#still in grad school until next may

[moonstonejpg]

yapping about being a speech path below!!

here’s a fun fact about speech-language pathology: my scope of practice covers nine (!!!) different domains

augmented alternative communication

fluency

voice

language

articulation

hearing

swallowing

cognition

social aspects of communication

so while i dooooo help with speech sounds, i can also help with all of that! it’s pretty damn cool if ya ask me

[superiorsturgeon]

out of curiosity, why do you like sturgeons so much?

A chance to info dump about my favorite fish…?!

I grew up in the Great Lakes area of North America, where fishing is pretty popular but everyone knows that fish populations aren’t anything like “the good old days” when people took out huge numbers of fish while messing up their spawning sites. I got pretty into fishing when I found out that I could catch bluegill in the surrounding farm ponds, and once in a while my family took me to an isolated fishing cabin for vacation, but for years I never encountered a wild fish bigger than a kilogram or two.

BUT THEN…

I found out about sturgeon! They were HUGE fish that had once lived in the rivers and lakes all around my home, and better yet, fish almost exactly like modern sturgeon had existed all the way back in the Cretaceous period alongside the dinosaurs, and they STILL EXIST TODAY!!! The fact that small numbers of these huge dinosaur fish still existed made them seem almost like a real-life lake monster/cryptid, except that we had proof of their existence!

Furthermore, there’s just nothing else like them. Sturgeon get big. Like, REALLY big. The record for the largest sturgeon was almost 11 meters/24 feet long, which is colossal for freshwater animals. They have armor plates of bone running down their sides, and at the same time they don’t have bony skeletons. They also have a crazy mouth structure, which allows them to actually pop their jaws out like a tube and suck up food. And on top of all of this, the adults are absolute tanks. I’ve seen skin nearly 8mm thick, and it’s so tough that people make leather out of it, and they occasionally lose fins or even entire gill plates and just keep on swimming! (I found out about that last one when I tried to wrestle a big female out of a river and my hand went straight into her gills. She didn’t seem that bothered by it!)

For a long time I filed sturgeon along with Alligator Gar, Giant Mekong catfish, and Yangtze paddlefish as a semi-legendary fish that may still exist, but I was never going to see except possibly in an aquarium, until I enrolled in graduate school. For those unfamiliar with grad school in the US, it typically involves both high-level classes as well as an independent research project the student designs and carries out with help from an experienced professor. When my mentor asked what kind of thing I wanted to study, I tossed out “sturgeon” as one such possibility, expecting to hear that I would probably have to limit myself to more common/accessible species.

I was blown away when she said “Actually, I think I know a guy…”

For the next several years, I got to ride along collecting wild adult sturgeon, gathering eggs, and raising the baby fish in a lab and in a hatchery. I was holding something that I had thought of as a semi-mythical lake/river monster in my own hands! I got to see a river choked with giants as big as 2 meters long, and I got to hold a 5-centimeters mottled baby whose armored scutes were still sharp and possessed the little arrowhead shape and big black pectoral fins that remind me of Mickey Mouse ears! In the video below you can even see a little heartbeat! (Don’t worry, this little guy was returned to the tank soon after to recover from his anesthesia!)

Sadly, I didn’t find anything super groundbreaking in my research, but my experience DID land me a job working in sturgeon aquaculture! If you’ve ever had caviar that wasn’t poached, it probably came from a sturgeon farm, and if you want to see a lot of big fish up close, this is a good place to do it! I probably personally handled more individual sturgeon than there are wild fish in several sturgeon species. In addition, while the wild broodstock I mentioned above might reach 2 meters and over 50kg, the sturgeon I dealt with at the farm would easily double that, and there were a LOT of them! I got to see sturgeon behavior that had never been recorded in field guides, and even a few crazy one-in-a-million mutations like the infamous “ghost” sturgeon!

I even got the opportunity to cook my own sturgeon meat (Yeah, I basically turned into the Touden siblings from Dungeon Meshi except for sturgeon instead of RPG monsters). I got pretty good at making smoked sturgeon, but the meat is also good on the grill or baked, and people have been cooking them in various ways for centuries.

My favorite part of the job was physically wrestling the big fish! Sturgeon are easier to grab than other fish with the right know-how, but a human-sized fish often has its own plans for the day and won’t always cooperate. I was pretty good at moving the adults by the time I left that job, but it was still a wild rodeo every time!

Even more exciting was how we spawned each new generation of sturgeon. In the wild, they form massive spawning runs in big rivers that in the past would be enough to tip small boats, but in a lab or farm we have to use other means. I’ll spare you the details, but I am one of a small number of people who have surgically extracted eggs from a live sturgeon and sutured them back up to swim another day.

The tldr of this essay is that sturgeon are a big, crazy-unique fish that have been around a long time, and I’ve spent a lot of my career handling and working with them. There’s just nothing like them for a fish nerd and they’re damn cool!

(Clip art not mine, I think @sturgeonposting drew or shared it!)

[hwaslayer]

wildfire (cs) | fifteen.

—spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: assistant professor in bioengineering, incredibly attractive, lonely and divorced; that’s how most people describe san. but despite the events that have happened in his life, san has a lot going for himself. he’s a successful, sought out professor due to his brilliant contributions to science at just an early age of 32. he worked hard to get where he was now; head deep into his research, his publications, building his lab and creating a name for himself. everything was good and smooth sailing— until it wasn’t. because when he meets you, a bioengineering grad student interested in rotating in his lab, he finds himself ready to risk all the blood, sweat and tears he put in throughout the years just to keep you close— his need for you spiraling out of control like a wildfire.

—pairing: asst. professor!choi san x grad student!f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, grad school au | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 6.6k

—chapter content/warnings: cussing/mature language, changes are happening??, namjoon again to the rescue, a bit of distant san 😔, a bit of yearning san ❤️‍🩹, alcohol consumption & intoxication, a very small kiss that was accidental and meant absolutely nothing, these two just 😞 over each other, some crying

—on rotation: next to you - bryson tiller | i'll be alright (tonight) - mura masa

Two months have passed, closer to 3, and you've been busy working your ass off in Namjoon's lab. You've brainstormed and came up with a project that Namjoon approved, giving you all the resources and space you needed to get started. You've also been working alongside a few people in the lab since their project was relatable to yours, finding guidance and a little bit of training and support to carry your project forward. It's been busy, and it's been a good busy.

It's been good enough to keep your mind off of San.

For the most part.

You could only avoid him so many times, and it's not like the ache you felt deep in your chest, your stomach, went away. It still lingers, and it still hits you from time to time.

And it doesn't make it any easier when you get reminders. 

Like meeting San's eyes across campus— only for him to break loose and shift his attention elsewhere.

The shift is a harsh, cold reminder that this may actually be over for good.

—FLASHBACK

"Hey." Sunwoo says, gently nudging you. "You okay? Haven't seen you in awhile?" You nod, half smiling before looking down at your laptop. 

"Was busy." You chuckle a bit. "Was working on the fine details of my rotation presentation, along with all the data analysis we worked on." You give him a small smile. "I came to clean out the last bits of my stuff."

"It'll all blow over." He says with a reassuring smile. "For the record, I don't think it really matters but I know Professor Kim is just trying to keep everything together before it all blows up again."

"Guessing the whole world knows now?" He shrugs.

"Maybe, maybe not. I haven't heard much lately, but you know me, I don't like to meddle in things like that in general. I keep outta that shit."

"People must think greatly of me." He chuckles.

"It doesn't matter what they think. In any case, you are a good person, you're super sweet and super smart. If they choose to fix on that, that's their issue."

"Thanks, Sunwoo." You look at him. "I'm sorry I won't be able to help you after this."

"That's okay. We'll still hang out and I'm sure we'll cross paths more before I finish up here. Plus, I love Professor Choi but having Professor Kim take you under his wing is fucking sick." You laugh, playfully shoving him.

"I don't know where this will take me, but I hope it works out."

"Are you two.. still a thing? Secret's safe with me. For real."

"I know. But, no."

"I don't know the ins and outs of what happened between you and Professor Choi, but I'm sure he did it for good reason. To also protect you."

"Yeah, maybe. Who knows anymore." You sigh. "Anyway. Gotta head out to do my rotation presentation."

"Goodluck. It'll be all good." Sunwoo gives you a small smile. "Text or call me? Let's get lunch on a weekly basis or something to catch up."

"Yeah, I will. Thanks for everything, Sunwoo."

"Nah, thank you. You really helped my ass out." You laugh and playfully ruffle his hair.

"I'll see you around." You gather your things and let out a shaky sigh as you head out. You're hauling your main bag, and another tote bag that has the rest of your things from your desk. You head over to the small auditorium that Namjoon booked for your rotation presentation, giving yourself some wiggle room to set up and get situated before the three would arrive.

Too bad someone else also had the same plan.

You waltz into the room and head straight for the podium, setting your things down onto a chair in the front row. You grab your laptop and settle at the front, eyes shooting up at the door when you hear footsteps approach the entrance.

And of course it would be San.

He slowly trails in with Namjoon next to him; except, Namjoon turns to speak with a student that stopped him right by the entrance. San is in his black dress pants, white shirt and a black leather jacket. His boots are leaving sounds with every step he takes, watch gleaming on his wrist. He meets your eyes and you instantly freeze— shifting your attention back to your laptop because you don't know what the hell else to do. He doesn't say anything as he heads down the aisle and to the front row, his greeting almost sounding dull.

Forced, even.

"Y/N."

"Professor Choi." The awkwardness and the tension fills the room, and you can't help but notice how awfully clammy your hands are getting. How nervous you feel yourself getting. "How are you?"

"Good." Is all he says before plopping into seat in front while you continue to work with the AV system to get your presentation up on the screen.

"That's good." You reply without looking at him. He feels cold and so standoff-ish— it's hard to tell if he's doing this because he has to or because he actually means it. Was he really done with you? "Hope the presentation's okay." You mumble lightly. San catches on, but he continues to scroll through his phone to distract himself until Namjoon finally walks in.

"Sure you'll be fine." And it sucks. Maybe he does mean it. He doesn't say anything else, and he doesn't reassure you the way he usually does. For San, it's a front. He has to distance himself or else he'll cave. For you, it hurts nonetheless.

"Sorry! Got caught up. The dean's on his way." Namjoon pops in and sits next to San in the front row. "All good, Y/N? Do you need help with setting anything else up?"

"No, I think I got it. Thank you." You smile at him and he nods. 

"Course."

"Alright, let's get this going. Sorry for the small wait." The dean comes in last, taking a seat by the two. "Hi Y/N, hope you're doing okay."

"Think so." You chuckle a bit. "Well, I'll get started if there aren't any objections?" They shake their heads. "Great." You nervously respond while Namjoon and the dean give you a small smile.

San doesn't even maintain eye contact with you.

But, it's only because it's the hardest thing to suppress his feelings for you whenever you're in front of him and he can't exactly have you like he used to.

—END

"Yo!" Jiung waves, shifting your attention towards him across the lawn. You give him a small smile, stopping in your motions to wait for him to cross over. To your left is San, patiently waiting for Zara to walk over to him. You can't help but watch; the two only a couple of feet away, their voices slightly echoing around the courtyard. 

His hand hovering the small of her back as they enter the Harvey Building together.

To this day, you can still feel your heart physically drop to your gut. You're not sure when it'll pass, but you hope it's soon. You're so tired of feeling this way.

So, so tired.

"Hey." You give Jiung a tiny smile as you hug your books against your chest.

"Whattup?" It took awhile for you and Jiung to get back to normal. You always knew you would, but you needed a little more time to understand his side of things. For awhile, you were angry and hurt. All you could see was red. All you could see was Jiung openly going behind your back to talk to Professor Kim about something he didn't know anything about.

You saw the surface level.

But, as time went on, and as your hurt continued to settle into something you just needed to accept, you understood Jiung a little more. You knew he had always cared about you and you knew he was always protective of you. You knew there wasn't any ill intention behind his actions. And when you two finally came together to talk about it more maturely, you've seen that Jiung had been more understanding of your side, too. He apologized for having gotten in the middle, but he did everything out of care for you and protection. It's clearer now that the relationship you had with San wasn't just any relationship— he saw you cry, and cry, and cry. Wondering where you went wrong or what you could've done to be more careful, to prevent this from happening. He saw the look in your eyes, the way your body physically called and yearned for San's touch and love; he knew this wasn't any of those cases of power imbalance or a one-sided relationship. He felt stupid having needed time to marinate on the whole thing when he should've known you better. But, he could truly say he acted in fear and felt better to err on the side of caution.

He just wished it didn't have to end like this; with you, sad and alone. Feeling like all of it was just too good to be true, a fleeting moment.

A quick chapter in your book.

He gets that now.

When he sees San walking around, he almost feels the same energy, aura, that he feels when he sees you. It's just too bad he can't help. Even if he did, he finds it better to no longer meddle.

Maybe it'll bring you two back together again. When the time is right.

"Nothing. I just need to get some stuff together before I meet with Professor Kim in a bit."

"Nervous?"

"No, not really." You shake your head. "Things have been going well for the most part, minus little hiccups. He wanted to talk about other programs and opportunities he found fitting for me."

"Huh." Jiung cocks a brow up. "More collaborations he wants you involved in, I'm assuming." You shrug.

"If it is, I'm for it. Just hope it doesn't take up my entire schedule completely." You chuckle.

"It'll be good either way!" 

"Yeah, I know. It's been good. I have no complaints." You shiver from the breeze that's picking up, digging your face deeper into the scarf you have on.

"Did you hear? There's supposed to be a random storm coming soon. Spring weather, amirite?"

"I heard."

"Are you gonna head home? You should try and head home if you can. Who knows what it'll bring here."

"I don't know. I do need to catch up on some data analysis or else I'll be behind." You pause. "Dunno if I trust myself to work productively at home. We have backup generators, right?"

"I mean, yeah. But, what if it goes out? Then, what?"

"Yeah, I don't know. Let's hope that's not one of these cases." You stop in front of the Panama Building and turn to Jiung. 

"Lunch later?" You nod.

"Might be a little late. I'll text you when I'm wrapping up?"

"Sounds good. We'll wait for you."

"See you later." You wave before heading inside the building, shimmying off the cold once you step inside and try to warm yourself up. You head down to the lab, setting your things down on your desk before immediately getting started on your work for the day. You try to pace yourself and plan out your tasks well so that you're able to step out for your meeting with Professor Kim and grab lunch with your friends in a few hours. 

It's busy, and time flies. Busy is good. At least your mind is occupied with other pressing matters.

Time slips by so quickly you're almost running late to your meeting with Professor Kim. You put a pause in your current run for behavior, grabbing your laptop and a notebook before darting up to Professor Kim's office. You power-walk down the familiar hallway before finally reaching his open door, finding him occupied at his desk.

"Hey!" Namjoon smiles when you walk into his office and plop down in the chair. "Give me a second, just finishing up this email."

"All good." You chuckle. "Sorry I'm a few minutes late. Was running behavior."

"No worries, I figured. Get comfortable." You plop onto the seat in front of his desk, watching as his fingers move swiftly on the keyboard before he navigates to the mouse and clears his throat. "Okay! All good." He laughs a bit. "How's it going?"

"Good! Pretty busy per usual."

"Good busy, I suppose?"

"Yes, good busy. It's been productive. Days are going by quick. I've got some really promising data for this cohort and I think you might be happy with it."

"I'm happy with any progress." You laugh. "That sounds great! Any other ideas? Any other plans at the moment?"

"Well, I'm not sure yet. As long as I'm on the right path, I think there are other avenues I can explore if the results continue to trend upwards."

"Then, let's explore when we get there. I know you'll continue to do great work, and the results look promising. It all looks promising."

"Thank you, Professor Kim."

"There is something else I wanted to talk to you about." You cock a brow up and tilt your head to the side.

"Sure. I'm all ears."

"Professor Qi from the Mirae Biomedical Institute contacted me the other day. She was really impressed by your symposium presentation and the work you've done in Professor Choi's lab and mine. She thinks you'd be a great asset in their program, especially since she's starting a new clinical research study that I also agree you'd contribute well to. It's a study examining neural activity and behavioral patterns in individuals with conditions like bipolar disorder, anxiety, and OCD, etc. You get the gist. A lot of your work is relatable and can be used to push this study forward."

"Oh my god, wow." You respond in disbelief, shock, even. You didn't think anyone was really paying attention to your work like that, especially with what has happened. You kinda felt like a lost cause even though nothing entirely catastrophic has happened. "I was not expecting that."

"Why not?" Namjoon laughs. "You deserve the credit. What do you think about it?"

"I'm really honored, truly. I think it's a great opportunity."

"It is. Not a lot of people get recruited this way, especially with a research assistant position included in the package." You nod silently, still trying to take it in. "Now, if you do want to move forward, it does mean we'll have to get your transfer application in ASAP. They do offer housing assistance should you need it, and they're willing to help cover any other expenses until you settle."

"Right, transferring." You look down at your palms. Truthfully, Mirae wasn't that far from here; it'd be about 2 hours out, but you could easily get there by a drive down the less busier highway or the bullet train.

You'd have to make that effort to see your friends, meet halfway.

San comes into your head.

"I know it's a bit scary, you've already gotten accustomed to things here even if it's just been your first year. But, luckily, it's not that far away and you can always meet your friends halfway. The train can connect you to campus and back." He tries to reassure you because he really wants you to take this. Of course, he can't force you, but he knows this would be beneficial to your growth.

"Yeah, I know. It's not that bad."

"It's not. Plus, you guys all drive, right?" You nod.

"When do I have to get my transfer application in?" Namjoon pulls up the information on his desktop and lets out a small sigh.

"In two weeks. We can get that done. I can write up a letter of recommendation for you and have Professors Choi and Bahng do one each." He looks at you. "Do you feel comfortable asking Professor Jeong for one since you TA'd for him? It's not entirely necessary, but wanted to see how you felt."

"Um, to be honest, not really." He nods.

"That's fine. We don't need it. Us three should be more than enough." He gives you a tiny smile. "Think you can get a personal statement and everything else together by then?"

"Yeah, I think so. Shouldn't be too much of a hassle."

"I can help with official transcripts, too."

"That sounds great." Your expression is blank and Namjoon tilts his head to try and get a read from you.

"Why the face?"

"I truthfully didn't think I was qualified or that anyone was really paying attention." Namjoon chuckles a bit.

"Listen, your grades are fantastic. The work you do is incredible. I fully think you are capable of handling all the ins and outs of this transfer and transitioning over." Namjoon smiles. "The program isn't too different from ours, but it will definitely offer you a lot of different options and pathways with the clinical study picking up."

"It's alot, and I'm grateful you believe in me. I just don't know if I can handle it. The changes."

"Don't second-guess yourself, okay? You are more than capable. It won't be much different from what you're already doing. Just a 'lil more umph. More seasoning, if you will."

"You think so?" He nods.

"You'll still focus on research, but you'll be split between classes and eventually, the hospital. Unfortunately, that does probably mean there is some weekend work in store for you." You let out a breath, eyes still on Professor Kim. He lets out another laugh [of endearment] and nods, clasping his hands together. "I know that look. I've been there before, but trust me. You'll do amazing, and you'll excel, no doubt. You shouldn't restrict yourself just because you assume you won't do well. Your work and ethic has proved otherwise."

"Thank you, Professor Kim. I think I do wanna move forward with this."

"Cool, then we can work together and get you set up. I'll loop you into an email with her so we can all chat and finalize this. Hopefully before the week ends." You nod.

"And I mean it, by the way." You pause. "Thank you for everything. For supporting me and pushing me forward regardless of everything that's happened."

"You're welcome. I would never let that define you." You give him a small smile, fiddling with your laptop sleeve— dying to ask him about the one person that has been occupying your mind the most. "You okay otherwise?"

"Yeah, I think so. Just thought about some things, but nothing important."

"He's doing okay." Namjoon gives you a tiny smile. 

"I— huh? How'd you know I was—"

"Because I just do. He asks about you, too."

"Oh." Is all you say, swallowing the thick lump forming in your throat. "Well, I'm glad he's okay."

"Him and Professor Choi #2 received approval for their joint program, so they'll be getting the real estate they wanted in the new building."

"That's amazing. I'm glad it all worked out." Namjoon nods.

"Anything else I can do for you in the meantime?"

"No, that's it. For now. I'm sure more things will come up when we meet next."

"Sounds good. Well, you let me know if anything comes up or if I can do anything else for you."

"Thanks, Professor Kim." You give him one last smile before grabbing your things and heading out the door.

And the rest of your day is pretty eventful, but not as eventful as San's turns out to be.

While you busy yourself with your new classes, lab work and hanging out with your friends, San is having to force himself to go out with his own group. For awhile, he kinda sulked. Stayed home, did his own thing. Kept quiet. But, it got old to Jongho [and the rest of them] quick— hence, now he's being forced to leave the comfort of his home.

He guesses he could use the fresh air, the night out. It is Mingi's birthday, so he doesn't think he could've said no otherwise.

"Ayo!" Jongho calls out as he enters San's house, twirling the key around his finger as he waits for San's response.

"I told you I'd be fine driving." San slowly comes down his steps, dressed in a simple tee, jeans and a bomber jacket. 

"Okay, miss attitude." Jongho laughs. "I'm trying to make it easier so you don't have to worry about parking and what not." San sighs.

"Thanks." He shrugs. "Do I look okay? Not that it matters."

"Can you at least try to be somewhat happy? Especially when we see Mingi later?" 

"I'm sorry, I really am trying. Just kinda hard to."

"I know, and I truly think you could use this night to get your mind off of things. It's been some time, give yourself a little break." Jongho nudges him.

"Yeah, yeah. You're right." San gives him a small smile.

"Things will get better, but you gotta stop sulking about it or else you'll just keep enforcing this negativity to come for you."

"Wow, that's the deepest shit I've ever heard from you."

"And it won't come again, so fucking take it or leave it." San laughs a bit and shakes his head. 

"Can we go? Before I change my mind and tell Mingi I'm sick or something."

"Hell no." Jongho starts power-walking to his car, making San take his time as he checks around the living room and kitchen once more before locking up and slipping into the passenger's seat. San slouches in his seat while Jongho drives off towards the busy downtown area, scrolling through the new group chat created for Mingi's birthday to catch up. 

"They're all there already."

"Yeah, well. They wanted a head start."

"I thought Zara wasn't coming."

"She wasn't, but I think her initial plans ended up getting canceled."

"I see." San sighs and rests his head back against the head rest. The bar is ways away from campus, thankfully. It's a new bar that just opened a month ago, and Mingi's birthday was the perfect excuse for everyone to get together for a night and relieve some stress. When Jongho arrives at their destination, he's having to park down the block due to how crazy busy the area is tonight. It's a chilly night, and San has to tuck his hands into the pockets of his bomber jacket to try and keep himself warm on the walk. When they enter, they see familiar faces near the back wall of the bar, Mingi's loud voice radiating towards the entrance.

"My fucking boys!" He says, already intoxicated. He pulls San and Jongho into a hug before the two start greeting the group properly. 

"Hey. I didn't think you were coming." San says, pulling Zara into a hug. She's got on a jeans, high heeled boots and an off-the shoulder sweater on. She's got a bit more makeup on tonight— she's gone for the natural blush kinda look. San is not gonna lie, she looks good.

But, she will never be you.

"Yeah, plans got canceled and I was already dressed so, figured I'd make use of the outfit somehow." San chuckles a bit.

"Glad you were able to." He gives her a small smile before greeting the rest of the crew that was there, including Namjoon.

The night starts off pretty chill for San. He's taken a few shots to try and keep up with Mingi, no longer wanting to hear him complain about how no one wanted to take shots for his birthday. After the third, he tries to slow it down and cashes in for a small can of beer while Mingi continues on with spreading the love throughout the group by passing out more shots. The music is right up everyone's ally, making most of their group bounce along to the beats and sing along loudly. San's got himself next to Zara at the booth— both of them sipping on their poison for the rest of the night. 

"So, San." She turns to him, her chin resting on the palm of her hand. "How's everything going?" San looks at her and despite the blush she's wearing, he can tell her cheeks are naturally flushing red at the question, at being tipsy. At the fact that she has him alone.

Because you aren't around.

"Good. Super busy, but good." San is pretty drunk, not gonna lie. He doesn't normally drink like this, but he figured he'd just enjoy himself while around his bestfriends. The beer obviously isn't helping his case, but he believes he'll be fine. He doesn't think anything will come out of this anyway. "Heard you've secured some new funding and you've got three more grad students."

"I did, yeah."

"Congrats." San smiles at her before gently tapping his beer can against her cocktail glass.

"What's new with you? We haven't been able to catch up for a bit."

"Yeah, sorry. It's just— it's been a rollercoaster."

"I bet." Zara sips on her drink. There's a slight pause before she's tracing the rim of her glass, then speaking up again. "I'm sorry about everything that's happened." San looks at her. They're sitting in close proximity; enough for San to feel her arm rub against him whenever she moves, her body heat.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything." He gives her a small smile. "It is what it is. Things are pretty stable now."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"So, are you not seeing her anymore?" San takes a big gulp of his beer while keeping his eyes trained on the crowd in front of him. Her.

You always come back in the picture.

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"All good. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be." Zara looks up at him and they meet eyes for a moment. To her, the tension feels thick. But to San, he's just going with the motions. He's drunk, she's pretty, he's chillin'. Nothing more to it. But, she looks at him in a certain way and it has him slightly furrowing his brows when he tilts his head to look at her a little more, a little deeper.

"I'm sure it hasn't been easy." Her eyes are moving down to his nose, to his lips. San is following her gaze and he knows all too well where this could lead. He should've known to break contact, but before he could even think about it, Zara is the first to lean in and make her move— lips pressing against San's that he's instantly in shock and can't process right away.

But, what he does know is that this doesn't feel right, and his body is already rejecting the action because it isn't you.

"Zara—" San gently pushes Zara back with a frown on his face. "Zara, I can't. I— this can't happen. I'm sorry if I ever misled you, but—"

"Oh." She almost looks confused. "No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, how embarrassing." She shies away. "I should've known."

"I'm sorry—" He tries to repeat again, but she's shaking her head and walking off towards the bathroom. "Fuck." He runs his hand through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh. He feels terrible that it happened. One, it shouldn't have happened. Two, he didn't mean to hurt his friend.

Three, it wasn't you.

It sounds so fucked up, but even after all of that, his mind still takes him to you and he can't help but drunkly panic as if you were around to see it. It should've never happened, it should've never happened.

He didn't want that to happen.

They had been hanging out for awhile, but the last thing he wanted was to lead her on unintentionally. And he doesn't think he did, knowing she had feelings for him from the get-go. He was there for her and enjoyed her company, but kept enough distance to make sure it didn't cross any boundaries.

He didn't want that to happen.

He pushes his way through the crowd and finds his way outside, letting the cool air hit his skin. If he hadn't made his way out of the bar, he might've [quite frankly] yacked from the slight nausea and anxiety he's feeling. He pulls his phone out of his back pocket, quickly scrolling through his call log to find your name.

You don't answer when he calls.

So, he texts.

san: i'm sorry

san: i miss you so badly

san: i miss us

san: zara kissed me and you're probably gonna hate me for it

san: i'm so sorry baby, pls come back to me i miss you. i don't fucking care anymore, i just need you.

you: san stop

you: get home safely okay?

san: no i want you with me though

you: san, please stop making this harder than it already is.

And then he calls again. Because for some reason, he feels like you already hate him and want nothing to do with him over a dumb 'lil mistake that he had no intention of making. 

He calls again.

And again. Even when he's got his back pressed against the wall, crouching near the ground until he can hear your voice clearly on the other line. Zara steps out to get a breather, but she sees that he's already on the phone and it must be with you. She doesn't know why she expected anything out of that stupid, silly little kiss.

He was always gonna run back to you.

It was always gonna be you.

You finally answer, but it's because you think something's wrong and you don't want anything to happen to San. 

You don't even know if you can stomach hearing him right now.

"Baby." He drunkly murmurs on the phone and it causes you to swallow the lump forming in your throat— shut your eyes to prevent any more tears from falling. "Sweetheart, you there?"

"San, stop this. That's all I'm asking from you." You shakily respond.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? You shouldn't be calling ne as if things are okay."

"But, they can be, angel. We can make it okay again."

"Please don't call me that." You barely say above a whisper, tears sting your eyes, throat aching. "If you need a ride, I can call you a cab."

"No. Mm'fine. I just wanted to hear your voice because I miss you so damn much."

"You're making this way too hard. Please just go home and get sleep, okay?"

"You're gonna hate me more than you already do."

"I don't hate you. But, whatever your business is with her, is your business with her. None of this pertains to me."

"I don't have business with her. I want you. I just want you. It's always you." You purse your lips tightly when you remember his text— of course Zara would take the opportunity, and now he's confessing his love to you.

All of this was so fucked up.

"I love you."

"San."

"You don't feel the same anymore?" You feel the burn in your throat  when you take a moment to pause.

"Can you just put Jongho on the phone, please?"

"Why?" He whines.

"Because I need to make sure you get home safely." He clicks his teeth.

"Fine." He whines some more before he's calling out to Jongho and telling him his girl would like to have a word. "Think my girl is mad. C-can you tell her we can work this out? I-I don't want her mad anymore." In which Jongho follows with a quick 'yeah, ok' before snatching up his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi. I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but can you please make sure he gets home in one piece? I think it's best he stops calling me, too."

"Of course. I'll stay with him."

"Thank you, Professor—"

"Jongho."

"Thank you, Jongho." You hang up the call and instantly toss your phone to the side before your tears start overflowing. You let the sheets swallow you whole before you cry.

And you just.. cry.

Until you tire yourself and fall asleep, even though you tried to stay up to make sure nothing else came in from San.

Nothing does, anyway.

Jongho throws San into the car and tells him to chill while he says his final goodbyes to everyone. Mingi, Yeosang and the rest of the group are laughing it off, assuming San is just drunk and slumped for the night. And he kinda is, but he's sad. He's completely heartbroken. He doesn't wanna be alone for the night, and Jongho says he'll take the guest room so he doesn't have to wallow in his drunkenness alone. 

Yet, he still feels like he is.

When he gets home, he lazily kicks off his shoes and runs a quick shower. The world is still spinning more than he'd like, so he downs a whole water bottle before finishing up his routine and slipping under the sheets. Jongho has left him to his peace, also getting ready for bed in the guest bathroom and bedroom.

San can barely get comfortable because he can't even close his eyes and feel still for a second. He lies on his tummy, sprawled out across his bed since there's no use in leaving space for two.

He wishes he could.

Your side remains empty.

"You good?" Jongho pokes his head in to see a shirtless San facing the opposite way.

"Mhm." He mumbles. "Thanks."

"Yeah. Well, you know where to find me if you need anything." San stays silent, making Jongho shut his door gently before retreating to the bedroom.

San does know what he needs, though.

It's unfortunate your side remains empty.

Monday comes, and San is hoping he doesn't run into you.

He's hoping he doesn't run into you because he's not sure how to explain himself, and it's not like he can, anyway. But, it'll also make everything real for him— too real for his liking. 

It'll be too real that he drunk texted you and called you, confessing his love after an incident that should've never happened in the first place.

It'll be too real that you aren't his.

It'll be too real that you never came to be by his side and that your side of the bed remains empty.

San sighs to himself as he quickly rushes into the Harvey Building, hurrying down to the basement and unlocking his office door. He sets his bags down and plops onto his chair, getting settled for the day. He couldn't sleep last night, so he decided to get up before the sun rose to workout in the faculty gym. He might've pushed himself a little harder than usual, his arms already feeling the soreness from the upper body workout he did. He'll be extra tired today, but at least his day will fly by with the shit he has to do.

He just hopes he doesn't run into you.

Because somehow, when he sees you, time stops and he feels frozen.

He lets out a sigh and starts working on a few progress reports that are literally due tomorrow. He's gotten through most of it and thankfully, just needs to add a few more details before sending it off. He also just got word that he won an award, and the foundation has been asking for a bunch of material to get ready for the award ceremony in a few months.

He hopes he can still share that news with you at some point.

Until then, he'll gather some childhood and school photos, candids he has from being in the classroom and doing lectures, other award photos; you know the deal. He's gotta write an acceptance speech that's 500-600 words and lasts about 2-3 minutes, plus answer a bunch of questions on a sheet they sent him.

It takes up a good chunk of his early morning that he's grabbing coffee right before his meeting with Namjoon and Jongho about the new program and real estate. He mutters a quick 'oh shit' to himself when he looks down at his watch, wrapping up his last thoughts before switching his desktop computer to sleep mode and gathering his phone and badge. When he slips out of his office, he finds the basement office more packed than usual. Lots of his lab members are meeting with people from other labs to collaborate or get guidance on a project. Sunwoo is busying himself with the data on his computer, working on his next data presentation for the lab meeting next week. He's noticed that him and Belle don't talk anymore, and he wonders why; he has an inkling it has to do with you, but he won't pry unless he hears about it somehow.

They all toss their 'hello's' his way while he rushes out to grab his coffee before making his way to the electrical engineering building. 

Luckily, the walk is quiet. 

San sips on his coffee and makes his way into a room that Jongho booked for their meeting. He's not here yet, but Namjoon isn't either, so San sits at the table by himself— mindlessly scrolling through his phone. He hasn't deleted your text thread [call him crazy], and he still has all your photos in his album. He hasn't changed the 'Baby 💕' listed as your contact name, he hasn't changed his home wallpaper that consists of a shot from behind you looking out at the beach view. 

It's all equally tearing him apart and getting him by at the same time.

He can't seem to get his mind off of you and it makes him think that the universe is playing some kind of sick, twisted game with him.

Or, maybe it's a sign that he just has to accept his feelings for you. That you were always gonna be the one for him no matter how hard he tried to convince himself it couldn't work—

"Ayo." Namjoon pulls him out of his thoughts when he walks in and plops down on a seat next to him.

"Sup."

"I see Jongho's running a bit late." San checks his texts to see the unread 'running a few mins late - be there soon' text from the man himself. 

"Yeah. I almost forgot myself. Was too busy getting the award materials together." Namjoon smiles.

"That's a big one. Definitely deserved."

"Thanks, boss."

"How's everything else?"

"Good, I guess." But Namjoon can see it's deeper than that, and San isn't all that great at hiding his true feelings. 

"You guess?"

"Yeah, why?" He looks at Namjoon.

"She's doing great."

"Is she?"

"Yeah, really."

"That's good to hear."

"Qi Jaemi from Mirae reached out and is recruiting Y/N into their program. She started a clinical study not too long ago that's moving fast, and the work that Y/N has done in our labs is incredibly beneficial and relates well to what she's focused on. She offered to support her and give her a research assistant position while she's studying for extra financial support." Namjoon meets San's eyes. "I think she'd flourish and do amazing in it. Can't let her talents go to waste."

"I agree." San shifts in his seat. "So, she'll be transferring?"

"Yeah, sounds like. It's promising and I told her she has my support. I think she's gonna take it and not backtrack."

"T-that's great. I hope she does." San says. 

"I'll need your help with writing a rec letter for her transfer application. If that's okay."

"Yeah, of course. Anything." He is truly happy for you and thinks it's the best move, especially for a very well known professor like Professor Qi. After everything, he's glad your work is still being recognized and that you're opening new doors to different opportunities.

He hopes you do move forward with it.

Selfishly enough, he hopes you take it and this will eventually lead you two back together. To a time where you don't have to hide your relationship and be loved undercover. 

To a time where you two could just be happy without any outside noise.

"You miss her?"

"I do." San barely responds. "I really do, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get past this. I tried, Joon. I can't let her go." He sighs.

"Listen, I can't tell you what to do anymore. My job doesn't include policing you down to the T. Things have settled and brushed over, but it doesn't mean the dean isn't watching you or her. Luckily, if she takes this, it won't be as big of a deal as it is now while she's a student here. He'd still wanna make sure you aren't getting distracted, though."

"Okay.. but that's great, right? Things have settled for the both of us." Namjoon sighs. "If she takes the opportunity, it changes everything."

"Yes, which is why.. whatever you do, please just remember not to mess this up for her or you. The both of you are on great paths right now."

"It was never my intention to do so in the first place. I wanna add value to her life, not take away from it."

"So, what are you trying to say?"

"I love her."

—taglist: @asjkdk @interweab @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs @persphonesorchid @mxnsxngie @jycas @cowboydk @vcutparis @chngbnwf @struggling101 @sanhwalvr @angelqueendom @barbielibra @brown88 @choisansplushie @yunhoswrldddd @hyukssunflower @vickykazuya @lucid-galaxys-world @jaytheatiny @pommelex @thechaotictheoryy @vixensss @santineez @nopension @domfikeluva @in-somnias-world @my-atiny-kookie-rkive @mountiiny @naoristerling @onmymymyway @thecutiepieme @wyrated @randajjjad

[nieceeee]

"VIDEO PHONE"

P/S: Gojo was more reserved about his personal life than most people. From the outside he was a standup guy. Mostly quiet to those who didn't know him. He kept his head low, his grades high, and his mouth closed. But Gojo had a very nasty secret. Because deep in his mansion, with his doors bolted shut Gojo has an obsession. One that just happens to be the melanated girl that sits in front of him in class. He never spoke to you in public but the thoughts he had about you in private would make a porn star blush. But Gojo failed to realize one little thing. You knew exactly who your favorite streamer was, it was only a matter of time until you addressed him about it...

WC: 2.7K

A/N: SMUT MINORS DNI, nerd gojo x camgirl reader, use of pet names, p in v, black coded, semi-stalker gojo (he lurks her camgirl page basically) video sex, masturbation, they're in grad school. all dat yadayada

Satoru Gojo was a paradox. 

Two sides of the same coin. A mirror some may say. 

To the outside world he was Satoru Gojo. Head of the Gojo clan. A man of restraint and a decorum. The picture perfect reputation in every category - grades, looks, social status. Nothing seemed to phase him and nothing could break him. His quiet yet nerdy exterior of silence seemingly impenetrable. Professors adored him, women coveted him, men loathed him. But nothing. Nothing could break him. 

If they only knew.

The deep dark secret that Gojo kept well hidden. One that was exposed only to the privacy of the four walls of his bedroom in his mansion. A secret so dark and twisted, it kept him awake at night. Heart racing with anticipation, mind drowning in lust, body littered in sin. And it was all centered around you. 

You.

The girl that drove his obsessions. His cute classmate who sat a row in front of him. Always dressed in the cutest outfits with your bold hair and pink outfits. Shirts always a little too short, exposing the skin of your lower back when you sat up in your seat. Gojo never spoke to you but that didn't mean he didn't think of you.

Oh how he thought of you.

Gojo hid it well. The way you tortured him. Masked underneath an ever-so-calm facade. Gojo couldn’t help himself. The more he watched you, the more obsessed his thoughts became. He had this thing. Not a kink, but just a…thing when it came to a specific type of woman. A woman who appeared so innocent but her power and confidence radiated through her skin. A woman who was assertive, oozing dominance yet still subtly submissive. A woman like you. 

You would be his undoing, the very thing to unravel his perfectly sculpted figure. 

It started off so innocent. He walked into class and noticed you sitting there. Hair freshly braided and tossed to one side, a headphone in one ear and a school girl skirt that cut a centimeter too high. He watched you focus, always sharp, always confident. A boisterous laugh and infectious smile. The first time you spoke to him was when you were passing back a paper. Your freshly manicured nails slipped him his test. “Great job” you whispered as you held it out for him to take. You voice flowing through his eardrums smooth as molasses, sending a warm coating down him body. You were a breath of fresh air. A sweet song serenading him and he wanted to get lost in you. He was so wrapped up in your eyes that he completely missed what you had said. You tilt your head a bit in confusion. “Gojo?” you say. How he wished he could hear you say his name again. “Y-yeah.” he stammers. “Your paper?” you say motioning down to your hand. “Oh! I-I…sorry.” he quickly pulls the paper from you, catching it on your finger and slicing into your skin. “Shit.” you say softly pulling your hand back. “I..I’m sorry.” he repeats lifting his bag and digging through it for his first aid kit. He pops open the plastic container and hands you a bandaid. “S-sorry.” he drops his head. You open your mouth to speak but the bell rings and he darts from his seat before you get the chance. 

The next day was nerve wrecking, how could he face you. His steps were heavy as made his way into class that day. You were already seated. You looked up to acknowledge him but he averted your gaze, still embarrassed from the day before. “Hey you.” a voice says to him during a class breakout session. His eyes widen. “I’m really sorry about yesterday.” he blurts out. You giggle at him. “Gojo. It's fine. It was just a little paper cut. See.” you hold up your hand and press your lips against your finger. “All better. Kissed it better.” You smile as you turn back around. 

Heat flushed across Gojo’s face as his mind dove into that deep dark tunnel that he tries so hard to keep hidden. Your lips. A simple gesture but the way his mind warped reality into seeing them wrapped around the head of his dick make his face burn red. 

This was all his fault. 

She has no clue he groans to himself. 

That image burned into his mind as he went throughout the day, quickly racing home to his room. Bolting himself inside. He tossed his bookbag into the abyss and rushed to his laptop. “Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.” he groans. He types as fast as his fingers would allow, loading up his private browser. 

Those lips.

He pulled up your page. hi$f@vebunniii_ Images loaded and it took everything in him not to release right there. Your image flooded his screen. Photos. Videos. All of you. His obsession. His muse. He clicked your most recent upload. Lips pursed and pressed against the bandaid from yesterday, Rihanna: Kiss It Better playing in the background, caption reading “Got a little scratch today, who wants to kiss it better for me?” Another groan left his lips.

That was his bandaid. 

Sick, twisted and lustful, his hand slips into his pants, gently stroking himself to your photo. His eyes flutter shut and he hears your voice again. “A-aah…” he whimpers as he strokes himself faster. Bright white lights blind his vision at the images of you before his release oozes from his tip. “Oh fuck y/n” he cries out. His head falls back, chest heaving. You had no clue what you had started. 

And that was just the beginning.

Before long. Gojo was scouring the web for your content. Photos. Videos. Live chats. Anything he could find to see you. He nights obsessing over you, fucking his hand into overstimulation at the thought of you. 

It was wrong. You were his peer. His classmate. You sat right in front of him. 

But he couldn’t stop. 

Behind his hidden page, he subbed to you. Your highest donor and most frequent viewer.

The woman who lit his fantasies was his sweet classmate who knew nothing of his perverse thoughts about her. 

So he thought…

But you. The smart girl that you are. You figured it out a long time ago. It started with the frequency of his appearance in your streams. The cryptic 6ix_blue!3y3s user who would watch your stream from beginning to end. Always quiet in chats but never one to shy away from donations. 

He was obvious. 

The cute white haired boy in your class who threw subtle glances at you throughout the lectures. Whose eyes lingered longer than they should at your low cut tops and too high skirt. Who could never fully face your right after a stream, head always held down. And when you did get his attention. Oh, the way he turned red at your interactions. It didn't take long for you to put two and two together. Anyone else may not have caught on so easily.

But you? You knew.

You knew how to read people. You’d watched him intensely. You weren't blind. You weren't naive. The way he looked at you was familiar. A hunger he tried to bury deep within himself but one gentle touch and his chest began to rise and fall at a rapid pace. He wasn’t alone in his feelings. The way he looked at you sent something electric through your veins, a type of heat that you couldn’t ignore. The same heat you’d been chasing every time he joined your stream late at night. The one where Gojo Satoru, would send donations but never message in the chat—always lurking, always watching.

You knew who exactly who he was. You knew it was him. He never gave it away on stream, but the way he would try to hide his identity with those random, cryptic responses when you did get him to speak made it clear. That was the reason for the bandaid photo. A little experiment of yours to see if he would crumble. And that he did. Eyes darting away from you every chance he could, unable to speak, nervous glances in your direction. Yeah, you knew. The notorious Gojo Satoru, with his perfect grades, his “innocent” charm, and the eyes that followed you like a shadow.

And yet, here he was, still pretending to be just another sweet face in the classroom. Still pretending that you didn’t know what his secret was. That you didn’t know what kind of fantasies he had when he was alone, tucked away in the darkness of his mansion.

But it was about time you brought the dark to the light

That night you set up the stream, an energy bubbled beneath your skin. You checked yourself over again. Braids pulled into pigtails, light blue cotton crop top just barely covering your chest, skimpy white silk bottoms and knee high socks. You pulled your knee to your chest and the screen went live. He was one of the first to appear. You held in the smile playing at your lips. 

It was time to confront him, to rid yourself of the tension that had been building for weeks between your two. You wanted to see how far you could push him. 

You converse in the chat here and there. Speaking to everyone. He popped in every now and again. Then you put your plan in motion. 

“Oh guys I didn't get to tell you about my cute classmate today.” you say setting the bait. On the other side of the world on another screen, Gojo was walking back into his room, snacks in hand, your stream pulled up. He almost dropped everything when the words cute classmate came out your mouth. He rushed back over to his screen nearly tripping in the process. 

“...He’s so fucking cute. I just want to eat him up. Ah, gojo.. The things you make me feel.” you voice says through the laptop and his heart feels like it will burst from his chest. “Me?” he says aloud to no one. You go on raving about him. 

“Oh and I can only imagine how big it is. You know they say the quiet nerdy boys are usually the freakiest” you say directly into the camera. He couldn't believe it. There was no way you were talking about him. It wasn't possible. But here you were going on and on. You knew he was there on the other side, he had stopped messaging in the chat. Maybe too stunned to speak. You smirk to yourself. “Tonight, I’m dedicating this stream to my sexy ass classmate Gojo Satoru.” you say. “Oh fuck…” he whimpers. You slide back from your seat and reposition your camera. “Let’s see how pretty and wet Gojo makes her tonight, hmm?” you say as you undress. Gojo’s mouth drops open.

You take your time undressing yourself before walking over and sitting on your bed, breast poked out and legs spread, clad in only your thin lace panties. You hand slips down your body and onto your clit, circling slowly. Gojo’s eyes were glued to his laptop as the circular motion mesmerized him. You pull a small vibrator out from behind you and switch it on. The buzzing sound rings in his ears.  The vibrations provided automatic stimulation as it rustled against your panties. A small cry of pleasure slipped from your lips as your head tilted back. “Shit.” he gasped, his hands quickly making work of removing his pants. He lubes himself up and starts to stroke his dick, his eyes still glued to where the vibrator met your panties. 

You used the tip of the vibrator to slide the fabric to the side, exposing yourself to the cool air. “Fuck Gojo.” you groan aloud into the camera. He whimpers, goosebumps trailing his skin. His eyes stayed laser focused on you. “Doesn’t she look pretty?” you whine. He nods into nothingness in his room between strokes. “So pretty” he responds knowing you can’t hear him. 

You quickly sit up and remove the panties. “Now let’s have some real fun.” You increase the speed on the vibrator before spitting on it to get it wet. Gojo moans aloud as he watches you take the vibrating silicone and slip it inside your tight walls, already clenching around it. The squelching from your juices filling the air and ringing in his ears as you pump it in and out of your walls. Gojo matches your speed, tugging at himself as his breath gets choppier. Both rooms echoing with your arousals as you purr his name and he moans yours. Each of you living out your own fantasy. 

You feel your climax nearing so you increase the speed, adding pressure to your clit with your other hand. “Fuck Toru, I’m gong to cum.” you whine, back arching from the bed. “Please. Please.” he whines aloud, hoping none of his servants were walking his quarters. Your orgasm crashed into you like a wave as you ride it out. 

“Shit…m’fuck.” Gojo whines as he shoots his release out, splashing all over his lap, cum hitting his screen.

You take a few moments to collect yourself before gently cleaning up. “Well, I hope you all had as much fun as I did.” you say with a smile. Your chat floods with thank yous and responses until one by one they leave, leaving just you and Gojo. He, on the other side, trying to clean up the mess he made. “And Gojo, I can’t wait to see you tomorrow in class.” you say before signing off. His eyes widen at your message but the stream has ended before he can chat back.

“Oh shit.” he lets out. 

You knew. 

The next day, you sat in your chair patiently waiting for him to enter the classroom. As soon as he stepped through the door, his eyes were on you. That familiar red hue brushes across his face as he approaches you. “Good morning Toru.” you say sweetly. He tries to suppress it but a little groan slips from his chest. You press your lips together to keep from smiling. Throughout class he tries his best to focus on anything but you. But each time he looked at you, flashes from the night before play in his mind and he feels his dick hardening underneath his desk. 

When the bell rings you pack up and head out of class. He opens his mouth to speak but you’re up before he gets a chance. After a quick beat, he stuffs everything in his bag and runs after you. “W-wait..” he calls down the hall. Passerby eyes raise at his actions. The notorious Satoru Gojo, coming undone. 

He catches up with you quickly, chest rising and falling. “Yes, Gojo?” you say innocently. “I-...uh, I, fuck..”  He expresses. You step closer pressing your chest into his, looking up into his eyes, “Yes. Toru.” you say softly. “You…uh.. I’m..” he tries to find the words to say it. How can he? The kogs in his mind spin as he tries to find a respectful way to say what you already knew. You motion for him to come closer. He leans down as you cup a hand around his ear and whisper, “Did you enjoy your stream Toru?” He gasps, hands instinctively coming up and gripping your waist. 

His jaw clenches as he tries to collect himself. You meet his gaze again. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me.” he says breathlessly. Your heart raced as you respond, knowing full well what you were doing to him. "You think I don’t know?" You leaned closer, wrapping your arms around his neck, letting your eyes pierce into his blue ones. "I’ve been watching you just as closely as you’ve been watching me." you say softly. 

His eyes widen at your confession. “The question is… are you going to keep watching or are you ready to play?” you challenge. His adam’s apple throbs as he swallows, processing your words slowly. 

“I..” he takes his time. You wait patiently. Arms wrapped around him still. He takes a deep breath before pulling your body flush to him.

“Let’s play.”

[rewritingcanon]

hmmm do you perhaps have any rose and/or granger-weasley family headcanons that you're willing to share with the audience 🎤 🎤🎤

bless you nkem for dragging me back to my roots as a headcanoning account and YES I INFACT DOOOO

rose:

sometimes i forget that white rose is also canon, but to me she's black. and also ginger. don't ask how both can be true, just is.

literally is her mother 2.0, but has her dad's sass. and she got ron and hermione’s combined anger so like,,, jesus.

was extremely tall as a child and would bully people for being small but then stopped growing when she was fourteen and everyone caught up to her and surpassed her (karma)

had braces when she was an adult

out of all the wotters she had the most pride and arrogance. to the point where she can be clumsy and nerdy as shit and if someone laughs at her she throws the biggest hissy fit

this is why albus and her got along so well. because he also doesn’t like getting teased and the whole family would act as if rose and albus were crazy for getting upset at harmless jokes

looks very young. like a teenager even until shes thirty

biggest most beautiful brown eyes you’ve ever seen like literally

she’s either the most stylish with 110% effort or she’s coming in mismatched pyjamas with no bra, not even 0% effort its in the negatives

her room is always always always filthy

gryffindor chaser until she graduates. never was quidditch captain cuz she was too scary, but was vice captain cuz shes great at ordering people around (she doesn’t even have to try that much, they just listen to her)

similarly she’s just such a leader. people gravitate to her or purposefully avoid her for this reason

like this is the reason why hugo is so damn uncontrollable because he grew up with rose as an older sister and hermione as a mum. no one compares to them.

even ron defers to rose 💀 granger-weasley family is a straight matriarchy

suchhhh a menace as a child lol would cry about being teased and then turn around and call albus’ best friend ugly to his face (she doesn’t actually think she’s teasing, because she’s not joking. she’s being deadass. she’s saying this all very matter-of-factly. “scorpius has very big teeth. not a bad thing it just puts his whole face off balance and makes him look uncanny. not a bad thing just very unnatural. not a bad thing just your friend is visually unappealing.” it’s actually so much worse).

then she learns what ✨inside voices✨ are. but she still struggles. bless.

annoying feminist valedictorian that half the schools hates just because shes a successful black girl that has twice the IQ as them. literally hermione all over.

has personal beef with veggies

started joining in on wotter banter when her frontal lobe developed because it was always a pride thing for her, and that grew into steel. shes not gonna bother cracking the shits when roxanne calls her an unc but she won’t hesitate to rip a new ass into somebody if they overstep with her

look. i keep forgetting this is not canon because she acts so much like it in text but this girl HATES boys. og misandrist. never got the hype about men (*cough* lesbian *cough).

both her and polly got into kpop as a joke but now she genuinely really likes it (newjeans fan number one… which.. rest in peace for that 😭)

links up with polly in the most random of places. like they hang out during polly’s church on sunday mornings whilst she’s praying and rose is sitting next to her on the pew like 🙂 or just in one of those underpasses underneath the train thats filthy with moss and stuff

idolises her mum so much likes shes such a mama’s girl despite the mummy issues she may have. hermione and her are locked in fr. twinnem.

doesn’t date whilst shes in hogwarts cuz she believes shes better than 90% of the people there. but maybe she’d experiment in her last year just to check shit off her before-grad bucket list

granger-weasley family:

matriarchy next question

idk if this is actually canon or just heavily implied but ron definitely quit being an auror to be a dad when hermione was pregnant with rose

rose was going to be named aurora but ron had this dream of this little curly haired toddler girl and him calling her rose, so he made the dream a reality 🥹 (rose is so pissed when she finds out she couldve been AURORA. hugo is more pissed when he finds out he would’ve been named aurora too if he had been a girl).

ron’s known as the chess master supreme and im sorry but rose and hugo are absolutely shit compared to him so at every weasley hang out, rose would make all her cousins queue up to see if anyone could beat ron and she facilitates this with a list so no one sneaks back into line after ron inevitably beats them. hugo commentates and hermione refs 😭

hermione refs everything in the granger-weasley household actually even when ron is arguing with one of the kids, they will all turn to her for a final verdict (she’s usually on the “apologise to your father” side but bless)

rose and hugo have cousins on the granger side but theyre not so super close to them cuz theyre like,,, second cousins yk.

back when rose and hugo were super young and hermione was really busy with ministry work, it would just be him and the two kids lots of the time and he’d try to do cute things like taking them to picnics or to the beach. but then he’d forget to do simple shit like putting a cooling charm on the sandwiches or packing towels and he would get soooo upset hugo and rose would try to cheer him up 😭 hugo would probs pick weed flowers for ron or give him broken shells or some shit

also ron is definitely that one dad who is ALWAYS surrounded by mums who volunteer at their kids’ schools or help out at their daughters dance recitals. like he is literally the only man there its hilarious

all the single mums clearly Want him too and every time hermione pulls up and she’s hit with one of the “youre sooooo lucky your husband helps out whilst youre soooo busy with work 😗” she gets premonitions of sending The BirdsTM after them too

when hugo goes to hogwarts rose forces him to have wednesday meals with her so they can have time to catch up. so i dont think rose and hugo ever really drift apart even there is a bit of an age gap. plus i imagine theyre both gryffindors so theyre always chilling in the common room too.

ron is super love dovey with hermione in front of their kids its the most disgusting thing to them. like get away from our mother you freak.

hermione and ron take baby rose and hugo to the cinema for kids movies and hermione is the one who manspreads and sleeps through 80% of it and ron is always trying not to be so moved into tears by the end

ron taught hugo how to crop dust

rose and hugo are somewhat used to people shit talking their mother because she’s literally the president, so they get pissed off but theyre kind of used to it. but do NAWTTT disrespect their father without expecting to catch a stray

hermione yaps about her kids and husband allllll the time to her colleagues in the office. shes so proud of them for just like,, existing. she will build them up as the gods amongst all children. they all know everything about rose and hugo but rose and hugo no jackshit about them.

ron keeps all of his kids’ pieces of art and school projects and baby teeth and shoes and friendship bracelets. if hermione even thinks of throwing some away (she likes a clean house) she will have to fistfight ron and suffer his days-long silent treatment (hugo and rose dont care half the time, its literally just ron who wants to keep everything).

ron does the mum thing where he pees in the dark with the door open and everyone just has to ignore it

hermione runs every parent volunteer bake sale like the military. one of the kids tried to haggle her and they were at the stalk for like 40 minutes before they mutually agreed to lower the price by 40 cents. rose was soooo embarrassed.

hugo would offer to massage hermione’s shoulders when she got back from work so he can be a good little son but he was absolutely shit at it and would get his skinny fingers and jab them into her joints to get out ‘the knot.’ it hurt her more often than not but hermione would always agree to it and say hes amazing through tears of agony

rose wanted matching hair with ron as a kid

when ron got the joke shop and hermione had rose it was literally just a shop for making babies life for the next few years until hugo grew up and george duelled him to return the shop back to its old glory

ok thats all ive yapped sm it took me like months to make this post im so sorry.

[hollow-lime-green]

my 2sorcs gushy post

2sorcs is done at last, and i feel like i've run a marathon (albeit very slowly). now that people have had a chance to read the final chapter, i want to be squishy about it for a minute. so without further ado, I yap under the cut.

it's no secret (because I can't shut the fuck up about it) that i have had a pretty rough past year of grad school. things have often not gone as planned. i'm not where i wanted or expected to be when i started this program. and yet, i think i am happier than i would have been had everything gone to plan. all of the delays and difficulty of my master's degree have forced me to sit down and actually learn how to cope with this shit instead of forcing my way through. apparently (this will shock you), i cope pretty well by writing fanfiction.

i'll be honest, when i started domains, the scope was 40k of PWP under a thin veneer of H/C and comedy. I still wanted to do a little character work, and I couldn't help but do a bit of jujutsu theorycrafting. but i very much expected it to be a one and done thing that i was writing as an easy way to get back into writing fic after a long hiatus.

while writing 2sorcs, i started doing a lot of work unpacking my own anxiety and depression, and it's been quite a journey. but it has been a much more pleasant journey than it might have been, because i can project it onto some gay boys and make them kiss. and (eventually) be happy (maybe).

many of my readers have said very kind things about my characterization in FIYM, and that makes me so happy. 2sorcs, and FIYM in general, is extremely unserious. but underneath the comedy, there's a lot of real sht. i wanted the characters and their ridiculous hangups to feel real, and i wanted their extremely illogical decisions to still make sense. because real people are like that. i'm like that, and so - as most authors do - i put a lot of myself into these characters while i write, and we can feel and grow together. (i can't say that i'm a gay special-grade jujutsu sorcerer in the 2010s, but i think we'd have a few things in common.)

FIYM is also my first time writing comedy! there's something fun about writing serious, artistic fanfic, but there is something freeing about putting the dumbest 2010s shit i can think of onto a page and seeing how much psychic damage i can inflict on my audience (and Nanami). i love that you guys are here for it. it really makes the whole writing process so much more fun.

your comments and your asks have gotten me through some of the roughest months of my life to date, and i am just so grateful to have such a rewarding hobby and community to retreat to when the real world gets dark and cold and shitty. i would not have been able to write this fic, or honestly my thesis, if i didn't have you all cheering me on in the background and reminding me that things i do make people happy. <3

so what's next?

well, 3sorcs, obviously! FIYM is far from over. i feel a liiiiittle guilty leaving you all on such a cliffhanger, but with any luck, you won't have to wait too long. i've had the outline for part 3 in the works for a long time now, although it's nice to sit and take some time to re-work it and make sure it fits the writer i am now, who has grown so much over the past two years. part 3 will be (primarily) from satoru's pov, and it may get more serious, but also more unhinged. i can't wait. i also have plans for a few more interlude pieces, including a longer multichapter focused on shokohime in this verse.

for now, though, i'll take a short break and take some time to read some of the lovely fic in this fandom and some of the books on my tbr to recharge creatively for the next and final leg of this race. and defend my masters if these motherfuckers will get off their asses and send me my test samples. i know that we might be looking at a dip in the jjk fandom, at least until new animation comes out. but i hope that by the time i am back, you guys will be here and ready for some more tomfoolery :)

if you have stuck around through my yapping, here is your reward: a 0-context snippet from part 3, 'fellas is it gay to be his one and only'.

[melodramatic-butterfly]

re introduction? / placeholder intro post until i find the time to make it prettier lol / looking for mutuals lol

hi lol

so i used to be super active here from 2016 to 2021 & then i stopped being active bc i moved my the majority of my social life onto discord between gaming & covering songs on youtube & then my discord acct last yr got hacked and then grad school took up my life and still is taking up my life lol

but now im kind of ish back bc i really miss having a community / rly want to find more people who enjoy the same interests as me, so i'd love to meet more mutuals lol & i just want to come back into the interests i used to love but stopped having time for slowly but surely

basic info ❥ my name is Silver ❥ i'm 24 yrs old (25 next month 💀) ❥ i'm a 2nd yr phd student in biomedical sciences lol and im suffering /hj ❥ despite this i only have one braincell ❥ i'm an INFJ Pisces Sun / Leo Moon / Gemini Rising

interests & the actual "looking for mutuals" post ❥ i'm a singer & audio mixer! i cover songs on youtube LOL (or at least i did when i wasnt drowning in school..... but i plan to get back into it lol ❥ i also love running fandubs LOL ive run one for a visual novel called andromeda six that i want to reset / get back into after i pass my qualification exam (uhh at least i hope i will) in may to get my masters bc i am drowning in work but i miss it sm ❥ i primarily cover kpop LOL dreamcatcher & ive are my favorite kpop groups but i love all girl groups from twice, red velvet, blackpink, baby monster, stayc, katseye, g-idle, mamamoo, oh my girl, etc. ❥ currently on a dead by daylight obsession phase - particularly i like watching the comp tournaments on youtube & reading dbd writing pieces, i dont currently play tho lmao ❥ i love astrology so much LOL i enjoy listening to astrology podcasts and learning the nitty gritty details about the math and houses and how it all works together! ❥ i also love tarot but haven't done a reading in forever lol ❥ i love playing visual novels / otome games! cupid parasite is my favorite but i love code realize and collar x malice as well. i also love indie visual novels like the arcana, cinderella phenomenon, and andromeda six

random facts that arent related to looking for mutuals at all ❥ literally im torn between "trying to be hopeful optimist that loves making connections and friendships bc friendship is really magic and what gets everyone thru the hard times" and "god. life is so hard and i feel so dead inside and my soul is gone half the time bc of school and the state of the world LOL" ❥ i feel really bad because i know i had a bunch of mutuals from various fandoms as friends on discord and i got hacked last yr LOL - i hope that everyone on that front is well (hence another reason for this long post and reblog on all of my accounts) ;w; and yea lmao ❥ lol/lmao are just my way of adding periods atp to every statement & my most used emote is the skull emote💀 ❥ i love looking at people's astrology charts LOL -- particularly my friends'

anyhow, thank u for reading! i hope we can become good friends and i'm wishing u a great day/night!

[seaweedbraens]

Um hello!!! I just realized I’ve never messaged you on tumblr but I’ve decided to rectify that because I’ve been actually obsessed with your writing for 8 years now lol.

I can confidently say you are my favorite fic writer that I’ve ever read. I haven’t read wcwthwas because I’m a grad student and 600k scares me but I WILL eventually and I also haven’t read wreck my plans because I don’t usually read incomplete works HOWEVER I have read every other fic you’ve published multiple times because I’m OBSESSED. I bookmarked heartstrings in April of 2017 and every time I’m in a mood I just pick one of your fics to make me feel better.

Specifically, I’m an absolute whore for soulmate AUs and all of yours are incredible. The way you take a common trope and find multiple ways to create such engaging new plots is breathtaking. Also, don’t you let it go may just be the best percabeth fic I’ve ever read. I have reread it probably 10 times over the last four years.

Essentially, I just want to say that you’re amazing. Your writing has meant so much to me and I have literally grown into adulthood with it and I want to say thank you.

You’re awesome and I am constantly on the edge of my seat waiting to see what you do next <3

helloo!!!!! omg first off THANK YOU — 8 years is insane to me, and even more when i think i've posted...maybe a fic a year? i do not blame you in the slightest for not touching wcwsthwas, that thing scares ME. the other day i was like "hm lemme see if i can actually read it" and i didnt make it further than chapter 2 so. no worries if you don't get to it at all. i was a grad student until last year and i fully understand not having time for literally anything, idk how you find the time to read anything at all!

(sidenote: hopefully you'll be able to read wreck my plans this year because ive finally FINALLY picked it up again but it's me so who knows)

i'm thrilled that you love my soulmate AUs!!! like you said, some of these fics are EIGHT YEARS OLD and i always wonder if they're, like, cringe now, but something about the au is so comforting to me and i don't think i'll ever be able to stop writing it. it warms me up so much to know that you still find comfort in these fics even after so long, that's why i write in the first place!

YOU'RE the awesome one, thank you for taking the time and effort to send this message, it means more to me than you know :) i know i don't post very often but i swear i have so many ideas and i hope you enjoy them whenever i finally get em down on paper!

thank you thank you thank you again for sticking with my lil old fics for this long and for reaching out to tell me that. good luck with grad school!! remember to sleep and eat and make all the good choices my dumb ass forgot to!!

[darsynia]

A Cornucopia for You!

Steve Rogers; competency, hand kink; academia; angst

It’s not like you had much of a choice in the session you were attending. Your job that had gotten you through grad school that you were going to leave as soon as the fall semester started had let you off just an hour ago, and incoming members of faculty at the university had to shadow two lectures before they began to teach, themselves. You’d already finished one the previous week, so you had one to go, but it was the last week of summer sessions before finals. So there were really only a couple of options for your department left.

Your job at the diner was by no means glamorous, and that showed right now with the way your hair was just slightly messy, tied up and out of your face to pair with the semi-professional clothing you’d changed into to attend this lecture.

It was going to be low-stakes, anyway. Summer session classes were much smaller, and this was the class of professor Levinson, one of the newer faculty members from what you garnered from the website. While it may have been a good idea to show face to your new superiors, you felt in no state to turn up at the lecture of the head of department that was currently going on right next door. Professor Rogers could officially meet you at your onboarding party at the end of the week like everyone else.

And boy were you glad to have come to Professor Levinson’s lecture. He was so beautiful, you couldn’t take your eyes off him. And way, way intelligent, too. All he was doing was a review session for the students, but you found yourself hanging on to every word. The way he applied concepts to the real, modern world was captivating, and could only be done by someone who understood their material so well. You’d been studying subject matter similar to this your entire life, but could never imagine doing it all as effortlessly as he did.

And gosh, when he wrote things out on the board, you had to clench your mouth closed, fighting the urge to salivate at the fluid way his large, and surprisingly beautiful hands moved. Better than any art piece he was lecturing on, that’s for sure. How could someone so big, muscular, and commanding, still hold so much grace?

As the lecture wrapped up, you were definitely ready to get out of there, lest you embarrass yourself in front of your new coworker by talking to him, as if your googly eyes at the way his hands wiped the chalk off of each other wasn’t enough to already do so. As you gathered yourself and placed your notebook back in your backpack, you were ready to dip out the back door, but then you heard your name called. Of course it was the gorgeous man down at the desk in the front of the room. You didn’t even have the energy right now to question how he might know who you were already, so you put a smile on your face and began to walk towards him instead.

“Professor! Wonderful lecture, thank you for letting me sit in.”

In all his passion for teaching the material, you hadn’t seen a smile as bright as the one in response to that complement. He held out his hand to shake yours and it was firm, full of warmth.

“It was my pleasure. And please, you don’t have to call me ‘professor.’ We’re colleagues! Steve is just fine.”

With that, your eyes went wide, and you tried your best to keep the easy smile on your face that the incredible man you’d been thirsting over for the last hour wasn’t just any old peer, but instead, your new head of department, Steve Rogers.

“Sorry I wasn’t able to make it to any of your interviews. But if you let me treat you to dinner, we can chat all about getting you settled!”

I did not let myself read this until I had the chance to respond, and I did that thing where the longer I didn't do something the more important it was, which meant I wasn't in the right headspace to respond, so I waited longer and and and

Ahhhh I love slightly messy hair yesssss! With all the flyaways and stuff!

I love that kind of intelligence where you just cannot stop appreciating the way they really know their stuff!! Love all of this, thank you so much!! *twirls you*

I just picture him all like

[modern-day-bard]

Worth The Feeling

A/n: Hi! This is my first time writing fanfiction and I will admit that the first few chapters are a little rocky, but hang in there and I promise it’s a fun little read. I tried to structure this story as a cutesy, lighthearted romance novel, and I think I found that pace later on. With some of the chapters containing adult content, I would ask that minors do not read or interact with my posts. There is explicit smut and fluff, and some intimidation in a couple of chapters. Other than that and the age gap (MC is 26, Javi is in his 40s), there are no other major trigger warnings. I also purposefully did not give the main character any physical descriptors, other than her being shorter than Javi, because I wanted whoever is reading it to be able to picture themselves. I found it too difficult to write the story from the perspective of “y/n.” I tried to choose a name that was hopefully racially ambiguous enough so anyone could connect with the character. Finally, if you do choose to read my story, thank you and happy reading! Summary: Ava Cohen is a 26-year-old production assistant working tirelessly to achieve her dream of one day becoming a film director. As hiatus from her last project comes to a close, she returns to set with Norwick Productions, whom she has worked with for the past four years. After a major fo paux on the first day of work, Ava is worried she has offended the star of this next production: Javi Gutierrez. She will soon come to realize, this couldn’t be further from the truth. When the cast and crew travel to Italy to film on location, the seriousness of what Ava is feeling becomes all too real, just as a new career opportunity lands in her lap. As tensions run high, watchful eyes set in, and her career is put at stake, can all of this be worth it in the end?

Content Warning: 18+

Chapter 1

I wonder if it's possible to drive with your eyes partially sealed shut. It should be illegal to be awake this early. 4:30am call time on the first day? I've been on more productions than I can count, though I fear this one will finally be the one to take me down. At least this morning we're on the sound stage as opposed to on sight in Italy. Maybe most 26-year-olds would be jumping at the opportunity to fly abroad with all expenses paid. But to me, the thought of being stuck on a steel tin in the sky for any amount of time is enough to make me consider throwing in the towel on this job all together. But I'm not going to think about that right now. I take a deep breath as I pull onto the lot. The first day on set is always the most chaotic. The amount of people who seem to forget how to do their jobs during hiatus grows every time we return. I can't judge of course, because I may soon be one of them. I've been with Norwick Productions since I was 22, and I'm already feeling burnt out after only four years. Granted, the burn out could be due to completing grad school homework until one in the morning, and arriving here before the sun came up. Regardless, my first stop is craft services for coffee. After I'm caffeinated and signed in, my duties pile high. As a Production Assistant, I'm given any and all tasks other employees didn't have time to complete. Sometimes the lack of time to complete the task was due to a lack of desire to complete it, which could lead to some pretty unfortunate chores for me. Picking up dry cleaning, faking tears over the phone to convince the fire department to give us a permit, walking talent's dogs, cleaning up said dog's poop, you name it. I even had to shave our leading lady's armpits. Twice. They take the "other duties as assigned" line on the job application to the extremes.

Talent is arriving in two hours and we still don't have everyone's trailer set up, so that is my first stop. The one thing I pride myself on is that despite being a major movie buff, I had an uncanny ability not to get starstruck. No matter how often their name was trending or how many awards these people have won, I always saw them as part of the crew. Was I a little rattled on my first set? Sure. But when you realize how helpless a lot of these rich actors are, the sparkle sort of wears off.

I typically never got a chance to read the script beforehand. It isn't a requirement of PAs, and in fact, we're not even allowed to see them every time. So until I have the call sheet in hand, I'm not sure who I am setting up these trailers for. And in my dazed need for coffee, I forgot to grab a call sheet (a huge no-no for PAs, but I'll blame it on last night's homework bender). From what I saw inside a few minutes ago, it looks like the first scene has something to do with the CIA. There were giant print-outs of the lettering all over the wall. For now, all I have to go off of is the CIA and the impending doom of travel to Italy in a few weeks. I finish prepping the two lead's trailers with a welcome letter, various snacks, and a copy of today's filming schedule. I check my watch: 6:00am. Still a half hour until they arrive. I tip my head back, taking in as much of my coffee as I can as I head toward the door of the trailer.

I swing the door open, and crash right into something hard. The movement sends my coffee splashing down the front of my shirt and dripping onto my shoes. "Shit." I hiss, looking down at my soaked t-shirt. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." A sincere male voice causes my head to snap back up. In my sleep-deprivarty, I didn't connect the fact that I had crashed into a person and not a wall. The man in front of me is taking off a pair of sunglasses, a mortified expression on his face. A face that I don't recognize. He's certainly attractive, and possibly in his forties? His dark brows are pulling together in concern, his brown eyes deep with sympathy. A rush of embarrassment creeps up my cheeks as I realize that I had walked directly into his chest when I was trying to leave the trailer. I take a step back so I don't have to crane my head to look up at him. "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking." I say quietly, warmth still coating my cheeks. "You're sorry? Don't be. I wasn't looking either." He steps inside, ducking his tall frame under the door to enter. "And your poor shirt..." He gestures to my now semi-sheer t-shirt. I put my coffee down on the small table and cross my arms over my chest. "You don't have to worry about this trailer," I say, changing the subject. "I already prepped it." "Oh, uh, thank you." He looks confused now, and he starts shrugging off a backpack I didn't realize he was carrying. He tosses the bag on one of the chairs at the table. I notice he doesn't have a walkie either. He must be new, and sure to get a talking to by Lloyd if he's dumping his stuff in a talent trailer and strolling around without a walkie. "When were you hired?" I keep my tone casual, conversational. I find that I can deal with embarrassment better if I keep the other person talking. "About five months ago, I think." He starts to run his hand across the table between us, watching his own movements carefully. I get the sense that he's trying not to look at me. "Well, welcome aboard. I should warn you that the director is pretty strict about PAs walking around without walkies. Trust me, I got my ass handed to me during my first week. Super embarrassing." I roll my eyes for emphasis. He looks up at me then, his smile warm, and his tone carries a humor that I don't quite understand when he says, "Thank you. I'll keep it in mind." "No problem. Oh, and I'm Ava." I extend my hand and he takes it. His hand envelopes mine, and I realize in that moment that he is quite a bit larger than me. This realization, combined with the warmth on his palm makes me feel funny. "I'm Javi." He smiles again. "Good to meet you," I say, taking my hand back to check my watch once more. "Talent should be arriving soon so wherever you need to be, I would head over there now." I walk toward the door as I say it, taking extra care when opening the door this time. "I'm sorry again, Ava." He calls after me, his voice still just as sincere as the first time he apologized. "Don't worry about it!" I call back, closing the door behind me. I take the few steps down from the trailer, breathing a sigh of relief to be out of that moment. However, that sigh gets sucked back down my throat when I see the two words in bold on the front of the trailer I just left. Javi Gutierrez

And if my cheeks were red before, now they are maroon.

Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

[door]

1! 6! 11! 25! 26! 33! 41! 42! 48! 52! 54! 69! hoo boy that's a lot. also how's 30s

hi! oh wow that is a lot. enjoy??? (for the 30s ask meme)

gonna answer the last thing first because honestly i've loved my 30s, and since i'm going into my final year of them it seems apt to reflect. i figured out i was queer like a month before i turned 30, so my 30s have been about queerness and community, about taking risks on things that previously i thought i were too old for. i moved cities and careers, i got a masters degree, i found sooooo much friendship and interests and hobbies and got every single one of my tattoos. i am more myself now than i have ever been before. i used to joke that i had been waiting my whole life to turn 30, but i think that was true actually. getting older rules.

What was the first piece of furniture you bought?

off with a BANG. i think it was probably a knock-off saarinen tulip table i got from craigslist when i was in grad school the first time, long long ago. i think the guy had found the base (which may in fact be genuine) and he built a wooden top for it. it's lovely and i think i paid $100 for it. we don't have room for it in the current house (it's dining room sized, about 5 ft across), so it's hiding in my aunt's basement for now.

6. Most precious thing one of your pets has destroyed?

this wasn't actually one of mine, but my parents' dog punkin. the first and only thing i won at auction was a poster for the 1976 50th anniversary of the 1925 exposition des artes decoratifs (which cemented the art deco style and later contributed its name), and punkin ate it. i can still barely talk about it. looked like this:

11. What’s something you saved up for and then regretted buying?

weirdly the first thing i think of is an inflatable chair i got from kb toys in the mall when i was a kid. i thought that thing was going to change my life. it didn't. i cried. my mom helped me return it.

25. Favorite old person activity?

playing solitaire with real cards. when i was a kid, while the rest of us were rolling in the sand and getting our teeth knocked out by waves at the beach, my grandma would sit inside and play solitaire. one year i joined her. she taught me SO many varieties of solitaire and i remember em all.

26. Would you rather sit on the porch drinking sweet tea or sit by the lake drinking beers?

i don't drink alcohol so sweet tea gets my vote. lake vs porch really depends on the breeze situation, but most likely lake. i love a body of water.

33. What’s something you collect?

edward gorey books, including paperbacks he did covers for. also linda ronstadt records

41. What’s the oldest thing you own?

i don't know! i have a lot of old furniture i inherited or found in thrift stores so i really don't know how old any of that is. it might be a ring that belonged to my great-grandmother. it probably dates to the mid-19th century.

42. What’s an unjustifiably expensive appliance that you really want?

a roomba! which is unjustifiable in part because of the weirdness of our house. but how will we know until we try it!

also: this coffee grinder (unjustifiable because we have a perfectly good one already but this one is red) and this milk pan.

48. If you could build your home from scratch, what outrageous feature would you want to build into it?

A CONSERVATORY!!! i want a glasshouse i want to fill it with plants and enjoy the OUTSIDE while INSIDE. that's the dream.

but also like. so many secret passages.

52. Did your relationship with your parents get better when you stopped living with them?

i think it got worse, actually.

54. Do you decorate your house for holidays? Which ones?

i decorate the yard for halloween (full graveyard babey), but any spooky decorations that go up inside the house usually become permanent. we don't have room for anything more than stockings in the current house, but i put christmas lights up on the porch and around a doorway inside.

69. What are you looking forward to next week?

my paycheck lol

[butmakeitgayblog]

Can you write awtr and break our hearts over and over again with Clarke knowing full well what she signed up for when she chooses to be Lexa’s wife? Did Lexa ever wish that she could spare Clarke the heartache of becoming an eventual widow? 💔

Of course she did 🥺

From the beginning it was always Lexa who assumes this thing between them is finite.

That's basically how the proposal comes about.

Because earlier in the day when she'd been talking to Gus and he had brought up the subject of Clarke, their conversation had come to a rather acrimonious end because she already knew everything he was trying to say. And so when she meets Clarke at the diner and they share a salad (her choice) and a shake (Clarke's 😏🙄), it's with every intention to get everything out on the table. They've had a great summer together but things are winding down now and she knows what part of their story has to come to next.

Except... When she asks when Clarke is planning on heading back to school, says she hopes she hasn't been dragging her feet with it because she's heard that grad classes fill up fast, Clarke just smiles and looks at her like she's gone crazy because, "Lex, I'm not going back."

Which is insane. Because of course she is. Because she's worked too hard to just give up now. Because she'd thought Clarke was over this self sabotaging act and gotten serious about what she wants in life. And, ok yes they've been slacking on her early studies the last couple of weeks what with all of The Sex, but it's not like Clarke will actually be behind when she gets there—

It takes Clarke roughly 4 sighs and sitting through the tirade with a level of patience she generally doesn't possess to get Lexa to shush up long enough to explain, "I'm not quitting, baby, I'll go back eventually. But I've already talked to my advisor and gotten everything in order... I'm taking a year long break from school. I'm staying here with you."

Dismay is Lexa's first reaction. Because how can Clarke say that and still be looking at her so lovingly?

Feeling sick to her stomach is her second reaction, though to be fair that might in part have to do with the half quart of milkshake she'd just ingested.

Crying, wanting to cry. That is her third reaction. Because Clarke can't do this. She can't throw away everything she's worked for just for h— Just for this.

But Clarke, stubborn and exasperatingly bullheaded Clarke apparently has very much thought out how she wants her life to go. So she sits Lexa down at 'their' table at Gus's and tells her in no uncertain terms what she plans.

"I want to marry you. I'd do it tonight if I could, but I'm fairly sure that's unrealistic. But whatever you decide, whenever you decide, I need you to know that I want this with you. The sooner, the better," she says with zero hesitation. And it's such a surreal moment for Lexa.

This girl who Lexa had spent the better part of her life pining over on so many of her loneliest days, the girl who'd eternally felt so far out of reach and who'd never give Lexa the time of day, is telling her she wants her. That she wants to be with her for as long as she can have her, in sickness and in health, however long of each that may be. Telling her that it wouldn't matter if they had a day together or a year, or ten years, or twenty more after that waiting for them down the line. That she'd still want to marry her. Right here, right now. Telling her that marriage and commitment isn't about getting a 'good' or 'bad' deal out of things because she knows by those standards, she'd always be fighting a losing battle. But for her, being with Lexa, it's about wanting to be bonded to her forever. To put in the work of loving and caring for her right up until the... Till the end...

Nothing else in the world matters. Everything else feels so small compared to them. And even when faced with the reality that if they do this, if Lexa says yes and that she will be a widow within a year, Clarke doesn't seem to have to think at all about her answer.

"I know what it means. And it doesn't change anything for me. I know what I want, Lexa... I want you."

And for Clarke, it really is that simple.

Lexa never had a chance of arguing with that.

[nonbayanary]

ES21 AU where everything's the same, except Sena is a college student whose graduation is delayed. So Hiruma and Kurita are the only two members of the Devilbats right?

Cue Hiruma sees Sena running. Sena, a guy who definitely does not look like a high schooler (his eyes hold the exhaustion of an adult) but his tiny height can pass him off as a teenager.

Like imagine how much WILDER es21 would be if Sena weren't even a student in Deimon. Sena's still enrolled in college, and though he's set to graduate in the next few months, he has no more subjects or requirements to fulfill (except graduation requirements like grad pics and shit).

Eyeshield 21's identity would be even harder to figure out bcs Sena isn't even a student in Deimon. And Sena would get fucking terrified of players who are definitely younger than him, but BIGGER AND BUFFER than him.

Hiruma & the Devilbats take on the Death March, and after everyone finds out Sena is Eyeshield, the common joke floating around is that Sena's their adult supervision (at least until Doburoku joins them).

And it would be completely jarring to see Sena and Hiruma side by side. It would be all too easy to compare Sena to Hiruma. Sena is biologically older, but Hiruma acts more like an adult. Sena is older but Hiruma's taller. Imagine Sena's insecurities bubbling and frothing just under the surface.

Sena would give his teammates advice on Adulting 101 (what HE'S experienced, at least) and about college entrance exams, and which colleges might suit his team members. The Devilbats may joke about Sena's height and shit, but he'd garner even more respect BOTH because he's Eyeshield, AND because he helps guide these kouhais of his in navigating adolescence and high school life.

This older version of Sena would just as easily fit in with the second-years because he himself is a senpai. (The senpai-est out of all of them.)

And imagine how much WORSE the consequences would be if anyone found out Eyeshield 21's true identity. Sena would NOT BE ALLOWED to play for Deimon, it would be against regulations for a college student to play in the highschool level.

And what would Hiruma do to prevent that? He may be cruel but he definitely would not erase Sena's own highschool and college records just to enroll him into Deimon. That would nullify and invalidate YEARS of Sena's effort, and that shit is too cruel even for Hiruma. And he would be even LESS inclined to do it after he sees how embarassed and ashamed Sena is that his graduation got delayed.

Would Hiruma craft a fake identity for Sena? That would be the easiest thing to do: "Oh, this guy? He's Yamada Sena from class 1-C!" That would go downhill FAST when Sena gets famous after his identity is revealed. And it's much more of a "when" than an "if" because Hiruma knows that Sena's speed will only propel him to fame.

If Sena were a college student, ES21 would veer more towards intrigue and suspense (at least, more suspense than there is in canon). It begs the question: WHAT WOULD HIRUMA DO???

[wooahaes]

is it... is it not mutual anymore? :(

first of all anon the lil :( is so cute of u thank u for checking on me haha i was just kinda surprised its only been a week when it feels like its been way longer

but uh. ill go into it under a readmore.

its... kinda complicated? we still like each other, but i think being back in this situation reminds me of the last time i was in Something with a guy similar to this one (the biggest difference is current guy actually cares and adheres to my boundaries and i do the same for him). i think i've been kinda open with the fact how i was in an abusive... something with someone (said guy was never my bf, but we weren't Just friends, yknow? situationship or w/e you wanna call it) and this guy reminds me a little too much of the good parts of that other guy (few as they may be). he knows of said past (we were friends well before this and i've mentioned said ex-something before), and he's been mindful of it in the same way i try to openly communicate and discuss things with him (once i know how i feel).

like idk. i set a boundary recently, he's fully adhered to it, but i think that realization has... ultimately sent the fucked up part of me into defense mode and i don't know if i'm actually ready to be in a relationship. we're still going on another date next week and i've set that as the day for me to figure out how i feel for sure. i still feel fluttery and warm with him now, but if it's all punctuated by this dread i can't get rid of... then it's not fair to either of us, y'know? i'll admit said dread isn't as intense as it was before, so maybe i will be fine, but at the same time... he deserves to be in something with someone who Can fully be there for him and i'm still figuring out how much of a hold my trauma still has on me.

if anything, this might just be "right person, wrong time" if i'm honest. he likes me, i like him, but we've both agreed we can call this off at any time and go back to being friends without worry since we both have our fair share of baggage. nothing wrong with that, y'know? just... i guess i didn't how affected i am until it became real.

i'm still figuring it all out though! maybe this will pass, but... i dunno. i think if anything, i'm trying to use this as a learning experience for myself? if this doesn't work out, then i know i need to figure out what's scaring me so badly so that when i can, i can work it out in therapy. if it does work out, therapy is still in the cards, just... gotta figure things out.

i keep feeling like a shitty person for thinking "we'll do this next date, and then i'll figure myself out" but i know i still want to go on it. it's only a second date, y'know? it's okay if things don't work out. but... idk, the guilt is still there.

on top of that, i think i'm also dealing with a lot outside of this and it's definitely affecting me. figuring out grad school, dealing w my family, etc... it's a lot haha and maybe that's another sign i'm not fully ready yet.

but we'll figure it out. and if it doesn't work out, we'll probably take the time we need to take care of ourselves, and then we'll go back to being friends. neither of us wants to lose a close friendship just because we went on a few dates and it didn't work out, and i hope he's as determined as i am to ensure that doesn't happen. he's sweet. he deserves the world. and if that's not with me, then i'm still going to happily stand by and cheer him on--because he said he'd do the same for me, too.

[atinylittlepain]

Sunday Digest

we're back, baby! my strep is gone, my classes are done, and I've got lots of goodies lined up for the weeks to come :)

you may have noticed that i've been doing a little housekeeping, getting some new character masterlists ready for some new stuff i'm working on and you can expect those fics to start rolling out in the next two weeks

just a reminder, I am going on hiatus on June 13th and won't be back until mid-August. and, to be honest, things will still be slow, probably until January when I'm done with grad school applications. but i will be back!

...........................

coming this week

Apothecary chapter 8 on Tuesday - this will be the second to last chapter before this series goes on summer break along with me lol - but fear not, this story is far from finished, think of it as a TV show season coming to an end with more to come soon

Dio request coming on Wednesday - a small little thang that was left over from my baby fic prompts

A very very special Joel oneshot coming on Thursday - hehehehe

in case you missed it

Apothecary chapter 7 came out last Tuesday - catch up before the new chapter!

A sweet Expectings fic came out on Thursday - dad!joel for the soul

.............................

awesome stuff I've read recently

I am so excited for @jksprincess10's new Joel series called Dressed For Revenge, the first chapter was so compelling and I'm stoked to read more!

My gin twin has a new Frankie series, Burn Slowly / I Love You. Mans is a firefighter, alright? enough said

A return to my roots, Steve Harrington, @carolmunson posted a new addition to her PBV!Steve universe called Is He Rich Like Me? good fucking lord, nobody is doing it like Carol, lemme tell you

@whataperfectwasteoftime has a priest!Marcus Pike fic called Lead Me Not Into Temptation that was so well written, so brilliant, and it'll leave your jaw on the floor, it's that good

@cutesyscreenname blew me away this week with the latest chapter of Cowboy Like Me. If you aren't reading this series, what the heck are you doing? Get on it, babes, it's so good

@thetriumphantpanda has a new Joel series called Ghost of You and I just know already that it's going to break my heart and then put it back together again, so lovely

@beskarandblasters posted a new Din Djarin oneshot and I've only got two words for you: thigh riding. Brilliant, a little funny, and very hot

..................................

that's what I've got for y'all today. sending lots of care and gratitude out to everyone, especially other writers who continue to blow me away with their talent <3

with care

gin

[sskim-milkk]

Some College Advice!

Hello! Hi! Greetings!

A bit of a different post for me, but I felt compelled to write about this. This is for anyone about to start college, is thinking about going to college, or maybe you're still in high school. Specifically, people who are doubting their academic abilities and ability to get good grades in college, especially regarding math.

For as long as I can remember, math was my struggle subject. I never liked it and since I didn't do well I just accepted that I could never get better and put minimal effort into trying to improve. It got especially worse in high school with higher math classes like pre-calc. My saving grace was being able to take accounting instead of calculus senior year, otherwise I definitely would have failed that class. The other problem was that I went to a very small high school with one math teacher for all of high school. His teaching style did not work for me and tutoring was also pretty much nonexistent at that school.

Fast forward to my very first semester at college. I was in a science major and I was very nervous for all of the math classes I would have to take. I was very doubtful of myself and sure I would have to switch to a less mathy major. But I liked science, so I was willing to try.

My math placement scores were pretty low, so I was placed in the pre-college algebra class I think.

My first test? Bombed it. I cried to my mom over the phone when I got my grade, thinking to myself that there was no way I could get my grade back up and I would fail this already very easy class and would have to change my major.

My mom convinced me to keep trying though, and I did much better on the next test with the help of tutoring and trying to have the mindset of "I can do this!"

By the end of the semester, I got my grade up from a D to an A.

My math class the next semester, college algebra, I also passed with an A.

Perhaps it was changing my mindset. Perhaps it was was more tutoring resources. Perhaps it was the different instructors. Probably a mix of all 3 that led me to this academic success.

I understand that both of these classes aren't necessarily 'difficult' when compared to calculus or physics. But, for a gal who has always struggled with math, this has been a huge accomplishment for me.

I also know that as my classes get continually harder I won't always get A's, but I know now more strategies to help me succeed, and I have also gained the confidence to strive for better in my academics. I changed my major to something I'm way more passionate about in the sciences than my major before, and now I plan on attending grad school with a focus in marine biology, and will hopefully one day also get my PhD. I thought those would be unreachable goals when I started college.

I wanted to pass on my experience to anyone else who may be in the same boat I was, either in math or a different subject. There is always room for improvement! Have the mindset of "I can do this difficult thing!" Go to tutoring, go to office hours, watch different videos on the same subject until one video explains it in a way that you understand, form study groups! You can succeed!