#stuck on that figurative and literal limbo. growing up and never changing. no one to raise her. she came out pretty well for her...

[the-acid-pear]

Literally got drunk already and I'm having fucking thoughts about Dee HELP.

[weafurry]

I have the sudden visceral urge to rant about some stuff in From Cinders and Ash (my main au) so here we fucking go.

[I ran out of motivation while I was writing this so Hollow's section is really short but I'll probably come back to this later to keep rambling]

Ghost, Hornet, and Hollow's relationship with Pk

[It is important to note that Kin will also be added to this list but I have to work out more details first

It is also important to note that this specifically covers things before the game and shortly into the main events of present day of the au. ]

So first of all,

Ghost.

They don't really know how they feel.

They never really put much thought to it. They had other things to deal with and used that as a reason not to think too hard, when things started calming down after Radi was killed, they figured that they'd never have to consider it, he was dead after all.

But of course when that changes, suddenly they're forced to grapple with the emotions they've been previously ignoring.

They understand that he did what had to and was stuck between a rock and a hard place. They understand that he had no malice and was only doing what he felt was his only option. They understand all of that and yet they can't help but feel deeply hurt by it all. There's resentment that they can't shake. They can't help but think of when they fell, when he didn't help them, but in the same breath the guilt they saw on his face.

They know why he did what he did, they understand how things could of gone had he not, but still they can't bring themself to trust him. They want to, stars they want to. To let him be what he never could be, to give him a second chance, but when they have so many conflicting emotions that they have no clue how to even begin to process, it's one hell of a feat.

Hornet

[There is a lot of important background details I will be sharing here]

Before Hollow was sealed in the black egg her relationship with him was strained but not the worst it could of been.

Whether he distanced himself from her out of guilt or they were very close is still something I have yet to decide, currently it exists in a strange limbo of he tried to distance himself but found that he kept spending time with her despite his fear of doing so.

Growing up she spent most of her time with the weavers and in the palace, with the ocassional visit to Vespa.

Of course when Herrah went into her sleep it hit her very hard, and she ended up clinging to pk because of it. (Much to his dismay)

When she spent her time in the palace just as much as she clung to PK she clung to Hollow.

I imagine she probably had a pretty hard time making friends, at first due to her being incredibly hyper and quite literally bouncing off the walls being too much for bugs her age to handle, and later as she grew older, lashing out at those around her.

Thus her relationship with Hollow was *incredibly* important to her, viewing them as practically her only friend.

She caught onto the little tells of emotion when no one else did, she taught them to sign in secret, and learned multiple things about how to fight just by watching them.

Understandably when Hollow was sealed away she was *devastated* and directed her anger to the only person she could easily do so.

Thus began the process of her convincing herself that she hates pk, avoiding dealing with the pain and grief by channeling it into anger, and while she's well aware of what she's doing, she abstains from ever acknowledging it.

Because being angry is easier, pinning everything on someone, something to channel her energy into and place the blame into is so, *so*, much easier. If she's angry she doesn't have to process anything. If she's angry she doesn't have to grapple with the fact that not only does she not have her mother, she lost the one who was her only friend.

Anger is safe. It's comfortable, no matter to how unhealthy channeling all her emotions into it may be.

The last conversation she has with him before the white palace disappears is shortly after the infection starts up again. In which she vents out all her frustrations with him, in harsh razor sharp words. Most importantly drilling in the point that Hollow is suffering and it's his fault. There's a point where she reaches the end of her rant and a wave of conflicting emotions can be seen behind her eyes, before she steels herself and rushes out of the room. I have such a vivid image in my head for this scene and it's one I really went off on when writing. (One of the few I'm really proud of)

I have a lot of thoughts for her feelings and reactions to the whole him not being dead ordeal but my brain has decided to say fuck you. So that will have to wait for another day. Before I move on though I'll just say theres a reason Down The River by The Crane Wives is in the playlist for this au.

Hollow

Out of the three of them Hollow is the quickest to forgive him. They hardly hold any resentment like Ghost and Hornet do. Not to say they don't have some conflicting feelings, because they absolutely do, that's just natural with this whole situation.

But, despite how they've been hurt, they still choose to forgive him, and him even trying to be a parent again is their idea.

There's this one scene, with them and hornet, when they decide ultimately make up their mind about forgiving him and bringing up the idea, that I have such a vivid image in my head for. I've rambled about it to friends before but it was all very disjointed, and I have yet to actually properly write it down.

I'm running out of motivation juice to keep writing this so I'll leave this here and maybe come back to expand upon it later

I will leave these discord messages here so this section isn't *too* empty though

[ymbly]

Sanders Sides Fan Fic: Switched

Chapter 1/?

AN: This chapter follows quite close to the first episode of the show, but as the fic goes on it will go a bit more out on its own

-

Three.

There were three. 

Apathy, Pride, Judgment.

Logan, Roman, Patton.

Dark, evil, ‘Dark Sides’.

-

Three.

There were three.

Caution, passion, self preservation.

Virgil, Remus, Janus.

Light, good, ‘Light Sides’.

-

One.

Thomas.

Thomas Sanders.

His role in this was more confusing than the world itself. 

-

Sides.

Strange beings with much of them unknown. 

All of which wore the same face.

Each with their own color the rainbow.

The one thing that made each unique.

-

Things had been unchanged for decades. Everybody had their roles. Their part to play. Their domain of Thomas’ psyche. 

They each had something to do. A job that never changed. Perhaps that’s why several were growing bored of their current lives.

-

--

---

----

---

--

-

A web series wasn’t exactly Janus’ favorite idea of Thomas. In fact, he heavily disliked the idea of Thomas creating one. Not to mention the fact that the web series was supposed to include the sides in it. Now that, he despised even more. He’d much prefer Thomas to be out pursuing a more traditional path to fame, but what could he do? It’s not like he was the one driving Thomas’ passion.

Virgil wasn’t against the idea by any means, more just the fact that he had to be in it. Being the literal embodiment of caution didn’t exactly help with this by any means. The camera hadn’t even started yet and he already felt like his heart was going to burst out of his ribcage. However, nobody else seemed to notice this since over the years he’d gotten quite good at disguising his fear. 

Remus was always excited to do something new, so this was no different. He felt as if there was electricity running through his veins. The kind of excitement mixed with slight anxiety that leaves you feeling drained later but pumped up in the moment.

Thomas had nearly finished the intro, and while there was little script for the sides, they all knew soon would be the time for them all to join in on the conversation.

“I need to have a sit down with myself, figure myself out, and maybe come to a better understanding that we all could learn from. Let’s do this!”

Virgil was the first pop up, oh god why did he have to be first?

“Hey,” Virgil greeted simply as he appeared on screen.

“This is my cautious side,” Thomas began, “My fears, fight or flight, all of that is in his domain. He’s also a constant reminder of my emo phase.”

“Hey-!” 

“Hey did you know that one fourth of the bones in your whole body are in your feet?” Remus quickly interrupted as he rose up. Virgil let out a quiet sigh at Remus’ introduction. Could’ve been worse though, so there was that. 

Thomas paused for a second before speaking, “This is my passionate side...somehow. Everything that keeps going, and random facts too apparently.”

“Gotta spice things up sometimes, Thomathy,” Remus replied.

“How is a random fact about bones ‘spicing things up’?”

“I’m surprised things aren’t more derailed,” Janus stated as he finally appeared in the room.

“We’re close,” Virgil answered as he eyed Remus. The chaoticness could be annoying, but he didn’t mind it too much usually. 

“And finally this is my self preservation,” Thomas started as he went back to his cheerful attitude from before, “Well, not as much in the physical sense, but trying to make sure I get by okay in life…I think,” Thomas attempted to explain.

“He also looks like he stepped right out of Spirit Halloween,” Virgil quietly said under his breath while looking at Janus.

“Says the one who looks like he hasn’t seen a mirror in weeks,” Janus replied. 

“Now enough of that, you two can fight when we’re not recording,” Thomas quickly added, breaking off the short argument.

“So what are we doing here anyways?” Virgil questioned.

“Well, people know me from all the Vines I make, but I don’t feel like people really know me know me.”

“Well perhaps they would if you posted YouTube videos more often,” Janus replied.

With a slightly annoyed look on his face, Thomas responded, “Okay, all right, that’s fair,” Thomas quickly started, “But I don’t know if I know me! There’s some things even I need to figure out about my own identity. Like, okay, relationships.”

“A one way ticket to-,” Remus began.

“Let’s not go through that door,” Janus cut in.

“Just gotta find somebody that will accept you for your flaws, I guess,” Virgil adds.

“Everybody does have their own flaws, and you could say that love is about accepting those,” Janus tried to explain. 

“Yes, that is definitely important. Flaws and all. Speaking of which-.”

“Are we bringing up flaws now? ‘Cause you have more than -” Remus quickly began.

“Passion, sto-,” Virgil started before being interrupted.

“I believe this would be of interesting conversation,” Janus once again cut in.

“You’re so fucking boring!” Remus said to Thomas.

“You’re often too selfless,” Janus added in.

“You keep changing your path in life, like all the time, way too often,” Virgil finally gets out.

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” Thomas quickly said after. 

“Well, remember everybody does have flaws,” Janus reassured.

“You’ve got good parts about you too, like uh, like you’re alive,” Virgil replied since he couldn’t think of a compliment.

“You aren’t a murderer,” Remus started, “Yet!” 

“Excellent compliments, guys,” Janus remarked as he rolled his eyes, “You try your best to get your work done and it shows. There, not that hard.”

“Well, thanks I guess, guys,” Thomas responded.

“It’s hard to think of stuff on the spot, okay?” Virgil attempted to reassure him as he messed with the strings of his hoodie. 

“Okay then, what else do I need to figure out?”

“Biggest fear?” Virgil quickly replied without thinking.

“Being boring!” Remus quickly answered.

“What happens after death,” Janus followed.

“What if you were stuck in a state of limbo for the rest of your life-,” Virgil began to reply to his own question as his eyeshadow slightly darkened.

“No, no, we are not talking about fears! I am well aware of those! I am talking about what I need to figure out about myself,” Thomas anxiously interjected. 

“Would you eat a clone of yourself if you had no other source of food?” Remus spontaneously questioned.

“Not...not those kinds of questions, Remus,” Thomas replied with a sigh.

“What kind of an impact do you wish to leave on the world?” Janus added, replacing Remus’ question with his own.

With that began the end of the video and Thomas’ speech to the viewer. Virgil felt less anxious than he thought he’d be, Remus felt, well, like Remus, and Janus felt a bit drained but other than that quite good. One by one, they sank out. Virgil, however, couldn’t stop a thought from rattling around the back of his head. What if this series provoked the dark sides?

-

I don’t write much so it might not be the best but hey I tried

Ao3 link

Edit: Formatting is a little weird because tumblr doesn’t let me do it the way I like

[subukunojess]

On The Edge of Living (Ch 1)

Archive of Our Own / DeviantArt / FanFiction

Fandom: Beetlejuice the Musical

Word Count: 5,511

Content Warnings/Awareness: Death, Blood, Possible Gore, Mentions of Abuse, Smoking, Suicidal Themes, Giant, Tiny, G/T, People, objects, and animals are getting eaten, Vore (don’t know whether to tag it as such), Fluff, Angst, Adventure, Found Family, Friendship, just everything is wild.

Pairings: Charles/Delia, Past Charles/Emily, hints of Beetlelands, hints of Lydia/OC

Summary: AU. Lydia Deetz knew her life would turn upside down when she moved to a supposed haunted house with her father and life coach. What she didn’t expect were two actual ghosts living in her attic or being cursed to be bound to a demon sealed in some ancient spell book.With a growing emotional demon by her side and the afterlife betting on their future, Lydia will travel from Hell and back to break the curse and find out where she belongs… if her new town doesn’t end up being rampaged first.

Here’s my entry for the Beetlejuice Big Bang!

This was a surprise project I decided to take on when I saw it on my dash and I wanted to challenge myself writing with word count in mind. I knew I wanted to write a Beetlejuice AU with a tiny Lydia and a giant Beetlejuice, so I worked from there. I also wanted to challenge myself by planning and organizing my story ahead rather than take it chapter by chapter. Although it’s been difficult, I managed to pass the required 10 K mark and plan out the gist of my story. As of now, I have the chapters figure out and I have at least 20 K, but at the moment I have three completed chapters. I hope to work on the fic during my free time. 

Thank you, @beetlejuicebigbang for giving me the opportunity to do this! Without further delay, here’s the first chapter of my fic:

Chapter 1: The Curse Begins

In life, people say that only death is certain. For the afterlife? Eternity, any suffering of some kind, and the places the dead end up. Depending on the soul and the circumstances of someone's death, a person could be sent to a variety of realms. There were different versions of Heaven, Hell, Limbo, and in some cases, a holiday world. This tale in particular resides in the living realm, Hell, and the Netherworld.

There were two major details that the living didn't know about the afterlife. The first one was that the Netherworld was like a creepy airport for the recently deceased, only that it was really a dark abyss that led to who knows where with no way of telling where anyone would end up.

The second thing? Demons are really huge compared to humans, dead or alive. In the living realm, they blended with humans physically to make situations easier. But in Hell? A demon's true height could range between seven feet to hundreds of feet tall. And Hell wasn't just a cavern of fire and brimstone either. It was the dark, grimy underworld of a city where slum lords lurked in the alleys and the air was polluted with a fiery, red haze. It was nine circles of everlasting torture ruled by cardinal sins and vices. And for a certain demon who spent most of her afterlife in the Netherworld, it was an empty and bleak waiting room in a large office building with the walls decaying and the air smelling of burnt socks.

Juno Shoggoth scowled as her heels clacked against the tiles of the hallway, walking to the waiting room while trying not to hunch over as usual. Once she had signed in with the receptionist, she took her seat and briefly pulled the cigarette out from her lips, letting the smoke ooze out from the slit on her neck.

"Why did he have to call a meeting now of all times?" Juno hissed, crossing her legs. "Doesn't he know my work schedule in general?"

As director of Netherworld Customs and Processing, it was her job to make sure that the transition from life to the afterlife went smoothly for the dead. Sure, the work was tedious and the woman would rather smoke for eternity than deal with tiny annoyances, but she was assigned to the position not by choice. She literally and figuratively grew from a civil servant spirit to a powerful demon overnight; one of her proudest achievements she had to admit.

Her biggest mistake was Lawrence.

Lawrence Betelgeuse Shoggoth. Just thinking about his name made her blow another smoke ring and want a shot of alcohol. Like most other demons who were born dead rather than turned into one, Betelgeuse appeared after Juno had affairs with a demon and the demon left. She didn't like children to begin with, let alone raising something that acted like one. Regardless, she didn't have a choice either when a dead-born was involved. Dead-borns were powerful shifters with abilities no one dared imagine and capable of changing their size more smoothly than regular demons, hence the curses placed on them and the mandatory supervision. If every realm in existence turned upside down and the blame traced back to Juno, she would never hear the end of it.

"Lucifer is ready for you now, Miss Juno!" The receptionist's shrill, but deep shriek interrupted her train of thought.

"It's about damn time." Juno muttered under her breath as she threw her cigarette away and stood up. A red line of energy was drawn in front of the demon out of nowhere before splitting in two and opening as a doorway to Lucifer's office. She walked through the portal, the line disappearing as soon as she entered the room. Although she got used to the afterlife, Juno would admit that she didn't know whether it was a relief or unnerving that the room was a typical office one would expect a boss to reside in with a chair and desk, save for the hazy landscape of hell on the other side of the window in front of her. At this point, she didn't even bother wondering.

"Have a seat, Juno." A deep, gruff voice commanded from a leather swivel chair in a calm tone, causing a slight echo in the room. Juno sat on the wooden chair without fanfare, glaring at the window.

The ruler of Hell was arguably the most massive demon ever known, probably rivaled by Leviathan if they got into a mood. Big horns? Monstrous? Usually dwelled at the very bottom of Hell? Most of the rumors were true along with the fact that everybody knew not to mess with him unless they had a wish worse than death. Despite such knowledge, Lucifer appeared from the swivel chair on the other side of the desk, much smaller than normal and dressed for business. A simple black suit and dark red tie with golden cuff links. Dark grey medium length hair with large twisted horns of ivory adorned on top of it. Yellow eyes with pupils akin to a goat's narrowed as he fixed his collar and cleared his throat.

"I have a feeling you know the reason why I called you here." Lucifer stated, raising an eyebrow. Juno returned the action.

"You usually don't call me unless A) you’re redesigning the Netherworld in some way or B) Beetlejuice is involved. Something tells me it's the latter."

"Come on, Juno. Don't sound like I keep calling you because of that! You're a good worker. No nonsense. Telling it like it is while sorting out the souls. You're one of the few demons I could tolerate." When Juno didn't respond, the ruler of Hell continued.

"I just wanted to discuss what our plans are for Lawrence in the future, that's all." Lucifer shrugged. "Just to prevent repeated offenses from happening. Despite his... flaws, your son still has potential. Deceit. Torture. Power that some dead-borns don't have. I wanted him to become an official exorcist demon, but you insisted on having him as a Netherworld guide instead, even though he hasn't done it properly in centuries!" He brought a fist down onto the desk, the whole room seeming to tremble at the action.

"With all due respect, sir, we cannot give any more power and ego than the fool believes he has." Juno hissed as she pinched the bridge of her nose briefly. "If we do, both the Netherworld and Hell would be in shambles. And I believe you just want him to annoy one of your own headaches."

At that, both demons glared at each other and crossed their arms as they leaned forward. They stared at each other down for a while until Lucifer pulled back up with a sigh.

"... You're smarter than I thought." Ignoring the woman's tiny smirk of victory, Lucifer turned his back to her as he stared at the hazy city before him.

"You're not wrong. You got Lawrence and the Recently Deceased, I got the souls of the damned and the other cardinal leaders bothering me. Beelzebub especially. Always gloating that he's more powerful and mainstream than the rest. I figured that if he's with someone just as annoying as him, he'll settle down and we both get them out of our businesses for at least a decade or two. Maybe a century if we're lucky."

Juno scoffed. "That's going to be a problem since I banished mine to the world of the living."

"And how's that going for you?" Lucifer glanced back at the director, almost knowingly. "Knowing him, he'll find a way back to the dead. He always does."

“I can assure you that Lawrence is stuck at the surface with the living and suffering for it.”

Meanwhile in one of the several downtown areas of Hell, something was going down on one of the top floors of a ten-floor apartment.

In front of the building was a black Mercedes Benz with a fly painted on the hood, idle as the driver waited for someone. Inside the car, black sharp nails drummed against the wheel at a scattered and quick pace while the owner of said nails exhaled a buzzing breath.

“Why is he taking so long? There won't be much time left!” The driver growled in a high baritone voice that sounded as if it were melting like butter. His unruly, spiky orange hair seemed to hover over his pointed ears as his bright orange eyes narrowed at nothing specific on the street. He was tall, had dark tan skin, and a bit chubby around the edges with a pot belly held back by a sleeveless maroon shirt and ripped black jeans. The large fly wings on his back hummed against the seat, almost impatient. It was supposed to be a quick stop of supplies and nothing else. What was going on in there?

Just then, there were some muffled shouts until someone burst out through the front door lugging an overfilled burlap sack over their shoulder. The demon was a bit more than five and a half feet tall with golden eyes, pale skin, and wild green hair along with some yellow strands popping out. They wore a dusty dark grey coat over their black and white striped suit and green tie.

They then exclaimed in a masculine, gravelly voice as they scrambled into the front passenger seat, "Step on it, Bee!"

"It's about time!" The orange-haired demon groaned in relief as he slammed the accelerator and the car sped off, causing the other to almost fly out to the backseat, but he held on.

“What took you so long, Beetlejuice?! I’ve been waiting here for decades! Did ya get everything?” Bee inquired with a smile.

Beetlejuice chuckled and nudged an elbow to Bee, “It hasn’t been that long and you know it, Beelzebub. I should know; I’ve been waiting for centuries. And it isn’t my fault this time! A couple o' demons were late, some of the items were wrong, and I kinda-sorta pissed some of the demons off with a femur. Don't ask."

“Damn… my bad. We wouldn’t have taken this detour if dear old Satan and the rest of my ‘family’ didn’t seal some of my powers away! You take over a few séances and possess a large group of people for three weeks and suddenly, you’re the bad guy!” Bee snarled and shook his head before making a sharp left turn at an alley once he saw some shadows at his rear-view mirror.

“I know, right?” Beetlejuice scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Sounds just like my mom. ‘Beebleboose, stop bothering the recently deceased and get a job!’”

Beelzebub laughed as he elbowed the dead-born demon, the yellow colors fading back to green. “See? We get each other, BJ! The only other demon who gets me would be my twin, but he’s more about locking his stash away and never using it. Not us. We gluttons know how to have a good time! Why don’t you move down here for the rest of eternity? We could be neighbors, roommates even!”

"As much as eternal suffering sounds awesome, it kinda loses its touch after a while, ya know?" Beetlejuice leaned back in his seat. "Doesn't it get boring torturing and killing souls over and over and they always come back? It's gettin' to a point where everyone expects it. I just wanna get out and have my kind of fun for a change! I wanna be with the living! I don’t want anyone or anything tying me down ever again."

"I hear ya, Ant-Wine. There's just something about the living that's so damn addicting. And I ain't just talking about tastes either! Why do you think I keep risking my existence for the biggest gluttons out there? And what's your job on the surface again? It sounds hilarious!"

"A bio-exorcist. Y'know how the living try to take out demons? I, a demon, take out the living for the dead." Beetlejuice jerked a thumb to his own chest with pride, then shrugged after thinking about it. “Granted, I can’t affect the living and I’m getting ghosts to make the living say my name, but it’s a good gig.”

“Well, ya don’t need to worry about that anymore once we get to the spot!” Bee assured him as he checked to see if anything else were following them, then sighing when they were in the clear. “I got some of my followers on the surface getting themselves into position. When we get there, I possess the leader, say your name three times, and we both get summoned into the land of the living. We scare and eat as much as we want, grow as we please, and we split the world and possibly the universe fifty-fifty!”

“Eighty-twenty.” Beetlejuice challenged.

“Seventy-thirty.”

“Sixty-forty, plus I get a Broadway musical and say-so on the merch!” The green-haired demon pointed finger guns at the other while winking.  

“Deal!” Both demons shook on it.

“Ay dios mio, is that what you were planning all this time?!” A tiny, muffled voice squeaked all of a sudden that almost made the two demons jump. Hearing the source near him, Beetlejuice blinked and glanced down at one of his shirt pockets. He reached to open it when a small head poked out of the pocket. A blueish-green head with long red hair that Beetlejuice recognized from anywhere.

"Teresa?! What are you doing here?" He exclaimed as he almost fell backwards in his seat. The woman in question stood up from her spot in the pocket and lifted her arm to point up at him.

"I could ask you the same thing, mi canalla! Here I am, riding and sliding in your pocket instead of taking my well-earned, once-in-a-death time break! Do you know how much paperwork I needed to file to get it approved?!" Teresa scolded while almost ripping strands of her own hair out, then sighed as she pinched her forehead and muttered in Spanish briefly. "I saw you leaving the Netherworld and I got worried, so I followed you and hid in here while you shifted."

At that, the dead-born demon scowled and crossed his arms. "There's nothin' ta worry about. I'm fine on my own!"

Beelzebub glanced from the wheel to see the tiny spirit and gave a slight smirk, reaching to poke her with his pointer finger. "Huh... So your guardian ghost is Miss Argentina?" At that, Teresa snapped her fingers and pushed the large appendage away.

"That's Miss Teresa Maria Argentina to you, buster! No touching!"  She craned her head up to the giant that carried her. “Who does this guy think he is, anyway?”

“This guy is the demon prince of Gluttony.”

Teresa scoffed, then did a double take and stared at Bee again. "Huh. Not what I expected for the king of all pigs."

"La adulación la llevará a todas partes, Señorita. And there's more to gluttony than just eating." The demon crooned, focusing back onto the street. “We’re in the age of excess, honey, and you’re a part of it whether you like it or not.”

“Oh no, I’m not going to be in your little scheme of yours! Which, by the way, will backfire!” Miss Argentina pointed out before crossing her arms in disapproval.

“You can come to the land of the living with us?” Beetlejuice offered with a grin. Before Teresa could reply, both she and the dead-born jolted forward when Beelzebub suddenly on the brakes. The three looked out the window to see an entire row of demons barricading the street. Some demons had motorcycles and their own cars while others stood with their hulking bodies alone. All of them came in different shapes and sizes. A particular demon who looked more like a chubby dragon in form stepped forward from the crow of angry demons.

“Beetlejuice, we got ya surrounded! Come outta the glutton's car. We just need ta talk!” The dragon demon bellowed with a brash voice.

Beetlejuice let out a laugh, his hair turning a bit yellow at the tips as he opened his window and waved. "Heeeeeey, Rosco! How's the femur?" A growl and glare was his only reply.

"Go on ahead! I'll see if I could blow these guys off and contact Mintaka to back us up! I'll catch up with you two when I can." Beelzebub ordered. Without waiting for an answer, he revved up his engine and made a sharp 180 turn. Magma spewed from between the wheels and created a large wave of molten rock, causing the line of demons to scramble away from it.

“Now!” Beelzebub shouted as Beetlejuice's door opened by itself. The ghost didn't need to be told twice. He flew out of the car and landed on his feet before he ran into a nearby alleyway. A few demons and imps who had avoided the magma followed him.

Teresa clung to the edge of the shirt pocket for dear afterlife as her giant mode of transportation moved quickly. Yes, she was dead, but that didn't mean she was immune to pain. It was also a force of habit.

Beetlejuice cursed at himself. It would've been much easier if he were at the surface and he could just teleport himself away. He didn't have that luxury in Hell. Seeing a wired fence up ahead, he had a plan. He pulled at his hair three times as if grabbing something, then he seemed to throw something invisible to his pursuers. All of a sudden, three clones of himself appeared in front of the demons, blocking them from their path as he leapt onto the fence and clambered up to the other side.

"Damn that rat!" One imp exclaimed in frustration. Beetlejuice smirked and continued moving. After a while, he came across an open clearing and an entrance to a burning park covered in glowing stalagmites. They were close to the summoning spot. The ghost with the most cheered, jumping into the air and pumping his fist. Nothing could ruin his moment! He took a few steps forward...

... only to get tackled by a large dust cloud consisting of Rosco and Beelzebub clawing and gnawing at each other. Beetlejuice snarled as his nails and fangs sharpened, trying to push both demons off of him while biting and scratching anyone who came too close. Teresa ducked down to the safety of the shirt pocket, questioning her afterlife choices. The ball of fighting seemed to stop when both Beetlejuice and Beelzebub grabbed Rosco by the shoulders and slammed him to the side of a building.

"Ha!" The two demons exclaimed in victory. The impact was so great, it caused the building to break in half and topple over, hitting the building next door. And the one after that. And the one after that. Soon, there was a giant building version of dominoes falling one by one until it stopped at a particular office building where two demons were having a meeting.

"BETELGEUSE/BEELZEBUB!" Two voices roared suddenly, echoing all over Hell and possibly the Netherworld as well. Both demons in question stood up straight, let go of the dragon demon, and winced in unison.

"Oh crap."

Before either of them knew it, the two demons and the spirit found themselves in Lucifer's domain, tensed and unaware of what would transpire. As Bee got dragged away in chains, Beetlejuice stood in the middle of the hallway and averted his eyes from Juno's sight, his hair and outfit turning a gloomy violet as his wrists shifted from the handcuffs behind him. Teresa stood on the director's shoulder, not saying a word.

"Why doesn't this surprise me one bit?" Juno stated calmly, only to shriek when Beetlejuice opened his mouth to speak. "You damn fool! You couldn't give me just one year of peace without screwing it up!"

"But mom-!"

"BUT NOTHING! I'll deal with you later." Juno raised the palm of her hand, causing Beeltejuice to stumble backwards and freeze. Without delay, she then took out a piece of chalk from her hair and drew a tiny door on the nearby wall. She knocked on the door three times with her pinky and the door opened up to reveal green mist. She then aligned herself so the ghost on her shoulder was in front of the entrance.

"I take it you enjoyed your relaxing break?” Juno asked in a saccharine tone. Not waiting for an answer, she exclaimed. “Now get back to work! We just got a bus load of casino gamblers who are probably going to fight with the football players and do who knows what. And no word of what you saw here to the others, understand?”

"Yes, ma'am." Teresa nodded as she held herself while trying to look as professional as possible. She strutted to the door, but stopped just as she was about to enter. She turned her head to look back at Beetlejuice who tried not to make eye contact with her. With a sympathetic frown, she gave a slight wave and made her exit, the door shutting behind her. Beetlejuice looked to the door and sighed, only to yelp when his handcuffs tugged him forward.

“Come on, Lawrence. Satan’s waiting for you.” Juno ordered, walking ahead past her son. She beckoned her finger and the handcuffs tugged again, forcing Beetlejuice to follow her. They went down the hallway and entered the last room which was filled to the brim with demons and imps like a courtroom. Most of them were either involved with recent events or were nearby. There were conversations between their groups until the Shoggoths entered the room, causing the room to become silent.

Juno took Beetlejuice to the front of the stand where the Cardinal Council sat in tall podiums waiting for him. The Cardinal Council consisted of powerful demons who embodied the seven main cardinal sins known to humans. Belphegor of Sloth was dozing off in his seat. Leviathan of Envy was writing a few notes to themselves. Asmodeus of Lust brushed his pink long locks with a comb and some help with a breeze he summoned. Mammon of Greed fidgeted with his coins like always. Beelzebub of Gluttony managed a subtle wave to the dead-born. Last but not least, Lucifer stood at the tallest podium. Despite popular belief, he had the honor of having both Pride and Wrath in his repertoire. Nothing changed about him except that he had more fur and goat features at the moment. Beetlejuice took his place in front of the council, but felt the force from his mother staying with him. Once everyone was accounted for, Lucifer cleared his throat and drummed his claws on the podium.

“Out of all the dead-borns we have in Hell and all over, you have got to be the most stubborn pain in the ass I ever met.” He started, glaring down at the dead-born.

"Lucy, hey! How ya doin'? Your horns look extra-curly today." Beetlejuice casually greeted with a wink.

"Flattery will get you nowhere with me, Lawrence." The goat demon deadpanned. Beetlejuice felt his handcuffs tugging him back and he glanced to see his mother's disapproving frown. Swallowing the negativity for now, he returned his attention to the one in charge.

"C'mon, Lucifer. Let's talk demon to demon, huh? Sure, I snuck down here to hang out with one of the most powerful demons in Hell and destroyed a few things, but what demon hasn't?" The ghost with the most laughed and shrugged. "Besides, it's not like the first few times I messed up here."

“Oh, where do I begin with that?” Lucifer asked in a sardonic tone before he pulled out a large scroll from behind his back and unraveled it. The paper dropped on the ground and continued to roll onto the ground, stretching out of the room and seeming to continue rolling. Yellow strands of hair started to appear on Beetlejuice’s head.

“Surely, you must be exaggerating!” An imp who stood below the podium exclaimed in disbelief, leaning over to read the long scroll.

“This is Beetlejuice we’re talking about. Am I? Let’s read a few random ones, shall we?” The ruler of Hell took out a pair of eyeglasses and placed them on before skimming to a random spot on the list. “There was the time that he and another dead-born managed to freeze all of Hell for a while because, and I quote, ‘We need to have a snow day’.”

"We really needed one!" Beetlejuice shot back in defense. "I've seen breathers enjoy those all the time and Mint owed me one!"

Lucifer chose not to answer as he continued, "You let all the hellhounds loose and insisted that Cerberus should go on a 'play-date'."

"Hey, what Spot and I have is something special! They and Sandy would get along great eating souls and all."

"They are MY pet!"

"Eh... you say 'pet', I say 'furry and fun three-headed acquaintance'."

"And let's not forget the 'food' incident when you somehow managed to make the Netherworld smell like coconut, Hell smell like guacamole, and nearly consumed a hundred souls assigned to a specific place in Hell!" Nearly every demonic being in the room shuddered at the memory.

At the last offense, Beetlejuice shuddered as he nodded in agreement. "Okay, now that was a mistake I will never do again. The last time I would ever make anything in the Lust district. We'll leave it at that! No offense, Azzy."

"None taken." Asmodeus muttered from his seat, not knowing whether to bleach the memory from his brain or keep it.

"The point is you've been causing trouble both here and the Netherworld for centuries despite your curse and I'm at my limit for the last time!" Lucifer sneered, rolling the scroll of crimes back up and making it disappear.

The demons, imps, and four members of the Cardinal Council talked amongst themselves. No doubt they were talking about Beetlejuice and how annoying he was. Beelzebub raised his hand.

"Hey, Satan. It was my idea in the first place. B-Juice was just going along with it. Can't we just lock him outta Hell for a while and curse me instead?" The demon of Gluttony offered. The demon of Pride and Wrath glared at him.

"Oh look at you, trying to act all noble!" Lucifer's voice went up a pitch as he clasped his hands in mockery before he dropped the act and adjusted his glasses with a frown, earning a glare from Bee. "Don't play cute with me. He'll just somehow come here and you two will cause mayhem again!"

"You took the words right out of my mouth." Juno commented drily. The mutters and clamor resumed until Lucifer smacked the side of the podium with his tail hard, causing the room to be silent.  

"What we need is a more... proper punishment. A curse that'll make sure you get the message through that thick skull of yours." With a wave of his wrist, a hefty folder of papers stamped with Beetlejuice's name on it appeared on the podium. Lucifer then started skimming through the file. This continued for a minute or two until his eyes widened at a particular page. He glanced at the dead-born.

"You're obsessed with humans, right? I believe you call them breathers in the Netherworld. You and Bee have that much in common."

No one said a word. Beelzebub averted his gaze from everyone, sinking into his seat as he wanted to be anywhere but there. Juno blew a smoke ring, keeping her thoughts to herself. Beetlejuice continued to glare at the ruler of Hell from his position. Lucifer placed down the stack of papers and took off his eyeglasses to stare at the other. He was silent for a moment until he gave a slight smirk.

"Since you like breathers so much, I should give you what you want. It is what you deserve, after all." He rubbed his claws against his chest before he pointed one at the dead-born. "Lawrence Betelgeuse Shoggoth, you are still banished to the world of the living and cannot say your true name, but I'm adding a few details so you'll stay put. The first one? I'm sealing you to the one item that'll be your downfall."

Lucifer snapped his fingers and a flame burst up from the ground, forming a specific shape. When Beetlejuice noticed what the shape was, he paled.

"No... Not that. Anything but that!" He exclaimed.

"Oh, yes that. Congratulations, you're going to be... LITERATURE!" The flames died down and a large book with a black cover floated in the air. Upon seeing it, Beetlejuice dropped to his knees and screamed dramatically.

"But I can't spell! You maniac!"

"And that's not all! You will be sealed inside this book for all eternity unless you can bond with a living person. It could be any type of bond as long as it's genuine and strong. I'll add some more rules for you to read at your leisure. Until then, only a breather who can read your book could set you free and we all know the chances of that happening!" Lucifer laughed, causing everyone to join him. He then turned to Juno, raising an eyebrow. "This curse alright with you, Juno?"

"Beetlejuice becoming the very thing he destroys? Now that's something I would like to see." The director of Netherworld Customs almost grinned at that. Her son stared at the ground, the purple on his body and hair getting deeper. Seeing that Juno had no complaints, Lucifer then addressed everyone else.

"All those in favor of turning Betelgeuse into a book and throwing him out, say 'Eye'."

"Eye!" Everyone in the room except Beetlejuice and Beelzebub raised their hands, some of the demons even held up their own eyeballs. Lucifer took a quick scan and grinned.

"It's settled. Majority rules. Time to go. Bye, Bug-Beverage!" With a sadistic glint in his eye, the demon ruler snapped his fingers. The large book floated in the air and opened itself, its pages flipping and glowing until it stopped at the center of the book. Once it stopped, a swirling vortex appeared on both pages, acting as a powerful wind current as chains shot out from the book and connected with the ghost's handcuffs to pull him in. Beetlejuice panicked.

"No, wait! I'll behave, I promise! Not this, anything but this! Satan, the things I do ta get a different beginning from the original source material!" Beetlejuice cursed as he gripped at the ground to hold himself from the wind current and chains pulling at him.. It only increased the suction, causing some demons and imps to brace themselves.

His claws dug deep onto the floor as he was dragged by his chains towards the book. Gritting his fangs, Beetlejuice reached out to Beelzebub and cried out, "Tell my story!" Before the gluttony demon could respond, the ghost with the most was sucked into the book and it slammed itself shut.

Everyone in the room applauded and let out a sigh of relief. With a deadpan expression on his face, Beelzebub got up from his seat.

"Well... that was fun." Bee yawned and rolled his eyes, pointing to the other side of the room. "I'm out!"

"Ah-ah-ah. Not so fast!" Satan crooned and grabbed the orange-haired demon by the shirt collar to stop his escape. "I haven't forgotten about you nor my original plan. Just need to put the finishing touches..."

Without any explanation, Lucifer pulled Beelzebub's arm towards his face and bit at the other's thumb, causing the latter to scream. He then slammed Beelzebub's left hand onto the book. Black blood seeped from the thumb and spread onto the entire book, glowing orange upon contact. When he felt that there was enough, Lucifer took off Bee's hand and waved over the book, causing the glow to fade. With that, the seals were complete.

Having watched everything, Juno stared at the book her son was in, her face expressionless. She then took a drag of her cigarette and glanced away, almost relieved. "Let the living deal with him now."

"Where should we drop 'im, boss?" An imp asked as it hopped next to Lucifer, ready to complete the deed once and for all.

"The one place rarely anyone would find it so easy." The ruler of Hell replied after a bit of thought. "A place no one would ever expect such a powerful book to be!"

Late at night on the surface where the living dwelled, a red portal opened up above the sleepy town of Winter River, Connecticut. The black book fell out from the portal, its blank pages fluttering with the air as the portal immediately closed back up. The book continued to fall until it reached above an old tall house on a hill, going through the roof and landing right inside the attic of the house where it waited for someone, anyone worthy, to open and read it.

[shophotlavablog]

Inspo: Lizzy Alvarado

Lizzy went from an internship at Steakworld to a career woman at depop. One of my favorite Lizzy stories is that she used the tips from a post I made on tumblr about” how to land an internship” ON me and got the job.  Now She is the the marketing manager at Depop and constantly making waves. She is always inspo for Hot Lava design and aesthetic so I wanted to highlight this hustler to inspire everyone to seize the moment and make it happen for yourself.

Q: What have you been working on lately?

With my job everything has turned digital, which has been a crash course on how to do an event in digital format. So, I’ve been doing a lot of [Instagram] lives with different artists and trying to bring the energy that I used to do with my work IRL to digital, so it’s kind of been a challenge, but it’s been fun.

At home, kind of just nesting it up. I feel like every few weeks I realize how long we’re going to be in quarantine—so I, like, redo my house a different way, so I think it’s kind of nice because since quarantine started I’ve really settled into my house. I have a lot of house plants and cats, so I’m kind of like trying to keep everything alive.

Q: What are some things you’ve been doing to prioritize “me time”?

I think by making myself a challenge. Right now, me and my best friend are doing this workout challenge, where we FaceTime each other and do the workout at the same time. It’s been my mental and physical entertainment, and gives me something I have to be held accountable for, like trying to workout and having a goal.

Recently, I took a week off. Even though were working from home I don’t think it’s the same as when you’re working; you always have to take a little break and reset and a lot of my coworkers and myself have not given ourselves that, because we’re working at home, when are we going to take that time and just sit? But recently I took a whole week off and I didn’t answer one Zoom meeting or do anything. For me, that reset my whole mindset and gave me time to just think about the reality of the position we’re all in, and my reality, like what I need to do instead of living in limbo of half doing things because I’m waiting for us to be out of quarantine his life for now just telling yourself that you need to adjust at least until like January or something for now and just set my dates back, pushing things back as things happen.

I feel like I’ve been working later and more sporadically when I’m working from home because you can just check your messages or your computer whenever, and you can get up and see the dishes are piling up and spent two hours cleaning your kitchen, and then you have to make up for it, and then you’re working until nine or something, so it’s definitely a balance figuring it all out.

Q: Can you give us a small walk through on how you started out in your career, and what younger you would need to hear to get where you are?

I started off by doing a PR internship in NY that was focused on beauty products. It was there that I learned a few hard truths like the "top 10 best products for glowing skin" mentioned in vogue was actually just a list of products that various PR agencies were able to pay off editors to add. It just didn't sit right to me and I didnt end up staying at the agency after my internship, but it did spark something in me about promoting products that I did like and that aligned with my values: sustainability, female owned brands, etc.

One great thing about my time in NY is that's where I happened to meet my boyfriend on one fateful night out at Max Fish which is usually the opposite of the place you meet your soulmate lol. Anyways fast forward a few months and  I ended up moving to LA for said boyfriend and had to completely start over. I had no connections in LA, no friends, and at that point was still too early in my career for my resume to stick out of a pile. The start was rough and I had to get PT jobs to make money while I figured out what the fuck I was going to do in this new place where people usually move to with very specfic big dreams.

Now to the good part, the part where HOT LAVA started it all for me. Rachael loves this story and I didn't actually admit it to her until several months after working for her. Basically I had been reading her advice column Steaktalk for a long time and she had a post about how to get a job. Literally she broke down how to set up your resume, cover letter, and mentioned ways to set yourself apart from the rest. Well I used it to apply for an internship with her and it worked! Once I had that experience in LA under my belt I was able to transition into a brand manager for The Cobra Shop which was right next door to the HL office and eventually I started working for Depop as a Marketing Manager which is where I am today.

Q: Tell me your most embarrassing moment in your current career/ relationship/ creative endeavor:

That’s a tough one. I feel like when you’re first starting out, everything feels embarrassing. I remember the first time I came to Hot Lava—I didn’t do anything I can think was embarrassing, but like, being embarrassed of my existence of just not knowing how to interact with people. Because when you just see everything online, when you finally meet people in person, sometimes it can be really overwhelming. It’s kind of funny to just be embarrassed for being yourself sometimes, but I feel like you grow out of it.

Q: Do you think about where you’d like to be in 5 years or even 1 year, or are you more of the “in the moment type”?

I am more of a person who is in the moment. I do think of where I want to be in five years but I don’t hang onto that title too much, because I think if I think, “In five years I want to be a CEO,” and right now I’m just a marketing manager, in my head I’m like, “What am I doing? I’m just out here everyday not doing that.”

I feel like I live in the moment as far as knowing that, if you are in the moment, it’s going to pay off in the future. If I do work on whatever I’m supposed to be doing at the time, or whenever I’m given the opportunity to do that, then yeah, it will pay off in the end.

I don’t think my career really started to move until I was able to accept being in the moment. For me, when I think about my jobs and how I got to being hostess in New York, to being a dog walker and now to becoming a marketing manager, I don’t think I was able to do that until I was able to say that I just need to live in the moment and get that job to make money right now.

I knew I thought I could do something great but I wasn’t able to do anything great until I was able to sit myself down and handle the basics like, get a job—not “the” job, but a job, and just do OK at that, get your money right, and get to the right place. And slowly I was able to start looking for internships and then I was able to get one. Then it just grew from there.

I feel like if I was living with my head in the clouds, thinking about the future, I wouldn’t have been able to do that because I wouldn’t have accepted just getting a basic job for now.

Q: What causes you stress and how do you ease those stresses?  

Prioritizing my work/home life tasks stress me out, especially working from home RN if you have a deadline but also a pile of dishes to do it's hard to ignore that when you aren't able to leave the house and ignore the home life stuff. I try to read self help books, make lists, ect. The biggest help is self talk and just reminding myself that the world won't just because your todo list isn't complete.

Q: Name one hobby:

I really like going out and riding my bike, so finding places are safe right now has kind of been the thing. I don’t go mountain biking or anything, I like riding my bike in a nice/safe area. I also don’t want to be in the city, so I’ve been looking for national parks nearby and local areas where you can do a 14 mile bike ride or something. I used to live in New York and I would ride my bike everyday, so I used to ride 25 miles a day, but now it’s like 12 miles I’ll make a whole day out of it.

I also really like music, but it’s sort of like a personal thing. I write songs and work on stuff, but I’ve never thought of it as something I’d do in reality. But, I’ve been doing that a lot more since we’ve been in quarantine.

Q: One thing you always tell your best friend:

I mean I tell her everything. I literally have become attached to Facetime with her daily since quarantine started. It's kind of a nice thing because she lives all the way in Texas so being stuck inside has brought us closer. I used to call her every couple of days and give her the highlight reel of my week but now it's like every 3 hours and life is so boring stuck inside that no detail is spared.

Q: If you wrote a book what would the title be and why?

Scared for No Reason: Why Doubting Yourself is Your Downfall.

I feel like there are already many books about this subject but I haven't found one I really connected to specifically. One of my biggest realizations in life is how much fear has stopped me from doing things I am actually really passionate about or interested in. I am still on the road to ultimate confidence (giving myself a deadline of reaching age 30 for this), but a lot of things changed in my life when I pushed past the fear and doubt that is a big part of my inner voice. A few examples are applying for internships that have led to my career (thanks Hot Lava), talking to my boyfriend who I have now been with for 5 years, walking up to a brand's creative director and telling them I can produce content for them and making that my side gig. The point is none of this would have happened if I was listening to that fear voice in my head saying I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or qualified enough.

Q: What's your favorite Hot Lava piece and why?

My fav Hot Lava piece recently would have to be the bike shorts or zebra dress just from a design perspective. I think the team really hit the nail on the head and created trending pieces in a unique Hot Lava style. My all time fav piece and first piece I ever bought is the surf top! I purchased the first one HL ever produced the night it launched in 2014 or 15? Its white and has an eye! But I love the cut the most. I have it in black and lime green too. It's just the perfect top, a contrast of modesty with the high neck but also sexy with the tightness.

What's on Lizzy's Playlist:

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Candyland: What is your favorite type of candy? White chocolate. Like, white chocolate Reese’s. Yum. 2. Chutes & Ladders: Do you have a fear of going up on ladders? Does your house have a laundry chute somewhere? It does seem like it’d be scary. I would worry about it falling backward or it sliding off whatever it’s leaning against. Or me just falling off somehow. And no, we don’t have a laundry chute. That would be nice. 3. Operation: How many surgeries have you had in your lifetime? Seven. 4. Sorry!: Do you sometimes apologize, even when it’s not your fault? Yeppp. I’m quick to blame myself or find fault in something I did. I can be so understanding and forgiving when it comes to other people, but I’m very hard on myself.

5. Game of Life: What is your greatest accomplishment thus far? What do you hope to do with the rest of your life? You would think it would be graduating UC and obtaining my BA in psychology, but I feel like such a failure and disappointment because all that degree has done in the 5 years since I’ve graduated is collect dust on a shelf. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life, but I know I don’t even want to purse that anymore. :/ It just feels like such a waste now, not an accomplishment.

6. Cootie: Did you really used to think that boys/girls had cooties? Nah. I played with boys and girls growing up. 7. Trouble: What is something big that you got into a lot of trouble for? When I was like 11 or 12 I went into teen or adult chatrooms (remember AOL chatrooms??) and said inappropriate things and IMed with some guys. :X  Somehow my mom found out and yeah, needless to say she was not happy.  8. Puzzles: When was the last time you felt puzzled/confused? How often do you feel like you don’t fit in? I’ve felt confused about a lot of things for a long time now. I just don’t know what I’m doing or what I want to do or what the hell is wrong with me. I also have always felt I didn’t really fit in. I’ve often felt like the 3rd wheel or black sheep. 9. Hungry Hungry Hippos: What’s your favorite meal to eat? Wingstop garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings or ramen. 

10. Uno: Can you count to ten in another language? If so, which language? En Español.  11. Go Fish!: Have you ever been fishing before? Once. I found it quite boring. 12. Old Maid: Did you ever have a maid in your house, growing up? No. 13. Simon Says: Did you always do everything you were told as a child? I was a goody-goody for the most part. 14. Red Light, Green Light: When you approach a yellow light, are you more likely to slow down or speed up? I don’t drive. 15. Are you any good at jump rope, hopscotch, or hula hooping? Have you ever used a pogo stick before? Nope to all the above. 16. Do you prefer chalk or bubbles? I loved drawing with chalk as a kid.  17. Did you used to go on a lot of bike rides as a child? No. 18. Capture the Flag: What is your country’s flag? What about your state’s flag, if you have one? The American flag. My state’s flag has a bear and a red star on it. 19. Tic Tac Toe: When you played, were you the “hugs” or the “kisses”? I always liked being X. 20. Have you ever won a game of Marco Polo in the pool without cheating? I think so. My cousins and I played that all the time as kids. 21. Scrabble: Are you any good at spelling? Yes. 22. While playing rock, paper, scissors, which do you usually throw down first? Rock.

23. Were you always stuck being the pickle in the middle? What? 24. Limbo: How low can you go? Not low at all. 25. When playing, did you usually pick “Truth” or “Dare”? I would pick truth. And that’s if I played at all.

26. Have you been involved in any innocent games of Spin the Bottle or 7 Minutes in Heaven? I’ve never played either one.

27. Twister: Are you a flexible person (figuratively or literally)? Nope. 28. Did you used to pretend that the floor was lava? Yeah. My cousin’s and I would play with a balloon and try to keep it from falling on the floor. 29. Guess Who: Are you any good at guessing games? I’m usually like, “I don’t know, just tell me!” 30. Clue: Do you think that you would be able to successfully solve a murder case? I like reading or watching murder mysteries and try to figure it out while I go, and I’ve always wanted to go to a murder mystery party, but I don’t know if I could solve a murder case for real. Real life is a lot more complicated, it’s not alll laid out or presented for you like it is in a book or TV show. It’d also be very stressful.    31. Mouse Trap: Have you ever felt trapped before, in some way? Yes. 32. Labyrinth: Have you ever gotten lost in a maze? The maze of life, ha. 33. Jenga: Are you careful about what choices you make in life? I’ve made a lot of mistakes and have a lot of regrets.  34. Bop it or Skip-it? Bop It. 35. Tag: Are you in shape? Do you enjoy running? No. 36. Kickball: Did you kick the ball over the fence a lot as a kid? No. 37. Are you any good at mini-golf? I’ve only played once and it was when I was a kid, so it’s been quite a long time. 38. Telephone: What do you do with a rumor once it’s been told to you? I’m not one to spread rumors.  39. Hide and Seek: Have you ever hid so well that it felt like it took somebody forever to find you? What was your best hiding spot? Yeah. I don’t recall what my best hiding spot was. 40. What Time Is It, Mr. Fox?: When were you old enough to tell time on an analog clock as opposed to a digital one? I remember in kindergarten we had a big clock with movable minute and hour hands and my teacher would spend time (ha, get it) with us changing the hour and minute hand and going over it with us. 41. Mother May I: Did you always ask your parents for permission? Yeah, I was pretty good about that. 42. Follow the Leader: Can you be bossy at times? Only jokingly like with my brother. 43. Monopoly: Are you good with your money/finances? I’ve gotten a little better this year.  44. Chess: Have you ever wanted to be king/queen? Nah. 45. Play-doh or Slime? Play-doh. Man, the smell of Play-doh is super nostalgic for me.  [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse] 

[southcitymillennial]

Broken Clocks.

I want to be alone.

I know I would miss my dogs if i left, but also it might be nice to not have to worry about anyone or anything besides myself.

I want to spend time figuring out who i am and what i want, on a personal level.

But instead i’ve gotten myself stuck in a situation where i’m married to someone who is codependent and more sensitive than i am. And it’s started to annoy the FUCK out of me.

He brings me down. He won’t get help. I’m tired of asking.

I know I have love for him. But it’s buried so deep underneath resentment and hurt and exasperation that it’s hard to see sometimes.

I can pretend buying a new house together will help things, but I don’t know that it will. It won’t solve everything for sure.

This must have been what he felt like over the past two years. But he didn’t stick with therapy. He for some reason hates everyone he goes to see. Fucking grow up.

I have basically a whole weekend to myself without him. He works tonight, having a boys night sleepover tonight, he works tomorrow, and he’s going off to his grandparents alone on monday.

and all I want to do is clean the house to music and organize my shit. This place is a hole and it’s driving me nuts.

He bought this house alone and equates it to all his favors so he’s been sitting here in a literal metaphor for his misery. again... GROW THE FUCK UP.

a new house and therapy won’t fix everything, but will it help.

The therapy and the sex are my two biggest issues. I should be with someone who takes care of themselves in EVERY ASPECT OF THAT PHRASE. So how long do i sit in this limbo hoping he’ll change? Is that my responsibility as a partner or is it me just so used to hurting myself that I don’t know the difference anymore? Is that what he’s been doing with me? He said I was mean to him. Then why fucking stay with me?

I think that I was more upset about being the bad guy when i left. I missed home. I missed the dogs. I missed the relationship we used to have. But relationships evolve, for better or worse. I just don’t know where this one is headed, better or worse. Sometimes i think about if he died, it would just be easier. Then i could get out without hurting him or being the bad guy again.

He made me cry about my credit cards. I have a lot of debt. I pay off what I can every month, but usually it’s the minimum.  I’m trying to dig myself out of a hole, so i downloaded a credit app. I need to get my usage down on my cards, so i asked to switch out one card for another (i asked him to hide them from me since i have a shopping problem), since the card i currently use for gas/car stuff is pretty high. He didn’t understand and got upset, saying switching out one card for another defeats the purpose. But he did it because he “didn’t want to be controlling.” He has the urges to be controlling, but he doesn’t give in.  But how long until he does? He has only ever done it when i left, and he wouldn’t let me see the dogs. He changed the locks. He wouldn’t give me a house key. He wouldn’t tell me the house code.

But that was in the past... i feel its fair that if he moves past my past, i can move past his.

But this past year was a lot of pain. Emotional Abuse that led me to do things i’m not proud of. Become a person I’m not proud of.

I want to be proud of myself. But I feel like theres a cloud hanging over me all the time. I feel bad if i don’t text him during the day, even if i have nothing to talk about. I have real guilt and unnecessary guilt. I feel like if I left and made something out of myself I would finally feel accomplished.

I never took time for myself. I left last year and was so full of so many things that I didn’t take that time to appreciate my alone time and learn about me. Other than I like walks, sometimes runs. I like working at night and waking up when I want to and eating what I want when I want.

I spent so much time trying to fit in with everyone else, I never got to know myself. And now that I am, I know I like to be alone quite a lot. Most of the time honestly.

I’m sitting here alone in my house, journaling and listening to SZA. The dogs are calm, the weather is lovely, I get to walk around my neighborhood all day. I felt good when i woke up this morning, no weed needed. For the first time in weeks.

[newmayhem]

Character Analysis: Risika (Part 2)

As always, I’ll keep using original names if I’m talking specifically about the original iteration and in quotations and stuff, but I’ll be referring to everyone by their new names in all other situations.

Sorry guys, this kind of slipped away from me, but better late than never, right?

One of the reasons why I say ITFOTN was ahead of its time (and our time, tbh) is that to me, it feels like a deconstruction/subversion of the sort of vampire YA novels that came out more recently. This is the story of the emotional fallout/trauma that happens when/after the ingenue heroine of a YA vampire novel is changed into a vampire, which is something that we almost never see.

When we first meet Roksana in present-day, I get the sense that she’s going through some sort of vampire quarter life crisis. For the past few centuries she’s sort of been in a state of hibernation- going through the motions and sleepwalking through life. She’s cynical, bored, lonely, and kind of numb to everything. At over 300 years old, she’s probably experienced pretty much everything a person could possibly experience in life and now she has nothing left to do but face herself and all the baggage she’s been carrying around and suppressing. In a nutshell, this is the general force driving Roksana towards her decision to finally confront Andros- the desire to reconcile her identity and move on. But let’s go deeper.

Based on what I was able to conclude in Part 1, it looks like these are the biggest priorities for her:

Figuring out her identity

Her Mother

This is not really touched on in the original text, but I think a big part of her story is that she knows nothing about her mother, but her mother and that part of her heritage played a large role setting her apart from the rest of the community she was raised in, which in turn, shaped both her and her brother’s lives. I think it makes sense, especially in my racelifted reimagining, to zero in on that and emphasize it as a key motivator for her. She wants to find out who she is in terms of heritage/culture/family legacy and that can manifest as her trying to investigate who her mother was, which could lead to a larger storyline about her place in the vampire world and in Nyeusigrube.

Morality

A major facet of her identity that does play a central role in the og text is morality. The big conflict is between whether she’s going to align with Alejandro’s morality or with Andros’. On the surface, it looks like she starts the story on the Alejandro side of the spectrum and ends on the Andros’ side, but the more I look into it, the more complicated it becomes (more details in part 1). 

I don't really buy that she was fully on board with Alejandro's side in the beginning, but rather that she ended up clinging onto his morals as a way to cope with his death. As for the ending, I don't think that her challenging Andros and winning was a sign that she's gone over to Andros’ side either. The way I saw it, Roksana, in fighting Andros and in how she handled her reunion with her brother, showed that she has come to terms with and has confidence in the morals and values that she’s set up for herself...the problem is, the og text doesn’t really tell us what these morals and values are and/or how she came to them. This is a question that I need to answer in the rewrite.

Codependency

Up until her transformation, Roksana has spent literally her entire life with Alejandro. He was the only person who could even come close to understanding her...but that bond was beginning to reach its limit even before Ather and Andros got involved. 

I think Roksana was starting to feel like they were growing apart and she was considering pulling away from Alejandro to try to explore her own identity. But when he was ‘murdered’ and that decision was forced out of her hand, she probably felt a lot of guilt, which caused her to cling to him (as a part of her identity) even more. Part of her journey through the story could be her trying to deal with her loss and find an identity separate from what she had as Alejandro’s twin.

Interestingly, I think that her reuniting with Alejandro and finding out that he had been alive all along was what caused her to finally come to terms with her separation from him and move on from it. It broke her idealized illusion of her brother, which was what she had really been mourning all along.

Something else to consider - Boundaries and limitations (or the lack thereof)

So in the beginning, in her human life, Remedios’ identity was defined by her society, which limited her based on her race and her gender, and by her relationship to her family.

After she is changed, she loses both her society and her family, and so without those mechanisms, she doesn’t have a good sense of who she is. Regardless of whether she was fighting against or trying to fall in line with whatever forces were trying to define her, she no longer knows what to base her identity on because now those forces are gone. She still, in a literal sense, has her gender and her race, but in this new supernatural society, those aren’t the metrics that identities are based on- it’s stuff like species, strength, lineage, etc. In the beginning, at least, she doesn’t know her strength, she doesn’t understand the weight of her vampire lineage, and she had become a vampire unwillingly. So essentially, she doesn’t know who she is. 

But she does latch onto that last fact- that she became a vampire unwillingly, and on the fact that in the process of being turned, the one person that she loved the most was taken from her. So all of that caused her to create this binary- either she’s like Andros (who, in her mind, is the prototypical vampire) or she’s like Alejandro (her ideal human). And so she chose to align herself with Alejandro and she did this by clinging onto the morals that he held so dear (even if she didn’t care as much for them herself when she was human).

Of course, that could only last so long before reality set in. This lifestyle, this old identity was keeping her from surviving, and despite her hatred of her new condition, she was even more afraid of what awaited her after death. So little by little, she had to chip away at it, making excuses and allowances that Alejandro never would have until she’s back at square one- without an identity.

Companionship/interpersonal connection

I kind of touched on this in Part 1- though she’s a loner, part of her does crave interpersonal relationships. It doesn’t play a huge part in her story...but it kind of does. Remember, the tipping point for her, the straw that broke the camel’s back, was that Aubrey killed Tora. It seems a little ridiculous that A) she’d befriend a zoo animal, and B) the death of said zoo animal would be the thing that directly motivates her ultimate act of revenge, but the more I think of it, the more sense it makes. Her close bond with Tora probably started because she thought that an animal was the only sentient being that wouldn’t be harmed just by being close to her. She’s seen all these other people who have been in her orbit - her brother, her new stepmother (who she barely even met), etc. - get hurt as a direct result of their association with her. So she doesn’t want to see another person get hurt, and she also doesn’t want to suffer any more loss. This means that really, Tora is not just her only friend, but also the last remaining proof to herself that she’s able to ‘be human’ through showing empathy, compassion, and affection (essentially, all the hallmarks of friendship). That’s why the murder of Tora was so devastating.

Note to self- I had my doubts, but now I think it makes sense to keep Tora as a tiger in the rewrite. Unfortunately, that means I might need to create some more people friends for Roksana to lose throughout her story in order to drive this point home. I hope to do that as unproblematically as possible.

Freedom and Power

It’s pretty clear from the og text that Roksana isn’t particularly power hungry or ambitious. That’s not a knock on her, I actually think this makes the story more relatable.

She’s not trying to take over the world (or save the world or destroy the world), she’s not representing good in the fight against evil, she’s not trying to become the most powerful/influential vampire out there, she doesn’t even care about gaining wealth. I’d probably go as far as to speculate that her D&D alignment is True Neutral. All she really wants is to be left alone to do whatever she wants, there is no higher agenda that’s motivating her. That’s an important perspective to keep.

For her, freedom is the ultimate power- freedom from the scrutiny, freedom from guilt/shame, freedom from fear, freedom from her past, freedom to be herself and live however she wants.

Getting closure and moving on

It’s pretty obvious that at the beginning of the book, she’s still not over the trauma of her brother’s murder and her transformation.

She’s stuck in this limbo state of obviously not being human and having more or less accepted that, but still not willing to fully commit to her vampirism. There’s still so much shame and guilt attached to it, but at this point it seems...dulled. Like it’s been assimilated into her state of being, but she’s now coming to the point where she’s feeling it drag her down. Like a weighted blanket that got wet. Or something like that.

When it comes to the ending of the story, while Roksana winning the fight doesn’t really mean that she’s embraced vampire society, it does feel like she's finally at peace with the fact that she is a vampire, she has to do certain things in order to survive, and whether that’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’, she’s ok with it.

[misguidedmonarch]

Transition Phase

I got hired.

Finally.

After nearly three months of "job hunting", one out of more than twenty companies found me suitable as their employee—seventeen of them said I was either "not suitable" or "too good", I have no idea why the latter was even a problem. It had been a year since I graduated—since I received that precious diploma—two months since I passed the licensure exam, and a month since I received my license.

Time finally began to flow in me...sort of. I really cannot tell. Everything still felt unsettling.

You see, when I was in college, getting over things felt like the easiest way out. Getting over the lessons, getting over the exams, the deadlines, the stress. The faster you deal with things, the better. Pass or fail, just move forward. Whatever happened in the past can no longer be changed kind of situation. If I pass, then I continue, and if I fail, I work twice as hard. It was an adaptation actually—a change in my belief���because, unlike in high school, being the best does not matter in college. Because being the best was nothing more but a consolation of perseverance in college. You get the attention and approval, but being a student leader, for example, can place you in the same pedestal. That belief had been beaten in my head, almost everyday until I felt stupid. But that was over now. I overcame that limbo. I may have lost myself in the process, but perhaps it would no longer matter.

Maybe I just became desensitized.

Living a life that had been programmed by people who had better knowledge on my situation made me uneasy. During those five years, I was prepared and honed to survive academic challenges in hopes that one day, perhaps I may use that knowledge in my work place, and that was it. Nothing else followed. The ideology that passing the board exam after graduation was supposed to be our ultimate vindication. Though not explicitly stated, we were forced to form that thinking that, for the sense of a shorter narrative, you are not an engineer unless you earn that license through a standardized test. Nothing else would matter after that. Of course we never knew how wrong we were until it was over.

Two months in my review last year, my anxiety attacks started to become more frequent. Three months in, and I suffered almost everyday. Palpitations, irregular breaths, waking up, and feeling completely overwhelmed by the nerve wracking thoughts inside my mind. However, upon further reflection, I realized that it was not the exam that was making me anxious, nor the notion of passing. I was anxious for what would come after. Job hunting, the disappointment of being rejected by the companies, the realization that once I start working would be the end of me. I was concerned and perturbed by the idea that I never even truly lived. With my anxiety getting worse, I decided not to take the November exam. I felt like escaping would be my best option to further delay my judgement. Back then, I thought I would have subdued my mind into feeding itself with unnecessary thoughts.

Once again, I was wrong.

On the day of my Oath taking, right after leaving the premises of the Plenary Hall, I asked myself on what was the point of everything that had happened. In the following weeks, each time I send a job application, and ultimately get rejected days later, it dawned unto me, I wasted a year studying for something that was absolutely superficial. Absolutely. Companies never truly place your license into consideration. With or without that piece of plastic, you may get hired. I can even count on one hand the true functions it served me. A valid ID.

Five years in engineering school, five years of stress, anxiety and severe mental breakdowns, five years of shared belief that a license would make me an engineer. Everything else was for naught. Have you ever felt scammed? That was what I felt. Swindled both literally and figuratively.

Maybe even my own alma mater lied to me. Passing rates, top notchers, they were all just bragging rights to stir the institution's ego. Do I have any grudge against my professors? Of course I do not. They became significant in honing me into the engineer that I am today. However, I do hate the system, the ideology that the university itself had conditioned us to follow. Board exam was not the absolute vindication that any of us needed, it never was. Passing or failing would never equate to those five years of struggle we have faced just to earn our degrees, nor to the great memories we shared with the friends we met along the way. For me, it was something not to look forward to actually, nor give exceeding glorification that it has today. Because at the end of the day, your license will never determine your performance or work ethics. The title of being an engineer was never exclusive to those who passed a standardized exam. If you can uphold the values, and proper judgment then maybe you can do better things than those who have the ID card inside their pockets.

But of course I passed, there was actually no point in ranting anymore. Right now, I feel like drifting in oblivion. My work starts tomorrow, yet my anxiety would still not shut up. To be honest , I am not even sure if I am even ready to enter this new phase—this new chapter. For the first time, I ran out of ideas, I can no longer see what lies ahead. I do not even have an escape plan. I might be stuck in this new cycle until I die.

Maybe I would grow. Maybe I would do great. Who knows? No one does. Perhaps I would just have to do things impromptu from now on. Maybe life would be best celebrated with random decisions and spontaneity. Perhaps that would be a truth about life; random things and surprises.

[alice-in-every-land-blog]

Trigger Warnings For: Mentions of torture, violence, parental neglect/abuse

Listen Here: [x]

The Lions Roar - First Aid Kit

But don’t you come here and say I didn’t warn you about the way your world can alter. And oh, how you try to command it all, still, every single time it all shifts one way or the other. 

The first song on the playlist is really more about Alice before she decides to descend into hell. It’s about her backstory both in and out of this fake world of Ancient Greece, and how she always tries to take control of things in her life but ends up making them worse. (I.E. Trying to prove her magic is real and getting experimented on; trying to run away with Kiara only to get them both caught and sold as slaves.) Though it has an almost happy, folk-y tune - which is great for the misleading nature that can be found in the happiness of some of the new Swynlake’s residents - the lyrics delve into the fact that Alice can be a coward and a fool, hints at her coming journey and how she has no idea what’s in store for her, and even gives nods towards Kiara, who was the reason she decided to journey to the Underworld to begin with. 

Her Name is Alice - Shinedown

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time, and every creature lends themselves to change your state of mind. And the girl that chased the rabbit, drank the wine, and took the pill has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels.

The second song on the playlist is very clearly meant for Alice’s descent into the Underworld. The playlist starts it’s more sinister tone as Alice walks among the ghosts trapped in limbo and takes the staircase down into hell, where she must choose a path. I like this song because it is very much foreshadowing what lies in Hell, and the odd lyrics mimic the messing with her head that will begin happening very soon. As Alice goes through Asphodel Meadows, the strange mixture of hope she feels in such a seemingly peaceful place mixes oddly with the gut feeling that there is worse yet to come. The conflicting nature of the song also represents the weighing of Alice’s coins at The Judgement Door.

Haunted - Poe

I need to get my bearings. I’m lost, and the shadows keep on changing. And I’m haunted by the lies that I have loathed, and actions I have hated. I’m haunted by the lies that wove the web inside my haunted head.

As Alice begins her journey through the Stygian Marshes, the Underworld begins to mess with her mind. The creepy tone and nature of this song is very, very fitting, as are the lyrics. Alice finds herself doubting her abilities, and as she makes her way though the muddy slopes of Lust blindly, she thinks of all those coins measured at the Judgement Door and what they could mean. She thinks about her past back in her own world, and her mother, and everything she’s endured - all the thoughts that haunt her subconsciously. She wonders if she will be able to make it to the Prison and free Kiara’s loved ones, as well as everyone else. She hears her mother’s voice. Or at least, she thinks she hears it. It seems the further she ventures, the louder it gets... Until she sees her mother, plain as day, standing before the docks of Greed.

Under The Water - The Pretty Reckless

There’s not a time for being younger, and all my friends are enemies. And if I cried unto my mother, no she wasn’t there, she wasn’t there for me. Don’t let the water drag you down. Broken lines across my mirror show my face, all red and bruised. And though I screamed and I screamed, well no one came running. No I wasn’t saved, I wasn’t safe from you.

This song has a sad, gloomy sound to it’s beginning. Which perfectly captures Alice’s feelings as she sees her mother, who lures her in with soft crying and words of apology. Instinctively, Alice goes to her, before everything suddenly changes. Just like the music, a drastic wave suddenly washes over Alice’s mother, and it’s as though all of Alice’s fears have come to torture her. Memories from her past swarm her in the form of distorted figures coming from the water and trapping her down, trying to experiment on her or force her to swallow various medications that make her sick. It’s a hopeless feeling as Alice fights back, terrified the entire time that she has lost the freedom she finally found upon coming to Swynlake.

Strange - Tokio Hotel feat. Kerli

A freak of nature, stuck in reality. I don’t fit the picture. I’m not what you want me to be, sorry. Under the radar, out of the system, caught in the spotlight - that’s my existence. You want me to change, but all I feel is strange.

This song is very much about Alice fighting off her fears and finally facing the real big bad behind them all - her mother. Her mother has never accepted Alice for who she is, has never believed a word out of her mouth, and has done nothing but bring Alice unhappiness. She is literally the cause of every awful thing Alice has been through, save for her father dying. This song is about Alice letting go of her mother - of never feeling good enough, of always feeling unloved - and moving on from it.

The Poison - All American Rejects

Can’t you see the faces melting as the sun rains from their eyes? Who are you to keep your head with the hearts that you hang behind? Look at yourself, look in the mirror, don’t you see a lie that you tell yourself again a thousand times? And the truth that makes us laugh will make you cry. You wanna die? No?

This song pin-points Alice’s moving on from her mother as she boards a boat to sail upon the swamp in Gluttony. She sees her mother everywhere and feels strangely at peace knowing that they were just to different to ever be fixed and have a working relationship, as is reflected through the majority of the beginning of the song. The tune also has this incredible sudden turn as the last of Alice’s fears - that she’s a liar in this new town, a fraud pretending to be something she’s not - comes in the form of Eva and Kiara on boats in the swamp of Greed, trying to sink her boat. Eventually, she makes it past them, shaken still.

Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up) - Florence + The Machine

I must become a lion-hearted girl, ready for a fight before I make the final sacrifice. We raise it up, this offering. We raise it up... This is a gift. It comes with a price. Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

As Alice makes it past all of her fears, she finds herself in the deepest part of the marshes. She is rattled by all she has seen, and doubt hangs heavier on her than ever. She starts to question why she has come here, and why she thought she could ever accomplish anything. Just as she is overcome with these insecurities, her boat is nearly tipped by the Lernaean Hydra. Alice finds herself wanting to flee, trying to turn back, believing she is not strong enough - but that is not an option. Instead, it is as she is capsized into the water and sees a literal glimmer that gives her hope in the form of a miraculous sword - the Vorpal blade - that she summons the strength she needs to get back up and fight. 

Hero - Skillet

Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives, and we’re not ready to die. Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ‘em believe? I’ve got a hero living in me. 

This song is literally the perfect score for Alice’s battle with the Hydra. It is with her renewed sense of hope and strength that she takes on this beast, endlessly chopping heads off only for more to grow back. Every time she is afraid she must give up, she reminds herself of why she came here in the first place, and begins anew, until the Hydra is finally defeated.

Ordinary World - Red

And I don’t cry for yesterday. There’s an ordinary world, somehow I have to find. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world, I will learn to survive. Every world is my world. 

The last song on the playlist is as hopeful as Alice has become, having defeated the Hydra. It underscores her journey through the rest of the marshes until she lands on the shore and docks her boat. Face to face with The Wall, Alice is determined to make it to the other side somehow. She’s just defeated the Hydra - she knows there has to be a way. But it’s as she argues with a Fallen Angel that she finds herself dizzied. She falls unconscious before waking up by the Kohaku River, now also the river Lethe for a short period, and has to make a choice: Forget everything she’s just been through, seeing as the world has reverted itself and she failed in freeing the Prisoners of Dis? Or remember it all, every gory detail, and live with it, along with the renewed strength and hope it has given her?

She picks the latter easily, though she is momentarily tempted, and goes forth into her Swynlake, her new world - her new home - and tries to find Kiara, Vorpal blade still in hand, She is ready to finally really make a life here, a stable one, starting with complete honest transparency. No more fear. 

[deathofbachelor]

recent thoughts ive been having [EXXXTENDED EDITION]

-summer depression is definitely turning out to be a bigger thing for me than initially anticipated because im really #strugglin rn…. i feel weird because work hasnt started yet and im not really doing anything but lounging around my house, and im scared to skate for some reason, afraid of being bad because im out if practice…. which is scary bc i have yet to experience this feeling about skating in this great of a magnitude before, esp after skating before and literally doing fine…. another problem is that ive changed at college (in good ways i hope) but i find it stranger and thus less comfortable and thus harder to interact with my friends from hs/not college because weve all changed and im trying to figure out how to interact with people again… then also i feel like im missing out by not staying at college or doing more things towards resume building or intern or job searching so that kinda sucks when i know im literally fine….. also this could be birth control extra fucking with my hormones and depression levels, as is a side effect:/ -i have more responsibilities at work and im worried about taking those on, but im also excited -my pillows are too stiff -my most recent struggle at college which has carried itself over is my identity as a latina?? im half mexican, because both of my fathers parents are mexican, but they didnt teach my father to speak spanish so he could appear more white and not be harassed or labeled as a dirty hispanic which in turn allowed him to get where he is today…. but so growing up in a predominately white neighborhood i never understood why i was tanner than everyone else and always just felt very white, never knew any other latinas in my kind of situation, and always felt weird putting hispanic/latinx down on forms, but felt weird/angry when people told me how white i was. then coming to college and meeting more and more people that are latina/latinx but have actually grown up if not embracing, at least with their culture which put me in a weird limbo for the first real time, i didn’t feel latina enough….. its been surprisingly frustrating not being able to speak spanish OR greek (because im both and identify with both yet was raised more greek but cannot speak either language) because if ive learned one thing, no matter what people say, i feel like i will not be able to be fully embrace my latina side, even if i learned spanish, because i was not raised in a traditionally hispanic household. but ive had options to and try to hone it more now, but being back home, i just feel double weird because i dont have any other latinx people backing me up…. im just stuck in this limbo but everything is so racially charged esp online i cant relate or feel guilty when i see tweets or posts with really intricately nuanced stuff by and for the latinx community and im here like: so confused. its like when people tweet about like “lol when white people do XYZ” and then you are like, “am I the white person that does XYZ? can i like this tweet?” now imagine that feeling but just. always -i went on like. ONE date with a guy i just want to be friends with but we havent like ever spoken since -why my old unsubstantial crushes from hs gotta come crawlin out that woodwork -was this too inconvenient to scroll pass and did anyone actually read it

[caitielou-askew]

After careful preparations are made, Sans and Papyrus get their hand plates removed.

BOY that took longer than it should have. Between the insane number of edit markers I had after the first pass of editing, and my own pickiness with how this came together, I am several days later on this than I wanted to be. But here we are! The video’s up there, and here it is on Ao3 if you’d prefer to read it. Links to download the chapters as MP3s or listen on Soundcloud are in the video description on YouTube. And in case you’re lost, here’s where the series started and here’s the first chapter of this part.

Thanks yet again to @hatori1181​ for performing Gaster and Asgore, and to @zarla-s​ for making this wonderful story, and being so generous in letting us fans put in our two cents on how different timelines might go.

As I’ve said before I have a few more ideas on future events for this, but they’ll probably come out as little single-scenes and one-shots rather than big honking things like this. I’ll build up a few before recording them though, lol.

Also, there’s a lot I want to talk about with what’s going on in this chapter, but it’s best that you read or listen before reading that. So it’s under the fold to avoid spoilers. EVEN MORE SELF-INDULGENT RAMBLING AHOY!

Whaddya know, it's a "Gaster survives" timeline! Just look at this big ol' happy screwed-up family. I thought about putting in a line directly pointing out that all 3 of them were now physically scarred by all this, but I couldn't find a good place to fit it in. So I trusted the reader would put that together, lol. Of course this wasn't going to go perfectly, nothing about this situation is ideal. Papyrus's reaction to it came directly from his understated reaction to getting killed in the genocide run, which Zarla has previously discussed. (wow until I found that link just now I didn't realize I copied her use of the word blase in describing that, rofl).

I worked in as many throwbacks as I could, given this is basically additional vetting to Gaster's horrible deeds. Sans and Papyrus have been slowly sharing with Alphys (and to a lesser extent Asgore) what Gaster did to them, and Alphys has been reading Gaster's notes. The mention of the handrail was by far the latest addition to the story, even after my betas had read it and given their feedback. One of them had been a bit confused that the end was meant to establish that Gaster wasn't going to fall into the core in this timeline. And until that one comic about the core, I really had no way of setting that up without making it stupidly blatant. Now it should be a lot clearer without being clunky (I hope)

Even though the scarf was sort of the unifying element in this one (like the light motifs in Revealed), it was actually the second latest addition to the story. The first ending I wrote had Papyrus asking about Gaster's name, since "W.D. Gaster" is most likely what would have been posted outside his office door. Buuuut I couldn't think of a good origin story for his name, and the whole exchange just didn't feel right. Then I remembered Zarla's adorable sketches of kid Gaster and the hint that Papyrus finds the scarf in the lab after Gaster is erased, and it hit me. So then I had to go back into the first part and retcon it into there, haha.

Also it's kind of funny, Zarla literally just gave a few thoughts on possible "Gaster gets arrested" timelines, saying depending on how it goes it may make him MORE emotionally shut-down inside. I think in this timeline Gaster would definitely prefer that, and actually tried to make that happen in Released. But it all fell apart when Asgore blamed himself and showed mercy instead. So now he tries to be as stoic as possible when it comes to the boys, but between his dad instincts and those pesky brats' shenanigans it's just not a hurdle he can totally clear. He'll never accept forgiveness, but he also can't stop indulging in those paternal thoughts from time to time. So he's stuck in this sort of emotional limbo.

Very similar to the limbo Sans is now trapped in. Another fun thing about doing this was exploring Sans and Papyrus's characters, and showing how they come into their adult selves. They haven't met too many people in the castle at this point, but I figured the chef would have been one of the first. At first they wouldn't really know their likes and dislikes as far as food, and Asgore wouldn't want them to go hungry. So he'd just show them where the kitchens are and introduce them to the chef. Gaster never used food as a punishment, or hurt them while they were eating, so whenever he brought it Papyrus knew instinctively that he wasn’t going to hurt them just then. So naturally, Papyrus quickly became attached to both eating and making food, associating it with mercy. His tastes are still questionable though, probably a side-effect of growing up on junk food, haha.

As far as Sans, I've always loved the almost diametrically opposed ideas of him being this "final judge" the player has to answer to, but also being a sort of apathetic nihilist. In the game it was his awareness of the resets but his inability to do anything about them which (presumably) brought that apathy on. Since Sans is still pretty young here, I thought he’d still have a bit of that fire in him, especially at the beginning when they were first rescued. I think at his core Sans really does have a strong sense of justice, which is why he still shows up in that final corridor every time even though he knows it’s pointless. He knows he can't stop you, but he also knows he's the only one who can speak to you about the timelines "on your level," so to speak. So he throws himself in there to be the last voice of reason, or the last stumbling block, on your journey.

But now in this timeline, Sans is getting worn down by Gaster not getting proper retribution for his crimes. He eventually shuts up about it because he's making no progress, and taking any more drastic measures would make Papyrus unhappy. So he's also stuck in emotional limbo, unhappy with the way things are but powerless to change them. Good thing that's not going to get any worse anytime soon… Oh speaking of that, I chose Snowy for the ending music because it just sounds so bittersweet to me. It was quaint my first time playing the game, but on my second runthrough I couldn’t help but think about the monsters being trapped underground, but also Sans being aware of how they’re doubly trapped in this time loop. So while it’s pretty and nice and an overall benign area of the game (at least on pacifist), it became a bit more melancholy to me.

And PERSONALLY I think the "running around looking like a CLONE of..." line is the greatest thing I have ever written. Not gonna lie, I had the worst shit-eating grin on my face for like an hour after that line hit me. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF, GASTER. You emotionally constipated twig.

Anyway, given Gaster isn't going to disappear, that leaves the future for this story a bit more open. I have a few ideas rolling around in my head for a few more moments as they're growing up in the castle. Also some speculation on how different UT timelines would play out (including a pacifist timeline that's just...MMPH. SO GOOD). But they will all be much shorter than this, so I'll wait until I've got a few written and put them out as little one-shots. Sort of like those short story collections I keep saying I'll get back to, lol. Anyway thanks for reading! If you have questions or want to talk or speculate about stuff my ask box is always open <3 Obviously I am totally down with nerding out about this stuff, lol.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON JINX’S MAIN RAP KIM MINHEE...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Rina CURRENT AGE: 27 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 15 COMPANY: Midas SECONDARY SKILL: Variety

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): lady boss – which was given to her after her fancam went viral and she started receiving attention for her sexy persona INSPIRATION: while growing up, one of the things that brought her comfort and peace of mind was music and she learnt to love those moments and appreciate it in a very personal level. she felt she could stop thinking and just enjoy that moment on her own and that was something she took a lot joy in. when she started thinking about becoming an idol though, she learnt she could share those experiences and feelings with other people and that she didn’t have to remain alone. as for great inspirations, she looks up immensely to older groups like ses and diamant and great female soloists too, like lee hyori. SPECIAL TALENTS:

she’s a math calculator, meaning she can solve simple math problems and give back the results almost immediately;

can impersonate some characters from movies she has watched and even some variety people.

NOTABLE FACTS:

she has a younger brother who’s also an idol. they are fondly known by fans as the ‘infamous kim siblings’;

she became popular after a fancam going viral during ‘up & down’ promotions;

she’s known for being quite friendly and a good listener, someone who befriends easily;

she failed in her audition to msg. they were her first pick, but she wasn’t what they were looking for at that moment;

had to have knee surgery in 2015 during ‘I don’t need a man’ promotions. 

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

now that she’s getting more attention and becoming a more present figure in variety shows, she wants to establish her presence as someone good at it, not wanting to give off the impression she’s only appearing on tv because she became momentously popular. she’s also preparing for her debut as a solo artist, now that she has the public to do it, she wants to spread her name as much as she still can.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

once they disband, minhee wants to keep on going with her solo career in music as well as variety. although there aren’t many female examples of this in the business, she does expect to be able to change that and become rather successful in her attempt. her aim is to become someone like lee hyori who feels free to speak her mind and to open her house to complete strangers.

IDOL IMAGE

rina has so much potential and there’s so much to explore but she’s not what people look for when they hear the word ‘idol’. that cursed word brings in people the expectation of seeing someone falling into their perspectives of beauty. the pretty and tempting but at the same time innocent eyes, the slim body with beautiful legs. when she debuts, she knows she doesn’t fall into many of those categories. being talented wasn’t the first thing to pop in the minds of the public, the first thing they notice isn’t the singing or the dancing; what they see first is the package, the image, and for her, the packing given wasn’t one that would get her much attention.

in the beginning she’s overlooked. ‘she’s a good rapper’, they say, ‘for a female idol, she’s doing a decent job’, they claim. it’s like she has nothing else to offer, so she’s stuck in a little limbo where she’s popular because she’s jinx but being in jinx also outshines her own figure. she’s not a present person anywhere, not in tv shows, not in radio programs, she’s not casted in dramas and she’s not someone fit to go solo with her lack of popularity but then her lucky strike happens.

her fancam goes viral and suddenly all eyes are on her. how could they not have seen her spark before is a mystery. she’s seen with different eyes; the sex appeal, the way she’s just as charismatic as the others, how she interacts with the public, how her smile reaches her eyes, how she pays attention to every single fan and lend them an ear. all of those little things that she has been using for years and now the public are paying attention, and they liked it. they like her.

she starts attending more variety shows, starts showing herself off more. with a boost of confidence, rina becomes someone people are actually interested in seeing. she starts getting popular for her friendly looks versus on-stage persona. despite looking intimidating, she’s someone surprisingly easy to talk to and have a good laugh with. she’s witty and she’s smart and she knows which buttons she can push and how far she can go because she has been in the business for that long, she knows how it runs.

while rina is all certain about her words and actions, minhee is less sure about many things and it’s almost palpable the difference. minhee should be dealing with this better, she grew up being competitive, working her way to become the best but sometimes she gets tired and confused. how far she had to go to separate minhee from rina. until what point is she sure of the things she’s saying, of how she acts. how much of this egocentric persona did she let in her own personality? she’s scared, she was always scared, but as years go by and her work starts becoming more part of herself, she wonders until when she can manage until she loses herself completely.

IDOL HISTORY

busan was nice and neat, her life wasn’t complicated, it wasn’t chaotic. they lived their lives as they were supposed to. her mother and father were both partners in their law office, they had two beautiful children who did well at school and never gave them much of a headache. they weren’t interested in gossip or trends as long as their reputation as reliable remained untouched. they kept the same pattern for years. no scandals to stain the family’s name, no unexpected situations to throw them off the tracks. it was all peaceful. too easy. too boring.

as kids, they were angels. there wasn’t much they could do besides playing and studying and following their parents like ducklings. minhee wasn’t one to mind the quiet and stillness of everything. she was older, she learnt to be more contained, to look after her brother, to look after their apartment if her parents were away. her brother was another story. the youngest of the house, the first son, the messiest and the loudest, the one who made their mother laugh and who was taken to go fishing with their father.

as they grew up and their interests started diverging from their shared games and mutual bickering, the house wasn’t so peaceful anymore. two preteens growing up under the same roof, they were just waiting for the hurricane to come. they fought way too much, said words they shouldn’t too often, there was always a disagreement. she always loved music classes, her parents could afford that monthly expense and minhee took them with the utmost pleasure, her brother in the other hand didn’t show any interest for anything she did, almost stubbornly so, just to be contrary of her. even at school they pretended not to be related, which was stupid because everyone knew the kim siblings.

she was fifteen when she told her parents she wanted to become a singer and they were against the idea as strongly as they could. she was too young to follow something so foolish, that she shouldn’t think that because she had a couple of dancing and singing classes that she was good enough to become a professional and lastly, if she did become an idol, who’d take the family name seriously. despite the promises that she’d hit big no matter what and that she wouldn’t bring shame to them, they were unbendable. at least, until their favorite spoke up, telling them he’d do the same and take care of minhee while they were at it.

she was boiling with fury still when she auditioned, first to msg and then midas media. both are great names, both have their respective reputations and she’s excited and anxious, still angry, but she forgets that for a second when she performs. she never goes past the first stages for msg but midas keeps her on their grip. she keeps performing and keeps going ahead, until she’s finally accepted. the young girl who may not have entered because of her looks but because she knew the basics and something else. in contrast to her, there was her prodigy brother, with his perfect styled hair and killer smile that put him in without breaking a sweat.

that became her fuel. become better and work harder to surpass him even though she felt she was the only one competing. she’s so young and so naïve. she wants to impress others but she also wants to impress herself, push herself to her own limits, do what she’s told. do singing classes and rapping classes, go on diets and present dance performances, she tries it all, she wants to be perfect and wants to be the best but she’s not competing against others, she’s competing against a shadow.

three years pass and all she worked for starts to pay off.

it’s not fair to say she’s fulfilled. even now, she’s not certain if the nights she spent sleepless were worth it, if the meals she skipped gave her any positive result. even when she had a serious injury on her knee and had to go under surgery, she felt she was lacking yet the incident happened because she was overworking herself to, literally, the breaking point. she spent months not being capable of practicing, and even then, against the doctor’s orders, she went back on stage, too scared of what could come if she remained behind. she knows that after her fancam went viral, people started linking her to the image of sexy goddess, that she’s seen more often in tv shows as much as she’s allowed for a female artist.

she’s more scared than she lets out. since jinx debut she has been overlooked, not paid much attention to, even though she was, as many said, doing a decent job as a female rapper. but she wasn’t enough. she did think that. not being enough, not being good enough, debuting for the simple reason of being available. in the back of her mind, she reasoned with herself, saying it was a ridiculous statement, that midas wouldn’t be a fool to do as such and if she managed to debut, it was on her own merit, it meant she was worth of it. but then, there wasn’t much they could do or wanted to do with her after her flop in popularity made itself clear.

she was stagnant. for a long while she did the bare minimum and it showed when she went back on the stage. she was the same as the previous comeback, and then again and again until it was all but an endless cycle. it wasn’t until 2015 that she started working at full force again, since there was barely anything of her anywhere, she didn’t want to give the public the wrong reasons to speak her name. working too hard has good and bad results and that saying was proven right when ‘I don’t need a man’preparations started. she paid no mind to the discomfort at first but it wasn’t long after that when problems started showing and there was nothing else they could do besides resorting to surgery. it happened just after they finished the shootings for the MV and a couple of weeks before they started promoting, but recovery is not something that happens in a blink of eye, and for pretty much all stages of ‘I don’t need a man’, she was absent. the dread of going back to stake one was back, she felt like she had done all of this for nothing, her injury was for nothing because despite getting better and perfecting herself, there was no way she was going to show that off. that’s when her insomnia problems started to appear and the music that used to be something she used as an escape, started hunting her down.

going back to work, even though she was supposed to be resting didn’t bring any new lights or high praises, she was doing her job and things went back to normal quickly. it wasn’t until the fancam went viral that things started to work out for her and lead her somewhere that wasn’t the limbo she lived in during those six years since debut. the sudden attention came as a shock to her. suddenly she was apprehensive of doing something that wouldn’t be good to neither her’s or jinx’s reputation, of saying something wrong or looking too eager. things turned out quite alright in the end, if she disregarded the number of antis that appeared after the sudden rush of popularity.

even now things are not as bad as it used to be but still, there are issues to bother her during the night. in all those eight years since jinx debuted, she’s more unsure than ever of where their careers will take them, if she’ll have a spot if they ever came to an end or if they’ll remain relevant. most importantly, the question is if she’s finally comfortable enough to admit that her little rivalry with her brother despite helping her craft her own start of career, was childish.

[maggieminordesignssculpture-blog]

How to Fill the Void after a Breakthrough

Ever since I made the decision that I wanted a happier life I've been living in a constant cycle. It goes something like this....breakthrough....reality check (which means anything from a moment of acceptance to an ugly cry)...the void....and then fulfillment. If you're familiar with this emotional cycle than you are familiar with the dreaded void. 

What is the 'Void'?

"The Void" as I like to call it is when you've allowed all of the negative mental energy around a past event to leave your body and you feel this strong sense of emptiness... through forgiveness or acceptance. Sometimes it feels like you've had your guts ripped out but most of the time it feels like a persistent hole in your stomach. I had a huge breakthrough (epiphany) over the weekend and woke up with a 'void' that feels like part of my identity was stolen. I feel unsure and my body doesn't 100% feel like its mine. 

It all started when I asked myself a very strong question, "why am I still in this situation?" You see, I've been living in limbo since I moved to San Francisco. I've been renting a room in a house and feeling frustrated that I still haven't found my own place. I was frustrated and I felt like I had become a child again...even though I'm actually an independent and accomplished 40 year old woman.  

I now understand that I've been in limbo because I hadn't dealt with feelings of unworthiness and helplessness from when I was a child...I've been unknowingly repeating a cycle over and over in my life because my mind hadn't resolved the past....thus drawing in similar situations. 

How to Fill the Void

So now I sit here in the 'void' and man is it uncomfortable. It's so painful that I began to wonder if I should just end it all. But you know what snapped me out of it? Realizing that through my epiphany I had killed part of myself...part of my identity...and my body is grieving the loss....and this loss makes me feel unsure. It's almost like when a relative you really don't like dies but you still feel a sense of deep emptiness. They might have been a negative force in your life but they were part of your life....and now they're gone. 

So as I sit here I'm reflecting on how I've filled the void in the past....and I feel this burning need to share them with you....because I've been living this cycle for the past eight years...all the while working through some pretty serious stuff. So for those of you who are just starting this journey to happiness and feel like you've been struck in the gut by the void I'm here to share some of my wisdom. It's not perfect wisdom, but it's mine....and I hope it helps.

One: Remember it's a Cycle

When you're in the void one of the most important things is to remember that it won't last forever. It's part of a larger cycle ...and the road always leads to a more fulfilled existence....if you let go and accept it.

Where I see most people get stuck in the void is when they start to tell themselves that this feeling will never go away....and this makes this stage of the cycle last even longer. So when feelings of hopelessness pop up and you feel like ending it all or diving head first into a bucket of mint chocolate chip ice cream... remember that we're part of something larger and in nature some of the most beautiful trees grow from the ashes of a forest fire. In fact, these beautiful baby trees would never even have had a chance to grow had the fires not burned away all of the foliage that was blocking the sun. The void is right after the fire when the forest is still and it looks like nothing will ever grow there again. When you find yourself here just remember to look up at sun.

Two: Remember that Nature Abhors a Vacuum

I woke up this morning with the phrase 'nature abhors a vacuum' in my head. It just kept repeating itself as I lay there and I couldn't figure out for the life of me why until I sat down to write this blog post. You see 'voids' are always temporary. They're unnatural...literally. So your void will be filled by something....so be conscious of what is filling it. 

So when you're in the void it's extra important to check in with what you want. If you have a vision board spend some quality time in front of it....if you've written down your ideal day, go read it...and maybe even print it out and carry it around with you for a few days. And if you have neither of these things or have never even heard of them, then take about 10 minutes and write down at least 5 things that you want to accomplish in the next year that would dramatically improve your life....print it out...and read it to yourself at least 5 times over the next 30 days.

Three: Relax and Accept

The best way to stay in a situation is to resist it.....so remember when you're in the thick of 'the void' to accept it. Don't try to force your way out. Instead take a few deep breaths throughout your day and allow your body and mind to accept the emptiness. 

Four: Move your Body

At the beginning or end of your day (or both if you can), take at least 30 minutes and move your body. Take a walk down one of your favorite streets while deeply breathing in and out. Be aware of your senses as you walk. Smell in the smells. Listen to the hustle and bustle or the quiet....whatever it is about that place that makes you like it. Buy just remember to move. Our bodies and our minds are intimately connected. 'The void' is a physical state as well as a mental state of being and moving helps you to process it quicker....

If you enjoy an intense workout regime that's wonderful (I do too), but don't substitute this for a walk. Sometimes high intense workouts are all about pushing yourself....they can sometimes feel forced...so maybe for a few days do one of two things: add a walk to your day somehow or substitute a yoga class for your usual regime.

I swear... it helps a great deal.

Four: Take Action

Even after taking the above steps you're still going to feel a sense of emptiness  (especially after a huge breakthrough) and you're going to feel uncomfortable. Pay attention to what makes you uncomfortable now....especially in your physical environment. 

Is there a particular room in your home that makes you uncomfortable now? Or particular kinds of objects? These things that are bothering you are objects that emotionally resonate with your state of being or your identity before the breakthrough..the part of you that you've shed...and it's important to take pause and do one of two things:

Forgive the Objects in your Home

I know it may sound funny at first but we have strong emotional ties to the objects in our home. In many cases we pick them because they represent something to us...either who we aspire to be or who we think we should be. So when we do through a breakthrough how we see ourselves changes and therefore our relationship to the objects in our home changes too. 

So if you feel this tension, download my free worksheet - How to Forgive your Objects...and go through your home. 

or.....

Discard the Objects

If you feel a strong sense of 'doneness' .... like you can't wait to be rid of these objects that remind you of who you used to be...then put them in your car and drive them to your nearest charity shop or dumpster. I've done this many times and I've always driven away feeling ten tons lighter and more myself.

Six: Give yourself Time

Sometimes 'the void' can last for hours and sometimes it can last for weeks....so just remember to give yourself time. It takes however long it takes. Just keep going through the above exercises and know that fulfillment is on it's way.....because it is!

If you're looking for one on one support in the process of transforming your home or office to reflect the new you, I love working with people like you. Simply contact me and set up a virtual or in-person appointment. Click here to learn more about the process.

For More Inspirational Artwork and Design Ideas

Visit my modern sculpture, modern wall sculptures, abstract canvas artwork, and abstract framed wall art pages. And click on more inspirational posts...

How to Get out of a Rut...and Start a Cycle of Positivity

Why Neutral Rooms Can Make you Unhappy

How to Feel more Connected to your Home

How to Declutter for Better Relationships

How to Use Artwork to Make Eating Even More Enjoyable

How the Right Office Decor can Focus your Mindset

How Waking up to Colorful Artwork can Improve your Day

How to Create a Peaceful Brown & Turquoise Bedroom

How to Create a Sophisticated Loft Living Room with Oversized Artwork

How to Create a Colorful Loft Living Room with Vibrant Artwork

How to Create a Beautiful Modern Rustic Bedroom

How a Colorful Home can Make you Bolder

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[iskandarpanda-blog]

You.

I want you.

I want you to call me in the middle of the night crying, telling me whatever it is that would make you feel the amount of emotion needed to.

a) actually literally cry and,

b) feel the need to open up about it.

I want you to tell me you’re failing math so I get my pen and notebook and teach you the formulas.

I want to watch you while you do homework and I write some stupid poetry about the way your eyes roll.

I want to watch you

a) feel overwhelmed with school work and start to give up and,

b) realize your future is more important and read it over again, and again and,

c) start to understand.

I want to watch you start to understand in school, in life, in work, in us, I want to watch you grow.

I want to see you wake up one morning different, growth inside of you, flowers sprouting from your forehead, and all I want to do is have the chance at being able to water them.

I want to sprinkle nothing but good things like kindness, support, adventure, a shoulder to lean on and a phone number to call when you need to cry.

I find myself really hating myself for causing problems, jinxing us in ways I never wanted to. If I could figure out why I like to self sabotage so much I would never do it again, but I never notice the road I’m taking until I’m forced to look back on my mistakes- and that’s exactly what they were, mistakes, everything that led me to this moment I’m in with you.

See, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose my chance to see the person you really are, underneath the orange that just peels to another layer, underneath the snake (scorpion?) that sheds skin just to have a fresh new batch- I want my chance to know you.

I’ve felt joy sitting next to you I don’t remember feeling in a really long time, maybe ever, and I am stuck in this limbo that I want out of.

I want to be able to sit next to you, hear you talk about the classes that are changing your outlook on the way you speak to people about what you are feeling, I want to be there, in the lobby, at my house waiting, to hear about whatever it is you discovered that day.

I want to listen to you- listen to you speak, listen to you grow, listen to you start to open up. I imagine you, standing there in front of me, moving your ribs aside for a second in order to grab your heart and sticking it to your sleeve.

I imagine going to your house one day in between classes and noticing the blood-stained- T-shirt you’re wearing and the beating organ stuck with scotch tape to your wrist.

I imagine being there, because that’s all I want.

Call it another chance, call it me shedding MY own skin and opening up to show you the version of me that fucks up, that self sabotages, that scared you into wondering if I’m someone who is worth the pain of letting your caution aside.

I know words don’t show much, but I am. I am. All I want to do is show you. I close my eyes and I see your eye roll, the scars on your leg, your love for your family, the way you insult me when I’m being annoying, the way you hide your smile instead of just vocalizing your happiness.

I close my eyes and I see your busy schedule, your extremely high standards, your responsible nature and your hatred of promising me time in case I end up upset- AND I WANT IT ALL.

I want all of it. I want all of it.

I want you Sayang