#sorta even though i am not qualified

[elevensbian]

having a hum hallelujah night and. everyone always talks about 'i could write it better than you ever felt it' being about pete writing lyrics which makes sense considering he wrote the line but the bridge.... they wrote that one better than i ever felt it. it sounds almost desperate? feels a lot like clinging on to life using a song as an anchor- metaphorically but also thats literally what happened. it's just horrifically gut wrenching and captures all the emotion of the lyrics in music form So gorgeously. it sounds exactly how rock bottom feels- it's off key from the original (just off the key of reason etc etc), the guitars are all distorted and violent instead of quiet and clean, there's this big loud drum beat, everything is wrong and messed up and scary. but it's still sort of, weirdly hopeful? i think it's the vocal, up against this big guitar-y instrumental it's soft and pretty, like being vaguely aware that love and joy are still out there even if they're sort of floaty and distant and very much do not feel like concepts you can comprehend. idk man. i do not know music theory but that bridge makes me feel things

[figayda-rights]

Hey. I know you're probably getting a lot of hate for your mismag opinions, and I don't want to be one of those voices or be dismissive of your concerns. I'm Jewish and trans (though admittedly transmasc. I will say, that though JK's virulent transphobia has mostly been centered around victimizing trans men, it's important to remember that the entire community is affected. Her claims that transmasc folks are just confused little girls is dehumanizing and patronizing. We should stand with our trans sisters who are being endangered first and foremost, but also acknowledge that there is no part of the community that is unhurt by her bigotry.) Anyways, that said... I personally disagree with your mismag takes. I think you're well within your right not to support a series platforming the Terf book, and I do agree with many of your takes. But one of the distinctions I don't see a lot of people making is the difference between criticizing the Harry Potter series and criticizing JK Rowling herself. I'm not advocating for the Harry Potter books, or claiming death of the author. Those books are filled with prejudice.

But, though JK has made her current platform off of horrible transphobia, the books themselves weren't as preoccupied with trans people as she's become. Yes, there are definite transphobic elements. But to me, the biggest glaring issues of the book come from the racism and the worldbuilding (specifically the "fantasy racism" of muggles/mud bloods and all that shoddy allegory entails) --- both aspects that are directly critiqued and centered in mismag.

Saying that Mismag isn't a satire because it doesn't center a takedown of the transphobia of Jk Rowling is a misunderstanding of how it functions as a satire. Not criticizing JK (aside from Fuck Terfs) so much as criticizing the book and the world itself. I think there are issues with it, no doubt! And I certainly wish a transfemme individual had been given a seat at the table, not as a token, but because their insight into the world would add an extra dimension to the intended criticism.

But I also think that saying it doesn't qualify as a Parody is sorta... ignoring the racial components. It's unfair to Aabria and unfair to the show as a whole.

thanks for your opinion. I don't agree that transphobia (transmisogyny specifically) isn't baked into every aspect of her books.

Remember Pansy Parkinson? Remember how she was described as pig faced, square jawed, short haired and mannish? Remember how she was a villain who did awful things and ultimately aided the in world version of "fantasy Nazis"?

Remember umbridge? Another woman characterized as wide, mannish, square jawed and shouldered, someone who would LITERALLY transform to spy on people, get into kids bedrooms, "invade spaces".

Remember the staircases to the dorm rooms? The ones that wouldn't let boys into the girls rooms but would let girls into the boys rooms? This isn't even all of it.

I'm absolutely in no way saying the books and Rowling currently aren't FILLED with racism. I am indigenous, her use of "spirit animals" as patronuses is despicable. Rowling isn't currently spending thousands of dollars pushing laws against black, Asian, or indigenous people though. She IS currently funding politicians who are pushing holocaust denial AND spending direct money advocating for laws targeted at specifically trans women.

It is irresponsible and incredibly tone deaf to release a season based on her books when violence and trans people, trans women specifically, is at an all time high.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2023: #22 - #21

Mild like is not a zone I prefer to rest long in, so let's make the next two a package deal so that only 20 remain going into the new year!

22. SERBIA Luke Black - "Samo mi se spava" 24th place

Decade Ranking: 63/116 [Above Fyr og Flamme, below TBA]

Spaaaaavaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai

But I am getting ahead of myself.

In the days leading up towards towards the rehearsals I got the feeling that Luke would only barely squeak by despite being both Serbian and reasonably well-liked by the fans. This came with the slow realization that "Samo mi se spava" is kind of cringe, oop. All memes eventually become stale, and that rate at which they age accelerates further if the music's kind of not good lol. Not everyone can have the eternal resilience of "In Corpore Sano".

So yeah, I totes understand why the Latvia stans were pissed they missed out while Luke basically passed to the Grand Final based on flag. However, many acts sucked in the semis, so I'm not bothered if one I liked (sorta) qualified over one i did not (sorta).

Not to get things twisted though, "Samo mi se spava" was serviceable for what it was, as a Melovin-lite combination of shock horror and an art major's irreverent graduation project. Once you've accustomed to the senseless krumpcrat choreo and the atonal mewling however, you just have to recognize Serbia's 2023 entry was the vanity project of an ageing emo twink . Do I enjoy it? Yes, but only as ~A Piece~ (not as "a song") and only in small enough doses. Take, a listen every four months.

All that said, there are two small things about "Samo Mi Se Spava" that I greatly enjoy.

(1) the frogmarches remain hilarious so let's enjoy that in gif form:

What a great way to finish A Piece.

(2) I merely have to think of Luke to hear "SPAAAVAAAAI" and "HELLO?! GAyME OVuh" ring through my mind in his characteristic gaywhispervoice and that ALWAYS produces a chuckle. So ultimately, while "Samo mi se spava" was admittedly not very good, it does manage to lift my spirits somewhat, and for that I'm willing to carry it to 22nd in my list!

-----------------------------------------

21. UKRAINE TVORCHI - "Heart of steel" 6th place

Decade Ranking: 62/116 [Above Luke Black, below Kalush Orchestra]

Yeah, Tvorchi did well for themselves. Given the war and the general air of misery surrounding last year's Vidbir (unironically a contender for worst NF this year, even under the circumstances) and the fact that Ukraine picked their most disappointingly heterosexual entry yet, there was no way "Heart of Steel" could become good. Like, who does this appeal to? What sort of person listens to this edgelordian church cabal, and thinks "ah, my favourite has arrived." Just the Musk fanboys, right?

Fortunately for us, Ukraine is the one Eurovision country that always understands the assignment. What do you do when your song below par? You provide a good show at least.

and it kinda nibbled.

...

...

Yeah, there's no punchline. Sorry but it's NYE, i cooked the family dinner by myself and you may think it's a small step to go from roasting broccoli to roasting mediocrities, but the latter action takes up too much thinking space for a brain semi-operating on sparkling wine that is trying to weave in and out of social conversation. Jeffrey sang well, I liked the presentation and it didn't drag the more enjoyable entries around it down, what else can a one ask for? It wasn't going to get any better than what we got. Count them lucky stars, and all that.

Fourth place in the televote is a VERY stupid result (this is more in range of a 14th placer if it were any other country) but let's not end the year on a sour rant. "Heart of steel" could have been a morose drag. Instead it was moderately bemusing. Upward and onward to better things.

THE RANKING

CONGRATZ FOR MAKING THE TOP 20 to the following:

ALBANIA / ARMENIA / AUSTRALIA / AUSTRIA / AZERBAIJAN BELGIUM / CZECHIA / ESTONIA / FINLAND / FRANCE ICELAND / LITHUANIA / MALTA / MOLDOVA / POLAND PORTUGAL / SLOVENIA / SPAIN / SWEDEN / UK Some of you kind of don't deserve to~ ps: Happy New Year Everyone!!!

[darksideofthemoonbot]

Khorne

Sorry Khorne fans, but for me he is last of the big four. That doesn't mean I don't like him, love all the chaos gods, but here's why. Unlike my Nurgle and Tzeentch explanations, this will be a bit heavier like my Slaanesh.

THE GOOD

Khorne is a lawnmower. There's something satisfying at times to the simplicity of, lets go with Kharneth, I like that name better. Something delightfully simple to screaming "BLOOD FOR THE BLOODGOD" and going to hit something with a sharp piece of metal. Its almost therapeutic sometimes.

Also, as he cares not from whence the blood flows, Kharneth is thus clearly the god of [menstruation joke goes here]. And yes, I am... familiar with the Leman Russ quote. Though in a way I sorta do want a Norscan slang to be "the time of the hound".

Completely unrelated, I promise, but also Valkia the Bloody. A lot of love for a queen who gets told she's been selected as a Slaanesh daemon prince for concubinisation, and answers by killing him and marching into chaos to deliver his head to Kharneth personally.

THE BAD

Khorne is a lawnmower. Much fun as it is to skull for yon skull throne, I can find Kharneth a bit one-note in that respect. Which isn't bad exactly but tends to make him better in measured doses, you know? I like variety over the long haul.

THE UGLY

Here's where it gets heavy. Like Slaanesh, I relate to Kharneth well. Unlike Slaanesh, it is not a mixed bag of good and bad. It is just bad. It is parts of me I do not like.

Among my mental/emotional concerns for which I get medication and therapy is anger. Not strong enough a word. Rage. Fury. Berserkergang perhaps.

Times where the world has become a long red tunnel with ThingsThatNeedToDie™️ at the other end. The strength is unbelievable, though I pay for it after. And I don't just mean raw physical force. The absolute purity of purpose in such a rage is the greatest clarity I have ever experienced.

And that is a bad thing.

It is like an addiction. It may well be one, but I am not a biochemist so I won't conjecture. All it causes is harm and the sublime clarity doesn't last beyond the fit of rage. I miss it. I shouldn't but I do. And I have started trying to direct it in healthier ways. Promoting justice, if there is such a thing, or perhaps more accurately fighting injustices. Turning the furnace of anger toward productive ends.

That, however, leads me to the even less useful and harder to justify emotion I relate to with Kharneth: hate. Unlike the conflagration of fury, hate is the bitter coals that endlessly hunger for spiteful destruction.

I have stared into the abyss of hate. In some areas I have fallen into it. Most notably misandristic thinking. I hated men. Another trauma response, given who has hurt me in the past. And I know that it is wrong, I have made real progress with it. Unlike anger, I do not miss it. It is seductive, offering clear and simple answers to complex issues. "X is bad" with no other qualifiers can be unbelievably tempting in some cases. Complex is troubling, while simple is easier. Hate is so much easier than understanding. But I do not miss it. The toxic fumes from those ever-smoking coals is poisonous to mind, body, spirit, and society.

It is not rage, it is contempt. It is spite and venom. A desire to see something ruined or destroyed, not out of passion, but out of bile. And my susceptibility for it is a part of myself I really do not like. But to mention my fibromyalgia again: it is easy to hate the world when the world causes you nothing but pain.

Understanding is counter to hate, maybe not perfectly but I found it helps. After I was assaulted a few years back by a hired driver, I was aware how easy it would be to fall into hate because of that. So I threw myself into learning about his religion. Harder to paint all adherents of a faith badly when I knew more about it, was my thinking. It worked. I even gained an appreciation for the art common in that belief system, that I had not known about before, and learned some interesting history. Which helped me remember: it is not all of a demographic, it may be too much of a demographic, but not all. He was just a jackass.

Sorry to end the big four on a heavy note y'all. Here's a picture of cathartic destruction.

[good-beans]

You know what I realized today? I've gathered from dashboard osmosis that the inmates in Milgram are being judged for deaths they're responsible for that don't qualify as murder in a legal sense, right? So... Mondo could totally be an inmate in Milgram World. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but... thoughts on him as an inmate? Like, how might his crimes get treated by the narrative? What music style and symbolism might they use in his videos? (Are there different musical styles? I haven't actually listened to the songs...) Sorry for sticking my special little guy in here lmao, I promise that I'm doing it in a "I'm walking my Littlest Pet Shops through your Barbie Dreamhouse" sorta way.

YES we are mushing our toys together and having a good time :’D Omg always stick your special little guy here!

And that’s exactly it! Five of the prisoners should have been charged with homicide though they have very emotionally charged situations, but the other five have pretty standard lives except that they indirectly/unconventionally took a life – so he would 100% fit. (There’s also a theory I really like that characters only end up in the prison if they personally feel guilty of murder, so it’d work that he felt like he killed someone so he found himself there.) 

He’d have such cool symbols in his video ooh... The videoa have a mix of actual scenes of reality along with a more dreamscape-type area. So you’d have moments from the night of the accident, but he could also be riding his bike surrounded by stylized open highways, traffic lights/signage, car lights, and cityscapes that reveal his recklessness/relationships. Or if those are too similar, his dreamscape could also be a garage where he’s working on – or smashing – his bike. Most characters have a single simple image that's their major symbol, I think his would be a red traffic light.

(I can't think of anything clever at the moment but there could also be a lot to work with for diamonds symbolizing something tough/hard, valuable, and visually distracting)

The songs are all generally pop-y, but there are definitely distinct genres for each character which is super fun! (I do recommend giving the soundtrack a listen even if you don’t get into the story side – all the season 2 songs SLAP lol) And I swear I'm not just saying this because he's my favorite, but Mondo would definitely fit Fuuta’s vibes. It’s the whole “I’m a tough guy and I’ll kick your fucking ass, (but deep down I am actually very human and scared and feel immense guilt over this!!” thing. Bring it On is his more confident intro song and Backdraft is after he’s a bit more fucked up and feeling scared/guitly. 

Story-wise, I think he’d also be pretty similar to Fuuta in that his toughness would put people off at first. There are three seasons/trials (we’re in the middle of the second one rn), and I think his first voice drama would be full of aggression, and then his song would reveal he’s in a gang – causing the audience to think he was just a loudmouthed delinquent needing to be brought down a notch, and vote him guilty. But then season 2 he hits ‘em with the fact that the gang had nothing to do with the death, and it was in fact love that caused it all, and he's a lot more complex. And maybe it’s held off until s3 to reveal it was his own brother, giving that final twist of the knife. From some of the opinions I’ve seen so far, it seems like he’d get a good reception and may make it out! (Though you could stay true to his original tragedy and take the possibility that his final verdict would be guilty :( )

I would walk my barbies back into your littlest pet shop area, but I mean, the main Milgram high schooler character did stab a girl in broad daylight, so I don’t think there’d be much of an interesting investigation there… 😂

[aspd-culture]

I’m paraphrasing since I don’t remember it clearly but I think I recall you mentioning that a lot of ASPD remember a time where they just sorta… “switched”

How late in life can this happen? Because that switch happened to me when I was about 16-17 but I’m not diagnosed ASPD but I am definitely starting to get suspicious and feel like I should start considering looking into it…

I had symptoms before the switch (but also I likely have other Cluster B disorders so it could be overlap) and pretty sure I had CD as a child but the switch felt like it finally “sealed the deal” and now I exist in almost constant apathy and the only emotions I really feel now are rage and sometimes deep sadness. A lot of times it’s blunted or detached though as if my emotions are freaking out in a separate room.

I have heard it as early as 3 or 4 and as late as 18. That switch is basically when you sort of "give up" on relying on the people around you and trying to continue to develop typical social instincts and a secure attachment style. As ASPD can't even be diagnosed before 18, I would assume it's normal for that feeling (which not everyone experiences) to happen later in teen years for some.

However, to be diagnosed with ASPD, you did have to have some sort of significant symptoms that could have qualified you for a diagnosis of any conduct disorder before a certain age, which I believe is 15. You don't have to have actually gotten that diagnosis, though; just qualify for it in retrospect.

Plain text below the cut:

I have heard it as early as 3 or 4 and as late as 18. That switch is basically when you sort of "give up" on relying on the people around you and trying to continue to develop typical social instincts and a secure attachment style. As ASPD can't even be diagnosed before 18, I would assume it's normal for that feeling (which not everyone experiences) to happen later in teen years for some.

However, to be diagnosed with ASPD, you did have to have some sort of significant symptoms that could have qualified you for a diagnosis of any conduct disorder before a certain age, which I believe is 15. You don't have to have actually gotten that diagnosis, though; just qualify for it in retrospect.

[imperial--orthodoxy]

You know the drill:) :) :)

1-50 weird asks and GO

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

I don't know if "comfort" is the right word, but right now it's probably Ichigo Kurosaki from Bleach and...Boromir from LOTR. Ichigo is currently my favorite main character period and Boromir is....well. He's a deeply flawed character that tries and fails and tries again and manages to do good at the end of his life and I hope I'm able to do the same before I die.

lighter or matches?

I'm a certified pyromaniac, so the answer is yes. I prefer lighters for cigarettes and cigars though, whereas matches, I like launching them off of the lighter strip.

do you leave the window open at night?

Up north, open. Down here...closed. Permanently closed. I hate the weather down here.

which cryptyd being do you believe in? All of them. Skinwalkersmustdieskinwalkersmustdieskinwalkersmu

what color are your eyes?

Blue/Grey

why did you do that?

You think *I* know???

hair-ties or scrunchies?

...niether

how many water bottles are in your room right now? ....none

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

Hot tbh

would you slaughter the rich?

some of them

favorite extracurricular activity?

back in school it was band tbh and I can and should be bullied for it

what kind of day is it?

today was a long day at work unfortunately

when was the last time you ate?

just a couple of bars when I got home since it's a fasting day

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

yes

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

(sorta, not to term yet)

can you drive?

Yes, ignore my friends that say I drive like a maniac I am completely fine I am not an adrenaline junkie I am not -

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

near sighted

what hair products do you use?

whatever is on the shelf. I used to use old spice but I think it's been giving me a reaction lately

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

....I don't think you want me to do that

do you say soda or pop?

yes

something you’ve kept since childhood?

a lot of my books tbh. some of those are in uh...not great shape to my shame

what type of person are you?

I am a piece of shit

how do you feel about chilly weather?

winter supremacy or die

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

sniping off politicians

Ideally if there's not a lot of light pollution I do love looking at stars

perfume/body spray or lotion?

spray, since I'm lazy

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

only all of them

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

Like....5?

do you wear a mask?

nyet

how do you like your shower water?

warm

is there dishes in your room?

no

what type of music keeps you grounded?

church hymns tbh

do you have a favorite towel?

nah

the last adventure you’ve been on?

Hmmmm....good question. The last big one was the honeymoon to Colorado

is there a song you know every word to by heart? They're all metallica songs but several

what’s your timezone?

Central US

how many times have you changed your url?

a stupid amount of times

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

Not you yet, but all of my best friends from high school are still my friends now with 3 of them even being my groomsmen

a soap bar that smells good?

I...don't know actually lmao

do you use lip balm?

nyet

did you have any snacks today?

yes

how do you take your coffee?

depends - if it's typical shit coffee, cream and sugar. If it's good coffee, black

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

Bleach Brave Souls, does that count?

what’s your take on spicy foods? I love them

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

*REDACTED* nice try FBI

can you remember what happened yesterday? More or less!

favorite holiday film?

This is cheesy as fuck, but probably The Polar Express or Year Without a Santa Clause

what was the last message you sent?

I think it was me letting my coworker to let me know if I could do anything for him since his mother passed away

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

Uhhhhhhhh....I think it was as a teenager from my Grandfather, or wine from my mother

can you skip rocks?

I can't, unfortunately. I ain't gonna lie, I'm kinda retarded

can i tag you in random stuff?

No you fuck - OF COURSE YOU CAN

ALSO YOU'RE LUCKY I LOVE YOU

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 11/14/24

Good morning y'all! Just like the last couple this one's not actually being written on the day that the entry is marked for.

I'm not doing very well!!! It's strange. the waves that this newfound depression is coming in. Like the initial shock of the breakup was obviously awful, but I somehow managed to keep myself going; I started going to the gym the next day, started eating right again, got a lot of reading done, reached out to a bunch of old friends and redefined most of my online presence. Then, I reached back out to the Bnuuy to just... try and fix us, whatever us ends up being - friends or otherwise. That was good for a couple of days too, but then the election happened and a whole new type of depression kicked in. But I sorta recovered from that too: kept working out, saw a doctor, made appointments, looked for apartments and all that. But I'm in this weird, slow decline now that I can't really qualify!!!

I think it has something to do with the weather and seasons change more than it has to do with either the relationship woes or the election, honestly. I've had mild seasonal depression in years past, but for some reason in 2024 it feels as though the sun is setting faster. The steel blanket of clouds above is usually something I long for after a long summer, a protection from the sun that blinds and hinders me, but this year instead of the normal comforting blanket that might bring the gentle fall of snow its more akin to a dull metallic coffin lid suffocating me in sleep after a restless summer. Autumn is usually my favorite time of the year, but this year the yellowing leaves brought no sunshine into my world, and the orange of jack o' lanterns sat rotting reminds me of the impermanence of everything.

Maybe next year I'll feel better! I'm hoping that my love for Autumn can return, it's such a beautiful time of the year, but this just isn't the right autumn. I've never had an October with heartbreak, and I've never had a November with such fear. I really shouldn't blame myself too much for how I'm feeling these days, it's been a very rough month and I wasn't exactly in an ideal spot mentally even before the election or breakup. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I've just got to live this life, though, regardless of how dissatisfied I am with our politics, climate, and my own love life.

I'm gonna write about what I actually did yesterday, and then after the picture of a mossy forest I'm gonna vent a little bit - I need to vent, I was feeling really bad yesterday.

So work was super duper boring and awful alkjsdhflaksdf it was rainy alllllll day which I normally enjoy but... ugh. I could use sunshine right now!! There was almost no one in the zoo because of the weather, which I would normally celebrate because it'd mean an easy day but I realllyyyy wanted to do some work lakjsdfhalskdf. It was just an incredibly boring day with almost nothing of note. This one girl I work with keeps trying to flirt with me which is super uncomfortable ToT she asked for my number last week which I obviously rejected, but today while I was at the area she works at she kept like standing uncomfortably close to me which genuinely made me feel like I was gonna panic ugh. I talked with my boss about it and he said he's gonna try to help me so there's that at least ToT but like pleaseeee I told you I am taken (kinda? I just don't want anyone but one person) JUST LEAVE ME ALOONEEEEE. After work I had a rough start to my evening alkjsdhflkadsf I got all mopey and sad, so I cuddled my cats for a while but when that didn't really help much I decided to go on a walk. I was originally going to walk for a few miles but... I passed by a tattoo parlor and decided fuck it, I'll get an impulse piercing alksjdfhalksdf so I got my bottom labret pierced!! I think I actually look super cute with this, but I can't wear the jewelry I want yet. You have to wait about 8-10 weeks before you can change the jewelry out to a ring, so for now I have a stud which is fiiineeeee but again not what I want in the long run. After I got home from that I got dinner and started on Spanish homework while waiting for my best friend to be free to call - I told him that I was feeling really bad and he promised he'd be there soon. So he called me after a while and I did spanish homework while he told me about his DnD session! It was so nice, I don't know where I'd be without him right now. To be honest everything else was kinda a blur after we hung up, I went to bed not long later.

I don't actually have many updates about my love life for once akljsdfhakshdf only that yesterday I was really struggling with missing them. I really miss calling them pet names specifically. I miss saying "hey babe, I love you" and getting to read that back. Not that they ever called me babe, they were never much on calling me pet names. I do love them, and... I tell them that I love them, but for this moment at least they can't say it back in the way I would want to hear. Which is painful, but... y'know, I want them to be happy so if I can't be the one who does make them happy like that, what can I even do about it? I don't have updates like... nothing new happened yesterday between us, but I do have a lot of feelings about it because regardless of if we talked much I still felt plenty.

I keep swinging back and forth on this pendulum of love. The pendulum swings in a half lit plain, on one side there is a brighter world where I am hopeful and believe that we can repair things, where I am okay taking things slowly and trying out this friendship thing for now knowing that I still want to ask them out someday and believe we can work. That's where I was in the days we started talking again, where I was when we comforted each other through the election, where I lived only a few days ago when they sent me an unprompted fit check. It's like ... every little taste of our relationship coming back in the current situation pulls me into the light. When I am in the light I am casual, relaxed, normal and friendly. I am the person who best suits this situation; working on myself, talking to friends besides Aaron, aware of my faults but not crippled by them. It's weirdly where I feel the least need for their attention, too. It's where I can be normal about this, I can be relaxed as we try out this new thing called friendship, while I wait for the next big steps in our relationship. Our big conversations have always happened as I leave the darkness and enter the light again, those conversations come from those feelings finally bursting free of my prison mind where they have rusted bars and scratched at walls for too long. When I am in the light I can remember that it's only been a couple of weeks, that I can't be fully expected to heal after three years when it's been less than a month. I remember that.. we fell in love once, and that we might fall in love again if I just wait a second and be myself.

But the awful part about pendulums is that they swing. What causes the swing backwards into a darker reality can be so many things. It's when I see something that reminds me of them and I excitedly type out "baby!" or "babe" or "hi my love" or something like that without realizing it. I've sent so many messages with any combination of those three in it and had to delete them only seconds later. I feel worse when I open my phone and instead of seeing them smiling there, I see my favorite bird - a red winged blackbird I replaced my partner with because I thought it'd bare me comfort. Instead, when I see it's sunset adorned wings I feel spite; why do I have to be greeted by dark feathers instead of their deep eyes? I feel at my worst when I can't call them at night, when I don't have a reason to stay up at night waiting for them, when I'm all alone in my bedroom tired and hopeless. I feel at my worst when... I realize how easy it will probably be for them to move on eventually. When I remember that they broke up with me, and that it was no small decision to get to that point. I feel at my worst when I remember that... as much as there's still a chance for us to be lovers again, there's as much of one that we don't. I'm at my worst when I look around my room, and I see them in everything. When I remember that the portrait I have that they painted on me is only ever going to be a copy... that I might not hold the original copy and read the words written on the back. When I look at my plants and think about all the times I would message them updates about their newest branches or if I'd repotted them that day. I remember us when I open my laptop and see Stardew valley, we still have a save there where they would always make me jealous by giving Elliot gifts when I wanted us to marry in that save. I'm at my darkest when all of the little roots that they've left in my routine start to itch again, but I have nothing that I can do about it. I'm at my lowest point when I'm alone, and I'm alone so often right now. It's funny, in my darkest moment yesterday? I found myself holding back from a couple things that... don't really make sense.

Its so funny but... what set me off yesterday was something so silly ToT I was thinking about doing some writing, so I went over to my pinterest to look at some of the inspo I had saved for my OC's and setting. But... ugh. I used to like to look at their tags. Specifically, they had a board that I think said "Places to go with the partner" or something like that. But then I remembered that after the breakup, I blocked them there ToT and... I don't even know what their username was on there anymore. Plus... they've probably deleted that board, now. It was full of moss and ponds, cherry blossom flowers, lichenous trees and gently fogged mountains. I felt so sad because it was just another spot that our relationship used to exist in, but it's gone forever. Ugh. There's also something else that's silly that.. makes me a little happy when I see it? But on one of their usernames they changed it to our moons and a little love letter emoji a long time ago. It's still our moon phases today, and they both still fit together so well. Such a little twist of fate, but one of so many that makes me want to believe in fate. Our moons fit together perfectly, we somehow have the same house number on streets thousands of miles away, we were both watching Game Grumps while we were apart, we both used each other's tags after the breakup, we used to complete one another's thoughts. I think about little things like that through a large part of my day on the days that I'm struggling more. I think about all the little things that.. that were so good between us, all the little things I miss.

I just miss them a lot, they are my light and... I feel so cold in this dark.

[screechingkingdomhottub]

RATING DIFFERENT MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELLING SERVICES (UK)

Soo bit about me is im bisexual, trans, autistic, depressed and have had some Bad Coping Mechanisms so trigger warnings for sh, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism and addictions, anything else lemme know and i'll edit this. When I was a young boy, I realised bad things in my brain and after struggling finally got encouraged to reach out for help, here's how i'd rate my experiences. First though, regardless of any of these ratings you should seek help, because even if the help sucks which it might, you get a little boost in your brain that you're trying and it could be the difference between 1 day but that 1 day is special. I believe in you. As someone who has been struggling for 10 years now, it does get better but your struggle doesnt magically stop. So this is in no way me saying "all help sucks dont bother" but the exact opposite like always choose to seek for help.

First we have Mr Big Boi Jo AKA the samaritans, I have reached out to them so many times since I was like 13. The email feature is amazing like being able to sorta control when you are willing to not only send the message but also check the response is wonderful. I'd pour my heart and soul out and then be able to step away and recover from that vulnerability, be excited for when I'd get an email back, if I didn't feel like responding in that moment then I would not have to. But they have a tendency to sign post you quite easily like i've been sent to chris at lgbt , childline, some autism stuff that rubbed me the wrong way. It can feel kinda like you're getting dismissed and told to bugger off. "But that's not what they're doing!" oh right i forgot people in mental health crises should think more clearly, how dare i think they may have thinking issues and be sensitive in those times, ridiculous of me /s so I'm gonna rate them 6.5/10. This also probably depends on who you get. I'm gonna have to DQ chris@switchboard.lgbt because I genuinely forgot I had any interaction with them, they seem alright and I suppose if you're struggling with gender and sexuality they're worth a shot? I'm rather comfortable in my identity now so I don't want to take that resource away from people for any experiment like this. CHILDLINE - Not just that one phone number you call if your parents are abusive. Genuinely childline is so misrepresented due to what we classify as abuse like if you are under 18, you can go on childline and play games, have a live chat feature with counsellors, ask on message boards, view message boards or send as an email instead of the chat. You can choose! I think it would be amazing even for adults but once again, no stealing resources. "But I have DID and it's complicated cause my little needs help-" dude I'm not qualified for that, you probably know more than I do like don't put this on me. I cannot remember one negative experience with them. I just remember being scared and messaging people, OH AND THE NOTES YOU CAN ASK THEM TO READ NOTES SO THEY'RE CAUGHT UP ON STUFF EVEN IN LIVE CHAT. 9.5/10 would be a 10 if I was still a child but I'm unfortunately 23 so im bitter. It may have changed but now but I strongly encourage people to try it because I didn't want to because I thought it was only for kids being physically abused, it's also for like teenagers who are self harming. SHOUT - Oh Shout, you are the most 50/50 out of these. I genuinely use SHOUT more than samaritans now but it can go really bad. I message and am like "hello i wanna drink myself to death" but if i do that on like friday nights or something, the wait times are massively long and I've found some other way to soothe myself but when they are there they do talk very gently, they offer valid resources about things like as pdfs this time not just links to websites of people that can help. It's similar to counselling in person imo so it's about vibes sometimes. 8/10 or wait/10 damn those wait times KOKO - I'm glad it exists but haven't found much help from it personally. I do like that it sorta puts less stress on people that want to help social media accounts in crisis like that's a very important thing we didn't have when I first had the internet and it caused a lot of damage but in terms of the rating of how it helped 4/10.

GP - OMG GPs right? Anyone in the UK that's been to a GP for depression will immediately be thinking "oh right a WALK ADN SOME TEA RIGHT??" because that's always your first offer. Always. I should also mention I never went to CAMHs because of how my GP saw me, I went to a different centre for at risk youths in a different town in the most wonderful and bizarre therapy I've ever had but that place has shut down and there's absolutely no way other people have had that experience because whenever I say this stuff to people they may as be looking at me like I'm talking about narnia. GPs don't really seem to take you seriously until you're 18. But people don't seem to be really listening, your antidepressants aren't gonna stop your depression. They're going to fight it a little bit but you gotta do other stuff to get the endorphins and that's where the walks and exercise come in. People will bitch about theirs not working and they don't listen to what the GP says like "they keep upping my dose cause it isnt working!" then you find out that person has been drinking every other day which cancels those meds out. So with all that said, GPs are getting a 5/10. Some of mine were really helpful, some sucked, age is a big factor.

I hope you are able to use this info or even just now be more aware of all the help you can get in the new year. It's time to get happy again <3

[japanese-cryptic-beauty]

Post 2: Correcting Post 1

Or: The journey of Japanese is a journey of folly.

So, I wrote that Japanese has pitch but it's usually not important for meaning, you just sound unnatural.

... Which is something you could say ... Kinda ... sorta ...

Only the Universe has been bombarding me with the importance and prevalence of pitch ever since. So I want to qualify the statement, at least.

Check out this interesting post I found here. Now, if I read this slightly cryptic answer right (it talks about "word-accent" which I assume can mean both "pitch" - Japanese, Chinese - and "stress" - English), pitch is significant to distinguish words with same sounds (homonyms) as follows: Chinese - 71%, Japanese - 13%, English - 0.47%.

Unsurprisingly, in a language (Chinese) using (in its standard pronunciation/main dialect) 5 pitches to differentiate words, pitches are "damn important" (71%). But 13% is actually also quite significant. Your mileage may differ.

Personal bias in skimming information

Now, for me, myself, this is not so surprising. I may have come across the information that pitch exists in Japanese probably twice but my brain may have chosen to willfully ignoring it.

(Textbooks may mention it but then omit it to not overload beginners, I guess.)

Thing is, I have a horrible history with learning how to stress words in other languages. These little accent-y things and squiggles on top of words? They're my nemesis. So I guess I wanted there to be no equivalent of that in Japanese.

I had three years of Ancient Greek in school, an investment of my time that taught me a valuable lesson: Don't learn Ancient Greek. I'm kidding - or am I? - the valuable lesson was to do my choices in a less knee-jerk way. In hindsight, nothing of value would have come of learning Ancient Greek even if I did well. Your opinion may differ. Fine. I really think it's a colossal waste of time unless you make a job choice requiring it. The best it could have done for me was get better at the learning itself or the learning of languages in general. But it failed in the most important thing that language does: connecting people. If it fails at that, it barely has any right to remotely exist as a subject. Nobody likes you Ancient Greek, go away.

Besides the letters, Greek gave me major problems with the stress accents. Put it on a syllable and I would never manage to pronounce the word. I always put the stress wrong. My brain hasn't unlocked how that works. I notice the same in Spanish. I may emulate a speaker (not that I speak Spanish, but when I repeat after someone), but even then I might not even hear the difference.

I know I've aggravated my Swedish teacher for not hearing the difference between his "ooh" and "uh" sounds he was making for the letter "u." (Ironically a song based entirely on the sound "U" is now playing on shuffle.) Hopefully continued exposure and awareness of the problem might help...

There's some good news, though

While my chosen learning method of WaniKani doesn't display stress, it features two speakers, Kyoko and Kenichi that say the readings. I wondered on occasion if they were real, but they do use pitch when pronouncing words. (And they might slightly vary between each other.)

So there's a neat little feature:

You pick your speaker and chose to let pronunciation play out every time the reading is featured - in case of reviews after you transcribed it yourself first.

I have to admit I was in the habit of not playing it when I could do multi-kanji word readings well, but this exposes me to pitch and pronunciation peculiarities I might otherwise ignore.

More exposure!

[EDIT:] Probably more good news, depending where you come from

So, in researching this I came across this article. It provides two pieces of context that I want to quote .

A reply to a letter to the editor of a manga magazine printed in Romaji (without accent marked) quoted in point 5: "When two or three words sound exactly alike except for pitch accent, context is going to resolve the ambiguity virtually 100 percent of the time. In practical terms, accent is probably the least important aspect of Japanese pronunciation no matter what your level of language skill."

In other words, even bad pitch accent will be understood almost always. This is where I first will employ the most horrible, stereotypical example that's ALWAYS trotted out to justify anything: the chopsticks/bridge example.

Chopsticks and bridge both transcribe to "hashi" (and to the same Hiragana). They only vary in rising and falling pitch. Now you could argue that makes pitch important. But as the above quote states - context usually resolves that quite reliably.

I mean, having browsed reddit and Quora for a while, you will inevitably see this being trotted out, and people ask the rhetorical question: Don't you think it's important to know if the bridge is burning or a set of chopsticks?

Rhetorical questions are, of course, only questions in the most technical sense. They're usually just people being smug or actually making biased or even bad faith arguments.

As mentioned above, people are not dumb. Japanese is already incredibly context-sensitive. You constantly have to keep track of things said before - because omission is common. You can leave out the subject because you mentioned it before as "the topic." Good luck with translating that, AI...

You usually can infer what is being said. But propagators of the burning chopstick dilemma are trying hard to make you think their way. Or are they even trying? It's so tired an example. If there were lots of these, surely people would quote them, too? Who cares what's going on with the damn bridge, anyway?!?

Okay, moving on.

I found this from point 6 a very useful and probably true assessment: "People without hearing impairments can mimic the melody of language, but they can hardly interpret visual accent markers into the oral/aural domain without special training because visual and auditory stimuli are processed very differently in the human brain. In all likelihood, the author of the above-mentioned letter simply feels more comfortable visually with accent markers. But using such markers to speak Japanese creates pronunciations that are worse than a crude synthesizer."

Well, I was notoriously bad at it in one language already. I guess I will hold my horses on trying to make that my method. Thankfully, audio material is available in enormous quantities, so we can learn from the melody of native speakers. And that is good news.

[yellow-faerie]

Ok ok ask and ye shall receive - Archivist!Melanie

So the basic premise of this one is that Melanie has weird things happen to her super early in her career. First, there's an encounter with the Web probably when she's still at Uni, and there's an encounter with something or other while recording, and maybe another incident with someone or something else.

In her quest to find answers, she ends up at the Magnus Institute literally the day Gertrude goes missing (probably due to some sort of Web machination, or just dumb luck) and comes to the attention of Elias Bouchard who's like - well she's got herself a head start! And so he literally offers her a job in the Archives on the spot.

Melanie is like...umm am I qualified for that? And Elias is like...I'm gonna pay you loads and give you four assistants so do with that what you will. So Melanie takes the Archivist job.

The assistants are Sasha, Tim, Jonathan and Martin. I think the dynamic in the Archives is quite fraught between Melanie and her assistants for while they are very happy to help, there's this sort of unspoken agreement that even Martin would have been a better pick as Archivist.

This isn't to say they are friends/friendly but they don't have the basis of a friendship from working together previously that Jon had with Sasha and Tim, and so it's more difficult to not feel an undertone of bitterness that she got the job.

I reckon she's probably still quite sceptical of statements to begin with, perhaps a touch less due to her Several Experiences Already. The whole reason she's here is to understand why the Fears are like that and she is determined that once she's worked it out, she'll step down and let the others fight over the position.

Jane Prentiss happens pretty much the same as canon EXCEPT that it is Martin who gets taken by the Not!Them - not sure on the logistics of how yet - when they come out.

Melanie has a sort of paranoia arc, but it's mostly just an anger issues arc, and she and Georgie - who were sort of dating by that point - "take a break" over this and this just sorta makes things worse. The police suspect her of the murder (how could they not) and Basira and Daisy still come in as they did in canon.

The Not!Them is discovered by Jon though - who goes through a little, mini paranoia arc as a treat when his boyfriend (he and Martin were dating) starts acting weird; which culminates in someone from the library coming down to the archives and being like...that's not the guy I remember - and so he burns the table down with his lighter. (The web lighter)

Which still releases the Not!Them but we get rescued by Leitner, while Michael ends up having Tim and Sasha in his tunnels. He takes a particular liking to Sasha but does let them both leave.

Leitner appears; Leitner dies. Melanie gets accused of murder and ends up staying at Georgie's. This is inconvenient because Jon ALSO comes to visit Georgie because of the cat (a rather new development coming from losing the guy he really quite liked to Strange Fear Entities).

I reckon Melanie would definitely also travel like Jon did. I think she's probably marked by the Slaughter with the bullet in her leg just as in canon. I'm not gonna get into the specifics here because I have yet to map them out lol.

Meanwhile, back home, Jon is getting super quiet at work, Tim is furious that he's still here and Sasha has a new, developing fear of opening doors. Basira joins the Archives around this time I believe as well. (I have not got this far on my relisten so details get fuzzy from here on out lol)

But the Circus of the Other! Tim dies, as in canon, Melanie goes into the place between Life and Death but it is Georgie who wakes her up. Georgie who still has a great deal of affection for her ex-girlfriend and would rather she not die.

So I have not planned this out lol but things I know happen in this alternate S4:

- Jon goes Full Web (he's the one that Peter chooses to be his assistant but Jon is playing his own game)

- Sasha either a) ends up opening the wrong door and being swallowed by the distortion, something that kept happening for longer and longer times before the final time) or b) goes the Melanie of S4 route and quits the institute - I literally cannot decide haha

- I reckon Basira is the same sort of ruthless as in canon and is the one who does Impromptu Near Surgery (the bullet is still there after all)

- Daisy is rescued

I reckon a lot of S4 would be Melanie trying to prove she's not a monster; she helps Daisy to feel like a hero (Jon pulls her out with the tapes - the Mother doesn't want them losing the Archivist), she refuses to eat (and then lies about it when she does), etc etc

Eventually though, things come to a head and Melanie - fully marked - has to escape. So she goes to Georgie's house for help and Georgie knows a place up in Scotland where they can stay safe. (It's Daisy's safehouse, the information is for some reason being given by Georgie but shhh)

So then the Apocalypse happens. Melanie has kinda accepted that she has to eat so Georgie leaves her to it and voilà, eyepocalypse.

I really haven't thought this far ahead but if Sasha got eaten by the Distortion, she would appear instead of Helen; and if she was blinded, she'd probably end up beneath the Institute although I don't know if she'd rescue anyone or not.

Basira and Daisy's story would, again, be somewhat similar to canon because they really do not want to be AUed against their will for some reason.

That said, Jon definitely becomes a full avatar of the Web in this situation and is like Annabelle's right hand, being used to convince Georgie and Melanie of the plan to release the Fears; which he's good enough at that he gets Georgie.

And Georgie stabs Melanie.

So yeah! I love these sorts of AUs where everything twists and turns, and Archivist!Melanie is one that's so totally full of a lot of denial and anger that it...frankly fascinates me as an idea.

I desperately need to talk about my TMA au where several alternate universes with different Archivists starting the eyepocalypse, all meeting in the winding corridors of Hilltop Road as it exists in between universes, like I am literally lying awake thinking about it

There's Jon, of course, looking for Martin but there's also:

Archivist!Gertrude starting the apocalypse because she and Agnes were much closer than in canon and Gertrude will put herself in danger for one (1) person

Archivist!Melanie who joined the institute after several very weird encounters on the job and who Elias shoved into the archivist position because of her several marks; she screams and screams against it but doesn't leave because a small sliver of her is scared of death, and half believes she might be able to help other people

Archivist!Basira who takes over after Jon dies in the Unknowing and is sceptical and untrusting and ruthless, but too reckless not to get marked (and maybe she's friends with Rosie, out of lack of no-one else to be friends with, and maybe clinging to that friendship means she misses when Rosie's eyes subtly change colour)

Archivist!Sasha who is almost as sceptical as Jon but is more light-hearted, and has her own past, and whose journey mirrors Jon's so terribly but she still digs that hole anyway

Archivist!Elias, which was admittedly crack to begin with, but now I'm obsessed with whatever that would be like after Gertrude dies early - also weirdly got me into LonelyEyes so...I don't know how I feel about that

There are just so many twists and turns to all these aus and in my head they don't even interact all that much but....all the other characters who twist into new narrative positions when the Archivist changes...it fascinates me

Send me an ask with a character (literally any character from TMA) and I'll tell you how they change in each au, as well as maybe a few headcanons from the canon universe ;)

[lightninging]

this whole coronavirus thing has put a damper on my usual “run away to northern finland” daydreams so instead of idly looking at rental listings in rovaniemi or oulu i am looking at rental listings in alaska. i have cousins in fairbanks, what if i just like, showed up there and rented a shitty apartment and got a non-academic-escalator job and went camping on my days off

[mlmxreader]

The Protector | Frank Castle x trans!m!reader

Anonymous asked: ok so i’m gonna request a fic - feel free to get around to it whenever, ik you’ve just gotten a new job (congrats on that btw!!) so literally do this whenever. and def dont start it now because it’s very early in the morning and we all need our sleep.

can i request a frank castle x trans male reader fic that goes w the prompt “you’re mine, no one else is allowed to fucking touch you”? frank sorta shows up at his house at the ass crack of dawn, and he lets the reader tends to his wounds (ofc frank can do that for himself, but a) he’s missing being taken care of if ygwim and b) he wants to check if the reader is safe and ok but has no idea how to do it). could you keep it sfw please tho? like idm swearing ofc but yk what i mean. thank u!!<3

-⭐️

summary: Frank shows up unannounced and hurt at a ridiculous time, but he's lucky that you're willing to put up with that.

tws: injury and wounding, swearing

Oh, Frank was buggered as he hung onto the doorframe and waited for you to answer, doubting that you would; it was hardly dawn yet, the sun only just starting to get up onto its throne, and the chilly wind that whispered so softly made him growl and hang his head, agitated wounds never did like the cold. But then he perked up a little, knowing the song so damn well and fucking grinning when he heard it as the door opened.

'Treat Me Like the Dog I Am', Mötley Crüe. You said nothing as you dragged Frank's sorry ass inside and made him sit down at your kitchen table; he didn't want to talk, not really, but Billy Russo had told him that you were next. He didn't want to go anywhere else even though he had plenty of friends who were qualified for this sort of thing; he didn't like the thought of you being safe. Not when you had come so far in your transition that he was floored by how proud of you he felt. Not when you had always been the most handsome man in his life. Not when you were the only one who could make him blush and grin with little more than a smile; he hadn't done that in so long, before he met you, there had only one person who could do such a thing. Maybe she sent you Frank's way. Maybe not. He wasn't really into that sort of thing; religion was never really his scene.

Still, right now, there were two things on his mind; the first was getting those damn wounds patched. He could do it himself, he had done it before a thousand and one times, but he missed having someone take care of him; the doctors and nurses that he had alliances with could have done it, but Frank felt like he needed to be here with you. He felt like he had to stay, just to keep you safe and sound, just to guard you and shield you.

As you sat down with him, you tore open a packet of plasters and antiseptic wipes, sighing heavily as you chewed at the inside of your lip; sure, Frank had been there for you more times than you could count. He taught you how to present yourself in the way that you felt most comfortable when you asked, he supported you with everything - from your transition and how you saw fit to do so, all the way through to telling you which haircuts would suit you best and even through to the little things like giving you words of reassurance and softness when you needed them - without hesitation, he was there in a heartbeat if you ever needed him. Like when he had brought over battenburg cake at three o'clock in the morning because you wanted some; you weren't sure how he had gotten it when all the shops were closed, but you didn't question it. But it was more than that.

Frank meant a lot to you, a Hell of a lot, and even though you often worried about him, you knew that you had no right to; your feelings for him would never be returned, you had no right to worry when he was the Punisher and you were little more than just some guy who fancied him. You never had any right to worry, but when he clenched his jaw and growled at the sting of the antiseptic, you swallowed thickly and sighed.

"I'm sorry, Frank, but it's gonna hurt like a bitch."

"I'm fine," he replied, "as long as I got you, (y/n), I'm fine."

'Far from the Fame' by Sabaton started to play, and Frank actually relaxed a little when you started to hum along to it, even daring to smile when you sang the chorus to yourself.

"As the war rages on, you are our guide, far, far from the fame, far, far away from the fame but we still remember your name, Karel Janoušek, we mourn the day that you died so be our guide, Czechoslovakia’s pride..."

Frank really missed moments like this, moments when he could actually relax just because he was around you, and he could hear you quietly sing along to the songs you loved so much; he didn't even pay attention to how you patched him up, lost in the sound of your voice and the gentle grace of your fingertips. He licked his lips, and just as he was about to speak, you beat him to it.

"You're all done," you told him, patting his shoulder. "Just don't go getting stabbed and shot and God knows what else again."

He nodded, stealing a look at you and swallowing thickly. "Y'know, I always did like hearing you sing."

You scoffed as you raised a brow, shaking your head. "Of course you do... you want a coffee?"

"Yeah, please," he agreed, watching you walk away as you went about putting the medical equipment away. He heard the rush of the boiling tap and he heard the clink of the spoon against the mug, and before he could thank you properly, you set a cup of coffee in front of him.

"You might as well stay for a while," you told him. "Y'know, so I can keep an eye on you."

Frank hummed, tracing the rim of the mug with his finger as he did his best not to look at you. "Yeah, course... I might as well anyway, someone's gotta protect you."

"I don't need protecting," you muttered. "But if it makes you feel better... sure. You can even sleep in my bed tonight."

"Sounds good," he dared to crack a smile. So broken and jaded and hardly even a smile, but to you, it meant everything. "Besides, if I don't protect you... how can I make sure the only guy I wanna be with is safe?"

You furrowed your brows. "The fuck do you mean?"

"I mean..." he ran a hand down his face and grumbled. "I've been thinking, (y/n), and if you... look, I'm never gonna be a perfect boyfriend, maybe not even a fucking good one, but... if you want me, you can have me."

You nodded slowly, swallowing thickly. "I can have you?"

"If you want me," Frank said quietly. "Otherwise I won't say shit about it again."

"I do," you admitted, daring to grin. "Fuck, Frank, why didn't you say earlier? I mean... shit. I'll tell you later."

"No one's ever gonna get you, though," he growled. "No one. You're mine, no one else is allowed to fucking touch you, and I'll make sure of it."

if you liked this fic, REBLOG IT - you SHOULD reblog it; spam likers WILL be blocked. as will blogs that refuse to reblog or to give feedback. if you don't wanna reblog, then you'll get blocked; reblogging is the BARE MINIMUM. don't just "like", REBLOG

[saint-starflicker]

I feel like I keep recommending The Time of the Ghost and Fraternity so often, to the point that these can't be applicable recommendations for what's requested—but I swear they are this time.

The Time of the Ghost by Diana Wynne Jones has an anger-redemption subplot in a believable way, but I'm not sure that's what you're looking for if it's not the focus. It's more like...Charlotte Melford is entitled and violent in her youth, and then the book does flashforwards and shows that she's grown out of it, and I can believe that because their home was a bad situation and they didn't have guidance and they were young. But it's not the story about how Charlotte Melford got better about it. It's more like...timeskip and it can happen.

Fraternity by Andy Mientus has...a lot going on. A lot. It's complicated. It's arguably even epic. But applicable to your request, I really like Orson's starting out as shy and insecure and defensive in an average teenaged boy protagonist way—and then he takes a sharp turn for the very dark side (which, in context of the book, big valid energy tbh) and starts yelling at his friends, and it's not the volume of his anger that's really hurtful but also how incisive it is. This gets people killed, and then he has to talk to their ghosts (the ghosts of people he got killed—awkward.) And then he does the redemption.

Note that at the moment I am very biased towards Darth Zooey Orson.

[ meme

Zach Orson: I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.

Me, knowing Zach killed someone and on purpose too: I know this, and I love you. ]

I have not watched Beef 2023 but I heard it was good.

Before I go on to other recommendations that "eh, kinda mid but maybe qualify?" I want to give an honorary mention to Steven Universe the original series, the movie, and Steven Universe Future. The trash-fire fandom turned Jasper into a Problematic Fave situation as you describe, but the work itself I think did a good enough job at showing that Big Buff Cheeto Puff Jasper only respects the language of power and violence — and while that trait can and has been expressed harmfully to other characters in the original series, is then also shown in Future to be an aspect to contend with in ways that aren't elimination or "redemption by death"; Instead it's Steven who had to prove he was capable of speaking Jasper's language, and Steven grows from that. So Jasper got a win and got to living her best life without going "woe is me boohoo" like I think parts of the fandom kept on framing that character before then.

Now on to other sort of maybe kind of fit the requested recommendations, recommendations? Under cut because I had to really reach in a lot of these.

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle has Meg Murry's character flaw be her anger and her strength also her temper, although she is adolescent and the emotional landscape is Miyazaki-esque so her "anger issues" are playground scuffles.

Similar children's book heroines whose anger is their superpower: The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett, Hating Alison Ashley by Robin Klein, and maybe but I'm not sure because it's been so long since I've read any of these but Otherwise Known as Sheila the Great by Judy Blume ?

But those I think are on the level of telling kids that it's okay to feel angry. It's not like...Rage by Stephen King that he stopped publication of because it started to correllate with school shootings, right, not that level of anger with a thematic exploration of how anger gets expressed that might maybe sorta kinda come off as redemptive?

Anywhere But Here (1999 film) I did not know there was a book, and I personally did not like the "redemption" ending of this film because I have known parents like Adele August (played by Susan Sarandon) and they don't really get character development in real life; they do ruin my longtime friends' lives. Anger isn't the central characteristic or plot, though, it's more like it sometimes emerges from the situation and the relationship dynamics. I can personally understand why some people might like this movie and it's not necessarily because they want to justify being bad people—but I hate this movie.

As an alternative, Pieces of April (2003) got lambasted as a bad movie that tries to be artsy and quirky, but I think it portrayed the strained relationship between the rebellious young woman and her controlling mother really well. The world and life isn't going to stop just because a person hasn't worked through their feelings—sometimes one of them gets terminally-ill and the other is still deeply resentful and angry, so now it's awkward. Similarly to Anywhere But Here, anger isn't the central characteristic or plot, it's more like it emerges from the situation and the relationship dynamics.

The Book of Stars (1999) is similarly life in a situation and people act out vindictively but the genre they're in is one big box of hugs, so I wouldn't say that's necessarily a bad way to handle it.

I have not read the book on-which-was-based or watched Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close 2011 the whole way through so I don't know what the consensus is, but the parts I did watch showed a bereavement-based anger.

have you ever read or watched a character who had anger/control issues get redeemed/helped & it was done well? not just like a problematic fave situation where the character is abusive but really hot & charismatic or something.

ty!

[screamin-abt-haikyuu]

A Comedy of Errors. Chapter 1: Negotiations

Background: Y/N is a transfer student who joined Karasuno High in her second year because her family shifted to Miyagi. She is a volleyball player and plays as a wing spiker (ace) in the Girl’s Volleyball team.  

Pairing: Karasuno x fem reader || Romantic Pairing: Asahi x fem reader

Genre: Comedy and slight fluff at the end

A/N: Comedy is back!!! I am so excited to be writing fun stuff again because the response on the last funny story was so great and I had so much fun writing it and imagining the funny scenarios (you should definitely give it a read, I am sure you will enjoy it). As soon as I had the idea for this story, I just got straight to writing and haven’t stopped. Hope you enjoy!!

The first time Asahi saw you, it felt like he was seeing the sun for the first time.

Since the boys’ basketball team has been occupying the boys’ gym a lot, lately, Daichi asked Michimiya if he could use the girls’ gym in the evening. 

Michimiya, of course, had been more than happy to say yes to Daichi and handed him the spare keys in her excitement. In fact, keys were nothing. if Daichi had asked her for a kidney, she would probably have ripped her own out of herself and handed it to him. 

However, even though she had said yes to him with such confidence and assured him that she would make the arrangements for the boys to practice, there was a giant hurdle standing in her way. 

Once she had squeezed every extra second she could talking to Daichi, as soon as he left, she turned and ran to the floor where the second years’ classes were. 

“Y/N!” 

You were walking in the corridor, chatting with one of your friends, when you hear Michimiya’s voice. You turn around to see her running towards you. 

“Captain!” you say, surprised to see her here, “What’s up? Everything okay?” 

“Y/N can I talk to you about something?” she says, panting, “Preferably, alone.”

“Uh- sure,” you reply, your curiosity increasing. You say goodbye to your friend and walk with your captain to the empty stairwell. 

Once you have made sure that no one is around to hear you, you ask her what’s up. Michimiya looks really nervous and is playing with her fingers. 

Michimiya (M): Uh, so. Um. I might have done something stupid. And I need your help to fix it.

You raise one eyebrow questioningly.

M: Um - so - uhh - so um you know how the basketball teams have been occupying the gyms a lot more lately because their qualifiers are drawing near?

Y/N: ...yeah? But haven’t we already come up with a schedule that works for both the teams? 

M: Y-yeah

Y/N: So? Are they going back on their word now? Do they want to use the gym earlier?

M: No.

Y/N: Then?

Michimiya is looking at the ground when she says: “It’s not the girls’ basketball team. It’s the boys’. They have been hogging the boys’ gym and I kinda, sorta might or might not have promised Daichi that I would make arrangements for the girls gym to be free after our practice today so that the boys can practice there.”

Y/N: You did WHAT?!

M: Shh not so loud, someone will hear us!!

Y/N: Sorry. Captain, you KNOW that the girls basketball team will be using the gym after us, how could you promise Daichi you’d have the gym empty for him?!”

M: I know, I KNOW, but I just got so excited that he was talking to me and that he was actually asking ME for help for once that I said yes without thinking. I’m sorry.

Y/N: Okay, well, do you need help in telling him that the boys can’t have the gym later?

M: No, no, no, no, no, please no. He has always helped me and motivated me to keep going. You haven’t been around for too long but he has really supported me as a fellow captain and this is the first time that he has asked for help, you know? I really want to help, please!

Y/N: But how are we going to do that? How can they practice when the girls basketball team is in our gym?

M: Well. I was thinking we could switch our practice times for today and let the basketball team have the afternoon slot.

Y/N: Didn’t you have to fight with their captain for HOURS to let us have the earlier slot? Besides, Momoi hates you, I doubt she will agree to exchange slots on such short notice.  

M: She does hate me and everyone else on our team. And everyone else in the school, probably. That is why I need your help! Please help me talk to her. You’re new so she probably hasn’t had time to dislike you as much yet.

Y/N: That... doesn’t sound very reassuring. But I guess there’s no harm in trying. I guess that also means we won’t be practicing today.

M: Yes, but I will make it up to you guys somehow, I promise. 

Y/N: All right. Let’s get this over with. Lunchtime is about to be over soon.

M: Thank you, thank you, thank you! You’re the best, Y/N!

You laugh it off. “By the way, Captain, you have food on your face.”

You note that you probably should not have pointed this out as you watch Michimiya’s soul leave her body as she realizes that she held an entire conversation with Daichi with food sticking on her face. 

Once you have consoled her, you both walk back to the third floor to Momoi’s class, Class 3-3. She is sitting at her desk alone, eating her lunch. She sees you and Michimiya approaching and her expression immediately turns sour. 

“Momoi-san. Hello. How are you doing?” you try to flash a smile at her but it probably looks more threatening than friendly.

“Oh, forget the polite bullshit, just tell me what you want and let me eat my lunch in peace.”

You bow slightly as you say, “We- um- I was wondering if you would be so kind as to exchange the practice time slots with the Volleyball club today?”

She frowns and her eyes narrow. “And what makes you think I would want to do that? Your captain here almost bit my ear off for the earlier slot for you guys.”

“Hey! I did no-” Michimiya starts to say but shuts up after you shoot her a glare. She continues, “R-right. About that. Yes, I know some heated words were exchanged. But really, we wouldn’t be coming here to you if it wasn’t really important.”

“And why should I care about something that’s important to you?”

“Please, Momoi-san. We promise we will make it up to you. As a peace offering, you can take the afternoon slot on any day of your choosing.” you say, your face as pleading as you can make it appear.

“Hmmmm. I have thought about it and my answer is no.”

“But-”

“Actually, I’ve changed my mind. You have 10 seconds to tell me a very good reason as to why you want the gym later today and if I think it’s worthy, I will agree to us using the gym earlier. However, if I don’t deem it worthy, then this conversation is over,” stating which, Momoi started counting backwards from 10. 

10 - 9 - 8 - 7

You start to panic, trying to think of a valid reason quickly.

6 - 5 - 4 - 3 

It’s too soon for you to think!!! 

“Y/N’s DYING!” Michimiya’s panicked voice filled the whole classroom. Everyone turned to look at what’s happening. 

“What?!” You and Momoi shout at the same time.

Your eyes are wide open and glaring at Michimiya as you try to process what she’s just said.

Momoi looks at you, her eyes narrowed with suspicion, “What does she mean you’re dying?”

“Uhh by dying... she means that I’m...I’m... dyeing!” you stutter, your brain going a hundred miles an hour. 

“You just repeated the word.”

“Yeah, n-no, I mean that she doesn’t mean I’m going to die. It’s the other... dye. Hair dye.” 

“So let me get this straight, you want us to exchange practice time slots because you want to dye your damn hair?” she said, incredulously.

“N-No. It’s my grandma. Sh-she’s old. And she has been a widow for the last 20 years. A-and it’s her first date tonight in years!” you say, a believable lie finally forming in your head. “A-and when I was leaving for school today she asked me if I could dye her hair for her and help her get ready because she hasn’t done anything of this sort in years. T- that’s why we had to ask you on such short notice.”

“As cute as that is, why can’t the others practice without you?”

“Oh well, because I can’t help her get ready by myself! I’m gonna need at least three of my friends helping me and they’re all from the VBC, including our Captain here. I really need their help. I mean, have you seen me? I have no sense of fashion at all,” you say, hoping a little self deprecation might help your case.

“Well, I have never seen you in casual clothes so I can’t say but I have heard that you are a giant nerd so that probably checks out. Sigh. All right, fine. You can have the evening slot today, I guess. I wasn’t particularly keen on staying late at school tonight anyway”

You and Michimiya bow down and thank her profusely. You hear the bell ring and you start to walk out of the classroom.

As soon as you’re in the corridor, you turn to Michimiya, “I’m dying?? Really??”

“I’m sorry, the 10 seconds were about to be over so I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind.”

“and your first thought was me dying?!”

“Well... it worked, didn’t it?”

You both look at each other and burst out laughing loudly. She was right, as ludicrous as it was, you managed to turn it around and make it work. You both walk towards her classroom, still laughing. 

“Thanks a lot for doing this, Y/N.”

“It was no problem at all.” you say, smiling.

“Let me treat you to meat buns after school! We’ll ask the whole team to accompany us. As a thank you. Please don’t say no, I insist!”

“Okay. That would be nice. We can celebrate me dying.”

You both burst out laughing again. You wave her goodbye and start walking towards your own classroom, still chuckling.

As you are walking, you don’t notice the tall guy walk past you. You don’t notice his long brown locks, tied back into a neat bun on his head. You don’t notice the blush he has on his face as his grey-haired friend is laughing teasingly at him. 

But he noticed you. Asahi had been walking back to class after having lunch with Sugawara when he saw you. Well, actually, he spotted Michimiya first and was about to go say hi to her when he realized she was with someone. And as he watched, the two of you burst into peals of laughter. Oh, what a laugh you had. It rang so clearly in his ears. For some reason, he was dumbfounded. 

It felt like he was seeing the sun for the first time and he was transfixed. He felt like he was floating.

He was brought back to earth when he felt Suga’s finger on his chin, pushing his jaw upward. He realized that he had been open-mouthed staring at you. His face turned red. Thankfully, you hadn’t noticed him. He looked sideways at Suga and found his grey haired friend looking at him with extreme amusement on his face. 

“Are my eyes deceiving me? Did Asahi Azumane just notice a girl? More than that, did he like what he saw?”

Asahi turned a deeper shade of red and kept walking. “N-no! It’s nothing like that! I just saw M- Michimiya and I was going to say hi but I stopped when I saw she was with someone!”

“Sure, sure,” Suga teased, “Someone who you couldn’t take your eyes off of.”

A classmate overheard their conversation and chimed in. “Oo are you guys talking about that girl who was just here with Michimiya-chan?”

Asahi: N-no!

Suga: Y e s 

“Yeah, she’s pretty, isn’t she? Too bad she’s dying.”

“.......”

WHAT?!

Chapter 2 is up!

Chapter 3 is up, too!

Dun dun dunnnn. Of course I had to end this on a cliffhanger. Hope you liked the first part!!

Let me know if you would like to be tagged when I upload the next one! 

Likes, reblogs, follows, comments are much appreciated!! Please do not repost.

The best is yet to come, though, I am so excited to finish this story, I love it so much already aaaaah!!

Buy me a Kofi! <3

[dateamonster]

hello tumblr user dateamonster!! do you have any recommendations for good zombie media? my gf rlly likes zombies but has burned through a lot of the good stuff to be easily found. movies shows anime games etc, anything goes. ty!

oof good question but one im not sure im totally qualified to answer since most of the zombie media i consume is on the campier, sillier side.

i do have some somewhat more Serious zombos i enjoy tho!

the girl with all the gifts is one of my alltime favs (and ive heard the book is good too tho i havent read it) it hits a lot of the beats zombie fans will probably already be familiar with but the main character being a sort of half-zombie (makes more sense in context trust me) as well as a child born into this apocalyptic setting creates a totally new perspective and to me is one of the strongest most thoughtful pieces of work to come out of this sorta subgenre in a long time

the resident evil game series is probably a given. on the off chance she hasnt played it or watched a playthrough, that shits mandatory.

z-nation i think kinda tippytoes the line between stuff fans of, for example, the walking dead will recognize and enjoy in terms of ya know a story focusing more on the interpersonal drama of a group of survivors living through an ongoing apocalypse, and the sillier doesnt-take-itself-too-seriously stuff i personally enjoy, like the ongoing bit where theres just a big ball of entangled zombies rolling across the scenery. its the delicious junk food of tv zombies (though granted ive only watched i think the first few seasons when it was playing nonstop on syfy)

and if you want to join me in enjoying only thee most quality campy schlock..

zombieland saga! literally one of my favorite anime ever! i consider it in this sort of less serious category because the concept of undead idol girls is obviously pretty ridiculous on paper and not gonna be everyones thing, but if the premise even remotely intrigues you, please give it a shot. the story is fun, the characters are loveable and surprisingly complex beneath the typical moe girl archtype exteriors, the humor is on point but doesnt undermine the actually pretty effective emotional moments, and the music fucks! we stan!

z-o-m-b-i-e-s is like c-tier early 2000s dcom realness with a 2018 budget, better choreography, worse songs, questionable moral messaging, all reeking with a dangerous level of green hair dye and party city greasepaint fumes. ive watched it like four times. i cant totally explain it but its got like nostalgic high school musical vibes except more paranormal and much much sillier. dares to ask the question: can cheerleading end all prejudice and bring about world peace? (the answer is yes but theyll be repeating that question for three movies)

zombie prom. very similar to the above in general vibe except the music is honestly kind of good? theres a stage play and a movie which is more or less just a slightly shortened version. in a lot of ways it honestly feels like the fully realized version of z-o-m-b-i-e-s. if you watch the movie ru paul is there, whether thats an incentive or disincentive.

and to wrap it up another game you probably already know about, lollipop chainsaw. yes its problematic but i am honoring my past teenage self who averted their gaze when they walked by it on the shelves in gamestop by saying tara strong sexy cheerleader zombie slayer game is fun and good.

anyway all this to say my taste is very questionable when it comes to this subgenre but i hope u get something out of it. a lot of zombie stories kinda flop for me because the horror element gets watered down into this more actiony survive the zombo apocalypse type thing but the concept of zombies is definitely something that interests me despite this and there are definitely some good pieces of zombie media out there.

oh! and i havent read it yet, but ive heard really promising things about the book manhunt by gretchen felker-martin. not explicitly a zombie story i dont think but draws from the same place for sure. would be worth checking out i think.