#still need a moment bc this got me in the feels
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which logan(s) would put you in the most heavenly mating press i’m talkin entire body mass crushing your thighs to your tits and either brutal pounding with his teeth in your neck OR passionate (still pounding. it’s all he knows) deep ass thrusts holding ur head with both hands i’m gonna explode
https://x.com/Father4u666/status/1865094902285013461 the size difference…
Oh sweet anon you are KILLING ME HERE- pls continue..
But this link??? Im actually deceased, you do not understand. Size kink going wild rn soooo heres my thoughts on this:
70s dofp!Logan is the best at the mating press. Hands down. I mean we have all seen the scene cap of him and the girls frankly TINY arm over his neck. That is a big, heavy man who FUCKS with everything in him. Size kink screams when he’s near. He’s completely draped over you no matter the position.
Oldman Logan often gives deep heavy pounds that are slow in pace, holding your face/neck tight in his hand. He’s cooing in your ear so much filthy shit, trying to drive you to the edge with every single thing he knows. Fingers like a champ. When he has the stamina on a good, moderately painless day, he is soooo good at fucking rougher. He lovessss being ridden and WILL absolutely thrust up from the bottom fast and hard when you get tired. Hes also big on spanking. Bc That’s daddy frrrr
X1-X2 Logan is somewhere between both.. but arguably most feral, speed is definitely something he utilises, quick pounding is his kinda vibe? He’s certainly got the stamina for it. Def leaves the most marks too- you can guarantee your leaving with hickys and bite marks allll across your neck/tits/thighs.
Worst Logan.. I feel like worstie is cautious at first. He doesn’t want the risk of hurting his partner, but he will give Slow and deep. He will give it quicker when he’s more comfortable if that’s what you need but mostly he knows he’s got time here.. He Can afford to savour every moment with you. Also a biggggg giving oral for his pleasure kinda man. Gets needy for you to simply ride/warm him
Origins is all about praise, about making you feel good at all times. He’s a sweet sweet lover boy. He’s probably the most likely to fuck the gentlest in all honesty. He’s allll about the slow intimate sex, keeping eachother closer than close in bed. Def more on the love maker spectrum than rougher fucking but he is capable if it’s what you need from him orrrr when/if he’s jealous- Also probably the best when it comes to mutual masterbation/clit play. This Logan is boyfriend, this Logan is husband.
#carbonrambles#logan howlett#wolverine#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett smut#wolverine smut#deadpool and wolverine#logan howlett x reader smut#oldman logan howlett#old man logan#dofp! logan#origins logan howlett#worst logan#smut
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Share your thoughts with the class please 🥹
Shout out to @nottiinrosso who headcanoned this with me a couple years ago (Jfc???) and I’m sure I’m free styling now bc it’s BEEN a minute but
Almost an Our Flag Means Death meets Stardust plot. Lando is a terrible pirate with a rag tag crew trying to make it big as a privateer. They go and try to raid a bookstore that’s already mostly empty save for Carlos who’s the proprietor. They do a terrible job, but they do wreck the shop in the meantime and Carlos is like WHAT THE FUCK?? MY BOOKS! And he comes face to face with Lando who actually seems a little apologetic. Carlos is like ?? wait why are YOU upset?
“We thought this was a governor’s office.”
Carlos stares at him. And he’s like “but aren’t you a pirate?”
Lando kind of shuffles and says he’s a privateer, technically, and Carlos asks to see his commission, which of course Lando doesn’t have. Carlos takes a deep breath and says okay. Well. You wrecked my shop. Are you going to take me hostage?
And Lando is like ?? What? No. You’re a regular guy.
“I certainly am now. You wrecked my shop. Why not take me hostage?”
“I-I don’t know. Um. Do you want to be taken hostage?”
And Carlos thinks about it very seriously. Then he shrugs and says, “I don’t have anything else to do. And also, I think you need help.”
Lando looks alarmed at that, but his crew is all downstairs, still making a mess of things, so they’re not privy to the conversation. Carlos sighs and says, “You’re going to get killed at this rate. Somehow, I feel like it will be my fault if you do.”
“But- I wrecked your shop!”
“Yes, and I need something to do now.”
“Well, what qualifications do you have?”
And Carlos smirks a little and says, “My father is El Matador,” the most famous Hiberian privateer.
Lando stares at him. And stares at him. And stares at him. And then Carlos says, “You owe me for wrecking my shop. Just take me hostage already. I promise I will not tell your crew I’m tutoring you in piracy.”
“How do I know you won’t lead them to mutiny?” Lando demands.
“Because I chose to be a bookseller instead of a privateer like my father,” Carlos points out. And then, more drily, “And because they don’t need me to lead them to mutiny at this rate.”
“Can I tell them you’re a privateer’s son?”
“No, no. They will demand you ransom me the moment things get difficult. You will have to pretend I’m your, mm…pillow warmer.”
Lando sputters and nearly stabs himself with his own rusty sword. Carlos sighs, and fetches what he can while Lando yelps about honor and not forcing Carlos into anything. Carlos grabs a sword he got from his father, some clothes, a few of his favorite books, and a bunch of saved-up money, and tosses it all into a rucksack and towards Lando, who catches it with a squawk. “There. Your bounty. I’m sure your crew raided my coffers downstairs, so they should be satisfied. You can pretend all that is yours for now, but I will want it back in your cabin.”
“What if I take it all now?” Lando says, still trying to maintain some semblance of control.
“You don’t need to,” Carlos says breezily. Then, to Lando’s horror, Carlos screams loudly, “Fine! Please! Enough! I’ll come with you, just spare my life!”
Below, the crew raises a cheer. Lando stares at Carlos, who has flung himself to the ground. Carlos grins up at him—and Lando realizes just how good-looking this privateer’s-son-turned-bookseller is.
“I will make you the best pirate this side of the Goddess’ Channel.”
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No matter what they won’t let us be together, Ming. I’m not going to break up with you. But if you don’t have me, your life will be so much better. But if I don’t have you in my life, I don’t know for whom I’ll live. What is it ? How long are you going to look at me ? I just wanna see your face clearly. So that I’ll know that I’m not dreaming. Joe. Finally, we are really together.
Ming…Joe. Joe. Joe! Joe, please come back to me. Don’t go. Joe, please don’t go.
MY STAND-IN. EP 11: LOVE IS MERELY MADNESS
#mingjoe#ming x joe#joeming#my stand in#my stand in the series#mystandinedit#msiedit#asianlgbtqdramas#thai drama#thai bl#bledit#clairedaring#uppoom#up poompat#poom phuripan#my edits🌱#this episode…a real tragedy so i immediately thought of making it into art#still need a moment bc this got me in the feels#even though we know joe will come back to ming:’)
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thank you everybody who crossed their fingers and toes bc aventurine AND acheron are now both safely at home:3333333333
#the amount of tickets i went through?#let's not talk abt that#i also got six sampo's#and like eight (??) pela's#(i was about to fucking kill somebody i don'T EVEN USE HERRRR LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEEEE LITTLE LADY)#and then tingyun and hanya and yukong (2x)#and gepard#who is cute but at the moment i was not that happy bc he was standing between me and my wife😠😠😠😠#i feel like i'm forgetting someone lmao#anyway#acheron was playing hard to get i do feel just a bit sad bc i am so low on tickets now and i kinda wanted her lc too#and idk whether i should still try to get it or not............................#my brother pulled her for me btw😭😭😭#i was losing hope but then he came into my room to talk abt his day and i was like okok . i need you to just push this button for me#AND IT ONLY TOOK TWOOOOO PULLS#😭😭😭😭😭😭#everybody say thank you mickey's little brother we love you mickey's little brother#i can't even use her rn though bc i can't get a good relic set for her lmao#I CAN USE AVENTURINE THOUUUGHHH AND HE'S SOO SOO GOOD EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE ITTTT#mmmm i should probably level up tingyun too right i've heard that she's good#i'm facing another very difficult decision now though bc................. i love jy...........................#but how many lightning charas do i need...................... if firefly is really getting a rerun at the same time........................#i might....................................... prioritize her.....................................#I HATE ITTTTT:(((((((((((((((#BUT I WANT JY TOOOO:(((((((((((((((((((#genuinely feels like i'm betraying him wahhhhhhhhh#anyway i'm in (what i hope) are my period feelings so hhhhhhhhhh#dying over and over again but dw i'll be back on my regular bs soon:333333#mayor of loserville
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the itoshi brothers through the years ...
#sophie's idle chatter#congrats to blue lock for being the only animanga to have itoshi sae and itoshi rin !!!#haha... aha... ha... a...#excuse the mega long rant in tags i just have a lot to say when it comes to the itoshi bros#crying btw haha <33#they changed some lines from the manga in the snow scene...#“we're half-baked. you and me both.”; the whole “screw that...” spiel ..... ourgh........#and the way there was. no music. just silence in their confrontation scene until the moment where sae decided to cut ties#hahah.............#once again the part that always got me in the manga (and now the anime) was where sae still had light in eyes when talking abt being the#best midfielder with rin the best striker bc they could both still have that dream together only for the light to fade when rin refuted#and said hes not the brother he knew with there being no dream if its not the one theyve had all this time.....#sae more than likely believes that if anyone can become the best in the world its rin but is wasting his talent by looking up to the#big brother who couldnt uphold his promise to be the best striker and instead pushes him to the brink so he could forge his own path#to be a striker in his own right without being his saes shadow even if that means having rin hate him in return bc he has always cared#which ofc doesnt invalidate rins feelings bc he has a right to feel betrayed after dedicating so much time to follow a shared dream#with his brother whom in his eyes stomped on it without remorse and left him to eat shit#neither of them are wrong but they both went abt this in the worst way possible haha... a... ....... i hate them.#also very sick of them to have their relationship progressively be depicted from light and dark like. excuse me while i jump out a window.#i need them to have a sit down and talk in the manga like. a whole 20 chapters at least.#ALSO WHAT WAS THAT ADDITIONAL TIME SEGMENT IM GOING TO THROW UP AGAIN HELLO
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Daisuke's Notes on Venom's Concept and Design:
Like Millia, he was raised in the Assassin's Guild from an early age. He adores Zato.
He was set up to be a long-reach character and flier. I wondered what kind of character I should make. Originally, he had a cello. He actually had a fan for a weapon before Anji did. He also had a large cross, which I thought was the best concept, however, we were told that it was OK to have it as a part of his design, but not to hit anyone with it. When I was struggling, I went out to play games as a distraction. One time, as we were playing billiards, we talked about how interesting it would be to have a fighter who fights with a pool cue. But I thought the character would be too boring with just the cue alone, so I made it so that his hair also covered his face and added a mark on it with a bit of paint. Since the head had such a strong personality, I wanted to keep the body simple. However, I wanted to change the overall shape of the body to make it similar to Zato's, so that's why the legs are like that. As for the pants design, if I wanted to keep it simple, I would have made each leg the same color, but that would've made his figure appear more naked. To find a way around this, I made one leg light and the other dark to add more of a mysterious flair.
#SORRY i got distracted.#also if i had a dollar for every time daisuke described venom as 'mysterious' id be rich#also that last paragraph was a bitch to transcribe in a way that like. made sense?#bc on its own it really doesnt lmao i didnt want to stray too far from what he was saying#ANYWAYS WE COULD HAVE HAD THE RELIGIOUS IMAGERY!!!!!!!! THE CATHOLIC GUILT. FUCK#my first thought was wolfwood from trigun if he carried around a giant cross lmao#and knowing daisuke likes trigun part of me wonders if wolfwood was actually inspiration for venom#guess we'll never know...#EDIT AS IM STILL TYPING THIS POST; HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING#HE ABSOLUTELY BASED VENOM OFF OF WOLFWOOD. CHRIST ALIVE HOW DIDNT I NOTICE#THE PARALLELS. THEYRE THERE. THEYRE THERE ALL RIGHT. YOU SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH#sorry got distracted again bc i needed a moment to process this.#anyways. um. yeah!#sorry for the tag rant. im normal i promise.#thank you for the food kat i might do more if im feeling up for it LOL#guilty gear#venom guilty gear
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Anyways update i just didnt bother to post earlier:
fr God is good and the whole car crash my parents got into last week was so incredibly mild in terms of injuries!!!! worst was a bruised knee im pretty sure
ALSO-
*taps mic* HUG YOUR FREAKING LOVED ONES OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!
#ALSO DO NOT READ THE TAGS IF YOURE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME!!!!#ENDED UP VENTING AGHHHHH- (<- amongus ref in 2024???? l+ratio) (no but seriously stay safe; im not sure if i should add a cw???)#no but like the cars themselves?#FOLDED-#ive seen photos of worse ones of course lol (ty internet <3)#but we´re all in agreement that if it had hit anywhere else at that speed it wouldve been BAD Bad-#like; severe injury to the leg at least; drivers door wouldve crumpled; thankfully it hit the tire mostly#our car got what seems to be the lesser damage and theyre still debating if it counts as total loss xd#also oh goshhhh#so i usually go and say goodbye to my dad when hes headed to work; i did it that day as usual; car was already halfway out the driveway#my dog also loves to go and she was already in the car#but my mom (taking my dad to work) said she´d need to stop by the store after dropping dad off; so she handed her back to me#last minute descision-#my dog is a small kinda elderly chihuahua and wouldve been on my mom´s lap when they crashed#no seatbelt for her obviously#she wouldve gotten injured so freaking bad if she was there ):#overall feels like we dodged a life altering accident by a hair#i wasnt even in it and im still shook hahaha#i always go say bye to dad if hes leaving for work no matter if im pissed off or sad or whatever#half out of habit; half bc i know anything could happen at any moment and id rather not have been too proud to say goodbye#dammit im crying now hahaha#saying again; everyones fine!!!!! please remember to hug your loved ones !!!!!!#shut up sheo#but oh gosh too many reminders of death as a constant recently#that happened about a week after a cousin died; i hadnt seen him in forever but his family went to our church growing up; he was my age#it was a dull and distant pain even then to hear the news but it still hurt; i didnt go to the funeral#did go to the one a couple days later tho; for a family member i truly didnt know; it was a car crash i think#a special kind of heartbreak from meeting his mom and seeing his kids running around#now that i realize it; as im writing this; i hadnt stopped to process just about anything hahaha#freaking sobbing at 9 in the morning smh!!!!!
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pont pont vesszőcske
#this year just feels weird. im selfishly not saying ~rawr so awful or tragic#because there are things ive achieved this year that im proud of and that were long due#im so happy i did that masters course and im so glad i landed a job that pays well even though its torture on my nerveous system#my mind is forever free from academic guilt and pressure#and i can afford things that nourish my soul and body when they werent accessible before#so this is the firm acknowledgment of the fact that im lucky and have an objectively good life#part of which i was given and nice parts i actually worked my ass off for#and for the first time in my life im at a stage where its all … freestyle?? lmao like ok girl you did the things now find new things to do#and theres none hehehe just human connections that are harder to build than a cv or a thesis defense and doesnt only depend#on the effort i put in#but also on how the stars and planets are moving or idk#plus i just remembered how my sister told me that the reason why i kept procrastinating on my diploma was bc it was an excuse to not grow u#and now the universe is kicking my ass all year to make me realize that i need to change and grow and build a life i could settle in#because this bitch!!!! took 3 of my 4 closest friends and made them move countries and get married or in one case just simply get over me#and not to make everything about me but its how humans work okay so ofc im internalizing a lot of other tragedies as new signs#from the universe screaming at me#to get away from the parasocial bonds that give me so much joy but also affect me too much#like LAUGH AT ME all you want but ive been wanting to see ts live since 2009#and the only thing that kept me up in exam season at 4am was me and my friend sending outfit inspos to each other#like its silly i know but when that show got cancelled and i was hysterical i kneew the lesson was to grow up and stop investing so much#into lovely but also relatively short moments of my life#because i should be able to#look forward to other things after graduating than the eras tour but i WASNT okay#and i dont have to elaborate on how liam’s passing has been affecting me/us so i wont#but fuck that was a cruel reminder - to make things about me again- that though i can talk about this with friends on my phone#until my retina burns out or melts or idk what retinas do#i still dont have ANYONE in my phsyical proximity who would understand this pain and thats partially on me#and then my 85+yr old grandma got covid AGAIN for the 3rd time and my god she got better but in case i forgot she wont be with me forever#and i reached the tag limit so thats it anyway weird year very weird dont know what it wants from me#to the void
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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Please pray that a complicated billing situation will be sorted out and covered by my insurance. It's for an ambulance ride I had in June for a panic attack. Some of you might remember me panicking about it a few months ago when I got the statement.
#it's a giant bill and my mom's insurance which is my primary only covered a tiny portion of it#and the ambulance service tried only once to contact my secondary insurance and they never even got it#so they never covered anything#but they were never contacted#so then i made them contact each other when it was made apparent that otherwise i would owe $2020.#yes two thousand and twenty dollars#and then i was waiting for them to deal with it#and today i just received another statement still showing that they never contacted that insurance and that i owe them the money by the 30th#so i panicked a little bit#then called the insurance and they said they had just recieved the claim on the first#so then i called the ambulance service and told them so and asked if the due date of the 30th was still in place#and she said no it's on hold and the insurance lady said most likely some of it would be covered#so hopefully it will go down drastically#and man this whole situation is like.... why did i have to do all the contacting back and forth#i thought that was y'all's job#but whatever#so now i am waiting again :)#fully aware that i may still owe a large chunk of that#but it's okay bc i am starting a new job and all will be well :)))))))#right???????#all will be well??????#and it was a dang panic attack that started all this#so i feel somewhat like this is all my fault#if i had never taken that thc gummy and greened out so bad and worked myself up none of this would be happening :)#but that's not healthy for me to think#it's in the past and i truly thought i needed to go in so in that moment i was doing what i thought i needed to do to take care of myself#i should be proud of myself for that#i just wish healthcare was different in this country
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i'm literally never leaving 14 mentally. i'm exactly the same, only now i know how to cope in public
#when i was 14 i was seriously depressed and i craved so much attention bc i felt like i was wrong in so many ways#so if i got attention i would finally be considered right#except i was making everyone uncomfortable with my pityparty (everyone was 14 at the time - how could i expect them to live up to my needs-#-> all of the time)#anyways i still crave the attention and i still feel out of place and weird but now i've learned how to live a little so i don't try to ->#-> overthink as much and instead go with the flow most of the time#but then there's moments like these where i cant help but to wonder if someone's opinion of me changed after i said something weird#and when i'm in this state i feel so lost on what to do bc i know attention would satisfy my seeking needs#but if i constantly bring down the mood everything gets weird and idk. life is hard and becoming 1 with nature would solve it all
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Something I really wish new parents would understand (and parents in general, but I find it especially egregiously egotistical coming from parents whose oldest is like. Still in diapers) is that -- honestly, it really does not matter how you raise your kid. You can encase them in gender roles and take them to church every Sunday before they can even talk, you could pray with them every night as you tuck them in. You have influence, but you lack God's power to dictate a preordained fate. The arrogance, to think that you could. If I didn't find it so sickeningly revolting, I would laugh. You're vain, you're vapid, you're small-minded and naive. Do you REALLY think, You, of ALL people, are gonna be the one who "does it right"? That I, an entire human being standing before you, am simply a reflection of my parents' failures? Society's failures? My own failures? That so many like me, all that are like me, are a result of Somebody's failing? And thusly, you think you're Better than that, right. You're holier-than-thou, quite literally. You know, completely neglecting to consider that there are many who came before you, with your exact attitude, who attempted to do the very same thing. Neglecting to mention or even acknowledge, those were the arms that held Me. That I stand here, before you, as proof that shit does not fucking work. Oh, but I must be the result of SOMEBODY'S failure. Otherwise, your worst fears may just come true. And boy, I sure hope they fucking do. But hey, maybe you'll "get lucky", and be able to assign that to your OWN doing and not just. Chance. A high chance, if we're honest, but the way you're shitting your pants like your itty bitty toddler in diappies over it you'd think that, like. Well, you already think there's some sort of conspiracy to be so real, and I really don't know what to tell you. Beyond the fact that you're just so fucking stupid and I hate you viscerally, personally. Heal your heart or accept the possibility that your kid will speak to you as little as humanly possible when they're older.
#normal. milo moments.#sorry i got annoyed by some lady on the internet. not elaborating further but i really do just torture myself sometimes huh#i don't know if i even really captured it but like. i feel like the CORE of my annoyance here. is the arrogance.#the implication behind 'raising your kid right' being 'whoever raised the likes of You must have done it wrong'#and also the idea that you can just. be fully in control of your child's destiny. just bc they came from You.#like no bitch!!!!!!!!!!!! that's not how any of that works!!!!!!!!!! also MAN. MAN. MAYBE ONE OF MY MOST ANNOYING#ex-christian personality traits. is me getting REALLY MAD ABOUT LIKE. god how do i even say it#you think you're better than god? on the same level as god? that you know god's plan and god's will?#that you're NOT taking the lord's name in vain right now? 🤨 uuuuuhm. okaaaayyyyyyyy 😒😒😒#LIKE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT OR DESCRIBE IT. BUT WE BOTH PRESUMABLY KNOW THE RULES#AND I'M NOT EVEN PLAYING!!!! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S PLAYING!!!!!! AND YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#man.#also again just the sheer amount if arrogance it takes to think You're gonna parent Exactly Right#when your kids are still in diapers. like bitch you got a big storm coming.#ughhhhh i gotta just put it to rest though. just needed to get it out of my system.
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catching up with undead unluck and………dear Lord.
#ʬʬ.sosa speaks.com#listen to me y’all listen J-JUST LISTEN LISTEN TO ME PLEASE#andy’s lil alter ego or original personality or WHOEVER victor is got me all kinds of excited#like idk if im shaking bc im cold or im THAT excited n stimulated#this lil serious demeanor he got is making me curl MY TOESSSSS RAAHNQWM#now i see why this isn’t his normal look because he would have been too powerful#a-and HE IS SO BIGGGG HELLO???😩 so so large…..#i’m cumming#i know sex wit this man would….*inhales deeply*#i know it’ll rearrange my entire pelvic bone and shift the position of my uterus#but i want him to#i literally feel warmth and slick building up in my pussy guys HELP ME#i need to be in a room with him where there are no others…..#the way i would immediately be on my knees the moment he looks at me even for 2 seconds#anyway idk why im like this i think im still ovulating (& lonely)
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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I hate when my phone won't let me have 2 audio sources running at the same time (depending on the app). I know what I'm doing, let me hear the discordant noises. My brain has built-in audio separation for music. It came as compensation for auditory processing issues. Don't make me pause the music.
#i also go absolutely fucking feral when my phone lowers the audio to play a notification sound#I CAN SEPARATE THE AUDIO. I CANT UNDERSTAND THE VIDEO IM WATCHING IF THE VOLUME SUDDENLY GOES TO ...#... 1% TO PLAY MY NOTIFICATION SOUND#wish i could turn that off more than the 2 audio sources one but i already tried researching how and its not possible with my means#i want to hear the notification sound but not at the cost of understanding what was just said on a video#especially if my hands are covered in paint and i cant rewind it#like i said. audio processing. often cant understand whats said under normal circumstances#suddenly lowering the volume makes it worse than having the notif and video play simultaneously#same with music and a video going. i dont wanna stop the vibe to play a video/short video/moment of video to bookmark the link#its not a phone ability issue bc i can play music while my battery-draining phone game plays!!#((usually dont tho bc i like the game music but if im playing while walking i need other music on even if its discordant))#((sometimes its not discordant which is fun))#oh correction before i post: i can usually understand whats said by understanding the other words spoken and mentally filling in the blanks#...for the words i missed. but when the audio goes to like 1% for a full like 5 seconds i miss an entire convo worth of audio#...on top of being pissed ab the audio being lowered for something easily filtered like a little 1 second chime#its hard enough to focus on what words people are speaking even face to face in person#im tired idk where im going w this now#ShitPost.exe#Cori.exe#seriously tho i love putting a song on repeat for hours and doing whatever. if i pause it its like. idk#in the middle of a shower. ur phone holds u at gunpoint to step out and take a shot of ketchup while u still got soap in ur eyes#then once u shoot the ketchup u can go back to showering and ur phone loses its ability to hold u at gunpoint.#like. i may not historically be opposed to a shot of ketchup for the meemz...#...but i dont want my shower interrupted at gunpoint by my phone to make me shoot ketchup...#...and then have to finish the shower with the taste of ketchup still lingering.#im tired i promise im not high thats just the best analogy for how wrong it feels to have to stop the music vibe thats been going for hours#man these tags went on longer than the post deserved and now im too tired to read what i wanted lmao#prob doesn't even make sense goOD NIGHT#delete later / /#((future cori can be the judge of that present cori is too tire))
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ok guys its not funny anymore when is d&p hard lauching im starting to getting anxious /hj
#this is mostly in jest bc idk if they will and im okay with that they do what they feel comfortable and their life is none of my business#but if they plan to. can they do it faster. had a moment rewatching BIG where it got to me... wow... theyve had something REALLY special#for 15 years huh. dan is finally living his truth and a life happier than before but during this journey he had phil at a such important#point of his life. they endured so much. and probably fucked up in between bc we humans arent perfect and thats ok we make mistakes even if#they might hurt the person we love but hey. they persevered and now are thriving even more than before#and i got so emotional like... dudes... i want to tell you both thru the means where is possible for me that im so proud and so happy#for you both and you work and your journey and for experiencing pure queer joy that all queer people deserve#BUT LIKE AS MUCH AS ALL OF IT IS OBVIOUS AND SERIOUSLY DONT EVEN NEED A VERBAL CONFIRMATION ITS CLEARLY AS ITS PRESENTED#IDK I FEEL LIKE THEY HARDLAUNCHING WOULD GIVE LIKE. A SENSE OF PERMISSION FOR ME.#LIKE HEY WERE CHOOSING OURSELVES TO TELL YOU THIS INFORMATION ABOUT OUR PRIVATE LIFE#AND NOW YOURE FREE TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE WANT TO HAVE A UPPERHAND ON THIS ON OUR PARASOCIAL RELATIONSHIP#SO ITS A BOUNDARY FOR US AND FOR YOU#AND ILL BE LIKE THANK YOU FOR THE PERMISSION. SO HAPPY FOR YOU MARRIAGE OF 15 YEARS#idk guys im weird i genuinely just like to treat celebrities like theyre just another human being i find while i go on about my day#it even took me a while to read phan rpf fics not bc i thought it was like OOOO PROBLEMATIQUE but bc i felt genuinely guilty even tho i#joined the phan bandwagon back in the day#i only let myself joke nowadays bc theyre more open and comfortable with it and such so like... i allowed myself for that and the jokes#but still. o|-< i get embarassed sometimes just bc theyve not publicaly disclosed what ARE they NOW (outside of all the soulmate metaphors)#its not a them problem tho its a me problem im too empathic for no reason#ANYWAYS SORRY FOR YAPPING ON THE TAGS CAN YOU TELL I MANAGED TO BUY MY ADHD MEDS AGAIN#j.txt
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