#soup bitch's problems

[hotnsourdupe]

want the new weather and plants here in the mountains to stop messing w me so i can put my septum ring back in because no WAY it's gonna be in there when im so sniffly but. after i first moved then it was fall allergen time then it was winter so hot/cold changes and now its gonna be springtime and polleny. when will it end

[the-barefoot-hatter]

a freshly human bill AU where he struggles with eating... not because the fear of medication or the texture or the act of eating is troubling... but because the taste is all wrong now.

Everything tastes off now, things he knows taste good aren't anymore, and it's all because the last time Bill had access to living taste buds was when he was inside Ford Pines, and Ford Pines is a freak who eats concerningly old expired food like starving raccoon and drinks coffee that can double as motor oil

the billford kicks in trying to find foods Bill actually likes idk not important, what is important is what is WRONG with Ford's palate

[sunrithyll]

I love how universal "soup" is. All our ancestors figured out how to exploit the food glitch and create more food by just adding water to whatever you have lying around. I'm not that deep into Bible lore but maybe this is how Jesus managed to miraculously feed the people.

[doerot]

If anyone has asked me to do anything ever, I am so sorry. There's a reason I failed at school, and it's only 10% bc I'm stupid

[veunho]

Oh my fucking gods I hate looking for jobs I'm trying to somehow enter gastronomics but. Everyone expects me to have three years of experience??? My dude you're looking for a dishwasher not a chef get a fucking GRIP

[zzencat]

Your Future Spouse As A Mythical Creature + Qualities - ⏳

Welcome to the spooky season folks!! Thought this would be a pretty lightweight and goofy type of reading as we settle in. What are your FS’s qualities? Toxic habits?

Choose wisely. Applicable to future lover or spouse.

Warnings: super long read, suggestive comments (bordering NSFW), some exaggerated details for the fun of it (but the theme and characteristics are still consistent otherwise), toxic tendencies

🥀 THE RITUAL: Clear your mind. Time is now patient and still. Close your eyes, inhale deeply, fill your chest up to the fullest, feel the soft air brush up against the ridges of your nose. Breathe out.

———————————————————————

Pile 1 | The Werewolf

Perfectionistic as hell, likely a planner

The horniness comes and stays fellas…

Extremely careful before decision making, yet impatient (more mentally)

Hides what they really feel. Has a hard time expressing their emotions through words, so your person (well, half-person) shows you instead

Might be wealthy or does very well w/ business or business partners

ALWAYS thinks before they act

very PRIMAL tendencies; will bust major nuts when persuading you to be bred…literally. the need to breed you can become suffocating as it seeps into small actions of daily life. will never stop bugging you about it. eventually, these efforts will increase and become more desperate (but hey, if you like that, go for it 😳)

^^the thought of having a family with you gets them down real bad

EXTREMELY overprotective and possessive over how revealing your clothes might be. don’t be surprised if they finally let you out of the house after you choose to wear a hazmat suit

• will do anything for you!!!! provide food, shelter, money… as long as you depend on them, they feel at their highest.

•^^ this can also indicate an incessant need for control and control over you as well

• typically chooses the safe route; sticks to routes they’re already familiar with and practicality

•^^polite with people or at least acts like a civil person, but is easily misjudged regardless

• kind of old school and can be boring; follows reserved traditions very well

• actually is a beast in the sheets, but prob only does vanilla positions

• is very, very hesitant about letting you go out at night and will bust balls to get you to stay inside

• can get overly paranoid over small things that can potentially harm you

slow, sensual, deep lovemaking sometimes—rough and wild, sloppy and fast at others—just totally unable to control themselves. this is bc they exercise so much control during the day that nights leading up to the full moon, or on the night of, are relentless. Also likes doin’ the dirty in the kitchen (i also see boiling soup and an apron if those have any significance)

grumpy in the morning hahaha. grumpy when you order them to do anything for you, but they’ll do it anyway

When they love, they LOVE. Extremely big hearts and easily empathetic, but never/rarely shows it

for some reason, your fs has a solution or piece of advice for every problem in existence

strong or bold looking, big and broad, intimidating, or a very tall person. might have a resting bitch face

a very good listener

• full moons are equivalent to menstrual cycles where their senses are heightened by tenfold, sensitive to everything in their surroundings (ex: ears perk up to sounds as unnoticeable as leaves rustling…), more emotionally reactive, a ceaseless desire for sex everyday—which gets worse as the full moon approaches 🙈—hastier movements, increased moodiness and appetite, goes out hunting more often. 50/50 have a messier diet or a more strict one

• structured or routined day to day

• has probably talked/will probably talk about raising a family with you at least once, becoming more adamant about it over time

• can seem very insensitive or come off as an asshole at times

• EXTREMELY observant; almost nothing gets past their eyes. It’s almost like an intense OCD thing. Pretty sure a lot of FS in this pile are control freaks or have very specific triggers

• can smell when you’re aroused. if you deal with periods, they know exactly what phase you’re in and keep track of monthly cycles. this is also how they can keep an eye on your fertility and “breedability” levels. likely to show clinginess during these times and try to make moves on you. (it’s a manipulation tactic, don’t fall for it!! 😳)

•^^when you get aroused, they get aroused. they’ll decide to make a move depending on the circumstances

• they have good control and discipline over themselves in general. But they’re still prone to control issues, esp over other people, or obsessiveness

Definitely an overthinker. They don’t like to be vulnerable emotionally. It’s very hard to get close to this person, and even harder to open up

doesn’t care about your “flaws” and doesn’t notice until you point them out; will be genuinely surprised to hear you have insecurities, bc to your fs, there’s no such thing. they don’t understand how you could feel that way about yourself or certain things about yourself

In some kind of leadership role (in work, relationship, or the home) or in a high enough position to give and support. Dominant in the sheets—stubbornly prefers to be

Loves to travel or would travel more if they could

Extremely adaptable and an all rounder; does well under pressure and in uncomfortable situations/environments

Likes bantering and stirring things up on purpose sometimes. Sometimes they’re feelin kinda bratty and will instigate. They fight just to fight. They’re usually quiet, reserved, or introverted

• deep down they know this and they’d even admit it to you if you asked, but they’d be totally onboard with you never going outside again and just staying in the house (it’s a possessive wolf thing maybe)

• you might not know at first, and they might not show it evidently, but they love sad karaoke songs or sad songs overall

Primary love language: Acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gift giving

• *sniffs you with suspicion* “…that’s not my scent…”

• standing watch over you when you use a knife to cut vegetables — says, “are you sure you don’t need my help?” at least 5x in 2 mins, and still doesn’t leave after that

• stare wars with birds on a pole bc they felt offended by the birds staring first

• randomly, abrupt howling on some nights

“You take what I give you”

Acts as your personal bodyguard- will actually fight anyone for you

• loves to smell around your neck area- that shit kinda tickles tho

• (if your werewolf is male): “change out. that’s too revealing. you know men are dogs.” (lmfaooo? says who, the werewolf??)

• scolds you like a damn parent because you went outside at night for a few minutes to get some fresh air

• massages your thighs and feet

• physical contact is a must for them when watching movies with you

—————————————

Pile 2 | The Vampire

• “I ‘vant tu zuck yur blud.”

• a bit of a vanity monster (as most vampires are.) they like the way they look, and also care about how they present themselves to other people and most importantly, looking hot as hell in front of you, maybe too much at times. but from your pov, they really don’t have to try. they’re just naturally…wow. Breathtaking. HOWEVER!!! They use it to their advantage.

• Actual sass-squashes. They’re sassy and for no reason, but you can’t take them seriously when they are 😂😂

• intentionally AND unintentionally funny. like those characters on Disney channel shows that are like “oh yeah? try me” and then some bigger, buffer person comes in and they flinch a little. if you squint, you’ll catch a gulp in there too. it’s funny. endearing even. but they gotta own up to their mistakes and tone down on overcompensating. If there’s one thing they do, it’s to make up for what they don’t have.

• L-O-Y-A-L….by the time they get with you, at least. they might’ve had an…interesting reputation in the past. they might seem selfish bc of it—which is partially true. they can charm people to get what they want. They might/might have had a history of partying, hella socializing, hanging out w/ friends whenever they could (haha get it? hanging out? yk…vampire stuff…)

A total charmer and a flirt. They like to bicker and tease you; playful,, sometimes it’s cute…others, kinda annoying

• if you talk to this person seriously and in a calm and diplomatic manner, they’ll get a little defensive, yes, but A LOT less so than if you were yelling and screaming at them outright. if you both just sit down on the edge of the bed, tilt your head to a 45 degree angle and show your concerns, they’ll reflect and maybe deflect here and there, but they’ll think about it throughout the day.

• I think this person goes through varying phases of heat. (Prob not even the right word here but-) By that I mean, sometimes they wanna get down and dirty for 30 hours straight or just session after session after session nonstop—OR they take what they need and leave for a couple hours, come back again, take, and leave. This is odd at first, but it just comes with the moodiness they inherently have, possibly sticking to them from the past life. They might have suffered with commitment issues, and I don’t mean them per se, but the people around them that didn’t know how to love: family, friends, anyone that was close and left abruptly or never showed love. (Made me a lil sad there...)

• Love is complicated. They didn’t believe in it before and was confident they wouldn’t ever. But when you ask them “What do vampires think about love? Are you allowed to love?”, they turn their heads, take a moment to skim over your face in silence. Love…is what I’m feeling with you. They want to admit this, but vampires can’t feel. Would you even believe them? They don’t even know what love is. They don’t even feel heartbeats anymore, but for some reason, when you look into their eyes like that, there’s a different kind of pulsing. A surge of desire that courses through them, screaming at them to keep you forever. They can’t ever let you go now.

•^ This leads us to possessiveness. They are…*phew* VERY possessive and very dramatic/petty/easily sulky about it. You’ll lose your mind over it. If you do something as simple as shopping, they will follow. Too insistent and stubborn not to. What if you encounter another vampire living among the humans during the day, and suddenly, said vampire wants you too? Sure, they get burnt with a bit of sun, so what? They’d evolved enough to wear a million layers of sunscreen and a million layers of clothing over that, all dressed up like a moving heap of clothes. They care about how others might see them like this, of course, but in moments like these, they don’t care when you’re on the line.

• they’ve never really had their emotions looked at carefully or taken care of. It’s always just been brushed off, not only by themselves but by others as well. I personally wouldn’t doubt if they claimed to never have had real friends or friends that cared about the inside substance rather than the outer. Your fs just seems like they’re trying to fit in, be accepted and validated. You wouldn’t be able to tell at first glance, but as you gradually get to know them, you’ll find that their heart is barely being held together by makeshift glue.

Very in tune with their inner divine feminine energy,, not afraid to tap into it and explore that side more

Not that emotionally developed but has major potential to with the right teacher

Nurturing and caring, but might be materialistic or putting too much importance on the material/physical pleasures. Truly lives for the fun of it

Works hard, plays hard—and will shamelessly chase you

Knows exactly what to say and do that will rile you up. Knows all of your weak spots physically

Down to try anything and everything with you, no complaints

Sensual and passionate personality and in the sheets

Super open minded and curious, easygoing and has no expectations. Makes a lot of jokes too.

Daring, optimistic, brave and believes in no limits (but bc of this, they can be seen as naive or have an innocent nature inside.) Gets in half-fights/arguments w/ people for fun

A total switch in bed; can and literally will do/try anything

Now, dare I say…the FS for this pile have the best rizz and sex game

Some fs in here can get too naggy

They have a great fashion sense or an overwhelming appreciation for fashion, beauty, or aesthetics, and is more than willing to be involved in your fashion styles

Red flag moment: solves problems in your relationship w/ sex so that yall will just forget it and move on

In hindsight, this FS is so flamboyant or charming that you could get lost in what they’re trying to express. They’ve got very fiery energy (betting rn that they have extremely prominent fire sign placements).

P.S. yeah after writing this out and reviewing the format, seeing all the back and forth…pile 2 FS def has a perfection mask thing going on. They wanna make themselves appealing in one way or another, or the consequences will just break them into pieces. The last thing that they want is to be alone.

————————-

Pile 3 | The Fairy

Alas, we’ve gotten to arguably the most healthy future spouse here out of the 3 😅 (and the most intuitive)

Introspective as hell and wise. Helps you with really anything

They’re ok w/ being alone; most introverted of the piles

Positive, hopeful, and optimistic when it comes to others. More pessimistic when it comes to themselves.

Balanced and a good mentor; suuuper patient (a lot of times to a fault)

Learns from their losses and mistakes and becomes a better person, improving almost immediately

Mediator type of person, but will defend you against others in argument—which they’ll win btw

They don’t like seeking help from others—if anything, your FS is usually the helper—even when they can ask for help right in front of them- even if it’s recommended to get help, they still won’t do it

Hella infj vibes tho (if you’re into mbti)

Every show of love is their love language. Bonus points if they wear matching clothes or secretly write poems to you that they’ll never tell you about

This future spouse group has the cheesiest and the sweetest person

Your person can lead a life more flexible financially than the other 2 piles

Also an all rounder! But thinks that they aren’t perfect when they literally are; struggles with their own low self-esteem so they try to build other people up

Putting others before themselves is second nature- they ALWAYS prioritize you or others; extremely selfless

^^Now, each fairy got a different role and purpose. The reasoning for your fs being overly selfless and self-sacrificial varies. The easy answer? Insecurity. Second? Obligation or a sense of duty. The list goes on…

They’ve got that Triple A Threat: Amazing Ass Adaptability. Your person has been thru quite a bit, hell and back. Sometimes, life just likes to mess with them for no apparent reason 🤷🏻‍♀️)

They’re always ready to face challenges; Incredibly strong person. They’ll be with you thru thick and thin!!

Strong sense of justice and equality. OH- and also they like traveling or would like to travel more!

A literal inspiration and hope (yes, with sparkles on top.) Not only do they inspire others, but your person—no matter how rock bottom you get—will never leave you.

gets jealous and easily possessive but doesn't wanna show it (shit's still pretty obvious tho)

The type that babbles their heart out when they get comfy with you. They don’t get like this with just anyone

Likely likes museums and art. Things that the media typically deems boring, weird, or unconventional your FS will prob find interesting. They like to look into deeper meanings and interpretations.

In bed, they’re pretty vanilla and soft. But are open to exploring things that aren’t too wild (like our vampire up above)

(Take this bit very lightly: I see that this person has grown up or has been around “broken” people their entire life, so they feel they need to take responsibility on behalf of those people. They might be some kind of counselor, mentor, or therapist. They’re prone to blaming themselves if situations take a bad turn or go unplanned. I’m also hinting here that some of your FS might have a savior complex, and not on purpose. They might always take some kind of leadership role or something directly beneficial to people- nurses, camp leaders, etc…)

They will take all of the burden so that you don’t have to

If your FS had any weirdo or pervy habits, it’d probably be compulsively stealing your panties or building a shrine with locks of your hair on it 😵‍💫 (which hopefully I hope doesn’t happen. I heard in some fairy folklore, they steal babies, like flying away with the newborn-in-a-basket typa thing- and for no reason too! Don’t let them steal yo babies now!!)

———————-

**Ending Teddy note:

As always, thank you so very much for tuning in with us! I hope you have a spooktacular Scorpio season as we are soon heading into it (depending on when you’re reading this), but really you can read this at any time. Rmr to take everything with a grain of salt! Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. Stay safe out there and rock on people 🤩🤩 Feedback is very much appreciated in any form as it’d help me grow as a reader :)

*This is for entertainment purposes*

[gimmick-blog-bracket]

OK. All the blogs in this special round 0 are under the cut. Every odd number is against the even below it. We'll see how tumblr feels about the bracket image this time, but I'm not posting it until this round 0 is over.

Due to not wanting to spam your feeds and also the tumblr post limit (there are 253 polls this round!), I will be spreading these out via the queue, posting 50 a day.

1: hasgavlebockenburneddownyet

2: flareon-fanart-collection

3: the-compressor

4: rat-detector-but-evil

5: cantheywinthehungergames

6: official-fluffy-posts

7: would-you-punt-them

8: dailyhomestarfacts

9: ominous-signs

10: rat-detector-24

11: throckmorton-the-skater

12: dailytricksterfox

13: identifying-dogs

14: disappointed-by-lack-of-soup

15: identifying-cat-phenotypes

16: the-real-yahoo-mail

17: alphabetcompletionist

18: guillotinema

19: bocchidaily2024

20: the-official-netherlands

21: makingyourfavesinwebfishing

22: rat-detector-detector-detector

23: yesornopolls

24: posts-i-saw-on-wikipedia

25: elvis-official

26: ebugsdotjpeg

27: crane-detector

28: word-problem-posting

29: onionpainter

30: rat-detector-fail

31: i-make-things-snakes

32: the-djavulsksilverhaj

33: onenicebugperday

34: funnier-when-objectum

35: things-that-are-weezer-blue

36: no-stupid-questions-official

37: i-identify-as-an-ominous-threat

38: mysticmagicrat

39: hot-take-tournament

40: rat-detector-8x

41: cantheykillmacbeth

42: is-this-shakespearean-accurate

43: bear-detector

44: inside-outtakes-daily

45: localairport

46: the-demonhaj

47: cat-spotted

48: suddenlyveryloud

49: probablybadrpgideas

50: your-fav-is-divorced

51: parentheses-posts

52: sans-in-heat

53: ifitwasediblewouldyoueatit

54: same-pic-of-the-blue-moon

55: mcmansionhell

56: dailykafka

57: ofishal-fish-posts

58: gimmick-spice-tolerance-bracket

59: really-fucked-up-stimboards

60: polishpriests

61: identifying-dinosaurs-in-posts

62: iloveants

63: gimmick-blog-bracket

64: the-actual-ocean

65: pointless-achievements

66: digital-slenderman

67: making-your-fave-in-fr

68: twopartposts

69: creatures-in-posts

70: not-a-trampoline-daily

71: echo-flower-from-undertale

72: e-counter

73: is-the-post-reliable

74: the-magentahaj

75: the-timeloop-tourney

76: friend-myth-kill

77: couldtransitionsaveher

78: smashorpassgilf

79: ginger-ale-official

80: is-this-fascism

81: official-boob-posts

82: los-camp-daily

83: yesterdays-xkcd

84: earth-updates-today

85: rat-detector

86: fuck-you-in-particular

87: making-you-in-ponytown

88: i-shelve-posts

89: haveyouatethisfruit

90: new-dinosaurs

91: cantheysurvive2001aspaceodyssey

92: stereosexuals-daily

93: does-this-require-cyanobacteria

94: rat-detector-333

95: mammalidentifier

96: is-your-post-grey

97: kittybroker

98: dilfs-dot-com

99: howoldisjimmycarter

100: pokemonbattletournament

101: reallybadblackoutpoems

102: unhelpfultarot

103: postsofbabel

104: the-offical-vine

105: drawing-you-as-a-critter

106: incorrectconspiracytheorist

107: arewebeholdingaman

108: the-official-chaldea

109: lowpolyanimals

110: the-real-will-wood-daily

111: i-want-tennis-ball

112: united-states-health-care

113: snailifier

114: locked-in-or-tweaking

115: the-purple-painter

116: the-actual-catacombs

117: rick-roller

118: identifying-spacecraft-in-posts

119: parappa-raps

120: inthetags

121: little-bitch-detector

122: elitegreet

123: blood-heritage-posts

124: words-that-could-be-jtoh-towers

125: scp-threats-is-back

126: ratdetectordetectordetectordet

127: fake-post-archive

128: ratdectector23

129: one-time-i-dreamt

130: could-they-win-a-holy-grail-war

131: shirtsthatgohard

132: rhinoceros-beetle-official

133: tf2heritageposts

134: pokemon-cards-hourly

135: everydayspamton

136: rat-detector-334

137: in-the-bible

138: fav-character-shroin-count

139: identifying-horses-in-posts

140: cactus-detector

141: peoplegettingkindamadatfood

142: spirit-phone-daily

143: official-mantis-shrimp-posts

144: rat-detector-236

145: whatcoloristhatcat

146: rat-eliminator

147: identifying-maille-weaves

148: the-lilahaj

149: things-that-are-not-true

150: ratdetector-x26

151: terriblerealestateagentphotos

152: in-case-i-die-daily

153: hellsite-proteins

154: good-pokemon-center-reviews

155: how-many-letters

156: characters-with-garlic-bread

157: same-picture-of-a-rock-every-day

158: costcopizzablog

159: shrimpradar

160: do-you-know-this-adhd-character

161: identifying-cars-in-posts

162: shakespearean-suffering

163: the-firey-painter

164: official-wasp-posts

165: identifying-birds

166: pale-fur-my-moirail

167: carbon-monoxide-detector

168: out-of-context-tbcu

169: sealsdaily

170: a-counter

171: counter-facts-i-just-made-up

172: linguistwho

173: validwarriorcatsnames

174: the-litenhaj

175: i-type-things

176: fr-winn-dixie

177: hellsite-hall-of-fame

178: official-hater-posts

179: miscellaneous-marios

180: content-free

181: eroticismofthemachinedetector

182: weeklycandacedrawings

183: asciicompletionist

184: the-rosahaj

185: my-hobby-is-finding-the-source

186: anarchist-chess

187: the-hex-project

188: would-you-eat-them

189: apolladay

190: hajtale

191: evilwizard

192: the-aftonsparv

193: i-give-worms

194: official-knight-posts

195: fluttershywheresheshouldntbe

196: pokemontheywouldhave

197: card-of-the-day

198: mtg-cards-hourly

199: writing-prompt-s

200: mcr5-thoughts-every-other-day

201: memes-to-show-the-past

202: ratdetectortheninth

203: can-they-lift-thors-hammer

204: rat-detectors-detector

205: is-jk-rowling-dead-yet

206: orca-detector

207: amphibianaday

208: jstor

209: dark-wil-wheaton

210: chicago-mentioned

211: critter-creature-or-beast

212: civilisation-updates

213: yeahokayillreblogthat

214: worldofultimategaming

215: maryland-officially

216: fecundinex-official

217: whoishotteranimepolls

218: towhee-enjoyer

219: official-linguistics-post

220: t-counter

221: text-inverter

222: blorbo-court

223: latinare

224: detector-rat

225: making-you-in-atlyss

226: the-turkoshaj

227: i-give-you-a-fish

228: videos-i-didnt-make

229: i-make-things-spheres

230: 1337sp34kr

231: amongus-text-detector

232: rat-detector-16

233: alonglistofbirds

234: half-fey-freak-of-nature

235: girl-detector

236: cursed-facebook-marketplace

237: mouse-spotted

238: accidental-will-wood-reference

239: dear-ao3

240: daily-pokemon-polls

241: googlyeyesonmagiccards

242: totally-france

243: baba-is-blog

244: neilcicierega-daily

245: rat-detector-detector

246: i-give-you-a-manul

247: xkcd-for-that

248: r-ominous-positivity

249: who-jumps-for-the-beef

250: ace-attorney-smash-or-pass

251: making-you-in-spore

252: binas-official

253: i-say-ok

254: rat-detector-redacted

255: couldtheycatchkira

256: connection-terminated-blog

257: identifying-typewriters-in-posts

258: ratdetector13

259: post-store

260: unitedstatesoffandom

261: booktomoviebrawl

262: same-picture-of-benson-every-day

263: bestanimal

264: poorly-identifying-cats-in-posts

265: secondbeatsongs

266: museum-place-of-guys

267: musical-posts

268: libraryofbabel-postlocator

269: todays-xkcd

270: the-gimmick-teachers

271: numberscompletionist

272: am-i-the-asshole-official

273: the-glitter-painter

274: mcr-reference

275: eggblackoutpoetry

276: shinypokemonshowdown

277: rating-shittysawtraps

278: fnaf-flags

279: translatingpostsinfrench

280: rat-detector-twelve

281: pressxtosetfree

282: the-blahaj

283: transit-fag

284: orange-content-rater

285: lichenaday

286: eatorfuck

287: i-identify-guns-in-posts

288: daily-kobold-facts

289: front-facing-pokemon

290: apple-counter

291: thoughts-of-eel

292: rat-detector-19x

293: official-crab-posts

294: its-target-official

295: making-you-in-roblox

296: the-purpurhaj

297: aita-blorbos

298: mcytblrconfessions

299: doyoulikethissong-poll

300: i-remove-color-from-posts

301: flametexting-posts

302: medici-official

303: dailyhatsune

304: litwtc-referrer

305: cat-identifier

306: the-rat-detector-couple-the-1st

307: dailyquests

308: posts-without-the-letter-e

309: the-magenta-painter

310: space-update-today

311: haveyouheardthisband

312: videogameaxolotls

313: i-make-things-into-faces

314: eial-daily

315: the-haiku-bot

316: rat-detector-84

317: ao3org

318: your-fave-as-a-fate-servant

319: would-they-survive

320: chess-rook

321: making-you-in-sticky-business

322: born-against-daily

323: catcrumb

324: birdcounter

325: wtf-scientific-papers

326: is-it-ranboos-birthday

327: herpsandbirds

328: reading-comp-wrong-answers

329: ryunumber

330: c-counter

331: randomitemdrop

332: squeakdreamsresort

333: gimmick-thief-thief

334: favevostagepoll

335: simplified-birds

336: nom-nom-counter

337: i-make-things-content-aware

338: cookieclickercookieeater

339: ca-dmv-bot

340: rat-detector-the-22nd

341: rotating-donuts-blog

342: duothelingo

343: couldtheybekira

344: etho-spotted

345: contextfreepatentart

346: svard-haj

347: fixing-bad-posts

348: starskids-twisted-daily

349: the-icy-painter

350: rat-detector-the-26th

351: jesus-holding-your-fave

352: goodpokeaniscreencaps

353: making-you-in-lps

354: finding-tv-girl

355: is-destiel-canon-yet

356: rat-detector-13

357: it-hurts-to-post

358: rat-detector-seven

359: aistobascistod

360: nether-have-i-ever

361: shit-hdb-would-say

362: objectum-culture-is

363: hitboxesonstockimages

364: black-parade-daily

365: howdotheyliketheirsteak

366: lemondemonlyrics-daily

367: its-wednesday-sparkle-on

368: king-of-the-gods-zeus

369: certifiednewyorkposts

370: jeweledmonstera

371: todaysbird

372: south-carolina-detector

373: the-disempunctuationer

374: scale-polls

375: theyshapedlikefriends

376: big-mayo-official

377: elementcattos

378: massachusetts-official

379: theshitpostcalligrapher

380: hawaii-part-ii-daily

381: fish-identifier

382: the-universe-devs

383: identifying-cars-in-art

384: snake-spotted

385: banjobebleping

386: rat-detector-the-21st

387: relevant-wikipedia-articles

388: noahbaumbachmaritalstatus

389: shark-detector

390: rat-detector36

391: gimmickblog-taxonomist

392: official-level-5

393: peeledpokemon

394: bad-time-analogies

395: bovineblogger

396: the-eldritch-skrackhaj

397: periodiccompletionist

398: soniclesbianflags

399: ohio-thestate

400: fakest-thickwoman

401: bible-word-counter

402: rat-detector-the-18th

403: gimmick-thief

404: colorpicked-flags-from-one-guy

405: three-dee-ess

406: salem-village-everyday

407: the-frightening-ghoul

408: cool-rocks-official

409: bugthingsdaily

410: how-much-yellow

411: is-it-out-of-touch-thursday

412: ditto-dex

413: todays-problematic-ship

414: how-many-purples

415: thefoilguy

416: your-fave-as-owl

417: whatsthebird

418: the-first-bank

419: accidental-homestuck

420: thingsthatcannotsaveyou

421: what-day-of-the-week

422: jamface-daily

423: househeritageposts

424: fictitious-grail-war

425: fox-detector

426: spine-gif

427: hazard-symbols-that-fuck-hard

428: rat-dedecdor

429: worlds-worst-ships

430: marinememes

431: dyktvideogamesfx

432: best-u-of-feenis-program

433: official-olm-posts

434: frollosuggestions

435: lesserknowncryptids

436: random-askbox-shit

437: hands-you-a-spatula

438: alyrictoasongbythecranewives

439: transparentcatpngs

440: sideblog-with-everyone

441: the-reverser

442: rat-detector-72

443: charl0ttan

444: pokemonxniccage

445: is-deltarune-tomorrow

446: ratdetector-x11

447: official-cannibalism-posts

448: hituwithabat

449: magic-vending-machine

450: universal-posting

451: statistical-distr-of-polls

452: incorrect-guilty-gear

453: dog-spotted

454: cccc-reference-counter

455: can-they-assemble-ikea-furniture

456: moonpawmybeloved

457: dailypokemoncrochet

458: rat-detector-the-14th

459: post-uwuifier

460: incaseimakeit-daily

461: makingyourfavindti

462: willwoodoutofcontext

463: was-house-fruity

464: bozarotexts

465: textposttropes

466: i-add-ampersands-to-posts

467: free-post-store

468: rat-detector-rat-89

469: sat-a-day

470: willwooddaily

471: wouldyoudoitforaklondikebar

472: c-official

473: where-is-tom-scott-today

474: tfihwg-daily

475: littleguysdaily

476: rainworld-name-verifier

477: badjokesbyjeff

478: rat-detector-to-the-5th-power

479: identifying-planes-in-posts

480: guiltygearofficial

481: doyouknowthisdisabledcharacter

482: official-bee-posts

483: making-you-in-mc

484: rat-detector-thirteen

485: voiceclaim-polls

486: walmart-the-official

487: tf2-post-archive

488: olipopsoda

489: making-u-a-cube

490: rat-detector-15

491: identifying-guns-in-posts

492: dailyiiwheelship

493: postanagramgenerator

494: will-wood-referrer

495: punctuation-completionist

496: daily-vitamin-an

497: i-give-chess-pieces-to-people

498: left-handed-minecraft-mobs

499: colourpickingpride

500: eurovision-song-bracket

501: incognitopolls

502: self-proclaimed-brick-expert

503: shittysawtraps

504: self-ish-daily

505: i-give-olms-to-people

506: scromble

[an-gothamite-aka-zannalial]

If there's a problem with shapeshifters, brainwashing, copycats, or whatever. I like to think the batfam would say the most embarrassing things to others to prove they were the real one

Dick: tell something we only know

Jason: You hid the Batmobile from B because we accidentally used it to go to your school farewell party and ended up crashing into a lamp post because you were so drunk

Bruce: dick you what

Dick: I can explain

Jason: And you accidentally broke Alfred's favorite pan and then tried to replace it

Bruce: you know I change my mind, you alone in this son

Dick: wait, no don't left me

Tim: prove you real

Steph: You accidentally spilled an energy drink in agent A soup a few days ago, and begged me not to tell anyone

Tim: okay you real, And our agreement is still valid ok

Yj: you what tim

Jason: say something that can prove you not Copycat

Damian: The big wound on your chest was the result of you running and falling down the stairs in the league, not because you died

Dick: Jay why you lie to me

Steph: really I initially believed it was because Joker killed him

Tim: How could you fall down the stairs and get that big of an injury

Damian: It was a league ladder on a mountain, he didn't see the road at night because he was tired and slipped

Duke: Now I know I'm not the only one who gets injured because of silly things

Jason: *dies again

Harper: say it Copycat

Cullen: Before I become more suspicious, I want to say that Harper once peed her pants while riding a roller coaster

Harper: You bitch

Duke: Really I thought you were the I'm-not-afraid-of-anything-girl

Cullen: she just joking

Damian: Just admit you're a shapeshifter

Tim: No. And I have to remind you that you were the one who put those rat into the manor because you thought they were cute

Jon: what, is that true dami

Damian: No but ironically he is real

Bruce: you should

Dick: B Do I really have to tell you about the time you wanted to ask Talia out on a date but instead gave the wrong location,Or when you were scolded by Alfred for setting fire to the kitchen, or when you admitted that you were-

Bruce: enough you're my son

Jl: what

[cheerysmores]

My wife once told me she would never play Baldur's Gate 3 because 'it's that slut game.' One year later she finally caved and did her very first playthrough.

May I present: Mrs. Cheery's chaotic gremlin adventure to Baldur's Gate.

Act 1

Our hero is the drow fighter, Lady Coolio. To this day we do not know whether Lady is her name or her title. She has a big sword, big tits and one goal: get to The Baldur's Gate with no distractions.

Escaped the 'Meat Bus' (Nautaloid). "Right how close am I to Baldur's gate? Like three hours?"

Sold her camp clothes by accident and was very sad that all she had to run around in was a grey hobo sack. (No mods. Sorry wife)

Asked if Withers was Solas's Dad.

Lady Coolio calls Astarion rat boy. In Wifey's words “he told me ‘when I was a little lad Cazador made me eat rats.’”

To be fair she isn't great with names so Halsin = Hoisin Sauce, Lae'zel = onion lady, Volo = Volvo, Cazador = Calzone (sometimes)

In camp: Gale "I'd like to show you something rather magical". Lady Coolio: "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR MAGIC PENIS"

“There are so many dead bodies everywhere this entire place has got to stink” (just act 1 generally)

Act 2

Ran into the shadow cursed lands very under levelled and Last Light inn instantly got sacked. Bad news as she was romancing Karlach and now can’t get her second upgrade. Lady Coolio firmly blames Isobel for "triggering like three opportunity attacks when she could have... not done that."

Died to the shadow curse a LOT. Her: “Why is everyone dying????” Me: “Remember the moon lantern?” Her: “The what?” Me: “… that thing with the swearing pixie in it” Her: “ I still have to use that????” Me: “ yes, because Isobel is dead” Her: "WHY IS SHE STILL CAUSING PROBLEMS."

Hates the Gauntlet of Shar. Asked Shadowheart, “Is Shar the only goddess with an Olympic qualifier to join her religion?”

And now a series of comments on the Dead 3's chosen: “so the bad guys are evil undead Santa, Lady Gaga and the ugliest man I’ve ever seen?”)” “Is Gale… horny for that crown??” “Maybe Myrkul would be more threatening if he wasn’t standing in an giant toilet and not moving”

On discovering the Emperor) “wait my fairy god mother is a SQUID??? oh :( ”

She did however become half illithid but hated that she ended up with varicose veins on her boobs.

Gale and Astarion then graduated to “those weak pudding men” because they kept getting stuck halfway across the map by missing jumps. Act 3

Said “Brexit means Brexit” every time she met someone who was complaining about the refugees.

Went to see Raphael at Sharess's Caress. Didn’t sign his contract “ I trust neither Lord Farquad nor squid man but I’m not selling my soul to someone who has such bad vibes.”

At Gortash's coronation. "I thought he was popular? Like seven people turned up to watch it. Is it because he's really ugly and smells like Lynx (Axe) body spray?"

She wanted to eat Orin's outfit because it looks like delicious bacon.

Walking around the city: "so where do I go??" "Anywhere you like." "I hate this."

She would not stop stealing things. I think she murdered the entire battalion of flaming fist in the lower city because "a lady's gotta eat." She also killed everyone in sorcerer’s sundries including Rolan.

Had the prototypical stress aneurysm while doing the iron throne but somehow managed to get ALL the hostages out.

Lae’zel was kidnapped by Orin for 9 in game days . When I asked about this she said “FINDING CLOWN MEAT IS MORE IMPORTANT.”

“Why does every door here lead to the sewer????? And why are there so many live mines in the sewer??”

(in the basement of the elfsong) “soo because the Emperor has a shitty basement I’m supposed to be best friend with him now? This soup recipe does not make me trust you squid man”

Halsin “nature used all its powers when crafting you” Wife “well it also crafted bacon lady (Orin) so swings and roundabouts”

Astarion stayed a spawn and she convinced Gale not to use the crown. “No one is becoming ultimate bitch on my watch”

Despite her distrust of the Emperor she still allied with him in the final fight. Because, and I quote, "Lady Coolio's goal is to stop the Absolute. The Emperor has the same goal. I don't know when I became everyone's therapist and in charge of them making better choices but I'm putting my foot down at replacing dehydrated onion queen with baldy prince king over here. The Gith's religion is not my problem."

In her canon Lady Coolio and the Emperor high fived when they won.

85 hours later and Lady Coolio is the hero of Baldur's Gate. Please enjoy this picture of our heroine.

[hotnsourdupe]

sad american w a uterus so of course i drank and binged last night. what about it

[ch3rriiii-bunn]

So unfair!

How the fuck do these 4 fine ass mfs get animated and no one's writing smut of them? I'll do it then🤦🏾‍♀️

Warnings: female bodied reader, lots of Degrading, 5 some, Dacryphilia, blood kink? (Just their sharp nails but not too much blood or deep cuts), MEAN DOMS (a little soft dom on Aizetsu part), squirting, humiliation(?), oral sex, rough sex, anal sex

"Hantengu please come out from the corner it was just a small vist from "that man" it's okay" you spoke in a gentle tone trying to calm him down while resting your hand on his shaking body.

"EEEEKKK!!! nooo! That man must've been so angry with me! He looked so mad!" Hantengu panicked and you tried not to laugh since muzan always had a resting bitch face. "You know you have clones right? Just send them to look for the spider, lily, " you said, which made the little old man turn your way with teary eyes and nodded.

When you first met Hantengu, he was hiding in a bush under a tree with just enough shade to cover him from the sun. Your first thought was to help this poor old man with an "allergy" to sunlight and help him to your house for the time being with an umbrella to sheld him from the sunlight. Later that day, you found out you actually rescued a demon, but luckily enough, Hantengu didn't try to kill you. In fact, he now lives with you and makes your home his. It was scary at first because this demon could kill you at any time, but he was always to himself but didn't mind having a human around.

The only difficult part was his clones since each one had their own personality and were much bigger than Hantengu, so dealing with them wasn't exactly the easiest. Whenever it was his turn to search for the spider lily, one clone would stay with you to make sure you wouldn't dare tell any demon slayers an upper rank was living at your house. Only this time, the most bitter clone was in charge of keeping his eye on you.

"Human. Bring me a human here now I'm staving, " said Sekido. You turned your head and looked at him with disgust. "For the last time, my name is y/n. If you can't say my name, don't ask for shit. It's night time. Go look for someone yourself, " you said, preparing your own food. "You stupid human if I go out there and eat you know those slayers will fine us," he said, looking at you furiously.

"Then that's not my problem now, is it?" You smirked and went back to your cooking. There was a moment of silence when you decided to turn your head again to check on Sekido when you noticed him look away quickly with a slight blush on his cheeks. You scoffed. "Were you checking me out just now?" You grinned.

"Absolutely not. All humans are ugly to me, so there's no way I'd be checking you out. " Sekido kept his head turned away from you with his arms crossed. You always had a thing for teasing Sekido since it brought some amusement, and it was way too quiet in your house with just the two of you.

You took off your kimono and put it to the side leaving you in your sarashi and skin tight shorts, Sekido growl "what the fuck are you doing? Put that back on" he said "it's my house and I'm making soup. It gets really hot and stuffy in here. What? Is the 200 year old demon shy to see a half-naked human?" You chuckled at how mad he got but in reality he was trying to relax himself from his cock growing any harder which frustrated him even more and you made it more difficult then he could imagine.

Once your food was done, you bent down searching for a bowl "Hey you want soup too?" You asked, shaking your hips a little."Oh wait, you demons can't eat normal foods since you'll just throw it up," you said and stood back up. "Can... you...!" You felt Sekido standing right behind you, and you turned around with a nervous smile."Heh heh... I went too far this time, huh? " You said, hoping he won't kill you, but you tried to stay calm.

"Put on your kimono. Now, " Sekido said with aggression in his voice holding your kimono in his fist. "You know it's been touching me this whole time, right?" You said bending over a bit more to make your ass rub against his cock and giggled "I can already tell through your clothes it big" you grinned and turned to face him "if you want to fuck me just say so" you said and hopped on the counter and pulled Sekido with your leg to close the gap between you two "no shame in that right?" You grinned, wrapping your arms around Sekido.

"Tsk." Sekido grabbed your hips and slammed his lips onto yours, kissing you deeply and forced his tongue in your mouth. He pulled his pants down just enough to expose his cock and grabbed a handful of your ass as he grinds himself over your clothed pussy. Deep grunts and heavy breaths came from Sekido as he broke the kiss and ripped off your shorts and sarashi right off your body. "You wanted to taunt me just for this? look at you, all wet just from kissing" he said rubbing his two fingers over your hole and then your clit making you mewl "what a slut you are. You should be fucking greatful I'm going to fuck you, being the worthless human you are" Sekido said breathlessly as he rubs his tip over your hole "fuck me please, i need you".

"Huhh? What's going on here?" Urogi opened the door with a cocky grin "wow you both sure are some freaks aren't ya?" Karaku tried to hold back a laugh while aizetsu just looked at you two in the act and turned his head away blushing. "Fuck off. Y/n was pissing me off this is punishment" Sekido said and you giggled "aw that's the frist time you said my name" you said as Urogi and Karaku aw'ed too making Sekido more furious. Sekido picked you up from the counter about carry you to your bedroom "that's not fair for us to do all the work and you just get to fuck y/n... y/n can we join too?" Aizetsu asked softly with Karaku and Urogi wanting to come too.

"Sure why not. That's only fair" you grinned

"Ngh! Haa haa your still so fucking tight. Even after I've came in you twice" Sekido groaned holding onto your hips thrusting his cock inside your filled up pussy. "Mhm too bad you can't see her fucked out face" Urogi caresses your face with his cock in your face "crying already?" He said and wipes your tears with his thumb "We're just getting started" Urogi smirked starts slapping his tip on your lips "open up and suck my cock like a good whore" Urogi said

You sat up as much as you could to level yourself to his cock while behing fucked by Sekido and grabbed his cock in your hand and started sucking it as much as you could and moaning on it. "my cock to big for your mouth y/n? I'm sure you can take more then that!~" Urogi grabbed your hair pushing his cock further down your throat making you choke a little but after some seconds you got use to his size and began to bob your head"that's right keep sucking~ I'm so close- fuck!" His head went back as he thrusts in your mouth.

After a few seconds both Sekido and Urogi came and pulled out a moment after. Sekido sat back as Urogi wipes his cum off your lips "we'd fuck you more but we can't be too gready now. Time to make two more demons cum got it?" He held your face making you look at him and you nod. "Good slut" Urogi smirked and tapped your cheek twice before moving away.

"You look so pitiful and weak right now. I don't think you can handle two more demons, y/n" Aizetsu said taking off his clothes and helped you sit up "no Aizetsu I can take it~ I'm fine I want more~ I can handle more" you bit your lip getting needy "of course you can but this time your gonna have two of us at the same time Kay?" He winked, and you knew what he went "haa what a pain... you have to stand up, but your legs are probably all weak and useless, aren't they?" Aizetsu asked as you shook your head and stood up with wobbly legs "it dosnt matter since you can hold onto our heads" he said holding your hips and then spread your ass cheeks open "w-wait Aizetsu are you!-" you gasped at the feeling of his tounge on your hole and as you were about to bend over Karaku caught you by the hips "Don't pass out on us yet, gonna fuck you real good" he smirked and started licking your clit.

Your moans grew louder from how sensitive you were from Sekido and Urogi. You couldn't help but cover your mouth in some embarrassment. "Don't do that" Aizetsu spanked you hard on your ass and you yelped "I want to hear you moan like the whore you are or eles this won't be fun at all" he said and went back to preparing you. "I was planning on not being so rough, but since you're so shy to let us hear you, I guess I'll have to go all out, huh? Do you want that? To be fucked stupid hmm?" Karaku asked fingering you and you could feel his smirk as his tounge flicks faster on your clit and you nodded whimpering from the pleasure.

After being prepared Aizetsu laid on his back and helped you on top while holding your hips looking at you shyly "your pussy has probably adjusted to our sizes so I'm going to slide right in" he said and as he puts his tip in you go down on it causing you both to let out a moan. "Ass up," Karaku spanked you and grabbed your ass "that hurts! Your nails are too long, " you whined, feeling his nails dig in your skin."That's a lie, y/n... your pussy is throbbing on my cock from that feeling" Aizetsu said

"Heh not only are you a whore but you like a bit of pain too? I could get use to this" Karaku said and slowly pushes himself in your ass making you let out a loud moan. The two demons then started to thrust their hips, making your whole body move. "You're gonna squrt for us this time, got it?" Karaku digs his nails into your hips, making you bleed a little."You didn't squirt before," he pants thrusting harder, "and that was so underwhelming. Be a good whore and make a mess on Aizetsu cock won't you?".

"Sekido was right, you're still so tight~ i-i don't think I'll last much longer" Aizetsu let's out soft moans and whimpers "but I'll try to just to see your slutty pussy squirt on me. I want it so bad~" Aizetsu said and moves his free hand to your clit and rubs it while sucking on your nipples. "T-too much! Aah!! It's too much, " you whined with tears streaming from your face from the pleasure that turned Aizetsu on ever more as he thrusts his hips up harder and faster making you scream in pleasure from him hitting your spot.

"That's right~ That's the voice I wanted to hear," Karaku pants, thrusting harder, making your skins clap, hitting your other gspot in your ass. Karaku slips two fingers in your mouth and whispers in your ear "look at you going stupid on our cocks~ you're so tight and cremaing all over Aizetsu's cock. So fucking sexy~ fuck I'm gonna cum inside this ass" Karaku said as he lifts your leg and thrusts faster in your ass. You could only reply with whoreish moans leave your lips getting close yourself

"Y/n y/n~ oh y/n fuck~ gonna cum inside you- ngh mhm~!" Aizetsu whines as his head fell back on the pillow and grabbing your waist as he came. "cumming- Cummings!" Karaku choked "Me too! Aahh!!!" You both came and this time you squirted just like how they wanted you too. After your intense orgasm your body collapsed on Aizetsu.

They pulled out, and Aizetsu rubbed your back. "I underestimated you. It looks like you are capable of handling 4 demons but I want you to do that again" Aizetsu thrust two fingers in your leaking pussy making you squeal "looks like the others aren't done too" he kisses your chin as you turn around to see the three demons with stiff cocks again "think you're ready for more?" Aizetsu asks and you nod

"Good girl~" Aizetsu said kissing your lips

[niiwa-angel]

Hazbin Hotel Incorrect Quotes

Vaggie, going over more ground rules for the hotel: Alright! We will be having weekly team dinners! Everybody will be taking a turn cooking!

Vaggie: Except Alastor, after the roast incident of April.

Alastor: You all said you wanted a shoulder roast.

Angel Dust: Pork shoulder, not Paul shoulder!

~~~

Alastor, calling a meeting: Listen up, you little shits.

Alastor: Not you Nifty, you're an angel and I'm happy you're here.

~~~

Valentino and Velvette, after losing Vox at the aquarium.

Val: He probably went to the shark tank. He likes sharks.

Vel: You're right.

Vel, laughing: He's probably in the shark tank, he likes sharks so much.

Val: Ha!

Both of them start running.

~~~

Husk: Hello, people who do not live here.

Cherri: Sup?

Husk: I gave you the key to my room for emergencies.

Frank the Egg Boi: We were out of molotov cocktails.

~~~

Charlie: What happens at Overlord meetings?

Alastor: Oh, you know. Boring discussions really. Lots of bureaucracy.

cut to the Overlord meeting

Vox, jumping up on the table: If you don't stop smacking me with your tail, I will end your entire family!

Zeezi: Bitch, try it!

Carmilla: Everyone sit down!

Velvette, recording: Can it old lady! This is gonna break the internet!

Clara smacks Velvette in the face with the handle of her spear: Don't talk to my mother like that!

Valentino: Don't smack my costume designer! She's getting blood all over her clothes!

Rosie, sampling: Tasty blood!

Alastor, also taking a taste: Indeed! Have you considered becoming a soup?

Zestial, fed the fuck up, slamming his hands on the table, effectively shutting everyone up.

Zestial: Sit. Down. Now.

Everyone sits down.

~~~

Lucifer: If you make your hot chocolate with water, you're out of the fucking hotel!

Lucifer: If you're lactose intolerant, you can stay but you're on thin ice!

Angel Dust: I just snort the powder because Vagina took my stash.

Lucifer: ...

Lucifer: What the fuck?

~~~

Velvette, kicking through the door to the Overlord meeting: Hello losers!

Carmilla, not looking up from her tea: Hello, problem attendant.

~~~

Valentino, watching Vox freak out because of something Alastor did.

Val: Is it a chocolate pudding at three am type of night?

Vel: Does the day end with 'Y'?

~~~

Charlie: Can you guys get along for five minutes?

Lucifer and Alastor: No!

~~~

Vox and Valentino, aggressively making out in the kitchen.

Velvette: Can I get a waffle?

Valentino, rips his underwear off

Velvette: Can I please get a waffle?!

~~~

Carmilla: I am this close to losing it.

Zestial: Mine dear, there is no room between thine fingers?

Carmilla, watching Vox and Alastor argue viciously while Velvette, Valentino, and Rosie egg them on.

Carmilla: Yep.

~~~

Velvette: Selfie with the fossil!

Velvette, drags Zestial in for a selfie.

Zestial, noticing the filter: What witchcraft is this?

~~~

Vaggie: Okay people! If you're going to have weird food in the fridge, it needs to be labeled as such!

Vaggie: Alastor, that means labeling your demon meat! Angel, that means labeling your edibles!

Nifty, raising her hand: Are my roaches okay?

Vaggie: We're actually going to get you a mini fridge for your room, because your roaches are creeping people out.

~~~

Charlie: I love you.

Vaggie: I love you too.

Pentious, from the wall: AWWWW!

~~~

Carmilla: Acceptable snacks to bring to the Overlords meeting; brownies, candy boards, cheese plates, and veggie trays.

Carmilla: Unacceptable snacks to bring to the Overlords meeting; anything made with demons, magic mushroom cereal bars, and penis shaped gummies.

Zestial, a spider: I am also not a fan of the mint tea.

~~~

Charlie: Okay! I know its funny that Alastor and I can't walk on ice, but that doesn't mean it's okay to freeze the hallway to watch us slip!

~~~

Husk: I have very high standards.

Angel Dust, pulling out a machine gun and opening fire.

Husk: Oh no! He's meeting all my standards!

[brunchable]

Secret Santa | S. R.

Pairings: Steve Rogers x F!Reader Themes: Ex-lovers. Petty Revenge but Steve is just sweet ;_; Summary: You and Steve are forced to participate in your friend group Secret Santa gift exchange, and of course, you end up assigned to each other. You're determined to give him the worst gift possible, but his surprisingly thoughtful present throws you off—and leaves you questioning your assumptions about him. A/N: This oneshot is a part of my 4K follower Christmas Celebration. Also this one will be connected to Santa Baby that will be released next week. dividers by @saradika-graphics

It wasn’t your idea to do Secret Santa. You’d never suggest something so contrived, so obviously destined for disaster. No, this brilliant plan came courtesy of Nat, whose mischievous smirk while handing out the hat of names told you she knew exactly what she was doing.

The moment you unfolded the slip of paper and saw his name, you felt the universe mocking you. Steve Rogers. Captain Perfect. Your ex.

You stared at the paper as though sheer willpower might summon a new name. It didn’t. Across the room, Steve raised his eyebrows as he read his own slip, the corner of his mouth twitching. You had a sinking suspicion the universe had played a cruel joke on him, too.

“What are the odds?” Nat said, sidling up next to you with a glass of wine.

“Oh, I don’t know. Rigged?” you hissed back, crumpling the paper in your fist.

Steve Rogers had a habit of ruining things. Like relationships. Or, in this case, your plans to breeze through the gift exchange with a generic mug or a gift card. No, this was war. You were going to find the most obnoxious, useless gift imaginable. The kind of thing that screamed, I know exactly what you hate, and I’m leaning into it.

You weren’t just shopping for a gift. You were shopping for revenge.

The mall was an absolute hellscape of holiday cheer—children screaming, Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You blasting on loop, and couples holding hands like it wasn’t a battlefield. You were on a mission, weaving through the chaos, hunting for something so heinous that it would make Steve Rogers cringe.

The first store you entered was a pop-culture knick-knack shop. It was overflowing with mugs that said, “Live, Laugh, Love,” and socks decorated with pizza slices. You rolled your eyes. Too tame. Too basic. No, you needed something with bite. Something so wrong that Steve would open it and instantly regret ever existing.

That’s when you saw it. A coffee mug. But not just any coffee mug.

It was massive, comically oversized, the kind of mug that could double as a soup bowl. Bright red, with bold, white text plastered across the front:

“WORLD’S OKAYEST LOVER.”

You snorted so loudly a nearby teenager gave you a dirty look. But it wasn’t enough. Oh no. You needed more.

Two hours later, you stumbled into the most chaotic store in the mall: an unhinged combination of novelty items, offensive gag gifts, and borderline illegal paraphernalia. The walls were lined with things like glow-in-the-dark shot glasses shaped like butts and calendars full of “inspirational” quotes… all of which were expletives. And there, under a flashing neon sign that screamed, BEST GIFT IDEAS EVER, you found it.

The pièce de résistance.

A calendar. Not just any calendar, though. It was titled:

“12 Months of Aggressive Affirmations.”

The cover featured a cartoon bunny flipping the bird. Each month was worse than the last—January read: “GET UP AND FUCKING WIN,” February shouted, “STOP BEING A SAD LITTLE BITCH,” and March simply screamed, “YOU’RE NOT THE PROBLEM, EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST DUMB AS SHIT.”

You couldn’t breathe. You were doubled over, tears streaming down your face as you clutched the calendar. It was perfect. Aggressive. Vulgar. Completely unnecessary. And most importantly? It would absolutely short-circuit Steve Rogers’ clean-cut, wholesome brain.

You slapped it down on the counter, ignoring the cashier’s judgmental look as they scanned it.

“You okay?” they asked, clearly unnerved by the manic grin plastered across your face.

“Oh, I’m great,” you said, pulling out your card. “This is going to make someone very uncomfortable.”

————

On the day of the exchange, you could hardly contain your excitement. The calendar was wrapped in gaudy, glittery paper that shed sparkles everywhere—another little insult aimed directly at Steve. When he finally picked it up, his brow furrowed at the excessive tape you’d used to ensure he’d struggle opening it.

Everyone watched as he peeled away the layers, muttering something about how you always made things difficult. But when the calendar came into view, his face went completely blank.

“‘Aggressive Affirmations,’” he read aloud, flipping to January. “‘GET UP AND FUCKING WIN.’” His lips twitched, but he refused to give you the satisfaction of a laugh. Instead, he held it up, deadpan. “Wow. You really went for it.”

“You’re welcome,” you said, smirking.

Nat practically fell off the couch laughing. “This is… incredible.”

“Yeah, this’ll look great in his bedroom,” Bucky added, snatching it to flip through the months. “Oh, man, look at June. ‘YOU’RE HOTTER THAN A FUCKING FOREST FIRE.’ Steve, this is the kind of energy you need.”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, “I hate all of you.”

But when you caught his eye, you saw it—a flicker of amusement, quickly smothered by exasperation.

“This is going in my gym. Where no one else can see it.” He put the calendar down carefully, shaking his head. 

“Oh no,” you said, grinning wickedly. “It’s going on your fridge. Front and center. So every morning, you can start your day with a dose of aggressive self-love.”

Steve sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know whether to be mad or impressed.”

“Oh, be impressed,” you said, raising your glass. “It’s the best gift you’ll ever get.”

And when he smiled—small, reluctant, but genuine.

Steve wasn’t good at gifts. Not because he didn’t try, but because he overthought everything. For him, giving a gift wasn’t just about handing someone an object; it was a gesture, a piece of himself. And when it came to you—well, he hadn’t earned the right to give you anything, had he?

The relationship ended because of him. That much was clear. He’d been the one who pulled away, too overwhelmed by his own insecurities and the shadow of the life he thought he couldn’t offer you. And yet, here he was, standing in front of a boutique window, staring at the dress he knew you’d wanted for months.

He remembered the first time he saw you touch it. You weren’t even shopping for yourself. You’d dragged him into the boutique while looking for a birthday gift for Natasha, weaving through the racks with easy confidence. But then, you stopped.

Just for a moment.

The dress was simple—red silk, with delicate straps and a neckline that dipped just enough to make you bite your lip in that nervous way he loved. Your fingers brushed over the fabric, and you sighed, soft and wistful.

“Beautiful,” you’d murmured, almost to yourself.

Steve had stood a few steps behind, pretending to check his phone. He remembered how quickly you moved on, like you didn’t want to linger too long. You probably thought he hadn’t noticed. But he did. He always noticed.

Now, months later, Steve stood in the same boutique, heart pounding like he was about to charge into battle. The sales associate greeted him with a warm smile, clearly trying not to gawk at the former Captain America standing awkwardly among racks of designer dresses.

“I’m looking for a gift,” he said, clearing his throat.

“For someone special?”

He hesitated, the words catching in his throat. “Yeah. She’s, uh... she’s special.”

The associate nodded knowingly and led him straight to the dress. “This one’s a favorite. Classic, elegant.”

Steve reached out, fingers grazing the fabric just as yours had. It felt like silk against his calloused palms—soft, delicate, everything he wasn’t sure he deserved to touch.

“She looked at this one,” he said quietly, almost to himself. “A while ago. I don’t think she thought I noticed.”

The associate smiled gently. “Well, you noticed. That’s what matters.”

He bought it without hesitation, ignoring the price tag. The dress came in a sleek black box tied with a ribbon, and Steve carried it home like it was the most precious thing in the world.

————

That night, Steve sat at his kitchen table with the box in front of him, a pen poised over a blank card. Words had never been his strong suit, but he needed you to know this wasn’t just a gift—it was an apology, a hope, a quiet confession.

After a long moment, he began to write:

Y/N,

I’m not great at words, but you always told me it’s the thought that counts. I saw you look at this dress once, and I don’t know if you even remember, but I do. You should have something beautiful because you deserve everything beautiful in the world. I know I’m the last person who should be saying that. But maybe this can say what I haven’t been able to.

—Steve

He stared at the card for a long time before tucking it into the box.

On the day of the gift exchange, Steve handed you the box without a word. Your name was scrawled on the tag in his careful handwriting. You hesitated, eyeing him warily, but curiosity got the better of you.

As you untied the ribbon and opened the lid, your breath caught.

The dress.

The room felt smaller somehow, the chatter of your friends fading into the background. You didn’t know what to say, and Steve didn’t push. He just stood there, watching you with that quiet, earnest expression that used to make your heart ache.

Your fingers brushed over the fabric, just as they had that day in the boutique. For a moment, you couldn’t speak.

“You remembered?” you finally whispered, looking up at him.

Steve shrugged, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. “I always remember.”

You froze at his words, the weight of them pressing down on your chest. It wasn’t just the dress—it was everything. All the times he’d been paying attention when you thought he wasn’t. All the moments you’d convinced yourself he didn’t care.

Your throat tightened as guilt began to creep in, sharp and relentless.

“I—” You stopped, fingers curling into the fabric. The silk felt too soft, too expensive, too meaningful in your hands. “Steve, I don’t... I don’t deserve this.”

His brow furrowed, and he took a small step closer. “Why would you say that?”

You laughed weakly, a bitter sound. 

“Because I’ve spent weeks trying to think of the worst gift to give you. Something obnoxious. Something petty. And you...” You gestured at the dress, your voice breaking slightly. “You did this.”

His gaze softened, but there was something unreadable in his eyes.

“Y/N,” he said quietly, his voice steady. “You don’t have to feel guilty about that. I get it. You’re angry at me. You have every right to be.”

You shook your head, the lump in your throat growing. “But I shouldn’t still be mad. It’s been months. You tried, Steve. You really tried, and I—”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he interrupted gently.

But that only made it worse. Because you did—not for being angry, but for the way you’d handled it. For not seeing how hard he was trying now.

“I just—” You exhaled shakily, holding the dress tighter against you. “I thought you weren’t paying attention. That I didn’t matter to you like that. And now... this.”

Steve’s jaw tensed, his hands fidgeting in his pockets. 

“You mattered,” he said simply, the rawness in his tone cutting straight through you. “You always mattered. I just... didn’t know how to show it before.”

The room was suddenly too warm, too loud. You felt exposed, vulnerable under his gaze. His words clung to you like static, leaving no room to breathe.

You lowered your eyes, staring down at the dress in your hands. “This... it’s beautiful, Steve. It’s too much. I don’t deserve it after—”

“You do,” he interrupted, his voice firm this time. “You deserve something beautiful. Even if you hate me, Y/N.”

You glanced up sharply at that, seeing the way his eyes flickered with something like regret—or maybe hope.

“I'm sorry. I don’t—” You stopped yourself. Lying felt crueller than the truth. “I don’t hate you, Steve. I just... I don’t know what to do with all of this.”

He smiled faintly, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You don’t have to do anything. It’s a gift. No strings attached.”

And somehow, that made the guilt worse. Because he meant it. You could tell. And it left you wondering if maybe he’d always meant it, even when he didn’t know how to show it.

“Thank you,” you said softly, clutching the dress like a lifeline.

Steve nodded, his hands still buried in his pockets as he stepped back, giving you space. But his eyes lingered, and for the first time in months, you felt like you really saw him. Not the perfect soldier, not your ex—but the man who’d been paying attention all along.

Tags: @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @strawberrybisou @alyana-luvs-u @rogersbarber @veronicapaula

@fynnwolff @bmyva1entine @thereoncewasagirlnamedjane @awaywithtime

[what-even-is-thiss]

Quick and cheap filling vegetarian food (I’m going ovo-lacto for this)

Soup:

Dump some cans of stuff in a pot. Maybe some seasoning too. Pearl barley or rice may also be a good choice to bulk things out. With beans or legumes and some kind of grain you can make a whole protein. If that doesn’t appeal to you add some cheese or poached egg. Don’t add a lot of rice btw it will expand don’t turn your soup into a rice dish I swear to gosh

Quesadillas:

Basic idea for this is shredded cheese melted in between two tortillas warmed up on either side in a pan, in a microwave if you’re feeling extra depressed. But other stuff can be added. Salsa, pico, leftover tofu or beans, sliced peppers or onion. It’s a dish that’s as complicated or as simple as you want to make it.

Casseroles:

Dump a can of cream of mushroom or cream of potato soup on it. It’ll work itself out probably.

Scrambled eggs:

The most braindead way to cook eggs. You can even scramble them in the pan. Put stuff in it. I like putting fried tomatoes in it. Add enough mushrooms and cheese and you can feel your system clogging up in real time. Eat some toast with it to convince yourself that adding carbs makes it fine actually

Curry:

Wildly oversimplified term for basically most Indian food. It’s simpler to make than you think. The spices are the important part. The base of a lot of types of Indian food is onion, ginger, garlic, and tomato and then add spices and stuff to that. What stuff? Whatever. Spinach, potatoes, coconut milk, regular milk, even more tomatoes, lentils, beans, yogurt. Put it over rice probably. Use powdered onion and ginger-garlic paste and canned tomatoes when you’re tired. Probably look up some actual Indian YouTubers and bloggers to get more specific recipes than my stupid ass can provide.

Peanut noodles:

Cook some noodles. Probably ramen noodles. Melt some peanut butter on it and add soy sauce. Merry Christmas.

Melts:

Get a panini press so you never have to think again. Cheese, something else, bread, hot, eat. Add a sauce and some nicely grilled vegetables if you want to but tbh a midnight grilled cheese with tomato isn’t gonna be a gourmet meal. Just make it so you can finish crying.

Smoothie:

Frozen fruit and/or veggies and some kind of liquid. I usually use strawberry, mango, and soymilk. Maybe yogurt too idk. The worst part of this is cleaning the blender later but the actual process of making it is fast.

Pasta:

There’s more to life than just spaghetti and red sauce. Or so I’ve been told. You can use canned soups as a sauce sometimes if you reduce them a bit. I like butternut squash soup. Adding some cream cheese to sauces tastes better than it sounds and can fix your protein problem that you sometimes get with pasta dishes. Keeping a jar of pesto and some mushrooms in the fridge can make for a fast dinner when you need it.

Chili:

Get two different types of beans and some tomatoes and chili powder and whatever in a pot and let those bitches get to know each other and simmer while you stare off into space for a while. Maybe like 10-20 minutes idk it tastes good with sour cream

[beloveds-embrace]

Heeyyy can I be 💚anon?

Also I think I've cooked up some angst for our dutchess >:D

Dutchess loves the four amazing men in her life, so kind and caring. She really loves when johnny cooks for her. Bringing her the most delicious food she's ever had, especially since her family never fed her much. Wanted to keep her thin and proper for any potential suitors. Because of this, johnny feeds her many treats and meals, 90% of the time bringing the food directly to her. And maybe one day he brings her food he has a weird look on his face, he's had an awful long day, but he won't tell his lovely Dutchess that. No no, he wouldn't want to make her upset with his silly problems. So when she asks he assures her, and tells her he made her food with extra love today. At this, she smiles, thanking him before he leaves. She eats the food enjoying every bite, but half a day later she falls extremely ill almost killing her. It's later found out the food was poisoned, this causes her some fear, doubt, and confusion. Did johnny? No he wouldn't..would he? Did none of them actually like her like they said? Did they only say that so she wouldn't out them to the public? So many questions swirling through her head. She was scared, cause if they did try to kill her would they do it again?!?! No she couldn't do this. So no matter how much she loved them, she didn't want to be around any of them out of fear. Refusing to eat Johnny's food, Refusing to spend time with Simon in the library etc. Plain and simple she was scares they wanted her gone, that seed of doubt planted itself in the back of her mind and there was no going back.

John being worried for her tried desperately to get her to eat at least, begging her to. She only relented on one condition her right hand maid was to be the only one bringing her her food once johnny finished making it, and she had to watch it be made as to make sure nothing happened to it. John agrees instantly wanting her to eat to finally get better after the attempt on her life. But she doesn't, she gets sick, sicker even as time passes. She is so weak and frail she can't leave her bed, hardly eating the solid food given to her. Opting for a soup for easier ingestion.

Her dutiful maid with the bright happy smile always watches everytime johnny makes something for the Dutchess. Actually her and the two duke's and head servant...like hawks, all concerned and confused by what's happening. Johnny feels the pressure and the questioning eyes, even he is at a loss of words as to what's happening. Once he's finished they all watch as the Dutchess's maid takes the soup and leaves the room with a kind smile. What they don't see is the hand slipping into the apron pocket. What they don't see is the vile of liquid grabbed from it, or how it's poured into the soup of the sickly Dutchess. They don't see it get put away either. But all anyone sees is the bright happy smile on the maids face as she does her job of making sure the cook or any of the other men pour poison into her food. Finally reaching the room of the Dutchess, she sits next to the bed of the frail woman and helps her drink her soup. Like she has every night for the last few days. Shushing her of any worry saying that none of the men outside that room has done anything to the food for the nth time, and promising her they never will.

I need that bitch dead. Like, dead dead. Six feet under. God, I’m just imagining Simon or Kyle being the ones to realize the truth when they decide, on a whim, to follow the maid and see the split second she pours the poison in and suddenly it all makes sense but they will absolutely make her suffer for making you sick from that poison and making Johnny sick from stress and worry 😩

[peppertoastuniverse]

more than a late night snack – gojo satoru chapter 7: congee   

contents: gojo satoru x reader, geto suguru & reader, ieri shoko & reader, extreme friendship, swearing, fluff, gojo being really whiny this chapter, gojo calls you babe.

summary:  a healthy satoru gojo was already annoying, but a sick satoru gojo is almost unbearable. shoko comes up with a plan, while you and gojo learn about the things that you have in common.

wc: 5.2k

previous chapter ll master list ll next chapter

“oh my god, gojo.” you deadpan, shaking your head. “cmon babe, answer the question.” he whines between a mouthful. you roll your eyes, abruptly moving to get up. ughhh. why did he have to tease you all the time? his dull eyes widen at the prospect of you leaving, “nononono, okay – okay, you don’t have to answer … just stay, please?”

ieri shrugs off her covers in a huff, irritation oozing from her restless body as her phone dings yet again. groaning as she got up, she snatches her phone from her desk, the brightness from the phone making her squint. she mashes the call button with disproportional aggression –  it was way too early for gojo’s bullshit, even for her.  “what the fuck do you want? do you know what time it is?” she spits out, hearing gojo’s familiar huff on the line.  “’was just textin’ you, boo! you didn’t have to call, that was your choice!” ieri rolls her eyes at this audacity, noting that his usual baritone sounded strange. “i cant sleep when all I hear is constant dinging, dude!” ieri deadpans, she hears gojo sneeze, her eyebrows raise. “why do you sound like that, satoru?”

“uhh, like what? handsome? hot? attracti–“  “no, you sound sick.”  “no im not, I never get sick.” he snaps, “if you just wanted to hear my voice, shoko –“

a mischievous smile full of realization stretches across ieri’s face, “oh shit – you’re sick aren’t you?” “don’t be an idiot, i’m not sick – i don’t get sick.” he grumbles.    “is a little cold knocking out the gojo satoru?” ieri teases, sitting back down on the side of her bed.  “i swear, you’ve been hanging out with me and suguru too much – “   “heh, were you up all night thinkin’ about your cute babe? is that why you got sick – ” her voice lights up with glee at the prospect of teasing gojo.    “hey!” gojo nearly shouts irritatingly, “you know that isn’t true, sto–“

“oh man so it is true, I fucking cant wait to tell suguru –”

“shokooooo!! just shut up and listen! i’m just tired is al–“ gojo interrupts himself with a coughing fit, in time with ieri’s snickering.  

 “okay, don’t come to class, gojo. you’re actually sick I can already tell.” ieri grimaces.

“aw, are you worried about lil ol’me?” he answers voice hoarse, sounding more and more congested by the minute.  she scoffs, “ugh gross, no. I just don’t want to get sick. stay away from me.” ieri hangs up before gojo could whine. she lies back into bed with a heavy sigh, a healthy satoru gojo was annoying, but a sick satoru gojo was diabolical. he was going to make this everyone’s problem.

gojo satoru: ur so rude to me, u need to fix that ( ｡ •̀ ᴖ •́ ｡) (5:11am)

ieri shoko: wow bitch after I was going to get you soup later?  (5:12am)

gojo satoru: ( ˶°ㅁ°) ! nvm u r my fav don’t tell sugu ily <3 <3 <3 (5:12am)

ieri shoko: see that’s what I thought go sleep now srsly (5:13am)

gojo satoru:   (⸝⸝⸝･ᯅ･⸝⸝⸝)◞♥︎ (5:14am)

ieri takes a screen shot of the text message, glow illuminating her tired face – oh this will come in handy someday. diving back into her plush mattress, ieri’s thoughts move back to gojo, confident that he was pouting miserably in his room. she shuts her eyes with an amused scoff at gojo’s dramatic antics. rolling over into a more comfortable position, she quickly conjures up a wicked plan before falling back to sleep with a grin on her face.

“really, suguru?” you moan as you watch him take some of the bok choy from his own bowl before placing it into yours. “I said that I was okay!” shooting geto a pout.  “stop being such a fucking–“

“hey, you literally just ate one piece.” he judgementally comments as he meets your challenging eyes, silently encouraging you eat more.

“I can serve myself!” you huff as you lean your chin on your closed fist.

“yeah, how are you gonna kick his ass tomorrow if you don’t eat enough?” ieri teases, eyes on her phone.

“I can pin him without it!” you mumble, catching geto’s amused head shake. you easily take a bite of the vegetable courtesy of the big mother hen seated next to you, playfully knocking your knee to his.  

geto really worries too much.

as you swallow the last bite of your bok choy, you look around the table, eyes settling briefly at gojo’s empty chair.

“satoru still feeling like shit?” geto asks catching your loaded gaze, to which ieri groans as she puts her phone down with a clatter. “idiot has a fever but doesn’t want to rest,” ieri says between a mouthful of rice, “he fucking woke me up at 5AM today!” while suguru sighs, mumbling “yeah sounds like him. when I brought him medicine a few hours ago, he was just playing games on his phone.” geto rolls his eyes. “ah shit – that reminds me, i actually should go pick him up some soup or something after this.” ieri sighs, drumming her nails on the kitchen table, “ughhhh yaga wants me at the morgue in 40 minutes though.” you wrinkles your nose, “I never know how you can eat and then go straight to doing… what you do.”

shoko shrugs nonchalantly, taking a bite of the sauteed pork. “mhm, you get used to it.”

“you’re still eating, though – I can go pick it up? I have to grab something from the combini anyway.” you suggest.

“mhm? you sure?” ieri mumbles, still focused on her meal. “if you wait a couple of minutes I can go with you?” geto suggests. “nah suguru it’s fine, you’re still eating anyway and you have a mission in like 2 hours.” you say quickly taking out your phone to check the time. “what were you going to get for him, ieri?”

“oi! how many times do I have to tell you, it’s shoko!” she throws her crumpled napkin at you, earning her a sheepish smile from you.

old habits are hard to break. and you were stubborn.

though you haven’t been close to her for a long time, you liked ieri. she was outwardly straightforward, smart and determined. ieri had a bluntness to her that you found refreshing albeit a bit harsh at times. often balancing gojo’s playfulness with an iron fist, she would steamroll him and geto when their mischief got too far or more often than not, encourage it when she thought it would be entertaining to watch. like that last week where gojo and geto tried to steal all the clocks at the school, but ieri suggested instead that they turn back all the clocks in the school 2 hours back because she wanted to get more sleep. unsurprisingly she got what she wanted.

but inwardly, you knew ieri as being understanding with a kind forcefulness that you found charming. recently she got into the habit of pushing you to hang out with everyone when all you wanted to do was rot in bed. she’d complain that you were being a “boring old man” and that you should “start acting your age with them,” recently she would even arrive at your door with takoyaki and magazines promising a night new founded laughter. 

her friendship was coarser than geto’s, encouraging you to make mistakes with the background promise of helping you pick up the pieces while berating you for your stupidity. she was the type of person that would have your back but would yell at you if you were making a stupid decision– she fought for you even if that meant fighting against the moronic version of your past self.  friendship was generally a new thing that you were getting used to, but with ieri’s friendship you felt lighter.

“the congee with ginger and chicken broth or something. it’s good for his congestion.” she answers as you take out your phone to type in a note. ieri’s eye catches the silvery gleam of your phone charm dangling from your hands, a knowing smile reaches her lips.

“y’sure? I won’t be that much long – “ geto starts before shutting up immediately as ieri’s foot violently wacks into his shin under the table, earning a repressed grunt.

 “... you good, suguru?” you ask, settling your phone down on the kitchen table. you meet his violet eyes, eyebrow cocked.

“he’s fine!” ieri answers sweetly. geto’s eyes narrow at ieri before she meets his questioning gaze in exasperation. oh my god, suguru – look at the charm! large light brown eyes directing his annoyed gaze to the table. looking at your phone adorned with a familiar silver star, his sly mouth hides the beginning of a shit eating grin, understanding immediately colouring his features. ah, I see.

stretching your neck to the left, you get up with a huff. the chair behind you slightly screeching as you move to collect your dirty dishes and wash them in sink.

“alright, I’ll see you guys later then.” you add brightly, whiping your hands before glancing down your phone screen opened gojo’s contact. quickly slapping your phone closed.

“be safe later, suguru,” you say patting his shoulder, catching his reassuring grin before walking out of the room.

“shoko, that fucking hurt.” geto hisses dramatically after ensuring that you’ve left. his chair moving back with a screech as he rubs his shin, shooting ieri a questioning look. “do you keep rocks in your shoes or something, god.”

ieri sighs. “you know what’s more painful? watching those two idiots! ugh, they need to figure their shit out.” ieri groans reaching across the table to steal a sauteed carrot out of geto’s bowl.

he chuckles, a warm sound reverberating around the corners of the room. “knowing them though, they probably don’t fully know it themselves.”

“yeah, fucking six eyes my ass.” shoko grumbles, taking an aggressive bite out of some broccoli. geto picks out some of the vegetables from of his bowl, chopsticks moving them easily into ieri’s. “give them some time.” ieri takes out her phone to type out a quick message to gojo.

ieri shoko:  you can thank me later  (5:43pm) gojo satoru: for what? ( •̀ - •́ ) FOR WHAT? ????  shokoooooooooo  (5:45pm)

you shrug your long scarf off with a sigh, juggling the bulging plastic bag in hand. your rosy cheeks sting from the cold, you huff to keep your hair out of your face. you sigh before knocking on gojo’s door gently. “gojo?” you call out, knocking louder. foot now tapping impatiently, rolling your eyes “gojo! dude, I brought you foo– you know what, i’m coming in,“ turning the handle, your eyes widen at the sight before you.

gojo was sprawled out diagonally on his bed, limbs falling in different directions like he had just fallen from the sky. his dark blue comforter half on him, an arm propped up cover half his face, dark glasses discarded somewhere, offending eyes shut tight, eyebrows scrunched up sadly. the cold sunlight outside, streaming in from his half-opened window illuminates gojo’s white hair, the messiest you’ve ever seen it. he looked like pathetic fallen mop.  

“gojo?” you whisper, moving deeper into his room, his foot twitches at his name. placing your scarf and plastic bag on his messy desk filled with volumes of manga, stray pens, packs of opened digimon cards and this week’s half finished homework. if you looked closer you saw that he had some rather impressive doodles of curse -hybrid yaga on it and what you thought was a fox version of geto. on the corner of the desk was a small bottle of cold medicine and a box of tissues, probably evidence of geto’s visit earlier in the day.

“gojo..? hey?” you hesitantly move closer to his still figure, the rise and fall of his chest catches your eye. you hated the break the peace, but he had to eat so you gently shook his shoulder.

“mhmmm, hey babe…” he mumbles voice deep and scratchy, blue eyes squinting at you, still tinged in sleep.

“i brought you something to eat, have some before it’s gets cold.” he rolls over onto his front with a groan, speaking into the pillow. you sigh, ill prepared for an even whinier gojo. “I cant understand you when you’re mumbling.” “mmprfff don’t wanna. s’too bright, hurts my head.”

you move across the room to close the window and shut his blinds, “yeah dumbass, the blind are open,” you scoff. moving back to his desk, you rustle through the plastic bag of food, pleased to see that the congee was still hot. retrieving a spoon, a bottle of hot green tea and some napkins as you approach gojo’s bed with purpose.

“don’t be mean to me – im dying.” he hoarsely whines, sniffing.  “you’re not dying, don’t be a drama queen.”

he sneezes loudly, shaking his frame.  “alright, can just sit up? you’ll feel so much better after you eat...”

“m’not hungry.” he plops back into bed, turning his back to you, shrugging his comforter over himself to counter his slight shivering.

you sigh heavily, small hands rubbing your eyes, “i’m not feeding you, c’mon.”

he mumbles noncommittally – a strangled noise between a whine and a grunt– he dramatically adjusts his thick comforter around his strong shoulders. you narrowed your eyes to take in gojo’s appearance - he really didn’t look so good. he was paler than usual, his usual rosey cheeks void of colour, his messy hair, slightly sticking to his clammy forehead.

“gojo, please?” you ask, voice tilting up. “you have to help yourself too, y’know?” you add quietly, a strange softness in your tone that he barely recognizes. turning his head he meets your eyes and for a second you see his eyes shine a little brighter.

he sighs, moving up to lean his back against the headboard, legs crossed, pouting up at you, his hair ruffled like a sad cockatiel. you turn around quickly to hide your giggle at his childish expression and helpless state, instead busying your hands with the plastic bag.

“careful,” you mumble as you place the plastic bowl of congee into his clammy hands, dipping the spoon into it. “it’s hot.” he murmurs his thanks with a sniffle, allowing the warmth of the plastic bowl to ease his discomfort in his body. the fact that you were here – in his room – was a big comfort that he couldn’t deny.

after you watch him carefully swallow a few spoonfuls in approval, you look at him with a frown on your face. “you know why you got sick? because you didn’t wear a warm enough coat in sapporo.” you nag.

he weakly grins “yeah, because I was warming you up on the floor, maybe next time it should be the other way around, eh?” you breathe in sharply, cheeks burning at the memory of you how woke up next to gojo in your hotel room in sapporo last week. his soft breathing comforting you, his right arm was out stretched welcoming your smaller frame as you settled comfortably by his side. he was warm but your cheeks burned even hotter when you remembered gojo’s yelp as you accidentally smacked in the face in surprise as you struggled to create some distance. Gojo was too close for your liking. you sighed in relief as your alarm you had set on your phone went off, a loud disturbance snapping you back to reality and saving yourself from the awkward discussion. you had hoped he wouldn’t bring it up again.  “i’d rather swallow a curse.”  you deadpan, shuffling your feet, crossing your arms across your chest.

“even like that super ugly one that suguru swallowed?”

“i’d swallow the ugliest curse.”  you retort immediately. gojo whines your name as he shoots you a dirty look in exchange for your too proud grin. “really, babe? that’s so rude. …what about that slimy one last week?” “you mean that gross slug thing that ieri said looked like you?” you snicker. he huffs, “it did not look like me! that thing had like 6 weird humps.”

“those weird humps were probably the reason why suguru threw up for like 2 days after.” “heh, he said it was one of the worst tasting. ‘member how he complained that it tasted so bad for only a second grade? then he ate all my melon gummies after.” you laugh at the memory of geto ferally tearing open the gummies and pouring them into his mouth to gojo’s incredulous’ gawking. “hey,” he sniffs. gojo pats the to the side of his bed, a silent invitation to sit. “you’re making me nervous just standing there, grumps.” he croaks.

you hesitate, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “I swear gojo.. if you get me sick – “

“i wont!” he whines. “god, babe. cut me some slack.” gojo pouts. usually gojo’s dramatic pouts had no effect on you, you’ve seen them time and time again, his pouts almost a permeant fixture on his face. it’s efficiency fading with it’s increasing frequency.  but this time coupled with his low energy and his pale face emphasizing the dark rings around his eyes - you have the decency to feel a little bad.

you gingerly sit on the side of his bed, careful to not jostle his dinner too much. you watch gojo grab the spoon and gently blows on the rice porridge before bringing it to his lips.

 “… thanks.” he says meeting your eyes as he stirs around the congee with his spoon.

“hm?”

“for this,” he motions at his bowl of still hot soup.

 “s’okay. im only here because ier – uh shoko asked.”

he drops the spoon dramatically. “what, so you’re saying that you don’t care about me?” he coughs, tone sharp and wounded. “oh my god, gojo.” you deadpan, shaking your head.

“cmon babe, answer the question.” he whines between a mouthful. you roll your eyes, abruptly moving to get up. ughhh. why did he have to tease you all the time? his dull eyes widen at the prospect of you leaving, “nononono, okay – okay,  you don’t have to answer … just stay, please?”

you weren’t used to gojo asking you for things so sincerely. he must feel terrible to be this open with you. you study his face, perhaps you would be merciful today.

“you don’t really shut up, even when youre sick, eh?” you grumble.

gojo visibly brightens when you flop back down beside him onto his bed, lying on your back stretching out slightly with a groan. “nah not really, even when I was a kid.” he coughs.

“…did your servants take care of you when you got sick?”  you mention casually, picking at your nails. “mhm yeah, but I never really got sick that often.” he says thoughtfully. “they made sure I was always healthy, I had to take those shitty vitamins all the time. something about how important it was to train and fully harness the gifts given to you blah blah blah…”  

“yeah but when you did I bet everyone knew about it.” “what can I say? i’m kind of a big deal.”  

“more like a big pain in the ass.” he scoffs, placing his half full bowl of soup on his beside table. blinking slowly.

 “heh, I know you like this as–“

 “hey. finish your food. i walked in the cold to get that for you!” craning your neck to see how much he’s eaten.

“m’full.” “gojo. ive seen you eat like 6 burgers in one sitting, you can’t possibly be full.”  “don’t want it. i feel bad.” he whines softly, laboured breath, the mattress jostling as he lies down beside you.

you prod his shoulder, sighing. “at least take your medicine.”  “don’t want it. tastes gross.” he mumbles turning his back on you one more, shrugging his head into his shoulders as if to hide from you.

“just a few more bites –“ “nuh uh.” he buries himself in his comforter, moving it over top of his head.

you palm your forehead. you had to be patient. gojo was sick, he couldn’t help it, right?

“if you take it… I’ll give you a surprise.” you try, lips slightly moving up in approval as the blankets shift, his ears perking up. “… a surprise?”

“mhm. a good one.” gojo’s imagination runs rampant. he was never one for material objects, he got whatever he wanted when he was young. whatever he asked for - even mentioned in passing - it would magically appear the next day. but this was different. this was something from you. something with him in mind, whatever it was he knew that he would cherish it, pin it up on his wall so he could look at it every day if he could.  gojo knew you were thoughtful, he’d see the way you listened to ieri offhandedly mention her coffee order at break only for you to arrive to class with her perfectly made coffee the next week. gojo had recalled the time geto had mentioned that you had packed some of geto’s favourite homemade umeboshi onigiri for a mission with the excuse of “you always forget to pack lunch on early missions and I already had the ingredients.” gojo didn’t even know that geto liked umeboshi onigri. you were a deadly combination of quietly thoughtful and observant, but he noticed that you strangely went out of your way to refuse anything in return. perhaps his surprise would be a slice of cake or, maybe a pack of digimon cards! or maybe a promise to accompany him to jinbocho get some manga with him, something he’s been nagging you to do for weeks. but if he was being honest, he fostered a silly fragile hope that the surprise could maybe, just possibly be a soft brush of your lips on his cheek -  “take it or leave it. it’s a really good one, i promise.” promise? those are big words coming from you. you were never one threw around words so carelessly.

sensing victory in his hesitation, you move to get the medicine on his messy desk that geto had left there. shaking the pills playful, you glance at his hopeful face. sighing, he sticks out his hands as you cheekily deposit 2 pills into his large palm. he swallows the offending antidote, while you hand him the bottle of green tea to wash it down.

“now, where’s my surprise?” he says as you lie back into his messy bed.   “stick out your hand.”

obediently, he quickly reaches his hand out.

you smack you’re palms against his, in a shitty high five. you laugh in gojo’s face of betrayal. “ah, aren’t you the luckiest guy in japan, not everyone gets one of those from me.” but satoru gojo was a sore loser, he was always going to force your hand. he easily loops his fingers through yours, hands settling on top of the covers. your eyes widening ever so slightly at the sudden movement.

“so stingy with me, babe.” he comments under his breath. still holding your hand gently, his thumb moving back and forth on the back of your hand. he was warm, warmer than usual – maybe his fever was returning.

almost instantly you snatch your hand back, your senses coming back to you, mumbling something about how he was infected. in the warm lighting of his room, he relishes in the slight blush decorating your cheeks, his hazy grin shining the brightest of all. you frown lightly as gojo usual’s soft triumphant laugher came out as wheezy huffs. he sounded like he was getting worse.

crossing your arms across your chest, you turn slightly away of him as you take in your surroundings, trying to focus anywhere but the irritating boy beside you. it was your first time in gojo’s room. it was neater than you had expected albeit your expectations weren’t high. he had a shelf full of volumes of mostly shonen manga – but your eyes catch a few familiar romance manga titles pushed to the very edge of the shelf –  spines bent and well read. he had a comfortable looking chair piled with spare uniforms and that light blue hoodie you remembered he wore in sapporo.  he had a small tv in the corner hooked up to a game cube, multiple game covers stacked in a pile, probably where him and geto spent most of their time. despite all of the gojo’s little toys, his room was almost bare of any personal touches, no letters from home or photographs of the gojo estate or with his parents.

“was this taken at the beginning of the year?” you ask, eyes landing on a the sole photograph in his room: a photo of shoko, geto and gojo haphazardly pinned above his desk. “yeah, I think maybe 4 months before ya arrived? we really need to do an updated version with you in it too.” he murmurs, voice muffled by his arm covering his closed eyes. humming you take in the photograph, your eyes dart to  geto to the left, his sleek eyes closed with a soft grin on his face, head tilted towards a much shorter ieri. you almost laugh as you see that part of gojo’s head was cut off due to his height and probably fact that ieri was taking the photo, her smile bright, brown eyes sparkling. on the left gojo had his arms around geto while his right-hand flashes a peace sign as his wild smile echoes his slightly longer messy white hair blowing in the gentle breeze, his dark glasses perched on his face. this was probably taken around early summer last year judging by the lush green trees in the background. they looked so happy despite knowing each other for only a few months. it was strange to you how they could be so close in such a short amount of time. “…it’s weird isn’t it?” he asks, eyes still closed.

“hm? what is?” “having friends.”

it was almost irritating at how easily gojo could catch you off guard, always two steps in front of you. his reputation as the strongest shining true.  you turn your head to meet his tired half opened eyes. “.. yeah, it – it is.” “I had to get used to it too, but it’s fun though, right?” he grins at you, “suguru hated me in the beginning.” “suguru?” you laugh incredulously. “yeah he was so fucking particular about the stupidest shit. i got along better with shoko initially – she was more straightforward and she let me have her pineapple buns in the morning.”

“it’s probably because you’re cocky and annoying,” his eyes full openly your scalding comments.

“hey, I’m not an–“ “ – and you always get him in trouble.” you add thoughtfully.

“me?! he’s the one who comes up with half of the plans! laxatives in yaga’s coffee? suguru! the random evacuation last week because of flooding on the second floor? not me - suguru!”  he starts to chuckle but it turns into a cough, he settles into lie on his side to see your face better. “gotta admit, those were good though.”

“‘member when ya first arrived and no one was allowed to be left alone of the cursed weapons shed? yeah, exactly. not me! baby’s not so innocent, he definitely has some evil ideas, babe.” he sniffs, adjusting the covers to cover himself better.  

you snicker, that sounded right to you. you could see geto’s chaotic streak when he sparred with you, often yelling out random things to catch you off guard and annoyingly they worked. while geto was sly about his mischief, quietly fostering chaotic ideas and plans, gojo was boisterous about his chaos, wearing it proudly on his chest – they really did compliment each other well.

“sure, gojo –  but you’re the one who encourages his ideas.”

he pouts, but before he could retort he feels you shift closer to him to creep your hand onto his forehead, the gesture causing gojo’s heart to beat erratically.

“you’re really warm, dude.” gojo has to quickly swallow the purr that threatens to escape his tongue, as your hands brush his bangs out of the way, sweeping his scalp gently. with your soft skin tingling on his, he finds that he’s disappointed that your touch retreats too quickly.

“yeah, you look like shit,” you tilt your head back to get a better look at his flushing face, “you’re really red, are you feeling okay? ” you say, eyebrows furrowed, “do you want me to get you more tea or something?” propping yourself up on your elbow. with his eyes half closed he shakes his head softly, “nah, m’okay.” “then fully close your eyes, dude. try and get some rest. your body clearly needs it.” “don’t wanna. s’too boring.” you tsk at his at his stubbornness, noting that he was already drifting off.

he's so fucking stubborn.

he falls asleep gently and then all at once.  if you were held at gunpoint and you had to choose your favourite version of gojo it would be of the current one lying in bed.  in the daytime, gojo was constantly vibrating with excitement, a never-ending flow of energy overflowing from his over the top presence. you could sense his cursed energy if he was within a 10-foot radius. it was blinding and overwhelming, easily engulfing you, it’s strength powerful and overbearing – just like him. gojo. but here in his room, he was quiet and free from his cocky smile and smart tongue. in this light he was bathed in a gentleness that seemed entirely out of place with the honoured one. you thought it was almost selfish that you preferred him this way, softer, unguarded – weak. even gods have an off day, you suppose.  but lying on his bed while he felt so unwell, you couldn’t help but see him for what he really was – just a boy. a teenager who chattered about his favourite foods, complained about homework and wanted to hang out with his friends. satoru. this realization felt heavy, being with him in this moment, there was an unfamiliar pull you didn’t understand. Lying beside him drowning in his scent as you see his unguarded slow breathing, you’re more aware of his memories surrounding you, enclosing you in this space. to distract yourself, you decide to tidy up his room.

careful not to wake him for a second time today, you roll off his bed. collecting his container his half eaten food, you place the barely touched bottle of green tea on his bedside table beside the bottle of pills. finding his glasses on the floor you place them on his desk as you plug his phone in to charge, softly playing with the silver beads of his phone charm. after clearing his desk, you turn to adjust his comforter softly. gently you raise his blanket to tuck him into bed, ensuring that all his gangly limbs were covered. your eye catches gojo’s soft sleeping face, he way his lip juts out slightly in his slumber mouth slightly open, his fair eyebrows scrunching like he was thinking about something. did he dream? you wondered what he could possibly dream of when he had the world at his fingertips. you hoped that if he did dream, they were peaceful ones. you hesitantly reach out to touch his cheek, convincing yourself that you were just checking his fever. you were relieved that he wasn’t as warm as he was did before, silently enjoying the way his cheek felt on your palm. “get better soon, gojo.” you whisper, watching his face relaxing at your touch. sighing, you quickly retreat your disobedient hand as you move to turn off his lamp. quiet strides to move across his room before shutting his door gently. you were already halfway into your room when you laugh softly in realization:  you did care about satoru gojo. when did that happen?

snackies!tags: @starmapz @ghost-buddies

a/n: all hail queen shoko!!! i'm so glad to finally get to write her. this chapter had some intense friendship moments that were fun to write. hope ya'll enjoyed this thick juicy chapter - head image credit: Toradora! dividers from: @/adornedwithlight