#still probably need a day's break tho
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I usually have the problem of not knowing what to draw and not having the motivation to finish shit, but lately I'v had too much I want to draw, and I want to finish. everything. (I even started a small animation this morning.)
It's a good problem to have, but my wrist is yelling at me to take a break lol. (Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.)
#it's too much#but i lov it#mostly i wanna draw my new blorbo#(and fell sans)#didderd talks#i'v been wearing a wrist brace while drawing#and i changed my pomodoro timer to 10 min work. 10 min break. and 20 min long break#still probably need a day's break tho#maybe i'll take a longer break after posting the next comic update#(donno when im posting that. my wrist is slowing me down hhhh)
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revamped looong mermaid orufrey au :')
#witch hat tag#orufrey#partial nudity /#about half of it is new the other half is redrawn from last year. Why would you rescribble some scribbles. Well it was bad.#i always underestimate how much i've improved in a year last may was questionable. also it's not even may any more so why mermaids now.#sorry if you remember this but at least half is new story. i'll just paste more explanation from twt....#first qifrey was cursed by EVIL WITCH eye taken and thrown into the sea#memory-less. then kind little witch boy oru found him on the beach & they became friends#they drifted apart after falling for each other bc qif knew he could never be with him.#oru walked on the beach every day for years hoping to see him again until so desperate he goes into the sea (on a ship?) & is dying#qifrey saved him with a kiss. they got closer &oru swore to find a way to save him that wasnt dangerous but qif knew hed need a dark witch.#(that witch was probably the one who cursed him..just toying with him...) in with the spell oru DOES forget him for real#even tho he needs to give Kiss Of True Love before qif turns totally blind for qif to stay human for good or become seafoam. but oru someho#the oldest magic is love..the ability to break through the curses of loneliness and despair. qif already did that for him#so oru was able to do it back later. he fell in love with him again..but also realised it was obviously him....well anyway......#originally the 'finding oru stranded like that guy in the little mermaid' was a separate au but it still makes sense to combine them#i dont want them to have not met in childhood...thats the orufrey thing....#im going to work on Proper drawings next instead of silly comics as usual....
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horror is so BLESSED he's the only one out of the murder time trio that has actual good people trying to influence his story 💔💔 dust and killer were both driven to INSANITY because of the choices of their respective humans but horror??? every time without FAIL the polls for horrortale's plotline have always ended in a good place for aliza (either by bettering her relationships/reputation or for her to just. not DIE)
horrortale's potential alternate timelines my beLOVEd🙏🙏 they're SO lucky that we're being kind and benevolent hehe (≧ω≦) now where are the aus based off the possible different outcomes that could've happened in horrortale HUH???? (like how aliza couldve killed toriel or chosen horror's puzzle or gone with undyne to the core........)
#something something all three of them have their fates determined by an outside force#ermmmm but horror doesn't- yeah he does. what aliza does decides EVERYTHING for horror and horrortale#just because its not direct like dust or killer doesn't mean theyre all subject to the same community x3#PARALLELS MTT PARALLELS FOR THE 500TH TIME THEY HAVE SOOOO MANY PARALLELS OHHH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD#mtt going to visit horrortale would just be dust eying aliza (out of paranoia. he knows shes a good kid)#and then killer knowing in his head that the poor kid aliza that horror weirdly seems to like doesn't have control over her actions#she doesn't know horror doesn't know nobody knows except killer. is that a bit sad?#theyre all living in the dark unaware of the reality of their world. i mean thats how its meant to be after all thats what the players want#but....... it would be tempting to tell horror...... hehehehehe- and then he's interrupted by horror and dust#(theyre trying to get killer to eat papyrus's spaghetti in their place. he's the only one that can stomach it even though there's no human)#mtt i love thee SOOOOO much. theyre back in horrortale for the holidays ✨✨ coming back to visit the family ✨✨ WHAT horror's visiting.......#not dust or killer of course. this isnt their world noooope thats not papyrus. but that doesn't stop dust from having everyone like him#its just like the good old days :333 except now there's three sanses and triple the insanity :333 almost like nothing's changed!!!!!#oh killer??? yeah he's there. probably won't try taking up the sansish type of role horror and dust do but he'll find a way to get used 2 i#after all the point of this is whatever he wants it to be now ;33333 were these tags all just a reference to my mtt fic. yes. yes they were#LMAOOOO i forgot that aliza didn't fall into horrortale yet in my fic. still a fun thing to imagine tho!!!#i think it would be fun having aliza be the first of humans for horrortale to deal with that they won't instantly kill#itll be hard but really rewarding for all of them........ especially horror i believe!!! man he didnt even go through therapy but#just being away from horrortale and out doing new and FUN and NOT MURDEROUS things has done wonders for him :3#i need to get to writing smh..... winter break is the day after tomorrow (TECHNICALLY AT 2:32 PM SINCE THSYS WHEN SCHOOL ENDS SO HAHAHA)#so ill probably work on it more over break since i'll have nothing to do hehe.......#today was an amazing day for me ✨ TWO mtt angst death related hcs..... some work on my latest chapter i've yet to post..... SWAPINVERSE FAN#ARE YOU KIDDING ME MORR SWAPINVERSE ART THIS IS SOOOO AMAZING THABK YOU UNTITLED29876011111 I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY YOU DO THIS!!!!!#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au
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considering taking a break from nikki and this blog
#it might have been 3am crazy talk. but it has value still. the Do Stuff Daily format is... inconvenient to say the least#i would probably find fresh new ways to procrastinate tho so i need to commit to actual change before breaking up with nikki#but yea atm the fear of missing days on ln sn hsr is... not great. stop that#sleepy.txt
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Dangerously frightened ft. a sorta redraw (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Still vent to a degree I guess haha#Poor Charm having to deal with the sads and the scareds - just how it goes!#All different iterations too! Classic and True Villain - she has to deal with way more nonsense under Kaiein so yeah that tracks#Unclear where she's at with Coffee petting her hair - no glasses and hair down but she's basically completely isolated in the TVAU sooo#Probably at least somewhere sometime of being vulnerable to others! Good for her#Wingies! And more stress#Definitely a bad spot in that case - confident Evil and wings is usually pretty alright Classic S1 style anyhow#Feeling powerful! Maybe spiteful or vindictive but at least not Cornered or that something needs to be made up for#Very dangerous spot to be in with that level of power#Like a declawed cat - will strike first with teeth when backed into a corner with nothing else to turn to#Her outfit is still really fun to draw even divorced from context tho haha#Cute wings and scalloping and shapes and everything ahh#Cutes!#Her proportions are fun to mess with too haha is she more like an hourglass or straight up and down? Why not both! All the things!#Depends on the day#The redraws are always interesting I still really like my initial Just Desserts style honestly#The contact points and shapes - like the way her legs sit and taper on the bed - it's cool! I like them#That one's definitely a redraw(s) but the last one is the sorta-redraw haha#Different but similar! Interesting to play in and fun#Poor Charm hopefully she'll catch a break soon <knows she won't (pft)
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[Gakuen K] Munakata Reisi Route Translation
Late night visit
LIST OF CHAPTERS
[Translation under the cut]
Saya: (Finally, tomorrow is Christmas…)
Saya: (I'm bet a Christmas party on an airship would be great…)
Saya: (I heard that a lot of important people from the school were going to be there, I'm glad I could help at least with the preparations)
Student Council Office Officer A: Hey, you. I'm sorry, but could you please tell President that the preparations are finished?
Saya: Y-Yeah! Understood.
*At the Himmelreich*
Saya: Sorry for the intrusion.
Saya: Preparations for the Christmas party are finished.
Munakata: Is that so? Thank you for telling me. I'll come over after I finish my work here.
Saya: Got it. Um, are you busy tomorrow too?
Munakata: Yeah. I have to attend the Christmas party until it's over.
Saya: I see…Good luck with your work. Excuse me.
Saya: (I've only helped with preparations until today, but Munakata-senpai will have to be there all day…)
Saya: (I thought that if we were lovers, we would spend Christmas together, but if he's busy, there's nothing I can do about it)
Saya: (Munakata-senpai didn't seem to be too worried about it either)
Saya: (…But it's still a bit sad)
*A bit later...*
Munakata: I look forward to working with those of you in charge of attending the Christmas party tomorrow. Well, thank you for your hard work.
Saya: I thought it would take longer, but it all over pretty quickly. What should I do about Christmas present…?
Choice: I think I'll go home
Saya: (I think I should go home…If I couldn't see him on Christmas, there's no point in buying it…)
Saya: (Oh, it's Munakata-senpai. He went back to the school building in a hurry)
Saya: (Even when everybody else is going home…Senpai is working all the time)
Saya: (It doesn't matter if I couldn't give it to him for Christmas. All right, let's go buy a Christmas present)
Choice: Go to buy it ❤︎
Saya: (Maybe if I wait until tomorrow, there will be a good time to give it to him)
Saya: (If I can't, it would be great if I could meet with senpai on a day convenient for him and give it to him)
Saya: (All right, let's go buy a Christmas present!
Saya: Fuf…
Saya: (In addition to a present for senpai, I also bought a lot of Christmas stuff…)
Saya: (There was a huge line for the cake, so I guess I will go buy it tomorrow)
Saya: (…Come to think of it, it'll be next year by the time I see senpai next time)
Saya: (I wish I could congratulate him properly…)
*Later that evening...*
Saya: Ah…Seems like I dozed off.
Saya: …Eh?
Saya: … Is that noise coming from the balcony?
Saya: Who-…Who's there on the balcony?
???: It's me.
Saya: Who "me"? Are you someone suspicious? Should I call the police?
???: That will be a problem. Please don't call.
Munakata: It's me. Munakata.
Saya: Eh…Munakata-senpai!? Why are you…on the balcony?
Munakata: For now, I would appreciate it if you could let me in the room.
Saya: O-okay! I'll open it now.
Saya: Senpai, why are you here…?
Munakata: …Merry Christmas.
Saya: Eh!?
Munakata: I came to spend Christmas with you.
Munakata: Well, Christmas Eve to be exact.
Munakata: I'm sorry I haven't had much time for you lately.
Munakata: I've had to do a lot of extra work because the handover of the Student Council Office didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped.
Saya: I didn't know that…
Munakata: I have just finished up that work, so that's why I came to your room.
Saya: But it's pretty high up here…Could it be that you climbed up…?
Munakata: No, I wouldn't do something so awkward. With my ability, it's not a big deal.
Munakata: More importantly, I bought a cake…Have you already bought it by any chance?
Saya: No, I didn't buy it because there was a huge line at the store.
Munakata: I see, that's great than.
Saya: Ah…I'll prepare the tea! Please take a seat and wait.
Munakata: Thank you.
*A few moment later...*
Saya: Senpai, isn't it against school rules to be in the girls' dormitory…? Even though you're the Head of the Student Council Office…
Munakata: It's okay. I am just here to see my girlfriend.
Munakata: Besides, my term is almost over.
Munakata: If Saya-kun doesn't tell anyone, there will be no problem.
Munakata: It's a secret between you and me.
Saya: Senpai…You said the same thing when you were smoking cigarettes.
Munakata: Oya…Did I say something like that?
Saya: Yeah, you did. I was fooled that time, but it won't work on me this time…
Munakata: Fum…That's a pity. You were quite cute when you were confused at that time, though.
Saya: Senpai…You remember, don't you!?
Munakata: I never said I forgot.
Saya: (After all, I'm always following senpais' lead…)
Saya: Ah, right! I have a Christmas present for you. Please wait a moment.
Munakata: I also brought a present for you.
Saya: Then, it's an exchange. Here you go.
Munakata: Thank you. You too.
Saya: Thank you! Would you like to open them together?
Munakata: Yeah, it's a good idea. Well then…
Saya: Wow…Cute…Is this a notebook?
Munakata: Yeah, please use it starting in April.
Saya: Thank you!
Munakata: No, I'm glad you like it. And mine is…an eye pillow?
Saya: Senpai often works at a computer, so I thought it would help you relieve some of the fatigue in your eyes.
Munakata: Thank you. You're right, my eyes are getting tired more and more, so that should help.
Saya: No, I'm glad you liked it.
Munakata: Oya… It seems the 25th came before I knew it. I guess it's time for me to leave.
Saya: Oh, it really did. Merry Christmas, senpai.
Munakata: Merry Christmas, Saya-kun. I look forward to working with you again next year.
[Prev chapter][Next chapter]
#k project#gakuen k#gakuen k wonderful school days#otome translation#munakata reisi#the way i squealed when he called her (me) his girlfriend 🥰#he's such a hopeless old-fashioned romantic#still wonder how he even managed to climb onto that balcony#does he also have the ability to walk on air in this au? did he use climbing gear? i need answers#the girl's got nerve tho. if someone tried to break in through my balcony id probably have a heart attack
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Hi im back . For some time
#.mimiming ❜#um . hi im gonna slee soon but i missed you all so much#umm first of all im trying to ccut down in screentime because my therapist told me to#second. after two or three months of convincing myself that i literally do not care im only going to school for just a few more days (onl#y today and wednesday) i literally do not care#i almost keep crying . because well um#idk. i was originally planning on cutting off contact with everyone#because of stuff thats happened before#but my friends. my current friends dont just treat me as a therapist or something so#also one of my wives would probably hunt me down and kill me if i tried to cut off contact#but ill still miss this stupid class and this stupid school and all the stupid teachers and students#and the horrible tasting canteen food#and the playground ive played in eight times total despite being here for 12 years#idk man#also because of my periods my mood swings were so much worse#and i just ..idk i needed a break ig#anyways im back for sometime then ill start looking for a job#me friend said maybe we can do something together#idk#you can always send me asks and dms tho 👍👍#im not really sure . like about anything right now#ill try to get the drawing requests done soon maybe#wild how time passes huh#god i need to stop acting like such a grownup im literally three years old
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still on this very necessary break. been doing a lot of reading and a decent amount of writing while trying to recover.
not sure when i’ll be back for real, but it’ll probably be when i’ve finished drafting the rest of museum.
#today is a bad health day tho which means i probably shouldn’t be on here#i just really needed a distraction and it feels too early to break out the 🍃#but i am in so much pain i spent a few hours sitting in one spot and keeping as still as possible
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Very tempted to make a daily sakito (akisaki) blog...
#summer break plans ig#cannot deal with finals and running a daily blog#I could make it tho#and then queue some stuff#hmmmmm#well I still need to wait for this line art to dry so yeah I'll probably do that#hooray!#fred’s rambles#man today is just my 'be active on tumblr day' isn't it
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done with the second worst part of cleaning, i have vacuumed
#i still need to clean some tabletops and wash the floors#but then im DONE#getting a bit too late to my liking tbh but lmao im dysfunctional. at least its getting done#oh yeah and then i gotta put the rest of the laundry away. pretty sure thats everything then#would have loved to take out more trash but they didnt empty the bins today so i cant fit more cardboard in there#you wouldnt believe the amount of boxes i have in this house.... and yet only one fits a human head!#which reminds i should probably put that one away for the checkup i dont. think i wanna answer any questions#the giant kip banner on my wall might already prompt some questions and im not ready for that. like they shouldnt come in to judge my place#its purely to check the quality of the apartment and if anything needs fixing etc#but excuse me i have anxiety and like a two meter tall kip banner on my otherwise empty wall LOL#anyways. gonna wash floors. clean counter tops. put away laundry. make really late dinner. and then see if im gonna write or just pass out#yay productive day i guess. tho i am sweaty and tired lol#sorry ramble tags i need to pour my break into something lol#night is an absolute mess on main
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Thinking about what happened in the summer
Kids are... Really different when it comes to spending three weeks without their parents
Some start crying near the end of first day
Some start crying after couple of days
And some don't show anything while feeling the same
And being... I think English has a good word for that, let's go with a teacher but mix it with caretaker a little bit
I think seeing a kid cry at the end of that first day finally short circuited my brain, teens are way harder to understand that pre-teens who are literally still kids
They come around after a week, settle down and find new friends and your job stays the same mostly to be the one controlling their behavior
And then you'd have a kid crying again, because they miss home and the only thing you can really do is comfort them that they're not stuck here forever and that time flows so fast they won't notice it
And maybe they didn't. Time really did flew and they were leaving
Parents visited kids sometimes, of course, and it was so scary at first but they were mostly friendly and nice
Maybe because of that group chat that let them see that their kids are fine and are having fun
In the end for kids it was painful at first, but fun in the end. I got hugged more times than I could count when they were all leaving
And then poof
Back to your own life you go, like nothing happened
#not art#irl stuff#some thoughts#Every time I tried mixing my 'usual' behavior with the one I had back in the camp it felt like adding acid into water in the wrong order#Because it didn't feel right and it felt right at the same time#Like I just suddenly got a brand new way of behavior all together and it was so different that I stopped recognizing myself#Literally I'd work all day without much of a thought head full of WHERE EVERYONE IS ARE THEY SAFE??? And then at break near night go 'huh'#And at first I tried desperately to catch the usual behavior and bring it back on the break#And it never led to anything good because I'm supposed to be fully like in daytime 24/7#I did that one sketch of silly guys to just keep at least something in my head aside from being fully aware 24/7 of every passing second#I still don't know if I miss that or not#It felt so nice to not feel like I have no goal in mind anymore#A goal of 'get to the end of this with all of the kids fine and safe' without ever swearing or making them feel threatened was... Exhaustin#I never became some super sweet person to know so I did what I knew best - talked a lot telling about the things they liked#And if a kid is curious being interesting by telling stories that they didn't know about the things they liked is a way to be liked#Most of them probably forgot about me existing there but some probably didn't and would return next year again#Honestly I don't know why I failed so many exams when becoming a teacher is the only thing that makes me truly happy now#And super tired because THAT'S WORK and it's exhausting as hell some kids love to fight and you need all your diplomacy to work with it#Maybe that's just me missing my time with siblings when they were little I didn't get much time being a good elder sibling to them#I can't associate this work with becoming a parent for a month because I'm still not so different from those kids#Like... I've literally have been told by older kids that they mistook me for a teen like them#Excuse you but I'm like 7 years older than that#It was funny tho because I was considered a bit closer to them all instead of being a big bad grown-up#Yet some kids despised me because of that in the first group because welp not being an authority figure sucks#That being my first job sucks even more because I had no idea about the unspoken rules while everyone had aside from me and mom#Second try was way better because I knew exactly what I had to do even if I was terrible at making us participate in dances and songs#Thankfully it started raining and don't you dare let kids get cold from being in the rain at night that's just ridiculous#So it was like we had a slumber party with me letting them watch GF on my laptop and read some comics#It was way better than being forced to look at the other groups winning all over again. Kids disliked losing so many times in a row#And in the end the things we planned weren't exactly enough but when they were kids were happy and I was happy because we put so much effor
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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My brain is. Goop. Running at about quarter speed right now. It's a little bit embarrassing, actually.
#speculation nation#i was poking around the class website and saw the class participation for today wasnt open#which made me remember that my professor mentioned not being here one day this week#and it took me. too long to remember if she said today or thursday.#literally checked the calendar over it (it wasnt stated on there) before i Finally remembered that class participation doesnt open until#class time starts.#so im Prettyyy sure that she said she'd be here today. and it's thursday she wont be.#it just got so lost over the weekend. most things. have been. lol.#between the stress of finishing that midterm on Thursday and then hanging out with friends and procrastinating my essay exam#(while also still being stressed about procrastinating my essay exam)#a lot left my mind. i straight up forgot that we were supposed to have dnd yesterday night#i got up from my failed nap and realized it was an *hour and a half* after when it was supposed to start. i felt so bad.#thankfully it turned out others couldnt make it either so it ended up canceled but Man.#i need to get a grip. i need to stop procrastinatng. i have an online exam on thursday tho & a video audition to finish Preferably by friday#and im going driving practicing tomorrow & im determined to make it the last one before i take my driving test. which means parking practice#really really really remembering why i hate college. dear fucking god please help me.#also have a book to finish by the end of the month. im probably going to be working on that over the weekend.#buuuut after that i have. uhh. like 6 more weeks of the semester? which means im gonna keep roughin it#but. it also means im getting closer to the end. and at least i'll have a few weeks break.#and then... my final semester... and so much more work.... aughhhh#im doing my best though. i may be struggling but im still finishing all my fucking work and im finishing it well.#i will bend but i will not break!!!!!! i will get good fucking grades!!!!! just watch me!!!!!!!!!
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.
#in the mental hospital currently#can explain might basically had a rly bad bpd moment at work//got fired//and then had to call myself to a hospital BUT I DID MANAGE TO#CLEARLY COMMUNICATE W MY SPOUSE ABT THE FACT THAT IM IN A HOSPITAL AND NOT LEAVING HIM WHICH SEEMS ALMOST LIKE A MIRACLE TO ME CAUSE WE WERE#we were about to break up but i think we actually love each other so it was a tough conversation#i have to do some serious thinking about#the psychosis i experience and some trauma as well cause its been really tough this summer honestly#first a bunch of shrooms while moving to a place i didnt know not being able to get all of my belongings organized resulting in obstruction#obstruction of vital routines#not to mention i freakin started focusing on like death type subjects cause its interesting to me and eventually i was like speaking in#keywords that didnt seem to make Any sense to my fiance even tho i was mostly just trying to help him have fun and have hobbies and stuff#outside of work#the keywords were in relation to a phenomenon i was researching regarding absent thought#i successfully filled the necessary absent thought slots in order to make sure i have graceful control over my thoughts#then i came back to reality! i guess i mostly get rly weird when thinking about the thoughts in my head cause i have a lot of things that#are private to me and i cant help the way my intrusive thoughts work#🥳🥳🥳PLUS I CANT MAKE THEM QUIETER IN INSTANCES WHEN I NEED TO LIKE TODAY WHEN I WAS AT WORK EXPERIENCING SOME SEVERE BPD SYMPTOMS AND THE#the instrusive thoughts literally made the whole employee team address the problem of me cutting myself as well as possibly scaring the#customers with any other intrusion i was having while i was listening to a song on the toilet to try and calm myself down#like if i had asked for a freakin break to handle the emotional situation i was almost suicidal and crying about i probably wouldve been#able to handle the situation but i was literally too tired and hurt and angry and depressed to even have the energy to control my emotions#enough to properly assess and judge#the situation enough to realize what was happening and how i needed to handle that#even then though i probably wouldve still gotten fired cause im not the fastest worker#there was also a bunch of psythought type stuff going on like my coworkers heard me loudly thinking about cutting myself in order to cope#it was only a couple of milliseconds but then it was like i had to go to the bathroom to listen to a song and that shouldntve even been like#shouldntve even been an issue but my anxiety was wilding too#basically went sicko mode the same day i started wondering about the other time i went sicko mode
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I finally did all the billing/money things needed for this month
#living la vida valerie#lies I still need to do my taxes OTL but everything ELSE is done OTL#monthly billing was already stressful but combine that with quarterly authorization requests and address changes OTL#one day I will sleep for more than 5 hours but its... probably not tonight by the looks of things#my next major break is the first 2 weeks of july that's so far away OTL#(mostly bc i wont get paid even if I work lol its still something to look forward to)#fun news tho: 92% of my books are in the shelves now i'm in the funny pickle of not having enough shelves for at least 4 to 6 more boxes
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Thinking about how Rafe would treat you each season…
Bro was tweakin’ the whole show 😭 Good luck with the mood swings
Also can you tell S2 Rafe is my fav and owns my entire heart? Ok? Ok.
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Season 1 Rafe treats you horribly. Never there for you even tho you are always there for him. Always thinking about himself.
He can be nice behind closed doors but the second you are with him and his friends he’s cold. He almost acts like you guys aren’t together but if one of his friends flirts with you he throws a tantrum. Also he gets mad when you don’t give him enough attention but he ignores your messages for days.
He snorts cocaine in front of you even tho it makes you uncomfortable… but he doesn’t really care as long as he gets his high. He asks to snort it from your thighs or cleavage as well. If you say no he’ll keep asking until you say yes just to shut him up.
If you’re being all annoying asking him to drive you home he’ll just smear some on your gums.
“Shit. Alright, c’me here baby,” he mumbles and you sit on his lap as he grabs a tiny bit of the powder and uses his fingers to open your mouth. “There you go, baby, good fuckin’ girl.” He chuckles and kisses you. You instantly melt into the kiss, feeling as if the drugs effect melts your body. You’re on top of him the entire night, cuddling up to him, straddling his lap, purring when he kisses you. You’re just so good to him, so devoted when you’re in this state.
He never lets you snort it tho. And he won’t do it again for a long time. He doesn’t want you to be addicted like him.
He calls you in the middle of the night and demands you come over when he’s in the mood. He’ll pick you up but won’t give you a ride home so you’re either staying or walking alone.
He yells Kiara looks hot at Midsummers when you’re right next to him. You’re angry at him but he doesn’t care.
Probably constantly breaking up and getting back together when he has one of his breakdowns and needs you. So he seeks you out. Cries to you about his dad. Cries to you about your relationship. Promises to do better. And you always take him back.
He takes you on motorbike dates, goes way over the speed limit tho.
You are there when his dad kicks him out, he takes his sadness and anger out on you. You are there when he kills the sheriff, and you’re not running away, not telling anyone, you’re keeping your mouth shut. For him. You do a lot of things for him.
Season 2 Rafe aka the most unhinged psycho you’ve ever met is actually nicer to you (worse to everyone else… but nicer to you). He keeps you safe. Never lets you walk alone at night. He basically never ever leaves your side, when he does it’s to do something he doesn’t want you to see.
He keeps you away from Ward and Barry - especially Barry. Until you actually meet Barry and find out he’s cool and funny asf. Rafe is pissed at first but Barry is the only guy he’ll let you hang out with (only in his presence, tho).
Barry starts calling you “Mrs. Country cluuuub.”
Never lets you do drugs again. Not even a little bit. He feels bad for what he did before, smearing it on your gums when you didn’t even really know what he was doing. He won’t admit it out loud, tho. He just won’t allow it again.
He needs to touch you constantly. Hand on your back or your thigh at all times. Holding you close to him. He needs to know feel you’re there.
He swears he’ll buy anything you damn want with the gold.
He still gets mad when he doesn’t get your attention but this time he’ll just take it. He’ll force you to give him attention if he has to. Sometimes he’ll rile you up and piss you off just so that he’s your main focus.
He seeks you out for comfort when he comes to your house all bloody and beaten… whether the blood is his or not is a mystery. He’ll open up to you, he’ll talk about his dad and you’ll comfort him with sweet words, he gets so used to it. Addicted. His dad never listened to him. No one ever listened to him. But you do. He may be in love with you.
He’s possessive. Won’t let you talk to other people, will break anyones bones if they look at you the wrong way. You’re his. And he’s slowly starting to realise that he is yours, too.
“I’ll take care of you. Shit, I’ll fuck up anyone who tries to hurt you, got that?”
He’s harsh about everything he doesn’t like and especially to people he doesn’t like. You better not get in the way when he’s really angry.
He hates it when he makes you cry, but if he’s already pissed off he can’t stop himself from yelling. He never hurt you tho. Maybe a few bruises from gripping your wrist with too much force but nothing intentional.
His eyes soften when you flinch one time. That being the only time he actually somewhat calms down.
Not many peaceful moments with him given how little chill he had in S2 😭 BUT if you guys are just talking, playing with eachothers fingers in the dark and you start talking about your future he melts. You always include him. In all the details and in all the plans. He loves you. He’s sure of it now.
Wheezie absolutely adores you, she gossips about Rafe with you all the time. You guys play board games and he’ll scoff and roll his eyes but Wheezie will force him to join. For 5 minutes. Then he’s like “Fuck this bullshit” (he’s losing) and he leaves. You and Wheezie laugh at him.
He tells you everything, he tells you about how he shot Sarah, how he tried to drown her, how he almost killed Pope, how he hates these fucking Pogues so much and wants them all dead… he’s never saying it calmly, his pupils are dilated, he’s shaking, his words are mixing, he has this look on his face… sometimes he’s so scary. But you never run away from him.
His obsession with making his dad proud slowly turns into an obsession to make you proud. To make you happy. To make sure the gold is fucking yours and anyone who tries to take anything away from you two dies.
I seriously can’t stress enough how Rafe is always obsessed with one person only and does absolutely everything in the world for them. And his focus changes from his dad to you. You’re his priority now. He’ll protect you, not his dad. He’ll make you proud, not his dad. You. You. You.
Season 3 Rafe is an obsessed man. Spoils you. Takes you on fancy dates all the time. Gets you anything you like or anything he likes.
Gets you hot dresses that he’ll rip the same day. You’re actually angry because you liked that dress so he’ll just buy it again.
He doesn’t really know how to express his emotions so he’ll just constantly buy you expensive things just because he can and he’ll keep you close, cuddle you, kiss you, squeeze your waist. Physical contact all the time, basically.
You don’t really fight anymore. But if he does make you angry you’ll wake up to princess treatment the whole day. Food, clothes, jewelry, his attention, anything you want, you got it.
“Can we get a dog?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
… almost anything you want.
You are his priority, always. Always focused on making you secure, safe, happy, proud, satisfied. You don’t have to ask for anything, ever. He’s got you.
Constantly shielding you with his body when you two go out, keeping you close, thumb drawing little circles on your back, his attention on you the entire time.
He’ll take you on boat drives and just chill and make out with you out on the open ocean.
He’s so madly in love with you.
He’s loyal, pushing other people away from him, and he expects the same from you… tho you usually don’t even get the chance to. He’s scaring anyone away the second they look at you.
He doesn’t care about Ward anymore, all he sees is his pretty girl who’s been with him the whole time, through everything. His girl. That didn’t push him away when he was on his lowest. His girl, who didn’t run away from him when he killed people. His girl who makes him feel so warm and fuzzy it actually keeps surprising him.
He wants to marry you, give you everything he has, pay you back for always having his back.
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