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mixsethaddams · 1 year ago

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Steddie fic that was originally a twitter thread. Hurt/comfort, light angst, pining Steve, happy ending, roughly 6.5k words. Enjoy!

Look. It wasn’t like Steve was jealous, ok? Envious of the situation, maybe. But not jealous of the person. He was still burnt by Nancy rejecting him for Jonathan again. That was all.

After Vecna, he’d thrown himself into caring for everyone else just like always. Visited Max every day and helped her get used to her wheelchair. Drove Lucas to see her. Drove Robin to meet Vicky. He even helped Eddie and Wayne move into their new house.

Steve liked spending time around Eddie and his uncle. It was the type of family unit he never thought actually existed. He couldn’t fathom living somewhere so cramped and not tearing each other apart. He liked being alone with Eddie in the yard for a quick smoke, too.

Steve was kind of disappointed when there was no reason to spend time with them after they were all moved in. He told himself it was just because he didn’t have much else to occupy his time once Max came back home and Robin got her driving license.

The few times Steve did catch a passing glance at Eddie after he’d pick Dustin up from a D&D session, he had to fight against the urge to come up with an excuse to stay. He just… he was sure hanging out with Eddie would help ease the loneliness that he felt. That’s all.

So when the kids suggested a party at the end of the summer before going back to school, Steve thought it would be the perfect excuse to get some quality time in Eddie’s orbit. It wasn’t like he wanted them to be best friends or anything, just closer than they were.

They were probably too different to ever really get along in any meaningful way, but still. Steve still wanted to be near him. A male friend his own age, right? Is that so bad? He hadn’t had one since Tommy. He missed the specific type of camaraderie that came with it.

Steve was delighted when Eddie sat beside him in his kitchen on the day of the party. Their elbows knocked while they spoke to each other and those around them. They laughed and whispered behind their hands at the kids. It was perfect.

Well. At least until Steve had to excuse himself to make a phone call. Only… that was a lie. Because Steve was sitting on the floor of his bathroom with tears streaming down his face and a tightness in his chest he hadn’t ever felt before.

Everything had been going so well... Until the doorbell rang and Eddie jumped up to answer it, leaving Steve halfway through a sentence. When Eddie came back, smile so wide his eyes were practically crinkled shut, he introduced the whole group to his new girlfriend.

It was easy for Steve to pass it off as a bad call with his parents when Robin came looking for him twenty minutes later. He told her he’d be fine, but had a headache now and was ducking out early. Not the first time it happened so it was easy to believe.

Steve curled up on his bed while the party wound down downstairs. He found himself simultaneously straining to hear Eddie’s voice, and flinching when he heard that unfamiliar high pitched laugh. Her laugh.

It sounded like everyone liked her. There was no awkward silences and her voice was wound right into the cracks of every conversation. Steve clamped his hands over his ears when he finally couldn’t take it anymore. He was happy for Eddie. He was!

He just missed that New Relationship phase. It wasn’t like Steve couldn’t go out and get laid any time he wanted. He could. He did. He just always ended up wishing he was hanging out with Eddie instead after leaving them back at their houses.

Steve sniffled and shook his head roughly against his pillow. He was being selfish. He knew that. His chance to have a closer friendship with Eddie was ruined by some girl. Vague memories of high school name calling wormed their way back into Steve’s brain.

It was a bitter thought, to think how much Tommy Hagan would be surprised by Eddie having a real life girlfriend and not just someone that everyone was sure he’d made up. Steve half thought about calling his old friend to crack some jokes about it, make a little fun.

It only made the hollow feeling inside him grow to think like that. He felt silly, really. Getting so upset over a person who still thought of him as a high school bully dating someone. Steve fell asleep as the sun rose, hours after everyone went home.

They went everywhere together. But that’s what couples did, wasn’t it? They spent time together. Steve just kind of wished Eddie didn’t have to bring her, Sara, along with him every time he came to Family Video.

Steve felt himself getting almost angry whenever they walked through the door, holding hands and cooing over each other. He’d find a way to busy himself to avoid dealing with them and a couple of times even point blank ignored them.

The day he caught them kissing in the store was not his finest hour. He snapped that it was the middle of a Saturday afternoon and to get the fuck out, don’t do that shit when there’s kids around. Eddie looked confused, almost hurt.

He muttered something about kissing not being illegal while he pulled Sara out of the store behind him. She was sheepishly giggling and Steve wanted to yell at her to fuck off again. People getting boyfriends or girlfriends never bothered him this much before.

Robin finally getting with Vickie never made him jealous. Dustin and Suzie, Will and Mike, none of them. He sighed and ran a hand over his face.

“What is wrong with you?” asked Robin, appearing behind him. “Since when do you throw people out for kissing?”

“I just don’t need to see it,” said Steve. He turned to grab a pile of tapes to restock.

“Are you jealous?” teased Robin.

“No,” snapped Steve, louder than he intended. Robin stood in silent shock. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I just… I miss that, I guess,”

Robin eyed him carefully.

“You miss what, exactly?” she asked. “Eddie? I didn’t know you guys were close,”

“No, not…” Steve sighed again. “I just don’t like friends ditching us for someone they barely know. That’s all,”

Robin pursed her lips.

She knew as well as Steve did that was almost the opposite of what Eddie was doing. He brought Sara along to get-togethers, and invited everyone to join them when they went to Indy for the day, or to the quarry to swim. Everyone else had welcomed her warmly.

Because she was nice. And isn’t that just the fucking worst? Steve tried his hardest to deny it to himself but she was a sweetheart. It was no wonder they all loved her. A stone settled in his stomach when he thought that Eddie might actually love her too.

No one fought back too hard against Steve when he kept skipping out on spending time with everyone. His mood lately had been enough to make them almost glad that the dark cloud wouldn’t be joining them. He preferred to sit and stew by himself anyway.

He’d hang out with Robin like normal but even she was starting to run out of ways to avoid talking about Eddie. Because people had noticed. They’d have to be blind not to. It was painfully obvious that whenever Eddie (and Sara) was mentioned, Steve soured.

Steve couldn’t even blame everyone else for finding it awkward. Eddie was their friend and they wanted to be around him. That’s all Steve wanted too! They were on the same side here! Once or twice he felt like throwing a tantrum and reminding them HE was there first.

Especially Robin and Dustin. Whenever he was feeling particularly sore about his failure of an attempt to build a closer relationship with Eddie, he wondered why they had managed to get what he wanted.

It wasn’t like there was anything wrong with him. He used to be the most popular guy in school! He had charm! It should have been so easy to get Eddie to want to be around him too. Steve often found himself wishing Eddie was next to him watching tv at home.

Just a subtle thing. He’d hear a joke on some sitcom and wonder if Eddie would find it funny. Or if the latest song on the radio would make him nod his head. Steve thought back to one of the days he helped Eddie and Wayne move into their house.

There was a song playing downstairs while they hung blinds in his room. Steve couldn’t remember the song or the tune, but he could tell you exactly which one of the freckles on Eddie’s nose were covered with tiny paint splashes. All he could remember was Eddie.

And see, Steve’s not an idiot. He knows, okay? He’s known ever since Sara turned up in his fucking kitchen and he felt like Eddie’s smile was sharp enough to slit his throat. He fought it from the start. Told himself again and again that it was nothing. It’d pass.

Throwing them out of the store was all Steve needed to admit to himself that maybe a closer friendship wasn’t all he’d been hoping for, when he lay awake at night wondering what would happen if he just drove on over there. He liked to drift to sleep thinking about it.

Robin caught on quick. She wasn’t dumb either, you see. She was able to see the way Steve’s brows turned down a split second before furrowing when the happy couple came into the store on a friday night. She never mentioned it, but Steve knew she knew.

It wasn’t until well into the winter that Steve actually saw Eddie without Sara attached to his hip. He came through the door while Steve and Robin were preparing to close up the store for the night, rapping his knuckles on the counter to get their attention.

Robin shot Steve a careful look before greeting him and asking what movie he wanted.

“Nah not tonight,” Steve heard him tell her from where he’d turned his back to rewind tapes.

“Just here for a visit?” asked Robin.

“I’m on my way to give Sara a ride home from work,”

Steve’s stomach clenched at the mention of her name.

“I’m actually here to invite you guys out somewhere, week after next one,” said Eddie. “A party, kind of,”

“Oh yeah?” asked Robin brightly. Steve knew she loved parties. “What’s the occasion?”

“Well,” said Eddie with a long breath. “Sara’s got some family up in Michigan, and her cousin offered her a job running the place she owns,” Steve had stopped moving. Please. Please no. “And it’s too good to turn down soooo,”

Eddie cleared his throat.

“I’m throwing a going away party,” finished Eddie.

“For Sara?” said Robin. “Oh that’s so sweet,”

Steve could tell Robin was still a half step behind. He squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could. Please, not this….

Eddie let out a small laugh, he sounded almost nervous.

“Actually, uh,” Eddie drummed his fingertips on the counter. “For both of us,” Steve opened his eyes and felt his breath shorten as Eddie continued. “I’m going with her,”

Steve, back still turned, gripped the vhs case in his hand so hard he could feel the edges about to crack.

“Wait, you’re…” Robin stuttered. “What?”

“I’m going with her,” repeated Eddie. “To Michigan. She asked me to come last weekend,”

“She says there’s some metal bars I can try find work in,” explained Eddie. Steve could hear the edge of excitement in his voice. “And maybe I’ll join a new band up there too, who knows,”

“Your band!” exclaimed Robin. “Oh god, what are they going to do without you?”

“They’ll figure it out,” said Eddie. Steve could practically hear him shrugging. “Better off without my reputation holding them back anyway,”

Steve focused on keeping his breathing steady. He picked up another tape, hoping his shaking hands weren’t too obvious.

“This is…” Robin started. “Eddie are you sure about this?”

“What?” he asked. “Yeah! I mean this is the fresh start I wanted and Saras great. All I can think about is how she wants me there, no-one wants me anywhere,”

Steve held back the scoff that built in his throat

“And I’m happy for you,” said Robin. “We all are-" She reached back and placed a hand on Steve’s back, which he subtly shook by moving sideways. “-but isn’t this a little, I don’t know, soon? You’ve only been together a couple months,”

Eddie was quiet for a beat.

“This is something I’ve dreamed about, this chance,” said Eddie flatly. “New life, great girl. Whats your issue?”

“Eddie its not that easy to-“

“Buckley?” Eddie cut her off quickly. “Either be supportive or don’t okay? I already got this lecture from Wayne”

“I just-“

“I really don’t need to hear it from anyone else” said Eddie. “Am I putting your name on the guestlist or not?”

Robin sighed.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be there,” she said. “Vickie too,”

“Great!” said Eddie, instantly brighter, a sharp edge to it now. “Harrington? You too?”

Steve spoke over his shoulder.

“Working that night,” he said simply. “Can’t,”

“Seriously?” said Eddie. “You don’t even know what night it’s on!"

“Yeah well,” said Steve, finally turning around to look Eddie in the eye. “It’s probably a safe bet so, count me out,”

“I don’t get you, man,” mumbled Eddie, looking him up and down. Steve shrugged and turned his head to watch the lone customer browsing through the aisles.

“Enjoy the party,” said Steve simply.

“Whatever,” said Eddie, pushing off the counter and going out the door.

“Steve…” said Robin gently.

“Don’t.” He warned.

“Are you really not going?” she asked.

“I can’t watch that,” he told her. The customer waved him over. Before he went to them, he looked to Robin again. “Don’t try to make me,” he said.

She just nodded.

Steve stuck to his word and didn’t go to the party. He had started to get angry about everything, truth be told. He felt a flare in his stomach when he thought about why he had to fall for someone who not only didn’t like him back, but was leaving the state too.

It didn’t seem fair. All Steve wanted in life was someone to love, but everytime he tried to open himself up to it, he got knocked back. He browsed a magazine in the gas station that gave the advice “get over them by getting under someone else” in large bold letters.

So thats what he’d been doing. Steve had called up every girl he knew with a pretty smile and spent every single night, getting over Eddie. It was easy to lie to himself and pretend it was working.

Whenever any of the kids came by the store to rent a movie, Steve pretended to be busier than he was to avoid them. They all had stories about Eddie, reminiscing about good times and getting sad in the run up to his leaving date. Steve didn’t need to hear it.

One night, a quiet Saturday right before closing, Steve counted to 10 and asked Robin how the party went. Her smile was tight.

“It was fun,” she said gently.

“And…” Steve took a deep breath. “Eddie had a good time?”

Robin’s eyes were soft.

“He did,” she told Steve. “Sara bought him a new guitar, as a surprise,”

Steve swallowed hard and looked away. The flare of anger tried to brush through his ribcage again. Instead it felt weak, too drowned out by the heavy feeling behind his eyes.

“Does he love her?”

Robin chewed the inside of her cheek as she considered Steve’s question.

“He’s following her to another state,” she said after a moment. “That must mean something,”

Steve nodded.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Guess it does,”

"Come on, it'll be fun, it's only for two nights and it'll take your mind off everything,"

Robin was trying to convince Steve to join the other older members of the party for a weekend in some cabins in a national park in Tennessee.

Argyle's family owned them and, as a Thank You for welcoming him into their little group, had promised them free use of them whenever they wanted. Nancy would be going overseas to study for six months after New Years, so it was a kind of send off for her.

It was well into December now though, and Steve didn't feel like freezing his balls off alone in a cabin. He hadn't seen Eddie's van around for a little while, but there had been a small ad in the classifieds from Sara's family wishing her luck with her new life.

That was really all Steve needed to tell him that they were gone. Eddie was gone. A few days of peace and quiet wouldn't be the worst thing to clear his head. Well. That, and Argyle's guaranteed van full of weed.

As if to read his mind, Robin spoke up again.

"They're got these huge wood fires in the cabins, and me and you will have a whole one to ourselves," she said. "And no kids! We can have some drinks and just relax. Please, Steve?"

Steve eyed her carefully.

"I don't know, Rob," said Steve, sighing. "Argyle will have tons of room in his van for you, and he'll bunk with you if you don't want to be alone,"

"But! But!" Her eyes were wide.

Steve smirked.

"Tell me the truth and I'll say yes," he said, teasing.

"What?" she tried hard to look confused, bless her.

"Tell me that this has nothing to do with wanting to comfort Nancy," dared Steve, the corner of his mouth quirking up.

Robin balked.

"Thats...! That's not...!" she stammered.

Nancy and Jon's break up had been kept quiet. None of the kids knew yet. They agreed that another stint of long distance would be too much for them, so they parted ways. It was clean, easy. It made Steve sad in his own way.

Robin and Vickie's breakup was less easy. She decided that Steve and Robin's friendship was something she couldn't be comfortable with. Robin had no choice but to understand, and Vickie had no choice but to walk away when Robin chose Steve over her.

Steve laughed.

"It's okay, Rob," said Steve. "I just don't get why you need me there for it,"

Robin finally gave up the act.

"So you can be my getaway driver if it doesn't go well," she said like it was obvious.

Steve laughed again.

"Alright fine," said Steve. "But...even if it goes well, she's still leaving,"

"I know," sighed Robin. "I just... I just feel like I have to try, you know? I don't want to be too late," Steve wished he could be so optimistic. Even a day apart would kill him, nevermind six months.

"Is that crazy?" asked Robin. "To want to do this and then wait for her?"

"No," mused Steve. "Just don't hop on a plane and follow her. That would be crazy,"

Robin laughed. "Well if Eddie is following Sara-"

Her eyes went wide. Robin clamped a hand over her mouth as Steve's chest constricted.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

Steve held his hand up.

"It's fine," he lied. "When's the trip again? Gotta get gas, and food, you know?"

"Steve I-"

"When, Rob?"

Steve's stomach was lurching violently, caught off guard by the mention of his name. And hers. He rubbed the back of his hand over his forehead.

"Um, this weekend," said Robin quietly. "We'll need to leave Friday morning,"

"Ok," nodded Steve. "I'll be there,"

The drive was better than Steve expected. Robin was a good passenger. She could read a map and always had the snacks ready to hand him. Steve had never been to this part of Tennessee before, so he was happy when Robin directed him onto the final dirt trail.

Robin spotted it before he did, parked right between two of the three cabins.

"Oh," she gasped. "Steve, I...I didn't know, I swear, you have to believe me,"

"What?" mumbled Steve, looking at her before following her gaze.

Steve took a second before he realised what he was looking at.

"I didn't know," Robin repeated quietly.

Steve gripped the steering wheel hard. There was no mistaking it. Right there, loud and proud.

Eddie's van.

Steve slid out of the driver’s seat carefully. Argyle came towards them with wide arms and a wider smile.

“Welcome, Brochaco and Brochacette!” he said brightly. “Who wants to learn all about the wonders of the safe keeping of your woodland abode?”

Robin stepped forward and Argyle directed her to the middle cabin. Steve was glad, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to focus. His eyes were already darting around, trying to spot Eddie. Hoping he didn’t see Sara instead. Nancy ran towards him.

“Steve!” She yelled happily.

“I’m glad you came,” she said, hugging him.

Steve almost didn’t hear her. Over her shoulder he saw him. Sitting on a low camping chair around a small firepit, chatting quietly with Jonathan, was Eddie.

“Come say hi!” She pulled him by the arm towards the others.

Steve rapidly counted the chairs around the fire. Six. If anyone had brought a…plus one…there’d be seven. Or maybe they hadn’t expected Steve to join and the empty chair next to Eddie did have an owner?

“Hey man,” said Jonathan. “Sit, fire’s great,”

Steve considered the chairs again. Eddie hadn’t even looked up to great him, instead keeping his gaze on the fire. Nancy wandered towards the cooler to unearth a bottle of white wine, while Jonathan left in search of a lighter.

“She’s not here, just sit down,” said Eddie cooly.

Steve looked at Eddie with wide eyes. He still wasn’t looking up, but his jaw was set and his hand gripped the neck of his beer bottle tightly. Steve sat down in the chair next to Eddie feeling like a scolded pupil.

“How, uh,” started Steve. “How come?”

Eddie puffed a sarcastic laugh into his bottle as he raised it for a swig.

“You don’t care,” he said.

Steve couldn’t defend himself. Eddie was right, he didn’t care. Robin and Argyle returned, all knowledge of safely lighting the indoor stove passed on.

“Glad you’re here, my guy,” said Argyle, sitting down and leaning over to fist bump Steve. “Figured you might like a chance to be with the whole gang again, now that the Ed Man swung back for a visit,”

“Yeah, this is great,” said Steve, only mildly grinding his teeth.

Steve knew the chill down his spine had nothing to do with the chill of the late afternoon. He was trembling in Eddie’s presence, with half a mind to just jump in his car and peel out of there. Robin would understand, he was sure of it.

Truly, Steve didn’t know if he was happy or sad to see him. His stomach churned everytime Eddie spoke in conversation, as everyone’s voice got louder as the day grew darker and the beers flowed faster. At the same time, he could barely turn his head to look at him.

It was like he didn’t feel like he had permission to look at him. He belonged to someone else and Steve had made himself clear; he wanted nothing to do with it. The night was cool around them when groups broke off.

Nancy and Robin where huddled together, having pulled their chairs close and covered themselves with a blanket. Jon and Argyle where leaning back and looking at the stars, softly speaking through private smiles. Eddie and Steve were quiet.

Steve had picked the label entirely off his bottle and rubbed the remaining glue until it was smooth. Once or twice he thought he heard Eddie inhale in a way that would signal the start of a sentence, but nothing ever came. Eventually, Steve got up and walked away

He didn’t go far, just around the back of the cabins. It was lit nicely by the moon and he could see into the woodland around them. It was peaceful, and he felt his chest loosen slightly now that he was further away from Eddie.

Steve took a cigarette out of his pocket and fumbled for a lighter before realising he didn’t have one. Sighing, he leaned down on the fence and watched the darkness between the trees. He knew it should scare him.

After everything they’ve been through, a still and perfect blackness should make his skin twitch, but he just felt a sort of comfort in it. Steve watched a small mouse scurry between some fallen leaves, and wondered if it had somewhere warm nearby to sleep.

A crack of a twig behind him made Steve jump. He turned quickly to see Eddie rounding the corner of the cabin.

“Sorry,” he said flatly. “I’ll find somewhere else,”

“Wait,” said Steve. “You stay, I need to find a lighter anyway,” He waved his unlit cigarette.

Eddie rolled his eyes and approached Steve, lighting his own smoke before handing the lighter to him.

“Thanks,” said Steve, lifting it to his lips. He felt like his chest was about to wring itself inside out with how hard it was squeezing.

Eddie leaned on the fence next to Steve.

“What are you doing here?” asked Eddie after a while.

“Oh, uh?” said Steve. “Just wanted some time alone I guess?”

“Not here,” said Eddie, clicking his tongue. “Here, like, the cabins. You haven’t come anywhere for months,”

Steve swallowed. He didn’t want to say ‘I didn’t think you’d be here’. That would just be rude.

“Robin…” he said. “She asked me to come,”

Eddie hummed.

“How about you?” asked Steve. “I thought you were in Michigan,”

Eddie smoked quietly.

“I was,” he agreed.

“When are you... going back?” asked Steve in spite of himself. He should have been overjoyed to finally have some one on one time with Eddie after pining for it for so long, but he couldn’t let himself enjoy it, knowing it wouldn’t last.

Eddie didn’t answer. Steve took a nervous drag of him smoke and tried something different.

“Will Wayne go see you up there, do you think?” he asked. Eddie rolled his head around on his shoulder.

“No Steve,” he said almost matter-of-factly. “I don’t think he will,”

“Oh,” said Steve. “How, uh, how come?”

Eddie took a deep breath.

“No use going up there if…” Eddie hesitated. “If I’m not there,”

Steve’s brow furrowed.

“What?” He asked. “Why wouldn’t you be there?”

Eddie chewed the inside of his cheek.

“Changed my mind, I guess,” he said with a soft shrug.

Steve was confused.

“I don’t…” he said. “I don’t understand?”

“Me neither,” said Eddie, softening slightly. “Haven’t even told anyone else yet. I drove us up there and I just…” Eddie cleared his throat. “Drove right on back,”

Steve could feel his eyebrows touch at this point.

“But… you were so excited,” said Steve. “It was your fresh start. What…what happened? What do mean you drove back?” asked Steve.

Eddie breathed out heavily.

“It didn’t feel right,” he said. “I think I realised it right after we hit the highway. I was too caught up in it to see that it just wasn’t…right,”

Steve was quiet.

“I got lost in the idea that, I don’t know,” Eddie waved his hand around. “Someone wanted me, and I just kind of went with the flow. Didn’t matter where it was taking me,”

“But, you wanted to leave, right?” asked Steve.

Eddie shrugged again.

“Thought I did,” said Eddie. “But then all I could think about was Wayne being alone and I…wanted to be back in the trailer with him. I wanted Hawkins,”

“So…You’re doing long distance, then?” asked Steve.

Eddie hummed again, pulling a final drag from his smoke.

“Like I said,” said Eddie quietly. “I was too caught up in feeling wanted,”

“Oh…” said Steve. He wanted to comfort Eddie but wasn’t sure how. He didn’t want Eddie to be unhappy and it did sound like he’d had to make a tough decision, with tougher consequences.

“So you’re back in Hawkins again for good?” asked Steve. He didn’t know if he could handle seeing him everywhere again.

“Yeah,” snorted Eddie. “Back again,”

Steve held the burnt filter of his own smoke in his hand.

“Back in a town I have some fucking stupid attachment to,” continued Eddie. “Half the folks still think I’m a killer but hey, here I am,” Eddie let out a tight laugh. “Who wants me now?” asked Eddie into the darkness, offering the rhetorical question to the night.

Steve knew it wasn’t a question that needed an answer. Really, he did. But when Eddie dropped his hand back onto the fence, it was barely an inch away from his. Steve could practically feel Eddie’s body heat coming from it. His breathing got tight.

Steve stared at their hands, so close. Eddie’s words rang in his ears. I want you, he thought. I want you! Steve slowly shifted his hand to the side of his little fingers brushed Eddie’s. Eddie looked down when he felt it. Steve held his breath.

Steve lifted his little finger to rub to softly against Eddie’s.

“Oh…” Eddie whispered.

“Yeah…” Steve whispered back.

Argyle’s voice cut through the night.

“Steve? Eddie? Where are you? Did a bear get you guys? Do they have bears in this state?”

“Shit” muttered Eddie, pulling his hand away like he’d been burnt. He dropped his spent cigarette to the ground and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I…fuck,” he said under his breath.

He didn’t look at Steve as he walked quickly back to the main clearing.

Steve bent forward slightly and rubbed his hands over his face. He felt like such an idiot. What the hell did he expect would happen? What the fuck was he thinking?

Steve stayed behind the cabins a while longer until Argyle’s voice called to him again. He dried his face as best he could, hoping the darkness would hide what he couldn’t. He came back to the fire and assured Argyle he really didn’t have to fight any bears

Steve smiled at how relieved he and Jonathan seemed. Eddie was staring dead into the fire, the fingertips of one hand drumming over his mouth. Steve could barely look at him. He felt so stupid. Steve leaned down and kissed the top of Robin’s head.

“I’m heading to bed,” he told her quietly.

“Huh?” she asked, barely turning away from Nancy. “Oh, yeah, I’ll be in soon too,”

“Sure you will,” Steve teased with a wink.

He announced his departure to the others and got raised bottles from Jon and Argyle.

Eddie didn’t react. Steve didn’t expect him too. He retreated to his cabin, immediately crossing his arms against the cold when he entered. He stood in front of the large stove fire for a second and debated calling Robin in to light it for him.

After a few minutes of thought Steve decided to just brave the cold. He had a hoodie and long sweats he could wear in bed. He’d be fine, and there were enough blankets on the bed to heat him up quickly. Steve slipped into bed and huddled around himself.

Part of him wished he was in more of a mood to appreciate the beautiful bedroom he was in. Lots of plaid and carved furniture, exactly the type of place his parents would insist was dirty and filled with bugs. Steve knew he’d love it though, if he had the chance to.

It wasn’t so a much a decision of if he would drive home early by himself tomorrow, more so when. Robin clearly didn’t need a getaway driver and after that stunt he pulled with Eddie, Steve wasn’t sure how welcome he’d feel come sunrise.

Steve didn’t even know if Eddie would tell anyone. It’s not like the group would care that they were both men, but admitting a crush, or more than a crush, however subtly right after learning about a breakup? Robin was sweet enough to pull it off. Steve, maybe not.

At the very least, it felt like some sort of ending. Eddie’s reaction had been a definite Full Stop to any idea Steve might have had about his feelings being returned. He wasn’t sure he ever even thought they would be. He just couldn’t hold it back any longer.

Steve tried to convince himself that this was a good thing. That now he had to move on. He had no choice, especially if Eddie was back in Hawkins. He couldn’t avoid him forever, their paths would have to cross eventually. Steve wished they wouldn’t.

Steve buried his face in his pillow and pulled the blankets up over his head, closing his eyes. He’d have plenty of time to dissect everything all over again in his own head in the morning. If he was making the drive back again so soon, he needed some sleep.

Steve had just managed to coax himself into something close to sleep when he heard the front door of the cabin creak open. So Robin did come back, he thought. Maybe she’d be driving back with him after all. He followed her footsteps across the living area.

The sounds of shoes being kicked off and the stove being lit were welcome to his ears. The stairs squeaked, and the floor outside his room, before he heard his door open and feet shuffling across the floor. He pretended to be asleep as the bed behind him dipped.

Steve loved her, he did, but he couldn’t listen to her go on and on about Nancy right now, whether good or bad. They’d talk in the car tomorrow. The blankets rustled and pillows were shifted, before he heard a deep breath being taken.

“Steve?”

Steve’s eyes shot open. His own breath stalled in his chest, because it only now that he realised. That wasn’t Robin.

“Are you awake?” Eddie asked softly.

Steve barely allowed himself to breathe as he turned over in the bed. The room was dark, barely lit by the moon outside, but the outline of Eddie’s features was still unmistakable.

“Hey,” Steve said quietly, afraid if he spoke too loudly he might wake himself from whatever dream he was in.

“Hey,” Eddie whispered back. His expression was almost one of confusion or gentle uncertainty.

“It’s cold in here,” said Eddie when Steve didn't answer. “Lit the stove for you,”

“Thanks,” replied Steve dumbly.

Eddie hummed. His eyes landed on Steve’s hand, resting palm up on the bottom edge of the pillow.

Eddie slowly moved his own hand so his fingertips rested lightly in Steve’s palm.

“Oh,” Steve breathed. His heart thumped so hard he was sure Eddie must be able to hear it.

“Yeah…” said Eddie, just as softly.

“What-” Steve began, before Eddie cut him off.

“Can we wait?” he asked.

“Wait?” asked Steve. “What do you mean?”

Eddie sighed.

“Can we wait until tomorrow to talk about it?” he said. “Can tonight just be…this?”

He gently ran his fingertips over Steve’s palm again

Steve nodded, giving a little ‘uh huh’ sound. Eddie gave him a sweet smile in return, still looking at their hands. They stayed like that for a while, Steve watching Eddie like he thought he was going to disappear while Eddie tapped his fingers soundlessly.

“You scare me, Steve,” said Eddie. Steve almost didn’t hear him, too caught up in watching how the movement of the moon highlighted the different lines of his face to hear the whisper.

“I do?” asked Steve. “Is that…good?”

Eddie shrugged.

“I think so. Stuff like this is supposed to scare you, I think,” said Eddie. “It’s supposed to feel….” Eddie took a breath and Steve watched his eyes move around as he searched for the words.

Steve thought he might wait forever for him to find them.

“It’s supposed to feel like a leap, right?” asked Eddie. “Like you need to trust your gut. It’s not supposed to be easy right away. You have to…want to earn it, I guess”

“And that’s how you feel?” Steve asked him, full of hope. “About me?”

Eddie took a deep breath.

“Yeah,” said Eddie simply. “When you…Outside, earlier, it was like…I don’t know, like an electric shock. But a good one. One I’d never felt before,”

Steve swallowed hard when Eddie took a pause.

“I didn’t know what was wrong with…Sara, that whole thing,” continued Eddie. “Why I wasn’t able to go be with her. But then, I felt that shock from you and I knew. Right away, it was like I just knew what I was missing,”

Steve took a shaky breath.

“I’m scared too,” Steve admitted. “Mostly that I’m dreaming, but, yeah, I’m….me too,”

Eddie laughed quietly at him, before sliding his fingers up to lace loosely with Steve’s.

“You’re not dreaming,” he whispered, squeezing his hand ever so gently.

“So you’ll still be here in the morning?” asked Steve. “When I wake up?”

He felt small suddenly, the vulnerability creeping up his spine again.

“Pinky swear,” said Eddie, shifting his hand again to hook their little fingers together.

Steve smiled.

“We’ll talk in the morning,” said Eddie again in a whisper. “Get some sleep,”

“Okay,” Steve whispered back.

Eddie shuffled an inch closer until their knees knocked together, and Steve felt his breath on their still joined hands.

Eddie smiled at Steve once more before closing his eyes and settling into the pillow. Steve settled too, the warmth of the stove fire finally reaching the room and leeching into the blankets around them. Eddie’s breathing evened out quickly, his lips slightly parted.

Steve hardly dared close his own eyes, afraid that if he blinked too hard Eddie would be gone. But the feeling of their lingering promise, their fingers still curled around each other, kept him grounded. Steve let sleep take him slowly.

The last thought before Steve drifted off was of everything he wanted to say to Eddie in the morning, all the promises he wanted to make. It felt like a beginning now, instead of an ending. Steve fell asleep feeling, in the very best way, absolutely terrified.

#steddie #steve harington #eddie munson #steve x eddie #fluff #pining #getting together #poor steve harrington I really do torture that boy sometimes #seth writes #steve str #eddie stranger things #steve stranger things #steddie fic

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marie-swriting · 1 year ago

Text

Vous Retrouver - Eddie Munson

Superache Masterlist

Stranger Things Masterlist

Résumé : Tu es de retour à Hawkins après avoir passé plusieurs mois loin de ton petit ami, Eddie à cause de l'Université.

Warnings : angst, fin triste, sous-entendus sexuels, mention de parent alcoolique, dites-moi si j'en ai loupés d'autres.

Nombre de mots : 4.6k

Version anglaise

Chanson qui m'a inspiré : Astronomy by Conan Gray

Tu quittes le car et va récupérer ton sac dans la soute. Tes affaires en main, tu parcours le parking des yeux, cherchant le van d’Eddie. Tu n’es pas rentrée chez toi depuis les vacances de Noël et tu es actuellement en vacances de printemps, pas une fois pendant ce moment loin de l’autre vous avez eu l’occasion de vous revoir. Tu es nerveuse à l’idée de le retrouver, tu dois l’avouer. Vous n’aviez jamais passé autant de temps séparés auparavant.

Avant de partir pour la fac de New York, tu avais des doutes sur votre relation. Tu pensais qu’il serait préférable de redevenir de simples amis, mais il t’a convaincu en t’affirmant que la distance amenait l’affection alors tu as accepté de rester avec lui.

Les premières semaines, tu pensais sincèrement que ça allait fonctionner. Après tout, même si vous ne pouviez pas vous voir autant, vous pouviez toujours vous appeler. Eddie avait également réussi à venir te voir quelques week-ends, malheureusement, le car est trop cher. Alors vous avez convenu que c’était mieux de rester au téléphone. Ça avait marché jusqu’à ce que les révisions en aient décidé autrement.

Vous n’avez pas pu vous contacter depuis un moment et maintenant, tu ne peux plus le nier, l’université et la distance commencent à affecter votre relation. Toutefois, tu as un léger espoir que tout s’arrange pendant tes vacances. En effet, en revenant pour Noël, votre relation était redevenue comme avant au bout d’un moment. Jusqu’à ce que tu partes à nouveau - mais tu ne veux pas repenser à ce détail.

Tu continues à chercher le van d’Eddie quand tu entends quelqu’un courir vers toi. Sans que tu puisses réagir, tu sens des bras entourés ton corps. La simple odeur de cologne t’aide à comprendre qu’il s’agit d’Eddie. Tu n’attends pas et le serres contre toi, poussant un soupir, apaisée de sentir son corps. Soudainement, il te lève du sol avant de te faire tourner. Tu ris en le voyant en faire trop, comme d’habitude. Quand il te repose, il n’attend pas avant de se pencher et de t’embrasser. Ses lèvres t’avaient manqué encore plus que tu l’imaginais. Vos lèvres bougent doucement pendant plusieurs secondes. Quand vous vous séparez, Eddie te regarde avec tendresse, un grand sourire au visage.

-J’attendais ça depuis la seconde où tu es partie.

-Tu m’as tellement manqué.

-Je suis si heureux que tu sois là, dit-il en caressant ta joue. Tu dois être fatiguée par la route en car, malheureusement, on a encore de la route avant d’arriver à Hawkins.

Eddie prend ton sac dans sa main gauche et saisit la tienne avec sa main de libre. Vous marchez jusqu’à son van et tu t’installes à la place passager pendant qu’il met tes affaires à l’arrière. Quand il te rejoint, Eddie démarre la voiture et commence à rouler en direction votre ville natale. En sortant du parking, Eddie allume le lecteur de cassettes et Oh! Darling des Beatles remplit l'habitacle. En un mouvement de tête, tu le regardes avec de grands yeux.

-Est-ce que j’ai enfin réussi à te convertir aux Beatles ? Tu as enfin acheté une de leurs cassettes ?

-Pas du tout. Je voulais te faire plaisir alors je suis passé chez toi en chercher une avant de venir, se défend-il mais tu vois clair dans son jeu.

-Je n’ai pas cette cassette.

-Bon d’accord, je l’ai achetée, confesse Eddie après une seconde. Mais c’est juste parce que j’avais besoin d’avoir ta présence pendant que tu étais à la fac.

-On qu’à dire ça, rigoles-tu.

-Par contre, je suis vraiment passé chez toi. Ta mère m’a dit qu’elle travaillait ce soir donc, tu peux rester chez moi.

-Parfait.

Tu augmentes le volume et commences à chantonner les paroles. Eddie pose une main sur ta cuisse, content d’enfin te retrouver physiquement.

Sur la route, vous parlez de ce qui est arrivé dans vos vies. En temps normal, vous êtes plutôt à jour sur la vie de l’autre, mais ces dernières semaines, ça a été plus compliqué. Eddie te parle de sa dernière campagne et de sa dernière note en mathématiques. Pendant que tu l’écoutes parler, tu te rends compte que tu as manqué pas mal de choses. Tu tentes de te rassurer en te disant que c’est normal, vous avez seulement besoin de vous retrouver, ce n’est rien de grave. Cependant, plus le trajet dure, plus tu as cette impression que tu dois réapprendre à connaître Eddie.

Quand vous arrivez à Hawkins, vous passez d’abord dans les quartiers riches. Malgré toi, tu regardes les maisons et tu ne peux t’empêcher de t’imaginer un jour vivant dans l’une d’entre elles. Même si tu es contente d’avoir le toit de ton bungalow sur la tête, tu ne dirais pas non à une maison, aussi petite soit-elle.

-Du nouveau dans le quartier ? questionnes-tu.

-C’est Hawkins, il y a jamais grand chose qui se passe. Mais je suis désolé de t’annoncer qu’on nous a volé notre maison.

“Votre maison” est un domicile se situant à la fin d’un des quartiers riches. Les propriétaires ne restent jamais longtemps donc vous l’avez souvent vu en vente. Un soir quand vous aviez dix ans, vous aviez décrété qu’elle serait votre maison quand vous seriez grand.

-Ils n’ont pas osé ! t’exclames-tu, la main sur ton cœur.

-Oh si ! Une famille avec un gosse de cinq ans, un vrai petit morveux. Mais bon, on a encore un espoir. Le jour où on aura enfin l’argent, ils auront peut-être déménagé. Enfin, si on arrive à être considéré comme des gens respectables pour vivre dans ce quartier respectable, déclare Eddie en prenant un faux air snob.

-Je crois qu’on a plus de chance de devenir milliardaires.

-On arrivera à avoir cette maison. N’oublie pas, Corroded Coffin va décoller et toi, tu deviendras une grande actrice. On sera le couple iconique et on deviendra trop bien pour cette ville. Tu verras, affirme-t-il avec un grand sourire.

-Je suis sûre que tu y arriveras, tu as un vrai talent. Quant à moi, eh bien, je pense que j’ai plus de chance de devenir serveuse professionnelle qu’actrice. Je n’arrive pas à dépasser la première audition, avoues-tu avec une moue triste.

-J’ai confiance en toi, tu vas réussir. Le rôle parfait t’attend. Quand tu seras célèbre, tous ces directeurs de casting regretteront le moment où ils n’ont pas su reconnaître ta valeur.

-Et pour toi, les gens du lycée n’arrêteront pas de dire qu’ils étaient avec toi, la superstar Eddie Munson et tu pourras leur faire le plus beau doigt d’honneur en disant qu’ils étaient des connards.

-Oh, je vais totalement faire ça ! te confirme Eddie, te faisant rire.

Vous continuez à parler de votre potentiel futur de célébrités jusqu’à ce que vous arriviez au parc à roulottes d’Hawkins en fin de journée. Avant d’aller dans le bungalow des Munson, vous passez chez toi pour poser ton sac dans ta petite chambre. Tu ne prends pas d’affaires, ayant tout ce dont tu as besoin chez lui et s’il te manque quelque chose, tu as juste à aller dans le bungalow d’en face.

Ce soir-là, vous passez votre soirée à regarder des films tout en discutant - vous passez également pas mal de temps à vous embrasser. Tu es contente de retrouver Eddie après tout ce temps. Tu ressens encore cette sensation désagréable que les choses ont changé, mais ce soir à l'air d’être un bon début vers un retour à la normale.

Toutefois, il va vous falloir un peu de temps.

Autrefois, tu pouvais t’endormir en un instant pourvu que tu avais les bras d’Eddie autour de ta taille. Maintenant, tu as les yeux grand ouverts alors que tu n’arrêtes pas de réfléchir. Eddie, contrairement à toi, dort comme un loir. Il change de position dans le lit, son bras quittant ton corps. Normalement, il aurait tout de suite réalisé ce manque de contact et t’aurait cherché tout en dormant, mais pas cette nuit. Il continue de dormir paisiblement, de légers ronflements quittant ses lèvres. Ça peut paraître insignifiant, mais pour toi, c’est un autre signe. Eddie est quelqu’un de tactile, endormi ou non. Tu n’aimes pas voir qu’il s’est habitué à ton absence au point qu’il peut dormir sans te sentir près de lui.

À cette pensée, tu te trouves ridicule. Tu ne vas pas remettre toute votre relation en question juste parce qu’il n’est pas contre toi quand il dort tout de même ? Tu secoues la tête avant de rapprocher ton corps d’Eddie et de poser ta tête contre sa nuque. Tout retournera à la normale. Il le faut.

Les jours suivants, vous arrivez à vous retrouver un peu plus.

Alors que vous devriez vous avancer dans vos devoirs, tu es à califourchon sur Eddie pendant que vous vous embrassez, vos cahiers oubliés sur le sol. Tes mains se perdent dans les cheveux d’Eddie alors que les siennes sont sur tes hanches. Vous vous embrassez au point d’oublier de respirer. Vous reprenez rapidement votre souffle avant qu’Eddie repose ses lèvres sur les tiennes. Vous continuez à vous embrasser jusqu’à ce que les mains d’Eddie commencent à se balader sous ton tee-shirt. À son touché, tu te sépares de lui et le regardes tendrement. Eddie essaye de rapprocher ton visage du tiens, mais tu l’arrêtes.

-On doit bosser, déclares-tu, le faisant lever les yeux au ciel.

-On a tout le temps pour faire ça. On devrait profiter du moment présent, affirme Eddie en embrassant ton cou.

-Sauf que si on profite, on est pas près de finir nos devoirs et je sais pas pour toi, mais ma dissertation est longue, insistes-tu en éloignant la tête d’Eddie de ta nuque où tu vois un sourire taquin. Pas de sous-entendu !

-Je n’ai rien dit ! se défend-il en levant les mains en l’air pour prouver son innocence.

-Je te connais, Eddie. On fait nos devoirs comme ça, on pourra les laisser derrière nous.

-Mais, je veux pas ! Et puis, tu fais que bosser, une pause pourrait te faire du bien.

-Plus tard. Allez, c’est pas comme ça que tu vas pouvoir quitter le lycée, dis-tu en quittant ses jambes.

-Mais je ne comprends rien à ce devoir de physique !

-Je peux t’aider, proposes-tu et il ne semble pas encore convaincu. Plus vite on aura fini, plus vite on pourra reprendre.

Pour le motiver un peu plus, tu l’embrasses chastement avant de lui tendre son cahier et son livre. Non sans soupirer d’agacement, Eddie les prend et se replonge dans ses devoirs. Quant à toi, tu relis ce que tu as écrit pour ta dissertation. Tu essayes de reprendre ton argumentation, mais tes yeux dérivent sur Eddie. Son expression concentrée amène un sourire sur ton visage.

Le moment que vous venez de partager te donne un peu d’espoir. Malgré la distance, physique et émotionnelle, vous êtes encore attachés à l’autre. Plus tu regardes Eddie et moins tu as envie de travailler sur ta dissertation. Sans prévenir, tu enlèves le cahier d’Eddie de ses genoux et l’embrasses avec passion. Eddie n’a pas besoin de se faire prier pour répondre à ton baiser.

Tu es revenue à Hawkins depuis six jours et tes peurs ont enfin quitté ton esprit. Eddie et toi avez dû rattraper pas mal de choses, mais vous êtes comme avant. Tu n’avais aucune raison de t’inquiéter. Vous passez pratiquement toutes vos journées ensemble et tu en es plus que contente.

Ce jour-là ne déroge pas à la règle. Eddie vient te chercher pour sa répétition avec Corroded Coffin. Tu ne l’as pas entendu jouer avec son groupe depuis plusieurs mois et tu as hâte de voir les nouvelles chansons qu’ils ont écrites. De plus, tu n’as pas pu revoir tous les membres du groupe depuis ton retour.

Dans le garage de Gareth, tu es assise sur une chaise - Eddie refuse que tu sois à même le sol - pendant que tu les écoutes jouer. Ils jouent d’abord quelques reprises avant de faire des anciennes chansons que tu connais par coeur. Eddie ne peut s’empêcher de te regarder pendant qu’il chante, content de t’avoir à ses côtés.

Eddie commence une autre chanson et avant de chanter, il t’annonce qu’elle est nouvelle. Intriguée, tu te réinstalles sur ta chaise, voulant être à l’aise pendant l’écoute. Eddie commence à chanter et tu réalises tout de suite qu’il t’a écrit une chanson. Tu n’as pas eu besoin qu’il chante plus de trois lignes pour le comprendre. Il utilise certains éléments quand il écrit sur toi et tu sais les repérer en un instant.

Au début, tu es touchée. Certes, ce n’est pas la première chanson qu’il t’écrit, mais tu es toujours émue de voir que tu l’inspires. Toutefois, le sourire que tu avais sur ton visage disparaît quand tu réalises le sens de sa chanson. Il parle de sa peur de te perdre à cause de la distance. Tu as un pincement au cœur en réalisant que tu n’étais pas la seule à l’avoir compris. Les larmes te montent aux yeux quand il évoque le manque de communication entre vous deux. Il ne t’accuse pas, il exprime seulement qu’à cause de vos routines si différentes, vous pouvez de moins en moins vous parler. Cependant, sa chanson se finit sur une note positive. Eddie affirme que rien ne pourrait vous séparer car votre amour est plus fort. Quand il termine de chanter, tu te lèves et le prends dans tes bras. Eddie répond à ton étreinte avant de te murmurer un “je t’aime” auquel tu réponds.

Vous restez chez Gareth toute la journée et pendant la soirée, Eddie et toi retournez chez lui. Vous faites votre routine habituelle jusqu’à ce que vous soyez fatigués.

Toutefois, tu n’arrives pas à dormir. Le bras d’Eddie est enroulé autour de ta taille pendant que tu regardes le plafond en repensant à sa chanson et à votre relation.

Votre amour est toujours là, c’est un fait, mais pendant encore combien de temps ? Quand vous êtes à Hawkins, tout semble être simple et quand tu es loin, tout est différent. Ça avait déjà été dur pendant les vacances de Noël, votre relation en avait pris un coup, mais ces derniers mois, c’est pire. Vous avez beau vous retrouver, il y a toujours ce fossé entre vous deux. Tu as l’impression que deux planètes vous séparent. Et Eddie à l’air d’en être conscient également. Tu es frustrée de voir que quelque chose ne va pas, sans vraiment comprendre comment arranger les choses.

Tu pousses un soupire et poses tes yeux sur Eddie. Tu remarques que ces boucles cachent une petite partie de son visage. Avec ta main, tu les enlèves, te permettant de l’admirer complètement. Eddie ne sursaute même pas à ton touché, ayant le sommeil lourd. Tu regardes avec plus d’attention ces quelques tatouages, dont un nouveau sur son avant bras droit, avant de poser tes yeux sur son torse se soulevant au rythme de ses respirations. Tu espères trouver le sommeil en les suivant, en vain.

Tu lèves tes yeux au ciel avant de te dégager doucement des bras d’Eddie et d’aller dans la cuisine. Tu te sers un verre d’eau et restes dans la pièce pendant plusieurs minutes, perdue dans tes pensées. Quand tu entends la porte, tu reprends tes esprits. Wayne apparaît devant toi et tu le salues. Il n’est pas surpris de te voir chez lui. Il a l’habitude.

-Tu n’es pas couchée ? questionne Wayne en se rapprochant de toi.

-J’avais juste soif, expliques-tu en posant ton verre dans le lavabo.

-Tout va bien entre toi et Eddie ? demande-t-il de but en blanc. Je sais que la distance n’est pas toujours facile à supporter, ajoute Wayne sans te laisser le temps de répondre. Eddie est comme un chien perdu sans toi. Tu lui manques beaucoup, plus qu’il ne veut bien l’avouer. Il t’évoque à chaque occasion, même quand le sujet n’a rien à voir avec toi. C’est un peu trop parfois, mais c’est comme ça qu’il aime Eddie. C’est un bon gamin et il mérite que quelqu’un le voit comme il est réellement. Avec toi, il se sent bien, il se donne à fond. Même quand c’est pour le lycée. Il veut vraiment avoir son diplôme et te rejoindre.

Suite au discours de l’oncle d’Eddie, tu ne peux t’empêcher de sentir ton cœur se réchauffer. Tu ignorais que tu avais un tel impact sur Eddie. Wayne est reconnaissant que tu sois dans la vie d’Eddie, mais tu l’es tout autant. Sans Eddie, tout serait plus compliqué.

-J’espère qu’il pourra me rejoindre, ça sera plus simple quand on sera tous les deux à New-York. Il me manque beaucoup aussi, avoues-tu avant de sentir l’émotion monter. Je vais te laisser te reposer. Bonne nuit, finis-tu.

-Bonne nuit.

Tu vas dans la chambre d’Eddie, fermes la porte derrière toi et te recouches dans le lit. Instinctivement, Eddie se colle à toi. Tu le serres un peu plus contre toi et embrasses sa joue tendrement.

Pour une fois depuis ton retour, tu es chez toi sans Eddie. Ta mère a enfin un peu de temps libre donc tu veux en profiter.

Ta relation avec ta mère a toujours été particulière. Quand tu étais enfant, elle n’était pas la mère parfaite. Elle n’arrivait pas à garder un travail et son amour pour l’alcool n’aidait pas. Elle n’a jamais été méchante avec toi, elle était juste distante émotionnellement. Heureusement, il y a deux ans, elle a compris qu’elle ne pouvait pas continuer ainsi. Elle te perdait de jour en jour et elle se détestait pour ça. Alors, elle a tout fait pour s’en sortir, abandonnant l’alcool pour être la mère que tu mérites. Il y a des périodes moins faciles que d’autres, mais rien à avoir avec quand tu étais enfant.

Ta mère est reconnaissante pour Eddie. Elle sait qu’il t’a soutenu quand elle n’était pas apte à le faire. Elle l’a toujours porté dans son cœur, malgré les rumeurs. Pour elle, Eddie est le seul à aimer sa fille comme elle le mérite, c’est ce qui compte.

Ta mère et toi êtes installées sur le canapé en train de regarder une comédie que vous avez vu un nombre incalculable de fois. Vous pourriez réciter les dialogues pendant votre sommeil. Parfois, vous discutez de sujets lambdas durant le film, ta mère toujours contente d’en apprendre plus sur ta nouvelle vie.

Vous rigolez à gorge déployée face à une de vos scènes préférées quand quelqu'un frappe à la porte. Ta mère met le film en pause alors que tu vas ouvrir la porte. Tu découvres Eddie que tu n’as pas vu ces deux derniers jours.

-Hey, je voulais savoir si tu voulais venir avec moi au centre commercial Starcourt. Je dois m’acheter quelques trucs. On peut aussi aller se prendre une glace.

-Désolée Eddie, je suis avec ma mère aujourd’hui, informes-tu en te grattant la nuque. Elle a enfin un peu de repos.

-Je comprends. On peut se voir demain ? demande-t-il avec de l’espoir dans la voix.

-J’aurais adoré, mais on a déjà prévu quelque chose.

-Oh, d’accord.

-Je m’excuse.

-Ce n’est pas grave, t’assure Eddie en prenant ta main. Faut bien que tu passes du temps avec ta mère aussi, je comprends. Appelle-moi quand tu es libre. Passe-lui le bonjour de ma part, amusez-vous bien.

Eddie embrasse chastement tes lèvres avant de partir. Tu refermes la porte et soupires. Ta mère te regarde depuis le canapé, perdue. Tu retournes au canapé sans dire un mot, une expression préoccupée sur le visage.

-Tu aurais pu y aller, tu sais, dit ta mère. Et demain, on ne fait rien de spécial. Eddie aurait très bien pu se joindre à nous.

-Je veux passer du temps avec toi seule, c’est tout.

-Qu’est-ce qu’il y a, Y/N ? demande-t-elle, sachant que tu mens. Je peux voir que quelque chose te tracasse.

-Ce n’est rien. Tu peux relancer le film, affirmes-tu en évitant son regard.

Ta mère ne touche pas à la télécommande et pose sa main sur ton visage pour attirer ton attention.

-Ecoute, je sais que je n’ai pas toujours été là pour toi, mais je le suis maintenant. Tu peux me parler. Il s’est passé quelque chose entre toi et Eddie ?

-Pas vraiment. Je suis un peu perdue, c’est tout, confesses-tu tout bas. Je… Je ne sais pas si notre relation va tenir le coup.

Et sur ces mots, tu exploses en sanglots. Rapidement, ta mère te prend dans ses bras. Elle essaye de te calmer alors que tu lui expliques toute la situation. Tu parles de la distance, de cette sensation d’être face à un étranger que tu connaissais autrefois, de l’impression de perdre Eddie à petit feu, malgré tes sentiments toujours présents. Elle t’écoute attentivement, te laissant l’opportunité de vider ton sac. C’est la première fois que tu te confies sur ta relation avec Eddie depuis ton départ pour l’université.

En lui disant tout ce que tu as en tête, tu réalises à quel point tu souffres de la situation. Tu aimerais que tout soit comme avant, quand tout était plus simple, quand tu étais encore au lycée avec Eddie. Tu aurais aimé rester avec lui plutôt que de partir.

Quand tu as fini de tout raconter, tu continues de pleurer alors que ta mère continue à t’apaiser. Quand tes larmes se calment, ta mère éloigne ton visage de son cou pour te regarder dans les yeux.

-Ma puce, je suis désolée que ça soit compliqué entre vous deux.

-Je ne sais pas quoi faire. Je ne veux pas le perdre, pleures-tu.

-Je crois que c’est déjà le cas.

-Mais je l’aime.

-Parfois, ça ne suffit pas, déclare-t-elle, te faisant monter les larmes aux yeux à nouveau. Tu me l’as dit toi-même, quand vous n’êtes pas ensemble, vous êtes comme des étrangers.

-Mais quand il aura son diplôme, tout sera plus simple. Il sera avec moi à nouveau, argumentes-tu en essuyant tes joues.

-Ça sera peut-être trop tard d’ici là. À Noël, tu avais déjà cette impression de le perdre et maintenant, c’est pire alors imagine dans les mois à venir. Parfois, tu as beau aimer une personne, ce n’est pas fait pour durer et ce n’est pas grave. Ça ne veut pas dire que votre relation n’a pas compté.

-Il est mon meilleur ami depuis l’enfance. On peut pas tout perdre à cause de la fac. On ne peut pas.

-Ça ne veut pas dire que vous ne vous retrouverez pas un jour. Vous êtes encore jeune, rien n’est définitif. Et puis, vous grandissez. Peut-être que tu as besoin de grandir loin de lui et lui loin de toi afin de mieux vous aimer, tente-t-elle de te rassurer en vain.

-Tu crois que je devrais rompre ?

-Tu sais que j’adore Eddie et je vois à quel point tu étais heureuse avec lui, mais ce n’est plus le cas. Tu es malheureuse et vous n’arrivez pas à faire cette relation à distance. Je pense qu’il est temps d’arrêter avant que ça ne se finisse mal, conseille ta mère.

-Je ne veux pas lui briser le cœur, murmures-tu.

-Il se brisera à un moment.

Les larmes coulent à nouveau sur tes joues en réalisant que ta mère a raison. Tu ne le veux pas, mais elle a raison. Tu as beau essayer de te voiler la face, ta relation avec Eddie ne fonctionne plus. Tu te jettes à nouveau dans les bras de ta mère, ayant besoin de son réconfort alors que tu continues de déverser ta tristesse.

Tu évites Eddie jusqu’à la veille de ton départ. Tu lui sors des excuses plus ou moins crédibles et à chaque fois que tu entends la déception dans sa voix, tu t’en veux. Depuis la discussion avec ta mère, tu as accepté que tu devais rompre, mais tu ne sais pas comment t’y prendre alors tu ne fais rien, malgré les encouragements de ta mère.

Cependant, tu ne peux plus attendre. Tu dois le faire ce soir, avant de repartir. Tu ne peux pas le laisser penser que votre relation continue alors qu’elle s’est fini depuis un moment. Alors, tu prends ton courage à deux mains et te diriges vers le bungalow d’Eddie. Tu prends une profonde inspiration avant de frapper à la porte. Quand Eddie te voit, il est d’abord surpris, pensant que tu serais en train de faire ton sac.

-Hey, je peux entrer ?

-Bien sûr, dit-il en se décalant. Qu’est-ce que tu fais là ? questionne Eddie en refermant la porte derrière toi.

-Je voulais te parler.

-De quoi ?

-De nous. Il faut qu’on parle de nous.

-Tu veux rompre, n’est-ce pas ? demande-t-il et tu fronces les sourcils en réalisant qu’il a compris. Ne sois pas surprise, j’ai bien remarqué que tu m’as ignoré ces derniers temps. Alors, pourquoi ? J’ai fait quelque chose qui fallait pas ? Tu as compris que je ne suis pas assez bien pour toi ?

-Non, ce n’est pas ça. Tu n’as rien fait de mal. Tu es parfait, affirmes-tu en évitant son regard.

-Mais ?

-Mais ça ne fonctionne plus entre nous.

-Qu’est-ce que tu veux dire ? On s’aime, déclare Eddie avant d’avoir un doute. On s’aime, hein ?

-Je t’aime, oui, mais ça ne suffit plus. Eddie, on s’est trop éloignés ces derniers mois. Ce n’est plus comme avant, confesses-tu et tu vois la panique dans ses yeux.

-Si c’est parce qu’on ne se voit pas, on peut arranger ça. J’ai mis de côté et je pourrai venir te voir. Peut-être pas tous les week-ends, mais au moins un sur deux.

-Tu ne vas pas toucher à tes économies pour moi.

-Si ça signifie être encore avec toi, si, je vais le faire.

-Tu dois garder ton argent pour ton futur.

-Mais je veux un futur avec toi, dit-il d’un ton déterminé. On doit réaliser nos rêves ensemble, acheter notre maison... Vivre ensemble.

-J’aimerais faire tout ça aussi. Mais c’est trop tard, contredis-tu en retenant tes larmes.

-Il doit y avoir une solution. On peut encore sauver notre couple.

-On doit arrêter, Eddie. Je suis désolée.

En t’entendant prononcer ces mots, Eddie baisse le regard, ne voulant pas que tu vois la douleur dans ses yeux, mais tu l’as remarqué. Ton cœur se serre en imaginant ce qu’il doit ressentir. Eddie reste silencieux pendant quelques secondes, assimilant tes paroles.

-Donc, tu vas tout abandonner ? Après tout ce qu’on a vécu, tu vas tout balancer parce qu’on a dû mal à surmonter cette épreuve ? rétorque-t-il, frustré et avec les larmes aux yeux.

-Ça ne sert à rien d’insister ! Arrête d’essayer de trouver une solution alors qu’il n’y en a pas. On a essayé et ça ne marche pas. En décembre, ça ne fonctionnait déjà presque plus et maintenant, c’est pire alors il faut arrêter les dégâts, t’emportes-tu avant de reprendre d’un ton plus doux : Eddie, tu seras toujours important pour moi. Tu es celui avec qui j’ai tout partagé, celui avec qui je m’entends le mieux. On avait tout pour que ça fonctionne, mais ce n’est plus le cas. On doit arrêter. On aurait dû arrêter avant que je parte. Je suis désolée, chuchotes-tu en posant tes mains sur ses joues. Je n’ai jamais voulu te faire de mal, mais si on continuait ça serait pire. Je sais qu’au fond de toi tu sais que c’est la chose à faire.

-Je ne veux pas te perdre, confesse-t-il en commençant à pleurer.

-Moi non plus, dis-tu avant de le prendre dans tes bras.

Vous restez enlacés pendant un moment alors que vos larmes coulent sur vos joues. Même si tu t’étais préparée mentalement, la souffrance est tout aussi forte. Jamais tu n’aurais pensé te séparer d’Eddie.

Tu te détestes pour son coeur brisé. Son regard abattu quand tu lui as dit que vous deviez arrêter sera à jamais gravé dans ta mémoire. Tu tentes de te rassurer en te disant que tu as bien fait de mettre fin à votre relation - Eddie ne l’aurait jamais fait. Cependant, cette pensée ne te console pas. Tu aurais aimé que tout soit différent.

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