southcitymillennial - Tumblr blog

[southcitymillennial]

It’s been four months since we ended.

Two months since the lake.

I got the closure I needed and I honestly haven’t looked back.

But today an album came on. And it took me back to a darker time in my marriage, but a brighter time with him.

He’s with someone else now. Someone who makes him happy but isn’t right for him. They’re using each other and all his friends think she’s toxic for him.

I don’t want to be with him, but sometimes I wish there had been one more time: hear him tell me he loved me one more time, kiss my lips, smell my head, tell me how much he wanted to be with me, tell him how I loved him too. I can still imagine being cuddled into his chest on his couch. Still remember his laugh and smile when I acted like a brat.

I think he’s the only ever person I’ve truly fallen in love with in my life, besides my husband.

He told me he didn’t get bored with me, but the pressure of our situation just became too much. He got too scared by how much we both felt, so he shut down and pushed me out. He wanted me to have a chance to be happy, and he knew that couldn’t happen with him. He said he was wrong to do it that way. I told him he could have just talked to me and I would have understood.

Now I rarely see him more than once a week. When he walks past me, he doesn’t look at me the same way... but I don’t either. It’s not weird, but it’s noticeably different. Sometimes i feel like hiding so my brain can keep working. It pauses when he walks by, even just for a second.

I’m almost over him. Like 98%.

But today it feels more like 20%.... obviously I’m still holding onto something.

But I can’t go back. I don’t think he’d ever want to anyway. But other people’s women seems to be his MO.

His girl asked me that: “are you over him? Do you still love him? Would you get back with him if he wanted that?”

I wasn’t prepared for those questions. But I told her I what I knew, what I felt. She’s the only person I openly admitted to that I was seriously thinking about leaving my marriage for him.

But I didn’t, and I’m glad.... Just not today, in this moment, listening to this album in my car.

Today I wish I was back there with him.

[southcitymillennial]

Open Up Your Eyes

I finally messaged him. I just wanted to talk to him. I knew that since he looked at me that way, made eye contact with me, that it would be okay.

He almost messaged me that day. He wouldn’t tell me what he was thinking. Just that I put him in a mood.

I remember those moods so well. We would sext while I masturbated or I would go up to his work and torture him with the shape of my body and sway of my hips. Stick my butt out while leaning over something, so it wasn’t as obvious. I loved watching him adjust himself or bite his lip or gently laugh and knowingly smile.

Here’s the sitch:

The man you had an affair with basically broke up with you, even though you pretended it was mutual.  He ignores you for two months. He finally looks at you and you know he wants you - but won’t do anything. Then he asked your husband if we would like to go to his lake house for his birthday with him and his new casual sex lady....

WHAT DO I MAKE OF THIS?

i won’t lie. It HURT at first. He talked about taking me to that lake house so many times. Escaping for a weekend: grilling, drinking cocktails, being naked, making love... just the two of us.

Now he wants me to go with my husband AND his new girl-toy? Does he just want me to show off all weekend, as his birthday present? Does he want his girl to get jealous so they have better sex? Is he using me or is this his way of finally taking me like he always wanted to, just not in the way he wanted to?

I already told my husband we’re taking the sex toys and that I want to go skinny dipping while we’re there.  I’m not sure what he wants, but I want to be prepared wherever this goes. I also asked my husband what would happen if we were walking into an orgy situation.... he doubted it and wasn’t down. Not with someone he works with, that’s weird.

But I’d let his coworker fuck me on the water front, on the deck, in a bed, on a counter, on a couch... anywhere. I miss him.

I almost told my friend about what was going on. like 75% of it anyway... I didn’t and now i’m glad i didn’t. I was having an anxiety attack about the trip and just hate that I literally can’t tell anyone that I fell in love again and had the best sex of my life for 6 months.

I mention him all the time. My husband knows I think he’s cute. I had a dream back in March that we had a three way with him. Too bad it’ll never work out... “I can’t have a devils three way. I can’t watch another man stick his dick inside you.”

Sometimes he’s boring like that. But I really do love him. He knows how to make me curl and moan.

[southcitymillennial]

Somebody Else

Yesterday I felt good. I dressed up. I did my hair and makeup. I wore a short skirt and a revealing top. Just because I felt like it, not for anyone else.

Then I went to go run my errands and there he was. NOT expecting me to show up like that. Saw me, turned around and walked away, and then checked me out from afar. I left and came back later and he COULD NOT keep his eyes off me. I knew he was watching, I didn’t show off too much because I knew that I looked good enough that I barely needed to.

Then we made eye contact for the first time in months... and I broke a little inside.

He didn’t say anything to me. He religiously watched my stories all day, within 10 minutes of when I posted them. It only bothered me a little at first.

Then today I cracked. I thought about him while I was having sex with my husband. I kept having memories from the past haunt me throughout the day. Then I drove home and just started to feel like I HAD TO cry.

It won’t come out but journaling usually helps.

He started seeing someone else. They’re casual.  She’s married but separated. He seems to have a type. If he’s so bad then why do i still want him? Why do I miss him? Why do I wish he would show up at my door right now and tell me that he still loves me? I honestly wonder if he ever loved me at all.

Some people want a piece of me, but my husband is the only one who ever wanted every single bit, nook, and cranny. So why do I crave the attention of people that don’t?

This is the first time I’ve felt emotion like this in a couple weeks, so I’m letting my body feel it. I want to flee, I want to get high and forget I feel any of this. But i know I need to process and feel these things or I’ll never be able to fully let him go one day.

Right now I’m in exile, holding all this love out here in the hall.

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same.

[southcitymillennial]

Broken Clocks.

I want to be alone.

I know I would miss my dogs if i left, but also it might be nice to not have to worry about anyone or anything besides myself.

I want to spend time figuring out who i am and what i want, on a personal level.

But instead i’ve gotten myself stuck in a situation where i’m married to someone who is codependent and more sensitive than i am. And it’s started to annoy the FUCK out of me.

He brings me down. He won’t get help. I’m tired of asking.

I know I have love for him. But it’s buried so deep underneath resentment and hurt and exasperation that it’s hard to see sometimes.

I can pretend buying a new house together will help things, but I don’t know that it will. It won’t solve everything for sure.

This must have been what he felt like over the past two years. But he didn’t stick with therapy. He for some reason hates everyone he goes to see. Fucking grow up.

I have basically a whole weekend to myself without him. He works tonight, having a boys night sleepover tonight, he works tomorrow, and he’s going off to his grandparents alone on monday.

and all I want to do is clean the house to music and organize my shit. This place is a hole and it’s driving me nuts.

He bought this house alone and equates it to all his favors so he’s been sitting here in a literal metaphor for his misery. again... GROW THE FUCK UP.

a new house and therapy won’t fix everything, but will it help.

The therapy and the sex are my two biggest issues. I should be with someone who takes care of themselves in EVERY ASPECT OF THAT PHRASE. So how long do i sit in this limbo hoping he’ll change? Is that my responsibility as a partner or is it me just so used to hurting myself that I don’t know the difference anymore? Is that what he’s been doing with me? He said I was mean to him. Then why fucking stay with me?

I think that I was more upset about being the bad guy when i left. I missed home. I missed the dogs. I missed the relationship we used to have. But relationships evolve, for better or worse. I just don’t know where this one is headed, better or worse. Sometimes i think about if he died, it would just be easier. Then i could get out without hurting him or being the bad guy again.

He made me cry about my credit cards. I have a lot of debt. I pay off what I can every month, but usually it’s the minimum.  I’m trying to dig myself out of a hole, so i downloaded a credit app. I need to get my usage down on my cards, so i asked to switch out one card for another (i asked him to hide them from me since i have a shopping problem), since the card i currently use for gas/car stuff is pretty high. He didn’t understand and got upset, saying switching out one card for another defeats the purpose. But he did it because he “didn’t want to be controlling.” He has the urges to be controlling, but he doesn’t give in.  But how long until he does? He has only ever done it when i left, and he wouldn’t let me see the dogs. He changed the locks. He wouldn’t give me a house key. He wouldn’t tell me the house code.

But that was in the past... i feel its fair that if he moves past my past, i can move past his.

But this past year was a lot of pain. Emotional Abuse that led me to do things i’m not proud of. Become a person I’m not proud of.

I want to be proud of myself. But I feel like theres a cloud hanging over me all the time. I feel bad if i don’t text him during the day, even if i have nothing to talk about. I have real guilt and unnecessary guilt. I feel like if I left and made something out of myself I would finally feel accomplished.

I never took time for myself. I left last year and was so full of so many things that I didn’t take that time to appreciate my alone time and learn about me. Other than I like walks, sometimes runs. I like working at night and waking up when I want to and eating what I want when I want.

I spent so much time trying to fit in with everyone else, I never got to know myself. And now that I am, I know I like to be alone quite a lot. Most of the time honestly.

I’m sitting here alone in my house, journaling and listening to SZA. The dogs are calm, the weather is lovely, I get to walk around my neighborhood all day. I felt good when i woke up this morning, no weed needed. For the first time in weeks.

[southcitymillennial]

I think my husband is in love of the person he thinks i am, or i was.

He told me that he didn’t understand something I was trying to explain and it sent me on a spiral.

I don’t understand what I’m going through but telling me that something doesn’t make sense when i’m so confused just makes things more confusing.

and he is being so touchy. he’s being so careful and getting offended so easily. He told me that I was mean to him but couldn’t think of an example. I genuinely want to know what I did because I don’t know what i could have done.

but as i read that back, it sounded mean. so here we are.

i hate this.

[southcitymillennial]

Baby Steps

I learned about Myers Briggs and Enneagram and finally took the tests.

I’m a 4w5 and INFP (but on the cusp of INFJ)

Reading descriptions of these personality types made me feel less alone. It made me feel truly and completely understood for maybe the first time in my entire life.

But now my self diagnoses is expanding: Stress induced Anxiety caused me to become overwhelmed and led me into a Depressive Episode, which has now led to an Identity and Existential crisis *face palm*

I feel more seen but also so lost.

I can’t believe this is how normal people feel every day. I overthink every decision and go down rabbit holes, that are just second nature at this point. Normal people have this “baseline.” I just feel things so deeply that it feels wrong to block all of that forever.

My husband told me that he’s come to terms with the fact that I might leave him once I discover who I really am. Which means that I will be the bad guy if i left, but maybe not on such devastating levels as before. I asked him why he lets himself be dragged along by someone who doesn’t even know who she is... he said its cause he loves me. When he talks to me about the way he loves me, I know that I don’t feel as strongly as he does. But does that make me a bad person? is that a reason to leave a 6 year relationship and your family ultimately on top of that? Sometimes I wish it was just me and the animals, but then i feel shitty for thinking that and just beat myself up.

I truly don’t know if i will be able to stay in this relationship.

I feel like half my heart has decided I should leave and the other half is fighting to give my marriage a chance.  So they’re just BATTLING IT OUT inside my chest every day.

[southcitymillennial]

High All the Time

I’ve gotten high every day this week.

before work, at work, after work.

It’s the only way I can get through my day without a complete emotional and mental breakdown.

I’m becoming addicted to the feeling, but the spell broke a little yesterday.

I listened to music for the first time all week, since everything was making me cry before.

It definitely changed my mood. I could feel my anxiety creeping in. So today i tried not to...but i still felt weird and anxious.

Then i went to his work. I saw where he used to check me out as i filled up my water. I saw where he stands at work every single day. I saw where he snuck me in the back to fuck me. 

I knew he was there, I saw his car. 

But ignored again. I didn’t try to get his attention.  I just walked past once or twice. Thoughts of him consume me and then my brain can’t let it go. But that’s not something you want to advertise to your ex-lover’s coworkers who don’t know who you really are...

It just makes me upset that I’m in this situation. That I have grown to be the woman sitting on this couch and can’t figure out how to change. 

I hate myself sometimes. Well most of the time i guess.

[southcitymillennial]

Crazy pt. 2

I’m starting to feel a little more normal as the day goes on.

I felt confident in my outfit, i got checked out, and it threw my sex drive up a little. I know how to show off my curves when i know i look good. I love catching someone check me out. It turns me on.

I just kept thinking “fuck him. i can be sexy and show off without him to do it for.” 

...he was just my favorite audience.

How do you tell your husband you want to have a three way or have sex with someone else watching or him watching? He’s so monogamous. I’ve brought things like that up before and he’s freaked out. So is this something that is a deal breaker? Based off my actions, maybe it should be.

[southcitymillennial]

Crazy Side of Me.

The more i get in my head about it, the more i’m convinced he has started to hang out with another girl. Not just another girl but one he works with - that we talked about how sexy she was, that we teased out an entire hypothetical three way with - And it shouldn’t matter. It really shouldn’t. 

I could be making nothings into somethings. That cooler could belong to anyone; her girlfriend could have taken those pictures; those might not be his shorts in the corner of the canoe; they might just be not showing up too many places together, being careful.

if this happens, it will be the THIRD time in my life that someone has “dumped” me for someone else. The third time I was rejected by someone I really thought I connected with.... and I will have to pretend that it doesn’t matter. I have to pretend that it doesn’t make my heart break into pieces thinking about him with someone else, especially someone i know and have to see regularly.

We texted the other night for just 20 minutes. I don’t know how not to talk to him. I wanted to tell him some of how i felt: i seriously seriously thought about it. He’s the only one who knows he exists... But he said he was having a bad night. Then he asked me why I couldn’t talk to my therapist about the anxiety and i said that one of the things causing the anxiety i couldn’t talk to her about: hinting that it had to do with him.  I don’t know if he caught it, he just said “oh ok,” which usually for him would be “ok, i understand.” I want to believe he still has feelings for me and is not as big an asshole i think he is right now.

The only thing making him an asshole, if this is the case, would be him not talking to me about it. He’s single, he’s gorgeous, he’s lonely: I should be happy if he finally found someone that he wants to date.

But instead I’m dying a little inside from the jealousy of something that may not even exist and I can’t let exist.

My husband and I just took a night off and went on an overnight trip. Almost the whole day was perfect.  

When I get high, i feel the love that I have for him. It’s not overwhelming but it’s definitely there. I see us living in a new home together that we picked out, putting away dishes in a kitchen we both love, seeing him giggling in his underwear in our hotel room 5 years from now. Happy, like I remember we used to be. 

It’s why I can’t let go. I know that I still love him,  I’m just worried I don’t love him enough. He deserves better than me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my anxiety and depression doubting that I love him, and really I actually do feel happy in my marriage... Or is it just the weed trying to mute my negative emotions?

I felt wonderful the whole trip and then we came back home and my anxiety kicked itself into gear to fill me with jealousy and confusion.

This is why I need to just actually leave social media deleted. I go down a crazy spiral and can’t get out.

[southcitymillennial]

Contaminated.

I fell in love and now it’s gone.

it’s not only gone, it’s like it never even existed.

I see him all the time. He barely looks at me, smiles at me, talks to me.

It all changed so quickly. The first day we said “i love you” in person, he told me not to be scared of saying that to him. He felt it too. He said it to me as he fucked me and as he kissed me goodbye. Then here we are, a month later and i’ve been abandoned.

He told me it’s not what he wants, but it’s the right thing to do.  He’s not wrong about it being the right thing, but it switched something in me.

Since that day, my anxiety and depression have taken over my life. I get extremely overwhelmed and then a strong emotion turns to sadness and then i’m balling uncontrollably. At work, in the car, at home, in bed, after sex, after masturbation - doesn’t matter. I feel worthless, i feel alone, i feel unwanted.

I think this is maybe the first time I truly loved someone and felt like they really saw me for who i truly was, but I didn’t realize how strongly i felt until it was gone... he helped me discover things about myself that I never even knew existed.  so maybe i’m heartbroken... or maybe its one of those “you always want what you can’t have.”

what’s worse is i have no one to talk to about it. I told no one he existed and i still can’t. I’m lying to everyone, including my therapist. 

When I see him, he pretends like everything that has happened over the past 6 months never happened. like we never became friends. like we never learned each other’s darkest secrets. like we never had sex on his couch, in his bed, at his work. Like we never told each other “i love you” and laid against each other, feeling completely at peace.

Maybe this is his coping mechanism. I understand that he’s not responsible for my emotions, but being ignored has been so triggering for me.

In our last conversation he told me that, feelings aside, this was supposed to be fun and it wasn’t fun anymore - that we both had a lot of shit to deal with, so maybe we should stop all conversation that wasn’t in person “for now.”

“you work on you, and i’ll work on me.”

Part of me thinks it’s bullshit; that he got bored with me somehow and this was his way out. But I can’t deal with the thought that he possibly got bored with me. Or should I consider that maybe he lied about everything just because I turned him on? I don’t know which is worse and it’s overwhelming: it furthers the feelings of “ I am worthless, unattractive, and alone.”

And what does that say about me that I let a man dictate how I feel about myself? The end of a relationship has never made me feel like this, not even when i left my husband a year and a half ago.

so i got dumped by the man i was having an affair with, and i’m a piece of shit for even typing this sentence into the universe.

I want to fix things with my husband.  He’s my best friend and I want us to work. But he avoids dealing with his problems more than i have ever avoided dealing with mine. He gets angry so often and he scares me. The only way he doesn’t scare me is when he doesn’t drink.. but how do you tell a brewer he can’t drink or you’ll leave? Sometimes i wonder if we really love each other or if we just can’t let go of each other. 

My sister is getting a divorce and my parents treated me like shit when i left, so honestly i think maybe i’m just afraid of being the bad guy again (in everyone’s eyes) and that’s what is stopping me from leaving. But either I have to be the bad guy (which I don’t know if it’s the right decision) or we have to work it out. 

I don’t want to leave. I want to build a life with the person i married. I want us to work. Who wouldn’t want to make their marriage work?

He has sexual issues that cause him to not last very long.  Plus he also never really masturbates. So here we are, 6 years into this relationship, and our sex lasts 10 minutes. and i hate it - not the sex itself, which is great in the moment... but i want to fully enjoy my partner and our sexual experiences together but I really just don’t most of the time. He thinks i’m beautiful and tells me how hot I am every day, it just goes in one ear and out the other.

And now i’ve made a huge mistake and all I do is compare. I used to have sex for half hour to an hour at a time and now it lasts 5 to 10 minutes. He used to tell me I was beautiful and I would actually believe everything he said. I felt beautiful, loved, and sexually desirable when he looked at me. I think that he truly saw me and loved me for me, even the things my husband considers unattractive or impossible to consider.

But i’ve made a lot of mistakes and now my mind/body is clearly telling me that I need to figure some shit out. My therapist says i’m going through a depressive episode fueled by anxiety - so that’s fun.

I want to talk to him, but he says we shouldn’t talk. he’s the only person i could even think about telling because i can’t tell anyone else about him. So how do you tell the person you loved that their rejection has pushed your anxiety over the edge and into a depressive episode, to the point that you are now excessively socially anxious and emotionally unstable? 

How do you deal with that alone and at the same time decide if you want to stay in your marriage or leave?

I wish I could just make it stop. I want all this to go away. This is one of the two times in my life i’ve seriously considered suicide. I know I can’t actually do that to myself, but I sit in my car wishing that someone would run a red light and hit me as I drive to work. It’d be easier than feeling like this everyday. I know it’s just another way of my brain avoiding making a choice, but it’s still a serious consideration to me.

My husband and I have talked about moving, but sometimes I feel like that’s just our way of trying to put a bandaid on a problem. Like how some people try to have kids to fix their marriage. We don’t want kids, so instead we talk about moving or buying a house. All of those things give me anxiety because I don’t know where the true motivation lies or if it’s what I really want.

Anyway.

This is now my journal. This is where I’ll share the thoughts I can’t share with anyone else. It sucks to be able to share half your life with your best friends and half of it stays a secret.