#if december 2022 me knew my weight ever got this high i dont even know what i would have done
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how life feels after not breaking my fast even when faced with a plate of my favorite most mouth-wateringly delicious binge foods
#it also feels so devastating tho#like its RIGHT THERE. WITHIN REACH#and my body is so starved and i hadnt eaten anything all day and all i wanted was to eat everything in my sight#even at a normal portion size it doesnt even have to be a binge#but i didnt allow myself that because im disciplined#but god i miss it#i miss eating#i miss the flavor#im so scared that one of these days im gonna lose control#that im gonna start eating again and gain it all back#its my biggest fear right now#but god i just miss the little sparks of joy from eating a favorite food#life feels so dull now#all the color and intrigue has been sucked out of it#i live for nothing but starvation#i wake up every day with an empty stomach#yearning to fill it with something that could fix this mess in my mind#but i dont. because i would rather be skinny than happy#on that day that he sees me again#i need to be skinny. or at least the same weight i was at the last time he saw me#he cant see me fat#thats all i need#i need to lose 60 more fucking pounds#im fucking repulsive#how could i let myself get this bad#if december 2022 me knew my weight ever got this high i dont even know what i would have done#im a disappointment to everyone even myself#im such a fucking eyesore. the least i could do for the world is make my disgusting form at least slightly more appealing#my only joy now is seeing the scale go down. its the one thing i look forward to#but even when the numbers go down rapidly its not enough. no matter how far i go it never will be enough for me
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