#spent a lot of time separating it from myself so that i could deal and possibly that wasnt healthy lmao

[fooltofancy]

havin' legs is too much, today.

[thir10th]

some extra help- Emily Prentiss x Fem!Reader

summary: this is a drabble kinda based on episode 3x02 but it's not a whole insert TW: suggestive content but no smut, dress up, fluff (very cute if you ask me), it's not smut so not much to say here, very short talk about medical stuff (head injury, concussion), i think that's all A/N: this one is quite short but very cute. It's not smut, just suggestive, i ended it right there because I wasn't really on the mood for it. As always: any feedback is appreciated. english isn't my first language. like and reblog <3

you had spent the last 2 nights in a row waking up every 3 to 4 hours, several alarms a night. After saving not only that poor little boy and woman's lives, but also saving you boss' and girlfriend's jobs, you returned home to a renewed Emily Prentiss. She was relieved that she could finally rest, not having to chose between her job and her team, which included you. You had insisted on her not resigning but she would give anything for you and the people she loved, for her team.

After the number she pulled in Milwaukee (you had also begged her to be careful, and you would've shoot that man when you saw what he had done to her hadn't JJ been there to stop you) she had a concussion. it was basically your job to make sure she was still breathing.

You secretly loved taking care of Emily, you kind of hated having to wake up every once in a while, obviously, but there was something about taking helping her with regular stuff, making sure she was taking things easy, all that intimacy.

"baby, stop it" she complains "I'm fine, I can carry my own bag" you had taken it upon yourself to carry it to her apartment "i know you can, but i don't want you to, you have to rest" you try to convince her

"I'm fine, the meds help a lot, it barely hurts now" She says trying to make you forget all that worry "since Milwaukee you've treated me like I'm so fragile, but I won't break just like that"

You drop her bag and her purse, and turn around to face her, grabbing her waist, pulling her close to you, she surrounds your neck with her hands "What's wrong with it? So, i want to take care of my girlfriend, no big deal, she can still be a badass, specially at work, as far as they're concerned, there's no worried girlfriend, just a worried friend, who drives you to work so you don't have to do it yourself" she caresses your back with her fingers, listening to every word you say.

Your relationship was still a secret for the rest of the team, you had been dating already for several months, but you were taking it slow, so no one in the team actually knew you were the one spending the nights at Emily's apartment taking care of her until she got better.

"well, i love my worried girlfriend but she should take a break and get me a nurse so she can start relaxing with me" she says, giving you a peck on your lips and separating from your embrace to go to the bathroom

little did Emily know she had just given you an idea

⋆ ˚｡ ⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡ ⋆

next day you enter Emily's apartment, ready for a nigh full of interruptions, but very ready to have some fun as well.

Emily had given you an idea, a very good one, the kind of idea you knew your girlfriend would love. So you move around the apartment, being as quiet as you can, Emily is resting on the couch reading a book, and you're in the room trying to get yourself ready.

"I can hear you moving, what are you up to back there?" she asks putting her book down, giving up on concentrating enough to read.

"you know, I think it's time to change that bandage on your forehead don't you think? It's been a couple of days" you say from the back of the room

"oh, yeah, i forgot, if you get me the first aid kit i can do it myself"

"no, i can do it for you, because, if i remember correctly, you said yesterday you could use a nurse, right?" with that you enter the living room, all dressed in the lamest, cheapest nurse costume you could have found, the only thing that mattered anyways was that it was short, white, and revealing.

Emily sits up, sitting upright on the couch, her mouth falls open, speechless, her eyes scanning you, running up and down your figure as if trying to memorize every bit of the image.

"So? what do you think?" you tell her, pinning around to give her a look from every angle

her lips start curving into a smile, her mouth still open, she chuckles in surprise, runs her hand through her hair looking for the words

"I can't believe this, you look awesome baby, come here" she says still in awe, opens her arms in a welcoming position. You walk to her, place your legs on her sides so you're straddling her, she caresses the skin of your legs, holding you in place, and lay down to give her a kiss, holding her head with both your hands, she dugs her fingers in the flesh of your thighs, you kiss her lips softly, giving in the contact, melting into the kiss.

"you're hottest nurse I've ever kissed in my life" you chuckle against her lips, she gives you a peck before you get away

"So, are you gonna let the nurse change that bandage of yours or what?" you ask, and she nods, still smiling, holding on to you but finally letting go to allow you to go take the kit.

You come back from the bathroom with a wet cloth in one hand and the red box in the other one, you gesture her to sit straight, and lay her head back, regaining your last position straddling her waist, and her hands fly back to hold your thighs.

You start by slowly taking the old bandage off to avoid hurting her, you take the wet cloth and start cleaning the wound with it, gently tapping around it. She looks at your focused frown, smiling over how seriously you're taking your job. She runs her fingers through the soft skin of your thighs, every time her hands move she reaches higher until she is no longer touching your legs, but your ass, squeezing it gently, making you jump

"Hey! I'm trying to work here, stop distracting me!" You scold her, but she doesn't retreat, her hands keep wondering around, you try to make it as fast as you can.

Applying the bandage on her forehead delicately, you give her a peck on the lips "you're all set" you announce

"thank you nurse, i was wondering, maybe there's something else you could help me with?" she says to your surprise "sure, what would that be?"

"well you see, my very concerned and beautiful girlfriend used to be the one to take care of me, but ever since you came, I haven't seen her around, so maybe you could take care of me tonight, maybe for a bit longer" she says with the sexiest voice, batting her eyelashes to add up to the act, you just follow her play.

"well this one girlfriend of yours sounds like a very nice lady, but i guess i could help you out" you kiss her again, lustfully, running your hands through her hair, down to her sides, until you reach the hemline of her shirt, and you tug on it "how about if we start by removing this?"

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°

[yourlastbraincell-kiwi]

how about jason todd?? dating headcanons??

A/N: Thank you anon for this ask! I myself have never written headcanons before, so I do hope it’s really good for yall! ❤️

After-writing note: I might’ve went overboard- I also put how you met and then the dating afterwards. I even separated the two. I was going to do NSFW, but that got scrapped.

This whole thing is gender neutral, but one part. The only part that isn’t is in pink. It’s talking about time of the month/periods. You can skip over that if you’d like.

(S/H/N) = Superhero Name

Might be grammatically incorrect-

Pairing: Jason Todd x GN!Reader

——————🦹——————

First Meeting!

You both met thanks to Bruce. Just like Jason you were taken under Bruce’s wing to become one of his own. You both took the deal.

You and Jason met on mission. Bruce had sent both of you out to find and detain the same villain, but was never told that the other was looking for the same person.

Jason had found the villain, but it was minutes after you found him. He was bruised and bloodied from your attacks to the guy.

“What the hell?” Jason exclaimed, walking up. “He was my kill.”

“Well, too bad. I got to him first, run along now.” You motioned for him to walk away as you cleaned the blood of your bat symbol.

“Wait, you with the Bat too?”

“What’s it to you?” You said, stopping what you were doing and finally looked in his direction.

“That asshole!” He said, and you scoffed using your grappling hook to reach the top of a building. Just as you did, cops started swarming the area.

Some time after that Jason made his way back to base, and noticing someone sitting on the couch, talking to Bruce. “Bruce? Who the hell is this?”

“This is (Y/N), also known as (S/H/N). You too will be partners.”

“Partners?” You both exclaimed, looking at one another with nothing but pure disgust and hatred.

From that day forward, you both trained and worked together as a team. No matter how much either of disliked it.

Both of you had grown to dislike one another, never seeing eye-to-eye. Always had different opinions about how things should be done.

You having enough you climbed to the roof of the Wayne Mannor and just looked up at the stars. It was one of the things, that couldn’t be taken away from you.

“What are you doing up here?” Jason asked poking his head out.

“Was trying to get some alone time, should’ve know I wouldn’t get that either.”

“Look, I’m not here to argue. Alright? Just want a moment of peace. That’s all I ask.”

And with that he sat on the roof next to me, it was the most normal interaction you’ve had since you met.

Jason would make comments here and there, resulting in a laugh coming from you. He doesn’t know what it was, but something inside him loving it. So he continued.

He never thought that you’d laugh at his remarks, and it made him feel good.

And more days like this followed, after training hard, you both would go up to the roof and talk. Whether it be something you’ve already talking about, or something new. Both of you would always find something new to say about the topic.

Dating each other!

A couple times during training Bruce and Alfred have caught the both of you talking during the training Bruce was putting you both through.

Bruce is happy to see you both get along, believe me, but he’d appreciate it if you did that outside of the training room. Only cause he wants you both to focus.

After a lot of time spent together Jason asked you out. He waited for you both to be on top of the roof and asked right then and there.

After you hadn’t answered right away he thought he messed up big time. But all his thoughts were quick to leave his head as soon as you put your lips onto his.

The happiness he felt in his heart is unmatched.

Jason’s nicknames for you would be ‘baby,’ ‘babe,’ ‘bae.’ He rarely ever calls you ‘honey, but if he’s joking around he’d call you ‘hot stuff.’

He’d also take your superhero name and turn it into something funny.

Now that you were dating Jason took every chance he could get to flirt with you, trying to fluster you.

“Jason, stop!” You exclaimed, waving him off.

“You know, telling me to stop is going to make me want to try harder, right?” He said, the corner of his mouth upturned to form a smirk.

Jason was always known to be stubborn and hardheaded. Ask anyone.

But if he were told by you, he’d listen, but he’d still think about what he wanted to say, before you shut him up.

Does Jason get jealous? Most definitely. One time you and Jason snuck into a club and someone came up to you, and immediately started flirting.

Jason came back with the drinks and saw the altercation, no matter how many times you tried to defuse the situation. Jason ended up with a sore hand and banned from the premises.

“Was that really necessary?”

“Fuck yeah! He was tryna get with, my partner. He had that shit coming.”

Is it to at time of the month? Jason has no clue what that was until you briefly explained it to him.

He took note of what the do’s and don’ts were, when you were on your period. What snacks to surprise you with, how you like to be held, etc.

He wasn’t going to let you go through it alone, best believe.

Regardless of if it’s your time of the month or not; if you’re sad or mad, or just stressed overall, he’d do the same thing! Getting you snacks and treating you like royalty!

Kisses? Oh, he’s basic as ever. He loves to kiss those lips of yours. He’ll kiss your lips whenever, he saw fit. So, do expect random kisses throughout the day.

If your lips were occupied or you were on the phone, he’d lean in and plant some kisses on your neck. Just gotta let you know, he’s there.

Cuddles? He loves being the big spoon, yeah he’ll let you be the big spoon every now and again, but nothing compares to him then protecting you whilst you both sleep.

And if you wake up in his arms, best believe, you will be staying there till he decides you can get up. Hope you don’t need to be anywhere, any time soon.

——————🦹——————

[helpolnix]

The trouble with seeing and hearing your deities.

[Just to immediately preface, I do not see or hear my deities in the literal sense. I see and hear them the same way I can hear my internal monologue and how if I have my eyes open and you tell me to picture a red or green apple, I can.]

For a little while, I thought I was going completely batshit. Like I was ready to check myself into a psych ward batshit. For a good 2 or so weeks, I was very comfortable with just getting a word or two from my gods when using divination, it was like a little treat. But as time progressed and I spent more time around them, I began to hear more and more of their words, and then my brain started to make their appearance.

That’s when I started to have a very scary moment of, “oh no, I’m going crazy.” Or something along the lines of spiritual psychosis. But I didn’t really fit any of the symptoms at all.

[I will say a medication I was on made my paranoia surrounding it worse tho lol]

Asking the gods about it didn’t necessarily help since they just assured me I wasn’t crazy.

Well, I must be, no?

Of course not. lol.

Looking into other people’s experiences with talking with their deities was very eye opening. But it made me wonder about all the unique ways I’ve seen people interacting with their deities, or the ways in which they’ll make themselves known to their devotees. I personally still use a pendulum even though I’ll catch the rest of their sentence before they finish speaking it completely. I call it my safety blanket.

They hate my safety blanket.

I oh so carefully monitor the words they say and what truly makes sense and what doesn’t. What sounds realistic and what absolutely doesn’t. Keeping yourself grounded in reality(you know what I mean) is so so important. I honestly don’t find it to be a bad idea to look up the symptoms of spiritual psychosis and delusions in general if you’re also in the same boat as me, hearing and seeing your gods.

It’s scary, jarring, and it makes you question yourself a lot. So many people are so confident in their abilities already and it’s just like, “oh yeah I hear and see them.”

Like.. okay, but how the fuck does that work for you?

I’m young, I’m new to this, I have no older mentor or friend that’s been in the religion for years to lean on that’s not a god. The fuck should I do?

Sure, you don’t have to say anything about how that works in your head, but I think it’d be nice to. Nobody is obligated to share anything about their worship or practice, yet sharing important disclaimers regarding these “gifts” or senses—whatever you want to call them— I think should be talked about a little more.

I gradually got to this point over the past two months, hearing more and more of them as I spent more time in my practice.

And if anyone wants, I could make a separate post in how I deal with severe intrusive thoughts and this hearing shit. It’s really stressful most times. And not fun.

But wowwwww it’s been weird seeing how they present themselves hahahaha that’s a whole separate post.

In conclusion though, I’m carefully monitoring myself, what I experience, and the new meds I’m going on, and coming off. It’s been a really weird 2 months, but I’m excited for the future anyway.

[id-element0]

More Ramblings on the Infinite Saving Bug

Alright folks, this is, hopefully, my last post regarding the 'saving bug' and I have some news. I've been dealing with this issue for the last three weeks with two weeks of it spent in testing hell. Let me say this: It doesn't get any simpler as I look into it more and more.

Still, I've concluded that the saving-bug is a form of save corruption. Once your save is affected, my condolences, it's practically game-over. The save still can be played safely, though, as long as you don't go into Buy/Build Mode - which is practically impossible. This is the really bad news, especially for builders like myself. But there is more to it! So go ahead, if you're curious. *Long Post Warning* Scroll to this part for a possible fix! -> 'here's my desperate move'

There are many threads on the internet (e.g. 1, 2, 3) regarding the issue but none of them gives a reason or a meaningful solution. What is this bug then? From the links I provided, my understanding is that it has started around Seasons release, most likely after an update and, not surprisingly never been solved. I really wanted to believe that it's CC related but even vanilla players claim to have it; so CC is not the reason. My tests also came up with the same result so that's a bummer.

It seems to be triggered by going into Buy/Build Mode on certain lots; but my experiences also showed that it can spread to other lots. That's why I think it's a save/world corruption. But it also appears on different saves in the same Sims 3 folder. I have found a way to uncorrupt the building to be used in other worlds but the empty lot even after the building is bulldozed remains corrupt.

Meaning, you cannot build anything on that lot without triggering the bug. The so-called saving bug also affects the process of saving the lots to your library. So once you start getting it you can't even send the building into your library. There is a way to do it using Nraas Debug Enabler but it only worked for me once.

To save you the trouble, I have a list of things I've tried and now know that don't work at all against the saving bug.

Resetting everything via Nraas MC.

Resetting lot via Nraas MC.

Bulldozing the building and resetting the lot; using hammer tool to delete every visible or invisible object on the lot.

Saving lot to the bin; adding it to another world or a clean save of the same world and editing it there.

Starting a clean save of the world and build something in a lot seems to be fine at first; but saving bug returns eventually as stated in the threads I linked.

Creating a new Sims 3 folder doesn't work, either, as long as you use the same save.

So, what does work? Well, this is where the mystery lies. My conclusion is that it's a save corruption affecting the Sims 3 folder, as a whole, which doesn't make sense; and can be spread by installing corrupt buildings. I'll summarise my testing process:

I had a separate Sims 3 folder that I use to test stuff. This folder had a slightly different mods setup and any save I have in this folder could be saved successfully no matter how long I have stayed in the Buy/Build.

Then I moved the fresh save that eventually got the saving bug (mentioned in the 5th point above), into this bug-free Sims 3 folder and guess what? I could save without a problem. That made me think this is actually a CC thing. So I carried the ingredients of my Mods folder one by one and continue testing and each time I could save, like, in 2 seconds.

The world is a small world with no population and no buildings other than my test building, an empty house and the corrupt bar that started this all. And each time it saved until I finished with the building and moved everything from my Mods folder. I was really tired and confused at that moment. If it's not CC or the save folder, then what is it?

Then I entered the corrupt bar and bam! The saving bug returns. What I did after that was a desperate move. As I stated earlier, once the saving bug begins you cannot even save the building to your library. But one can click on any venue/house map tag, Door, Window, Wall, Ground > Nraas > Debug Enabler > DEBUG: Move Lot To Game Bin. The building will disappear. Then you need to switch to Edit Town Mode wait for a minute or so. The lot will appear at upper left corner of the screen (as evicted families do) from there you can save it to your library.

Unfortunately, this method only worked once for me. If it doesn't work at first try, quit the game, restart and do this first upon loading your world. This is how I moved my corrupt building to another save and initiate the saving bug there. But I also found a way to uncorrupt the said building.

And here's my desperate move: In game select the corrupt building in your library and choose pack as a Sims3pack or whatever the option is. You wouldn't miss it, it's there. I believe you can also do it with the building still in your world, so you may not even need it in your library. Game packs it successfully and tells you so, even if the lot/building is corrupt. Because this is EA and you should share your corruption.

Ahem. Quit your game. Go to your Exports folder. Move the file to some work folder, it doesn't matter where. You need to extract it. Since Sims3pack files are nothing but containers like zip files that can hold multiple package files, they are nothing special and should be avoided normally. To unpack/extract you need either s3ce or Delphy's Sims 3 Pack multi-extractor. Or any other tool that you know of except the Launcher.

After that you will open your newly extracted package file in s3pe and delete resources that normally belong to objets. Best way to be sure is to open another lot package in your library and examine the contents. But let me help you here: Delete EVERYTHING BUT 2ARY, COMP, ICON, LDES, RFES, TXTC, TXTF, UNKN. These are the lot resources. Be patient and carefully delete everything else.

Well, this was the good news! Now you can rescue your beloved building and use it in a new save. I don't know why it works, it just does. The really bad news is like I said, your world is most likely corrupt and not only the buildings in problem lots but the empty lots themselves are corrupt. You get the saving bug again when you place your cleaned-up building in the same lot in your affected save.

OK. I think I've managed to clean the empty lot itself as well. So, it's all good. I don't know if it's a fluke but I did this and my game saved without an issue after editing the problem building:

Bulldoze the building and reset the lot via MC. Go to Edit Town and change lot type to Residential>Regular (or vice versa if it's a Residential Lot). Return to Game reset lot via MC again. Save & Quit to Desktop. Not to Main Menu.

Go to The Sims 3/WorldCaches Folder and delete the cache files belonging to your world.

Start the game & load your save. Go to Edit Town and change lot type to Community>Whatever you like or whatever the lot type was before. Go back to game and reset lot via MC again. Save and Quit to Desktop.

Go to WorldCaches and delete your world's cache files again.

Start the game & load your save. Put the building that you've cleaned up as described above in this wall of text. Go into Build Mode, do something, stay there for a while. Go back to Live mode and try to save. If it works do this with every corrupt lot in combination with uncorrupting buildings method. And you're good.

Some steps may be unnecessary like constant resetting or deleting world caches but I exactly did this so take it as you like. If nothing works, your other options are:

Use Nraas Porter and move your town to a new save. Use the method above to make sure your buildings are safe from corruption. And use a newly created Sims 3 folder.

Bulldoze both the building and the empty lot. Do this to every problem lot. Then maybe you can save your game after wandering in Buy/Build Mode. But I wouldn't hold my breath for this one. Another issue with this method is that you will most likely not be able put another lot in place of the one you bulldozed. Because Sims 3.

Or make a copy of your save and enter Buy/Build Mode on every community lot one by one. Try to save once on each lot. If it saves, the lot is safe; if it doesn't lot is corrupt. Quit, load your game and do this for every lot one by one. Make a list of every corrupt building. Either bulldoze them all or never go into Build Mode on them. This way, in theory, you can play your save until another bug hits you in the face! 👍🏻 That's my plan. 👌🏼

I tried to be as clear as possible, keeping it simple, omitting some details but the issue is very complex and confusing. Also heartbreaking 💔 and rage inducing. 🤬 Well, this is it. Wish me luck and good luck to you all trying to play this cursed, borked bugfest of a game.

@pis3update

[joenotexotic99]

Idk if you're still making this, but I want to let you know that we're waiting for BoB Lovetropes p2. My suggestions: Toye, Eugene, Malarkey, Guarnere, Luz, Sobel. Hope you're doing okay <3

A/n: I've been dealing with some stuff lately and now finally have a little time to catch up on old stuff. I also want to apologize anon I couldn't bring myself to soble. Sorry couldn't do it.

-Warnings: fluff, tiny bit of language, got wayyy to carried away with malarkey’s, oops. Might have to turn that into its own thing, if it's not already. Luz is slightly spicy, nothing crazy but you cant miss it.-

Masterlist

Joe Toye

-grumpy vs sunshine trope. Omggggg, the idea of this has me kicking my feet and giggling. Joe Toye is rough around the edges, tough skin. You on the other hand have always been the positive one, keeping the people around you spirits high. Being an optimist of sorts. Maybe not cheerful but you could definitely make someone's day. Yet behind his grumpy facade, he can't help but notice your unwavering optimism. He wasn't opposed to love; he just never expected to be swept off his feet so quickly by one person. Your personality was anything but the same. Never in a million years did he think he was going to fall in love with a bright and shiny person, which was the exact reason why he loved you so much. You two were like night and day. You were the beacon of light in all the darkness. I feel like Toye would also be super protective over you. Kinda the same vibe as liebgott. But that's for another time. 

“Is that a smile I see on your face toye?” “I'm one lucky bastard you realize that?”

Eugene roe

-office romance/forced proximity. I didn't exactly know what to call this one. Both you and roe are easy company medics. Gene from the start, harbord a crush on you. And mean big time crush. Thinking about you he got butterflies in his stomach. You both spent significant time together. Typically the only times you were separated is when you were attending to fellow paratroopers. Bastogne was a turning point. You were in a jeep headed to the church, your hand and a cloth being the soul thing keeping a man alive. You almost made it before the church burst into flames. When Gene heard what happened he got the first ride possible to bastogne. When he saw you, hand now on a clearly dead man, he took you into his arms. He brought you back to the Adrennes forest. As usual you spent the night in genes fox hole the only difference was you both saw what was right in front of you for the first time and kissed. It wasn't until Austria where he gave you a promise ring where he promised to spend and devote the rest of his life with you.

“you make me the happiest man you know that y/n?”

“Tell me that again at our wedding”

Donald Malarkey 

-friends to lovers? Maybe a sprinkle of enemies to lovers?? I don't know but here me out. So you join the paratroopers as a female, the reason you got in was from connections in the army. Seeing how even if you are the most talented female there is, it's still the 40s here. I wouldn't think that the Toccoa men would flat out bully you, but would more just not believe in you. Probably leave you out of a lot of things. Kind of just pretend you weren't there. But not malarkey. He saw something in you that the rest didn't. Honestly he was shocked to see how they treated you. You were the best paratrooper there was in this company. You stood your ground. You met and exceeded in all categories. Passed each test with flying colors. You also were able to do it with the most incredible smile. As much as you disliked it, he stood up for you. Complimented and congratulated you when you did well. You really liked him. He was cute, kind, and not a douche wad. But sadly, most guys here if they weren't mean, they were trying to get Into your pants. As much as you wouldn't mind that with malarkey, you weren't here for that. One day in Aldbourne England you had enough. You weren't going to get swooned into bed and he had to know it. When you had a spare moment you grabbed him and pulled him aside and told him to stop. He was bewildered that this is how you perceived him. He explained to you that was not his intention. You could hear the sincerity of his voice. He meant it. This was the start of your friendship. You both were like a thing but not? Kinda a situationship. But it wasn't official until Haguenau. The effects of war painted across your faces. In one of the houses you laid in one of the beds, trying for the hundredth time to get some rest to no avail. He came and found you. There was little and a lot to say. Instead he kissed you. The past two years of friendship melted instantly into a lifetime of love. 

“god i've wanted you to do that for a long time”

“What happened to ‘I'm not here for a relationship’?”

“shut the fuck up and kiss me again would ya”

William Guarnere

-Enemies to lovers. Come on, this is so perfect. Guarnere is a natural bully. He bullies everybody all the time, but you? He loves bullying you. He always has an insult special for you up his sleeve. However, that's a lie. He hates it to his core. You are the sweetest person ever. All he wants to do is not bully you. He's somewhere in the middle of liebgott and Speers. He doesn't want to be seen as weak. He has this demnor he feels the need to uphold and that everybody around him expects. Not some ooey gooey man. Even though if he could he'd probably worship you. You were perfect in his eyes. He hates himself more and more but the more he digs himself into this hole the harder it is for him to get out. He finally cracks when someone else makes a particular mean stab at you one day at a bar in holland. He can hate himself all he fucking wants for bullying you. But somebody else is doing it? Hurting you? Not going to happen. He breaks his nose, jaw, maybe a rib or two, black eye and busted lip, all before he could get ripped off this guy. You get wind of this later. Within minutes you're confronting him. Before he shuts you up with a kiss.

“I thought you hated me”

“Hate you? No, For fuckes sake sweetheart, I'm in love with you”

George Luz

-meet cute. You originally met just before you signed up to be paratroopers. And I mean just before. You were getting blood work done to test how fit you were to fight.  As you waited in the lobby to fill out paperwork, you went to reach for your pen. That's when you realized it wasn't there. It just so happens that a very cute guy next to you had an extra with him. You quickly filled the paper and exchanged names and conversations. On the way home you couldn't get him out of your head. So couldn't he. Later when you were assigned to easy company you found the one and only George luz. The same extremely handsome guy at the clinic. He immediately recognized you. How could he not? Your face and laugh had been at the front of his thoughts a lot lately. You tried to keep both of your composure during Toccoa seeing how you didn't want to get into any trouble. But that all fell apart after one weekend with a pass and some alcohol. Kisses were shared, clothes were shed and hands roamed. After that night you made it official. Luz also started writing his vows.

“you know I've never felt this way before”

“What the sex or me? Because If it wasn't the sex let me know so we can go again”

“both luz, but I can't turn that offer down now can I”

[stupendousghostswan]

EDIT : I leant of the ship they pushed upon the fans. I am not laughing anymore. FUCK CANON. Arf, I really think it but will need some time. Emotions are high. (respect to their shippers. Ship and let ship. It's that they pulled it in canon like that that bothers me.)

Gonna be honest : that tua has such a bad ending is a relief in a way. It really finally not just takes the show down from its pedestal but burries it deeeeep down. And it makes it so much easier to say "fuck canon". I was stressed before this s4 , if it was good I would have struggled with saying fuck canon and dare to finally post things. Cause it means that I would have faced backlash and had to potentially face pple and get into arguments. Which with my social anxiety and extreme fatigue I just didn't feel like doing. Maybe it's a poor excuse to some but I struggle a lot with social interactions...

Now I just don't care. (I am sorry though for the people that still really cared about the show. For me this show sinked in s2. It fell out of its pedestal back then for me x). So I made my peace with the disappointment... mostly.)

And... I've been eating at myself since I fell into Fiveya/Vanya and it became my main special interest -which any other autistic I think will understand what being THE special interest means.-. I was struggling, terrified of potential backlash and thinking I'd never get to post and share anything, also that this side of the fandom was dead or dormant forever and would always stay so. I felt very alone, I really felt like I couldn't share, due to the fear of backlash. I couldn't even bring myself to try to give a bit to the fandom myself. (I know a big big big part of it was my own imposed limitations. Also I could have maybe dmed the pple I guessed where still in this ship, etc. But I have very bad social anxiety and extreme fatigue and other things so I can't fight the very bad social anxiety for this on top of... dealing with the rest of my life.)

But now I feel such relief and freedom suddenly. I care but also I don't... idk.

So me laughing at this shit ending - as I've been doing for a few hours now - is half a laugh of relief and... bc seriously to beat both GOT and supernatural?!

Now I am not saying I am actually gonna post anything anytime soon. I am excited and under lots of endorphins and dopamine here. But my social anxiety and lack of confidence might catch up very soon 🙈 (spoiler: THEY DID). Plus, I still find my ideas pretty uninteresting and still struggle to finish stuff and struggles a lot with confidence sooo... (and still scared of backlash).

ok also sorry but not posting this on main. I don't have this courage. This is a side account (not side blog, but full on account. I set it up months ago, waiting to either become brave or for the general fandom to die.)

I am already feeling anxiety coming back and itching to write a 3 thousand words disclaimer and explanation of certain things 😭 So i will force myself to do it quickly : I love Viktor (and fiktor) but also love fiveya and Vanya. For me they are separate paper dolls. When taking the Viktor paper doll, that is a trans man, it means obviously taking the trans experience. aka he was always there, etc. But the "existence" of his doll for me doesn't negate the "existence" of the Vanya doll. They don't really exist. It's fiction. Purely fiction. It's not one real person. The Vanya doll was used then they decided to create and use the Viktor doll.

Ok I stop there. I do not come back to edit. I do not come back to edit and/or delete. I post it and not let it lie in my drafts and have eternal regrets. Go on. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave.

(I have already spent at least two hours typing and editing before getting the courage to post it...)

[elisysd]

Easy – Camila Cabello

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

Always thought I was hard to love 'Til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy

Hyde Park at this time of the year was beautiful. It was not summer anymore but fall was not there yet. It was a perfect in between. Strolling along the path, Charles and Lyanna were peacefully enjoying the end of the afternoon, hand in hand. The park wasn't too crowded, the usual tourists having deserted London a few weeks ago. Lyanna had spent the afternoon taking Charles to her favourite places in the English capital. A far cry from the tourist spots, for which Charles was grateful. He wanted to discover Lyanna's London, not the postcard version. He already knew that side of the city. And that had made the young woman happy. He had listened for hours to her tell him story after story. He couldn't help wondering if he too was like that when he talked about Monaco. Seeing her so passionate left a bitter taste in his mouth, a feeling of guilt he couldn't ignore. He couldn't see himself asking her to leave this city that had made her so happy for him. He knew it was something they would have to discuss sooner or later. How to deal with the distance. What to do about it. He knew that one of them would have to make a compromise if they wanted their relationship to last.

They ended up stopping in front of an ice cream shop. Lyanna turned to Charles with a big smile on her face. He found her adorable. She looked like a child on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa Claus. It was rare to see her like that, so carefree. They both ended up ordering two vanilla ice creams. If some people found that boring, they were far from it. As Lyanna had explained to Charles, the simplest things were always the best. And Charles could not disagree with her.

“Oh my god, Lyanna Michel?”

The actress turned around and came face to face with two teenage girls who couldn't have been more than fifteen years old. One of them took out her phone while her friend walked towards Lyanna, looking shy.

“Hello girls.” She greeted them.

“Oh my god, it’s really you!” exclaimed one of them.

“We’re huge fans of yours! Would it be possible to have a picture? It would mean a lot.”

“Yeah, sure. No problem. What are your names girls?”

“I’m Lucy and this is Jasmine.”

One of them turned to Charles to ask if he could take the photo, which Charles gladly accepted. It wasn't every day that he was asked to stand behind the lens and not in front of it. Lyanna took the two girls by the shoulders and smiled broadly. They took a few shots before taking their phones back.

“Thank you so much! You’re like… my idol, I love you so much. It’s because of you that I want to be an actress. I aspire to be like you one day.” Confessed Lucy.

“Well Lucy, do you want some advice?” asked Lyanna.

Lucy nodded, eager to hear what Lyanna was about to say.

“Don’t try to be someone else. Be you. Always. If you want to follow this career path, that’s what you have to remember. Always be natural, it’s a field where everyone want to be someone else, what will make the difference is your authenticity. That and working hard.”

“Thank you for you time and I promise that I will remember that. Have a nice day!”

“You too girls.”

When they had gone their separate ways, Charles returned to Lyanna, handing her the ice cream she had set aside.

“You were great with them.” He said to her.

“Well, I try to. It does not happen often though, don’t worry.”

“My girlfriend is famous, that is something that I will have to remember.”

“Girlfriend, hum? I thought we agreed to not put any labels on ou relationship, yet.”

“Sorry, slip of the tongue.”

“I’m joking, Charles. I like it.” She confessed while slipping her arm beneath Charles’s.

“Thank God because I wasn’t really sorry and it was not really a slip of the tongue. I’m serious about us Lyanna. I don’t see myself with someone other than you. I don’t want to scare you away but…”

“You don’t. I’m not scared, strangely. I thought I would be but I feel fine about it. About us.”

“I’m glad. So does it mean that you will let me take you out on a proper date tonight? I was thinking about Italian food?”

“I would really like that to be honest and it’s perfect because my favorite Italian restaurant is not far away from the apartment.”

Once inside, Charles felt panic sweep over him. This wasn't the first time he and Lyanna had been alone together, but this time it was as a couple and not as friends. He was putting pressure on himself that he knew was unnecessary. As for Lyanna, she had locked herself in the guest room to get ready, leaving her room to Charles. If Charles was stressed, she was not; she felt serene. Charles already knew a lot about her and her past and he was still there, he hadn't run away. Her greatest fear had not been confirmed. She put on a bright red midi dress with puffed sleeves and applied the same colour to her lips before knocking on her bedroom door to see if Charles was all right.

When he opened the door, he stopped dead in his tracks. He knew Lyanna was beautiful, he wasn't blind, but seeing her in red disturbed him more than he cared to admit. His gaze riveted on her lips. Everything about her appearance invited him to give in to her. He cleared his throat to try to compose himself.

“Charles, are you okay?”

“Perfect. You sure you want to go out?”

“Did you change your mind?” she was suddenly worried he didn’t want to be seen with her.

“No. No absolutely not. It’s just… Fuck you’re gorgeous, Lya. I would rather have you all to myself right now than being out in public and not being able to touch you as I would love to right now.”

The young woman became as red as her dress as she slowly began to register what Charles implied. To avoid further embarrassment, she turned away from him to pick up her handbag. A small smile of pride stretched across the pilot's face as he discovered how much he enjoyed making her feel uneasy. Seeing her blush because of him gave him sensations he didn't find unpleasant.

The restaurant had a plant-based decor. Ivy surrounded the pillars supporting the ceiling and the place had a subdued, intimate atmosphere that the couple loved. The waiter took them to the back of the restaurant, to a table isolated from the rest of the room where they could be really at ease. As they sat quietly at their table, the waiter came back to them and, holding out the menu with a trembling hand, confessed to Charles that he was a fervent Ferrari fan and if the driver didn't mind taking a photo, he'd be happy to do so. With a broad smile Charles thanked him for his support and let him get his phone out to take a selfie. Wishing him a good end to the season, he went back to work, leaving them alone at last.

“Sorry about that.” He excused himself.

“I say it’s a tie, ball back into play. To use a sporting metaphor. And since you’re so good with balls…” she teased him referencing to his football skills.

“Are you mocking me, miss Michel?”

“Me? Mocking you? Never, I wouldn’t dare.” She looked at him with a malicious gleam in her eyes.

“You will laugh less when I’ll punish you.”

“And what are you going to do to me, hum?”

“Keep going and you’ll discover it soon enough, love.”

They kept teasing each other and laughing together for a while before moving to more serious topics and conversations.

“How do you feel about meeting my family, officially?” asked Charles

In a few days' time he and Lyanna would be flying back to Monaco to celebrate Charles' 26th birthday with his close family and friends. A big party was organised. A room in a luxury hotel in Monte Carlo had been rented and made private so that they could all get together. Pierre was invited too, and it wasn't stupid to think that Kika would be joining him. Lyanna was delighted at the prospect, looking forward to meeting up with the young Portuguese girl whom she considered to be the little sister she had never had.

“A bit stressed, I admit. I’ve never really met in laws before so it’s all pretty new to me.”

“Don’t worry, my mom is looking forward to meeting you. And you already know my brothers and some of my closest friends. You’ll be fine.”

“What if your mom doesn’t like me?”

“She will love you Lya. I don’t see why she would not. I’m happy with you and it’s all that matters to her.”

“Should I bring her a gift or something?”

“Hey, it’s my birthday. Not hers. Speaking of, can I have a hint on what you are going to give me?”

“Not even in your dreams, Leclerc. You will have to wait.”

“Bummer.”

The evening passed so quickly that soon it was just the two of them in the restaurant. It was as if they were in their own bubble, far away from everything and everyone, from problems and tensions. So much so that neither of them saw the paparazzi taking shot after shot from outside.

“I had an incredible time tonight Charles” admitted Lyanna as she walked through the door of her flat.

“Me too, but I'm glad to finally be alone with you.”

The young man approached the actress, grabbed her by the waist and gave her a slow kiss. Lyanna's arms naturally went first around the pilot's broad shoulders before settling in around his neck and playing with the hair at the base of his neck. She pressed herself against him a little harder, eliciting a groan from Charles.

“What are you doing to me, Lya?” the pilot muttered hoarsely.

“I could ask you the same question.”

The young woman's lips returned to Charles'. With a clumsy gesture he got rid of his jacket before doing the same with Lyanna's, which he threw into the corner of the room. With a clumsy hand, trying as best she could to stay in the warmth of the Monegasque's body, she got rid of her heels, which were hurting her feet. Losing her balance, she was barely caught by the pilot's firm hand. 

“So eager. Be careful, Lya.”

Charles pulled her back against him before cupping his hands under Lyanna's thighs and lifting her onto the kitchen counter. The kisses and caresses became more urgent, clumsier. They became a combination of gasps, whimpers, and ruffled fabrics. 

“Lyanna, babe. If we keep going, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself.” Warned her Charles between two kisses.

Her eyes clouded with desire and her breath coming in short gasps, Lyanna gently moved away from him, letting her head rest against his chest.

“You’re right. We should stop.”

“Yeah, we should.”

“But I don’t want to Charles.” She said looking at him determinedly in the eyes.

That’s all Charles needed to hear before pouncing on her. Between two tender touches, Charles carried Lyanna to the bedroom where he laid her more or less gently on the bed before joining her there. It soon became impossible to determine where one body began and the other ended. Under the light of the full moon, they became one.

Sore but satisfied, Lyanna woke up the next morning to Charles spooning her. She could feel the Monegasque's deep breathing against her neck and the warmth of his hands on her bare stomach. Trying as best she could to free herself and reach for her phone to check the time, she was surprised by the number of notifications waiting for her. After many contortions, she managed to free herself from her boyfriend's embrace. Without a sound she put on one of Charles's T-shirts and slipped out of the room to let him sleep.

It was the message from her best friend that caught her attention. A few words were written but just enough so Lyanna could get a hold of the situation.

Daily Mail. Paparazzi. You and Charles. (by the way you guys look so cute I want to throw up)

Her agent's message was much the same. Except that she asked him what Lyanna wanted to do. First of all, Lyanna decided to look at the photos to see for herself the extent of the damage. She had no trouble finding the article as it was trending on the internet.

She moves on as fast as a Ferrari

After denying rumours a few months ago that she was in a relationship with Ferrari driver Charles Leclerc and casting doubt on a potential romance between herself and her playing partner David Halloway, Lyanna Michel was spotted yesterday getting cozy with the Italian team's number 1 driver.

Lyanna read the article no further. There was no point, nothing good would come of it anyway. She didn't want to ruin her day with it. She wrote a quick reply to her manager asking her to let it go and prepared breakfast. The day was full enough for her as in the evening she was invited to an event with UNICEF, with whom she had recently become involved, to discuss the association's missions and set up new projects.

Charles woke up alone in bed, but with Lyanna's scent on him. Clumsily, while still asleep, he reached for his phone to check the time and, like Lyanna, found himself swamped by messages. When he realized what was happening, his first thought was for Lyanna. The last time the press had interfered in their relationship, they had been just friends, and that had already ended in tears and screams. He had no desire to see it happen again. Wide awake this time, he rushed out of the bedroom, dressed only in his boxer shorts, and found the young woman, smiling, making coffee and cutting fruit. The radio was playing softly in the background. He stopped dead in his tracks; of all the scenarios he'd imagined, the one before him wasn't one of them.

Swaying her hips to the music, she was completely in his world. The shirt rising dangerously high up her thighs made Charles swallow, images of last night flooding back into his mind. When she finally noticed him, she gave him a gentle smile before approaching him with a steaming mug in one hand and a bowl of fruit in the other. She placed a light kiss on Charles's cheek, standing on tiptoe as she passed, and set up the table.

“You okay, Charles?”

“Yeah. It’s just. I was not expecting to see you like that, that’s all.”

“Why?” She asked laughing slightly.

“Have you seen the news?” he asked with caution.

“You mean the Daily Mail and the pictures? Yep I did.”

“And you are okay with it?”

“Does it make me happy that the paps caught us? Obviously not. But it was a risk and I know that being with you will bring attention, that’s something I came to term with. I made peace with the fact that no matter what we’ll do, people will talk and judge. It’s still not a nice feeling, but what can we do about it?”

“I… I definitely was not expecting to see you like that to be honest.” Admitted Charles.

“Oh, sorry. Do you want me to cry and push you away?”

“No absolutely not!”

“Thought so. And to be honest, after last night I feel so great that I don’t think anything or anyone can bring me down.”

“Glad to know that I made you feel like that. It’s flattering.”

She smacked him on the back of the head. They spent the morning and the day doing nothing but playing together, chatting and staying in bed. Then came the time for them to leave for the event. Dressed in a black jumpsuit for Lyanna, Charles having decided to wear an outfit of the same color, they set off.

It was an intimate event, with a few influential personalities, nonetheless. Lyanna met and chatted with some of the association's leaders, while Charles preferred to stay in the background and leave the young woman to her business. He found her attractive in the way she asked questions and mingled with people. He whispered a few words in her ear before heading for the buffet, where he had an unobstructed view of the room. His gaze never left Lyanna for a moment. He still found it hard to believe she was his. The more time passed, the less he felt like letting her go. He knew she'd come with him to Monaco the very next day to be there for his birthday, and then she'd come with him to Las Vegas too. But then he'd have to say goodbye, and that was a moment he dreaded.

A few minutes later, the young woman joined him, and he took the opportunity to hand her a glass of champagne and some hors d'oeuvres he'd set aside for her.

“Did I tell you that you’re the most beautiful woman in the room?” he asked her leaning towards her to brush his lips against hers.

“Charles stop, we’re in public.” She scolded him, laughing.

“Let me be a proud boyfriend, okay?”

They were so much in their own world that Lyanna didn't hear someone approach her and greet her.

“Lyanna?”

At these words, she froze, her face suddenly pale. Slowly she turned around. In front of her, a young blond man with ice-blue eyes was staring at her, sincerely surprised to find her there.

“James?”

====

author's note: Happy quali day!! Hoping for a nice quali session for Charles and a good sunday. The Ferraris seem good even though we all know that we don't have the right to be happy when we support FerrarI, so let's not get our hopes up. I really loved writing this chapter and hope you like it as well! Let me know what your thoughts are, as usual I love interacting with you and reading your reactions. It always makes me happy.

taglist: @zendayabelova @purplephantomwolf @ru-kru @dakotali @blueflorals @aundercover @ruleroftheuniverse @fangirlika @writerscurse @elijahmikaelsonbitch @leclerc13

[idontplaytrack]

You Don’t Know Me

Capri Donahue x fem! reader

Warnings: coarse language, angst, fluff, mentions + descriptions of disordered eating due to anxiety, fear of choking

In which, reader is stubborn, but Capri was a thousand times worse. They fit perfectly like pieces of a puzzle but still seemed like they were fighting fire with fire

Ngl I wrote this for myself to give myself some closure for what I had to deal with while going through this crap I’m about to share below the cut— inspired by my own experience but not 100%. I ramble a lot & the formatting is terrible so before I fix it, ignore the mess🧍‍♀️ its also very unpolished but thought I’d share anyway

Monday. First day of the week- you felt right as rain. Happily, you got ready for school and drove to Capri’s to pick her up so that the two of you could head to school together. “Good morning!” Capri greeted you cheerfully, smooching you on the cheek when she got into the front with you.

“Hi.” You smiled, starting to drive away from her house.

For the past seven months, this has become the routine. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you picked her up. Tuesdays and Thursdays, Capri picked you up. None of this was set in stone— or rather, verbally confirmed at all. It just happened and both of you went along with it. And it worked. Of course, on weekends however, it depended on what either of you would’ve planned.

“How’d you sleep?”

“Amazing, actually. Got enough.” You chuckled over your words.

The day zoomed by expectedly, without a hitch. After school, you went to Capri’s and spent the night. You had quite the restless sleep that night, feeling your head begin to hurt. Oh, boy. That wasn’t good.

The next day, though you woke up with a bit of a headache, but you pushed through— keeping it to yourself, though when Capri asked if you were okay. Capri being Capri, didn’t take your word for it and asked again. You insisted and she got pissed off. By lunchtime, the headache worsened, and you started to have a cough. “Still gonna tell me you’re okay?” Capri asks, her brows raised in suspicion.

You ignored her, biting into the dry sandwich on your lunch tray. She does the same, focusing her lunch instead of you. You looked ahead, your eyes losing focus trying to zone out and tune out the chatter of the cafeteria that was definitely worsening your mood and your headache. The school bell tolls eventually, you got rid of your tray and went your separate ways to your respective classes after lunch. You had calc while Capri had bio class— with Darby, who was actually your best friend in school.

You tried to drink more water, hoping it’d alleviate your pain, but it did not. You saw Capri again. And Darby, after calc, in gym class. The teacher made you all run laps as a warm up and admittedly, you felt like you could have passed out, thrown up or both. But you kept together until the last minute, you asked for permission to go to the restroom and just sat inside until it was time to change out of the attire. After that, you ditched. You got to Capri’s and drove your car back home. And once you got back home, you immediately crawled into bed and slept.

Capri obviously couldn’t find you at all, and what did she do? Complained to Darby. “I think she’s more stubborn than you are.” Darby scoffs. “How’s that helpful?”

��Since when did you ask for my help?”

“You’re her best friend- you can’t get through to her?”

“For what? She’s just sick and stubborn.”

“So I’m just supposed to let her ignore it until she faints?”

Darby laughs, “She’s clearly ditched school. Where do you think she’d go? We know she’s coming down with something. She’ll be fine, she knows what to do.”

“Yeah, everything but tell me she’s not feeling well. Is it so bad to have me take care of her?”

“Like you would tell her if you were sick.” Darby cackled.

“Not my point.”

“This is exactly my point. You’re both so damn stubborn but right now, it’s time for you push that aside and be…gentle with her. Once she’s not sick anymore, squabble all you want. If you push her, she’s just going to shove you back. But that’s not what she needs right now and you know it.”

“Damn, thanks.” Capri pondered over Darby’s words.

————

Capri went over to your house after school. Knowing you well enough, she knew you’d be in bed so she trudged upstairs immediately. There you were, wrapped under the covers and asleep. At least you were getting some rest, she thought.

She felt your forehead with the back of her hand, “You’re a little warm.” She was mumbling to herself but you still kinda stirred in your sleep anyway, turning away from her but still wrapped tightly in your blanket, though. Grabbing a face towel from your closet, she ran it under the tap, wrung it dry and folded it small enough so that she could place that on your forehead. Which was hard considering how you were almost sleeping on your side. After making sure that it would stay put, she retrieved the thermometer and carefully placed it in your ear so that she could figure out what your temperature was.

“Go away, I’m fine.” You mumbled in your sleep.

“No, you are not. Please stop fighting me on this. It’s okay to need help.” Capri sighs softly, taking a look at the reading before putting it back in the cupboard. When she returned, you were lying on your back, eyes barely open.

“You don’t have to take care of me.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Capri bit the inside of her cheek, taking a deep breath, “I want to, okay? I don’t mind doing that. Just close your eyes and sleep- don’t let the towel fall off though.”

“It’s fucking cold.” You scoffed.

“Well, it’s either that method or the medication. Take your pick.” Admitting defeat but staying silent, you fell back asleep soon afterwards. Capri took this time to tidy up your room since she had nothing to do other than sit around and wait for you to wake up again. Not that there was much for her to actually tidy up either, but at least it kept her occupied for a bit.

Things were peaceful until it got to dinner. You refused to eat but she forced you. “I don’t want to.”

“You haven’t eaten anything since lunch and we know it.”

“Capri, I don’t know if you remember, but right now, whatever I try to eat or drink makes it feel like I’m getting water up my nose each time.” That was the most ridiculous sounding statement you’ve said all day but it was the truth. It was a problem that you were dealing with for the last month or so and doctor after doctor said nothing was wrong. Typical.

“The doctors said everything was normal, so can you try and eat something for god’s sake?” Capri inhales sharply, losing her patience towards the end. You looked at her, hurt as tears pricked at your eyes. Pursing your lips together, you got off the barstool and went into the backyard.

Capri knew she’d just fucked up, and usually you’d understand her frustration but being sick? You couldn’t think of anything.

She found you quickly, sitting down on the lounge chair next to yours. “I’m sorry.” She apologizes. You simply avoided her, going upstairs next. Capri huffs exasperatedly while you reentered the house. Her mind wanders back to two months ago at a party where the reason for your current struggle took place- you were choking on something and no one really noticed. You could’ve died that day if James didn’t happen to walk up to you to ask if you’d seen Darby anywhere. Where was Capri when it happened? She went to the bathroom and you just sat on the couch to have some snacks, but some asshole decided that it’d be funny to sneak up on you and scare you so that happened.

When Capri returned, you immediately started to bawl, asking to go home. She looked at James, confused and insanely worried. He told her, and she was dumbfounded. But she took you home and that was never brought up again.

Until recently, the issue with getting you to eat came up. Capri’s mind was racing, part of it worried to death about you, another thinking of what she could actually get you to eat— and how. She was harsh and that was a flaw of hers, which she has been trying to change.

You went back to bed that night, hungry and in tears but terrified to eat. Capri spent the night on the couch, wide awake and checking on you every so often. The next day, she decided to give it another shot. She made you plain oatmeal after a night of thinking- no chewing, no surprises, the consistency seemed safe. You stared at the bowl of goop, tempted and starving. But the fear and anxiety still won. You told Capri no again. And apologised for that, and last night. She doesn’t seem upset or angry, and she doesn’t yell or raise her voice.

“y/n, look at me.” She says. And you do, you locked eyes with her, then she continued speaking, “I’m gonna be right beside you, just in case- please try some oatmeal. Just a little bit. It’s plain, okay? No fruit, flavouring, anything.” You’ve never seen her like this, and it made you even more upset. You wanted to cry, but you wanted to eat something even more. You reached out to grab the spoon, and you feel Capri’s eyes on you but it didn’t bother you. You stuck the spoon in your mouth and just swallowed reflexively. The aforementioned sensation was felt, but you ignored that and kept eating.

After several weeks of this hell, Capri’s learnt what foods you were even willing to just take a bite of. And the answer was plain food. Actually plain- white bread, plain toast, plain yogurt, and plain oatmeal. Your parents washed their hands off you and called you crazy for it, but Capri understood— the image of how terrified you were was etched into her mind forever. The doctors say there was nothing wrong. Yes, physically. This was more of a mental block…the fear and anxiety of choking on whatever you were eating or drinking, and now for the past week, also the fear and anxiety of having food or drinks ‘going down the wrong way’. The incident made you a hypochondriac and you hated that. You hated that your life flipped upside down you could no longer enjoy the things you used to love. It made you feel incredibly isolated, too.

“You’re okay, baby. Just let your body do what it needs to do. You’re alright.” She says softly. Wordlessly, she got off the stool and went to get you something to drink. She was debating whether or not to play it safe and just give you water, or a smoothie which would be more filling. Capri went with the latter, warning you that she’d be using the blender so you didn’t get scared. This was arguably the most you’ve eaten since the incident and Capri was so, so proud. She knew how hard it was, for obvious reasons. Not to mentioned relieved.

She looked over her shoulder to see how you were doing. You were fine, sitting there and eating but looking a little zoned out. Which she expected since you were feeling under the weather. “Do you have a headache?” Capri asks while pouring the beverage into a glass, then another one for herself. You nod, swallowing a mouthful of the food. “I’m sorry, I can’t anymore.” You pushed the bowl away from you slightly.

“That’s okay, you did good.” She took it away, pushing the glass closer to you then sat back down. She feels your forehead, telling you that you felt warmer now. Regrettably, she suggested the medication for it and sent you into tears. So it was damage control time. Chiding herself internally for her decision, she held you in her embrace, kissing the top of your head. “We’ll stick to the towel, alright? I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. We’ll go get you the liquid kind tomorrow if you still need it.”

————

Several minutes later, you and Capri moved back up to your room. Your head felt like it was getting squeezed, and felt heavy. You felt hot yet was freezing at the same time. You were miserable and definitely needed someone with you and you were glad it was Capri.

You knew people feared her, some looked up to her and even worshipped her like royalty. All for different reasons, but you weren’t afraid of her like they were. That’s what Capri liked about you- your personalities were so similar, though yours was considerably more tamed. Especially in the aspect of being way too truthful. Conversations turned into squabbles and jabs at each other quite a bit, but you knew she loved you and you both were trying to get this habit to die. Laying on your back make your cough worse, and you didn’t feel too comfortable on your side so you got frustrated at climbed out of bed.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” You decided.

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

The shower still felt way too cold for you and you got out of there, fast. Though it felt nice to not be sweaty. You noticed your sheets were changed, and Capri’s just walked into the room. “Are you okay?” She looked at you, hoping you’d be honest about it with her instead of trying to tough it out.

“My head really hurts.” You admit, “I’m fucking congested so my ears are hurting too, I’m coughing like crazy. And that shower, was hot but I was freezing.” She bit back a grin, “Babe, could we both just tell each other if we need some TLC, please?”

You sigh, “I’ll try. I’m just used to not asking for help and grew up learning that I should always be independent.”

“While being independent is a good thing, sometimes depending on someone when you’re down will do wonders.”

“You were right, the doctors were right, my parents are right- it’s all in my head and I need to get over it, but I just- please know I’m tryig.”

“I know you are- I see it but sometimes I still get bitchy which I’m trying to stop doing.”

“You’re the only one who’s believed me all this time since-”

Capri pulls you onto her lap, “Remember that- I’ll always be in your corner. Even when in moments where get bitchy. I want you to know and remember that I care though it may not seem like it at the time.”

Eventually, the cold got too much for you to bear even with a long sleeved top and long pants, so you returned to your cocoon of safety under the covers. “Thank you.” You told her groggily, flinching when she places the cold towel back on your forehead almost too quickly.

“Just rest.” She shushed you.

“You missed school today because of me.” You continued speaking.

“Doesn’t matter.” She assured, her hand on your cheek. “You need the rest, close your eyes and sleep on your side. It should help with the coughing.”

Every day since that night seemed like a fight, some days were worse than others but with Capri by your side, you knew you’d be okay. Slowly but surely.

[judy1926]

Vivien Leigh and Laurence Olivier met for the first time in 1939 after a theatrical performance of The Mask of Virtue.

From the first meeting, there was an attraction between the two

After their conversation, Vivien said to one of her friends “This is the man I will marry,” ignoring the fact that she is married and he is also married

After one of Olivier's performances, Vivien visited him in his room, and after chatting a little with a rising actress before she left, she kissed Olivier on the neck shyly and left.

Vivien was attracted to Laurence because of his charm and charisma, according to a biography written about Vivien Leigh Lawrence was attracted to her in a way he had never been to any other woman

Olivier said in Lord Larry: "I couldn't help myself with Vivian, no one could."

"I hated myself for cheating on Jill, but then I had cheated before, but this was something different. This wasn't just lust. This was the love I didn't really ask for but was drawn to."

A year later, a movie brought them together Fire Over England They spent all their time together, but they succumbed to each other's attraction and their secret relationship began

After a period of time, their relationship was secret, and when Vivien played Ophelia on stage in Hamlet, she suffered a brutal bipolar attack. When Laurence Olivier entered the dressing room, Lee suddenly started shouting at him. This incident shook Olivier, as he later described how it was like a switch had been flipped. Lee started yelling at him, then immediately stopped as if nothing had happened. Unfortunately, her illness will get worse.

During their separation in order to expand their professional life, the two exchanged scandalous and romantic letters, dating back to between 1938 and 1939.

After a dispute over my role as Scarlett in the movie Gone with Profit, I was surprised by the difficulty of the work and everyone’s fear of the failure of the assigned project. She wrote to Olivier explaining how she felt. He responded to her You have to be very smart to succeed in your photo career, which is essential for your self-esteem." "…I'm afraid you might become boring. Never for me…but for yourself and because of that for others. It seemed that Olivier's letters were what kept Lee going

After much struggle, the two finally married in 1940

Vivien contracted tuberculosis in 1944 while she was on a trip to South Africa and Olivier was afraid that his wife would die.

“Please, my angel, send me word of what the doctor said, + if I may ask him to send me a report.”

“You are the only person in the world who can make me so hideously selfish love someone else more than I love myself.”

In 1947, Lee's mental state became worse and Olivier's professional life became better.

In 1948, Lee and Olivier went on a six-month tour in Australia and New Zealand to perform and raise money for the theater. Lee's health condition was poor, and severe quarrels occurred between the two due to Lee's sharp fluctuations and Olivier's lack of knowledge of how to deal with her. The strongest quarrel was when Vivien refused to go on stage with Olivier. Because she could not find her shoe, Olivier could not bear her childish behavior and slapped her in the face in front of everyone. She responded to Lee by hitting him on the back hard. However, at the end, the two of them went up on stage with smiles on their faces, but Olivier learned that he lost her in Africa.

Their professional lives were putting a lot of pressure on their relationship and there were constant comparisons, and she was taking the issue seriously and with great fear

The two still wrote letters when apart, but even that romance was beginning to fade

Lee's mental state was devastating for the two

In 1958, I was introduced to Jacques Merivale, who was aware of all his psychological and physical problems. When Olivier found out about this, he asked Jacques to take care of Vivian, and he promised him that.

The instability in their romantic relationship worsened Lee's emotional and mental condition.

By 1960, Vivien was threatening suicide. “Vivien is several thousand miles away, trembling on the brink, even when she sits quietly in her drawing room,” Olivier once said. Olivier and Lee filed for divorce in May 1960. The divorce was finalized later that year and Olivier married again.

Although they were no longer together, Olivier and Vivien continued to write to each other every now and then.

“I want to thank you for understanding all of this for me,” Olivier wrote in a letter to Lee regarding their divorce, according to The Guardian. “You did a noble, brave, beautiful thing, and I'm so sorry, so sorry, because it must have been a hell of a lot for you.”

But she once said to newspaper, “I would rather have a short life with Olivier than a long life without him.”

Her husband, Jack Merivale, left her at home while he went to perform in a play in Eaton Square. When he returned around midnight, he found Lee asleep in bed. Half an hour later, he entered to find her body on the ground. Leigh apparently tried to walk to the bathroom and collapsed due to her lungs filling with fluid, according to Vivien Leigh: A Biography of Anne Edwards.

Merival alerted the Vivien family and then Olivier

He attended and participated in Vivian's funeral even though he was undergoing treatment for prostate cancer

Olivier Merival helped make funeral arrangements and stayed with Lee until her body was removed.

1967 On July 8, Vivien Leigh's death was announced, and all theaters in London's West End turned off their lights for one hour in her honour. A memorial service was held at St Martin-in-the-Fields and Lee's cremated ashes were spread on the lake at her summer home, Tickerage Mill in East Sussex, England.

In a final letter to Vivien just five weeks before her death, Olivier signed, “Sincere love my dear, your Larry.”

In 1989, on July 11, Olivier died of kidney failure

Even after his marriage to Plowright, Olivier held Lee dear in his heart for the rest of his life. It is said that shortly before his death, he found Olivier watching a film starring Lee, with tears in his eyes, “This, this was love,” he said

[babybluebanshee]

Things I've Had To Deal With As A City Librarian: I'm Just So Tired

Haven't done one of these in a while, and things have just been...they've been a time, let me tell you.

*We caught a guy hiding in one of the bathroom stalls after closing. We check the bathrooms to clean up any messes for the next day, and Julie knocked on the men's room door. No one answered, so she went in and checked the stalls. Didn't see any feet so she starts opening the doors. She gets to the handicap stall, and she tries to open it. It's locked. She mutters something about having to unlock it, and suddenly a voice from inside calls out, "Hey, I'm still in here." Julie nearly shrieks. The guy claims that his fly was stuck, but given the fact he didn't say anything when Julie came in and we couldn't see his feet under the stall door means he was probably crouched on the toilet, hoping we'd think the bathroom was empty and he could spend the night in the library.

*My coworker Allie did a cute little display in the kids area where you can write a letter to Curious George. She even made cardboard mailbox for it and put out a bunch of books and movies for people to check out. The amount of vandalism this thing has seen is unreal. One night a kid poked holes in the mailbox with a colored pencil. I was doing a walkthrough after a particularly rowdy family was in the kids area, only to discover that they have thrown everything on the display into the mailbox - the books, the movies, the postcards, the coloring materials, even one of the book stands. We spent about ten minutes fishing everything out.

*Speaking of displays, I did the Black History Month one this year. I worked on it for three months, and to be honest, I was very proud of it. It took up two tables, full of historical events and famous figures of black history. Needless to say, since black history is so damn expansive and my space was limited, a lot of people ended up getting left off (especially local people I'd never learned about). The amount of times people told me I left out a person they personally believed should be on it drove me to distraction. Two separate people told me I missed Kamala Harris (which I'll be kicking myself forever about). One woman asked me why I didn't redo the whole display to add one local figure she thought needed to be included. One woman asked me why she herself was not included one the poet's wall, because she was a published author. No, she was not kidding. I guess I should be thrilled that people were actually interacting with it, but at least a few people telling me I did a good job would have been fucking nice.

*To branch off from the black history month display - the city has an anti-discrimination policy when it comes to people reserving rooms for events. The only thing we explicitly do not allow is social events like parties and anyone attempting to sell something; everything else is fair game. This means we get a lot of obnoxious groups whose views we really, really do not agree with - homeschoolers, churches, conservative clubs, and, my personal favorite, the Sons of the Confederacy. Or as Rachel and I like to call them, The Sons of a Bunch of Loser Piss Babies. They had a meeting there during February, and Rachel was working that day. One of them, in his stupid little gray hat, was standing talking to someone...right next to my black history month display. Rachel told me she wanted to take a picture because the juxtaposition was...stark, to say the least. We're really not that surprised Failfuck McStank didn't notice the irony.

*We've had a guy coming in with his guitar and just...hanging out in the study rooms to play. We can't really do anything about it unless he's too loud or someone actively complains, but we're all kind of puzzled about the library being his first choice of places for a jam session.

*There's a pair of teenage girls that have been coming in for about four months now and their punk vibe is immaculate. The first time I ever saw them, one of them had a giant bleach blond mohawk, a leather jacket with studs, hot pink and black striped stockings, and the most badass combat boots I've ever seen. Her friend had a bleach blond buzzcut, a black jean jacket covered in patches, teal leggings, and red converse that were falling apart. Sherri stumbled on them chilling in the kids area, and noticed the buzzcut one was bent over something. She got closer and realized the kid was knitting a scarf. Mohawk comes in more often, and always has a thick book with her, just lounging in the chairs and quietly reading for a few hours. They're my second favorite patrons and hope they never change.

*A woman was interested in attended my classic book club meeting back in June. We were reading Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, so I gave her a copy. She didn't attend the meeting. She returned the book a few days later and said it was "gross". While she was there, she also picked up her inter library loan of a "romance" novel about a woman falling in love with her abusive stepbrother. I'm all for people reading whatever the fuck they want, but I also feel like if you're gonna read stepsibling porn, you don't get to call lesbian comics gross.

*Two women came in with a little boy who was absolutely bouncing off the walls. They did absolutely nothing to control him - one of them was busy talking to someone on her phone (on speaker till someone complained), the other was perusing the shelves - and the kid was just kind of running around being a nuisance. I was walking back from helping someone in the computer lab and saw the kid taking off his shirt. I told him he had to keep his shirt on, and that's when one of the women finally turned to me and said, "He wants to put his Spider-Man costume on." And I'm like, "Lady, that's great, but you're in a public space, not your living room. Have him change in the bathroom." Luckily they didn't hang around long after that, but fucking hell, the entitlement.

*A woman came in to fax a police report to her lawyer, and Sherri and I ended up being privy to the sordid tale of having her car stolen. She was out with a guy she met on Tinder, and they went to a bar in the next town over. They were getting ready to leave, but she wanted to have a cigarette, so they were standing by her car in the parking lot. Suddenly, three police cars come shooting up, right next to them. Turns out the dude she's with has a warrant out for his arrest. He panics, grabs her keys out of her hand, jumps in the car, and fucking peels away. He ended up crashing it into a ditch less than ten miles away, totaling it. She doesn't even know what warrant was for.

*It's very funny whenever I call anyone for reserve reminders or things like that, because people are so used to getting calls from robots and scammers that they're immensely suspicious any time they answer their phone. And it makes the absolute 180 they do into delighted toddlers, excited to get their books, that much funnier. The scenario usually goes like this:

Me: Hi, is this [insert name]?

Patron: *clearly doing the suspicious Fry face* Yeeeees...

Me: This is Blue, at the library! I was just calling to let you know you have a book on reserve ready for pick up!

Patron: *brightening instantly* OMG thank you! Oh, I'm so glad you called! You've made my day, you guys are wonderful!

Never fails to make me chuckle.

*The assistant librarian is in charge of a lot of the teen programs we do, and by far the most popular are her teen book boxes - the kids fill out a form of stuff they enjoy, and she puts together a box of three books, plus crafts and snacks, for them. On average, she does about twenty of them a month. However - because we are located in the heart of Conservative Brainrot Land, where a not insignificant portion of the population thinks if they're a good little conservative who hates what Fox News tells them to, Tucker Carlson will come give them the hug their dad never did - this has also given us great insight into the minds of ultra controlling parents who would encase their kids in wax if that could keep them from learning things they don't want them to. One particularly baffling example started with a mom asking that no "social justice" be included in the box. The next one asked for "no gender identity". This time? No inclusion. Like...I get why she put that. Because inclusivity = woke = liberal = the devil. But like...do these people hear themselves? Do they know what words mean? Also, I told the AL that she should just give the kid an empty box. She did not follow my advice.

*On the flip side of the crazy, controlling parent thing, y'all remember this family from a while ago? The one where the aunt came in and said Pretty Little Liars had opened a satanic portal that drove her niece to a mental hospital? Well, I'm happy to report that I think the mother of that girl might have had a face turn. The same kid just recently returned several books from the Anita Blake series (which are pretty mature as far as sexuality goes), and she's been in talks with the AL to volunteer for us, informing her that she doesn't know her schedule just yet because her mother is letting her start public school. I like to think the mom looked at that whole situation, took a long, hard look at herself in the mirror, and thought, "Ya know what? I don't think I want to be like this anymore. I think this is a problem." And ya know what? Good for her, and good for that girl. I hope it does them both a world of good.

[tryslora]

On Being a Neurodiverse Creative: Introduction

Welcome to a series of posts (randomly posted—don’t expect a schedule out of me) on the subject of being a Neurodiverse Creative. About how being ND and creative at the same time affects my life and how I do things. How being ND can be both a superpower and a curse all at once.

To that end, let’s start this series with a proper introduction.

Hi there. I’m Tris, and I have ADHD. 

I just received my formal diagnosis this year. I’m 55 years old, and I’ve spent my entire life relying on coping mechanisms and workarounds, but it was only after my son started dealing with his own ADHD that I started to recognize that maybe, just maybe, I had developed those workarounds because of ADHD.

But I couldn’t be ADHD, could I? I tested well (so did my son…). I mean. I struggled with reading comprehension, and memorizing history dates felt impossible, but I got great grades as long as I cared about the subject. I was good at making lists, and I could get things done. Although I am a pack rat, and a mess, and if it wasn’t interesting, it just kept slipping to the bottom of the list, and oh… Ohh.

When I got my official diagnosis, my evaluator and I talked for a while. We had two sessions. One was the informal questions, one was the formal questionnaire required for diagnosis. Afterward she said that she was surprised I had never been diagnosed before. I blame it on my age, and on the fact that I was raised as a girl in the 80s. I was well-spoken, and quiet. My inability to sit still only translated into sitting on my feet and changing position, not running around the room. I talked a lot (too much, and was punished at one point by being separated from every other student so I couldn’t possibly chat wth anyone), right up until I learned I could read in class instead. 

I flew under the radar, and I developed those aforementioned coping mechanisms, and everything was great, until suddenly… it wasn’t.

So here I am at the age of 55 and I’m really looking hard at all my past habits. My past productivity. Things that worked then and don’t now, and vice versa. Places where my brain just STOPS and nopes out of a task. I am analyzing everything I do, and how I do it, and trying to understand myself better.

And I thought, as one does, that maybe I should do some of this analysis in public. Where other people can see it, and possibly benefit from it. Or at least, perhaps, feel like they are not so alone.

Because that last is a big deal. There have been so many times along my creative journey where I felt like I was one person feeling a certain way, and meeting one other person who also had the same problem/thought/etc. allowed me to break past whatever block it had caused.

So that’s who I am. I’m Tris. I have ADHD. I am still trying to figure out how to make it work as I try meds, as I get older, as day job and life stress get to me. And as things change, y’all are welcome to come along for the ride.

[typenull]

how do you find the courage to open up about parts + distinction? its nice in theory (i like being understood and accepted) but in reality its scary. im currently finding it difficult & near impossible to do so with my closest (IRL & online) friends + group therapist. (even names/pronouns). i feel like a trapped deer in headlights. what about you? i think of you as brave and admire that trait about you for being so open about it. sorry if this message is weird. i dont know how else to say it.

wow hi anon, first of all thanks for the ask; i'm really honored that you'd think of me that way about something like this in the first place... and it's not weird at all, don't worry! this subject is definitely something i go back and forth about all of the time, and i think that fear you're describing is completely normal; especially if you're only just beginning to try sharing about having parts at all. so don't worry, i think the fear is actually kind of "baked-in" to the disorder itself, imo.

this got pretty long, so i'm going to put it under a cut!

i think a large part of what you may be picking up on from me has just come from time. i've been formally diagnosed for about 3 years now, but i first identified my symptoms about 10 years ago; i've had a really long time to make a whole fuckton of both mistakes and tough decisions when it comes to how i want to present being dissociative online. compared to how i was when i was younger, i actually consider the amount of actual information i share to be fairly low (so it's surprising to me that i seem as open and not like a private recluse lol) - but my overall acceptance of the disorder and what it means for me to have it has definitely solidified in the past 3 years. that's allowed me to curate a fairly generally cohesive "collective" image, but that can sort of be a pro or a con. i tend to view any information i share online as just being a small "segment" of the overall "chimera" - as long as what sections i share don't put me at risk, it just becomes another facet of how people see me overall. basically, i try to incorporate my view of the disorder into my presentation of my self, i guess. i wouldn't be who i am without my parts, so they become part of me. this mindset largely stems from having to backtrack on a lot of old ideas about the disorder; viewing parts as external figures, presenting parts as Quote Unquote "Completely Separate", etc. you'll have to put your own time into thinking what those sorts of things mean to you, and how you collectively think of it when it applies to yourself.

despite how it looks, i actually have comparatively very few parts that feel fully comfortable "presenting" solely as themself nowadays, and to have that luxury is actually fairly rare. as the guy who's writing this I personally only recently (within the past 2 weeks or so) worked up the courage to present as anything personal to me at all. this is mostly because having a collective name online gives me (overall) the freedom to hide behind that moniker and image that i've spent so long curating, and trying to step outside of that is a pretty big source of risk.

for the most part, i deliberately try not to share information about parts that could put myself in danger, or that would cross those part's boundaries. there are some disagreements when it comes to this; some information that certain parts feel strongest about sharing / feel is strongest tied to their personal identity online can sometimes be information that others feel like "if you post this online we will actually die" about, lol. as always, communication is the most important part of dealing with any part of this disorder.

building off of that, i think the most important piece of advice or what have you is going to sound kind of cliche if you've been deep in the paint on reading advice for DID, but it will get easier as you get to know your parts - and more specifically, each parts boundaries. i would take the time to ask your self and others what exactly it is that makes you freeze up when trying to share or present in a way that's comparatively more open. i'd even ask myself what you consider "being open" means to you, because it's different for everyone. i found myself realizing that a lot of my hangups with it were from other parts' fears or worries, and had to talk it through to come to a middle ground with them.

this is especially true when it comes to wanting to be open to therapists. i've never been in group therapy outside of inpatient before, so i can't exactly be the best help there... but i personally try to remind myself that despite how it feels, i'm technically the person in the position of power in a therapeutic relationship because i'm paying for their service. if i share and i feel it alters our relationship in a way i dislike, or that it puts me in danger, i have the authority to terminate that therapeutic relationship. i would start small and just see how it feels to share about the existence of parts at all in a group setting like that before diving into anything more personal.

i feel like i had more to say, but i've already typed up a whole novel, lol... i hope at least this can give you some insight on where i come from when sharing things online. thanks a lot again for the ask, it means a lot that you'd look up to me in any way. i'm not at all an arbiter of DID advice or anything, but if you'd ever like to shoot me a message off anon you can certainly give it a shot. (even though i'm bad at responding to dms.)

[planefood]

i dont have anything specific to say but!!!!! your robots are sooo soo cool and i love hearing more about them, and id love to know more about the world around them!!!! whats the deal with their setting?

Oh wonderful I was just thinking about this and was considering of making my own separate text post but didn't quite know where to put my thoughts. I'm glad you like my characters :) This is another lengthy answer bare with me I hope you don't mind. SO I don't know if I've actually outright stated this in a more obvious way but all my characters (currently) live in in modern day Auckland, the largest city in my country. It just made sense from a population point of view since about half of our entire population is in that city that that's where most of the robots would be.

and a handy map of the North Island, Te Ika-a-Māui for you before we continue

Tandy lived in the South Waikato for a while before moving to Auckland. Lithium comes from Hamilton, Jay and Phillip both come from Wellington. Cathy comes from around the rural Taupo area. The rest of the (nz) robots are local Aucklanders. I won't go too in depth about city differences and stuff because I only think like... 5 of my followers are from here as well. I know people are definitely more interested in the more 'sci fi' elements of robots living alongside humans, which I'll get to in time, but Aotearoa being the setting for the story is actually pretty important, at the very least in a sentimental level for me and will greatly influence a lot of the writing as we go forward. I want to focus more on that element for this ask sorry if that's not what you were looking for. A little more about me, a huge reason why I put such strong emphasis on my characters living here when I notice other local artists my age don't really tend to do that, is I spent my formative years living in Tokyo, Japan before moving to Aotearoa in like 2008. You can imagine moving from somewhere with 13 odd million people living in it to a city with like a 40,000 population speaking a language I wasn't familiar with was a massive change for anyone let alone a young disabled kid. Originally I was pretty resentful of living here, people at school generally treated me poorly just for being autistic alone only adding with all the cultural and language differences that came from being overseas. If I had simply stayed in Japan in my mind everything would've turned out fine. Now as an adult I do still think about what I would've turned out like if I did stay in Japan, but I still wouldn't trade growing up here for anything. As I get older a lot of cultural influence from Japan slips out of my grasp, I stopped speaking Japanese having nobody else my age who spoke it to talk to and when more things started getting imported overseas to here when I thought I could maybe get that part of myself back it even just a little, it was picked and altered for a more western palette and that's for a country as influential as Japan. I don't want that happening again for the country I live in now. As the internet becomes more commonplace and more NZ artists take the stage they're really starting to appeal to an American audience. It makes sense, it's the majority of your audience. I'm essentially screaming into a void with us making up less than 1% of the world population. I want my art and stories to appeal to a wider audience as well but I don't want to tone down any aspects I feel are important. I'm starting to get sick of writing all my ocs in the states when it's so alien to me just cause it's seen as a blank slate. My story is about robots, yes but it's also about the experience of what it's like to grow up and live here. I want people to really view and experience it like I do whether they've lived here or not, which is super difficult. I have a perspective a lot of people don't and I really want to use that to my advantage. I want to talk about more in depth and more niche aspects of it on here, but I also want to avoid boring anyone or alienating people?

[kakusu-shipping]

YOOOO NEW EMILES JUST DROPPED!! Okay okay, so what are the individual ships for your new Pokemon s/is??? And also what are their origins? Is it like a same backstory, different timelines kinda deal or completely different backstories??

Thankyou Devin for being excited for the New Mes I create like monthly kjgksjgk Always a joy.

All 3 of these S/Is are completly separate persons that I had to do some MAJOR fanagling of story to keep from Interacting because I agree with you, writing yourself interacting with yourself is. Weird. And hard. fdkgjfdkj

The main Story S/I doesn't have a major romantic ship, he's more about the Platonics with Arven, Penny, Nemona, and Team Star. Though I do have a crush on my Armarouge Charlos, so I imagine post story they eventually get together.

My Teacher's Pet S/I was originally a NSFW X Reader I'd drafted up for a School Staff polycule concept I had that... Just kind of developed into more of an S/I as I made myself fall in love with the teachers... I could never write NSFW fic anyway so it's better this way in my opinion.

The DLC S/I is self shipped with Kieran and eventually Drayton and I talk about his backstory Here (No DLC spoilers)

I actually made my Main Story Self Insert LAST year around this same time, that post can be found Here, and nothing major has really changed about him I don't think, but I like his story so I'll tell it again in further detail under the cut!

Emile is the grandson of Director Clavell, and as a child spent all his time either in the lighthouse lab watching his grandfather and Sada work, or scrounging around outside with his brother (not biologically) Arven for any item they could sell for change.

Emile's first Pokemon was a wandering Gimmighoul he had befriended on top of the lighthouse. He was determined to give his Pokemon a chest full of treasure he could be proud of, and put a lot of work into collecting all sorts of coins for his Gimmighoul. He even hand made him a chest to put it all in!

Eventually, Sada and Clavell's research took them into the Great Crater, which meant Emile and Arven weren't allowed to visit them as often. To keep the two out of trouble (following them into the crater unsupervised), the two were enrolled in Naranja Academy, and everything was fine.. for a while.

Emile was Arven's rock when the older realized his mom cared more about her research than him, when he noticed Clavell came out of the crater to visit Emile much more often than his mom did for him, when they went into the crater and it was only Clavell there to greet them, to escort them lower, to take a break from work to make sure the strong Pokemon in the crater didn't hurt them.

This made Emile a lot more protective over Arven. So when he got called into the Director's Office and scolded for how long his hair was by the new Student Council President, Emile didn't hesitate to retaliate.

At first, he was just petty. He grew his hair longer, dyed it bright pinks and oranges and blues, switching it up every day. He'd step on the back of Giacomo's shoes at he walked to class, or shoulder check him just hard enough to make him drop his books. He didn't hurt him physically, just defied him and pushed him around a bit.

Then other students got involved. Suddenly there was a whole group of guys around Emile with long deep purple hair and their uniform shirts unbuttoned. When he shoved Giacomo, someone else was there to shove him the other way, passing him around like a game of catch.

Anyone who stood up for Giacomo became a target, tripped in the halls, missing gym clothes, spilled lunches, and eventually.. stolen money.

That pompous president deserved it anyway, Emile had convinced himself as he filled his Gimmighoul chest with more coins than he ever could have gotten on his own. He'd convinced himself he was in the right, that that guy's rules were unfair. He didn't even notice when Arven stopped coming to school, or the looks his Gimmighoul gave him sat upon a throne of thievery

On the day of operation star, Emile's Gimmighoul left him, taking the first coin Emile had even given him, and vanishing overnight. Emile had no Pokemon to battle back against Team Star with. He was one of the first to retreat.

For a full year Emile didn't go back to school. He didn't talk to Arven. He didn't visit his grandfather. He just laid in his room with an empty Gimmighoul chest...

Until Clavell became the new Director.

He urged Emile to come back to school, even going so far as to get him a new Pokemon Partner, a noble loyal knight who wouldn't leave him. Charlos, the Charcadet.

Against his better judgement Emile returned to school with the plan to go as under the radar as possible, and stay out of the way of all the kids he's wronged.. Until Charlos dragged him into Operation Starfall.

And that's about it outside of canon events, which unfold about the same just with a little more resistance by the protagonist. It was hard to work with an S/I who wouldn't wanna play along with the story as is, so I gave him 3 Pokemon that'd drag him along the plot.

Charlos for Starfall Street, Koriadon for Path of Legends, and a Rotom Phone that REALLY loves to fight for Victory Road. He should probably have more teammates but I like these three.

[welcome-to-roomba-fazbender]

Charlie read us the bee movie script

"FUCK YOU"

"I'M READING THE ENTIRE"

"MY OCTOPUS TEACHER TRANSCRIPT"

WARNING: VERY LONG POST

"A lot of people say that an octopus is like an alien.

But the strange thing is, as you get closer to them,

you realize that we're very similar in a lot of ways.

You're stepping into this completely different world.

Such an incredible feeling.

And you feel you're on the brink of something extraordinary.

But you realize that there's a line that can't be crossed.

It's quite a long time ago now, that day when it all started.

This place on the tip of Africa is known as the Cape of Storms.

My childhood memories are completely dominated

by the rocky shore, the intertidal and the kelp forest.

We had this little wooden bungalow,

literally below the high-water mark.

So when those huge storms used to come in,

the ocean used to smash the doors down and fill up the bottom of the house.

So it was incredibly exciting as a child

to literally live in the force of that giant Atlantic Ocean.

Most of my childhood was spent in the rock pools,

diving in the shallow kelp forest.

That's what I most loved to do.

As an adult, I'd been separated from that.

And that was fine at first.

Until I went to the central Kalahari about 20 years ago.

I was making a film called The Great Dance with my brother.

And then I met these men

who were probably some of the best trackers in the world.

To watch these men...

go into the incredible, subtle signs in nature,

things that my eye couldn't even see,

and then follow them, sometimes for hours,

and find hidden animals in the landscape

was just extraordinary to witness.

I mean, they just were inside of the natural world.

And I could feel I was outside.

And I had this deep longing to be inside that world.

I went through two years of absolute hell.

I had been working hard for a long time,

I'd just worn myself out.

I hadn't slept properly for months.

My family was suffering.

And I was getting sick from all the pressure.

My mind couldn't deal with all that stuff.

And I didn't wanna see a camera or an edit suite ever again.

I couldn't even face that.

Your great purpose in life is now...

just in pieces.

And you've got this young child that's growing up.

Tom.

I just couldn't, in that state, be a good father to my son.

I had to have a radical change.

And I took inspiration from my childhood,

and I took inspiration from these master trackers

I worked with in the Kalahari.

And the only way I knew how to do it was to...

be in this ocean.

In the beginning, it's a hard thing to get in the water.

It's one of the wildest, most scary places to swim on the planet.

The water drops to as low as eight, nine degrees Celsius.

The cold takes your breath away.

And you just have to relax.

And then you'll get this beautiful window of time

for 10, 15 minutes.

Suddenly...

everything feels okay.

The cold upgrades the brain because you're getting this flood of chemicals

every time you immerse in that cold water.

Your whole body comes alive.

And then, as your body adapts, it just becomes easier and easier.

And eventually...

after about a year...

you start to crave the cold.

What's so amazing about this environment

is you're in a three-dimensional forest,

and you can jump off the top and go wherever you want.

You're flying, basically.

You might as well be on another planet.

You naturally just get more relaxed in the water.

You get to be able to hold your breath for longer.

Having a scuba t*nk in a thick kelp forest

is not optimal for me.

I want to be more like an amphibious animal.

Instinctively, I knew not to wear a wet suit.

If you really wanna get close to...

an environment like this,

it helps tremendously to have no barrier to that environment.

And I suddenly realized I've got energy to take images and film again...

and then picked up my camera again

and started doing the thing I love and what I know.

The animals are extremely exotic and strange.

It's, like, much more extreme than our maddest science fiction.

I remember that day when it all started.

I found this very, very special area

that is protected with a big piece of kelp forest,

'cause the forest itself actually dampens the swell.

And the whole forest around there

is absolutely murky, and you can't see a thing.

And in this little 200-meter patch, you can dive

and observe.

And it's an incredible place.

And I remember there was this strange shape to my left

and just going down...

and seeing this really strange thing.

The fish even seemed to be confused.

And then, suddenly...

At the time, I didn't know

I'd witnessed something extraordinary.

I'd come in at the end of a whole drama.

You think, "What on earth is this animal doing?"

And I think she was a little bit afraid of me,

so she lifted this incredibly slippery...

piece of algae that you can hardly hold with your hands

and just wrapped it in this extraordinary cloak around her

and then stared at me out of the little gap.

And then, boom, you know, she was gone.

It's a hard thing to explain,

but sometimes you just get a feeling,

and you know

there's-- there's something to this creature that's very unusual.

There's something to learn here.

There's something special about her.

And then I had this crazy idea.

What happens if I just went every day?

What happens if I... I never missed a day?

And, initially, she was clearly being affected by my presence,

so I thought, "I'll leave the camera there,

and then that will record her going about her business."

She sees this shiny new thing in the forest.

Coming at it with a shield,

just in case it att*cked, and put up the shield.

This is something different. This is interesting.

Touching it, feeling it, tasting it.

If she was in a playful mood, you couldn't leave it there for too long.

She'd just pull the thing over.

It took going in every day to really get to know her environment better.

Initially, it all just seems like much of the same thing.

But then, after a while, you see all the different types of the forest.

You get the old-growth forest.

You get the forest with a lot of different algae growing in the bottom.

You get the misty forest.

As I started to map the environment around her den,

it was shocking to see small caves really close to her,

packed with pyjama sharks.

And they really are her most serious predator.

Their skin is striped. That's why they're called a pyjama shark.

They're not visual predators.

But they have an incredible sense of smell.

And they are particularly aggressive.

They can shove their noses into a small cr*ck.

So they are deadly little octopus predators.

And I was thinking, "Well, how long before something happens with these animals?"

After visiting her more and more and more,

there was a definite moment where...

that fear had subsided tremendously.

She'd see big movement,

and she'd be slightly afraid and then look, "Oh, it's him."

And she'd come out and be very curious.

Very interested, very curious, but not taking stupid chances.

Keeping all the other arms attached to the den

and the suckers in place.

And then it just happens.

I put my hand out a tiny bit.

Something happens when that animal makes contact.

But, at some point, you're gonna have to breathe.

So you've got to very gently

prize off those suckers

without disturbing her,

so that you can actually go up and take a breath.

By far the most powerful

is when it comes out the den

because that's when you know there's full trust.

There's no holding the arms back just in case I have to pull back.

It's like, "I totally trust this human,

and I'm coming out of the den,

and I'm gonna go about my business."

I started to see pretty extraordinary things.

They can look spiky. They can look smooth.

Grow horns on their heads.

They can match color, texture, pattern, skin.

It's beautiful.

Most of the time, she's jetting or crawling or swimming.

But occasionally,

two legs come out.

She walks.

And off she goes, striding away,

walking bipedally.

She puts her body into this strange posture that kind of looks like a rock.

And then two of those arms underneath slowly moving,

so the rock is just slowly moving away.

And then she changes

into this extraordinary, wobbly, flowy old lady in a dress.

Perhaps she's trying to mimic

kelp or algae moving in the swell...

and, at the same time, is slowly moving away.

And this is how she works.

This incredible creativity to deceive.

An octopus is essentially a snail that's lost its shell in evolution.

A very fragile, liquid, soft animal

that relies on tremendous intelligence.

She's got no mother or father to teach her anything. She's alone.

'Cause you've got all these different types of predators, all hunting her.

So, over millions of years, she's had to...

come up with the most incredible methods to deceive them.

And she's got to learn fast because

she's only got just over a year to live.

When you're diving alone, everything about my kit has to be perfect.

And I've gotta be prepared for all eventualities.

I can't be fiddling around. It's gotta be instinctive.

But, at that point, I was making a lot of mistakes.

One day, she was following me.

And that's the most incredible thing, is to be followed by an octopus.

You know, you're just backing away, moving backwards,

and this incredible animal is coming towards you.

And there's not a lot of fear in it at all.

It's curious, and there's trust,

and it's like this fantastic feeling.

And then, bam!

I dropped one of my lenses,

and that thing falling quickly just startles that animal.

And then it turns and rushes, and it's got a huge fright.

And you just... you wanna kick yourself, because it's, you know...

That could have ended in the most incredible interaction and deep trust,

and you've ruined it.

Now, you know, have you ruined it forever?

Uh, is that animal ever gonna trust you?

Has that... has that experience freaked it out too much?

And then I approached her too fast.

And that's when she left the den and got a real fright...

and didn't come back to that den.

And I thought this was over.

She was gone.

I'd had this experience with these incredible San master trackers.

I just thought, "I wonder if anybody could ever track anything underwater?"

This animal has spent millions of years learning to be impossible to find.

I had to learn what octopus tracks looked like.

And that was very frustrating at first, so difficult to discern.

What's the difference between octopus tracks

and heart urchin tracks

and fish tracks...

and worm tracks?

And the predation marks.

The egg casings.

I needed to learn everything.

And then you have to start thinking...

like an octopus.

It's like being a detective.

And you just slowly get all your clues together.

And then I started to...

make breakthroughs.

"Okay, those are the animals she's k*lling."

So I'm looking at kills. I'm looking at little marks, diggings in the sand,

little changes in the algal patterns where she's been moving.

And then knowing, "Okay, this animal is very close now.

It's close. It's within one or two meters."

And then focusing on that small space.

And then, bang!

She's there.

Finally, after looking for her for a week, day after day,

there she was.

It's like a...

a human friend, like, waving and saying, "Hi, I'm excited to see you."

And I could feel it, like from one minute to the next,

"Okay, I trust you. I trust you, human.

And now you can come into my octopus world."

And she's moving towards me.

And my natural instinct is...

to gently back away.

And then I just wanted to keep still, so I held onto a rock.

She just kept coming...

and then covered my whole hand.

I'd been underwater for quite a long time,

so I just gently pushed for the surface, thinking she would move off my hand.

But she didn't. She just rode on my hand right to the surface.

There I was, just staring into the eyes of this incredible creature.

It was difficult to imagine at first

that she was getting anything out of the relationship.

Why would a wild animal, doing its thing,

get anything out of this

strange human creature visiting?

And this is where it gets interesting.

I think quite stimulating for that huge intelligence.

Somehow, she realizes this thing is not dangerous,

so you go and you interact with this human.

And perhaps it does give you some strange octopus level of joy.

When you have that connection with an animal

and have those experiences, it's absolutely mind-blowing.

There's no greater feeling on earth.

The boundaries between her and I seemed to dissolve.

Just the pure magnificence of her.

All I could do at the time was just think of her.

In the water and on land.

I mean, it just became a bit of an obsession.

You just want to visit her every day and see what's going on.

You can't wait to get back in the water.

What goes through her mind? What's she thinking?

Does she dream? If she dreams, what does she dream about?

She just ignited my curiosity in a way that I had not experienced before.

It's very useful to come back home

and try and read as many scientific papers as possible.

She's a common octopus.

Octopus vulgaris is the scientific name.

Two-thirds of her cognition

is actually outside of her brain, in her arms.

Her entire being is thinking, feeling, exploring.

She's got 2,000 suckers, and she's using all of them independently.

How do you do that?

Imagine having 2,000 fingers.

You can compare her intelligence to a cat or a dog

or even to one of the lower primates.

A mollusk shouldn't be this intelligent.

So many times I'd go and search through the scientific papers,

looking for the strange thing I'd seen.

And then you'd just come up absolutely blank. There's nothing.

You're going into a place that's under-studied,

and, almost on a weekly basis, you can find out something new to science.

According to the literature, octopus are supposed to be a nocturnal species.

Now, was she more active at night?

It was a little bit scary in the dark.

These incredible sounds of the humpback whales

coming through the water.

You're on hyperalert.

I couldn't find her. She wasn't in her den.

I'd kind of given up and was going back to the shore.

Something just made me veer slightly to the left.

And there she is...

right in extremely shallow water.

Can't see what she's doing.

These lightning-fast strikes.

Using her arm like this strange w*apon.

Just rolling it up in this fraction of a second.

And I saw her catch three fish like this.

I'd never seen her catching a fish during the day.

Super dangerous out in the deeper forest at night,

so this incredibly clever animal retreats to the shallows,

where it's difficult for these sharks to get to,

and takes advantage of all the wonderful food available there.

The first instinct is to try and scare the sharks away.

But then you realize

that you'd be interfering with the whole process of the forest.

She was out of the den, moving around near the edge of the forest.

I noticed...

the shark.

Body was slightly hunched forward and was following the scent trail.

This is not good.

I think, "Thank God she's safe. She's right under the rock."

These things are coming right into that cr*ck.

And the next minute, the shark is actually clamped down on one of her arms,

doing this terrifying death roll.

And I can clearly see...

her severed arm in its mouth.

You had that terrible feeling in your stomach.

And thank God she managed to get really deep in that cr*ck.

She was moving very badly, slowly, very weak.

She's bleeding. That smell's in the water.

There's quite a distance to the den.

Are these sharks gonna pitch up again?

I thought about helping her back physically to the den.

But, luckily, I didn't need to.

I didn't know...

what was gonna happen to her or if this would make her weak and vulnerable,

and they'd finish her off that night.

And I couldn't help feeling...

had I been responsible for this?

Was she out because I was there?

I felt very vulnerable.

As if somehow what happened to her had happened to me in some strange way.

And then this almost felt, psychologically, like I was...

going through a type of dismembering.

You start thinking about your own death and your own vulnerability,

worried about your family, your child.

I hadn't been a person that was overly sentimental towards animals before.

I realized I was changing.

She was teaching me to become sensitized to the other.

Especially wild creatures.

A scary feeling, going into the water early the next day.

I was very relieved that she was alive, breathing.

She's so weak that she can't make those vibrant colors of a healthy octopus,

and she's just dull and white.

And now I'm worried, "How is she getting food?"

You are crossing a line

when you interfere in the lives of animals.

But I was just too overcome

with my feelings for her.

I don't think it really helped.

And she's right at the back of the den, you know, just not moving much.

I was just checking every day to see if she was okay,

wondering, "Is this the last day? Am I not gonna see her?"

The big relief came a week or so later,

and I could see it had sort of healed over pretty fast.

And then the most amazing thing, to see this...

tiny little miniature, perfect miniature arm...

starting to grow back.

And it gave me a strange sort of confidence

that she can get past this incredible difficulty.

And I felt, in my life, I was getting past the difficulties I had.

In this strange way, our lives were mirroring each other.

My relationship with people, with humans was changing.

My son, at this stage, was very interested in everything underwater.

And every day, I'd tell him the stories.

He'd seen her. He'd met her.

I'd taken him so many times.

The arm becomes pretty functional,

even when it's half grown.

And then, slowly, as the arm grew, she grew her confidence back.

Eventually, about 100 days later, that arm had fully regrown.

An amazing feeling to think that this animal is capable of that

and can withstand such an att*ck and fully recover.

After a while, she was just carrying on with her normal activities,

so I then started a whole new development

of seeing even deeper into her world.

It was a nice, calm, clear day.

She comes around a corner and spots a crab.

The problem when you're a crab,

you're being now hunted by a liquid animal.

She can pour herself through a tiny little cr*ck.

And the crab seems to sense her

and goes and hides underneath a big, poisonous anemone.

And then she waits and hides.

And then the crab thinks, "Okay, everything's all right,"

and makes the mistake of leaving that anemone.

She's quite a messy eater.

Bits going everywhere. The smell's going out.

And then you just look around, and you see these brittle stars,

surprisingly fast, just being drawn to her.

Just a mass of them sort of overwhelm her,

and she doesn't seem sure of what to do or how to deal with them.

So I thought, "Yeah, this is like a real problem now.

She's always gonna have this problem of brittle stars taking all her food."

Not that long in the future,

she's thought, "Okay, brittle stars are stealing my food,"

and has this amazing method of just picking them up with her suckers

and gently just throwing them out the den.

Now she's completely the boss.

She initially adopted the same method to crab hunting with lobster.

You just suddenly see...

lobsters just sh**ting out of the reef.

I'm thinking now, "She's definitely gonna catch this one."

Time and time again, they just evade her.

And then, a couple of weeks later,

watching her coming round the side,

corralling me so that

she can then get between the lobster and myself.

Using me as part of her hunting strategy.

And instead of that messy lunge...

throwing her web over the top.

And then there's nowhere for it to go.

This is an animal that is strategizing

and working out very quickly how best to hunt a very tricky prey.

A lot of her intelligence is built

from the sheer number of prey that she has to catch.

All sorts of animals.

All the mollusks she is capturing, they're quite easy to catch,

but they've got these incredibly hard shells.

Now, how the hell does she k*ll and eat them?

At the base of all those arms,

there's a drill that can drill through hard shell

and then drop venom in there, like a snake,

and see how that mollusk reacts.

But some of these mollusks will only relax

if that drill is precisely in the apex of the shell,

on the abductor muscle.

She basically has to do geometry

to work out exactly the precise spot where she needs to drill that shell

in order to get her food.

This is high-level invertebrate intelligence.

Her ability to learn and remember details.

And it h*t me how she was teaching me so much.

You just can't wait to get up in the morning, 'cause there's so much to do

to understand every little tiny mark,

every little behavior,

every species and what they're doing, how they're interacting.

People ask, "Why are you going to the same place every day?"

But that's when you see the subtle differences.

And that's when you get to know the wild.

So when these thousands of threads going off from the octopus

to all the other animals, predator and prey,

and then this incredible forest,

um, just nurturing all of this.

And now I know how the helmet shell is connected to the urchin

and how the octopus is connected to the helmet shell.

And as I draw all these lines,

all these stories are just being thrown up.

It's almost like the forest mind.

I really could feel it. That big creature.

It was thousands of times more awake and intelligent than I am.

This is like a giant underwater brain operating over millions of years.

And it just keeps everything in balance.

Everything seemed, at this point...

sort of perfect in the forest.

And, of course, you know...

...you've forgotten...

those predators are ever present.

Just have this...

burnt in my memory, this, like, huge shark just suddenly approaching her.

She kept still and tried to hide.

Then you just saw the shark swimming on the periphery, picking up her scent.

And I thought, "Oh, no, this is this whole...

nightmare happening again."

She jets up in the canopy,

and she's wrapping many leaves of kelp tightly around her body

and then just peering out.

All the smell's on the kelp,

so the shark's now biting and snapping at the kelp.

She's sh*t out the back.

She just climbs out over a rock, leaves the water, and I was like...

I just, you know... almost can't believe my eyes.

But the problem is, of course, she's gotta come back.

On the other side, the shark picks up her scent again.

And this crazy chase is on.

And then, I see her,

in a very quick movement,

picking up maybe close to 100 shells and stones...

and then folding her arms

over her vulnerable head.

And in that moment,

I realized, "This is this crazy thing I saw...

so long ago."

Next minute, the shark grabs her.

But I had to breathe.

Rush to the surface as fast as you can.

Straight back down again.

And it's like, "Okay, now, this is too crazy."

Somehow she's managed to maneuver herself into the least dangerous place,

and that's on the shark's back.

The shark tries to shake her off and is swimming away.

Takes a few seconds to figure out,

"What the hell's going on here?"

But you can immediately tell

she's now got the upper hand.

As the shark goes near some of the thick kelp...

she just pushes off the back...

drops the remaining shells

and jets away.

And the shark, it's just been completely outwitted.

The shark comes, does one pass,

but she's completely safe. There's nothing it can do.

And it leaves.

How she can think that quickly and make those life-and-death decisions,

uh, it's just, yeah, pretty, pretty incredible.

I was around for a good 80 percent of her life.

Each moment is so precious because it's so short.

There was this one incredible day.

A big shoal of dream fish.

Fairly shallow water.

Suddenly, she's...

reaching up for the surface like that.

Initially, I thought...

"She's hunting the fish."

Then I was like, "Hold on.

When she hunts, she's strategic, and she's like...

focused.

This behavior doesn't feel predatory to me."

It took a long time to actually, like, process it.

But I couldn't help thinking,

"She's playing with the fish."

You see play often in social animals.

Here's a highly antisocial animal playing with fish.

It takes that animal to a different level.

Oh, then she completely lost interest in the fish,

rushed over...

grabbed hold of me.

And that was the last time we had physical contact.

If I think back,

and I remember it was a very rough day, very turbulent.

Sediment everywhere.

Go down and whoa,

there's another big octopus right next to her.

It's very, very rare to see two octopus close together.

"Oh, my God, what's going on?"

And then seeing that both animals are pretty relaxed

and realizing, "Okay, and then the mating is beginning."

By this stage, I knew quite well the stages of an octopus's life.

So while I was very excited that this mating was beginning,

there was a sort of...

this dread in the bottom of my stomach.

She wasn't coming out of that den.

There was no more feeding, no more hunting.

A huge part of her body is actually given to those eggs.

So she drops in weight, and she loses an enormous amount of strength.

The eggs are laid right in the back, in the dark.

It's impossible to see them.

I just keep going every day and just check.

She's oxygenating the eggs with her siphon, looking after them.

She's just slowly dying

and timing her death exactly for the hatching of those eggs.

I mean, it struck home so hard for me.

Here's an invertebrate, essentially a mollusk,

sacrificing her own life

for her young.

All those eggs hatched.

They're tiny, and they go into the water column.

Hundreds of thousands of them.

And the next thing I saw, she's washed out the den, barely alive.

And the fish, you know, feeding on her.

A lot of the scavengers coming to feed on her.

It was just heartbreaking.

A part of me just wanted to hold her and chase them away.

But I didn't do that.

The next day...

a big shark came...

and just took her away, you know, into the misty forest.

Often, I go to the place of her main den.

And I just float above it and feel her there.

Of course I miss her.

Um...

But, um...

I mean, in some crazy way, it was a relief.

It was a relief, because the intensity of going every day and tracking her, um...

and trying to capture, it was...

It was tough in a way.

I mean, I sort of slept, dreamt...

this animal.

I was... You know, I was...

in my mind, thinking like an octopus.

And... and it was all so taxing, in a way.

Um...

But underneath that,

this incredible pride for this animal

that's been through impossible odds to get to this place.

I mean, an unimaginable life.

One of the most exciting things ever in my life, taking my son,

walking along the shore

and just showing him the... the wonders of nature

and the details

and the intricacies.

I was getting so much from the wild, and I could actually now give.

I had so much energy to give back.

He's like a little marine biologist now. He knows so much.

And very powerful swimmer.

And as he gets older, he seems to want to do it more and more.

To see that develop,

a strong sense of himself...

an incredible confidence,

but the most important thing,

a gentleness.

And I think that's the thing

that thousands of hours in nature can teach a child.

A few months later, after she'd d*ed,

he actually found this tiny little octopus.

It's very rare to see an animal that small.

They have up to half a million young. A handful survive.

So it's a pretty tough road they have to walk.

But that's their strategy, live fast and die young.

We kind of imagined that it might be one of her young.

It was kind of the right size, the right time.

And it was joyous. It was like, "Well, there she is."

She'd made me realize

just how precious wild places are.

You go into that water...

and it's extremely liberating.

All your...

worries and problems and life drama just dissolve.

You slowly start to care about all the animals,

even the tiniest little animals.

You realize that every one is very important.

To sense how vulnerable these wild animals' lives are,

and actually, then how vulnerable all our lives on this planet are.

My relationship with the sea forest and its creatures deepens...

week after month after year after year.

You're in touch with this wild place, and it's speaking to you.

Its language is visible.

I fell in love with her

but also with that amazing wildness that she represented

and... and how that changed me.

What she taught me was to feel...

that you're part of this place, not a visitor.

That's a huge difference."