on the heat.”

Before you can stand, she waves you off, taking off her coat and lazily throwing it on a nearby chair. “Forget that,” she sighs, walking over to your bed and motioning you over. “Move over.”

You wordlessly comply, scooting to the far end of the bed as she settles next to you, lifting the covers over her body. 

The two of you look at each other, at the opposite ends of your pillow, sharing your comforter. At the warmth of her body, you almost close your eyes. You think if you fell asleep now, no nightmares would come to you.

“Shoko,” you say quietly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

But you had. Days passed in a blur. You didn’t give much thought to it, devoting all your efforts to routine. Luckily, there were no assignments after Nagoya. This bitter winter is a slow season for curses. You went from your apartment to Tokyo University and back, buried yourself in your studies, and blocked out the world. You hadn’t meant to. You kept on telling yourself you’d reply to that text, that you’d show your face again, that you’d pretend everything was alright even though it wasn’t. Now you’ve caused Shoko undue worry.

She simply looks at you. “Something happened at the party, didn’t it?”

You think of Satoru. Then Suguru. It’s the most you’ve thought about them in weeks. You don’t want to think about them because the longer you do, the more your thoughts stray in ways it shouldn’t.

You pull your covers up to your chin, troubled, and your silence speaking volumes. She softens. 

“Never mind. I’m not here to force you to talk,” she pauses. “But if something happened. Something you didn’t want , then I want you to tell me.” She exhales. “Even if it’s Satoru and Suguru. Especially if it’s those two.”

It wasn’t…They didn’t…They…

You’re conflicted. “They wouldn’t…” you trail off weakly.

She looks at you blankly.

“It…”

You bury your face into your comforter. You don’t have the words to explain. It’s okay, you want to tell her. You’re more worried about Satoru and Suguru’s relationship than anything else. They’re arguing about something, you want to tell her, and engaging in acts with you you know they’ll regret. You’ve never cared much for what they do with you. You’d do anything, give them everything if they asked. If she asked. You lower the blanket.

She eyes you, suspicion lining her face. “Did they—”

“No,” you blurt out before she can finish. “Yes. Maybe.” You hesitate. “It wasn’t…”

Bad.

It feels like an admission of guilt. It felt so good it was horrible. You shouldn’t have enjoyed it. You shouldn’t have succumbed to the pleasure, not when the future of Satoru and Suguru’s relationship hung in the balance. It’s your fault, you think once again. The world is collapsing on top of you, and you can’t help but think it’s punishment for your existence. For taking more than you should have.

“Are you on birth control?”

You stare at her. “What?”

“Birth control,” she repeats, deathly serious. She rises from the bed. “I should get you started now—”

You reach for her delicate wrist, stopping her. “It’s not like that!” Your face warms with embarrassment. “I promise, it’s not like that.”

It's not that serious, you're sure. Even the thought gives you pause, makes you apprehensively embarrassed. It's not...like that. 

Luckily, it’s something you don’t have to worry or think about. 

“...If you say so.” She says, not believing you in the slightest. She retakes her position on the bed. “So,” she says after a pause. “Shirokami visited the infirmary.”

Right. You forgot Hideo had gone and introduced himself to Shoko.

Your stomach flutters, nervous. “Did you like him?”

“I did,” she replies. “He’s…” a thoughtful pause. “Nice. A country boy.” A wry smile. “Nothing like those two. At all. It’s refreshing, actually.”

Relief. You suppose he did grow up in the countryside, so it’s not too far off from the mark. As for being like Satoru or Suguru…

You resolve not to be hurt. The two of them are under no obligation to meet anyone. You won’t be hurt. 

“He made it seem like the two of you are close friends.”

You’re sure he’s just being polite. Hideo is nice like that. Nonetheless, it makes you a bit happy to hear you made an impression on him. That he thinks of you fondly. He considers you a friend. Maybe there’s hope for you after all.

The comforter is warm with the shared heat of your bodies. Sleep calls out to you.

“He…scares me a little,” you say quietly. Hideo reminds you of a part of your life you don’t like to revisit. He makes you feel like a child again, afraid to be alone. “There’s a lot I don’t like to remember…about…back then. But I’m glad I met him again.”

“I see,” she says, smiling. “Then me too. I’m glad the two of you found each other again.”

You blink drowsily, smiling back at her. Shoko’s face is the last thing you see before heaviness drags your eyelids to darkness.

—

When you wake up, you are pleasantly revitalized and a little more alert. Shoko is gone, but there’s takeout on your kitchen counter. You take a bite of the Vietnamese noodles and realize that your taste buds have somewhat returned. You eat the entire meal, full for the first time in what seems like months.

You reply to a text from Hideo about the crowd at Shibuya crossing, smiling at the litany of exclamation points accompanying by his texts. You realize Megumi texted you earlier, about when you’d be coming by again and another pang of guilt hits you. You’ve been neglecting the kids too, lately. You wouldn't survive Mimiko and Nanako's wide eyes, gazing up at you, pleading at you to stay with them.

It’s six now, and the sky is pitch black. You know for a fact that Suguru and Satoru won’t be at the apartment until later. Yaga-sensei had mentioned Gakuganji visiting Tokyo accompanied by several other clan members for some annual conference. You didn’t pay attention to the details.

You…could visit. Suguru would have already fed the kids by now. Maybe you could take Megumi and the girls out for dessert. Or order something to the apartment. You feel lighter at the thought. Spending time with the kids always made you feel better. It’s something you can do, as small as it is. Small things.

Small steps.

You change and you’re out the door shortly. It doesn’t take you long to reach the apartment, greet the doorman, and take the elevator up. You knock. A few minutes later, the door swings opens, revealing Megumi.

“Hi,” you say brightly. “Have you been well?”

“Fine.” He lets you in. “Don’t you have a key?”

You laugh, still a bit breathless from the cold as you hang your coat up. “It doesn’t feel right to use it. I’m still a guest after all.”

Megumi doesn’t respond to that as the two of you enter the living room. It’s unusually quiet. “Where are the girls?”

“Mimiko and Nanako are with their friends. Tsumiki stayed after school for club.”

Just a couple of years ago, the thought of Mimiko and Nanako willingly spending time out of the apartment would have been a surprise. The two of them had been so recalcitrant about attending school. Suguru wanted to keep them homeschooled while Satoru thought putting them in school would be the best way to ease them out of their shell. It had taken time and patience, with several bad days, but eventually the two warmed up to their teachers and fellow classmates, Nanako especially. And where Nanako went, Mimiko always followed.

Mimiko had flowered into a sociable butterfly following her reintegration into society. It makes you happy to know that the two are alright now, so readily available to spend time with their friends.

“Just me and you, huh.” Megumi wouldn’t leave you though. Not yet. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah,” he states. “Earlier. I was just finishing my homework.”

You glance at the kitchen counter, finding Megumi’s homework spread around. “You don’t usually do your homework outside your room.”

“It’s quiet with everyone gone,” he says bluntly. 

You smile, taking a seat as Megumi slides in next to you. He resumes his homework, and you let him carry on, helping him when he asks, simply content to watch. A few pauses during this science homework which you help him through easily. He glides through his English homework, and you feel unnaturally proud of him as you proofread his work.

It doesn’t take him long to finish. Soon, he’s gathering his homework up and packing it into his backpack.

“I was thinking,” you start. You hear the door open in the distance. It must be the girls. Perfect timing. “That we could all go out for—”

You turn, every hair on your body rising in panic.

“Sato—s’guru,” you blurt out, frozen. “What are you guys doing back so early?” Your question comes out more accusative than you intended. Of course they could come back as early as they wanted. It was their home after all. You were the interloper. 

It’s just..

You thought that you’d have a little longer!

The two of them look at you. You shift uncomfortably, gaze bouncing from them to the floor to the wall behind to anything else. You’re a little more aware of the heat of their gazes on you, pinning you to the spot. Your collar feels warm, nerves jumping beneath your skin.

“The meeting ended early,” Suguru says amicably, smiling at you in a way that would be reassuring at any other given moment. “Satoru didn’t want to stick around.”

Satoru is oddly quiet, gazing at you. Even with his sunglasses on, you feel the weight of it, that prickle that tells you he’s focusing his attention on you. Your bottom lip twinges. You are determined not to meet his gaze. Or hold Suguru’s for too long.

Satoru cocks his head to the side. “You staying over?”

You think it’s Satoru’s way of telling you to leave. That you’ve outstayed your welcome. Suguru is too nice to say it outright.

“No,” you say, voice thin, throat growing thick. “I’m leaving now.”

“Can we talk?” Suguru asks quietly after murmuring your name. He gazes at you.

That’s the last thing you want. To be alone with the two of them. You don’t want to hear what they have to say. You want to imagine things to be okay, just for a little longer. Until you can’t.

“I’m sorry!” You say suddenly, antsy, hit by a sudden need to justify your presence at their home. You hope Megumi forgives you for the lie you’re about to tell. You glance down at him. “I just came over because Megumi needed school supplies!”

There’s a long silence.

A shadow of a twitch of an eyebrow falls over Satoru's face. "Since when does Megumi need school supplies?”

Suguru watches you carefully. 

Your face burns in silent shame. You stare at the floor, feeling horrible. 

“Since today,” Megumi returns testily. “We’ll be going now.”

Satoru looks mortally offended.

Megumi takes your hand and walks you out while you can't bring yourself to lift your head.

Outside, you bury your face into your knees. “Sorry,” you mumble. “Just give me a few…”

You squeeze your eyes shut and take a shuddering breath while your heart races in your ears.

“Are Satoru and Suguru okay?” You suddenly ask Megumi, who stays silent next to you. “Any issues?”

“They’re the same as ever,” Megumi says tonelessly, but his face is softer in its worry.

You smile. “I’m fine,” you tell him reassuringly.

He's right. If anything, at least the two of them don’t seem to be fighting. Not like they were during the wedding. But you still don’t think you can go back in there, and now you’ve forced Megumi out of the apartment.

You feel a mixture of guilt and horrible, horrible dread slowly spreading through you.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I shouldn’t have come. You probably don’t want to be out this late—”

“I don’t mind,” Megumi says. “I was going to take a walk anyway.”

That brings a small smile to your face. “It’s a bit late to take a walk, don’t you think?”

He shrugs. You feel a bit better at the fact that he’s not bothered at your impromptu outing. Rising, you take his hand once more. “Then let’s walk.”

You and Megumi walk around the neighborhood. The streets are dark, illuminated by streetlights in the mostly residential area. Other than the occasional dog walking passerby, the two of you walk in comfortable silence. Until the two of you find yourself all the way in Shibuya with its bright lights and noise. It’s easy to get lost in the lights of Tokyo’s busy nightlife. Throngs of people pass you by as you meander, following the crowd, with no particular destination in mind.

The two of you stop by a 7-11 tucked a bit further away from the bustle. You buy yourself a strawberry daifuku and ask Megumi if he wants anything. He isn’t hungry, so you buy him green tea.

More aimless walking takes you to Sakuragaokachō, away from the crowd. Streetlights and dark buildings greet you, but something about the area looks familiar. Nudges at muscle memory, the nerves in your foot. If Megumi notices your pace pick up, he doesn’t say anything.

You make your way down the street and slowly approach.

It’s a small, odd shaped building. With a curved dome of a roof that makes it look like a half moon.

You stare. “I think I used to come here.”

You remember the pitch blackness of a room, the steady hum of the ac that had filled the room, and the slow blinking of the stars coming alight on the ceiling. You remember this building. 

The memory feels distorted. Incomplete. You feel like a clumsy child putting together a 500 piece puzzle, slotting pieces that don’t fit together. Your head hurts. 

There’s a sign taped to the window next to the entrance. You momentarily squint.

Closing for good. All bookings are final. 

Closing…for good…

Megumi calls your name.

“Sorry,” you blink it all away. “It’s nothing.”

“...Do you want to go in?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just…”

“It’s still open.”

“That’s okay.” You don’t want to force Megumi along with your whims even more than you already have tonight.

“I want to go in,” Megumi points inside. “We can buy tickets right now. It’s the last show”

He looks serious enough that you consider it, glancing at the building. If it were any other child but Megumi you might have worried that it would be boring. “Alright,” you say slowly, less troubled. “If you really don’t mind…”

He tugs you forward. The two of you enter the carpeted lobby and approach the usher who hands you two tickets without much fanfare and tells you that this is the last showing of the night. To your great relief, nothing looks familiar. It’s all different. It might not even be the planetarium you had regularly been taken to as a child.  

The two of you enter the dark room faintly lit by dim stars dotting the curved ceiling. There are three couples scattered across the room. You let Megumi pick your seats in the corner and slide in next to him on the reclining seats.

The seating is different. It used to be standard seating in rows. You think. You aren’t sure. Maybe you just aren’t remembering it right. You must not be remembering anything right, right now. You’re buffeted by a perturbed feeling that grows stronger with every passing second.

The room is enveloped in darkness. A recorded woman’s voice begins to play. One by one the zodiacs appear above you while the voice drones on about creation myths and history. Amanominakanushi, Takamimusubi, Kamimusubi.

Different constellations are projected onto the ceiling, constantly in motion, forming new shapes, fading in and out.

You used to come here. You were a child then. You aren’t a child anymore. Nothing is the same. You aren’t that naive child that had proclaimed this planetarium your favorite place in the world. You hadn’t cared about the planetarium as much as you loved being pressed against your warm father, and his steady hand on your head. Your mother’s hushed whispers pointing out more stars.

You suddenly can’t breathe. You are keenly aware of Megumi right next to you, the humming of the air condition in the background, the narrator on the speakers, and every single breath trapped in your chest. Your head spins.

You close your eyes, slowly fisting your knuckles until they’re tight, feeling your legs and arms go numb. It’ll pass. It’ll pass. Don’t bother Megumi. It’ll pass. It’ll pass.

“—a’am”

“She’s occupied.”

Megumi’s curt voice.

When you open your eyes, the lights are on and you are on the floor, clutching your knees to your chest. You blink, readjusting to the light.

The attendant looks unsure. She looks barely out of high school. “The show’s over and we have to clean up so…”

“Right,” you say unsteadily, embarrassment slowly creeping in. You stand. “I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s alright…” She looks more relieved than bothered. “The exit’s to the right.”

You quickly gather Megumi and make a dash for the outside.

“Sorry,” you tell him breathlessly, once the two of you have made it far away enough that the embarrassment isn’t as painful. You squeeze your eyes shut, press your hands into your eyes, and take a big gulp of air. “Megumi,” you mumble. “I’m really embarrassed right now.”

“It’s okay,” he says quietly.

There’s a horrible, sinking feeling in your stomach. You kneel down, meeting him at eye level, and manage your best smile. “Hey,” you say, cupping his face with your palm to even your gazes. You meet the dark purple of his eyes, the sincerity in their depths, and think that Megumi has all Fushiguro Toji’s roughness and grit, but none of his meanness. He couldn’t be more different than his father. Your Megumi is a good boy. “I’m alright. Thank you for spending the night with me.”

His gaze lowers. “Yeah.”

You stand back up, brushing your pants off. “I should take you back to Satoru and Suguru now…” You take out your phone to call a cab, but Megumi speaks up.

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

Your first thought, guiltily, is relief. You can’t send Megumi to the apartment himself so you resigned yourself to having to face Suguru and Satoru once more. You have a late morning tomorrow. It’s Saturday so Megumi doesn’t have school either. It’s the perfect opportunity. 

You smile. “Of course you can.”

——

You text Satoru and Suguru that the two of you have arrived home, shut your phone off, and find Megumi already tucked underneath the covers of your bed. Thankfully Megumi had left some of his clothes the last time he had visited. You watch him for another minute, the steady rise and fall of his body, and the smallness of him. For once, he looks his age. Just another sleeping child.

A couple of years and he’d be as tall as you. You doubt the two of you would be able to comfortably share a bed as the two of you do now. You observe him, adjusting his sheets, smoothing out his hair, until you join him in slumber.

——

You wake up with a start, a scream building in your throat. 

Megumi isn’t in bed. It’s still dark out. Fear grips your heart as you look around your room. Maybe your shuffling had woken him up and he had gone into your guest room to sleep. The thought makes you feel marginally better. But you also feel bad. You should’ve delivered him back to the apartment, swallowing down your discomfort in exchange for Megumi’s sleep.

“I got you water.”

You startle. It’s Megumi standing in the darkness of your doorway. You blink, adjusting to how the shadows meld into him, almost swallowing him whole.

Your throat happens to be parched. “Thank you,” you rasp out as Megumi presses the glass into your hand and climbs back into the bed. You drain the glass. “Did I wake you?”

Megumi’s silence tells you everything.

You sigh. “I’m sorry. It’s not usually this…” Bad. You figure it’s all the stress of your life. And then with Nagoya…

Megumi looks at you. “You were…” he trails off, pulling the covers up higher, up to his neck. “Nevermind. It’s nothing.”

You hope you haven’t been talking in your sleep.

Megumi falls asleep easily enough again, while you thread your fingers through his hair.

When sleep claims you once more, you hope for the forgiving light of the morning to come quickly.

You’re about to head home from the campus of jujustu tech when you catch a glimpse of blonde hair in your peripheral, turning the corner to the courtyard.

“Nanami!” You call out, and the figure stops.

Your kouhai turns to you as you approach, a respectful downtilt of his head. “Senpai.” 

It’s been a while since you’ve seen him. He looks as good as you can normally attribute to him. Straight laced and responsible. Nanami’s always had a maturity to him that you’ve always thought highly of. It’s been years since the two of you were in high school, but sometimes you can still see the slight sullen downturn of his lips when Satoru does something particularly annoying. Some things don’t change.

“How have you been?” Judging from the overnight duffel in his grip, he must have just gotten back from an assignment of his own.

“The same as always,” he responds. “Thank you for asking.” A sensible answer you’d expect from him. He pauses, looking you over, the tinted eyepiece over his eyes offering you nothing. His gaze doesn’t pity you. He doesn’t offer you condolences. It’s an understanding that makes every single troubling thought resurface.

Oh, you think.

“I heard,” he says quietly. About Nagoya.

Your smile turns tight. You force it wider. “It’s over now.” You don’t know what else to say.

“The children…”

It’s a rare moment when Nanami is at a loss for words. You hadn’t expected Nanami of all people to bring this up in conversation. You’re not as upset as you could be about it. Talking to Nanami is and always has been…surprisingly easy.

“An aunt volunteered to raise them.” You think of the shell shocked son and the blank eyed older daughter. Your mouth turns sour. You stare at your shoes. Hopefully, they’ll get settled in soon. You will yourself to say the words but nothing comes out. 

Nanami understands. “Ah. I see.”

The two of you stay silent.

“Nanami!” A voice exclaims loudly.

Satoru.

You don’t have time to react before Satoru is there, in front of you, loudly slapping Nanami on the back. You wince, both at the noise and Satoru’s sudden unwanted arrival. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you were ignoring—”

Wordlessly, Nanami inclines his head to you once more, before turning on his heels and walking in the opposite direction of where he had been headed previously.

“He hasn’t changed one bit!” Satoru sighs. “Just when I thought the shared bonds of adulthood brought us closer…”

“...”

You wonder if you can slowly inch away.

He turns to you, as if sensing your intentions. You brace yourself for impact.

Satoru cocks his head to the side, studying you in silence, gaze shielded. You swallow, pulse starting up as you stare back at him.

“Seven tonight,” he finally says, to your great confusion. “Wear that…” he twirls a finger, “dress.”

A slow smile pulls at his lips. His fingers smooth out the collar of your dress shirt, and you swallow nervously when his fingers brush the heat of your neck. “Suguru barely got to see it, you know?”

Oh.

You hadn’t even thought about it since you shoved it back into your closet, hadn’t touched it. It felt wrong to throw it out. Shoko picked it out specially for you. Despite it all, you wanted to hang on to it.

He takes a step forward. You take a step back into the wall. He leans into you.

“Don’t be late!”

–

You hadn’t planned on wearing the dress. Then you looked up the restaurant on Google and nearly dropped your phone at the price range. 

-

After taking your jacket, the hostess brings you to one of the private rooms in the back before leaving with a bow. You hover at the shoji, feeling anxiety grip you tightly, knowing that Satoru and Suguru are already inside. You wonder if you have to. You could lie, make up some excuse about an emergency as (un)well as it would be received.

The door abruptly slides open before you can decide.

“There you are,” Satoru simply says.

You aren’t given time to do anything else but take off your shoes as Satoru takes you by the wrist with an ironclad grip and leads you to the opposite of the table where Suguru is already seated.

He smiles at you as you slowly lower yourself onto the tatami matting floor. Even now, you still find comfort in Suguru’s smiles. It feels wrong.

“Have you eaten?” He asks as Satoru settles down next to him. “The wagyu here is famous.”

“I’m fine,” you say tightly. Hunger is the last thing on your mind as Satoru and Suguru watch you. Suguru with a carefully crafted smile, and Satoru with an unreadable expression. You’re so nervous you might pass out.

You stare down at your lap.

You are saved from the silence when a waitress knocks and enters the room with a tablet in her hands. Satoru begins listing off an obscene amount of food with Suguru occasionally chiming in with one thing or another. Wagyu, house smoked salmon, lobster, a colorful variety of more seafood, and more. They must be hungry.

Satoru goes quiet. You realize the waitress is waiting for your order. You raise your gaze with a small, polite smile. Had there even been a menu? “I’m not hungr—”

“Double everything,” Satoru says.

You stare at him.

“Add hot chrysanthemum tea to that,” Suguru adds.

“And that,” Satoru completes. “Put it all on my card, would you?”

You’re taken aback. You look to the waitress, hoping she hasn’t put in the order yet. “A-Actually—”

“That’ll be all,” Suguru says smoothly. “Thank you.”

The waitress bows and slips out of the room before you have a chance to say anything else. You don’t have time to comprehend her disappearance and you’re left staring at the empty space she had previously occupied, mouth slightly agape. You turn back to them.

“I ate bef—”

“Then you can eat a little more,” Suguru replies easily. A winning smile playing on his lips. “Right?”

You can’t meet Suguru’s gaze, but you feel it travel over you. “...”

When you chance a glimpse up, Satoru’s face is cradled in his palm. His gaze is centered a little lower than your face. You briefly wonder what he’s looking at when your hand automatically comes up to slap the memory of his teeth on your collarbone. The bruise is gone, but with Satoru looking at you like that you can’t be too sure.

The two of them share an infinitely amused glance.

Satoru opens his mouth. You beat him to it.

“I’m sorry!” You blurt out. You feel like it needs to be said before anything else. You clear your throat. “I’m sorry.”

Satoru raises an eyebrow. “Already?”

“What are you apologizing for?” Suguru asks.

Your fists curl, anxious to be speaking everything to existence. You struggled between acknowledgement and the relief of denial. You didn’t want it to be true, but it still happened, hadn’t it? “Everything,” you say plainly. “I didn’t…I don’t want to come between the two of you…I think that the two of you should talk things out more instead of…”

You think of Suguru’s face between your thighs. Satoru’s lips on yours. Your face feels embarrassingly warm. You want to crawl into the nearest closet, shut the door, and burrow into the floor.

There’s a knock on your door. Your waitress places your drinks down and leaves once more. Glad to have something to occupy your hands, your hands circle around the tea mug. It’s hot enough to burn, but the prickling of pain in your hands oddly enough, grounds you.

“It’s okay to be mad,” you say quietly. You should’ve stopped things before they escalated. Instead you let yourself be caught up in everything. “If the two of you want to be mad at each other then I’d rather you be mad at m—”

“Just a second!” Satoru raises his hand.

“Y-yes?”

He proceeds. “We’re not mad at you.”

Satoru meets your wide gaze evenly. Disbelief. You look to Suguru. You need confirmation. 

“I was never mad,” he says, regarding you with concern. “More worried.” A wry smile. “You started avoiding us so suddenly…”

The revelation stuns you. They aren’t…mad? They don’t hate you? The two of them know everything. More disbelief. Relief wars with confusion. You don’t know what to think. You thought the worst, and maybe that was all your fault. You’ve always gotten too caught up in your head. It’s easy to spiral when you’re left alone with your thoughts. You don’t like being alone, the loneliness, but it’s your most familiar friend. 

“I thought the two of you hated me,” you admit, fingers clinging to the warmth of the tea in your hands in lieu of fidgeting. “I thought the two of you would never want to see me again…” It doesn’t feel real. They aren’t mad. They aren’t mad at you. You could cry from the relief.

You eye them warily. “Are you still fighting?”

It’s Suguru who answers you, expression soft. “You could say we’ve come to a compromise.”

You straighten, feeling lighter than you have in what seems to be ages. They’ve called you here to forget about everything. Everything is alright. Everything is going to go back to how it was. Well, not exactly. Satoru and Suguru may get married in the near or far future, and you'll naturally, slowly, take your leave from their everyday lives. But you’ll still be friends. Suguru will still look at you fondly. Satoru will still afford you the same considerations that everybody else thinks he lacks.

“I’m glad,” you say earnestly with a wide smile. “Then I’ll forget about everything. I’ll pretend nothing happened.”

Everything is going to stay the same. You take immense comfort in that fact. Your nerves settle. You take a long sip of your tea.

The two of them share another look.

Suguru reaches out, his fingers brushing one of your hands that you laid palm down on the table sometime after Suguru told you he was never mad at you. His thumb sweeps over your wrist and you startle, pulse spiking. “Did it feel good?”

You blink. You don’t need to guess to know what he’s referring to. You glance from Suguru to Satoru and then back again, wordlessly opening and closing your mouth. You can’t escape from the question, or their combined scrutiny.

You press your legs together. “It…did…” There’s no need for you to have felt as if you shouldn’t have enjoyed it, but you still feel a pang of guilt. Satoru and Suguru aren’t mad at each other, or at you. They still love each other. Everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to stay the same.

“That’s good,” Suguru says warmly. “I wanted to make you feel good.”

“Oh,” you reply, breathless and unsure. “Thank you.”

Satoru exhales with a laugh that shakes his shoulders. It’s not derisive like you expected. It’s fond and amused. “How about all three of us feel good?”

You blink.

The implications aren’t lost on you. You open your mouth and then close it. Maybe Satoru and Suguru’s odd actions towards you had nothing to do with their argument in the first place. Maybe you were overthinking it all from the start. It’s just sex.

If you could help them feel good, then you don’t mind. “Okay.”

The two of them stare at you.

You wonder why they look so...surprised. It’s not as if you’ve never seen an occasional third breach their bedroom. A man or woman you've never recognized. It’s just sex. It’s normal. You think that maybe, like you, they want the comfort of something familiar. And if anything, you are familiar. But—

You’ve never had sex before.

You hesitate, feeling oddly self conscious about it as your gaze drops back to your lap. You’ve entertained some thoughts about it all, but you always figured the ugly scar on your abdomen would be discomfiting to most. And explaining it…

“I’ve never been with anyone before. I hope that’s alright.” You fidget. “I’ll try my…” you reluctantly meet their gazes, ”best.”

There’s a brief silence.

“That was easy,” Satoru remarks, squinting at you as if you’ve been replaced by an identical lookalike. He glances at Suguru. “We should’ve just done this earlier.” His gaze joins yours once more. “That easy?”

Earlier…

You stare at them, almost dumbfounded.

The two of them should’ve just asked earlier, to save you the emotional turmoil if anything! 

It was only ever sex. It only is sex.

You hesitate. You don’t mind. You really don’t. It doesn't need to mean anything, especially with you. You prefer to look at it in simpler terms. Sex can be pleasurable, and with you, that’s all it would ever likely be. You doubt there are any other intentions involved.

Then you say, quietly, meaningfully, “I like…spending time with the two of you…”

A bark of laughter leaves Satoru’s mouth. “Well, we’re not exactly going to be watching movies —”

“You don’t need to,” Suguru suddenly says. “If you don’t want to, then you don’t need to.” He gives you a soft smile despite the sharp jab of his elbow into Satoru’s abdomen. Satoru hisses. Suguru doesn’t miss a beat. “Don’t let this guy pressure you.” There’s a pause. “Everything would stay the same.”

Maybe a part of you had been waiting for those words. Everything would stay the same. Suguru always knows what to say, you think, because his words feel like a confirmation.

“Are you two alright with me?” You ask. “I’m sure there are plenty of other people…” who know what to do.

You are gripped with sudden anxiety and your stomach twists into knots. You don’t know what to do. You wouldn’t know how to make them feel good. You’ll be terrible and they’ll wish they never asked you in the first place. You swallow the knot in your throat. “I’m sure Sasaki-san would love—”

“No,” Suguru’s fingers momentarily tighten over your wrist. “Only you,” he says at the same time Satoru says, “Who the hell is Sasaki?”

You blink. “5’4, brown hair cut into a bob, hazel eyes. She was wearing a silver colored kimono…” You pause thoughtfully, recalling the shapes and patterns. “There was an embroidered crane on it.” Running down the side of her left leg. “She smelled like apple blossoms and had soft hands…” She smelled good. You remember that, along with the heat of her fingers when they brushed your own. You stare down at the hand that had touched her, momentarily lost in thought.

Satoru stares at you blankly while Suguru looks vaguely resigned.

You try again. “The matchmaking ceremony you ditched…?”

Satoru is characteristically unrepentant. “Which one?”

“...”

Suguru looks like he’s trying to stifle laughter.

All those poor girls…

“Masaru Sasaki,” Suguru murmurs. Satoru makes an annoyed face.

“ That girl. She was practically hanging off your arm—” Satoru bites the rest of his sentence off, blue eyes narrowing at Suguru. “You cheatin’ on me?”

Your palms immediately turn sweaty. It could be a joke. It could also not be. Sometimes, with Satoru (and even Suguru at times) it’s hard to tell.

“Jealousy doesn’t suit you,” Suguru replies blithely. “Maybe you’ve been neglecting me.”

You busy yourself with your lukewarm cup of tea, unsure of what to do. A second’s glance upwards and you’re met with an amused glint in Suguru’s eyes and a lazy grin curling at his lips.

If Suguru was lonely maybe that was why he sought you out in the first place. The more you think about it, the more it makes sense. You’re not one to comment on things that aren’t your business in the first place, but it seems more and more likely.  You knew their boundaries. They knew you’d never push for anything they don’t want. If Satoru doesn’t like Sasaki-san, maybe they compromised on you.

You think back to Suguru’s words. They’ve settled on a compromise. That’s what you are, a compromise. The thought consoles you. In the end, it’s nothing serious. Nothing you should have given more than a second’s consideration. It’s as insignificant as a loose lipped comment. The two of them will have stopped fighting now. You’re glad for it.

Satoru snorts. “Neglecting you right into her open arms,” a derisive twist of his lips, “or should I say le—” 

“She seems very nice!” You exclaim, sweating. “It’s not very nice of you to say things like that, Satoru.” You chide lightly, before you smile brightly at Suguru. “She’s very pretty.” You hope you come off encouragingly so that you can convey to Suguru that you are on his side. “She seems wonderful.” 

Suguru blankly smiles back.

Luckily you’re saved from having to salvage the conversation when there’s a knock at the door. Your waitress returns with a cart of food, quickly laying down platter after platter. It doesn’t stop until almost every open space on the long wooden table has been filled with seafood. You stare at it. The abundance of it all. Maybe Satoru shouldn’t have doubled everything…

Your tea is refilled as Suguru murmurs his thanks. When the waitress takes her leave you’re still staring at all the food, unsure of where to even start when Suguru sets a stacked plate down in front of you.

You stare at the colorful array of sashimi and uni and the perfectly cooked wagyu. Your stomach already hurts at the coming richness of the meal, but now that the load of potentially ending Satoru and Suguru’s relationship has been lifted off of your shoulders you’re a bit hungrier than you were when you arrived.

Satoru keeps on loading your plate with more and more food. You pick up your chopsticks, intent on slowly shaving down the precariously tilting seafood tower on your plate when he conversationally asks, “So how was Nagoya?” as he places a large piece of uni on your plate.

You think of a sobbing, blood stained child clutching his mother’s severed hand in his arms. Then you think of Megumi.

Your appetite dies, stomach curling inwards.

They don’t know, you think as you look at the both of them seated across from you, waiting for your response. It was classified as a grade 2 mission after all. Two worlds shattered, and it hadn’t even merited a full time auxiliary manager. It’s considered beneath them now, eliciting the same mundane response as Suguru asking Satoru to check the week’s weather so that he can put umbrellas in the kids’ backpacks. The other week Suguru captured a curse that could have easily leveled Tokyo with a crushing tsunami. Satoru had been away in Malaysia.

It was just another child alone in the world, another corpse, another casualty.

You stare at your cup of tea. You hear Nanami’s gentle, quiet murmur in your ears. I heard.

You wonder if this is something you should even bother them with. There are always more important things to worry about than one of your bad days. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. Not really. You don’t matter. You never have.

“It was fine,” you hear yourself say. It was horrible. You’ve been having nightmares again. It’s been a long time since an assignment hit you this hard. “Just another assignment.”

“Did something happen?” Satoru stares you down.

“Not much.” You reply easily, wondering when it had gotten so easy to lie to them. Just about the small things.

You silently pick at a piece of hamachi. It’s not your place to get involved. You can’t get involved in the tragedy of all the assignments that make you feel as if everything you’ve ever done is redundant, even if you can logically acknowledge you’re unlikely to make a real difference. Not on a real, tangible level. It still makes you feel horrible. 

You are suddenly, very, very tired.

“Are the kids home?” You want to see Megumi, wrap your arms around him, and squeeze him tightly just to reassure yourself he’s okay. You want him to never have to worry about jujustu society or the responsibility of being a jujustu sorcerer. You want him to be able to choose. It’s wishful thinking. It’s already late and the four of them should be getting ready for bed. You wish you could just hold Megumi, Tsumiki, and the twins. The four of them are so young, and already too old.

Suguru’s smile turns affectionate. “The twins are asleep by now. They had a late night yesterday. But Tsumiki’s probably still up doing her homework. I’m not sure about Megumi…”

“Probably sleeping,” you confirm. An early sleeper, and early riser. The boy had his habits.

“You wanna stop by?” Satoru asks casually.

You blink. You must be imagining the suggestion in his voice. 

“I was just wondering about the kids,” you rush out, embarrassed for having even thought it in the first place. Of course not. It’s not as if they were expecting anything from you right now. If anything, you should bring the night to a wrap so the two of them can get back home instead of having to entertain you. “It’s getting pretty late out though, isn’t it? Maybe we should call it a—”

“You haven’t touched your food,” Suguru lightly frowns and although his displeasure isn’t aimed at you, you still feel somewhat chastened. “Still not hungry?”

“A-ah…” You pick your chopsticks once again. “Thank you for the meal,” you murmur, taking a bite of the first thing your chopsticks come into contact with. Octopus. You realize that it might have been rude of you to not eat anything when they’ve so graciously invited you to an expensive restaurant like this. Now that you’ve taken a complimentary swallow, you look up at them expectantly. “I don’t want to keep you two—”

“Maybe we should order some drinks,” Suguru takes a couple of bites out of his own food. “Satoru needs something sugary or he’ll be too restless to sleep tonight.” He sighs forlornly, despite his lips pulling into a teasing smile. “When he gets in a mood, he likes to push me around in bed.”

You blink.

Suguru looks at him, fond. “He’s a horrible sleeper.”

Satoru huffs. “And you love me for it.” A thoughtful pause. “I could use a drink.”

“Great.” Suguru presses the button on the table. It doesn’t take a full minute until your waitress appears in the room. “Your most sugary nonalcoholic drink and a cup of sugar. I’ll take a bottle of your most expensive Junmai Daiginjo. Two cups.”

You open your mouth to object, but Suguru beats you. There’s a concerned look on his face. “Is there something wrong with the food? I thought you would have at least finished your plate…”

Your waitress almost imperceptibly freezes, the smile high on her face. You look to her in a panic. “It’s delicious!” You look to Suguru and say once again, “It’s delicious!”

Satoru looks a few seconds away from breaking into loud laughter. He succumbs, snickering into his elbow.

Suguru breaks into a smile. “I’m glad. You’ll eat some more, won’t you?” Then to the waitress, he says, “Two cups.”

The waitress hightails it out of the room after a bow. You stare at your plate in silence as Suguru and Satoru have a pleasant conversation about how although Satoru hates going to the Zenin compound, he had found something interesting there the last time he visited (two weeks ago). Your ears perk when Suguru says heavenly restriction.  

You take another bite of the food on your plate, intent on finishing half of it before your waitress comes back in an effort to make her feel more comfortable.

This time, your drinks are delivered by a waiter. You feel bad for your waitress who had probably asked to be transferred to a different room. Suguru pours you a cup as Satoru takes a long sip of what looks like a strawberry cream float. It looks like something out of an amusement park cafe, but Satoru looks satisfied.

You’re about to ask about the heavenly restriction, when Satoru eyes you.

“I should feed you,” he announces.

You stare at him. “What?”

He stands up abruptly. You watch as he makes his way to your side of the table in three long steps, and plops down next to you. He takes a large piece of uni and holds it up to your lips. 

“Open up!” He says cheerily.

You do not open up.

He’s making fun of you, you’re sure of it. “You don’t need to feed me,” you say pointedly. You look to Suguru for help, but you only get a grin in response.

“Indulge him,” it almost sounds sympathetic. “He’s in a mood.”

Up close, his eyes are piercingly determined. You relent, opening your mouth as Satoru places the uni in your mouth.

“Now be good and finish your food,” he says smugly. “Or you can finish the rest on my lap.” 

You stare at him in unabashed horror.

"At least try to look somewhat interested," Satoru deadpans.

Suguru snorts.

Under the threat of Satoru’s continued intervention, you slowly make your way through your plate as Suguru refills your cup. Time passes in a blur. Satoru is warm next to you, shoulder pressed to yours, and you resist the urge to lean on his shoulder. It’s almost reflexive, to sink into him. The two of them quietly talk about a child called Zenin Maki. You force your shoulders straight while their voices drift in and out, feeling your eyelids slowly dragging shut.

You blink when Suguru says your name. The two of them are looking at you.

“Sleepy?” Suguru inquires.

You slowly nod. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I should go.” You gather your things, but when you rifle through your bag to find your keys you realize they aren’t there. You pat your pockets, search your bag once more, and still. “My keys…”

Satoru lifts a finger to your face, the ring of your keys looped around his index. You reach out to grab it but Satoru lifts it away. You’re confused. Those are your keys. You reach for them again, but Satoru swiftly moves away. You’re debating on stopping him with your cursed technique. Infinity isn’t on, you can tell.

“Satoru—”

“How about a kiss first?” He murmurs, leaning in, lips hovering close.

Your bottom lip throbs, as if remembering the shape of Satoru’s teeth and the way it had drawn blood.

…

…

…

You’re already putting on your shoes. Satoru must have sneaked a few sips of Suguru’s alcohol. He’s drunk.

“I’ll stay somewhere else tonight,” you say quickly. Shoko would probably still be up. If not, there were always hotels around. In the morning you’d ask your building’s super to open your door. You have a spare key inside.

Satoru sputters. “Hold on!”

Suguru laughs, long and loud. You relish the sound, despite your back being turned against him. He says your name.

You pause, meeting his gaze over your shoulder. To give him the benefit of doubt if anything. Suguru pats the floor next to him.

You eye him. Suguru’s expression is full of innocuous intent.

“At least let me look at you before you leave,” Suguru sighs out. “Before you leave us again.”

Suguru looks sad. It makes you feel…kinda bad. You have been busy lately, haven’t you? (Avoiding the two of them.) You don’t like it either. You’re glad this dinner has resolved most of your worries. You crawl to him, intending to say your goodbyes to his face, but Suguru takes your hand.

You aren’t sure how you end up on his lap. You really aren’t. You were on the floor and now you aren’t, and Suguru’s chest pressed to your back. You open your mouth and then figuring against it, you close your mouth. You opt for staring down at your own lap and trying to stay still enough to rival a statue. 

Suguru’s arms wrap around your waist. “Much better,” he murmurs, playing with the hem of your dress that reaches down to your ankles. “I like this color,” he says conversationally, as if your mind isn’t white blanket quiet in your panic. “Did Shoko get this for you?” His lips brush your ear.

You nearly bolt but Suguru’s arms hold you down.

“Pfft.”

You give Satoru a wide eyed look pleading for help from where he’s made himself comfortable on the floor in front of you, lying on his side, head propped up to the side by a hand. 

…You hadn’t expected Satoru to help.

You really didn’t.

You feel your will to flee slowly drain out of you. Prey resigning itself to be dinner.  

“Shoko…picked it out.”

“She likes dressing you,” Suguru says with a small laugh, releasing your hem and hiking your skirt up high enough for his hand to slide up your thigh in a caressing gesture. “How about you give Satoru and I a turn next?”

You blankly burn a hole into your lap, deathly mortified. “That’s…” a little embarrassing, you think. Why would they ever want to do that? Satoru is looking so intently at you that he could be jealous, and you think you might be sick. After all that talk about Suguru feeling neglected…

“Like…another dress?”

Suguru hums.

“...Shoes?”

Suguru laughs. You can feel his smile. "Among other things."

“S-Suguru,” you start, putting your hand over his arms locked around you. “I should really get going…”

He sighs, and you can feel it in his chest. “Right. Of course.”

You wait for him to loosen his arms, to free you, but he doesn’t move.

“...Suguru—”

“Kiss tax!” Satoru interrupts, suddenly in front of you. He’s insistent, leaning into you once again with a hand on your thigh, except you have nowhere to back away but into Suguru. “Just one and you’ll be on your way!”

This is humiliating. You want to die.

Satoru’s face hovers closer and closer. Without thinking you intercept his lips with a hand, muffling his mouth.

“We shouldn’t,” you blurt out. “Not in public.”

Satoru doesn’t deign you with a response. Instead his gaze exaggeratedly sweeps the room, as if to emphasize the lack of other people. 

Someone could come in. Anyone could see. They don’t want to be accidentally seen with… you. “Nobody can know.” Then for good measure you say it again. “Nobody can know.”

Satoru isn’t happy. You can tell by the press of his lips. Suguru’s gaze bears into the top of your head. But you’re worried about their prospects. About everything they might regret. It’s best to keep this a secret. They’ll thank you for it later, you’re sure.

“Who car—”

“Please.”

Satoru momentarily glances upwards. He’s still unhappy. “Fine. Right Suguru?”

“That’s right,” you hear him say from behind you. His tone is carefully measured. You don’t want to look at him, and you can’t discern his feelings either. “A secret.”

You exhale. “Thank you.”

After a second of agonizing hesitation, you lean forward and press a small, short kiss to Satoru’s waiting lips. When you pull back, you shyly say, “kiss tax paid.”

“That was nothing,” Satoru says immediately. “Ten more.”

You frown.

“You forgot someone.” Suguru’s voice is light, almost chiding.

You didn’t forget. You just hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this. You turn your head to the side and lean in. Suguru meets you halfway, lips soft on your own. Almost immediately, Suguru’s arms go lax, as a hand comes up to cup your face, thumb running along your cheek.

It lasts a second longer than Satoru’s kiss, which is already enough to get him whining about timing the length of your kisses which means more kissing.

All that matters is that you’re finally free. You jump to your feet, swipe your shoes, and run out the door without a second thought.

[mallowstep]

(Reed anon again)

Just--wtf did Riverclan do with Reedpaw when everyone was rescued? Even in Canon? Like, poor fucking Mistyfoot--two of her kits are with her, but her third and final kit is still in enemy territory, still underneath Tigerstar's paw, Blackfoot is still his mentor. If even a *hint* of Reedpaw's true parentage got out, he'd be fucked. He and Leopardstar would both probably be dead, Leopard carrying Tiger's legacy or not. Tbh I wouldn't doubt Tigerstar'd be petty enough just to kill all of Riverclan itself. Like...Greystripe, you fucking LIVED in Riverclan for a few fucking MOONS. How do you forget or at least NOT recognize/remember the queen that nursed your kits' own kits? You told Firestar you visited them every chance you had. Like...Grey, I get you were worried for you daughter, but dude...you left a child who you saw as a baby to a toddler (thereabouts) under a war criminal. Someone you KNOW had a subordinate who was not against poisoning kits with deathberries. Someone who tried to kill his OWN apprentice. Then, in the Leopard AU, this kid is stuck in the apprentices den during the rescue. Leopardstar and Mudfur cannot get him out without alerting Shadowclan Apprentices. They chose Mistyfoot and Featherpaw's heath and safety (which, at this point it's better than nothing.) And Misty has to choose Feather when Mudfur leads them out of their prison. He then gets to see the absolute horror of his LEADER, murdered, loose a life, to this Monster, see her go through what his mother did, only that IT'S far, far, worse than anything that'd been done at this point. He sees his clan's medicine cat turn against their leader, verbally agreeing and harassing her...just... this poor boy.. In Canon, Misty Au, Leopard AU it all sucks. Dark AU, not so much--still horrific, but Blackfoot is Reed's father in that one, so as his mentor Reed's safety is somewhat assured had Tigerstar not realized Reedpaw was Misty's kit, and that Misty's kits had not all died.

oh my god anon why r u so Damn Good at making me feel things

okay okay okay hm. i'm just gonna -- yeah i'm just gonna put the whole thing under a cut bc i'm a lil too tired to do the thing where i start with the pg-13 and below stuff and then do a cut.

cw: sexual assault, parent being involved in sexual assault of child

heck if i know. i'm like. 100% sure mistyfoot's kits were forgotten about. they were nameless characters for a Long time. reedpaw isn't in any of the allegiances for riverclan in tpb. i...like. i've read tpb how many times? and i honestly didn't know mistyfoot had kits until i checked out the warriors wiki and was like. oh. she had kits? with blackclaw? what the fuck?

i wouldn't put money on it, but i have a feeling the scene involving mistyfoot and her kits could be read as riverclan kits in general. again, wouldn't put money on that, it's just a hunch.

anyway, i kind of just. mistyfoot could have had another litter in the year between tpb and tnp, or during po3, or literally any other time and then we wouldn't have the reedpaw problem (tm).

WAIT

WAIT WAIT WAIT I WAS LOOKING AT THE WARRIORS WIKI AND

HE'S AN APPRENTICE IN TNP

what the FUCK

he's fucking like. several YEARS old. he's 2 and a half years old and he's a fucking apprentice oh my god just give mistyfoot a second litter it is not that hard.

actually. since mistyfoot's litter isn't named...new hc that reedwhisker is a different litter? hm. anyway.

my tangent on the reedpaw problem aside;

oh yeah, he's so fucking dead. imo prob not him and leopardstar -- riverclan would Riot if their leader was killed, and tbh, so would part of shadowclan -- but him and blackclaw. damn.

and yeah? idk? god. i don't know. tbf he's not in prison i don't even know. altho. actually, to give greystripe some credit -- the fact that mistyfoot doesn't ask to go back for him and how risky the riverclan rescue is, i think "not going back" is actually a reasonable choice.

honestly do we have an erin statement that reedwhisker is part of the same litter as prim and co. it's not on the wiki. i want to know. because i think everyone just assumed he was and -- maybe there is a statement but i want to see it.

because mistyfoot is not the type to abandon her kit. like. what? no. mistyfoot? mistyfoot? my brother just died but i am fucking fine get me the hell out of here mistyfoot? no i know i'm starving but like hell you can apprentice featherpaw to someone else mistyfoot? you're telling me SHE would leave a kit behind without so much as a word about him? fat fucking chance.

in conclusion, unless someone can provide evidence an erin said reedwhisker was part of mistyfoot's first litter, i'm going to assume the intention was that he was a second litter.

and back to the actual topic, now that i'm done for real hopefully.

yeeep. he can't be rescued. and -- mistyfoot has very few choices here. featherpaw is dying, reedpaw is safe for the moment, she won't get another chance. she's not happy about it -- she misses him so terribly much -- but she doesn't. yeah. god. that angst. i hope like. someone somehow just Tries to let reedpaw know it wasn't voluntary.

(i'm not Much One for "you left me you didn't love me" angst if you Can't tell. a pinch of it for flavour, but not as a main plot line, y'know? nothing wrong with it it's very good i just don't like writing it.)

god -- god. in my mind tigerstar takes the life from leopardstar privately bc riverclan would fucking riot but just. reedpaw realizes what's happening. so he follows bc of course he does. he's not the reason tigerstar knows what's going on, but he thinks he is.

and he's there hiding and he sees tigerstar kill leopardstar and hears him tell mudfur what's going to happen and he's sitting there in a bush or something just trying not to so much as twitch because he's so dead if tigerstar finds him. he's so fucking dead.

so he just sits there until long after tigerstar and leopardstar and mudfur have left and when he gets back to camp everyone wonders where he went and he can't explain.

and it feels terrible but he realizes tigerstar is still gloating over everything because as pissed as he is that he lost mistyfoot -- now he's truly taken out every thread of riverclan's leadership.

(frankly no i still think tigerstar's most effective control method for riverclan would be to tell stonefur that if he messes up, he'll kill the apprentices and/or mistyfoot and/or rape mistyfoot, and do leopard au on leopardstar, therefore getting all 3 riverclan leaders in blind obedience to him. he'd have to be much more discrete about leopardstar, maybe convince the clans it's a political thing, i'm not sure. the point is, nothing would Visibly be wrong, all three leaders are just going for this, and so of course riverclan would go along with it. but tigerstar's too much of a prideful asshole to appreciate another culture in enough depth to manipulate them effectively.)

anyway. so reedpaw realizes like -- ah yes. i'm escaping punishment because tigerstar is distracted. and -- god. yeah. oh my god.

and at first like -- he doesn't like. witness anything. tigerstar has some sense of subtly. not a ton -- but enough. direct evidence would be a problem. so no, reedpaw is just sitting with this knowledge in his head. mistyfoot escaped and she was carrying tigerstar's kits (was she? he hadn't seen her he misses her so much he hopes prays she's safe), so now leopardstar is going to.

and the thing about letting things sit like that is that the brain is very, very powerful.

(He called my mother a whore, Reedpaw thinks, and he wants to throw up when he remembers it.

Tigerstar and Leopardstar and Mudfur are having a conversation again and Reedpaw thinks of how Tigerstar would wrap his tail around Mistyfoot, like they were mates, and he wonders what Tigerstar would say if he didn't have to pretend.)

so. you know. yeah. good angst oh my god.

and now mudclaw has flipped from -- one of his best protectors to a great enemy. see, here's the thing. tigerstar only tells mudfur he's going to make him watch. leopardstar ain't dead that long. so reedpaw doesn't know what shadepelt knows and shadepelt would tell him but if shadepelt tries to talk to reedpaw...bad for the both of them.

and reedpaw is around blackfoot and blackfoot is a good guard and how long until -- reedpaw is asked to tell blackfoot something while blackfoot is on guard and he hears mudfur say, "You're a slut like your mother" and he -- can't. maybe he freezes, can't remember what he was supposed to tell blackfoot.

("Spit it out," Blackfoot says, but Reedpaw can't remember why he's even here.

"Even your own father thinks you're just a useless whore," Tigerstar says. He's not speaking loud -- Reedpaw would have to strain to hear the words if his entire world hadn't narrowed down to them.

"Reedpaw," Blackfoot growls. "Spit it out.")

hm. yes. god. bad. good. damn.

and yes the dark au seems like. once again "the angst is very different so i don't know how to rank its magnitude because emotions don't work like that" but. on one hand -- his dad. protection. safety. good. on the other -- his dad really did let two of his siblings die and his mom get raped, huh.

hm. good stuff.

[zirkkun]

Yo you have every right to be upset about things! You're still a person with your own feelings and deserve to be treated kindly. No one should come at you for making things you enjoy or for misunderstandings. I hope things get better for you even if I wasn't here for when all the drama happened (or maybe I was and just wasn't aware of it? I tend to avoid drama as much as possible tbh)

I didn't really post about it much. I think I answered about 4 asks about it (three of them in the same post because i was sure it was the same anon due to the similar string of seemingly continued messages) and the rest I just deleted as soon as they came in, but I got... A lot. A lot of mean things said too. Kinda hurts when you wanted to make something because you knew this work was highly criticized and wanted to let people give it a second chance only to be shot down by the people you were hoping to defend lol

In short, and a lot of it I missed because I was blocked by a lot of people so my friend sent me screencaps; someone took I believe only the old ask box post I had for ULR, which at the time was called "Underlust Rewrite," and was disgusted at the fact that everything was revamped and "made for kids" (because it's not 18+ explicit content, but as I've said before, it's just cause I'm too scared to be horny on main, and I've literally made a whole different biological system for ULR so I can write the necessary story ""sex scenes"" without it being human-like sex or otherwise uncomfortable or too explicit for me to draw, but I still consider it a mature story overall), so they blocked me instantly here and on twitter and then made a callout post on twitter itself. People were telling me originally to stop calling the AU Underlust, and I didn't really get it at first, because like, what's the difference between my spinoff and, say, Underlust Gold, Swapfell Indigo, TS!Underswap, you know, names that have add-ons from the original title to differentiate it but still connect it to the source. So that's what I said, as well as if I removed the Underlust name, it would be considered stealing to me, because I'd be disconnecting it from the source. But apparently, instead, what had been the concern was that it was just being called "Underlust" and the "Rewrite" aspect was implying I was replacing the original story, which like, had never been my intention and I've made a bunch of things with both the ULR and UL cast together and love the idea of Lust and Ace meeting up and just being a disaster duo of not working together at all. I just adore Underlust like it's in my pinned FAQ, Lust's been in my banner for months now, and he's practically my staple pfp character on every account but here atm.

It took like 3 days for it to actually click what was going on, because once I finally got the chance to have a conversation with someone where they weren't telling me I was the scum of the Earth -- which, honestly, bless the three people I talked to, they were so sweet (which actually included someone from the Japanese side of the fandom whose art I loved too... yeah it got pretty far. Once I sent them a message though it was cleared up quickly and they did post a clarification post about ULR and me, so that was nice to see.) -- I finally got the chance to realize that this was a misunderstanding from the beginning, from both sides, where people coming at me were saying I was doing all of the stuff above and probably more but those stuck the most, while I was confused as to where this information and accusations were coming from and what they were referring to in the first place. They probably never explained it in the anon asks because, well, they probably assumed I knew what I was doing, but when they came at me about something I didn't do with vague context of something I did do, I was very confused, and got really defensive really quickly, and really honestly snapped pretty hard. After my first initial explanation post and people were still trying to tell me to stop ULR/don't call it Underlust/whatever else there was, I just got tired and told people to block me if they didn't like it. But that didn't really stop anyone and honestly made it worse because that's when I started getting really nasty messages. I like... Specifically remember one where someone called me a lowlife and a thief, and that one stuck the most, but I tended to not read through them before deleting them for my own sanity. I actually did this to one of the people who'd later talked to me calmly about it at first too, because I had just woken up, and really didn't want to read an essay lecture on everything everyone's been telling me at the crack of 7am when I was borderline ready to delete my account and start over lol

Some people I do remember were accusing me of trying to censor nsfw content or erase it as well because ULR isn't 18+, and I'm out here on my horny ass like "wh. What are they talking about, where did you get that idea, have you SEEN my ao3 recommended list," /j but in all seriousness I really didn't understand that accusation at all because I've never been against nsfw content in the slightest and lowkey? This is very dumb -- but like, you know how they say when you get hate mail, you know you've made it? Well, for me, my thought has always been, "When there's 18+ fancontent of my OC's, I'll have finally made it." This is... Not a joke, some of my friends think its very weird LMAO oh well. I've been on the internet for far too long at this point -- like, definitely since I was far too young, probably, and being with a family of the next youngest being 12 years older than me, I really dove into stuff pretty quickly I definitely shouldn't have, but hey that's life -- I'm really unfazed by mostly anything now. Hell, me making ULR was honestly half motivated by me wanting to make others more comfortable with this kind of media, discussing sexuality and otherwise sexual-considered topics, without really being embarrassed or bothered by it. Because, people talk about death and killing and whatever other gorey stuff just fine, but the moment sex comes up, people just gasp in awe, y'know? I kind of grew up that way myself but like... ironically, in being more comfortable with my asexuality, I realized that it's honestly not that big of a deal. Sure, we don't need to hear the details of everything. We don't need to hear the details of a murder either. But I will never understand how murder is always the lowest on the "morally wrong list of things to not to" to so many people and that it's fine to mention, but even consider bringing up anything else and it's like, a sin and you're a bad person. Even racism is like, higher up on there for a lot of people, which it's like... this is an issue that needs to be discussed, or it can never be solved. You can't just kick that away and hope it goes away on its own, that's never how it works.

Ah, well, now I've gone off tangent lol. Sorry to make you read a blob of text lmao but having things in a cohesive format of what I've been thinking does feel a bit better. Thank you for the support regardless, and I do want to keep making what I really enjoy, because frankly, I really want to make things that make people take a step back and think for a moment, y'know? Things that invoke like a realization in yourself about something you didn't even know. That's how fiction's always been for me, so I want to give back by making it that way too. ... maybe my horny content is exempt from this however. That's just. Self indulgence LMAO.

Probably helps that I'm actually talking this all out for once, too, since before any of this I tried to keep as much of the situation contained to myself as possible in hopes I could clean it up before it got too bad. That was, in hindsight, probably a terrible idea lol. But I didn't want to be a source of stress for anyone following me or become the new creator-to-defend that like, 50% of people hate and 50% of people love and that you're either on one side or the other and there's no where in between. (I feel like Arin Hanson comes to mind for me every time I think of someone like this.) I know I can't please everyone and I knew internet hate would come eventually, but like, didn't expect it to be over a name or tag choice. I thought that would be a simple enough DM or clearable thing but apparently not, especially since I saw someone a few weeks ago delete their blog over a similar thing (though, the opposite, in a way: posting nsfw in a sfw tag by mistake). It wasn't in the UT fandom so y'all probably weren't following them (tbf I wasn't either, I just witnessed it happen from start to finish), but it was still disheartening.

Anyway, thank you, and sorry to make ya read all of that (if you actually did vahdbs don't blame you if you don't it's a lot of thought dump lmao)💕💕

[canonicallyanxious]

Previous anon! I think you mentioned a literature degree in a post a while back. (But the tags you left on the ask certainly showed evidence of it haha). I was curious and wanted you to talk about it but wasnt sure if i should straight up say "pls talk about your degree i am very interested and curious"

lollll i mean as a lit major i feel like i’m morally obligated to drag myself for it bc like i deserve it but yeah i’m down to talk about my degree!! uhhh idk if you have anything specific in mind, feel free to ask me whatever you want to know bc it turns out when asked to talk about my degree i don’t even know where to start rip also if you’re looking for someone who can advise you on what you can do with a lit major i am the wrong person to go to sdkjfnsdkjsnfd what i do for work now has basically nothing to do with what i studied but i’m honestly good with that bc it was always something i studied more because i wanted to than because i wanted to turn it into an actual career

Trying to remember what lit classes i liked the best... off the top of my head: contemporary women novelists, modern english lit, black literature in europe, post-colonial lit [by far my favorite lit class ever, that reading list fuckin slapped]; there was also a class that i don’t remember what it was called anymore but i loved it bc we read a lot of more nontraditional writing that also focused a lot on intergenerational trauma [so like Maus and the Photographer which are graphic novels were on the reading list, and we also read a poem called Zong! and experimental plays and things like that]

hmmm not knowing what specifically you wanna know about i guess i’ll just give some general thoughts about being a lit major [and tossing a cut here bc i got rambly... i’m sorry... you asked a lit major about being a lit major this is what happens i guess]

as one might expect it involves a fuckton of reading and writing literary analysis which might be a con for some but definitely not for me. but like i am the kind of asshole who actually likes reading three books in a week and writing a 7 page close reading comparing the roles of Persuasion’s Ann Elliot and the Bride of Lamermoor’s Lucy so, you know, i certainly don’t expect what works for me to be a one-size-fits-all kind of thing lol

One thing I really liked with the classes i took was the opportunity to push back against the typical canon of the Dead White Man that i feel like was really prevalent in public school. tbf there was still quite a bit of that in some of my classes [James Joyce meet me in the fucking pit] but if you’re strategic with the classes you sign up for you really get the chance to get exposed to a lot of unique and diverse perspectives, i feel like the foundation i got in those classes helped me form a baseline for where to start in finding more literature like that

Although as mentioned i did still have a lot of issues with that in my department. like idk if that was just my school or being in undergrad or whatever but i feel like a lot of lit majors I knew had a very prescriptive view of what “counts” as literature, we got into so many discussions about what qualifies as ~art~ [which if you know me i think is such bullshit like who are we to judge what is more artistic than something else particularly when for so much of history what has been deemed ~proper literature~ was written by white men but anyway we don’t have to get into it right now lol] and while i got the sense that the culture was slowly changing while i was part of it i do still feel like there’s a lot about the lit academia world that still kinda has to catch up, like it can be a field rife with elitism and narrow-mindedness depending on where you are in it. but of course that’s just my own take on it! ymmv and all that

i feel like this major taught me way more about how to read than about how to write, like at my school at least especially in a lot of the upper level classes there was basically no guidance for how to write your papers you’re kind of already expected to know how to write good literary criticism? also tbh i didn’t always love writing papers, in fact sometimes it fucking sucked having to write long analyses about topics i didn’t give a shit about and sometimes you have to do a FUCKTON of writing about shit you don’t care about [especially during finals week rip college Sarah you will not be missed]. but i think the analysis skills i developed while studying lit are genuinely really valuable even if i don’t really do anything directly related to my field of study career wise, like they help me be more thoughtful about pretty much everything i read and watch from the news to fiction and also be more thoughtful about my choices in my own creative writing all of which i really appreciate esp since it’s stuff i’m interested in just in general so I definitely don’t regret this choice of study!

sidenote but big rip to anyone who goes into this major and likes reading for fun in their downtime sdfknsnf i had way too much reading always to do any of my own reading outside of class [anthro is a very reading/writing heavy major too BIG rip to college Sarah] and when i did have breaks i was like fuck no i’m not thinking about words until i ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO [by going back to class] [god i’m so glad i’m not in school anymore]

Lord that got rambly skjfnskdjfnsd idek if any of that is anything you’d be interested in but yeah feel free to ask me more specific questions if you feel like it! then maybe i won’t go off on a million tangents [disclaimer: i probably still will]

[floweranarchist]

hey do u have any decent visual novels to reccommend.. would prefer free ones but eh if theyre cheap that's fine 2

i can def do some free visual novel recs for you!!! first, i’d recommend checking out some otome games i’ve recced, and some GL games i also rec. there’s freebies on both lists!! 

but in OTHER free visual novels......

autumn’s journey - it’s TECH an otome game, but it’s very much more friendship focused. you play an aspiring knight travelling with two dragons - you can romance both of them, or you can have the third, friendship ending! it’s not a very long game, but it’s really solid and feel good.

yearning: a gay story - this game is 18+!!! if ur a minor DON’T play this game, even censored it’s p explicit. anyway you play a gay freshman in college dealing with his first college year! there’s lots of romance options and a TON of different ways you can play and it’s rlly interesting! it’s not entirely my cup of tea (more sexual than i prefer my games, especially given ur only playing a freshman.... like thats still a baby adult), but definitely worth a mention. you can get a lot of hours out of this one, trust me.

elven relations - this one’s a galge vn! i’ll be real i haven’t played this in... a LONG time but i remember i rlly enjoyed it! you play a knight trying to set up diplomatic relations with the elves n possibly fall in love along the way... i’ve played the creator’s other vn’s as well and remember liking them even if i don’t remember jack shit so prob worth trying out as well!!

lake of voices - DID YOU MEAN LITERALLY MY FAVORITE VISUAL NOVEL OF ALL TIME? NO LIE. I FUCKING ADORE IT. it’s a horror game where you play a woman named kikka who has to travel across a lake filled with monsters. if you like horror please PLEASE play this one. no matter what someone will die. you can die! it’s GREAT. i recommend starting with bemelle/margaret as ur first routes, and lu/the guide as secondary. but tbh you’ll prob end up twisting and turning ur way through and being unable to truly identify what path ur going on so like... yeah... ANYWAY THERE’S LEGIT TIMED CHOICES TOO IT’S JUST. GREAT.

nekojishi - it’s a gay furry vn about taiwanese folklore. it’s GRAND. i’m not done with it yet (the fucking car.... You Will Understand), but like. do u want to play a gay furry? and kiss big buff gay cat spirits? great! this is The Game For You. one of the romance options is uhhhh weird tbh but the other two are solid from what ive played and it’s just rlly fun! AND SO MUCH SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT OH MY GOD. idk shit abt the nsfw version, tho, i just play the censored steam one

christine love’s vn’s! - she has three free ones, digital: a love story, don’t take it personally babe it just ain’t your story, and cell phone love letter. they’re all connected like... spiritually - that’s prob the order i’d recommend playing them in? there’s definitely. uh. some not great stuff in them espesh the second (you can uhhh be a teach and romance a student PLEASE don’t do that) but they’re rlly solid experiences. so yeah! worth checking out.

finally, last but not least, these two deserve more than a bullet point. while i do have my favorites, true remembrance and narcissu are, imho, some of the BEST visual novels. like, period. they deal with very heavy topics - depression, suicide, etc. don’t read them if you can’t handle that, because they are absolutely heavy and ABSOLUTELY depressing and absolutely good. kay? so!

descriptions of these two under the cut, bc they’re long and contain those heavy topics. i HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend both of them - true remembrance changed my life, and that’s not hyperbole in the slightest.

true remembrance is a visual novel set in a crapsack of a world. i’ll copy tv tropes excellent description:  20 Minutes into the Future, the world has fallen to a pandemic of super-depression known as the Dolor, which eats away the affected's mind in a process called Psyche Corrosion, eventually leading to suicide. The only known cure is difficult and scarce; the only way to cure situational depression, after all, is to help those who suffer it past the memories causing it, or to destroy those memories completely. 

The government has decided that the latter option is faster, and cultivated a group of people called Mnemonicides ("memory killers") who can induce amnesia in their patients through a long treatment process, thus removing the Dolor and ending the Psyche Corrosion.Mnemonicides are scarce, and they work in one sleepy, snowy town, where their patients ("Guests") are sent. The waiting list to get into this town is long, but the town itself is so cut off from the outside world that all that seems to matter is what happens inside it. True Remembrance is the everyday yet remarkable story of a Mnemonicide named Blackiris and his Guest, an extraordinary young girl named La.”

narcissu is a visual novel where you play a terminally ill young man. at the hospital he lives in, he meets a young girl with a terminal illness as well - as she says, it’s where they’re left to die. you either die there, or at home. and since neither of them want to do that... they steal a car, driving away to see the flowers... the Narcissus flowers...

both narcissu and true remembrance are VERY good. please don’t play them without expecting to cry (tho tbf im a crybaby). i hope u enjoy some of these!!!

[nikkiwriteswords]

Hey there! I have a TUA theory that's been going through my head for weeks, and I'd love to hear what you think of it/if you can expand it in any way. Basically, I wonder if the powers the Hargreeves siblings have are somehow linked to the country they were born in. Luther, who has a Norther-European-sounding name, has a Viking's strenght, Klaus is from Austria/Germany, countries with a long history of wars (and therefore, death), Vanya is from Russia, homeland to great composers... (1/2)

(2/2)… a friend of mine suggested that Five could be from England, a country which used to control most of the world, because he can go wherever he pleases. I have a couple of ideas about the others, but I’m less sure about them. I’d love to get your feedback on this, and maybe hear your ideas! I think you do a magnificent job on your account (I literally opened my account today cause I couldn’t get enough of the content in your blog!) All the love, and thanks in advance!

Hey! Oh wow, thank you so much!! It makes me so happy to know people are enjoying my blog - so much so that you started your own, that’s amazing! I’m looking forward to seeing what you write: this is a great theory to start with, and I have had some ideas about the characters’ origins before, so let’s see what we can tease out of it: Now, let’s start by saying that we don’t have actual canon confirmation of the siblings’ origin and ethnicities (at least not that I can recall). For one, it’d be inaccurate to try and assume anything from the comics because the style is not true-to-life. However, what we can say is that Netflix’s casting choices for the show brought a much clearer diversity to our (anti)hero family. This is a good  backlash against the prevalent whitewashing in tv and film (specifically Hollywood) of the last few years, but (1, is it diverse enough? and 2) it raises the question of how far we should read into the ethnicities of the cast as reflective of the characters. We must be careful not to 1) confuse comic canon with tv canon, and 2) conflate or assume things about a character identity based on assumptions about the actor/actress, unless they are qualities the cast themselves want to give their character. For instance, I’ve no idea if Cody Ray Thompson is Jewish, but he has confirmed (along with sharing a ton of other personal headcanons) that Dave was Jewish, based on Dave’s surname in on the dogtags. Meanwhile, Robert Sheehan disguises his Irish accent, therefore we can’t assume Klaus is Irish just because Robert is. Accent is a pretty big signifier, tbf, so this one is probably pretty obvious. 

So what can we use as identifiers? Language cues, for one. Although it’s not conclusive evidence, we can theorise that Klaus knows a little German, and speculate that he wanted to feel connected to his German/Austrian heritage and distance himself from his upbringing. Therefore, from a linguistic perspective, names are also quite telling.      

(They could have always been picked out of a hat, of course, but that’s no fun, and name meanings are so beautifully subjective.) This actually ties in with my own ideas on name analysis and what they can tell us about each character. (It’s in my drafts somewhere, but it’s only rudimentary so far). I was inspired when I saw this post [x]. What I had not considered, though, is how their heritage might be alluded to through their powers. The point about Russian composers is really interesting. Of course, other countries have great composers too, so how do we prove that link? If I had any classical music knowledge, I’d look through both the comics and the show for songs Vanya plays, or  music associated with her in the show, or see if there’s any background details that could point to Russian composers in association with her character.  Klaus, Germanic, means ‘victory of the people’. It originated from the Greek Nikolaos (coincidentally… so does Nikki. Just throwing that out there). It sounds heroic, but Klaus is decidedly anti-heroic for most of the first season. So perhaps we can interpret him as, quite literally, not living up to his name. Then there’s the elephant in the room: his untapped potential. Within that meaning, ‘victory of the people’, there’s connotations of conflict (and therefore death); revolution; the underdog rising up out of oppression. As Klaus does. Of course, if we’re talking about German heritage and conflict, we’ve got to mention WW2. There could be tenuous parallels to be made between Reginald and toxic ideologies like Nazism, and the outfit he wears as he stands in the door of the mausoleum did remind me of the uniforms of SS soldiers in Schindler’s List. But honestly, that would need fact-checking against reality, not another movie, and I don’t really want to touch Nazism any further than that without proper research. Nonetheless, I do wonder what the reaction would be to a man with a German name meeting a man with a Jewish name just 20 years after the end of WW2. However, I’d be more inclined to think about that name meaning again - victory of the people - and how it might allude to the Berlin Wall. But again, I’d need to research, because I know next to nothing about it. Could any of this explain his power to see the dead, though? If Klaus was intended to be Germany personified, specifically history of Germany wars and ideological conflicts, I’d say - it’s a stretch. There could be something there about carrying your past with you, learning from it instead of rejecting it, but it’s too vague. I also had brief thoughts on Luther. It is also a Germanic name, likewise derived from Greek, and means ‘soldier of the people’. In Greek, it derives from a word meaning ‘free’. Now, Luther is the conventional hero to Klaus’s antihero. (Does that place them on two sides of the metaphorical wall?) Where Klaus does not live up to his name, Luther does. He is the people’s soldier, with the strong moral conviction to protect and dish out justice. To that end, strength plays into that image. That said, I don’t know if there’s any signifiers from Luther’s character about his ethnic origins other than his name. However, the German theologist Martin Luther, founder of Lutheranism, is thought to be a key namesake for ‘Luther’. Martin Luther was seminal to the Reformation of the Roman Catholic Church, from which Lutheranism was born. Of course, the topic of religion might not relate directly to Luther, but the ideological crisis surrounding the Protestant Reformation - devote worship of a higher power, and a crisis of free will following challenges to predestination (all events in one’s life are predetermined by God) - could be equated with Luther’s crisis of faith in Reginald. All that being said, I also have a very vague recollection from my research that it also literally means ‘strong’. So. Mystery solved?As for Five, I really don’t think we can conclude anything that wouldn’t be pure headcanon. He’s an enigma, and is likely to stay that way. The only thing I can say is that his name - just a number - makes him elusive, hard to pin down, just like his powers.    And, just a final thought: what purpose would it serve, to have heritage linked to powers? Sure, there’s the implication of the effect it has on identity as a whole, which is the underlying assumption of this entire post. But what else does it imply, to use these powers for good (or bad)? Global unification? We know that Hargreeves’s entire purpose for the Academy is to ‘save the world’, but even though they are facing down the apocalypse, the show makes it feel very personal, not universal. A family united.