#spfpp disclosure

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 275: Trust Yourself to Trust Others

Our guest this episode is a 34 year old Puerto Rican woman who, you’ll be able to hear as the episode goes on is rather shy at first but really opens up and leans into the experience sharing her story utilizing her diagnosis as a powerful connection tool to deepen the intimacy of her relationships. Now, we speak in episode 274 about relationships and intimacy in the platonic sense and I think this episode really adds value to that, so if you’re hearing this without hearing the other, I strongly encourage you to listen to both of these close together. As our guest shares, you’ll get some insights to how our cultural upbringing can and does sometimes shape our response to something like a herpes diagnosis. There’s an initial misplaced trust that eventually, through her herpes diagnosis, our guest was able to re-establish a more solid self-trust to herself after seeing how sharing her status with supportive friends was something that was ongoing validation that nothing about who she is changes per those people she put her trust in. This reciprocal trust cycle continues to perpetuate and reinforce itself within us. That said, you should be able to trust yourself to trust who you confide in.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 270: Deceptive Disclosure

Karan is a 23 year old male on the other side of the world from the majority of our podcast guests who shares a unique experience that offers far more depth of reflection than we commonly get. Ya'll know how tough it is to get Men on the show for me so it's hard for me to hold in my excitement as you'll hear randomly throughout our conversation this episode. Karan speaks about how after his second sexual partner, he saw how she treated herself, and her body was representative to how he viewed himself but only on the inside. The woman he got herpes from SAID she told him she has it, but you know when your blood flow is in overdrive away from the brain, we may be a little bias in our thought process. But it wasn't that she told him she told him, it was that it went from "Oh it's fine we used a condom" to suddenly "It's not that big of a deal" which is super red flaggy. I enjoyed the depth at which we went into Karan's view on relationships and dating and how despite cultural differences we were able to connect beyond the superficial level of "I got herpes, it sucks, here's how I got diagnosed...". We went into his relationship with himself and to his body and THAT to me is where the significant value of this podcast lies. I hope you enjoy it.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 294: You Are Who You Think I Am

Aye ya'll, this podcast is fire! I interview Mike, a man in his fifties who shares really insightful and realistic experiences around disclosure. The few men who have shared their experiences on the podcast have consistently shown up with this rare perspective and give me more range to speak to the whole of our community. This was such a surprise to hear from him this morning, but he had the time and I made the time.

So Mike's sister took to the Are We Dating the Same Guy (AWDTSG) Facebook Group in Denver which is 50k strong and told everyone watch out for him because he has herpes and doesn't tell women. You hear him give background on his relationship to his sister for context which I appreciate because this isn't reflective of all women by any means. It does show what a woman in these circumstances with lack of compatibility or absence of it among each other can enable.

The content you're hearing me evolve into is expanding into more than herpes exclusively, and more than mental health as it pertains to mental health. Real issues are intersected at various touch points and my role in this world is to bring people's experiences out in a safe space to negotiate solutions through intentional conversation where people are safe to say what they experienced and the freedom from consequences. I'll eat that.

And for those who don't know, Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 non profit organization that accepts donations to continue the advocacy efforts to integrate our lived experiences navigating herpes stigma into sex education and STD Prevention efforts.

Donate today!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 290: Playful Disclosures

My co-worker, Savannah and I do a mock disclosure playing around with the STARS Talk you hear me reference so often (www.maketimeforthetalk.com). The way we connected for this conversation stemmed from my own confidence expressing the aspects of my identity that came after my herpes diagnosis. The “Life is about what happens THROUGH you, not TO you” is essentially what I live by. You see that demonstrated throughout this episode as well. We talk about the usefulness of disclosing to “high risk” people and discuss the benefits that come from that helping us disclose to potentially sexual partners.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 178: Disclosure Diss-Closure

It’s with the upmost enthusiasm I bring you this podcast episode titled with word play on diss closure and disclosure. With far more gems in my notes than I am willing to share here, I’ll give you enough to hopefully encourage you to listen here. Our guest shares some horror stories of disclosing her herpes status to partners and their responses as well as many lessons that could've stemmed into other episodes including how it isn't herpes, its vulnerability people are afraid of, how avoidance translates, avoiding avoidance, convenience of non-disclosure, navigating red flags, lonely fatigue, and connectedness in community vs in sex.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 169: Intuitive Disclosing

Disclosure disclosure disclosure! This is the most concerning piece of having a herpes diagnosis. With how 2020 went because of COVID, I think a lot of re-triggering occurred for majority of the population aware of their herpes status. The parallels of disclosing can be so similar between COVID and HSV, and they can be so different. We discuss this a little bit in this podcast episode with our guest, Amanda who has what I find to be the most simple, effective way of identifying whether someone is worth sharing your status with before deciding if you see things going somewhere physically that may put them at risk of contracting herpes.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 181: Disconnect the Dots of Disclosures

When you're connecting the dots of a drawing, you hit the end point of a path in order to be redirected. If it happens once or twice, there isn't much to go off of, but when it happens more times than you can count, a picture begins to form as you get more clear on your progress for the trajectory toward your destination. Disclosures assist us in making that picture clear with its redirects.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 180: The Imminent Infiniteness of Disclosure

A solo episode brought about from reoccurring conversations I'm having with people around herpes disclosure and how it impacts one's confidence. A major question to ask yourself throughout listening to this episode is just how much value are you placing on your sexuality and ability to merge genitals with a potential partner at the expense of your own humanness. Think about all the other things to disclose and have disclosed to you. So often, in our minds, herpes disclosure takes over our ability to recognize things non-sexually that are far more important to us than STI status is. We talk through several considerations for disclosure on this episode. Enjoy!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 151: The Evolution of Disclosure - A Decade of Difference

Diagnosed with genital HSV2 at age 17, we catch up with 21 year old Gemini who really demonstrates how far of a difference there is in how her disclosure experiences went compared to mine being a decade apart in age. We talk about secondarily disclosure where your friends all know already so if someone you know second hand is interested in dating you, then they do it for you.

What's interesting is that those friends who know also stand up for you as someone with herpes if someone gets to talking slick at the mouth about you or herpes in general.

While the first person she told was someone she trusted, that person still went off and told the entire school. While Gemini has always been alternative, it didn't stop the athletes in relationships with the most popular cheerleader from attempting to shoot their shot with her.

Gemini is also queer identifying and woke af as you can hear from our conversation. She's a survivor of suicide (multiple siblings) so we touch on that and how she seemingly has to be the glue/strength of her family.

This is a really great interview and while I sound terrible due to being sick, I'm glad we were able to make an online interview work well here. Oh and we talk about making your friend group your dating pool which I'm all about right now!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

Episode 66: Everybody Needs a Good Scare

A good scare creates space for empathy. Think of all the times fear drove you to seek knowledge. Fellow HANDS member, Carlee and I discuss her experience after her HSV diagnosis and how she's managed it and been able to be so open about it in order to help others.

Rate, review and subscribe to this podcast to show your support and help us get more amazing guests who are open about their diagnosis and help others find the emotional aftercare necessary after a positive diagnosis.

Carlee is on Instagram @itscarleefit and I'm @HOnMyChest

Stay Positive!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 254: OHA Series - We Need Disclosure Education

Peyton is 27 years old, a monogamous female, who’s involved in kink/BDSM and sex-positivity and has had experiences with chlamydia at age 19 with an abusive partner, and then HSV-2 and trich from a one night stand. What’s interesting here is disclosure. Health care providers can offer information to support a patient disclosing to their recent partner OR new partners. It’s important to ask if they want resources to disclose to their partner who may have exposed them because of potential assault and abuse (this is a note not in the podcast). Peyton’s episode speaks to how if her sex ed also included non-sexual aspects of relationhips like navigating abuse, boundaries and talking about sex rather than just having it, this could’ve changed the trajectory of her relationships altogether. Sex-positivity and its community absolutely plays a major role in antistigmatizing sex, allowing for more receptive potential partners who are also more experienced in conversations about sex. How can our identity as a monogamous person be challenged by stigma given only promiscuous people get STIs because they’re reckless, right? 

Sex-positive communities are inclusive and welcoming to folks with STIs due to risk awareness and minimization tactics.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 210: Delayed Rejection - It’s Fine Til it isn’t

First thing’s first, I did end up not getting ghosted ha! Kelsy started her herpes journey on Herpbler and was inspired by Ella Dawson’s anonymous profile there.

Kelsy became loud in her personal life and on social media about her herpes status. She shares a story about having flown out to meet with a guy she had been talking to. He introduced her to 25ish of his friends. They were intimate and the sex was average. Not getting oral is NOW a boundary for her, but she made an exception because he checked the boxes. He said he just needed time to be comfy with it. He got real quiet on her after the visit was over and she wondered why. He eventually shared he wasn’t comfortable with her having herpes and he’s a nurse too so he had the information.

We discuss how to navigate people saying they’re okay with us having herpes and then later not being okay with it. Managing the emotional labor with boundaries is key. They might already have herpes, but they just don’t know because of how tricky testing is as well as all the misinformation that’s out there making it challenging. So how do we REALLY know who’s okay with us having herpes? We don’t, man. It’s unfortunate but we are always taking a chance with someone. So all we can do is measure people’s actions and the consistency of that alongside their words. People are willing to unlearn stigma for themselves. We have to trust that.

What having herpes REALLY means is the same thing for any other condition. We learn to give our body the best opportunity to operate at its natural capacity. A health condition creates a baseline for us to work with. As herpes is a highlight to an underlying trigger, we speak to Kelsy’s suicide ideation after her diagnosis. We also speak to her fear of abandonment and the narrative “What’s wrong with me?” as the topic when not being chosen given one’s weight of your value as it relates to your herpes diagnosis. Having herpes added to her security in herself only because she was willing to explore this within herself.

Accepting my status doesn’t mean you’re a good person, and rejecting my status doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Don’t put all that weight onto someone accepting your diagnosis to the point where you overlook the red flags and other incompatibilities. Not wanting herpes is perfectly fine. Hell, I didn’t want herpes and here I am. It’s ok to not want herpes, what’s not ok is invalidating the wholeness of a person. I think this is an excellent follow up from episode 208 where I talk about '“lowering my voice” when it comes to having herpes and sharing what I do to keep those around me comfortable. It isn’t brave to be loud about our status, it’s confronting internalized stigma that is. I know I personally have some work to do around that for sure. Talking about sex is challenging and not “normal”. Filtering in people receptive to sexual health communication through sex positivity and people’s relationship to mental health leads to a higher likelihood of a positive disclosure and much more pleasant interaction. We get to a point where we have to stop caring so much about what other people think in the short term for the sake of our own bigger picture of wholeness.

We discuss how we can benefit from communicating about past challenges in relationships. Having the sexual health talk should be just as normal as speaking about past relationships. Another thing to consider is how we look at compatibilities outside just herpes status?

She also shared an experience she had disclosing her status to a health care worker who hadn’t known their herpes information. They were unaware that HSV1 can be genital story. WE ARE THE EXPERTS OF OUR EXPERIENCES! Take the opportunities to share experiences where it’s safe to do so for ya! Look at who has herpes that we’re NOT hearing from! Most people are okay with their status, don’t know or it just isn’t an issue for them. The younger folks navigating stigma correctly! They’re communicating, utilizing resources, becoming empowered far earlier than those before us. Now we have Safe Slut, Positively Positive, Shana Singleton, etc. TikTok… the list goes on.

The end of stigma isn’t a universal ending of stigma. It comes at an individual level to be shared as needed and within the communities of those who’ve ended it within themselves. For Kelsy, it took 6-7 years to hit up a therapist in regards to the trauma that came from the relationship/person who gave her herpes. Empowerment and taking care of yourself is asking people about their status despite being someone positive in their status. Value yourself! Having a support system, their friend, and resources helped her not end her life. @herp3tic Goddess

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 207: It's Not Bravery, It's Privilege

Today someone reached out to me at an interesting time. I’m currently listening to a book called “Forces for Good - The Six Practices of High-Impact Nonprofits”. In this book, I’m essentially experiencing validation that I’m doing 5 of the 6 things perfect. I’m on par with the top 12 Nonprofits in the United States. I do a lot with a little bit and to go from $1,200 in donations in 2019 to donations 2021 donations totaling more than $26,000, I realize just how much I missed focusing on what I haven’t done “well” (and I say that subjectively). The one area I lack in isn’t even an area I’m lacking. The one thing that keeps me from experiencing the success of larger Nonprofits is that they inspire action, advocacy, and people are loud and proud of the organization that serves them. I’m serving the most stigmatized group of people, those with herpes, and the very people I extend support to through Something Positive for Positive People are the very people so stigmatized that they literally cannot do what’s needed to make SPFPP what it needs to be in order to hit that next level.

This kind of thinking is where my head was before Emily and I recorded this podcast episode. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing the way that I’m supposed to be. It’s more important to me that I have an impact than do everything by the books. When I heard these successful Nonprofits aren’t all super structured, civilized, professional, etc. I felt seen. I let people tell me to make things look a certain way. I’ve let myself think I need to have funding from people who have the money putting us good will organizations against one another to compete for the resources to do good. What the fuck is that about? I knew that was happening but to hear it here in this book, I realized that I’m damn capable of making an impact as I have for the last almost 5 years with minimal resources. If I get more resources, then imagine the impact then! This book is expanding my perspective on serving through a Nonprofit. It’s also validating my self trust. The success is in the consistency. I know there are people I’ve helped that I’ll never hear from and people will never know the impact SPFPP had on them. I accept that. But DAMN it’s so hard to see that I have 5/6 of what makes the most impactful Nonprofits what they are and I’m just an allyship campaign away from being at that tier. That’s ego talking though, because it isn’t about that at all.

This reading and timing of this interview pulled me out of this inner conflict I’ve struggled with. I downplay the amazing impact I know I’m having on the people of the world because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable about me being open about my herpes status. Something Positive for Positive People will always be linked to herpes no matter how hard I try to connect it to mental health and suicide prevention. Me being open about my status is what’s allowed for us to touch as many people as I have so far. I thank my therapist who cut me off mid sentence when we spoke about my relationships being with people who seemed ashamed of the amazing work I do because it revolves around my openness about having herpes. He told me it’s not my responsibility to be less than for ANYONE. If me being who I am makes people uncomfortable, that’s for them to work through. I do have herpes. This is an important part of my life. I’m done turning that part of myself down.

Emily shares with me the insight in her own experience just why it can be challenging for some people to be open about their status as it impacts their income directly. She pointed out something in reference to educators who work with children and how they aren’t allowed to be human. I think that’s where the brave people are. For her to repress her being to be able to do what she loves to me is brave. This made me reflect on just how privileged I am to be able to say I have herpes to the internet and be met with no consequences, whereas she navigates the world in such a way that she looks like a superhuman/hero to the kids and parents of the kids she educates. I see ya’ll. I see the educators and people having to navigate stigma so cautiously due to anything connected to a flawed aspect of sex for a person can ruin their career. Emily showed me the other side of this and gave me all the more reason to stop inhibiting myself from connecting with people authentically. I catch myself slipping into “I work in mental health” when I talk to new people.

I’m going to keep making an impact and stop trying to separate herpes from Something Positive for Positive People to make people comfortable getting involved for the sake of growing like Nonprofits do. I’m going to make people MORE uncomfortable. I’m telling people who ask me this is exactly what I do. I’m 110% invested in SPFPP now. I disengaged from all external inhibitors of my ability to continue to create the impact I know I can. I’m invested. This wildfire of passion in my heart is now free to fuck shit up now! No more will I try keeping the flames at bay because a love interest doesn’t want anyone questioning their herpes status, or a friend hasn’t disclosed to a potential partner yet and they’re worried about how my disclosure will be received, and if someone is uncomfortable with associating with this impactful organization because of herpes, then I have to allow them to be there while I move onward expanding my messaging to reach those who need it. This’ll be what it’s supposed to be. It isn’t about growth for me anymore, it’s about consistency.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 197: "It's Probably Herpes" - Healthcare Provider

How a person receives their diagnosis often reflects not only HOW, but even IF a person chooses to disclose their herpes status. Kelsey was diagnosed July 2020 with genital HSV1 and was only aware her outbreaks presented themselves internally because she advocated for herself. What presented as yeast infections actually turned out to be a herpes outbreak on her cervix. She fought for her health.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

The Unforgettable Christmas Gift

I’ve started listening to your podcast and it’s really helping me navigate my diagnosis. I’d love to share my story. It sounds pretty similar to a lot of other stories. I’m a 22 year old girl from Canada. I was recently diagnosed over Christmas I had herpes. The initial outbreak was brutal, I cried every time I had to go to the bathroom because it hurt so much. My boyfriend ended up giving it to me through a cold sore. He had no idea what it was and we both didn’t think anything of it. About a week later my first symptoms started showing up. 

I thought it was a bad yeast infection because I was itchy, hurt to pee but no symptoms started showing up. Everything started getting so much worse and I went to the doctor. He sat me down and asked me some questions, I showed him a picture of the area and immediately he was like “oh yeah. That’s a herpes” and I immediately started crying and freaking out. He told me it was just a case of my learning to manage it. But he didn’t exactly tell me how. Being me, I researched the heck out of it and asked my primary healthcare provider a ton of questions. 

I felt some security in that but there’s huge huge amounts of anxiety I have over how/when my outbreaks will occur. I also ended up telling my parents. My mom was supportive but my dad ended up telling me he lost respect for my boyfriend after he gave me herpes. That was pretty tough for me to hear. It’s also hard realizing that one thing I’ll always have from this relationship is herpes, no matter what happens. 

My diagnosis was so recent, and over Christmas so that was actually kind of heartbreaking, I’m really struggling with body image. It was traumatizing seeing my body with sores in that area. I don’t feel beautiful anymore knowing that my body can look like that. I realize it’s all on me and it’s my body and I control how I think but I’m very much still struggling. I’m now seeing a psychologist, and I’m still with my boyfriend. He’s been extremely supportive and we’re using all the necessary precautions. I think my dads forgiven my boyfriend a bit. So far it’s okay. One outbreak down and who knows how many more outbreaks and disclosures to go.

I hope my story (if you choose to use/read it) can help some more people with recent diagnosis.

Sending love

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 160: Disclosure Fatigue - Herpes and Diabetes

Our working definition of disclosure fatigue is being tired of telling people something about yourself that's important for them to know but they may not know about, so you have to educate them and almost convince them to accept what's being disclosed.

On my Instagram account @HonMyChest I've been sharing about this topic from the SPFPP audience. It's interesting how disclosure fatigue shows up and how there are many other things to disclose and have disclosed to us outside just herpes.

Today we hear from someone living with diabetes and herpes. We talk about how they're similar and different. We talk about the necessity based on who has to know. We discuss putting boundaries in place that protect us from experiencing it too much. We also discuss a little about who we choose to disclose to being a contributor to disclosure fatigue.

This will be an ongoing discussion through upcoming episodes so we can learn to navigate the education piece while also protecting our emotions.

What are some other things we have to disclose besides our STI status? What are some things you've been disclosed to that maybe your lack of knowledge about would cause the other person fatigue?