#started binge eating again
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pride month is going by pretty mixed for me so far
#about to finally apply for hrt cause i just got my salary#dragon age news have me hyped#i started smoking again#my girlfriend and i broke up#i hate my job#started binge eating again#learning to paint with watercolors#planning to move out soon#so yeah...#idk feeling drained today
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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My mother continues to be the most fascinating human in the media-watching world. She loves a genre show. She hates all the elements that make it a genre show. She wants endless recommendations. She’ll ignore the recommendations in favor of rewatching old faves. She binges an entire multi-season show in two days. She can’t tell me if she actually liked the show she just inhaled in record time. She is a television superhero, and I cannot clock her to save my life.
#me: so you started Santa Clarita?#her: finished it#me: …did…you like..it?#her: it was very weird#(she watched it in the blink of an eye and literally all she said was to text me ‘eat the foot. eat the foot. eat the goddamn foot!’#she’ll binge grey’s while sassing everything about the hospital. she watched all of supernatural while chastising its fight scenes.#me: but like. that’s really how buffy was. and charmed. and so many shows you love#her: yeah and it was stupid then too!#girl! what? what is happening?? she’s so funny#I’m about to move back in with the parents while they FINALLY fix my house#and I’m once again ready to be deeply entertained by this in real time#I do have to point out this is the woman who watched bly. paused it. WHILE JAMIE WAS IN THE LAKE. so she could make a sandwich#a sibling just sent a pic of the TV where AE is acting her heart out mid-swim#‘mom decided she was hungry at this exact moment.’#baffling. a baffling woman. and yet half my love of stories very blatantly comes from her. it is so fucking funny
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haven’t smoked in a week I’m about to be soooo skinty
#txt#being high makes me binge eating so much worse#it’s starting to feel normal to eat again lll#lol#I don’t have to SCARF EVERYTHING DOWN like a. beast#that Sativa makes me a beast
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#disordered eating and PTSD stuff in the tags#I think that eating is maybe a safe strategy for me#like I can assure myself that I'm at ease and my basic needs are met#problem being that now as I'm getting counseling and digging everything up#I'm having all kinds of nightmares and flashbacks and sleeping like garbage#so I've been eating. uh. a lot.#some days are better than others#but I've had some legendary binge days lately#which is starting to show on my body#got a pair of jeans that isn't buttoning atm#and I feel fan-fucking-tastic abt that tyvm#and the body image issues bleed into the trauma#(maybe if I was *ugly* he wouldn't have touched me)#(maybe if I'm *uglier* they'll never touch me again)#(and maybe if I'm the *ugliest* then I'll just die alone)#lots and lots and lots of body image issues#desperate to be attractive enough to be loved BUT repulsive enough to be feared#anyway I'm lying awake after a nightmare eating thin mints and noticing the handfuls of fat on my body#which I think is incredible and captivating on anyone else but still judge myself so harshly for#maybe this is a testament to how badly I want to be alive.
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you know what yall? i just bettered myself. and ill fucking do it again
#me when i give in to binge eating again but ive taught myself not to just keep going because i started and also not to throw up#so now i do a workout and it makes me feel better#growwithjo man shes a visionary. i actually feel like shes my friend even more than ppl who work at lush#i give in to the person pretending to be my friend thing sooooo easy its a good trait imo lol#ed tw
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god gives his toughest battles (medication that makes me constantly hungry) to his strongest soldiers (girl with an eating disorder)
#I’ve been eating more. Which is kinda bordering on just like eating normally. Which I kinda have been for a minute#but I’m like voraciously hungry the past few days and I’m scared of slipping into binge habits again#I’m abt a year exactly to when I started being disordered the opposite way and lost like 40lbs in a couple months#eating disorder#dont like. ok like don’t take this as thinspo or whatever but this is ok to be relatable
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tw ////
#i feel my ed coming back ahhh#i stopped purging mainly because i have no privacy to and am terrified of being caught in the moment#and i stopped bc of my teeth....#but havent gotten binges under control completely#n been in a cycle#it's obvious ive gained in the past few months and it kills me i can never stop thinking about my body every second im awaks#but if i'm just going to kms then i might as well not care and die skinny.#i'm just really unhappy and i think if i started losing weigh again i'd have at least one less problem and that's worth it to me#idk. i haven't had an appetite lately thankfully but now i feel like i'll gain each time i eat lol
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I’ve been meeting up with the guy I’ve been seeing, EVERY single Saturday since April and this mf decides today not to text me once or confirm ONCE and didn’t show up at our usual meet and I’m SO sad but also what did I expect he’s a GUY god you think you might have been insanely lucky and found one nice guy who likes you and prioritises you and they still let you down
#I had just one pint after work and then I came home and cried#and I’m proud of myself for not binge drinking or binge eating or cutting and stuff#but god I’m so hurt and so frustrated#what fundamentally is wrong with me that I pick these kind of people#like I know he’s a man but I had hoped that he would maybe not be full of shit like every other fucking man#I’m not dating again I’m done now. celibacy starts now
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im watching kitchen nightmare right now and i love this show but theres this scene in the episode im watching where gordon is making the employees all go out together and play a game of cricket or whatever its called idk and i just wanna say if i had a job and my employer forced me to spend my day off hanging out with them and my coworkers i would quit on the spot
#i have had one job in my entire life. i worked at dollar general#and my coworker wanted to host a girl’s night with all the female employees#she wanted us to get dinner then go to her house and binge watch romcoms. HARD decline#she had young babies and this yeeyee ass husband and our general manager literally hated me and made fun of me every day#respectfully i’d rather eat my own fingers than do that#my only hobbies at that point was smoking weed and posting my sim story online. what would i even talk about#those are still my only hobbies really#when we move into the house i can start smoking weed again 🙏🏻 my plight has been rewarded
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#eating disorder#ed#not really but just in case#ive started using myfitnesspal again#as a guideline and help me remember that i ate#its helping so far and has definitely helped with bingeing#bc i eat so fast before my stomach realizes im eating ao i end up eating more than i need to.#heres hoping i can lose some weight (health reasons)#i need to up my protein a bit tho
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I may be getting an enema, it makes my skin crawl ugh
#All i want to do is have a nice shit#Like the last time i had one i feel like was in november#Idk that week was so good it was magical#All i remember is i had dosa and kurma which is a rice lentil batter with coconut milk and steamed veggies#I am pretty sure i had wheat too cuz i eat it so#No i am nostalgic for that week#Sorry for this post but truly has made me so miserable#And my diet has just changed a lot this year#Like in feb i went insane and started binging on fried chicken and before this in 4 years i had chicken 5 times#And 0 times 3 years before that#Then i started eating more protien which i think i barely eat much but it may be the problem#And i had started eating a lot of eggs but i have the ick now#And i started eating more dairy bcz protien and again very low dairy consumption and none for years#Like idk i just want balance
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also FOOTBALL DIDNT EVEN COME HOME wahhhhhhh today sucks and tommorow i have to do more work and then i have school with the worst classes everrrrrr and then i have to survive for a whole semester with no friends in any of my classes whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
#at least this is annoying sad and not fruit ninja sad yk#i actually haven’t cut myself since monday exam week 1#which i think makes six weeks#i think realistically i’m not gonna last too much longer#now that i’m gonna be on ritalin again im gonna not be eating at school#and basically binge eating at home#i’ll just feel so guilty every time i eat#like i know it won’t make me happy i know i’ll just feel worse if i weigh less but there’s subconscious urge in me to get thinner#some tiny hope that maybe i’ll be happy at 55#there’s also a chance that the ritalin alone is gonna make me cut myself because starting this sem i’m gonna be taking it all day even in#the evening#but i guess that’s the price i pay for good grades#maybe i just have to become a green tea maxxer yk
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i got my pathology report back for my gall bladder and apparently i had over 100 gall stones in there.........built different to a notable degree
#some of them were apparently up to 7mm big that shit could get Large#recovery is going fine btw :D my incisions are healing nicely and i can start to eat more normal food again#also Hi ive been lurking. im a lil low energy as u can imagine#binging northernlion and playing balatro quite notably#txt
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ED tw in da tags i just need 2 vent
#ive been. strugglin w food again. not even in an ED way like. I Want to eat#but my appetite n nausea has just been getting worse and worse I like Cannot eat enough#I have to force like half a meal down and then be too uncomfortably full to eat again the rest of the day. sometimes it’s painful too#which will result in me intentionally eating less in the hopes of being able to eat later#like if I have a special dinner or smth coming up I’ll skip lunch and then still only manage a few bites at dinner#so I never know what or how much food to get. I don’t wanna waste a lot but if I Can eat I wanna take advantage#part of it too is this is the most independently I’ve ever sought out my own food#like it’s my first time not living at home Or having a meal plan. so money is a factor in a way it never has been#which I could handle if I felt like I could freaking eat what I buy! or if I didn’t need Specific ass foods if I wanna get anything down!#eventually I end up ravenous and get like a $20 meal and then can’t justify buying more later#but I can’t eat even the tiny snacks in my dorm sometimes. esp in the morning#idk if part of it is also just my body struggling to get used to an all new food routine. a lot changed at once and I have no consistency#but I should be able to eat at least close to what I’m usually able to eat right? I’m not like Starving or binging?#dude and the freaking nausea is worse w each passing day. actually lemme just:#emetophobia tw#bc. I will be having a conversation w a stranger and just start wretching heaving etc#not actually ******** ** but having to actively try not to for the first time in years#like every day. it’s worse when I’m nervous or doing smth active but it’s constant and debilitating and embarrassing#bc everyone keeps having to be like oh my god are u good? and idk what to tell them!! idk what’s going on!!#I’ve just started saying I have chronic nausea bc I clearly do. idk exactly from what. dyspraxia? former ED? Smth I don’t know I have?#I take nausea meds but it only helps for a few minutes. I need 2 tell a doctor abt it but don’t have my insurance card yet#idk why I’m saying all this here I don’t rly want ppl’s dumb speculations or recommendations. I just like dunno what to do#it’s hard enough as is to eat as a dyspraxic person. my choices are limited#i pretty much have Disordered Eating again despite not rly having like. an ED anymore. mentally#I’m sure not having enough food intake is affecting other health issues and I’m eating as much as i can but at what cost (the nausea)#mine#personal#txt#eating disorder tw
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how life feels after not breaking my fast even when faced with a plate of my favorite most mouth-wateringly delicious binge foods
#it also feels so devastating tho#like its RIGHT THERE. WITHIN REACH#and my body is so starved and i hadnt eaten anything all day and all i wanted was to eat everything in my sight#even at a normal portion size it doesnt even have to be a binge#but i didnt allow myself that because im disciplined#but god i miss it#i miss eating#i miss the flavor#im so scared that one of these days im gonna lose control#that im gonna start eating again and gain it all back#its my biggest fear right now#but god i just miss the little sparks of joy from eating a favorite food#life feels so dull now#all the color and intrigue has been sucked out of it#i live for nothing but starvation#i wake up every day with an empty stomach#yearning to fill it with something that could fix this mess in my mind#but i dont. because i would rather be skinny than happy#on that day that he sees me again#i need to be skinny. or at least the same weight i was at the last time he saw me#he cant see me fat#thats all i need#i need to lose 60 more fucking pounds#im fucking repulsive#how could i let myself get this bad#if december 2022 me knew my weight ever got this high i dont even know what i would have done#im a disappointment to everyone even myself#im such a fucking eyesore. the least i could do for the world is make my disgusting form at least slightly more appealing#my only joy now is seeing the scale go down. its the one thing i look forward to#but even when the numbers go down rapidly its not enough. no matter how far i go it never will be enough for me
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