#surviving narcissist abuse

[oops-wedrovethedownwithcisbus]

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

[traumathiccndramatic]

Child- the toxic manipulation.

Someone please stop teaching these insecure men therapy terms before they choke on them?

Bro I so bad wanted him to be decent, but what a fucking piece of shit.

A boundary does NOT equate to being able to control your partners appearance.

A boundary is don’t touch me without consent, don’t sneak up on me it triggers me. Don’t just show up unannounced. If I ask for space, give me space. Even- hey I know you love this show. But it triggers my anxiety and at least for now. I don’t want to watch it. I’ll try again later when I’m in a better head space.

A boundary is NOT don’t wear this, don’t wear that, don’t talk to men, don’t take sexy pictures. Then chastise when your partner doesn’t follow your demands to the letter.

This sounds more like a hostage negotiation than it does a fucking relationship.

Stop trying to turn happy bad bitches, into miserable sad bitches just like you.

If you can’t handle them? Leave. But don’t you dare try to make them feel bad for being the person that attracted them to begin with.

Why is Danny Mcbride the least problematic of your squad?

Fucking hipster bitches who call themselves a feminist and act like this. You are worse than the ones that just come right out and show their toxic/sexist card. The “sensitive” Big eyed velvet painting guys who pretend to be different then say the most foul shit about women.

[quitblamingnarcissism]

Your parents are not "narcissists". They're typical authoritarian assholes who treat you like their property because society allows them to.

Your ex boyfriend is not a "narcissist". He's a typical misogynistic douchebag who treats women like shit because society allows him to.

Your boss is not a "narcissist". They're a typical classist dipshit who thinks workers' entire purpose in life is to generate profit because society allows them to.

And even if they happen to be a "narcissist", that's not what gave them the power to get away with abuse.

So stop blaming mental illness and start blaming society's normalization of abuse. Stop acting like someone has to have a mental illness in order to do something cruel when ordinary people have been doing atrocious things since forever.

[spookietrex]

Daily reminder that no one belongs in your life if they can't respect your boundaries!

[doomsdayradio]

hey maybe, when people with npd tell you not to call abusers and rapists and the like narcissistic just because they're horrible people, view it not as us defending abusers or trying to control how victims talk about their trauma, and more like i as a survivor don't wanna be fucking put in the same category as an abuser or rapist for no fucking reason because you can't bring it upon yourself to spell the word egotistical

[narcissism-awareness]

A guide to NPD for anyone who doesn't understand it!

What is NPD?

NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a mental illness in the cluster B personality disorder category.

NPD usually stems from childhood abuse or other unhealthy childhood situations. In my case, abuse.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms of NPD include an unstable sense of self, prioritizing yourself, having unstable relationships, having low/no empathy, and depression/self hatred.

These can be improved upon, but disordered thoughts will likely remain for most.

Can pwNPD have healthy relationships?

Yes, with effort and work. Plenty can have healthy and successful relationships. (like me, for example, in a loving relationship with my boyfriend)

We have a to be a bit more aware of how we treat others, but it helps when both the person with NPD and the partner set boundaries with each other. With communication, we can be great partners.

And yes, we can feel love and care about our partner(s). Empathy ≠ love. Empathy ≠ compassion.

Why does the term "Narcissistic abuse" harm pwNPD?

Because of the name, anything said about "narcissists" is also associated with us, even if you weren't talking about NPD. If you were, that's just blatant ableism.

Many of also call ourselves narcissists either just as a descriptor or to reclaim it.

Other terms like emotional abuse, gaslighting, and plenty others describe the same thing without ableist roots. Please, speak out about your abuse, but avoid using ableist terms.

But my therapist/psychiatrist uses the term "narcissistic abuse," how can it be ableist?

Sadly, ableism isn't that uncommon from medical professionals. Plenty use terms like "narcissistic abuse" and other ableist terms.

Why not just advocate to change the name of NPD?

Even if the name changed, it would still be ableist. We have another cluster B disorder that got a name change that we can look to for example of what happens.

You used to be able to be clinically diagnosed as a "psychopath," which has since been changed to ASPD. However, people still use the terms "psychopath" and "sociopath" to refer to ASPD. All the stigma around those words still applies to them.

I imagine similar would happen if we changed the name of NPD. It wouldn't matter, we'd still be called narcissists. And the term would still be ableist because it would still hurt us.

[narcitism]

narc abuse truthers really say "My ex was a narcissist!" no honey, no. we love ourselves too much to date you.

[nothing0fnothing]

oh so narcissistic abuse isn't real?

Then explain to me why my mom's best friends when I was 13 was a group of 15 year old mean girls who would openly bully me in front of her, but she desperately needed the literal children to think she was cool so she'd bully me with them and would like, store up information about my week like how long I engaged in my special interests or what kind of stimming I was doing and then she'd turn up to youth group in her bedazzled skinny jeans, walk right past me like she didn't just drive me here and sit on the table with these teenage girls with a "you'd never guess what Cordelia got up to this week." And the other adults who ran the youth group were really confused and obviously really uncomfortable with this 40 year old woman using her role as a trusted adult in the group to bully her autistic tween daughter but also the situation was so weird nobody got involved till the girls parents did and asked why a 40 year old woman was cultivating a "special relationship" with their kids but she was convinced she was the victim in the situation and she was being punished by these parents for caring too much about the youth group and she would vent TO ME about how mean these other mom's were being to her and how unfair it was and this whole time we were showing up every week, she'd bully the fuck out of me for 2 or 3 hours then we'd go home and she'd switch up on me and tell me that I too could have a chance to sit with the girls who she was literally helping to make my life hell but I just had to start being normal and then she'd buy me a milkshake or something as if that made everything she'd done all evening OK.

Is that just regular abuse or do you think there was maybe some other factors at play there that makes that situation a bit different?

[theconcealedweapon]

Abusive parents literally look at any problem in society and believe that it's caused by children not being physically abused enough.

Police officers literally believe that it's their right to kill people for disobeying them.

And these people find supporters very easily.

It's very clear that abuse isn't caused by personality disorders. If an abuser has a personality disorder, it's a completely irrelevant trait, just like their height or hair color.

[oops-wedrovethedownwithcisbus]

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

Narc abuse doesn't exist, you're just ableist !!

[drcaglestein-blog]

When breaking generational curses, don’t expect support from those who passed it on.

[quitblamingnarcissism]

Slaves who tried to escape were considered mentally ill. Slave owners were not.

Witches were considered mentally ill. People who burned them were not.

People who can't handle the stress of working a full time job are considered mentally ill. People who profit from overworking them, underpaying them, and replacing them in cold blood when they drop dead are not.

Mental illness has never been even close to an accurate determination of evil.

[abnormalpsychology]

[bindibites]

Hey so it's June 1st, start of pride month! But... it's also labeled as "World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day."

It's a day about educating people on narcissistic abuse, so that's what I'm going to do! (Spoilers, it's not real, and the guy who coined it was really shitty too.)

Narcissistic Abuse was coined by Sam Vaknin back in the 90s, an Israeli writer, philosopher, and physicist. A man who;

- Has claimed that being homosexual and having relationships that are gay is narcissistic because its wanting to make love with a reflection of yourself.

- That being transgender and seeking out transition is narcissistic because you are "disregarding your true gender."

- That not wanting to be gatekept from transitioning is entitled and narcissistic.

- Has no qualifications for psychology or psychiatry. (He even has a disclaimer on his website about how he's not a mental health professional, funny!)

- Was arrested and jailed for security frauds in 1996.

There's also a whole slew of him being misogynistic, a rape apologist, and Islamaphobic during interviews.

(Sources below the cut at the end of the post!)

So what is narcissistic abuse defined as?

"Narcissistic abuse is a form of abuse stemming from narcissistic behaviors. It can be emotional, psychological, or physical. Narcissistic characteristics can involve volatile behavior, lack of empathy, and aggression. Narcissistic abuse may include gaslighting, constant criticism, humiliation, and coercion."

Now, what's so bad about labeling this as narcissistic abuse?

The truth of the matter is that's it's misleading and demonizing people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

All of the traits described are not exclusive to narcissists, and terms already exist for these types of abuse without putting the blame on those who have a personality disorder!

Emotional Abuse: "Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, and more."

Psychological Abuse: "Psychological abuse involves the regular and deliberate use of a range of words and non-physical actions used with the purpose to manipulate, hurt, weaken or frighten a person mentally and emotionally; and/or discomfort, confuse, or influence a person's thoughts and actions."

Those both sound familiar don't they?

"But Bindi! You can't tell me the abuse I went through isn't real!"

And I'm not! This post isn't to discredit anyone's experiences with being abused but is asking for a reflection on the terminology used to make the world better for all of us.

What you went through is real, but there's never an excuse for contributing to the stigma and demonization of people who didn't ask to be the way that they are.

Someone's disorder didn't abuse you, the person did.

And no, you can't separate narcissism from NPD. You aren't a narcissist without NPD. There is no way to get around using the term narcissistic abuse without it reflecting right back onto people struggling with a literal disorder.

Now, what actually is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

NPD is defined by the DSM-5 as "a compromising pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts."

It is a cluster B personality disorder, a type of PD classified by difficulties regulating emotions and behavior. These behaviors can be considered dramatic, emotional, or erratic.

NPD is a manageable disorder through psychotherapy and medication management!

But big of all... while the exact cause of NPD isn't known, it's believed that a mix of genetic features and early childhood experiences can contribute to someone developing NPD. Some of these factors are accounted to being abused and neglected ourselves.

Many narcissists are themselves survivors of abuse and face constant calls to further abuse us for existing with a disorder due to the damage and dehumanization of narcissists caused by Vaknin.

The coining of narcissistic abuse and its continued, prevalent usage has done irreparable damage. It is dehumanizing, demonizing and has contributed to stigmatization that has made finding help resources and people willing to aid those with NPD a hell of a lot harder.

Dehumanizing people will always lead down a horrible path of people deciding who to target, who’s acceptable to target and inevitably more abuse, violations of peoples rights as humans, and excessive, avoidable collateral damage.

It’s also done damage to people who are survivors of abuse, because in the end its a term that really helps nobody and holds so little actual meaning when describing abuse because it’s inaccurate in its name and general meaning; there are other more distinct, non-harmful terms that get you so much further in describing the events you had gone through.

In conclusion, happy pride month! Stop parroting the words of a raging bigot and do some self reflection after reading this post.

Thank you.

Sources below the cut for your convenience .

Full text these exerpts are from can be found here (Transphobic & Homophobic)

Found here (Unqualified for the things he’s been saying)

Also formerly read directly as

links to Vaknin’s website , interviews and medium articles

here are some excerpts from these:

Jacobsen: You agree with First Wave Feminism and Second Wave Feminism, and disagree with Third Wave Feminism and Fourth Wave Feminism. What defines them?

Vaknin: First and second wave feminisms (in plural: there are many schools) were focused on leveling the playing field and fighting abusive and exploitative practices such as prostitution and pornography.

Starting with the suffragettes, they focused on the franchise (the right to vote), equal wages, access (to healthcare, education, the workplace, daycare), revising the dress code (“rational dress”), the right to own and dispose of property, and converting marriage from indentured bondage to an intimate, hopefully lifelong equal partnership.

The third wave was a psychopathic outgrowth. While claiming to be inclusive and permissive, it was a defiant and reckless attempt to “empower” women by eliminating all boundaries, conventions, and mores of any kind in all fields of life.

What women have garnered from the confluence of the three waves is that they should make their careers the pivot of their lives, avoid meaningful, committed relationships with men, and pursue sex as a pastime with any man.

Ironically, the third wave played right into the hands of predatory men (“players”) who took advantage of the newfangled promiscuity while assiduously avoiding any hint of commitment or investment. Third wave feminists internalized the male gaze (“internalized oppression”) and pride themselves on being “sluts”.

The fourth wave of feminism is focused on real problems such as sexual harassment, rape, and body shaming as well as intersectionality (discrimination of women who belong to more than one minority). In many ways, it is an offshoot of second wave feminism. - Prof. Vaknin on Misogyny and Misandry (Misogynistic)

Militant Islam is, therefore, not a cancerous mutation of “true” Islam. On the contrary, it is the purest expression of its nature as an imperialistic religion which demands unmitigated obedience from its followers and regards all infidels as both inferior and avowed enemies. Islam is a young religion. At a similar phase in the development of their respective religions, both Jews and Christians behaved the way Muslims do today: paranoid, hostile, murderous, suicidal, fatalistic, apocalyptic, and nihilistic. Death cults arose in all these three monotheistic faiths. - Islam and Liberalism: Total Ideologies (Islamaphobic)

Nonconsensual sex is a crime and should always be punished harshly.

But falsely promising sex by word or by abundance of unequivocal actions should be equally criminalized as a form of fraudulent misconduct.

Men should be able to recover costs and damages from these "playful" counterparties, including for distress and hurt feelings.

Promises - made verbally or behaviorally - are binding and should be kept: look up promissory estoppel and breach of promise (mainly in marriage). Leading on and misrepresentation should be a crime not only in business and should have adverse actionable and tort or public reputation consequences and not only in politics. - Sex or Gender By Dr. Sam Vaknin (Rape apologia)

McLean Hospital, NPD Provider Guide

[mergaliscious]

it's interesting how every trait that ppl use to demonize narcissists (except for the ridiculous ones to demonize that are actually harmless) is also very prevalent among the general population, especially among untraumatized and privileged individuals

like yeah, *some* narcissists are assholes, but the traits that make them assholes are extremely common among people who don't have NPD and were simply never told they have to care about other people

it's like neurotypicals/egotypicals will accept this sort of behavior *unless* it was developed as a coping mechanism. Like it's only bad if it's a symptom of mental illness. And fuck that.

[narcitism]

they make us sound kinda badass