#spoonie marriage

[mental-mona]

How to have a happy (Jewish) caregiver/dependent marriage - part 3

Early in our marriage, my chronic illnesses got so bad that DH was stuck as my caregiver for many months despite his fibromyalgia, and he still does the vast majority of the housework. We have always been happy, and people always asked us how we did it. This is a part of an essay I wrote to explain it and to advise those who might find themselves in similar situations. It incorporates all of my thoughts, some of DH's thoughts, and some suggestions from others. This piece discusses specifically religious Jewish marriages more than the previous two. Part 1, for the dependent, is here. Part 2, for the caregiver, is here.

Part 3 - for both partners:

Let’s talk about food for a while. You don’t realize how huge a part of life food is until you have issues cooking it, your tummy is rumbling, and a lot of easy-prep processed food has ingredients one of you can’t eat. Fortunately, there are ways to feed yourselves no matter what kind of shape you’re in.

First off, don't worry about eating something different every night; make double batches of things and plan your meals such that one dish or set of dishes will last you for several meals. You can always freeze leftovers if it seems that you have more than you can eat before they go bad. Though this is not always possible, ideally every week you would cook for a few hours on Sunday and have food through Thursday night, then cook for however long on Thursday or Friday and have food for Shabbat. I've been told that if you get really good at this and you two have the energy and freezer space, you can plan a whole month's worth of meals at once, spend a day or two cooking them, freeze them, and just thaw and reheat them as you need them.

Speaking of freezing, make sure that your freezer is stocked with meals that can just be popped in the microwave/oven/toaster to make them ready to eat. It doesn't matter whether these are TV dinners, frozen leftovers, or dishes you specifically cooked for this purpose; the point is that if you don't have anything filling in the fridge and you are both too tired to cook dinner, there should be something there for you. However, you really do need your pantry and fridge to be stocked as well as your freezer because lunches can also be problematic, and even for supper you don’t always want to wait for frozen stuff to thaw and reheat. Make sure that you always have relatively healthy food which requires little to no preparation; things like yogurt, fruit, cereal, cheese, cold cuts, and even trail mix are good. So are leftovers in the fridge which just need to be reheated, unless the dependent generally has so little energy that the extra step involved there is too much. If one of you has issues with nausea, make sure to stock up on whatever food they can reliably keep down.

I will also note that there is no problem with having "his and hers" food in the house, especially if you're both on special diets. If you can afford it, occasionally allow one of you to treat themselves to restaurant food which the other can't eat, or conversely the expensive thing which is the only restaurant food one of you can eat. Treats can be sanity savers.

On an equally practical but less happy note, understand that occasionally you will need to swap roles because the caregiver got a nasty infection or is having a terrible day with their own chronic illness. Sometimes it's a question of "ok, who's more functional at this moment?" than it is caregiver/dependent, and if you're both completely down for the count and calling a friend or relative is either not an option or wouldn't be helpful, then chores won't get done and dinner will be whatever snack food or other no-prep food you feel like eating which your stomachs will accept. It happens, and it's not the end of the world.

Now that we’re done with your joint efforts to feed yourselves, let’s discuss a bit of joint emotional effort. A really, REALLY good ritual to get into is that after you sing “Eishet Chayil” on Friday night, you take turns listing a few things which you're grateful that the other did that week. (If you don’t sing “Eishet Chayil,” pick another set time for this weekly ritual.) It can be something as minor as one of you genuinely listening to the other about something or as major as one of you spending the night at the other's side in the hospital; the point is to recognize that you're both bringing something into the marriage. Try to vary it a bit from week to week. This contributes immensely to shalom bayit (home harmony) as it forces you two to both think about what good things the other has done for you that week and realize that something which seemed minor to one of you when you did it was actually a big deal to the other. I have found this ritual to be marital glue whenever my husband and I have a particularly rough week together.

Of course, a happy marriage takes more than weekly gratitude check-ins. The absolute best thing you can do for yourselves is learn to regularly communicate your feelings and needs in nice, constructive ways. You want to be upfront but polite with each other if you're upset about something, and use “I statements” rather than “you statements.” The goal is to express how you feel and what you need from each other without blame, e.g. “I’m annoyed that I’m washing four bowls every day when I only used one. Could you please either use fewer dishes or wash what you use?” (For more on this subject, see pretty much anything by renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman.) Sometimes a simple “I’d appreciate it if you…” is all you need. Other times, a chat along the lines of “I think we have different definitions of ‘easy’ here; can we please discuss that so we can get back on the same wavelength?” is helpful. As long as you’re fixing misunderstandings and expressing your needs nicely, you’re doing well.

Let’s take a short but vital detour: You may both think you know what you’re signing up for before you get married, but more issues may pop up later for either of you, either because of medication side effects which are virtually indistinguishable from chronic illness or because for whatever reason one of you actually has a known condition get dramatically worse or has a whole new one pop up. Preferably before you get married, you two need to discuss what you’ll do should more issues pop up before anything actually goes wrong. The more the dependent deteriorates, the harder it’s going to get, and that could easily make the caregiver resentful or simply burn out, leading to fights. You’ll both be amazed at what you can and are willing to do for love, but love will only take you so far. To the caregiver, I meant what I said earlier in your section about periodically checking in with yourself.

Getting back to our original subject but relevant to the detour: so far we’ve mostly been looking at what you two can do by yourselves, but no caregiver/dependent couple can care for themselves in every way even most of the time. Don't be afraid to ask for outside help, whatever that looks like for you. It might be a home health aide if one of you requires help with absolutely everything. It might be friends and relatives to cook meals to stock your freezer and maybe feed you if both of you are done in, or someone to come over and help the dependent out for a few hours so the caregiver gets a break, or people to drive the dependent to doctor appointments. It might simply be a separate sympathetic ear for each of you. Whatever it is that you need, if your friends and family can't do it, there are probably religious, volunteer, social, and/or professional organizations that can. Take advantage of them.

[affixjoy]

Guys I’m having such a rough pain day. Woke up at 5 am crying from it, all my usual stuff and some new stuff barely took the edge off. Probably the worst pain day I’ve had in years, I’m just miserable.

Husband took the kiddo on a little adventure so I could rest, and asked if I wanted anything from the toy store. I jokingly said yeah, anything Star Trek, and look at what they brought home for me!!!

My guys! Ready for adventures!

(And romance)

[mental-mona]

How to have a happy caregiver/dependent marriage - part 2

Early in our marriage, my chronic illnesses got so bad that DH was stuck as my caregiver for many months despite his fibromyalgia, and he still does the vast majority of the housework. We have always been happy, and people always asked us how we did it. This is a part of an essay I wrote to explain it and to advice those who might find themselves in similar situations. It incorporates all of my thoughts, some of DH's thoughts, and some suggestions from others. Part 1, for the dependents, is here.

Part 2 - for the caregiver:

Recognize that your spouse is probably just as frustrated by their illness(es) as you are. They might try to do something that goes against doctor's orders and/or their actual abilities, and in doing so risk problems much greater than the inconveniences of ordinary caring for them. If this happens, gently but firmly remind them that you'd much rather bring them things in the bedroom than take a trip to the ER because they fell trying to walk around with horrible vertigo. Your spouse's frustration might also cause them to lash out at you or cry to you about how horrible it is to be dependent on you. If they do that, try to refrain from snapping back or reminding them how difficult it is for you to care for them, (trust me, they almost certainly know,) and instead acknowledge that they’re upset but ask them to vent their feelings to someone else if you can't handle them.

If you're annoyed or angry about a caregiving situation rather than your spouse's actual behavior, make it very clear to your spouse that you're not annoyed at them. Making your spouse feel like they’re the cause of your aggravation only makes them feel bad, and may cause the above behaviors. Nobody likes to feel like a burden, and putting the blame on the situation rather than the person takes some of the pressure off.

However, if you find yourself resenting something your spouse does which is within their control, bring it up ASAP and work it out with them. It's better for both of you if your spouse knows that you would prefer advance notice about their doctor appointments so that you're not blindsided with an "oh by the way I might need you to drive me to x doctor tomorrow;" not saying anything when it's on your mind but snapping at them every time it happens just leaves you annoyed and your spouse feeling bad that they’re always inconveniencing you. Don't expect your spouse to take a hint about anything; they may be too brain-fogged and/or wrapped up in their pain to do so. If you have an issue, just say it straight. Remember, you're a caregiver, not a martyr.

In addition, your spouse may complain a lot about how much pain they’re in and such like. Sympathize to the extent that you can, but if you're feeling overwhelmed by their needs and/or life in general, it's fine to ask them to take their feelings to a friend instead. Try to remember that even if you have a chronic illness of your own, even if it's the exact same illness as your spouse, your spouse's symptoms may not be as well-controlled as yours, they may have a lower pain tolerance, or they may have a whole different set of symptoms which you don't.

Remember, emotional care of your spouse is not just about minimizing the negatives. It’s vital to make it clear to your spouse that you love them and appreciate them even though it's hard taking care of them. A random "I love you" is always nice, as are reminders of what you see in them that makes you love them so much and thanks for doing whatever chores they’re able to do.

Now, let’s discuss the practical side of caregiving. First off, prioritize chores and general life. Honest, the house doesn't need to be spotless; it's much more important that food be prepared, clothes be laundered, your career be on track, and that you have both together time and "me time." As long as you're not living in filth, you're fine.

If you really need your spouse's help with something or it would just be better for both of you if they did a particular chore, check in with them on whether they’re capable of doing it, and try to arrange things so that they’re doing that necessary thing if at all possible while you handle other chores. For example, if you're having guests over and your spouse’s stuff is strewn all over the living room, obviously you want them to clean that up rather than you. However, if you plan to ask them to clean up the living room the day before the guests are coming or worse yet the day of, there's a good chance that they won't be able to help. Ask them at least a few days in advance so that they know that if they’re having a good day or even a good few hours, cleaning up the living room should be their priority.

Speaking of needing your spouse’s help, don’t forget to help yourself! If you have to care for your partner 24/7, you will burn out very quickly, especially if you have no outlet for your frustrations. Make a point of taking time for yourself at least once a week and preferably every day. This might mean setting up your spouse with everything they'll need for an hour or three and going to another room with the understanding that you are to be left in peace if at all possible, or it might mean having someone else take care of your spouse for that time while you go to a cultural event at the library. You should make sure to use your “me time” wisely; for example, if you're a very social person then you should probably be using it to connect with friends in some way rather than play solo video games, whereas if you just need to let off steam then killing digital monsters might be precisely what you need. If you have a particular hobby or stress-reducing activity you like, do that; bonus points if you can virtually share it with friends.

There are other sanity savers to consider as well. You should make a point of keeping in semi-frequent touch with sympathetic friends, and it would probably be a good idea to join a caregiver support group - online or real life, doesn't matter - if you can find the time. Occasionally, if your budget allows for it, go buy yourself something just because you want to. Again, you are not a martyr to your spouse's needs; you are allowed to go to a concert without them or subscribe to a streaming service or buy something for your hobby just because it will make you feel good. However, make sure that you'll actually use whatever it is you buy or it's not worth it.

Now we come to the toughest part of maintaining your sanity: checking in with yourself periodically to make sure that you're not in over your head, and figuring out what you want to do about it if you are. If the thought of your partner becoming even more disabled makes you appreciate the thought of taking on more of the caregiver role, then you need to get out of martyr mode and figure out what's really behind that thought. If the thought of your spouse becoming more disabled makes you want to walk away, then it's time to figure out where that thought came from and if necessary, reevaluate what you're capable of handling. If that thought is truly coming from a feeling that you're in over your head, either get outside help or, terrible as this sounds, find a way to transition them to another caregiver as you walk away. In any of these situations, getting therapy for yourself would probably be a good idea.

We’ve been talking a lot about maintaining your mental health, but don't neglect your physical health either! You can't care for your spouse properly and your spouse will worry if your digestive tract is all kinds of messed up, so make a doctor appointment or two for yourself to get that checked out. Even if that rash on your chest doesn’t itch, it's still a problem, so when you get the chance go see a dermatologist. The bottom line is that you need to be both mentally and physically healthy to be able to be a good caregiver.

[crazycatsiren]

How dare my husband love me and support me by making me do things that are good for me, like going for walks, keep going to occupational therapy and psychotherapy, going to the doctors for my aches and pains, and...

[spoonie-on-wheels86]

[spoonie-living]

This is such a great bill, but please be aware of the limits and don't get your hopes up.

Anyway, while you're here, please consider taking a moment to contact your house reps and senators (Text "Sign PMOJLC" to 50409; this is Resist Bot, an easy and free tool) to tell them to support house bill 5408 and senate bill 2767.

More info:

https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/house-bill/5408

https://href.li/?https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/senate-bill/2767

there's currently misinformation going around tumblr about what the SSI marriage penalty is, so this is my attempt to explain it in plain language.

when you marry someone who is not on SSI, and you are on SSI, their income is counted as your income. your SSI will be docked according to their income from then on. if their income outstrips your SSI (maximum SSI is $914 a month as of 2023), you will be ineligible for SSI from then on.

if two people on SSI get married, their maximum SSI benefits are reduced by 25%. they no longer get SSI as individuals, they get SSI as a couple, which is 25% less money than individuals are eligible for.

collectively, these two processes are known as the marriage penalty.

some news outlets are currently (September 2023) incorrectly reporting a bill as removing the marriage penalty. this is false. the bill is changing the savings cap for married couples on SSI. the savings cap is the amount of money you are allowed to save in your personal account before being kicked off SSI. this is different from the marriage penalty, and outlets referring to them as the same are conflating two different laws that apply to SSI recipients. please do not assume based on mis-worded news articles that you can get married without losing your income and health care if this bill passes. you may be putting yourself in danger by doing so.

[mcbeamon]

Day 21: Christmas Sweater Countdown - Free Yourself

Ever felt stuck in your life? I know I have. I’ve felt like I’m not progressing in my career or in my writing. I could bear it if, at the same time, I didn’t feel stagnant in my personal life too, especially when it comes to finding a new home.  I find the best way to free myself is to take action. To do something, anything to make a change. This month it’s funny, ugly Christmas sweaters and…

[guessthatrec-poll]

Guess That Rec: Round 1, Poll 32

Rec #63

Do you like strong, autistic-coded female protagonists? With disabled love interests? (This one even identifies as a spoony!) How about multiple neurospicy supporting characters? Well, this has all of that, plus an arranged marriage, fake dating, ~gal pals~, and some really unique sibling relationships!

Rec #64

It's a coming-of-age story about friendship, found family, and learning that you can be who you want to be. There's many canonically queer characters, including lesbian and bisexual main characters, a few trans coded characters, and even a non-binary character. There's also many disabled characters, including a canonically blind main character and autistic coded characters! It's got enemies to lovers (and enemies and lovers ;)), forced proximity (>//<), rivals to lovers, love triangles!!! and secret romance. not to mention the strong female characters! more than half of the main characters are female! but get this… it all happens… IN SPACE!! You've got to read it!!

[esoteric-chaos]

Beltane Masterpost - Spoonie Witch Friendly

Beltane, also called Bealtaine or May Day is celebrated on May 1st in the Northern Hemisphere (November 1st in the Southern Hemisphere). However, some people choose to celebrate the exact halfway point between the Spring Equinox and Summer Solstice.

Beltane is a Gaelic May Day festival. It is traditionally celebrated once the sun sets on April 30th in the Northern Hemisphere (October 31st in the Southern Hemisphere) and continues on until sunset on May 1st.

With Beltane we celebrate fire, fertility and the return of life after its long slumber. Beltane is associated with creativity, prosperity, hope, fertility, and sexuality.

Beltane Correspondences

Colours

Green

Light Blue

Yellow

Purple

Pink

White

Brown

Herbal

Mint

Lemon Balm

Willow

Birch

Snapdragons

Roses

Lilacs

Violets

Daffodils

Daisies

Ivy

Lily of the Valley

Foxglove

Mugwort

and many more

Edibles

Honey

Wine

Lemonade

Strawberries

Spring Greens

Cherries

Dairy Products

Animals

Rabbits

Cows

Sheep

Bees

Robins

Hawks

Frogs

Doves

Crystals, Metals and Minerals

Rose Quartz

Jade

Aventurine

Garnet

Emerald

Tourmaline

Gold

Copper

Symbols

Flowers

Maypole

Fire

Handfasting

Sex

Floral crowns

Seeds

Fae

Wreaths

Ribbons

Spiritual Meanings

Prosperity

Fertility

Self-improvement

Marriage

Cleansing

Love

Lust

Sexuality

Manifestation

Strength

Protection

Scents

Mint

Lemon

Vanilla

Jasmine

Rose

Lilac

Floral

Gods / Goddesses / Spirits

May Queen – (Celtic)

Artemis – (Greek)

Flora - (Roman)

Hera - (Greek)

Persephone - (Greek) UPG

Aphrodite – (Greek)

Diana - (Roman)

Venus (Roman)

Freya - (Norse)

Bast - (Egyptian)

Asmodeus - (Demon) UPG

Herne/ Horned god

Faunus/ Pan – (Greek)

Priapus – (Greek)

Apollon - (Greek)

Apollo - (Roman)

Cernunnos – (Celtic)

Odin – (Norse)

The Green Man

Bacchus - (Greek)

Bes (Egyptian)

Bel – (Celtic)

Oak King - (Pagan)

Need some suggestions to celebrate? I've got you covered.

High-energy celebrations and ritual

Handfasting ceremony (pagan marriage ritual)

Protection ritual

Reworking wards

Sex magic

Bondfire

Divination

Fae offerings

Garden

Low energy celebrations

Growth tarot spread

Creation of flower crowns or garlands

Lighting candles or a fireplace

Microwave mug recipes

No energy celebrations

Rest

Using a sun lamp to bask in

Practicing self-love

Drink flora tea with honey

How you celebrate the holiday does not matter. You can choose to do any activity that feels right. These are only suggestions and remember that you're enough no matter what.

Also, please note some stuff is UPG. A great book is Year of the Witch by Temperance Alden, which honours the celebrations and if you want to work more seasonally. It's not Wiccan-based and has plenty of resources for every witch.

Feel free to post how you celebrate in the comments or reblogs!

Want to see more of my posts? Check out my Wheel of the Year Masterpost or my Main Masterpost.

Sources:

[mental-mona]

How to have a happy caregiver/dependent marriage part 1

Early in our marriage, my chronic illnesses got so bad that DH was stuck as my caregiver for many months despite his fibromyalgia, and he still does the vast majority of the housework. We have always been happy, and people always asked us how we did it. This is a part of an essay I wrote to explain it and to advise those who might find themselves in similar situations. It incorporates all of my thoughts, some of DH's thoughts, and some suggestions from others.

Part 1 - For the dependent:

Don't try to be a hero. If you're unsure if you're up to a task, it's better to simply ask your caregiver spouse to do it rather than try to push yourself to do it. I know you want to be independent, but when your body gives out on you and you collapse in the middle of cooking dinner then your spouse will have to take over anyway, and then you will be out of energy, your spouse will be grumpy because they'll be doing work they didn't expect to do, and dinner will be burned. If your spouse knows ahead of time that they’re in charge of dinner, then you will have the energy to actually eat dinner, there will be much less friction, and dinner will be fine even if it's takeout. Similarly, if you're not up to a vital task at the moment but think you might be later when your meds kick in or whatever, don't keep delaying until the last minute before deciding that no, you really can't do it. You're much better off discussing it with your spouse and deciding on a cutoff time by which if you are not feeling up to the task, they will do it.

However, if you're actually having a good day, do whatever high-priority chores you're capable of. Check in with your spouse about what they consider high-priority, because it may not be the same as what you consider high-priority. You might be itching to clean the bathroom, but if your spouse would prefer you do the laundry because they can never remember which of your stuff needs special care, do the laundry. Remember, your spouse is caring for you and has a good idea of what needs to happen when and what they’re capable of; sadly, you as the dependent don't necessarily have that perspective.

Even if you rarely have good days, if possible, have at least one chore that is specifically yours. This gives you a sense of usefulness and takes at least a tiny bit of the load off of your spouse. Your spouse can do everything else, but this particular thing is yours to handle. It should be something which you're fairly good at and don't terribly mind. For example, I plan menus for my husband and me for the week. My husband is great at shopping and cooking, but he can't plan meals for more than a day or two. I on the other hand am not up to shopping and cooking, but I have a ton of recipes to hand and can plan a full week at once. I can even plan around guests' dietary needs as well as my own, which is saying something considering my own dietary restrictions. You and your spouse can probably work out a similar arrangement with some aspect of your lives.

On another practical note, try to be considerate to your spouse, and don't make them get up four times in a row for your needs. If you're bedridden, tell them everything you need at once, or at least as fast as they can get to it. "Ok, I need food, tea, a water bottle refill, and my vitamins" is much better than "Honey, can you get me some food?," significant break, "Can I get some tea?," significant break, "Would you mind refilling my water bottle?," significant break, "Oh wait, I forgot, I need my vitamins!" Even if your spouse can't remember everything you said at once, just coaching them through it one by one while they're still up and moving around works better than bothering them a million times. If you need a second helping of food, then oh well, some things are unavoidable, but better two trips than four or five.

Now we get into aspects of your relationship that are both practical and emotional. To start with, for the love of everything holy let your spouse have some time to themselves every day or at least every week if at all possible. They need a break from caregiving or they'll go crazy. Have them settle you in with whatever you anticipate needing for an hour or three, then entertain yourself or take a nap while they chat with friends or do whatever will help them relax. Alternatively, have a close friend or family member who's willing to help you out come over and give your spouse a chance to get out of the house for a change.

Even if you give your spouse “me time,” they might still seem annoyed by some of the things they have to do for you. Don't take it personally. Caregiver burnout is real, and even if they’re not burned out, a little resentment and/or annoyance is inevitable. To minimize this, do the best you can to communicate with your spouse and make it so that they will be inconvenienced as little as possible, e.g. syncing Google calendars so you both know when your doctors’ appointments are in case your spouse has to drive you to them, and doing necessary personal things when you're having a good day instead of putting them off and forcing your spouse to do them when they become critical and you're having a bad day.

Now we come to the purely emotional aspects of your contribution to your marriage, which are at least as important as the physical and logistical ones. It sounds strange to start a paragraph with the word “contribution” and then tell you what not to do, but trust me, this matters: make sure that you don't dump all of your feelings on your spouse. Doing that will just burden them more, as well as make you overly emotionally dependent on them. Neither of those is conducive to shalom bayit (a peaceful home). Find a support group - doesn't matter online or real life - and/or have a circle of friends whom you can cry to as necessary.

Most importantly of all, be emotionally available to your spouse and make it clear that you love, support, and appreciate them. Ask them about their day at work, and genuinely listen when they vent about the idiot client they had to deal with. Be their shoulder to cry on when their grandmother dies, even if you're too ill to go to the funeral. If you hear them getting upset about something, go hug them if you can. Thank them when they help take care of you and do nice things for you, apologize when you seriously inconvenience them, but don't go overboard with “thank-you”s and apologies for needing care because that just makes both of you feel weird and awkward. Also, a random "I love you" never hurts, as long as it's sincere.

[icyxmischief]

This is me in tears at 2 am with insomnia on my phone, so forgive the lack of graphics and formatting. It's important to get this out while I still have the nerve.

With the SOLE EXCEPTION of THIS blog, I think I'm getting too old for (Tumblr) rp. This is not because of some arbitrary societal timeline, but because what gave me joy and stimulation now rarely does. Trying to get people to write with me now consistently makes me feel sad, stressed, indifferently passed over, or uninteresting, where other parts of my life do not generate these feelings. I thought it was burnout at first, because last spring was the worst 3 months of my life to date, a genuine nightmare involving every one of my worst fears. Now I'm not so sure.

In fact, the happier I become IRL, the less engaged I am in the realm of fiction in general. Maybe that's normal. I've addressed this before: I am about to get engaged and after marriage we intend to adopt our first child. My mind is on things I've waited for for over 20 years. I never expected that someone this good would fall in love with a high-maintenance spoonie like me, and here it is.

However, the complicating factor is this: is writing really stressful and painful, or is it Tumblr: the dwindling active rpc, the refusal of new members to reblog content, the abrasive behaviors of (ironically, poorly educated) cancel culture, and so on?

I'm very proud of this blog. I'm not going to leave it, even though I miss the early 2010s, when I got between 5 and 25 asks per day. However, I think a trial period of hiatus on all my other rp accounts, at least until the New Year, is the best course for my mental and physical wellbeing. During this time, I'll be writing regularly for all these muses on Discord. Send an Ask if you have a muse and want my Discord username. @janzoo @sweetdreamr @constancychaos @immortalled @mostincrediblechange @bestnoncannonship @rapxir @captaincoffee91 @dopepoisonivyoncrack @nickcagestrufflehog @divinethief @saanphoenix @anywherexwhen and anyone else I forgot, find me there and I'll happily continue writing my muses with you.

Thanks for reading and for allowing me space to grow into my new needs. ❤️

[haveyoureadthistransbook]

Sotto Voce by Suzanne Clay

goodreads

Harmony Stevens spends her mornings running errands for pay and her nights working the midnight shift at Sunrise Diner. Yes, her life might be small, but after putting her own dreams on hold long ago to serve as caregiver for her recently-deceased mother, there is little for her to pursue outside of Clover Hill. With too many debts to pay and too many regretful memories in her silent home, she can’t imagine living big and pursuing music like she’d always planned. Her one bright spot is a handsome insomniac regular at work by the name of Oliver—until the moment she sees a new wedding band on his finger. Years ago, Garrett and Oliver Quaite made a home in Clover Hill, where spoonie Garrett could give vocal lessons from the comfort of home and Oliver could offer affordable telehealth therapy services to the local community. Though ardently devoted to each other, their massive hearts led them to open their marriage years ago. There are always new passions, joys, and experiences to explore, and they’re happy to do so hand-in-hand. When Garrett overhears Harmony singing, he’s immediately a heart-eyed goner for this siren. With the negotiation of a service exchange—errand running for vocal lessons—an opportunity opens up to finally develop the gifts Harmony’s been repressing for years. But the moment she realizes her handsome married regular is Garrett’s husband, she wonders if she should’ve killed the symphony in her heart before it even began. Will Harmony sustain the dissonance of her grief-stricken life? Or will Garrett and Oliver give her a soft place to land?

Mod opinion: I haven't read this romance novella myself and while it doesn't sound like my type of literature, it sounds like a fun trans romance. And I do enjoy Suzanne Clay's work, so I think that if you like romance, this could be a lot of fun.

[ghost-in-cyberspace]

2 of Cups

Hi again, so this is the 2 of cups. My friend on twitter- Demifluid Spoonie, called this the most romantic card, and they’re right.

The key words associated with this card are as follows:

Upright it means, unified love, partnership, mutual attraction, close bond, mutual respect, marriage. And reversed it’s self love, break up, disharmony, distrust, imbalance, lack of communication, division.

So, this is what the 2 of Cups looks like normally

So the young couple are exchanging cups, and pledging their love. And above floats the Caduceus of Hermes, who amongst other things is God of Merchants and Trade, and his symbol means exchange and commerce. At the top is a lion’s head, which represents fiery, sexual energy.

By the way. My DnD Tarot deck, the card is called 2 of Wisdom. It looks like this:

Now it looks different on the surface, but it still shows the similar elements. 2 people operating an exchange, this time a mystical egg (which I suppose could be the new life aspect of a romantic relationship) for gold, ( the commerce) and a dead sea monster in the background, the implication with how the sword melds with the elf receiving the egg’s staff that the passion side of the card.

The text in the book: “Being able to be with someone- whether a friend or a lover- and retain your own sense of individuality.

The prompt for a campaign is: You are approached by the captain of the city guard to see if you will track down and capture a dangerous criminal.  

Upright Meaning

The Ace of Cups from my previous post represents the flow of energy within, but the 2 of cups is the flow of energy between two people, creating deep connections and partnerships based on shared values, compassion, and unconditional love, with the potential to grow into something deeply fulfilling.

The relationship, no matter if it’s romantic, is based on mutual respect and appreciation.

In a Tarot Reading it means a new partnership, which can mean lover, friend or business partner. Both of you are focused on creating a relationship that’s mutually beneficial. It’ll be a win-win situation as long as you can see eye to eye.

In a romantic relationship, it means that there’s a mutual attraction, both physical and spiritual. It can refer to a new relationship, or it can refer to a marriage proposal or engagement. Either way the pairing brings out the best in each other.

If it’s a business partnership, it means the two have a similar vision and operate on the same wavelength on what they’re creating together. They might not have the same skills, but bring them together in a synergy. For example, one might be good at running the business, but the other is good at sales and marketing. It’s a partnership that’s built on trust. (For prospective business partners though, still get everything in writing.)

Finally the miscellaneous meanings for an upright 2 of cups is twins in a pregnancy, spirtuailty is in balance or reconciliation.

Reversed Meanings

Now it’s time for the reversed meanings. Like other Tarot Cards, it might not be all bad, just the opposite of what the Upright meanings are.

One of the reversed meanings for the 2 of Cups is self-love. This is because the upright meanings is love between 2 people, so the opposite is self-love. However it’s different from the Ace of Cups self-love meanings. As it does call for you to love and honour your innermost authentic self unconditionally, it’s also a warning that if you don’t, you can project that lack of love onto others. In other words, you believe that others can’t or won’t love you. This warning means that you could become clingy and attached to bad relationships and put yourself in harmful situations. It’s also a message that you have to love yourself first, and find fulfilment for yourself, before looking for love, lest you start looking in all the wrong places.

The reversed 2 of cups can foretell things happening in relationships. Usually though, it means that the relationship has become all-consuming, and you don’t have much outside of it. (Remember the DnD message, you have to have some individuality in it.)

Or it can signal a break up. It’s the lack of communication card, as it means the couple have fallen out of sync, or lost trust in each other. The emotional connection has gone and communication has become restricted or withheld.

 

And that’s it for 2 of Cups. The next post is going to be 3 of Cups. Gonna come sooner than expected as I’m on holiday, which means more free time for nerdy shit.

[crazycatsiren]

Disabled people deserve to fall in love. Disabled people should be able to marry without repercussions, without losing anything. It's almost 2023 and why is this still a hot take.

[spicy0pumpkin]

I know this is a Fall,cozy, Halloween blog but this guy here ME is disabled applying for SSI this would be LIFE changing and it would mean the world and sooo much more to reblog, share start a convo and get people to start talking. Once people start talking it’s when things start to change for the better. During pride month people screamed wooo we all can get married now and I cried, broke down as a gay disabled man I couldn’t or I would loose my benefits. (Court date for SSI which most likely win) These benefits are life or death for me. To love or to die. I want to be able to marry , I dream for marriage equality and much updated benefits to live life with peace.

The SSI Restoration Act would:

Raise SSI's sub-poverty-level monthly benefits, currently $794 per month, to 100% of the federal poverty level--a 31% increase--and index them to inflation;

Update and index the assets individuals or couples may have up to $10,000 and $20,000, respectively. The current limit of $2,000 for an individual and $3,000 for a couple has not been updated since 1989;

Update and index SSI's income rules -- which have never been updated since the program was signed into law in 1972. These reforms will allow individuals to earn up to $399 a month from working, and up to $123 a month in assistance from other sources: including Social Security, veterans’ benefits, and pension payments without being subject to a benefit reduction.

These reforms will reward, not penalize, SSI recipients who want to earn additional income to provide for themselves and their families;

Eliminate the marriage penalty and increase the benefit for married couples to double the individual rate, to put marriage equality within reach for SSI beneficiaries; and

Eliminate benefit reductions that penalize beneficiaries who receive in-kind help from friends or family, such as groceries or a place to stay.

In April, Brown, along with Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) and Rep. Jamaal Bowman (D-NY), led colleagues in calling for the Biden administration to make historic and much-needed expansions and improvements to the SSI program as part of “building back better.” Several key elements of the SSI Restoration Act were endorsed by President Biden during the campaign.

Right now, eligible individuals may receive a maximum benefit of $794 ($1,157 for couples) per month. The average current monthly benefit is $585 for individuals. For approximately 60% of recipients, SSI is their only source of income.

Brown’s bill is cosponsored by Senators Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), Mazie Hirono (D-HI), Dick Durbin (D-IL), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), Richard Blumenthal (D-CT), Jeff Merkley (D-OR), Bernie Sanders (I-VT) Robert Casey (D-PA), Alex Padilla (D-CA), Tammy Baldwin (D-WI), Chris Van Hollen (D-MD), Ed Markey (D-MA), Cory Booker (D-NJ), Tammy Duckworth (D-IL), Ron Wyden (D-OR), Patty Murray (D-WA), Bob Menendez (D-NJ), Tina Smith (D-MN).

The bill has been endorsed by: Justice in Aging, AARP, AFL-CIO, AFSCME Retirees, Easter Seals, United Auto Workers (UAW), Leading Age, Homeless Action Center, Medicare Rights Center, National Alliance to End Homelessness, National Center for Law & Economic Justice, National Committee to Preserve Social Security and Medicare (NCPSSM), National Council on Aging, National Low Income Housing Coalition, National Women’s Law Center, New York Legal Assistance Group, Social Security Works, Services & Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Elders (SAGE), Strengthen Social Security Coalition, the Women’s Institute for a Secure Retirement, and over 87 national organizations.

Last month, Members of Congress, advocates, and supporters of SSI benefits gathered in a virtual event making the case for strengthened SSI benefits to be part of the next recovery package. Click here to watch a recording of the event.

The link to where I got the info from

[ask-a-schizo-rat]

This is so cute omfg! Asdfghjkl 😍

I was working on a sewing project and wanted to show my husband the progress I’d made, so I whispered “I love you” to see if he was awake.

Turns out he’s sleeping, which was shortly betrayed by his snores and mumbles of dragons (?? maybe… he was hard to understand).

However, in his sleep, in response to my whispers, his lips formed a gentle smile and he let out a small happy sound <3

May his dreams are a beautiful respite from the overwhelming stress of life

And, to any of my followers who are struggling right now, may you find some peace amidst the storms of life

Find strength in the love in your life, be it friends, family, lovers, or anyone else who stands beside you in the storms

May you find your rainbows and treasure their beauty 🌈