#stede just trying to do everything right

[do-angels-dream-of-starry-seas]

Everyday I think I'm getting more normal about the gay pirates. But rn I'm making myself almost cry over imagining stede proposing to ed and I feel myself regressing in real time

[bullagit]

actually while im in soup mode i do think its very interesting having this season that seems very very geared towards the talking it through and sharing traumas and healing through that... and the balance between owning that your actions can cause great harm to others and that while explaining what contributed to those actions can be helpful, it doesn't take away that the harm was done...

and stede bonnet is, once again, encouraging all that in everyone around him and stepping into accountability himself, but also not actually sharing any of the trauma that shaped him or contributed to his hoofing it back to barbados at the end of s1

like hmmmmmmmmmm

[izzy-b-hands]

I was thinking abt the occasionally fun but mostly frustrating tradition(in the states at least idk for sure if anywhere else does this?)of valentine's day boxes made for school.

That led me here. steddyhands and the dilemma of the valentines day box assignment for louis and alma, special feature on izzy and his rising blood pressure (sorry izzy bby akdnfjgn), which I'll be real i talk more abt in my tags on this since this probably isn't gonna be written out any further, so yeah. More plot talky izzy stuff in my tags.

Noting this in my tags too, but a moment to specify that ed and stede aren't trying to have like. a shitty parenting moment in this, they're just human and excited abt the situation and sorta fuck up a bit.

---

"The point is that they make the box themselves," Izzy says, for what feels like the hundredth time. "The only grade they get is 'did they do it or not'. Their teachers bolded that part of the email, remember? Said to mind getting too competitive about it?"

"Now I think Frenchie would happily take on the commission," Stede continues, thumbs tapping at his phone keyboard. "He'll reply quickly; he always does for me."

"It's a cardboard box," Izzy says. "To hold paper and cardboard valentines and cheap candy. That's it!"

"Money will help, but the overall design needs to be good," Ed says to Stede, as if Izzy and the kids aren't still standing there. "Money can buy resources, but it can't buy pretty, no matter how nice those resources might be."

"Oh that's good! Applies to other things too, I like it!"

"We bought them new shoes last week," Izzy sighs. Why does he keep trying? He couldn't say. "They each have a box already. We just need to help them decorate the boxes. That's it. That is all the teacher means with this project. I even asked Mary and Doug how they read it, and they agreed with me!"

"Ooh Frenchie has mock ups!" Stede cheers softly. "I knew he'd come through."

"It's okay," Alma pats Izzy's hand. "You tried really hard to make them understand. They're just excited."

"Can we go to the art stuff store now?" Louis whines, tugging at Izzy's other hand. "They won't even notice if we leave!"

"We should leave a note at least," Izzy says.

"Dad does love well written notes and random acts of abandonment," Alma sighs. "You dictate and I'll write. I want to practice my cursive."

"Really?"

"Dad can't read my cursive well yet."

"That makes more sense," Izzy says. "Louis, what are you-"

He watches as Louis tugs Stede's wallet from the countertop, and bolts outside, prize held up over his head with both hands.

"He won't notice," Alma reassures him. "You shouldn't have to pay for our stuff for this anyway."

"You've done this before."

"We'd be stupid if we hadn't," Alma tears a page from her notebook. "Here, I wrote it myself. I'm gonna get Louis in the car."

She's out the door after Louis, hands clapping to get his attention just like Mary did with them both.

"Either of you want to help me address that?" Izzy asks Ed and Stede, who he realises have indeed not stopped talking to each other the entire time. "She's a bit young to be acting like that, yeah?"

They're in their own world. Normally, he wouldn't care, but he's Guardian Five out of many and it feels like Parent/Guardians 1-4 could and should have already noticed it ahead of him.

"Fine," Izzy drops Alma's note by Stede's hand, deciding not to read it. That she actually went through with writing it is kindness enough. "I'm going to let her rack up a ridiculous bill on one of your seven credit cards, and they'll make those stupid fucking valentine boxes so fucking ornate..."

His anger fizzes out mid-sentence. Stede isn't listening. Ed isn't listening. Alma keeps honking the horn in the car and how did she get the fucking keys?!

"You know what? Fast food and ice cream for dinner too," Izzy adds. "On your dime. We'll bring you something back."

He turns his attention to Alma and the frank abuse of the car's horn. "Alma! The neighbours already don't like us, let's not make it worse! Not unless you've got something worse than this planned for later-"

--

The door thunks shut.

"Oh," Stede looks over to it. "Didn't Izzy just say something?"

"No idea," Ed replies, looking through design ideas on his phone. "Why?"

"They were just here," Stede continues. "Him and the kids. Right?"

"Maybe they went out for an after school snack," Ed shrugs. "To get inspired for this big art box project thing."

"Is that what this is? What was this for again?"

"Dunno for sure, but look at this," Ed turns the phone to show Stede the screen. "For Louis?"

Stede lets his concerns drop again. Izzy will mention if they're missing any key details about the kids' projects and what needs to be done. "I think he'd love it! Save that."

The house is getting dark around them, and he wonders if Izzy and the kids will be home for dinner.

[breeyn]

An essay rebutting the “bad writing” claims of s2 ofmd. Spoilers herein.

I’ll preface this with saying you’re obviously allowed to like and dislike whatever you want. I am in no way opposing that. And your reasons are your reasons. Have at. (Also - this is a collection of observations from the past few days, I’m not calling anyone out)

I AM going to rebut the idea that season two was poorly written and lost the spirit of what the show is about.

My favourite movie of all time is Empire Strikes Back. It’s been my favourite movie since I was four. I’m pretty sure it’s a fave of David Jenkins, too. He and Taika have made absolutely no attempt to hide their love of all things 80’s - Prince, the Princess Bride, Kate Bush, Star Wars, etc.

I have ancient video tapes (that I can’t play because who has a vcr) where Lucas is interviewed by Leonard Maltin? Malkin? I dunno. Who cares. Maltin asks him about the Star Wars (original trilogy) story arc. Lucas says “in act I, you introduce all the characters. In act II, you put them in a situation they can’t get out of, and in act III, they get out of it.”

That’s how it works. This is how stories and literary structures work.

Of course you’re not satisfied with season two. You’re not supposed to be.

The arguments I have read on why s2 loses the spirit of s1 is because no one heals. No one learns anything. No one moves forward properly. The person who makes the biggest move towards healing dies. The two main characters end the show doing the exact fucking thing they had promised themselves and each other they wouldn’t do. Our romantic lead still doesn’t understand his value or make any headway on addressing his tragic flaw. It makes no goddamn sense.

My gremlins in weird: it’s not supposed to. In Act 2, EVERYONE LOSES. This is how it goes.

I’ve read a lot of people saying “but this felt like a series finale, not a season finale.” We all know that outside politics play a part here, the strikes make everything precarious. I remember the last writers strike. It destroyed tv for fifteen years. Anyone remember Pushing Daisies? Some of y’all have never had your fave show cancelled with zero resolution for the characters and it shows.

Daddy J did us a kindness. He softened the blow of a tough season. After the brutal cliffhanger of s1, he gave us a little softness and hope. All those things you’re mad aren’t resolved? It’s because THE STORY ISN’T OVER.

No one on earth thinks “stuff all your trauma into a box and ignore it” is good advice. A way to actually live. This show did not have enough screen time to throw out dialogue for no reason. There was foreshadowing in s1 for s2, and there is foreshadowing for s3 in s2. This is a well-crafted story by very smart people who care very much for these characters. There is zero chance Frenchie explained the box in his head for no reason. The reason people have not resolved their trauma and growth is because they haven’t done it *yet*.

And friends - it’s not thinly veiled. They straight up fucking tell us what they’re doing.

Luke Skywalker spends the first two movies fucking up and desperately trying to prove himself and just generally being an idiot. Sound familiar? He ignores the lessons he is supposed to be learning to go off and do what he feels like doing, and loses fucking badly. At the end of Empire, Han is gone, Luke and Leia wave goodbye to the Falcon that has Lando and Chewy - the rest of their crew - aboard. Everyone has lost everything they care about. Vader is undefeated. Yoda is pissed. Nothing is resolved.

You see where I’m going?

If you think I’m stretching this too far, welp, when Ed tells Stede he loves him - the climax of the finale - Stede quotes Han fucking Solo. Like - *it’s right there*. The story structure. The reason everything is unresolved.

So yeah. They wave goodbye to their ship because they have wounds to heal (like Luke’s hand). The people aboard the ship have things to find. Ed and Stede have *not* learned their lesson about whims and how not to be like Anne and Mary. It’s not stupid that they’re doing the same thing, and it’s not pointless that we were shown Anne and Mary. It’s all relevant.

The resolution comes in Act 3. None of these people are done. The story is far, far from over. And just in case the studios want to be dicks about it, David Jenkins was lovely enough to not repeat my enduring heartbreak over Pushing Daisies.

Thank you, @davidjenks 🖤

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

Always just wrecks me how good Stede is at breaking down Ed's insecurities. He just gets him SO WELL and he knows exactly what will make him feel better.

"I'm not a good person, Stede, that's why I don't have any friends!" It might've been so tempting to address the first part of that, that Ed's not a good person, because we know that's not true and Stede knows it, too. But Ed is clearly not in the right space to be changing fundamental worldviews about himself right now. So Stede just gives him a simple "hey! I'm your friend." Efficient, to the point, absolutely no way to argue against it. Ed has a friend. He can be sure of it, because Stede's his friend.

And then their conversation in s2e4, where Ed is still so very vulnerable and hurt. Ed is trying so hard to choose to live, but it's been tough in this episode, and it feels like everyone's angry with him and he's getting sole blame for everything. And Ed's just not ready to hear Stede tell him he loves him. It's true and they both know it, and Ed doesn't deny it ("you don't get to say that to me," he says, not "that's not true"), but Stede is able to pivot so so smoothly to really tell Ed exactly what he needs to know without making him uncomfortable.

It would've been so easy for Ed to read almost anything Stede told him as geniune. He doesn't believe he's a good person, and any positive character traits Stede points out right now could either be used as evidence that he's just Blackbeard (things like being a great pirate, being a good sailor, even being smart), and if Stede started talking about how lovely and sweet and kind Ed is, he's not in the right space to believe that. Worse, these things could confirm for Ed that if he doesn't live up to certain character traits Stede likes, Stede might leave him again. But Stede hits him with "I love everything about you! Just being near you!" And instantly Ed knows that there are no expectations here, there's nothing he has to do other than be Ed, and Stede will love him. Because Stede's favorite thing in the world is just being near him.

Stede Bonnet. Romantic hero of all time.

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

Samba's Death by Cheese Class Notes 11/09/2024

So generally when we get these classes, Samba shares BTS info. This is what I could write down when I wasn't making the Mac.

Pic Source: Samba's Instagram of his dish

Questions:

What was the longest scene to film?

First episode of Stede going down the steps talking about "mentally devastated". They were spending a lot of time riffing and figuring out the characters. They asked everyone to make something up-- Roach said: "First you skin them alive"- each Swede - "First you keep it in side, and then you go home, and then you take it out on your loved ones"

In S2 = The torture scene took the longest to film. Samson and Roach had those clamps on their head the whole time (multiple days of shooting and it sucked) Rhys pulled his shoulder being tied to the mast. Vico and Madeline were nauseous from laying with their feet up in the air for so long. Con and Kristian were tied together, and Samba was saying how con came up to Kristians knee (affectionately)"

What was the story behind the first run of Stede being glammed up by the crew and the sexual tension (before calypsos birthday was written).

Wee John was gonna glam up Stede, add eye shadow, give him a makeover - pierced earring, wear a low cut shirt, and then Blackbeard would notice him-- but then they all decided that it would be better that Blackbeard and Stede bond over this scene of Stede coming into his pirate captainness (or the trauma from it)

More BTS:

The cast hadn't worked together before (except like Rhys and Taika, David Fane and Taika, and Sampson and Joel)

Apparently Samson almost killed them when he threw a sword up in the air. They decided after that the guys wouldn't be doing any major battle scenes or stunts. "You can do yardies that's as far as you go"

They didn't get to learn too much ship work, besides belaying, that's why it always looks like people are just like mopping or hammering in the background. Samba, Kristian, and Nathan wanted to practice throwing rope in the water to save people, Kristian threw it like Hodor, Nathan threw it "GAY" (and he has a video-- but didn't say anything about sharing it)

Talked about making the dish in New Zealand for Rhys and the cast:

He did a lot of impressions of Con, and said "Oh Con, didn't see you there" Looking at the floor "This is delicious, how much cheese is in this?" - Con "Hey! Stop kicking me!" - Samba" "15 Cups"- Samba "15 cups!?" - Con, and then Samba said he just had to pick Con up and calm him down. "Ok put him in the corner!" - Samba (All of this said affectionately)

Mermaid Jizz

People asked about Mermaid Jizz in chat, and the ASL Interpreter was being very good at interpreting things (Berto is the man!)

Funnily enough, apparently this wasn't the raunchiest chat, Felicia Day had people talking about lightning bolts coming out of their Anus, and Berto said something like "nothing can top Jewel" We need this story Berto. Please.

Silly Pronunciations:

Co-Land-Err, and Pap-Ree-cah

Dirty Jokes While Talking about the dish:

"You want it to be nice and sticky like Lucius' Sheets"

"Nice and coated, like blackbeard on calypsos birthday, and the inn happening right now"

"Gentle and easy, like the gentleman pirate"

"Moist, Lucius' favorite word"

Love being sent to all of us:

We need to band together and support each other. Thank you for supporting the LA food bank, it means a lot to Samba personally.

Love Conquers all Cast and Fans are Bonded for eternity "You and I we are like Lucius and Black Pete. Nothing can keep us apart-- or not, never mind that's too sticky".

Love to everyone, he is not leaving twitter because actors HAVE to have multiple socials-- but he'll look into if he can hop onto BlueSky

If you attended the class and shared your results, please tag Samba Schutte and Momentus on the socials!

If you all remember anything I missed please let me know or reblog with it please! I was trying to write everything down while making this monstrosity lol.

[plantsjustwannahavefun]

I used to think that the reason I wasn't satisfied with Izzy's death was because I was too attached to his perspective as a character and couldn't focus on the big picture of the season and the main Gentlebeard relationship enough. I mean, I was still convinced that his death and the way it was carried out was a shit writing decision, but everyone else outside the Izzy Canyon circles seemed fine with it, so I was starting to think that maybe they were right.

So I looked back on the rest of the season and rewatched the finale... And realised something that I'd been trying to ignore because it was too painful to admit. A huge part of why Izzy's death hit so hard (in a bad way, not that delicious masochistic pain of having a beloved character die a good, narratively satisfying death) was because throughout this season he was the only character who actually had a satisfying arc and development. Practically no one else did. I didn't actually care for Gentlebeard this season, not the way I cared in S1. From episode 1 to 8 and a half, Izzy's arc was crafted with more care, kindness, subtlety and narrative weight than the main Gentlebeard arc which, in comparison, felt like a string of choppy beads badly tied together in an approximate shape of an arc, but collapsed as soon as you looked at it too closely.

Yes, we all know this season suffered for being 2 episodes too short, but I don't think that's all there is to it. This is starting to feel like GoT season 8 all over again. Would it have been better if it wasn't so rushed? Maybe. Or maybe it would have been even worse because this season just didn't seem to know what to do with itself or the characters. The themes and symbolism are all over the place and completely inconsistent. Ed and Stede's characters are practically back at the same place they left in S1. All they did was bounce off the walls back and forth with no real growth. As soon as they took a step towards fixing their relationship or growing as people, they either tool three steps back or it just got dropped. Stede letting fame get to his head? Interesting and realistic development. And how was it resolved? It wasn't. Stede and Ed being whim prone? I'm glad they brought it up. And then they just fell for another whim and it was presented as a satisfying ending.

Ed went from the Kraken, to taking the first steps towards being Ed, then suddenly all the way to being Ed by way of a Night of Magical Healing Sex that he he didn't actually want to happen because he wasn't ready. And then all of a sudden he pivoted to abandoning Stede and piracy and becoming a fisherman... for 5 min. And then back to Blackbeard again because two fishermen were mean to him for 5 minutes. And then abandoning it again to open an inn. How was any of this even remotely coherent or satisfying? They didn't even have a single conversation about any of it. Ed had more proper closure and communication with Izzy during his dying scene than with Stede and the rest of the crew put together. Izzy's arc got sacrificed to do the heavy lifting for Ed's arc and became nothing more than a shortcut to speed run his character growth. Except it didn't even lead anywhere. "Ed, they're your family, they love you" no they don't, he didn't even have a single positive conversation with any of them except Fang. Of course this could have been the point, and Ed could have seen Izzy's death, his own discovery of found family and his dying words as a pretext to repair his relationship with the crew. But he just left them and stayed with Stede instead.

Sure, you could say this was only the second act of the story, and S3 will resolve everything. But the second act is still meant to move the story and the characters forward in some way. Yes, of course if we get S3, I imagine Stede and Ed's life as innkeepers won't exactly be idyllic. But the problem is that the conflicts they'd have will only be a rehash and repeat of the same conflicts they've already have, or were supposed to have, this season. Multiple times, even. We already know that Ed is simply unable to live with himself no matter what life he chooses. The title of S1 was literally "wherever you go, there you are". We already know Stede's love isn't enough to fix him. We already know their goals in life are completely opposite. Maybe they could have shown Stede realising, after his humiliating in S7, that piracy wasn't all it was cracked up to be or he isn't suited for it, and that's why he chose to leave it behind and open an inn, but that's not the explanation we were given. It was just another whim. They literally didn't learn anything this season. They had two baby conversations in E4 and E5 and didn't take anything from it, just kept doing the complete opposite of anything. "We're both prone to whims, let's take things slow" became "let's take things extremely fast by moving in together permanently and becoming entrepreneurs". They never talked about the actual, deepseated, longstanding trauma issues they needed to resolve before they could even begin to have a proper relationship. They literally got a heavy-handed glimpse in what their life would become if they just stuck together without addressing their own personal issues, and chose to do that very thing. It that's what S3 is going to address, then why were Anne and Mary part of this season instead of the next one?

I remember everyone saying they wanted Ed and Stede to reunite as quickly as possible in S2, and I get why. They have great chemistry together. The season is about them. But for it to work, spending more time apart is exactly what they needed. They needed to learn how to live with themselves and others, first. Romantic love alone can't fix you as a person. You have to fix yourself first. Community can help (as with Izzy's case), but you still have to put in the work. In retrospect, I'm glad that Izzy didn't get a love interest this season - because he wasn't ready yet, and had to learn how to have normal relationships and friendships with other people before attempting an intimate romantic relationship, lest he ended up falling head first unit another toxic mutually dependent relationship. That's what Stede and Ed should have tried too. Instead the show just ended up using Izzy's death as a quick surgical fix, robbing Ed of his agency and having to do the hard work repairing himself and his relationships with other people. There's a sad irony in getting exactly one character's arc just this, and then using it as a sacrificial lamb to patch over the main character's arc.

[skinmite]

trying to blame all of blackbeards evils on izzy in order for his death to be symbolic is sooooo bullshit i keep thinking about it. it felt like retconning away eds past misdeeds saying it was izzy instead of actually writing ed Growing As A Person. which. his past doesnt need to be squeaky clean thats the point right. idk man everything said in that scene is just untrue i genuinely dont understand.

ed has always done whatever the fuck he wants. that was the conflict with ed and izzy that ed never fucking listened and izzy wanted ed to do his job as a captain. we see izzy constantly being frustrated bc he has to pick up eds slack while captain does fuckall.

if you dont do something soon were all gonna die/clean up your own mess ive been doing it for you all my life/exhaustedly trying and failing to get ed to focus/trying and failing to get ed to stop goofing off with stede. very running joke

“i fed your darkness” give me a fucking break. izzy couldnt feed ed a cup of water if the man was dying of dehydration. ed has never listened to izzy. literally never. hes influenced only by his own whims and emotions and substances thats whats established it doesnt make senseeeee

[crimson-and-clover-1717]

I think @daria-meoi’s post regarding how we talk about Merstede as the goldfish is very interesting.

I read the ‘sweet little goldfish’ as the fandom’s celebration of the show’s rebuttal of Stede’s masculine dream sequence, and I too love cooing over his adorableness here. But I agree, it doesn’t always take into account Stede’s needs, nor how I think Ed actually sees Stede during the vision. It shapes Stede as something performative for Ed. But Stede is not an emotional support pet, and Ed doesn’t see him as such.

Ed alters his comment from mermaid to merman to merperson. Stede is definitely not a mermaid. I am forever grateful they chose to give Stede a trident which is carried traditionally by mer-men. Merstede is presented as the perfect mixture of theatrical whimsy and a certain masculine strength - which is everything Stede is; and it’s clear this is what Ed wants, though Ed does appear to focus a little more on the ‘orange sparkle’.

What Stede possibly takes, however, from being imagined as a merman is a little different. Stede almost certainly has a classical education and is well-versed in Greek mythology. I think the ‘Sea God’ comment could be interpreted as a through-line from his conversation with Ed that morning.

Stede might be equating himself with someone such as Triton, a fish-tailed, demigod, symbolic of a more traditional masculinity, including a beard. The attention over Ned Low and Ed’s merman comment meld together for Stede into a new hubris. And this causes Ed to panic.

Stede possibly goes too far in the opposite direction in 207, forgetting the ‘orange and sparkly’ parts of himself, and focusing instead on traditional masculine identities and behaviours.

The thing is Merstede, or let’s say Stede, is neither the sparkly goldfish nor the sea god. Or he’s some combination of both in the middle. Importantly, Ed’s vision is also that combination - Ed sees a Merman.

Merstede is orange and sweet and sparkly, and muscly, and self-assured, and carries a big spear. He’s incredibly complex, and it’s making sense of those seemingly-contradictory traits - the goldfish/sea-god, gentleman/pirate - which I guess is some of the season 3 work we need to see Stede undergo. Stede deserves to have all aspects of himself fully actualised, as does Ed.

If we do call Stede a ‘sweet little goldfish’, we maybe need first to recognise that he is being himself for himself, not for Ed. Else we’re wanting Stede to perform for Ed, as Ed was tasked with performing for Izzy. Just as Ed’s right is to simply ‘be Edward’ for Edward, so it’s Stede’s right to ‘be Stede’ for Stede. And it’s in that freedom to be themselves truly for the first time that their relationship can grow.

And second, we should try to remember Stede isn’t simply a goldfish. An important aspect of his true self is he can, should, and will stab you with his metaphorical giant fork to protect those he loves. Ed doesn’t want a pet. And whilst Ed doesn’t actually want Stede to kill, I do think he wants someone capable of it who usually chooses not to.

[bowieandqueen11]

Not Just A Trinket / Izzy Hands Imagine

Request: hi! ur writing is EVERYTHING btw. ur an amazing writer. you mentioned you wanted to write for izzy hands again and i have a request– feel free to ignore if it's not what ur looking for :) maybe izzy hands x reader where the reader has a small gift for him (a little trinket, a beaded crystal bracelet– something they made for him) but they're WAY too anxious to give it to him because they're scared he won't like it so they end up just carrying it around, trying to build up the courage to give it to him pfft

AHHH thank you so much my lovely, that's so sweet of you, and so is this idea!!! :3 Also I know I'm a little early in the timeline mentioning Davy Jones but I like to think of Izzy as a trendsetter ;)

Warning: mentions of fighting/ injury and strong language, some sexual innuendo!

(I do not own OFMD or its characters, all rights go to creators. Gif credit goes to @nadsdraws.)

☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°

Izzy Hands was beginning to detest feeling like this.

He would rather charge sword first at a horde of raging Englishmen: would prefer to scrabble and scrape and scratch through the eye sockets of thousands of the Spanish with naught but his bloodied fingernails. Hell, even grovelling under the sole of the snivelling wreck that now possessed his former boss like a twisted nightmare, a horrid regret, would be preferable. If his hand wasn't too firmly attached to tangled rope of one of the shrouds in a death grip, if his glove wasn't close to bursting at the seams with how tightly he was gripping, he had half a mind to draw his dagger out of its scabbard and gouge his heart out right there and then.

He looked furious. So much so, that Roach was quick to side step him as he hopped down the steps with fresh sewing materials in his hand, giving a final look back at the intent man who only bared his teeth at the cook in response. Valuing his life, or at least the ability to keep all his fingers, if the sight of the keen blade being twisted between Izzy's free fingers told him anything, Roach is quick to recoil back and raise a concerned eyebrow in Wee John's direction. He in turn just rolls his eyes and lowers his head back to his sewing, but the rest of Stede's crew are astute enough, from where they're lingering around the deck, to notice the thick tension brewing like cold shivers of electricity in the air. Even Jim and Oluwande were giving each other side eyes, pausing their hammering at the helm to dart their eyes to their side and trace the path of Izzy's line of sight.

It never wavered. Every time they looked, it never changed. He had spent the last two hours gaping sourly towards the edge of the quarter deck. Gawking solely at you, without a single movement, without a single flicker outside the bubble where you hunched.

You thought he was angry at you for arranging a special outing for Ed and Stede at Datura Grotto, finally indulging in finding a way for them to spend some time alone after your Captain had begged and hounded you for days; he had become so accustomed to bursting through doors trying to find you and ask for your help, that the poor daunted man nearly burst into tears when he smashed your bedroom door into your nose and nearly broke it. The rest of the crew believed he was plotting something: trying to pick out the quieter members of their friends first, as payback for being stuck on this so called 'straight out of Davy Jones' arsehole' of a ship for so long.

Izzy, though. Izzy knew he was smitten. And he fucking hated it. He hated feeling so vulnerable.

Out of all the crew members still pretending to mill about, only Lucius was daring enough to purse his lips and look brazenly back at Blackbeard's first mate. Only Lucius, in fact, was feeling equally brave, and equally vexatious that fine afternoon to muster up the courage to slide up beside him. 'Someone in a bad mood today, are we?'. He taps the ships railing with the point of his nail, the broom he had been pretending to sweep splintered pieces off the floor a moment ago soon forgotten about as he leans it against the side of the ship. He replaces the loss by dropping his hand to his hip, cocking his head and smiling at an increasingly agitated looking Izzy. 'Would it have anything to do with that fine young sea farer over there by any chance? How romantic, Dizzy Izzy. Oh, I do love a good fix-me-up-'

Oh, he was enjoying this.

Izzy's quick to snap, not even bothering to look in Lucius' direction. 'Fuck off, before I do you a favour and cut that little seducing tongue out of your mouth for you.' Lucius watches Izzy's fingers tighten into leather clad black balls on the rope ladder, and doesn't need a second warning to trot off back towards his friends again. With a final wide eyed look of shock, he turns back to Black Pete and shrugs, holding his hands up as if to say that he tried his best.

All the while, you just keep your gaze steady out and onto the brewing horizon of the sea, watching as foam shook out like reaching hands around your ankles as they across cut through the wave crests, only the salty sting of thrumming silence keeping you company underneath his watchful gaze. The beaded necklace you had spent the last week or so threading together, carefully crafted by trembling fingers and a bit tongue during long evenings spent in your hammock, was beginning to feel like an anchor weight in your pocket. You tried to distract yourself with mundane, idle chit chat with a very thankful Lucius, who had swung over to your side after Pete convinced him to go scouting out for some more gossip. Swinging his legs between the latches of the port quarter, he merrily took the hammer you were idly holding from your hand and began to 'fix up the ship', his wrist barely moving as he turned to you with a scheming smile.

'So, do you know what's going on then? Why Izzy's acting like this? I swear, that man. If he doesn't bend over right now and try to get that stick out of his arse, he's going to be a miserable sad sack of repressed irritation forever. He's like a jack in the box. I swear to god, I'm just waiting for him to burst.' The tone of his voice sounds almost worried, but Lucius is smiling and waggling his eyebrows the whole while. 'That would be kind of funny, actually. I've always imagined him as a stamper. Or maybe a screamer-'

You have no idea what to say, not understanding Lucius' oh so unsubtle hints, so you just run your fingers over the bulge in your pocket once more and chime in to his rant from time to time with a disinterested 'hmm' or distracted 'oh, yeah. Definitely.' It really didn't help that you were beginning to blush the same champagne hue as the bubbles between your toes with how gravely Izzy was staring at the side of your face. It was growing increasingly harder not to give into the temptation: to not just swing your head around and meet his hard-set eyes head on.

Once he realises you're dead set on staying right there, away from him, hiding in the corner all day, he sighs and let's go of the sails, marching off to do another impromptu inspection of the boarded vessel. It's an easy distraction: yelling orders at Wee John, spitting insults at Roach as he scurries out of Izzy's way, stealing the Swede's cup out of his hand and spraying beads of coffee around Buttons' feet. All of it was a Grade A fantastic distraction, and Izzy was hell bent on forgetting just how quickly time had gone by that day: Ed and the moronic, sappy, massive twat of an arse Stede would be back from their foliage constitutional any minute now, and Izzy was acutely aware that he was running out of both minutes, and chances to ask you to take a walk with him on the island himself. He had spent far too much of the morning wasting away, leaning his back on Stede's antique armoire and watching you with crossed arms: like a weathered statue, the growing umbra he cast somehow seeming to reach its tendrils out and blanch the fringes of the doorway. Even Fang and Ivan had been too terrified to come near him, and so he had been left alone. A silent sentinel, trying to figure out why the fuck his heart was cracking against the cage of his ribs and tearing their ligaments to shreds.

You hadn't exactly made things any easier for the man: feeling so intimated, you had spent the whole morning begging your friends to whisk you away from him at the first sign of danger. Whether that meant ducking behind Frenchie's lute like a crab, or hiding like a bulky turtle under the large bit of crimson cloth Oluwande was fiddling with the tassels of, you had used any form of escape to save you from the embarrassment of having to be near him. To let him see how flustered you became just at the overwhelmingly intense pressure you felt in the air any time he swaggered over to your side: to hide the fact that your eyes would widen in abject horror, your breath hitching any time the back of his gloved hand would 'accidentally' brush against your wrist as he went on his merry way, pretending it was all by accident. That it was all just a little game to him.

Little did you know, that he was feeling exactly the same way. The one time he had dared to come over to you that day had been an unmitigated disaster. He thought he was being... well, as kind as he possibly could be by slapping you on the shoulder and saying 'how good of a job you're doing.' He was nodding his head between every word, that jilted, simpering smile on his face as he supplemented his sentiment with an incredibly heartfelt 'at least Y/n knows how to do a fucking thing on this ship, not like you lot of useless fucking fuckers they have to work with. The rest of you are embarrassing, really.' He went to walk away, the side of his wrist glancing against the back of your hand as he finished with a breathless 'you lot could learn a thing or two from Y/n.'

He had staggered away from you as if mortally wounded, tongue bitten between his teeth as he tried as nonchalantly as possible to make his way back to the stern of the ship. While you were busy trying to bury your head down into your chest and avoid the smirking faces of Lucius and Pete, you happened to notice from the side of your eye that with each step Izzy was ringing out his hand. To your surprise, he used his teeth to rip his glove off, tucking it under his armpit as he wrangled with his fingers; he couldn't stop every cell burning as if it had just been reeled under the bottom of the ship. Couldn't understand why his fingertips wouldn't stop shaking as he flexed them.

Lucius was right. He was about to erupt, and he wondered if he'd ever be alright again.

It took until the sun nearly bowing over the jaded unicorn surmounting the anterior of the Revenge for you to find the courage to finally slink away from your convenient hiding spot to go over to Izzy. Well, that and the feel of Lucius literally dragging you up by the wrist and giving you a well meaning shove in the back towards the helm.

'Oh, fuck me', Izzy hisses as he watches you approach, turning his back to you to hide how flustered he was becoming with each tugging step at his heart you take towards him. He nearly jumps high enough to fall face first off the side of the boat when he feels your hand tentatively tap his shoulder, but he manages to inhale sharply and compose himself as best as he can before he flicks his eyes to look at you.

'I-uh-', you swallow thickly, shakily drawing your hand away from him and tucking it behind your back. 'I-, uh. I, I mean, I-'. The two of you, a far change of pace from usual, can barely keep your eyes on each other.

You feel like throwing your shoe at Lucius when you register the all too familiar sing song-y chime of his voice murmuring 'say something!' from behind your back. 'Or I swear to god, I'll kiss the man for you!'

'Well, I-', you start again, shooting the most vicious glare you could strangle out of you back at your friend. With a final sigh, you continue: 'I saw your necklace, and I don't mean to pry- but since you're always wearing black, which of course is incredibly cool, I just- well, I thought it needed a burst of colour.' Without a second thought, you scramble to pull your makeshift necklace out of your trousers, and shove the glistening glass emeralds and burnished pearls into his fist.

'It's just a silly thing, really. I saw Stede fixing Ed's red fabric and I just thought... well, you don't have to wear it. It's just a trinket, it's stupid. Really, you don't have to wear it. I'm sorry-'. After a pause, the burning sensation is enough to make you turn on your heel and bashfully start to make a break for the Rec Centre, just to get as far away from him as possible.

'It's not just a trinket.' The softness of his tone, despite how harshly he sounds out the letters makes you swivel back in surprise. He takes the opportunity to take a step forward and grab onto your wrist. He tugs you closer, until you're standing dangerously close to him: if he were to inhale deeply now, to puff his chest out just a tenth of an inch, your belly buttons would be tightly pressed upon each other. You can already feel his buttons strain against your shirt as he whistles out through bunched teeth, the breath sharp and warm against the side of your jaw. 'Don't say that. Never say that. It came from you, so it's not-... just, don't say that.'

He blinks, slowly releasing his viper grip.

'I like it. I really do. Thank you.' He motions awkwardly with a flick of his fingers to the side of his neck. 'Would you mind? With the gloves, I'm... not very good with clasps. Haven't, haven't used one in a long time.'

You can't stop your head from nodding, feeling like a wound up spring toy as you unfurled his fingers again and took the gift back. With a final swallow, you try not to turn cerise as you gently roll down the collar of his shirt. It folds easily down over his vest, until your bare fingers are dragging over the naked line of skin on his neck, just teasingly hiding the tense muscles of his upper back.

'You really didn't have to do this for me, you know.'

'Yeah... but I wanted to. You're not as much of an arsehole as Stede tries to make out.' You manage out a giggle, before you're back to biting your bottom lip in concentration, brushing a few strands away from the back of his head.

He wants to say more, but his voice chokes in the back of his throat like rifting water, his mouth trembling as your fingers brush over the coiled grey hairs bristling at the nape of his neck. It feels like a red hot poker is being dragged across his skin; he shivers at the feeling, a tight coil rolling across his limbs before settling uncomfortably heavy in the pit of his stomach.

He looks like he's about to weep when you take a step back, reaching up with a final pat to make sure the little metal swallow that adorns the centre of your necklace is lying perfectly against his breast. You may have lingered there a little longer than necessary... long enough for your palm to begin burning against the firm muscle of his pec, and for Lucius to draw out an enunciated wolf whistle, but it was definitely worth it. Even the sound of Frenchie snickering from the barrel he was perched on down on the deck was drowned out by the thrumming toll in your ears: by the sound of Izzy's sharp breath piercing your ear as he wavered uneasily on the spot. He didn't want to move away from you, not yet. He could barely even hear them. For the first time in his life, he didn't even fucking care. All he could focus on, over the bridge of his nose - through the gentle curls of his tired eyelashes, was you.

He was intoxicated - but even worse, he was finally beginning to understand. By god, he wondered. What the fuck had you done to him? Could this really be what Edward feels? Could anyone, really, feel this much?

'I hear swallows are meant to bring good luck', you state with bated breath, fingering the charm you had picked up from a market stall at the Republic of Pirates for a final time. It had reminded you almost immediately of Izzy: a hidden treasure, glistening white-gold, like fresh sunlight flitting across the glitter combs littered across the sea beds. It had been well buried within piles of muck: old straw, rotten bits of moulding fruit, bloodied bones twisted into odd shapes that you could barely recognise, but it had been lying there. Waiting just for you. A needle in the haystack. The final piece of the puzzle.

Izzy's breath draws in sharply as you absentmindedly begin to brush your pointer finger up and up: tracing the edge of his jaw line before rolling over the same bird tattoo lacing his neck, your eyes still drawn to the gap between his shirt where his Adam's apple lay tautly.

'Yes. Very good luck', he states, amazed he even found his voice. Surprisingly, he doesn't even try to pull away. He lets you trace your finger over the beak, gliding across the round belly until they're dancing teasingly over its tail. In fact, without his wonderous, dipped eyes looking away from you, he seems to be tilting his head in time, allowing you easier access to brush against his skin and steal his soul with every movement.

Before he has time to think of the repercussions of what he was about to do, the leather of his gloves flex around your cheeks and Izzy Hands has bowed his back down over you, lips knocking against yours. It's terse, and rather urgent in its forcefulness; it was both a slip of outrageous passion, and a terse reminder of his years out of practice feeling any sort of physical affection, and yet you couldn't help but brush up even closer to the man. He welcomes you eagerly, even though this eternity lasted only a moment: with his thumb, he tilts the jut of your chin up so he can lick his tongue against your bottom lip all the more easily. His knee slides forward until it knocks against your own, lurching you forward and saving him the embarrassment of having to voluntarily admit to his weakness and slide his other hand around the pulse point of your neck, until he was cradling the bone of your shoulder.

He finally draws back, his tongue darting out to lick along the edge of his top lip. 'Yeah, very lucky indeed.' He seems sorrowful to be letting go of you, but the loud whistling and snorting that begins to bounce back and forth between Stede's crew snaps Izzy back to himself. With a final glance back down to your lips, he struts off to pick up Lucius' long abandoned broom and starts chasing him across the ship with it.

[cursed-rat-of-homosexuality]

Listen, I know we're all talking about the beautiful editing in this scene right now. However, and that might be just a guess, I think Ed is killing someone here.

First off, look at the background. They aren't fighting anymore. This isn't an action packed raid scene where everybody is fighting against one another amidst the chaos of bloodshed. It's quiet, normal even. The fighting is over, and everyone is either checking their newly acquired loot or looking at Ed, who seems to be at the center of ship. Now see where the gun is pointed - it's down,

almost as if he is shooting someone who's kneeling.

That's not a warning shot and neither is it a fight, that's an execution. Ed is killing again (by his definition of killing I mean)

And I DEFINITELY am not implying that he has become super violent and angry or something like that (which I think is a very stupid, racist take and not in line with his previous characterization at all, but that's a whole other post), tbh I think it's exactly the opposite. He isn't angry at all, that's what's worrying me. There is a stone cold dead calm in him. I think he has given up.

That is, by letting go of one of his core principles (not killing), and therefore becoming the Kraken - he is personafying himself as his father's killer, trying to become the monster other people and himself believe him to be. I mean, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES!!

He is wearing nine guns and is very much looking like a vampire clown. He's dressing up as a caricature of himself. He is doing all of that because - deep down - he thinks that's why Stede left him. Because when he finally laid his soul bare in front of him, Stede rejected him (so that surely must mean that he saw something he did not like in there). To Ed, Stede finally "sees him now" as the monster he really is. A monster who isn't deserving of fine things, or luxuries such as not killing. So when he becomes the Kraken, after Izzy does That Whole Thing, he gives up trying to fight for them.

Thing is, the Kraken is not really killing other people, at least narratively speaking (sorry Lucius). Killing is a tool he is using to let go of the part of him that longs for Stede, love and all the fine things that he can't have - and the part of him that is just so, so hurt by not having them. The Kraken isn't killing others, it's killing Ed.

So it's no wonder that we see him kill at a wedding of all places. It's the embodyiment of everything he has ever wanted and lost so far. Extravagant dresses, good food, fancy stuff and, most of all - love.

[iris-in-the-rain]

Stede has had the most awful day at Bonnet Industries. He's feeling really poorly and run down, but he keeps trying to push through. His father already gave him a dressing down in front of everyone. He's been feeling so unwell that more than once, he had to sit down on the floor against the wall. Of course, nobody paid him any attention. His face is all red and puffy from trying to hold back tears, but all he gets from his 'colleagues' is snide comments about his appearance. He finally gets in the car and opens his phone to a message from his best friend, Ed

'Looking forward to the movie later! Can't believe we get to see it on the big screen 😍 Yaaaay! Do you remember the first time we saw it?? x'

Of course he remembers. How could he not? He remembers looking at Ed that day and thinking how lucky he was that such a cool, smart and talented person wanted to be friends with him, silly Stede Bonnet. Stede starts crying then, ugly sobs, because he completely forgot about tonight and Ed was so looking forward to seeing the first movie they both saw together on the big screen this evening and he's feeling so hot and weak, and look, Nigel is pointing at him from across the parking lot. So Stede starts driving until he somehow gets home. He barely remembers getting into the house and replying to Ed's message. Ed deserves better. Stede is just useless. He's not a good friend, let alone boyfriend material. He lies down on the sofa and closes his eyes.

Until he wakes up and isn't sure where he is or what's happening. He's simultaneously freezing and really hot. He's in his bed, wearing his fluffiest pajamas, and wrapped in a comforter. And Ed is sleeping in a chair next to him, holding his hand.

Stede whimpers, and Ed snaps awake, immediately cupping Stede's face and frowning at the heat radiating off him.

'Hey love, shhh, you're alright. You should have told me you were feeling so ill'

Stede's eyes fill with tears again.

'The movie! We missed the movie, Ed, I'm so sorry, 'm just useless...'

'Hey, who you calling useless, hey? Better not be my Stede. Gonna need you to take these and drink some water, okay?'

'Ed, I'm sorry fo...'

'Hey, it's okay...'

'No, it's not okay!' Two tears roll down Stede's fever-flushed cheeks. 'We were supposed to see our movie and I could finally tell you you're the best thing in my life and that, that I wouldn't know how to keep going without your support and and everything is wrong, but you are right, you are the only right in my life, and I love you, okay, I just love you so much, but I'm not good enough, and you d- deserve better and I'm just a st...'

But Stede doesn't finish as he finds himself wrapped in Ed's arms and oh, if that isn't the place he never ever wants to leave. Heaving sobs shake his body, as his best friend, his Ed, holds him close, pressing kisses to his head, and murmuring words that Stede can barely make out, but...

'Love, it's okay. I've got you. I love you, too. You have no idea how much, Stede, my god, I got so terrified when you wouldn't answer the door and then I saw you on the sofa...' Ed holds him tigther. 'You're everything, okay! Just...' Ed realises that with the fever, Stede might not remember any of this in the morning, but that's okay. He'll tell him again.

As Stede falls asleep again, it is to the sound of his best friend's heartbeat and a dream of love that he never dared to hope for but always deserved. And Ed falls asleep holding his whole world.

[beansprean]

NSFW question. Do you have any particular top/bottom or D/s headcanons for your fave ships (like Nandermo or Blackbonnet) or are all of them reversible and/or depending on the story

blackbonnet is p reversible, tho the catboy thing i think influenced us all lmaoooo. p sure they are willing and excited to try anything and everything they can think of. stede comes home like honey i unlocked a new kink to try! and ed's like i tried that in 1709 and threw my back out. lets go for it. sometimes they just poke at each other and giggle! they have fun.

for nandermo, to me, they fall most naturally into pillow princess (nandor)/service top (guillermo). s4 has my back on that one tbh. nandor wants to be pampered and loved (and has a canonical pain kink), guillermo wants to be sexy and powerful (and is canonically very good at inflicting pain on vampires), and they both want to be praised (via words or just happy noises)! this doesnt always mean guillermo is topping, but this is the kind of dynamic that feels right to me. occasionally they switch it up if guillermo is feeling in his vampire ravishment fantasies, bc nandor is only too happy to serve when he's not being a needy brat. :3 (i have a bdsm comic exploring a lot of these thoughts actually - it's a patreon exclusive unfortch, but there's sfw previews on tumblr!)

they are both kinda 'guy who has experienced maybe 1% of sex and is like a rabid dog once he gets a taste' x 'guy who has experienced so much of sex that he kinda got bored of it but somehow its new with you' and i love that for them <3

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

Some musings on how to write Stede. He's genuinely a tough one to pin down because his voice is very him, he'll say things like "methinks" just as readily as "here's the deal, buckos." But I think I've got a few things nailed down and wanted to share in case they help anyone else.

Biggest thing: if you're struggling with getting Stede's voice right, his voice is a hell of a lot closer to Ed's than it is to the Aziraphale-brand "generic posh British" voice. If he's been surprised, Stede's more likely to say "oh shit" than "good heavens," you know what I mean?

My guy is not going to say something like "good evening! I was wondering if you would be interested in doing intercourse with me this fine evening" unless, and this is crucial, it would be funny for him to say that. Sometimes when it comes down to him using a fancier affect your judgment call needs to be based on how funny that line is going to be. Like, that line isn't in character if it's meant to be an example of just how he talks but if it's Stede trying to awkwardly flirt over text then it's fine.

I think that's important so it bears emphasizing: if you're going to have Stede talk overly-posh and use unusually fancy words, it's okay if it's funny. This seems to be the main rule the show uses, too.

Stede is usually polite but he's not timid. He has very few qualms about being a bitch to someone if he knows them well already or if they were rude to him first. Think about him telling Jim that they're "welcome to borrow [his suit]...or, well, look at it." Let queen bitch over here be a bitch!

Stede is ruthless. This doesn't mean he's unkind; it means he's very good at seeing exactly how to get from Point A to Point B and he will commit himself to getting there. The threat Ned Low posed is already neutralized? Doesn't matter. He hurt Ed, he's going down.

Stede's voice is much more formal and flowery when writing than when speaking. Think about "we're joined to one another, intertwined. We wrote our names on each other in permanent ink" in his letter compared to a more simple "I love everything about you" when speaking.

Let 👏🏾 Stede 👏🏾 Say 👏🏾 Weird 👏🏾 Things!👏🏾 This guy is weird, he's a weirdo, he doesn't fit in. If you're thinking to yourself "why the fuck would you say that" you're probably onto something. Let him make weird choices. Stede, especially after a bit of character development, is very himself - if he's a college professor, let him drag a full comfy armchair up to his fifth-floor office. If he runs a sex toy shop, let him proudly show off his invention called "the Cervix-Slammer 9000" that'll leave Ed very satisfied but also unable to walk for a week. Let him be enthusiastic and weird!

[amuseoffyre]

Stede's progression of realising how bad things became is so quietly done through s2. Especially since the start point is him knowing Ed marooned his crew.

Plus, despite what everyone seems to think about him, Stede knows a lot more about Ed's past actions than they seem to realise. He knows about Ed's dad (something no one else knows), he knows about the burning ships and the toe-cutting and the skinning.

He just is... coming at it from the wrong angle at the start of the season.

"he's just letting off some steam" - it's still all just pirating activity, if a lot more intense than usual

"why would he [kill me]?" - Stede still not grasping how much he meant to Ed and how much damage his departure did

"I'm afraid your life is better without me" - and also still of the belief he will always and only be a last choice

"Ed pushed you? Why would he do that?" - the realisation that the stuff that happened to his crew was because of him

"I hurt Ed so much he pushed you off the ship" - not just realising it, but acknowledging it and recalibrating his perspective to see that not only did Ed actually genuinely care for him as much as he did for Ed, but that in leaving him behind, he's sent Ed on a downward spiral.

"I think I hurt him pretty bad" - again, acknowledging he did a wrong and determined to fix it

"I'm not ready to believe [that the time he spent with me is the best it's ever going to get for him] - the conviction that Ed can and does deserve to have some more of the happiness he craved when he just wanted "to be Edward"

his entire interrogation of the Break-up Boat crew, knowing full well that they're all lying but not able to get a clear answer

It speaks measures that he goes from thinking "Ed wouldn't want to kill me because he probably didn't even notice I was gone" to piecing together all the pieces of evidence and realising how truly shattered Ed is. It's a slow, steady realisation and in that confrontation with Izzy in the cabin, it has all crystalised into the knowledge that "he was going to watch the world burn or die trying".

He always knew what Ed was capable of, even if the crew thought he didn't or was being foolish and naive about it. "It feels pretty complicated. It feels bad", he admits when he knows how badly Ed hurt them, especially when he now believes it's all his fault.

"I let him down and I'm the cause of a lot of this", he says, so everything he does after that is in the name of trying to make things right. He does right by the crew, he negotiates with Zheng for their release, and even after he finds out they killed Ed, he still works to save them all, because he knows they don't deserve to die for saving themselves.

And then when Ed comes back, he agrees to let the crew decide Ed's fate - they voted him out (and I'm so curious about who voted how because Izzy's vote was the decider) but Stede said he would ask the crew if he could come back as well and clearly, they allowed it.

He spends so much of the rest of the season trying to undo all the damage he believed he had done, both with the crew and with Ed himself, even if he may or may not be very good at it. He tries and continues to try to make amends and I like him very much for it.

[ourfag]

stede: so after this i was thinking we c—

stede: ed?

ed, staring at his phone like he’s trying to light it on fire with his mind:

stede: ed? is everything okay? did you get a text fr—

stede, Looking:

stede: ah. hm. well that’s

stede: that looks like a photo of our oven?

ed, still staring: yeah that’s cause it’s a photo of our oven

stede: oh, okay!

stede: …why?

ed: just. trying to remember if i turned it off

stede: …well—

ed: before we left

stede: —it does look like it’s off. in the picture

ed: yeah i can never remember whether i turned it off so i started taking pics before we go out

stede: and that’s what that is?

ed: that’s what that is, yeah

stede: well there you go!

ed: mmnmnm. yeah but.

stede: you did turn it off!

ed: what if it’s an old picture.

stede: oh. well—is there a time…stamp…?

ed: yeah i mean—okay, yeah, there it is, look. 11:23 today

stede: well that is right before we left

ed: yeah i took it right before we left

stede:

ed: shut up.

stede: i didn’t say anything!

ed: you were thinking it.

stede: i’m just—i don’t really get what you’re worried about, could you—

ed: i’m not—fuck off i’m not even fuckin’ worried, man, i just can’t—

stede: just help me understand. alright? because from where i’m standing it seems, to me, like everything’s fine.

ed: im litera—i just can’t remember whether i turned the oven off or not. that’s it.

stede, delicately: well…based on the photo of the oven, here, that you took right before we left, it looks like you…apparently did, in fact, turn the oven off

ed: yeah. but.

ed: i don’t remem—

ed: what if, y’know, what if i…turned it off and then took the photo and turned it back on and then we left?

stede: what? why???

ed: i don’t fucking know!!! i don’t remember turning it off, maybe i don’t remember turning it back on again!!!

stede: i mean, why would you turn it back on and then leave?? that’s not like you! you’ve never—

ed: still possible, though. like—

stede: —absolutely no reason! you’re fine, sweetheart, i’m positive—

ed: maybe my brain shut down for a second? you’ve seen my brain shut down

stede: oh, come on!

ed: like, sometimes i just do shit for no reason—

stede: your brain doesn’t shut down, it just—it’s got intricacies—

ed: —we’re gonna come home to a giant fucking heap of charcoal for a house because you’ve got a boyfriend who’s too stupid to use an oven.

stede: you are not too stupid to use an oven!!!

ed: do you wanna—maybe we should go back, just, like, to check—

stede: ed!! we go out all the time, we’ve gone out three times this week and every single time we come back it’s to a healthy, normal house! i trust you!

ed: yeah, big mistake. that’s how they get you. let your guard down, five minutes later, boom. kitchen’s gone.

stede: who’s “they”

ed: uh, stupid fucking boyfriends who don’t know how to use a fucking oven? who else

stede: well i haven’t got one of those. i’ve got an extremely smart, capable boyfriend who uses the oven all the time with absolutely no problem

ed: you don’t think this kinda counts as A Problem?

stede:

stede: okay look,