#still not a 100% recovered but well enough to do a bit of drawing

[kaisumisucreations]

a dubious @shkika beast and a perfectly mentally sound oupy

+ unshaded and sketch under the cut because they looked nice

[genericpuff]

HIHI!!! I hope you're good, Puff!!

If you're ever up for it, I'd love to hear how you work and create while dealing with ADHD. I got a confirmed diagnosis just yesterday (though I've been suspecting it for a long time) and it'd be wonderful to hear how you cope with the struggles it provides, or even discuss any benefits you've discovered.

If not, no worries!! Thank you for reading this, Puff!!

<3

oh god I feel so bad every time this question comes up because. I can't really tell you how exactly I've been able to do it LOL Congrats on getting your assessment, I actually just got paired with a new physician the other day and am now pursuing medication for my own ADHD struggles as well! I got diagnosed with 100% combined ADHD yaaaaay!

Short answer to your question: very very carefully! Because despite the work I put out, I am still VERY prone to burnout. While on the surface you all see me putting out regular updates of Rekindled, underneath that are projects that have fallen to the wayside because my brain just said "nah, I don't wanna play with you anymore" and that sucks! And I don't want Rekindled to wind up that way either!

Recognizing my limitations and making accommodations where needed has definitely helped. Changing my update schedule from once a week to once every two weeks, working with an assistant, learning which battles to fight and which ones to pass on, etc. Obviously out-of-pocket things like having an assistant aren't options for everyone, but getting to work with Banshriek has really opened my eyes to how much I was putting myself through with when I was flying solo. I have that bad habit of taking on way too much for myself, thinking that I'm capable of being everything within a project and fulfilling every role, but that's exactly how folks like us wind up getting burnt out and falling out of love with our projects. So I've definitely learned to appreciate collaboration more in that regard, both for the sake of "carrying the load" as well as giving me another voice to give input and feedback.

But when that's not an option, definitely make sure to pace yourself. There's so much misinformation about what makes a "successful" comic and normalization of extremely unhealthy working habits that it makes people think they're not allowed to make comics unless it's a 50+ panel a week ordeal. Update on a schedule that works for you, people appreciate consistency above all things, even if it's only a page a week or a few pages a month, that's more than enough.

You also absolutely need to make sure to rest. Proper rest, no thinking about the next page or the next update, just go out and exercise or hang out with friends or do something that gets you away from your usual working area and also provides you with stimulation. It's good for both your mental and physical health. I know with ADHD it can be very tempting to just pour every bit of yourself into a project right off the bat because you're so excited and full of BEANS, but that's just the dopamine demon talking! Don't let it tempt you into spending all of it in once place! If you do that, that's when you'll wind up burnt out and taking breaks that you can't recover from! It's a marathon, not a race!

When it comes to my own experiences, I really just love drawing comics. If it wasn't Rekindled, it would be anything else. That made it 'easy' to turn it into a habitual routine, but that's only because to me, drawing comics is the escape from the more boring shit I have going on in my life. This means I have to balance it carefully so that it doesn't become too much of a job or an obligation. There are definitely times when that balance tips, when the last thing I wanna look at is whatever episode I'm working on, and when I find myself crunching on pages with 2 days left on the clock before an upload.

The important thing is not to get yourself down over the failures and keep moving forward, even if it's not as fast a speed as you were hoping for. We're often really hard on ourselves to put out 150% on everything we do, but if 150% were the norm, it would just be 100%, y'know what I mean? And even still we're not designed to put 100% in every day, because some days we'll only have the capacity to offer up 30% - 30% is 100% on those days. Be kind to yourself <3

[nerdinsandals]

Hi I just need to vent a lil bit because I'm kinda frustrated with my health at the moment shdkfj

I'm not like, sick or anything, or at least I don't think I am. I'm just feeling physically and mentally exhausted to the point that I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes, or maybe I manage to do one (1) task and that's enough to knock me out for the day and maybe even the next day sometimes if I do more than one thing that requires the smallest amount of effort. It's not like I was full of energy before because my battery is always at like 60%, but I don't think I've felt this weak in a long time, and this has been going on for months already. Some days are better than others, but I never feel like I'm at my normal.

At first I thought it was just the result of all the accumulated exhaustion I wasn't allowing myself to feel while preparing for my librarian exam (which took place in late January), but like I said it's been months already and I feel like the exhaustion should've been gone by now? But then I remembered that I was sick with a high fever a couple weeks before said exam, because a relative thought it was a great idea to come to visit with clear flu-like symptoms and no mask (and they didn't cover their mouth when coughing, either), so of course I caught whatever they had. I rarely catch viruses, but I still get vaccinated and take as many precautions as I can because, when I do, I usually have to deal with the nastier side-effects, unlike other people who recover just fine.

Since I was isolating anyway because I was in full hermit mode studying for my exam, I didn't think about taking a COVID test, but now I'm starting to think that maybe what that relative had was in fact COVID and what I'm experiencing is post-viral fatigue? It's the only thing that makes sense with the information I have, since iirc it can last for months… I'm not sure if there's anything that can be done to make it better so idk if I should bother my doctor again (healthcare is currently very overworked and understaffed here, and especially in the summer), but if I keep feeling this way after the summer I guess an appointment won't hurt. 😅

My librarian exam fortunately went well despite already feeling the exhaustion (which at that point I chalked up to the stress of preparing for the exam for like a year), and I don't know the final results just yet because they're taking an embarrassingly long time to publish them, but I have to wonder if I would've done better had I not fallen sick. I needed to do exceptionally well to secure the position and unfortunately, while like I said, I did well (like an 80 out of 100), I didn't do "secure the position by getting in the top 10 out of thousands" well. ;; There's always next time I guess. But right now I just want to be able to draw and do things I enjoy without getting tired!

So yeah, I thought I'd be able to get at least a couple pieces done for Conway Day this year, but with only a bit over a couple weeks left I haven't been able to even finish *one* because I don't want to push myself and make it worse. I hope I can at least finish one of them, since I should be able to make a couple posts out of it! And of course I know this should be the least of my worries, but I just really like celebrating Conway Day and it frustrates me that I can't have my usual stash of new art to provide haha

Anyway, thanks for reading and take care of yourselves! And tell your relatives to wear a mask if they want to visit you and they know they're sick (or maybe don't visit at all?) 😑

[portablecity]

So, some news: tomorrow morning I'm having surgery on my right arm - my dominant arm - my drawing arm, my writing arm, my brushing-my-teeth and typing-in-chat and unlocking-my-door arm - and will lose most use of it for years, and an unknown (but hopefully less dire) amount of use of it forever. As you might expect, this sucks so, so bad.

As you can see above, I have been trying to proactively warm up my left hand so I can still write and such once this happens. As you might also detect above, it has not felt great.

(complements on my left-handed writing are not welcome; the feel of it is so alien that even if it looked perfect, i'd be upset)

So while I go in to get that done, I was wondering if you'd be willing to reply or repost or something with a thing you like about my work that isn't about how it looks? So I can go back to this post when I get real depressed afterwards and remind myself I'm more than my line quality?

And if you are curious, slightly more explanation with anatomical specifics below the cut:

so it turns out I have a peripheral nerve tumour on my radial nerve above my elbow in my right arm - it's been slowly preventing me from lifting up my index finger (extending it) and more and more the rest of my hand's extension has been weakening. scans show muscle atrophy in my forearm, so not only is the nerve weakening, it's been weakening long enough that the muscles are getting noticeably less use.

from what we know, the tumour is benign, but it's not possible to remove it without removing a chunk of the nerve, and likely fully severing the nerve. and though benign, the tumour has been steadily growing and is likely to continue doing so, where it would eventually effectively sever the nerve all on its own.

so this is a preventative surgery where we take the tumour out before it withers all the radial offshoot nerves farther down my arm, and graft in a spare (well, less important) nerve from my ankle, and hope that the graft takes and the nerve has a chance to heal and then let me rebuild my muscles and recover some hand and wrist extension. How much is not known. Complete recovery is impossible - some nerves in there are already dead and no amount of grafts and occupational therapy can change that, and more will wither while we're waiting for the graft to heal.

Motor nerves can only heal for so long, so I'll know more about my expected lifetime function in a few years. Likeliest outcome is followup tendon reassignment surgery to try and fill any dire functional gaps, and then what will presumably be a bit of a mind-fuck of physio trying to teach my brain that one of my flexion muscles will then be responsible for extension of fingers or wrist or something.

What's confusing about this is, my other arm nerves are all fine.

Ulnar? Doing great. Those nerves you fuck up with carpal tunnel? that I fucked up in 2008 and have spent a decade and a half taking very careful care of? really solid, healthy nerves! good job past Shel!

So I'm certainly not losing 100% of hand function; I'll still be able to curl my fingers and thumb and actively bend my wrist down - I just likely won't be able to reverse all those movements. Hell, already I can tell how much weaker my right hand is at typing - writing this after a day of spreadsheets at work is really wearing it down.

It's surreal how much all i feel is grief about this. There's no one to be mad at, not even myself - it just, sucks. Can you hold a funeral for your handwriting? your markmaking language? your line quality? your ability to touch type up to 140 words per minute? your confident, trained, controlled method of self-expression? RIP, radial nerve. I already miss you.

It's been a 13 month gauntlet of medical appointments since I first saw a neurologist about this and it's a relief to finally have the surgery, but i do really appreciate all the other scans and tests and biopsies - they gave me enough information to make this legit horrible decision to try and save what function I can for tomorrow by making today awful. And to try and become ambidextrous, I guess, because god knows I'm not stopping making art simply because my body betrayed me. It'll just be ... not what I think of as my art, for a while, at least.

[theultimatekamehamehavoc]

Naegamigiri/Naegirigami/Tonaegiri/PEN TATTOOING IN WHICH THE PEN IS JUST A SCHOOL SUPPLY

Remember this comic I made yesterday that was pretty goofy? Well, I'm adding to it! I MUST! First off, Makoto thought of this idea of giving fake pen tattoos with his boyfriend after going back into memory lane. Like, the thought about his good memories in elementary school watching other children do it or something. Or, I dunno! Maybe there was a foreign exchange student that showed them all. I'm bullshitting through this lore, okay! Regardless though, Makoto never ended up participating in this activity but, now since he's older, he wants to scratch it off his bucket list even if it's a bit silly. Byakuya finds this whole idea stupid and complains on how unnecessary this if for Makoto to do with him. However, the heir doesn't take much to agree though groaning the whole time. Cue the silly comic antics. Also, SOOO imagining the pure utter silence after Kyoko opened the door and saw these two bozos doing THIS of all things. Like, Makoto and Byakuya are embarrassed together and there is nothing they can do about it. Kyoko eventually breaks the silence though by asking the boys the obvious. "What are you two doing?" She 100% already deduced what they were up to of course. She's curious on what they have to say for themselves. This then leads to Makoto stumbling through his words while Byakuya is trying not to die on the spot. Kyoko eventually just chuckles and sits next to them though. After all, there's never a dull moment with these two. Kyoko probably decides to join them at some point too cus why would she pass up the opportunity to mess with Byakuya a bit. Like, the guy's the perfect target for her. His reactions are always so ridiculous due how how hard he tries not to look silly. Another thing I'm thinking is Kyoko eventually bringing up the doodle sketch Makoto drew of himself on Byakuya's side. It's not like she wouldn't notice, no matter how light the sketch is. Makoto eventually is unflustered enough to offer if she wants to draw something too. Byakuya, predictably, immediately says she shouldn't (he's still recovering from the embarrassment) but now she wants to do it even more so he's screwed. Kyoko lets Makoto finish his sketch first though while smirking to herself as Byakuya trembles the entire damn time since Makoto opted to go back to his lighter sketching method as to not hurt him this time. Also, dunno where to squeeze this but Kyoko definitely asks Makoto why they decided to do this on Byakuya's side. Makoto explains that Byakuya wanted to ensure that these stay hidden! He's not risking having the doodles on his arms. Meanwhile, Makoto doesn't mind having doodles on his arms so this side thing is just for Byakuya cus he's a special boy. Byakuya definitely doesn't feel too special after all of this though due to how embarrassed he got. Either way, after Makoto's done with his drawing fully (took him a bit with how much Byakuya was complaining and squirming the whole time), the three take time to admire his wore. It's a rudimentary sketch but they all like it. Or well, Makoto and Kyoko verbally do while Byakuya's coping by being in denial central. Like, he finds it charming but there's no way he's saying that willingly! However, the admiration soon ends and Kyoko takes a crack at drawing too. The whole time she draws, Byakuya's trying so freaking hard to stifle his reactions and squirming while still complaining and that the two tormenting him and how Makoto set the rules that they do each other. So, like, stop! He commands it. Makoto and Kyoko just look at each other before going back to doodling on the guy though. They take turns together as Byakuya is just a wreck since, this entire time, he's been focused on stifling every reaction he possibly can, albeit, terribly. He's not used to all of this attention and specifically this situation. Yet another thing that's foreign to him. Just complains the whole time on how weird it feels while Kyoko and Makoto are just bulling him. Byakuya gets his revenge though. Besides, Makoto needs his fake sleave of tats from his gorls!

[monstersinthecosmos]

🔮

🔮 Any advice for writers working through burnout or writer’s block?

!!!! Yes, absolutely.

I have three main approaches to this for myself, and I know everyone's brains and writing habits are different so yknow like take it or leave it or modify it to your own needs but here's three things I always fall back on when I'm stuck.

Be kind to yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Is there a reason the writing needs to be done NOW? You are not a machine. If it's not there, it's not there. Obviously this doesn't apply if you have deadlines to meet but if you're writing for fun, don't get so twisted up about it that it's not fun anymore. WHAT ARE WE DOIN HERE FELLAS?! It's okay to take a break and recover until it feels right again, you don't have to fill a quota.

Set extremely small goals.

I try to write 100 words a day because I have ADHD and I get crazy burnout and/or I go into creative frenzies where I binge write for 3 days and don't do the dishes. There's a balance in here somewhere lol. An easy goal and a routine can help a lot. 100 words is a joke. But there are days where it's a HUGE struggle. But it's still doable, and I walk away feeling like I chiseled away at the idea a little bit.

I can't stress enough that you can't push yourself THROUGH burnout, and this can go to any type of burnout. (I feel this way about house keeping too LOL). You're drawing from an empty well. Be honest with yourself, be kind to yourself, set a realistic goal. If you're burnt out you're not gonna sit down and crank out 2k in an evening, you just aren't, and if you try to force it you're just gonna feel worse when you can't do it. Be gentle. Make easy goals. Ease yourself back into it.

And don't forget, sometimes chiseling away is just exactly what you need to do. I sometimes go weeks where I put in 100 words at a time on a fic and then finally I make it through the hard part and 6k floods out of me all at once. Chiseling away is good. You will find your way back when you get through the hard part.

(Also, even if you're chiseling away with garbgae & nonsense, that's okay! You can edit it later! A sloppy first draft is better than no draft!)

Refill the well.

Speaking of drawing from an empty well; creativity requires an input and an output, imo. That's my personal opinion!! Sometimes you need to take a break and work on the input stream, too. Take a week where you watch a movie every night instead of trying to write. Reread a book from an author you admire. Stare at some paintings. Listen to your headphones in the dark, whatever the fuck it is !

You're running on empty! And it's not just the basic human energy to function! It's the creativity! It's the inspiration! If you're writing a fic, revisit the source! Remind yourself why you like it! If a movie or song or picture gave you the idea for your fic, go back to that! Absorb it, replenish yourself!!!!!

I know sometimes when I talk writing stuff that I speak about it more like, idk philosophically? And I know others might have technical advice, like write scenes out of order, change the font, sit in a different area of the house, find a friend to cheerlead! All of those things can work, too, and I try them sometimes. ((I have more to say about this and about how outlines are my lord & savior when writing with ADHD and trying to chisel away a scene at a time)) But like, all of that I think is a bit secondary to just being kind to yourself and taking care of your mental health first and getting yourself back into a place where you CAN be creative and find that drive again.

My life would be a fucking shambles if I couldn't make lil routines for myself with the ADHD and Brain Problems and whatnot and I leave myself an hour every day to write, right before bedtime! 9-10pm every night I'm CLOCKIN IN! And for me it's like a lil reward at the end of the day, so that I can like unwind, end the day, stop worrying about whatever else I didn't get done, etc. Making space for it as a fun activity and a reward is essential for me, and I still get stuck sometimes, but going back to these ideas helps me a lot!!!!!!!!!!!

[bvannn]

Weekly Update August 9, 2024

I’m still tired, still recovering. I’ll probably go a bit easy next week too because even though I kept trying to get sleep this week my luck wasn’t having it. I’m still making good work on art stuffs too, though.

Main thing was music: RR is almost completely tuned, I just need to fiddle with some external plugins and add some harmonies. Also pretty much started and almost finished another song, for that Newgrounds contest. I played my dumpster guitar a bit for that and god do I suck but it’s fine I’m doing what I can. I’ve gotten a bit better at chopping up and splicing wav files so I can still make it sound decent. I just need to record a couple more chords and that song should be good. Also doing vocals for that one because I realize they’re so much faster once you have a midi and know what you’re doing with it. Not sure which voice I’m going to use but probably one of the ZOLAs. Also found out that apparently the vocaloid mobile version is *not* discontinued (only region locked), there’s a way to get around the region lock, and apparently it’s only like $30? $20 per voicebank? That’s so much cheaper than the pc version! The trial has been tiding me over for now but I might grab that version and the ZOLAs (assuming they’re still a bundle), since that’ll be easier than having to send the vpr and wait for it to get exported and sent back to me. I’m not 100% sure yet though. Anyway bottom line is music is going great.

Comic has been lower priority this week since I was *supposed* to be taking a break. I got the lines for page 8 done before my ‘break�� so I got the page partially colored this week. Maybe I’ll finish that up this weekend and get page 9 in a line, but I want to finish up that song first.

I did get a good chunk of Epithet Erased TTRPG statblocks done, so now the thing that’s bottlenecking me from running that is maps and tokens (and balance testing but thats not essential I can change statblocks mid fight if I need). That’s a little bit of a bummer since I won’t be able to post any of those but oh well that’s how it goes I guess.

Tonight I’m planning to record the last of those guitar parts for that song, tomorrow I’ll try to tune and mix the vocals, and I’ll try to get a drawing to go with it done Sunday, then back to resting for a while. I’ll try to get that comic page finished and the OEB puppet as well on whatever night I decide I’ve had enough rest. While I’m resting next week will be finishing up the last parts on the songs that need it plus importing OEB storyboards.

[i-love-an-alcoholic]

Why I consider myself recovered

I don't have cravings.

I'm not 100 % straight-edge. A couple of days ago I ordered a beer while waiting for food and couldn't finish it. It just didn't taste good enough to justify drinking, and it certainly didn't hit any spots. I simply did not feel the urge to drink more, which is something I've really struggled with in the past. Whenever S drinks I have no need to drink with him.

I do sometimes think about drugs and have had dreams about using. When I wake up I may feel a little disturbed, but I ground myself by thinking about my current life and how much happier I am now compared to those days. I have too many things I don't want to lose.

I dislike that feeling.

I used to be one of those people who refuse to do anything sober. In retrospect I ruined a lot of things by that. Nowadays I feel like I can enjoy my nature walks, events, and even grocery shopping to the fullest only when I'm sober. Being on something would, in a way, take something from the experience instead of enhancing or adding to it. I also dislike the lowered inhibitions and lost control, anything that makes me go "Why did I do that…" the next morning (there's a brilliant word for this in my native language but I haven't found an english equivalent). Edit: it's moral hangover.

Even though this sounds dumb, I must say I get high on life itself.

I tolerate boredom.

Being even slightly bored used to be my biggest trigger. When I was detoxing I had an almost unsatiable need to be busy, be it cleaning playing games, drawing or whatever I could think of. I couldn't just sit still even for a little while. If I did, all my bad thoughts took over. At the time I had a phone app that reminded me to do things such as "eat lunch", "take a walk", or "take your meds and go to sleep". Sticking to a routine became my survival strategy until I was well enough to give myself breaks.

I got over this by actively learning to be still. I began by having a cup of tea before bedtime every night. Drinking tea gave me a quiet moment while also giving me grounding points so my thoughts wouldn't take off. I also took a little walk around the neighborhood every night, always the same route. I guess it was some form of mindfulness, and it worked.

Now I'm in a place where I allow myself to be bored sometimes, watch mindless TV, scroll my phone and so forth. The bad thoughts are still a bit of a problem though, but I'm getting better at controlling them. Boredom is fine.

There is more to say about this topic, but these were the main things that came to mind when writing. I know the old saying "Once an addict, always an addict" and while I think there is a certain truth to it, I firmly believe full recovery is possible. This is why I say I'm recovered instead of recovering. Ask box is also open, even though my audience is not that big. Feel free to use it.

[hoardlikegoldenirises]

 i thinking about how the clones might appear in my au in the future (this au)... if i write it...

the only real difference between ben and peter, visually, is the fact that peter broke his nose as a teenager and ben didn’t exist then so his nose is perfectly intact... only noticeable by like... two people really... i wanted to compare XD

putting Kaine and another one of Peter(’s injuries) under a readmore with a warning for bruises/injury/a tiny bit of blood and general “not doing okay” vibes

i’m actually not 100% sure about kaine... i might change his hair later

here’s kaine, he’s fucked up looking, but as you can see eventually (once he’s freed) he will start to grow his hair out (and temporarily beard? i’m actually not 100% sure on that aspect though while captive he is def like... ripping his facial hair out), as an expression of bodily autonomy 👍he’s got some health issues combined w/ the hair pulling and skin picking, so it all kind of adds together... also mark of kaine-ing himself.

and peter at one point gets kidnapped and swapped with ben, and while ben never got the treatment kaine got (because he had to be intact to be useful) peter does get that treatment, so peter is also fucked up:

though peter’s hair and stuff isn’t falling out and he’s not ripping out his eyebrows etc. like kaine is... he’s in bad shape when he gets rescued though. they both are. but can start healing quickly (as i decided to include in the pic itself) once they’re rescued. once peter’s doing well enough to leave the house he definitely gets a haircut. starts shaving more too.

he loses a lot of weight (he normally has to eat like... 4-5000 calories a day just to keep his weight on, so... it goes fast)

peter is in grad school when this happens so he’s already exhausted being, essentially, a student teacher... naturally he winds up even more tired after this. but he recovers.

more concepts: kaine starts out without a suit of his own, doing warren’s dirty work:

see my pinned post for the most up to date version of these costumes.

then adds a rain coat he steals, after escaping and forging off on his own, though still lacking an identity.

THEN he gets a real costume, and makes it spider themed as part of a kind of... respect he has for peter

without cape:

i spent so much time being like “ugh how can i make this work” before remembering that comic books are bullshit and i can just stick the lenses directly to his face.

actually ended up not using this design.... instead i think it’ll probably be this:

ben will be the jackal for a little bit though i think... almost penance, almost revenge, almost something else entirely...

i’m taking a slightly different approach here wrt to the jackal...

blue hood and stuff inspired by some ancient art of anubis, and obviously that jackal aesthetic is drawing from stuff later rather than the OG green jackal—i am not interested in giving miles warren the green jackal mask, so he has this instead, ben steals it, etc.

eventually ben becomes the scarlet spider

but i am still retaining aspects of the anubis aesthetics by putting gold bands on his biceps. and neck.

[thornpuck]

On Projects

My personal work journey began with the virtual pet game. And I was so pumped about that. Unfortunately, I couldn't code, and I couldn't find a coder to collaborate with. So I abadoned that project.

Next, it was the Aliens animated kids book. And this one was going well, but I couldn't justify finishing it off as it was going to be 100 percent free and practice for my bigger project, The Vial. I couldn't justify spending so much time on what was going to be getting me no money to live. So I abandoned that project.

Then I finally began work on The Vial animated kids book. I worked on it diligently for a couple of months and everything was going well, and then *poof* all motivation to work on it disappeared. I think I should probably not have jumped into my magnum opus, a puzzle game animated kids book app, right after burnout. I think I'm still burned out tbh and getting myself to work on it was like pulling teeth. I'm still trying to recover from like, a severe mental breakdown and I think I have to be a bit gentle on myself while I heal. But that doesn't make the fact I couldn't work on it any less heartbreaking.

So now I'm working on a small kids book, not animated, not an app. Just pencil and paper, send it to publishers, see if they like it. It might be no one picks it up, but I'd be happy enough with that. I just want to work on something easy and small to ease back into work.

Honestly I feel like such a failure. Like I had all this spare time and savings to work on something and my brain is just like, 'nope lol'.

Trying to work on just being able to draw is a whole thing. I've taken strides in getting better at not being anxious about drawing... but it's still not great.

Like I sound so hyperbolic, but literally everytime I go to draw, I have to consider: "Am I prepared to have a mental breakdown if drawing doesn't go the way I want it to?" because if I don't draw well my brain is filled with feelings of failure and self hate and it's a whole thing.

I thought these new meds I was on had fixed the issue - they were like a magic bullet and everything was going fine. But they've stopped working now and I'm not sure if it's a dosage problem, or a placebo, or something else. But it's clear I can't rely on them and I need to like, actually do some work. Which is a shame because I am very tired.

This has been another sporadic update on where I'm at. If you read this far, thanks.

[starkcanvas]

What is assail au?

ASSAIL is an Omori AU I share with my significant other, @sometimes-online, or Madi ^^

The story is currently a WIP as I had told the og storyline to someone and they gave some feedback on their thoughts about the plot-line. I relayed it to Madi and the two of us mutually agreed that when we have the time, we’re gonna get together and toss ideas back and forth on how to improve ASSAIL’s story.

But for what I can tell you, it’s essentially a roleswap AU but with some differences here and there.

Hero is the protagonist of this AU, Mari goes to see him daily, but he still almost never goes outside. (And in the OG story, he didn’t like falling asleep as his Omori counterpart, Assail, made Hero’s headspace his own personal hell to torture him all night long about all of his mistakes. Assail also being a representation of Hero’s “scholar” reputation as he wore a suit and was completely gold- like all of Hero’s awards and trophies)

Kel is the one who’s dead- him being a ghost like in normal OMORI to try and guide Hero into forgiving himself. But it also helps Kel move on as his spirit had been trapped in the location he died in for the past 4 years.

Mari offers moral and emotional support for Hero but because of this, she doesn’t go to college and has a strained relationship with her parents- specifically her Father. But she also has a strained relationship with everyone else in the friend group as she only really gives Hero 100% of her attention. Her hair has grown to be just past her thighs, but from her waist down, it’s dyed a navy blue fade instead of purple. The blue representing her support for Hero.

Sunny is extremely depressed about Kel’s passing but he has his mother doing all she can to help him feel better- over the years she’s gotten him into therapy as well as signing him up for art classes as she sees drawing is one of the few things to cheer him up. And she’s always loved his imagination.

Basil was very hurt to hear about what happened with Kel but he managed to recover very quickly after his funeral. But the way he did this was by planting tons of orange flowers and the like all around Faraway as a way to pay tribute to Kel :) him even setting up a massive garden in the Hangout spot filled to the brim with orange flowers as well, but also Cacti!! ^^ some he grew were lucky enough to grow little orange flowers on them too ^^

Aubrey was hurt from Kel passing too and went to Basil for comfort since everyone else seemed to be too occupied with their own grief. The two bond so much, she tells Basil about her home life and he openly invites her to come stay with him. His Grandma agreeing to this and Aubrey thankfully is living safely with Basil.

The two get closer by the day, Aubrey obviously helping Basil with his garden in the hangout spot but over the years, she gets extremely protective over the spot. Eventually, when the hooligans come into the picture, they join up with Basil and Aubrey in the gardening. Things had gotten pretty… heated between Aubrey and Mari. The last straw was when Aubrey sees Mari with blue hair instead of purple.

Her making a new pact with Basil. Aubrey dyes her’s a green shade of Teal while Basil dyes his hair the shade of pink Aubrey wanted. Aubrey also went a bit farther in secretly stealing Mari’s old softball bat, painting it green and putting nails in it to make it a “Cactus” Bat in Kel’s honour.

[commanderfloppy]

Just a loose thought post bc it was going through my mind how Tori actually plays a pretty big role in PoF.

Usually he’s kind of on/off in the story, like most dragon’s watch members are. But in the later parts of PoF he’s kind of playing a second commander role, specifically in the final fight with Balthazar.

After Flopps you know, died in the departing, she was still a bit weak/recovering. She was strong enough to do a bit of the whole archon stuff but was definitely not that combat ready.

Cut to Tori, who showed up a little late to the party (around the fight with Vlast) because she was still modifying her prosthetics to withstand high temperatures.

One thing you should know about Tori is that they were blessed by Balthazar at their birth (their parents were highly religious and named her after ‘Victory’ for a reason), so when they show up to the fight, the herald (and later Balthazar) kind of turn their attention to him and do the whole ‘oh chosen by the god, why are you fighting? You should be the next herald.’ (Tori is very confused, he did not know this and was also an Atheist before Balthazar well..showed up)

So that’s a new thing for him to have to deal with, and also kind of connects him more with everything. But then they go to the Library and meet Kormir, who mentions Tori’s blessing and he’s like ‘yeah I know Balthazar whatever-‘, but that wasn’t what Kormir was talking about, Tori got not one but TWO blessings. And this second one was from Dwayna who could sense he was going to be needed for some future battle (the one against Balthazar), this is how Tori miraculously managed to survive Claw Island.

So when the final fight rolls around, Floppy obviously needs to be there for Aurene but she is still not in fighting condition, so Tori goes with her with his usual masking high confidence, ‘I’m going to make him regret blessing me >:3’

In the final fight, Floppy is synchronizing with Aurene and hitting from the sidelines, while Tori takes the main attention (they’re also the one wielding sohothin)

Anyways Tori gets the iconic ‘Still Standing’ line and when they’re saying that her prosthetics are 100% melting from the heat of Balthazar and the sword, something I should draw bc it would’ve been a cool ass moment.

[lcec0ldheart]

Random OC stuff of the day #3: New OC! Enter Crimson Starius! And some backstory!

So, I missed two days. This is supposed to be a daily thing. But it was my sister’s birthday on the 20th, and we celebrated it until halfway through the 21st, so I was dead tired. I’ll try to post two oc stuff in one day at some point to recover lost time, but i am excusing myself once bc it was my sister’s birthday lol. Have a BIG post to make up for this? Its pretty late but i got forced to cook not my fault

Anyways, new OC! I know it’s really soon but oh well fkrlgkrjejjrjd

I suddenly got the idea (for what he looks like, Violet having a brother has been in the back of my mind for a while even before her redesign) while doodling stuff, and so I made a quick scribble of him before actually drawing him at school. Surprisingly enough, I was able to start and finish him. Here is Crimson!

Crimson is an 11 year old kid, the younger brother of Violet! The “Sun” to Violet’s “Moon”!

A charismatic, chaotic, fun and bold kid that wants to enjoy himself and make some friends. He’s quite clever, cunning, funny, and is perceptive and likes to share with people. Also very creative and a bit crazy, he’s interesting to be around.

Although he tries not to show it, he’s also pretty emotional, and he’s a bit self conscious of what others think, wanting some attention. Despite this, he’s still a fun, nice and sweet kid who makes mistakes at times. Can be read as selfish, but it’s usually by accident and he’ll do something to make up for it. Shy around new people but that doesnt last long

Somewhat hyperactive and struggles to sit still, and gets bored easily, but he’s really good at being entertaining and enjoyable. He’ll try crazy ideas even if he’s been told it wont end well, and he’s relatively confident in himself, but still wants some validation. He’ll invite a friend to whatever he’s doing, as he wants to make sure they’re enjoying themself too. More relaxed, and kinda goofy.

He draws pretty well for his age (Certainly better than I did LOL), learning how to draw with Violet’s help. A good leader, and smart for his age, notable when he’s around other kids. Relatively mature and knows the most unexpected things (He and Violet share weird fun facts with each other. Sometimes, my irl brother will tell me something he shouldn’t have learned until high school. He’s a great kid, but he scares me sometimes…)

Since he’s so young, he doesn’t really fight (thank goodness although he’s weirdly strong for his age and tall…), but he likes playing with fire, and unfortunately Violet can’t really discourage him due to him being fire immune somehow. I guess he had to pick up some kind of weird trait from her, lol. If he had to use a weapon though, 100% would be a hammer. My IRL brother is having so much fun with the inflated comically oversized one we have.

(Hey guys, it’s Crimson IRL!)

Crimson and Violet’s sibling dynamic is pretty interesting to me. Due to how he and Violet was left on her own without parents when she was 13 (About a year and half has passed since that happened), they’re very close, sticking together no matter what happens. Sometimes they talk like friends the same age bantering with each other (No joke my brother is crazy smart 75% of the time we talk to each other like we’re twins, and he’s NINE), other times they have a younger brother-older sister dynamic, but Violet’s the one that’s been taking care of him. No idea how she manages to get through it all, but she’s the one who makes sure he’s fed, clothed, has somewhere to sleep, making sure he’s happy, helping him whenever he needs it, and is cared for. Give Violet a “sister of the year” award because MAN i couldn’t imagine managing that at 13 no less

Fortunately, eventually the two get some sort of support system (With Violet getting some friends MAYBE found family…) and they have their older (I’ll introduce her eventually but i haven’t introduced her yet. Maybe i will for lesbian visibility week though) cousin, who is sadly pretty far away and busy, but still tries to help, being the one to buy their living space and giving Violet quite a bit of money to make sure the two can live on their own without having to work or worry. Also gives her advice.

As for how they’re managing to live on their own, they’re doing fine. Because of the fact they’re on their own, they’ve adjusted their living to what fits them best. It’s not all that bad. Still stressful for Violet though

Crimson usually attends online live classes on his laptop (They both have laptops they use for personal and school reasons), and he’s actually taking advanced classes, doing quite well in school. (He still needs to pay more attention sometimes though.) Sometimes he needs help, but he knows what to do for the most part, and if not he’ll ask Violet at some point during the day.

Violet does her school work remotely, not on live classes, but that allows her to go however fast she wants to on her school courses. It also lets her manage her own schedule which is good because the only thing holding her back as a kid in school was having to follow everyone else’s schedule.

Her sleep schedule is naturally fucked up (I swear she’s like some sort of nocturnal creature lmao) and was a bit of an issue when she couldn’t get to sleep all night and got sleepy while in class. But since online courses don’t have that problem, she can sleep whenever the hell she wants! Which is why she’s usually sleeping when other kids are in school lol. Crimson is normal (ish) in the case that he wakes up at the crack of dawn, so usually around 6 AM. Violet is quite book smart. Due to her being able to do assignments wherever and whenever she wants (assuming she meets deadlines), she is zooming through highschool. I imagine the story with Frost, Pyrite and Violet would take place around the summer, so after that she’d be starting courses most people wouldn’t get to until junior year, despite only being 14 and half. 2 grades ahead basically

You’d think that one of them being awake half the time the other is asleep would cause problems, but for the most part it doesn’t. They still eat at least 2 meals a day at the same time, just that for one of them it’s breakfast and for the other its dinner lol. Usually when Violet makes her own lunch (which she has at like 12 am lmao) she’ll have a second plate made, and put it in the fridge to leave for Crimson when he’ll have his own lunch since she’ll be asleep at the time. Though Crimson is learning how to cook too, as he wants to make his own food as well, so that won’t be necessary soon!

While Violet and Crimson don’t judge each other much, they still think some of the things the other does is weird. Like Crimson sometimes goes on rambles and rants talking to himself or the wall about practically anything. It’s like he’s a chronically recording youtuber. Violet isn’t really bothered by this, she just finds it entertaining and kinda funny, and talks back if she has something to add. Crimson also tends to pace around the room a lot. He fidgets if he’s sitting in place, and gets kinda restless assuming he’s not being stimulated in some way, so usually if she sees him doing that she’ll find something for him to fidget with (He might just go find like a wrench to twist himself) but she doesnt think its weird or anything

Crimson might ask Violet a question if he sees her doing something not normal (Like using her telekinesis), but assuming she answers he’ll just take it and be like “Oh cool” and maybe ask her to participate in one of his schemes if her powers end up being useful for it. He thinks the purple markings and nails and glowy eyes is normal bc Violet is his standard for what a person should look like LOL (This is why he doesn’t ask why it’s so difficult for her to sleep like a normal person, or why she’ll manage to infodump about something for hours, or how sounds seem louder to her, or why she gets fixated on specific things, because she’s the person he knows the most, so it feels normal to him. and even if he knows otherwise he doesn’t mind)

Overall, they’re very close, and kinda learned how to socialize by talking to each other lol thats why both of them aren’t too good at talking to normal people. The two will stick together and support each other no matter what. Sometimes they have issues or bicker, but they geninuely love each other (Crimson doesn't say it as much but he ends up conveying that by his actions.) I call them the Sun and Moon duo!

Uh I don’t know what else to put here, but that’s another ramble from me that got super off topic lol. Goodnight guys, hope your day is going well, yuh

[pioneeroverc-my-5000th-sideblog]

Summary of May:

I don't know how this month went by so quickly. The last two weeks have just been brain static lol

Um… it looks like I spent most of the time trying to get myself to finish that bridal alt and then got stressed by other stuff happening which I have not gotten on top of or recovered from. Not a great month for studies, but I managed to get at least a little bit done and started catching back up with my Ges Draw Party videos, so… I'll take it

I am happy that I've been exercising more though! Even got one of my 'started walking in one direction and accidentally walked nine miles while exploring' days in, which is one of my all-time favourite things to do and which I really should do more of. Anything over 10k steps in one go is sooooooo good for my mental health. Also been having fun playing Ring Fit and running outside.

Plan from April:

at least one day/week playing games (not art but important to relax with) ✗ I REALLY NEED TO DO THIS BECAUSE I AM NOT GETTING ENOUGH BRAIN REST

Draw May 4th/5th pieces ✗ did May 4th, couldn't decide on what to do for May 5th + was kinda late starting

Rough (pose) sketches for all 4 FEH alt ideas and finish current one before 8th ✗ well this is fun (I do have one pose sketch and a bunch of ref for another idea though)

10x scared ✗ 6

4x 100 comp ✗ aghhh

Proko - review notes + watch shoulder critiques ✓ finally something I have done!

Proko - pecs and breasts I guess ✗ started, but decided I needed to keep going on shoulder anatomy because it's more important to understand

4x Ges Draw Party ✓ YES!!!! WIN (I did 7)

DAB Lesson 7 - 4 vehicles ✗ 2 though

1x master study - comic background or screencap study with perspective ✗ did do a Moebius flying boat study sketch though so xD

June plan:

at least one day/week playing games (not art but important to relax with) (DO THIS!!!!)

use my organisation spreadsheet consistently

meet communication deadlines

review Proko notes

3x FEH alts

10x scared (shoulder tracing)

4x 100 comp

1x FEFDraw video

4x Ges Draw Party

DAB Lesson 7 - 2 vehicles

1x master study - another Moebius ship

notes and improvements from finished stuff:

ACTIONABLES: USE PHOTO REFERENCE FOR EXPRESSIONS!!!!! JUST DO IT ✗ however have been trying to use face photos more for perspective, do hair studies ✗ doing better at this tho, decide whether majority of piece is going to be dark or light and base contrast around that ✓, draw out ribcages (+ shoulder bones) for every sketch ✓, use photo/RL reference for EVERY HAND - even doodles ✗ but most of them + using reference WAY better this month by trying to take perspective into account , do a separate detail pass the day after ‘finishing’ something ✗ too impatient lol, use photo reference for folds ✓

5MIN SCARED IDEAS: find good hair examples and trace ✗ …I might have done this? it's in my study file but might be from last month, trace torsos for gesture ✓ , review/learn leg muscles ✓, draw one hand ✓, identify fold type in clothing photos ✗

heath: bad line quality (I thickened some of the lines in a really scribbly way), armour not correctly 3d, folds don't make sense, still not sure of structure of torso

b/odhi: bad values makes it hard to look at (too much contrast), figure not conforming to perspective in places, hand is awful, doesn't look like he's sitting on the boxes because of where the horizon line is, messy/scribbly lines on the ship, ambiguous positioning of up arm vs the thing that's supposed to be to the side of it

lyon: hair is kinda clumpy in a bad way (needs flyaways or something along the length of hair sections, I think), torso anatomy nonexistent lol, I don't know if that's where ears are supposed to go

mid/een: not happy with the expressions I ended up with, m's legs look too long even though he should proportionally be ok??, lack of shoulder anatomy knowledge intersected with lack of perspective knowledge and made his arm look really weird BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, shaky adherence to horizon line, a's far wrist is way too small, her torso is also all kinds of messed up, had trouble reconciling anime stylised face + actual real face anatomy (flat vs. planes of face), HOWEVER I think the rendering came out pretty nicely and the bow was surprisingly straightforward to draw. all the things I'm annoyed about here are, I think, the result of me hitting my skill ceiling and not knowing enough to solve problems - so I am trying to be more okay with that xD

ACTIONABLES: draw out ribcages/shoulder anatomy for every sketch, trace heads + ears for placement, study Otomo 3/4 faces, draw box in perspective + horizon line (at least H.L.) before placing characters, keep tracing shoulders

5MIN SCARED IDEAS: draw one hand, shoulder/ribcage tracing, review/learn leg muscles, draw one hand, trace heads + ears, Otomo study

[soulventure91]

hi hello yes for Dir I propose [looks at smudged numbers on hand] 4, 27, 31, 45, 50, and 61.

i luff muh bestie she sends me good things ||

4. if they could learn one spell that isn’t available to them at present, which spell would it be? Sadly Diric doesn't cast spells BUT if he could? Fly, 100%. Diric has inexplicably been happiest when he's flying, able to get off the ground and get a new perspective. His psionics only allow him a minute of sort-of-flight, and with most of the party with some kind of extended flight ability (at least an hour? Maybe?) at minimum Diric is chewing on that one (also excluding the small bit of himself that wants to be vain really wanted to start owning his draconic appearance but now most of the party have magical dragon wings so that leaves him kinda :/ deep down)

27. how do they mourn? If he's around others, silence and stoicism is his play. Diric has a difficult time showing his feelings even around those he trusts and loves, so any tears, screaming, and other such expressions are going to wait until he's alone. He's had to mourn fairly recently and is still recovering from that, so his emotional state is a little more fragile than usual.

31. they’re given a blank piece of paper–what do they do with it? If he's got a pencil in reach, Diric will start sketching. His immediate comfort-drawing is architectural design, and he actually has individual designs for each party member. If Diric's mind is leaning towards anyone in particular, he'll likely start drawing their style; if there's no one in particular, Diric will likely be sketching whatever he seeing that catches his fancy. Sans pencil, probably start folding it in random ways or, if in a rough mood, start tearing the paper into pieces.

45. how do they hug people? Fiercely. Before he got taller Diric would reach around someone's chest, to hold with warmth and surety - that they were there, that he was there. Now that he's 6'8, taking that route is a little more difficult, but if he can at least get one arm around the other's chest Diric's content. His height in most situations also lets him now tuck his chin over the receiver's head - to be that massive, reassuring presence he's always felt he's been.

50. can they sing? can they dance? Yes, to both, though not well. Diric's singing is more of a low chanting tone, best suited for marching songs in the tunnels of the Underdark. He's picked up some monastic chants from his time in Tsenden, which Diric only rarely sings unless he feels like he can give it justice or it might be useful (as those chants are in draconic and he only memorized the sounds). Diric can dance some, mostly when he's in his absolute best moods - to express his joy and eagerness at managing to have a day of really living. The last time he felt that way was the moments after forging Laminsikul with Maahes and before the talk that shattered Diric's hopes.

61. what kind of flower would they choose to pick from a meadow? HM. Probably lupine or fireweed; something striking enough to draw his eye from the grasses and trees, but common enough he wouldn't feel terrible about picking one. Lupine would be more likely, as purple is one of his house colors (even if Diric despises the fact he's nobility).

[kimikaami]

Boy am I glad you asked, anon :)

It all started when someone showed me this post ages ago, which got my wheels turning.

Months later, I started thinking about a small AU ficlet where, at the end of the story, Seteth discovered that Flayn isn't actually Flayn - the girl that Byleth and Co. recovered from beneath the monastery was actually swapped out for Kronya before they ever arrived, and Seteth has been living with her, unaware, for... years. It's the perfect plan, you see. TWSITD get to keep Flayn to toy with. Kronya gets to feed them information about the Nabateans and the Resistance Army's plans.

I even got so far as to spill my thoughts into a Google doc, intending to make it into something good later. I may still do that. Who knows.

Anyway, even more months ago by and I get caught up in other ideas (my gdocs is a fucking mess. I'm pretty good at finishing everything I draw but with writing, I'll come up with an idea weekly and most times, completely abandon it). Hindsight is 20/20 and I start to think this idea is a bit too edgelord-y for my tastes, so I kind of drop the idea but keep it in my ideas doc just in case.

I don't really have any grand conclusion to this honestly. Just, in the months since dumping all of that in that doc, the idea has never completely left... I just keep circling back to the idea of Seteth being righteously furious to the point of violence... BUT. He can't 100% separate himself emotionally from this thing that looks and speaks like his daughter, his only family. And spending time with him has weakened Kronya's resolve. She's developed empathy. Affection. Love...? Haha jk. Unless....

So when he decides to spare her and have nothing more to do with her, well...... she can't just leave well enough alone. The agarthans are fueled by hate. It's their entire purpose. So getting a taste of love, even if it wasn't completely real? She craves that shit. Yearns for it. And thus attaches herself to Seteth's side in his search to find his real daughter, and definitely Does Not hope to win his love back along the way.

Ofc they start out as the best of enemies. But ever so slowly, Seteth starts warming up to her. He can't help but to "dad" a young adult in need, after all. Eventually they're successful in finding Flayn, who... well. I mean she's not doing so great. It takes her some real effort, but she is the patron saint of empathy and love after all, and gradually she's able to accept Kronya as a friend, all three are able to heal and grow together, and they live happily ever after :)

It's much too big of a project for me to handle, and honestly I'm not passionate enough about it to dedicate myself to it for almost no feedback, bc lbr no one is clicking on a fic tagged with Seteth&Kronya. Beyond morbid curiosity ofc. But I do still hold the concept dear. Who knows. Maybe I'll do a snapshot one shot someday.

shout out to the seteth&kronya AU I will never write but lives on in my head in all its strangeness