#taking you all with me
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Social Skills news flash/alert/realisation
Not building rapport or being able to go deeper with someone you just met, or even more crucial, someone you just met and moved in with, has dire consequences on the isolation scale, but also lifelong discrimination and difficulties. It's simply nightmarish to navigate.
And if there are multiple persons in that arrangement, the issue further compounds. There are so many unspoken rules and hidden things that hold certain spaces together, especially spaces that are unsafe to mask in, such as, the public eye, in public, openly to people you just met or have just begun living with, to abusive parents, to a previously undisclosed monster you are dating, to government officials.
What spell are you under?
I do not want to be willingly vulnerable but masking is exhausting, masking is taxing I want to be free to speak my mind, to truly speak my mind Most people do not understand my words when I unleash on the real unmasked talk of what I feel and sense, real dreams, real visions, so much high talk that people tune out and can't listen, I've been asked to change the subject so so many times, been told that was a cool party trick can we get back to the party?
Others have stood awestruck asked me to slow down, save it for later, possibly keep it a bit more quiet because I'm getting excitable and definitely not loud enough for the neighbours to hear please.
I keep it quiet and I keep it small.
But the world's a stage And I'm at the age where I was 28 for 2 years, our mind just decided I was 28 for 2 years and I realised I'm turning 30 this year I'm at the cusp of luminance But that neccessitates that I have to die the darkest deaths and bleed so loud and strong and for long. this life is too sweet, too fleeting, too deep, too meaningful, to meaningless, cruel and hard and dark and bitter and unfair, sweet and breezy and a whole fucking ride
you've loved, you've lost you've begged, you've prayed you've bled, you've played, you've trusted and got busted
sometimes replaying an entire loop your life is cycles and you can feel it and observe as it does that, and no matter how hard you try, you can't get out of that cycle they don't give you conventional 'medicine' and by medicine i mean wisdom
they have got medicine for you, but I'm afraid the only way that it is a cure is by means of eradicating your sensation of it being an endless cycle or simulation or worse and deeper and darker, and bolder and bigger and brighter- all the same you;ve got an endless antenna unto that world, so you don't take the pills.
It's just something that numbs. And dealing with all that numbness dumbs down, and I use dumb in the same way dampen, for instance something cushioning a heavy flow, or suppressing the sound from an instrument. I've been called dumb and insinuated stupid for quite some time now. Whereas before there was just dumb awe at what I had to say, or discomfort, now, I receive all kinds of responses ranging from sheer pity to shocking loss of human decency and manners.
When you get yelled at by a 40 year old woman on her property in the jungle and she's German American and you're Palestinian-Syrian/American and she's trying to make you feel like a 5 year old, in fron of other volunteers, then you don't really feel 5 years old, you feel very affronted that is what passes for social engagement as an adult with the world as an autistic woman, worse off than the men for many objective reasons like being foreign, naive in more specific and dangerous ways, unlikley to express distress or alert anybody to being afraid or unwilling to engage with something, more likely to hide the results of such ecounters gone wrong, more likely to suffer in silence and act out in more nad more extreme ways, but always directed at herself. This individual didn't get the support that she needed to navigate the world in a way that worked. She was sheltered, she was abused and she had very little emotional support and guidance. She absorbed everything from her environment from the moment of her conception, taking in the milky waves of discord and distress and abuse, weaving a picture of a vessel to take her body side. She succeeded to survive the next 29 years and 5 months and 13 days.
i will blame myself too for driving frantically to my intro to pole class with an amazing instructor I met last time who made me feel seen and supported and was able to guide me through different exercises. and also allowed me the space to experiment, not overcautioning me often about things to know or do as a beginner. Dreading leaving the house well in advance of the day of, and finally having a breakdown the day it arrived. Too tired, too foggy, too spaced out, too apathetic and numb and don't care, and please no more of that, no more of anything please, just nothing, nothing more, kindly no, no sir, not today, not anymore, not this, not now, JUST ABOUT ENOUGH I SAID.
And proceeded to slap on a sizeable amount of more of that stuff for myself by masking and pretending and generally prancing around unable to be seen by individuals that very much give me the vibe of we will be onto you if you tell us all your secrets but a. they very infrequently express any interest in what it is I am saying, making me feel like just trailing off into nothingess, they do not ask any follow up questions about statments I make in regards to be autistic or listing out of any difficulties, I hear 'you're fine' a lot and it is starting to make my head hurt a little. Like actually, no I'm not. Can we stop pretending, and also it's because I can't be my damn self in this room without making an energetic cringe the size of a continent My whole solo universe is full of these instances and I am at a loss what my interactions are doing to the people around me that puts up such a wall or parades ignorance about opics which, well, that might be the point actually. Not knowing about these things and thus projecting their own ideas or misconceptions? Anyway the whole thing is just a mess because it's not leading to infantilisation (which would be worse) but still nobody is being blunt and direct about their feelings and what they mean and what they're saying. I want this thing to change because, ever tired of the insect in a glass phenomena, want to step through the looking glass, part the veil and come out onto the stage to say my piece because I swear, that vision has been with me since time immemorial. The one I have and the other one closely related depict a very ecstatic dance of life upon a stage facing all forebearers and factions and creator and created observing the life of the one, wi7da, who unfurled herself for all of time so that she may experience what each synapse feels as it connects with another, a divsion so expansive she could find herself widely across it in many different ways and with many different people. Many different people at once, and I mean in the feeling of oneness with all of the cosmos to tell all these stories takes time, but she dances in ecstasy as if all that exists for her is one endless moment.
Time to step out soon, and maybe now to aid in that I'll actually deliver the nugget of information I promised at the beginning of this whole thing. The social skill that I could certainly use more of and am so glad I have just learned about is called the hello good morning good night trick. Without the overforced hellos and how are yous the barista certainly feels that you are not normal and feels taken advantage of (*courtesy of my sister who I am pretty didn't read that right either. I mean she says she felt embarrased being out with me so that's another development in the younger sibling department who's been living her own life for the last 6 years and also my best friend and biggest supporter. not living together and me realising about my autism about 2 years ago, and subsequently unmasking, is making me incomprehensible to her I'm afraid, and this is deep sarcasm. She actually told me that she saw the exact moment the barista shut down and she shot her a knowing glance to as if to say, yeah, I'm over here with stupid, I know how you feel and I apologse for the inconvenience. That shit stung, there's not sugarcoating that!). So with even more specificity, within the US there is a strong friendliness, greetings and customary how are yous culture. If you don't say those generally in the public, you are viewed as much more ostile. Haven't got the statistic for you right now, but I am sure it exists.
In what could be closer relationships, like people you just move in with, if they are also from the place you have just moved to, and even if they are not, it just depends on how tight knit their group, what pressures they are under or are exerting and whether or not they are interested. I've found here, things are prevented from going deeper by something as simple as you not being able to gather that every night at a certain time, obviously, it is bedtime. And they disappear on and up to their rooms. The day ends, days begin, people come in from places, they have routines too. If you don't ask about them or greet them good morning, or wish them a good night, they simply either think you are unfriendly or never get the opirtunity to go deeper with you. The question of whether they even want to go deeper is yet to be decided, it is a no as it stands now. I don't know that anything ever makes me close to my true self except standing before a room and teaching and being in the intimate space of the divine things are getting quite tedious I am awaiting my chariot outside the front door It's said in jest but seriously, please, where is the uplevel button that allows me to drive and navigate and succeed and arrive and engage and manage and function well in such a place? I think I don't want to fnction INSIDE of it.
I say I want to create a new one.
#personal#personal writing#memoir#autobiography#blog#journal entry#autistic#autistic ramblings#processing#writing#self regulating#letting my words speak#soothing my emotions#free flow#telling my story#unleashing my glory#taking you all with me#on a journey#LOVE MY FOLLOWERS
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pass it on!
(ID in alt text)
#dungeon meshi#farcille#falin touden#senshi of izganda#chilchuck tims#izutsumi#laios touden#marcille donato#dungeon meshi spoilers#doodles#mine#do NOT let me take credit for the colours. it was adventure time no. 69's variant cover that found me in the depths of despair#kissed me tenderly and lifted me up. everybody say thank you riibrego#the story behind this is that when i was like 14 browsing pixiv i found fanart of vocaloid dressed as celestial bodies doing a kiss relay#and i never forgot it for one second. so let's all blow a kiss to the sands of time for that as well
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can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024
#ramble#if you say unalive in front of me i will personally kill you with my hands#you just can't muffle and censor and hold someone's hand through some things#some things are horrible. and they should be spoken aloud and they should upset you. because they are horrible#the second we started kidzbopifying the world was the end of taking anything seriously i think#i'm not even joking i've spoken to people older than me who won't even say the world sex#this isn't the playground you're not going to get in trouble just let us say the word!!!!!!#how am i supposed to listen to you when you won't even say the thing you're supposed to be talking about#yes this is the fault of the platforms with their censorship rules but the fact that we all just go along with it like it's not dystopian#you do know it doesn't stop with cursing right. people are already having to censor queer terms because they get flagged as inappropriate
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(✿◕‿◕) die (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)
#MY GIRLLLLLLLL <333333 you're doing amazing sweetie kill them all you deserve to#anyway. coping mechanism. the problems in my life i could solve if society just let me have a death note#this show really is an exercise in patience and suffering i get SO squicked out#by how much the horrible characters and situations mirror the insanity of what's happening in real life#also the revelation that some of the actors are Exactly as shitty as their characters are is. ugh.#but every time i'm like okay i can't take it i need to stop to protect my headspace#i think of kimiko and am like.... no... i need to see my gir....#hope karen gets jucy roles in other shows too PLEASE#the boys#kimiko miyashiro#karen fukuhara#theboysedit#tvedit
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I was walking out of the Walmart today, and a car passed me, and I got this incredibly vivid impression. It wasn't really in words, but if I had to put it into words, the two key points would be
a). I needed to watch that car and
b). That I needed to be careful, because the driver of the car was a massive bitch.
It kind of took me by surprise, because I really had no reason to be beefing with that car, and I also hadn't really had an impression like that since I was religious, which was in my teen years. Right? It'd been a decade since I had a little voice whisper in my ear, and I'd basically written it off as nonsense.
Anyway, I watched the car, because The Spirits or whatever were very insistent that I did. Car drove fine, went into the parking spot, inched forward, and right when it should've just stopped, the driver gunned it for some reason and it ran into the curb and cracked its bumper.
So, the driver got out, and she went to the front of the car to check that yes, she had cracked her bumper, and then she turned to look at me. The parking lot wasn't empty, but we were the only two people standing in that row, and I'd probably been staring at her for tenish seconds now.
She demanded very angrily to know why I hadn't warned her of the curb. And I could have said I didn't know you were about to gun it or is it my job to help every stranger park, or even could you have even heard me, inside your car?
And all of those would have been fine, but I was really, really busy digesting that I had somehow communed with Mormon Jesus again for the first time in fifteen years, and that the communion had mostly been there to let me watch someone park badly (?), so what I responded with was:
"Because it was foretold."
And I can't tell which would be funnier, if she went silent because there's not much to be said to that, or if she went silent because in Utah, she might actually believe me, but we parted ways without more words.
I'm still kind of digesting this myself, actually.
#Mormon Jesus really wanted me to watch someone crack their bumper?#It was kind of funny to watch#like if this is gods apology i guess i can take it#a decade and a half of radio silence between former highschool friends and then one sends the other a shitpost#and maybe the friendship isnt fixed but its a channel you know?#at least we're talking again#would that all my stupid mistakes could be divine shitposts#amen#Babylon-Lore
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*bites ur scruff*
[full on twitter]
#dont be mad at me but um the shirt is fake sorry ):#how do i censor this in a god fearing & satan fucking way?#i dont have the legendary focus to do all of kinktober but if i see mating kink you know im fucking there babes#bg3#nsft#astarion#astarion smut#ok im gonna go take a nap b#tavstarion#astarion x tav#adriannu: why are you so fucking yolked dude
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they are putting yaoi in the city art museum and censoring nsfw content with heat-responsive material so you have to put your hands on it to see dick
#just thinking thoughts...#I'm not sure I fully agree with whether it needs to be censored at all#but I do really like how they've resolved the situation#look at yaoi with a sense of purpose etc. get personal with it. if you choose not to then why not#places I'd love to take hypercapitalist taiwanese brazilian dude so he can examine his discomfort with yaoi lmaooo#'bro you are drawing so much gay shit... your plausible deniability is wearing thin... are you sure you're not a fudanshi'#<- the correct gendering on this still sends me every time
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i hate them so much why are they like this
#“let's take a look at all the weirdos” it's you. you are the weirdos. everyone is scared of you#they're just losers i hate them i hate them they make so mad istg#they consume my thoughts and i'll never forgive them for that#aa#ace attorney#dounart#ace attorney fanart#gyakuten saiban#aa fanart#phoenix wright#phoenix wright fanart#miles edgeworth#miles edgeworth fanart#narumitsu#wrightworth#art#fanart#digital#they make me ill i swear i've lost half my braincells hallucinating about them
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I am in no way shape or form normal about scotts new skin, and i needed to get this out of my system before the next session went out. i hope they go bonkers together
#they are MATCHING you all. they are best friends#and nobody is taking away this from me. he has one of pearls hoodies which she gave him willingly idc idc#can you tell i never left the scottage#ariineii art#pearlescentmoon#scott smajor#galaxy duo#namemc spoilers#trafficblr#wild life smp
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I like to think that Vulcans who come to understand that Humans just can’t try to process emotions the same way as them, it’s just healthiest to let it out in harmless ways, decide that venting and stuff should be taken just as seriously as Vulcan’s meditation time, and will encourage the Humans around them to complain about what’s upsetting them
People who are used to aloof Vulcans who avoid Humans at all cost running into one comforting a Human
“-and then they said my cheesecake was subpar, and they didn’t even bring a dish!!!”
“The purpose of this event was that every participant brings a food item of sorts, correct?”
“Yeah!!”
“And they did not follow this rule while insulting dishes that were brought?”
“Mostly just my dish but yeah >:(“
“How illogical”
“That’s what I’m saying!!!”
#star trek#Vulcans#Humans#not based on a specific thing#but I used to know this annoying couple that were ‘family friends’#who would show up to potluck dinners and the like and would either bring nothing or bring something really just. out of left field?#like a bag of frozen chicken to a bbq#and then proceed to make sure they are first even if it was stated to let kids go first#would take HUGE amounts before anyone else got a chance to get a plate#and then make off with the leftovers again even if they were already claimed for#and it wasn’t a food insecurity thing trust me I would never speak bad about a person getting food if that was even a remote chance#the adults who raised us knew them really well and we’d been to their house a ton of times#they were just dicks#and yeah. they’d occasionally insult the food. while eating the MAJORITY of it.#it was so weird at their home they would go out of their way to get the healthiest options possible#you know the really bland tasteless expensive stuff that apparently was healthier#but then if they were visiting our house they would. eat all our unhealthy snacks.#that always pissed me off so much as a kid because we actually had a food insecurity thing going on#and also a variety of other reasons that are a bit too depressing to bring up on this post#but anyways we’d hardly ever get to have nice snacks#and this couple would just take them all??? even after we’d tell them repeatedly that it was ours and those snacks weren’t gonna be#replaced#hated that couple#if you’re wondering why they were ‘family friends’ it’s because the couple who raised us#(it feels weird to type it out like that but apparently legal guardians doesn’t fit since they never finished petitioning 💀)#liked having them around because it made them look like ‘such great Christian’s’ being nice to the people#that no one else wanted to be friends with#I always thought that was a really weird and fucked up reason to be friends with someone#this got long sorry 😭
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the scene people keep screaming about from chapter 5 of theseus' guide
#gravity falls#gf theseus' guide#billford#stanford pines#bill cipher#stanley pines#mabel pines#dipper pines#m.png#THIS WASNT SUPPOSED TO TAKE ALL WEEK AAGH#cool thing i did where i took these characters who i cant draw from any angle but the front and then have them turning around CONSTANTLY#not just views from different angles either! active turning! im a genius!#i feel like you can tell which shots were drawn on different days sadkfhlgljaskg this killed me. i was gonna clean up the bgs but fuck that#theyre functional on a basic level and that is all we need#anyways can you believe the notorious line is only in the fic because an eagle eyed editor (not myself) caught it just before it was delete#and started screaming until it got put back#also the way stump came over while i was making this and was like 'oh right. i ship them' at the way i made bill flirt lmao#it hits different in the visual!#alright now i gotta fucking haul ass on the chapter 8 one
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yknow i dont go here but sometimes i gotta go: seriously respect clowns. they have the worst pop culture representation in the world and also the best most thorough honor code. they're just here to be silly little guys who bring joy and are very conscientious about doing so responsibly. let them to their merriment in peace you dont hafta take potshots. i dont go here but like maybe i should, you all seem super chill
#my posts#im mad bc i saw a clown knight adoptable which fascinated me as a concept and then someone bought him and made him evil :(#thats so. boring. its SO BORING IM SORRY THERES A COOL CONCEPT IN THERE BUT THATS THE BORING WAY#maybe ill make my OWN oath of clowning paladin someday#...wait that's actually GOTTA be a dnd subclass somebody's made at some point#anyway also the occasional YouTuber taking potshots and being mean like you dont need to do that theyre just minding their own business :(#we should all strive to be sillier and weirder and more kind forever
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Math is really tiring, im so glad i finally get to relax and do some knitting and crochet and i oh god oh my what the fuck
#honestly crochet and knitting are making me question if ive ever learned to count at all#if you ever want to start fiberworking you really need to take a moment to ask yourself#can i count?#knitting#amigurumi#shitposing#crochet#solar speaks 😎
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absolutely hilarious to me that agatha calls rio a bad boy when in reality rio is actually the rule following jock with infinite patience and care who brings you flowers on a first date.
agatha on the other hand is the snarky girl who gets into arguements with her teacher about the smallest details in the lecture and is constantly getting detention for cursing someone out. she's top of all her classes tho.
#she's the bad influence#rio is literally just along for the ride#this came to me because i was thinking about how rio follows the laws of the universe#and how agatha tries to defy them at every fucking term#like no agatha babe rio isnt the bad boy she's the golden boy you take home to your parents and your mom starts planning your wedding#there is fic potential in here but im not a writer so if anyone else wants to take a shot go ahead#agatha harkness#rio vidal#agatha x rio#agathario#agatha all along#kathryn hahn#aubrey plaza#rio definitely has a jealousy streak tho and she will get violent if threatened
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i love you forever and ever girldad chilchuck
#chilchuck tims#marcille donato#izutsumi#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#him tying marcilles hair into two twin braids#LIKE MEIJACKS HAIR#kills me#and the way izutsumi gets sad about him leaving to take care of other people?#he's FATHER#i finally finished reading dungeon meshi#and if you couldnt tell the family dynamics are making me really emotional#i love how (usually) peaceful this fandom is about shipping because the family dynamics trump it all
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this random ass guy who’s entire bit is that he can move like this is the only good wesker fan ever
#talking#edit: i changed the caption you guys are so annoying lmfao#i didn’t mean anything by it at all if you think i’m equating being old with bad that’s entirely a you problem.. someone easily 20+ years#older than me is in fact an old ass guy to me sorry i didn’t realize the uses tumblr at age 30-40 community was gonna stroll up on my post#you guys are so sensitive my god#i call one of my closest friends and family members who are all 10-20 years older than me old all the time you guys need to learn not to#take shit so seriously and also don’t lecture me on my joke post
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