#still despite me knowing this I have very big feelings about having to be me

[takes1]

newest drop was fire bro🙌🔥🔥🔥

oikawa crushing on quiet!reader

ts made me smile. much appreciated ❤️ no smut this time; i'm getting smut fatigue. needed a short palette cleanser. thinking about doing some short form stuff while i work through the pre-january requests.

warnings. none, sfw

details. fem!reader / fluffy, feel-good fic / quiet!reader / oikawa crushing / 'weird'!reader / nerd x popular trope / oikawa is obsessed with you / based off of the 'hi wayne/bye wayne' audio / whipped!oikawa / iwa being a good person / 800 words

links. my masterlist. more haikyuu. my ao3.

"Hi, Tohru," You said, just as you did every day, to turn in your homework to the teacher's desk.

Oikawa was leaning forward, engaged in finishing a hushed story with Iwazumi. But your light, airy tone -void of any old, tired motive- took precedence with no further thought.

"-And then he was-- Hi, (Y/n)."

He perked up in many ways, just in time for you to walk by his desk again. Eyes wider, an uncontrollable smile brightening his former, serious expression- his brow softer, as he twisted to watch you return to your seat.

It was unclear why you felt comfortable enough to be on a first-name basis. Oikawa didn't mind. It distinguished you, like many things did, from the girls who only spoke to him because they were after something.

"The fuck was that?" Iwa searched his expression, finding some kind of emotion, or thought pattern at the very least, that he had never seen on his friend before.

Oikawa turned back around, confused, but not defensive.

"What?"

"That," Iwa asserted, shortly before he was called to face forward. He muttered, under his breath, "-That look on your face."

Oikawa was left to figure it out, a hint of effort on his brow, for the remainder of class.

Lunch eventually came around. He was still feeling different, and wasn't sure if it was what Iwa pointed out, or not.

In the process of standing to grab his lunch from his bag, and go eat outside like he usually did with his friend, he caught a quick glimpse of you. You were folding another addition to the row of tiny, paper cranes on your desk.

"C'mon," Iwa shouldered his bag.

Oikawa took a step, but lingered a moment longer.

You were sitting alone, but you didn't look sad about it. The seat in front of you was empty.

He filled it, despite Iwa's quiet protests, and sat backwards to watch you. The bench they usually chose to sit at sucked, because it was regularly bombarded with people he didn't know, all trying to talk to him. He usually never got to eat his lunch.

"Hi Tohru," You smiled, choosing not to look at him, in order to focus on your craft.

His reply was a fond sigh, "Hi, (Y/n)."

From here, he had the privilege of finally getting a good look at your face.

There was a sort of mild, unbothered, pleasantness to you. You weren't worried about anything else. You didn't give a damn that he was here, much less that he couldn't take his eyes off of you.

Iwa flicked him, hard, in the back of the head. It was after he shot back upright, rubbing the sore spot, that he realized he had been leaning slowly forward.

"Don't be a dick," Iwa muttered.

The assumption was such a leap in logic that Oikawa had no idea what he meant. You added another crane, that tiny, permanent smile on your pretty face.

He ignored him. Instead, he opted to try talking to you for the first time, "Um- are you going to eat your lunch?"

Still not looking at him, you were tearing off another page-- "I forgot it."

Again, you didn't seem like you minded such a dismal thing. Without much further thought, he grabbed his and set it in your workspace.

This was the only time you would look up at him.

A shudder wracked down his spine, rendering his voice a bit weak, "Yo-u can have mine."

There was some consideration in your eyes, before you pushed it back towards him, and refocused on your paper, "No. You need to eat. Aren't you playing a big match, soon?"

The way you asked made it seem like you weren't looking for an answer.

"Uh-," He did you the liberty of freeing up your desk space again, lunch box in his clammy hands, "Yeah- yeah, we are."

Iwa was getting tired of standing- you heard him shift his weight and sigh. He was still under the assumption that Oikawa was trying to flirt for some useless, and cruel joke.

"You can sit there," You motioned to the desk next to Oikawa.

His inflection was stilted, and his cadence was slow as he, hesitantly, took a seat.

"Thanks..."

It was quiet for a while, aside from the other students chatting from further back in the classroom. Iwa watched his friend face forward and eat slowly, slouched at the shoulders. It was an unusual sight.

Gradually, it dawned on him that this superficial pretty boy -in a rare, natural phenomenon- held a deeply genuine and innocent crush.

When they got up at the ring of the next bell, you were about 20 cranes deep. Oikawa left you, with another wistful stare, to head back to his seat. Though he loved how you didn't need to fill the silence, he wished he could make more conversation with you.

The classroom began filling up again, getting louder, and crowded for the next subject.

He was flitting his pencil between his sluggish fingers, a frown deep and heavy against his knuckles, when you came into view once more.

Another precious moment of hopeful, heart-pounding glee.

You placed a crane on his desk, then straightened it up, "Bye, Tohru."

This time, you waited long enough for him to properly respond, dawning that uncontrollable grin again, "Bye, (Y/n)."

☆VIP☆

@integers @paradoxicalwritings @yuchacco

my masterlist. more haikyuu

[littlcdarlin]

dbf!Joel headcanons

warnings: big, though unspecified age gap, 18+ (as always)

note: Uni has been kicking my ass, so I’ve only had time for some headcanons lately. This Joel is very sweet, but I’m open to writing sleazy or dark Joel, too! If you have requests for any headcanons, I will be able to write them even during this stressful time. Full fics will take me a while longer. Enjoy reading, my loves <3 and feel free to add stuff!

He doesn’t really know how to cook well and mostly eats his faves every day but when you stay over more and more he makes an effort to learn and actually finds out he really likes it

Whatever pressure your parents put on you, he relieves it by accepting it rather than trying to fix it for you — you can just exist around him without expectation

He worries the age difference means you don’t have much to talk about, so he watches your favourite show that you mentioned and although it certainly wouldn’t have been his first pick, it lets him unwind. He likes watching something he knows you’ve watched and loved when you’re not around, it makes him feel closer to you

When he first starts looking at you differently he blue balls himself so as not to disrespect you — when he has sex with someone to relieve himself, he accidentally says your name to them

He keeps a polaroid of you in his wallet and cashiers wonder why he smiles at his debit card so much

He finds it hard to stay friends with your dad, because it makes him feel weird about this dynamic with you. He distances himself from your parents after they react badly to the news of your relationship, not because of guilt or cowardice, but because he doesn’t tolerate how they treat you

He thought he would hate the gossip after the two of you go public, but when you do, he finds himself imagining knocking you up just so everyone knows what he does to you. He opts for lots of hickeys until kids might be a possibility, but that doesn’t stop him from pretending you don’t have an IUD when he finishes inside of you

He loves when you wear his clothes, but when you forget your scarf at his place he wears it and enjoys that just as much — it smells like you and he likes the idea of people being able to tell it’s somebody else’s

When he figures out how much you like him talking to you during sex, he starts using the same voice/phrases in public to get you flustered & wet for him

He keeps everything that reminds him of you, like parking tickets etc. He doesn’t do anything with those things, doesn’t put them in a box, so they linger around his house, reminding him of you the way photographs would, except more privately

He starts “putting in an effort” for you when you start dating: styling his hair & wearing clothes he thinks you would prefer, until you tell him you like nothing more than his flannels and band tees and jeans, and although he doesn’t tell you, he’s beyond relieved. He realises you like him for him

When you tell your parents, Joel asks your father to hit him because “he knows he deserves it”. With time he learns he also deserves your kisses and smiles. Those things coexist within him, he thinks both are true

Despite completely supporting you in your pursuit of a degree & career, he likes when you’re on holiday, waiting around for him in his house wearing nothing but a pair of panties he bought for you & one of his hoodies. During those lazy weeks, he fucks you morning, afternoon, and night: before he leaves, when he gets home, and right before you go to sleep

He buys you a ring during the first week of dating because you mentioned how much you like it. He doesn’t give it to you until he knows you feel certain about him — he doesn’t want to freak you out. Still, even before that, he sometimes looks at it in its little black box and envisions it on your finger

During your first couple of “public dates” (neighbourhood barbecue where your parents are present etc.) he refrains from touching you much, although everyone knows about your relationship. You have to take his hand and initiate small touches for him to feel more comfortable

It takes him a short while, but then he loves being able to touch you in front of people: a hand on your lower back, an arm across your shoulder, his fingers lacing through yours, him pulling your back against his front and wrapping his arms around you. People stare sometimes (your Dad breaks one or two wine glasses in his hand), but Joel stops caring when he sees how happy it makes you

He tells you that you can change things about his home, that it should feel like your place, too and asks if you want to go shopping for “candles and stuff”, but you love being in a space that feels completely like him. It’s not how your apartment looks, but it makes you feel at ease, like you’re somehow living inside of him

Before he tells you he loves you, he whispers it in your ear when you’re sleeping, hoping your subconscious will somehow pick up on it. When he does tell you while you’re awake for the first time, it’s during breakfast. You stub your toe, and let out a string of curses you must have picked up on from him, and while he presses ice against your foot, kneeling in front of you, he smiles up and tells you: I love you.

The first time you sleep over at his house after he spent the night in your apartment, two brand new bottles of the shampoo and conditioner you use are in his shower. You thank him and jokingly ask why he didn’t buy your shower gel, too. He kisses you and tells you he likes when you smell like him.

He likes making you come more times than you thought you could — something about moving in and out of you while you tell him you can’t do it again, that you’re done, and then watching you fall apart on his cock anyway, thrills him to the bone. It makes him feel powerful, but part of it is knowing you let him fuck you without expecting an orgasm, that him being inside of you is enough for you to feel good

He doesn’t tell you, but he adds your name to his car insurance, so that you can drive it whenever you want

When you figure it out you give him road head every time the two of you drive somewhere — until he almost crashes the car and he forbids you to tempt him while he’s behind the wheel

He’s so nervous he asks Tommy for help when picking out a birthday gift for you — Tommy goes overboard and the gift turns out to be something completely ridiculous like a pair of huge earrings you would never wear. You tell Joel you don’t need a big fuss to feel loved by him. At night, he gives you a present he’s been wanting to give you for a while: he plays you a song he wrote for you on his guitar. It’s quiet and simple and so perfect you cry for half an hour

He doesn’t sleep well when you’re not around, and loves being close to you at night. If he could, he’d sleep nestled inside of you after a round of lazy midnight sex every night

As much as Tommy annoys him, it makes him happy to see how well you two get along. When you become actual friends with Tommy and hang out with him on your own, he’s more than pleased: the two people he loves the most in the world have become close

He would never ask it of you, but when you tell him you have stopped masturbating because he fucks you so often, it pleases him deeply. He likes being the only source of your pleasure. When you are apart for a while because of work/collage etc., he buys you a toy he can control from his phone

He tells Tommy he thinks he’s going to marry you during the first month of dating, which you find out about only on your wedding day during Tommy’s speech

[mareastrorum]

Been chewing more on how C3 wound up here. What’s throwing me is the strange shift from the cast’s unflinching “yes, and” game in C2 to a misplaced feeling that they need to choose correctly in C3.

I want to be clear here that this isn’t a criticism post because I genuinely don’t know what’s happening here. It’s just odd behaviors that seem to signal a problem, and I don’t know what solution would resolve it. I’m not going to be so presumptuous as to hypothesize about any cast member’s thoughts.

In the Cooldown for C3E118 (and offhandedly previously), Laura and Ashley expressed some nervousness about making big decisions because they’re worried about making the “wrong” choice. Without more, that attitude alone would explain much of the party’s indecisiveness about key campaign questions. After all, their characters are the two Ruidusborn of most interest to the campaign villains, and other characters (especially Orym, Laudna, and Ashton) have insisted that Imogen and Fearne take the lead on Predathos.

But this isn’t a story in a vacuum. C2 got completely derailed multiple times. The Mighty Nein decided to steal a pirate ship and leave the continent the campaign was set on; shortly after they returned, they decided to reopen a collapsed tunnel to go the opposite side of the continent; then Caleb returned the Luxon Beacon and made themselves heroes of an enemy nation instantly. That’s not even getting into the fact that Molly died before the Nein got to Shadycreek Run (which absolutely would have been all about his backstory) or that Twiggy left an incredible magical artifact that wasn’t supposed to be given to the Nein. Each time, Matt adjusted and made it work. Granted, C2 was more of a sandbox campaign, but Matt demonstrated his flexibility as a DM time and again.

Like, as a general rule of thumb, DMs shouldn’t offer options that would torpedo the campaign. It’s rational to avoid situations that have a genuine possibility of undercutting the game. Matt has been DMing for a long time; he’s done a very good job of finding ways to make the campaign work regardless of the decisions the players make. Even when players do something directly against the signals he threw out (like Ashton trying to absorb a second shard despite consistent, dire warnings that it would kill him), he works with the players to come to a reasonable solution (Ashton survived but the shard wouldn’t take, and he got some character moments out of the failure). We, the audience, know Matt is good at pivoting when he needs to.

In addition to taking the players’ curveballs like a champ, Matt also takes big swings for the sake of the story. In C1, Matt broke his biggest city with a dragon invasion, then made a new god leading an undead titan to go stomp out the world’s oldest civilization. In C2, he let the players go off the map whenever and still made the digression relevant to their character arcs every time. Not to be parasocial, but if we can figure out that that Matt can handle this sort of thing, the players certainly have a better feel for it than us.

So what is going on in C3? We know Matt isn’t scared of breaking Exandria or destroying the pantheon: he set that possibility in motion as the default ending if the players did nothing. CR literally did a mini series about the start of the end of the world with EXU Calamity. Laura and Ashley were also in Downfall and making big choices between the gods and mortals. Breaking stuff is what they do!

Where did this idea that there’s a “wrong” choice come from? That type of thinking kills a lot of great improv, and the whole point of the “yes, and” exercise is to shake it off. While it’s incredibly obvious to say not to think that way, the real issue is sorting out why that mentality has taken hold at all. That’s a problem no amount of fan discussion is going to resolve.

[gods-favorite-autistic]

Selkie Fabian with selkie Hallariel au you see the vision

Bill accidentally stole Hallariels pelt while he was pillaging in Fallinel and Hallariel fucking hunted him down

Bill fell in love the second she took his eye out but Hallariel only married him because he promised her a life of freedom and adventure on the sea something she’d never had before and she fell in love with him along the way

Telemaine was extremely protective of his daughter because he knew that like a half elf half selkie wouldn’t be very well received in Fallinel so she always hid her selkie-ness up until she left and stopped giving a shit about what Kei Lumennura thought

Part of why she left was because Telemaine refused to let her near the sea (he insisted that her mother learned to live without the sea to keep herself safe so she could too) but he finally caved after Bill stole her pelt because “I’m in danger either way at least I’m not miserable at sea”

She planned on only marrying Bill for a few years before going back home until she actually fell in love and then got pregnant

Fabian was allowed a lot more freedom than Hallariel had growing up but he was still told a bunch of horror stories about selkies getting their pelts stolen so he is very protective of his pelt

Like so protective that the Bad Kids didn’t even find out until like halfway through sophomore year (he only told them because Riz jokingly tried it on when they were all hanging out and Fabian snatched it away in a panic)

The main reason they have as big of a pool as they do is because Hallariel insisted on having someplace her and Fabian could shift

Fabian still misses the ocean terribly and travels down there on weekends he can get away

When Kalvaxus set their houses on fire he had to stop himself from running to check his room and find his pelt because his parents were in danger

When he got home after prom Cathilda immediately handed his pelt to him because she knew he’d be panicking about it

Cathilda knows about Fabian being a selkie (of course she does she practically raised him) but he didn’t realize she knew until he was about 12 (he thought he was being sneaky) so it became sort of a game for her to see how much she could tease him about it before he realized she knew

She insists on washing his pelt because he insists on storing it with the rest of his clothes and she doesn’t want it to get dirty (she always framed it as something similar to giving his selkie form a shower) but she has a rigorous washing process that she insists on doing every time despite it taking like an hour each time

The first week after she gets sober Hallariel takes Fabian down to the beach and gets in the ocean for the first time since she had him

Before Fabian she always insisted she would not become some trophy piece lying around Bill Seacasters house like most of the selkies she’d heard about who married pirates (and the she had Fabian and then…yeah)

Fabian and Mazey have a tendency to borrow each others clothes and it’s all great fun until Mazey takes his pelt without realizing thinking it’s just a regular coat (he is scared to death of telling anyone he’s romantically involved with that he’s a selkie cause, y’know, horror stories) and he has a genuine panic attack when he can’t find it

About an hour after this happens Riz (who Fabian had asked to find the pelt) shows up at Mazey’s doorstep demanding the pelt back and Mazey is just so confused

Fabian finally tells her like a week later and she feels just so bad

Hallariel doesn’t fully trust the Bad Kids until she learns they know Fabian is a selkie

Gorgug starts joining Fabian on his late night oceanside trips after they all find out (he says it’s because it’s not safe for Fabian to be out there alone but it’s really because he just wants to hang out with his friend)

So so many beach trips with the party over summer after junior year (would’ve been sophomore but yknow night yor-*I am shot in the head by Riz Gukgak killing me instantly*)

Kristen challenges Fabian to an underwater breath holding contest and like just to freak them out he just kinda stays under for like 5 minutes

He can stay underwater for a while when he has his pelt but when he got possessed on Leviathan sophomore year he had to leave it behind and when he doesn’t have it he’s kinda shit at holding his breath naturally (he never trained it because he assumed he wouldn’t have to deal with being in the water without his pelt a lot but he started training it after that)

He has control over how much he shifts when he’s in the water with his pelt so unless it’s been like a while and he’s craving the ocean he’ll usually go for just like patches of seal fur along his body and occasionally he’ll let his feet turn partially tail-like if he feels like swimming a lot

The Bad Kids think his patchy form is just so adorable (he would be fully human around them since he’s still not fully comfortable with it but the halfway form is kind of the lowest he’s able to dial it when he has his pelt in the water)

Jawbone finds out partway through junior year (Adaine makes an off handed remark about Fabian’s pelt and he was just very confused) and once he finds out he immediately starts researching the shit out of selkies

He finds out that there’s a support group at Aguefort for selkie students and he gives Fabian the information

Fabian very reluctantly goes and actually enjoys it a lot (it’s less like a support group like it says and just kinda like a place for selkie students to hang out and bond with other selkies) so he keeps going weekly

They were all very skeptical of him when he first showed up (I mean the most popular kid in school who is also the son of a world renowned pirate showing up to a selkie hangout when nobody knows he’s a selkie feels like a red flag) but he brought his pelt with him just in case to make sure they knew he wasn’t an enemy

At first he has a bunch of people giving him pity because they assume Bill basically abducted his mom but he shuts that shit down quick (“if my papa tried to abduct my mama she would’ve taken out his other eye and slit his throat”)

They are all so jealous of the fact that he actually lived on the sea for most of his life (they have a monthly trip to the beach because most of them aren’t able to go out that much and a good majority of the people in Elmville have lived there all their lives or most of their lives)

Ok yeah that’s it for now I just got selkie Fabian in my head and couldn’t get it out

[solaiced]

i felt generous so today im ranking the eaters🤑🤑 of jjk

11—choso.

poor baby:( he just came out of the jar, don’t blame him, he doesn’t know how to. but he learns quickly, and he’s motivated! so don’t worry, even if he munches your clit the wrong way, he’s very open to criticism.

10—satoru.

he sucks. but, fear not, his ego is big enough to use toys in the bedroom so that you’re satisfied. and his cock is just as big to fill you up in all the right sweet spots! so you still manage to cum. eating you out is just prep to prepare you for what’s to cum.

9—takuma.

he doesn’t really know he’s bad, and honestly you feel bad for him. you were each other’s first times, so it’s not like you could teach him. but as time progresses, he’ll get better, and eventually be a pro!

8—yuki.

before you, she’s only ever dated and fucked men. so it’s obvious that she only knows the basics. she manages to make you cum, though, so you don’t complain too much.

7—kento.

again, you were each other’s first time, so there’s not much he knows about eating out. sure, he’s read stuff about it, but it’s easier said than done. he does have an insane stamina, so even though it takes long, it’s very satisfying when he’s done.

6—sukuna.

sukuna likes the taste of your pussy, which is why he insists on eating you out almost everyday. did i mention he’s never eaten someone out before? you think he practices on you a lot. one honorable mention was when he accidentally bit your clit too hard and you squirted immediately. he took note, by the way.

5—toji.

the eaterest of all eaters. doesn’t hesitate to stretch you out with his fat fingers while spitting on your nub, biting and sucking roughly. toji might as well get a reward from how hard he makes you cum.

4—utahime.

you were her first(and last) woman, but despite that, she eats like a pro. attending to all of your sweet spots, dipping her tongue inside your cunt from time to time, circling her thumb on your clit and curling her fingers on your g-spot. she played you like the finest instrument, and the climax is always early, about three minutes into it.

3—hiromi.

his nose is godsent, along with the rough pads of his fingers inside of you. no one knew the well-kept lawyer would ever eat so dirty, spit dribbling down his neck as he looked up at you with his big brown eyes. his fingers would plunge into your heavenly cunt while he would shake his head to knock his nose against your clit. and each time, you’d cum no less than two minutes later.

2—suguru.

the first time he ate you out, you had challenged him, claiming he probably couldn’t make a woman cum. you were so so wrong. you had never cum so fast in your life, and he only used his tongue! it pressed against your clit and created an insane suction on it, slobbering all over your pussy. you lost not only your dignity, but also ten dollars. :(

1—shoko.

our winner (loves winning). she eats them all. shaved or not, she is the ultimate eater, slapping your clit while fingering you. her mouth soothed your sensitive nub after each spank, sucked on your folds to taste your slick. overall, she’ll make you cum in one minute tops. you swear to god your moans have never reached such pitch before her. oh, and if you squirm too much, she doesn’t hesitate to bite your thigh and tie you up. she can show you how surgeons tie knots. ;)

@somnoo you yelled at me last time i forgot to tag you so💔😞

wrote this on my notes so forgive me for formatting problems idrc

[shigarakisdumbwhore]

The Visit - Todoroki x Reader

A/N: this has been sitting in my drafts since FEBRUARY 21, 2022 Y'ALL. why did I wait so long omg

Summary: Your ex, Todoroki, visits you in the hospital after a traumatic car accident.

Warnings: mentions of car crash, hospital, angst, hurt/comfort ig

Words: 735

"Did you only come because it reminds you of the guilt from your mommy?"

You had heard the door open and looked over. It only took you a second before you realized who it was. He wasn't even out of his school uniform yet. His hair was glued slick to his forehead with sweat and his jacket was around his waist, dress shirt barely tucked in and wrinkled.

He didn't say anything, not even a reaction, as he made his way over. He didn't ask to take the seat next to you, probably didn't care what you wanted anyway. He appeared to be on a mission. His face was expressionless and too blank to read.

"No."

The answer was so simple and short. There was little to no emotion behind it, but it was comforting to you. It made you think about how he came here all by himself, despite knowing how snippy you could be. Todoroki wasn't completely innocent. He had his moments where he could be disrespectful, you both did. However, he knew he would have to deal with it upon arriving at the hospital and he did it anyway. Even though you two believed the relationship was far behind, there were still some lingering feelings. A part of you wished you'd never see him again and the other part was glad he came.

An awkward silence was instilled between the both of you. You looked out straight again, too hurt to look at his face once again. The memories of how he made you feel still lingered fresh in your mind. Looking at him would only bring them back, and that would do you no good.

"What are you watching?" Your gaze focused on the laptop in front of you, sitting on the rolling desk that hovered above you. Your friends and family came to visit as often as they could, but during the hours they couldn't it was lonely. You asked to keep your laptop available so you could play games or watch movies. The one Shoto was asking about happened to be your favorite, one you felt giddy about when someone asked. You couldn't help yourself. As soon as he asked, you answered with excitement. A long ramble filled the silence. It was just like old times.

For the first time in a long time, he was smiling at you. It was a small smile, a Todoroki type of smile. You never saw Endeavor with a big grin so you assumed it was a family thing. Regardless, it was an image that lived in your mind with vivid detail. Then it hit.

Upon this realization, you turned to look at him with a wide grin, but it began to fade when you noticed his did too. It must've clicked at the same time. The two of you were always known for having synchronized minds. Old times. They were called old times for a reason.

"I'm sor-"

"Please, just," you interrupted, "let's just... pretend none of that happened, like we're still together, like we're happy... please."

Shoto sat in silence as he stared at you. His face was so hard to read. So blank and emotionless, but you knew a million things were going on in his mind. You could only imagine what could have been running through his head.

"I never wanted to leave. Things were so complicated with school and my father... I took that out on you and for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it took your injury for me to figure that out. I promise, when you recover, if you give me a chance, I'll do better." His tone was sweet and sincere. Shoto never really had any reason to lie and he usually was very loyal to his word. But the hurt that he caused you, was this apology enough to just forgive him so easily? To forget everything before and act like it never happened, like it never bothered you. Like it still didn't bother you.

Despite all of it, you still loved him. That's why it still hurt. That's why you still held on. And that's why you secretly felt so relieved when he walked through that door like he traveled through hell just to see you.

"I missed you... I missed you every day you were gone."

"I know," he stood up and pulled you into his arms tightly. "This time, I'll make it right. I love you."

[baublekute]

Jackie's ofrenda

"When you go to war as a boy, you have a great illusion of immortality. Other people get killed, not you... Then, when you are badly wounded the first time, you lose that illusion, and you know it can happen to you." –Ernest Hemingway

Related personal story below (trigger warning, military training injury)

I can't tell you how much choosing the book for Jackie's ofrenda affected me the first time I played. My story does not involve real war, but it served the same purpose. Several years back, I went to Officer Candidate School for the U.S. Marine Corps. I was interested in a ground role, working in public relations, helping people and the local communities affected by war.

I was young, still 20 years old. I felt so immortal during the initial process and training. Then... I dislocated a knee cap during a platoon run. My feet were covered in open blisters, despite "caring" for them daily. I have no doubt that compensating for that pain caused the knee injuries. But, I couldn't stop. I kept running and I was crying the entire time. It eventually popped back into place. During the evening, I stood on my tippy toes to reach something in the top of my locker - it gave out again. My platoon friend who was with me from the beginning (from the same recruitment center) told me I was done. She was right. It was the moment the illusion washed away. I was forced to re-evaluate.

I requested to go to medical that same night and I was denied because it wasn't an emergency. Okay... the next morning I went back into training. Then it happened again to my other knee. OK, I told myself. Clearly, my body is telling me no. I faced several mockeries from leadership and several of the gals in my platoon believed I was faking (women in the military can be just as backstabbing btw). I had to realize in therapy years later that I was not weak, I wasn't a quitter for not pushing through the pain. In fact, I showed true strength in defending my priorities and my body in spite of the ridicule and toxic environment.

I have way more stories about this experience, so if you ever want to know more... either for curiosity or because you're writing a paper about it, especially about the inequalities of women in the military that already had me set up for failure (i.e. docked on inspection due to my uniform being too big for me, smallest they had btw.), I'm open to answering questions based on my experience.

Back to the CP77 photography - I realized just now the outfit I chose for the ofrenda is very similar to the one I wore to my friend's commission ceremony a couple years after my training injury. She told me it was supposed to be both of us standing together that day. She meant it in a camaraderie way, but I still held back tears and shame. Now it suddenly feels symbolic. As if I was also mourning a very different future I could have had and even wanted once. I know I'm happier in the now, but that was a particularly tough time in my life when I questioned all my decisions, wondering if they were even valid (internal voices and a lot of external influences too).

If you got this far, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[magiclwritings]

He hadn't truly given it another thought when Apollo turned to face him. If anything he was relieved that he'd done so. As much as he didn't want to admit it, the two of them had a way of centering one another that he wasn't entirely sure would ever be the same with someone else. For him, Oliver was something different, special but the feelings he had with Apollo he just couldn't explain. A therapist once said it'd been some sort trauma but then the sessions stopped and Cass never thought of it again. But he couldn't unhear what was said. And more so how it was said. He wasn't entirely sure how to navigate this sort of magic and he'd be damned if he let Isaac catch the two of them like this. And even worse, Ollie.

"I know that you are terrified." He started, moving his own hands over Apollo's. He was so warm and it felt good to have a moment of sanity from that kid but this wasn't the solution. He'd be lying if he said he had never considered the pair of them. Of course they'd have never gotten married but he could see them both finding jobs suitable to their families and having a house between the two points. Or separate houses. Whatever they would have decided. But the notion wasn't so batty that he hadn't. A small part of him still yearned for who those men were back then. It felt so rebellious and free when it was just the two of them. The excitement caught in Cass' throat but he did his very best to keep a firm grip on their reality and not another what if. "Apollo, I have never left you to face anything alone in this world and I won't start now. But ..." He sighed, moving in to wrap Apollo tightly in his arms. "We can't."

The blonde's face tucked into his neck and he stood there just holding him as if it were the only thing he could think of to fix this. "We can't ruin this." His voice was muffled against Apollo's skin but he kept on. "Whatever we've done so far we can't run. We have to fix whatever this is. We are so close to being free." And a part of him did truly believe that. Whether that meant from this company or their families or whatever hair brained problem they some how wound themselves into. Cass pulled back to look at Apollo just then, seeing a small boy with eyes so big he could barely stand it before it morphed back into the man he knew now. "Stay with me. Stay for Isaac and Ollie." He gave a sad smile, knowing that had always been the plan. But times changed and they weren't those boys making oaths under the cover of darkness anymore.

"Ha'e ya tried bein' mad a' mi'e?" He countered, laughing softly but he still jostled the poor little guy against him. A little whining and fussing was all he managed but Isaac still thought it best to switch places. Oliver seemed like a natural when it came to him anyway. It was only then that Isaac really started to think about what was going on. He wasn't scared of them. Even under a spell most people can still feel their emotions under it and he'd imagine being in a house with four strange men would have been frightening to him in some degree but he didn't flinch. Odd.

It was a few toppled canisters and moments longer than he'd have liked but Isaac had found near everything on the list. Ginger they'd have to get from the mud room but that could wait a second longer. He wasn't quite ready to face the two of them just yet. And he had to admit that Oliver, despite being quite the ball of energy, was quite inciteful to those around him and Isaac had always found him fascinating. Not to mention that he damn near balanced his partner perfectly.

"I will be betta to 'im." He conceded after a few moments and watching Oliver hold the boy. His face was starting to lose the rosy tint to his cheeks, surely that nap would be over soon. "They don' ma'e i' easy, do they?" Isaac smiled a little wider then, feeling better but still not enough to break the barrier between. What he'd done and the weight of the time he'd stolen was starting to set in, no matter how he could smile at Oliver. "I 'spose tha's wha' we ge'." His head dropped to look at his hands in his lap for a moment, his fingers spelling something trivial before he'd snapped his attention back. "How i' ya brotha anyway? Still ...?" The question hung between them, knowing Orion had a colorful way of dealing with things, far less tame than what Apollo and Cass had been in but he could see how it'd be hard to say no to those sort of deals and whatever substances he liked. Isaac tried not to judge as he used to sell his magic as a short lived party trick.

“It is serious,” Apollo countered, brow furrowed at Cassio’s deflection. “It changed me, whatever it was. It overtook me. I was myself, but I couldn’t break out of this…this trance, and who knows what will happen next time? What if it affects everyone? That’s never happened to me before, Cassio. I can’t risk something like that happening again. Theo is the only difference. It has to do with him.” He didn’t understand his best friend’s reluctance to analyze for traces of magic. “It wasn’t just caught up in the moment. I couldn’t think about anything else; I couldn’t stop. What if I had hurt Isaac because I was so fucking blinded by whatever that was?” 

Finally, he convinced Cassio and the blonde stepped forward and placed his hand on Apollo’s chest. He sighed with relief at finally being heard. He stood still, tracking Cassio’s eyes as he scanned him over. “What?” Apollo asked, missing the words Cassio was saying. He felt fuzzy again as if a fever was overtaking him. The blonde’s hands sliding across his chest and arms left his skin with goosebumps. “Cass,” He whispered. Memories of the two of them together were brought to the front of his mind. That lithe body of a dancer, flexible in all sorts of ways that the two of them explored together. And they had been good together. They were. They could be again. It was like his entire world focused on the blonde; nothing else could hold his attention except the need for more contact. Cassio rested his forehead against Apollo’s shoulder, and the man squeezed his eyes shut, shivering at the contact. It always came right back to them, didn’t it? So why weren’t they together?

He turned around to face the blonde, his hands cradling his face. The skin-to-skin contact nearly made him groan. And he knew it was wrong. He knew he and Cassio hadn’t been together since they were at Hogwarts, but what was stopping them? Why had they never tried to be together? He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the blonde’s. They were so close that Apollo could feel his breath on his lips, and if he just closed the inch between them, he could remember what it was like to feel his lips. “Cassio,” he whispered, soothingly stroking his thumbs over his cheeks. “Let’s just leave. Fuck it, let’s just leave together. Remember how good we were? It would be even better now.” He dropped one of his hands to Cassio’s chest, fingers curving out the indents between his ribs. “I know you remember. I see it in your face sometimes when you look at me. Let me worship you.” 

Oliver stepped into the walk-in pantry, Isaac following behind him. “He needs rosemary, cayenne pepper, and saffron,” He said absentmindedly. “Wouldn’t hurt to pull some ginger either. Orion said it can boost the spell and help decrease our little guy's side effects.” 

He shuffled through the potion's ingredients, looking for what they needed. So far, nothing had come up. “You don’t have to apologize, Isaac. I know how hard it can be with them, but…” Oliver sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “Apollo and Cassio are always going to be Apollo and Cassio. It won’t do us any favors to wedge between them. If anything, it’s just going to make them more secretive. We know their history; if they wanted to be together, they would have made it happen, but they’ve never toyed with the idea of a relationship together, and we’ve been with them for years. They choose us instead of each other. Isn’t that enough?” He promised himself there in the pantry that he would be a better, more present friend to Isaac. Cassio and Apollo had a way of unintentionally making them both feel like odd men out. 

“But I have your back, you know that, right?” He turned to Isaac, shooting him a smile. “But you should give Cass a chance. Most of the things you get upset at him for are almost always Apollo’s fault anyway, but I get that it’s easier to be mad at my boyfriend than yours.” Oliver narrowed his eyes playfully and returned to the shelve he was shuffling through. “Okay, I officially can’t find anything. Where is all of this stuff hiding?”

[dark-points]

It really does blow balancing spirituality as someone who isn’t experienced in it when you have mental health things, specifically delusions. It puts a damper on the fun, or makes things a little TOO fun. I know I went off the deep end believing 100% I was physically going to be a monster, forgot what triggered it, but legit was planning for it and absolutely would have hurt myself if I believed it would get me what I want. I have decided that doing this in dreams and maybe in meditation will probably make me just as happy, but it is very hard to completely write it off. At the same time if someone agreed with me it would make me upset at them for feeding into my delusion.

The dream entities are 100% real though, and I have been told that’s crazy talk……by someone who says she sees spirits. And she is super familiar with witchy shit. And the other people in the room believed her. But me? I was LITERALLY forced to make an appointment with my psychiatrist after talking about this, while she LITERALLY got to talk to a paranormal investigator immediately after.

[moeblob]

OK I swear the reason I'm showing you this will have context in a couple days! But also, the fact B&N has a section dedicated to "well he may be a ten buuuuut" and included my current crime of "he's blonde" is like. Dang. Called out.

Didn't help I saw this with a guy and I said "oh no, my blonde enjoyer crimes called out!" and he said "better than redheads" and I'm like. "Sir, I have to inform you of my previous crime." and he was not pleased as he said "Fish... why....."

[sc3n3kitt3h]

IM LIKE IF A BOY WAS A MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL WAS A SCENE FAG

[apoloniaspiegelgold]

All my life I've been told by all kinds of people that they can never really tell what I'm feeling or what's going through my mind because apparently I'm always just hiding everything behind a smile so that I've become rather unreadable. And then he just. Takes one look at me and goes 'Yeah. I know that face, oh here we go again, she's about to unleash her thoughts. She's gonna bash that theory I just showed her so hard. Where's my popcorn?' I hadn't even said anything yet and he was already laughing.

And to be honest. It's quite nice to be known, actually.

[perilegs]

being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little

[todayisafridaynight]

Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0

i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3

[thedevotionaltour]

karen is MY special white woman. my problematic fave. because i understand why she sucks. i think in order to be allowed to be a karen fan you have to actually understand why she sucks. if you don't understand why she sucks then you're a bad karen fan i think.

[autism-corner]

I couldn’t stop staring at those long, slender fingers as they lifted the glass of red wine to her lips, as they carefully cut up the meat with her knife and gracefully brought the food to her mouth...

She looked at me and smiled. "You always tend to provoke controversy, just like a Venus flytrap. Do you long for a sword that much?"