#supposedly i were abt to post this earlier

[ruinxl0ve]

Moth girl

[strawglicks]

GRAHAM PAYSER IS INSECURE AS HELL

So ive been thinking abt this for some time and i decided i needed to make a post about it bc people were SHOCKED when i pointed it out and like. Is this new???? I thought it was obvious . But if its not, thats what this post is for <3

heres why grahams super insecure actually

Need for Validation

So graham needs attention and validation from other people NONSTOP.

from asking flint to validate everything he just said

to waking up cathal so they'll agree with him

to just seeking people's attention in general.

He cannot just be content with himself on his own, he needs other people to constantly reassure him that he’s right. He claims to be confident but isn’t satisfied with just himself, he needs other people to fill that void

Projecting

The ending cutscene is the biggest case of Graham projecting onto other people AND one of the biggest points where his insecurity shows.

He is EXHAUSTED from his own fight but he can't handle the failure, so he flips everything he's feeling onto the toons instead.

He spends this whole cutscene realizing he's lost and DESPERATELY trying to cover it up because he can't admit defeat, which reeks of insecurity by itself.

It opens with him realizing he's lost and immediately trying to cover up the fact he's upset about it.

He tries to flip the situation and make it seem like the toons lost the fight and puts them down for it because he doesn't want to put HIMSELF down. He doesn't even allow himself to fail, he has to be perfect.

He also straight up lies here. Graham was putting his ALL into this fight, proven by how he collapses from exhaustion at the end. There are no other forms, he wasn't getting started. He was trying his very best and still failed and that destroys him. Again, he can't handle the failure so he just. Lies at this part.

More projecting and trying to make it out as if the toons lost . He himself desperately needs a breather because he burned himself out, but again, he can't handle that fact because he's desperate to be perfect.

Not the ending cutscene but another point worth mentioning in terms of projecting. He brags about burning out the toons yet has a habit of burning HIMSELF out.

The fact he collapses at the end of his fight means he overworks himself to the absolute limits in desperation to be the best. If he's really so great, he shouldn't have to try so hard to prove it. Which brings me to the next point

Trying Too Hard

Someone who is genuinely content with themselves shouldn’t feel like they have to PROVE they are content, yet that’s what Graham constantly does. He is always trying so hard and putting on a show for the people around him to PROVE that he’s confident.

Someone who feels good about themselves shouldn’t have to shove that fact down everyone’s throats. This drives back to the validation point in which he needs people to pay attention to and validate him.

Fantasizing About Success

Graham obsesses over a better version of himself despite claiming to be so confident with who he is currently.

He's not satisfied with where he currently stands. He craves more power, attention and success because he is insecure with where he is now. There's no reason for someone so supposedly confident and perfect to be chasing after a better version of themselves.

Can't Admit Failures

Touched on this earlier with the projecting. Graham insists he's perfect and anytime he fails it immediately makes him panic. Someone who's happy and content with themselves should also be able to accept their flaws, but that's not what Graham does.

When his position for the job is threatened, he immediately loses it.

When he loses his fight, he immediately scrambles for excuses and some way to put himself back on top.

Graham may have a huge ego, but it's a fragile one at that.

Graham’s confidence is a facade. This isn't to say he's doing it intentionally; I honestly think he isn't even aware of his insecurity and genuinely believes he is confident and above others. But people like Graham will often obsess over the IDEA of being confident and above others because they lack it in reality. It’s not just a facade to convince others he’s on top, it’s also to convince HIMSELF he’s on top.

TLDR; oh hes a little fucked up actually.

To finish this off u can have this image i made the other day featuring one of my fav Grahams ive ever drawn LMAO

It pretty much repeats what’s already been said

[fatalitysficbakery]

hey bae, idrk how to request stuff its been a long time since i have !

but i was wondering if i could request an elle greenaway x reader where they supposedly ‘hate’ each other at work but theyre actually dating and they act like that to avoid suspicion and elle gets caught in a like shooter thing and then she gets back safely (based on that b99 episode w rosa)

or if thats too detailed idk,, just the last bit, ‘elle gets caught in a like shooter thing and then she gets back safely (based on that b99 episode w rosa’

idk if this makes sense i wqs daydreaming abt it in the car earlier and i am so sleep deprived rn idek if im making words right

so sorry for how long this is i love the elle fic u posted 07.10 !! im sleel now im fallimg aslepp

𓆰♡︎𓆪 What Goes On In The Dark. —

Elle Greenaway x Black Fem!Y/n

genre: angst/fluff.

warnings: hostage situation, mentions of violence, blood, and shot wounds. JJ is a profiler here. Liaison!Y/n, grief, mentions of suicide, gun violence, nothing too graphic.

synopsis: i’ll love you till the very end, amor.

a/n: i hope you enjoy my take on this request, lovely!

↳ 𓆰 Fatalitysficbakery navigation menu 𓆪

↳ 𓆰 Fatalitysficbakery criminal minds menu 𓆪.

↳ ❝Don’t let last words be ones to regret.❞⁣ -Unknown

⌫

Quantico, The Behavioral Analysis Unit was always my goal from the very start, I'd walked into the double doors of the place on my first day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, all the whilst every horror imaginable lay beneath.

There was a lot to dislike about the place, the bureaucracy the most damning flaw of all, It was a tangled mess that the agents had to deal with, to remember why you're there was to do your job well.

Elle Greenaway and I were alike in that way, we wanted to help the world be a safer place, I remember our first meeting, she'd welcomed me to hell. Her piercing brown eyes stared me down, scanning me as if she could see right through to my soul.

The blush that kissed my skin that day was embarrassing and exciting all at once. She'd find ways to talk to me, excuses to come to my office. The new liaison. I'd let the team know my doors were open at any point in time, and God did she ever abuse it. Suddenly pencils regularly disappeared from her desk. Could she use one of mine? Did I have a stapler? Hers was empty.

It was...flattering.

I couldn't lie, the agent had piqued my interest from the start. A smooth talker with a quick tongue. Clever. Amazing at her job. Just my type, you could consider me charmed from day one. She had me in the palm of her hand.

From there it was inevitable, I was hers.

Again, the ladder of the BAU was a tough one to work around, the night we finally hooked up, it was under the guise of me not having a ride home from work. My car was in the shop...The same one that was parked just in the garage parking lot, furthest space away from the other's eyes.

That night, staring into puddles of hazel brown, brunette locks tickling my skin; I knew I'd developed an addiction, and god was it a euphoric one.

↳

When we made it official, Elle gave me a locket, heart pendant with a picture of us in it. We'd agreed to keep it on the down low until we knew how to break it to Strauss and the rest.

That's when Operation: Become The Enemy started. Pretend to be absolutely revolted by one another at work, disappear into our own little world when alone.

It was a riot trying to pretend I hated the woman, hell, she drove me insane in all the best ways. She was my drug.

God, was she ever.

Being snapped back to reality tends to ruin all fantasies.

𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪

The BAU was my dream. My goal from the start. I wanted to be here, I wanted to be here.

My chest felt tight, my every limb aching the moment Hotch cleared it. Allowed her to go inside. Why did it have to her? Why did she have to be the hero?

It's our job, I know. I repeated that to myself so many fucking times whilst watching her put on that damned bulletproof vest which did nothing to silence my worries. — Every other part of her became fair game.

My chest hurt, my breathing sped up. Everything blurred. Before long I was being escorted to my seat by a worried JJ, I couldn't even tell her the reason I was so upset. I felt myself drowning, sorrow encapsulated my entire being, paralyzing me with a fear I'd never felt in forever.

The fear of loss. Grief.

I couldn't believe it, the world was taking from me what happiness I had gotten back, and to make it all worse...

She'd probably thought I hated her.

POP. POP. POP.

"Was that a gunshot?! We're going in. NOW"!

It was at that moment, my sorrow melded into anger and determination. Hotch and Rossi, I could see a moment of doubt on their faces, but there was none in mine. I nodded at them, jaw set.

I could see relief wash over Aaron, I could hear Jennifer exhale.

I got geared up, muttering a quiet.

"We're going to get Elle".

⌫

12 hours ago.

I could feel her icy glare on me, but I couldn't look her way. I wouldn't. I was too prideful. Too stubborn. Too...hurt.

It all seems so stupid now in hindsight but then, then it felt so serious. End of the world serious.

She was still worried of exposing our relationship and what that would mean, fearful. I could see it in her eyes that she didn't wanna risk the chance of losing what we had, but I was tired. Too tired to look at it from a different perspective, to be rational. I wanted the world to know.

It'd been an almost full year of Elle and Y/n. Didn't that mean something to her?

Now that I think about it; It probably meant everything to her, and that's where her hesitance stemmed from. Maybe if I hadn't been so boneheaded...

↳

Elle walked into your office that day, two cups of coffee in hand and a to-go bag under her chin. It was early before most of the team had even arrived. She wanted to get there before it was time for another award-winning performance of pretending to hate the woman she loved the most.

The smile that greeted you was one of pure happiness, and it had only been met with a grimace of discomfort, and a problem waiting to be made. I mean, how dare she? Bring you coffee and scones while you prepped to present another harrowing case to the team with Garcia? How absolutely dare she?

When she saw the grimace on your face after sitting the coffee and scones down, her smile faded almost immediately. Knowing instantly what this would be about, the same conversation had been going on for a week and a half now that your one-year anniversary was quickly approaching.

"It's a little early, no? You usually don't come in so soon".

That was a lie, you both knew it but Elle also knew that was only the gateway to your next question. She sits before you, pulling up a chair.

"Y/n, pleas—"

"I don't wanna do it anymore, Elle. Can't we tell Strauss and them? Our anniversary is two weeks away, we've been going behind their backs for too long...I want them to know".

Elle sighs, you'd asked this so many times and the answer stayed the same. Her lips part to speak but it's stuck in her throat, it's dying there and in her silence you find disappointments. Your mouth fixes into a slight scowl.

"Well"?

Elle finally speaks, "You know why we can’t".

Her answer again left you dissatisfied, but this time instead of fighting it, you allow words you regret to slip through the cloud of emotions you were feeling. Before you know it, it's too late to take them back, Elle's face had already fallen, and your ego was too big to take it all back.

"Fine. Well, maybe we shouldn't even be doing this. I'm tired of being just two coworkers hooking up".

The words hang in the air, toxic and venomous. The fumes left a nasty stench. Elle notices you pull your bottom lip between your teeth as you often do when uncomfortable or nervous. Yet you speak not a word.

She stands, clearing her throat.

"Just two coworkers hooking up? That's what you think of our relationship? Wow".

And that, that was all she said. There was so much and nothing left to say, neither of you quite processed what had happened before she left your office on that sullen note.

𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪

The case had gone from a simple familial kidnapping to not only the dad holding his daughter hostage but an entire library. My Elle had gone inside that place, her bravery had always inspired me, but today I couldn't help but have a strong disdain for it. The way she was immediately ready to go. It was her nature. It was MY nature. The entirety of the BAU would've done the same, and all I could think was why it had to be here.

When we got in, it was already too late. James had shot Elle in the thigh, and his daughter in the arm, before he'd turned the gun on himself.

I'd rushed to her side, the first one there whilst the rest tended to the others. She was already grey, lips pale and blue and eyes barely opened.

From that moment, leaving her side wasn't an option, the only time I did so was when she was rolled away for surgery. The hours spent with her gone was just me sobbing uncontrollably in Penelope's arms.

I was no longer able to pretend, and I was hoping, praying to whatever God I could that she'd make it out of that surgery alive to be mad at me about that.

I could hear her voice telling me to pull myself together, I was being too obvious. I could see her soft smile vividly in my mind winking at me right after that.

It was touch and go, touch and go.

Finally, the doctor came to talk to us.

𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪

I put the finishing touches on it, my heartbeat so loud I could hear it pumping. God, I was so nervous. I'd never done something like this before, I never thought I could be doing something like this before.

I'd rejected the idea of commitment, shunned it. The thought of long-term relationships terrified me. Maybe, maybe that was why it was so difficult to convince me.

I'd convinced myself it was because I wasn't ready for the big boy's club to have the spotlight on my relationship, it was bad enough their eyes were watching my every move at work, but my personal life?

And yeah, that was the reason for about 6 months, but I knew in my soul of souls that I wanted her. Solely her. I didn't care about bureaucracy that much, hell, I was the reason there were eyes on me after the shooting they'd watched me like a hawk.

But no, that wasn't the reason. It was my safety net. My excuse to mull over my own grievances with love and relationships. I could see the sadness wash over her face every time I'd say 'not now', and it broke me each time.

I just...wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I was worthy and deserving of love. That a relationship could be healthy/

I was constantly watching my back, waiting for it all to fall so I could prove myself right. When it didn't...When I almost lost her to my own foolishness, it was the biggest wake-up call of my life. — Waking up in that hospital bed, I remember it vividly. Looking to my right to see a sea of ginger curls strewn about my bed, her soft snores filled my ears. She sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair with her head lying on my bed, and it was clear she hadn't gotten any sleep in days.

Later, I was told I'd been in a coma for three weeks.

In those three weeks, she'd never left my side until she had to shower, eat, or change. Morgan told me he'd arrive only to see her doing work beside me and Hotch was more than gracious enough to allow her to be with me.

⌫

Her eyes opened, pained by the awful fluorescent lighting overhead, and as her eyes adjusted to the harsh lighting, she heard a familiar sound, those soft snores like music to her ears when she looked to her right and her suspicions were correct. You rest your head on your arms laid on the edge of her bed just next to her arm without the IV in it. You looked so peaceful, but she noticed how pale your usually cocoa skin looked.

She can't help but wonder how long you'd been there.

When she turns her head away from you, still scanning her surroundings, a soft British accent sounds out beside her rasp and sleep coating your vocals.

"Elle". You spoke so breathlessly as if you'd received the biggest surprise of your life. She took note of the way your eyes immediately welled up, apologies stumbling from your lips, "Baby, I'm so sorry I didn't mean—”

She'd shushed you, scooting over and patting a spot next to her. When you join her on the hospital bed that barely fits one let alone two, she kisses the top of your head, hand scratching and massaging through your soft ginger afro, she sighs and shakes her head, looking down at you.

"I know you didn't. Just sleep with me for right now, yeah"?

A tear slips from your eyes, you nuzzle gently into her side further, careful to not worsen any of her injuries.

"Yeah".

↳

I'd probably asked her to repeat what had almost happened to me a thousand times, something about hearing it was healing almost.

Though, she could make anything sound interesting with her voice like honeycomb. It was the one of the first things about her that’d caught my attention.

She knew how to make it real for me.

⌫

Elle lay in your arms, her head resting in your lap with your nails massaging her scalp. This wasn't the first time she'd asked you to retell the story, it was the fourth in a single week. You were happy to oblige, even if it hurt you to talk about seeing her almost die, You knew she needed this, and if it helped her in any way, you were glad to.

"The bullet hit a major artery. The doctor had come out to tell us of your death, I think my knees nearly buckled when I heard her starting to apologize".

She'd looked up at you, eyes and ears focusing solely on you like she hadn't heard the story a previous three times, she'd kissed the back of your hand gently when you had to stop for a moment to recollect yourself talking about how you'd thought you'd lost the love of your life.

Finally, you spoke again, eyes glossy.

"When she was about to call it, tell us her condolences, another of the surgical team ran out to tell her that there was a pulse, you could be saved. As soon as I heard the news, I did drop to my knees. I did. I thanked the stars that I'd get another chance to make it right, to tell you how much I loved you and regretted my words".

"You're doing so good, Beautiful", she'd whispered to you appreciatively, knowing how hard this was for you, It only made her love you that much more seeing the lengths you would go to to help her heal.

"It was touch and go for a few hours after that, you once again died on the table, three times. Finally, the doctor was about to give up until you got a steady pulse. They told us you fought like hell to get back to the team. But I couldn't help but think maybe..."

"It was. It was you, I don't remember much. I was talking to my father on the jet. Telling him all about the team, all about you. How I couldn't leave you just yet...Not on such a standstill".

Your breath caught in your throat at her words, you'd had your fair share of near-death experiences when working in SVU but you weren't sure you'd felt anything but coldness, a darkness. Elle had something to live for. She'd chosen to live for you.

"Y/n".

Your eyes shot to hers, she'd never really addressed you by your first name, only pet names she'd gifted you. So, when she'd said it, she'd gotten your full attention.

"Yea"?

"You were right...You were right, look, for a while" She sat up, moving to face you before continuing, "For a while it was about work, me wanting to continue lying. But, you were right. It wasn't just that".

Elle grabbed your hands in hers, her hazel eyes a vision of fall as she stared into yours, you knew the woman better than anyone, you could see this was hard for her; being vulnerable.

"I never thought of love as something that could be achieved in our field, not long term at least, and after about three failed relationships in, I stopped pursuing. I became terrified of commitment, and when you came along..."

"You got scared of the things you felt". You finished for her, sighing softly and pressing your forehead against hers, "Me too".

She nodded, "When I left your office thinking we were over, I realized my own cowardice. I knew I couldn't just lose you like that. I was gonna speak up and apologize. Talk it out. Anything. Until"

"Everything..." You whisper and cup her cheek in your hand, searching her eyes for that love, and when you see it. That same glint from first meeting, the side of your lips quirked up into a delicate smile, "I love you, Agent Greenaway".

"And I love you far more, Agent Y/ln".

𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪

I glance at the door anxiously, eyes shifting from that to the clock ticking slowly on the wall, and back. Putting this in the hands of someone other than my own was nerve-wracking, especially dealing with something this important.

Eventually, the door opens, and I'm almost allowed to breathe, but not yet. Not just yet. You're almost there Elle.

Entrusting this with Penelope Garcia of all people was the scariest part of all this, but she came through without spilling all, I admit. She smiles at me, giving a thumbs up. And I appreciate it, I do, but it's not any more comforting. Right now nothing could comfort me.

And then, I look to her.

(check image descs)

A vision of perfection stood before me, and as Garcia finally removed her blindfold, I could feel my face get hot, my heart pumping faster. She was stunning. We stare at each other in awe, I can feel my father whispering in my ear that I was making a good decision.

For so long I'd rejected the idea, and now it was something I was more sure of than anything else in my life.

"Come here, Mi Amor" I hear myself whisper, my voice caught in my throat as I prepared myself for the task ahead. She walks over to me with her hand still cupping her mouth in shock as she grasps what the box in my hand means.

When she's close enough, I get on one knee. The tears welling in my eyes a perfect match for the ones in her.

"You two argue like an old married couple". "They're still at it? Ugh, get a room".

(check image descs)

My voice shakes, I'd never proposed to anyone, let alone after only a year of dating.

"Y/n Y/ln, happy one-year anniversary. Where do I even start this? I know this is probably soon, but...If there's anything in this world I've ever been sure of, It'd be you. My hesitance with commitment almost lost me the most wonderful woman ever crafted. I'm tired of running. I'm tired of hiding...I want you. Forever. Will you do me the honor and marry m-"

Before I could get another word in, I felt her launch herself into my arms, her hold on me confirmed everything I already knew.

I couldn't let anyone else have her. She was too valuable to me. To this world.

"YES! Yes, I'd be so honoured to be your Mrs. Elle Greenaway"!

𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪𓆰♥︎𓆪𓆰♡︎𓆪

A/N: A bit of a trauma dump ahead, but I'm back after going through the death of my uncle only a week ago, having horrible PTSD and sickle cell kicking my ass. I hope this is to your liking, lovely! Sorry for the long wait ):

[my-traumacore-sideblog]

i was just scrolling thru tiktok and found this, it's genuinely so triggering to see how little the staff think about the patients and how casually they talk about forcing meds on the patients

it shows so clearly that they don't see the patients as people because if they did they wouldn't be posting this shit talking about it and bosting about forcing unwanted medication on human beings and the fact that in most of these places if you are a patient you are not allowed to have contact with the outside world ""for the sake of your dignity"" supposedly so when u r out then no1 has 2 know what kind of state u were in but then the staff members r allowed 2 post abt u having ur breakdowns is rly telling and they r rly telling on themselves here

it was never abt our dignity

it was abt making sure we couldn't beg friends or family members 2 get us out of there

i hate this so much

sorry if this is more raw than normal im typing while triggered since this is more healthy than hurting my body

please don't try to talk to me directly on this post, i just needed to get my raw feelings out and then after this im probably just gonna cry and have a snack or something

please don't report this post bc of me talking abt my experiences w my own emotions, like i said this is not a threat of self harm, i do this so i don't feel the urge 2 do smth more destructive, sort of like writing in a journal? but this is more acessible 4 me bc it's just a place 4 feelings like this and stuff that triggers me and i can hav ppl online validate my feelings that yeah this stuff isn't okay and it's okay 2 b upset abt it, this is me being responsible and preventing myself from harming myself, bc i hav this blog as a method of getting it all out u guys don't need 2 worry, thought i should clarify given some of the stuff i was talking abt earlier in the post abt having rly raw emotions rn

rn at least? i want this post 2 go fucking viral

i want ppl 2 c how fucked up this is

how medical workers don't c us as ppl

how they think nothing of forcing medicine and "treatments" on us that we don't want

how 2 them we r just an obstacle in their day

just 2 b clear nothing bad is going 2 happen 2 me if this doesn't go viral, like i said, this is just me getting all my feelings out and dumping them onto virtual paper so i don't have them rattling around in my head anymore

whatever happens 2 this post, im just gonna finish this post, hav a good cry or a sad nap and a snack and then a talk with a loved one and im going to then continue my day as normal

this post going viral or not viral would have zero impact on my day, i just right now am having this desperate feeling of wanting to shove this in everyone's face and go "see!? this is how they see us! this isn't okay! can someone do something!? can someone out there force these people to acknowledge the ableism in the medical professionals!? the medical professionals i am sometimes forced to trust with my health as a disabled person! and yet they feel nothing but vile disgust towards me!"

idk, i just feel like this tiktok is a rly good example of the kind of medical ableism and medical abuse me and others like me have been yelling about for ages

okay better now after getting that out, thought i should tell u guys so u don't worry abt me, seen ppl being weird abt ppl emotional posting and now it's made me worried i hav 2 b super careful if u couldn't tell so yeah, better now tho

update: found out how 2 report content so i did that 4 the tiktok, u go 2 the share button and then there's a lil grey looking button w a flag on it 4 any of the rest of u who c this and think it should b reported/taken down

[teruki-inoue21]

What S2E12 might mean for the “future” of Link Click

It’s been a long 10 weeks, and we’ve been thru 11episodes. Now that we’ve been blessed (or rather cursed?) with the PV of the last episode of Link Click II, I want to clarify a few things regarding what could happen later on in the plot, like in Link Click III or whatnot. So, let’s go!

• Qiao Ling’s (MORE improved) role

=>So, abt our ladyboss, Qiao Ling. In the first season, she didn’t have much of a role. The only notable thing I remember her doing is introducing new ppl to the series. Like, Xu Shanshan, Master Si Wen, etc etc. But this time in season 2, she has a bigger and more important role. She’s fighting side-by-side with CXS, helping in the investigations, being a great elder sister for Xixi, AND formulating plans too. However, the PV for the last episode gave us an even bigger reveal as to what will or might happen to her going on with Link Click III.

Now that Xixi is dead (f**k Qian Jin), it seems that she has transferred her powers to Qiao Ling. Welp, people with these powers have always been the prime focus of the show, and now that Qiao Ling ALSO seems to have powers, there’s no doubt that her importance in the story will be much more from now on. I personally believe that in the event CXS actually ends up dying, she’ll be a key role to get LG to try again to save him. More on that later.

• Qian Jin

=> What can I even say about this guy? I’ve hardly seen anyone so loathe worthy and despicable in anime history. But I’m not here to hate on this guy RN. What I’m here to talk about is his connection to the main characters, some hidden characters, and his motives.

Now, Episode 11 has clearly shown us his motive. He wants to use CXS to go to the past and stop his wife from her supposed betrayal. (I swear, dude’s just TOO hung up on his wife who he murdered HIMSELF!) . But what’s odd is that his motive is just too personal. What I mean by that is that, when the poster for Qian Jin dropped, his shadow was the supposedly infamous Hat Guy aka Liu Xiao. This tidbit made all of us think that he HAD to working with/for Liu Xiao, and thus, his motives shouldn’t be personal. But here we are, with his motive having NO connection to Hattie. So why was his poster designed like this anyway? Maybe Hattie was the guy who told him about CXS? But even so, that makes Hattie’s role too meh for the plot..

• Liu Xiao aka the Hat Guy (and more new characters?)

=> Even though it’s been 11 out of 12 episodes, we still know almost nothing about Liu Xiao except for the fact that he’s abroad. But despite being so ambiguous, all of us know the amount of significance this guy has over the events of Link Click. Or do we?

Let’s talk about that.

Ever since the very first episode of Link Click, we know that the client who gave our main trio the Emma job wasn’t Emma herself, but rather someone anonymous. Thanks to @mimicha-arts ‘s post, we know that someone was keeping tabs on CXS, LG, and QL. Now, let’s say that it was Hattie. That would make a lot of sense, since he seems to be some kind of overseer of the events unfolding or some grandmaster himself (I’m saying that due to the fact that he’s being likened to be similar to Lu Guang).

But even if that’s the case, what could be his motive? Well, even I know shit about that. However, as I said in an earlier post, I believe that the big bad of the series isn’t Qian Jin, but Liu Xiao; and that he would have a showdown against Lu Guang. Maybe Liu Xiao was shown as the shadow to Qian Jin to show us how evil he could be? Cuz think of it like this: shadows are dark, right? So, if Qian Jin’s evil, doesn’t it make PERFECT sense if his shadow, LIU FRIKING XIAO, is MORE twisted and/or evil? Yeah…

So, we’re wrapped up with Hattie now. BUT, what if I told u there were MORE characters to be introduced?

Take a look..

Now, there’s someone on the roof of that one building. I may be wrong in thinking that it’s a new character and could simply be Chen Bin, but part of me still wants to believe that it’s a new guy, probably with special powers too, (as for whether they’d be an ally or enemy, I’ll leave that part to you guys).

• The Contents of Liu Min’s phone

=> This topic has been a major question since the first episode of Link Click II, and hasn’t been answered still. Liu Min’s phone. What’s even in there that Qian Jin had to literally kill his own mentee to get that thing? What’s so important in that phone that even this far in ep11, it’s a major item for the villains? Is it related to Liu Xiao? Quede Games? Does LTch need it to go back in time?

As for the answers, all I can do is speculate. I think that, as Liu Xiao IS Liu Min’s brother, there has to be some info on him there. Then again, it might also be related to Emma and Quede? But whatever it is, it’s a very important material. If not explored in II, I believe it will be important for III.

• Lu Guang and alternate timelines

=> And now, to the infamous “Lu Guang is a time traveler” theory. Well, we all have the general go-thru for This theory. In a given timeline, CXS dies, and to save him, LG keeps jumping thru time over and over again …

I believe I’ve already talked about how the alternate timelines theory is important for the plot of Link Click III. Here’s the post

• The meaning of “Can’t Live Without A Good Brother”?

=> Episode 12’s title says the most ominous yet very emotional line: “Can’t Live Without A Good Brother.” Such a thought-provoking title, don’t y’all think?

Funnily (or ironically, I don’t even know at this point) enough, this sentence can be thought of by two perspectives. Y’all guessed it - Qiao Ling AND Tianxi’s. So let’s go over those and deduce whatever plot points we can find for Link Click III.

Li Tianxi’s POV: So, the photo that started it all, for our pink-haired twins features a line written in crayon by Xixi, which says, “I can’t live without my good brother.” Odd, no? How she calls her brother good despite knowing that he’s actively involved in killing a multitude of people? Well, this is Link Click we’re talking about; and this, there’s always a reason for everything. Let’s say that Tianchen really IS a good person, or at least he wants to be (from Xixi’s perspective ofc). Why wouldn’t he be? He cares about Xixi a lot, prioritizes her safety first, even his deal with Qian Jin exists so that he can ensure safety for his sister. He even said in episode 11 that doing all this killing business for Qian Jin was truly hell for him and he wanted to escape. Hmm.. know what this sounds like to me? A pinch of sister complex! Yup! Tianchen is a really good brother. And all he’s done and has Been doing is so that he can have a better life with his sister. The fact that Xixi wrote “I Can’t live Without My Good Brother” means that she doesn’t want to lose her brother to the forces of evil that include Qian Jin… and maybe, that one childhood friend of Tianchen’s? (Of course I’m talking about Liu Xiao, and there u go, I mapped out the possible Link Click III content from here and how , even tho dead, Xixi will be crucial to the plot of what I predict will be Lu Guang V Liu Xiao). In that case, we can conclude by saying that Li Tianchen actually is a quite tragic character (more on that on a separate post).

Qiao Ling’s POV: Now, I’m most excited to talk about her POV, since I believe her insight on “Can’t Live Without A Good Brother” stems from CXS’s death in S2 (which I think is guaranteed to happen). Over the course of these two seasons, we’ve seen and have come to love the dynamic between Qiao Ling & Cheng Xiaoshi. S2E8 even shows how much QL cares about CXS, as she always looks out for him not just as a friend, but as a sister as well. So, let’s all assume that CXS and LG lose the fight against Qian Jin, and at the end, CXS dies. Remember what I said about Qiao Ling inheriting Xixi’s power and how that can help play a role in Lu Guang’s attempt to change/reverse CXS’s death? Well, here we are. Given that CXS dies, we can all imagine how distraught QL and LG will be. It is then QL decides to use Xixi’s power to transfer CXS’s power to Lu Guang (that’s the most reasonable thing to do, as Lu Guang knows better about diving in the past than Qiao Ling), but in a worse case scenario, she uses it herself? Whichever the case, I believe this is the way the staff will answer how Lu Guang has been time traveling despite not having the power to do so, and also kick start the events of Link Click III.

The Overseas Trip

=> Another thing that has technically been confirmed by the director, Li Haoling himself? All of us know that the director has said that the overseas trip that CXS and LG went on during their university days will definitely come into play later on. So far, whatever hint of that we have is the ED, THE TIDES, where the duo go on and investigate (?) a house that looks identical to the house of the main character of the 2002 movie, The Time Machine; and a rough animation draft of CXS and LG in holiday clothing riding a car. I say that, the overseas trip is not just limited to the ED. Sure, the ED is definitely showing us something related to that, but considering that trip is how both CXS and LG (or just CXS since according to the alternate timelines theory, LG should already have his power) unlock their powers, it DEFINITELY will come into play in Link Click III.

• Emma?

=> Very few characters in anime (or should I say donghua) always haunt the narrative of the story even after they’re dead. Such is really the case with Emma. Even though we see her die (yet again) in S1E11, she still appears on the S2 OP, VORTEX. BUT, she is literally NOWHERE in the main events of S2. Well, it would definitely make more sense to include characters who have more roles in S2 in the OP (Like Milady Wang Juan, Capt. Xiao Li, prolly also Xiao Ma?) rather than a character who seemingly has no role in the season, right? That is PRECISELY why the fact that Xiao Li doesn’t appear in the OP despite being so important but EMMA does, alludes to the fact that we’re not done with her arc yet. This means that, yep, Liu Xiao is linked here…

CONCLUSION:

Welp, there ain’t not conclusion, not yet. Not until there’s a confirmation AND a trailer for S3 and we get to see Liu Xiao face reveal.

Til then, I’ma go feral sitting on my toilet seat and thinking about S3….

[aeide-thea]

[consent in fiction, content warnings]

i started to make a post abt this earlier and then scrapped it, but like, long and boring details aside, i guess really what i'm still thinking about is the way in which content warnings are, probably inevitably, sometimes so insufficient as to be actively worse than nothing—

like, okay, the specific thing i encountered this morning was a fuck-or-die sex pollen fic tagged as 'no archive warnings apply,' which is obviously, uh, debatable, given that the trope is kind of inherently dub-con at best, but the author had tagged for 'sex pollen' and 'fuck or die,' so i guess those individual tags do give readers a sufficient-if-not-generous heads-up that, like, here be dragons or whatever… but then i actually read the fic in question, bc while i feel neutral abt the trope i've often liked this author's work in the past, and like, the actual consent issue that fucked me up a little was that the sex pollen wasn't just an organic phenomenon or lab accident or whatever, as often, but rather deliberately inflicted on the leads, and not by yr run-of-the-mill Evil Experimenters/Torturers/what-have-you, but rather by… the narrator's ex's sisters, as payback for… his ex's having broken up with him???

which, fine, whatever, people sometimes do fucked up shit and you can certainly include that in a story; but the love interest's reaction to discovering this is just to be 'amused,' while the narrator is like, i'm just relieved my ex is still willing to talk to me! which again, fine, whatever, people do shrug off serious violations of their autonomy out of a desire to maintain social bonds, that also isn't unrealistic or unreasonable to portray in a fic; but that entire aspect of the situation got literally less than 2% of the fic's whole word count devoted to it, i guess because we're in Romance Land where the only thing allowed to have actual emotional weight is intra-relationship developments, and anything outside that context is just meaningless scaffolding, even if in real life it would be a pretty fucking big deal, and probably pretty traumatizing, to find out your ex's family had literally poisoned you???

anyway, sorry, i guess i couldn't restrain myself from going into excruciating detail after all, but tl;dr it's just like. it frankly made me feel much weirder to encounter that plot point in a context where other, more familiar dubcon tropes had been warned for, because it made me feel much more uncertain that the author actually recognized it was an issue! i'd have preferred it if they'd just slapped an 'author chose not to use archive warnings' on the whole thing!

[cw for discussion of a fictional depiction of deliberately painful sex]

reminds me of a fic that fucked me up much more a while back, where a character had consented to sex and consented, too, to poorly-defined punishment, but the form the punishment ended up taking was deliberately-careless penetration that caused the character pain on purpose, and neither the character nor i were braced for that, and while i guess you maybe couldn't say it needed a noncon label, because technically both sex and punishment had been agreed to, it definitely was like. while you-the-author may technically have your bases covered here in a legalistic way, this was definitely a pretty deliberate bait-and-switch that was triggering both for the character it happened to and for me! and like. was it effective as a reading experience? honestly, yeah! i got an emotional journey out of it that really mirrored the character's—method reading, if you will. but do i still resent that author for it, literal years later? also yeah.

anyway i guess basically the thing is like. i'd much rather know i'm venturing into unknown territory and be on my metaphorical toes, than have situations like the above where like, everything is supposedly safely tagged, but the author's standards for that aren't the same as yours, and then something slides between the cracks to sting you?? like, i'm (hopefully obviously) not opposed to content warnings, and do typically provide them on this blog, but there's an extent to which it's like. a guardrail that gets dislodged when you put any actual weight on it is more dangerous, actually, than a wholly unfenced drop…

[bunnywand]

omfg no way.. so we got a letter thru the door earlier, supposedly from someone who lives a couple of streets away, inviting us to join a neighbour community app thing?? and we were like oh that’s nice, a neighbour cares enough abt like, making a lil community that they’ve sent us a letter abt it ^_^

so my parents downloaded the app and signed up for it, and it’s mostly a load of shite, seems the only guy posting on there was some bloke called darren endlessly advertising his plumbing business??

but as i was setting it up for them, in amongst all the “verify your email address,” “upload a profile picture,” “upload your contacts” etc, one of the settings was for “allow (app) to send letters on your behalf” so.. unless you opted out of it, once the app’s got ur name and address, it uses that info to advertise and send letters to other ppl to try and recruit them too?? which seems.. p sinister to me.. 🙁

[dearweirdme]

https://www.tumblr.com/dearweirdme/720630203272052736/do-you-think-those-paps-videos-and-photos-were

i’m in two minds abt it because a) no one saw tae OR jn land b) it was released for free way after and c) their faces would be unidentifiable if not for the specific accessories. the pap initially gave a diff time for when he filmed it which is why there’s a part of me that thinks this wasn’t filmed then but earlier, which would also explain the winter clothes. either way there’s enough gaps to question it but not enough clarity to deny smth is going on which is exactly what the companies were going for

Hi anon!

I do think Tae was in Paris that week. He had a dinner with Celine which I think was in Paris and we also saw him arrive at Nice airport later on (if I remember correctly). I don’t much remember about Jennie, but she was supposedly in Paris too since a teacher (?) of hers posted about it. Doesn’t mean the footage is actually from then, because I do also think it’s possible the footage is from winter.

It’s such unclear footage and the whole story around it is vague as well. But yeah, the most important part to me is that it’s supposed to be them.

[arpov-blog-blog]

...."No one was more suspicious of the widely showcased newest ABC-Washington Post poll then ABC anchor George Stephanopoulos who questioned its accuracy live on air on its Sunday May 7 release. Stephanopoulos was suspicious given the inconsistencies in the survey which both purported to overwhelmingly condemn Trump’s likely illegal conduct supposedly showing Trump leading Biden in a prospective 2024 presidential election matchup.

Stephanopoulos was right to be suspicious of ABC’s co-sponsored survey as this poll was apparently designed for media drama but not an accurate public opinion metric. For just this reason, Robert Kaiser, the longtime managing editor of The Washington Post, this poll’s other co-sponsor told us he refused to showcase such polls in an earlier era calling it “manufactured news.

Of course, political professional point out, polls done this far out have little value, and much can and will change in eighteen months by November 2024. In fact, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama are just three recent presidents who rebounded from comparable sagging public polls to ultimately win 18 months later. We acknowledge the polling around 40 percent favorability is nothing for the Biden Administration to gloat over, however, according to the Gallup Poll, it is consistent with almost all the seven prior presidents at this time except for President H.W. Bush following the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait and President George W. Bush following the 9/11 attack on the U.S. In fact, George H.W. Bush enjoyed a 73% favorability in September 1990 but then went on to lose his reelection to Bill Clinton.

In fact, there are piles of contrasting polls. There are some polls where Trump beats Biden – such as the right-leaning Rasmussen polls and Stagwell’s Harris Poll. Trump has consistently dominated across both polls dating back years. But most major opinion polls, on average, Biden leads Trump by 2 percent, including recent polls done by Yahoo News, The Wall Street Journal, Quinnipiac University, and Morning Consult among many others. Even Rupert Murdoch’s right-leaning New York Post grudgingly concedes that “Biden beats Trump big” across early polling.

Despite the borrowed ABC/Washington Post branding, the consultant who conducted this research makes for a case study in shoddy methodological practices.

First, the ABC-WaPo sample size of 1,006 adults surveyed is jarringly small, compared to the sample sizes of peers such as 6,000 at Morning Consult. Even other Trump-favoring polls such as the Harris Poll had a sample nearly twice as large, with 1,850 respondents, increasing accuracy and reliability. The Edelman Trust Barometer samples up to 35,000 respondents.

Even other pollsters have attacked the methods of this Abt Associates poll for ABC/Washington Post pointing out that it strangely included all adults in its sample of 1,006, rather than just registered voters, and that breaking out registered voters brings the sample down to an even smaller 900. Furthermore, analysis of subgroups like young people, independents, Hispanics and Black Americans are so tiny they are not valid. Pollster Cornel Belcher commented “The poll really is trash, and I don’t say that lightly because I’ve had respect for their polling in the past.”

Second, an amazing 25% of respondents in the flawed ABC-WaPo poll were reached by landline in lieu of cell phones. It has already been empirically shown, repeatedly, that landline respondents tend to skew Republican dramatically. Indeed, it is hard to find any other poll with such a high proportion of landline responses.

This was akin to the infamous old Roper Poll error which proudly but wrongly predicted for the Chicago Tribune Dewey beating Truman the worst call in political history. Amazingly, the defensive chairman of the Roper Poll still did not concede defeat claiming ““Clearly they were wrong in determining the election. I think the 1948 polls were more accurate than the 1948 election.” Surely a man ahead of his times – even if wrong!

By contrast, only 13% of the Quinnipiac Poll responses were landline, while cutting-edge firms such as Stagwell and Morning Consult have transitioned to online public opinion polling in lieu of phone calls. The WaPo-ABC poll also disclosed that of the “752 interviews completed via cell phone, 583 interviews were with adults in cellphone-only households.” Thus the 169 “cell” interviews also favors landline respondents which were especially inclined to pick up the phone on a cold call. Unlike with online polls there was no adjustment for phone call respondents’ propensity to respond."

[googledocsdyke]

thinking incredibly earnestly about like why i unironically love bite me (a google slides social media au) as much as i do and why it’s so fucking funny and i think a huge part of it is that it lays bare the process of total decontextualisation that generally is at work within the self-contained world of like, fic in general. like, in many ways most fic is the same fic. i think we can generally agree on this. obviously there are like fics that transform the way you view the source text, or fics that generate their own world and fandom (down to agincourt), or fics with profound complex thematic engagement (so says the sword) or fics that have their own specific cult status (my immortal, twist and shout). but like the reason the fic ecosystem chugs along, the reason bajillions of fics are posted to ao3 every day, is because of the kind of fic that is so clearly based off other fic, maybe just shifted 2 degrees to the left.

like fanfiction IS by and large a repetitive medium that is often primarily interested in working off and re-articulating very widely accepted tropes. think of all the largely identical 15x20 fix-it codas you may have read. or this harry potter au i wrote when i was fourteen years old that could not have ANYTHING less to do with the actual characters dean, cas, or charlie as written in-show, or even like, anything to do with hogwarts as a setting. there was NO reason it needed to be a harry potter au. why the hell were the x-men there? there was no characterisation. the presence of potions homework, and gryffindor dean, and “charlie ships it,” were all just empty signifiers towards a narrative that i knew better from reading other fics than from watching the show itself. actually, i think at this point i hadn’t even watched any charlie episodes, but you wouldn’t be able to tell! because i lifted my concept of charlie wholesale from other fics that asserted that this was her “characterisation” and her place in the story. like it Was a 1600-word exercise in copy-paste, which is what large amounts of fanfiction are and historically have been. and is so fundamental to why we keep coming back to them

and i’m not saying this as like. a normative or “judgmental” statement in any way! i think there’s no point in insisting that all fic be like. deeply grounded in discrete characterisation or a sincere engagement with the complex themes of the original text, or whatever. firstly because a) most people writing fic ARE young teens/young adults who do so as a kind of participatory gesture, a low-effort way to signal their earnest investment in a particular ship or imagined narrative, and b) decontextualisation is like… at the beating heart of what fanfiction is. like most fanfiction is not “literary” (in huge skeptical quotes bc of how contested that very term even is) but it also feels like it’s a mistake to… ask it to be? i’m thinking along the lines of this post, where gothhabiba asks that we “articulate an actual theory of how and why fanfiction is created, its relationship to other kinds of media and writing, and what it does for the people who write and read it,” rather than “arguing about whether or not it’s ‘good’” . because that is truly a moot point!

i think as most of us return for the renaissance, some 6-7 years older, we’re now at the point where we’re able to engage (more) critically with the substantive text of the show, the actual themes it engages and (mis)handles, the cultural context in which it was produced, the texts it builds off of, intentionally or unintentionally, and the critical frameworks we can apply to it. and all of that is like overall a very good and interesting thing!! but it’s also so interesting when paired alongside the decontextualising impulse that drives a LOT of fandom engagement

ANYWAYS. all this to say that like 95% percent of the joy of bite me is how unapologetically ooc it is. like this is the continuous thing i’ve been talking about other people with. you could copy-paste any characters from any broadly popular media into this situation and the characterisation/speech would be no more or less jarring; it would still make the same amount of “sense” from an in-universe perspective. nothing about this au is really about dean and cas so much as it’s about decontextualised figures LABELLED dean and cas (and again, this is not some literary condemnation or smth, the majority of fic does this in some way! i’m just using bite me as an example). we are told to believe that sam winchester, a grown white man & published author, says “yall wildin” unprompted and that kaia nieves tweets things like “oomf famoose” and it’s fucking hilarious. it’s so good. because intentionally or not, it DOES reveal how much of fic, as a genre, is utterly separated from the characters they propose to be telling a story about.

i said earlier today that bite me is a social media au written in a riverdalian fashion, and i don’t just mean that in a general “it’s bad but good but outrageous” way, but more specifically that both bite me and riverdale decide on something objectively absurd and instead of shying away from it or trying to cover up the writer’s lack of knowledge, it faces it head on. like we ARE told unapologetically and continuously that actors live in their trailers when they’re filming a movie, that a hashtag trending for one day is enough to get a magazine writer that hasn’t been accused of sexual misconduct fired, that dean and cas are starring in a gay romantic comedy called fucking trainspotting. and the writer doesn’t/won’t/shouldn’t apologise for a word of that. in the same way that riverdale will look you dead in the eye and say “archie is going to war and world war ii-era combat aesthetics never ended even though it’s 2020” or “jughead got into the iowa writer’s workshop despite never having been an undergrad” and like what are you supposed to do? make fun of it?? the text doesn’t CARE if you make fun of it! it’s light years ahead of you! it’s so totally unconcerned with this “realism” you’re supposedly chasing that the joke doubles back on you.

so like tldr: bite me is emblematic of the decontextualising urge at the heart of your average fanfiction, lays bare its own ridiculousness, and raises genuinely fascinating questions abt what fanfiction as a text is meant to be or do. also kaia and claire fall in love on stan twt. UNPARALLELED media experience

[twopoppies]

Hi! I sent u an ask yesterday and saw you said some asks might be deleted so I thought I’d try again, rlly sorry to bother you abt this, but I saw a post yesterday with screenshots of Harry and Louis supposedly cuddled up together while watching Macklemore perform same love at (I think) the 2014 AMAs and I was just wondering if you knew anything about that/if it was true or if it had been debunked? Thanks, sorry again to bother you, and I hope you have a great day :)

Hi sweetheart. I actually answered that earlier, but basically the consensus was that the photo that was circulated was from an angle that made it look like Harry was pressed up against Louis, but there were shots taken from other angles that showed he was just standing next to him. Hope that helps.

[clickbaitcas]

I feel like the cast itself is protective of Misha but even they have so much power especially when Jared seems okay with not helping or ye help but joy help them.

I mean it’s kinda like how Jensen (and Misha but as sad as it is he probably wasn’t asked about anything) could really do nothing to help with the final.

As much as I love supernatural I’m really happy it’s ended. For the characters that won’t have to go through any more terrible stuff and the cast that deserves so much better.

But yeah I think the cast has a soft spot for Misha but they can’t really speak up in public and they couldn’t do much on set. (Another reason why I’m convinced that most of the writers if not all didn’t try to get the ending we wanted and instead stayed silent even if they didn’t agree)

I definitely think the cast (possibly with the exclusion of j*red but idk) loves Misha or at the very least respects him. I mean okay regarding j*red and Misha idk I think Misha was friends with him bc he had to be but you can't take that much shit from someone and Not still actively wanna be friends yknow? I doubt j*red has respect for Misha and his acting ability bc I think he's probably jealous oh either the jenmish relationship or just bc everyone knows Mish is a better actor. This is spec tho and biased bc I don't like j*red so don't listen to that.

I DO however think that showrunners (s*nger, gamble, and to a lesser extent dabb) either didn't like Misha, didn't like his interference with the show (ruining the "brothers" focus), or just.... didn't like Cas as a character. I mean I think s*nger definitely didn't like Cas interfering with the brothers storyline because to him it's a show abt Sam and Dean, not about Cas. He also was the one who joked about Misha being expendable soooo I don't think he particularly likes Misha. Gamble.... Idk enough about her except that she was the one who tried to write Cas off in s7. Dabb is supposedly a Cas girl but idk he's made comments about Misha too (I don't remember if this was him or s*nger but I think he was the one who said Mish was disposable). And like those were "jokes" but (like greer keeps saying) all jokes have a grain of truth about them.

I also think buckleming don't like Cas as a character. They're terrible tho so their opinions don't matter but leming and s*nger were on the Stacey Abrams zoom in the same box which idk if they're married or something but they probably have the same bronly perspective. I know Bobo was on our side and tried to get the ending we wanted. He wouldn't have written 15x18 like that if he didn't. I'm not convinced about dabb tho. There are breadcrumbs that suggest each side. I'm talking about those 3 bc they wrote the last 3 eps lol. There were other dabb episodes earlier in the season that should have suggested the ending we deserved but then he wrote that and I don't know what I think yet. I'm not gonna praise him but I'm not gonna dunk on him either. I will praise Bobo tho I love that man.

I know for a fact that the majority of the cast adores Misha. I mean, cockles. Misha and osric had a whole thing going for a bit. There's just so much positive interaction between Misha and the cast (j*red excluded). I don't have many examples other than cockles tho and this one really cute pic I saw earlier today of Misha resting his head on Jim beaver's shoulder (sadly I didn't save it but if I see it again I'll post it it's really cute). But I just get the feelings the cast or most of them at least adore Misha. Ruthie definitely loves him (see her Instagram and just she looks at him with such respect I love them). And like I said I'm conflicted abt my feelings on j*red and Misha's "friendship" but.... Ugh idk you don't try and mess someone up that much while you're working bc you respect them. Jensen did say they prank Mish the most bc they love him the best but... It got the the point where j*red wasn't even allowed on set unless he was in the scene!! So do with that what you will.

And I agree with you that they probably were seeing these things happening to Misha and were powerless to stop it. I mean there's a theory (I think it's a theory) that mark s saw what they were doing to Mish and didn't wanna take on a bigger part in the show for fear of that happening to him! (I think that was puck who said it but sjdks correct me if I'm wrong I have a goldfish memory). The only time I've ever heard of cast interfering with Misha being treated like shit was when jensen had to basically go on strike if they didn't let Misha go home and get better when he was literally running a fever. Also yea they definitely can't speak up about how Misha was treated at cons or anything bc they'd either get fired or sued or something bc it's a corporate network and yea legality things. I think to some degree they want to, which is how we get these breadcrumbs told in a joking/fond tone but like actually insinuating at bigger hijinks bts.

Lastly, I agree. I'm sad to see it go, but I do think the decision to end was a good one. It's just.... The way it ended that's so frustrating because our characters deserved so much better!! I have a lot to say on this that goes deeper into it, but for now I will just leave it at. 15 years is an incredible accomplishment. I truly believe they wouldn't have gotten that far if it weren't for Misha. And I hate the ending. I think it was a terrible disservice to characters who deserved peace. Dean and cas deserved to retire together and Dean deserved to work as a mechanic or fire fighter or whatever that job application was for. Sam and Eileen deserved to be Bobby and say they're retired but when someone needs help they go and help and they're always there if someone needs information on a specific monster. Charlie and Stevie deserved to be together. Jody, Donna and the girls deserved to be happy. Jack should have stayed with sam and Eileen in the bunker. They just deserved to finally be able to rest and do what they loved!!! The finale is so fucking stupid and terrible. That's why I'm still holding out for the jackles chaos machine 6 episode miniseries to go into production and completely ignore the last episode.

[autisticstarseed]

👐 Hand washing guide when you have sensory issues 👐

tbh. we shouldve been talking abt this a long time ago for many disabled ppls sake but ive put this post off for like a million years out of pure solidified fear of ableist harassment/kneejerk ignorance and also generalized cringe idiots but now that we got so much covid-19 fear and autistic ppl actually tend to have weaker immune systems than most people lets jump the shark;;;

i have autism and i physically struggle with washing my hands as often as i want to, having wet hands, drying them, the temperature difference, bad soap smells/textures, etc. are all genuinely painful. the good news is that ive dealt with water aversion shit since birth (its a common sensory issue), so ive had time to figure out alternatives and coping skills that still help reduce risk of disease and spreading it in ways that i can personally manage. (ie. not lazy or selfish or gross. genuinely putting more effort into this every day task than most other people would even think about. just disability lads) so heres the guide i have to offer if you’re in a similar boat, with some keypoints about hand hygiene and tips addressing the most common sensory struggles ive noticed with it;;;

1. hand sanitizer

i love hand sanitizer, i can get it in almost any scent i want and it dries down very very fast. the problem is; hand washing and hand sanitizer do different things. it only kills certain types of germs. which is all fine and dandy, but because of this, using only hand sanitizer wont actually keep you from catching or spreading many illnesses. so what its good for is times you cant wash your hands (out in public, sensory overload, no spoons, etc), thats fine, but it should not replace all hand washing if at all possible. it is supposedly effective to covid-19, but so little is currently known that it should not be considered your go to for this, and the only unanimous statement straight from the CDC is that hand washing works best at preventing its spread.

temperature - if you have trouble with it being too cold, conveniently keeping it in your pocket or closely against your body in some way warms it up and makes it much more comfortable. 

scent - they come in almost any scent you can imagine, but if you have trouble with strong scents, there are ‘scentless hand sanitizers’. they usually have a faint chemical smell, so if there are any testers available, you should check to make sure it can work for you before you buy it.

texture - if gel doesnt cut it, they also make foamy hand sanitizers and liquid sprays, but theyre harder to find and might be a little more pricey.

and remember; always buy hand sanitizer that says it contains AT LEAST 60% alcohol, the higher alcohol content the better, but try to keep track of how high it is and how much you apply it so you dont dry your skin out. and right now price gouging is pretty bad, so dont be surprised if you cant find any for a while, and dont buy any small bottle that costs over a couple dollars, its a rip off.

2. hand washing 

so what does hand washing do thats better than sanitizer??? soap and water lift up the dirt and oils that are carrying the germs and actually wash them off, and not only that, it also gets rid of all the things sanitizer cant, such as dust/dirt, spores, chemicals, and the previously mentioned viruses that are harder to kill. ik to an outside perspective it might not seem that hard, but obviously when you have autism and these tasks are split down into bigger ordeals and sensory nightmares, it can feel impossible. 

soap - there are so many different kinds of soap! scentless soaps exist, and they very rarely have any lingering chemical smell! theres also soap for sensitive skin, and baby soap also works well for that issue. bar soaps can come in all different shapes and sizes, with many different ingredients and additives to choose from (independent soap makers are an amazing source for customized soap btw), and liquid soaps can be pure gel, frothy, mousse-y or even have tiny exfoliating or moisturizing beads in them if thats a sensory experience you enjoy. this is my number one rec for people struggling with hand washing bc of sensory issues;;; mix up the soap. finding one that gives you an okay or even a GOOD sensory experience can completely turn around an otherwise meltdown inducing task

temperature - this is the one thats always been hardest for me. cold water straight up hurts me, and our plumbing is Terrible, so the trick i have for slow pipes is to run the hot water on high as Soon as i get into the bathroom. leave it going and by the time you’re done there should be at least lukewarm water. if this still takes too long for you, try out the various sinks in your house, usually one is able to get hot water faster than the rest (for me its the kitchen sink) and that can become a designated station for you if need be.

texture - some ppl just hate water. if thats the case, it rly doesnt change much abt the process if you use less water, ie work the soap into a lather, and then only use as much as you need to rinse it off. you dont have to keep your hands under the whole time, the soap clings to the dirt, the water takes it off all together, as long as you scrub well and rinse till you see no suds, you’re good 

If it really comes down to it, a washcloth with water+soap, a disinfecting wipe, or even literally just a rinse with plain ol water is better than nothing, but the stream of water and act of rubbing the soap in is the most effective combo against disease. soap/disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizers are your second best option. if theres a time in your life where an issue is so disabling for you that you truly cant keep any of this up, rly the most important thing is to limit your direct physical contact with your face and commonly used objects as MUCH as possible until you can figure smth out. (you kno those old ladies that grab a wipe and open the doorknob with it between their hand and the knob? become that old lady) and if push comes to shove, if a safe and accepting therapy setting is something accessible to you, hygiene struggles are actually something many mental health professionals understand Very well and can help you cope with personally and directly, without shame.

3. hand drying

this is also. my personal hell. and what most people say is the hardest part of the sensory experience. but ya cant just walk around with wet hands right

towels - the obvious choice for most, but to me they actually dont dry enough. i always end up damp and with lint stuck to me. this kills the man. but hand towels do have some variety to them, you can find em with really long fibers or really short/flat, really fuzzy or really stiff, etc. sounds silly but its smth a lot of ppl dont think about that can change a lot. you can also try super absorbent towels (yes like a shamwow), and again baby bath towels are also an option if you want something gentle.

paper towels - yeah a little more wasteful and expensive, but imo much more absorbent. theyre also pretty thin so you can get between your fingers (MY BANE), and under your nails if you use a corner. 10/10

blow drying - ik this is the kind of shit you only see in like movie theaters and malls and they are definitely LOUD AS SHIT, but if you happen to have the money, and struggle more with Textures than Noise, ie a stream of warm air seems worth the sound, you Can actually find a small basic one of these items for your own home. 

4. public restrooms

everybody hates em!!! but you can make em more tolerable;;;

soap - bring your own! little travel soaps you can keep in your bag are a godsend for ppl with sensory issues, sensitive skin/allergies, and if you just prefer not sharing soap.

temperature - most public places i notice actually do get hot water pretty fast (like,,, too fast,,, like,,, it bur ns me) so if there are no faucets and its too hot or too cold, once again you can try different sinks and one might be more comfortable. if there are faucets i recommend grabbing a paper towel to turn it off, so you dont have to touch it again with your clean hands.

sound - WHY R AUTOMTIC FLUSH TOILETS SO FUCKEN LOUDD..... honestly if you have noise cancelling earmuffs or earplugs or w/e pop em in. if you dont have any of that i just literally plug my ears with my fingers when i stand up. if you struggle with the sound of the blow dryers, they almost always have paper towels as well, but its a great idea to carry something like that around in your bag with you just in case. if its really packed and people chattering is getting to you, sometimes the ‘family’ bathrooms are actually smaller and less full. if its bad enough and you feel comfortable asking, an employee might be able to direct you to a single stall bathroom or at least a different one than that.

and though its convenient, try not to use your sleeve to touch things like doorknobs, toilet handles, etc. instead use something disposable like a paper towel or wipe, bc the germs will simply transfer to your sleeve and still risk infecting you. 

5. schedule

the number one suggestion is to wash your hands literally as often as possible during a time like this but like. even for allistic/nt/abled/ ppl thats just not always an attainable schedule so the Best times to wash your hands are;;;

after using the bathroom - the most important time and generally the easiest to get used to. its smth you have to do multiple times a day that already has a schedule, and if you were to forget or go into sensory overload its usually immediately accessible as soon as you can. as i mentioned earlier, if you need help remembering, you can turn the water on when you first get in and leave it going.

the doctors - ANY KIND of health facility should be avoided right now unless really necessary, places where sick people would frequent is the quickest way to get sick but like. ya rly cant help it sometimes right. you cant stop dealing with your own illnesses just bc theres another one floating around. so, this is time to go apeshit on the handwashing. if your health issue involves coughing and sneezing, ask for a face mask. bring a scarf in case they dont have any, its not as great but better than nothing. otherwise, you honestly dont need it, face masks are more for these people bc they keep germs in better than out. whether you’re worried abt getting sick or infecting others, this is a time to use hand sanitizer, avoid physical contact like shaking hands [autistic cheering], and when you first arrive and right before you go to leave are the most important times to remember to wash your hands. 

preparing food - not as commonly spoken about, but also easy to work into a schedule. i personally dont care unless its food for somebody else or if im going to be putting my hands on it a lot, but if thats the case, a lot of the time thats produce you already want to wash in the sink, so you can kill two birds with one stone there. dont just get the germs off your own hands, get em off the fruits and veggies before you eat em. carpool

after grocery shopping - not very common. most ppl just slap some sanitizer/a wipe on there or dont think abt it at all, but if you just got home from walmart thats a great time to wash. you just touched a bunch of items other people touched, including the cart, money/credit cards, and all the products people will pick up and put back, so its prime germ time babey. But again, sanitizer or a wipe will help if its all you can manage after a trip out like that.

before self care - also uncommon. ppl always say ‘dont touch your face’ and ‘apply this product with clean hands’, and what they mean is that one of the fastest ways germs get into your system is through your mouth, nose, eyes and ears. if you’re simply washing your face theres not as much concern, but applying a mask, moisturizer, makeup, etc. should all be done after a gentle rinse of your hands (and face). very hard to get into the schedule of, but if you consider it a Part of your ‘self care’ or use a special fun cleanser, it can stick a little easier.

6. stim items

STIM ITEMS!! if you have stim items, its a good idea to clean them regularly, but even moreso during an outbreak like this.

rubber/plastic - if it goes in your mouth, hot water (not hot enough to melt!) and dish soap, if it doesnt, look up how to safely make a diluted bleach solution.

silicone - silicone is usually dish washer safe.

fabric - if its light, add bleach to the washing machine, if its colored, you can use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide which are less likely to discolor any dyes. lysol detergent is also super great. small items you’re worried about losing, or items with details/loose parts, you can usually wash inside of a sealed pillow case. 

‘squishies’ - for ‘mochi’ squishies aka the rubbery ones, soap and water + some dusted baby powder or corn starch (optional) to keep it from grabbing lint for a while. for foam squishies, they can rarely be deep cleaned without the risk of growing mold or taking paint off, but a disinfecting wipe every now and then should keep it clean for a while.

slime - cant be disinfected, sorry. also a breeding ground for mold if you arent careful, so its always best to cycle through these quickly.

technology - cant really be completely sterilized, but there are many places to get sprays and cleaning wipes for the devices you use that can at least keep the areas your hands frequently touch a little cleaner.

BUT of course if your item comes with instructions on how to wash it, always follow that instead. this is just a general idea.

and as a final note;;; disabled ppl should not feel guilty or dirty for struggling with this. like. man idc abt ur cringe feels or your ignorant blame or your lack of understanding/sympathy for what goes into these tasks for us. if u dont wanna get our struggles and sensitivities when we’re working twice as hard on functioning tasks which personal ease you take for granted, thats on you. @ disabled people if you struggle with maintaining the same standard of hygiene as nts you arent gross or bad fucking person, you’re disabled and by definition that means your level of functioning will be different, and you deserve sympathy. its just that germs dont discriminate, they wanna cause problems for everybody involved (especially you!!!), so Anything you can manage is Great and if anything from this post can help make it a little easier for people in any way, i feel its absolutely necessary to talk about with respect and dignity. people with autism/adhd/sensory processing disorder/similar neurodivergencies/literally anybody else this could benefit, pls feel free to add on any tips you might have or send me questions. let disabled ppl help disabled ppl do our personal bests

[fallingfromdepression]

12/6/2020

this is gonna be less about school and more me rambling about my mental health and where i am rn in life. i got triggered earlier and i’m hoping i’ll feel better once i write it all out so then i can hopefully get my mind focused back on trying to do this final assignment due tmr evening that i’ve barely started so that’s what the stakes are. put under a cut bc it’s detailing quite a bit of some of my personal life

so i bought a surprise box from an indie artist that ended up being around $30 total with shipping (not too bad since the box is supposed to include at least $50 worth of merch). i haven’t had a lot of misc purchases ever since i came back home, or at least i’m definitely spending less than i did when i was at school, and i generally like all of this artist’s merch so i thought it was a decent expense. unfortunately i did have to buy it today when i am technically supposed to be working on finals and etc but it didn’t take much time since i was notified abt the restock yesterday and i preferred to buy sooner rather than later (i.e. after all my finals are finished) esp from small businesses that have a limited stock. but since my parent is intimately involved with my finances, they saw the purchase asap and kind of interrogated me abt it esp since it’s not a purchase from amazon or a bigger business.

now the context that makes that latter part more meaningful: about this time last yr, i had a situation where i tried to buy an anime merch through a proxy on twitter. this proxy didn’t have an actual website so i was buying through DMs. when i paid the proxy in advance, this same parent saw the purchase and asked me abt it and checked up on the process without asking for any further info. i made the grave mistake (in hindsight) of being honest and telling them i still hadn’t received the purchase months after i had paid them so then this whole shitshow ensued where my parent was convinced the proxy was conning me (the proxy had proxied merch for other ppl before based on their facebook proxy page) and had me cancel the proxy which the proxy thankfully agreed to except they still wanted some payment since they had still gone through the effort to get the merch supposedly (the wait was due to them not shipping the good out yet) so they said they were only going to refund part of the payment. yet again i told my parent abt this partial refund and that further convinced my parent the proxy was conning me (out of $3) so they were like no absolutely no payment to the proxy. lucky for the proxy, around the time i was refunding the payment i had left home and gone back to school so i told them to refund the full amt and i’d pay them separately so i could pretend this $3 payment was for something else i was buying physically. and very very lucky for me the proxy was understanding and refunded the full amt so it looked like i got everything back and i paid them separately through another app. the thing is i was expecting the proxy to take a while bc i had seen on other twitter accounts that proxied merch through individuals tended to take a while, and it had been abt 2ish months since i made the payment. i understand the concern my parent had esp since they are not familiar with online informal dealings, but the thing is ever since this fiasco my parent has assumed everything i buy from a small business (aka anything they don’t recognize) is me getting conned again.

to a degree i understanding and appreciate the concern, but i’m frustrated bc even with that proxy payment i literally cried that night out of anxiety and concern bc i knew there was a chance i could get conned and i had spent days being like ‘should i do it. oh god idk should i. but i’ve checked up on this proxy through any means possible and they seem ok enough...’ so it’s not like i’m like naive af and being like ‘tee hee con me !!’ like i understand the risk and was willing to do it (and to this day i still believe i would have gotten the merch albeit much later than expected). and my age is considered adult age pretty much internationally so it’s not like i’m a naive af 8yo who doesn’t know the dangers of the internet. yes i haven’t made much online purchases but i’m aware of the scams and try to make sure i’m buying from a trusted seller and if it’s worth it for the price. but i hate having to be so concerned abt my spending habits and whether the package will get here in time before my parent cancels the order out of fear of me being conned “again” at my age. i’ll admit i don’t have a stable job yet but it’s not like i’m spending money every week or even every month. if i wasn’t at home i would be less concerned bc the shipment isn’t going to my home address so the parent can’t scrutinize it but bc it is now, my spending is put under more scrutiny.

anyway my parent’s low-key interrogation shook up my mental state as expected and i had to take a bit to unload on my sibling and cry a little. i know if i wasn’t at home this wouldn’t affect me as much but bc i’m at home and having to deal with it in person instead of over text or a phone call... and the damn pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon so i’m going to have to stay at home for the indefinite future. it’s not like i have a ton of shit i want to buy but i don’t want to have to deal with this trigger every few months (last purchase was back in maybe september or so towards a book publishing kickstarter which i guess bc it was only $15 my parent didn’t kick up too much of a fuss abt since technically i still don’t have the ebook i paid for). i’m not purchasing any christmas presents for friends or anyone so i don’t have that as a cover or anything. but the thing is even once i leave home i have little confidence i’ll be able to be independent and my sibling told me it’ll take a few years for me to get a grasp on things but idk. it just feels so far away in the future and i can’t envision my present self with no motivation or willpower to do it even though i mean when push comes to shove i’ll get it done i suppose. i know the rational outsider’s answer would be ‘well why don’t you start working on that better future self now?’ and i’m like great fucking suggestion and i have nothing to argue against that. i just literally cannot envision my future at this point, even if i act on my vague dream of doing art as a job. maybe once i fucking finish these finals and this quarter i’ll be able to think more clearly but idk. as i said in my last post, i really need to consider seeing a therapist bc being at home and having to handle being under my parents’ control again is really doing a number on me esp as essentially a NEET (partially false since i’m still in edu but i really do be feeling like that since i feel so useless and dependent on my parents at my age when i know others my age are slightly more independent).

i feel like this ended up me rambling about essentially the same things i ramble abt whenever i talk abt my mental health the past few years and idk how much this actually helped unload the burden on my mental state. i just wish i didn’t have to have this trigger bc i would’ve just made the purchase and then not think much abt it until i receive the package. but now i have to have this concern for the future on top of the fucking deadlines i have in the next 2 days.

[princiere]

it's proposal story time fellas

I wanted to write a lil thing abt how the proposal with Akira went so here u go ;v; things got tense but thankfully I have the Anxiety Overdrive when someone else is struggling lmao

also I'm super sorry if the "keep reading" function doesn't work again. I try my best, but sometimes tumblr doesn't feel like letting it work. like I've said though, all posts that I feel need the "keep reading" option will be tagged as long post, regardless of if the link works or not

okay, with that out of the way, time for a lot of anxiety and crying hfjdjg

I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Akira. We'd been friends for a few years now, and only dating for a few months, but I knew him more than enough to feel like I want to spend eternity with him.

I knew he felt the same. He's confessed multiple times in the midst of intimate moments about how he wants to marry me. Sure, he'd get extremely embarrassed afterwards, but he never tried to pretend he didn't say it, let alone mean it. We've even discussed it outside of intense intimacy, and while we were both ungodly flustered imagining it, we both knew that neither of us were opposed to the idea.

It was just a matter of who was going to ask first.

I fumbled with my promise ring - a new habit I'd developed since buying the pair for me and Akira. I felt...much more nervous than usual today, but I couldn't figure out why. Was there something I was forgetting? Akira's usually pretty good at reminding me if I'm neglecting something, but he didn't say anything this morning before I had to go to work.

...Thinking back on this morning, he seemed to look stressed too. Was he okay?

I decide to shoot him a quick text, since work is slow today.

'hey babe, how are u?'

Sure, it seemed a little out of place for me to ask something like that out of nowhere, but I'm willing to put compassion over dignity any day.

Aki: 'I'm alright. Why do u ask?'

'just wondering! u seemed kinda tense this morning :('

Aki: 'So u noticed?'

Aki: 'Don't worry about it, I've just had a lot to think about recently'

That can't be good.

'well, I'm here to talk if u want to'

'not much happening at work right now'

Aki: 'Is that so?'

Aki: 'In that case, I think I'll stop by for a bit, if that's alright'

My heart starts to race. Usually, I'm excited when he visits during my shift, but given my anxiety...I can't help but think the worst, especially with how Akira supposedly has a lot on his mind right now.

'yea absolutely !! I'll see u soon c:'

I shove my phone in my pocket. Well, I've got at least a good thirty minutes before Akira gets here, I might as well try to do some work.

...

Without thinking much, I place my hand to my mouth, feeling the ridges of our promise ring press against my lips.

Another habit I developed.

×-♡-×

After what felt like a short eternity, I notice a familiar man with the messy black hair I've grown to adore. He quickly locates me and steps up to the counter I'm stuck behind.

"Hey," I can only say, unable to hide my grin.

Akira gives me a gentle smile in return. "You seem chipper."

"Thanks, it's the anxiety."

Akira chuckles, before moving one of his hands from his pockets to the back of his neck. "Sorry about earlier, I should've clarified that what I'm thinking about is good."

I instantly let out a huge sigh, earning another giggle from my boyfriend. "Thank you, I was about to start shaking."

"Well, how's work been?"

"Uneventful."

"I can tell. Am I the only customer right now?"

"Are you even a customer if you aren't here to buy anything?"

"Fair enough. Lemme look at your selection."

Knowing he wants me out from behind the counter, I step out and join Akira at his side. "Right this way, sir."

The term of address, combined with me linking my arm with his, gave me exactly what I wanted: Akira's cheeks dusted a nice pink, and he stammered for a moment before regaining his composure. "Just because there's no one in the immediate facility, doesn't mean you can't at least warn a guy when you do that."

"You love it."

"I never said I didn't."

I snickered, pushing against his side a little more.

I didn't expect to feel something in his pocket. It felt like...a small box?

Before I could identify it any further, Akira shifted so that his body was a little more ahead of mine, so our sides weren't pressed together anymore. I figured he could tell that I knew something was up, but I didn't say anything in case I was just jumping to conclusions.

But...that small box felt like-

"So, what genre are you up for recently?" I inquire.

As Akira ponders over our front shelves with the current best sellers, I glance over at his face. I can't help but notice the sheer anxiety he's surely experiencing, given the sweat running down the side of his cheek and how red the tip of his ear was.

I don't bring it up, however. Mentioning his condition only makes Akira go into denial, so I know I have to wait before he'll tell me what's going on, even if I am starting to get rather worried.

As a small reminder, I squeeze his arm a little, and he instinctively returns the sentiment by taking his hand in mine. Since I'm stood at his left side, I can feel his promise ring on his hand.

...

"I think my shift's about to be over."

Akira hums, confirming that he heard me. "I'll be right here then."

Before I can leave to clock out, however, Akira pulls me back to his side, pressing a quick kiss to my temple.

I can feel that box in his pocket again.

I still smile, giving his hand a quick squeeze before slipping mine out of his grip and stepping away to go get ready to leave.

...It can't be what I think it is, right?

×-♡-×

Train rides home are always stressful. Even if you don't have claustrophobia, the amount of complete strangers pressed up against you is bound to be too much sometimes. Thankfully, Akira always keeps me close to him, keeping a firm grip on my hand. It's something we've done for ages now, even before we started dating.

From where I'm pressed up against him, I can't feel the box in his pocket. But with how Akira willingly wraps his other arm around me and has me bury my face in his shoulder, it's enough to convey to me that something is going on. He's never this openly...clingy?

"I love you."

I almost missed it, given the situation, but as Akira breathed those words into my ear, I felt a shiver run up my spine. Was he trying to kill me?

I respond by rubbing his hand with my thumb. I feel him huff with amusement, the hot air on my skin making me tremble for a brief moment.

Sometimes, train rides are stressful only because your boyfriend's being cute as fuck.

×-♡-×

I can sense the change in Akira the moment we get home. He was being his sweet and usual self, but now he was suddenly tense and almost silent. It reminded me of when we first met, when he was acting the same way.

I decide to go against my better judgment.

"Akira, I know there's something you're not telling me."

I watch as he freezes at the corner leading to our kitchen. He doesn't look at me, and leans against said corner. We stand for what was probably just several seconds, but felt painfully longer.

"It's...nothing bad, I promise." Akira says. "Like I said, I've just been...thinking. A lot."

"It's about what's in your pocket, isn't it?"

I see Akira practically flinch, and he begins to hunch over slightly. I finally move closer, snaking my arm through his like before.

It's then that I notice Akira's on the verge of tears.

"Aki...?" I mutter.

"I'm sorry." He manages through what sounded like cottonmouth. He swallows, before adding, "M-Maybe I got too ahead of myself, a-and-"

"Hey, hey," I hush him before he can ramble, moving to stand in front of him now. Akira could only look down at the floor, with his hands buried in his pockets. I gently rub his forearms in an attempt to comfort him.

"We've talked about this before, yea?" I mention, trying to smile for his sake. "So you know what I'm going to say."

Akira moved his gaze to stare at presumably where the wall and floor meet. "But...we've only been together for-"

"Two months, I know." I interject. "I keep track too. But we've been friends for so much longer, haven't we? We've been so close for so long now that everyone thought we were dating for a lot longer."

A tear slips down Akira's cheek, but he lets out a small chuckle. "It was hard to think of excuses as to why we almost always held hands..."

I giggle with him, feeling my own eyes well up. "We were both in denial for ages."

Akira noticeably begins to relax again. "I just...was never able to imagine myself being with someone...especially to the point of wanting to marry them."

It was true. He was always so detached from everyone that it was a shock to everyone - including himself - when we started officially dating. "You've come so far in just a few months." I comment.

Akira chuckled, leaning his forehead against mine. "Don't act like you weren't the sole reason for that."

We share a small kiss, before I ask, "Do you feel better?"

"...Yea."

"Alright. Why don't we have something to eat first before we continue this conversation?"

Akira smiled. "I think I'd like that."

×-♡-×

As we were setting our dishes in the dishwasher, I notice Akira fall silent again. However, he doesn't seem tense this time, so I don't say anything.

...

"...Do you have some grand speech in mind for me?"

Akira looks over at me, taking a moment before understanding what I was talking about. "Ah, well...maybe? Do you want a grand speech?"

"Only if you already had one prepared."

"...Sort of?" Akira averts his gaze, his cheeks flushed. "I mostly just had a general idea of what I wanted to say, and I'd mostly just wing it because...it'd feel more genuine, I guess."

I can't help but smile. "Aw, how cute~"

Unlike the playful glare he'd shoot me for calling him cute, Akira instead looked at me with what definitely felt like adoration. It was my turn to blush, and I avert my gaze in response.

"Either way, it's...not exactly a surprise anymore, huh?" Akira's joyful expression falls, as he toys with a loose lock of hair on the back of his neck.

"I prefer it this way, actually." I mention. "I think I would've just started sobbing if you surprised me, or maybe even faint."

Given how our first kiss went, Akira chuckled at the memory. "We certainly don't want that."

Silence falls over us, and we share a few glances. "So..." I swallow the lump in my throat. "You gonna ask me in the kitchen or...?"

Smiling, Akira takes my hand in his and leads me to the living room. We take a seat on the couch, facing each other with our legs crossed. Without the TV on, the apartment is almost deafening with its silence.

We sit for a few moments, as Akira collects himself. He takes in a few deep breaths, before eventually enveloping my left hand with both of his.

"When..." Akira pauses to think. "When we started talking, I figured you'd just be like everyone else that I was friends with. You'd do most of the talking, I'd get involved in your shenanigans, and so on.

"But...I couldn't help but feel...at peace, whenever it was just you and me. Sure, you were never out there, but you had your own ways of being entertaining and intriguing without having to do much. You're unique, in a way that I can't help but feel calm and content with.

"I always couldn't help but notice your independence, too. You stood out because you were different, like me and the others, but you always seemed to take it in strides. Instead of feeling ashamed or embarrassed, you always presented yourself as just you, and not just another student or citizen. You never cared for other peoples' opinions about you, and I find that...very admirable."

As Akira spoke, he fumbled with the promise ring on my ring finger.

"With how easily we connected, you'd think we were together in a past life." Akira's voice grew more quiet. "I never imagined how amazing it'd feel to click with someone as much as I do with you, and...I want to keep that feeling forever. If you'd let me, of course."

Akira took a moment to dig in his pocket, finally pulling out the small box and placing it in my hand, still being held from underneath by his other hand. He carefully opened it, revealing a ring decorated to look like a wreath with a small sapphire on the top.

"Matthew...will you be at my side...for the rest of time?"

By now, I've started to involuntarily cry, my cheeks burning and my heart skyrocketing. My throat became too closed up to speak, so I could only nod, falling over and leaning my forehead on Akira's shoulder.

"Of course..." I manage through a choked sob. "...God, you knew I was gonna say yes, but you still go and say all that..."

Akira lightly snickered, using his free hand to pet my hair. "I had to make sure you knew that I'm serious about this."

At this point, we're both crying, holding each other while we still hold the box between us.

As we start to calm down, I sit back up while Akira shifts to take the ring out of the box, removing my promise ring to replace it with the new accessory. "What are we gonna do with the promise rings now?" I ask, my face still stained with tears.

Akira thinks for a moment, before suggesting, "They'll get framed with the wedding photos."

I smile, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

"I think I'd like that."

[bunnywand]

oh my goddd, so in my posts abt the fake cards earlier, when i mentioned someone else was looking for a specific one too?? well it turns out they've been looking for an exclusive version of "the winged dragon of ra" that upper deck entertainment representatives apparently used at some tournaments around 2005?? similar to this seal of orichalcos!! 😧

and the creator who made the fakes i've been looking for (miles the fox) also apparently made a ra one with the same artwork, which is why they were looking into miles' fakes too?? but that was just one aspect of their search for this card.. and as far as i can tell they've been looking for it since at least 2010 😦 like i've found posts by them on reddit, deviantart, pojoforums etc spanning the last decade and a bit, like they are Relentless in their search for this 😳

the most recent things i've found from them are from 2018 and 2021, where they claimed to have been in contact with some people from upper deck to get some info on the card, and made a supposedly accurate mock up of it?? but man, what an interesting quest, i hope the card surfaces one day like the seal of orichalcos did!! 😭