#take the whole damn car
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So as a recap for Alpine here let's see if I can even remember all of the horrors.
Both drivers were slain in Quali because of horrible strategy errors.
Esteban asked for his PU upgrade but it was given to Pierre instead, which I'm not even going to get into, I know why they are doing that, they are favoring their driver who is staying. I'm not even going to go there. Pierre gets the upgrade which makes perfect sense, he's already in P20 so why not start him from the pits with new equipment.
AGAIN, with NEW EQUPIMENT, Pierre has to DNF because some shit happens with the car. For what was an arguably decent race for Pierre here.
Esteban complains about the rear to the point where he almost wants to retire the car. They slap some softs on him for the last few laps to make one singular overtake and tell him to just get on with it then, because they don't want the DNF even though Esteban said it was "undrivable" on the radio and that it was "the worst drive/car of the season"
Pierre complained of brake troubles, ALL SEASON. He complained in the free practices, but he complains almost every single race about his brakes. They are not fixed.
Esteban has differing complaints every session, none are ever addressed.
Both of these drivers are screaming until their lips are blue and no one is listening to them.
This is all off the back of Silverstone, where again, strategy fell flatter than hell with Esteban - that was a SHOCKING mistake, and Pierre had TONS of NEW PARTS in his car and then couldn't even START THE RACE and went out in the formation lap.
Shocking, shocking, shocking. It's actually not shocking, which is half of the problem. But my god. Alpine, you are not selling yourself to Carlos very well. Esteban was smart to leave. Pierre, I just hope and pray for you now that you're stuck there for another few years.
They were sort of coming back up the ranks and then they fell flatter than fucking Bahrain the past few races. I don't even know what to say.
#now that its over and i can process everything my goodness gracious#they have no idea what they are doing and they're taking a whole fucking team down with them!!!!#and their innocent drivers who are just trying to drive their damn car!!!#maybe listen to them!!! idk!!!!#alpine f1#alpine#alpine f1 team#formula 1#f1
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Donna KNOWS that whenever Alcina texts her âIâm on the wayâ she actually hasnât left her castle yet.
Like, sheâd be patiently waiting for her nieces because theyâre coming over for a visit and she tries not to get too excited but itâs hard because she looks forward to this kind of thing but at the same time itâs Alcina so who knows when they will actually show up.
Itâs just the text gets her feeling all excited but she remembers that itâs Alcina so she will probably be waiting for A WHILE before her favorite people arrive.
#headcanon#house dimitrescu#alcina dimitrescu#house beneviento#donna beneviento#daniela dimitrescu#cassandra dimitrescu#bela dimitrescu#resident evil village#resident evil 8#re8#Alcina is always fashionably late like the woman would say that sheâll be there at 8 and at 8 sheâs still at her vanity đđ#bela and Daniela are different tho theyâre actually punctual and always make sure to get to places right on time#Daniela actually arrives a little earlier because girlie is always in a rush and sheâs justâŚpunctual like her big sister#Cassandra however takes after their mama and she is always just as late#so if itâs an important family event bela and Daniela leave first to distract Miranda and tell her that their mom and cass are right behind#while knowing damn well that it will be at least an hour before their mom and sister leave the castle#like Cassandra woukd text her friends that sheâs getting in the car ready to head out while sheâs still doing her hair#and still has her makeup to finish#like cass and Alcina take the whole concept of being âa little lateâ to a whole different level
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Wait holdup whatâs this about Howdyâs shop burning down and nearly taking him with it?? (talking about human au)
oh yeah lmfao it caught fire
it wasn't like... foul play or anything. in my mind it was some sort of electrical failure or bizarre accident. like a lightning strike! actually wait i like that lightning strike idea bc then it could be Raining for this very dramatic scene and i do love me some rain juxtaposing fire <3
and Howdy would've been fine! he got all of his employees and customers out of the building, including himself. he handed them off to Barnaby & Wally, who had been swinging by for dinner with fantastic timing (the fire department was just then arriving). then, like an idiot, Howdy went right back inside the Very On Fire building!
bc, ok, he lives in his store. specifically, above it. the ground floor is the store, then there's a staircase going up to an apartment. and naturally, Howdy was not gonna abandon all of his / the store's legal documents (also his coupon stash) to burn.
so in his mind he was like "yeah ill just pop in, grab these very important files, and then get out. easy!". babe, you're giving Barnaby & Wally a heart attack. that's what you're doing. dumbass (affectionate)
but yeah he's in there, in the burning building, smoke everywhere. meanwhile outside firefighters (and Wally) have to physically hold Barnaby back from going in after Howdy, even though a few more firefighters already went in to find him. its all very dramatic! blah blah blah the front door becomes unusable, blah blah blah the apartment windows explode due to thermal stress & also bc i want them to, etc etc
long story short the firefighters get Howdy out through the back, and mostly unscathed at that! ofc smoke inhalation is a thing, he's got some minor cuts and burns, but it's really not that bad! lucky bastard! he gets taken to the hospital to get treated & make sure he's fine, and he is.
naturally he stays with Barnaby & Wally for a while. he doesn't have a say in the matter lol he was planning on getting a motel room or somethin, but Barnaby picked him up from the hospital, took him home, and went "alright the guest room is ready for you we can go shopping tomorrow for anything you need, you live here now". good thing Howdy rescued his coupons!
the fire damage to the building is, thankfully, mostly cosmetic. it takes a while to clean & fix it, but Howdy has great friends and a wonderful community to help out! everyone chips in, some fundraisers happen, Wally sells some Darlingâ˘ď¸ Exclusivesâ˘ď¸, etc. long story short they get the store back up & running, and with some new bells and whistles to go with it!
#the scene is Very Vivid in my head#i had to sneak some action drama in there somewhere!!!!#what better than a building fire!! what can i say! im a sucker for the#'character watches person they love run straight into danger & is unable to follow them'#'and so is forced to watch in terror unsure if the loved one will make it out alive'#trope!!! its damn good!!! ill never tire of it!!!#the rain glittering in the firelight! the red-blue of emergency lights! glass raining down! wet pavement & black smoke!#its about The Visuals!!#i think my favorite part of the Brain Scene is when they get howdy out & he's like. half collapsed on the curb w/ an oxygen mask#and barnaby is Hovering! very freaked out but also immensely relieved! as soon as he learns theyre taking howdy to the hospital#he sprints to his car to go follow the ambulance!!#(in my mind julie eddie and sally had shown up & wally stayed with them to answer questions / keep an eye on things)#but yeah! drama Babey!!!#rambles from the bog#wh modern human au#i feel so bad for howdy lmfao#like... that store is his Everything and it got crispied. so did his home. and pretty much all his possessions#i also feel very bad for barnaby! he has a bad year bc of Two Incidents!#barnaby 'if one more person i love winds up injured in the hospital im going to Lose It' b. beagle#barnaby: well that whole fire thing was a disaster but we're all okay <3 with any luck there'll be no more hospital visits <3#wally: im about to end this mans whole career-#ough and the arc of howdy living with them for a bit.... ougggghhhh#bc he & barns are in that 'our mutual feelings are unspoken but we both Know' inbetween state#its like a trial run for their future lmfao#except. a depressed trial run. bc howdy is very fucking upset about losing his Home & Possessions#a piece of the world he'd carved out for himself that was His and no one else's#he has a period of pushing through with an 'everything is fine i can work w this' pained grin and emotional avoidance#until obviously he hits a wall and Crashes. depressy spaghetti time!#he'll be fine but he doesn't feel like it for a while <3 good thing he's got awesome friends to keep him afloat <3
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#my mom said no more eras for me đđđ#she said my car needs work before it drives that far#and its too expensive#which is is like. FINE. whats worse js#i should've just taken my damn self yesterday or today#if my car broke down at least i wouldve tried#but i dont think it would . but whatever#the onky reasons i didn't was i let my mom take her sweet time thinking abkut Toronto abd getting my hopes jp#and. the anxiety. i let my stupid anxiety stkp me from living my life again#im a GROWN ASS WOMAN WITH MONEY AND A CAR. I DONT NEED MY MOM'S PERMISSION TO GO ON A ROAD TRIP#i just gkt ANXIOUS.#and i would still go tomorrow but the prices are now more than what i have to my name!!!!!!!#i COULD have just gone yesterday or today. and i didn't. bc i have stupid nervous bitch disorder#and it holds me back so much all tbe time and its PISSING ME OFF#why cant i just have a normal person life#im really not seeing eras again#and its really ending#which i think is hitting me now for the first time#and i love Taylor swift so much. and ill probably never be abke to see her tour again bc the whole world decided to like her too#im literally crying harder than i have in a long long long time . it wont stop ahah lol#i cant breathe bahahahahahha#i turned on tsom and its not helping ahahahahhaha#i hate myself i hate my life
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This winter (the season not the me) has been unseasonably and terrifyingly warm, like it's 10 degrees (Celsius sorry Americans) out today and I'm reminded of an article I read in the news a couple years ago about how Canada was baking at twice the rate as the rest of the world and go đď¸đđď¸. In my youth snow where I live would be probably a foot high in the lowest snow areas of snow drifts and up to my waist (in adult height) in the high parts, and every year I see less and less snow â ď¸â ď¸â ď¸
On one hand despite my namesake I actually loathe the season winter, I'm extremely sensitive to the cold and getting brain freeze because the wind is blowing against the direction you're walking in sucks booty hole. But like NO snow is extremely bad. VERY bad. Do not like living out the consequences of climate change because uh. Canada just does not seem to have winters like it used to and hasn't in years. It's like watching all the corn crops stop growing like they used to because the summers are so much dryer and hotter with the exception of last summer, which was almost wet enough to kill the corn with that. But they survived and grew bushy like they used to and it was kind of terrifying to acknowledge I hadn't seen a crop that good in years.
#winters ramblings#on one hand it genuinely is SO NICE to not deal with snow seriously it is SO inconvenient#beautiful to look at for sure REALLY stunning when its not literally blinding you but omG snow on roads#in the cities where i live leave HUGE slush puddles and the snow is so MUSHY and WET from cars#pulverizing it to a fine icy slush ready to SOAK your feet in freezing water. shit is inconvenience powder#but the environment is in NEED of the snow that is how this country works environmentally NORMALLY#but no now we have consistently spring weather and ever less snowy winters#although we did have a shitty winter a couple years ago but thats not exacy indicive of much when it goes against prior patterns#and also that shitty winter STILL wasnt the winters of my childhood. the snow was ABSURD then#and yes its because drifts were the size of ME but even the massive piles of snow plowed from side walks are so much smaller#IF theres snow pules at all weve BARELY got snow this year and none of it stuck!!#like damn its been gone long enough ill miss it exactly until i have to walk to a bus stop in it#when i was 13 ill never forget my parents making me return a movie in a snow storm and it took me FORTY MINUTES#to complete this task because the snow NO JOKE was up to my wasit the whole way and i was my full 5'6 then#the snow was HORRIBLE. and for reference how long it USUALLY takes me to walk uptown and back?#roughly 15 minutes round trip so it took longer to walk ONE WAY than it took me to do a round trip no snow#and thats the last time i remember having a REALLY bad winter on account of walking to school was ALSO hell if the sidewalk#wasnt already plowed and usually only the main streets got that and i was Middle Street so id be done when id be going HOME#but not when i was going TO school. that winter blew ASS butlike it was normal bring them back đđ
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i finally got my adhd med dosage worked out and also for like the first time since upping the dosage actually managed to take it consistently long enough for it to actually kick in over the last few weeks and god damn. that shit is magic.
#im on the non-stimulant version bc the stimulant ones were too up-and-down for me#so they kinda act like how ssri meds do in terms of slow buildup#but now that I'm there its!!! insane!!!#I've been falling asleep just when I'm tired which I just am totally unable to do normally#I woke up before my alarm today and was like maybe I'll take a shower!! in the MORNING! as soon as I woke up!!!!#and left on time for my appointment w time to spare - then instead of going home after having accomplished the one (1) task for the day#i voluntarily just went and did MORE things. like. for FUN. and didnt have to force myself and be like 'you'll enjoy it once you're there'#then I finished doing fun things at the river with the dog and was like. yknow what? I'm gonna be productive and work on the car.#and I DID. then hung out and socialized and watched a movie after?#at this point this is 4 WHOLE THINGS in one day????? and it wasnt prescheduled and I did it all because I just felt like it#I am fucking astounded. I am going to do everything possible to make sure I don't fall off meds again bc like. this shit is lifechanging#as long as I'm not physically too tired I'm actually looking forward to doing more tomorrow too#like. god damn. not having to force myself to do things that logically I know I enjoy and just being able to DO them is insane#I'm gonna go to the weekly farmers market next week and pick up veggies. and then make something with them.#ââ¨magicâ¨â
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As a car driver, i think we need to take cars away from everyone and start over completely from scratch
#someone cut off three lanes of traffic to drive onto rhe sidewalk and AROUND the queue INTO the intersection with a red light#they HAD to take their turn. rules of the road and polite society be damned#so three of us blared our horns at them the whole time#if you wanna hit cars and pedestrians at 6 am then all of florida will know where the biggest jackass is#hes right here.#people srop seeing cars as MACHINERY and as just. ways to get where you need to go. health and safety be damned. its BUCK WILD.
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trying to understand investiture by comparing it to car insurance
#does magic follow the person or the planet/system?#like in different cases insurance will apply to the driver or the car if they dont already correspond#it's. weird. bc hoid definitely uses magic mismatched to the planets hes on#but kelsier's whole thing is manipulating investiture to get surgebinding onto scadrial#well#okay not necessarily surgebinding but stormlight itself which is i thought irrevocably tied to surgebinding in non-singers?#idfk you really honestly need to take notes in this damn series if you want to 100% understand everything#havent had to do that since the silmarillion#says kenna
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"hahahah ideal number of texans is 1 bc look at the state of affairs in texas" how about you drown in a fucking toilet.
#personal;#I'm so tired of anti-TX sentiments#I'm so tired of painting a catch all brush#i'm so tired of seeing that stupid fucking tweet just bc dracula daily's about to come again#and most importantly I've had an objectively TERRIBLE day and I am also Texan and I spent my whole life in TX ashamed of it and I refuse#to continue to be bc there's nothing fucking wrong with being from or in god damn texas stop damning whole populations for the systems that#keep them oppressed like hot god damn#do you know how anti-black and anti-latine/x you sound when you say shit like that???#how about you go live in TX for a little bit and realize there are people and things to love and beauty in it#Spiritually I am taking slow car rides around my state and romanticizing it even if I don't live there anymore
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The thing about the Bottomji Big Bang 50% check-in in a few days is that, on the one hand, my estimated word count was 60k, and we're now at 24k, so we're doing pretty good there!
However, my estimated chapter count is 20, and I just finished chapter 6. So.
I'm stressed.
#bottomjibb#pray for me y'all#The good news is that my schedule is clear for the next few days#so I'm going to glue myself to my laptop screen#can I get to chapter ten before the check-in? Idk! We'll see!#Jesus take the whole damn car#writing liveblog
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forgive me my ignorance (<-not sarcastic, this really is an area i know very little about), but my perspective as a consumer (for car insurance specifically), is this: my big issue is that insurance is REQUIRED to register and drive a car (at least in all the states I've lived in) and driving a car is basically required to have and hold a job.
to be fair, the second thing is more of the problem, but notwithstanding major legislation to expand public transportation which has yet to materialize, the situation is that i have to be able to drive to make enough money to live in a home, and the car insurance company can basically name their price (notably this issue is part of what is so heinous about medical insurance also)
and to be fair to insurance companies, even if they were trying to be good and give the best possible prices to their customers, they are at the whims of the larger markets -- the prices on medical bills (ballooned by medical supply companies and pharma companies basically extorting them), the prices of car parts, the price of gasoline to transport those car parts, probably lots of other market stuff I don't know because like I said i do not know much about this. so there is a bunch of risk the insurance company has to take as well. it is in their interest to act like a company, a money-making entity.
notably, as a profit-seeking entity, they then also find themselves relying on statistics as per @cobrilee's tags, and relying on those kinds of statistics ends up reinforcing institutionalized prejudice. you want redlining? this is how you get redlining.
in the process of writing this post, i looked up the official reason why car insurance is mandatory in 48 out of 50 states. the given reason? public safety.
specifically the idea that if you are hit by a car at no fault of your own, that you should not be expected to pay your medical bills. and i basically agree! that is an assumption that seems fair to buy into as part of living together in a cooperative society. (i will note that who "you" is can really determine who gets to be "at fault" buuuuut we cannot disentangle all of society's prejudices in one go so moving on)
but you know what? if it's for public safety, why is it being handled by entities that are necessarily driven by profit?
the fact is that having and driving a car is basically a requirement to be a working (usamerican) adult, but that it is regulated like it is a luxury item and it is really frustrating. if insurance is mandatory for public safety, it should be a matter of public safety handled by the government. it should be unconcerned with profit!
and if the government had to start really shouldering those costs, i think they might just see that public transportation is much cheaper, more efficient, and all around better than the 1 Car Per USAmerican (Mandatory) system we currently have. and we could have a competent public transportation system. and i would cry tears of joy.
The most frustrating part of working in insurance is knowing why people's insurance premiums are increasing so dramatically but not being able to explain it without sounding like you're defending a bunch of giant megacorporations
#but then again the car corporations (+ associated) have had a full century to build up lobbying money so ÂŻ\_(ă)_/ÂŻ i wouldn't hold my breath#k.txt#also i am VERY aware than there are people in poverty who are working adults without cars--#they suffer greatly for it!! to the point of it being on par with homelessness!!#in fact ppl will have to choose between housing costs vs car costs & become homeless while living in the car bc it's THAT MUCH OF A BARRIER#anyway i have NO idea how any of this goes for homeowners insurance (insert *housing crisis* gif here) & only minimal knowledge for medical#so this may be very insular to car insurance specifically#but i expect that the conflict between ''public necessity'' and ''provided by profit-seeking entity ONLY'' is seen in both those areas too#this kind of reminds of the whole fight to make wifi a utility (which is should be treated as!!! esp for rural areas!!)#also i focused on the bigger picture here but in a smaller picture way as well#i drive a shitbox car that is not worth the insurance i am forced to pay on it and it drives me CRAZY#and i don't blame the insurance company for not wanting to insure me for cheap-- my shitbox car is liable to breakdown anytime!#that makes me statistically prone to crashes! i get it!#but if they don't want to insure me. and i don't want them to insure me. why the fuck do i need insurance?#public safety? okay. make a public institution & take the costs out of my taxes! (take it out of the wealthy's taxes actually)#anyway sorry for writing so damn much it's a disease#OH YEAH also obligatory ''it's all capitalism''/''fuck capitalism'' but like. i wanted to break it down more#esp since ''fuck capitalism'' like ''it's reagan's fault'' have become memes/catchphrases instead of meaningful accusatory statements#AND. note that i said ''it should be nationalized'' AND ''it should be unconcerned with profit''.#both parts are important and w/o the latter it doesn't really matter if car insurance were to be nationalized#like. wow yay i can be fucked over by the us gov't instead of private corporations. my favorite.
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BREAKING UPDATE ON THE PLUMOCALYPSE!!!
When I got home the neighbor kids were hanging around the parking lot as they usually do. I saw an adult making the rounds and popped out of my car hoping to snag her and ask if sheâd like plums. I didnât see her when I got out. But I saw a little girl and I said, âIs that your mom walking around?â
No, I was informed.
âWell can you ask your mom if she wants plums?â
She ran off. I looked over and saw two slightly older girls lounging. âDo you want plums?â I called.
Yes.
I grabbed my enormous box of plums and brought it outside. All three girls were waiting and the first kid said, âSheâll take them.â
I told them I had been given 106 plums. They were suitably impressed. I held out the box to let them pick out plums but the first girl confidently took the box. âYou donât have to take them all if you donât wantâŚâ I offered dubiously.
âWe want them.â
So I handed her the whole damn box, at this point somewhere close to 87 plums. And just like that, I was free. Her mom might be upset at receiving 87 plums or maybe her daughter gauged correctly that they could actually use them but either way. I am blissfully free.
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The Honda Odyssey
Logan Howlett x Reader | smut | 6k words Summary: The car fight reimagined and it only needed to be like 10% more erotic than the original.
I got carried away. I just love Wolvie so much. I'm so happy Logan is getting the adoration he deserves. Long live the Wolverine renaissance.
Warning: smut, p in v, ass play, foul language.
If you had to pinpoint a moment when your life became the shit show it had steadily developed into, youâd say it was the moment you auditioned for X-Force.
In your tenure as besties with Wade Wilson, it's fair to say things hadnât gone smoothly. The man was a conduit to all things fucked up, but you adored his loose morals and quick mouth. The idiot in red had weaselled his way into your heart and became something of a brother to you and more recently a roommate.
Now, if youâd have told your younger self youâd be in your late twentyâs sharing an apartment with a burn victim who regularly staples a toupee to his fucking head and a coke-head, blind, old African American woman, youâd have laughed in their fucking face.
So, youâd like to think that as these things go you are pretty damn well adjusted but traversing the multiverse was a bit of a stretch, even for you.
One moment youâre at Wadeâs surprise party, the next your ass has been zapped to the TVA and youâve been given a sacred mission; to accompany Marvel Jesus (Wade) and protect the sacred timeline.
Naturally youâre fucking mind blown, youâre a low-level mutant, fuck, you couldnât even join the X-Men. Â Your particular set of skills were a dime a dozen and your flagrant disregard of rules had made you a âpoor candidateâ.
No, the mutant powers you had been graced with werenât extraordinary by any means. You were basically an off-brand Captain America, just without the gorgeous cheekbones, patriotism and righteous need to do good.
In layman terms, you are strong as shit and have an accelerated healing factor. Not quite the same level as Wadeâs mind you. You have, give or take, an inconvenient five-minute turnaround on the more fatally debilitating wounds.
To say you were unqualified was an understatement and to say you were reluctant was a simple fact. A fact you repeated, loudly to anyone that would listen as you were bathed in rich black leather.
âI think maybe you meant to grab negasonic teenage whatchacallit⌠sheâs great, super powerful!â You continue. âDid you mean to get Domino or Colossus or maybe one of the X-Men? â
âNo Miss Y/L/N. We have not got the wrong person for the job.â The man you later find out is called Paradox, calls out as you re-enter the operation headquarters. âMr Wilson requested your presence; he wanted your assistance on his mission.â
âY/N/N⌠ten out of ten, baby girl, I one hundred percent would bang. Iâm talking raw dog, Barry White on a rug, letâs go all fuckinâ night.â  Wade hollers in his own brand-new suit and even you must admit, you look fucking amazing. âSweet angel, weâve just gottaâ come up with a superhero name for you!â
You are enrobed in rich thick black and teal leather, your first ever hero suit and itâs a fucking good one. It doesnât cling, but instead pulls you in securing your flesh and extenuating curves, ones you hadnât entirely realised you had. The bottom half your face is concealed with a mask, carefully crafted to follow the contours of your nose and cheekbones.
Youâd barely recognised the mysterious figure in the mirror.
âRight?! Tailor was pretty handsy though!â
âOh yeah, ha! - that man is indeed a predator.â Wade says with a chuckle and a fond sigh.
It shames to you to say but thatâs when you stopped fighting this whole thing. You looked the part of a hero; you thought that maybe the TVA knew what they were doing. That they had seen something in you and knew that you had a good heart under all the darkness that lingered on the surface.
Wrong.
You were just a demand Wade had made. He wanted his number one disciple at his side whilst he carried out his sacred mission. You were part of an attempt at appeasing him whilst they destroyed your timeline.
Little more than a pawn to be used whilst they manipulated him into a false sense of security.
Thus, you were thrown into a series of events far beyond your control when Wade being Wade decided you were hunting down a Wolverine to stabilise the timeline, only to be once again fucking zapped into some place they called the void by that little English shitbird named Paradox. Itâs entirely accurate to say that you were a little less sturdy than your compadres.
Unfortunately for you, the fall from such a height into the void was fatal. When you finally awake in the desolate wasteland to the sounds of blades clashing it is disorientating to say the least.
Forcing yourself to your feet you lower your mask and gasp in the sweet strangely stale oxygen as you stretch out your newly healed spine with a groan. It was impossible to tell how long you were out as you take in the scene before you; Wade and the Wolverine are engaged in a heated battle. From the looks of it, Logan is winning this fight despite being the human equivalent of a knife block with Wadeâs katanas protruding from his chest.
For a moment you pause, perhaps its head trauma that hasnât healed (Heâs fucking Deadpool, he can look after himself for two minutes) and appreciate his form, the Wolverine the two of you had kidnapped was gorgeous. Tch, as if there was any other kind.
Sure, you were biased youâd always been somewhat of a fangirl, but the Wolverine was objectively breath-taking.
Youâd indulged in comics whilst growing up but when you found out he was real and looked the way he did, hell, Wolverine was your sexual awakening. He was the first man to make you feel that tingle in your lower stomach. Yes, you may have been thirteen years old, a ball of puppy fat and social anxiety but youâd been waiting for him ever since.Â
Youâre snapped out of your reverie when Wade loses baby knife in Loganâs shoulder blade, finally you spring into action. In good time as well as youâre not sure if even Deadpool can survive decapitation.
In the singularly most stupid act of your life you throw yourself in front of your friendâs body. âWait, Wait! Please!â Â
Wade has paused behind you, you can feel him weighing up the situation, pausing for a moment to see what youâre going to pull out of the bag.
âThe TVA they can fix it, whatever you did, whatever made you the worst Logan, they can fix it! â They have the power to end universes, but they also have the power to fix yours! Help us get back there and we can fix both of our worlds! I promise, they can fix it.â You plead, itâs not quite a lie exactly, more of an Educated Wish than anything.
Okay it is a lie, but youâre sure that the TVA can most likely, probably, maybe fix his world.
Loganâs eyes lock with yours in that moment you can see that he wants to kill you both and be done with it, but that hope wonât let him. You feel a smidgen of guilt for the deceit, but frankly youâve done worse for less. Your world was on the line it wasnât the time to pull your punches.
Fast forward four exhausting hours, two periods of unconsciousness and one flaying to find yourself sat opposite Wade gagging down cold spoonfulâs of Spam in some dusty ass diner.
You were no better than a man as you watched the Wolverine.
Those arms, those thighs, the way he had beheaded Sabretooth without even breaking a fucking sweat. You wanted him to wrap those instruments of death he called hands around your throat and fuck you dirty until the sun came up.
It had been a long exhausting day and you had been soaking wet for most of it.
Shit, could he smell that? Does that count as sexual harassment? Youâd have to ask Wade.
Logan, however, was utterly dismissive of your advances in the face of what was undoubtedly utterly horrific past trauma. Something you were trying to be understanding about, but self-pity in a man, it just turned you on. I said you had some surface layers of darkness.
Unable to help yourself you gaze at him as he opens a bottle of rubbing alcohol. You are utterly entranced, watching the thick chords in his throat bob as he takes a swig.
That tanned skin where his jaw ends and neck begins, slick with sweat and dirt. Youâd love to sink your canines into the strip below his ear. He must feel your stare on him as he looks up and catches your eyes dark with lust already surveying his person.
It should embarrass you, that every time he peers your way, he catches you gaping at him like a lovesick puppy, but thereâs something about Logan you canât quite put your finger on. The man heats your blood like nothing youâve ever experienced before, maybe itâs that torch youâve carried for him since girlhood, maybe itâs the thick thighs youâd kill to ride â who can say for sure?
In what you assume is against his better judgement, he comes to perch on the booth beside you. His broad shoulders cast an imposing figure as he gets close enough that if you were to move your hand a couple of inches to the right, youâd finally be able to touch that yellow fabric that plagued your tween dreams.
Youâre burning up at the thought of him, unable to stop yourself you part your legs slightly to ease some of the pressure. Logans nose twitches, his head swivels your way and his eyes catch your own. Â
Welp - at least you have your answer about him smelling your arousal.
Deciding that you were most likely verging on sexual harassment charges you decided to focus back in on the task at hand, gagging once again at another spoonful of spam.
âBe a good girl and swallow, Y/N/N, you know the rules!â Wade jokes, your chortle was your only response. What could you say? He always hit your funny bone despite the ocean that was raging in your panties.
Logan stares at Wade for a long moment before turning to your way and addressing you for maybe only the fourth time today?
âWhat are you doing with this fucking clown? You his sidekick? Following him round to laugh at his stupid fucking jokes whilst he gets kids killed?â
âWhy I have never.â Wade is faux outraged at his words, clutching his imaginary pearls as the Wolverine throws around accusations that arenât entirely untrue.
The Wolverineâs expression remains stern as his eyes track your face. They seem to be evaluating your character and from the flare in his nose and crease in his brow you can guess he finds you lacking. Youâre embarrassed to admit how much that deflates you, so you do what you do best; you deflect.
 âI could follow you around and laugh at your jokes instead, if you like?â When you speak your voice has a sultry edge to it and thereâs no mistaking your intentions.
Logan seems to think on your proposition for a second or two, before he huffs grabs his rubbing alcohol and unopened can of Spam and heads over to sit at the bar.
âHoly hot ham and cheese on rye, Y/N, you fucking slut.â Wade berates you though his voice is as light as itâs always been as he boots your shin under the table. âTrying to your holes filled by Wolvie during a world saving mission, Marvel H Christ, stay on fucking task!â
You swear you hear Logan mutter a Jesus Christ from the bar.
Though as Wade continues irritating the hero hunched against bar, you canât help the realisation that he didnât say no.
âYouâre uh⌠well regarded in our world.â Wade complements, being real doesnât come easy to him. You appreciate the effort.
âWell, Iâm not shit in mine.â
âI tried to join the X-Men because of you.â You speak up finally joining their conversation. Wolverineâs back goes rigid, but he doesnât respond. Youâre not sure if heâs waiting for you to continue or hoping youâll stop. âYou made a difference to this world, made me think I could do the same. I just never quite make the cut.â
Logan doesnât seem to have a response.
It seems your words have an effect as you catch him watching you more often. When Wade makes his jokes, he looks to you for validation of his withering looks.
Youâre probably more distracted by this revelation than you should be when the three of you come across a real nasty variant of Colossus seeking out Wade for⌠you want to say⌠revenge?
The not-so-gentle-anymore-giant flips the Honda and tosses both Wade and Logan through the treeline as they advance on him as if they were little more than toys his mother had asked him to pick up.
One by one your bullets ricochet from his metal skin as he comes towards you. You arenât built for this fight; you are completely and utterly outmatched.
All youâre doing at this point is buying yourself some time for your backup to pull themselves from the rubble, however during a particularly spirited cartwheel the metal oaf finally gets his hands on you. Colossusâ metal palm is cold on your throat, and you could swear you hear your neck snapping before you feel it. Â
With a gasp you return to life to find a slightly dishevelled Logan standing above you. By the grace of god, his sleeves have been worn away in the fight, his arms, oh sweet lord, his arms are on full display.
âThought you were a goner.â He offers you a hand when you simply stare mutely his way. Locking your fingers around his wrist he pulls you to your feet. You donât release your hold on him and neither does he.
âDonât throw the party just yet, eh?â You joke weakly, for a second you could swear thereâs a slight raise of the corner of his mouth, imperceptible, if you didnât know what you were looking for. In the past few hours you had become an expert on Wolverineâs face. Â
Your mouth is dry as you take in his thick sweat laden biceps.
âWhereâs Wade?â You query whilst rolling your aching neck as you havenât heard his voice in a record thirty seconds, Logan suddenly remembers himself and drops your hand.
ââfraid Metal man took your clown, was pissed with him and canât say I blame the guy.â
âShit.â You sigh rubbing your temples as you kneel to pick up the dismembered arm of your best friend. âWell â fuck. Thatâll take him a few hours at least to grow back â Heâll be so sad about his suit.â
You peel the fabric from the limb and tuck it under the breast plate of your own suit. Wade will want his glove back when it grows back.
âHe say where he was taking him?â
âOh yeah, that along with his plan for world domination...â Logan huffs as if your mere presence annoys him.
âThought you didnât like sarcasm.â
âI like sarcasm just fine, Bub. Itâs you I donât like.â You canât help but smile his way at the comment made at your expense, his brows crease. âYouâre a strange one.â
âCan you do your sniffy thing?â Its impressive, you thought heâd reached the limit with his scathing looks towards Wade, yet he somehow manages to pull a deeper frown out the vault especially for you.
âSniffy thing?â His words are spoken with such derision, it turns you on a little. You realise that perhaps you are in fact a deeply troubled individual.
âOh, sorry.â You pretend to clear a frog in your throat. âPlease, oh, please, beautiful, handsome Wolverine, please can you locate my bestest pal with your heightened sense of smell?â His face doesnât break despite your hands clasped in front of your chin.
âYouâre just as fucking annoying as that moron.â He huffs âGet in the fucking car, weâll follow his trail.â
âYou can smell him from the car?â
âThe blood, Jesus Fucking Christ, thereâs a trail of blood.â
âAh.â Is all you reply as you find your seat in the passenger side and start your own one on one team up with Wolverine. Its not exactly the way you imagined it, but beggars certainly canât be choosers.
After a few moments of sullen silence, you decide that thereâs no time like the present to form a long-lasting bond.
âWhatâs your world like?â
âNone of your fucking business.â
âOkay... Whatâs the first thing youâre gonnaâ do if they can save your world? I bet its something boring as fuck, like team-â
âWhat did you just say?â
âI bet youâre gonna do something boring like-â
âNo before that.â
âWhatâs the first thing youâre gonnaâ do if they save your world?â You question, his sudden interest in your words takes you by surprise as he has been vacant from your conversation.
The breaks suddenly shriek as the car comes to a stop.
âWhat do you mean if?â
âIâŚâ
âYou said they could fix my world. Undo it all, is what you fucking said.â
âI mean I think they can!â
âYou fucking liar.â The edge to The Wolverineâs voice is terrifying. The realisation trickles down your spine, Logan has been nice to you all this time, youâre finally meeting The Wolverine.
âI didnât lie!â For some reason youâre ashamed of your deceit, youâve murdered countless people and still, youâve felt less remorse. Loganâs eyes pin you in your seat as disgust clouds his face. It hurts more than you can fathom. âNot exactly, I think they can fix your world! â I needed your help and if you killed Wade there was no hope for my universe!â
âI donât give a flying fuck about your universe!â He spits your way; his hands are gripping the wheel in what seems like an effort to keep his cool.
âI know, but I do!â You cry back at him. âYou know how to save the world, youâre the fucking Wolverine! I know how to kill people, but this hero shit, this isnât me!â
âHa! No shit.â There is pure hate in the manâs eyes as he stares back at you.
âPlease, youâre Logan. Whether youâre the worst one or not - Youâre still better than me.â
âGet out of the fucking car.â The words come from between clenched teeth and are filled with warning.
âNo â fuck you.â Your rage breaks the banks to meet Loganâs. Perhaps itâs the guilt, maybe itâs the fear for Wade but something within you snaps at his constant bad temper. âIt was an educated guess and a fucking reasonable one at that, get the fuck over yourself you big bird wannabe geriatric fucker! â
He slams his palms on the steering wheel, his nose flares and his teeth clamp together. Â âFuck me? Fuck you â you sad pathetic excuse for a side-kick. No wonder the X-Men wouldnât take you, and theyâll take fuckinâ anyone. You are a ridiculous, immature, moron who spends her days following around a fucking clown to avoid facing the reality that you are no one. I have never met a sadder, more attention starved asshole in my entire life. You were right about one thing, youâre no fucking hero.â
Its shameful the way your stomach drops, and your eyes involuntarily begin to tear. To hear your hero say the words youâve thought about yourself whilst laying awake at night. Itâs a knife to the gut.
âNothing to fucking say, huh, Angel?â The use of Wadeâs nickname for you is like sandpaper on your skin, it rubs you the wrong fucking way.
âI am going to hurt you now.â Your voice is barely a broken whisper.
âYouâre going to hurt â âHis faux chortle is cut short by a swift punch to his face. Youâre worried you may have been overzealous with your swing when his nose begins bleeding. The Wolverine is stunned for only a moment before he grabs the back of your neck and proceeds with smashing your face into the dashboard and those concerns are quickly put to bed.
The old fucker is strong, but you donât think heâll kill you, yet another educated wish.
âNot so tough nowâŚâ He shouts as the radio channels change with your skull. Pulling a knife from your leg strap you embed it in his thigh and pull the lever to recline your seat whilst heâs distracted, luckily, youâre not there when he swings for retribution.
Though one of his fucking steak knives catches your upper arm slicing through the leather. Warm blood trickles down your arm, staining the beige interior of the poor Honda.Â
Your legs are your strongest asset, so when he attempts to restrain you with the seatbelt, you are presented with your window of opportunity. You wrap them around his neck as you pivot your hips slamming the Wolverine headfirst into the metal of the door. Once, twice, three times - on the fourth he lands a fist to your gut, luckily, he has retracted his claws.
If he was willing to kill you, you wouldnât stand a chance.
Youâre winded struggling to catch your breath from the gut punch, but you manage pull the knife from his thigh that is nestled between your legs and thrust it into his neck, you aim for the spot youâd fantasied about kissing before heâd torn your character apart piece by piece, now you just want to bathe in his fucking blood.
It was the pain that instantaneously made his claws extend. Heâs quick to move them, though he slices through the sides of your suit as he buries them in the chair behind you. Your ribs are a bloodied mess though you donât care, in a few hours theyâll be good as new.
Logan has seized the opportunity and has your arms pinned to your sides, his blood has cooled a little more than yours, he doesnât seem to want to murder you over an argument.
Perhaps heâs more well-adjusted than yourself, that thought alone should concern you, except it just enrages you further.
âYou stupid fuckin-âThe Wolverine starts admonishing you, before you swing your head forward and headbutt him.
Yes.
You really do that.
You headbutt the man with the adamantium fucking skeletonâ at full strength. Its sheer dumb luck you donât crack your own skull in the processâ maybe Logan was right, you are fucking dumb.
âFucking fuck!â You cry grabbing your forehead and writhing. Noone wins with a headbutt, except Logan apparently.
âFucking stop that.â Your writhing has pushed your core against his crotch, and he is already packing quite the heat at what feels like half-mast. He grabs your hips to stop your movement, but it only seems to push you closer. âStop fucking moving.â
The constant arousal youâve felt since meeting him returns in double time, Loganâs nostrils flare and his eyes darken. Itâs debased and youâre ashamed that you want him, you havenât stopped wanting him, despite the awful fucking words that left his mouth minutes ago.
âLike ⌠a little pain Wolvie?â
Its relief you feel, you think, when instead of answering or punching you in the face, he closes the gap.
The Wolverineâs claws retract, and he grabs at your chin. Loganâs mouth utterly devours your own, your front tooth clashes with his own as you push yourself upwards, you pull your knife out of his neck, catching his grunt of pain on your tongue as you begin licking your way down his thick throat.
The vein youâd spotted hours ago is throbbing freshly healed, you sink your canines into the flesh and its as good as youâd fucking imagine. His groan is utterly beast-like as he wraps his arms around you, pulling you flush against him.
The Wolverineâs throat tastes like salt and iron. Thick, tangy and warm on your tongue as you soothe the bite. It drives Logan wild, thrusting his hardened member against your warmth. One of his gloved hands rises to lock on the back of your neck to pull you into yet another earth-shattering kiss. Â His sharp hot tongue slides against your own, exploring the expanses of your mouth like its his to claim.
You bite at him again then, your teeth catching his bottom lip sharply. Logan groans into your mouth before you use every ounce of your enhanced strength to throw him backwards against the dashboard.
He is taken utterly by surprise as his head slams into the windscreen cracking the glass with a grunt. When he looks your way Loganâs eyes are blackened with desire, he is utterly wild.
Slowly as if afraid to make any sudden moves, you unzip your combat boots, your eyes never leaving his. One boot and then the next.
You thank the TVAâs tailor for making your suit a two piece as you shuffle backwards into the backseat, pushing the thick leather down your legs all whilst maintaining eye contact with the beast leaning against the dashboard.
âYou sure you want this Darlinâ?â
âDarlinâ?â You question mockingly, your voice lowering to imitate his own, as you wantonly spread your legs, your bare leg resting next to the headrest. Only a pair of black cotton panties separate him from your most intimate parts and his eyes are locked on your clothed core. âa second ago it was âPathetic Moronâ to you.â
Your head tilts in question as his eyes lock back on your own, you think perhaps for a moment something akin to regret passes over his face, but youâve never been entirely comfortable with feelings, so you drop your hand into the waistband of your panties, youâve barely circled your opening with your pointer finger before heâs on you.
âThatâs my job, you fucking Moron.â He plunges two bare thick fingers into your heat. Gasping you throw your head back against the headrest, itâs a tight fit and its been a while but the slight burn eases some of the aching in your core. âYouâre fuckinâ soaking wet, you like it huh, bub? Making me bleed?â
Your grab his jaw, your nails digging into his flesh. âIâd like to bathe in-â He scissors his fingers finding that spot inside you and you let out an embarrassing noise, somewhere between a gasp and a moan. â-Your fucking blood⌠you mean motherfucker.â
Youâre an absolute goner when he starts rubbing your clit, after a day of foreplay your body seizes, and you grab at the nape of his neck trying to find something to anchor you down. But as fast as the build was you come tumbling down just as quickly, when he cruelly withdraws his hands.
âNo! - Wha- what the fuck?!â Youâre almost crying as your torn from the precipice.
Logan flips you over onto your stomach before you can complain any further, your face down on the filthy upholstery as he pulls your panties from your hips. You canât see him from this angle, though you can feel his warm hands tracing the globes of your ass.
You force your knees further apart, pushing your bare soaking pussy against the tight bulge of his yellow suit. If you had enough of your facilities about you, youâd be embarrassed that youâre currently rubbing your cunt against The Wolverine like a bitch in heat after heâd chewed you out only minutes ago.
Loganâs hand dip between your thighs, his fingers swirl along your hole, dragging your wetness along to your aching clit.
âYou think Iâd make it that easy?â He asks as he continues the journey back and forth. On the second pass he dips his finger inside of you for a fraction of a second before resuming its path. âWhat do you want, darlinâ?â
You werenât going to beg, in fact you bit your tongue to stop the traitorous words from forming, this man had already made you abandon most of your self-respect, he wasnât having this.
âLoganâŚâ At your breathy words the man leans forward, pressing his fabric covered cock into your ass as he folds his body over yours. One hand comes down next to your shoulder, the other explore your tits as he rocks himself into your throbbing core. Itâs the perfect storm as he nuzzles into your exposed throat but somehow you manage your words. âFuck me or donât, Iâm not begging, bub.â
He exhales through his nose in what you guess is equal parts amusement and annoyance, but youâre far beyond caring. He places a bite on the spot where your throat meets your shoulder as his body pulls back. Momentarily his hands leave your hips to deal with his own pants. You hear the clank of his belt hitting the car floor moments before you feel the head of his cock, running along your folds.
The head of his cock is thick, and it feels hot to the touch as he runs it along your slick. All of a sudden Logan pushes forward and sheathes himself inside of you with a single thrust.
You try your best to hold in your incoherent moans but to little avail as he pulls back before slamming full force back into you. If you were a human woman, your pelvis wouldâve shattered from the force of his hips against your ass, instead you gather your strength and push back, allowing him deeper. The both of you moan in unison at the depth he reaches.
You grab onto the foam of the seat, ripping through the fabric with your bare hands desperate for an anchor as Logan unforgivingly pounds into you from behind, once again he folds his body over yours, wrapping a palm around your clawed fingers.
â.â He grunts something incoherent into your ear as he picks up the pace, slamming into you repeatedly, slowly picking up his pace. Your core is positively aching as you throb around him, pulling him deeper within you. Â If you were expecting any further explanation, youâre sorely disappointed.
The wolverine pulls back, gripping at your hips keeping you still as he resumes his powerful strokes. Â Loganâs hand dips to your clit, rubbing quick circles sending you barrelling back towards your orgasm. As you begin to clench around him, he pulls your body upwards, his head brushing against the top of the car as he holds you against him his fingers never leaving your clit.
âCome on my cock, Angel.â Unable to stop yourself you clench around him, hearing him talk like that does something primal to you.
You fucking loved Loganâs mouth, you bet he ate pussy like a champion if he played the clit this fucking well.
You stopped fighting it and threw yourself from the cliff, shattering in his thick muscle veined arms as he held you up against him, his cock still viciously plundering your depths.
âYouâre so fucking tight.â He whispers against your neck whispers peppering it with bites.
Logan gives you a few moments to come down from your high before he resumes his punishing pace, you think perhaps youâve reached your limit of pleasure, that the threshold canât possibly be topped until he whispers into your ear in that gruff voice.
âWhat was it Wilson said? Filling all your holes?â The Wolverine asks, his eyes meet yours over your shoulder meaningfully, asking permission as he offers you his thumb. You merely moan your approval and wantonly draw his finger into your mouth, soaking the pad in saliva. Â
Logan yanks your head into a vicious kiss. Itâs a messy one, filled to the brim with need. The hand not currently locked on your neck holding your face to his, travels down your back, through the valley of your bodies. The pad of his pinky runs appreciatively over the globe of your ass, before his hand dips into the crease.
Loganâs thumb runs teasingly against the tight ring of muscle, itâs a foreign experience which makes you startle slightly.
âAnyone ever fucked you here?â He asks as he bites down your neck, delicately pushing you forward until your head rests on the backseat. You shake your head as your eyes close, his cock is buried balls deep within you as he plays with your asshole.
When his thumb finally breaches your tight hole just past the nail, he begins his thrusts once more. His cock fills your pussy from behind and suddenly you feel so fucking full, Its far too much for you.
âFuck⌠Logan.â You gasp almost on the verge of tears as pounds you into the back seat. It seems the ass play has gotten to him more than expected, as his pace has increases.
âWhere?â He asks breathless from the exertion as he pulls his thumbs from your ass and takes a handful of the meat on your hips.
âInsideâŚ. Please ⌠Logan.â You practically beg though youâll never admit it, his rhythm becomes stunted as his hips slam into the back of your thighs.
âGive me something tight to come in, Darlinâ.â Moaning at his words youâre eager to obey as you reach your hand between your own legs and rub mercilessly at your clit. The unforgiving pounding, the grunting and the fingers currently bruising your hips and the burning of your now vacant ass send you sailing over the edge.
You clamp down on him like a vice, groaning unable to hold back your whimpers anymore as he finally bites your neck and pumps his seed deep inside you as far as it can go. Logan grunts like a beast as he pulses deep inside of you.
Logan collapses beside you. Dents in the interior of the van you donât even remember making have appeared from where a stray elbow or knee has hit the metal in the throes of passion.
The Wolverine tucks his cock back in his suit. Ever the gentleman, he uses your black panties to wipe away the cum dripping from your thighs, you havenât got the heart to tell him that when youâre commando redressed in your suit that you can still feel him dripping from you, your pussy uncomfortably slick against the leather.
After dressing, the two of you sit in contemplative silence. Neither one of you has the emotional complexity to discuss what happened and neither one of you will accept fault for your argument that led to it, so, silence reigns.
The tension is sliced in two as Logan leans forward and pushes an errant lock of hair behind your ear in an act so goddamn endearing, you melt. You still wouldnât apologise for lying, because you didnât lie but you can meet him a quarter of the way.
âIâm sorry for calling you geriatric.â You whisper catching his eyes, a small spark of humour leaps into them, youâve seen more emotions from your hero in the past half an hour than you knew he was capable of.
âI shouldnât have-â Loganâs heartfelt apology is cut off by the lead of this goddamn story.
âWell, well, well. Would you look at this, My best friends, Ha! I get fucking kidnapped, an arm ripped off and youâre nowhere to be found? I thought donât worry Wade, they wonât leave you, Y/N/N will come around that corner any second."
Wade has appeared through the passenger side window; he looks a little worse for wear and has a childâs arm growing from his stump, its kind of gross to look at.
"What if Colossus had had his way with me? What then Y/N? I expect this from Wolvie, but not from you! No, no heroic rescue for old Deadpool. I have to save myself because you fuckers are too busy playing hide the adamantium bone! Â Thanks for nothing guys. Now the car has old man sex stank to it, as if this hunk of shit Honda could get any worse!â
#deadpool#wolverine deadpool#wolverine x reader#logan howlett#logan howlett x reader#james howlett x reader#worst logan#logan howlett x you#wolverine smut#wolverine x you#graphics by saradika
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Love that my boyfriends car suddenly started making a screeching sound as it rolled around like a train slamming on its brakes, and it suddenly stops making the noise on the way to the shop. Everything's fine, I guess.
#its like taking your cat to the vet just to find out their just picky#i was stressing about it being his wheel bearing this whole weekend#and we turned a corner and it just stopped screeching#my bf said when it stopped it sound like somwthing had fallen out#it was a damn rock like i thought but it just wasnt going away until then i guess#fyi#dont take sport cars on dirt roads#katie's shit
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*sigh* guess this is goodbye, ladiesđ
[Shut off last version of this post to avoid possible continual spread of misinformation that was corrected by staff. Reposting clean with corrected info]
So I'm sure almost everyone knows about the porn bot problem by now, so here's a post detailing why it's a problem, and what we need to do about it.
First off, yes, always block the porn bots. Don't be mislead into thinking they're ok to keep around because they 'inflate your follower count.'
Firstly, no one cares about, nor can anyone even see, your follower count. Be free from the shackles that are the bullshit other socials told you was important. Don't let your ego be tied to a number. Having a lot of followers won't earn you any clout here.
Secondly, bots only follow blogs to try and legitimize their malware (and other dodgy) links. This post goes into more detail about that.
Now that that's out of the way, you'll need to know how to recognize a porn bot. This round the template seems to be:
A profile photo of a pretty lady or guy, usually in their underwear, with a similar header photo.
A bio with some combination of: [Age] // [Name] // [Location] // [Emoji] // [Top Bullshit% OnlyFans]
URL consisting of a name followed by a number (i.e: firstlast999)
Typically an empty blog, or if there is content, it's all dodgy links. Visible, but empty, Likes Tab, & occasionally a visible Following Tab.
You likely recognize the pattern.
So, what you want to do is, first, report the blog as spam On mobile it'll look like this:
On mobile you'll need to report spam first, and then go back to the menu again to block.
On desktop it will look like this, and unlike mobile, you'll be able to report spam and block in the same motion:
If I remember correctly,* be sure to "Report Spam", not "Report sexually explicit material" to feed the bots to the proper channels. Because the blog is empty, they haven't posted anything explicit that would violate TOS. However, staff can recognize a bot, and if you report the blog for spam (the actual problem) they'll take a look, more than likely find that the blog is posting or DMing dodgy links, and dispose of it.
And I think that's it. Here's wishing you all a happy and safe blogging experience!
[UPDATE: It was suggested on another post that the bots track your IP if you click on them to send more your way. However, someone from staff corrected and said this is incorrect. They also corrected the 'guilt by association' myth that bots following you can get your blog flagged by tumblr.
That said, that trail all led to another, easier, way to report/block the bots all from your Follower Tab instead of visiting each blog separately, unfortunately it only works on desktop:
(For newbies, click on the little person icon at the top right of your screen and scroll to find the Followers tab under the blog/sideblog you need to block a pornbot from.)
*I remember this information from a blog that used to be all about taking down the pornbots. Unfortunately I do not know if that blog is still active, nor can I remember the URL. If anyone knows what blog I'm referring to, and/or if they're still active, please feel free to tag them so others can follow them for more tips!
#đŤĄ#idk how I got so many of these damn things#like a bunch of mosquitos in the car on a long drive back home#gonna take a whole afternoon to clear them off đĽ˛
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Sitting in traffic at the Holland tunnel and I genuinely cannot figure out why my parents prefer driving to New York to flying...
#its not even that much cheaper with the price of gas being what it is...#this time we had to drive because of the damn futon but like#generally#why is this preferable to them#the flight is like an hour and a half vs a seven hour drive#yeah airports suck but sitting in a cramped car for hours sucks worse#at least in the airport I can move around#stretch#buy an overpriced sandwich#and the whole ordeal door to door only takes like five hours#compared to the nearly 8 with stoppage time in the car#I'm just saying driving is very overrated
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