#spfpp men with hsv

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 294: You Are Who You Think I Am

Aye ya'll, this podcast is fire! I interview Mike, a man in his fifties who shares really insightful and realistic experiences around disclosure. The few men who have shared their experiences on the podcast have consistently shown up with this rare perspective and give me more range to speak to the whole of our community. This was such a surprise to hear from him this morning, but he had the time and I made the time.

So Mike's sister took to the Are We Dating the Same Guy (AWDTSG) Facebook Group in Denver which is 50k strong and told everyone watch out for him because he has herpes and doesn't tell women. You hear him give background on his relationship to his sister for context which I appreciate because this isn't reflective of all women by any means. It does show what a woman in these circumstances with lack of compatibility or absence of it among each other can enable.

The content you're hearing me evolve into is expanding into more than herpes exclusively, and more than mental health as it pertains to mental health. Real issues are intersected at various touch points and my role in this world is to bring people's experiences out in a safe space to negotiate solutions through intentional conversation where people are safe to say what they experienced and the freedom from consequences. I'll eat that.

And for those who don't know, Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 non profit organization that accepts donations to continue the advocacy efforts to integrate our lived experiences navigating herpes stigma into sex education and STD Prevention efforts.

Donate today!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 313: Luck of the Irish

I interview a 26 year old Man from Ireland who's currently traveling abroad. We connected March 2023 and he reached out mid October to share his experience on the SPFPP podcast. "Herpes isn't that big of a deal" is something that gets loosely thrown around without context and we acknowledge that had this guests' partner had a different response than what the guest received, that we'd be having a way different conversation. He shares that this is his first time telling this story, so bear with us and be gentle in the feedback. This guest is open and happy to connect with Ireland residents and more if you'd like. I can connect ya'll.

Please mark May 23, 2024 for the first ever SPFPP conference which will be held online and we'll be presenting the final survey findings at this conference. You can participate in this survey if you're living with herpes by visiting www.spfpp.org/survey.. Resources Mentioned: Irish Sex Educator: Jenny Keane - www.jennykeane.com/holisticsexeducation

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 277: Something Positive for Men Part 1

People praise me for being vulnerable on a regular basis and I've accepted it up until my therapist pointed out to me that people don't connect with that part of me. It didn't take long for me to grasp what that really meant because I know I've really been able to hide behind this mask of vulnerability that is Something Positive for Positive People. He pointed out to me that I'm not sharing my experience or much of anything about me, as Courtney. I've realized that is because I've accumulated this immunity to criticism through SPFPP. Who's going to give me shit about having herpes when I'm doing this so people don't wanna kill themselves? You gotta be a real dick to talk shit about me for that. But I do open up myself to the criticism that comes with sharing my own emotions and experiences as a man navigating this space and that feels right in my soul to speak that truth so here it is. I put this out here to connect with and encourage more men into this space that is crying for masculine presence and experiences.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 144: Something Negative for Positive People

Taking the lessons from negative experiences help us uncover who we really are. At this event, I wanted to create a space where everyone could openly discuss herpes since usually at the events, there's no reason to since we all are already positive. Being able to reframe our worst HSV experiences to have had a lesson and hear others' perspectives makes talking about it outside the groups easier.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 172: Freedom from Religious Restraints

At age 24, Ebony was diagnosed with genital herpes after her third relationship. Having grown up in a religious household, sheltered where authority went unchallenged in the name of the almighty, our guest gives us perspective on what it means to challenge your beliefs with behaviors in reality. You hear a lot of shame worked through in this one, and how she found healing through the herpes support groups.

We gotta go bullet point style for this one! Diagnosed at age 24 with genital HSV, Ebony shares her experiences leading up to her diagnosis from her home life to intimate relationships. In this episode we talk: - Mental health in the Black home

- Religion's value in the Black home vs mental health

- Shame of sexuality leading to overt abusive behavior

- How healing through the herpes community can occur

- How repressed sexuality can lead to abusive behavior

Check this one out and let me know what you think!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 167: Be Willing to Walk Away

A few years ago I posted in a polyamory subreddit about herpes and connected with this episode's guest, Ian. He and I covered a lot of topics briefly but for the sake of time, it seems like we created more of a thought provoking episode than an in depth conversation around his experience as a polyamorous man with herpes. One thing we did cover was boundaries. This having been an ongoing theme in our recent episodes, we hear about how he navigated ending an emotionally abusive relationship with his then partner at the time who happened to be who he received his herpes diagnosis from.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 166: Herpes Education - The Gateway to Sex Education

You see several social media pages that offer support to people diagnosed with herpes. They offer tips on disclosure, gaining confidence through self-acceptance, an example of living the life of your choice after your positive results. You don't just jump into that kind of thing. You seek education through a curiosity of what went wrong, how we failed, only to learn our sex ed just failed us.

Some quick takeaways from Jess here:

The most useful resource for navigating herpes comes from within the herpes community, while the worst are the health care providers diagnosing us with STIs consistently.

How is stigma so prevalent that your mom can be in the doctor's office with you when you're receiving an oral herpes diagnosis only for her later to say to you don't ever get herpes and then talk about how bad it is?

We talk of course about how sex ed failed us and how useful therapy is, and then we answer some questions from participants in the IG Live which was dope!

Thanks everyone for being here. I'll consistently record evenings at 7:30pm central time when I have a guest lined up. right now we have one scheduled for Thursday evening as well if you wanna join the next one.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 165: Introducing Something Positive FROM Positive People

I share a healing experience that was sparked in therapy in regards to unconscious behavior I hadn't before looked at.

I introduce the Something Positive FROM Positive People blog which features insights from our community that anyone can apply to their lives.

I had some recent experiences where my boundaries were being chipped away at and I thought I would handle that here.

I can't believe I talked for an hour. I thought I only had 30 minutes in me haha. But good thing ya'll like these solo episodes. Let me know what you think.

Whenever I have schedule cancellations I think I'll just record a solo episode and upload it right away. I've had a few people miss interviews, reschedule last minute and then flat out ghost me after recording and it honestly makes me disappointed. So that time doesn't go to waste, I'll just record and upload right away talking about whatever is on my mind and has been going on.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 164: The Connection 4mula - A Filter for Abuse

Abuse has come up a lot in 2020 on my podcast episodes, in my DMs on social media, with my friends, and as I reflected on how common it has become present in my range of awareness, in past podcast episodes as well. When I heard abuse prior to this reflection, it was exclusive to physical violence. I hadn’t considered verbal abuse, emotional or mental abuse to be a thing. As I really sat with it, abusers have used their partners’ herpes to hold them in relationships and do what they want them to. That too is abuse.

I look at where a source of this could’ve come from and I find it challenging to find any other primary blame than our sex education we received which was so hyper-focused on preventing us from having sex that it neglected mental health fundamentals such as consent, body autonomy, recognizing abuse, relationship management, asserting boundaries, and seeking support/help in the event that you need it.

I can’t understand why these topics aren’t a focal point in our sex education, other than laziness. It’s hard to raise an independent child into an independent adult because they question authority and what doesn’t make sense. So instead, we deprive our youth from survival essentials because it’s inconvenient to have to actually raise our youth. Therefore we raise obedient children who recognize force as authority into adults who either hold power over others as they were taught, or they are on the receiving end of the force. Convenience shouldn’t be an enabler for abuse, and we have to be better and do different.

The Connection 4mula is a filter for abuse and an easy way to recognize someone with potential abusive patterns. Connection is genuine intimacy, as shared between this podcast guest and myself developed over the last 7 years. The 4mula consists of my four relationship boundaries or values if you will that teach people how to respect and love me while also teaches them how I love and respect them. Notice this time I said four relationship boundaries instead of 3.

The 4 are transparency, consistency, maturity, and reciprocity. Abusers have to manipulate the narratives so you won’t get transparency out of them. You can get honesty, but it is selective. Transparency has a feeling of freedom because the person who values it for themselves also values it to and from others. Abusers are often inconsistent in their words and behaviors. Saying “I love you, but” is a major red flag because love is unconditional. You don’t only love someone when they fulfill an expectation. You don’t love someone and then violate their boundaries only to MAYBE apologize. That isn’t love, it’s coercion. For an early red flag, look at their ability to make plans in advanced? If they want to spend time with you, they will do more than say it. Do they flake, reschedule, say one thing and do another? These are signs of a potential abuser. Maturity is simple. Does this person prioritize well? Are they late to important matters and prioritize what they say to be not really important? Where do YOU stand in terms of being a priority? Lastly, reciprocity, which just means is the energy invested reciprocated between you and this person you’re in pursuit of? If he ain’t reciprocatin’ then ya’ll ain’t gone be datin’. Write that somewhere you can find it easily. Are you prioritizing them in your thoughts, energy, efforts to meet up? If they aren’t giving it back then you know they are whack.

These are the 4 pillars of connection, which I believe if you don’t experience a genuine, authentic connection with someone you’re looking to date, then it’s because your boundaries aren’t being respected/honored. It’s those who violate boundaries who in hindsight, have been abusive partners. Use this formula to filter out abusers immediately ya’ll.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

Episode 99: Integrative Disclosure

I’ve been met with resistance from people when I talk about navigating relationships. People have been so caught up on the word ‘relationship’ as on the road to marriage, that they completely miss the message. This podcast speaks about relationships by its definition of relating to others. That’s it. Navigating and negotiating what that relating looks like is the bulk of what this podcast episode is about. Dr. Evelin Dacker shares a conscious, intentional formula that helps guide us through important conversations around sexual health status, turn-ons, avoids, relationship (literal meaning) intention, and safety. She did a Ted x talk on the subject and the acronym is STARS.

As someone with herpes, this is a useful tool for disclosing to partners because I’m guilty of having been so in my head about ‘will they accept my status?’ that I neglect other important conversations that should be had before even deciding to disclose. What’s our intention in relating to one another? Do we want a one night thing, ongoing FWB (friends with benefits) situation, will we become long-term partners working toward something, are we even on the same page at all in terms of what we want? If our relationship intention doesn’t match up, then I can completely disregard the thoughts of having to disclose because we aren’t in alignment with relationship intention.

Once that’s in alignment, we can move on to turn-ons if we choose to. I consider myself to be a giver when it comes to physical intimacy. Maybe the other person is also a giver. What if my prospective partner is turned on by being submissive? That works out because I’m aroused by being able to lean into my dominance. We don’t need to get too visual here. Imaginations can go where they will for sharing turn-ons.

Avoids are essentially boundaries. There may be some sexual trauma that a person is working through. My normal may be triggering. It’s important to establish these boundaries and avoid what’s asked to be avoided. A certain kind of touch to certain areas could trigger them, or they just may not like some acts in the bedroom/bathroom/living room/car/woods or whatever area you decide to make into your play pen. It’s best to know these things prior to having to find out by getting into the hair tugging and having that shut down and the action abruptly being drawn to a conclusion.

Safety is another issue. As a fairly large human, I don’t have near as many safety concerns for myself when I’m getting to a space of physical intimacy with partners. That said, I am often the biggest threat to them. It’s important they feel safe. If we are leaving together, they can let a friend know their location and to check in on them the next morning. That’s really all I have here as this was the example Dr. Dacker gave. This is more commonly an issue for women than men.

Now we get to the grand finale of the STARS talk. If you notice, I went out of order intentionally. Compatibility and negotiations have already taken place. By this point in the conversation, the person I have this discussion with is in fact compatible with me and I know this has the potential to become physical. At this point, I disclose my positive HSV status to them and ask about their experience with STIs. I believe that if a person has gotten to this point in the conversation, I have a great idea of their knowledge and understanding about sex and sexual health. If we’ve been able to have the previous talks about how we see each other, we have something for them to either remain consistent with, or they will go against it. This does also eliminate potential excuses for no longer wanting to move forward. So now the only difference between the time we’ve talked about what we’ll do to one another after we leave this restaurant and the time they make a decision to stick to that or not, is the fact that now they know my STI status is positive. Not everyone is okay with that and that is fine. However, people don’t know how to just say they aren’t okay with something and that is fine. I just have to acquire tools to protect myself from emotional abuse of ghosting and being deceived. STARS is a tool for that.

We’re able to enter a relating situation with a conscious communication tool. As someone living with herpes, I know not everyone wants to relate at the level I’d like to. This conversation helps us figure that out soon so that we can move on and get our needs met sooner without investing heavily into someone we may not be compatible with. I appreciate Dr. Dacker’s tool as an integrative disclosure method. It also includes pieces of the conversation that are often left out of the sex conversation. Download episode 99 of spfpp and check it out!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

IF YOU ARE DATING A HE/HIM/HIS PRONOUN USER WHO HAS NOT YET TAKEN THIS HSV SURVEY, DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY PLAY UNTIL HE PROVES HE HAS! Now lemme go take my survey while I’m talking ish 😂 We need more representation from men seriously and it’s looking like the only way to get it is with the support of women. Sorry to ask this of y’all on top of the primary responsibilities y’all historically have with parenting he/him users, but for this to be a success, I’m cashing in on all the favors I have to collect as accurate of information as I can reflective of 2021 and right now this basically says women are giving herpes to themselves which isn’t accurate AT ALL! Thank you in advanced and the link is in my bio! #spfpp #somethingpositiveforpositivepeople (at San Diego, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CO8RFB2BFmU/?igshid=xl09ugysva9e

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 159: Sprinting to Catch Up on What I Missed

After ending a long-term relationship with her first sexual partner, like many others, wanted to explore and see for themselves what else is out there that they could've been missing out on. It was soon after as she put it, playing 'catch up', that she received her genital HSV diagnosis.

We discuss her behavior change after her new diagnosis in being more aware of a partner's apprehension toward her when it came to sex as well.

I want to start leaving people with questions to ask themselves going into these podcast episodes just to challenge your perspective. This episode, our guest shares that she was in fact more concerned with how men would view her due to her identity being so intertwined with receiving validation from sexual partners. Ask yourself if you were to share your positive status or disclose something publicly about yourself no one knew, what outcome would you hope for and why?

How do you deal with partners' apprehension whether verbal or nonverbal towards you when it comes to sex after you've disclosed?

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 149: Sour Patch F Boys

After ending her divorce from her first everything, our guest this week shares her experience entering the dating world after having done everything 'right' and then ending up with someone who did not disclose their HSV status to her. As we talk through her experience, you get a sense that he knew he had it and the point of realization was where she just got an intuitive nudge to open a drawer where his acyclovir prescribed to him with a date of six months prior resided.

When she confronted him, he responded in a very dismissively honest way that is very scary and manipulative. I want to make sure I'm using this term here properly so correct me if I'm wrong when you listen, but gaslighting. So here we have someone who married her first, divorced and entered the dating world again, only to now be stigmatized because of her diagnosis of HSV. She had sex with two people. The stigma is not reality. According to the stigma of HSV, she had sex with many people and should've waited until marriage to have intercourse. She still got it. Where's the stigma and shaming toward people who know they have it but choose not to disclose?

Where's the stigma toward medical professionals who spread inaccurate information and negate STD prevention efforts with their own self-shaming and stigma? Last thing to touch on here is the connection between sexual health and mental health. This episode says more about the person who exposed our guest to the virus than it does about her.

Men's unwillingness to deal with their diagnosis in a healthy way is part of what keeps the stigma so prevalent. Women are susceptible to shame as a result of our actions whereas men can go into denial or repress the emotions altogether and act like they aren't impacted at all as you'll hear in this episode.

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 187: Maybe it Really is Just the Herpes - The 300 of Stigma

This was supposed to be a quick update on the survey and overlooking herpes in relationships but it turned into an hour long celebration of our success with this 2021 HSV survey!

If you've seen the movie 300, you'll know what I mean when I say I'm feeling like King Leonidas of Sparta in the mofo right now! We got MORE than 1,000 people to rise against the Trojan Empire... Stigma! We have declared war on stigma and this survey creation was the initial kicking in the chest of the Trojan messenger that came up in our house, Sparta for peace! You ain't gettin that up in here SON!

Okay I am getting carried away lol but you get the point by now.

Anyways, the podcast stresses the importance of identifying what's important in your relationships. For me, I learned from my last relationship the importance of communicating with emotion vs communicating. Emotions can be the undercurrent of language/words being communicated and aren't something to be avoided through repression or ignored altogether.

Ask yourself are you supported, challenged AND celebrated in all your expression/identities by your partners/communities/relationships. Are you communicating what you need when you need it? As much as I try to downplay my experience with herpes, it's a major part of my life and identity, but by choice. I understand this to be valid now, and the validation of this in my expression is important as it is part of my self expression.

Survey results are being cleaned up and I'll post them to the website as soon as I can! Thanks for your support and patience!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 147: Accessing the CAPS LOCK SELF

I almost skipped this week because I didn't have much to say, and then I recorded a 53 minute podcast episode that brought the previous one full circle. My week off of social media, recommended by one of my board members was a great call. It allowed me to charge my batteries. After learning recently about boundaries, I see how boundariliessness has been really draining for me and I didn't know how drained I was until I began implementing boundaries. We take a couple of write in stories of the worst experiences two people who attended the "Something Negative for Positive People" fundraiser and use these as examples of where boundaries can be set in relatable situations for whoever comes across this podcast. I've been able to work much more effectively and give people more of myself since discovering the freedom to connect in having boundaries and I hope that by sharing that here, you're able to begin doing this for yourself. Thank you for taking the time!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP Episode 143: How Men Herpe

We answer some listener questions about men and HSV. Some men wrote in and asked some questions and I answer those as well. We discuss masculinity and how we deal with a herpes diagnosis differently that those in touch with their femininity, disclosure leading to 'me too', who has more outbreaks between penis and vulva owners, and the importance of communication as a herpes diagnosis changes the way we do sex. I hope you enjoy this episode and if you found it useful, please consider leaving a donation to SPFPP so that we can pay for people's therapy services and provide support for them after their diagnosis.