#srsly this story is literally like a drug

[oohbuggypie]

I CANT BE TAME AND REGULAR RIGHT NOW EXCUSE THE CRAZINESS I GENUINELY DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO WORD THIS BUT !!! YEAH IM BREAKING DOWN THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG AND HOW THEY REFLECT DON AND BULL'S DYNAMIC DEPICTED IN @goferwashere's LATEST PIECE OF WRITING !! GO READ IT IT MAKES ME INSANE SRSLY. SO THESE R THE LYRICS::

**(song above is Shades Of Cool by Lana Del Rey;; the section takes place from 3:49 - 4:31 . please read the disclaimer / warning at the end of this post !!)

OKAY . BREAKING THEM DOWN TIME.

"your hot, hot weather in the summer" - (real quick: i would change the 'your' to 'you're' as it would make more sense in the context of describing their lover as a feeling; if not, it makes less sense. anyway!!) so this lyric makes me think of how, as Don begins using his manipulative ability to alter Bull's state of mind, the feeling the victim succumbs to when hearing his voice is described as bringing a sense of "warmth and comfort." to describe Don's manipulation effects as "hot weather in the summer" makes sm sense to me because, much like the sun's radiance and the general relaxation/freedom that comes with the summer season, Don's manipulation makes Bull feel a (false) sense of safety and enjoyment. further, in closer context to both the song's general tones and siren mythology, the description of Don's manipulation being akin to "hot weather" can also be taken in a more sultry / seductive manner; in the story, Don uses intimate gestures like tracing along Bull's hand, cupping his face, wrapping himself around his arm, drinking directly from the same cup as him, etc. in what id assume is an attempt to be more alluring / welcoming. along with this, Don's handsome appearance and charisma seems to sway Bull's judgement slightly. Bull does have a reaction to these gestures , being flushed in the face and appealing to Don's demands the first few times he's asked. however, this feeling gets its meaning changed fairly quickly.

condensed: the feeling of Don's manipulation is akin to the warm days of summer, a freeing and typically sweet feeling. Don invokes feelings in Bull that can be related to the sentiment of summer's heat.

"high, high, neglectful lover" - in the literal sense of the song, i believe the use of the word "high" implies that the lover is constantly under the influence of drugs; in this context though, i prefer to think of the word "high" as in a power trip. Don is shown to be on his high horse constantly due to the overwhelming abilities he holds over his peers, being able to demand anything from nearly anyone. alternatively, closer to the original context of the song, i suppose the "high" could also correlate to the feeling of Don's manipulation influence. the victim loses their own proper coordination, their thinking is impaired, and in Bull's case his temperature even rises, causing sweating. all of this could reflect the symptoms of somebody under the influence, similar to how Don puts all of his victims under a "trance" of sorts. moving along to the second part of the line; in this writing, i don't believe that Bull and Don are implied to be in a relationship of any form. however, they do almost seem to reflect feelings for each other, seeing that Don touching Bull's hand makes the latter blush, and Don's heart rate picks up when Bull touches his face (this could be due to the fact that Bull was moving beneath command, causing Don nervousness - but my interpretation is the former). so in this scenario, i believe Don would take the role of "neglectful lover" - as mentioned in the previous paragraphs, Don is shown to use sweet and intimate gestures with Bull; however, we know that they're devoid of any true meaning and that he's doing them simply to appear normal to outsiders that can't tell his victim is under his control, or to persuade his victim before manipulating them. however, Don does present himself as caring for Bull, such as constantly adjusting his attire and even cleaning the sweat from his forehead, and an important factor is that Don - for the first time - feels guilt whilst manipulating Bull. this seems to happen only when he's dealing with him in specific, and to me that deepens the idea of Don being the neglectful lover because , despite being aware that what he's doing is wrong, he pushes that guilt aside and continues to manipulate Bull.

condensed: Don holds an overbearing amount of power among his peers. he also induces symptoms / feelings similar to drug use upon his victims when manipulating them. Don plays the role of a "lover" that does not express true care for their partner and ultimately harms them.

"hot, hot weather in the summer" - oh my goodness this is one of my favorite parts of the song when reading it along with the writing. in the story, as Bull begins regaining his consciousness back, we learn that he can hear Don's voice almost as an outer force. as i covered in the first paragraph, the "hot weather" starts as a pleasant and seductive feeling for Bull. it's swaying, comfortable, and warming. however, as the breakdown in the song intensifies and the guitar whines over the drawling vocals, the pronunciation of the phrase begins to lean towards sounding pained;; bringing a bit of personal description into this, summer where i come from can become so intense that it starts to feel painful on the skin and is no longer enjoyable. this is exactly the feeling i think Bull experiences; that "hot weather" Don induced no longer feels like freedom, it's becoming a dreadful burning. a detail that i adored and stuck out to me in the writing is that Don's voice is so intensified in this state that Bull shields his ears, wincing at the height of the volume. this contributes more to my point that Bull's slow awakening and the summer weather reflect one another; much like how the beating sun becomes overstimulating and unbearable against the skin, Don's influence that was once sweet starts to slowly morph into a more agonizing experience, both mentally and physically for Bull.

condensed: the sense of comfort and warmth that Bull initially felt when being manipulated by Don slowly transforms into a painful feeling as Bull begins to escape the manipulation's trance.

"high, neglectful lover" - when Bull fully escapes the maze and is no longer under Don's control, it can be viewed as one coming down from their high. this is where the roles become reversed to me; he awakens to Don grasping his hand and gently holding his face with the opposite. in that moment, Don seems to be truly concerned for Bull as he twitches and acts irregularly. Don momentarily sheds the image of a neglecting, careless lover and now appears to be the sweet partner; and as Bull quickly resorts to violence upon understanding what Don had just put him through, that "neglectful lover" image is projected onto him instead. he cares not to hear Don's reasoning or explanation, but for how he will reflect the same suffering he was caused onto him. this part is so so detrimental to me because it almost makes you feel for Don. Bull appears for a short moment to be the monstrous one before we're reminded yet again who truly is the neglectful, abusive one.

condensed: Don appears to care for Bull, and he is no longer the neglecting partner; Bull takes on the latter role instead, but for a short moment only.

"you're crumbling, sadly" - to me, this line reflects the final moments of the writing, in which Bull begins choking Don against the bathroom wall as vengeance for his manipulation. on the surface, reading this from Bull's point of view, you can view the "crumbling" as Don's reaction to his punishment. he seems to almost lose his grasp on consciousness, his breathing is inconsistent, and he can't disguise the terror that Bull has inflicted upon him; the largest part of the "crumbling" is that Don's usual sauve front was dropped out of pure fear under Bull's rage . however, as we see just a moment later, Don manages to remain snarky despite his terrified state just seconds before .. so, to me, i think that this line fits just as perfectly when being read from Don's point of view;; he views Bull's immediate resort to violence / switch in demeanor as proof of weakness, and that his manipulation was powerful enough to make Bull "crumble" beneath the pressure of his trance. this also plays strongly into the afore mentioned power trip that Don is constantly on.

condensed: Bull choking Don is the former's idea of the latter "crumbling". however, Don also believes that Bull's violence towards him is an example of his victim crumbling as well.

"you're sadly, crumbling" - the very last moments of the writing show the aftermath of Bull nearly strangling Don, as the latter begs him to come back. and i think one of the most key factors of the entire story - if not Don's entire character in this AU - happens here. as Don attempts to use his manipulative power one last time to lure Bull into retrieving him, that power sputters out just as Don says "i'm sorry." i think the entire sentiment of Don's weak figure facing the consequence of his wrongdoing , asking not only for help, but for forgiveness from his victim is a turnaround moment for him. it strikes a chord that has never been heard of; Don realizes that there was no reason behind his actions, that the abuse of his power and his manipulative behavior simply cannot be justified. i think that crushing, unheard of feeling of remorse for his actions is what ultimately differentiates who truly "crumbled" in the end; Don is the one left unforgiven, regretful of his own actions and battered on the floor with nobody to sympathize with.

condensed: Don is ultimately the one harmed most by his manipulation.

OH MY GOD ITS DONE. this actually took the entire day im so srs,, like i know it's not even that much and it's written not very well but the effort that is articulating my thoughts enough so that other ppl don't just hear "LOOK HERE THIS LOOKS LIKE THAT DO U GET IT" is grueling . anyway gofer i hope u enjoy this absolutely monstrous amount of writing cuz it was all inspired by u 🩷 i reccomend reading all this and then rereading ur own story with the song in the background it will change u i Think . and i recommend doing the exact same thing 2 anybody else who can stand to read this entire post ✝️ it's literally 1 in the morning as i post this and a majority of this was written at midnight so sorry for all the janky wording nd generally bad writing but i had to get this out today or i wouldn't come back 2 it 😭 hope u can try n understand where im coming from hehe

**(i do not agree with many of LDR's statements and actions, and prefer not to directly stream her music as to avoid supporting her. if u would like to hear the excerpt from the song, i reccomend doing what i did and YouTube-to-MP3'ing it so u can download, easily hear, then delete it without having to stream her music 🩷 thank u 4 ur understanding !)

[away-ward]

To the anon who posted "one thing i hate about will was his manwhore tendencies/lowkey maybe “flirty” personality.", i agree with you 100%. Even worse when i remember that will said that he could easily "sink into alex" implying that he can have alex and alex have him, just like how rika could easily have kai if em and banks were not around. There's no "exclusivity" for their romance as if intimacy with others were so easy, so it does cheapen their feelings for their partners, and it can be seen like "so mich talk, but no actions". This was my main gripe with will too, because if he had the time to fuck around with other women, he had the time to email or call emmy and asked if she was homeless or dying, alright.

That's why i said, no MMCs in this book is possessive, not even damon, they all aint shit. The romantic parts were not giving, the bias were so obvious it ruin the fun of "a story with variety of couples" type of series, the men were scums from hell, even worse than mafia romances (and mafia romances had better arc, can you imagine that?! Even these mafia guys practice loyalty and monogamy wtf?!). Like if you guys want great dark romance, better not expect it from PD srsly, because if there's one constant thing i noticed that pd loves to use in their storytelling is to romanticise (?) something ugly, then abandon that ship and expect the reader to lap every second of it. They always wanna write something that goes beyond ugly (whoch is fine, many other authors like k. Webster and other do it too), but PD'S wrap up of their stories were always just pure shit. It's even disappointing because pd's idea was usually fun to read but man, the execution was just so 🗑️☠️

If there is one thing pd was really bad at, it's the middle and redemption arc, that's why whichever character that gets the shorter end of the stick in any of their books will always just have to stow in their hurt feelings without any further just ending for them. It happens in DN for banks and emory, it happens in Fall Away, it happens in credence noah and jake, in tryst six venom too, and at this point, only birthday girl and maybe hellbent were free from this, only because they dont have much "bully" elements to their stories. Even if there were some rough scenes in hellbent, the romance was still sweet, hot, monogamous and everything great you'd expect from the romance genre, but with a sprinkle of hot spice in it.

IMO, i didnt have much thoughts or feelings when will complimented banks, because he's literally like that with everyone, but when you guys discussed about it, he really was a bit too flirty with these women, huh? 🤣 now he made me pissed off to, and this just adds more to my will grayson's ick list, LOL! Becaus that mad sense, if we cant get angry at michael for looking at banks and kai at rika, why cant we with will?

Hey, I hope the Anon sees your message. And I also hope you don���t mind me popping in with some thoughts!

But you can ignore them too. I'll post if Anon replies.

Even worse when i remember that will said that he could easily "sink into alex" implying that he can have alex and alex have him

So I actually found this line interesting, because it can have two meanings, depending on how deep you want to look at it. One, is the obvious. He means penetration.

But the second is like drowning. Like how he used Alex, along with drugs and booze to, drown out his pain. It would be so easy to just try to love Alex and to sink into her because she doesn’t fight him; she numbs his pain. But at this point, he's come so far that he doesn’t want to be numb anymore. He’d rather fight with Emory than forget with Alex.

At least, that’s how I understood his thoughts in that scene.

because if he had the time to fuck around with other women, he had the time to email or call emmy and asked if she was homeless or dying, alright.

You’re not the first person to say this and, I hope you don’t mind, but it always struck me as a bit funny. Because if I was Will’s friend after he got out of prison and he told me he was going to try and contact Emory, I would have lost my mind.

Because, looking at the situation with only the information Will has, this is a girl who had repeatedly for three years told him ‘no’ and to ‘leave her alone’. Then, when he goes to prison for brutalizing her brother (who rightfully deserved it), she doesn’t reach out to him at all.

He's not sleeping with other women in prison. He’s not going anywhere. She knew exactly where he was every day and night.

I’d say with all of that, Emory had made it abundantly clear she didn’t want to be contacted by him.

So if he told me he was going to reach out “just to check on her” I would have tied him to a chair, and removed all access to the internet. No email. No calls. Hell, he doesn’t even get pen and paper. He can’t do smoke signals or morse code. Nothing.

It just seems to be that when a girl says no, we should respect that. So we can’t say we want Will to respect her but also ignore her when she says she doesn’t want him in her life. Because that’s what she told him. Repeatedly.

But also, it sort of does a disservice to Will to expect him to roll his heart out to her once again.

For three years, he begged, followed, and pleaded with her to see him. He goes to prison, and she still says nothing. Not even a thank you letter. Now, whether Em owned him any communication is up to the reader.

But even before then, Will was lost.

I propose Will didn’t just not like himself, but that he hated himself. He hated himself for wanting her so much. And he tries for years to root her out of his mind and heart. He tries to numb the pain with women and booze, because if the woman he wants doesn’t want him, what would be the point of acting like he’s in a committed relationship. Why mourn the loss of someone who was never his?

And I still think all of this is to cover up the fact that he hates himself. He’s trying to deaden the voice inside that says he’s worthless because Em didn’t see anything worth in him. He’s heartbroken and sick.

Now, if I were Will, and I had gone through all that and had tried to get this person out of my head and heart, only to see them once and realize they are still so deeply entrenched in every part of me? To realize that for years, all the stuff I’d done to try and kill off the love I felt for them, was useless because at the first sight of them I know without a doubt I’m still in love with this person who has made it very clear they want nothing to do with me?

I would feel so stupid. Just dumb. And broken.

But in NF, Will of course has a layer of anger to cover up his feelings. He wants to hurt Em for hurting him and it’s messy and wrong, but people often are.

All I’m saying is expecting Will to come out of prison wanting to get right back to where he left off in high school would be unfair to both of them.

but PD'S wrap up of their stories were always just pure shit. It's even disappointing because pd's idea was usually fun to read but man, the execution was just so 🗑️☠️

Unfortunately, I think this is the case. PD has great ideas, but somewhere along the line, at least for me, the story I’m interested in reading and the story they’re interested in telling diverge until I’m just confused as to how we ended up here.

because they dont have much "bully" elements to their stories

This is an interesting analysis. I wonder what it is about the “bully romance” trope that causes them to do this?

I know a lot of author get tripped up with arc enemies to lovers storyline because they don’t give enough time to let them come to respect each other before making them lovers? At least in my experience, it seems some authors try make the enemies part ‘oh they don’t really hate each other; it’s just hidden attraction’ but that’s not enemies to lovers!

Does PD do the same thing? Where they try to make it a bully romance but once the romance picks up, there’s no time to deal with all the previous bullying?

I don’t know. I’m just throwing things at the wall…

IMO, i didnt have much thoughts or feelings when will complimented banks, because he's literally like that with everyone, but when you guys discussed about it, he really was a bit too flirty with these women, huh?

I never minded Will be flirty with the women in the inner-circle, because I don’t think there was any real intent behind it, but I won’t waste an opportunity to bring up this clip so…

[13tinysocks]

also pls i LOVE syg, i be rereading that shiz like a drug slash jay but fr it literally transformed me into this little freak writer (metaphorically and literally) so i love and appreciate yall for that one. gonna act like I don't have a 'favorite line' doc on the story.. srsly though, some of the dialogue in SYG and even early YCYD is very cash money and silly. (by that I mean gen z coded.)

I'm glad you still find value in syg. It started me actually writing I'd never published anything online before and getting so much positive feedback was nice. I actually didn't write like at all before syg lol. Syg mostly inspires me to write better.

And yeah I used to write a little more silly. I still try to let humor shine through in the hardest situations. I pulled back because I ended up dating myself, ruining scene momentum, and over writing. I also just ended up leaning more toward writing edgier stuff where there's less room to be funny haha.

[morgansplace]

hi y’all, Morgan here! I’m making this post as a boost for Mar’s new sideblog, an acc for their story, Layered Realms! 

If you’re interested in fantasy stories, i really recommend checking her’s out. The worldbuilding, characters and plot are amazing, and i’m really invested into it already.

The account is @the-realms-master and her main blog is @mar-the-magician, go check their stuff out!

[fancycaroline]

Keenler Baby Theory tease in S7:

Let’s have some fun, shall we? 😁

(Look, I’m not suggesting anything literal here. Just that the show likes to tease us with poetic imagery. Whether they mean to follow through or they are meant purely as teases is anyone’s guess. Personally, I love the idea of Keenler Baby and I think it makes for a compelling story within The Blacklist. Yes, it’s sad, but also bittersweet.)

Hannah Hayes 7.07

[ Liz and Ressler interview Governor Sweeney.] …you know, the pregnant guy

Liz: Nothing at all?

Gov Sweenry: No, it’s just a blank. I think they kept me drugged. Sure had one hell of a hangover when I woke up in that storage room.

Ressler: The guards at the state capitol building said you were in your office the night of the abduction. What do you remember from that night?

Gov Sweeney: I like to work late. You know, for the peace and quiet. Only, when you’re the governor, it’s rarely peaceful. My life’s a symphony of phone rings and door knocks, so sometimes when the guards aren’t looking, I like to sneak out to this little Oriental place across the street. They know me there. They take good care of me. They shut the place down, let me enjoy my egg-drop soup in heavenly bliss.

Liz: And that’s where you were the day of your disappearance?

Gov Sweeney: Yes, ma’am, just like usual. Only this time, when I walked out the front door, a bag dropped over my head. Next thing I know, I’m waking up to that hangover.

Liz: Hmm. Almost three months? It’s a long time to keep a man comatose. I’m surprised you can even walk.

Gov Sweeney: Well, I am a bit wobbly. Listen. I’m sure you can understand.

I want whoever did this found and punished. So if there’s anything else I can do, you be sure to let me know.

Ressler: Matter of fact, there is. The restaurant you were abducted from the, uh, little Oriental joint – what’s it called?

Gov Sweeney: —

**************************

As an aside, the egg drop soup as an analogy for conception isn’t as far-fetched as it sounds. 😂 Consider this dialog between Red and Heddie in 5.05, Ilyas Surkov, as they plot to rebuild Red’s fortune:

[ Red is playing solitaire ] [ Heddie Hawkins enters ]

Hawkins: You’re not my type, okay? But if you were even remotely in the ballpark, I would have your child.

[ She empties a bag filled with bundles of bills on the table ]

Red: Do you have a count?

Hawkins: The mailman gave us two lists. Each list had 22 people who wanted their mail held while on vacation. That’s 44 empty apartments. We rented 18 for 5 nights each at $500 a night. That’s $45,000 for the week off two lists.

Red: By next week, we should have eight.

Hawkins: Did you hear that? I just dropped an egg.

Red: While I appreciate your enthusiasm, we have cash but no business to run it through.

***Later***

[ At the pet groomer ]

Red: Our liquidity crisis has been solved.

Hawkins: By doggy day care?

Red: These are rescued dogs picked up at shelters, given a bath and a professional grooming, then given back to the shelters primped and proud and ready for adoption. They supplement their business with regular grooming. But it’s basically a labor of love – and a 501(c)3.

Hawkins: A non-profit. That is good.

Red: [ CHUCKLES ] Even the most ruthless IRS agent would hesitate before auditing the books of such a noble enterprise.

Hawkins: And that’s good, if we can run enough money through it. I mean, the rents are throwing up nearly 200K a week.

Red: Well, most of their business is mobile. They have a fleet of vans that go from shelter to shelter in 10 different cities. It’s 100 vans, a dozen or more dogs a van, 25 bucks a dog. You do the math.

[ LAUGHING ]

Hawkins: I just did. And my hand to God, if I found you a little bit more attractive, I would birth you a litter. I mean, like, seven pups – Boom! Right here on the floor.

I’m sorry…. this show has ruined me with their MagicEye plots and I Spy dead ends… 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

But srsly, with the BLATANT mooneyes between Liz and Ressler in that scene, and then the suggestive lines in the script, I just couldn’t help myself. Forgive me. 😅

[neo-shitty]

checkmate tested my sanity like for reals. ending got me shocked like wtf but its so good. i wasnt expecting it to end like that honestly. like !!OK SPOILERS!! yeah i inferred as much that they were drugged but i didnt think that it would go deeper. so damn you got me. checkmate is a masterpiece. my gut feeling did tell me that theres a high chance they were really killed off but my heart really rooted for jisung and me(?)/reader aaaanddd changbin x saeyeon. srsly tho very very well written. well in all honestly i didnt cry because i was so shocked i couldnt budge. and thats how you know how good a story is lmao.

moving on to obliviate!!! the moment i saw the title and it being an l2e ,, i alrdy knew it would be sad af. so i was sobbing while reading the whole thing. and please dont get me started,,, harry poterr x skz fics are heaven. the 2 fandoms im in in one story is *chefs kiss* draco is my favourite charac in hp thereforeee idk i just rly felt the story. reader had the same circumstance as draco did so maybe thats why i cried (??) draco is no doubt one of the most misunderstood characters and i rly just fking bought the whole book series just to read his redemption arc that they didnt include in the movies lmao.

ANYWAYS BACK TO OBLIVIATE, my heart literally burst of sadness when jisung asked reader to erase his memories. like idk remembering it now still makes me feel things that i cant interpret through words.

my point is ur a rly rly gud writer so keep it up<3 and that those 2 are my favourite of yours. would you mind telling us, ur readers, what your favourite work is?

i'm just here to tell you that i think checkmate tested my sanity just as much as it did yours. like i knew how it was going to end bc that was the first thing i planned out but getting there without spilling too much just drove me MAD. making a cut bc this is going to be a lengthy one.

thank you for taking the time to read checkmate! i like how your gut feeling told you shit was gonna go down bc some just didn't see it coming kjdksj and i'm also glad it go that reaction out of you (?) i was aiming for that sort of impact. i'm soooo glad that you enjoyed it. also I TOO ROOT FOR THOSE PAIRINGS. well, all three pairings actually + everyone else. i got so attached to this little squad that i started writing more for them. basically every skz high school au i come up with at this point leads back to checkmate.

AND OBLIVIATE, GOD. NOT OBLIVIATE MAKIGN YOU CRY IM SORRYJSDKK. tbh that fic was just me recreating that 'wand fight' they had in half blood prince. and yes i'm fond of draco as well and poor boy was misunderstood :((( i havent read the books yet so EXCUSE ME HE HAD A REDEMPTION ARC?@$?@#?$ how much of the redemption arc can you tell me without completely spoiling it bc i'm really interested in knowing :((( the betrayal in obliviate tho and it's quite sad that mc didn't really get to explain nor did they have that much of a choice. ok now i'm getting sad too damn it.

thank you for reading my works, i do appreciate it a lot! just the thought of someone taking the time to read makes my heart swell :( <3 also this million-dollar question EYE. plot-wise, my favorites would be checkmate (isn't a surprise atp, it's by far my favorite child), kill steal (a purge fic centered around the neos) and nabi (which is yet to be posted). writing-wise, i adore cherry wine and if i fall.

[forgxtemall]

Should you fight...

Pros

He is a bitch, get him;

Very weak, can’t defend himself for shit;

99% chances of bringing the situation to himself, he had it coming his way;

His coworkers are there just to watch.

Cons

Gengar: you better watch out, you BETTER WATCH OUT, Y̼̹̱̣͎̱͡ͅÓ͕̦̳͚́Ṵ͖̠̤̝̞́͢ ̥̗͙̲̯̜͡B̢̩͎̖̙E҉͕̖̯̀T̶͎͓̝̗̘̲̬̪̺͠͡Ţ̸̛̦̺E̷̞̳͍R̫̘͇͉̼̰̗͘ ̶̡̛͇̟͈͖ͅW͏̡̨͎ͅA͢͠҉̞͚̜̮̲͙̗̟̠T͓̫͇͢͡C̭̦̯̳̞H̕҉̧̳̯ ̛̗̳͇O͏̫͖̬͎͚́Ṷ̵̢͈̀T̕͘͏̘̺͚̟̣̤̮

You thought he was all by himself, didn’t you? You poor miserable soul;

He is great at hide and seek, good luck finding him once he escapes.

Pros

She’s only 4′8 ft / 1,42 m, she has arthritis, she’s old. Surely nothing bad could come out of-

Cons

That cane is going places aka it will give you a concussion and a trip to the ER;

Fury incarnate;

She will not pay your medical bills;

She has two Arboks man, IDK that sounds v counter productive-.

Pros

He worked on the Mewtwo project (unknowingly worked for TR), slam dunk on his ass >O;

He’s old and is literally is simply existing.

Cons

You should’ve listened to your mom about not playing with fire;

He has a horse that’s on fire in the lab

Chemicals, weird substances all over the place. He will not hesitate to use them (actually he will, that’s his work wtf). But there might be an attempt at bluffing.

Pros

He limps, he’s old. Maybe THIS ONE will be an easy target;

Fortunately that cane isn’t going places.

Cons

These are the fists of an artisan who handles ica and other heavy instruments, if he lands a punch it will not look pretty afterwards;

His disappointment is at level 100, don’t make it go past that;

Will lecture you about how much of a bitch you are while freezing you in place;

Runs over your feet with his wheelchair.

Pros

It’s a child, not really that strong;

He drops his scarf, it grants you +10 coolness points.

Cons

He naruto runs, he raided area 51 and lived to tell his story you can’t get to him;

Okay boomers you and flosses, bc you’re out of air from running around like a dumbass after him;

Literal sunshine boy, why would you do this? Besides anger the Sun;

“I’m telling daddy.” / “Daddy is coming.”

Pros

Get that smuggy smile out of his face;

You can tell your friends how you got to punch the Sun.

Cons

No, srsly why would you do this? He’s only seeing the good on you man;

Everyone warned you not to do this, now you must face the consequences of your actions;

Thanos snaps you out of existence while smiling.

Pros

He’s drunk, 80% of the time can’t even walk a straight line;

Doesn’t know how to read;

He’s old and scrawny af, now is your chance to strike.

Cons

The Devon corp. isn’t responsible for any damages caused by their employees, it’s in the contract;

He’s the only member of the Hoenn League who isn’t a coward;

He has killed people in the past, he will have no problem adding a new name to his death list;

His dragons won’t allow you, bc they are on the line to beat Drake up;

He’s actually pretty strong- what;

X’S GONNA GIVE IT TO YA.

Pros

He’s an asshole, he brought this upon himself;

He’s a bastard

“Eat the rich!” You say...

Cons

As you immediately regret it;

Whatever your dreams were, go find something new. You’re not getting it;

Your work just called, you’re fired;

Have you forgotten who he is?;

Beats you up to a pulp, he will make sure it will be seen and understood as nothing more than an accident that you inflicted upon yourself;

He and his lawyers wait for you in the court, they found something to charge you over something;

You will have to pay just for breathing at his general direction;

Don’t forget about his stans.

Pros

Rich, bastard, speaks french........... Clearly deserves a beatdown;

Bastard;

His son(tm) will support you on this;

He just insulted your looks and the way you dress.

Cons

His stans are out for your skin and blood man;

😘 He just flirted with you, oh no now you’ve just fallen for his charm;

He is leading you on and stepping all over you;

After water hosing you with his pokemon, he returns to roasting your looks.

Pros

Former Team magma admin, he must pay for his crimes against humanity!!!

Cons

There was a reason why he was an admin, spoiler alert: it wasn’t because he was a good trainer;

No refunds policy.

Pros

Photographer nerd, deserves some bullying;

Nosy, lucky bastard! He brought it upon himself.

Cons

Why are you doing this to a child???;

You could have simply asked him to delete your picture;

“Daddy is coming” ver 2.0

Pros

Cryptid freak;

Eldritch abomination;

Roark will stan you so hard;

You’ll become a hero in Sinnoh.

Cons

Sweet talks you, about punching Roark instead of him. Because he’s the real nerd here;

He is 2,10 m / 6'11 ft, and his eyes shine bright in the darkness. I feel you’re better off just running away;

He has a lot of angered dogs;

You’ll just disappear, and no one will come looking for you. Not even your friends, or family.

Pros

He cheated on his wife, bc clearly his personal matters/life means he deserves to beaten up;

Not really that fit or healthy to begin with;

Doesn’t believe in God;

The last old guy, now should be your chance.

Cons

Dude, no. It isn’t worth it;

Ignores your threats, lectures you about how much of a disappointment you are to society and your family;

Now you have to write him an essay about why you were wrong, for acting the way you did.

Pros

You’re quirky, you’re NoT lIkE tHe OtHeR gIrLs;

She’s a thot, a whore, basic bitch!!;

That one barbie looking girl, who bullied everyone in school;

She won’t fight back.

Cons

She will #MeTo.o your ass so fucking hard, it won’t even be funny;

Reverse uno cards you, bc you’re threatening and beating up a girl ;);

You have had 0 impact in her life, congratulations.

Pros

“Another rich person to eat.” you say skeptically;

He drinks and uses drugs in parties, must pay the price for his actions;

He is weak and pretty pathetic, easy right?

Cons

You have just broken a safety protocol, you’re a threat, you must be TERMINATED;

"Wow, you’re pretty sad and pathetic huh?” - Steven

A lawsuit from the Devon corp, is coming for your ass. His father, will make sure you’re arrested, for daring to lay on a single hair of his son;

D͉͖̙̳̥͟͡Ŗ̶͙͈̹̦̞̝͓̰͓̖͓̰͇̠̫͓̱͟A̘̪͕̲͓̼̭͇̹̻̭̘̦͇̜̗̬̫͞K̪̱̗̘͎̙̻̱͙̲̯͎̦̥͚̠͢E҉̢̧̡̠̭̘̤̥̺̹̮̘͖͓̥̜̦͇̥͇͍ͅ'̴͘͠͏̗̰͔̮̖͎̞͓̭̲̤̲̪̘S̢̢̫͙̳̺̝̗̙͙͖̞̖̭ͅͅ ͏͏̺͎͓̘͔̥̖̱̻̠̻̬ͅG̶̢̖̺̩̱͍̞͙̺̬͎̩̬͘͜Ó̧̥͈̲̱̫̖̭̩͕̼͈̭͍Ǹ̵̴̡͉̖̱̠̭̝̘͎̺͜Ń̷̢̟͇̥͠ͅA̸̵̧̧͚̲̹̞̝̮̠͇̞̰̞̗̰̖̫͘ ̷̴̺͕͈̝͖̗̻̟̲̘͕̯̞̱̟͚̳́G̸̴̴̲̦̲̜̤̰̗͕̳̥͔͡͝Į̼̘̜̤̰́͠V̴̺̰̳̙̪̻̺̮͕̯́È̸̮͇͇̘̬͠ ̜̠̝͙̘̩͈̺͖̬̲͙̻̭͙̲̬̫̰̀͝I҉̨͟͏̙͙̳̲̼̼̼̺͙͈̱̰̼͎̗̟͇̤T͏̴̪̗̹̝͓͕́͟͞ ̨͈̻̩͎̻̗̹̪̫̗̥͍̦͘͠T̵̀͞҉̮̤̣̜͎͉̭̥̱̙̜̲̰̫̤Ǫ̝̜̥̖̩͕̫͎̜̩̥͕̟̟̞̭͈̩̀ ̸̩̼̭̮̜Y̷̡̧͕̘͉͇͉̱̖̟͔̭̳Á͖͎̱̬͉͕̰̟̦͡

[cristicnox]

𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭  𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐧.

[ XAVIER SERRANO, 21, CISMALE, HE/HIM ] welcome to the du pont institute for the young & gifted, [ CRISTIANO MARQUEZ ]. you have been accepted as a [ REGULAR ] student from [ SPAIN ], going into your [ SENIOR YEAR ] and majoring in [ FINANCE ]. your peers at the institute say that you are [ CHARMING & CAREFREE ], but being [ SELFISH & INSENSITIVE ] may be the reason why the police are asking about you. did you think they wouldn’t find out that you were michael’s [ MICHAEL’S BEST FRIEND ]? [ ADMIN J, 23, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER, EST ]

jocey here again with my second one. this is my trash son, cristian. i say that with love, but srsly, t r a s h. if you would like to plot with him, hit that like button, or hmu on discord!

name : cristiano javier alonzo marquez nickname : cristian age : twenty-one sexuality : heterosexual hometown : madrid, spain major : finance extracurriculars : athletic students association, soccer (centre forward)

━  the marquez family is known to have a bit of a controversial reputation, mostly surrounding how they made their fortune. what started out as a small delivery company decades ago has now expanded to a global empire of sorts. officially, marquez enterprises is a shipping company that controls the major ports in spain, and owns several businesses throughout europe and latin america.

━  but off the books? well, let’s just say there may be rumours that they’re involved in some shady business cough drug cartel? cough and have quite a few shady interesting contacts from all around the world, from politicians to some less than savoury people. regardless, it’s common knowledge that the marquezes are filthy dirty rich, enjoy living extravagantly and lavishly, and are practically seen as spanish royalty in the social scene.

━  arguably the marquez with the most well-known and controversial reputation is cristian - one of the heirs to the marquez fortune, fuckboy extraordinaire with an impressively long list of ex lovers, and all around entitled trust fund brat. he was always expected to be the picture perfect son, to steal the biggest stake in marquez entreprises from his cousin sabina’s family, and to carry on the family legacy. but parents never quite get exactly what they hoped for from their children, do they?

━  eventually, his parents learned that hiring a good PR team and shipping their off to boarding school was easier than forcing him to behave. if there’s one thing you should know about cristian is that he will never do anything if he feels forced into it. still, he did the bare minimum just to keep his parents off his back. he got good grades (whether it was based on his own merits was a completely different story), showed up to important events (granted he was always drunk and late), smiled for photo ops (no complaints there because everyone had to admit he looked good), and charmed the pants off of interviewers and his admirers (quite literally). ━  cristian puts out this very lazy, devil-may-care image of himself, who does not give two shits about anyone other than himself. you could call him a selfish asshole and he'd probably agree with you. most see him as this impulsive, directionless loose cannon, when in fact he actually does think things through and is a lot smarter than people give him credit for. but he just believes that expectations lead to disappointment, so it’s better to not have anyone expect anything of you. he is, however, not so smart when it comes to his love life and is notoriously bad at juggling his booty calls. as in, getting all their names mixed up, and running into a booty call number five, who he’d ghosted, when he was with booty call number eight.

━  is anyone even surprised that cristian was best friends with michael valmont? they were like two peas in a pod, two of the same kind. birds of a feather flocked together after all, don’t they? unlike so many people in michael’s life, cristian never cared all that much about what a dick the guy really was. because, well, he himself was just as big of a dick, if not bigger (he would argue that his is definitely bigger eiogsgjlkg - HE IS TRASH!!!). he often found amusement in michael’s petty antics, but never played a part in them, mostly because it required too much effort on his part. he was always more of the ‘lounging back with scotch on the rocks while he watched michael terrorizing those at the bottom of the pyramid’ type. as long as he wasn’t on the receiving end of this, he couldn’t care less. 

━  except one day, he was. michael had stayed with cristian in spain during spring break. it seemed like since that trip, everything started to go downhill. a couple of blackout idiots, a party gone wrong and too many lines of coke later, they found themselves hurrying back to one of the marquez’s properties, while scrambling to find an alibi. they swore they’d never tell another soul about what happened that night, but michael being michael eventually turned on him. no matter how laid-back and carefree he always came off, cristian was a marquez after all, and the marquezes never let anyone shove them under the bus. like hell he was going to go down for something that michael had an equal part in, best friend or not. two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead - that’s how the saying goes, sí?

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

SQUAD ━  they’re those guys. the popular, rowdy bros who have their own table in the cafeteria, throw the best parties and cause a bunch of mayhem together. just a bunch of obnoxious alpha dudes who think they’re hot shit.  taken by michael valmont, brooks palmero, charming channing, preston chao, daisy kennedy BEST GAL FRIEND / MOM FRIEND  ━  probably one of the few girls he’s managed to not try to hook-up with, or constantly flirt with. someone who helps him remember the names of girls he’s hooked up with plz lol. also secret confidant of sorts - someone who actually knows cristian very well and sees through his lazy rich boy act. maybe they have a platonic sibling type relationship. kind of his moral conscience/good influence when he wants to do dumb rich boy things.  taken by fallon knight UNLIKELY FRIENDS  ━  maybe the last person you’d expect to be friends with cristian. possibly met during a school project or something, and they realized that he’s… actually… not that bad?? despite what everyone says about him and his reputation, he’s not really as big of an asshole as he comes off and is actually kind of tolerable one on one. kind of.  taken by rydel hood ON/OFF  ━  cristian has had a lot of flings and hook-ups, but this person has been the one constant in his life. their “relationship” ( if you can call it that ) is kinda messy, but surprisingly chill. HOOK-UPS/FLINGS/FWBS  ━  whether you like cristian or not, you can’t deny that he’s hella hot. homeboy is bound to have lots of current hook-ups, flings and friends with benefits, whether they mean something or not.  taken by sofia gonzalez-cortes, calla montgomery-amell EX HOOK-UPS/FLINGS/FWBS/ONE NIGHT STANDS  ━  boy has been around the block and back more times than you can count on two hands, so he’s definitely got plenty of exes. especially exes who hate him cuz he’s the worst™.  taken by crimson cooper oops ENEMIES ━ let’s be real, cristian’s the kind of guy who can easily rub people the wrong way. he has like no filter, so his big mouth has pissed off so many people that he’s bound to have enemies. maybe someone who hates him just for being michael’s best friend.  taken by alice coltell #1 SINCE DAY 1  ━  cristian’s best friend since the beginning of time ( or close enough ). met in boarding school, and they’ve been there through all of cristian’s constant shenanigans and wild times.  taken by william acher

das all i got so far. most connections are open to multiple people filling it, unless it’s crossed out. and ofc i’m always open to any ideas not listed here!

[flappingbrickwings]

Lessons learned

I read a story on Medium this week about how if you want to blog every day but don’t know how to come up with ideas you just need to make two lists:

1. Lessons I “teach” in my writing.

2. Encounters I have every day.

The idea is you write down things that happen to you and then cross reference them against the main ideas you try to get across in your writing. Like, “That guy at Starbucks was a total douchebag but he reminded me that cargo pants really aren’t for everyone.” I’m guessing this method is geared more for “content creators” with something to sell, but could it also work when the only “lesson” is that I’m kind of a loser? 

Here’s how I “grew” this week.

I learned that the generation after Millennials, who are now old enough to buy their own shit (i.e. marketable) assuming they can actually get jobs, are called “iGen,” and 60% of them have communicated using only emojis. Which made me realize I totally have my finger on the pulse because I too prefer to communicate by emoji because they’re just so damn good at capturing my exact sentiment (i.e. ever-present sense of impending doom.) 😕

Our preschool shares a tiny parking lot with the Armenian Council on Aging (for real - their Yelp listing says it’s the “Armenian-American Council on Aging” but their sign definitely does not). As far as I can tell it’s just a bunch of old Armenian people sitting around in suits playing chess and giving us young’ns dirty looks. When I dropped Billie off yesterday I parked on their side of the parking lot because our side was full. There’s no sign that says their side and our side. It’s just one of those things. When I came back to my car a man who’d just parked next to me jabbed his key in my face and said, “This no you parking, that you parking,” then spat on the ground and shuffled off to play chess. 

This was a real dick move because there were two more empty spaces next to me, it’s not like I stole the last spot. Yes, I did take the one that’s easiest to get out of due to the size and geometry of the other spaces and the general dwarfism of the lot. But I was literally there for three minutes. If he’d waited 30 seconds longer he could’ve taken my space. However, I did learn that I’m still not old enough to not take things personally and that being scolded by a stranger makes you feel like even more like a turdburger than being called on your shit by someone you actually care about. (What’s up with that?)

Okay this one technically didn’t happen to me but I’m going to use it anyway. The other day Sash was about to get on the 2 when a cop pulled up behind him, flashed his lights and called over the loudspeaker, “Sir, pull over. Do not get on the freeway.” He pulled over under the underpass (About three feet away from the City of LA) and two cops came to either side of his car. He gave them his license, registration, etc. They asked if he had anything in the car they should know about. “Just my drums officer,” he said, cos he’s fucking metal. Then they asked him if he knew it was illegal to have your windshield tinted, to which he replied, “Ummm....” and then more police cars pulled up and they told him to get out of the car and keep his hands where they could see them while they searched the vehicle. 

Now we appreciate the GPD, especially with that whole crazy neighbor situation and having heard horror stories about how long it takes LAPD to show up (or not show up) but this seemed a bit aggressive. Sash sat on the curb knowing he didn’t have anything to hide and wondering what the fuck was going on while a young officer who was probably named Chip bounced around asking him about his tattoos and his drums and his favorite bands. A drug-sniffing dog appeared on the scene and a minute later Sash heard one of the cops say, “There’s a white baggie under the accelerator.” 

Wait, what?

Turns out the whole thing was a practice exercise. For the dog. They pulled him over because of his windshield - not because they give a shit but because they need a legal reason to pull someone over - and because he wasn’t a dick decided he’d make a good guinea pig. I guess they don’t legally have to inform you they’re doing this?  

This was a dick move because this was right down the street from where we live andit would have really embarrassing if, say, his daughter’s preschool teacher (who probably suspects he’s a criminal anyway) happened to drive past on her way to stock up on dinosaur nuggets and saw him sitting in the homeless encampment surrounded by five police cars and an excited drug dog. Also he could have had somewhere important to be. (Srsly. We grown ups.) 

So I learned that it doesn’t pay to not be a dick to the Glendale Police. 

All in all a pretty insightful week.

[shadowednavi]

Watching the original Twin Peaks. I am on episode 4. Feel free to block "tricia watches twin peaks" if you do not want to read my liveblogging. Also sorry I am on mobile so I can't readmore until I get to a computer lol - Harry and Lucy have immense patience for Agent Cooper's bullshit. He is adorable but HOW DO YOU FORGET THE NAME Albert can fuck right off though. Agent Cooper can lay the smackdown when he needs to thank goodness So many of these people look the same but I'm doing my best to remember names. I'm having a hard time differentiating Mr. Horn and Leeland Palmer, which makes things really awkward because one is a complete jackass and the other is just trying. Norma and Shelly(?) are also throwing me. At least one of them has a face punch now so that helps distinguish them They are doing a very good job making Leo reprehensible, but I don't think he did it. Doesn't stop him from being a dick though Bobby is super extra. Those eyes have more personality than he does, and he's OH OKAY NOPE HIS VOICE IS MORE POWERFUL WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM Actually scratch that, Audrey is the epitome of extra holy shit though bobby is close Jeez this examination is brutal. Albert doesn't need to make it worse. AGENT COOPER COMES TO SAVE THE DAY AGAIN. TOAST THAT JACKASS. Time for the funeral? Nope we get to see Ed and his batshit wife again. just look at his eyes when she kisses him. he is dead inside. She's talking about how he had a thing for Norma in high school. I don't think that went away, just based on his interaction with her at the diner. he took a bullet srsly Wait is Audrey sneaking into a secret passage behind the wall? WHO ARE YOU HOLY SHIT Wait what hold up that's the doctor and oh that's her brother okay. Thought it was bobby that is less weird. To see literally everyone together in the same space is kinda surreal, but a reminder that they all live in the same place and are all connected. oh okay bobby THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW SHUT YOUR VERY LARGE MOUTH look at what you did you broke the thing leeland. your grief is too large and heavy Agent Cooper: matchmaker. Or at least match identifier. Thank you for being a light in this dark ass story. Oh okay so there's a secret society of ghostbusters? So far it's Harry, Ed, and Hawk involved. James too? Oh okay there's a dude tied up for drugs? Whose brother is he again? Huh... leo needs to stop. OH SHIT SHELLY HAS A GUN SHE GON MAKE HIM STOP YOU GO GIRL FUCK HIM UP Katherine just found the books Josie had kept hiding? Or wait, they were books SHE had been hiding that Josie found, and she moved them to a new spot to fsk things up and hide them again? Ugghhhh this liveblog is going to be so helpful when things inevitably get more convoluted later so apologies to anyone reading who's just like "wtf is this blow by blow report calm down tricia" Dr. Jacobi at Laura's grave. Laura really changed ~everyone~ didn't she. But I guess that's the mystery, yeah? How could this straight and narrow girl lead such a fucked up double life to the point where she drowned herself (I assume right now the cause of death was driven to suicide, based on James' report. We'll see what happens when we learn more). And then you have the VERY OBVIOUS TRAUMA SHE ENDURED right before she died, and you have to wonder how long that's been going on? Hopefully the Pulaski girl has more to say on that when she opens up, poor girl D: So they both worked at the perfume counter, and they both endured an unspeakable hell. How many others were there? Agent Cooper said there were two other cases he'd seen with letters under their fingernails and this falls in line with those same cases, but i don't remember if he ever said where. Hm. I feel like the conversation about dream souls was important, but leeland's being sad again so we get to focus on him now. God it's not your funeral, chill omg - So that's the end of the episode. Kudos to you if you stuck it out with me! There will be more later. But for now it's time to draw :D

[baahsu]

Do you hv any theories/idea about the jap bst mv?

First things first, use jpn instead because what you used there is a slur.

Now, about the mv, it is on drugs. The boys are on drugs. Whoever created it was on drugs. And bighit is on drugs too.

The only theory I’m willing to accept is Jungkook was hallucinating Yoongi was there with him because I can’t accept the fact Yoongi would just leave him there after running after him and looking so concerned, it’d make no sense. So, Jungkook got drugged by Namjoon (like wtf, this makes no sense either), ran to the bathroom, thought Yoongi was there helping him and passed out. And there was some smoke there too because why not.

Tae/jin’s fight was pure???????? They went from basically kissing each other to throwing punches at each other and I don’t get it and I don’t care.

Hobi was throwing darts at Tae too and? What even makes sense in this mv, like srsly

Jimin and Hobi dancing doesn’t really connect to anything either except maybe to each other, and even then what is that supposed to mean??

Then Jimin was walking away from Yoongi, then saw himself with Yoongi and flew away. Literally. Can’t get more on drugs than that. Like wtf man, he just flew into space, I had to laugh. Also what’s with Yoongi covering his eyes (btw it makes no sense that he’s the one doing it and not Hobi, but let’s ignore that), he’s clearly (?) keeping Jimin from seeing/doing something, but what is that something and why? I don’t get it and again, I don’t care.

Lastly, Jin saying “it’s been a while” to Namjoon at the end… Has it been a while? Has it now??? A while since when or since what? It hasn’t been a while, everyone was always there, unless Jin was actually dead during hyyh and now they’re all dead too. Or the opposite. If that’s not it than that scene also makes no sense. But what’s new at this point…

Basically I only care about yoonkook and fuck the rest (tbh yoon/kook is still confusing, because Jungkook hallucination and Yoongi leaving him behind are two very different things and bighit couldn’t bother to be clear with it). I’m so fucking done with this story already I don’t care about the plot or any theories anymore, I just want bighit to get yoonkook to hold hands or hug or kiss and end this shit.

[mika-shion]

Late-night Revelation

Sorry guys, it's like....2 in the morning but I haven't said a word in a while and I thought you should have at least some idea of what's been wrong with me recently.... I'm just..... I'm so.... so tired. Everything I found I was passionate about is fucking depressing me. Talking with my friends is more taxing than it used to be. I'm too tired to draw or too busy to sing. Which doesn't really matter cuz I'm getting worse by the day anyway. My stories are growing stale in my head while I try to develop them. My friends are either becoming distant or they're turning into unbearable jerks(Connor). Then there's my future: I can't even fucking comprehend living on my own cuz I can't manage working any available job. I've got no long term goals outside of Y-3K, which btw might as well be dead at this point. And then there's me. I can't concentrate, can't sleep, can't eat right. Can't talk, take care of myself, care about myself, can't express much anymore outside of anger, frustration, depression, or apathy. I can't even cry unless I'm physically talking to someone about any of these. Even now I'm just barely on the verge of tears but that apparently doesn't cut it anymore. I'm too desensitized. I'm a mess and can't find the bliss I need in life. If not for me having a small, indefinable chunk of hope somewhere in me, I'd say I wanna die. ....is this even hope? I couldn't tell you. I'd rather call it that than instinct tbh, cuz that's more so what it feels like. ........... My mom has been really sick this past week, coughing A LOT. Sounds painful and I've been told it might be whooping cough. AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT, She's gotta work still. Literally no other options for us. My dad and sister are working too but I don't think my sister actually helps w the bills(could be wrong) and my dad doesn't seem to provide much.. But I guess this is another conversation all on it's own. ...I guess I'm at the point in my life where those around me are forced to consider their own mortality. Because of that, I've somehow managed to do the same. Mostly for those around me though. ....Thinking about how I'd react if my mom died, like... tomorrow or smth. ......I'd honestly do literally anything and everything I could. Gash my arms open, OD, chug bleach, drown myself, jump off a building. Just whatever would be the quickest and most convenient at the time I found out... Cuz I wouldn't be able to survive on my own, certainly not right now anyway. I guess I wouldn't be alone, my sisters, my dad... I guess, god mother, I'd have people. But I've been through so many changes recently that I still haven't been able to process that one big thing like that would be too much. That'd be the straw that broke my camel's back. I'd need an immediate out. Meaning I'd either start some srsly hard drugs, which the thought of fucking disgusts me btw, of I'd die. No other way around it. I wanna live, I really do. But I've been beaten down too much, I couldn't take it. And I definitely can't live on mt own right now, if fucking ever. Cuz I'm too much of a fucking wuss to work any job out there. Whether it's cuz of the days or the tasks within the job itself. I'm just too scared. I'd just be a pathetic burden and I feel disgusting... ........ I wish I had some sort of resolve for this one like I do for most of these, but I just can't find it. .......someone I care about called themselves "broken" recently....that sounds like a p accurate description for me rn. Now I know damn well that's not true, but that won't stop me from saying it. .....fuck I wish I wasn't born xD