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rattycattyfanfic · 3 months ago

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missing saw iii scene where lynn asks about the rosary on amanda's belt 👁️👁️👁️👁️

im so sorry this took so long omg. well. ok anyway have this now after like 6 months ;-; thank you so much for the prompt oomf!! <3<3

this is set slightly after the game as i couldnt figure out where to fit it into saw iii canon??

rated: T words: 3,377 cw: religious talk, possible blasphemy?, mentions of scars, substance abuse

Lynn returns to the scene of the crime like a ghost, finds herself in a cab towards the edge of town before she knows what she’s doing. She pulls her coat tighter around her as she gets out, smooths out non-existent creases, and shoves a fistful of bills into the driver’s hand before he can ask any questions and before she can come to her senses.

It looks different in the daylight, in the harsh hot sun, but when she steps inside it’s as if she’s stepped right back into that fateful night. It’s dingy, a little damp, just as she remembers it. The only difference is a few strings of gaudy police tape leftover from the investigation gone cold, sticking out like party streamers amongst the grime. Lynn’s healed stomach wound itches like it hasn’t in weeks. She sticks her fingers inside her coat, between the buttons of her shirt, and digs her nails into gnarled scar tissue.

Amanda returns to the scene of the crime too, like a stray returning home, like a hyena sniffing for leftovers. Her hunched, hooded form gives Lynn pause, just for a second. She thinks about turning and leaving, suddenly feeling wide awake and stupid. The girl’s shoulders shake, or it seems like it from such a distance, the workshop stretching out between them, her shape fuzzy through those filthy plastic curtains.

She should go.

She reaches deep into her pocket and pops a valium, and steps forward as quietly as she can.

Just as Lynn has been coming unwound the last few long months, fixating on details, reliving and re-reliving, Amanda also seems to be coming apart. She doesn’t move at all as Lynn approaches, seemingly stuck in place, lost in her head. Maybe her instincts have been dulled by grief or maybe she simply doesn’t care, doesn’t care to turn and look or jump to defensiveness as she would have that night. It works out better for Lynn, at least, but she can’t help but feel a little hollow at the thought of Amanda ghosting aimlessly for the last three months.

Lynn pushes through plastic and stops a boot-length away from the girl’s shoulder.

“You’re stuck too, huh,” Amanda murmurs without turning or looking. Her fingers worry the edge of the stripped and stained hospital mattress, head hung low. Lynn doesn’t know how Amanda could tell it was her. Maybe she’d spent so long stalking her prey that she knows by heart the resonance of her footsteps. Maybe she knows no one else would bother to come looking for her or come back to this tomb of a building.

“Yeah,” Lynn says simply. She waits, curious to see how this will play out. She’d moved so slowly through the warehouse that her chemical crutch is beginning to kick in, and she can’t find it in herself to be scared, or angry, or anything more than sickly fascinated. She waits with bated breath for something to happen.

Amanda scoffs, a bitter, wet little thing. She scuffs her boot against the tile floor, kicks absently at the foot of the bed. “He should’ve let me kill you when I had the chance,” she grunts, and a shudder shakes her tiny frame.

Lynn knows better than to ask for clarification. He is the reason they’ve both trailed back here, pathetically searching for answers or absolution or something, anything. “Maybe,” she murmurs passively.

The girl spins in one quick move, her faded hoodie sweeping around her. She shakes the hood away, and her hair is greasy and wild. “Maybe?” she chokes, disbelieving. It’s not as sharp as it should maybe have sounded, and the wind goes out of Amanda’s sails. Her eyes are wet, raw, and she looks incredibly tired. “What, is that it? You came back here hoping I’d finish the job? Is the gift of your life really that bad?”

Lynn is unflinching. “I don’t know why I came back here,” she says. “I honestly couldn’t tell you.”

Another scoff. Amanda drags her hands over her pink cheeks, combs restlessly through her hair, all her movements speaking to something frustrated and lost and deeply, deeply exhausted. “Great, great. Real fuckin’ smart, doc.” She spins, rubs her face again with nails this time, and then her sleeve, and then turns back to Lynn. Pink lines streak down her cheek, raised claw marks layered on top of her frustrated flush. Her lip curls, and she sighs, only half committed to defensive snarling. “Well, you better figure it out quick, or fucking leave. I’m not in the mood for company.”

And then she settles again at the side of the bed, half-turned away from Lynn. Her hair curtains her face, but her fingers give her away, antsy still as they poke holes in the soiled mattress. She fingers the stuffing and sniffles every now and then, and Lynn is still no closer to understanding anything at all.

Words spill out of her mouth before she can think better and swallow them. “Have you been here the whole time? Living here?”

Amanda shrugs once. She’s quiet, and Lynn thinks she’s maybe outstayed her welcome already, that she won’t answer. “Been here. Around,” she grunts. She sniffs again, and shudders a breath. “H-he had safe houses. Just in case. Only a couple haven’t been compromised yet.”

Safe houses, compromised. Lynn is reminded that this is so much bigger than them, a wild goose chase of cops and accomplices straight out of a shitty late night crime show. She feels small, her and her sleepless nights and little orange pill bottles, just a small piece of a sprawling web of pain. “The cops aren’t looking for you?” Lynn asks, and wanders a little. She finds herself at the edge of the room instinctively, back pressed against dirty tile.

“I’m careful,” the girl mutters. “It’s not hard to disappear, really. Not if you know how.” She digs her fingers into a red-brown hole and toys with a strand of stained stuffing, and then turns to eye Lynn cautiously, still picking.

“Right.” Lynn thinks she knows, but probably not better than Amanda. She remembers pleading with Jeff, in this very room, in a lawyer’s office, wishing to be heard and doubting she’s even speaking at all. It’s not a problem she can easily fit with what she knows of Amanda, barking and looming as she had that night, but – maybe. No fixed address, almost no material belongings, and the scars on her arms visible even in this low light speak to an unsettling ghostliness, like she might suddenly vanish before Lynn’s very eyes. Her figure wobbles as Lynn ponders this, and she sucks in a steadying breath and slides to the floor, one palm pressed against the wall.

Her hand slides against something dry and crumbly, and she quickly pulls back into herself. She places her palm on her knee instead, places her forehead on the back of her hand, wills herself to get it the fuck together. She used to be good at that, before exams, before surgeries. She’s out of practice now.

When she looks up again after god knows how long, Amanda is staring at her with a peculiar expression, like she’s something to figure out. She’s chewing her lip, something curious in her eyes – not unkind, but not exactly sympathetic either. “You didn’t learn anything,” she states. It’s not a question.

Lynn barks a short laugh, humourless and harsh. It feels too loud. She feels insane, out of place. Colours swim and pop in her vision from where she’d pressed her hands against her eyes. The diazepam wraps around her like cotton and she feels like maybe this is just some kind of bizarre trauma dream, the work of her brain trying to process any other potential outcome for that night.

“Neither did I,” Amanda whispers, and slowly folds herself down onto the floor by the bed, knees pulled up to her chin, mirroring Lynn. “I — I thought I did, I thought–” She sobs drily and rubs her face against the sleeves of her hood again. She stills, staring at Lynn with hollow eyes and newly wet cheeks. Seemingly never able to be still, her fingers start to toy with something attached to her belt in lieu of the mattress. “He helped me.”

It rings hollow as she says it, like a mantra that’s been repeated too many times to the point of emptiness.

“You were in a trap too,” Lynn realises, too late, too slow. The pieces begin to all fit together slowly, and she begins to understand – this scarred, volatile girl scrabbling for a place to belong, for someone to fix her. Lynn stares harder despite her swimming vision, and thinks she sees faint scars at the very corner of red lips, faded silver but raised just enough to be visible. You’d be surprised what tools can save a life.

Piece by piece, she thinks she might be able to understand, almost.

“Catch up,” the girl scoffs, and pulls at the thing attached to her belt in an antsy motion. The almost wooden sounding clicking of – beads? – gets under Lynn’s skin, but maybe it’s supposed to. Or maybe Amanda doesn’t even know she’s doing it. She huffs raggedly, and pauses for a moment to wipe at her cheeks again. “I thought he helped me. I thought he could help you too.” She sniffs angrily. “Look at the fuckin’ state of us.”

Lynn is quiet. She watches as this strange girl in front of her breathes wetly and stares at her knees, and then at whatever she’s fucking around with. Her hair falls into her face prettily, and her nose is red. That strange click-clacking sound continues as Amanda fiddles anxiously, and Lynn can’t hear herself think over the noise, can’t think of anything to say.

“What is that?” she asks abruptly.

“Huh?” Amanda glances up sharply. The sound stops for a second.

“That – whatever you’re fucking with right now,” Lynn bites.

Amanda blinks. “Hu– oh.” She looks down for a moment and worries her lip. She entwines the thing around her fingers and lifts them up slightly, just enough for Lynn to see it above the shape of knees.

It’s – a string of wooden beads. Lynn thinks she can squint the shape of a small silver cross somewhere in the middle of the string, and furrows her brows. “I didn’t take you for the religious type.”

“I’m not,” Amanda snaps. “I think it’s all a stupid crock of shit.” She rubs her thumb tenderly over one bead as she says it.

Lynn stares pointedly at the rosary, and saves her breath.

“Just – don’t. Whatever you’re about to say, don’t,” Amanda grits out. She breathes shakily, and takes the rosary in both hands, laying it across her lap and fingering each bead gently, methodically between trembling fingers. She takes another breath, slower and deeper, as if centering herself. It doesn’t seem to help, and she goes back to click-clacking instead. “When he was – I tried everything, at the end. Every pill, every therapy. Nothing helped, really,” the girl murmurs, quiet and unnervingly vulnerable.

Lynn nods. She thinks she knows where this is heading – she’s seen it for herself, in the hospital, the sheer desperation of loved ones – but she stays quiet anyway, waits for the words to tumble from Amanda’s mouth, loathe to interrupt this unexpected moment of sharing.

“I never read as much as I did when I was with him. Homeopathy, philosophy, theology. Fucking medical dictionaries,” Amanda continues. She glances up sharply, meets Lynn’s eye for half a second. “I’m not as stupid as people wanna think.”

“I know,” Lynn murmurs. “First hand,” she adds wryly, and thinks about the horrifyingly expert attempts of manipulation she’d seen her first time meeting the girl. “Go on?”

Amanda’s lips pull into half a smirk, and then she shudders, sucks in a trembling breath. “I read everything. I tried everything. At the end – what harm was it gonna do? He was already half-dead.” Her voice cracks, and a dozen expressions flicker across her face in a moment. “Well – whatever. It didn’t help. It didn’t save him, or me. At least now I know for sure it’s all bullshit.” She stares down at the rosary in her palms for a long moment, considering. “I thought I could save him, if I believed in it hard enough. I thought I could help him like he helped me. Fucking stupid.”

“He didn’t help you, Amanda.” Lynn picks her words carefully, and still kicks herself. “And it’s not stupid,” she murmurs gently, sugar after a harsh pill. “I’ve seen it dozens of times at the hospital. It’s human.”

Amanda blinks again, and seems dumb-founded by the ounce of human kindness that Lynn manages. She stares at Lynn with huge, dark eyes, emotions unreadable. “I really thought he did,” she mumbles, ignoring the proffered syrupy words entirely. “I thought that – Now I don’t know what to think.” She tangles the rosary up in itself absent-mindedly. It knots around her fingers, loops messily, and Amanda says in a small voice, “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I don’t know, Amanda. I don’t know the answer to that either.”

Amanda’s glassy eyes refocus, and she stares at Lynn with furrowed brows. She glances down at the knotted beads, and begins to attempt to untangle them to no avail. “You’re a real fucking help, doc,” she grumbles.

Lynn huffs in frustration, and squeezes the bridge of her nose. Talking to Amanda like this is giving her a headache. She almost wishes they were scrapping again. At least that was straightforward, predictable, rather than this back and forth, up and down. “You think I have the answers? If it’s any consolation, I came here for – I don’t know what, but I’m only more lost,” she grits out between her teeth.

“Well. I can still always kill you,” the girl chirps. Her voice is deceptively light. She has the rosary wrapped and stretched around her fingers so hard that her fingertips are turning white. She flashes a dangerous, empty grin and pulls at the beads harder. “That offer’s still on the table.”

“Thanks so much,” Lynn says flatly. “I’ll let you know if it comes to that.”

Amanda opens her mouth to say something. She flinches and pauses whatever smart-ass retort she has queued up when the string abruptly snaps between her fingers. Wooden beads scatter across tile, and the girl stares in shock as they bounce every which way. She clutches the snapped and now empty string. “Shit–”

Lynn watches one bead roll across the floor and stop at her feet. She glances up at Amanda, who looks like she might be about to cry again. “Feel better?” she asks, cautious.

Amanda stares at the bead at Lynn’s feet, and then at the string. “No,” she whispers. “Fuck, I– I need that,” she garbles, and lurches forward to try and gather the beads up. “I need those–” she repeats hoarsely, and looks crazed, scrabbling around on the floor.

Something tugs at Lynn as she watches for a moment, anxious movements and the girl hunched over on the tiles, hands shaking, playful sarcasm gone. She moves forward before she has time to think, and places her hands over Amanda’s trembling ones. “Amanda.”

The girl glances up, startled. She blinks owlishly. She doesn’t, to her credit, pull away from the unexpected touch.

“Stop. He’s gone,” Lynn murmurs.

Amanda stares, blinks down at the beads surrounding them, and then back at Lynn. Her frame shakes, and she looks about ready to spin out, as if one little piece of string had been all that had held her delusions together up until now.

“He’s gone. You don’t need them,” Lynn says, low and quiet, as soothing as she can possibly manage. “You said yourself, they didn’t help. None of it helped. He’s dead, it’s over, and there’s nothing those can do about it.”

Amanda trembles, and then full-body shudders, bowing her head. She makes a horrible sobbing sound, and then nods. “I – yeah. Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Lynn repeats, and nods, even though Amanda isn’t looking at her anymore. She squeezes cold hands tightly in hers, tight enough that she might worry about hurting her, if they were both different people. She lets the moment breathe, waits and squeezes and stays quiet and still as Amanda seems to try to get herself together, curled over on the floor. It feels familiar, like Amanda hunched and sobbing after John’s seizure, and yet somehow altogether odd.

Finally, the girl sniffs wetly, unpleasantly. She ducks her head, curls her spine to press her wet face to the arms of her hoodie again and wipe away tears harder than necessary. She lets out one tiny, agonised whimper, and then sits back on her haunches and snatches her hands from beneath Lynn’s, tucking them safely back up into her sleeves.

“Ok?” Lynn asks lowly.

Amanda shivers, but doesn’t make another move for the beads, or for Lynn. She straightens her back. “Fine. Fucking fine.”

It’s not very convincing, but Lynn is about at her limit with the touchy-feely stuff that doesn’t come natural to her, and she suspects Amanda is too. She won’t push it. She sits back against the wall again and picks at a loose string on her pants. “Right.”

The girl jerks her head in a nod. She sweeps her sleeves over her cheeks once more, and then she shakes her head. “Bonding time’s over,” she grunts, and stands up, brushing off her pants. She wobbles a little, but stays rigid and upright, and gruffly kicks a few beads Lynn’s way. “Time to go home.”

Lynn watches the girl for a moment, and nods. “Sure, whatever. Good talk,” she says flatly, and gets to her feet, stomping away some pins and needles. Amanda doesn’t look at her or respond, just shoves her hands defensively into her pockets and sweeps through the plastic sheeting as fast as she can without actually fleeing. Lynn follows, a few paces behind, wary but somewhat relieved as they leave the tomb of the meat plant.

They step back out into blinding sun and heat rising off concrete in funny waves, and it occurs to Lynn that: one, she has never seen Amanda in the sunlight before, and two, Amanda is leaving the plant. She is going somewhere. “Where are you going to go?” Lynn reluctantly asks, shielding her eyes from the sun in the warehouse yard. It’s not that she cares, really – more that if Amanda is going to be hanging around the city, Lynn would like to be aware of it, maybe have an inkling of whether to expect to have another altercation.

Amanda jumps, as if she’d forgotten that Lynn was there at all. There’s that lack of care, again, that Lynn finds mildly concerning. The girl shrugs nonchalantly, and produces a pair of black sunglasses from her pocket. They look fucking ridiculous, and don’t make her look any less conspicuous, but Lynn supposes they do at least make her a little more anonymous. In this light, her face is bright and pale, like an overexposed photo. The scars at the corners of her mouth are barely visible. Dressed like this, she could be almost anyone, could fade into a crowd like a ghost. The thought makes Lynn shudder.

“See where I end up, I guess,” Amanda chirps, laying on the false bravado once more. “Wouldn’t wanna tell you, anyway. You might hand me in.” She grins, and looks insane, with her hood and sunglasses and generally dishevelled appearance.

“If I was going to call the police, don’t you think I would have done it by now?” Lynn sighs.

Amanda shrugs again. “I don’t know. You’re an enigma.” She smirks a little, almost lecherous, and then furrows her brow. “Anyway. This has been fun. Let’s not do it again sometime, ok?” And with one more unsettling grin, she heads off in a random direction, as if she knows where she’s going or where she’ll end up. Lynn is left standing outside a derelict crime scene, scratching her scarred belly through her coat and trying to remember the taxi rank phone number.

AO3

#saw #saw 3 #lynnmanda #shotgunshipping #amanda young #lynn denlon #rated t #prompt #asks #oneshot #angst #character study #ish #2024

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zepskies · 1 year ago

Text

Why We Love the Boys

As promised, here is my review of Supes Ain’t Always Heroes. I actually used to write book reviews in my high school journalism days, so here we go!

What this book is: A masterful deep dive. A study on character psychology, the source of the comic and show’s inspiration, and the narrative themes illustrated in The Boys that parallel American culture and our real lives.

It includes interviews from one of the comic’s creators, Darick Robertson, The Krip himself (Eric Kripke), and actors Jim Beaver (Robert Singer), Aya Cash (Stormfront), Chace Crawford (The Deep), Jessie T. Usher (A-Train), Nathan Mitchell (Black Noir), and of course, Jensen Ackles (Soldier Boy).

It also includes a small but significant ode to the creativity of fans and fandom (with a mention of fanfic writers)!

I’ll admit, I felt seen. 😊

Who wrote it: Psychologists Lynn S. Zubernis and Matthew Snyder, among several other contributors. Zubernis is a self-proclaimed fangirl of not only this show, but also of Supernatural and Eric Kripke in general. (That aspect definitely comes through in her writing.)

She is also editor of Family Don’t End with Blood: Cast and Fans on How Supernatural Changes Lives and There’ll Be Peace When you Are Done: Actors and Fans Celebrate the Legacy of Supernatural—both of which I now want to read.

As I mentioned, several other authors also contributed to this book, as their expertise and backgrounds lend to the subjects they’re covering, such as racism, sexism, the entertainment industry, the comic’s inception, and more.

Who wants to read this book: Anyone who enjoys learning about what makes characters tick. What drives their choices, their sense of morality and justice, and their trauma and strife that lead them to do heinous things. This book will help you better understand your favorite characters (and how to write about them).

Perhaps most importantly, this book is for anyone who wants to read it put into words, why many of us love The Boys, as well as Supernatural.

In a way, the latter is more escapism entertainment than The Boys. Because in this show, there isn’t much, if any escape.

Despite this being a “superhero show,” as we all know, it’s so much more than that. It’s a mirror held directly into our own faces: about why we enjoy heroes and antiheroes, and excuse the “bad behavior” of the ones we like.

About mental health, grief and loss, nature and nurture, coping mechanisms and the importance of choice in dealing with trauma; of racism, sexism, misogyny, weaponized social media, politics, corporate greed, and the power (and cruelty) of good marketing.

This book explores the true villain of the story...and it ain’t Homelander.

I’m going to get into my favorite aspects of this book—as well as an amazing chapter on Soldier Boy’s character study (and why we love him, perhaps too much).

There was also one small, but key thing I would add to that argument. But first...

The Mirror of The Boys on Screen

This world is a gritty, bloody, and at times all-too realistic take on how superheroes would be if they lived in our world.

They are the worst of celebrities, professional athletes, and politicians all rolled into one. They are the shiny products of a company and are marketed as such—and worst of all, they often buy into their own hype.

Some of my favorite quotes on this topic:

“The Boys often reflects darkness in our real world that is uncomfortable to watch. While we go through the tedium of our daily lives, trying to get by and using television or comics as an escape, it can feel difficult and overwhelming to confront the very real and insidious sources of authoritarianism, nationalism, and corporatism that are not just part of a story. “This show holds up a mirror and forces us to catch a glimpse of things we need to question, and asks us why we so easily believe the talking points of systems with marketing departments and press flacks behind them that carefully massage every word in order to get us to feel enamored with their product or policy.” (p. 227-228)

“The Boys works to reveal the nonaltruistic, sociopathic nature of contemporary US corporate culture. In a sense, The Boys uses the behavior of its characters to diagnose not an individual, but a culture.” (255)

In studying narrative I’ve learned that the best fiction and art serve to reflect the human experience. In this case, it’s something The Boys does expertly, even though it’s packaged in extreme, shocking, and often uncomfortable ways. But also in brutal, hilarious satire that’s fun to watch.

It “exposes real-world abuses, revealing many” of our own frustrations in American culture and in life in general (267).

Major Themes & Questions Explored

Several Boys themes are explored from a psychological, cultural, and narrative point of view, as I mentioned earlier. These are some of my favorite segments:

Toxic Masculinity & Narcissism

A whopper in The Boys, and the main theme of season 3. This book defines clearly what both of these words actually mean from a psychological point of view.

It also takes the bad taste out of your mouth that you might get from just hearing the words “toxic masculinity,” as it’s a phrase that can be carelessly thrown around to describe men and character traits that aren’t truly toxic...

How being emotionally available to your loved ones and not repressive of your feelings doesn’t make you weak, or less of a man. And how “being strong” doesn’t mean being physically violent and domineering. (AKA: the Big Swinging Dick™️ in the room.)

Narcissism is explored in a very interesting way. The book gives a diagram of different aspects of narcissists and how each character (Soldier Boy, Homelander, Butcher, and the Deep) falls into them.

Soldier Boy, for example, is classified as a “Classic Narcissist,” while Homelander a “Malignant Narcissist.” <- This will play into Soldier Boy’s character study, and the main difference between Soldier Boy and Homelander.

Butcher, however, displays narcissistic tendencies but is not, in fact, a narcissist. (More of an antisocial sociopath. Yay for him.)

Misogyny & Sexism

The classic superhero world of comics dates back to the 1930s and ‘40s. It has been, and in many respects still is a (White) male-dominated industry, where in narrative, female superheroes typically work under a male leading the team, as in Justice League, Teen Titans, and the Avengers.

As much as I love DC and Marvel comics, female characters have also been depicted wildly sexual for male readers and the male gaze, and non-supe characters have been written primarily as love interests and damsels for the hero to save. (Think Lois Lane, Lana Lang, and Mary Jane.)

Modern adaptions have given female characters more agency, but their foundations were rooted in underlying sexism and the mythic hero—an Odysseus-type with certain characteristics of male strength and heroism; and that goes all the way back to classic literature, like The Odyssey, Beowulf, and the Epic of Gilgamesh.

In The Boys, the female supes go through the same issues as their comic counterparts. They are treated how women are treated in the real world—marketable as sexual objects. Starlight’s forced costume change is a prime example.

Author Danielle Turchiano argues in the book that the women in power at Vought (Madelyn Stillwell, later Ashley) are given only so much power as men like Stan Edgar and Homelander give to them.

Stillwell, Ashley, and even Stormfront “drink the Kool Aid” of the misogynistic infrastructure of Vought, but they’re not truly “powerful” in and of themselves (112).

I would add that the only female characters that have or find true agency are Grace Mallory, Annie January/Starlight, and Maggie Shaw/Queen Maeve. Even Victoria Neuman is trying to work the political schematic and Vought by operating within the system Vought has created.

Mental Health, Trauma & Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

This is a huge section, and rightly so. It kind of spans throughout the book, really, because all of these characters have traumas that inform who they are as adults making the (often grotesque) choices they make.

For many of these characters, it stems from their upbringing and fraught relationships with their parents, whether explicitly or implicitly explored in the show.

Butcher: Is an antisocial sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. Arrogant, emotionally manipulative, violent, and obsessive. He was also physically and emotionally abused by his father, led to use drinking and violence as a means to cope and express himself. His rage is so deep under his skin—he loathes himself for it (and his father), but struggles immensely to escape it.

Homelander (John): A malignant narcissist, the height of arrogance, and emotionally manipulative. He lacks empathy for others' pain, and in fact enjoys inflicting it. Yet according to Jonah Vogelbaum, "John" was a sensitive, gentle child who only wanted connection and love. Vogelbaum raised him like a lab rat and fostered him in a cold, detached cell. He was raised to be entitled and to believe he was an all-powerful god, the lord of his own kingdom within his mind, excused from the responsibility of his actions.

Soldier Boy (Ben): Also a narcissist; violent, arrogant, misogynistic, and often indifferent to the damage he causes, emotional or physical. Yet he was also emotionally abused by his father, who set high and exacting standards for what it meant to be a man. It drives Ben to try and prove his worth to his father, though he’s never able to. It fosters the lack of self-worth he probably feels as he seeks validation through fame, and what he believes power to be.

These three characters have many similarities, but also notable differences that set them apart from one another. And both Butcher and Soldier Boy use substances like drugs and alcohol to cope with their traumas—ones that their forced stoicism and sense of manhood won’t allow them to easily express.

“We see Soldier Boy use substances almost continuously in season three to deal with his PTSD from the childhood emotional abuse he received from his father, the betrayal and assault from his team, and the torture he endured from the Russian scientists.

“In the short term, the use of drugs and alcohol to avoid thoughts and feelings about traumatic experiences can be felt as helpful, but in the long term, it hinders one’s ability to process emotions and can cause a deeper depression from the guilt and shame of both avoidance and substance abuse.” (27)

Heroes, Antiheroes & Villains

This book explores two key questions that the show encourages you to think about:

Who the hell is the hero of this story?

And who is the villain?

The surface-level answer is that Homelander and other supes like him are the villains, and Butcher and his band of bros are the heroes (or antiheroes). But they commit just as questionable, sketchy, and downright murderous acts as the supes they’re trying to take down.

“Butcher is not really a good guy. He’s manipulative and self-centered. His reasons for wanting to take down Homelander are utterly personal. That it serves the greater good is almost a coincidence.” (9)

And if Butcher is not a hero, but a vengeful vigilante, then why do we root for him so much?

Well, we see his incredible flaws, of course, but I sympathize with his struggle in losing his wife and the life he could've continued to have with her. I root for the underdog going against the hydra head of Vought and the psychopathic Homelander.

I see in Butcher, as I also do with Homelander and Soldier Boy, their traumas and their internal conflicts, their deep-rooted self-loathing, and a desire, deep, deep down…to be loved.

(And to foster connection with others, even if they’re unable to sustain them.)

On the flipside, we have antagonists in this show who do truly heinous things. What makes them compelling even sympathetic at times, yet again, are their painful upbringings that have shaped them to be who they are. The supes of this show are byproducts of being treated like products.

Like the saying goes: Villains aren’t born, they’re made.

That’s why the real villain of this story is Vought International. It’s an allegory, and an indictment of the ruthless corporate greed that pervades American culture—and much of the world.

It’s why Stan Edgar is sometimes scarier to me than even Homelander (and was the true villain of my story, Break Me Down), if far more insidious.

Speaking of BMD, let’s get to it, shall we?

Here’s a (lot) bit about the Soldier Boy section of the book.

Soldier Boy: Why We Can’t Hate Him

I had to laugh out loud at the title of Soldier Boy’s chapter:

Loving the Villain: The Confusing Case of Soldier Boy

I’m not gonna lie. I felt called out. 😂

It is a confusing dichotomy. Soldier Boy is an absolute asshole. Misogynistic, narcissistic, arrogant, callous, violent…

But also deeply traumatized, a man-out-of-time, emotionally abused, a byproduct of the historically and culturally different time he was raised in, a man who just doesn’t get it…

And also charming, adorably grumpy, and undoubtedly attractive.

It’s hard to indict “Ben” as an unredeemable villain in the same way I do Homelander, the psychologist-labelled Malignant Narcissist.

Therein lies the main difference between Soldier Boy and Homelander: Soldier Boy doesn’t seem to take joy in harming others the way Homelander does...but, Soldier Boy still harms people, whether he means to or not. He is arrogant and callous, deeply traumatized and vengful.

Zubernis confirms many of my own conclusions and ideas about Soldier Boy, and why I still rooted for him to be better, and didn’t want him to die at the end of season 3.

As Zubernis rightly exclaimed during her own watch of the finale: “Noooo, don’t kill the Danger Grandpa Baby Murder Kitten!” (175)

Because Jensen did what he does best in his roles: He made us feel Ben’s pain.

“What’s funny is, in regard to Jensen playing Soldier Boy, you know he’s fucking fantastic, he’s just so good at bringing the audience, and it’s almost like—what I laugh about is, he was probably a little too good at his job!” Kripke said. (180)

And he continues, “In part it’s because of the fandom. So many people took his side in the finale, they’re like, Were’s on his side, fuck everyone! And you’re like, but he’s the bad guy and he’s trying to kill a ten-year-old.”

Were there fans who held this viewpoint? I’m sure. There are some radicals who don’t care about the humanity of characters or story and will side with their favorites, come whatever. But while I can’t speak for others, that’s not how I interpreted that moment in the season 3 finale when I watched it for the first, second, and even third time.

Yes, I think Soldier Boy was wrongfully willing to fight Ryan after cruelly batting him away. Do I think he would’ve killed him? I’m not sure. I think he would’ve continued to do what he had to do to get Ryan out of his way in his fight with Homelander. Maybe he would’ve been more violent than he intended, in the callous collateral damage he’d shown throughout the season. Maybe he would've held back at the last second. Or maybe he would’ve gone that far, if provoked.

It’s a tough call, as I think this character can go one way or the other in terms of his “villain” nature. We just haven’t seen enough of him in the series yet for me to make that conclusion on the canon-version of Soldier Boy. (In fanfic, I’ve explored my own interpretation.)

But overall, I think The Krip underestimated the power of Jensen’s acting.

…And the ardent nature of his mostly female fanbase. 😂

Why We Love Soldier Boy

The author cites multiple reasons for why we love Ben more than we probably should:

It’s Jensen Ackles: Fair enough. His talent speaks for itself.

Soldier Boy’s backstory: He was emotionally abused by his father and as a result, he has a complex regarding his self-worth, “something to prove,” and I would imagine a secret need for attention, validation, and praise.

He has trauma and PTSD: He is displaced from what is familiar to him and confused when the boys find him, and that is the least of it. He’s been tortured for 40 years. Can you even wrap your mind around that? (*cough cough Dean Winchester in Hell cough*)

He’s charming: In a sexy grandpa, adorably grumpy, lovable asshole kind of way.

We’re drawn to danger: Dangerous “edgy” types are fun, especially when you’re physically attracted to the character.

He has his moments of vulnerability: Jensen’s ability to play the nuance in the character is the ultimate draw. I felt his pain, could see his torture, and his resulting PTSD. He even admits that he longs for a family, even if his ability to bring up those children is questionable at best. 😅

But I think the one aspect that can also be considered is the character’s capacity for change.

Soldier Boy’s Potential

Again, I don’t think you can write off Soldier Boy’s potential for positive character development the same way you can Homelander, or even Butcher.

For one thing, we just haven’t spent enough time with the character. In season 3, a lot of his collateral damage after he escapes imprisonment has been accidental, or PTSD-induced. Though we can’t discount how he murdered M.M.’s grandfather via collateral damage (and was callous about it).

I think this is what drew me to write about Soldier Boy. For all his arrogance, his chauvinism, his massive ego and general bastardry, there’s still humanity in Ben.

In the book, Nathan Mitchell says something amazing about his own character (Black Noir) that resonated with me about Soldier Boy as well:

"One of the ingredients of a compelling character is contradiction. How does one aspect of our personality contradict with one another? [...] Who is he underneath? How might his true nature contrast with the demands of his job?"

Or coded for Soldier Boy/Ben: The pressures he puts on himself to be the type of man he thought his father wanted him to be.

Again, his sexist, misogynistic ideals are shaped by the time he was raised in, by being a product of Vought, and of his father’s emotionally abusive upbringing. Does this excuse or justify all of his behavior? Of course not.

But I do think those 40 years in captivity changed him from the careless alpha dog we saw in 1984 Nicaragua…

He admits to Crimson Countess, with tears in his eyes, that he’d loved her. That he waited for her and his team—arguably the only social system he had in his life—to save him. He’s gutted to realize that not only did she and the rest of the team never love him, they hated him. They traded him for nothing. Just to get him out of their lives.

For all he claims to be afraid of nothing, tough as shit, he is afraid when he goes to face Mindstorm. He knows what the supe is capable of, and he visibly takes a shaky breath and tries to steel himself.

For a moment, he drops the “Soldier Boy” persona that he wears like that fine tailored suit, and he tells Butcher that the backstory Vought created for him was a lie; he grew up a rich kid who got sent to boarding school, but flunked out, because "he was a fuck up." And his father couldn’t be bothered to lay a hand on him, implying he didn’t care enough about his own son to "discipline" him.

He is reluctant to kill Homelander when he finds out he’s Ben’s son (sort of). He even claims that he would’ve been willing to share the spotlight “with his own son.” — Something I doubt even Homelander would do.

Ben even seems to be fighting tears when he levies the same vitriol at Homelander that his own father did at him:

Homelander: “Weak? I’m you.” Soldier Boy: “I know. You’re a fucking disappointment.”

Let me be clear. I don’t think it’s up to someone to change him (like a love interest). I don’t subscribe to that thinking, that a woman can “change” a man.

For example: In season 2, Butcher tells Becca, “Who was I before you? Nothing.”

And yet, she tells him that he put her on an unrealistic and unsustainable pedestal, in which she felt like she wasn’t allowed to fully be herself, unable to keep him from flying off the handle in rage. That kind of relationship (where one is dependent on the other to “keep them in check”) doesn’t work as a lasting, satisfying redemption arc, and it often doesn’t work in real life either.

I do think, however, that a person is capable of change if they’re broken down enough (pun intended), and if they themselves have a desire to change. Someone they encounter can inspire them to be better, like Butcher with Hughie. That person can help support the other.

At the end of the day, however, it’s Ben that has to want to change.

If he wants love and connection, he’ll have to somehow want it, and try (and sometimes fail) to get it, thereby giving him agency and a redemptive character arc.

Now, obviously, it’s up to The Krip where Ben goes from here. He seems to have a more indicting vision of the character than I do (at least, so far). But we’ll see! The fan demand to bring back the character has already had Kripke confirming that Soldier Boy will be back.

Maybe it will encourage him to give the character a more satisfying ending than Dean Winchester got in Supernatural. Though granted, that one wasn’t his doing, apparently he was in favor of that ending, which ultimately culminated 15 years of monster slaying and broments under Baby's roof.

Comparing Dean & Ben

In his interview segment, Jensen talks about what, if any, are the comparisons between Dean Winchester and Soldier Boy. AKA: Wanting a father’s approval, and an undercurrent of “John Wayne”-esque masculinity in John Winchester that Dean sought to emulate.

Jensen also talks about where he drew from to not only embody the character of Soldier Boy, but bring nuance to him—and show the peeks of vulnerability under the bravado and stoicism.

“He’s so fragile and his ego is fragile. Just like Homelander. These bigger-than-life powerful heroes really have a glass jaw… “And everyone walks on eggshells around him [Soldier Boy], and they tell him that they love him, and it’s the same with Homelander. Then when all of a sudden he faces his old team and Crimson Countess says we never loved you, we hated you—that’s a gut punch for him. Because even though on some level he may have known that, he never thought he would hear it. “And he probably propped himself up around trying to believe otherwise, because how can you walk around knowing everyone you’ve ever cared about hates you? It’s too painful.” (191)

It really is. I inherently felt this about Soldier Boy (Ben) when I watched season 3 for the first time. That’s exactly what I got from his performance and thought, there’s more to this guy than the toxic masculinity he represents.

This guy just wants to be loved, like everyone else. He wants to feel important, and even after his father’s dead, “show him” that Ben is the man his father wanted him to be. And so, he bought into the illusion Vought painstakingly crafted for him.

Whether he can come back from that remains to be seen, but I choose to be optimistic until evidence points to the contrary. 😅 (Maybe we’ll see in season 4!)

So that’s my personal take on Soldier Boy and this awesome book. 💚 Thank you again @kaleldobrev for recommending it to me! I hope you all enjoyed my long-winded review and want to check this out.

And if you do read it, let me know! I hope to read your thoughts as well!

Tagging people who said they wanted to read my review on this book: @venus-haze @jessjad @kristophalis @sl33pylilbunny

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