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atanx · 9 months ago

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James Somerton's "A Measured Response": A Measured Response

so I watched a reupload of the video because idk i like to torture myself. and i took a bunch of notes:

“I tried to be a voice for every member of the queer community, but that was a failed endeavour before it even started.”

what a strange way to say ‘I tried making it seem like I’m the only queer creator and stole from and actively harmed people in the queer community. knowingly. purposefully. and when I was called out in the past I tried to hide it.'

“I'm a cis, white, gay man. No matter how much I try to be a good spokesperson, I can never really, truly, understand the life experiences of other, far more put upon, members of the queer community.”

so of course I stole and hid work from the people I can't understand, gutting it of their personal experiences and refused to redirect my audience to those people so that they can enrich themselves and hear about issues pertaining them from someone who actually does understand.

“...one of the reasons I used their own words. But I should have made it clear that that was what I was doing.”

BITCH YOU STOLE. YOU GUTTED THEIR STORIES OF MEANINGFUL PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. YOU WEREN'T USING THEIR WORDS TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T ENTIRELY UNDERSTAND YOU WERE MILKING THEM FOR CONTENT AND DEPRIVING PEOPLE OF ACTUAL, SOULFUL, MEANINGFUL ARTICLES AND BOOKS AND DOCUMENTARIES AND VIDEOS THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING INSTEAD.

“Being a cis white man I thought I might win over some people who otherwise wouldn't listen.”

Yeah sure. Because racist transphobes are going to be watching your badly plagiarised gay film analysis.

“I would also like to apologise to Jessie Gender, who is one of the kindest people I ever met. Through my hot-headedness, I drew her into this anger spiral.”

‘through my hotheadedness.’. shirking responsibility onto an ‘ingrained personality trait of yours’ I see.

if you are so honestly sorry for being an asshole to Jessie why don't you fucking apologise to her directly? privately? not as a way to boost your own fucking image??

he's trying to earn good will by complimenting Jessie Gender “oh he knows to compliment an awesome person we have that in common I guess he can't be so bad after all” fuck you I recognise your strategies and it's gross to drag Jessie into this like that, she spoke out against you and you are trying to imply some sort of friendship or something between you. okay I cannot UNDERSTATE the way he tries to make it seem like they are close in some way and sort of drag her onto his side that's so fucking despicable. as far as I know Jessie Gender does not have a relationship with him of any kind?

once again bringing up death threats I see. obviously death threats are shite and anyone who threatens the dude in seriousness or harasses him will not see the light of heaven as Hbomberguy said but IN AN APOLOGY YOU DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU THAT'S MANIPULATION

also blaming the police for not clarifying a situation in a timely manner - the police are a flaming pile of garbage and I hope the institution explodes but NOT SAYING ANYTHING WAS YOUR CHOICE. THE POLICE DIDN'T MAKE YOU DO SHIT THERE

the problem isn't that you tried to “create a channel where all queer people could be safe”, the problem is that 1) you are a misogynist 2) you yourself engaged in transphobic behaviour and 3) you also actively supressed queer people's voices. The problem isn't that you supposedly wanted a space for all queer people, the problem is that you tried to MONOPOLISE queer literature analysis. fuck, queer doesn't look like a word anymore I've written it too many times now

(paraphrased) “I should have been helping with making queer people's voices discoverable” this makes it seem like he just didn't do anything and not like the reality that he was actively trying to rewrite history and bury LQBTQIA+ voices under his steaming pile of garbage

also BLAMING YOUTUBE AND THE ALGORITHM FOR ‘PUSHING HIM’ because he's cis and white, like maybe they did, I certainly wouldn't be surprised, but that is not why other creators suffered, a large part of that can be attributed to James Somerton stealing their work without any acknowledgement whatsoever apart maybe if they are lucky, a “based on” in the credits or their name flashing on screen for half a second.

“I should have done more to share the voices of other queer people” THAT IMPLIES YOU DID SOMETHING. YOU WERE ACTIVELY WORKING AGAINST THAT YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT-

“it was just my dweam to be a youtubew and when my videos gained twaction i felt pwessuwed to make mowe vewy quickly and that's why they wewe so shit uwu” fuck off you weren't pressured into shit you just wanted to make money and that's why you were a content mill

“early on I thought that crediting authors in the opening credits alone was enough” what about the times YOU DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT??? YOU'RE MAKING THIS SEEM LIKE THE DRAMA IS ABOUT YOU CREDITING PEOPLE WRONG WHEN ITS ABOUT YOUR SYSTEMATIC THEFT AND OPPRESSION OF THOSE YOU CLAIM TO MAKE VIDEOS FOR AND ABOUT AND THOSE YOU CLAIM TO MAKE A SAFE SPACE FOR. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WATCHES YOUR VIDEOS?? WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID YOU CAN'T JUST PLAY IT DOWN

not him using Hbomberguy's example of the DEEP CUTS: SOCIETY AND QUEER HORROR video and claiming he credited all people in the opening scene when Hbomberguy highlighted he DIDNT EVEN CREDIT MOST OF THEM FUCK OFF ARE YOU DELUSIONAL HOW DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS

I think I'm going insane this all seems so blatantly fake. he brings up the evil queens video and how he asked Sean Griffin, retroactively, permission to include his work in the video. and he shows a ‘screenshot’ of an email Griffin allegedly wrote to thank him for putting him in the title-card and that he thinks it is ‘a very thoughtful video’. only the text of the email header, such as Griffin's name, the RE:, and the To: is a lot smaller than the ‘text’ in the email, which leads me to believe that the below text is edited in some way. And with how hard James is trying to rewrite history, it wouldn't surprise me if he literally rewrote the email or cut things out to present himself in a more positive light. obviously I can't prove that the email is fake but I'll just say that I think the likelihood is very high that it is.

the way he says this also implies that he asked for permission after he made the video but hadn't published it yet. which is also blatantly false.

again trying to waltz off responsibility on nick, saying he was much more interested in production and implying that nick did all the writing .

“nick and I had both grown up poor so when I lost my job in 2021 (approx.) we of course were desperate and turned to producing videos even quicker and plagiarising the fuck out of all of them! but we can't help it we were both poor as kids!” fuck off, you weren't poor when plagiarising every-fucking-thing, this was in “the second year of COVID”. obviously if they really did grow up poor that sucks, and that's why we should eat the rich and redistribute their money. not plagiarise people who partly are poor or not financially cushy and manipulate thousands of people into believing you are the only queer creator.

also milking his mom's cancer. if you were really that worried about your financial situation, one would think that you would get an actual job for security and not put everything into your youtube career that is unstable, especially considering you've already done a lot of plagiarism and have no intention of stopping. “oh I plagiarised because my mom had cancer QAQ” that is so digusting to use a person's medical condition like that.

“i have memory issues because of a head injury i suffered as a child and that's why I plagiarise badly. see, I copy pasted the text with the intention to rephrase it later but forgot.” that would still be fucking plagiarism if he'd done that, also, if he's so aware of his memory issues and how they lead to him plagiarising, why didn't he try to work around that? leave himself notes? or tell nick to remind him to integrate actual proper credit and citations before uploading a video? mark the plagiarised stuff in the document with like highlighter or so when you're pasting it in?? oh but he didn't do all of that because he has ADHD. now, ADHD can be debilitating, but he says it's recently diagnosed so it must not have caused a lot of problems for him so far, so it's probably not severe and even if it is, it doesn't excuse him not crediting people properly. stop fucking hiding behind things ‘you can’t change' because if you truly can't you probably shouldn't be doing this in the first place.

“my mom really wanted me to make a movie with her life insurance but that wasn't paid out so I decided to crowdfund it. i planned to underpay the actors so hard it was under union wages. we got more money than we were expecting and upgraded to wanting to film a feature (final girl) but i didn't want to start working on it until the campaign was over for some reason that totally isn't me just wanting to exploit people for money!”

I'm not gonna go into the Telos stuff but he tries to explain it by claiming it was very unorganised and that's why they constantly ran into issues and that's why nothing ever got done and they were JUST about to start doing stuff when the Hbomberguy video released. You know what, I can believe it, although I am very doubtful considering all James ever does is lie. Idk.

once again trying to excuse his plagiarism with needing to pay two rents and thus needing to make more videos for more sponsors and not having the time to not plagiarise like please. i don't believe that they were in that dire need of money and if they were - just get a fucking stable job and put youtube on the backburner.

also once again trying to make it all about him by once again talking about his suicide attempt and death threats. like. no one should suffer through that kind of mental anguish but honestly I cannot bring myself to feel sympathy for this man. and i see this as an attempt to gather pity points.

“nick worked very hard on these videos other three years and it's unfair to [them] (james says that they're non-binary but doesn't indicate their pronouns anywhere? and in the beginning he uses they/them but later only he/him so idk what their pronouns are but it seems like they/them is at least part of their pronouns so i'm just going to use that) that they all got taken down” well y'all shouldn't have fucking plagiarised then. let this be a lesson maybe and don't fucking show your face on youtube again!

he is fucking relaunching his channel. like james. this isn't something you come back from. no one will ever be able to trust you ever again and you don't deserve an audience. he claims all the revenue will go to Hbomberguy's fund but we have no way to verify this. we have no way to know just how much he makes and how much of that is actually going to the fund. i don't trust him with any money. which is why i watched a reupload rather than the original. he's also releasing a new video he claims is entirely by him. like?????? don't???????

he also might not relaunch his existing patreon but he's still making a new one.

he claims he will “work his ass off” to make non-plagiarised videos. like that isn't “working your ass off” that's the bare fucking minimum. I really want to trust him. and I want to believe he'll actually try to do better. and maybe he will. and i believe in second chances, even for someone as despicable as him. but throughout this video he has continuously tried to play down what he did. tried to make excuses for everything. and that's why i am not going to give him a second chance. if he can't even admit what he did i don't trust him to not do it again. and i also just plainly don't want to endorse a person making such arguments.

also, he plugs his fucking new patreon right after this.

“this video is not about me promoting myself. it's about me apologising.” the only fucking person you actually ‘apologised’ to is Jessie Gender.

James Somerton: makes a billion fucking excuses. Also James Somerton: “These are not excuses. There is no excuse for what I did.”

this entire video was just a publicity stunt. he tries to humanise himself and repair his image. this is just a tool to be able to continue on and continue making money.

he also still claims the disney video was based on the Celluloid Closet and he credited the author and ignores that this wasn't the only author he fucking plagiarised in that video. he is trying to reduce his plagiarsm to incorrect crediting and mistakes and that is disgusting.

the least he could have done was mention by name out loud every author he plagiarised and what work he plagiarised. not just say “uuuh i'm sorry to everyone I plagiarised QAQ”

#james somerton #hbomberguy #james somerton a measured response #atanx.txt

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kanmom51 · 1 year ago

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Felt like I had to bring this back

Please forgive me @juliapark13 for hijacking your post, but I just had to, it being the perfect example of not only how stupid people are, but also of how there is no problem for people to make assumptions as to the members sexuality when it's about assuming they are straight. It only works in one direction though.

This ask:

And this post linked:

Because, I too feel for either of their non existent girl friends, former (past 7 years), present or future.

With all the noise about the word girl maybe or maybe not being in a snippet of a maybe JK song on his maybe album, I thought it fitting to bring a few posts back.

All part of my hardcore expose proving once and for all that, you guessed right, JK ain't gay.

RB - the Jikook conversation transcript.

Hickey-gate.

It's true. They have been covering for each other for years.

JK ain't gay pt. 1

JK ain't gay pt. 2

JK ain't gay pt. 3

JK ain't gay pt. 2 of pt. 3

And if talking about the gf...

I'm guessing that now with this shit circulating it's time for a part 4 of this expose then, right? I mean the word girl in lyrics to his song (maybe). That would surely mean he's straight, right? Cause Ricky Martin is 100% straight, always was.

Wait, he's not?

But surely he was when he was singing:

"Woke up in New York City

In a funky cheap hotel

She took my heart, and she took my money"

No?

Shite.

Could it possibly be that a queer artist sing a song with lyrics that have zero to do with his own personal life? Could it be?

Could a queer artist create art (song, dance, paintings, acting etc.) that has nothing to do with his sexual orientation?

And now I'm being dead serious. This is total bull. Of course queer artists create art that is not necessarily personal. Queer singers singing songs about loving women, queer actors playing roles being in love with a woman all while they are gay. Queer artists painting women.

Now about this song snippet specifically:

We don't know if this is an actual song or perhaps a guide song.

We don't know what he is actually saying there (I've literally heard so many different versions of it, some with girl some without).

We don't know the full lyrics of this specific song.

We don't know if this song is on his album.

We don't know what this album consists of, how many songs, how personal it is as a whole, who wrote the lyrics to some or all of his songs.

We just don't know.

If the song or songs on his album have female pronouns and talk about love and attraction to females, and if JK tells us the album and all songs on it are personal to him, only then will people be able to come around to our blogs and claim some sort of proof that JK might be interested in women.

But does that rule out him being queer?

Heck no. Cause you know, bisexual is a thing. Pansexual too.

But there is no talking to these people. When you are a brainless moron it's hard to understand that love is love is love. You also can't possibly see what these two have been up to for the past 7 years or so. You can't see, you can't hear everything they've showed us, told us. What a kick in their gut it was when JK came live in the past couple of months with JM on the mind. And what a kick in the gut it will be for them if we have a Letter like song on his album. Here's hoping. Yes, that's me being as petty as fuck.

#Jikook #Kookmin #minkook #Jungkook #JK #Jimin #JM

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professionallydeadinside · 2 years ago

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Oh yeah bro the creator is probably a great guy and he should in no way at all be getting hate or death threats or anything of the sort. Criticism? Absolutely, this comic is ass shit hotdog water, but criticism is, obviously, different from actually threatening the guy.

And I would also like to say this comic would be more redeemable if it was advertised differently, which is definitely something I would tell him if I could. If the comic was more advertised as just something he likes and his own little passion project? Sure, it’d still be absolute shite, but its his own shite so who cares. But by advertising it and giving it this reputation of amazing queer and gay representation, you’re inviting a lot more pressure than this comic can handle, which is something else I would say to him. If the comic had no intent or even rumour of being good gay rep, that’d be different. I also think its a problem because it’s one of the few, and maybe even only, comic about a poly relationship thats in such an accessible place. Yes there are almost absolutely poly comics elsewhere on the internet, I’m fucking sure of it, and people have poly oc’s that they may write or draw about, but they aren’t on webtoon and, most importantly, they aren’t being advertised on YouTube and other huge websites. I don’t know Webtoon decides what comics to use to advertise, and I don’t pretend to know, but regardless of whether you have to submit the comic or Webtoon just emails you and asks for permission to use it, there’s still some responsibility on the creator. If this comic really was just for the creators personal fun, that’s totally fair! You’re allowed to make shit stories when they’re for you and some friends! And the occasional enjoyer! That’s so fair and valid! Make shit stories, it’s how you learn! But by allowing it to become an ad, it’s now forced to stand on its own against the mass public. That means criticism, that means meticulously being picked apart. That means realising that your fun can hurt people. Again, I think that if Boyfriends had never been used in ads, these problems wouldn’t exist, or would be much lesser. But by being an ad, it

1) gains the idea that its amazing. You’d think that choosing something to be an ad for your website means it’d be an amazing thing. You wouldn’t want, like, FF.net to use My Immortal as an ad (even though that would be a great marketing tactic because of its notoriety its an objectively bad fic). Its that thought that brings people in to that comic with extremely high hopes. Those high hopes aren’t good for a comic that would almost certainly be better as a goofy comic thats known by very few and is very much just shown to those that would enjoy it, those that search it out.

2) is shown to people who wouldn’t enjoy this comic. Instead of keeping it hidden and almost underground, where the only ones who see it are those that search it out and thusly would enjoy it. By showing it to a wide audience like the ads on YouTube did, not even only showing them before gay creators videos!, its opening the door for people who wouldn’t actually enjoy this comic and how it works, and that’s something that shouldn’t happen.

3) it’s given a reputation. By being a comic about gays in a poly relationship, something horrendously underrepresented, and by showing this comic to so many, it’s automatically expected to be a great demonstration of poly relationships. It isn’t. This isn’t a great demonstration of poly relationships. One forth of the relationship only cares about the others for sex.

These are all things that I wish, I wish, the creator would’ve realised before agreeing to let their comic be used in ads. Of course, this is assuming that webtoon even asked permission to use the comic, but I don’t know enough about how Webtoon chooses comics for ads to say anything. I wish the creator had realised or someone had told them that this comic simply cannot stand up in the face of the mass public. It is a comic for a very specific kind of person, with very specific interests in their comics they ingest. Its for people who like the cutesy anime kawaii-without-understanding-that-kawaii-was-made-as-Japanese-punk-rebellion aesthetics with OWO UWU humour. Its not for everyone. Its not even for most people. It’s very sad to me that something they made for likely their own enjoyment was thrust in front of the public where it was essentially thrown to the wolves. But it happened, and the creator presumably consented to it being put here, in front of us all, shoved in our faces by Webtoons ads, and so it will thusly be ripped to shreds and critiqued. By putting it in such a lime light, the creator has, inadvertently or not, invited such criticism. While they don’t deserve threats or to feel unsafe, they allowed their comic to be shown like it was, and thusly, I feel, cannot complain about the consequences of that action.

SILAS RANT RETURN SILAS RANT RETURN

#i hope you know when you send these i accept them like a teacher being handed an essay #answered

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jackspadiceye · 1 year ago

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“Top of the Mornin’ to ya laddies my name is Jacksepticeye!”

Basics:

Full name: Sean William Mcloughlin Alias: Jacksepticeye Height: 5′8″ Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Bi Age/Birthday: 33, February 7th, 1990 From: Cloghan, County Offaly, Ireland Species: Puca

Family Life:

Spouse: Patty Walters Children: a fur baby, BB or Big Boss, he’s a cat who thinks hes human Hotel Duties: Runs: Irish Meatballs with Mark Deck Duties: “I help get gaming consoles in there, different arcade games and help get merchandise from other YouTubers into their shop at the front. I own it with Mark, who’s also a Youtuber, and it’s basically a place where if you wanna play a game, we probably have a way to do it. Plus old school arcade? Of course.

When I’m not helping with that I’m doing my own channel on Jacksepticeye, podcast with Ethan Nestor, called Brain Leak, or working on my coffee brand, Top of the Morning. Also bothering my friends if I can remember to message them.”

“All the way to fucking victory town, All the way, feels good to be a winner every now and then”

Summary:

“I’m a bit loud, and can be obnoxious, I promise any joke I make is out of love of my friends. I used to be really quiet, and quite depressed when I lived back in Ireland, it was just me and a cabin and my games, so that was my outlet to meeting people and getting out in the world. I’ve met many of my best friends through Youtube, and I honestly love what I get to do. I run a charity stream called Thankmas, where I raise money for different charities for a whole day. We hit 10 million dollars last time and I honestly cried.

I’m fucking blessed to be where I am today. I’m usually seen with Valkyrae, Mark Deck, Val, Corpse, whoever I’m spending time with at the time. I’ll also bother Lizzie sometimes by calling her mom, I can’t help it, I don’t make the rules when she yells my name for me doin’ stupid shite. I honestly will talk to anyone, just remind my ADHD arse to reply. I also swear, I’ve tried not to, and I’m better at it but sometimes they slip through.”

“Simple challenge, I call bullshit on that! Grab it with your teeth, one is all you need”

Plots I'm open to/Wanting: I'm looking for the following: FRIENDS, I’ve talked to myself too long, just come hit me up and say hi, I promise I don’t bite. I may prattle on but I don’t bite. any sort of plot I’m up for because honestly, my book is empty

#bahq;task

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newrulesnewlife · 8 months ago

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@shmreduplication tagged me to post 5 songs I've been listening to, so here goes.

I've been making a conscious effort to listen to more music in the last year because a) I really like it and b) my headphones are so bad I can't listen to podcasts if there is ambient noise.

I paid for youtube premium last summer and it's good for avoiding ads in late night ASMR videos and also for when I get hit with a 7 minute ad while I'm driving and I can't skip it because...I'm driving!

The discovery option can be quite good, IF I go a little bit left field because otherwise it gives me the same songs again and again. For some reason, Metric

I put Apathy - It takes a seven nation army to hold us back into youtube music and before long, I had Jimmy Recard, which as far as I can tell charted at 97 in Australia over a decade ago However, it's relentlessly fun, and works as a very quick musical pick me up for when I'm walking out of work.

JAY

ARR

JIMMY RECARD!

And now the algorithm serves me lots of Aussie Hip hop.

youtube

You'll know The Beths from Barack Obama's Summer 2023 playlist. But this isn't that song. It isn't even the smash that they named their last album after. It's A Passing Rain, and it kicks it into high gear

youtube

I discovered The Joy Formidable (incredible band name. They belong in a 90s X-Men comic) last year, and was already a decade late to Whirring. Whirring is a towering block rocker that sort of outstays its welcome with a 2 minute outro. But...what if it was a welsh langage acoustic version? Then, it would be Chwyrlio, which strays perilously close to setting up for I'm feeling strangely unsatisfied, which is the sound of hitting a continental plate with a synthesizer. Every time I hear THAT, I get goose bumps.

youtube

Because I heard it in a shopping centre, I gave Beautiful Things a go, and it's a lot of country tinged shite wrapped around a solid gold core of PLEASE. DON'T TAKE. THESE BEAUTIFUL THINGS THAT I'VE GOT. I don't care about your insecurities. I am here for you shouting the chorus

youtube

and because it was one of the last songs I liked, and the mention of trepannation gives it bonus points, please enjoy Nervous System by Candi Carpenter

youtube

Summary:

Drapht - Jimmy Recard

The Beths - A Passing Rain

The Joy Formidable - Chwyrlio

Benson Boone - Beautiful Things

Candi Carpenter - Nervous System

And now I tag @itsbiscuittime, @deadshiftwork, @ronchronchronch, @expertpedestrian, @felrija,

#new tunes for a new life #the joy formidable #Youtube

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heysatanitsyourgirl · 2 years ago

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Thank you sm for tagging me @honeymuck !!!!

🖋 - Do you have/want any tattoos?

I do want tattoos !! But I’m indecisive and constantly changing so I’m terrified that I’ll get something and find it cringe in a year

💚 - What’s your favourite colour?

Celestial Blue !

🍕 - What’s the last food you ate?

Peri Peri chicken

🕰 - What time is it where you are rn?

7:30pm

🌟 - What is your zodiac sign?

I’m a Gemini bitch

🌍 - What’s your favourite accent?

In my country? Manchester. Over all? Probably Spanish /Italian. I have a friend from Cuba and a few Italian friends and I love just listening to them talk

⚡️ - Do you have any scars?

Like SOOOOO many. I’m clumsy af. I have one of my arm from when I tripped over MY OWN FEET and fell into my cork board and somehow managed to wedge a push pin FULLY into my arm

🌺 - What’s your MBTI type?

INFP

🥀 - Favourite animated movie?

Anastasia. I’m wearing the necklace rn.

📺 - Favourite show?

1960’s Batman. Adman west is funny as shit.

😂 - Are you ticklish?

If anyone attempts to tickle me I’d punch them

💍 - Do you ever want to get married?

Yeah but only for a massive party that I get to plan without question.

😳 - Do you like your name?

Yeah it’s chill. It used to be super uncommon but now it’s super popular so my 10 year old sister has like 4 friends with the name. I prefer to shorten it for gender reasons.

💙 - What colour is your room?

Fuxkin beige. My parents refuse to let me paint it because we don’t own the house.

🤓 - How did you get your name?

My mum has worked in childcare my whole life and she straight up stole it from this girl she looked after in nursery.

🎓 - When did/when do you graduate?

Two years left of uni after this may!

🍄 - Do you have/want any piercings?

I have two super basic lobe piercings. I want a MILLION MORE. I want a nose piecing as well. Alas I go to university and therefore am broke as fuck.

👀 - What colour are your eyes?

Some sort of a greyish version of a green/blue mix.

👱🏻‍♀️ - What’s your go to hairstyle?

I have a sort of tamed wolf cut so I just have to style that

🍻 - Have you ever drank underage?

Yeah but I’m English so that’s just expected

🍾 - Have you ever gotten drunk?

No!! Not for lack of trying tho, I get SUPER tired tipsy so I get super dizzy and pass out before I can get drunk.

😱 - What’s your biggest fear?

If I think too much about existence and the general randomness of the universe I have a panic attack. Also spiders

🥵 - Would you rather be too hot or too cold?

Too cold. I prefer heat but I want hot chocolate and cozy jumpers

🌦 - What’s your favourite weather?

Heat.

🍂 - What’s your favourite season?

I don’t really have a favourite. The one I like least is spring.

🐷 - What’s your favourite animal?

Chinchilla

🐶 - Do you have any pets?

😴 - What’s the longest you’ve gone w out sleep?

Like 28 hours

🤠 - Are you more of a country person or city person?

I was born and raised in a Small town but I have the strength of a born Londoner whilst navigating the city so probs city.

🛩 - If travelling was free, where’s the first place you’d go?

Anywhere and everywhere.

📱 - Favourite app on your phone?

Tumblr and my document app that I use to download YouTube videos so I can stream music without paying for Spotify premium lmao.

🎨 - Any hobbies?

I do a shite ton of art stuff. Either it be digital or traditional. I do a lot of cloth customisation (mostly my shirts and shoes) but I’m so consumed with coursework atm that I haven’t done it in a while.

Same rules yo !! If you wanna do this tag me !! And let me see your answers cuz idk who to tag <3

#get to know me tag

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crusherthedoctor · 4 years ago

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Sonic Heroes: Sweet or Shite? - Part 1: SILVER

There are some heroes I like. And there are some heroes I don’t like. But why do I feel about them the way I do? That’s where this comes in.

This is a series in which I go into slightly more detail about my thoughts on the heroes in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, and why I think they either work well, or fall flat (or somewhere in-between). I’ll be giving my stance on their designs, their personalities, and what they had to show for themselves over the course of time. Two things to keep in mind:

1. These reviews will be focusing mainly on game portrayals. Though alternate media will occasionally be mentioned, it'll be for the sake of adding onto a point if a portrayal is similar enough, or to compare and contrast if a portrayal is different enough.

2. These are just my own personal thoughts. Whether you agree or disagree, feel free to share your own thoughts and opinions! I don’t bite. :>

Anyhow, for today’s installment, I decided to challenge myself by starting off with a complicated one. Born from the future, and never content to stay put in said future, it's the saviour whose debut came from the most unfortunate game... Silver the Hedgehog.

The Gist: Once upon a time, in the distant future, there was an idealistic young hedgehog named Silver, gifted with the power of telekinesis for reasons unknown. With his amazing potential, he was truly destined for a wonderful, prosperous li-just kidding, it was shit.

“All two of us.”

For as long as he knew, the world was forever plagued by Iblis, the terrible Flames of Disaster. Cities stood in ruin, flames stood high, the floor was lava... it was a bitter life to be certain, all thanks to Iblis. Not even defeating the titular creature did much good, since it would simply come back to be a shitty boss fight another day. What was he - and his friend, Blaze, a character we definitely never saw before and definitely didn't have a completely different backstory before - to do?

Trust the first person he sees, of course. Even if they look like they might be related to the same Flames of Disaster that he fights so constantly.

If he had eyelids, he'd be winking at the camera.

This mysterious fellow, Mephiles the Dark, informed Silver that if he were to wipe out Iblis for real, he would need to take a trip into the past, and eliminate the root of the problem... Sonic the Hedgehog? That was what Mephiles claimed, yes. What was his proof? There was no proof.

That was good enough for Silver.

Oh look, it's Fleetway Sonic.

After an elaborate series of events, which should sound exciting but really isn't because it was just Silver going “Iblis Trigger grrr” in varying tones of voice, he was finally able to corner the blue hedgehog... twice! And despite having less fighting know-how than the hero who saved the world plenty of times, he effortlessly came close to killing the blue hedgehog... twice!

This looks like a jobbing for...

Why twice? The first time was halted by Sonic's friend Amy Rose, who Silver had met beforehand after she mistook him for Sonic, an understandable mistake that even the keenest of eyes would be forgiven for making.

The second time was also interrupted, this time by Shadow the Hedgehog. There's only room for one controversial non-blue male hedgehog in this franchise, sonny boy. Actually, his reasons were more benevolent than that: he wanted to show Silver the truth about what was going on, by time travelling to the incident that gave birth to Iblis. Why was one able to to this, so long as more than one Chaos Emerald was present? No one knew.

That was good enough for Silver.

“I challenge you to a dumb-off.”

As it turned out, Iblis was one half of a sun god called Solaris, the other half being the aforementioned Mephiles. The Duke of Soleanna wanted to reunite with his late wife by harnessing Solaris' power, which succeeded from a certain point of view since he's dead now too. The resulting blunder split Solaris into two halves. One half was all brawn, with little capacity for intelligence. The other half was Iblis.

Understanding the error of his ways, and after making peace with Sonic, Silver went back to the future to try something different, which consisted of doing the same thing he always did. Luckily for him, the script decided it would work this time, albeit at the cost of Blaze sacrificing herself... Maybe? Sort of? It’s not entirely clear what happened to her, and it’s not like this was the last we ever saw of her.

~La laaaaaa, la laaaaaa, la laaaaaa, heading to a better game, la laaaaaa~

But ohhhhh nooooo, turns out THAT didn't solve anything either! In the present, Sonic was killed by Mephiles, after the latter realised he should probably do that already if he wanted to make any progress at all with his plan. This incident led to Iblis being brought into the present, and they fused to become the omnipotent Solaris once more. Such power... such divinity... such devastation...

Actually, he was really easy. The antlion from Underground Zone was harder.

Manchild robots - 1, god of time - 0.

With their super forms in tow, Silver, Shadow, and the revived Sonic joined forces to defeat Solaris, with Sonic in particular going the extra step in retconning Solaris out of existence entirely. Since time itself reset, meaning Iblis was no longer a memory, Silver's timeline was given a second chance. What was he to look forward to in this new, promising future?

Shit.

The Design: Let's take a closer look at Silver's appearance, shall we?

Or rather, a certain thing that's wrong with it.

He's holding up fifteen fingers.

Yes, you all know what I'm pointing to: the hairstyle. Let it be known that I'm very aware of the intention behind this design choice. It's supposed to be based on the Japanese Red Maple Leaf, which holds a lot of relevant symbolism for Silver's character. This is a fine idea in theory, and I can respect the intent and the creativity.

But here's the thing: If it looks like a ganja leaf, people are going to say it looks like a ganja leaf. I know some fans will gnash their teeth at me saying this, but the fact of the matter is that intentions and ideas, no matter how good they may be on paper, don't always translate well into the final product. Unleashed Secret Rings Black Knight Sonic '06 in general is certainly no stranger to showcasing examples of that, and Silver's hairstyle is no exception. There are ways to incorporate symbolism in a character’s design without making them look like meme bait in the process, and no amount of “umm ackshually” will change that, I'm afraid.

That said, there's another reason why I'm staying clean of Silver marijuana: it doesn't work for a hedgehog character. With the other hedgehogs, their hairstyles are simple and get the point across: Sonic's goes without saying, Shadow's is more angular to befit a slightly rougher hero, and Amy's is a cute bob cut of sorts. But Silver? Even without the ganja, you've still got the two tentacles making up the back of his head.

I'd rather not be reminded of hentai quills, thanks.

“I thought Crusher-san would like it :’(”

I do find it hilarious that they went through numerous designs for Silver, and this was what they chose to go with. Some of his prototype designs may have fared better had any of them been used instead... but we didn't end up with any of those ones. We ended up with this one, therefore I'm judging this one.

But don’t worry, it’s not all bad with Silver...

The Personality: As far as actual character goes, Silver's personality is as straightfoward as most characters in the series, yet it's no less interesting, because it took a while for it to fully evolve to what it currently is. The seeds of his character - a good-natured yet awkward and rather insecure kind of guy, who doesn't fully understand how the present time works - have always been there, but it was often downplayed in earlier titles due to him being hungry for Iblis Trigger blood... or being an arsehole for no reason.

Although to be fair, everyone in Rivals is an arsehole for no reason.

Eventually though, after the writers gave him a Snickers, these traits got more opportunity to shine. Mostly in side media admittedly, but it's been noted in the games as well. With no Iblis to angst over, he's proven to be a surprisingly bubbly chap, who just wants to know how you're all doing, fellow anthro kids. And whereas his naivety was previously used for intended tragedy to benefit the evil plan of a guy who thought taking the -istoph- out of Mephistopheles would make him inconspicuous, now it's been used for a bunch of low-key contexts that do a much better job at endearing him to the player.

Finally, something I can relate to.

Hell, he even seems to have learned from the Mephiles incident, as he was quick to make it clear to the next shadowy deep-voiced anthro with demonic eyes he met that he wasn't gonna fall for any of them fibs no more, ya hear?

“YouTube and Twitter don’t count.”

All in all, it works well enough, in my opinion. His personality does pave the way for some funny and wholesome moments, and since they’re no longer trying to build him up like he’s Shadow 2.0, he's nowhere near as much of a tool as he was before. So I guess you could say... I like it?

Does this mean I can say that I like the character as a whole then, design and '06-induced idiocy aside?

Well, not quite...

The Execution: This is where the complication part comes into play. We know now that I like his personality, not so much his design, but that's only the half of it. It would be more accurate to say that I like his personality... and dislike everything else.

Aside from that, obviously.

For starters, the creation process for his character and story was summed up with, in their own words, “Think Trunks from Dragon Ball Z”. So he comes off as rather lazy and uninspired. Now I'm not expecting my Sonic characters to be 100% unique, there's always going to be similarities to other franchises no matter what you do, even if subconsciously or by complete coincidence. Taking inspiration in itself is no big deal at all.

But... was that it? Copying a DBZ character to such a blatant extent? Was there no other thought put into it?

Naturally, this ties into an overarching problem: the franchise's mid-00's habit of trying way too hard to be the anthro Dragon Ball Z. Sonic has had DBZ influences since the early days, with the Chaos Emeralds and Super Sonic, but it didn't assimilate itself into every waking aspect of his universe. It was merely an additional flavor that added to the complete package, in the same way that a Death Star with a moustache didn't mean the franchise was suddenly Star Wars the Hedgehog.

But come the turn of the millenium, nearly every main title in the series ended with Super Sonic and/or Super Shadow saving the day, while everyone else either stood around being useless, or only helping in ways that no one actually cares about. Including the in-universe President apparently, since only Sonic and Shadow were featured in the photo on his desk.

Amy smiled. “I guess the rest of us can go fuck ourselves, huh?”

This reached its peak with - of course - Sonic '06, with Silver in particular being an obvious result of this then-ongoing trend. And yes, it would be unfair to use him as a scapegoat, considering it was already a problem long before he turned up. But moreso than even Shadow, it's an era that Silver is forever a relic of, for better or for worse.

But it doesn't stop there. Since Silver is considered a mainstay character, his gimmick of being from the future also creates problems of its own, because in order for him to make further appearances, he keeps turning up for little explained reason, and thus he suffers the Deadly Six problem of being shoved into places where he doesn't belong, for fanservice's own sake. Take Sonic Colours DS for example, where he went back in time JUST to check out Eggman's theme park... Okay...?

On one hand, I’d visit it too, since it's made by Eggman. On the other hand, I’d stay clear of it, since it's made by Eggman.

And when there IS a justification with more weight to it? It's just recycling the '06 routine of trying to avert his ruined future, which isn't much better. The cause may differ depending on the story, but if his future is a permanent shitehole for one reason or another, he might as well cut out the middle man and stay in the present altogether, since that's where his friends are anyway. But they seem intent on not doing that, despite the future schtick being a noose around his neck at this point.

In hindsight, maybe this was a hint to how the rest of the arc would turn out.

And then there's his dynamic with a certain purple cat... No, not Big. The other one.

“I’m here, by the way.”

Simply put: I don't like this dynamic. At all. Or rather, I don't like how they keep milking it. Blaze's backstory was radically changed to justify her presence in Silver's future, and it really shows, since she barely even shows up half the time, as if the developers themselves forgot she was in the game. But her backstory has since been restored to her original alternate dimension interpretation, so hanging around with the grey hedgehog is all good now, right?

To be brutally honest, I probably wouldn't care for this dynamic regardless. But I would be more willing to tolerate it, and I'd refrain from groaning every time they're seen together... if they weren't intent on playing it up so much in spite of '06 being wiped out, sometimes with a bit of commentary involving their thoughts and memories, which only succeeds at making things more confusing. If Blaze is around, Silver will be nearby, and if he's not at first, he will be soon enough. This franchise does have a problem in general with restricting who's allowed to interact with who (I personally believe Sonic Heroes may have led to this, or at least it accelerated it), but I'd argue it's at its most insufferable here, with Blaze's potential and her entire world taking a backseat to being the sidekick of Ganja Man.

And you might say “Well, it's part of the franchise now, so you'll just have to accept it”. To which I ask: Have you accepted Two Worlds? Have you accepted Solo Sonica? Have you accepted Sonic's friends not doing much as of late?

Yeah. That's what I thought. “It’s just how it is” doesn’t mean you can’t criticise it.

Meanwhile, Marine is lucky enough to get so much as a shout out.

So yeah, I have quite an extensive list of grievances involving poor Silver. But... very little of it has to do with him, right? They're all indirect problems that he just so happens to be linked to, as opposed to someone like Chris Thorndyke, who is genuinely a shit character through and through. This is more comparable to Tails being bitchy in Lost World, or Amy being manipulative in Chronicles, or Sonic being a smug dumbass in IDW, or Shadow not wearing a Hawaiian shirt in Boom. Frustrating, regrettable, but not really the character's own fault.

Yet even after all that, there's one last kick in the teeth... How do you fix all this? And how do you fix it when he's since gained a sizable fandom, many of whom like him for these very attributes? If you leave it as it is, you're stuck with this big, awkward mess that everyone pretends to ignore. If you try to do something about it, you'll get complaints about disrespecting the True Silver Spirit, and you’ll get questions about why you didn't create a new character instead... And if you did use a new character for the sake of a clean slate, THEN you'd get complaints about not using Silver.

It's a tough call to be sure, and it's such a shame because like I said, I do appreciate his personality, so I can't say he's bad outright. But with all this... clutter, I can only put him in the average category. So, in he goes.

Crusher Gives Silver a: Thumbs Sideways!

Well, I'm glad this one's out of the way. Putting my thoughts into words with Silver was harder than it should have been. I do slightly regret starting this series off on a rather downer note, but rest assured, it's a lot more positive from this point onwards, since while I have higher praise for some heroes more than others, the hero characters as a whole fare a lot better than the majority of villains not named Eggman.

I guess you could say that I hope to show why Sonic's friends aren't as shitty as the haters would suggest. ;)

#Sonic Heroes: Sweet or Shite?#Opinion #Sonic the Hedgehog #Silver the Hedgehog

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lassieposting · 4 years ago

Note

skulduggery/alt!serpine for the getting together ask game?

I’m bored, so. Send me two (or more) characters for a headcanon on how I’d have them get together

OHOHOHOHO SEE THIS IS A GOOD ONE BC

ive already been thinking about this and im. Lowkey really glad im not the only one

See I always hated skug with any serpine, like I was a passionate anti from 2007 - about three months ago but. I enjoyed their dynamic in phase one and then i read like three of their interactions from sow and got converted or some shit apparently idfk, anyway u know i love an angsty ship

this got really long so tldr; enemies to vitriolic hate-sex buddies to lovers, painfully slow burn, but they'll both die claiming they still hate each other

It begins with China.

She orders him to kill Serpine, and he refuses. He's not even 100% sure why when he does. It's not like they're friends. He's killed people he liked a good deal more than Nefarian Serpine under orders.

But she says, "kill him" and he says, "no", and then things spiral so quickly that it's actually a few days before he even has time to think about her parting shot, flung at him as he walked out on her: "if you want to keep him, you'll be the one looking after him. He's your responsibility, not mine. And if he hurts someone, you -"

He'd shut the door on her at that point, but he knows what she was going to say. You look after him yourself, you train him yourself, and if he hurts someone, you kill him yourself. A wonderfully old-world way of looking at things. He's fairly sure he remembers getting the same speech from the housekeeper when he tried to bring home the ugliest feral tomcat he'd ever seen as a small boy.

(This will come back to bite him. He's not sure how or when, but it will. That's the way of things, whenever he turns his back on China Sorrows. Her last parting shot - a classic "you'll regret this" - ended up getting him killed.)

But then there's Mevolent, and cleaning up a city in the aftermath of its latest Traumatic Event, and putting a size 10 to the backsides of the City Guard, so his priorities get reshuffled somewhat, and it's almost a week later that he thinks to ask, "Heard from Serpine lately? He's being oddly quiet."

Valkyrie blinks at him from the passenger seat. Her fingertips tap tap tap at the touchscreen. She's messaging someone. He doesn't know who. "He's...around."

"Why the pause?"

"Hm?"

"You paused," he points out, switching lanes to get around a hatchback dawdling along at 60. "He's...around. You're trying to hide something from me. I'm aware you still talk to him, you know."

She doesn't deny it. He's gotten used to that, in the last few years. She doesn't tell him things anymore. It's that distance, the distance he can try to banter over but never truly remove. She's a lot further away than his passenger seat. "He's been looking for somewhere to live, like. Now that he's here for good. So, you know. That's probably keeping him busy."

Nefarian Serpine is living out of a stuffy first-floor rented room above, of all things, Vaurien Scapegrace's pub.

He knows this not because China was having Serpine followed (although she was) or because plenty of old faces from the Sanctuary still owe him favours (although they do), but because he receives a text from Scapegrace at a quarter to midnight, in the middle of a grisly murder scene.

have u beaten anyone up lately? do u want to? think thrasher just rented one of our rooms to a war criminal

He taps out a response, half-focused on the screen and half on Valkyrie examining the photos on the dead man's mantelpiece. She looks like she's just figured something out.

Which one? Thrasher, or the other guy?

By the time he's dropped her home, said hello to the furball and returned to the city, morning is bleeding into the sky. He knocks sharply on Nefarian Serpine's peeling rented door, and then again when there's no response.

From inside, a thud.

Then another, followed by some deeply impolite language, and then the door jerks open. Serpine, wearing an impressive bedhead, a scraggly attempt at a beard and a pair of patterned socks with a hole in the toe, squints out into the hall and snaps, "D'you have ANY IDEA what time it is? This place is supposed to - ah, shite. It's you."

"It is," he agrees.

Serpine gives him a sulky jerk of the head - an invitation - and vanishes back inside. He follows, closing the door gently behind him. Inside the room is dark and depressing and smells faintly of mildew and sweat. There are clothes on the floor.

He pulls the curtains open and looks out the window, giving Serpine some privacy to get dressed.

"Found me at last, have you?" Serpine asks from over by the bed. There's a rustle of fabric and the sound of a belt being done up. "What do you want? Come to take my other hand?"

That's it. That's what's different. "Other? You don't seem to be missing any at present, Nefarian. Valkyrie's work, I take it."

Serpine sits down on the bed with a squeak of springs, and when Skulduggery turns to face him, he's smirking and, thankfully, wearing trousers. "Ever so nice of her, wasn't it? Doesn't work like the old one, though. You know. The one I used on you."

He sighs. "And here I thought this last week would've given you time to come up with some new material."

Serpine shrugs and spends a moment picking out a pair of shirts from the wardrobe beside the bed. If it's a test, it's a painfully obvious one. Almost an invitation. Go ahead, shoot me.

No, this is something Skulduggery knows far more intimately. A display of brittle confidence in the face of a threat. I'm not afraid of you. Do your worst.

Serpine is afraid of him. Afraid of being arrested, maybe, or killed, or worse. He'd have relished that fear, once. Delighted in flipping the tables.

He leans back against the desk, ankles crossed and arms folded. After a moment, Serpine turns around with a shirt on a hanger in each hand. He holds them up for an opinion.

Skulduggery points wordlessly at the green one, and the blue goes back in the closet. "If you're not here to kill me, what do you want?"

While Serpine is doing up his buttons, Skulduggery retrieves the folded sheaf of paper from the inside pocket of his long coat, and holds it up. "I came to drop these off."

Serpine's vibrant eyes narrow. "What is that? An arrest warrant?"

"A list of landlords in Roarhaven willing to rent to refugees. Valkyrie mentioned you were looking."

Serpine blinks at him. Skulduggery doesn't often bother with the facade in Roarhaven, but if he had a face right now, he'd be blinking back. It's a weirdly awkward moment.

"...thanks," Serpine says after a moment, tentatively reaching for the papers; Skulduggery leans forward to pass them over. "That'd be...helpful."

He sounds very uncomfortable saying those words. When Skulduggery responds, "You're welcome," he feels much the same.

Serpine unfolds the papers and skims them. Three pages of property listings. Tipstaff had printed them off for him with only a raised eyebrow and a, "Never thought you'd move out of Dublin, Detective."

"What brought this on?"

He looks up. "Hm?"

"You show up here at an ungodly hour of the morning, nobody to rein you in, and you're being helpful? I don't buy it. I know China as well as you do. She told you to kill me, didn't she?"

"She did," Skulduggery acknowledges, and a very old, very spiky part of him gets a kick out of watching the blood drain from Serpine's face. "I told her no."

"Bollocks."

"Hard to believe, isn't it? But it's true. Ah, don't look at me like that, Nefarian. It's got nothing to do with you. I was just feeling argumentative that day. And, if nothing else, I can always rely on China to argue with me if I tell her no."

"So -"

"For my sins, she made you my responsibility, see. I'm supposed to keep an eye on you, make sure you don't get up to any of your old tricks. And if you do, then I'll kill you. I'll be checking in on you to make sure you're behaving yourself. Think of me as a...probation officer, of sorts. With benefits."

More blinking. This version of Serpine is not a morning person. He bets his alternate self got to sleep in far later in this Serpine's dungeon. "I'm not seeing any benefits."

"The benefit is I get to kill you if you step out of line. I never said the benefits were for you."

"Are there any benefits in this for me?"

He considers this for a moment. "You get to live. Because of me. I saved your life. "

Serpine's face is emotionless and his voice is flat.

"Oh," he says. "Yippee."

He's interviewing a witness when his phone rings.

He politely excuses himself, and steps out into the hallway to answer it. "Pleasant."

"Hello!" Serpine says brightly, and launches immediately into, "I want a car."

Skulduggery's fake face blinks at the sigil-embossed wallpaper. It takes a second to even register the voice, and another to pick up on -

"How the -? Who gave you this number?"

"Valkyrie." Serpine sounds completely unapologetic. "And you're supposed to be teaching me to drive."

Serpine can't see his head tilt. He does it anyway. "Am I now? And what gave you that idea?"

"I'm your problem now, remember? Besides, you agreed to it," is the smug answer. "Before our little holiday back to my dimension, I said I wanted a better house and a latte and a car. And driving lessons."

"I never agreed to that."

"Well, you didn't say no. That's agreement by default. Sorry."

"Plenty of people can teach you to drive, Nefarian. You could teach yourself, even. Watch a video on Youtube."

"Detective Pleasant, I am shocked," Serpine teases, suddenly dripping with insincere concern. "Think of all those poor defenceless mortals I could run into. There's an advert on the television about how you're specifically not supposed to hit them with cars. It kills them, apparently. How will I cope without you there to make sure I resist temptation?"

Skulduggery grinds his teeth. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Immensely. I'd completely forgotten how much fun it is to have you at my mercy. And you did say you're supposed to keep an eye on me."

Skulduggery goes quiet for a moment, focusing on reining in the urge to hit something. Serpine's face. He wants to hit Serpine's face. With a chair. Trust him to figure out that being Skulduggery's responsibility meant he could go to him for help.

"Fine."

"Excellent! And now you have my number, so you can let me know when you're free."

"Since when do you have a mobile?"

"Since today," Serpine says airily. "Tanith helped me pick one out. I can talk to anyone, anywhere, whenever I like now. Isn't that great? I mean, I only have two numbers, three now that Valkyrie's given me yours, but still. Now I'll always have someone to talk to."

"This is a work line. It is not for social calls."

A passing sorcerer startles a little at his tone, and he gives her an apologetic smile. As an afterthought, he rolls his eyes in a you know how it is gesture. But she's already walking away, so really he just rolls his eyes at her back, which is probably rude of him.

Serpine is still talking. "- can send little moving pictures, and I've downloaded all these little applications, so now I do all sorts of fun things. Do you use...whatsit...Snapchat? I have Snapchat now. And I've got Angry Birds and Candy Crush and Grindr."

And that? That right there? That is more than he ever needed to know about Serpine.

"Goodbye, Nefarian," he says firmly, and hangs up.

He checks in on Serpine once a week, officially. Unofficially, he clocks more hours than he'd like to admit parked in an alley outside Scapegrace's pub, waiting for someone to scream bloody murder. Serpine spots him a couple of times, gives him a jaunty wave with his newly-regrown hand on his way to the off-licence, mocking and unconcerned.

But nobody gets murdered. Serpine seems to be...behaving. For now.

"I've volunteered you for move-in duty," Valkyrie says, apropos of nothing. When he blinks at her, she shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee. "Serpine's found a flat. He needs some furniture shifting."

He's not going to throw anything at his partner in this busy mortal cafe. He's not.

"I see. And you thought that has anything to do with me because..."

She polishes off the last dregs of her drink with a slurp. "I can't float stuff up stairs."

The apartment Serpine is moving into is a decent two-bedroom on the fourth floor of a six-floor block in a quiet area with a history of minimal unexpected-demolitions-by-overpowered-supervillain. Skulduggery idly wonders, as he pulls up in the parking area behind the building, whether a mass murderer moving in - and the frequent visits by the other mass murderer charged with keeping an eye on him - will bring down housing prices. China will hate that, when she wakes up.

Serpine is waiting for him out front, surrounded by boxes and furniture, already looking a bit frazzled. His outfit is stylish and his slicked-back hair is sticking up in places where he's been running his hands though it. He startles and looks up at the sound of footsteps, and seems to breathe a sigh of relief. "Ah! You came. Valkyrie said you'd know how to go about getting all this, you know. Up there."

"You can hire people for this, you know," Skulduggery tells him. "Removal men."

"With what money?" Serpine asks, a little helplessly. "Valkyrie gave me some of her old things, but I got most of this from - what's the word? - second hand shops, and the refugee aid centre. I've been looking for work, but...you know." He gestures at his face. "This is my criminal record."

Which...is a fair point, so Skulduggery rolls up his sleeves and moves to one end of a squashed two-seater couch. "Fair enough. Grab the other end."

Serpine's mouth almost drops open. "You want to carry it? Like peasants? I thought you were here to float the damn thing!"

Well, he could. But the world isn't actively ending right now, so he can afford to be petty. "I don't use magic unless I have to, these days. We'll be doing this the old-fashioned way."

"But." The last time he saw someone look this aghast was when Valkyrie realised how the citizens of Roarhaven saw her. "But that's manual labour!"

"A little manual labour will do you good."

"Gods, I hate you," Serpine tells him as he moves to grab the other end of the couch.

Skulduggery turns the facade on specifically to give him a smug smirk. "I know."

By the time they're finishing up the boxes, Serpine's new neighbours have come out into the hall to see what all the banging is about. They seem young, mostly - too young to recognise him from the war. Skulduggery is starting to suspect that Serpine has accidentally moved into student housing, but he keeps his mouth shut. Serpine is being chatty and charming, holding court in the corridor, and Skulduggery mostly lets him get on with it in between trips to the bottom of the stairs to pick up more boxes, until a young woman who holds Serpine's front door open for him and chuckles, "Left you doing all the work, has he? He's a talker, your boyfriend. I bet you don't get a word in edgewise."

It's not often that Skulduggery Pleasant is lost for words. "I. I'm sorry. What?"

Fortunately, Serpine chooses that moment to interrupt the conversation he's having and interject, "Oh, no, darling. We're not together. He's just here to make sure I stay out of trouble."

There's something off about how he says it, though. There must be, because the woman taps her nose like he's just confided a secret, and Skulduggery can't help but feel like he's just been made the butt of a joke he doesn't fully understand.

He checks on Serpine once a week. Occasionally Serpine texts him. A blurry photo, usually paired with a caption like, "what the hell is this?"; a set of traffic lights, or a lollipop man, or a chihuahua in a little jumper. Sometimes he responds, but sometimes he doesn't bother.

It's not like they're friends.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Roarhaven's shopping district is bustling, and Nefarian Serpine is late.

Skulduggery's been people-watching, drumming his fingers on the tabletop, for fifteen minutes when he finally shows up with a to-go coffee cup in one hand and a stack of books under the other arm. He's frowning.

"You're late," says Skulduggery, by way of greeting.

Serpine shrugs, taking the seat opposite. He dumps his books on the round table and gives the menu a cursory glance. "Sorry. I was at the library. Almost missed the bus."

A waitress approaches wearing a shirt stamped with the logo of the little bistro they're sat outside, and while Serpine orders lunch, Skulduggery idly examines the titles stamped along the spines of his book mountain. Some of them look old, leather bound tomes with fancy gold lettering, and the rest seem to be...textbooks, of all things.

"A little light reading, Nefarian?"

"Huh?" Serpine - busy watching the waitress walk back inside - swivels round to face him, and shrugs. "Oh. Yeah. I want to see if they match up with the slanderous shite they're teaching at the university."

"Excuse me?"

Serpine shrugs. "Vapid and Ty - you know Ty, weird hair, lives next door - thought it might help me adapt if I learn more about how your world is different to mine, so. I've been sitting in on some classes. Unofficially. History. Mortal Relations. That kind of thing. You have battles here that never happened back home, you know."

Skulduggery folds his arms across his chest and leans back in his chair, amused despite himself. "Mortal Relations? You're going to Mortal Relations lectures. You."

"Shut up," says Serpine, pointing a finger at him. "You don't get to laugh. You're not the one nobody wants to hire. - because that's still a problem, by the way. Aren't you supposed to be helping me with that?"

"I'm supposed to be making sure you don't kill anyone or make a nuisance of yourself. Sorry to disappoint."

"Would it kill you to write me a character reference?"

Skulduggery coughs conspicuously into his gloved hand with the throat he doesn't have. He picks up the top book from Serpine's stack and flips idly through Religion & Warfare: The Rise Of The Church Of The Faceless In The 15th Century . "Think about that one for a minute, Nefarian, and you'll remember why it's not happening."

"Fine. Be like that." Serpine's shoe nudges his leg under the table. "Here, were you at the Battle of Black Rock?"

He has to think about that one for a second, then hums in the negative. "Hm. No. I missed that one. I think that was when I was holed up in Cork with a broken leg. Why?"

"History 201," Serpine muses. "I tagged along this morning. It was mostly about that fight, but it never happened in my dimension. It was borderline slanderous, honestly. The professor is an imbecile."

"You're dying to vent, aren't you?"

"Would you mind terribly?"

Skulduggery pulls his ornate pocket watch from his waistcoat pocket and checks the time. "You've got fifteen minutes. Better talk fast."

Time goes by.

He checks on Nefarian once a week. They have coffee, sometimes. Valkyrie knows not to cross the line of bringing Serpine to Skulduggery's home, but she adds them both to a group chat and neither one leaves.

Nefarian wrecks his first car, and Skulduggery makes the drive out from Dublin at 5.45am to rescue him. He calls the tow truck while Serpine sits, pale and shaken, in the Bentley's front seat, drenched from the rain and squelching miserably every time he moves.

He apologises for calling so early, and for once he sounds like he means it.

Skulduggery takes him through the McDonalds drive thru to cheer him up, and as Nefarian tucks into a box of fries with gusto, he thinks, oh no.

They're not friends. They're not.

"Is this a date?"

Skulduggery tilts his head, hand stilling over the car keys. "I'm sorry?"

Valkyrie tosses another piece of popcorn into her mouth. She's already in her pyjamas, fluffy ones with dogs on them, and she's flicking through the Netflix queue. "You're all dressed up. Is this a date? Have you two finally gotten over yourselves? God knows it's been long enough."

He snatches up the car keys and sniffs, disdainful. "After all these decades, Valkyrie, if that's what your expert detective skills are telling you, I have failed as a mentor."

"And now you're getting defensive."

"I'm doing no such thing. Where's Tanith, by the way?"

She laughs and does double fingerguns at him. "And that's deflection!"

He sighs - dramatically, for her benefit - and as he checks his pocket watch, she continues, "And, she's on her way. Get out, already. You have a date to keep and we have movies to watch."

"It's not a bloody date," he complains, patting his pockets to make sure he's got everything. "And I originally asked you."

"Yeah, but opera's boring. Here, is he meeting you there or are you picking him up?"

"Goodbye, Valkyrie."

"See?!" She shouts after him as he shuts the front door. "Date!"

#skulduggery pleasant #remember when my shame post of shame was mere valdug? nope u get this now #thats right yall #i got WORSE #goodnight ✌🏻#there were gonna be more scenes in this believe it or not it just got SO FUCKING LONG #skulpine #which is not a ship tag i ever thought id be using rip

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lady-divine-writes · 4 years ago

Text

Good Omens - “Risks and Consequences” (Rated PG13)

Summary: Crowley surprises Aziraphale with a surprise skating excursion on Christmas night during a suspicious snowstorm. (1436 words)

Read on AO3.

“You do enjoy shoving me headfirst out of my comfort zones. Don’t you, my dear?” Aziraphale asks, warily watching his husband strap a stiff black boot to his foot.

“Poppycock,” Crowley grumbles, struggling to unknot long laces he accidentally macramed while attempting to navigate the rows of eyelets and hooks. “Consider this an adventure.”

“This is certifiable! You do know that?”

“How? You’re an angel! What on Earth could happen to you?”

“A great many things, I imagine,” Aziraphale replies. It’s a thin response. Crowley can tell Aziraphale has a thought, a vivid one, of something plausible.

Something that has him concerned.

Crowley stops messing with the skate and looks into Aziraphale’s face. Aziraphale's gaze ducks and dodges, bouncing from his hands to his knees to other random things inside the confines of Crowley’s Bentley. But Aziraphale can’t avoid Crowley’s gaze, nor Crowley himself, for too long. “Sometimes, I feel as if, one of these days, I’m going to snap my fingers, and nothing will happen. Heaven will have found a way to make me mortal or …”

“Or abandoned you altogether?”

Aziraphale nods sadly. “Yes.”

“I get those thoughts, too, sometimes,” Crowley admits, going back to fixing his angel’s skate. “Too often, really. Which probably explains why you use your magic so rarely, and I use mine all the time.”

“You’re always double-checking."

“And you’d rather not know.”

“Losing my powers wouldn’t be the worst part. Inconvenient, yes, but not terrible. Abandoned by Heaven …” Aziraphale's words drift off, but their meaning lingers, clinging to Crowley's heart and building like the snow outside their windows.

Crowley winks at his husband, trying to get him to smile, to laugh, to roll his eyes and groan Oh Lord! “It’s not so bad ..."

“... once you get used to it. So you keep telling me,” Aziraphale teases, gifting his husband with the tiniest of grins, gone all too swiftly. “Are you truly afraid of being abandoned by Hell?”

"Ngk ..." Crowley’s shoulders bounce a shrug back and forth as he thinks over his answer “... nah. Not really. They've already tried to exterminate me once, haven't they? It’s the consequences that come with it that would really suck: being mortal, having no powers, growing old …” Crowley’s eyes meet Aziraphale’s - melancholy blue eyes exposing those same fears, a subject his angel hasn’t felt comfortable bringing up before tonight. He still doesn’t seem comfortable with it, tight-lipped as an oyster. “But let’s not talk about that now,” Crowley suggests. “Tonight is for having ridiculous amounts of fun. Stirring up a little mayhem.”

“We’re going to get into trouble,” Aziraphale laments. “With the humans, I mean.”

“Nonsense. They'll never even know we were here."

“There are security cameras everywhere!”

“When was the last time you got caught doing anything on CCTV? It would be all over the Internet if you had! I'll fix it. You'll see.”

“By wasting another miracle? Or do you have a small army of rodents positioned on light poles, waiting to do your bidding?”

“Besides,” Crowley continues, overlooking the jab at what was one of his more masterfully executed, if not elaborate, schemes, “I’m not sure this is actually illegal. As long as we abide by all traffic laws and posted speed limits.”

“Where did you even get this idea?”

“From YouTube. The youths do it - barrel down frozen roads wearing bicycle helmets and hockey skates.”

"You're getting your evil ideas from children?" Aziraphale tuts. “Aren’t you supposed to be the bad influence? Not the other way around?”

“No shame in finding inspiration outside your own head.”

“Yes, well, I hope you skate better than you drive.”

“Oi! I am an excellent driver!”

“I know two rabbits and a squirrel who might disagree with you.”

“That wasn’t my fault! You’d think they’d know to get the Hell outta the way of a moving vehicle!”

“Speaking of which, we’re going to get hit by a car.”

“What car?” Crowley stops fiddling with Aziraphale’s skate to wipe down a fogged window and take a look around. Beneath the glow of the street lamps, he sees nothing but snow - a veil of flakes wafting down from the sky, pushed into swirls by the frigid wind. “No one’s out here! It’s three in the bloody morning after one of the worst storms London has had in years! You’d have to be insane to be outside!”

“My thoughts exactly,” Aziraphale mutters. “Bit early for a storm like this though, isn’t it?”

“Uh … maybe,” Crowley says, abruptly returning to his task.

“London isn’t due for snow until January.”

“Is that so? Strange.”

Aziraphale's brow furrows as he watches his husband focus intensely on basically nothing. “Crowley …”

“Wot?”

“Are you responsible for this?”

"Wot would make you think that?"

"Crowley. Look at me."

Crowley's head slowly lifts, eyes aimed everywhere but Aziraphale's face. At one point, he even closes them, assuming that, behind his dark lenses, Aziraphale won't notice.

But Aziraphale does notice. Even if Crowley were speaking to him from a completely different room, Aziraphale would notice.

Because, for a demon, Crowley happens to be an atrocious liar.

“It’s Christmas night!" Crowley pleads, unable to hold back any longer. "The perfect time for a lock-yourself-indoors-and-get-sloshed sort of snowstorm, a'right?"

“So why are we not inside getting sloshed then?”

“Because this is something I’ve wanted to do for a while! And I was gettin' tired of waiting for Mother Nature to accommodate. Plus, with climate change and global warming, nothing's guaranteed, is it?” Crowley moves on from Aziraphale's right foot and begins sliding his reluctant left foot into its skate. “Live a little!”

“I aim to live a lot, which specifically requires avoiding activities such as this." Aziraphale pauses his complaining to watch Crowley work, beyond curious what was going on inside his husband's demonic mind when he hatched this plan. "So," he says, working through the mystery out loud, "you conjured up a snowstorm, froze the streets, are in the process of strapping these awful contraptions to my feet ... would you like to tell me why?”

"Do I have to?"

"It would be nice."

"I'm a demon. I'm not nice."

"Crowley ..."

“Alright! It's because I wanted us to be together like this."

"Like what?"

Crowley sighs. "Like humans. And do the stupidly wonderful things humans do when they’re in love: take moonlit strolls, hold hands, kiss in the rain, all that sappy shite. Humans go skating at Christmas! It's, like, number three on their list of Yuletide activities. It's almost a requirement! Even if they can't stand steady in regular shoes, they go skating. And they cling to one another, and they laugh, and they kiss, and I … I didn't want to take the chance that if I waited, I might miss ..."

Nothing's guaranteed, Aziraphale thinks as he watches Crowley sink in on himself, head bowed over Aziraphale's feet, curling as if he wants to disappear. And Aziraphale begins to understand.

Crowley has been a ball of anxious energy for as long as Aziraphale can remember. Aziraphale doesn't blame him. Crowley has been tiptoeing through minefields since the beginning - making innocent mistakes and paying huge prices for them. As supernatural entities, it's easy to get lulled into the false sense of security that nothing bad can happen to you.

But that's not true.

Not at all true.

Because even a demon and an angel with magical powers aren't anywhere near the top of the food chain.

Crowley destroying Ligur with Holy Water proved that.

So did his belief that Aziraphale had been extinguished by Hellfire.

The fact that he hadn't been didn't prove Crowley wrong.

Hellfire would most definitely annihilate his angel from the face of the planet.

Crowley and Aziraphale helped save Earth for humanity, but every day, the humans work harder and harder towards their own destruction.

Nothing's guaranteed.

Not for anyone.

"If you don’t want to go skating, that’s fine. I know it’s risky. Probably the last way in the world you’d want to discorporate."

"I can think of worse ways," Aziraphale says with a chuckle.

"We can go back to your bookshop, make hot cocoa, listen to your gramophone or ... or something.”

“The biggest risk I’ve taken is sitting right here with me. And that’s worked out so far. For 6000 years, as a matter of fact. I don’t mind taking another one. Just … try not to let me fall.”

“Just hold on tight.” Crowley scoots down the bench towards his husband and wraps his arms around him. “I promise I won’t let you fall.”

#good omens #good omens fanfiction #ineffable husbands #aziraphale #Crowley #crowley x aziraphale #aziraphale x crowley

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frywen-bumbles · 4 years ago

Text

The Way to a Man’s Heart Goes Through His... Cat? Ch5

AO3

Days later Jaskier is still thoroughly embarrassed by accidentally calling Geralt while drunk. He is sure he had picked Essi's number but what is done is done. They haven't talked much after that. The next day Geralt inquired after Roach but since then it's been radio silence and it does not bother Jaskier at all. Geralt must just be busy, that's all. No other reason what so ever.

<that's good. daddy said i shouldn't lie to him any more but he wouldn't like if i told someone mom yelled at him>

<yeah, it's bad to lie to your parents> <but maybe little secrets like this are okay> <no more texting anyone without permission though!>

<yeah, i'm sorry I lied mrJ> <hows the trip going now? i hope you don't have to be alone today like yesterday>

<no, today i got to help uncle A with a new video!> <uncle A came here yesterday and he and uncle L were being gross> <they make the best videos> <but daddy is better than them> <daddy is the best> <even grandpa says so but he told me not to tell uncle L because he would get upset>

<that's very sensible off him>

There's a link to a youtube video Jaskier clicks open without much thought. Except when he sees the channel he has to check to make sure he got it right. He knows this channel, he has watched almost every single video, including the one Fiona just sent him.

Camera zooms into a ginger headed man holding a sword, knee-deep in what looks like a natural pond.

"Oi, did you see it?" the cameraman asks laughing so hard the camera shakes

"Of course, not, you bastard! You were holding me down while it swam past!"

"Do you know what it is?"

"Fucking drowners I bet." the ginger man grumbles and lets out a yell as a blue-skinned monster leaps out of water. "Oi, fuck you, put that camera down and come help me!"

"Eh, you're doing fine! Show me that arse!" the cameraman laughs and the camera shakes.

"Fucking bitch ass cat!"

"I love you too!"

The camera moves to reveal a second blue-skinned monster closer, close enough to reach the camera.

"Oi, cub, catch!"

The camera flies in the air and for a while nothing but sky and leaves are visible. The camera turns back to show the cameraman killing the monster with a sword, a spray of blood flying in the air.

"Still struggling there, love?"

"I killed four while you were a prick killing only one! I'm not cooking for you tonight!"

"Oh, I'm wounded, how will I survive without the love of my life cooking for me?"

The ginger man gives the giggling cameraman the finger, a smile tugging at his lips.

Jaskier doesn't even glance at the comment section where the evergoing debate about the videos is going strong. In Jaskier's opinion it's stupid, no real witcher would post videos like this of their work. It's just two guys having too much time and energy in their hands making the videos look as realistic as possible, probably a combination of CGI and practical effects.

He has to admit, he is slightly hooked. Kittencam69 has been making these videos for a couple of years and while this is no way his favourite video, it's clear it was important to Fiona to be a part of making it.

His favourite videos are probably the ones where the ginger man yells from his window at werewolves. Or the one where they fight a wyvern, the effects of that one were truly gorgeous.

Why would someone spend their talent on something like this is beyond him, but who is he to judge? He still can't believe how anyone thinks the monsters in the videos are real though. He's far more interested if the two men are really dating or if that's just their way of talking to each other. He's 95% certain they are dating.

A text from Yen interrupts his thoughts.

<I'll drop it in an hour>

<oh, thank you, that's very kind of you>

This time around, when Yen comes, Jaskier is wearing trousers.

"Here's your book," Yen greets him and tosses an old book on the kitchen table hard enough Jaskier has to leap to grab it before it slides off the table and drops on Roach who is of course right there.

"Hello, nice to see you, why won't you come in and have some tea?" Jaskier says with a mocking voice and bows, pulling a chair out for her.

"I see you haven't set the house on fire," Yen says as she sits down.

"Please, I'm not that terrible of a cook!" Jaskier exclaims as he puts the kettle on.

"Right, you were eating nothing but instant ramen last time I was here."

"That!" Jaskier points at Yen in mock outrage, "was one day! One unfortunate day I was a mess and you think I live like that?!"

"Of course, I'm never wrong." Yen smiles sharp and Jaskier can't help the cold shivers running down his back.

"You're terrible, that's what you are..." he mumbles as he digs out mugs from the cabinet. "So what this book then?" Jaskier takes the book he'd put the cover down on the table and almost drops it. 'Fifty Years of Poetry' stares at him from the cover of the book.

"Oh, just something I had lying around, you know," Yen drawls in what Jaskier is quite certain is mock indifference. He squints his eyes at her in suspicion.

"So you're telling me you had one of the most sought after books in the academic world just 'lying around' and decided to give it to some random uni student?"

"Please, don't think I'm doing this for you." Yen waves him off, "You're an idiot."

"Why, thank you for the compliment, ma'am." Jaskier bows again. "Do you want the pink or the white mug?"

They settle down on the table, cups of tea and some biscuits Jaskier got after last time Yen visited.

"I- ah- had some questions about Geralt." Jaskier admits shyly as he puts the 'Fifty Years of Poetry' safe away from the table. He wouldn't want to ruin a book that valuable by accidentally spilling something on it.

"Hm, what did he do?"

"Oh, no nothing! It's nothing like that. I was just- maybe if you could- you don't have to of course-"

"Just spit it out, Julian," Yen interrupts him, sounding both put-out and bored, a feat Jaskier can only hope to master.

"Maybeyouwouldknowifhe'sseeinganyoneorsomething..." Jaskier manages to mumble out, which makes Yen burst out laughing.

"Oh, gods, I thought this was something serious, you had me for a moment there." Yen falls into a fit of giggles Jaskier is sure is aimed at him. Or perhaps at the thought of Geralt seeing anyone but the way Yen thrills at his discomfort tells him it's the former.

Of course, the hot cat dad is not single, who is he even kidding. He should probably just think about the book he got. And his thesis. And definitely, not the hot cat dad whose bed he's been sleeping in for the past month.

He is doomed.

***

It's high time to do something about the vegetable garden.

Or literally anything to avoid his thesis, if Jaskier is completely honest with himself.

Roach is chasing something in the bushes and Jaskier is happier not knowing what unfortunate small animal will face its maker. He stares at the vegetable garden which at this point seems to be about 50-50 vegetables and weeds. At least the plants are alive.

"I should have done this several times already, right, Roachie?" Jaskier asks the cat who emerges from the bushes covered in leaves and dirt. She gives him a wide berth and digs a hole at the other end of the patch.

"I swear to gods, Roach, if I find cat poop when I'm weeding this thing you will not get out for a week, do you hear me?"

Roach does not listen to him. Of course, she doesn't. She covers the hole she made and runs back into the bushes.

"That's disgusting, Roach. You have a perfectly fine litter box inside why would you do that to me?"

Roach doesn't answer. In fact, Jaskier is quite certain she's not listening to him at all, far more interested in whatever is the bushes.

A large lock on the door of the shed stops his gardening endeavours quite efficiently. He tries in vain to find the key somewhere close by but has to give up after a while.

"Okay, so if I were a key where would I be?" Jaskier rummages through the kitchen and the living room, only finding a stash of cat toys under the sofa.

"Oi, what are you so happy about? I know it was you who hid them there!" Jaskier cries at Roach who jumps in the middle of the pile startling him.

His search leads him into the study, Roach hot on his heels. She jumps on top of the bookshelf and Jaskier finds himself marvelling yet again how effortless Roach makes the almost two and a half metre jump look like.

"Hey, Roachie, came in to check what I'm up to?" Jaskier asks as he tries to open the top drawer of the desk. "Aaah, shite, why I never remember which side is locked..." he mumbles as he moves to the other end of the massive desk and opens the top drawer on that side.

All he finds is stationary in an amazing array of boring and practical to colourful and silly. He suspects the likes of the pink glitter pens with pompoms at the top are the results of Fiona getting to decide what to get.

He moves to the bookshelf next, more out of boredom than any real thought about finding the key. The books all look incredibly boring, ranging from computer science to physics and the sort. Nothing that would catch Jaskier's eye.

He takes one book out in random and opens it to leaf it through if to do nothing else at least he gets to avoid writing his thesis. But what greets him in the pages makes him almost drop the book entirely.

Monsters.

Pages after pages about monsters. Detailed drawings, stories, myths, facts. Anything in between.

Jaskier feels his fingers turn numb from the sheer shock. He looks at the bookshelf again and pulls another book, then another and another.

Monsters. Potions. Magic. Elder races. It's all there. Jaskier can't even comprehend the sheer volume of knowledge that has been at his grasp for over a month without him knowing anything about it and it makes his head spin. He needs... he needs to read everything.

The bling of his phone brings him back from his frantic search for more and more books.

Jaskier stares at his phone, panic rising in his throat. He's... well him? Not some sort of accomplished tutor Fiona's mother is surely expecting.

Just as he presses send he hears the front door open.

"Julian? Are you here?"

Oh shit. Oh. Shit.

He's so screwed.

<now>

"Yen? I'm upstairs, I'll be right there!" he shouts. He's so screwed. Yen, of all people, is Fiona's mother.

She is going to kill him.

Another surge of panic hits him. He asked Yen if Geralt was single! She's his... wife? ex? An old flame? Whatever she is, that is not someone to ask something like that.

"Julian? What are you doing- oh! You found Geralt's books."

"I'm sorry...!" Jaskier whispers, suddenly terrified of the woman in the doorway. "I didn't mean to snoop, I swear, I was only looking for a key to the shed to find some gardening tools, I never meant-!"

Yen silences him with a dismissive gesture with her hand, "I don't care about the books. If he's stupid enough to leave them for you to find it's not my problem. What I came here for was to talk about Fiona. Care to offer me some tea?"

"Tea? Um, yeah sure... tea coming right away..." he feels like he avoided death.

"Sooo, I'm finally face to face with the famous Mr J." Yen says when she has a steaming mug of tea in front of her.

Jaskier slumps on a chair opposite of her and buries his face in his hands.

"Please, don't murder me, I didn't know you were her mother..." he mumbles from between her fingers, wailing up in his misery almost far enough he doesn't hear Yen snort.

"Please, I wouldn't murder you for that. For something else though..."

"Please, don't murder me for any reason," Jaskier begs, not lifting his face from his hands.

"Don't worry, you're way too unimportant to be murdered." Yen pats his arm.

"Why am I relieved to hear that?" Jaskier moans and finally uncovers his face to look at Yen. "So, you presumably wanted to talk about Fiona before you murder me?"

"True. She has her final tests coming up before summer and she's fallen way more behind than I thought."

"Wait, wait, I thought you didn't want to murder me?" Jaskier squeaks. Yen gives him a terrifying smile.

"Like I was saying. She has fallen behind on her studies. And I need you to tutor her, properly this time, not just helping with her homework. I will pay you of course. And a bonus if I feel she did well enough in her tests."

"Pay me?" Jaskier asks, suddenly way more interested. He could, in theory, save the extra money towards a deposit for a place for his own, which he'll need soon if some other gig doesn't come up during the next few weeks.

"I'll give you double what Geralt is paying you. Tripple if Fiona's grades are good enough."

The biscuit Jaskier was eating drops from his mouth.

"Ah, shite, fuck!" he tries desperately to stop the crumbs from spreading everywhere, failing spectacularly.

"I'm so glad we have an agreement. I'll see you around, Julian." Yen rises from her chair and before Jaskier has the chance to collect a single thought, she's already gone.

#the witcher #the witcher fanfic #geralt of rivia #Jaskier #Yennefer of Vengerberg #cirilla fiona elen riannon #geraskier #geralt x jaskier #jaskier x geralt #frywen writes

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maydaymemer · 4 years ago

Text

IO Blackout

I just beat the worst featured contract in Hitman 3 and wanted to talk about it and IO’s handling of the “live” aspect of the new game

It feels to me that this is the Hitman game least necessary to have this live model: 1 & 2 offered pretty regular live stuff, 2016 most of all had 26 ETs (limited time missions set in the main levels but with new voice acting and other changes), a couple of challenge packs (basically themed achievements that unlocked an item) and I wanna say 40+ escalations (multi stage missions set in the levels with little modification). Plus the levels were released monthly. WoA2 had less, six ETs and 30+ escalations. I think it had way more challenge packs tho weirdly. Two per location rather than one. It was still pretty steady. Now it feels like IO don’t want to do more Hitman, they feel like they’re done but there’s sort of an obligation there for them to do it and they don’t want to have no defence for the always online so they’re still doing it

Escalations are now being locked behind paywalls. Thirteen of them to be precise, almost half of Hitman 2’s output. And they’re now treated as like main events since challenge packs are now gone, which isn’t a big loss but considering how difficult it is now to level up a location to 20 mastery we could’ve done with some. In Hitman 1 & 2 we got these holiday themed bonus missions with their own challenges. For Easter we got an escalation, I like escalations a lot and this one was good but they’re 20 minute distractions

And because I feel like there’s a drought of newly released stuff to do there’s a bigger chance of burnout. The levels themselves are great and replayable but this side stuff helps recontextualise the maps but also learn them more for playing thru the main missions. So because of this I’ve actually started playing the featured contracts as they released, whereas with Hitman 2 I only played them occasionally usually after building a backlog of them

Featured Contracts are player made missions in the main levels. You kill someone with a knife in a plumber outfit, then publish it only where other people have to kill someone in a plumber outfit and get the best score. Featured Contracts is where IO picks ten fan-made Contracts per month that they like and puts them on the front menu of the game and makes them multi platform, playable to everyone

However there’s two problems with featured contracts in Hitman 3: they not made by fans and curated by IO. They’re made by “influencers” and curated by those same influencers. Number two is there’s barely any of them. The featured contracts are in batches of five instead of ten and they’re made with a more limited map pool. One month in Hitman 2 could have ten contracts in ten different locations, whereas most featured contracts so far are five contracts in Dubai, then five in Dartmoor, etc. There hasn’t been a single contract in Berlin yet, the best one

The influencers thing is the big problem however because it’s so obvious that it’s just a cross promotion and very few of the people making the contracts care for Hitman. Because the contracts are really bad, usually

When Easy Allies did a batch they ended up making the worst contract ever, called Media Blackout. It seems simple, kill five people with an SMG as a guard without knocking anybody out. There’s a silenced SMG in the Chongqing level, all the targets are close together, but there’s no way to get a guard disguise without knocking out or killing a guard. People found a glitch where if you fire a guard and wait ten minutes for him to commit suicide you can bump into him and “kill” him without losing silent assassin. The actual kill portion of the contract is five minutes, but it takes ten to 20 to get a disguise. It’s pretty obvious someone from Easy Allies just made a contract where they shot a bunch of people, randomly picked their targets and then decided to shove on “no knockouts” at the end of making it

I heard there was a livestream Easy Allies did where they played their own contracts and just Ramboed everything, so none of their contracts were probably SAed to start with, and this lack of quality control could be fixed by IO just saying “make sure your contracts in this stealth game can actually be completed with stealth first”

Another example of amusing incompetence is when one of the sites had “don’t get recorded by a camera” as a modifier in Dartmoor. Dartmoor is the only main level of the trilogy without any security cameras

I think it’s kind of ironic that a feature that’s meant to encourage fan engagement is now being used to promote websites like EuroGamer, Easy Allies and Kinda Funny. Basically the opposite of the kind of people Hitman fans follow. Just a shame, and now Achievement Hunter is doing a batch. I’m sure that’ll go well and not be unplayably disastrous

The game itself is excellent, and I understand Covid has impacted the team a lot but I don’t agree with the decisions that aren’t impacted by the pandemic like relying on journos/unrelated youtubers for Contracts rather than the fans. All in all it proves the theory that every IO game itself is excellent BUT they’re really bad at maintaining goodwill with them. A good game is usually followed with a ton of shite business practices

I feel like with Hitman 1 & 2 being released in parts (Season one was episodic, while the sequel had two whole DLC levels released a year later which continued the story) but Hitman III being released who it’ll be level wise forever, there’s no reason to have this always online live model. Because the live model isn’t really alive, it’s just one new ET and one new escalation rn where you could just add those two in the monthly patch. It’s not like the previous two where there would be two to four escalations, a challenge pack and an ET every month. Not that this episodic always online BS was ever justified, but now it’s pretty nakedly pointless

#hitman #hitman 3 #rant #world of assassination

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thisyearingaming · 4 years ago

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1997 - This Year in Gaming

Muggins here was born in ‘97, and can’t really remember much of it, natch. But there were some good things released this year - I’ve played every one of these, and have missed so many more.

Diablo - Windows, January 3rd

We start with dungeon-crawl-em-up and well-loved out of season April Fool’s Joke, Diablo. I’ll be totally honest - I don’t like Diablo that much. It’s absolutely fine, I just can’t get into it. The writing, setting and characters are all very good especially since this year only marks the beginning of games being seen as a bit more adult and intelligent. Check out this gameplay from Hour of Oblivion on YouTube, and marvel at the faux-Scottish accent on Griswold the blacksmith.

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Mario Kart 64 - Nintendo 64, February 10th

Compared to its more recent versions, Mario Kart 64 is a veritable bloody relic of the past - solid controls and a quirky style mean it’s still a crowd pleaser to this day, but you’d be hard pressed to find anyone right now that would die on the hill of it being their favourite single-player racing experience. It’s also got some of the deepest, impenetrable lore in any medium known to the human race - why exactly is Marty the Thwomp locked up here?

Blast Corps - Nintendo 64, February 28th

February’s position as most boring month of the year is shaken up a bit by having a uniquely designed Rare game slammed into its 28-day long face. Blast Corps is the puzzle-action game where you take control of several vehicles to destroy homes and buildings in order to prevent a nuclear warhead exploding in the coolest incarnation of Cold War politicking ever seen in a video game. Calling Blast Corps a “hidden gem” these days is like calling Celeste a hidden gem - it impresses nobody and makes you look like a dick.

Turok: Dinosaur Hunter - Nintendo 64, March 4th

The N64 was home to a surprisingly large number of above-average shooters despite its muddy graphics and small cartridge space - Turok is one of these, a great FPS game where you shoot the SHIT out of dinosaurs. Brett Atwood of Billboard said it was like Doom and Tomb Raider mixed - Doom Raider, if you will. I say it isn’t - there’s no demons, and there’s no polygonal breasts to poke dinosaurs’ eyes out with!

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - Sony PlayStation, March 20th

What is a retrospective? A miserable little pile of opinions. I’ve only recently played through SotN for the very first time on a TOTALLY LEGITIMATE copy with a CRT filter. Bloody good (geddit?) game, that takes the repetition of its predecessors, improves on it in basically every conceivable way, and combines it with special effects and graphics that even 23 years later had me going “ooh, that looks quite good!” Symphony’s music and audio design are wonderfully paired with a deeply enjoyable experience that’ll have you saying “mm, maybe just one more room?”

Tekken 3 - Sony PlayStation, March 20th

Also releasing from the Land of the Rising Sun that day was Tekken 3, which many believe is still one of the best fighters ever made. Tekken 3′s combat is so fast and responsive that it’s better than some games made today. T3 is also the best and easiest way to knock seven shades of absolute shite out of your friends without risking a massive head injury or a trip to the headmaster’s office... where you could also challenge him, but only if he plays as my favourite Not-Guile-or-Ken character in gaming, Paul.

Sonic Jam - Sega Saturn, June 20th

The moment Sega realised that re-packaging old Mega Drive games would net them serious cash - although unlike later collections, this is a strictly Sonic affair, and has a neat little 3D world to run around in as a sort of hub world. Sonic X-Treme proved that Sonic Team would have to work hard at getting the fastest thing alive into 3D space properly: Jam is the sort of test ground for it too. It features some genuinely good emulation work for 1997, although it’s basically the gaming equivalent of going round to your grandparents at Christmas only for them to give you the exact same gifts you got in 1991, 1992 and 1994 but wrapped in a bow to make you think it’s different. What are you lookin’ at, you little blue devil?

Star Fox 64 - Nintendo 64, June 30th

So there’s this German company, right, called StarVox. Nintendo look at Europe and say “shit, we don’t want another lawsuit... after all, we’ve done three this year!”. So they give us in the PAL region the exciting title of Lylat Wars which as far as I know means absolutely fucking nothing in the context of the game. They’re still called Star Fox in-game too so what was the point? Anyway, fun 3D shooter with graphics that’ll make you do a barrel roll off the sofa and onto the power button to make the brown and green blurs a little easier on the eyes. Hello 2007, I’ve come back to make old references with you!

Carmageddon - Windows, July 30th

The game so scary it was BANNED in the UK! More like the game so fucking shit it was banned. Carmageddon is so deeply boring to play on PC that I can only imagine that Stainless Games made it tasteless by 90s standards simply to ramp up demand - much like another game we’ll be covering soon.

Herc’s Adventures - Sony PlayStation, July 31st

“And they said Kratos was the best hero? Shish... they got it wrong, sister! Hercules is clearly better... he even has a coconut weapon.” A surprisingly fun overhead action game that most people only know for... well, I’ll just embed it.

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Mega Man X4 - Sony Playstation, August 1st

A few years ago I tried playing every Mega Man game there is - I gave up at X3 because I was getting bored. Even still, Mega Man bores me - but at least the level design is good. Stay away from the Windows port. Pictured: me in the background yawning.

GoldenEye 007 - Nintendo 64, August 25th

The name’s Intro. Overused intro which I also managed to fuck up twice through the deeply editable medium of text. GoldenEye is like the Seinfeld of console shooters - playing it nowadays you’re unlikely to be amazed but holy shit there’s some absolute greatness in this game. Every sound and every piece of music in GoldenEye is permanently seared into my brain - sometimes I’ll just hear Facility or Frigate in my head alongside the door opening sound and the gentle PEW of the PP7. I mean come on, fucking listen to this and tell me Grant Kirkhope isn’t cool as all hell.

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LEGO Island - Windows, September 26th

The first open world experience I ever had was LEGO Island. It’s still quite good today, utterly deranged animation from the likes of the Infomaniac and Brickster - a cautionary tale for children that giving pizza to high-profile criminals is disastrous for the human LEGO race.

Fallout - Windows, October 10th

War never changes, but franchises do. Fallout’s legendary status in the industry is exemplified in how different it feels. Yes, we had the game Wasteland nine years prior, but until September 97 there was nothing quite like Fallout. From the chilling introduction sequence showing the ruins of the United States to the tragic ending, Fallout is an exercise in pure human misery with the brightest spots of hope it can possibly muster thrown in for good measure. What begins as a tedious isometric point-and-click RPG ends as a minigun-wielding power fantasy, before your entire worth is stripped from you at the finish line. You have 500 days to find a water chip before it’s too late, but you’re constantly being fought by terrifying Super Mutants, irradiated animals, and the biggest monster of all - humanity. See what I did there? If anything, humanity in Fallout’s setting would be the greatest unifying force possible against the horror of the outside world. But how is it? It’s dull, it’s sluggish, and it’s really hard to get into even if you’re already a fan - but push through that and it’s worthwhile to see exactly how far the series got before Todd Howard said “eh fuck it” and had the whole thing dipped into an FEV vat.

Grand Theft Auto - Sony PlayStation, October 21st

To put it simply, the first in the GTA series is now nothing but a novelty. It has an irritating camera, wonky controls, poor graphics and deeply repetitive gameplay. But thank fuck it exists, because without it the Rockstar story may have been very different indeed. It’s quintessential cops and robbers gameplay, spanning across Liberty City, Vice City and San Andreas in one game, but with maps so far removed from their modern incarnations they may as well be named “Not New York, Possibly Bristol and Orange Town”. People really fucking hated Hare Krishnas in the 20th Century, didn’t they?

Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back - Sony PlayStation, October 31

A hard one to talk about, honestly - it’s more Crash and better than the first one. It looks great, and Crash controls so well compared to his first outing. It’ll also keep you playing for 100%, fiendishly addictive and unashamedly difficult. Had a weird cover that moved with your head.

PaRappa the Rapper - Sony PlayStation, November 17th

Type type type the words into the box! (Type, type, type - uh oh - the box?)

PaRappa is a gorgeously stylised rhythm game about rapping to steal the heart of the girl of your dreams - which involves learning karate, getting your driver’s license, selling bottle caps and frogs, making a cake, desperately trying not to shit yourself, and finally performing live on stage. Every one of its segments is so well-produced that they’d genuinely sell like ghost cookies in this era of shite rap. Notable for producing the greatest Jay-Z backing track ever made.

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Sonic R - Sega Saturn, November 18th

Sonic R is absolutely FINE with vibrant textures, interesting levels, neat gimmicks and decent controls. But I’m gonna talk about its fucking AWESOME soundtrack by Richard Jacques and T.J. Davis, an eclectic mix of Europop and New Jack Swing - even thinking about it is bringing tears of absolute joy to my eyes hearing Super Sonic Racing in my head. You’ve got the main theme, Living in the City, Can You Feel the Sunshine, Back in Time, Diamond in the Sky, Work It Out and Number One - all of these are absolute club bangers and genuinely wouldn’t be out of place in a 90s disco.

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Tomb Raider II - Sony PlayStation, November 18th

Lara Croft returns to single-handedly endanger every species on Earth. TR2 is really good, the exploration and puzzle-solving aspects of the first game expanded upon here and the gunplay remaining just as punchy. Lara’s got a fully-functioning ponytail which absolutely boggles the fucking mind - a lot of work went into Lara’s hair for the 2013 reboot, so I can’t imagine the amount of man hours it took to get fluid(ish, come on, it’s the PS1 we’re talking about) hair movements in 1997.

And really, that’s all I played from 1997. I’ve left out big hitters like Quake II, Gran Turismo and Diddy Kong Racing, but I simply haven’t formed an opinion on them yet. Maybe in a future post.

Thanks for reading.

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diningpageantry · 5 years ago

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We Are Far Too Young and Clever

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20327977/chapters/48197671

Chapter 1/6 of We Are Far Too Young And Clever

Word Count: 3,068

Summary: Youtube's a buzzing, content-creating platform, where people from all walks of life can create and share. Simon Snow and Baz Pitch are on a rise at two very different angle, but by the coincidence of shared people, they clash and come together at all the right (and wrong) times.

~~~~~~~~~~

SIMON

I don’t really remember how it started.

Well, that’s a lie. I remember starting it. I remember setting up my mobile, using a mirror to make sure it was at the right angle (using random little things like Penny’s tiny bottles of face cleansers and such to keep it propped, despite them continuously slipping). I remember it being half past 3 in the morning on a Thursday right before a final. I wasn’t studying. I can’t study--I can’t make myself study, I should say. Never could. And, I remember laying out craft scissors, glitter glue tubes, googly eyes, and finding old class notes to go to town on.

I remember the build up.

I remember the upload, and I remember thinking nothing of it.

But I don’t remember the rise.

More to this, I don’t really know why anyone really watches my videos. I think it’s sort of dumb to watch a man now climbing further into his mid-to-late twenties sitting on his living room floor, working in a ranging the state of his soberness from completey dry to beyond wrecked, and doing shitty primary school crafts.

But then again, I’m the man making them, so I guess I’m not particularly the one to judge on this front.

Part of me still really doesn’t connect the popularity with myself--like it’s been Penny’s doing. Which, she says, might be partially true. She already had a decent enough following, but I’m on a completely different genre. She does educative videos, and she stays popular because they’re on current events topics (defines hot topics, explains what a certain celebrity is in trouble for, yada yada). I call her the cliffnotes of the ever-rolling social media 15 minutes of fame. She asks me if I’ve ever needed to read a book with cliffnotes, and I didn’t have much defense besides “You know, I was an English minor.” (“For the first year, yeah.” “Still, had a year of it.”)

But for me? I don’t do anything new or appealing.

I think I might be a handsome face (which, in all honesty, would be a nice brag, if I could actually maintain a relationship). Or maybe it’s because I can get a bit funny, especially when I’m plastered. And there’s never really any instructions when I do these things. I have a Pinterest board, a google search option, and a flow of craft store gift cards at my disposal to make shit work.

Or, maybe, I’m just entertaining.

I’m not really confident on that front, but I’ll take what I can get.

I don’t mind it much. People seem to like the videos, and I never mind making them. Brilliant distraction, and surprisingly decent income (especially since crafts require products, so sponsors are easy to get for videos, and I never feel really guilty because I’d have to get shit to use anyway).

Penny gets on my arse about my sleep schedule, though.

“Why can’t you do special editions of Simon’s Arts ‘N Crafts in the morning?” She asks, or more complains, hovering over the kitchen bar with a mug between her hands and her flannel pyjama bottoms on. It’s nearing 1 in the morning now, and I’m just cracking open my second beer. (Don’t actually like them, but they’re tolerable.)

“Aesthetic, Penn.” I cringe after a thick gulp, squeezing my eyes tight. Shit tastes like a gym sock. “Premise of it all to put up a video that looks like a bloke who hasn’t properly slept in 10 years on his floor trying to build a shitty flower crown.”

She’s been a bit fed up with it for a little while, and I can see her point. Insomniatic tendencies aren’t something you particularly want to profit off of, but it pays the bills (and gives me something better to do than stare at my ceiling and try to count sheep into the thousands).

I hear her huff, my back turning to grab my mobile off the counter as I try to chug back a few more gulps.

Thumbing through notifs, I see a post alert for Baz Pitch. Something on Twitter--commenting on the flawed mentality of what socialistic systems are seen as vs what they are, or some other poshly worded bullshit about something that only really matters if you’re taking a secondary school course on politics.

Or if you’re Penny, I guess.

“You’re looking at Baz’s shit again,” she mumbles over her mug, sipping slowly as I glare back.

“What?”

“You get this look on your face--that one where your brows come together and makes you look constipated.”

“Yes, and? What about it?”

She smirks. “Well, you only ever get that when you’re looking at something Baz posted.

I pull my brows together when I look away, just for emphasis, and slip my mobile into my pocket. “Not only,” I counter, going for another pointed sip and holding back a cringe as I point at her, going on. “And it’s only because he’s full of himself. I don’t need, nor do I want to hear his halfhearted ramblings on something that he won’t have any affect on.”

“Then why do you have him on post-notifs?”

I try to look offended, but I just stare, mouth hanging open. “Maybe I like to keep a keen eye on him.”

She hums, unsatisfied.

“Excuse me for wanting to keep track of the man I’ve got an ongoing tiff with.”

“Ongoing tiff? Is that what you’re calling it now?”

I shrug, ignoring that with another shitty gulp.

“Look, Simon, just talk to the bloke. He’s a smart guy, if you give him a second of your time and attention beyond a twitter feud over some dumb shite like his family upbringing.”

“He’s rich, Penn! Guy’s a hypocrite.”

“Maybe,” she gives me a halfhearted shrug, leaning more over the counter. “You’re just mad that he’s got more following on his personal Twitter than you do on your proper Instagram.”

“Of course not.” She’s right, but I won’t dare admit it.

I’ll never admit to being jealous of Basilton fucking Pitch--some bloody political page gone pretty boy vlogging. His main work is only relevant because he talks about shit that’s within the dizzying political-sphere, nothing of which is something I really like to think about (I vote for whoever Penny describes as the best, then hope some other prick doesn’t throw us deeper into the cesspool that is this Brexit nightmare).

But he has his vlogging channel. A popular one, at that. Talks about what he’s reading, where he’s traveling. Skincare routine. Mindless bullshit, that I’ve forced myself to sit through just so I have a proper excuse to go off complaining about him.

Never seen the bloke break a proper smile, though. Not even in fan pictures. He smirks, and he’s got a barking, bitter laugh, but I’ve never heard anything that relates “Joyous” and “Basilton” in a similar sentence.

It’s a wonder he and Penn interact amicably.

She scoffs at me, sipping her tea slowly as my shoulders slump, beer can held tight enough in my hand that it’s denting in at my fingers. I should probably let go of it.

“Are you gonna help me set up?” I ask, deflating from the conversation and trying to distract with a new one.

“If you need help.”

“Need? No. Want? Yeah.”

She rolls her eyes, settling the mug down onto our countertop anyway before turning to start dragging the lights out of the side closet while I polish off my drink and head to grab my camera and tripod.

I’ve gotten better at this over the years. Swapped majors from social work to media studies, then minored in advertising, once the channel had hit 1k subscribers. Hadn’t quit my dayjob at the cafe until I hit 100k, but the steady rise since hasn’t been bad to us. Penny’s got a decent income, too, and she still decides to work in the school’s library as she’s working on her PhD in Sociology.

The flat’s a better one than the one we’d started in. We’ve even got a guest bedroom (screams disposable income). And, well, nicer equipment. A real sense of seriousness and maturity while we work.

Well, mostly.

I’m speaking as the grown man with a metal cabinet full of crafts supplies.

Business man with craft supplies.

Makes me sound more professional than “Newly 27 year old Youtuber who does nothing of serious impact, other than hoping to make others smile while throwing together terribly made, barely functioning crafts.”

I make my way back into the living room after setting up the camera and wandering back off, arms full of supplies as Penny starts setting up cameras, glancing over her shoulder. “What’d you choose tonight?”

I look down, then plop myself onto the floor and spread out my shit. “Uhh,” I say, shifting through. “I was thinking a beer can ghost.”

“Beer can ghost?”

I nod, holding up the gauze and glue. “As a Happy Halloween episode.”

“It’s not even October yet, Si.”

I shrug. “September’s close enough.” I grin, going off to grab my empty beer can and sprawling back out onto the floor. “Want to join in?”

“I think I’ll take a rain check for this episode, thank you.” She smiles teasingly, brushing past and messing my hair a bit as I’m settling myself onto the hardwood floor. I don’t take it harshly; I never take her harshly. I don’t think I’ve got the room to take it harshly, given I don’t seriously have anyone else in my life besides her (at least on a consistent basis).

“Suit yourself!” I call back, watching her disappear into her bedroom while shutting the door behind herself.

Before going at it, I take and post a quick Instagram picture at the layout in front of me, adding Halloween-themed emojis (so everyone knows I’m serious about wanting to get festive) as the caption.

I sigh and clear up my space, glancing around to make sure the area looks clean-enough, then get up to press start. It takes a second to make my way back and get myself properly situated on the floor, exhaling quietly and collecting my thoughts before shooting my head up and grinning at the camera angled a few feet away and slightly above eyeline with me.

“Hey everyone! Welcome back to Simon’s Arts ‘N Crafts!”

BAZ

I don’t understand the hype of Simon Snow.

I never truly have. He feels like he’s the sort of mindless bloke to pull out a guitar at uni and unironically start playing Wonderwall.

Allow me to rephrase; I don’t understand the hype of Simon Snow’s channel.

Snow himself, on the other hand, is a different story.

Cheerful smile, rosey cheeks. Curls that stick out at all angles (you’d think he’d try to style them properly, given he’s got the time and money now, but he doesn’t; he looks as disheveled as the day his channel began). Snow’s an utter mess just trying to occupy himself while avoiding other aspects of life, and somehow, for reasons I can’t chalk up to anything but his glittering disposition, he’s popular.

Not too popular, no. A couple million popular. Sponsored by major chains popular, due to the spike in young hobbyists trying to “Unleash their inner child” following his lead. But, of course, he donates huge portions to schools, giving them arts supplies and, for some saintly reason, gives to orphanages too.

I wonder at times if there’s anything deeper than just a handsome public face and overly generous donor. And, usually, I try to doubt there is, but I can’t quite ignore the occasional sign that Simon Snow may be a saint, and I fucking hate him for it.

I hate him for a number of reasons, starting with “He hates me”, and ending with “He’s gorgeous, and he hates me”.

I scroll down my Instagram feed, then refresh, immediately getting his post as a priority (I feel as though I’d be damned if anyone knew how often I go to simply look at him, or try to snoop through his older pictures to put the pieces together). It’s not much; his lap, which is a pair of grey joggers (Chris, I bet he looks fit in them), mismatched athletic socks, and a pile of half pulled-apart gauze, supplies for paper mache, an emptied beer can, and a sponge brush laying on a disposable plastic tarp. It’s simply captioned with a set of emojis that are definitely a few weeks too early.

baz.pitch Can’t count a calendar, Snow? Not surprised.

I stare at the comment for a brief moment, jaw clenching and swallowing back the strange, twinge that comes with our either interaction as quickly as it appears before trying to scroll and avoid any further thoughts on the matter.

It isn’t much longer before a notification drops down, hanging over the top of my screen.

(baz.pitch) buncespeaking: Are you still awake, or sleep-commenting?

I snort and tap onto it, letting the direct messaging screen load up.

baz.pitch: I am awake

baz.pitch: Is there something you want, Bunce?

Penelope Bunce and I interact far more than I’d originally thought we would. At first, when she first reached out, I’d assumed we’d quarrel, given her general harshness brought through her Twitter account, but I soon learned that she and I have a good bit in common. Personal views align, and she’s got a devilishly sharp sense of humour on her (not that I’d ever tell her, of course). Never thought I’d consider her not only an ally, but a friend in this harsh digital age, but I’ve found solace in her conversations.

That, and she teases Snow for me more than I could ever repay her for.

When I say tease, it isn’t quite the taunting I find myself regularly drawn into, but rather the simple name drop can be enough to get him to squirm in place (I know; I’ve seen it through live streams). I’ve never found it in myself to say any of my opinions on Snow to her, but given her intellect, I’d assumed she knows far more about my views of him than what Snow knows himself.

Which, at times, scares me. Nobody should know any vulnerability about me, unless I know equally as much incriminating information on them.

But so far, I haven’t had much a reason to worry.

(baz.pitch) buncespeaking: Do you know when you’ll find yourself in London again?

Interesting question.

Intentionally? Who the fuck knows.

As of recent, my life has consisted of no proper flat (which has begrudgingly left me living in my family’s manor, avoiding a permanent residence) while I hop about the island, then once a month, I spend a week in some various part of Europe. I just see it as trying to squeeze the most out of my life as a pitiful bachelor, but some others (Snow) consider this as me being a privileged arsehole and not wanting to commit to a proper life. (For the record, I regularly donate to LGBTQ+ nonprofits, but you don’t see me flaunting it in my personal work.)

Whatever. He probably hasn’t gotten snogged in the back of a Porsche in Venice during late spring.

Although, admittedly, that wasn’t very fulfilling.

Those trips never quite are.

And, sadly, neither are the men. All looking somewhat of a similar face; square jawed, wide-nosed. Long necks, wide shoulders, and curly hair that I love to tug and hold back.

But none of them are ever named Simon, and none of them hit quite the spot that this damned yearning has held.

Which is, I suppose, why I’m rarely ever in London. I’m not sure what I’d do with myself in London, unless I’m there with a purpose. I feel like I might go off the rails and try to actually find Snow without the guidance of some other party. I’d be a walking disaster.

baz.pitch: Depends on why you’re asking

(baz.pitch) buncespeaking: Well, a couple of reasons.

(baz.pitch) buncespeaking: Which all ultimately have the same suggested outcome of us collaborating on a video, and I’m not particularly set on getting myself out to Hampshire to sit in your frankly terrifying mansion.

(baz.pitch) buncespeaking: Plus, you can put me out of my misery and finally speak to Simon in person, for once. He’s driving me mad, and at this point, I’d pay for you to just put him to silence in person, for once.

As tempting as it seems, a small part of me worries that Bunce is believing that I’d sock Snow instead of snog him (maybe both are possible, but assaulting someone on their own property is risky at best).

I stare at my screen for a good, long pause, worrying at my lip as her typing pop-up ceases. It’s hard to not leap at opportunities I really wish to take--to just hold my dignity to somewhat of a respectable point.

But Snow crashes any barriers of my real rigidity.

He has for well over a few years now--ever since we were introduced digitally.

I’ve found myself watching his videos, over and over again, and trying to imagine how we’d play about. I like to wonder whatever happened to that pretty girlfriend of his (I’m aware they broke up, but he’s certainly too private to share the rest).

It’s been years since I first heard about Snow, and since then, I can’t quite get him off my mind.

It’s quite dizzying, trying to get Snow off my thoughts. I try to occupy--I try to fulfill. I try to find my way through life without some dull half-rivalry, full-teasing he and I share through out linked lives, but it’s like a drug. Draws me in, making me wish I had more of a good thing while trying to ignore that the good thing isn’t quite good for me, but rather simply a shocking want, prickling under my skin and bringing me back for more.

In all the things I do to occupy myself--to occupy the life I’ve been trying to lead (without success)--Snow’s been my favorite distraction. And I might just have to break through this and meet him, for once.

baz.pitch: Give me a time and a place and I’ll fit you into my schedule

#carry on #snowbaz #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #mine #YouTube au #we are far too young and clever #simon snow #tyrannus basilton grimm-pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #baz pitch #simon #baz

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chocolatemillkk · 5 years ago

Text

Intensity JS-wip

“We’re dating each other.” Y/N bursts into my room. “Okay? You’re my date.”

“Who-“

“Byron let me in,” she explains before I could ask my question.

“Why-“

“Long story or short?” She plops herself onto my bed and falls back, grabbing a pillow to scream into.

“Is that the short story?” I chuckle as I go back to folding my laundry.

“Long story it is. So you know how going back home for the holidays is always such a pain because my extended family is a pain in the-”

“Yeah-“ I try to get in but she cuts me off.

“And remember I’m always forced to face my ex-the one I dated for two bloody years and who dumped me for my cousin?”

“You’ve mentioned about a million tim-“

“So this year my mum invited that little bitch to ours for Christmas dinner because her parents are travelling the world or some shite and she has no one for Christmas dinner. But here’s the kicker! Turns out she’s still with my ex and they’re engaged now...”

I listen, amused at how fast Y/N zooms through her story. She’s equal parts angry, stressed, and already convinced I would say yes.

“So in order for me to keep the sliver of respect I still have, and not to look like a complete loser who hasn’t held a steady boyfriend since...well...since him. I need to bring a boyfriend home. I thought about bringing home a girlfriend just to freak everyone out-you know...but none of my friends were up for it. They already look at me weird because I do Youtube for a career but-“

“Y/N,” I push my clothes aside and jump onto the bed to push her down. She goes down with a shout and I kneel over her. “Shut up will you? I’ll bloody come as long as I’m back in London by Sunday.”

“Oh you will. Dinner’s Friday and we’re leaving right after!”

“You’re mad you know that?” I shake my head and she delivers a foot to my stomach. I lose my balance and come crashing down onto the bed beside her.

“You’ll see why I’m so mad when I take you home.” Y/N scrubs her eyes.

“I’ll finally ask your mum if she dropped you on your head as a child,” I say, pushing Y/N’s buttons even more. I get the desired response-a string of swear words before she bounces off the bed.

“Now I have to go look for a dress that’ll make me look uh-mazing,” Y/N pauses by my door. “And I’ll pick you up Friday at 3.”

“Alright,” I sit up in bed. “And Y/N?” She turns to look at me, her cheeks flushed and mind whirring, a million miles away. “I don’t think you’re a complete loser.”

I manage to pull her back to the present as she focuses on what I’d just said. She rolls her eyes and sticks up her middle finger before leaving but not before I see the smile grace her face. I lay back down on the bed with the same smile that she never failed to leave me with.

•••

Y/N and I were complicated but at the same time we weren’t. We’d met on New Year’s a few years back and after a flirty night we somehow decided to stay friends. Somewhere along the way we became inseperable. But sometimes I wondered what would have happened that night if I did work up the courage to kiss her like I wanted, or if I asked her out on a date the next time we met instead of asking her if she wanted to join the boys and I for brunch.

Y/N was fierce to the outside world but I knew the softer side of her. The one she allowed me to see after many vulnerable drunk conversations and road trips we often took alone. She was my partner in crime and I was lucky she’d picked me to talk to that New Year’s Eve.

I sit in the passenger’s seat of Y/N eco friendly car-a spot I was so familiar with the seat probably had an imprint in the shape of my bum. Christmas carols play softly through the stereo but I can’t focus because Y/N continues talking through them.

“So not quite a year but almost,” Y/N tries to get our fake history right.

“How about we say we made it official at last New Year’s so it’s easy to remember?” I suggest.

“Oh you’re genius,” she grins a toothy grin. “Yes-oh by the way Josh was telling me about the costumes you ordered for that video? When’s that happening?”

We get side tracked talking about work and by the time we pull up to Y/N’s childhood home, she’s less anxious but its not completely gone. I manage to get her out of the car and hold her her hand as we get to the front door. Her mum opens, trying to hide her shocked expression at my presence but reassuring me she has plenty of food. Y/N’s younger sister barely spares me a glance from her phone, already decided years ago that I was weird after walking in on Y/N and I trying to eat cupcakes without our hands (in all fairness it was for a video). Her dad welcomes me warmly and we’re all sat in the sitting room when the doorbell rings.

“Oh that’s probably Eve and Jim!” Y/N’s mum gets up to get the door.

“Wonderful,” Y/N glances at me and then says something to her sister which sets her off laughing.

Y/N •••

“Y/N,” my cousin sounds scandalized as she observes Joe. “Is this Joe?”

“Yeah,” Joe’s hand circles my waist answering before I could. “Nice to finally meet you.”

“I didn’t know you two were dating,” she eyes our posture and wraps her hands around Jim’s waist. Her fiance. Gross.

Jim greets Joe wearily and glances at me before deciding to concentrate on the Christmas tree. I’m better off without him, I remind myself. Eve and him were a better couple anyway. I had moved on to better things. He wasn’t even that great.

“Yeah we are,” I find my voice. “Joe and I. We’re...in love! Right?”

“Very much,” Joe smiles at me but his eyes are teasing me so I avoid looking into them in case I start laughing again. He made it very hard to stay serious.

“That’s so cute!” Eve says before moving on to greet my sister. I roll my eyes to Joe before we take our seats which happen to be right across from the vacant seats Eve and Jim were going to take. I’m grateful for Joe who wraps his arms around my shoulders and keeps me comforted until dinner. He knows exactly what to do and say to make it believable, even pecking my cheek when Eve asks our first date story which he pulls out of his arse. He deserved an Oscar. I would tell him after.

Joe •••

“So Jim,” I say halfway into dinner. He didn’t speak much but I wanted to know the guy who was Y/N’s firsts. He didn’t seem much her type but I figured there was more under the surface. “What are the plans for the wedding?”

“It’s a summer wedding,” he says slowly. “I thought autumn would be nice but Eve didn’t want to risk bad weather and whatnot.”

“Not just bad weather,” Eve cuts in and begins detailing her wedding plans which Y/N kicks me under the table for starting.

“You see you two going that way?” Jim asks me after a while as Eve continues to explain to Y/N her bridesmaid dress.

“Y/N and me?” I ask, caught off guard.

“Yeah,” Jim laughs, raising an eyebrow. “I can see the way you two look at each other. And she’s a great girl.”

“Yeah...you would know,” It’s easy to slip in my question. “She’s kind of close lipped about what happened with you two...?”

“Really?” Jim glances at Y/N almost like she scared him. “That doesn’t sound like her.”

“Guess not,” I force a laugh. The truth was Y/N went on many rants about how unreliable men were and I knew that was due to Jim, she’d told me vaguely he broke up with her and started dating Eve a few weeks later. But never the details.

“We were young and-“ Jim hesitates and glances at Y/N and then back to me. “She was always a little intense you know? It was just...a little much for me.”

“I think she’s perfectly intense,” I feel myself getting defensive and Jim catches it too.

“Who’re you calling intense?” Y/N says at the same time, her eyes burning...well...intensely.

“Uhm,” Jim shakes his head. “Just talking to Joe-“

“You.” I say. “I was saying I loved your intensity.” Y/N stares at me suspiciously, trying to read whether I was lying or not. “It’s part of your charm.”

“Y/N’s charm is scaring everyone away,” her sister comments and Eve laughs.

“Shut up idiot,” Y/N stares daggers at her sister but she just shrugs.

“Well it’s sort of true,” Eve gloats. “In secondary everyone eventually stopped hanging out with you because you scared them all away.”

“Or maybe it’s because you always bitched about me to anyone who listened,” Y/N bites back but her voice shakes.

“Language,” Y/N’s dad warns.

“Well hey, I’m still here,” I interrupt and grab Y/N’s hand to hold, hoping to change the subject around.

“Yeah that’s cause you’re...weird. Like Y/N.” Her sister eyes me.

“Hey,” Y/N’s mum scolds everyone but I mouth a thanks to her sister and she rolls her eyes. She looked just like Y/N. “Let’s not have this conversation right now please. Eve your plate’s empty would you like seconds?”

“Yeah Eve,” Y/N spits. “Want some sloppy seconds?”

Eve’s mouth drops and Y/N’s parents scold her as her sister giggles.

“So mature,” Eve crosses her arms. “No reason to stay jealous Y/N.”

“Why would I be jealous of pathetic Jim over here.”

“Y/N!” Her mum scolds.

“Y/N you’re-“ Jim starts.

“Shut up!” Y/N cuts Jim off and I almost feel bad for him. “You don’t deserve to talk. Not to my face, in this house.”

“Well you better get over it,” Eve cuts in. “You’ll be seeing a lot of him since we’re getting married and all. He’ll be around for a while.”

“Lucky for you-no competition-your only other available cousin is underage.”

Y/N’s sister’s jaw drops and the table explodes around us. I figure Y/N had taken it too far but she’s already stomping away before I could reach for her. I leave the noisy table and find her exiting the front door. I grab her jacket and make my way outside.

“Do you still like him?” I ask after I hand her her coat. I don’t know why I ask. But it’s suddenly important for me to know.

“Ew gross, Sugg. I thought you knew me better.” Y/N glares at me.

“I do. I’m just wondering why you’re still upset after all these years. You don’t have feelings for him so-“

“I don’t know!” Y/N turns away from me. “I just hate seeing them together. It just hurts! It reminding me every time I do how I was such an idiot, it reminds me of the shitty time I had in secondary, and how Eve always wins at everything. Even my parents take her side over mine even though they clearly see everything she put me through! Jim dumped me because Eve talked bullshit about me all the time and complained to him constantly. He never minded I was so intense but suddenly he was scared away directly into her arms-“

“So fuck him!” I grab her shoulders.

“I already did!” The words fly out of Y/N’s mouth, and she tries to stay angry but her face cracks and suddenly she’s laughing. “Jesus he lost his v-card in the bedroom above from where he sits. I wonder how Eve feels about that.”

I laugh, relieved that Y/N had run out of her rage.

“Y/N,” I tell her. “You’re not scary or a loser. There’s nothing wrong with your job or you intensity. You’re perfect.”

“Is this where we kiss?” Y/N raises her eyebrow.

“No mistletoe,” I look above us.

She rolls her eyes but I glimpse a smile as she looks down. “Want to walk down to my old school? Where nobody liked me?”

“Yeah,” I button my coat and grab her hand. “I’ll beat up all the fake bullies.”

“You don’t have to hold my hand out here,” she looks down at our clasped hands.

“Keeps us warm,” I kiss her forehead and we’re off. She tells me stories from school and I imagine her here walking these streets as a kid. I finally get the full Y/N story by the time we reach the playground. We pause in front of the front entrance and she gazes up at the building. Suddenly, she turns to me and closes her arms around my shoulders, burying her face into my neck.

“I’m sorry for dragging you all the way out here for this shitshow and wasting your Friday.” She says close to my ear. I ignore the shiver that runs through me and wrap my arms around her waist.

“It was fun,” I tell her. “I liked the look on your cousin’s face when you asked her about your sloppy seconds.”

Y/N giggles into my neck before facing me. She grows serious as she scans my face this closely. “I never actually asked anyone else to be my fake date.”

“Hm.” I let the information sink in. “So you wanted to lure me out here all by myself.”

“Sort of,” a mischevious smile plays on her lips. “You got a history lesson out of it.”

“The only one worth paying attention to,” I say just as she tugs my sleeve and is off running towards the staircase leading into the building. She stops at the side, and stands there with her back against it.

“I never asked anyone to be my fake date because I wanted you by my side,” Y/N watches me intensely as she tells me what I already knew, but her confirmation gives me the only push I needed.

“Well,” I step forward, closing the distance between us and her breath catches as she looks up at me. “It’s good. I wouldn’t have wanted any other fake date to be able to do this.”

I lean down and her eyes are already fluttering close as I press my lips to hers and just like everything about her, it’s intense and passionate and entirely electric.

“Why haven’t we done that sooner,” she asks against my lips when we part but my senses are too jumbled to form a sentence. It didn’t matter we hadn’t done it sooner, I pull her into me to kiss her again, it was perfect the way

#joe sugg #joe sugg imagines #thatcherjoe imagines #buttercream imagines #fic #thatcherjoe #qd

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secret-diary-of-an-fa · 5 years ago

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Hidden Gems of the Silver Screen (And, to a Lesser Extent, the Telly)

It can’t have escaped your notice that the majority of my more recent posts (and fuck knows I’m not posting regularly at the moment) are about movies and TV. The reason for that is pretty simple: 2019 has, surprisingly, yielded some great movies and TV... and also some really torrid shite. On the one hand, films like Ma, Brightburn and The Perfection continue to breathe new life into the horror genre. On the other hand, sci-fi as a cinematic and televised thing continues to ignore its actual audience in favour of sniffing its own farts in a sound-proof chamber designed specifically for next-level virtue-signalling. One thing I will say about the dreck of 2019 is that it’s interesting dreck, at least so far. Another Life, for example, isn’t just bad: it’s mind-bogglingly, fascinatingly bad, as though someone set out to make the worst TV series imaginable and accidentally created a portal to another dimension made entirely of crap.

With all the amazingly wonderful and transifxingly terrible visual media on offer lately, it’s easy to forget that there’s a rich repository of films and TV series from just a few years ago that you’ve probably never watched. You see if you, like me, are a snooty, card-carrying member of the elitist intelligentsia, you probably missed films and TV series that looked dumb as soup on the surface on the grounds that they weren’t worth your time. Luckily for you, I’ve dived nose-first into the detritus of our dying culture, so you don’t have to, and I’ve ferreted out the diamonds from the pig-swill. Without further ado, I’d therefore like to present my list Easily Overlooked Gems.

1. Mandy The phrase “Nicholas Cage stars in a sword-and-sorcery rape/revenge thriller” does not inspire confidence. It’s therefore easy to ignore Mandy and the promptly forget it ever existed. Which is a shame, because it’s kind of a work of genius. The plot is exactly what you’d expect: a cult kidnaps, rapes and kills Cage’s girlfriend, Mandy, and Cage sets out on a mission of revenge culminating in a blood-bath. The nature of the revenge quest is what puts a sting in the film’s tail- or tale, if you’re feeling puntastic. You see, a lot of the bad guys exist in a constant hallucinatory haze after taking a drug that sent them mad after one dose. In order to fight on their level, Cage has to take a dose too. As a result, the world around him slowly but surely transforms into a nightmare landscape that looks like a cross between a D&D illustration and the cover of a heavy metal album and his grubby, personal mission of fury takes on the unmistakable resonance of a Conan-esque hero’s quest. By the end of the film, you have to wonder if Cage has actually slipped into some sort of alternate dimension or if he’s just lost his game-pieces completely. In places, it’s nearly as painful to watch as Landmine Goes Click (crikey, there’s one for the history buffs) but it looks and feels like Beyond the Black Rainbow. Worth your attention just because of how weird it is. I give it a solid four-out-five decapitated rapists.

2. Baby Driver Nothing about Baby Driver suggested it would be a good film: the way it was advertised as a car-chase movie trying to be cute; the stupid title; the fact that it came and went through cinemas like a fart in the night. Which is a shame, because it’s secretly brilliant. It’s a highly stylised crime film populated with the archest archetypes money can buy (to the point where some of the dialogue has a weirdly beat-poetic feel to it). It’s saturated colour palette and off-beat affect actually have something of a full-colour Jim Jarmusch flick about them. The hook, of course, is that the lead character (only ever referred to as Baby, because he’s got a punchably youthful face) has tinnitus and therefore has to listen to music constantly to drown at the buzzing in his head. The practical upshot of this is that a) every single scene is overlayed with surprisingly great and situationally appropriate music and b) he goes through life like he’s always dancing, so his way of moving lends to the film’s easy-going sense of flow. It also explains where his preternatural driving skills come from (I mean, not really, but within the context of the plot): he’s used to sliding effortlessly into patterns and rhythms because of the music thing. All of this could make a terrible film, of course, but execution is everything and, to everyone’s surprise, especially mine, this flick was executed with an astonishing level of panache. I rate it ten out of ten grizzly motor way pile ups.

3. Nightflyers It’s not just films that get overlooked as the tide of culture washes back and forth, like a great big sea of effluent. TV series also vanish unduly into the dustbin of history. Case in point, the criminally underappreciated Nighrflyers: Netflix pre-Another Life sci-fi offering that was actually good. It’s a pretty classic set-up: a group of mismatched wing-nuts on a spaceship, all of whom have secrets that that will threaten to tear them apart while they try to make contact with an alien life-form. What elevates Nightflyers is just how fuck-uped the cast are. There’s an angry British psychic whose spent his whole life in captivity in case he goes full Scanners on somebody’s head, a guy who only ever appears as a hologram for reasons too twisted to explain here, his evil mother whose uploaded her mind to the ship’s computer and gone batshit crazy, a genetic superbeing and a hacker who can send her mind into computers via a dodgy implant and who may or may not be drifting out of touch with the human condition. It’s great. 6 and half billion out of 7 billion monkeys, boiling in the void.

4. Hardcore Henry No, I don’t know who thought that title was a good idea either, but the point is that Hardcore Henry has no motherfucking right to kick as much arse as it does. It was clearly made on a budget that would embarrass a Youtube shampoo commercial, but it just flat-out rocks. Shot entirely in first-person, it follows the adventures of a mute cyborg as he seeks revenge against the bastard psychic entrepreneur who first built him then tried to kill him. Along the way, his main ally is a dude who keeps dying and coming back to life in a series of identical bodies but with radically different personalities and haircuts (this is eventually explained, but I’m not going to spoil it for you). It’s premise is demented, it’s surprisingly well-choreographed and its soundtrack is an aphrodisiac for your ears. Also, Tim Roth is in it, so that’s just yer seal of quality right there. It came out to a lot of fanfare and many, many cinema trailers back in the day and was then promptly forgotten about as soon as it launched. So I’m dragging it kicking and screaming back into the limelight. It’s on Netflix right now, so go watch it. I rate it a solid 11 out of 15 creepy duplicates of Tim Roth.

5. Upgrade Another lesser-known film about a cyborg. Unlike Henry, however, this cyborg’s life doesn’t so much ‘rock’ as ‘suck balls’. He gets crippled and then ends up with a sentient computer chip in his head that allows him to remote-control his own body despite not having a working spine anymore. Naturally, his experimental tech attracts the attention of some unsavoury characters and he and his brain-chip have to work together to figure out what’s going on, often through a series of ultra-violent, gory fight-scenes that horrify the protagonist himself. Of course, all might be well, except that the head-chip is a homicidal little shit that clearly has its own agenda. I give it at least 0000 0111 out of 0000 1001 painstakingly restored vintage kill-bots.

6. The Tick The Tick isn’t as overlooked as everything else on this list, especially since there have been a couple of previous televised incarnations of the franchise to lay the groundwork. However, I still feel like the modern iteration doesn’t quite get the love it deserves, so I’m throwing it out here. Following the adventures a mad, amnesiac and possibly stupid superhero and his neurotic sidekick, The Tick explores a world where superheroes aren’t the paragons of good from classic comics, the corrupt psychotics of The Boys or Watchmen, or the eternally struggling, walking moral life-lessons of modern cinema. Instead, they’re just ordinary people operating at various levels of competence/incompetence and mental illness and working within a bureaucratic, wildly inefficient framework. That might not sound like a recipe for a successful TV series, but it really is. Drawing out the mundane, human side of heroes and villains against the backdrop of cataclysmic, civilisation-threatening events makes for infinitely compelling and very, very funny viewing. It’s kind of doing for the superhero genre what Futurama did for sci-fi a few years back. It’s also where the phrase and/or popular song ‘seven billion monkeys boiling in the void’ comes from. My rating is four out of five sapient, homosexual boats (which will make sense when you watch it).

7. The Void Amid the high-budget horror extravaganzas of recent years, it’s easy to forget about the void, which feels like the best story H.P. Lovecraft never wrote and looks like David Chronenberg tried to adapt a Heironimous Bosch painting... in the ‘80s. The actual plot concerns a group of people getting trapped in a hospital by murderous cultists and discovering dark secrets and, arguably, a whole other dimension in its basement. You’re not exactly there for the plot though: The Void is a mood-piece and an exercise in visual FX craftsmanship. You’re there to drink in the atmosphere and see what each new cosmic horror looks like. I am delighted to award it ten out of ten unspeakable whisperers in the darkness. That’s enough for two barbershop quartets, an emcee and a supporting act.

8. Happy Death Day It’s Groundhog Day but as a horror film starring a really annoying lass in her late teens has to keep dying horribly until she learns to stop being such a terrible person... and also kill her murderer with a little help from her newly-minted, non-cunty friend. There’s a sequel that I haven’t seen yet, but the original is a low-key, oft-overlooked delight. I give it 9 out of 11 suspiciously similar corpses.

#Secret Diary of a Fat Admirer #films #tv shows #movies #Mandy #Baby Driver #Nightflyers #The Tick #The Void #Tick #happy death day #Upgrade

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