#still a great day tbh…definitely want to go back next year if I like the lineup

[shezamaverick]

Inkcarceration was fucking killer and I don’t regret going by myself one bit to see just three bands lol

[kayentokk]

Easy Peasy Sukuna Squeezey(Part 3);What Could Go Wrong

Pairing;Sukuna x Fem! Reader

Summary;What could go wrong during your weekend with Sukuna? Not much except one thing, or one person.

Contains;fluff, lots of fun, ex, sukuna gushing, childhood memories, some cussing

Wc;2,010

A/N;I am literally so sorry, tbh I forgot I made this a series 😅 and then I checked my comments and I was like oh. So my bad guys I will try to update this regularly and get my schedule back together. Also just comment on any of the posts for this series that you want to be tagged to get on the tag list. 

Tag list 🏷️; @charlie-xo

Prev. Series M.list Next

The week felt like it took forever to be over, exams, loads of homework, part-time job, all that hectic stuff. But this weekend you get to-well you’re not really sure exactly what Sukuna has in store for you but whatever it is you’re excited for it. 

You had texted your roommate the day you were over Sukunas apartment that you’d be staying there at least until the weekend was over. You often stayed at Sukunas for long periods of time when you needed a break or just wanted to hang with your best friend. He never really minded you were pretty good company, in your own words, and he was used to spending long periods of time with you. During school, after school, in the summer, whenever your moms wanted to have a girls night, just whenever. 

Anyways your roommate was obviously cool with it, she had mentioned she wanted to have “company” over anyways so it all worked out. You took Sukuna’s advice and blocked your ex, you were probably going to do that anyways since the relationship was definitely over, so you have no idea if he’s texted or called. Not that you care though, he’s an ass and he should have enough shame, decency, and brains not to call and understand it’s over. 

To be honest you’re at the acceptance stage of grief, it is what it is he wasn’t the one for you, but it still sucks. Sukuna has actually been really helpful, he’s been, for lack of a better word, a great distraction. He won’t tell you what he has planned for tonight though, all he said was to be ready in pajamas. Maybe a movie night? 

You guys used to do those every Friday, but then college got too hectic with it being senior year and all. Sukuna said his classes are pretty easy, although you aren’t too surprised on that one he’s always been exceptionally intelligent, he claims it’s because he just decided to major in business since he’s not exactly sure what he wants to do.

He didn’t want to be a chef, even though he’s exceptionally talented in cooking too, but he’s a waiter at a restaurant for his part time job. When he first got that job you visited to see the restaurant, and him, it was a nice little quiet diner. He was annoyed and disgusted about it on the outside but you could tell he was embarrassed about you visiting, mostly because one time there was a couple that sat in the booth behind you and made comments about, “young love.” And every time you would sit in that same booth just to annoy him because you knew he thought about it each time, it was honestly hilarious. You and him? Being a couple? What a joke.

Sukuna texted he was on his way back, he had a lecture that was in the evening that day and he left a little early to start you guys’ weekend plans. Apparently you hadn’t been paying much attention to any calls or messages because you had about 10 missed calls from your friend and a dozen text messages. You immediately called back.

“Hello? Girl! Why have you not picked up, I’ve been calling you for forever.”

“I’m sorry! I was just laying here, and I had on dnd from when I was in classes earlier. I guess I never turned it off,” you replied in an anxious tone.

Mai just sighed before continuing, “anyways your boyfriend-“

“Ex,” you cut her off before she could even begin.

“Your ex-boyfriend,” she corrected herself with irritation, “has been showing up like every other hour asking about you, and I wasn’t paying much attention before but I’m pretty sure his car was outside yesterday for a while. He’s probably waiting on you, has he texted?”

“I don’t know if he’s texted I blocked him. That’s probably why he’s showing up, he thinks I’m home. Just ignore him, and if he continues to knock call the police or something.”

“Why can’t he just leave you alone? It’s clearly over, there’s nothing there anymore.”

“I know, I’m so sorry by the way.”

“You’re fine, enjoy your weekend babes! I just wanted to give you a heads up.”

“Thank you so much.”

“Mhm my company should be over soon, talk to you later, be safe.”

“Kk you too, bye Mai,” and with a small beep, the call ended. 

He was coming by every hour? How insane. You hoped he wouldn’t give Mai much trouble, but then again she could handle herself. What if he knew you were at Sukuna’s? Well he didn’t know the address….he’s dropped you off before though. Maybe he doesn’t remember it? Oh no what if he shows up?! And then your whole weekend of distraction will be ruined, and all of Sukuna’s hard work will be-

“-n? Y/n! Hey, Earth to y/n again. Seems like I’m having to do that a lot this week huh?” Sukuna jokes. 

“Hm, oh yeah sorry-“ you say lost in your thoughts.

“Uhh you sure? Why’re you all spaced out?”

“It’s nothing-“

“We both know it’s not nothing you might as well tell me, you’re not very good at your poker face I’ll have to teach you sometime,” he says playfully.

“It’s just- he showed up at my apartment. He was looking for me-“

“But you’re not there so what’s the problem?”

“Mai is there, which I’m sure she’s fine he’s not crazy he’s just a whore, but what if he shows up here?” 

“Wow never thought I’d hear you slut shame someone, that’s a new low y/n,” he smiles and then continues, “but you don’t have to worry about him showing up here. That is if he knows what’s good for him.”

Oh yeah one small thing, the time your ex dropped you off him and Sukuna did not get along. It was the briefest moment, it felt like when your dad dropped you back off at your moms’ after spending a weekend with him, but it was tense. You could tell, Sukuna’s sharp maroon gaze stayed on him even after you had stepped inside. So, safe to say he’d have to be pretty ballsy to show up here.  

“Put on some boots or something we’re going out,” Sukuna says gruffly.

“Going out where? I’m in pajamas-“

“I know, good. I told you to be, glad to know you listen.”

You scoffed, “no way I’m going in public like this-,” you gestured with your hands waving in an up and down movement to your unprofessional getup. 

“Relax. You won’t be the only one, I’m about to change too.”

“Oh because two of us looking like we just rolled out of bed is better than one,” you said sarcastically.

“Exactly, I knew you’d get it I had to admit I was getting a little worried there,” he teased.

“Oh shut up dimwit,” you said smiling.

There it was again, stunning.

Sukuna went to quickly throw on some sweats and an old faded t-shirt, probably sporting some random band. He grabbed his keys, and you were out the door. 

You loved night time drives, everything just hit different. The music vibed better, especially when Sukuna let you have the aux, the car ride is just more fun at night. When you arrived at the destination Sukuna parked the car and reached to turn the knob on the volume down.

“Look where we are,” he said turning to stare at you.

You immediately turned to look out the window, and even though it took you a second you realized-

With a big shriek and gasp you turned back to Sukuna, “this is-!”

“The ‘best convenience store ever in our hometown’ I know you said it to me so much it’s engraved in my brain.”

Sparkles were in your eyes, along with some unshed tears. So many great memories were here. Every time you passed a test with an A your mom would bring you here to get your favorite snack, and since Sukuna always did well on tests you’d take him about once a month to continue the tradition. But then you guys’ campus was at least a 35 minute commute from here, and when it was busy during the day maybe 45, so you stopped coming. There just wasn’t enough time and you guys got really busy. But not many people were on the road at night, and with Sukuna’s driving you guys probably made it there in 20-25 minutes tops. 

You were so happy you could scream. It was apparent in your face, the brightest smile. You jumped out of the car and immediately ran into the store, Sukuna not far too behind you. 

You had already grabbed one of the small dark green dingy looking baskets, ah the same as always, from the entrance and were halfway down your favorite aisle by the time he got inside. 

He greeted the kind old lady at the register who had witnessed your excitement just moments ago, screeching with joy, which scared her when you rushed in. 

He quickly found the aisle you were in and watched you decide which snacks you wanted, carefully picking the items and placing them in the basket. 

You rushed from one place to another, grabbing drinks, chips, snacks, anything you wanted because who knows when you’ll visit here again. Then you just stopped, and Sukuna watching your madness didn’t think you were ever going to. Then your eyes started to well up with worry.

“What’s wrong?”

“I- I left my wallet back at your apartment, I can’t buy any of this-“

“What? I’m obviously buying, dimwit,” he scoffed repeating your words from earlier.

“Really?” You asked, the excitement immediately perking back up inside you. 

He didn’t even get to answer before you continued happily on your shopping spree, how could he say no anyways? By the time you were done you couldn’t even pick up your basket. You quickly looked to Sukuna for help, and he rolled his eyes taking the basket with his left arm. You began to giggle watching him walk to the register. You couldn’t help it, the sight of him carrying a basket like a soccer mom was just too funny. 

A stuffed full basket being carried by his well built arm, the vein bulging from the somewhat strenuous task being carried out. His hand flexing and unflexing to stretch after putting the basket down, making the veins even more visible as they pop out due to his contractions-

“Y/n? You coming? Don’t you wanna get home to eat all this stuff?” 

You quickly snapped out of your haze, and ran up to the register where Sukuna had already taken his wallet out to pay, making a comment about how you were most definitely going to eat it in his car. You left a happy customer that day.

Before you left you made Sukuna stop in front of the shop so that you could snap a quick photo of the two of you together, you wanted to send it to your moms. 

You smiled the whole car ride home, and when you got in the house. 

“Thank you,” you said sincerely with a huge grin on your face.

“Yeah, yeah I know I’m the best,” he replied with a smirk.

“Can you cook the ramen please?”

“Who else was gonna-“

And then the shrill ring of the doorbell rang. 

“Are you expecting someone?”

“No, no one comes over here. Maybe it’s just a package.”

“At 10pm?”

“I don’t know, maybe some drunk has the wrong door.”

Then it rang again.

“Okay maybe not…”

“Sukuna just go get the door I’ll start prepping-“

Before you could finish your sentence though, he already opened the door ready to tell off the drunk.

“Oh. It’s you.” 

You didn’t like Sukuna’s tone, and being the nosey person you are sometimes, you rushed to the door. You immediately understood his tone. 

“Oh, of course it’s you.”

@/cafekitsune for the divider

[fuckyeahmhawkefenris]

It is unbearably quiet on tumblr lately, and what little talking there is, it's all about the next game. Yeah, we're no longer in 2012, I get it.

I'll just keep entertaining myself however I can.

I've always wanted to talk about one fic I secretly refer to as one of the hidden gems in the fenhawke archives. I have never ever seen anyone bring it up, and in all these years I've never dared to recommend it to anyone... Don't think you can even find it so easily? For good reason tbh...

Thing is, it's a fill for da kink community on livejournal. Anyone remember that place? The safe haven where anyone could anonimously submit the kinkiest most shameless things you could think of - offering prompts, filling them... Those were some desperate times when we were painfully low on content, and it was very hard to find something to read. Finding a story with characterization that suited your vision was near impossible!

I myself was desprate enough to brave through countless pages of imageries I could not stomach, skimming through them just to get the general idea until something captured my attention.

So I found this, and honestly, to this day to me it is one of the best examples of... idk, not just good characterization, but the overall feeling of the fenhawke relationship, why I can't let go of them after 12 years? It's all subjective, of course, but no fanfic ever resonated with me as deeply as this. Also back then mage Hawke was not very popular and most stories featured rogues... I used to be very sad and lonely!

Warning: it's extremely triggery. I wouldn't even recommend reading the first part at all, because it's too difficult and painful to get through. Hell, I couldn't read it! I was looking through the text very VERY briefly to get only the most basic and vague understanding of what was happening, and it was still hard! There is a lot of abuse, rape, slavery things...

To get the idea:

The Alone quest did not get resolved as planned. Danarius managed to win that battle, captured Fenris and returned to Tevinter, gravely injuring Hawke in the process (Fenris thought he was killed). To break the remains of his will, Danarius threatens to erase Fenris's memories of Hawke, and he succumbs and stops resisting altogether. I don't want to recall the details, but it was awful. Go straight to part 17 (it's a flashback) to read a very lovely take on fenhawke first night together. It's super sweet and gentle, though painfully sad in context. Still, beautiful. Well, it gets worse before it gets better! Somewhere in part 19 Fenris's friends come for him (they sailed all the way here on Isabela's new ship) and he's rescued. What follows is an exceptionally touching tender reunion with Hawke. Oh, and then, once all is settled comes the second part - All the King's men, which is much less controversial and fairly easy to read. Fenris copes with his experiences, and Hawke is always there for him. There are some truly fantastic moments as they slowly get close to each other again! Isabela is pretty great here, and Anders... sorta made me warm up to his character? And it's all fairly believable and close to how we see them in the game.

I'm saying all this and linking this fic on the off chance that someone with tastes similar to mine ever needs something like it. I know I am grateful it exists, and still hold it very dear to my heart. Definitely never regretted finding it!

[menlove]

Sorry if you’ve been asked this already, but do you have any mclennon fic recs for 1967/pepper era?? I’m obsessed with the vibes around this time, and with Jane away John and Paul seemed to spend a lot of their free time during this period together, but I’ve had trouble finding much of anything. Thx!! <3

oooh good question ! i love love love the 1967/pepper era so let me look back in my ao3 history and see what i've got

these aren't all pepper's era, but they are all 1967 (w the exception of One that's not 67 but Is pepper's). put a 💖 next to ones i especially love

If You'll Shut Up About It, I Will

mature. au. 4k

The day after his birthday, Paul McCartney admits on national television that he's illegally had sex with men. On multiple occasions. But it's the media's responsibility not to spread these things, isn't it? Unfortunately (or fortunately), someone else is watching the broadcast, and wants to know why Paul has decided to declare he's queer to all and sundry when he's the one who's been waiting for Paul to give it a go. AKA, That LSD Interview but make it gayer. note: very interesting, short little au on if paul had come out as having had queer sex rather than having done lsd

you know i know when it's a dream

mature. 5k. In 1967, The Beatles visited Greece with the plan of purchasing an island they could call home. Of course, it was mostly John's idea. note: angsty, smutty little one-shot that hurt my heart

1967 💖

mature. 11.5k. au. In 1961, John Lennon and Paul McCartney left abruptly on a trip to Spain, via France. In 1967, they finally come home to face the consequences. note: not EXACTLY what you're looking for but hey the year is in the title..... but it's sooo good i'll rec this fic constantly. they do definitely have the same aesthetic that they did in real life 1967 too. but this one is so fucking good. it's got an experimental style that lets you see everyone's pov while still remaining really well written which imo is hard to do when you're doing a bunch of pov switches. but it's outsider perspective mclennon & explores the nuances of their relationship and how it was/wasn't impacted by fame and how they'd still be creative with each other if they'd never gotten famous from the beatles...... also they basically create the muppets which i think makes this worth reccing on its own tbh

The Places Where You Bend

mature. 2.6k. "Whatever the opposite of 'toppermost of the poppermost' might be, we're in it up to our asses." It's 1967, all hell is breaking loose, and Paul doesn't know if he can do this anymore. note: ugh i loved this one. it's angsty, as any beginning-of-the-end-of-their-relationship fic is, but it's sooo them and very bittersweet

Stop all the clocks 💖

mature. 30.8k. au. For the following kink meme prompt: ‘1967. After Brian dies, Paul decides not to go ahead with MMT, and takes John up to Scotland for a month instead.’ Also based on the following comment on said prompt: ‘pls someone let them fuck tenderly in 1967’ note: definitely an instant classic! super sweet au that makes you wish life had gone this way for them

Way Up Top 💖

explicit. 12k. Falling out of the sky, together. | Snapshots of the Beatles in Greece, July 1967 note: one of my all-time faves ughhhhhh i just love how they wrote everyone. like ofc the mclennon is great, but this one is so so good for just all around good characterization and writing

always, no sometimes 💖

explicit. 20k. Stolen moments from a single year. Or: four times someone nearly found John and Paul together, and the one time they found each other. Set around the recording of Sgt. Pepper, 1966. note: not 1967, but 100000% the vibe you're looking for. such a good fic. i honestly need to do a re-read bc it's been long enough, but this one was just. augh. so much mustache sex too.

shotgunning

explicit. 3.4k From the kink meme prompt: john/paul, shotgunning weed note: i don't Think this one has a year on it officially, but it definitely fits the vibe you're looking for!

Drop Chute

explicit. 1.9k. paul/robert as well "Paul does coke off Robert's dick and blows him in a public toilet. John is in the neighbouring stall and hates it." FFA asked and I delivered. note: ahhhh we love a good "john getting jealous of paul fucking other men" fic

again

explicit. 1.3k In the summer of ‘67, Paul knows exactly how lucky he is to be the man who gets to fuck John, and then eat him out, and then fuck him again, and then — note: it's smut and it's good smut what else can i say truly

Club Sandwich

mature. 4k. Some drug-fueled party in 1967. Paul ends up sandwiched between two men on the couch. As they start fondling and kissing him, John stumbles upon the scene… note: absolutely great. possessiveness and coke prince paul...... what else could i want from a fic

Carousel 💖

explicit. 3.4k 21 March, 1967. John accidentally drops acid during the mixing of Sgt Pepper. Paul drives him back to Cavendish and decides to take LSD for the first time. Based on true events. John's POV. note: definitely my favorite take on the "john and paul tripping together for the first time" story. so good and introspective.

you can get it wrong (and still think you're right)

explicit. 7.4k. Paul visits John at Weybridge. January, 1967. The laziest man in England, that article had said, and Paul thought suddenly of John, lounging: John, turning the pages of a book with one languid hand, his hair mussed and fetching, making pithy comments to empty rooms. Or maybe he didn’t speak at all when he was alone; Paul realized that he didn’t know anymore. note: aghhhh another great one by stonedlennon. the bittersweetness of their relationship.... love this one a lot tbh

Angles

explicit. 2.7k. John takes another languid drag of his cigarette, his eyes alight now when they look into the lens, meeting Paul's. He's a marvellous subject. They should put him in every movie. "That it?" Paul asks—leading. Hungry. "You're the director. Give us a direction," John goads him. note: looove this one. but all of moeexyz's fics are so good so that's to be expected tbh

an orgasm of sound 💖

explicit. 5.3k “It was a good piece of work between Paul and me. I had the ‘I read the news today’ bit, and it turned Paul on, because now and then we really turn each other on with a bit of song, and he just said ‘yeah’ – bang bang, like that.” — John Lennon Or, John and Paul work on A Day in the Life. note: another great one from moeexyz! this one is..... well. Well. it's very good. what more could i ask for in life than piano sex and a day in the life

[neurolady]

I've been distracted all day since I saw @neil-gaiman's answer all but confirming that Crowley's "we've been talking for millions of years..." can be taken literally! I have always thought there has got to be more than just that one encounter between them in Heaven, but had always written that particular line off as just Crowley hyperbole... and tbh I'm not entirely convinced he isn't just trolling us because Neil!

But doesn't it add a whole new delicious layer to the Ineffable Love Story if there's the possibility that as angels in Heaven they were already together as Celestial lovers, whatever that would look like. To then have been torn apart by the Great War and Crowley's fall. Or even juicier to have their angelic relationship somehow be involved in Crowley's fall.

Eden then becomes an awkward reunion with the old feelings and instincts still there. Which is why Crowley automatically shuffles under Aziraphale's wing and already knows about the sword. Aziraphale not knowing how to address Crawley because he doesn't know his demon version, I'd always noticed his double-take when Crawley's black wings unfurl especially after s2 ep1.

It then reframes their whole relationship on Earth leading right upto the Final 15.

You can read Aziraphale as almost mourning the relationship that once was. "I know the angel you were", "you were an angel once", "you can come back to heaven and... (me) everything". He's obviously in turmoil because he loves who Crowley is now, loves their life on Earth but has never quite let go of what once was. It adds another dimension as to why he so quickly accepts The Metatron's offer after returning Crowley's angelic status is suggested. I mean imagine for 6000+ years he has he been struggling with falling for a demon but also reconciling that that demon is the same but not the angel he once loved in Heaven. Of course he doesn't want to change Crowley, but in his mind they can have everything now the love they've grown on Earth, their previous time in Heaven and no more taboo or danger from Hell, why would Crowley possibly not want that!

Crowley on the other hand traumatised by his Fall, has been searching for and finding his identity, but has definitively separated himself from his former Angel self. He has either forgotten or actively erased pretty much all of his time in Heaven, except Aziraphale. Rocks up to Eden to find his love there but now it's forbidden for them to be together. Spends the next 6000+ years falling even deeper in-love with who Aziraphale, himself and they together on Earth (us) have become. See's Gabrielle and Beezelbub, has his big moment of clarity (thanks to Nina and Maggie) and finally plucks up the courage to tell Aziraphale exactly how he still feels and that they can be together openly and properly! Then Aziraphale rocks up and wants to rewind the clock all the way back to Heaven! So of course he feels rejected like the last 6000+ years have just been Aziraphale waiting for his angel!

JUICY!

[bsaka7]

i do really love being in this kind of condition like it really just feels like my body is able to do whatever i want it to without too much issue which is like, my fav feeling. i feel like if u pointed me in a direction and told me to go, I could go forever (lbr forever is probably like. thirty miles. but still.).......... I felt a bit like this after my first marathon which i think is what got me hooked (had the altitude boost then also) and then got so sick after my second which is why i wanted to do this one. tbh i think my mileage was so low for my second marathon so that probably was a big factor in getting sick. but this training cycle minus the covid has largely been great (hardest run was for sure last week's "long run" which was the 3wks out back-to-back and also killed me in the spring. my first marathon i felt so bad after the longest run that I just skipped that one lol) and I've felt a lot better than I imagined i could! Definitely the amount I walk daily and for work also contributes to this. Anyway. looking forward to the race in 17 days and telling myself that will determine what comes next.... but very excited for whatever running the next year holds because it does feel like ive had some kind of a breakthrough...!

[transboysokka]

pls allow me to make a long life update ramble here bc im sick of irl people not understanding at all

I feel like I have a feel disconnected points to make

People like me aren’t meant to get bachelor’a degrees and we’re DAMN SURE not meant to get master’s

I’m 1000% just in survival mode right now and there’s theoretically a month left to go but idek if I’ll make it that long tbh

It has taken me YEARS to figure out a healthy/sustainable work-life balance that goes with my executive dysfunction but that’s NOT POSSIBLE working full time AND doing a degree

I’ve been feeling guilty for resting at all lately (and probably should) but yet if I don’t my health suffers majorly

It has always been hard for me to get simple things done, but now I can’t even THINK about simple necessary errands like walking to the supermarket or going to get a cell phone number or updating shit at the bank because ALL my energy goes to keeping me and my dog alive, keeping a job, and trying to stay in this program

I have delayed my transition by YEARS to pay for all this which was definitely the wrong call ughhhhh

I worked SO hard all of K-12 to get into a good university, when it came down to it didn’t even want to go, was too depressed to apply to hardly any, chose my best option still not knowing what I wanted to do but forced into it and forced to take out all of these loans when I didn’t even know what they meant.

Ended up never dealing with audhd shit, trauma shit, didn’t know what I was doing with my life, tried to get jobs to pay for school but couldn’t handle class and jobs at the same time so got more depressed until I stopped going to classes altogether and got kicked out

That would have been great for me tbh but I still didn’t know what else to do so I begged them to let me back in which they did and I ended up barely graduating with some pointless major I just chose to get me a degree. And also $80k of student debt I had no way to even comprehend knowing how to use

Didn’t know what to do after that either so I ended up in retail for a couple years before I got a random rare opportunity to get me out of there and doing what I always wanted

Well. I felt like I needed to make up for lost time degree-wise and ended up basically begging myself into this half-shitty program that culminates in this masters. I applied maybe five years ago, waited a little over two to start until I had money to pay for it (this is after fleeing the US and the 80k lmao) and somehow killed the first year of it.

I took another year and a half off trying to figure out the rest of the money which I eventually did and that’s how we end up here. I will hopefully have the degree in October but will still be paying for it the rest of the school year rip

So financially this sacrifice is obviously huge and on one hand I never thought I’d be able to do it so yay me and on the other hand I have NOT been able to pursue v v important trans stuff which I notice and deal with eVERY GODDAmn day thanks AND I will also probably not be able to make my every-18-month visit home next summer with my family which also gODDAMN SUCKS because family was EVERYTHING to me growing up and they’ve all forgotten it and probably think I have too but I miss those mfers so much and they would never buy a flight to come see me so.

ANYWAY yeah in undergrad I could NOT do a job and school at the same time so I’ve been proud of being able to handle it this time around but the last fourish months of this program are so intense and I am NOT handling it

Like I have done SO WELL up to now so I feel like I just GOTTA keep going but it’s SO HARD and I’m TOO STUPID and I’ve been told my whole life I’m not meant for higher education and now BOY DO I KNOW IT

I’m just trying to keep going. I order food and groceries to my house. I’m putting off super important errands and appointments as long as I can because I JUST CANT GET THERE I CANNOT WASTE SPOONS ON CELL PHONE PLANS RIGHT NOW I’m just trying to stay alive holy shit

I hate feeling so incompetent in my personal life especially because I’ve always put my professional life first out of like. Fear of losing it. and I KNOW this “laziness” is justified bc I’m spread so thin AND have executive dysfunction and a chronic illness but holy shit it still feels bad scoob. So fucking bad.

I think what I need to do is arrange time off work just to get this all sorted and finished but I’ve literally never taken a day off in my life so I’d feel bad and have MORE anxiety figuring out how to do it lololol ahhhhhhhh

[chiomaus]

heute ist es ein Jahr her, dass ich angefangen habe, Deutsch zu lernen

ich schreibe nicht den ganzen Beitrag auf Deutsch :p weil ich zu viel zu sagen habe

why did i start learning german? well, there was a german guy i was extremely fond of. so it just made sense to me to start learning the language. hearing someone you really like speak their language to you has a funny way of making you fall in love with a language. well 6 months later we broke up and i was left feeling very lost and lonely. i don't really talk about it much but it had a big effect on me.

but in that time i got to learn a lot about german language and culture. i spent a week in dortmund and visited the weihnachtsmarkt. i got really really into kraftwerk. i realised i didnt want to give up german. i guess part of it was trying to cling naively to something good from the break-up, but the other part was "german language is cool as hell."

am i where i hoped to be a year later? part of me thinks if i was more dedicated i could be soooo much better than i am. going to cologne on my own made me realise my listening comprehension is dogshit.

but on the other hand, my reading and writing is pretty good. my vocabulary is decent. i have a good memory for grammatical gender. i think my accent is pretty great. and maybe i'm not spending three hours every day studying diligently, but i have a daily study plan, i'm driven, and, most importantly, i'm having fun.

i think sometimes i forget that there is no omnipotent force judging me for learning for 1 year and not knowing X or Y. did i struggle a bit in cologne? yes. did i also get by just fine? yes. and very few people switched to english with me which i can only take as an endorsement.

it's very easy to be self-critical and to pick out the things you struggle with and take it as some kind of moral failing. at least if you have brain disease like i do. it's difficult to look back on where you started and appreciate your progress because you have no way to measure yourself. i guess now i will be able to measure my progress by whether my listening comprehension is any better next time i visit germany! (i am hopefully going to berlin in november with my cool friends)

what are my goals for the next year?

work on my listening comprehension with podcasts, tv and films (i should have started this sooner – futurama is really fun in german)

write more (i started a blog and have been doing some language exchange stuff). i'm still relying a LOT on dictionaries and grammar checkers, but i know these things take practice.

maybe think about finding a tutor. honestly i think this might be the way to go because i am bigly lacking in confidence (story of my life). there's also the option of doing a goethe course but 1) spenny 2) intense 3) my ability levels are all over the place.

try and make some german friends. this is hard enough in english tbh so i'm not counting on this.

get to a strong B1 or maybe even B2. the material i'm studying right now is B2 but i don't think any of my skills are that level. reading is probably B1, maybe writing, but speaking is probably not and listening is definitely not.

related: finish up learning A1-A2 flashcards (i am about about 2/3rds of the way through) and move onto B1. i haven't found a good B2 deck yet so i might have to construct my own from the goethe word lists.

get my head around prepositions and adjective endings (i will excuse a lot of the complexities of german grammar but i don't understand why adjective endings should be different depending on whether the article is definite, indefinite or null). these are definitely getting easier and i think will come naturally with more speaking/writing, but i have a few ways to specifically practice these areas too.

definitely visit germany on my own again (unless by some miracle i am in a relationship by then). i have a few places on my list but i will gladly take recommendations. i'm also tempted to go back to cologne because there's a lot i didn't have time to do, plus it's very convenient being so close to the ruhr valley (i don't drive so easy/fast transport links are helpful. i don't mind contending with the german train network).

ok das war's. danke fürs Lesen :)

[bisexualmultifandommess]

Charlie Kelly is up next!

I just want to say that there will be trans headcanons in this post so if you’re transphobic go away dni

I love the headcanon this fandom has that Charlie is trans. I can see it too because there’s a few scenes where he doesn’t like having his top off and he often doesn’t really fit into what people consider gender norms. I’ve also seen headcanons that he’d go by any pronouns and I think that’s a good one too.

Charlie grabbed a pair of scissors one night when he was about five or six and cut off most of his hair. He didn’t like that his hair was getting longer and it was getting him frustrated. The style he ended up with was a little messy because he was so young but it made him feel better. The older he got the more easier it became to cut and style it. The style was still a little wild but looked better.

When he was a kid Mac would let him borrow his clothes that didn’t fit him anymore and they were able to fit Charlie because Mac has always being a lot taller than him. Even now they’re older Charlie will still occasionally steal one of Mac’s hoodies or shirts. Both him and Mac never really saw each other as any different. Mac was more aware of the people that didn’t accept it than Charlie was as they got older so he tried to shelter him from it and keep it from him. It was the only way he knew how to handle it.

Charlie dresses in a way he feels comfortable and has lived as his preferred gender for so many years that most people who knew him back when he was very young don’t remember him as anyone but Charlie. No one even remembers his deadname which Charlie likes.

Charlie isn’t one to care about his outfits or presentation he’s literally just Charlie.

As a teen he would find tank tops that were a smaller size than his own size to use as a binder because he didn’t have enough money to afford one. Once he got a job he was able to afford one which was a great day for him.

I also think that Charlie’s sexuality is unlabelled and he isn’t sure he just knows who he likes in the moment. The only thing this man knows for sure is that Mac is gay anything else he hasn’t a clue.

Charlie and Mac definitely practiced kissing as kids but Mac swore that it was just so they could get it right when they got girlfriends. Charlie never really believed him but most of the time chose not to question it.

Charlie’s two biggest loves in his life are The Waitress and Mac. He has been attracted to a few other people over the years but they are his main ones.

He genuinely has a crush on Mac and acts offended when Mac tells him that he isn’t his type (Mac is kidding himself tbh he probably wouldn’t know what to do if Charlie wasn’t around) he also feels a little jealous about how much Mac likes Dennis sometimes but most times doesn’t let it bother him.

Charlie doesn’t really think too much about romance or sex unless it’s happening. He’s aware of his feelings for people and can have and enjoy sex but it’s not something he needs to think about all the time.

[just-orbiting-you]

I’m so so glad you’re being honest and transparent about AYS and jikook’s dynamics change. I felt really weird after I finished watching the show and when i came to X and tumblr most jikookers were focusing on the skinship moments but no body is talking about how off everything felt between them. I think you summed it up pretty nicely so I won’t repeat what was said but watching how jk acted when jm was sick made my heart sink. I felt so so bad for jm i was praying that there’s someone from staff at least taking care of him. There was zero worry or compassion from jk which shocked me a lot. I think this is where I realized that they’re definitely not together and I’m ok with that. Kinda relieved tbh, i feel like i finally have a clear answer. Now regarding tae being in the next episode, i saw the clip and JK was being his usual passive aggressive self lol, that’s just how he is with tae and now with jimin too apparently. I have to admit, now that I’m seeing jkk in a whole different light I’m not worried about how different jk is gonna treat vmin, none of them is in a relationship so I don’t care if he’s nicer to v. I just hope jimin had a great time and enjoyed himself (tae and jk too) i hope they all had a good time. I only wish jimin wouldn’t receive hate after the episode no matter how it turns out.

hey anon, im responding but with intention that im hoping you’ll see the response :). i don’t really want other anons in my inbox criticizing your words. from someone who thought like you, i hope we can enjoy the show and engage with it critically instead of just writing it off as a "be careful what you wish for."

while i think this point could get us backed into a corner a little bit, i've had a few anons, including this one write about how they could be omitting the truth for the sake of the show, to fit a narrative. if we turn to speculation instead of looking at what they show us head on, it can be hard to fully believe. what we do know is they had to see each other to plan the show, they saw each other at yoongi's concert, at hobi's enlistment (and maybe drinking that night before who knows). i think face era was a hindrance to their friendship, but as the year went on things got better. i think about that tiny clip from jimin's production diary livestream and jimin was so excited to see jungkook, jungkook was all smiles like nothing changed.

i think, even the people we love most, we don't see often or even don't try to make an effort to see based in individual circumstances. and we don't know their circumstances outside of bts and solo schedules. with bts going on group hiatus, things were already going to change. relationships change naturally and i think giving jikook that grace is okay. i don't think their relationship has turned into one of vitriol or negativity. they still very much care about each other and i think if this was how the year started off, the distance from each other probably propelled them into deciding to enlist (distance makes the heart grow fonder and such). also i think you can see them start to fall into their ways as the trip carries on. i felt a dramatic shift in tone after their boat ride and once jungkook cooks for them, it feels like we are at the jikook we know. so i hope this show was able to help them reconnect.

I felt so so bad for jm i was praying that there’s someone from staff at least taking care of him. There was zero worry or compassion from jk which shocked me a lot.

this anon and a few other posts in the jikook tag were talking about this and i think i have changed my opinion on this. jungkook has known jimin for years, he probably knows when jimin needs in stressful situations and that might just be a little space and some jokes to get him laughing. jungkook didn't bother him when he rested, he let him be. i think jungkook did what a friend would do in this instance, and try to go about their day making the most of it while conscious of jimin's state. possibly the camera involved maybe could have escalated the level of jokes around jimin's misfortune. but from what was on camera, jimin started feeling better after the boat and they ended the trip on a good note.

i don't even want to speak on the tae stuff, because that will open a big can of worms. i appreciate you coming forward as well to talk about it as well. definitely rewatch the show too i think a second watch could change how you're viewing it.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

Hi! Just on "Danny doesn't like kissing guys anon" - I remember the interviews they are talking about and tbh in one of those he said it in a way that bothered me too! But then I realised that interview was at a time when Emmerdale didn't know what to do with Robron. I still remember during Liv's alcohol+Ketamine, they were making up after an argument and you could literally put a truck in between them!!

But we need to remember that this same Danny has said, not once but MANY times Robr-ON, Rob-OFF, I would like it to be on because I like kissing Ryan! In fact, some people started harassing him in real life for being gay when Robron was at its peak.

And it IS A FACT that Robron didn't do PDA until much later because they began as an affair and Robert in the closet. In fact, every time Charity or someone brought up sex between them two you will notice Robert making a face. Every single time. I always thought it was a brilliant acting choice by Ryan.

And they have been best friends even when they weren't boyfriends. In fact that was what 2017 Christmas was about! WHICH IS WHY canon Aaron now not rushing to IoW MAKES ZERO sense to me. I am willing to die on the hill that our Robron Aaron would have gone to IOW, fought with Robert, got him out, brought him back to the Mill but also punished him for sending those divorce papers.

Personally I don't want Danny to work on his chemistry with anyone because I am hoping against hope for a miracle.😂 Both Danny and Ryan are good actors. But there is a limit to which even a soap superstar can make a ridiculous situation believable at such short notice. On a separate note, Ryan still looks like Robert on Casualty, at least to most of us. It's like two complementary magnets🧲⚡that are being forced apart. Anything else will always look tame compared to them.

Current canon Aaron not rushing to the Isle of Wight is because Ryan won't come back as Robert. Aaron accepting Robert cutting him out of his life when he got sent down was because Ryan left.

They couldn't have Aaron mope around and wait for Robert or even fight for Robert - because there was no Robert because Ryan left.

And the robr-on rob-off and "i like kissing Ryan" was Danny being cheeky with the press (he knows how to play the game). I honestly don't think Danny gives a shit about kissing anyone on screen. I remember him kissing one of the hosts on loose women once just to prove screen kisses mean nothing/ are no big deal. I do think he was more comfortable with Ryan than he is with Oliver now (or was with Stephen as doctor boring or Simon as kayak bore) just because they worked together so closely for about 5 years and were good friends off screen too.

The best friends thing never bothered me tbh. Like I said, if your partner isn't also your best friend - someone you honestly like spending time with outside the bedroom... why are you together? Robron were (ARE) each other's great love AND best friend.

And emmerdale aren't great with PDA anyway. Matty and Amy's first kiss as husband and wife was maybe their third on screen kiss? Cain and Moira rarely kiss or touch because they're always fighting these days, Dawn and Billy - i don't remember the last time they kissed or even hugged (maybe when Evan was born?), Mack and Charity... had one incredibly forced (post) sex scene a few months ago and nothing since, Paddy and Mandy are getting MARRIED next week and they haven't kissed in months either (I think - i don't pay much attention to their scenes). If it's not relevant to the plot (like getting together, going public/taking a next big step in the relationship, marriage, affair) these characters don't touch/kiss. I think either Danny or someone else once mentioned that most of those things aren't scripted and it's basically up to the actors to decide "oh i think my character would kiss their partner here"

I'm not saying robron or emmerdale were/are perfect... god knows they weren't (and emmerdale itself definitely isn't these days) but come on, it's 2024, aren't we over the 'best friends' and "they don't touch" discourse by now? Or does anyone want to throw in the "bro hugs" too?

As for Ryan looking like Robert on casualty... he does but if Robert met Jamie, he'd get his shovel out again. We know what he does with rapists!

(I wanted to put a gif of Rob whacking lee over the head with the shovel but the gif search fails me once again - so just pretend it's here)

[tokidokitokyo]

2023年4月30日

This month was again very busy! Do I ever have not-busy months? Probably not! I still accomplished quite a bit, but I didn't do everything I had planned to do. One thing that I noticed though was that my reading skill and my listening skill have progressed because of incorporating reading and listening into my daily practice routine. I picked back up a manga I had started a year ago and found that it was easier to read this time. I also realized I am able to pick up more from news and other TV programmes now. The key is really just practicing consistently! It feels good to see tangible progress, and that motivates me even more.

今月はまた忙しかったです！忙しくない時はあるのかな？多分ない！今月は結構勉強が進めて良かったです。すべての目的には成功できなくても、まだまだ進んでいます。今月気づいたのは読解力と聴解力が結構上がったと思います。毎日ちょっとだけでも読んだり聞いたりするので、日課に入っていることになりました。そして去年読み始めようとした漫画を今月また読み続いたら、去年より楽になったって気づきました。最近ニュースや色んなテレビ番組を見ると、前より全然簡単に理解ができるって気づきました。毎日ちょっとずつ勉強するのはポイントです。具体的に成長を感じるのもモチベーションになります！

My 2023 Goals Progress

I laid out some broad goals for my Japanese study in my 2023 Japanese Language Goals post, so again I will update my progress towards these goals.

1. Read one page a day of 日本の歴史366 (にほんのれきし366) everyday in 2023.

How is it going? Good! In March my reading fell behind due to work and illness, and I didn't exactly catch up in April, but I am trying to continue even though I missed quite a few days and have not yet been able to read them. The goal is reading everyday, and although I really wanted to stay in order and to stay on top of it, sometimes things happen! I'll keep reading a page a day and catch up where I can.

2. Finish 日本語総まとめ N3 (にほんごそうまとめ N3) workbooks.

How is it going? Good! I have been working one of the four workbooks (Vocabulary, Kanji, Grammar, Listening) into my schedule several nights a week (mostly weekend nights!). I have worked through Week 4 out of 6, so I am close to the end of these workbooks! I am also taking more time to review them, so I can do fewer pages at a time but I feel like I am getting more out of them. I read each day's lesson carefully before I tackle the questions, and then I pick up each workbook again throughout the week and just read through the questions again.

3. Review and learn the first 6 levels of the 常用漢字 (じょうようかんじ), specifically the 教育漢字 (きょういくかんじ) up to grade 6.

How is it going? Not great. I definitely did not pick back up specifically the 常用漢字 in April, so I will try it again in May! Tbh, I just forgot to focus on these during my kanji studies and was more focused on vocabulary words ^^;

4. Read at least one book every two months.

How is it going? Not great. I am very behind on the books that I wanted to complete by the first half of this year. I lost motivation in March or so and haven't been able to pick them back up. I was reading them slowly and mining for vocabulary/kanji, which takes a lot of time that I don't have. I have been reading other books sporadically (although I haven't finished any) and I have been reading manga and articles semi-regularly. I thought this goal would be easier than trying to read a book each month, but it's still a lot for me. It's ok to change your goals, and next month I'll try to reformulate this goal to make it work for me.

5. Improve my speaking and writing by finding a tutor.

How is it going? It could be better. April was busier than I thought! I hope to find a tutor in May, but I find it difficult to find someone who suits my needs (and my time constraints). I hope to have better news on this next month! Wish me luck!

6. Study Japanese for at least 10 minutes a day.

How is it going? Good! Variation in my study schedule is the key to keeping up a daily Japanese study goal. If I'm tired, manga or an article, or a quick flashcard session, are quick ways to practice. If I have extra time I squeeze in a workbook lesson. Finding lots of little ways to practice helps me to stay interested and to stay motivated.

April Study Log

April was another busy month, so let's see how I did!

Vocabulary - This month I spent a lot more time practicing vocabulary. Not only did I write down words and look up words I didn't know, I also tried to conscientiously incorporate new words into my daily conversation. This helped me to remember them as well as to figure out what situations I would use them in.

Listening - I spent a lot of time with podcasts (during my commute) and TV/movies (with my son!) so I got a lot of listening practice in. I did realize the other day that I find it easier to listen to even more fast-paced or advanced TV shows, etc. That was a nice realization!

Kanji - I slacked off on kanji and definitely did not focus on school-age kanji. I honestly just forgot, and didn't have much time to commit new kanji to memory. I'll try again next month!

Speaking - We had a lot of play dates and so I got in a lot of speaking practice. The more I speak the more comfortable I am and the more information I can convey. This is definitely something I'd like to work on with a tutor!

Grammar, Reading, & Writing - I would like to incorporate these more into my daily studies, but they have really dropped off my radar recently. I have been quite busy and very tired as a result, so I am not going to be too hard on myself.

Going Forward in May

Continue working through N3 総まとめ workbooks as often as possible

Work more on 漢字 and specifically focus on the 教育漢字

Get an italki (or other?) tutor that suits my needs

Review and practice 3 grammar points per week

Next month I will really try to stick to the goals I have set and I hope to have a better report. But I still think that any progress is good progress, so let's keep working towards our goals! See you next month!

来月はもうちょっと目的に集中したいと思いますが、目的を超えなくても成功ができると思っています。そしてまだまだ勉強を進んで頑張りましょう！また来月！

[all-thestories-aretrue]

I am about 1 million years late to this but thank you for the tag @graphitekayla!!!

Rules: without naming them, post 10 gifs of your favorite shows, then tag 10 people. I'm definitely going to break this rule; you can't give me the opportunity to gush about my faves and not expect me to name them all!!

If anyone has followed me for any length of time none of this will be a shock lmao.

Shadowhunters, and more broadly speaking The Mortal Instruments. My first real fandom!!! I cannot overstate the impact the books and show had on my life. I wouldn't be who I am without it. I have an angelic rune tattoo. Magnus and Alec are some of the first queer characters I remember reading about. I remember where I was when they kissed for the first time in the show. You stupid nephilim lives rent free in my brain. This show (and the books) truly set up the trajectory my life is on now, and I will always always remember it fondly. Even with all the drama and discourse.

2. Critical Role, specifically C2. My first true obsession after the decade long Shadowhunters debacle. I stumbled into it to learn how to play D&D (which I now know is a controversy in and of itself lmao). But my friend @midnightellis wanted us to start a game, and I needed a way to learn that wasn't reading the books, so I started C2. It took 11 or 12 episodes, but then I fell in love. I spent the next almost year watching the entirety of C2 which culminated in visiting them to watch the finale together. I was extremely jetlagged. It was basically 8 amazing hours of nonstop crying. I have zero regrets. Except for the fact I still need to get the tattoo I had planned rip. One day!! I promise!!

3. Arcane!!!! A brief interlude between Shadowhunters and CR. There was about 4 months were I was OBSESSED and watched the entire show like 3 times back to back. I have many thoughts and feelings about Jayce. The show is also just so visually stunning. I cannot wait for S2 to drop in November!!!!!! I know nothing about League but I do really love this show.

4. House. Iconic. What else needs to be said? House is very much a comfort show for me; great to rewatch during the winter. I've watched the entire thing almost three times now, and even got my mom hooked lol. It was fun seeing all her reactions to everything before I moved.

5. If I had known what fandom was when this was airing, I truly would have been all over that shit. But I was 8 and didn't have access to the internet. Aang/Katara def my first otp lol. I did, however, ignore a friend that was over at my house to watch the finale, I believe. I definitely told them to go play so I could watch the show uninterrupted. Needless to say, they were not thrilled with that. I'm 90% sure it was the finale now, but I could be wrong about the episode. ATLA is also another comfort show that I could watch over and over again.

6. Shadow and Bone. I am still SICKENED this got canceled. Genya and David are the ultimate romance, and no one will convince me otherwise. I almost stopped reading when I found out his fate. I was devastated. Everyone in this show is also very pretty. I can't believe we won't get a s3.

I'm going to stop here because this is already long enough, and tbh I'm not sure I actually have four more shows. I can only be obsessed with one thing at a time, and the current obsession is Path of Night. And that does not seem to be waning any time soon.

Edit: Lost should 100% be on this list. I think I've watched it at least four times. My family and I watched it live as it was airing when I was a kid. And it still is one of my favorite shows. I know people got beef with the ending but I truly didn't mind it. Even if it's bad or whatever, I think Lost is still 100% worth watching. There are so many little hints and clues that I pick up something different every time, and each character death hits just as hard.

I'm going to tag: @gelatinouscute, @peppedstep, @midnightellis, @discordkittenterumi, @im-a-vampire-now, @zeena-athena , @syntia13treeman , @sapphicfugue , @dr-thumbs-brand-new-spot

If you want to do this :)

[theygender]

I have a very frustrated idea in my brain and I just finished forming the thought after a little bit of time. When the Ukraine-Russia conflict kicked off, there was this solemn "idk how to enjoy life without being guilty cuz people are dying in Ukraine rn" and Ukraine has obviously deserved that care and concern and empathy. But when it comes to Palestine-Israel I'm seeing people who care and have that empathy but God damnit if a lot of what I'm seeing isn't just tearing each other down for supporting the wrong side and I know the conflict is very different than the Russia Ukraine conflict but I also saw that "do you care about the dying children or is it complicated when it's middle eastern children " and I was like yea tbh. Ukraine got so much empathy without questioning or fighting online because uh not that Ukraine is a majority white place but it partly is that and cuz it's Europe. God forbid something happen to Europe suddenly people are a lot sweeter and kinder.

Yeah I've definitely seen the same thing :(

A big part of it I think is, like you said, Ukraine is in Europe. Another part of it at least in the US is that our culture is already primed to see Russia as bad due to years of propaganda, so people were much quicker to want to stand up for a country that was being invaded by Russia. While it's great that Ukraine is getting the support, it feels like the widespread support for Ukraine is more bc of some automatic reaction of "Russia -> Communism/Red Scare/Cold War -> Enemies of the US" than any actual concern for human rights or preventing colonialism

On the other hand, when it comes to Palestine, the US is already primed to support Israel bc of years of propaganda on behalf of 1) our government who wants to use Israel as its own personal military base and 2) Christians who believe that we need to support Israel in order to bring about the rapture. So it's very difficult to try to get people to think past that programming and realize that the people they've been primed to think of as the good guys are committing a literal genocide and that's BAD

And it just gets even worse when you factor in the construct of whiteness. Like you said, with Ukraine being a European nation they're given the privilege of being considered majority white™ in the eyes of US Americans and, consciously or not, that makes people in our white supremacist society more sympathetic to them. Palestine, on the other hand, is a Middle Eastern country and our society has been primed through racist propaganda to view Middle Eastern people (especially those who are Muslim) as bad™. And although Israel is also obviously in the Middle East, it seems like the sympathetic propaganda here has paradoxically primed US Americans to view all Israelis as white. It probably doesn't help that "Middle Eastern" as a distinct racial category is still a relatively new idea here, only becoming popularized after the 9/11 attacks—the US census still legally categorizes all ethnicities we would consider Middle Eastern as white. We're probably witnessing the same type of shifting of the definition of "white" that occurred in the early days of the US with the changing goal lines that determined which European immigrants got to be seen as white and which got oppressed. Just like back then, the answer is always going to be the one that better serves to uphold white supremacy

So yeah, I definitely see where you're coming from. Ukraine gets public sympathy and support from the West as a whole but Palestine gets next to nothing, and the reasons seem to be entirely tied up in white supremacy. People really do think "it's complicated" when the kids being killed are Middle Eastern

[fairytalesandfandoms]

anyway, some backstory for recent posts

Surpising emotions about rediscovering an old interest

under a cut because 1) length 2) Homestuck is mentioned and I get the impression some people don’t like it very much.

Let us turn back the clock to spring 2008. I was in high school and my Standard Grade exams were just a couple of months away. I had a lot of favourite media, but relevant to this story are examples such as: Treasure Planet, Dan Brown books (which I have definitely left behind in that era, but for a while they were definitely A Thing in my brain), Operation Red Jericho by Joshua Mowll, The Mummy, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones. Hopefully you’re sensing a theme here: I would absolutely devour anything with an adventure/mystery combo, especially if it involved codes, maps, riddles, secret organisations etc. And one day, probably a weekend afternoon, we switched on the TV to find this film was on.

And that film... was National Treasure. And surpise surprise, during the scene inside the Charlotte (and over the course of the rest of the film) I got attached to Ben Gates like a limpet.

Things then followed a pattern which had already become very predictable in my life. I liked a character, which then quickly merged into liking an actor (in this case, Nicolas Cage) and of course then Special Interest Brain dictated that I then had to watch as many of his films as I could. Over the next few years I saw... pitifully few of them, now I’ve finally got up the nerve to look on IMDb, but enough to make it a thing (6 before I went off to uni). Unfortunately, because I am notoriously bad at keeping my interests to myself whether I want to or not, my family inevitably finds out within, like, a week of any new obsession, which as a teenager embarrassed me very greatly (and still does a bit). My mum did try to relate to me with such things (she even got my dad to watch one of the National Treasure movies but I don’t think he was that bothered about it tbh), but that usually only made me awkward because I was watching things with my mum and it was embarrassing.

My Nicolas Cage-watching would get one last hurrah in 2010, when I went to see the university film society’s screening of Kick-Ass in freshers’ week. Again, obsessed. Obsessed enough to go as Hit Girl for Halloween that year, but we all know the drill by now - the highkey messed-up (but my kind of messed-up character, with a tragic backstory, incredible combat skills and a cardigan) Damon Macready was really the blorbo of choice.

But what happened then? Why did I go from this high point to trying to avoid mentioning Nicolas Cage as much as possible? Two words: ‘the’ and ‘internet’.

I was already aware that some of Cage’s films were, to put it bluntly. not great. I had felt the cringe a bit even as a teenager, but I soldiered on. However, when I discovered social media and other similar websites, all the memes and jokes and so on made me even more embarrassed about it, and I felt like no one should ever know because I was worried that then even people whose opinions I respected would just laugh at me and tell me I had no taste, and other things of that nature. Some of those jokes were probably exaggerated for comic effect, but I’m really bad at judging tone and to me they read as straightforward mockery or dislike.

Fast-forward to 2023, a week or two ago. I have just moved to a new flat and have no wifi yet. But clever me thinks “ah, but I have the Unofficial Homestuck Collection saved to my laptop, which requires no internet, and the whole new-job-new-flat hassle means I did get behind on my routine catch-up reading. Let’s do that.”

Those of you who are familiar with Homestuck probably knew where this was going as soon as you read the word in this post. For those of you who don’t know, one of the main characters in Homestuck loves the movie Con Air. It’s referenced at least a few times (I’ve just started Act 5, so there may be more to come). There’s one scene (pp. 1660-1666, CW for some ableist language on the last page) that just really made me emotional because it connected this film with the friendship of two of the characters, and it was like a switch was flipped back on in my brain. Or more like pulling down one of those giant switches they pull down to give electricity to Frankenstein. I felt like I had gone through the cringe and come out the other side. I had to watch Kick-Ass and I had to watch it now. Or at least as soon as I got a free two-hour block of time. 

And then after a few days of reliving autumn 2010 (complete with Lady Gaga songs), I had to watch National Treasure. And I vowed that as soon as I got wifi I would watch The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, which I had made myself avoid when it was first out. And now I have. I’m not quite on Javi’s level, because 1) I don’t have Javi’s budget and 2) I would have drawn the line at the sequinned cushion. But let me tell you, teenage me would have gone absolutely feral at that movie. I probably would’ve felt like I shouldn’t be allowed to watch the sauna and pool scenes, for a start. (Thankfully, I’ve become more chill and less wound-up about that sort of thing, relatively speaking.) But god, I had to really get up my nerve to make that ‘what is the internet’s opinion’ post. Now I’ve done that, and gone to the tags in a roundabout way by searching for related movies first and then tag-hopping, it’s a lot less scary. I even managed to look up IMDb, and ignore my brain shouting ‘THE SEARCH ENGINE WILL JUDGE YOU’.

So, my Nic Cage obsession is back “not that [it] went anywhere” (yes, that’s a reference to The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent). More to come, if I can find good content. Unless he gets overtaken by Good Omens

And in the spirit of the aforementioned Homestuck character, I leave you with Rosie, referencing a story I haven’t finished reading and a film I have never seen (YET. BUT SOON).

[bloodbending]

i think i am going through a particularly hard transition in my internal life. outgrowing friendships, reckoning with dozens of uncertainties, dealing with the shame and fear of letting go of the safe performance of straightness i held on to for years (i am not out to my whole family and only to some of my friends)...

and it keeps coming up, forcing me to think about it, as i go through milestones with the people in my life. i feel like i cannot ignore it like i have in the past

for ex.

i had two good friends/roommates six-ish years ago, and they're great. one moved across the country and the other stayed where i live, though they live pretty far away. we were a cute trio, though they were closer in age and in the same major/grew up in the same place, so they were always closer to each other than me.

we're all in different careers and now living in completely different parts of the country, so we naturally grew apart. definitely on me as well, i'm very bad at keeping up and don't do a lot of social media anymore. plus i realized i was bisexual a little bit ago, and they knew me purely as the straight girl undergrad (they're 3 yrs older than me). they were very much that brand of cishet college grad who study hard and party harder. so it was fun while we were in college.

years passed and tbh it became clear we were all going in different paths. their priorities were very much 1) career 2) get a man to get married 3) family, house etc. whereas i was 83749 steps behind not even knowing my own sexuality or even fathoming where i was going to be in five years... very much flying by the seat of my pants

i even told roommate 2, the one that lives far away, that i figured out i was bisexual and she was v happy for me. though when i speak to her now, she's very like... reticent to recognize that part of me? she's the type of woman that's like "my gaydar is so accurate!" if you know what i mean lmfao. she means well but it seems she's more comfortable pretending i never came out to her. i didn't tell r1 because we didn't really talk individually and i had always been closer to r2.

roommate 1 invited me to her wedding and me and my other former roommate were really excited. i even texted her when i got the invite like "yesss im so excited!"

cut to months later, when my roommate 2 was in town. we all got dinner together along with roommate 1's fiance (now husband). super nice guy, so glad to see them, it was like no time had passed

the next time R2 was in town, i recommended a place to get dinner. i made reservations. then day of, and R1 and her fiance say they can't make it. no worries, it was far, so i understood

when i hung out one on one with R2 instead, she told me they actually didn't want to go to the restaurant cause it was too expensive and they had to save for their wedding... and i was like oh shit i didn't realize that, i would have been fine going anywhere... i wish she had just told me that directly, and i wondered why she didn't

cut to months later, the actual wedding, which was this week. i get there with R2 who flew in from another state. her fiance greets roommate 2 when we get to the venue and completely ignores me. we'd only met once but i was still kind of taken aback

and then when we go to see where to sit on the tables, i'm not on the seating chart. i freak out, did i not RSVP? i realize i did, she must of just forgotten me on the list, but i of course am completely thrown off and feel so so so bad

i had to ask her like hey, im so sorry something must have happened, can i just sit next to R2? and she was like yes omfg of course when i saw you, i told my event coordinator right away, you have a seat! so it ended up fine

and the whole time i was there i felt myself sliding back to the person i was before-- straight acting among all these upper class new england white girls, unsure, putting up a facade of perfect mental health, etc.

when her husband came to say hi to us again after i was like "hey we met before!" and he just said "yeah that was a long time ago" which... was so uncomfortable, i had no idea what to say

the reception was fun and i think my roommate was totally fine and she was very happy.

but after i came back from the wedding i was like.. damn, that all felt really bad.

like, again, why no text? no call? no nothing? i texted her the second i got the invite. if my RSVP didn't go through through some glitch, why didn't she reach out to me?

it was kind of awful and i felt so bad, both for potentially being a nuisance on her big day and also because i finally felt the result of me not keeping in touch, from work or stress or mental illness. i just can't help but think, man, my anxiety and adhd are real detriments to my life. but i also thought, well, that's just the way it is sometimes. friends stop being compatible, friends drift apart.

i thought about texting her in a few weeks (she literally just got married so i would never come to her with my hurt feelings right now, asshole move on my part) to apologize, say hey, i think there was miscommunication and i hurt you-- maybe you didn't think i was coming to your wedding so it made youassume certain things so i apologize for that.. i hope we're ok

but then i realized that i don't even think it's worth the effort now. she's not a priority in my life anymore, either... which fills me with sadness.

just been thinking about that. i feel i have to draw a line in the sand with who i pretended to be my whole life. i STILL act like that around people who i'm not out around, and tbh im realizing that it's filling me with resentment. i don't want to feel that way. but fear holds me back.

I want to be the person i have been afraid to be. it means facing all my flaws and potential disability-- and ACCEPTING that i have a disability. it that probably means a lot more grief and a lot of hard transitions.

it's a weird and lonely thing