#still like. stressed . esp about the apartment and like. life circumstances

[lordsardine]

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[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 24)

Hello, friends. The story is rapidly approaching an end. I imagine I'll only be posting for another couple weeks (maybe three at the most) before this essay draws to a close.

Last night we wrapped up the Time Travel Arc. Now we return to the larger parent arc, the Escape Arc. Mikan has made up her mind to escape the school with her mother, and although this breaks Natsume's heart, he'll do all he can to get her out safely without at all complaining. If she's leaving for good, then the only thing that matters to him for the next little bit is keeping her as safe as possible. After that, he's resigned himself to a lonely and imminent death... And then Mikan has an epiphany.

Chapter One Hundred Twenty-Four

They’re finally all back in the present. The room they left is now empty, and they wonder what happened. Undoubtedly the situation is more pressing than ever.

Mikan is concerned about everyone’s safety, but Natsume makes it clear that the priority is making sure she can make it out of the academy with her mother. If she’s going to leave, then he will do everything he can to make sure the process goes as smoothly and safely for her as possible. Her concerns about everyone else have no place here when everyone’s dreams and futures are threatened by the ESP if he ever gets his hands on Mikan’s alices. Besides, his happiness and safety always come dead last to him. He’d act and speak this way, even if it was only Mikan’s well-being on the line.

He will protect her no matter what happens, he says. That’s his priority. This is no different than the way he’s been living for the last year or so.

Yeah, there's the whole thing with the school and protecting the student body and stopping the ESP but Mikan is his priority always.

Everyone else agrees, and Mikan is outvoted. She comes first now.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Seven

Mikan and her friends run into a horde of students, either controlled by Luna’s alice or afraid that they’ll end up being controlled or punished. They all move to attack Mikan in particular, to capture her because maybe they’ll even be rewarded for it.

This is a mistake, because Natsume will not allow anything to happen to her. He uses his alice to fend off the students, but his fire takes a strange shape, unlike anything he’s ever made before. His ability to manipulate the shape better than ever is a result of the stone Mikan inserted into him, which Tsubasa theorizes is psychokinesis.

Ruka pleads with him to stop, concerned about Natsume’s health the more he uses his alice. He immediately stops on the behest of his best friend, but then he uses his new alice to pull everyone over closer to him. Mikan specifically flies into his arms, where he wanted her. He’s able to catch her, whereas the others land on their heads. Now that they’re safer, he tells her to teleport them.

Who cares where the rest of them land? They can deal with it on their own.

Tsubasa comments that this extra power makes Natsume feel like more of a man, more powerful. This isn’t a farfetched theory. We know how much Natsume wants to grow up, to have power. Now that he has this extra alice, he’s more useful than he already was, and that naturally translates into some extra confidence.

Another thing is that Natsume is putting his all into getting Mikan out safe. He’s willing to expend all his energy and alice in order to accomplish his goal. Adding on to that, he knows he won’t see her again after this. He can hold on for a little longer, but to survive the unknowable amount of years before he can see her again? Unlikely. He doubted he’d even be able to graduate, let alone be on standby for possibly a decade and maybe even more. He has no reason to believe he’ll make it. So he keeps her close now. He’ll be right by her side ‘til the very end, take advantage of every touch and interaction he can. So even if everyone else collapses onto the ground after he uses his extra alice, Mikan will land safely in his arms.

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Nine

Natsume may have spared Nobara earlier, but he still doesn’t really trust her. She’s been acting weird this whole time and he’s suspicious. When they have a moment, he confronts her, warning her that if she sells them out to Persona, he won’t go easy on her. After all, to him, she’s still the girl who’s always been Persona’s little pet.

But Nobara doesn’t want to sell them out. She wants to stop Persona and her DA friends from hurting the cause and themselves. She wants to stop them so they don’t become a part of the fight.

She stands back so she doesn’t teleport again with the rest of them. She wants to do this for Mikan.

Mikan doesn’t understand. She’s concerned that she left Nobara behind, so she says she’ll go back to get her, but Natsume stops her. She needs to allow Nobara to make her own choice. Even if Mikan doesn’t get it, the only thing that matters is their original mission. Nothing will change that. He won’t be strayed from it, no matter what obstacles come their way. Nobara made the choice, and she’s the best person to confront the DA class. The rest of them should allow her to do as she wants.

They move forward, and Natsume keeps back when he feels his coughing fit coming on. Now that everything is dire, he definitely doesn’t want to slow things down by worrying people with his body. He worries that he won’t be able to properly protect Mikan, considering the shape he’s in, but he would never say that out loud.

Death creeps ever closer... Why isn't he ever concerned for himself?

Even more, Nobara stressed before she left that Natsume was the most important person to stay by Mikan's side, that he should protect her to the end. Though he wouldn't be so bold to say that about himself, he wants to stay 'til the end. But the fact that he might die at any moment doesn't reassure him. However, any insecurities or fears he has must stay in his mind. He wants to be strong for Mikan, to accomplish their goal and keep her safe. He’s pushed any and all feelings of his own out the window. All that matters is their goal.

He can die afterwards.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Four

Mikan needs to go to her mother. She and Ruka are to teleport to Yuka, since Ruka has the barrier alice and he can keep her safe. The rest of them are going to hold off the Fuukitai and other enemies. There’s really no time for heartfelt goodbyes. Natsume might never see Mikan again, but he turns away because there’s no time for anything else. He will fight off the enemies to keep her safe. That’s what he can do. Anything else will just waste precious time.

Except that Mikan has the telepathy alice now. She’s mostly kept it a secret, sharing it with Hotaru and nobody else.

Natsume can stay silent all he wants, but his heart and mind are racing with thoughts and feelings. She couldn’t ignore it if she wanted to. It’s not the time to be lollygagging. She has to get going, and everyone is urging her to move on and teleport with Ruka, but she’s hesitating.

And then Natsume hears it too. She’s saying it back, telepathically, that she loves him too.

Terrible timing, Mikan. You had all night to say it back! (joking)

It’s all he’s never allowed himself to want to hear. Something that would only happen in a delusional fantasy world. Mikan may care about him, to some degree, but he’d never expected she would love him back. She should love Ruka, who is kind and polite, or literally anybody else. He’s always had to push her away, and even if she saw through his insults to see what he really meant, he still wouldn’t be good enough. He can’t be with her, because his life is running out. He shouldn’t be with her, because all he will do is cause her more pain. He’ll never be with her, because he doesn’t deserve to be. He won’t be with her, because she’s running away with her mother and he’ll never see her again.

But she loves him too anyway.

Despite every insult and attempt to keep his distance. Despite their beginnings of mutual disdain. Despite how he’s said he hated everything about her, about how he wanted her out of his sight. Despite acting like she was a pest and nothing more than an annoyance. Despite everything he did, she somehow still loves him.

It’s the worst thing to ever happen to him, to stand there and hear her saying that in his mind and then watch her disappear forever.

He’s said it out loud only one time. He confessed with his kiss at Christmas, with his alice stone, with the borrowing race, with his speech to the ESP. He’s confessed with every time he got in front of her to protect her, with every cruel word forced out of him by the higher ups, with every smile he had just for her.

Now she finally said it back and it’s too late for anything. He can’t kiss her and show her how much he means it, how much it isn’t just hype over nothing. He can’t tell her he loves her to her face and with his whole chest. He can’t take her by the hand and run away with her. He can’t live happily ever after with her.

That was all okay before, when it was just him who was suffering. So his life would be lonely and short. Okay. Who cares? But now he knows she wants all that too.

He’s miserable. He calls out to her but it’s too late. She’s gone now and all he can do is fight the enemies who want to threaten her security.

Natsume has been left behind with Tono and Tsubasa to fight as hard as they can against the Fuukitai. When they finally get away for a moment, Tono tells them to fight for the girls they love. Tsubasa and Natsume both berate him for this, because who was he talking about? Tono argues it wasn’t about him; he was just trying to cheer the two up after they had to break apart from their girls.

Natsume is clearly in emotional turmoil, but he frequently is, so he doesn’t let it show a lot. He may threaten Tono with his alice or tease him with Tsubasa like all is normal, but it’s not. His current circumstances couldn’t be any worse unless Mikan were in danger, and he’s doing everything he can to keep that from happening.

Tono finally admits that he’s been nervous this whole time because Noda is probably the traitor among them, but Natsume realizes the truth: It’s Goshima.

Tsubasa and Tono are going to try and find Goshima, who has the key Yuka and Mikan need to escape. They also need someone to go and tell them that Goshima can’t be trusted, and Tono wants Natsume to do it.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Five

Tono is urging Natsume to go and tell Mikan about Goshima, to go protect her. Naturally, he doesn’t hesitate before taking off. Any excuse to see her again and keep her safe is enough for him.

Tsubasa doesn’t understand why Tono sent him off, though, since Natsume is in such bad shape. Having him run and exert himself further seems wrong.

I just want him to be happy. Is that really so much to ask?

Tono puts it all into perspective. It had to be Natsume. The kid was in a state of absolute misery, even knowing his love is requited and perhaps because of it. He can never see Mikan again. His life will end. The rest of them can talk about decades and decades into the future and still be sure that they will meet Mikan again, but it’s clear that Natsume won’t make it that far. As Tono puts it, it’s important that Natsume has a chance to see her for the last time, to say good-bye properly.

Natsume would go to her no matter what, too, and he does, running with all his might to find her, even though he’s coughing and his body is breaking.

He will use his alice and do anything he can to find her and tell her and keep her safe, and they finally meet again.

He’s standing over the bodies of enemies that he’s just defeated for her, and he finally has a chance to say the good-bye he thought he’d never get.

There are other things that need to be said, but he might not have a chance to say his feelings again if he doesn’t take the opportunity now. He’s sad, because no matter what, their story will end soon. But this is more than he could’ve asked for.

But all of the words that should come out of his mouth don’t. He doesn’t talk about the traitor. He doesn’t tell her he loves her to her face. He doesn’t say anything except her name. None of the feelings he has can be put into words. For the moment he’s speechless.

She is too. She rushes into his arms and they share a quick second of holding each other before they inevitably part forever. The fact that she hugs him might have reminded him that she loves him too. Then again, how could he forget? Either way, he finds the words that were lost to him before.

He’s going to stay with her until the very last second. He won’t leave her or part from her for even a moment again until they have to say good-bye for good.

No, they won't last. She'll leave and he'll die, but they have this moment, even if it's the only thing they'll ever have.

No, he doesn’t mention the traitor even though he was sent to. Natsume very rarely talks about his feelings, but they felt so important this time that he had to say them out loud.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Six

Even though Natsume didn’t say it to Mikan, Shiki got the information from him via telepathy and then conveyed the information to Yuka.

Now that Yuka and Mikan are reunited, they can all go to see them off, fighting Fuukitai and Luna along the way. Narumi and Mikan are trapped in an enemy’s ice alice for a moment, until Natsume melts the ice and takes Mikan’s hand. He wasn’t joking about staying by her side until the very end.

Until the very last moment.

Sure, she needed to reunite with her mother and Narumi, but they’ll be spending forever with her after this night. He only has these next few minutes. He’ll be the one to take her by the hand until he has no choice but to let go. Until then, he will stay by her side.

Lucky for them, Yuka’s plan to wait until the last moment for the key so they can leave with Naru panned out. “Tsubasa” arrives with the key and hands it off. There’s no time to waste; Yuka rushes to open the warp-hole but all that comes from it is an explosion.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Seven

Yuka and Narumi were caught in the blast. Yuka shielded Narumi with her body and took the brunt of the hit. She’s now in critical condition.

No hesitation. That's his only keepsake from his mother, his only reprieve from endless pain, but he'll give it Yuka because he can't not give it to her.

Natsume doesn’t hesitate, and he gives Mikan the healing alice stone that his mother got from Yuka. Yuka is Mikan’s mother. Her death would be crushing for Mikan, who’s already had to face so much trauma from watching her father die too. This all was about getting Mikan and Yuka out safely, and all that effort would be in vain if Yuka dies. And after Natsume has seen everything that happened in the past, he respects Yuka too. All Yuka has ever done is suffer, just like he has. To simply die after all that--he doesn’t want that either. Yuka gave his mother that alice stone, something that brought him a little reprieve whenever he had a coughing fit or felt ill. The least he can do now is give it back.

But it doesn’t work. It’s not enough. Yuka has enough time before her death to hug Mikan and apologize to Luna, but then her heart stops.

Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Eight

The ESP arrives to break the period of mourning. Luna can’t believe that he would orchestrate this, but it’s not much of a surprise to anyone else. The “Tsubasa” decoy reveals himself to be Goshima, who holds Mikan by the wrists. The ESP only needed one person with the stealing alice. Yuka had become extendable, so he eliminated her.

Goshima goes to surrender Mikan to the ESP, but she fights, and Natsume moves to fight too, because that’s his girlfriend and he promised he would keep her safe. But the ESP always has the barrier alice cast on him, always protected, even from Natsume’s strong alice. Even Natsume can’t help Mikan now.

But Shiki breaks the ESP’s barrier and Mikan rushes to her friends’ side.

Z is invading the school and threatening to take the students captive. The MSP needs her successor, Shiki to be appointed so that he can protect the school with his barrier alice. The ESP is in a bind. Shiki can either run away with Mikan as Yuka had intended to, or he will agree to stay and act as the MSP to protect the school.

Conclusion

God this arc is a mess when all you want are the NM moments. How dare they be so scattered! Anyways, Natsume now knows that Mikan loves him too, romantically, but everything has been upside down for a while, specifically tonight, so the future doesn't look bright. In the next part, we'll talk about how Natsume feels about being separated from Mikan when she's locked away.

Sorry this is late. I'm not in a fantastic mood today which affected my motivation. I shoved a bunch of content in here and it might be too much. I don't know. There wasn't a clear way I could cut it into multiple parts without them being choppy and short as hell. I just wanted to get to the next part because this arc was stressing me out.

In any case, I feel like crap right now emotionally, because this day was very draining. I'll try to post tomorrow at a reasonable time. Thank you for reading.

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[realmzenith]

answer All the questions for your newest oc

DEAD U HAD TO ASK FOR NEWEST DIDN’T YOU. welp in that case have ya boi eneko

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?he’s a patient dude! eneko can likely sit still doing nothing for as long as his physiology will allow aka until he needs to go to the bathroom or smth. he does well w low activity as he’s an introspective person

How easy is it for your character to laugh?FAIrly easy?? on a level of one to ten w one being laughs at anything that moves or doesn’t move i’d say he’s a.. 6. ok so not that easily like he IS fairly taciturn but he will smile and laugh at a good joke esp if he’s comfy around the person making it

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)by crying- no jk he doesn’t… cry… emotions? what are those??? (thats a lie he’s an emotional mess) he will plan for the next day, strategizing and such but that’s honestly rlly bad for him. he stresses easily. on nights when he’s got a clearer head he’ll hum softly or read if he’s not feeling too guilty abt burning off candles. he does like night walks they always clear his mind

How easy is it to earn their trust?oh oof that’s a tricky one. not that easy but at the same time- OKAy yeah just not that easily from one being the easiest to ten being the hardest he’s likely a 8

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?VERY hard. once you’ve gained his trust he will be LOYAL af to u eneko is quiet n not the most expressive but he will absolutely go down in flames for someone he’s deemed trustworthy. a solid 9. 

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?laws are flexible defo. he PREFERS structure but if morality trumps laws he will break them. it also helps that he’s lowkey part of a rebellion so technically his existence in the present is breaking the law

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?god save us all. he’s a nostalgic dude so uh, oh damn i dont have backstory for him yet i made him last night rainy stop bullying me but ykw we’re doing this. flowers defo. queen anne’s lace n bluebells esp? bring back memories n also pumpkin stew. mixed memories w that one. queen anne’s lace mean sanctuary n bluebells mean gratitude which is LOWKEY ironic considering they spawn memories of burning along w memories of his older sisters so yes?? he does like remembering his sisters but no not in that context. the stew is a weird reminder of his first love n that’s. also complicated 

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?talk more and talk better. he’s got a bit of habit of being short abt things and the middle sister of the fam was ALWAYS getting on his case abt no u can’t word it like that but the eldest was and is a terrible influence n absolutely encouraged it bc she found it hilarious. it’s good they love each other i swear

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?yes he’s part of a rebellion and a soldier what more do u eXPECt and no he doesn’t remember his first swear word. he also doesn’t curse that much dont get me wrong. he has to be comfy around u

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?gosh uh. eneko is still v underdeveloped so i .. WELL I CANNOt tell u in the present it’s prbly smth angsty involving his sisters or his lovER but the answer to does it haunt him? yes absolutely he must Suffer :)

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?it depends on the situation’s levity. if it’s smth important he will absolutely bluntly ask for clarification if it’s smth casual he’ll just nod and pretend like he knows what ur talkin abt bc social anxiety is a b

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?Suffer in Silence

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?he doesn’t rlly think abt this. he likes green tho but he wears a lot of black (that’s partially required by his associations and partially bc idk what other colors exist thanks @ god) he looks best in hmmm red

What animal do they fear most?himSELF 

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?he’s usually fairly forthright so he sounds like he’s saying whatever comes to mind but the reality is he says abt 1% of what he’s thinking and he won’t say things that are quite obviously rude. who knows tbh maybe he gains secret enjoyment from watching ppl squirm under his bluntness eyes emoji

What makes their stomach turn?torture n he hates the sight of bones. blood he can stand but bones? no thanks. unfort in the business they’re in he comes across both of those more than he’d like. he also hates working in the theoretical. it’s unnerving but he’s fine if someone he trusts is wading thru the abstract for him aka thank u @ kent for being the resident intuitive 

Are they easily embarrassed?nah not particularly 

What embarrasses them?if u slap his BUTT in public jkjk i mean that would embarrass him if u caught him by surprise but hmmm he doesn’t like attention if u draw attention to him he’ll freak a lil that would fluster him also excessive praise esp if it’s expressed publicly. he squirms beneath the spotlight

What is their favorite number?19. day of the month he last saw his sisters smiling

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?he’d prbly say smth deep which i cannot truly replicate but prbly smth like. “familial love is steady. it’s the mountain beneath which u were born. it’s the protection n the stability n the impossible sheer volume of it that can’t quite be comprehended. platonic love is like cords linking u to them. it’s the promise, the assurance of i will pull u up if u fall and if i can’t ill fall w u. it’s a tug o war and an anchor. romantic love is a stallion. it’s the passion and the chance but if u know how to tame it it serves to make u a better man than u could ever become on ur own. it’s the teamwork and the flames”

Why do they get up in the morning? to execute justice and to experience each new precious day he’s been gifted

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? it’s ugly when jealousy rears its head in him. he doesn’t SAY anything but his actions become more erratic and he has a harder time focusing. it’s likely he’ll become more impulsive. he’s not DANGEROUs per se but it’s not a situation u want him in

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? envy he’s better about. mostly bc unlike w jealousy he doesn’t already have the thing. it’s smth he’ll just push down and soldier thru like he does w most uncomfy things in his life

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? oh MY GOD DONT TALK ABT SEX that’s SCANDALOUS- the answer is no he finds it unprofessional in his line of work but he would be comfortable discussing it w his s/o

What are their thoughts on marriage? good. he approves. however, for himself he finds the prospect unlikely considering the high risk nature of what he’s involved himself w. he expects to die before 35 in all seriousness

What is their preferred mode of transportation? in the sweet embrace of death horseback

What causes them to feel dread? the knowledge that everything’s falling apart. that fate and circumstance are slowly but surely chipping away at the very foundation of what u live for and there’s absolutely nothing u can do to stop it. also freaking the appearance of the antagonist or his minions

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? in theory? no. in practice? he’s actually p sensitive that’s a difficult one to answer. it would greatly depend on the circumstance but in the long run he prefers the truth

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? yes but in his own eyes, no. he holds himself to extremely high standards and is very self critical. also he has rlly unachievable ideals he’s a lil bit idealistic beneath the guise of realism

Who do they most regret meeting? ohohOHO jk i have no idea not there yet in the story but prbly the antagonist he’s a b

Who are they the most glad to have met? funnily enough? he could almost say the antagonist. he’s the reason why eneko’s working as hard as he is for what he is. without the introduction of the antagonist he would’ve been oblivious to the terrible injustice around him and likely ended up a victim by some obscure mindless death order. however the person he truly admires is the rebel member who took him under her wing however she’s still in the works so i can’t give u much on her

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? i don’t think so, no

Could they be considered lazy? NOPE not in any sense of the word. eneko works extremely hard. he’s v dedicated n dutiful

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? oh, very hard. he’s naturally altruistic so he tends to take failures to heart and internalize them and considering the dangerous line of work he’s in he oftens has guilt building up inside him. he’ll likely carry it w him for the rest of his life once he’s decided to be guilty abt smth. if someone doesn’t help him w it it can break him down in ugly ways

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? yes!! he’s a pure son. you’ll definitely get a smile out of him if smth good has happened to u. he’s very supportive of his friends. he would die for his friends and likely all of u i just want u all to know this 

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?neither. he finds seeking romance irresponsible w his lifestyle. as i previously stated he expects to die young

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? he has fairly good memory esp w faces! but otherwise? i would say he learns best by touch. he’s a tactile person and also fairly auditory. music defo helps him remember things

What memory do they revisit the most often? prbly the day he separated from his sisters. it’s not a particularly good memory but it’s seared in his mind

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? he doesn’t ignore ppl’s flaws per se? he’s p perceptive so it’s difficult for him to just turn a blind eye at least within his own mind but eneko is v tolerant of ppl and accepting. even if he dislikes u it’s doubtful you’ll know he’s fairly good at keeping up the same respect for most everyone he comes in contact w. but yeah? he knows what flaws are there but he will simply accept ppl bc he knows everyone, including himself, esp himself, has many flaws

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?oh oof yeah he’s?? a p sensitive guy so while he recognizes his own faults jabs to his weak spots will hurt him and he’ll prbly sit on the accusation or callout for days esp if someone accuses him of being selfish or immoral or not having done enough for the ppl he cares abt (smth along those lines) he’d absolutely hate that. but if u tell him he’s blunt he’s going to be like im well aware of that

How do they feel about children? he’s SUCH A DAD he loves kids and he’s rlly good w them they love him bc he’s SOFT ok but he doesn’t plan on having them himself even tho he’d like to for the exact same reasons he isn’t pursuing romance/marriage

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? enough that he’d die to reach it

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?eneko is either demi or grasexual w pan preferences. he’s also panromantic. if someone asked for explanation he’d be like “i’m attracted to people of all genders” and just leave it at that unless ofc they were like RLLY curious or smth but he doesn’t rlly consider himself demi or pan or anything he just knows he isn’t straight LOL

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?…strong silent type. that’s all i have to sayB) What inspired you to create them?i’ve taken some inspiration from other characters from shows, etc. i’ve written so he’s a bit of a love child of the best of my musesC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?im still figuring it out so that’s a probable yesD) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?he’s been edited a bit there were a few reincarnations of him like at first he had straight black hair in an undercut style but now it’s WAVY and dark brown and he also got darker. id say he’s like latino w a lil african blood this is esp amusing considering i literally created him last nightE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?i think we’d get along alright if we could get past the initial awkwardness bc we’re both kind of crap at interpersonal relationships actually he isn’t that bad it’s mostly me and i THINK he might find me slightly abrasive n energetic (even tho im PLOT TWIST low energy compared to most extroverts) but he’s tolerant it wouldn’t be too badF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?love…. i love my soft boi i usually hate my ocs aka i would slap them if given the chance but eneko? deserves happinessG) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?he is not real in general and non existent in actual writing as of the present. the latter tragedy i will soon solve. in all seriousness it’s prbly his bluntness it has the tendency to give me second hand embarrassmentH) What trait do you admire most?his tolerance and patience i have none loLI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?for now, yes! i dont have a solid grasp of him so until then he’ll stay where he was BIRTHEDJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly! the entire story he’s in is still in the works so everything’s rlly flexible

[wayvshop]

I’m responding a hundred years later but I am back🙃

Honestly thank you, I didn’t really know if you would still want to chat because of the circumstances but I’m really glad I can still talk to you. You’re always so kind and it feels nice to just express my thoughts without getting judged.

I am doing well...kinda stressed because of exams but a little longer and I should be free😂 I realise I haven’t actually told you anything about me at all...sooo euhm basically I have a confusing situation where I’m not in school anymore but I haven’t gone to university either because I wanted to focus on other things for the time being. Currently I’m finishing up some things which aren’t very interesting and If everthing goed according to plan, I will start fashion school and a course digital marketing after the summer. And I also have to get my license which is long overdue but that’s a headache in itself so we’ll not talk about that😂 The only thing that’s keeping me sane at the moment is watching kdramas at 2 am😂 😂apart from that I really wanna get back into painting but I don’t really have the time for it so we’ll see...oh you told me to update you about my tutoring job and yeah that didn’t really work out...And that’s it I guess, I certainly don’t have the most interesting life😂

And how are you?(I am writing this a month after our last convo so I’ll ask again😂) I hope you’re healthy and happy!! you know I heard about mystic messenger but I never ended up getting into it, how is it? Should I try it out? -🎀anon

I'm 🤧🤧🤧 I'm really glad you feel that way and I'm able to give a little outlet for you ( and anyone else).

Ooh sounds like you're pretty busy?? Hopefully everything calms down soon for you or you're at least able to relax/enjoy yourself! But fashion AND digital marketing 👀👀👀👀 that's a very interesting combo, feel free to tell me more about it? That might be a bit vague lolol I just don't know much about how the two correlate or at least the fashion side of it but I'd love to still listen/read if you ever need/want to rant about it~

I entirely relate on the license 😔😔 I was supposed to finish up last may/summer but covid kind of interfered and so now I'll probably restart this summer

Painting???? That's lovely! What have you painted if you don't mind me asking? And I hope that you'll be able to find time to enjoy it again soon~ ooh that's too bad, maybe something will come up later (but I certainly wouldn't say your life isn't interesting, altho that might just be me)

I'm good! I've had a bit of trouble with college lately but it seems to have cleared up so that's good. I've also gotten into apex legends thanks to all the vtubers I've been watching lately lmao.

As for mystic messenger,,, personally I enjoy it! The storyline is intriguing and the characters have super different personalities, I finished my first route a while back and the ending felt incomplete or at least where I wanted a more finalized end but that might be because I didn't open the after end story (if that makes sense 😂)

I'd recommend trying it out when you're not too busy! The chats are real time so it's easy to miss them (esp since they also happen in the middle of the night, hence why I'm waiting for break before starting another lol)

But ahhh it was lovely hearing from youuu I hope you're drinking plenty of water and taking time to rest!!!

[thisnerdsadventures]

this summer

I just wrapped up my internship and established that i really liked my team this summer! We played Among Us on my last day for like two or three hours and it involved a lot of screaming and betrayal. I am so blessed to have spent two summers in a row with two really great teams who I had so much fun with. I’m sure that if I was in person, I’d have had even more fun with them, so hopefully I can go back :) I also lowkey committed to New York, so that’s kind of locked in now, so maybe part of it also me mentally committing to liking my team because at this point I don’t have as much of a choice LOL

I only posted a few times this summer because there was honestly a lot going on outside my internship. Actually, my internship was the only part of my summer that went well consistently, without a lot of ups and downs. Everything else???? absolutely a mess. I’ll share a bit of a rundown of all the shit that went on [warning major depressing shit goes down lol, it is a lot, but dw! it turns out ok :) Honestly posting this so that one day I can look back at this and remember how much I had to overcome and also reflect on what I was able to achieve in my internship despite the circumstances.]

June

June 1st started out already disappointing when I didn’t get grad housing. I was really banking on it, so I was really unsure as to what I was going to do, and it didn’t help that I had to wake up at 6am to enter the lottery. This started the apartment squad document, where I tried to convince several of my friends to room with me in an apartment. [start: bunker squad fiasco]

additionally, i was still working on this nonprofit called Amplify that my friends and I started. We were going really strong in April, but by June, we had run into some timing issues and I felt like all the time I had poured in doing development was going to waste. Thus commenced the anxiety related to this project. [start: nonprofit anxiety]

at around this time, we also had a lot of police brutality/racial justice things arise, and I was reading a lot and spending a lot of time on Twitter. My friends and I talked a lot about what was going on and how we felt powerless or struggled to have conversations with our families. [start: current events anxiety]

somewhere around this time, my internship started. It was a lot of figuring out expectations, setting up remote work environments. For some reason, I actually didn’t code until week 4 or 5, which was why i felt kind of discontent with what I had been accomplishing so far, and I was nervous I wouldn’t get anything done. Throughout this, I was struggling a lot with keeping up motivation through the day, esp when I had 3-4 hour blocks of meetings in the mornings and waking up at 8am, courtesy of west coast time. A lot of my exhaustion was also attributed to housing drama in late june when i was trying to figure out whether my friends would commit to an apartment, and what the chances of them returning to campus were. [continue: bunker squad fiasco]

i think the pandemic quarantine isolation caught up to me and my friends because everyone was struggling on a personal level and it leaked a lot into how we interacted with each other. so a couple of us got in a fight and we had to split up the group for two weeks, and I got really frustrated wondering if any one of my friend groups would ever stick together, especially when I kept getting put in the middle. [start: friend drama] Around this time, my parents were pushing me to apply to grad school when I really didn’t want to, and it got to the point where I had to pay for the GRE, and then I simply decided to /not/. [start: home drama]

July

Trying to work my 9-5 job with this (gestures vaguely to the aforementioned) was difficult, and in early july, we had to deal with the impending MIT announcement of whether they would let students back to campus [start: MIT plan anxiety]. Our (aka my) housing plans [re: bunker squad fiasco] were contingent upon these plans. Somewhere in this, Harvard leaked their decision and said they basically weren’t letting seniors back, which threw me into a loop, and the next day, our school said they were only letting seniors back onto campus for the fall, and unless something changed, they wouldn’t be let back for the spring. Moreover (super shit for me), offcampus seniors wouldn’t be let back onto campus. [bunker squad fiasco explodes in my face. end: bunker squad fiasco, start: solo housing spiral] So tl;dr everyone was screaming and sad for like two days, and then we just had to deal with it and adjust.

The good news was that more of my friends decided to go back to campus, but on my end, I was stressed out of my mind for the next week trying to figure out housing on my end. I was super nervous that I wouldn’t be able to find an apartment if everyone was going to try to live offcampus in Boston/Cambridge for the fall, so I frantically tried to find a place. [continue: solo housing spiral] I ended up finding a place within a few days, mostly out of panic, but also playing the “sometimes you gotta make a move and deal with the consequences later” card. 

It was mid-July, so it was also one of my best friend’s birthdays, so a bunch of us stayed up to plan her birthday gift. I timed everything super well so that the art would be done by Friday afternoon, FedEx booklet would print on Friday night, so I could put it together and send it Saturday morning, so it would deliver Tuesday. That was one of the bright spots of my summer. There is truly nothing better than putting in the work for someone or something you love.

In classic quarantine fashion, I strung together a stable 48 hours before I had a huge mood landslide and then got triggered by another conversation until I decided to ghost everyone and go to the beach. Watched the sand and the waves. Felt a little better.

And then things got worse, and I got in a nasty fight with one of my friends [continue: friend drama], and my dad told me to give up on the nonprofit [continue: home drama], and then everything kind of exploded in mid/late July, but then my other friends tried to make me feel a little better. Throughout this whole ordeal of a summer, my friends really were the only thing that were keeping me afloat, just through checking in, surprising me with boba, and keeping me laughing with conversations joking about anything and everything, from backyards to Rhodes scholarships. 

August

AUGUST. was a mess. An entire mess. It started off with when I cracked under some more friend drama and unresolved old drama and then I decided I could not handle it anymore. It spiraled very quickly and blew up into flames and then the flames lit on fire tl;dr. [continue: friend drama, but abysmally bad] My anxiety was sky high this entire week, so my productivity hit near zero and my sleep hit near zero. Around this time, a lot of schools were also either exhibiting huge spikes in COVID or were outright cancelling campus returns, so we all had to hold our breath, praying that our school wouldn’t backtrack. [continue: MIT plan anxiety] I would’ve broken my lease.

Something interesting that happened this summer was that I think I actually started subscribing to journaling and being in tune with my inner spiritual self. I keep thinking to myself “this is some hippie shit”, but when I was at my lowest, the only thing that really kept bringing me solace was the words and poems that my friend recommended to me. When every day seemed impossible to get through and when every waking moment was filled to the brim with anxiety and instability, I had these words and my friends checking in on me.

I slowly started finding a little more peace in my life, but felt, for a lack of a better term, bored? But I called my friends a lot, I distracted myself with Model UN things, I started recruiting. I made it to mid-August. and then I got kicked in the face by more friend drama repeatedly for an entire week, and hit absolute rock bottom where it became difficult to not only get through days, but even hours, as I got friend broken up with..... somehow twice in a week! [continue: friend drama, but got even worse] The nonprofit team essentially put stuff on hold to reevaluate what we were doing. [continue: nonprofit anxiety].

From the friend drama spawned a lot of anxiety about the fall [start: fall anxiety]. At this point, a lot of the rules started popping up about offcampus/oncampus rules and campus access, and I started recognizing the need to get campus access, for my own mental health and easier life things in the fall. So thus commenced my long struggle to get campus access via my PI, which was like 12983192839182 oz of stress on top of what was already a very stressful existence. [continue: fall anxiety]. Also was fully in recruiting season at this point. Also was getting anxiety not knowing where my on-campus possessions were. [continue: fall anxiety] Also was unsure as to whether I had a lease or not because the guy never emailed me back? [continue: solo housing spiral] I had never felt such stress and anxiety levels before.

September

This brings us to the last week of my internship (early September). At this point, August had really brought to my knees. My friends were moving back to campus and I was fully prepared to have soul crushing FOMO for the next two weeks. I think I shitposted on my main “god I wish something would go right for once.”

And all of a sudden.... things started to go right. By some act of God, the friend drama magically dissipated into thin air [end (for now): friend drama], and everything was normal again. I got campus access, which means I can see my friends and play tennis with them and work in lab every now and then [end (some): fall anxiety]. My RLAD confirmed that my belongings still exist. My apartment was indeed still my apartment, they just didn’t send the lease documents to the right email [end (to an extent): solo housing spiral]. My internship ended up really well and I vibed really well with my team. Recruiting had been going well for me and I was getting positive results. I just bought some furniture today for my apartment. Sure, some things are still in the air, like the nonprofit thing that never got resolved and also general fall anxiety about timing my furniture deliveries and timing my COVID tests, but six days out of arriving in Boston for the fall, and things are really looking up. 

Somehow things just..... worked out. I’m honestly shocked my internship actually ended up going really well because my life was an absolute mess this summer lol. lessons learned here are that i ended up hitting rock bottom and i found peace in words and my friends, and my relentless pivoting and crashing through obstacles ended up working out and the decisions i made along the way maybe weren’t the best ones, but they’ll suffice to get me where i want to go, or at least to the place i think i need to go.

anyways, i’m going back to campus in a few weeks, so I’ll continue with semester 5.1!