#talking out your feelings
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akanemnon · 4 months ago
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I don't like this place. It's turning everyone edgy and sad.
FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT
MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)
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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 2 months ago
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Look what we've become.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#Initially I wanted to do a 'Mutiny' quote to follow the 'Luck runs out' quote.#But the musical earworms demanded a different blood to be drawn. And I think it works just as well.#Alright. It's time to confess something. I really struggled with this comic. I didn't want to draw it. Then I didn't want to upload it.#Because I knew I would be here in the tags writing and backspacing for hours trying to articulate my thoughts.#I'm going to talk about death and grief in the tags today so this is your WARNING to look away if you aren't in a headspace for it.#Sometimes in media there are scenes and characters which land on topics so specific to your wounds that it reopens them all over again.#Because here's the truth. When you've known someone like this for nearly your whole life...it doesn't matter how bad the fight is.#You always think 'We'll always have time. One day this dust will settle and we'll rebuild the bridge.'#And then the fucker dies!!! He dies and suddenly there will never ever be time to repair the rift.#Someone you loved died thinking you hated them. And part of you did just a bit. But love and hate aren't mutually exclusive.#He's fucking dead and you are left with so many broken and unfinished pieces between the two of you.#Jiang Cheng loses Wei Wuxian thinking that WWX thought they hated each other.#He's a younger brother who will one day be older than the person he lost.#Who has no one else in the world who understands those feelings of love and hate and grief.#I can't be normal about this character. I don't think he even heals me. Zero catharsis to be gained here.#I just look at his sour grape ass and think 'shit that's a little too close to home.' JC is my discomfort character.#I'm probably going to regret being this vulnerable in the tags in like. An hour. So. sorry if you see this once and never again.#EDIT: Yeah sorry this took 4 hours to muster the courage to post. Surprise update!#EDIT 2: You guys were being too nice to me on my sad comic to point out the spelling error. I have fixed it now B'*)
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vaguely-concerned · 10 days ago
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the strength it must have taken for illario to not immediately go full 'lmao since when have you even had a kiss hello lucanis' sibling violence mode during the café talk. inspirational. rook and lucanis really were doing all that right in front of his salad huh
#lucanis is being SO cringe with that line right out there in public and I would die for him. it's just such a weird thing to say#tbf if anyone in the world is used to the insane things lucanis says and would go 'yes yes lucanis waxing poetic about coffee#in ways normal people reserve for trying to get in someone's pants (the roast won't fuck you lucanis)#we've all heard it' like it's all normal I suppose it would be illario. and also he's too busy with the 'shit fuck shit he's not dead#he's not dead of the family members 'supposed' to be dead we're at two definite failures out of two and woe me if the twain should meet#if that IS a demon in there it sure talks exactly in the same bizarre way only my cousin does#does that mean anything what the fuck do I do who do I kill about this' internal monologue I guess#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#illario dellamorte#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#I mean he does very much say that to a non-romancing rook too which only makes it all the more delightfully odd#is it a very lucaniscore way of testing the waters. is it just how he always talks about coffee. many plausible approaches here#no one forced him to bring up kisses and 'you should try it' out of the blue like that is all I'm saying. he could have acted normal#(theoretically)#i feel there are reasons to read some stuff into it lol#lucanis when rye says he prefers tea: it's so over cautious overture I don't quite understand myself yet gently rebuffed#lucanis when rye takes him up on the 'so what should a first kiss be' theme: oh we're so back!!!! wait. what. what do I do now#what is this#it's kind of really sweet that rook answers with their own playfully florid beverage based barely hidden metaphor at the end too#matching freaks and having fun with it#as far as lucanis is concerned rye's only true flaws are 1) prefers tea to coffee (oh well. no one can be perfect. cross-cultural love#can conquer all even in this) and 2) weird taste in interior design (did we really HAVE to bring your 15 foot tall corpse statues#with us home rook. I can understand a tasteful skull here and there but this seems excessive. well if it makes you happy I guess)
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the-trans-advice-blog · 11 months ago
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Please please please think of trans people of color when you’re going to make a generalized statement. When you’re making posts about passing tips, medical treatments for transitioning, even light hearted stereotypes include people of color in your sentiments.
As a black trans person it is so fucking isolating to see stuff I’m supposed to relate to only to find that they weren’t talking about me or people like me.
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jorenilee · 5 months ago
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good ace attorns
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ducktracy · 6 months ago
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there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not—“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
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mourn-and-watch · 2 months ago
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you know what. i actually love that trying to talk to solas was the last thing varric did and it ended in complete failure. especially if you put it in the context of his feelings about anders. varric was so bitter every time he mentioned him because he could not stop him. he didn't even realize that anders was up to something and when it was too late he started to think of him as of someone who destroyed that fragile peace in kirkwall that actually never existed.
it adds layers to the way he felt about solas. he believed that time he could stop a friend who simply lost his way. because varric tethras can talk anyone out of anything, can't he? anders was just too dodgy and self-centred and cut everyone off just like solas did but this time varric is completely prepared. surely. absolutely.
he could have never talked anders out of it even if he had known what was coming. he could have never talked solas out of it either. anders was a desperate person standing against (as varric himself put it) forces he couldn't possibly defeat. solas was a god standing against a couple of mortals and his own conscience buried under his guilt and regrets. being a good friend would not stop meredith's oppression. being a good friend would not stop someone who fears so much that all of the atrocities he committed were for nothing and would mean nothing at the end. varric died because he didn't realize it. he died and left his second in command with an immense guilt because they believed he knew solas enough to pull that off and there's something tragic about it
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wolfisblank · 2 months ago
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People who think the party forgives Siffrin too easily at the end of the game confuse me. Tbh I think their reactions were really realistic. Yeah if my friend said some really hurtful and deep-cutting shit I'd be upset but they were literally in the torture labyrinth for months where they died over and over and experienced catastrophic levels of OCD and had an abandonment issues mental breakdown of a cosmic scale... Like yeah I'm a little mad but I can be mad later??? I'm worried about my friend :(
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oposssumsaucee · 5 months ago
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No GURATHIN I was NOT punished by the company after 57 people died punishment is a stupid human thing. I was just forced into a coma like state for undisclosed amounts of time that typically involves dreams that aren't possible to wake up from and occasionally brought back to consciousness to run the fitness gram pacer test and other things after they purge not just the memory of the event happening but also anything and everything before that period of time. except my brain kinda remembers things happened but those memories are like ghosts that fade in and out against my will. It's whatever.
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knifearo · 9 months ago
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this year my challenge for everyone is to unlearn the association between love and morality. love is not something that is inherently morally good, and the absence of love is not something that is inherently bad. sex without love isn't morally bankrupt, it's just an action. people without love aren't less kind or less good, they're just people. when we can get past this false (and often unnoticed) dichotomy of good love/evil lovelessness then i think we are going to be able to take leaps and bounds in sex positivity, aro advocacy, certain discussions of mental health...
#and also. not the direct focus. but love doesn't make things good. you can be in love and do terrible terrible things.#people do bad things in the name of love and in despite of love all the time.#but!! imagine a world where people could exist as people and not be demonized.#sex positivity means being cool about All sex. reexamine your internal systems of moral judgement.#this goes for sex workers. for aroallo people. especially aroallo men. for aro people in general who might enjoy sex.#and frankly i think it can easily bleed into discussions about mental health disorders around 'not feeling' certain things#especially demonizing ppl who don't feel as much empathy. i think there's definitely a correlation between that and the emphasis on love.#our support needs to go out to Everybody and i think these things are all structured together in one way or another!!#it might not be immediately obvious but when i tell you it all leads back to amatonormativity..... little bit wild.... large bit wild....#anyway. horror movie psychopath 'oh he can't feel emotions or love' damn alright. well. let's take a closer look at that.#silly that there's an association between lack of love and Murdering. feel like that might affect some stuff.#love is just an emotion/a feeling it doesn't mean anything about you one way or another#same with empathy. you can feel it all you want but it doesn't inherently change the actions you choose to take#anyway. thesis statement. there is a socially constructed link between love and morality. unlearn that.#kiss kiss (<— lovelessly)#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#talking#aroace#aspec#sex positivity
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evercelle · 25 days ago
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2024 art summary! it sure has been a year
#ever makes art#i bsky tweeted a bit but it feels weird talking there still so ill do my usual rambling into tags here :)c#i burned out super bad in the middle of this year for months where it felt like i couldnt draw anything good no matter how hard i tried#and the harder i tried the worst it felt - to the degree that i legitimately thought i wasnt going to be able to draw anything again#which sounds SO dramatic i know i know. but feelings arent always rational!!! and so many others things were going wrong at the same time#so it was strange putting together this year's art summary and realizing Huh. i did still have paintings to put in every space#that fear/anxiety spiral seems even sillier and more meaningless now that i have distance and proof of how irrational it was...#...but in reflection i'd like to think of it as proof that even when you feel at your worse it's worth it to keep trying...!!#after the Black Hole of Nothing i've been working every day on never ending doujin and xv anthology and orv sketchzine and merch#i can't say that i feel my artistic skills have like. improved or anything... but the passion i feel for the stories i read and#the stories i want to tell is still there!! and the happiness from getting to put form to those feelings large or small is worth it too#anyway......... lotta words to say tho i haven't posted much anymore and socmed is imploding and the world is dark#thank you very much for staying with me another year. i am - as ever - always grateful
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 4 months ago
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All he knows is flirt with men and lie.
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fisherrprince · 3 months ago
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Instead of writing a fanfic like a normal person this oneshot turned into two separate, contextless things,
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#sorry it’s how my brain works (sometimes can only see things in terms of tv scene-)#tumblr exclusive video fancy…#dcmk#my art#(quietly coughing and spluttering) OK alright I can feel the creative brain explosion slowing down. geez#coughs.#nyways. weird that there hasn’t really been a main case where poison is involved in a certain way#If I watch my own scribbled boards for too long im gonna get too embarrassed to post. Send post#Subarus hair is still infuriating by the way like take that off your normal hair is easier. The beanie is easier#you like Have to have the side corners on this haircut or it doesn’t look right#anyways. shiho ptsd moments I think she kind of gets irritated that shinichi doesn’t react the same so when he does she gets like#weirded out and vindicated and a little protective. Like woah wait. Love that you understand me rn don’t like that you feel bad I am going…#to…………. ssssssssssit here about it…………………………….. uhhhh. do you want. a rubix cube to get your mind off it#I don’t want to talk about my feelings I just want you to get it. you don’t wanna talk about your feelings either which is……………. Hmmmmmm#I like her. love of my life miyano shiho#masumi sera#conan edogawa#ai haibara#akai shuichi#let conan swear. HE SWEARS A LOT BUT LET HIM SWEAR IN ENGLISH I KNOW HE KNOWS THEM#man needs his emotional support akai family they like him#rigorous trials to being approved by the akai matriarch but everyone else likes him already and have already picked him up multiple times#and shuichi would let him swear
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starry-bi-sky · 5 months ago
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my martha knight au in a nutshell:
Danny/Martha: see up here?
Danny/Martha: *taps skull*
Danny/Martha: intense psychological damage
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Danny/Martha: *upon finding out she's pregnant*
Danny/Martha: oh my god i cant be a mom, I'm fifteen and homeless--
Danny/Martha: im going to be a terrible mother--
Danny/Martha: i live in a cAR--
Danny/Martha: what if the baby inherits my powers? Oh no--
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Danny/Martha post giving birth: i've only had Bruce for a minute and a half but if anything were to happen to him i won't even need to fuse with Vlad, I'm razing this goddamn planet to the ground myself
Danny, to Baby Bruce: you are the last remaining thread of my sanity. I'm going to give you the world :)
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Danny/Martha prior to getting pregnant: Fuck it, if everything in my life has led to this moment, i'm allowed to make one stupid decision. I'm getting drunk and getting laid
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Danny/Martha while Bruce was a toddler: i swear to fucking god i am going to kill the next person who talks to me--
Bruce: hi mommy!! i brought you something!!!
Danny/Martha, immediately flipping on a dime: hi baby!! what do you have?
Bruce, a weird child like his mother: a spider :)
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Danny/Martha, talking to Falcone after he made an unsavory comment at her and Bruce: If you ever come near me or my son again, I will dig up your shithead father's corpse and make you eat his skin.
Danny/Martha: do you understand me
Falcone:... crystal, ma'am
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Danny/Martha new in Gotham: *getting mugged*
Danny/Martha: *grabs man's arm*
Danny/Martha: I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF LIKE A TWIG, FUCK BOY, DO YOU HEAR THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH--
(she then proceeds to terrorize Gotham's night life for the next extended period of time, mostly unintentionally)
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Danny/Martha: Danny Fenton?? No. you must be mistaken, my name is Martha Knight.
Danny/Martha: this here is my littlest knight, Bruce.
Danny/Martha: I made him all by myself :]
#if martha could become the joker in one timeline if bruce died then she had to have SOMETHIGN going on up there mentally. im all for it#im a 'martha wayne may have been secretly batshit' truther. subscribing to bruciemilf's portrayal of the wayne parents#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#fem danny fenton#female danny fenton#martha knight au#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpxdc au#dp x dc au#dp x dc#giving danny fenton psychological issues since 2022 folks#points at marthadanny: she's a hot mess with unprocessed trauma and psychological prblems. she's hanging on by a thread#LISTEN TO AFTER ALL BY CHRISTINE EBERSOLE THAT SUMS UP MARTHADANNY ENTIRELY#bruce your mom is even crazier than you. how is that possible. her trauma has trauma.#marthadanny: i dont wanna talk about my feelings OR my trauma i want to raise my son. go away#martha: who knew that being a child hero without any support would result in deeply rooted psychological issues and paranoia in spades#marthadanny: im fine (<- experienced liar. is not fine. please god someone restrain her before she claws someone's eyes out)#she has eyebags the size of the savanna and wields red lipstick like a weapon. she's going to rob a rich man blind. she has a baby to feed#what would a mother not do for her child? what heights would a mother not climb.#and you're shaken to your soul with an ache that you cant erase. like the tears you never cried but still keep scrubbing off your face.#there's a pain you cant imagine. the little talk that keeps you wide awake that somehow turns to bold determination that you wont ever make#the same mistake. so you've got to feed your little future and ensure her talent poise and charm might just grow up and save you after all#fun fact bruce and danny's birthdays are exactly one week apart. danny is Feb.12 and Bruce is Feb.19. take that as you will :)
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erinwantstowrite · 4 months ago
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the haters are trying to get me to care about canon. they're trying to get me to only fuck with canon. newsflash you stupid bitch if you are in a fandom space you are consuming fanon. i don't CARE that it's canon that bruce wayne has hit his kids in canon. i make my own world where it's common fucking sense that heroes are good people who would not be abusers. "human flaw" this my ass that motherfucker drives a Batmobile and wears a Batsuit and throws around Batarangs. live in a suspended belief and have fun before you dry up and die a sad raisin of a being
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