#stealth trans men and open trans men are the same at the end of the day

[bulnosaurr]

saw somebody say they “preferred to identify as a man rather than a trans man” and i just really want to understand what HE means by that

[sabbathbloodysabbeth]

Ok so random thought, but what if Steve was trans (ftm) and no one realizes it. Not even Robin. Just hear me out on this.

The first question out of this I know I’ll get is “Why wouldn’t Steve come out to Robin as well? Why doesn’t Robin know?” Well in my head cannon I believe Steve is aware that he’s trans but just simply forgets. He’s just a guy being a dude in a very judgemental world. That and he’s under stealth mode, he doesn’t want to be treated differently. He’s proud to be trans but in his mind he’s like any other guy, he doesn’t stand out. He’s transitioned socially that he doesn’t even think to much about it unless he’s in the men’s bathroom.

(Also for this au that is being built from scratch this is going to be modern, because I don’t want to accidentally put my experiences as a trans man on a transguy in the 80’s. I’m fully aware that they are different which is why I’m turning this into a modern au.)

There’s loopholes in this idea but I don’t care. Just Steve Harrington who is still getting used to being treated like a man socially. He doesn’t understand the hand shake thing with Lucas or the other jocks and he’s still a bit nervous about all of it. Like he’s finally fitting what he feels and he loves it but hates it at the same time. Because now he has to learn how to be a proper “gentleman” in public, which is a lot easier then hoe he was taught to be a lady. Now both of his parents are not conservative. Shockingly. So they are more open to things then most. Though secretly his father has always wanted a son to pass the business down to and this is the perfect opportunity. His mother isn’t to happy but she finally gets on board. Once he’s sixteen he starts hormones and switches schools, where he becomes king steve. Where he falls into a toxic masculine group of Tommy’s so he can “fit” in.

But then things start to go down hill with the upside down. And everything goes by normal. He meets Robin and they are two pees in the pod. Just missing one, that they are not really searching for but are?

The whole trans thing comes up when they are all in the boat and Steve’s a bit panicked because this means he has to take his shirt off in front of them. This can go to so different ways.

A) He hasn’t had top surgery yet and is currently wearing his binder. Which is skin toned but doesn’t match. He’s beat red as he catches the curious eyes of all of them on the boat. None of them knowing what a binder is. Robin of course asks what that is, and avoiding the question he jumps in and goes under. (You aren’t supposed to swim with your binder on) and he regrets all of his life decisions before coming back up and then being pulled back down. Everyone of course follows along, and after all of it Steve is in a lot of pain. Between the bite and his ribs he has no choice but to pull his binder off. Everything is explained and he’s really embarrassed as he finally gets the damn thing off while holding his chest. Trying to hide his boobs, in which Eddie ends up coming over with the vest. Wrapping it around Steve carefully with the most awkward back pat ever. Like it’s not brought up, but Steve does end up wearing one of Eddie’s old baggy shirts from what’s “83” but really a different year because it’s modern. And his vest as well to help cover his chest and it’s the most gender euphoria ever. (Also he still has a hairy chest, so before he gets the shirt and the vest is covering most of his moobs Eddie nearly dies seeing his chest hair)

Or it goes B) where he’s had top surgery but it’s been a bit more recent. He’s still recovering and he has to awkwardly check his wrap his on properly before diving in. Like he shouldn’t be swimming either and he has to awkwardly explain what top surgery is to them. And robin who can’t help the jokes

“I thought you liked boobs!”

But just Steve being fully accepted. And after everything Eddie just sneaks some more baggy masculine clothes that Steve has been wanting to wear but weren’t preppy enough for his parents.

Like there is so much with this idea

(This all started because I pictured Steve with top surgery scars with Eddie’s vest, but also pre op steve with his vest is also equally as gender. Though do not feminize his chest or else I’ll bite you.)

[deerboybreeder]

Imagine a college roommate that you vibe with implicitly, someone who gets you on a level that no one else seems to. It's pure luck of the draw that you ended up rooming with someone studying something so similar to you that also thinks the same way as you, and who doesn't judge you for your strangeness. In fact, he matches your eccentricities in his own way.

You don't expect to fall for this guy, spending long nights studying together, ignoring party invites together in exchange for nerdier pursuits like a D&D campaign. Eventually he opens up to you that he's recently discovered that he's gay, and he's scared how his conservative country family back home is going to take the news if he ever comes out. And despite you being stealth in every area of your life, you tell him that you're trans, and that your parents did NOT take it well, but you made it here despite all that. And you tell him that even if his family doesn't handle it well, you'll always have his back.

He asks you, quietly, how long you've known, and you answer since you were very little. You ask the question in return, and he goes a little red in the face, stumbling a little over his words. He answers that it was probably the day you first met, being the first person since he left home to take him seriously and the only person ever to really get his little quirks. Your own heart skips a beat, and you look like a deer in headlights. Your roommate tries to backpedal, but you stop him with a kiss. Cliche, but effective.

He wraps his arms around you with a gentleness you've not experienced before, and you melt into him with a sigh. You already knew you were into men, it just was a hard sell to find one that saw you as one too. That night, you spend the time exploring each other's bodies, making each other see stars. He cums deep inside you a small handful of times, the two of you lost in the euphoria of knowing each other and being known in return.

The two of you start dating, secretly to keep from outing your roommate, but you don't mind. You're stealth, you understand the need for privacy. You are a more private person anyway. The sex is amazing, and he genuinely sees you as the man you are, even as he fills your cunt every night.

You don't notice right away, your clothes getting tighter. And when you do, you think it's just the freshman 15. You've been on testosterone long enough that there's no period to miss, and the thought you might be pregnant doesn't cross your mind until you start throwing up in the morning, much to your now boyfriends concern.

When it comes back positive you're nearly hysterical, asking how you could be so stupid and careless, how your life was ruined now, and all sorts. Your boyfriend just holds you close, listens to you cry, and when you tire yourself out, makes an offer.

If you wanted, he could marry you. Take responsibility, and if you could pretend just for the wedding day he wouldn't have to come out to his family about it, either. He wasn't hugely rich, but he did know that he had a house that would be his if he was the first in his generation to get married, so he could offer you the stability you needed on top of it all. And obviously, he'd help you raise the baby- you could be a real family together. Once the house was in his name, you could come out together, and even if his family cut them off then, they couldn't take the house. You'd have it all!

It was a hard choice, that took a few days to think on, but the growing pressure in your abdomen urged you along. You agreed. And it's not like you hadn't already been daydreaming of a life together with this strange and brilliant man- it was just more thoughts of co-writing groundbreaking research together more than co-parenting a child you didn't expect.

You were lucky- the timing of everything lined up so that you could finish your year barely showing and able to hide it, just thanks to lucky genetics keeping you from showing much in the first two trimesters. Once summer break hit, you were married within the month, and by then you were obviously pregnant. It was a shotgun wedding, everyone assumed, and in a way it was, but you didn't mind. Even if the dress made you miserable and so did the well-meaning and only slightly condescending "you're lucky he's making an honest woman out of you" comments. Your now husband tended to you the whole night, deflecting questions about your deep voice and broad shoulders as you got married under a name you hadn't used in years, but after you kissed the man you now married, he whispered in your ear that he loved you, and called you by your real name.

The baby came with just enough time before the start of your second year that you could recover fairly well, and you knew you wanted to keep going with your education. Your husband, the sweetest man you knew, said to go for it- his family could watch the baby in the daytime so he could work, and support all three of you. He said he would take night classes at a reduced credit plan- you'd graduate a year before him now, but he could make it work. You offered to drop out, but he insisted you keep going.

You do. It's difficult, but you make it work. With the stability of having a home, you're able to take more risks, focus hard on your academics, and when you get your bachelor's, end up going with a scholarship for your masters, then a PHD on an accelerated track. He goes slower, but your husband gets his own masters while you're working on your thesis, and your daughter is learning how to read.

During this time, when your little girl is spending her mornings in school and doesn't need a babysitter in the daytime, you come out together. It goes... Poorly. As expected, his family rejects the both of you, and your daughter along with you. They want the house back, but there's nothing they can do.

By pure luck, once you've both finished your education at long last, you both score high paying jobs in your shared field, across the country out where no one knows the two of you. You both jump at the chance, of course, offering to sell the house back to the unsupportive family and disappear from their lives forever. They take the offer, and you, your husband, and your daughter all move out to this tiny little town for this incredible job opportunity, and you build a life there.

For once, in out of all of the realities that you believe exist out there, you get a happy ever after.

[doberbutts]

I think it's also wild the way people assume the stealth experience is roses and butterflies. I went stealth+DL about being gay for about 2 years at work in order to be able to work in a trade where people generally skew extremely homophobic/transphobic/misogynistic. I had been on T long enough to pass reliably so I thought, ok, cool, this is where my life as a Normal Guy kicks in, this is where I get to flex the old Male Privilege and work in an industry culture that is toxic to everyone but cishet men.

and I mean yeah, materially? I did okay in my profession, I was good at what I did. People were pretty chill to me because my only major flaw to them was being the New Kid, a problem that eased with time. I did have a female coworker who I learned dealt with some hazing that I didn't. I will say, in that particular situation, I had some privilege over her since my sexist coworkers never said anything to me the way they said shit to her.

but here's the thing - I still heard all of it. The gross misogynistic things they were saying were not meant to be about me, but they sure as hell were anyway.

but oh, boo hoo, I had to hear remarks, but you know, I didn't face any actual barriers or opposition right? yeah, okay, I guess not, and I'm not saying it would have been better to be out in this scenario, or to be a woman, but there's a reason I ended up leaving that field. walking into work and feeling like - no, knowing - you have to lie to all your coworkers and your boss every single day or else they'll hate you and treat you like shit is not a great feeling. you never have a truly good day when that is always at the back of your mind no matter what. you never develop genuine friendships or connections at work if they're all built on lies.

I ended up getting so burned out. it was a good job, a union job, and I was making a good income. I had a path upwards to make *great* income if I had stuck with it long-term. but I ended up leaving it for a non-union job at a younger company, with a more "hip" HR culture that seemed like maybe I would be in a better place emotionally. I took a pay cut to do that too. but a lot of my new coworkers had the same attitudes as my old ones - the first week I was there, one of the other employees went around the shop asking each person, "if Kylie Jenner was trans, as in, used to be a man, would you still fuck her?" and most people, including the fucking foreman, said "fuck no." I ended up saying something like "it makes no difference to me, sure, fine, she's not my type anyway" (having to not reveal I was trans and also not reveal that I prefer men), and right in that moment I realized this wouldn't be a place I could be open either, and it would feel the same as the old place.

so the burnout for that job came much quicker. I quit after only a couple of months. I did actually end up telling the HR manager why, given that this company actually had one, but she was the only person at the job who ever knew I was trans (since she saw it on my background check anyway).

so yeah like, being stealth at work? it's not a privilege. it's a defense mechanism, and it feels like shit. you feel every transphobic and misogynistic barb even if it's not meant for you. one could argue that I would have never even been able to get those jobs if I were out, and yeah, maybe, that's possible, but I had female coworkers at both places. And yeah, one could also argue that, in terms of pay, I was likely doing better than my female coworkers. And you might be right about that if I hadn't gotten burnt out and quit before having a chance to build up any kind of seniority. But instead I took pay cut after pay cut until I finally decided to put my life in full reverse and go back to college - where I had struggled severely due to mental illness, and still do - since trades were clearly not the place for me.

I'm just really sick of people who have never actually lived what it's like to have that "male privilege" of being a stealth trans man deciding it's just the great, most ideal way you can exist as a trans person. I'm sure there are some stealth trans men who were able to adapt to that environment that I wasn't. but at what fucking cost?

I have a friend who worked a military job training the bomb dogs. He is 100% stealth to the point where even people who know, who have seen him naked and even had sex with him, often forget that he's transgender and why he has that barrier of access to some things if he wants to remain stealth.

The type of shit that people would just. Say to him. And he was always having to balance saying something or keeping quiet so as not to draw too much attention to his status as transgender. He was provided room and board by his job and thus lived with 5-6 similarly aged cis men in the same house and the amount of dodging them and biting his tongue he had to do to just to survive... And the job wouldn't be chill if they found out, the talk he'd heard made it very clear that he was at all times operating with a noose around his neck ready to tighten at the very first infraction.

Anyway that's what passing privilege is. Is your life somewhat better because you pass well enough that no one questions you? I mean I guess technically. But what happens in the mean time to your mental health? Having to hide large aspects of yourself and constantly worrying and looking over your shoulder to make sure no one is looking too hard at your hips or your hands or your chest. My friend is post-op. He's "done", so to speak, outside of taking testosterone. And yet this was still something he had to keep in mind.

He ended up leaving that job due to some Stupid Workplace Bullshit unrelated to his gender status but he told me that honestly it was also a huge sigh of relief. The money he got was great but it was corroding his soul to stay. He ended up taking a pay cut and working elsewhere that he is still stealth but no longer feels like he's got an axe to his neck in every interaction.

[omegawizardposting]

A long time ago, I had this thought in my head: the cisphobia of the mid-2010s was damaging to trans people. I think quite a few people nowadays would agree, but back then, it was a contentious view to hold, and I expressed it poorly.

I believe my exact words were, "When you think about it, cisphobia is a form of transphobia," or something along those lines. I attempted to follow this insane opener up with a coherent explanation, but even if I had succeeded, it didn't matter. The opener was such a "frigid" and "crazy" take that it was destined to be screenshotted and shared around without context.

What I was trying to get at then was that many trans people aspire to pass as cisgender (go stealth) or wish they were cis due to dysphoria, and cisphobia ended up harming us more than it ever could have possibly helped. I remember feeling like a freak during that period of tumblr history specifically because I often wished that I'd been born cis or that I could transition to become indistinguishable from cis men.

(I'm seeing a lot of that same sentiment returning, except they aren't calling it "cisphobia" now. Now it's "assimilationism" and "bootlicking", two words I think we need to put on a high shelf until people learn what they actually mean.)

I try not to reblog screenshots that have obviously been cropped, not even if I find them funny. That incident was an eye-opener for me. I was a trans person grappling with a lot of complicated emotions, and rather than trying to understand my perspective, other trans folk chose to mock and belittle it.

Unfortunately, I still see trans folk choosing lateral aggression and bullying over unity and compassion every single day. It breaks my heart that even in our darkest hour, when the rights we fought, bled, and died for are being stripped from us, we would rather harass other trans people over the Internet than band together.

[our-transmasculine-experience]

Tbh I wish I could experience trans joy because at one point I was very happy to transition but with so many queer spaces being transmasc exclusionary radical feminists (TMERFs) I refuse to even so much as Id as lgbt anymore. A tremendous amnt of trans men online straight up won’t tell people they are trans, would rather say they are cis, or detransition to avoid harassment by their own communities of trans people they were supposed to feel safe with and it feels bleak. I know I won’t have a good life personally because of it and may end up in the trans percentage that is dead but ngl that sounds better and a happier ending than being around a “community” that despises me

you absolutely can have a good life as a trans man, open or stealth. you just can’t expect to have the same life as a cis man, or the same as anyone else for that matter. please don’t end up in the percentage of trans people who committed suicide, there are people who want you here and one of them is me.

i wish you the best

[lttleghost]

you're so right in that reblog for real ,i cannot stand how people are so open to trans headcanons until it's a transfem one :/ i'm not transfem myself, but i did have a really rough time coming to terms with my own womanhood! so taking characters i've liked my whole life and interpreting them as transfem is really nice! plus it helped me learn a lot about trans people besides my own specific type and experiences. but people can be so rude and dismissive about it just because... i dunno, harder to relate or something? it's so annoying!

IT'S INSANE TO ME!!! like it's crazy enough that people will hate a female character that shares the same traits as their male fav but for some reason I was just…. not expecting it to happen when… transing the gender of the SAME EXACT CHARACTER

another thing is you'll even see people call their favs "babygirl" and feminine terms or even sometimes "woman-coded" but nooooo they can't be transfem I guess? they're only "babygirl" as long as you can still say they're men!

I'm not transfem either and I've only got a bit of a connection to womanhood but I also really like connecting to trans people who have different experiences from me (also in direct opposition to the ideas that some idiots have about trans women "enforcing gender stereotypes" or whatever, more of the transfem community was (and still is) welcoming of my being no-med no-op, resembling my agab, and using weird pronouns than other transmascs were at the time when I first was discovering myself)

but also while there's some things I really don't care about textually supported headcanons, there's well written media where transfem headcanons just… make more sense thematically and even just in not interfering with the existing text like- I dunno how ppl expect me to interpret Hunter as transmasc when her whole thing is finding an identity outside of the MAN that she is a clone of, and then with my icon and wife Jesse Pinkman because I cannot stop myself from ranting abt her, I understand that there's a lot of things that can be interpreted as her being stealth transmasc… if you can suspend your disbelief enough that this person that has buried the person she really is from people, including herself, under this harmful façade that he's had to adopt to survive has still somehow figured out enough about himself to have already transitioned to the point of passing as cis in an environment where there's multiple individuals that would be incredibly transphobic and have known him long enough that they would know he's trans, like in a show that has a ton of themes about change and revealing true self….. why are you bending over backwards to say this character has already transitioned or has even realized she's trans? and that's not the end of transmasc Jesse being a weaker reading of her character either

like….. I don't understand the need for people to have their favs be EXACTLY exactly like them, like I understand projection and all of that and I think that's good but I think it'd be good for people to learn how to find common ground in identities that aren't the same as theirs, or even think about the differences someone might experience in an identity that is "mirror" to theirs like a very fem transmasc person like myself isn't gonna have the same experience as a very masc transfem person, and it's important to realize that or you're gonna make a lot of bullshit assumptions, but like if you can't relate to the fact that you're still both outside of what is expected of your gender and being trans then like.... that's pretty messed up

this is a pretty disjointed rant and not at all comprehensive but like..... yeah

[here4theheartbreak]

I SAW THE NEW BABY CLOUD!!!! ☁️

Woosanhwa eating the peppers for the kids was so funny! Wooyoung looked so close to tapping out. Ahhhhh.

It was so cute when the twins didn't want it to be over, they just wanted their uncles! And Jaeyul also wanting to stay with Hwa? Plus, the way he wanted to sit with him to eat and pulled out his chair?? SO SOFT. TOO SOFT. I AM DEAD.

Octo-parenting~ 😂 A child per dorm would be a great thing to watch!! Imagine Yunho and Yeosang with a little kid by themselves. Cuteeee~!

Ah, I also don't want it to be over! EVER!! @ KQ make it Wanteez!!!

Imagining Wooyoung waiting at Hongjoong's door, just to speak to him without honorifics at the stroke of midnight, is entertaining me no end. Hongjoong would be furious but, as we know, Wooyoung likes to be shouted at and mistreated so, even as he runs for his life, he'd be loving it. 😂

Hongjoong definitely won't care about Hwa being his hyung for real, he's such a reliable and important person in his life. But they're already teasing each other about it and I love it! His '아이고 형님~~~~ 형.님 형!님!^^' on bstage was so adorable. Ahhh I love them so much! They're perfect. My hopeless men who can't make friends easily. 🥺

Yesssss. K-drama prime suspect Yunho?? AMAZING. I WANT IT NOWWWWW. He could play such a potential terrifying, confusing, compelling character. He has the depth and expressions down for sure!

Let me try and drag other Ateez shows out of my head... Stressor Things. Pirate Reboot. Curse of the Money Hole. Parasite Double Up. The Vikings. That's all I can think of but I feel like I'm missing something obvious. 🤷‍♀️😂 They're all from universe. I have a link somewhere. I'll message it separately when I find it!

Did you see that fancall of San talking to a trans fan today? He's so sweet and patient. Our Choi San is a comforting hill, just like his dad wanted him to be~! ⛰️

Also, San lingering in the back of Seonghwa's live in a sheet mask. HAUNTING. 😂

!!!!!!!!!! Did you see SanHwa doing the Hard and Bouncy challenges with Minho? The way I lost my absolute shit. I never ever expected my two favorite groups from 2 gens apart to even share the same camera space, let alone do any sort of dance together, especially my top two biases 🥲 - I was not okay yesterday and my friends took every chance to remind me that it really happened - I was probably more excited about it than the damn members 🤣

Also YES - cast Yunho as prime suspect who makes everyone else uncomfortable and everyone thinks did it because he has all the motive and capability, but not the actual killer; that should be Yeosang, who everyone brushed off as sweet and in the wrong place at the wrong time, incapable of a murder so brutal. Wooyoung should be the comic relief rookie investigator that accidentally destroys/misplaces some piece of evidence that is vital to realizing it's Yeo 😂

Also yes I looked up the fancall after you mentioned it! (I completely forgot to respond until today bc my brain is made of swiss cheese, but still). I cried - holy shit, San was so gentle and knew exactly what to say. He didn't seem confused or weirded out or anything, just totally open and supportive and loving, and wanted to make the fan feel welcome and supported in the fandom and I just 🥲

Serious time here for a moment lol

This particular fan call really did mean something. Speaking personally and seriously for a moment, as a transmasc kpop fan, I do often feel alienated in the fandom. Not only because I worry about fans being uncomfortable (I won't go stealth for that reason, online, because I feel like that distinction between cis and trans is vital when historically cismen have been awful in fandom spaces like this) - but also because in my experience kpop boy groups themselves just kind of expect their fans to all be girls/women. (Younger girls/women but that's a different topic).

Not only are most songs gender coded for that (which most of Ateez don't seem to be, and let me tell you that is a huge relief), but there are times that the confusion or surprise when a member meets a male fan is visible and that just :/ is super upsetting in a way, because I worry they're weirded or grossed out, etc - esp given the historical cultural discrimination against the queer community - it's just hard to really know.

People can talk about supportive idols across the board until they're blue in the face - it's really easy to support in theory, donate to charities, say equal rights, etc - when you're not face with it.

So something like this - a one-on-one conversation that with someone openly of that community, that as far as San knew wouldn't be published on a public platform, etc - having him not even hesitate to be comforting and supportive - that really touched me. And to have him try so hard to get his support and love across in a language that wasn't his own, it just... Really really solidified how deeply, inherently good he is. (And made me 100% sure this was the group that will be my ult for the foreseeable future).

okay enough serious sappy crud

That live was absolutely horrifying, thank you. Seonghwa really needs to invest in a lock for his door when he does lives 🤣 or a spray bottle - just start spraying him like a misbehaving kitten when he creeps into lives like this 🤣🤣🤣

Also, I am so sad promotions are officially over 😭 - It's been a very very long time since I have followed a group's promotions all the way through to the end without getting absolutely sick of the same song performance 😭 - I usually give up after about week 1, but I had zero problem this time around and wish they had another week 🥲

Also thank you so much for that link!!! You are a life saver, I have a whole little mountain more of fun stuff to watch for a few weeks now! Thank you!!! My friend let me borrow her copy of the Break the Wall concert in Seoul that I need to watch too, so I'm simply delighted with the content I've got for a while now lol

[runthepockets]

Me and my two cis younger brothers are all very similar. Same personalities, same interests, same dry & witty sense of humor, same mild and laid back dispositon, all three of us thrive in leadership positions and get a little autistic with it sometimes, and all three of us have a tendency to be insensitive and blurt out whatever we feel whenever we feel it. We were also all abused by our mom and we all have had hangups about our bodies (our family runs pretty hefty), anxieties around girls, anxieties around our peers seeing us as less masculine than we are, and we all have varying levels of emotional regulation issues for a myriad of reasons. There are differences between us too, of course, but you know. We share a gene pool.

I really hate the idea that anyone would look at us and try to sort us into parties of "whom is deserving more love and affection and social support." Like that idea is really fucked up to me. I would kinda be nothing without my little brothers, the idea of anyone thinking it's ok to be more dissmissive and rude and ignorant of their feelings and needs even though we're all boys just because I happened to not be born with a penis is so goddamn weird and mean, especially with me very willfully and eagerly being stealth and wanting SRS anyway. The idea that anyone could look at my little brothers and assume they've never been in the trenches for reasons that disproportionately effect men and boys is so goddamn weird and mean to me. The idea that anyone looks at me and all the shit I say and believes, on some level, "I'm here for this guy cus he's trans so that makes him more important", is so fucked up to me. The idea that someone else's input is less important than anyone else's is so goddamn weird and mean. In what world is anyone worthy of dictating anyone else's worth in the realm of leftist liberation? Base level compassion towards men and boys shouldn't be a finite resource, none of us should have to walk on eggshells like that. The idea that some of the most important and influential people in my life aren't worthy of support or careful social analysis that could potentially save their lives cus they're cis or white and male or whatever is just....idk. Makes me kinda sick, man. How do you think it makes me feel as a trans dude to know that I gotta lay my whole life's story out before people take me and my experiences seriously? We never talk about women like this, no feminist in their right mind tries to extend a hand to gay and black and trans women without also being concientous and open to straight and white and cis women's specific struggles, cus at the end of the day they're all united on some level by similar opposition (patriarchy), why the hell we do it with dudes? Just stupid obnoxious awful shit, man. Really immature. Some people are not nearly as serious about gender liberation as they claim to be.

I'm so confused by people who think they can exclusively help trans men but not men as a whole. Like the people that make "don't be mean to bald sweaty dudes because what if they're trans and gay" or "don't make fun of things that are advertised to men cus trans men might like those things!" type posts and stuff. Like really? You think it's only bad to be pointlessly mean because you might come off as transphobic? Dude I think we should just be kind to each other. Even the most cissexual heterosexual anglo saxon blonde haired blue eyed motherfucker is insecure and struggling with some shit directly correlated with his gender. Idg how it's "none of us are free till we all are" until it comes to dudes, imagine if people were on here all the time like "don't be dicks to women with boyfriends cus what if they're closeted lesbians" like bro I think you should just not give women shit for inconsequential things they can't control in general.

[cenvyy]

lgbtq+ headcanons for yhs/ts characters, specifically my faves

(also disclaimer but in my mind of this, most of the yhs/ts world is accepting as hell of trans/enby folk)

taurtis:

demiboy and bi (they/he pronouns)

he’s amab so he doesn’t really have to worry about transitioning, which is also why he fuckin froke out about sam/samantha wanting to cut his d!ck off. he does NOT wish to transition at all, but does kinda like dressing feminine.

sam/samanatha (not a favorite character but i figured i should explain this since he was in the taurtis hc):

transfem genderfluid and omni (any pronouns except for it/its)

she acts homophobic as fuck sometimes, but that’s cuz she’s in the closet. she also wanted to try out being a girl (hence the cross dressing arc) and that’s how she found out she did genuinely like being called a girl sometimes. sometimes they hated it and then questioned what the fuck they were for a while, eventually settling on genderfluid.

dom:

trans ftm and gay + t4t (he/it)

alright so he’s not really out about being trans to anyone except his dad, who’s chill w it. but as soon as dom came out as gay, mr dorito kicked him out of the house. he was 100% fine with his son being trans but not gay. he also ended up having a crush on samantha but didn’t know she was genderfluid, once he found out he still knew he was gay. his crush on sam also faded away, but he still found her really pretty.

gareth:

bigender and polyromantic/sexual, attracted to non-men only (she/he/it)

gareth was open about being both, especially with his gender. she also was very aware of grian being trans ftm and tried to support him as much as she could before she died, even going as far as starting him on testosterone with his consent of course. jane was also aware of her wife and son being lgbtq+ and was VERY accepting of it (jane’s the only cis one out of the four).

grian:

trans ftm, genderfaun, and gay (he/they/xe/wing)

grian was adopted into the nightman family a year after he moved into japan, hence how he’s related to them. he’s a stealth trans man but his family is very aware of it, which is why gareth and jane helped him start t when he was in his teens. when he goes swimming he refuses to actually do so, claiming his wings will get fucked if he tries to. he hasn’t had the surgery yet since he’s still a minor but his parents plan on helping with it once he turns old enough to have it. (i am aware the gay thing is canon)

sookie:

genderdoe, lesbian, and asexual (they/she)

sookie is open about her sexuality and gender identity as well and tends to hold parties during pride month (and october since that’s seen as one too). her parents aren’t too accepting of them being a lesbian and ace but they don’t say shit about it, especially since they moved out to live with yuki and soul. (same as grian, i’m aware they’re a lesbian canonically)

bonus!!!

pepe frogman:

boyflux and pan (he/they)

he was the last to come out of the nightman family, he was also adopted by them much like his brother. pepe doesn’t really care who knows about his gender and sexuality, but he does take pride in his identity, one of the few things about himself that he does.

[dasha-aibo]

So I'm going to do something else I haven't done in a while and talk about trans issues from a non-personal perspective.

I've been watching a YouTube video and the creator raised up this whole "what's the definition of a woman" thing and as I was trying to come up with a non-circular definition that would include trans women, something a lot of people claim is impossible, I've hit a realization.

The whole question and the discussion itself is completely irrelevant, but it's a great example of how mainstreamization of the trans issue has completely poisoned the dialogue and how both sides are equally as guilty of perpetuating this war at the cost of regular-ass cis and trans people.

In late 00s early 10s, when I was just stumbling into realizing I'm trans and all the cringy shit that surrounds the coming-out journey, the discourse was vastly different. Trans people online were mostly adults or, at best, college-age kids and they were mostly anonymous, because the predominant narrative of the time viewed LGBT as a whole as something shameful, but being trans specifically so. We were deemed as freaks, as sexual deviants, men when dressed in panties and masturbated to the idea of themselves raping women.

This, naturally, created an atmosphere of both shame and ensured that a lot of the more open trans people WERE disgusting out-there perverts. Trans wasn't an identity, it was a porn category and that is simply something we had to live with.

But also, at the same time, there was a lot of... Sobriety of thought in those shady discreet online places. The terms MtF and FtM were still in popular use and the whole "trans women are women" thing wasn't yet a popular slogan. People were much more open with saying "yes, I'm a man, but I have a strong desire to be a woman and I want you to refer to me like that".

There's also a reason so many trans people were into the occult, alternative religions or associated with the furry community. The entire belief of reincarnation or being born in the wrong body and the desire to be accepted for who you are inside rather than outside was a very strong thing.

Then shit happened and suddenly the trans identity became mainstream. Older people were dragged kicking and screaming out of stealth and younger people wore their identity loud and proud now that it turned from a secret shame into a publically-accepted thing.

And that angered a lot of people who were content with ignoring us when we kept to ourselves and didn't upset their preconceptions.

And then the younger folk who never knew the secret shame fought these people online and it all devolved into a huge mess.

We used to have genuine discussions that the whole trans thing kind of DID fall out of the gender binary by itself. That maybe we do need a word for a lesbian who would go for a cis woman and a trans man and a lesbian who would go for a cis woman and a trans woman. Or both. Or neither. Because all four of these kinds of people existed and it was a complicated situation and there was dialogue and discussion.

But then "trans women are women and trans men are men" became our rallying cry and while I completely understand the sentiment, it also made a lot of things a lot more complicated and it started all these completely needless semantics wars.

"Trans" is there for a reason.

And in the end, I think, if the two sides actually sat down and talked like adults, we would make a lot more progress as a civilization, you know.

[regrettablemeasure]

Cyberpunk 2077 non-spoiler review

Anyways here’s my writeup about my least favorite parts of 2077 for people who are interested in seeing if it’s for them. Both going to talk about content as well as gameplay. This is for PC version, too, because I know last gen consoles are suffering terribly rn and I wouldn’t recommend the game if you’re not going to be playing on PC. At least not until it’s on sale or the issues have been resolved. It really, really shouldn’t have been released on last gen consoles at all in my opinion - or at least should’ve been released on consoles LATER.

If you like Saints Row, GTA, Mass Effect, Shadowrun, or the Cyberpunk genre in general - I definitely think this is something you might want to take a peek at! I wasn’t anticipating the game until about a month or two before release - so maybe that’s why I’m having a blast - but It’s one of my favorite stories from the past decade as far as sci-fi goes. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and It’s really impressed me. I can’t even go into detail about all the things I LOVE because I really want folks to experience it themselves. Just know there’s a very intricately detailed world, all the characters are memorable and insanely well realized and complex, and the story is great fun. Also made me cry like 5 times. It’s become one of my FAVORITE games very quickly.

I’d also recommend Neon Arcade if you want someone who’s been covering the game for quite a while, including the technical and game industry aspect. He does well to go into some detail and even though he’s a fan, I’ve found him to be largely unbiased. I’m not going to go into industry politics here because I feel that’s up for everyone to decide on their own terms.

No spoilers, things to keep in mind, content warnings, etc. below!

CONTENT WARNINGS and issues with plot/story

this setting is dark. very dark. if you struggle stomaching things like dystopian landscapes, body horror, physical, mental and sexual abuse, corporate and gang violence, abuse of children, harsh language, and concepts that mess with the perception of reality - this game might not be for you. It’s a very mature setting, and I don’t mean that in the Adult Swim kind of way. I mean it in the ‘oh shit, it went there’ way. In my opinion I haven’t run across anything in it that was handled distastefully when it dipped into the depressing, but dark and gritty isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and I wanted to give a disclaimer.

The game’s universe in advertising and working for the lower class also exploits sex/sex work quite a bit. This is part of the lore itself because in this universe everyone’s become desensitized to sex and violence to the point that marketing embraces it and makes it ridiculous. I feel it’s very obvious that it doesn’t condone this message and is instead a commentary on consumerism - but people still might be uncomfortable seeing a lot of suggestive stuff all over the place regardless. 

Women in game are naked more often than men - even though there is nudity for both. This is likely a mix of appealing to the Gamer Boy demographic (even though the story does NOT actually), or the fact that media is way more cool with seeing naked women than seeing full frontal nudity on men. They probably had to tone some of it down to avoid going above an M rating. 

The story is amazing, but sometimes it dumps a lot onto you at once. It’s one of those sci-fi stories that you have to really be following the names, faces, and concepts continually to get it all down. There’s a lot of betrayal, background players, etc. I think by the mid-way point I’d mostly had it, but It’s pretty dense. However it’s still amazing. You might just need two playthroughs before every tiny detail clicks - because there’s a LOT of details. 

Honestly I think it would help to read up on the lore first so you’re not going ‘what’ constantly. But people have seemed to manage fine without that also! Neon Arcade has a really nice series of videos (like 2 or 3) that get you up to speed with the universe. It also helps you decide if the tone is right for you. 

I think the main story should’ve been longer, also. I don’t mind a 20 hr story, especially in a massive RPG, but It feels like they really struggled to cram as much into that time frame as possible. It skirts the edge of being nice and concise, snappy, and tight - and needing just a few more moments to take a breath and wait a second. This is helped if you do a lot of side quests.

The straight male romance option, River, is INCREDIBLY well written but he doesn’t tie into the main plot in any way whatsoever. It’s very strange and feels like they either ran out of time with him, or slapped together a romance with him at the last second. All the other romances at least know what’s going on with V’s story - meanwhile River has no idea, and you can never tell him. He’s an amazing guy though and I highly recommend his questline. He appears in ACT 2.

In general I’d say not to bother with the romances. There are only 4 total, and while the romancible characters on their own are really well written, the romances themselves are just kinda meh. One romance you don’t even meet until act 3. I don’t think they should’ve been included in the game at all, because they definitely don’t feel as fleshed out as everything else. 

CDPR also sometimes forget that women players or gay men exist. Panam and Judy have a lot more content than River and Kerry for example. I don’t think this is intentional, they just have a large fanbase of dudebros. It only shows in the romance content and the nudity thing though.

Johnny, Takemura, and Claire should’ve been romances and I will fight to the death on that. 

There are gay and trans characters in the game and their stories don’t revolve around their sexualities. It’s very Fallout: New Vegas in it’s approach to characters: IE. you’re going to love them. All of them. 

V’s gender isn’t locked to their body type or their genitals- but to to their voice. I don’t think it’s the best solution they could’ve used but given how the game is heavily voice acted I assume that was what they had to work with. 

Some of the romances are locked to both cis voices AND body types (not genitals if I recall but body shapes). That’s disappointing but I assume it was because of scripted scene issues and/or ignorance on the dev’s part considering the LGBT NPCS are so AMAZINGLY done. There’s no homophobic or transphobic language in the game - though there are gendered curse words and insults if that bothers you. 

Some characters MAY suffer from ‘bilingual people don’t talk like that’ syndrome. But it can be hard to say for sure given that translators exist in this universe and the way they operate aren’t fully described. It’s only momentarily distracting, not enough to take away from how charming the NPCs are.

The endings are really good don’t get me wrong but I want fix it fic :(. All of the endings out of like 6 (?) in the game are bittersweet. 

Both gender V’s are very good but female V’s voice acting is out of this world. If you don’t know what voice to go with/are neutral I’d highly recommend female V. Male V is charming and good but he feels much more monotone compared to female V. 

V has their own personality. To some this won’t be a detractor - but a lot of people thought they’d be making absolutely everything from the ground up. V is more of a commander shepard or geralt than a skyrim or d&d pc, if that makes sense. You can customize and influence them to a HUGE degree, some aspects of V will always be the same.

Streetkid is the most boring background - at least for it’s introduction/prologue.

GAMEPLAY/TECHNICAL

If you can run your game on ultra, don’t. It actually looks best with a mix of high and medium settings. Unless you have a beast that has ray-tracing - then by all means use ray tracing and see how absolutely insanely good it looks.

There are color blind modes for the UI, but not for some of the AI/Netrunning segments in cutscenes. Idk how much this will effect folks with colorblindness but those segments are thankfully short. 

There was an issue with braindances being an epilepsy trigger because for some reason they decided to mirror the flashing pattern after real epilepsy tests - probably because it ‘looks cool’. I don’t have epilepsy but it even hurt my eyes and gave me a headache. Massive oversight and really goddamn weird. Thankfully this was fixed.

There is no driving AI. Like at all. If you leave your car in the street the traffic is just going to pile up behind it. It’s one of the very few immersion breaking things I’ve encountered.

Sometimes when an NPC is driving with you in the car, they’ll drive on the curb and/or run into people. It’s kind of funny but can occasionally result in something weird. Feels very GTA  - but nothing excruciating. 

The camera angle feels a little too low in first person mode when driving on cars. You get used to it though. 

The police in this game feel slapped on and I hope they improve it. Right now if you commit a crime, you can never tell what will actually trigger it. And if you just run away a few blocks the police forget about it. 

Bikes are just way more fun to ride than the cars are. 

You CANNOT respec your character after you make them. Ever. it sucks. Go in with an idea ahead of time what you wanna do - it’s better than being a jack of all trades.

as of now you also CANNOT change their appearance after you exit the character creator. This, also, sucks. Make sure you REALLY like your V or you’re gonna be replaying the openings over and over like I did. 

Photomode on PC is the N key. Had to look it up. The mode itself is great though

Shooting and Mele fighting feel pretty standard. I don’t have a lot of shooter experience besides Bethesda games so anything feels better than that to me. So far I’ve enjoyed stealth and mele the best, but that’s just my own taste! The combat and driving aren’t groundbreaking by any means, but they’re still very fun. I look forward to running at people with swords or mantis blades, and zipping around the city on a motorcycle to see the sights. The story, lore, and interesting quests and characters are the real draw here.

I haven’t encountered any game breaking bugs in 80-ish hours of play time. One or two T-poses, a few overlays not loading or floating objects - but nothing terrible. Again, my experience is with Bethesda games. This is all usually fixed by either opening your inventory and closing it again, or exiting out and reloading your save. 

The C button is mapped for crouching AND skipping dialogue by default. That’s terrible. Change it in the settings to be HOLDING C skips dialogue and you’ll be gucci.

There’s apparently a crafting system. I have never been inclined to touch it. But I also play on easy like a pleb so IDK how it all scales otherwise.

The mirror reflections can be a little bit weird, at least on my end. They always end up a teeny bit grainy despite my computer being able to run everything on Ultra Max. You can still get good screens out of it though!

So many people text me to sell me cars and I want them to stop. Please. also the texting menu is abysmal. The rest is ok tho

It’s pretty clear when you’re going to go into a ‘cutscene’. all cutscenes are rendered in-engine BUT you often will be talking to other characters at a specific angle or setting. The game locks you into this usually by having you sit down. It works for me - after all we do a lot of sitting- but it IS very obvious that it’s a way for the game to get you in the frame it wants to display.

That’s all I can think of rn! If you’re interested but wanted to get a slightly better idea of whats going on, I hope this helps. I’m really enjoying it and despite my issues it’s exceeding my expectations. I’m going to be thinking about and replaying this game for quite a while. 

[a-woman-apart]

I am Bisexual

I am a black, bisexual ciswoman dating a white, straight cisman, and the fact that he is male and straight are not the reason I am dating him, nor are they a reason NOT to. Pretending though, that his labels don’t factor into who he is as a person would be completely idiotic. 

At the end of the day, though, we are dating because we share similar values, we are compatible in multiple ways, we respect each other, and we love each other and are committed to making this work. It is true, that as a straight man, he wouldn’t be open to dating me if I were a man, but it is also true that if I were a man, certain aspects of my personality would change, due to a complex combination of nature and nurture that scientists still haven’t figured out.  

Also, there are people from both our “communities” (said very loosely) that aren’t down with “The Swirl” which is only something you get to celebrate if you are extremely privileged and quite a bit into eugenics. We each have racist people in our families, and we both get dirty looks on the street when we’re together for different reasons, but hatred is always at the core of the discrimination. 

Loving vs. Virginia was passed in 1967, and it is important to note that The Lovings wanted to be left alone and to live in peace, even though their marriage wasn’t recognized by law and it was a crime, even for white women, to give birth to interracial children. The Lovings only took their case to court when they faced racialized harassment. 

To me, it is absolutely terrible that in roughly 10 years, we went to celebrating “love is love” to now criticizing people for who they choose to date or how they identify. I can’t tell you how many times on this site I’ve seen bisexual women pressured to identify as pansexual to be “less discriminatory” or told in disgusting tones, “Why date men if you can choose to date women?” as if bisexual and/or lesbian were just things you can turn on and off like a light switch. 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the rise of radical feminism and AFAB-nonbinary/transmasculine culture has coincided with poorer mental health for women in our community and also with a HUGE uptick in misandry and biphobia. Even gay men aren’t above being “canceled” for so-called “transphobic” caricatures of women, even though men have been playing women in the theatre for centuries, and now, women can play men, too. #Progressive  

Honestly, one thing I will say that guys do better than us women (in general, there are always exceptions) is comedy. Yes, men, as a a general rule, are funnier than us. Men are more likely to make fun of themselves, us, and other people, with no mercy, and I honestly think the women/AMAB non-binary in our community-- either the black or the LGBTQ+ one, take your pick-- need to learn to take a fucking joke. It’s not that fucking serious, but the one thing that ISN’T funny is the hideous biphobia, racism, and backbiting I’ve witnessed online and offline this year. 

What makes it even more disgusting, is that while I am including AMABs in my roast, I have actually seen MULTIPLE stories of AMABs being excluded from AFAB offline gatherings (DOCUMENTED ON THIS HERE VERY SITE) in the name of “safety” because they are seen than nothing more than a man in a dress. 

So, here’s where I lose some subscribers...if a so-called “man in a dress” is unwelcome in your circles, do you REALLY think you have room to fucking talk when a huge portion of you you skirt the line between male and female because you can’t accept your own femininity? So really, are you really “non-binary” or are you just a scared little girls who can’t grow up?

Of course, that isn’t ALL of you, but when the country (as pointed out by J.K Rowling) sees a 4400% in female to male transition (a lot of it with very young girls becoming AFAB/non-binary, many of whom are taking testosterone) while male to female transition rates remain UNCHANGED, suddenly this isn’t a “trans” or a “non-binary” problem, this is a FEMALE problem. Trans people, prior to this huge upswing, made up less than 1% of the population, and that included MtF and FtM transition rates. These rates had remained steady FOR YEARS, so from a purely mathematical perspective this uptick is a huge statistic anomaly. 

For years people on the Right have decried the so-called “feminization of boys”, when in reality the “masculinization of girls” is statistically a far more pressing societal issue. 

I didn’t want to get this harsh, but this is concerning as a medical health issue, especially because research from the Scientific American reports that lots of young women who report having gender dysphoria end up not being dysphoric about their gender at all, but uncertain about their sexuality [click link]. If I had a quarter for every time a girl who never felt comfortable with her femininity or identified as asexual or aromantic turned out to “just be gay/bisexual” then I would be pretty fucking rich. 

I felt the same way. I felt like I was “Not Like Other Girls” and even though I never felt like a man, I often didn’t quite feel like a woman. It turns out that bisexuality, especially in women, corresponds with certain personality traits (aggression, assertiveness, high sex drive) that have been “coded male.” Gender bias in medicine is still responsible for why we don’t have more studies on lesbian and bisexual women, or on women IN GENERAL. As someone who is concerned about women’s rights and the safety of young girls and women, I think it is a HUGE DEAL that modern medicine still sometimes operates on the false assertion that women are just men without dicks and added baby-hosting parts. The effects of testosterone have been heavily studied, but there is SO much we don’t know about estrogen, including why different amounts of it don’t factor into PMDD, PMS, and other reproductive issues, as much as certain women’s brains and bodies responding to it DIFFERENTLY for reasons not fully understood. 

To make matters worse, while disparities in treatment based on race are less marked in other areas of medicine, black women still die in childbirth-- especially in the Southern U.S.-- at much higher rates than other demographics. Bisexual and lesbian women are also more likely than straight women to fear childbirth, which can be a huge source of anxiety for us. Even if we choose to undergo it, our anxiety is often downplayed by health care workers. This fear of childbirth can be seen even in bisexual and lesbian women who love children and strongly desire to be mothers. This, as well as the cost of surrogacy/IVF treatments, has been a reason that same-sex female couples often opt for adoption. 

Bisexual women, in particular, are also more likely to suffer mental health conditions and be the victims of male-perpetrated domestic violence than straight women and lesbians are. “Straight-passing” doesn’t really seem to provide a shield from that, I hate to tell you. 

The very concept of calling someone out for “passing” in an attempt to insult them actually reeks of jealousy and amazing privilege. In the case of bisexual people, it assumes that hiding an entire facet of our identity doesn’t matter and doesn’t take an emotional and psychological toll, because we can “choose” an opposite sex partner. This ignores the fact that falling in love isn’t based on choice, and that the moment we pursue a same-sex partner, we still have to “come out” if we want to maintain a healthy, open relationship with them. 

In the case of trans individuals, it assumes that “passing” erasing the fact that you have biological differences (such as typically being unable to parent children) from cis people that might make you undesirable to certain partners. Also, if you are also “stealth” you risk the chance of experiencing discrimination and/or violence if your identity is “discovered.” 

As far as being “white/European passing” this also does not erase the genetic and geographical ties you have to your ethnicity and/or country of origin. It doesn’t change the fact that if people start making racist comments about any of your racial demographics, it still hurts, even if you try to hide it. 

[carryonmyswansong]

Commission are Open!

My family is in crisis right now, so I'm opening my commissions; I need to make some money ASAP!

I make page dividers as well as write. Below the "Read More" is a lot of details about each. So please read the entire post. And PLEASE share! Thank you!

Page Dividers

Examples of my page dividers: (I sell them in sets of two)

Simple designs (Hawkeye, Basic Captain America, The Punisher, Men of Letters) are $3 for a set of two. Each matching additional divider is $2 each. More complicated designs (Hulk, Thor, Supernatural Christmas, Captain America's Stealth Suit) are $5 for a set of two. Each matching additional divider is $3 each.

Each set of two gets a main page divider and a secondary page divider.

Writing

Universes I will write for:

MCU

Teen Wolf

Supernatural

Criminal Minds

Characters I will write for:

MCU: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, Loki, and Thor

Teen Wolf: Almost everyone except background characters or those who were only around for a couple of episodes. The characters I'm best at writing are Chris, Derek, Noah, Peter, and Stiles.

Supernatural: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Castiel, Benny Lafitte, Bobby Singer, Crowley, Rowena, and Gabriel

Criminal Minds: Spenser Reid, Derek Morgan, and Penelope Garcia

RPF I will write for:

MCU: Sebastian Stan, Chris Evans, Robert Downy Jr, Jeremy Renner, Tom Holland, and Tom Hiddleston

Teen Wolf: Ian Bohen, JR Bourne, Dylan O’Brien, and Tyler Hoechlin

Supernatural: Misha Collins, Jensen Ackles, and Jared Padalecki

Content I WILL write for:

General Content:

fluff

angst with a happy ending

pregnancy

♕ smut

a/b/o - EXCEPT for the Teen Wolf universe

any slash between any listed characters - EXCEPT underage Peter Parker + anyone else | Crossovers can be discussed

RPF slash and RPF reader inserts can be between any actors, regardless of the universe they act in.

reader inserts (any gender)

love triangles

polyamorous relationships

☘ mostly any AU not listed in the "no" section

☘ most tropes

♕ You MUST be age 18 or older! (if your age isn’t listed on your blog, you must include your birthday in the first message you send me about this. I will not write smut for underage people. Period.)

☘ If you are unsure, please ask. I am better at some than others.

Kinks:

☘ Mostly anything not listed in the "no" section...

Specific kinks I can write for

ddlg, any genders - characters MUST be 18+! Will not include any content listed in the "no" section.

Sub/dom

sensory deprivation

edging

omorashi

☘ if you are unsure, please ask. I haven’t heard of them all and may need to expand the list below, lol. More taboo topics can be discussed and are case-by-case.

Content I will NOT write for:

General Content:

Non-con

dub-con

underage smut of any kind (including stories of younger versions of adult characters)

mpreg is negotiable

Teen Wolf AU: AU: All Human, A/B/O, Always Female Stiles, Trans Stiles

gender-swapping a single character/making a cis character trans (other gender expressions are negotiable)

sex/relationship between victim + abuser

Professor + student AU

Bucky Barnes without a prosthetic arm (meaning: two flesh arms. Bucky comes with a disability, and I won't write post-war Bucky without it.)

Kinks:

humiliation kink that involves abuse rather than legit kink

lack of aftercare

anything involving: vomit, scat, or blood (period sex is the exception as long as it isn’t graphic).

Prices:

Writing Smut for a fic, you are currently writing:

3¢ per word. (I will need access to your fic to read it to get a feel for your story before I start writing. I will write the scene in a separate Google Document page that you will have access to. We will be in contact every step of the way. The same rules apply as above. You MUST credit me in the post it appears in once you publish.)

Headcanon: 

Sfw: $3/character

Nsfw: $6/character

Fics:

All fics, regardless of length, are 2¢ per word. Nsfw scenes are 3¢ per word. (NSFW scenes means NSFW. Implied sex and teasing don't count. Blatant sex and nudity do.)

Please note that all the lists are subject to change at any time. Also, all fics/fic excerpts will be posted on my Patreon a week before they are posted on AO3 and Tumblr, but YOU will get a copy of your commission as soon as it's finished. All headcanons will be posted on AO3 the day they are posted on Tumblr. If you are asking for a headcanon, please post your question in with your coffee purchase, as well as sending me an ask on Tumblr. That way, I can keep track of who is asking what and who donated what. If you want to commission a fic or NSFW scene, please send me an Ask on Tumblr, off anon, and please include your discord name. It is MUCH more manageable for me to talk through Discord than any other message system. My ko-fi link is /carryonmyswansong.

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

also, dumb shit i’ve learned during my first year on t

-i can pass most of the time except for when i’m at work. i think that’s because customer service voice at my old job plus carryover work anxiety to my new job (i was borderline sexually harassed at my old job because i am trans, so i’m stealth at my new one, very anxious about anyone finding out, and VERY defensive when i get misgendered. perhaps to my detriment, but i always explain that it was the “running joke” at my old job that i “looked like a girl,” which is as true of a story as i can make it without telling my coworkers i’m trans. similarly, they think i’m having back surgery in december.)

-the only people who misgender me now are clueless people who see me without my binder on in like dining halls or some shit and adult women. actually, the amount of time i get misgendered by women between 30 and 60 has caused me so much anxiety around that demographic that my anxiety voice has probably increased the percentage of times they misgender me. even the bro-iest of broskis apologize profusely and turn red when they misgender me. (thanks nick ur a bro, i won’t drink 14 beers with u tho. maybe 2.) women between 30 and 60, or at the very least ones at my job seeing my customer-service persona? they just don’t seem to care, or can’t seem to remember. they either get defensive or give me the “oh you’re one of THOSE” stare. i can’t fucking stand it.

-on that note, i am tired of being called kira and karen. open your goddamn ears. kieran is not THAT uncommon of a name where you insist to your dull minds that a man is called kira or karen, 30-to-60-year-old-female-coworkers. jesus fucking christ on a bike. please. i am whole-ass begging you. when i spell or sound out my name for you, and you continually insist it’s karen, i have every right to be angry at you. i am very apprehensive around middle-aged women at my job now, which i am aware could be interpreted by them as sexist without the context for my anxiety, but the anxiety is there, despite me actively realizing it’s shitty and yikes-worthy. i need a fucking beard please.

-contrary to the last points, women in my own age demographic are much better than men at reading me as male. i predict that it’s because i’m not actively trying to get in their pants like most guys they interact with on a daily basis, they actually remember what the fuck my name is, and i’m less anxious around people my own age anyways so my voice is deeper. men my age may read me as female more because i don’t have facial hair and i make “i hate men” jokes with my female friends all the time. this is all theoretical, but it’s interesting to realize that the gender who misgenders me more is different for different generations. is there a study on this? should i do one myself?

-on the beard note, i gave in and bought minoxidil. will it work? possibly not. do i just need facial hair like yesterday to make up for my slight bone structure and small head? yes, so i am willing to drop $23 on a six-month supply of that shit for the gamble that it will work. i frankly don’t care if i’m out $23 because of it later, at least i tried. and considering all the results i’ve seem from trans guys (even those who are pre-t!!) with minoxidil beards, i have faith that it will work at least somewhat well. besides, i need an excuse to take better care of my skin and stop scratching my zits open during the day. this will probably have multiple benefits.

-you know, i don’t even WANT a beard, i just feel like i NEED one. ideally i want like a 5 o’clock shadow but i’ll probably end up having a beard for a bit just to enforce that i’m male whenever my fucking facial hair grows in. i don’t like how this means i’m conforming to societal standards of masculinity, but you know what? sometimes, you ahve to do what you have to do in order to feel safe and comfortable in your own skin. being trans is like walking a tightrope sometimes. i think in general most of the trans people i know agree that gender roles are stupid, but there are enough radical “fuck gender roles entirely i’ll do what i want who cares if i pass” people and enough “i can’t understand why amab trans people would want to keep their facial hair/penis or why afab trans people would still want to wear makeup and dresses” that i feel like i’m an odd one out for not agreeing with either side entirely. i’ll never be caught dead in makeup or a dress, but i also wear neon pink cat socks and don’t bind all the time. i feel like no matter what i do it’s still problematic to SOME trans person somewhere, and most of me doesn’t really care but some part of me thinks it’s stupid that me desiring to pass is problematic to some people or that me owning neon pink cat socks is problematic to some people. i’ve been distancing myself from the online trans community because of it.

-my mother and i had a talk about how she treated me during my transition, and it was a lot to handle. i don’t really wanna write out a whole paragraph about it right now because it’s still a lot to process, but i am in the process of deciding how much i want to let her back into my life or if i want to continue to keep her at a distance. i think i’ll have a better idea about that after thanksgiving or christmas break (she’ll be taking care of me post-surgery, and she was hurt that i was afraid to ask her to - but it made sense to be afraid considering she had such awful reactions to things as simple as my name change, you know?) idk. we’ll see where that ends up. we’re never going to be close, but we may end up being less far apart.

-i’ve been in a depressive/executive dysfunction episode for the past like month, and not only am i failing my classes but i’ve been wearing the same like 6 shirts and 1 baggy sweatshirt and 4 pairs of basketball shorts. i regularly wear my shower shoes out (they’re just flip flops, but still) because putting on socks takes more energy than i have. the plus side is they make me look masculine, the downside is i look like literal shit almost 24/7 and someone should really force me to do laundry. if you’re reading this and you know me irl, actually please text me/fb message me and yell at me to do laundry.

-all the negative experiences i’ve had being trans no longer make me want true trans soul rebel tattooed over my top surgery scars. sorry, laura jane grace, your music saved my life and i have failed you because i am weak and want to be stealth. maybe i’ll incorporate it into the t-shot date tattoo that i’m getting on my left thigh where i had my first t-shot. 

-that being said, i can’t be stealth ~yet~ outside of work because too many people already know, so i’m still wearing the iconic “i have no tits” shirt i got from wish for a whole 71 cents plus shipping to pride next time i go. (i wear it now for fun too and it makes a pretty excellent sports bra for under The Baggy Hoodie, believe it or not lmao.)

-THAT being said, i live with three men. my roommate definitely knows i’m trans bc he’s one of the first people i came out to irl, my one suitemate might know i’m trans but i can’t remember if he remembers, and my third suitemate (who is terrible and gross and i hate living with him because he leaves rotting food in the bathroom sink) does NOT know i’m trans. i was in the bathroom literally topless, with a towel around my waist and a towel over my neck/shoulders (and therefore covering my titties), and he didn’t bat an eye. my roommate saw the two of us silently coexisting in the bathroom and tried very, very hard to stifle his laughter at the situation. next semester after i have surgery, i’ll probably continue doing that for a while till i heal more, but eventually just be like “oh yeah i had ugly scars and now look at them they’re baby” lmao

-yeah that’s it for now i’ll add more if i think some

[mensiswives]

snippet from Book 1, Chapter 1: I Met Her in a Dream or Something

🍵OOF I hate to barge in on my sister’s blog after JUST establishing their blog as THEIRS and everyone else’s too as separate entities (cuz I mean, they all deserved that for the longest time) but this’s been pokin at me to finally put some pieces of the Bloodborne narrative up somewhere and I thought it’d be more fitting here

(btw, unlike the Goddess Gang narrative (“the current/finalized narrative”) Lila started out as nonbinary as well in Yharnam instead of full on trans at first so. that’s why some of this sounds a bit off)

This is the end, the hunter thought to themself, laid on their back and dying. To their left and right their ragtag allies looked on forlorn. At their side a strange woman cried on their chest. And above all, the Blood Moon raged on. They caressed her face and tossed her hair, “If this really is a nightmare, then you’re the dream I don’t want to wake up from.” They closed their eyes, feeling it all fade away…

“EVELYN!”

Then pain struck their core, sharp, just like… bleeding? Father? What the-?

“EVELYN! EVELYN CHESHIRE WAKE UP THIS INSTANT!”

Evelyn woke up to being smacked in the stomach by their father. Unable to breathe, they slapped his arms away as well as they could. “WHAT WHAT WHAT?!”

Their father’s slaps subsided but the anger did not. “You’d better get up RIGHT now, or - Giuro sulla forza di ODEON - you will be in a WORLD of pain!”

Evelyn was still rather dazed from the dream (and probably also the suffocation) but when their father finally came into view, they realized he was head to toe in full Church hunter garb, the whole nine yards, they could even see the white sash peeking out from behind his towering figure. Oh, that’s right. “… The Hunt is tonight.” Evelyn yawned, only to receive another smack on the arm.

“THE BLOODY HUNT ISN’T THE ONLY THING, DIMWIT! THE GRADUATION, OR SHOULD I SAY, WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR GRADUATION, IS WITHIN THE HOUR AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN OUT OF BED!”

Their father didn’t go for another strike but Evelyn flinched at this as well. Oh yeah… the graduation. The third class had finally completed their training and a party was being held for their commencement before they were to be unleashed into the night on their own… that is, Evelyn’s third class. This was the third time they failed and were declared unprepared for the Hunt and still, their parents dragged them to every commencement party.

Evelyn rubbed their eyes and tousled their dark mop. “Alright, alright I’ll get up-.”

“I don’t even think there’s TIME for you to get up and get ready! I only ask for SO little-!”

Evelyn rolled their eyes, prepared for another verbal berating, when their mother stepped into view. She placed her hand on their father’s arm, pushing his puffed-up shoulders down. “Why don’t you gather your things, dear, and step outside? It’s rather nice out today.” She then guided him towards the door that Evelyn didn’t even notice was pre-slammed open (most likely courtesy of their father). “I’ll prepare him.”

He groaned, walking out the door and muttered, “Can’t be having her take care of you forever, boy…”

She closed the door behind him and shuffled to Evelyn’s bedside, plopping down and reaching to comb her fingers through their hair. “Come on now, dear, it’s time to wake up.”

But Evelyn just shoved her hand aside. “Why does HE get to act like that?! And he calls ME ‘ferino!’ And why do you just let him-?!”

She silenced them with a sleight of hand to the lips. “Shhhh, easy. He isn’t here now. Breathe. Let’s just get ready.” Evelyn breathed in and out through puffed cheeks, allowing her a moment to ruffle their hair. They couldn’t help the smile that pulled at their mouth and stepped out of bed. “Now that’s my boy!” With the same stealth as before she reached for a tiny ornate bottle.

The smile was gone and Evelyn gagged and shoved the bottle away. “Mammaaaa! Please no, you know I hate the perfu-MAMMA!”

She persisted, skillfully keeping oncoming hands from spilling the perfume, “C’mon, Evelyn, you don’t have time to bathe and we have to go!” Evelyn eventually just scrunched up their face and let her douse them with the foul potion. Then she reached for Evelyn’s garb from the coat hanger and handed it to them, her white robes a stark contrast to Evelyn’s own attire. They quickly pulled on the uniform and, to their discontent, their mother patted it down and straightened it out the rest of the way. “And remember, be on your best behavior today. Make me proud.” She kissed them on the cheek and made her way outside. Evelyn grunted, ruffled their uniform to desired messiness, and followed their mother out the door.

---

The walk to the Cathedral wasn’t any different today than previous days; the Yharnamite civilians bowed their heads to them as they passed, an endless sea of “Good morning, blessed doctor!” and “Bless you, high hunter!” Some were even cheering and shouting “Praise the Old Blood!”

Fools, Evelyn thought to themself, it’s “fear the old blood” you IGNORANT FOOLS. Evelyn may have been trained as a hunter (Oedon curse the shackles of the male bloodline - and bloody men in general) but from the moment they could read, they loved sitting by the fireplace with their mother, the comfort of the flames and their mother’s presence illuminating the pages in the study. But when they would tell their peers, they just laughed at them, mocking “Guess you’ll always be sitting in a woman’s lap!” Evelyn just came to accept that no one would ever understand. No one.

But they wouldn’t let that stop them from being the best for their mother; no matter how angry they got or how much their father hit them, their mother deserved everything in their eyes. And, despite Evelyn’s dread of Church-organized events like these, today would be no different than any other day. So they smiled and nodded to each citizen.

The Grand Cathedral stood tall and symbolic of the corruption of this damn town as ever - well, at least in Evelyn’s eyes. The statues carved into figures in prayer and suffering dotted the inside, an odd contrast to the jovial crowd bustling within. Clergy hollered hearty greetings to their friends across the halls. It was a day for celebration, and seeing people enjoy themselves at least lifted the mood a little for Evelyn.

“And there she is, the apple of my eye!” Evelyn heard their father call to their mother. They followed her to his side, but Evelyn refused to look up at him. However, someone in the group of people he was talking to caught Evelyn’s eye; he was dressed in a strange getup that Evelyn had never seen before. In fact, Evelyn couldn’t figure him out for the life of them. He was dressed up a bit, more like the doctors present, though his outfit was more on the dark side, like the hunters. Nevertheless he was messy and ridden with bedhead, which scored him some points in their book. His eyes were even sunken into his face as if he’d been stuck in a library for weeks and his face never left the pages. Evelyn chuckled a little at the thought of a man so eaten up by pages that the pages started eating him back, but in doing so they realized the strange suit was looking right back at them, just as puzzled.

Oh… Evelyn averted their eyes and floundered, somewhat grateful when their father hit them over the head and ushered them into the conversation, “And this is my goofball son, Evelyn! Evelyn, this,” Evelyn looked up and saw he was pointing to - goddammit - the man Evelyn was basically laughing at, “Is Dean Cosmin, head of the School of Mensis.”

Evelyn lit up at that a bit, but the confusion still did not clear; they had read from their mother’s books of the mysterious studies and rituals of the School of Mensis - and even conspiracies of some political hand they had in the Church - but this grungy rando was supposed to be the leader of Mensis? Pfft, the school must be in dire straights right now then, they thought.

Micolash, on the other hand, was interested in Evelyn rather than put off. “This is the young sir who will be making his debut a few years late, yes?” He leaned in and clasped their hand in both of his. “Well then, young man, I do hope you enjoy your last few years of boyhood and make them last.”

Evelyn was about to just play according to the script, but then a sudden rebellious streak struck them. With the widest grin on their face, they squeezed Micolash’s hand and then - loud enough for their father to hear - replied, “I may only have a few years left of boyhood, but when I debut, I refuse to become a man.”

The group was suddenly quiet for a moment - appalled to say the best - but then Evelyn’s father laughed loud and distracting enough that Micolash was able to duck and whisper, “If you really are a friend of Mrs. King, then might I invite you onto the balcony over some wine before the night is over?”

In the heat of the moment, Evelyn was just going to slap him right in the face for getting so close, but then his words settled in their ear and Evelyn nodded in understanding. When Micolash withdrew, their father was done with the distraction and everyone seemed to be going their separate ways. That also included the Dean himself who was already off talking to higher ups like Evelyn’s past teachers (they supposed even a dying institution still needs to save face). And Evelyn didn’t want to talk to their father’s friends anymore than those arsefaces wanted to talk to them, so they just caught up to their mother and followed her around with other mothers of graduates for a bit. Spending the day with the ladies of the event was at least more palpable for Evelyn.

Eventually, as the sun began going down, Evelyn caught Micolash out of the corner of their eye leaving for a balcony, so they quickly excused themself from the conversation and headed to meet the Dean. As they rushed they found themself tangled and tripping over the sash of someone else who was passing by. The fumble caught the attention of surrounding passerby, drawing laughter and pointing fingers, and Evelyn’s cheeks flushed, frustrated, but nevertheless they marched onwards.

Evelyn cleared their throat to catch his attention, but Micolash just sloshed the contents of his glass. “Well, you seem chipper.” He took a sip and finally turned back to the young hunter. “Excited as could be to see a simple man like me.”

Evelyn didn’t know why, but his smile just felt mocking, so they parked themself against the nearest pillar and slouched. “Don’t flatter yourself,” They remarked, before tacking on a double entendre, “And don’t make me regret coming out here-.”

But Micolash caught on. “Today? Yeah, I had a feeling.” Evelyn dropped their arms in surprise. “It’s not everyday you meet a student who’s failed three times and still shows up to graduation.”

“Dammit, pops.” Evelyn murmured. They dropped their head, kicked themself off the stone, and sighed, “It’s not like I came on my own, my parents dragged me here.” They leaned on the guard rail beside the scholar and gazed at the horizon. “But I know there’s a world beyond this city and I just wish I could see it, even if only for a moment…”

Micolash chucked a bit at that, “Some secrets of this world and beyond are best left untouched. You do good to remember that.”

Evelyn growled in disagreement and dug their head into their shoulders. Then they realized something. “Hey, do you want some blood? I could easily get you some of the finest-.”

But Micolash halted them with a raised palm. “No no, I’m fine. I don’t like blood.” Evelyn stared at him like he had just sprouted five eyes on his forehead and Micolash laughed. “I know, it’s not common around Central Yharnam but… us of the School don’t have as much of a… crutch for blood.”

Evelyn clicked their tongue and shook their head, “Suit yourself.”

Micolash laughed softly at them and leaned over the rail himself. “Well, you came to talk to me for a reason, so I’m guessing my assumptions about you were right.” Evelyn didn’t know it, but they smirked proudly at that. But the next question took them off guard. “So, what are your pronouns?”

Evelyn’s eyes lit up at that, sudden butterflies in their stomach. Finally, something that would make getting out of bed today worth it. “Oh, that! My pronouns… I like to be called… uh.” They curled up a bit and scratched their head. “Oh, sorry, I don’t get asked this every day… or ever for that matter.” But Micolash just gave them an encouraging look so finally, they straightened out and took a deep breath, “I go by ‘they-them'… BUT! But I still go by ‘Evelyn,’ if that makes it easy for you.”

To Evelyn’s surprise, Micolash looked pleased with the answer, “Absolutely, that’s perfectly fine with me as long as you’re comfortable with it.”

Evelyn patted their own neck. “Heh, yeah…” They awkwardly trailed off.

But Micolash picked up with ease. “So you’ve really never told anyone else?”

Evelyn just winced at that. “Told…” They knew that they should just lie and say their life was great, but something about Micolash’s wisdom just swayed them otherwise. “Yeah, I’ve told some people but-.”

“It didn’t go so well?”

That… would only describe so little of it. Evelyn just nodded, mouth clamped and looking away. Well, this dampened the mood.

So they jumped a little when Micolash patted them on the shoulder. “Well I think you’ll make a fine adult, Evelyn, no matter what path you choose. Neither boy nor girl.“ Then, pulling away and smiling, “As so have I.”

That was a (slightly surprising, as the dean didn’t correct them on his own preferences, but still) kind sentiment, but - reflecting on more past events in their mind - Evelyn tried to control their voice, “It’s not really my choice…”

But Micolash persisted. “What? Of course it is! You always have a choice. You may get cornered, but you can choose whether to fight or not, and you may go down in the end, but you can choose to go quietly or go out screaming.”

This time when they looked up at him, Evelyn’s smile wasn’t forced. “Heh, kinda sounds nice… to have a choice for once.”

“Listen, people always paint your age as the best time of your life, but the truth is that youth SUCKS! So much change is happening, hell, even your body and brain are growing so fast everyday when you’re young. The growth just never stops and you change with it.” He patted them on the back and softly reassured, “Just give it time.”

Suddenly, a loud uproar came from within the Cathedral. Seeing Micolash’s concern made Evelyn chuckle. “Sounds like they’ve given the fledglings the final blessing.”

But Micolash looked rather downcast by this. “Well then, that means I must be heading off.”

“What? Already?” Evelyn bit back their lip, surprised at how loud they said it. They didn’t want him to go, they just started to get a good rapport.

“I’m sorry, Evelyn, but I really must take my leave. Mensis can’t run itself.” Even Micolash looked bitter about their departure.

So Evelyn stopped feeling sorry for themself, even if only a little, “Thank you for taking time to talk to me. It’s been hell recently…”

Micolash’s smile was as warm as before. “Isn’t life like that for us all?” He made his way to the steps just as a crowd was exiting the Cathedral and just like that, he was swept away.